http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:luminescent-rose&section=today deviantART RSS for by:luminescent-rose en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:46:44 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/28133080/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/28133080/ Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:04:41 PST She was 51.
Cancer.
I want to write a poem, but don't want to cry.
I'm kinda trying to forget about it.. pretend it didn't happen.

I went all the way to work and had to leave because I found out. That was embarassing. plus i was holding back tears all the way home.

The shitty thing is, they said she was dyING not DEAD. but I could feel it. I just knew it. I was lookin in the clouds and I just knew it.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/27948776/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/27948776/ Sat, 24 Oct 2009 20:30:27 PDT
A lot has happened in my life.

In December I went to counselling because I have issues.
In June sometime I confronted my family and my abuser.

I switched to Monarch, now I'm not going.

McDonalds chose me to go to Vancouver and work for the olympics. That's right bitch, I'm THAT good.

I gave up with school, and Vancouver is my excuse. I'm going in February.. probably for a month. Everything is covered, I think..

Taylor and I obviously broke up. lol, day after my birthday. I am definitely not ranting about that one.

I got my tattoo covered.. It's messed up already though.. the lettering came off haha gotta touch that up.
At some point I will add a photo of it. Some people say it's stupid, but it means somethin to me so I don't care what they think.

It's funny how life plays out. I thought Taylor would be the ONLY one. and by only i FUCKING mean ONLY. He's still a huge part of my life, but I've moved on tremendously. When I broke up with him, the gotrain doors separated us. =SIGN! lol. he made it and i didnt.

then ten seconds later, I met Donald. haha. he hit on me, and smoked me on a spliff. AMAZING.

then I had a few other ..unfortunate experiences.
then I met Tim. haha he's so hot! Major boost of confidence on my part. I met him at a party, we totally hit it off. well, at least i think so.. i dont really care what he thinks hah.

I was supposed to go to a group counselling thing for sexual abuse. Went all the way there on the day I thought it started, FOR NOTHING! Turns out it's not til february, in which case I might possibly be in vancouver.

I was supposed to see THE USED on oct. 20th. They fucking cancelled it.
They're playing in december WITH three days grace, which is kind of amazing cause I love both bands.. but it's the ACC. I hate the ACC. it's gonna suck if I go, but I HAVE to see the used. it's my goal in life. I just wish it was at Kool Haus, that would've been so much fun.

Doubt anyone reads this, but if you do, how are you world?

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/24440845/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/24440845/ Wed, 29 Apr 2009 09:52:04 PDT
FEEL FREE TO REPLY IN A NOTE TO ME.

First: State your age and your sex. Your location if you want.

Please copy questions in your response. If any of the questions don't apply to you just put N/A.

YOUR FACTS:


Have you ever been sexually abused? If not do you know anybody in your family who has been?:

How old were they/you?:

Are you/they living with a single parent or couple?:
Are or were your parents married?:
Are they just separated or divorced?:

Are you/they on the poverty line?:

How many people in total do you know have been abused?:

Did it occur more than once?(to you):

Is the abuser male or female?:
Is/was the abuser involved with drugs and/or alcohol?:

Does the abuser have any mental health problems?(if it is schizophrenia please state it):

Out of all the incidents that you know about, how many of the abusers were a member of the family?:
How many were not?:

Have you or the person you know about confronted their abuser?:
Their/your family?:

Please say yes to one-

How often do you/does your known person see their abuser?

Never:
Few times a year:
Once a month:
Every week or several times per month:

If you chose never,
how often is the abuser involved with you/them through non-contact means (phone, e-mail, etc.)

Never:
Rarely:
Sometimes:
Often:

Have you been to counselling or any type of therapy?:
if so, how long have you been involved with it?:
Is it helping you?:

YOUR MEMORIES (for people answering for themselves):


When did you remember?:
Was it one single memory or several?:
Did you think it was fake/just a dream?:
Was it forced or did it happen while you were sleeping?:


YOUR OPINIONS:


What do you think causes child abuse?:

How should the Legal System respond to Child Abuse?:
-Should abusers with mental health problems be punished or treated?:

What do you think can be done to reduce/end child abuse?:



------------------
Sorry for all the questions, I just wrote whatever came to mind, if you want to throw in another question and answer it, write it at the end! Thank you so much!

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/22728837/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/22728837/ Thu, 22 Jan 2009 09:12:19 PST If you smoke in the car while you're alone, there is "third hand smoke" anyway! literally in the same newspaper i was reading, there was the banning article, then a third hand smoke article.. like it was a new discovery. Well whether you smoke in the car with your kids or not, the residue will stick on to the fabrics, just like they say.. so it doesn't really make a difference does it?

I am back with taylor..
doesn't surprise anybody does it? loll

I've started counselling.. all is well.

I'll update later.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/22728836/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/22728836/ Thu, 22 Jan 2009 09:12:18 PST If you smoke in the car while you're alone, there is "third hand smoke" anyway! literally in the same newspaper i was reading, there was the banning article, then a third hand smoke article.. like it was a new discovery. Well whether you smoke in the car with your kids or not, the residue will stick on to the fabrics, just like they say.. so it doesn't really make a difference does it?

I am back with taylor..
doesn't surprise anybody does it? loll

I've started counselling.. all is well.

I'll update later.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/22362686/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/22362686/ Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:51:39 PST Lies were told several times.
Jealousy was neverending..
It's almost a relief to let it go.. but i never really wanted to let him go..
i do miss him.. even though i really don't want to..

Usually i had to do all the chasing then he finally came around.. i thought it finally would've worked out.. and look where we are now.. hardly on talking terms. i punched him in the face, that didn't help.
We both made mistakes, whether we admit to it or not. I certainly admit I made several mistakes. I wish he didn't give up. It seems like I was the only one trying to make it work. He says he tried, but his definition of trying is just sitting there and taking my bullshit. Yes, i admit it was my bullshit. With some things it was because of him, but for the most part it was my messed up life that got in the way. And us not being together doesn't exactly help my list of tragedies.. This year has been fucked up, and 08 ended really badly.. maybe that'll be the end of all the fucked up shit?

So many tragedies happened. I ran away, moved back, my gran died, etc. etc.
I guess I can come to terms and say that Taylor was for the most part, the best part of this year even with the bullshit.

I thought we would've at least ended on alright terms. As in, stick to our plan of being best friends. Thats why I got the tattoo on my back. And now, what does it mean? Diddlysquat.

It's really stupid cause even after we broke up, the connection was still there. And even after all the bullshit, if we were to be in the same room, I think it'd still be there. Iunno if it'll ever stop...

We were both there for the good and bad times, and I'm grateful for that. Even just little things, like when he was sick and i'd try to take care of him and make him feel better.... ah i'm not gonna talk about that im gonna cry..

anyway, just thought i'd write this since it's been so long and usually it helps me feel better, which this time it didnt... see ya

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/19657601/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/19657601/ Tue, 29 Jul 2008 09:21:03 PDT
There was one incident when this guy was kinda hitting on me.. asking me for my number, he wouldn't shut up, so i gave him my EMAIL! Even Taylor got mad at me for that. He went away to his cottage.. met some guy who brought him to a PARTY. He met girls, admitted to me that eh thought they were pretty [apparently not as pretty as me] and gave them his number! FUcking hypocrit I'm so mad and fucking furious. I could understand if he gave it to the guys, and I dont even know if he did that. He said cause theres nothign to do there. HES NOT GOING TO BE THERE LONG! like jesus christ, he's comign back today I told him I didn't want to see him.

I really shouldn't have to put up with this bullshit. Last time he had friends who were girls, he cheated on me. I don't want him hanging out with girls unless I'm there. Plus i told him theres a rule, I have to meet them first before heh angs out with them by himself. Which he didn't even concider. He's so inconciderate of my feelings. He knew I'd be upset. He thought it was good that he told me. the way he put it it soundedl ike "LOOK! I DIDNT CHEAT ON YOU! LOOK HOW FAITHFUL I AM!" Faithful to me is not even associating with them unless you have to I told him I dont ever want him to do that again.

If I speak to him todya, I'm goign to tell him he can't do that ever again as long as he's with me, and if he doesn't like that, he can go find someone else who will allow him to because I guarantee that person will not care about losing him. I do.

I'm so fucking mad right now it's unbelievable. He's such an asshole. He didn't even think about how i'd react. Seriuosly, this is all his fault. If he didn't cheat on me, I would not have a single fucking problem with him hanging out with girls. I didn't before. When he first hung out with meghan, it was on our first month, and i didn't liek that. but i was like as long as nothing happened, i'm alright with it. but of course, several months later he tells me what happened. I got back at him, I feel stupid for it, but i did get back at him.

I don't even want to speak to him. I feel like strangling him. He said he'd be in toronto at one, I'm hoping ill finish ranting soon get in the bath and go to the beach where he can't find me. I got a call from work they were asking me to come in for 12-6, but i called back and they were busy and when it finally rung they didn't pick up. I feel bad because I always say call me if anyone calls in sick, but then I never really want to go in lol. But this would've been a good way to stay away from Taylor. As bad as that is.

I had another ghost dream last night. I really hate them cause they feel so real.. I seriously thing some spirit is near me while I'm dreaming, it's really creepy..ahhhh..

I'm so tired to do anything. bye.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/19642802/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/19642802/ Mon, 28 Jul 2008 13:31:31 PDT
My birthday was wonderful, thanks to Taylor. The only bad part was I wanted to look nice and my hair was just not cooperating... so i had a little hissyfit and didn't even want to go out, but eventually I did. Cute thing is, I kinda already knew what his plans were. Maybe like.. a week before my birthday, I went shopping, Taylor had come with me, and he said he wanted to go check something else, he was really buying my bday gift. loll.. So.. I guessed what it was, so he gave it to me early. Then I was trying to get it out ofhim what his plans were for my bday.. On our first date of our relationship, he took me to the Harbourfront, and told me he wanted to take me to Il Fernello one day. then months passed, I found out he took this chick Megan for a first date there, for months I complained that some stupid hoebag got to go there on the first date, and like 6 or 7 months in, I hadn't been taken there yet. So I guessed it, and he was so bummed, I told him I didn't want to say it cause I was pretty sure I was right.. but he insisted, so I did.

Dinner there was AMAZING. Literally 3 or so minutes after ordering, our food was there. Quick friggin' service I'll tell ya. It was amazing. I had pasta with grilled chicken [there was a fancy name for it of course, I just don't remember it.] I forget what Taylor had, but we shared our meals as we always do Overall it was an amazing birthday, one I'll never forget.

So the next day, we were off to Quebec. Long train lemme tell you, 10 hours, in between we had to switch trains in Montreal. We played card games to pass the time.. the boys were all playing crazy eight countdown while I was listening to my music.. and of course their were conflicts cause one, Taylor had never played [weirdooo] and two, everyone has different rules for that game which drove everyone crazy. We watched movies, etc. etc.
When we got there, Wendy met us at the train station [she is the one that let us rent her house]. We got settled in, went grocery shopping, and of course got booze. Over the whole holiday I had a 2-6 to myself. We drank every night, which was not really good.

Throughout the nights many events happened. The first night, we went to a club, one floor was a band, the other floor was for dancing. We were watching the band, and of course there just had to be strippers [well, not real strippers, but stupid slutty pole dancers]. And taylors grinding up against me while looking at them. If you want to look at them, go ahead, but dont dance with me while doing so. I got upset of course, cried etc. etc. I cry a lot when I drink. lol. Plus I'm a jealous person so that doesn't help. Before going to the club, we had gone to see Quebec's famous fireworks, biggest in Canada, which is SO true. They were so beautiful. We met up with Taylors friend Nic, who had bailed on us on future nights, what a waste of cellphone texts and longdistance minutes, that I'm going to have to pay on my next bill. Just for the one day it was $1.36, and we used a lot more throughout the trip which is going to be crazyyy.

Anyway, there was one night where I didn't want to go out, and Taylor the nice man he is, stayed home with me. We drank a little by ourselves, soaked in a bubble bath which was so cute, even though it was hard to fit in there cause he has huge legs. lol. If I remember correctly, when the boys got back, Jeff stayed home, and just Robin, Taylor, and Brad had gone out afterwards which is crazy. Who knows what they did, I still didn't ever really hear the story.

Two nights I believe before we had to leave, we went to the same club again, which was SO FUNNNNN!!! I went to the dancing floor, and everyone else of course. Had quite a few drinks, was having a blast. And Jeff was trying to dance with random chicks which was just not working. So I was being friendly and dancing with him. It's one thing to dance near someone, and to be holding on to them and pushing them against you. He was holding my hips pushing me towards him, Taylor noticed.. sarcastically laughed, pulled his hand away, but he wouldn't stop!! haha he was so drunk.

Brad had been dancing around all these chicks, and Taylor had to say "will power buddy, will power" an... ]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/18924793/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/18924793/ Thu, 19 Jun 2008 06:32:07 PDT
]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/18594714/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/18594714/ Sat, 31 May 2008 14:10:08 PDT
He spent the night last night.. I cried a lot, even to sleep... he didn't even notice i cried myself to sleep... He doesn't understand..

I'm gonna have no one if he goes..

Meh, that's life eh?
Gotta go finish my ISU.. bye for now.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/18481296/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/18481296/ Sat, 24 May 2008 15:12:31 PDT umm..
My math marks aren't the greatest.. i've been getting like... 70-79's.. haven't gotten an amazing mark in awhile.

I never go to science anymore, but that's nothing new.

I actually did my ISU rough for english, i get feedback on tuesday i believe.

I have to do a WHOLE civics project for tuesday. i got picked first, as usual.

I've been working quite a bit, last night was crazy busy.. there's another newbie, and she's pretty damn good, but she messed up someones order, she forgot to push in one of the sandwiches, plus the cook in the back fucked up one sandwich like twice.. the newbie was like "what did i dio wrong with your order? they cook it not me".. and i just nudged her to basically shut her up cause she's supposed to stay calm in situations like that... anyway i kept apologizing to the lady, and i got the manager, like you're supposed to.. ir eally like the newbie, and i think she likes me hehhe, she even gave me a highfive when she left. she's chillin. lol. but yeah, i taught her a few things, which will help her in the long run.. cause certain things i didn't even know..

EW one thing she did that was really ronchy, was .. she made a mcflurry, and it spilled a little on the side.. and she used a BARTOWEL to wipe it.. i was like "ahhh1! noooo use napkin!!" lolll//,, hilarious. then she did it again after i had already told her.. but it was all because she didn't know where the napkins were on the subway side.. lol.. too funny.
yeah... at midnight it got REALLY busy. it was fuckin crazy.. but luckily the manager backed me up by getting the orders and all i had to do was take the orders and get the drinks. pretty damn nice.. and luckily no one ordered ice cream cause that would've been worse.

ummm.. nothing's really exciting.. iw ent to victoria day with my baby it was cute. victoria day is my favourite holiday....

OH! that's what's new! i found my dad's family!!! through facebook of all places.. i went to a newfie group and said if anyone knew him, to msg me. and some chick did, and i found a cousin through her.. and just as i suspected, no one even knew he had a daughter.

i have two brothers, that they know of lol. I wanna go meet them, even if my dad doesn't want to.. i think they want to meet me too.. which is nice.
I still have two grandparents, but my grandfather is ill apparently.. has been for awhile..

last night i had to sign for my inheritance thing from my gran... kinda depressing. It's gonna go into a bank or something that ic an't touch until i'm 18. which is good cause ill have money for college. I won't touch it until i go to college, so hopefully it'll grow a bit.. it's only 1000 bucks but hopefully interest will make it a bit more .. college isn't really gonna cost much.. unless i live on my own or with taylor.. that is, if he stays. anyway.,. I have to do a whole project, so i better get going.

TOOOOOTLES.

gros bisous bebe (K)

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/18118340/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/18118340/ Thu, 01 May 2008 14:03:38 PDT I'm having a pretty horrible homelife lately. I spent the night at taylors moms house just the other night because i didn't want to be here, or go to my moms. It's amazing the differences between his mom aand my mom. She gave me a hug before bed. Which, my mother never did. I don't even recall my mother tucking me in. She called me her honorary daughter i love her so much!! And taylor definitely looks like both his mother and father. it's so adorable.

My grades suck. I'm failing civs.. still passing english though 51. doesn't make sense, but i'm passing. lol.

I BARELY ever go to science, and I've only dropped like 5% in the whole year. hhaha.

Math i'm only getting 58. All those 96's didn't do jack shit. But I guess Ill take what I can get.

I joined the track team.. had a meet yesterday, didn't go too well. I got last in my race sooo embarassing.
Me and taylor have come to the conclusion that we are going to quit the team. The coach sucks, the practices aren't even practices, theyre a waste of time. and we have no team spirit. But this kid jason in grade 10 I believe, got 1st in his race, which is a miracle for rosedale.

Anyway, me and taylor have had our ups and downs, but we make it through everything, like always. Our 6 month was last week. he's so cute, took me out for lasagna my favourite. haha.

I don't tlak to any of my friends really, anymore. I hate to say it, but I can't stand the immaturity. I finallllly sat with them once at lunch the other day, and they were laughing for no reason, it seemed as though they were laughing at taylor, so i left. I'm fine with the way thats going, its a shame to say, but its the truth. Meh.

anyway, gotta get doin my homework. TOOTLES

p.s.
Love you bunny! (L).

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17715252/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17715252/ Sun, 06 Apr 2008 12:27:12 PDT They were fighting over fucking FACEBOOK!
Fucking pathetic if you ask me.
i yelled at rex, I told him he treats my sister like shit, and if I had it my way, he'd be gone.

I told my sister that if she does in fact have cancer, he probably won't give a shit! I told her she needs to leave him, and she said "I'm not strong enough"
i told her its fucking stupid cause if you can't be independant, you shouldn't be in a relationship. I asked her why the hell she would want something like that in her life, all the drama, it's pathetic.
Whatever, before I went back to bed, I told her I had no respect for her or rex. I think I made my point. Rex even said fuck you to me last night.
Fuck him.
He's a dirty piece of shit, and he's no better than my sister. He was saying rude remarks [I will not say what] meanwhile he sells drugs illegally, runs his own "business" and at certain times in the year, he can't work because of what he does.
I hope he rots in hell.

At the beginning of their relationship, they had another arguement and andrea threatened to call the cops, and he thought she was gonna rat him out.. I'm actually concidering doing that. As bad as it is.

So yeah, when we went back to bed, taylor was trying to comfort me. I told him I didn't want to be like them.. I really don't.
I don't care how much debt I'm in from student loans, I am going to get myself an education and actually make something of myself. Prove my family wrong.
My whole family are lowlifes [my moms side, anyway]. I hate to say that, but it's true.
When my mom was working, she was stubborn and would stop working at some points just to smite her boss. Cause she knew he would take her back cause he had no one to work for him. She was the most hardworking person.
Then maybe.....a year and a half ago, not sure.. She finally officially quit. Now, she sits on her ass all day. And because she does that, her arms are all fucked, her back is fucked. She can barely walk a block. My aunt is a psycho welfare scam artist. Pathetic, and so is her son, my cousin, Luke. Plus him and his gf sell drugs as well. I' so proud of my cousin Apryl [lukes sister] for making something of herself. She has a career, is happily married, and she just heard recently that she's FINALLY gonna have a baby.

The rest of my moms family who are successful, don't even really talk to us.
Other than Our cousins from my aunt marie. and it's only on facebook. Facebook should be fucking cancelled. Seriously, it's fucking taking over the world or something.
And luke is a disloyal asshole. I don't know why danielle is even with him.

I don't even know my real dad, my step dad, jake.. his family is actually successful. I wish I was a Dignam.

I left my moms for a reason, and now I'm concidering going back.
This is just another shithole. I thought my mom's was worse, and at first, it was.. but now It seems like I'd be happier there. Especially since I now have a job and wouldn't really have to worry about anything other than buying a bed cause my brother took mine when he moved out.

I don't know what to do.
I definitely don't want to live here, at least in the summer. I wanted to rent a short term apartment with taylor.. I doubt thats happening. cause most short term rentals are for 3 months, not 2. We'll be lucky if we find one.
If we wouldn't be able to do that, we were gonna go to France for a week or something, which would cost way more, and I don't even have a passport, and I don't know how long that takes.
This sucks.

I have to do my friggin english ISU I dont even know when it's due.

I haven't talke dto pearce in awhile, she's most likely mad at me, and quincy is too.. but for some reason, I don't even really care. All they do is nag that I don't spend time with them, [mostly pearce].. I understand that, I guess. But to me it's not that big of a deal.
Taylor might be leaving for england next year, and I'm just trying to spend all the time I can with him.. selfish, I know.. but still.
[he just found out he got into OCAD I'm so proud of him] he still has to send his portfolio to coventry. I just know he's going to get in. I know he can do it.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my brother Kyle, and he told me to lose the idea of the apartment, one, because we probably won't get it.. and he said I should finish high school and then move to england with taylor... it sounds crazy to me.
Cause for one, I'm taking a fifth year, so that's two years, so he'll have 2, MAYBE 3 more years to go..Sounds silly to move there.. unless I take a year off to work or some... ]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17641234/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17641234/ Tue, 01 Apr 2008 19:49:35 PDT At first I was REALLY bad, but then I got the hang of it. I'm not a pro or anything, but the girl who was training me said I was better than the other newbie who has been working there a week, so that can't be that bad right? lol
Some customers are really prissy, others are really nice.
When I was first trying to figure out all the buttons, some guy was like "you're doing a great job"
aHAHA
i wasn't even doing anything.

I would rant more, but I don't feel like it since Ive already told people about it.

PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17561600/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17561600/ Fri, 28 Mar 2008 17:43:56 PDT
I'm gonna let it slide, unless she looks at me, or speaks to taylor.

I hate when Taylor isn't here. I can't contact him, other than text messaging. OH BUT HE JUST CALLED ME NOW! Of cours eI had a meltdown, but I'm gonna go drink some vex and cool off.

I really love him and i don't ever want to lose him!!

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17464142/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17464142/ Sat, 22 Mar 2008 19:36:09 PDT spent the night with taylor, and the whole day with him!
We had dinner at his grandparents house. THEY ARE SO NICE! and his cousin ashlee is really nice and friendly. I LOVE HIS NANA!!! sooo cute. at one point we were all in the living room talking amongst each other. and his nana put her arm around me, and was playing with my hair.. and i was telling her how she has to teach me a few things about her recipes P it was the cutest thing ever, i almost cried.

HAHAHAHA
taylor and his dad were sitting side by side. and they look sooo much alike, i think anyway.
and hahha at one point his dad made a face, and it was SUCH A TAYLOR FACE! hahaha it was too funny, cause thye have the same eyes.

ahh!! and during dinner, his nana got all feisty lolll. AHAHAHa she said "sshhhhhit!" and taylor had told me about it before, and i just GASPED! and was like "OH NO!! I didn't want to witness thaT!" ahaahaha ahhhaha then at one point she wacked taylors dad.

I LOVE HIS NANA! and i love his family, and i love him!! HAPPY FIVE MONTH BABY!! I still have to meet his mom

PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17414977/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17414977/ Fri, 21 Mar 2008 16:30:04 PDT --

So ummmmmmmmmm...... I have my first job interview on Friday. I'm not really nervous anymore. I'm just gonna be myself, smile, and answer the questions. I have a general idea of what I'm going to say, so it should go well.

on friday taylor went to workkkk i didn't see him until sunday.. briefly anyway. and now he is gone until thursday/friday. I don't even know if I'll see him this weekend anyway, cause friday's my interview... and i don't know what's gonna happen with that if i do get the job. I hope I see him on saturday cause it's our five month. ahh i miss him so much. I have a lot going in my head and I just miss talking to him!!

Math is still going good, got a 96 on another math quiz. i have another quiz on wednesday.

umm... photography blows.
umm... i'm really not into life drawing.
stupid, i'm taking both of them again next year.
i'm really not into the arts anymore.

big brother is on, i'm outtttt.

[E]:
I GOT THE JOB!!!

wooooohooo!!
right on the spot too, i just had to answer some simple questions. Man, I kicked ass. I have to go get a bank account on tuesday, then orientation is on thursday i believe. ahh and the manager is SO nice. her name is Sonia. She's really short compared to me though.. kinda awkward. and her assistant seems nice.

she asked me if i'd rather work on cash or in the kitchen, and i told her i'd do whatever she needed.. so i might have to make food. ahhahahahahhaha oh man, might be a disaster.

AHHH!! and I was invited to go to taylor's grandparent's house for dinner tomorrow. IM SO NERVOUS!!! man, too days of being nervous in a ROW! I'm gonna have an anxiety attack or something.

MY NIECE AND NEPHEW ARE HOME AGAIN!! oh man, i was so happy. I had a lot of fun today. They came home, and we played snakes and ladders, and jenga, and basketball, and then we danced around. i spun kaylee like crazy1!! lol
Kaylee is SO grown up now.. she knows katelyn's full name, and same with kylers.. ahahah she doesn't even know her own full name. i tried to teach her, and my name, and andreas name, and taylors name hahah, that one didn't go too well.

oh my jeez, kaylee's hair is like a RATS nest cause Dj doesn't know how to brush her hair!! poor girl!! me and andee are going to help her with that things are finally getting better. for now, anyway.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17184094/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17184094/ Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:34:02 PST Me and taylor were talking about family and stuff.. and in the middle of it all, I just randomly thought about my gran.. I really wanted her to meet him. And while I was thinking that.. I was trying to holdback the tears, but I just let 'em out. Hahaa taylor looked at me like I was a freak. Anyway, I just cried and cried.. then eventually I felt a bit better.. Taylor was nice about it.

Anyway, then afterschool I went to write my resume.. MAN! It's a lot better than it was. I can't believe I handed out that other piece of crap. Then I went to my mothers with my brother. AW i love kyle's dog. it's a minpin. SO CUTE. I want one.

Ah I don't feel liike blabbling anymore.
big brother is on at 9 PEACE.

love you taylor!

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17152024/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/17152024/ Sun, 02 Mar 2008 15:53:17 PST Of course, I miss Taylor.
I really miss Kyler and Kaylee, I haven't seen them in almost a month probably. During the march break I'm gonna go see them at DJ's. DJ won't let Andrea bring her kids home, he thinks she's going to be as immature as he is and not give them back. They're not items, they're children. DJ and Andrea need to be more mature about these things.

And Andrea overall just pisses me off. I have to write about all this otherwise I will blow up on someone. She is not the person she used to be. There are tons of people on facebook who are nosey bastards and send her messages telling her she's a bad mother. Which, I half agree, and half disagree. Her excuse for not doing things with her kids is cause it's winter. Then she turns around and says she does things with her kids everyday [It sounded like she meant RECENTLY] which is so not fucking true. She's out ALL the time. Goes out with Rex constantly. Just this weekend, sure, Katelyn wasn't home.. so she can go out, whatever.. it's her life. But today [sunday] Katelyn comes home. What does Andrea do? She stays in the basement, most likely sleeping.. ALL DAY! Katelyn got home at 1:30, her mother was downstairs til like.. 5/530ish.. And it is now 6 30. She barely said anythign to Katelyn, and now she went out with Rex. She doesn't spend any time with Katelyn.. like motherdaughterbonding or anything. Ever since she met Rex, she's been drinking every weekend [pretty much the whole weekend] and she has AT LEAST 1-2 beers EVERY NIGHT! SHE IS A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC! I tell her all the time, stop fucking drinking. But does she listen NO!!.. She is skinny as hell.. People are spreading rumours about her doing coke and shit. BRAVO TO THEM! She deserves that criticism [sp?]. She weighs LESS than I do. Which I think is disgusting in my opinion. You can see her ribcage. Makes me want to fucking puke. Actually, it makes me want to eat for her. Better yet, shove food down her throat. Anyway, she says she wants to gain weight, but DRINKING BEER DOESNT HELP! FUcking retard. She bought a scale too.. She really wants to lose weight, I swear. cause one time she was like "I weigh 122".. next day "120 woohoo!" or something like that. FUCK SHE BOTHERS ME!

The court date for custody is on the 26th. I hate that DJ is keeping her kids from her, but at the same time I'm proud of him. He's matured pretty well compared to before. I never voice my opinion to Andrea about the whole thing. But she doesn't deserve her kids if she's going to continue to act the way she is. She needs to grow up. She is acting like a 15 year old. When people diss her on facebook or whatever. she always messages back with lies. "I AM A GREAT MOTHER!" yadda yadda.

Another thing, the other day, Taylor was over.. he was playing video games and forgot to clsoe the glass doors or whatever when he was done. and she FLIPPED!. She said "my house is clean, I want to keep it clean. I just want everybody to clean up aafter themselves... if your boyfriend doesn't clean up, you have to clean up after him". EXCUSE MOI??!?!?! I CLEANED THE WHOLE HOUSE 2 DAYS PREVIOUS to her saying that. The day after IIII cleaned, when I walked in the door, she just made it look like she was cleaning.
Then of course, SHE makes a mess the like.. day after... REX makes a mess. HIS KIDS made a mess in one of the bedrooms. and WHO cleans it EVERY TIME!!??!?!?!? MEEEEE!!! His kids never fucking clean up after themselves and quite frankly, I''m fucking pissed off about it. They're horrible non-disciplined kids and they need to grow up. Actually, REX needs to step up to the plate and teach them good manors. I swear I could beat them. I can't wait to make my own babies [with Taylor] They are going to be SO well-behaved. No joke.
Anyway, I'm the only one who friggin cleans up around here. I hate living here I can't wait to get out on my own.

I also really miss my dad. I haven't heard from him in a long time.. probably since a few days after his birthday... I tried calling him today but he didn't pick up.

As for this weekend, .. on friday I cleaned the WHOLE HOUSE [of course].. and on saturday I lounged around, did a BIT of homework.. and read my book. Then today I literally woke up, ate breakfast, then watched like 3 or 4 movies.. Then I ate again.. read my book, played Call of Duty [addicted]. andddddddddddd oh between all that I had a bath lol.. and nowwww I'm just lounging around being pissed off about my homelife. If you want to call it a home. I hate it, I'm living just like i was at my moms house. I talked to Laura about it awhile back. I left my moms for a REASON. Now it's basically the same thing only under somewhat different circumstances. I'm not really being treated with Respect. I'm being walked all over. I babysit all the time. and what REALLY pisses me off is she's so used to me being home , that she... ]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16951842/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16951842/ Mon, 18 Feb 2008 19:07:19 PST Careers- 62
Photo- 82
English-57

Gym-65
Math-51
Life drawing-56
Science-81
Average: 62

---
NO IDEA how i got 82 in science. My mom told me this over the phone, and i was like wtF? but it works out in the average so... but mr. field told me i was getting 66.. ahhhhh iunno.

so.. this weekend i did no homework. which is REALLY bad. not that i have any.. really. i just have to start reading my book. but i didnt.. and i should be.. "studying" frankenstein crap..
I don't know how it's possible that i'm getting 57. makes nooo sense. i've gone to like MAYBE 2.5 classes in teh last month. and i only dropped by 1 in science. i'm being cocky, but i KICK ASS in that class. i dont even go, but i seem to always be there for tests and crap.. and i'm still passing! ha! PLUS he KNOWS i skip. lol.
I'm so happy I passed careers. in the beginnign iw as getting 20. i'm so proud of myself. I dropped art, so that doesn't matter. but i dont know why it was on my report card. i hate ms. ingram. it's so hard to get a good mark in her classes.. well.. for me anyway. i guess its really.. "competitive" now. meh..
--
anyway, didnt really do anythign thsi weekend.. cleaned my house a bit.. went to the autoshow with taylor and his friend matt.. wasn't as boring as i thought it would be. tiring though.. i felt like i was shopping for hours. which i HATE. but it was an excuse to be with taylor sooooo.. lol.
Today I went to my brothers to play Rockband.. wasn't really fun cause Katelyn didn't know any of the songs. but she actually tried Learn to Fly by foo fighters and did alright. man, i would never play drums in real life.. lol. i'm so horrible.

I had the most awkward conversation with Jake today... oooh my goodness. ahhh i wont even talk about it.

So.. I am/was on a chase to find my real dad. But my mother [the only one who does have information] wont' give it to me. She claims she doesn't remember. But Jake, my aunt K, and myself all know she keeps everythign filed away in that stupid brain of hers.
I asked her if he has siblings, at first she said no.. then she said that he has a sister with a daughter..who lives in scarborough.. but of course.. NO NAMES. my ass.
she remembered his moms name, Hectarine [sp?] but does'nt know the maiden name. She doesnt know his dads name.. but i coulda swore she told me before. it was a funny name as well.
She doesnt know his bands name.. which is ridiculous.
I only want to find him, to see what he's like.. even if its bad. if i get certain traits from him.. if i really do look like him. what he sounds like... i want to find my siblings.
but then again, he didn't want me in the first place. he came back one time, but didn't bother to come see me.. and if i were to find siblings, that would jsut be odd. they probably dont even know i exist.. it's not like he's walking me down the aisle or anything.. jake would be.. but hell, barrie could be a grandfather one day.. he probably wouldn't even care though. whatever.

on to a better topic: taylor's portfolio interview is tomorrow.. he seemed unsure of himself yesterday.. but he worked at it and from what i can tell, is more confident about it. which is amazing! I am soooooo proud of him!

OOOOH gig on saturday. i'm psyched. I'm gonna wear my sexy shirt, i was gonna wear it for the next time me and taylor go out but NO THANK YOU! imma look sexy. lol. that way he'll be distracted on stage. ahahahahhahah.

i'm done being blabbersome. PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16899578/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16899578/ Fri, 15 Feb 2008 13:52:15 PST and a BOX of cookies. I don't even know how many are in there. tons! Then he surprised me with THEE cutest f'in ring I've ever seen in my life. and now it's on MY finger it has an opal stone I love it, and I love Taylor. I want to get him a ring as soon as I can. I wanted to straight from the beginning. Just gotta get a job first
He promised me, now I shall promise him!

We're goign to a symphony orchestra 2 weekends from now. I've never been and I am SO excited. I need dress pants though ..grr... maybe andrea has some lol.

Hahhhhhhhhh I had an amazing time.. and i'm sure he did too.. loll

I miss kyler and kaylee they haven't been home in like.. a week.

So... i'm really tired. i'm gonna go lay down. PEACe.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16833963/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16833963/ Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:21:16 PST
HA! Then when I was walkign to the subway station, I got to witness her boyfriend trip on the ice. HAHAHAHAHAHA greatest moment ever, I couldn't help my giggle to myself. I wish Taylor could've witnessed it. It was oh so funny. ahhhhhh.. i hate bitches. hahahaahahahaha

So I passed careers. got 62. i really want to know what im getting in english. probably realllllly low.

2 weeks til five months (L). ehhe

ugh. .it's my fathers birthday today. i don't know if he's actually in the hospital so i didn't bother getting off the bus to go see him.

I have to go clean.. seeing as how i don't really have homework to be doing.....hmmmmm........boo.

I wanna be inside your heaven, oh yes i do.

Dirty.. filthy.. nasty.. too dirty to clean my act up. If you ain't dirty, you ain't here to party. ring the alarm, and i'm throwin elbows. lemme in.. ooh i'm over due, gimme some room, i'm comin' through.
I need that uhn.. to get me off, sweatin' til my clothes come off.


ahh i love music.
PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16771101/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16771101/ Thu, 07 Feb 2008 14:24:45 PST I'm getting 62% in photography. not the greatest, but its 10% higher than I was getting. I'm going to assume I'm not failing english cause I wasnt called in for recovery day.. either that, or i'm getting below 40. which i dont think i am.....so.
I'm still doing damnnn good in science, which doesn't make any sense. cause i haven't been there in ages. other than yesterday.

Stupid Taylor wasn't at school today. but i was watching the news this morning and i think there was something wrong with the gotransit. I missed him soooooooo much. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day. It's amazing what I thought about though.. soooooo many thoughts.. aw I miss him

I thought I had more news.. hmm.. Mr. Corea was pretty pissed that I hadn't been to his class in a long time.. but we joked about it. kinda.. lol.
Then we bonded over raggae music, so it's all good. Ew he keeps calling me Kimbo. I HATE.. DETEST when people call me that. It reminds me of the kimbo my mom used to know. ugh.. i used to admire her as a kid, then I grew up and found out she's a crackhead.

Aw I wish our school still had dances. UGH! stupid grade nines and tens getting so drunk. Ruined it for me! I LIVE for dances. I wish people would just grow up. Sure, I drank too. but i wasn't even drunk. The only time I was drunk was HA! i'm being a hypocrit. in grade ten.. but it was only one time! COME ON! I was really drunk.. HAHA I'm sure Ben remembers. Stupid drunk black girl trying to grope him. LOLLLLL! hahahahahahahahahhaha so funny.

Even though I'm with Taylor, I'm going to prepare for a bad Valentine's Day. They're always bad. I only had ONE good valentines... and I don't even really remember it. I think I still broke up with that guy just before v-day. But unlike BEN he still gave me the gift. LOL. aw I wish I could find that bracelet. I know it's lying around somewhere.

I am SWEATING to death. holy crud.
Ew, I have gym tomorrow. I don't want to go.
I swear, if I'm not skipping one class, I'm skipping another. sooo bad.

Hmm.. I guess that's it for today. So long farewell.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16703880/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16703880/ Sun, 03 Feb 2008 09:30:54 PST I DONT WANT TO BE SICK! I hateeeee being sick.

Soooooo.. on recovery day, I had to do a math exam.. it went really shitty, but i dont care because i got 98%!!! on my math unit test. BOO YA!

i have to ask mr. field what im getting in photography. i know my mark is bettttttter than before.

I loveeeee my taylor (L).
so much.
I would rant about him, but I'm too tired. lol

PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16615994/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16615994/ Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:13:01 PST During that whole dilemma, i did not feel like myself at all.... and i have come to the conclusion that i assume it's because i didn't have Taylor with me. He really is my other half.

I drew a nude model today for the first time. The first drawing, we had 10 minutes to draw, then we would go to someone else's drawing and add onto it. I never got to see what the one person did with mine.. but I really liked what I had to begin with... I think I kicked ass for someone who hasn't done it before. and on the plus side, we did it using charcoal. i love charcoal.

i'm still failing math.. i have 46.. i have to go in for credit recovery.. even though i'm doing really well this term.
and apparently i'm failing gym..............which blows.. so i have to go in for that as well..


ah, that's life.
got a presentation to do tomorrow. IM SO NERVOUS!

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16561968/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16561968/ Fri, 25 Jan 2008 06:26:31 PST yipee.

who knew being one more credit behind could be so relieving.

This is amazing.

MY FOOT HURTS! it won't stop hurting. im gonna dieeeeeee.

and my hand hurts, the stupid babykitties scratched me.

anywho, i'm off to print something, and study for careers since i have a SPARE. hehe

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16555572/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16555572/ Thu, 24 Jan 2008 17:41:11 PST
IIIII got perfect on a math quiz. I am so f'in proud of myself.

I've decided that I'm going to tattoo Taylor on my midsection. LOL.
I don't care if I don't know what's gonna happen in the next few wweeks, months, years. He's allllready a big part of my life. He's helped me change, and become a better person, and I care about him so much!


Now I'm pissed off..
I officially, for one [this is old news] dont have a father. Now I don't have a brother.. well, I never did have him. He ran away never came in contact.. we found him, and he still doesn't keep in contact.. DJ is now his brother.

Fuck.. what's the point of having family?
Jesus christ.


I can't wait to start my own family. [with taylor of course] lol
It's gonna be a good family, unlike mine.

Wow, I still haven't finished writing this.. ahh, see, i say I want to start my own family, but I just had to watch five fuckign rugrats and my mind is spinning.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh...
I still have to finish most of my project, and then fucking study for careers. well, it's gonna be easy either way, but I have to read through a lotta shit. ahh peace.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16524893/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16524893/ Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:43:43 PST

Taylor is amazing.. wrote the best song/poem ever.
It made me cry.. especially when he actually like spoke 'em outloud or whatever.
Yet another amazing day. I'm so happy. 'Never been happier.

I got 72% on my math redo exam thingy.

i'm so hungryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
imma go eat.

I can't wait til summer. i want hot weather, man!

PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16507168/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16507168/ Mon, 21 Jan 2008 14:28:16 PST but the day i actually go to english, i don't get called for my conference. piss me off.

i got 78 on my careers binder. i got 90 on the life drawing exam. and i got 70 on the painting.

i told mr.eisen i have a huge fear of doign presentations and standing up in front of people.. and he said i could do it alone with him instead of in front of the class..... WHAT A RELIEF!

i think i might skip the days theyre doing presentations and go to the library or something to work on it.

i didn't finish my science assignment, i did everything cept one thing, i'm just gonna hand it in the way it is. and i have another assignment to do but i dont know when its due..
i have a math quiz tomorrow, i think i'm gonna do alright... for a change. lol.

i feel like a fatass, i ate mcdonalds. i think i'm gonna go to gym early and run. ms. d is gonna bite my ass, i didnt go on the field trip... i'm just gonna say i was late and didn't wanna go get lost by myself.

tomorrow is our four month! (L)
of course taylors working ...*rolls eyes*
boo.
last month we had to share that time with my family cause it was the xmas party, the month before that he forgot! jeez.. men.

ahh, i love him anyway.

i'm gonna be bad, not do any homework tonight.. well.. i might later.. iunno, but im gonna go play some guitar hero, soak in a nice bubble bath.....andd chillax... maybe go to bed early.. PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16461278/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16461278/ Fri, 18 Jan 2008 14:53:45 PST
and the other day, i rannnnnnn... 45 minutes in total. but i ran in converse, which KILLS the legs. My muscles are dead. And yesterday didn't help it much. well, i guess the stretch helps ;] aaha.

when you walk
and when you talk,
i get the tingle, i want to mingle,
that's what i want.
trying to make you understand you're on my radar.
got you on myyyy radar.

hehehe..

March is going to be amazing.
there's like.. 12 days of school in total.. cause theres march break, early closing, half day, good friday, easter monday.. literacy test.

it's amazing.
and february's gonna be alright. cause theres early closing and a half day in one week.

i get the house to myself this weekend. NO KIDS. and andrea is going out tonight..a nd luke might be gone for the whole weekend.
wOOOOHOOO!!!
this is amazing.
at about 7, i will have the house to myself.
i should throw a house party. lol.

in the summer, i want to go to a nude beach. lolll.
that would be hilarious.
i need to go on vacationnnnnnn.

i can't wait til victoria day.. it's always the best day for me. ALWAYS... valentines day always sucks. i think there has only been one valentines day where it didn't go too bad. that was like three years ago lol.

ahhhhhh whatevs.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16402525/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16402525/ Mon, 14 Jan 2008 12:49:14 PST No matter how crazy, inappropriate, or random they are.
I will answer 100% truthfully. (or as close to the truth as I can)
--

Now, as for today..
I feel ALIVE!
i'm bad, i slept in.. went to 2nd period, then...skipped the afternoon. lol. i'm so badddd.
ms ingram wasn't there for life drawing, and i'm acing science. so.. i left.lol

i was having a horrible time with math.. but luckily i have taylor to stand behind me. I was SO close to dropping math. But i called Jeff, and he helped me...thanks to taylor.. and also, lindsay made a group for math, and everyone contributed.

I am so in love.. I am crazy in love! ahh! I love you Taylor.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16363488/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16363488/ Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:18:44 PST --

today was a long day.
i had a great time with taylor... i love him so much. i hope my dream comes true!!!

after i was with taylor, i went to my moms house..i applied to Country Style.. when i asked for the application, the manager [whom i've basically known since forever] asked me if it was jsut for weekends.. and i told him i could work afterschool... but when i went back to hand in the application, he wasn't there. i wanted to tell him i'd do weekends if that's what he needed!! ahhh i'm so mad. but i had a good time with my mom and sis.. but i'm soo fucking furious with my dad. he's out of the hospital again, for good i assume. he thinks he's better, but he's not.
i feel like abandoning him.

on my way home, i saw my uncle george i haven't seen him in so long. we had a nice long chat on the bus.

i have so much homework to do this weekend. its gonna start tomorrow!!! lol

i'm just talking to Kristen now... hahahahahahahahahahhahahahha..
my my my....
i won't even get into it.
taylor knows the basics. AHAHAHHA

i love you taylor, i miss you so much!

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16304808/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16304808/ Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:16:39 PST I saw Taylor this morning, I gave him a letter that I wrote for him.
Apparently he really liked it, and I hope he really does.
I love him

I'm bad.. first day back, and i skipped the afternoon. ughhhhhh...
I shall never do it again! cept, i might not go to gym tomorrow. AHA. nah, ill try to.. iunno. anyway..

So I had a blast today :] I really did. I am so happy. I FEEL ALIVE AGAIN! such a good feeling.

Country style isn't hiring :[ apparently they're cutting peoples hours because there are too many people.. which I find hard to believe. but wahtever.

So i'm gonna try timmys tomorrow, and possibly the bowling alley.. if those dont work, i'm gonna try country style near my moms house. at least it's not downtown, where i could get raped, right? lol.

and iffffffffff that doesn't work, i'm goign to resort to paramount theatre. that'd be pretty sick.. iunno if they still do it, but when my brother worked there, he was allowed in free for movies, and he was allowed to bring one friend.. it might've only been once a month, but still. I would totally bring taylor.. duh.

maybe ill work at atlantis...hmm... this is a tricky decision.

I shall go try to do some english. PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16263053/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16263053/ Fri, 04 Jan 2008 22:47:51 PST I've never had so much fun. and Taylor was AMAZING. it was such a rush seeing him up there.
I FINALLY GOT TO SEE TAYLOR!!! ahhaha the security guards were on our asses for getting it on in the corner AHAHHA so funny.
I took like... over 200 pictures, haha.. and 10 videos.

There was a guy in one band, he said his name was Josh, and yelled out his phone number. and quincy got it LOL. so we called him, and i told him i was the chick who looks like a disco ball [sequence lol] and then he jumped off stage and iw as like HEY ITS ME THE DISCO BALL.. he was just like "uh.. uh.. GOOD FOR YOU"
ASSHOLE> lol.

there was a screamo singer Adam, [ i met him XD] from The After Chapter. . hahaha he was wearing a shirt that said "GO GO GADGET PENIS!" i loved it. then when he was offstage, i totally was being a paparazzi and took ranodm pictures of him from across the room. LOL.

then i kept hestitating to go ask him to take a picture with me, so ashley ran up to him and asked for me. HAHAHA.. he asked me my name first *drools*ahhaah
he looked about 30 ahahah. sexy 30 year old man.


i found him on myspace and facebook hahahahahah.. --
I HAVE TO GO SEE TAYLOR ONSTAGE AGAIN! it was so fun. ahhh...
i love him so much.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16246881/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16246881/ Thu, 03 Jan 2008 21:00:12 PST I got a nice dress to wear tomorrow night for the gig.
I also got 2 shirts, and one fancy one. oh and i got leggings to go with my dress.

Me and kris were walkign around, and I kept saying I wanted to get a ring for taylor. and she was so NEGATIVE.! she was like "that's stupid, youre just getting your hopes up. if he wanted to be with you he would be." "woah, way to be negative" "i'm just telling the truth. breaks are stupid, i waited a month for anthony, and he assumed we were already broken up." "well, he was stupid" and in my head, i was thinking.. that was her first, and only serious boyfriend. i was so pissed, and it just ... bugged me.

Whatever.. i dont even want to think about that.
I CANT WAIT TIL TOMORROW NIGHT!
it's gonna 1. be so much fun, 2. imma be a lesbian and 3. i get to FINALLY see taylor. i just want to hug him to death!

i hope ill look pretty enough tomorrow. lol.
my dress is sequence, so imma SHINE! lol. i feel like a hilary duff wannabe though.. lol. OH! i also bought new flats.. to go with my dress of course.

--
A girl from my school died on New Years... When I was in peer tutoring, she was in that class. She got stabbed just down the street from where I live. It's a horrible thing to imagine. She was only fourteen. R.I.P. Stefanie.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16226159/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16226159/ Wed, 02 Jan 2008 17:29:43 PST
I'm going to Taylor's show on friday. I'm glad I'll be able to see him. It feels like it's been forever.

ill update later. PEACE.

[E]:
So.. I only did dishes.. lol. I wanna clean, but I have no motivation, and this house is so gross I don't even know where to begin.. well, it's not as bad as it usually is.. it's just... mopping. I don't want to mop. The kids rooms floors are fisgusting. Andrea stupidly lets them eat in there sometimes. I took like 4 bowls and a few cups outta there. one of the bowls had cereal stuck to the friggin bowl/spoon, and when i did dishes I couldn't get 'em to come clean. ahhh,... kids.

I haven't been eating properly lately... yesterday I ate chips, drank lots of coffee, a whole pot actually. lol. Then late at night I had zoodles with buttered bread. Today, I didn't eat until like.. 5 30, i had two bagels and a coffee, and now i'm eating chips with salsa. Maybe the way I've been sleeping is what's messing me up. I've been sleeping the day away lately. Something I've realized about not smoking pot, is believe it or not, I sleep better/more. If I were to smoke a joint before bed, I think I'm more alert in the morning, cause I could wake up at 8 30 even if I smoked a joint at 2 in the morning or somethign... Now, I'm pretty alert, but I can go right back to sleep. lol. kinda bad though, cause if my phone alarm goes off, i so EASILY turn it off and go right back to bed. lol. I can't wait til spring/summer, everything seems so much happier.. winter is so depressing. Even school is better in the summer, just cause y'know you can go outside when it's nice out after your morning classes or whatever.

There's an idea! I shall draw something!
i'm mad, my scanner isn't plugged in or whatever, so I can't put up all the pics i've drawn within the past little while. Iunno if I mentioned this in any previous journals, but I got charcoal pencils in my stocking.. and they're awesome. cause even if you draw somethign crappy, it still looks alright just cause you used charcoal lol.


I'm in a writing/ranting mood lately.... probably cause I have nothing better to do.. nowhere to go. Not that I wanna go anywhere, I avoid going outside cause i hate the cold. but i got new boots so i should show 'em off.

IM GONNA BE A LESBIAN ON FRIDAY.
muahahhaa..
Taylor's friend kristen might be coming to the show, and she's into girls lol... and while taylors on stage immma get it onnnnnnnn with her. and i'll be drinking sambuca, which gets me real horny, so who knows what i'll do!!! lol.
i'm so excited.
and i'm stealing Andrea's camera, so imma take lots of pictures of taylor performing, and me gettin' my groooove on. lol.

hmm.. I wonder what I should draw.
I can never come up with any ideas of my own, i always go on the internet to find somethign to work from. or whatever.

hmm.. i wonder what i should wear on friday.. I wanna wear my new boots with whatever i'm wearing, but i think they'll kill my feet.. i should just be safe and wear my sneakers lol.

I NEED TO STOP RANTING! PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16172690/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16172690/ Sun, 30 Dec 2007 20:11:39 PST
I honestly am almost at the point where I want to give up, just to make them happy. Iunno, if they don't approve of me, that's a big deal to me..

I can't stop crying.I've probably cried 20 times today,maybe more, and if I'm not crying, I'm tearing up. I hate feeling this way.

I feel fucking empty inside. That is a horrible fucking feeling. I want to go and jump off a fucking bridge, or jump in front of a goddamn train. apparently a train works.

I have to go see my dad tomorrow, and he always says "How's Taylor doing?"
i'm probably gonna fucking bawl and I don't want to. I dont want to talk to my dad about this. He's pissing me off.

I was gonna write a poem, I have ten lines. It's a shitty poem though. Whatever.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16149563/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16149563/ Sat, 29 Dec 2007 08:32:07 PST he's fucking eighteen.
i am so pissed.
that's fucking retarded.
he's a fucking legal adult first of all, he shouldn't be pushed around by his mother.
HA! just before he called, my sister was like "if he can clean, he can move in"
HA
i wish.

she was sitting right there too, i could hear her in the background.
THIS IS SO FUCKED.

i don't understand why he puts up with this shit.
he needs to fucking stand up for himself.

if i were in his position, i myself, would be going fucking bonkers if i had to put up with that bullshit.

i understand he shouldn't have lied.. OBVIOUSLY.
it was a stupid mistake.
i regret it.
he probably does too, obviously.

AHHH
i'm going psychotic.
and i'm gonna go shopping, and probably go psycho and pearce will get to witness it.

FUCK/

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16145945/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16145945/ Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:56:37 PST i convinced taylor to come over.
he lied to his mom so he could come.
we assume his mom called his dads house and left a message.
they both started calling here.
ahhhhhhhh
he's in so much shit, and i don't care what he says, its 60% my fault.
i didn't have to convince him to come.
i even practically told him to make something up.

i'm so stupid.
ever since he's been dating me, he has lied to his parents numerous times.. etc. etc.

his mom probably hates me EVEN MORE than before, and i thought before was bad. i still haven't even met her. and i don't plan on it, especially not any time sooooooon. she'll murder me.

so, his mom told him to cab it home. i gave him 20 bucks, it's the least i could do right? she sounded really mad.
so did his dad, but his dad, still... as always, sounded more understanding.. not understanding.. but, iunno... i am just so mad at myself.

he was grounded to begin with. he told me he wasn't gonna be able to do anythign on new years, now it's gonna be even fucking worse. i'm not even worried about seeing him, im just worrying about what's gonna happen when he gets home, and how he's gonna be punished.. god i hope nothing bad happens.

i was actually shakkkkkkkkking when he was talking to his parents. i was so f'in nervous. i was scared for my life.
his parents probably friggin hate me.

in a way, i understand his parents.. but in a way.. i don't. he's eighteen.. basically an adult. capable of making his own decisions. he doesn't have to be babied. but... i guess i can't say anything.. ugh iunno, i feel like i'm messing up his whole life. or that i'm going to.. or something.

fuck it, i'm going to bed and never waking up.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16111612/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16111612/ Wed, 26 Dec 2007 15:43:02 PST --

I seriously have never had this much passion towards a person.. if that makes sense. lol.
I am SO headoverheels for him. My mind is spinning!
he makes me smile non-stop! i can't help but giggle everytime he kisses me on the cheek, or says something silly in my ear.

I thought during this winter break we'd spend every waking moment with each other, buttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt that isn't happening. lol.

we're going on a double date with pearce and his best friend jeff on saturday. it's gonna be so weird. not for me and taylor, but for the other two lol.

I got some charcoal pencils in my stalking, and ive drawn ... like 4 pictures.. they're pretty good... still amateur, but pretty good for a beginner

I have to read a whole goddamn book. I reallllllllllly am not motivated. I'd rather play guitar hero I beat medium today. XD

I REALLY NEED TO SEE TAYLOR RIGHT NOW!!! AHHH!
i'm going through taylor withdrawal. I've never missed him as much as I do now. I have this huge urge just to run up to him and kiss him so passionately! like i've never kissed him before! lol

I hope he calls me sooooooooontime. I just wanna hear his voice.
I actuallllllllly have like.. that nervous butterfly feeling in my tummy that's how much i miss him!
AHHHH!



--
I'll try to sleep to keep you in my dreams so I can bring you home with me. And I'll try to sleep.. and keep you in my dreams.
--
I'll be reaching for the stars with you, honey. Who cares, no one else believes.. yeah we won.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16059309/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16059309/ Sun, 23 Dec 2007 13:26:30 PST it surprisingly smells good. lol. andrea/dj/kids got me GUITAR HERO III!
i'm so excited to play it, but i dont have my ps2 here.
kyle gave me fifty bucks.
my mom got me exclamation perfume [that's a given lol] and my sister kris got me a hair straightener!
i seriously got what i wanted this xmas. and it's not even christmas morning yet! i need to go shopping for boots. ahh..

--
Lately my sister andrea has been pissing me off. Ever since she's been dating this guy Rex, she seriously... is not my sister anymore. She's a complete bitch. She drinks way more than she did before. He's really a bad influence.
And he's a creep. he stares at me sometimes. One time i was sitting at the computer and he was standing behind my chair, and i was wearing a mickeymouse shirt and he said something about my chest.. can't remember exactly what he said, but he said somethign about my boobs, meaning he was looking. and i really hate that. Even taylor notices that he's a creep. apparently when taylor like.. snapped my underwear, rex looked at him with this perverted look or whatever. ughhh..
Taylor has been having a rough time too, won't get into details, but I feel really bad and I feel like it's all my fault. but in a way it's not, but..........ah don't want to explain.
Last night we went to see Lev's band.. they were really good. it was just me and taylor, but then we ran into rachel, kyra, and layla. but we left shortly after.
I had an amazing time last night!
Ah! and this afternoon was amazing too!

Man.. i have to read a whole book over the break.. I should get started today.. but I think I might waste some time doing nothing before I go and do that. I might go test my straightener out. lol.

What's up with errbody out there?

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16004815/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/16004815/ Wed, 19 Dec 2007 18:15:32 PST and some chick had to start a whole bunch of bullshit.

Feel free to read, it's fucking longgggggggggggggggggg.... lol
I just want it here as a reminder. :
-------------
Danielle Turner wrote
at 11:22pm yesterday
ROTMFFL!!! PENIS PENIS PENIS!! YES KAYLEE ALL SORTS OF PENIS: iI LUV IT TOO!! LMAO!!
Message

Ashley Campbell-Conn wrote
at 8:54am
WOW...NOT Cool for a 3 year old 2 be running around saying PENIS.Im VERY DISGUSTED PPL think thats funny. Kaylee is 2 sweet 2 be talking so trashy.Hopefully she doesnt use this word in school or public. Now wouldnt that inpress the public. Not being rude Andrea just dont thinks its funny or acceptable in the least
Message

Andrea Singleton wrote
at 1:53pm
No your right it isnt funny.. But I didnt post this!! Kids say the darndest things!! She is facinated thats all. She doesnt have one!!
Delete

Danielle Turner wrote
at 2:03pm
WOOOOOOOOOOOOW!! Andrea....it's amazing how DISGUSTINGLY INTRUSIVE SOME PPL can be huh!! I guess some ppl's live's are just that boring and unsatifiying that they need to meddle in others!
**shakes head** HOW PITTIFUL!
Not being rude just don't think that's acceptable!! *winks*
Message

Ashley Campbell-Conn wrote
at 2:38pm
Intrusive First of all DANIELLE....this commemt wasnt for u it was for Andrea. So mind ur Bussiness...and stop INTURDING in MY CONVERSATION with the Mother of the il girl on this video. I've been a part of this family for well over ten years and if i feel to make a comment to Andrea and she replys without being a BITCH then maybe u should rethink ur LIL COMMENT ANd realize it wasnt for u.I guess u where raised different then I and u think this is acceptable. AS a mother i understand kids say silly things...Ya kool. Just looks not so kool on the net that all. But DANIELLE u wouldnt understand ur not a mother. MInd ur bussiness when it comes to me writting other. And AS for my life being boring and unsatisfiying..U know FUCK al about me or my life so DONT TALK SHIT AND GROW THE FUCK UP>
Message

Andrea Singleton wrote
at 2:47pm
WOOOOOO!!!! Ok I have to comment on that one.. First off Ashey you always have something negative to say about everything I post or someone in my house posts.. If you don't have anything nice to say then keep it to yourself!!! As for you being part of the family.. I wont disagree with you, you are pretty close to the Campbell family.. BUT!!!! Danielle is my cousins lady and Luke lives in my house!!! Which in my eyes makes Danielle part of my family!!! She too is intitled to her opinion!!! She is here ALOT!!! Then you tell Danielle to mind her business. You should take your own advice and my your business.. Cause you seem to get in my business an awful lot!!! So From now on if you have nothing positive to say.. Don;t say anything!! THANK-YOU!!!
Delete

Danielle Turner wrote
at 3:05pm
Oooooooooooohh did I hit a hot spot Ashley??!! Well that was the point! Like u said about yours this comment wasn't for you it was for Andrea!Normally I would be very happy to mind my own business as I hate being brought in the middle of things however on this occasion I found it quite appropriate to do so since YOU PLASTER ALL SORTS OF GARBAGE ON ANDREA'S WALL, PHOTO'S ETC....AND THE ONLY ONE TALKING SHIT HERE IS U...SO...HERE'S A KLEENEX AND WIPE THE SHIT OFF YOUR FACE CUZ UR COVERED I IT!!!



***DON'T DISH OUT WHAT U CAN'T TAKE BACK***
oh and this has nothing to do with what Kaylee said it's all about you meddling in other ppl's business publicly! I've read everything cuz you made it all public! If you don't have something nice to say, speak to that person privately or get use to bitches like me that love giving it back.
Andrea doesn't deserve to be treated like this and somebody needed to say somehting so I took the initiative!
Message

Ashley Campbell-Conn wrote
at 3:11pm
I dont give a fuck if shes ur cuz lady or not shes been with him for a a few months and if that makes her family ...KOOL.Ya shes intotled 2 her opion but where the hell doe she get off saying i have a boring life and its unsatisfying.Replying 2 my comments and voicing her opion is kool but not JUDGING MY LIFE...Girlfriend knows NOTHING ABOUT ME OR MY LIFE> i just remember the ANDREA i met that didnt allow ppl to role WEED in there house...remember the judgement u passed when Ashley did that at 17...u thought it was horrible. But w... ]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15979087/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15979087/ Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:24:21 PST
I won't get into details.. Man.. I never get into details anymore with these journals.. it seems that way anyhow.

BUT!!
funniest thing ever:

Taylor talks, snores, and does stupid shit in his sleep. In the middle of the night, he was like... poking me in the neck. In my head I was just like "what the fuck is he doing?"haha
The next morning, he said he had a dream he was in an elevator trying to push "2". His hand even looked liek he was pushing an elevator button by using his thumb...hahahahaahhha
meh, funny experience for me, you had to experience it yourself to think it's funny. hahaahah

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15908778/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15908778/ Wed, 12 Dec 2007 19:22:01 PST I won't get into details, but it was soooooooooooo sweet. I am possibly the luckiest person alive.
I seriously like.. lived every girls DREAM!

Taylor is being so generous.. he bought us tickets to go see Three Days Grace! and SEETHER is playing with them. and some other band, but SEETHER IS PLaYING! ahhhhhhhh i'm so exciteddddd! He needs to stop spoiling me. He won't admit he is, but he is.

Wow.. the concert is gonna be friggin amazing. Ahh! I'm going to have a bath and then i am going to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

I LOVE YOU TAYLOR (L).

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15881391/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15881391/ Mon, 10 Dec 2007 17:58:31 PST After third, Katrina came to my school, to meet Taylor. lol. I'm sure he wasn't very impressed, but whatever.

We were walking along the Danforth. And guess who we run in to.. JUST GUESS...

My father.

So.. Taylor had to meet him while he's sick. I really did not want that at all.

They were bonding over army stuff.. I went to see my mom after, and I asked her if dad was in the army. and she said he wasn't. Mike was. not him.

I KNEW something was wrong. ugh....
it was so embarassing. his hair was all messed up, he was wearing a goddamn tie with a jean jacket. he had a stupid suitcase with him. so embarassing...

Near the end of the whole thing, he said "send andee my love" and EVEN TAYLOR noticed the weirdness in his voice when he said it.
and when he said it, he had this weird look on his face, and he was looking at me, he started giggling.. and it sounded like he said "and whoever else".
It was like he knew it was wrong of him to say that.. but didn't at the same time.
Its so weird. i don't understand how they give him priviledges to be out of the hospital, when he really doesn't need it. He just needs to get better. This is so annoying.

whatevs, i have to study. peace.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15831149/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15831149/ Fri, 07 Dec 2007 07:28:28 PST --

A Bright Light-

You're the light that brightens my day,
The one who shines through all my troubles.
Your eyes glow when they gaze into mine..
Constantly in a trance...

Baby, you amaze me,
The way you passionately kiss my lips...
and every inch of my body.

When I'm feeling low,
tears streaming down my cheeks...
You always kiss them away,
and show me how uch you care.

You're close to me, I'm close to you.
Laying inbed, just listening to you breathe...
Reminds me of that time at the docks,
When you told me all your thoughts...
Every word, every kiss.. so sacred.

That last agonizing inch,
Astounding yet excruciating.
Finally our lips touch
and the world stops.
We're in our own world now,
So hold me tight... just be mine.
--

^^poem i gave to taylor (L).

I think he really liked it. lol.

So yesterday, taylor said we should end the stupid break. So.. all along I was right.... we should've done what I suggested.. basically be together, but just give each other a little space.. to sort things out.

Man.. I am always right. lol.

ill update later

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15808752/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15808752/ Wed, 05 Dec 2007 14:34:48 PST
So yeah, I need to be more independant. And since this whole thing is depressing me, I'm going to fight the depression by not moping around the house. I am going to actually do my homework. I am NOT going to turn to weed. Day 3, going strong.

Not smoking pot will help me a lot. Taylor said that when he's telling me a story, or whatever... I tend to go into my own little world. I hate to admit it, but it's true.. and it's not like I do it on purpose. I don't want to actually BLAME it on smoking pot.. but pot does not help at all. I seriously think it 1.makes me spacey and 2. destroys my memory "capacity".

Hopefully if I completely stop smoking pot [which I intend on doing] it'll help me be more focused on things.. and such.

--
I really hope this break won't lead to a break up.. I don't know what I'd do.. I can't even imagine not being with him.. which is bad. I'm too attached. I need to stop being SO attached. I hope with all my heart that it'll all work out.

I've been working on a poem for Taylor.. I was gonna give it to him for christmas.. but I kinda want to give it to him tomorrow.. but I don't want him to get the wrong impression. He might think I'm giving up.. or whatever.. cause its true.. kinda.. cause I want to give it to him in case it all doesn't work out. It basically tells him how I feel about him. But if I do give it to him soontime, he might think I'm using it as a... not bribe.. i can't explain it. but i don't want him to think of it as a way to feel "sorry" for me. ugh it's hard to explain but I just want to give it to him. . no strings attached.

I don't really understand breaks.. seriously. Cause.. during last [i skipped] and we talked about it.. then while we were walking to the subway station, we were holding hands. I figure if you're on a break, you shouldnt hold hands, kiss.. whatever.. it defeats the purpose of being on a break.
anyway, while we were walking to the station, i said "don't make this awkward, okay?" basically anyway..
but then when we got downstairs, i just pecked him.. and i was gonna walk away.. but then i hugged him.. then i was like "uh.. call me ifyou want" and then i went to give him props.
so IIIII made it awkward. I didnt' mean to.. but..............this is so frustrating.

I hate to mope, but this is just depressing. but i'm hoping this will be motivation to succeed in all my goals.

A lot of crap has been happening.. family problems and such.. it still is happening. but before, i had taylor to rely on or whatever. i'm hoping now that we're on a break, if i can deal with all this crap by myself. i can do ANYTHING. i will be so proud of myself if i can do this.

the whole not smoking pot thing is purely for myself. i wanna say it's for taylor, but it's not. it's for my own good. he just helped me realize how stupid it is to do it. to rely on it.. it really is stupid.

No more ranting for me, I'm gonna do my careers, have a shower, finish the poem, and hopefully start doing my english. i was gonna do it during the break, but i'm going to do it NOW!!
see?i'm improving already.

--
<sub>So what if I want to kiss
>From your toes up to your lips.

Just cause I can't go on
Just cause I die when you're gone
Just cause I think of you in bed
Don't let it go to your head
If I looked in your eyes
One, two, too many times
And memorized every word you said
Don't let it go to your head</sub>


]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15770897/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15770897/ Sun, 02 Dec 2007 20:08:19 PST God saw you getting tired
And a cure was not to be
So He put His arms around you
And whispered 'Come with Me.'

With tearful eyes
We watched you suffer
And saw you fade away
Although we loved you dearly
We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating
Hard working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove
He only takes the best.

It's lonesome here without you
We miss you more each day
Life doesn't seem the same
Since you've gone away.

When days are sad and lonely
And everything goes wrong
We seem to hear you whisper
'Cheer up and carry on.'

Each time we see your picture
You seem to smile and say
'Don't cry, I'm in God's keeping
We'll meet again someday.'
--

This is the poem that was "recited" or whatever... at my gran's memorial. It's a shame that my dad couldn't go.. but I guess in a way, that's a good thing.
I saw him afterwards, and read him the poem aloud. We both started crying. at the memorial i cried like a baby. gasping for air and everything....

Before the whole memorial thing, I was at my gran's house........ Kinda bad.. I took her watch. I saw it on her dresser. And i decided that was the one thing I wanted. I don't know how long she's had the watch, but she seemed to wear it all the time..
Maybe it can be her way of telling me time goes on.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15712107/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15712107/ Wed, 28 Nov 2007 18:36:02 PST mostly about relationships.. that one guy, he cared SO MUCH! ah.. whatevs.

Ew.. reading back on shit about Jamie just disgusts me.
"could've spent his birthday with him.. if i didn't screw up"
if.. i.. didn't screw up?

HA!
what a joke.
anyways, i was a fool for even being INTERESTED in that fag.

"i think i'll stick to being single until i meet a really nice guy."
TAYLOR (L).

seriously, i couldn't have been more lucky to find him instead of some fuckass.

But today was weird. dont' want to explain..
TOOTLES!

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15699105/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15699105/ Tue, 27 Nov 2007 19:31:01 PST
we were in the hall one day.. and there were quite a few people in the hall.. it was in between classes. and i started singing Hopelessly Devoted to You by Olivia Newton John. REALLY LOUD!
it was hilarious.

My science teacher got to witness it, even better. LOL.
and people in my class heard me too, and when i walked in Carmen was like "was that you singing?? HAAH"

ahh hilarious. it was more silly than embarassing.. but it was SOOOO MUCH FUN!!!

haha, anyway.

on a more serious note.. I went to visit my dad in the hospital today with Kyle.
i dont recall ever seeing him cry...
one of the first things he said to me was "Kimmy, I love you, you ARE my daughter. Barrie was a Fool!" [Barrie being my real dad]
and he was crying when he said it and he made me CRY!! ahh then me and kyle and him had a grouphug (L).


and other weird things happened, but i dont feel like typing it all outttt..

i REALLY need to finish that poem..!!!
for specific reasons which i do not wish to disclose here because it's a SECRET! lol

meh, i'm outtie.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15683393/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15683393/ Mon, 26 Nov 2007 17:39:33 PST
I told him how much we all need him right now, and it's not a good idea to be off his meds. I flat out said "Dad can you do me a favour, straighten up and take your meds, I would really appreciate it. I'm trying to focus on school and you're not helping cause I worry about you." etc. etc. and i told him gran's memorial is on saturday and me and kris didn't feel like going becuase of the way he's acting. i told him ididn't mean to be rude about it.. he understood. but he told me i gave him a lot to think about so he told me to call him back.

i told him that andrea and kyle would take him to a doctor if he wanted to. and i guess i convinced him because he's in the hospital now. he's stuck there for 3 days against his will because there are reasons that he should be there.

In between conversations with my dad, I called kyle. I told him what I said to dad, and he was really proud of me. he said "I don't even think IIII would've been able to do that. you're a young woman and you handled it well. i'm proud of you, you deserve a pat on the back for that" something along those lines. it almost made me cry.

for once, i feel like i accomplished something.
And i'm actually focusing on school for once. slowly, but surely. one thing at a time i guess..

i'm still not done my poem.. i dont feel like finishing it though.. meh, that's life.
oh yeah another thing, i dont know if my dad was imagining it, but he might've gotten married last night. he has a ring on and everything. ahhhhhhhhhh....

how is everybody out there?

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15648301/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15648301/ Sat, 24 Nov 2007 10:46:20 PST A lot.

School couldn't be anymore overwhelming.
Art-69 -------- peertutoring/gym-below a pass
careers-20---- math-45
photography-52--life drawing-52
english-66 report card, afterwards, like... 56------science-no idea, i think an A.. at least a B..

so yeah, as you can see i'm not doing good at all.

As for family stuff.. my gran's memorial is on December 2nd.
And.. I shouldn't talk about this over the internet.. but I don't care. My dad has schitzophrenia.. and my family and I are pretty sure hes off his meds. He left messages on Andreas machine [Schitzphrenia deviation]... and that just pissed me off. If he doesn't get his shit together for gran's memorial i'm gonna be fucking upset as hell.

So yeah, as it says in my deviation. I wish I understood Schitzphrenia. Why do they decide to go off their medication? and in the 2nd and last msgs he left, he knew he said stupid shit, and obviuosly it was the disease talking. If he knew he did that, wouldn't he clue iin and say "hey, maybe I should take my medication so I don't make myself look like a fucking idiot"

when hes sick he has this obsession over my sister Andrea. No idea why.. when I was like... 8 maybe, I think that was the last time he was sick, and Andrea lived at VP and Kingston Rd. I came over to babysit, and when she got home, me her and katelyn were watching a movie or something. and He comes banging on the door, and we knew he was sick, so we wouldn't let him in. but he wouldn't go away. he thought he was married to her. fucked up..
and now he thinks they're lovers.

I haven't talked to him since before he left the msgs.. which was sometime this past week.

The day after he left those msgs, he called again at one point and him and Andrea were talking. She said she would bring him to a doctor or the hospital if he asked her to. he said "i might just get you to do that" but he hasn't asked her to i dont think so.. iunno.

ANywayyyyyyy enough about that.
as for my love life, i could never be happier.
our one month was on thursday, but because he's such a busylittlefucker. we couldn't do anything together. but we made up for it last night and this morning. but he left about an hour or so ago. he was supposed to take me out to dinner tonight and spend the night, but he said he has to go to his dads. ughh.. meh.

i wanted to write a poem. i had an idea in mind. it would be called "A Bright Light". taylor is my bright light in life. sotospeak anyway..
meh.. if i can get the words out logically on paper, i will.lol.

tootles people.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15537071/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15537071/ Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:15:26 PST
In a way, I'm happy she didn't have to suffer any longer. But I love her so much, she was the only grandmother i ever had, she wasn't even my blood grandmother but she treated me as if I were her blood grandaughter. I wish I could've said goodbye.

I've been crying so much that I've given myself a headache.
I don't know what I'm going to do without her. Christmas is going to be really depressing.

My sister hasn't found out about this yet.. she's going to be devastated [sp?]. Gran was her other half.

--

I love you gran, very much. I hope you can see me from up there.. hope you're proud of me.. I'll miss you so much.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15516677/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15516677/ Thu, 15 Nov 2007 06:06:51 PST
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
doubt he was being serious, but i thought it was the cutest thing ever.

kinda random.. but i have NO idea what i am goign to do in life.
i think the whole teacher thing is just bullshit and i dont think it's going to happen.
i wanna do somethign that helps people though. like... a social worker or something. it's gotta be something like that.

it's only fucking thursday... this week is going by so goddamn slow.
im not going to art this morning... that will be twice now that i have skipped. but at least i have an legitimate reason. lol.

tomorrow is taylor's show at healeys. 19+ so i can't go. he wanted to sneak me in but i dont want to risk it. but whatevs. he's gonna come over after.

i wanna put black streaks in my hair. very thin streaks.
that'd be sick.

i have THEE worst cramps ever right now. i am going to die.
fuck men.. they don't have to go through this pain!
and they don't have to give birth!
ahh i am so dreading the day that comes. lol.

tootles.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15497852/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15497852/ Tue, 13 Nov 2007 18:20:47 PST I told Taylor something I have never told anyone.
I kept it to myself for like.. 10 years.
I don't know why, but I told him and not anyone else.

It's such a relief.
it was kinda weird saying it.
i can't believe i did it though.. i feel courageous. i am so proud of myself for being strong enough to tell someone.

we talked about other things too...
and since i was emotional, i was bawling, and i asked him to promise me that he'd come back after he goes to school in england.
he looked at me like i was a freak. i didn't mean as in a relationship, i just meant as a friend. i don't want to lose him. he is the one person i can truly talk to.. about anythign and everything.

stupid thing is, we haven't even been dating for a month yet... well, it would've been a month, but he's a dumbass who broke my heart.
but i feel like i've known him for ages!! i wish i met him years ago.
i probably couldve met him ages ago... he used to live near the olympic pool.. i used to go there all the time.
and he also lived near castle's park, which is right near norway.
hahaha.
man, such a small world.

i wish taylor wasn't gonna leave. but i can't stop him. so i guess ill just mope around until the day comes.


i love him very much. and i care about him SO MUCH!
ahhh..
words cannot explain.

i have a huge headache so immmmmmmmmmm off to bed. night people.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15445480/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15445480/ Sat, 10 Nov 2007 07:49:07 PST things have changed, and it feels good.

lol, that's all i'm going to say.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15407471/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15407471/ Wed, 07 Nov 2007 14:29:42 PST i got 20/20 on my careers letter/assignment thing.
that i was happy about.

english, i told my group i wasn't gonna do the minor essay, and they didn't seem to care. so that's good.

afterschool, i saw taylor and i knew something was up. he is apparently failing math, so he was all stressed out. then he used my phone to call someone. when he gets off he tells us he got accepted to Coventry.
which... is... in... england.
i really wish i coulda been more excited for him. but i couldn't.
once he told me i just felt really naucious and weak in the knees. i felt like i was going to faint.

he wanted to go get coffee to celebrate. i was going to.. but then i thought about it.. and i wouldn't have been able to hold my emotions in. come on.. Me.. celebrating.. him.. Leaving.
when i told him ijust wanted to go home, [i know im a bitch for not celebrating] but he was all like "well, me and jordan are going to have coffee and celebrate" in a real assholish way.
well i'm sorry if i care about him so much that i dont want to see him leave. even if he's my friend at the time of him leaving. i dont want to lose him.

the second me and pearce started to walk across the street i started crying. i probably would've went crazy if i had to sit and have coffee with him while he ranted about everything.

see.. before, i saw no ending. i wasn't worried about it ending. and now i am. i feel as though i might as well give up now. i feel like there's nothing to look forward to.

it's not completely certain that he's going.
he needs to have a good portfolio.
or he could decide to go somewhere else. but its the third best design school in the world. why would he pass up on that?

_{Once you're gone you can never come back when you're out of the blue and into the black.
-
I guess it's okay I puked the day away.}

today was supposed to be a relaxing day when i got home from school.
i have no homework i have to worry about.
i'm stressed out about my stupid lovelife.

goddamn i have to spend the whole day with him for the lifedrawing field trip. he's probably gonna wanna talk about it.
i dont want to cause ill just break down and cry until i cant cry no more! ahhhhhhh..

i wish i could've been happier for him.
i'm such a bitch.
i kinda just looked at him, smiled and pretended to be happy.
i wish i could've just pushed my stupid emotions aside for that moment. hugged him like a good person would. ughh..
i hate feeling this way.
i was gonna sell that gram of weed, but i'm probably gonna smoke it now that i'm depressed and shit.

_{wanna hear your voice outloud.. slow it down, slow it down..
without it all i'm choking on nothing.. it's clear in my head.. i'm screaming for something..
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all..
on my own.
im on my own.}

[E]
well... i dont have to use my weed, so i might get another ten buckson topa that lol

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15388036/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15388036/ Tue, 06 Nov 2007 19:43:06 PST All legs, knuckle, knees
Head's blown clean off
Your mouth's paid off
Fuck me 'til we know it's Unsafe
and we'll paint
over the Evidence
--

mymy, it's been awhile since i've updated my journal.
nothing going on really..
i'm doing better in school... kinda.
i'm almost done my english project, which i'm very proud of myself for that.

last friday was so amazing.
me and taylor went to the park and just sat there talking. it was nice. and saturday we went to go see a play that was pretty damn good.. even though we showed up late.
then he spent the night, and in the morning he made breakfast for everyone. his eggs were DELICIOUS. he put cheese in 'em. (L). yum.

things at home aren't very good. andrea and dj are having issues. hopefully they'll figure everything out.

Last night i was thinking.. and it's amazing... how, if it's daylight out.. people STILL have lights on in the house. almost as if they can't see anything.
but if there was a blackout.. you could see a lot better with the TINIEST light possible.

iunno if it's just me, but i find that pretty ridiculous.



[E]
i just realized.. that.. if taylor didn't break up with me.. it woulda been a month today. in a way it's still a good date. it's a month past when everything started. ahhh its only been a month. it feels like a lot longer. not in a bad way.

ahhh i hate when you love someone but you don't know waht that love means! all i know is that it's good.

grah, i need to go to bed.

...
_{sometimes i feel like we've lost that spark. surprise me.}

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15264729/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15264729/ Sun, 28 Oct 2007 20:48:04 PDT it was taylors birthday party, and it shoulda been a good day.

he was upset cause it turned into a bong show.
i felt so bad.

then when we left to go to mcdonalds, he wanted me to talk to him about something. and i did, that sucked. timing was horrible. and quincy was stuck inside with people she didnt know.
ditch.

then my sister called me and was mad at me for being out so late, but now that i'm home she didnt spazz or anything, so i'm past that.

then we were at the bus stop, and i didn't want to leave quincy.
but she kept telling me to go with taylor and i kept saying no.
i was so worried about quincy, that she actualyl had to REMIND me that it was taylors birthday party. she told me to be with him cause it's his birthday party. and i was a jerk to taylor.
when i get pissed off, i'm bitchy to everyone.

then on the subway, i was just really pissed off, and taylor wouldn't leave me alone. i actually felt like i was going crazy.
the woosah thing really works.. i've discovered.
i was such a bitch.
im actually a horrible person altogether. taylors best friend probably thinks im a lunatic.

i cant seem to please everyone.
my friends are always the third wheel.
and if i try to stop that, that means practically ignoring taylor.

i dont understand why my friends cant just deal with it.
i see groups of friends all the time. and 80% of them always have one couple, and it looks like no one seems to care.

life is so fucking complicated.
tomorrows gonna suck!
goodnight folks.

]]> ~luminescent-rose http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15239445/ http://luminescent-rose.deviantart.com/journal/15239445/ Sat, 27 Oct 2007 06:50:28 PDT
shitty dance, i must say.
but being with taylor was fun.

but there was one part where pearce was upset cause she didn't have anyone to dance with, so i made taylor dance with her.

then after the dance she had to tell me that she thought she liked him.. they were getting really "into" the dancing.

i'm glad she told me in a way, but that's jsut weirrrrrrrd. awkward..
ughh that's just gonna bug me.

taylor always brings up how he's most likely leaving to go to england.. i hate when he does that. and he always says how i'm attached. OBVIOUSLY i'm attached. but not as much as he thinks. i'm not attached enough to do everything in my power to stop him from leaving. i wish i could, but i can't. and i won't.

seriously, i hate being negative, but there is a chance that we won't be dating when/if he does leave. but even still.. it'd be nice to have a friend like him.

ughhhhh i hate thinking about all thissss.!
i just woke up and i'm thinking about it! this is horrible.

i need to go back to bed, i'm so tired.
but i have tons of homework to do so i can't.




ughhhhhhhhhh
PEACE.

]]> ~luminescent-rose