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        <title>deviantART: by:luvGod312</title>
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        <pubDate>Tue, 15 Dec 2009 10:53:56 PST</pubDate>        
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                <title>happy lyrics/poems thing</title>
                <link>http://luvGod312.deviantart.com/journal/6328332/</link>
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                <pubDate>Thu, 25 Aug 2005 19:45:30 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ awwww this made me cry when i read it. its pretty and touching. my best friend wrote it.... yay for depressed emo people.<br />
<br />
Wednesday, June 08, 2005<br />
 	<br />
<br />
I was hoping that this insanity of lying six feet down was just a dream<br />
<br />
I was praying that it wasnt real<br />
<br />
I was just thinking,<br />
<br />
I didnt mean to slit my throat<br />
<br />
But the blades just werent enough<br />
<br />
To overcome all the pain<br />
<br />
 <br />
<br />
You have to understand, every night I cried<br />
<br />
Every night leading up to this<br />
<br />
I barely lived through each day<br />
<br />
Its a miracle I made it as far as I did<br />
<br />
Im just feel bad you had to see me like this<br />
<br />
 <br />
<br />
I feel bad this is your memory of me<br />
<br />
That I had to give up<br />
<br />
It was selfish, I know that now<br />
<br />
A little too late I guess<br />
<br />
I never thought it would end up this way<br />
<br />
This time, I didnt think<br />
<br />
 <br />
<br />
Im sorry, I couldnt handle it anymore<br />
<br />
Please dont shed your tears on me<br />
<br />
Dont waste those drops of blood on me<br />
<br />
Dont think of me with a hateful grimace<br />
<br />
Try to remember those little times of goodness<br />
<br />
And I have to regret that those times were an act too<br />
<br />
But you dont know that<br />
<br />
You wont ever know that now<br />
<br />
 <br />
<br />
Please dont take this personally<br />
<br />
Id be back if I could<br />
<br />
Or would I go back to the life of lies?<br />
<br />
Decisions made now, time cannot change<br />
<br />
Please dont decide your fate to be the same<br />
<br />
More pain lies from sitting on this side<br />
<br />
 <br />
<br />
Now I can see what I have done to everyone<br />
<br />
Now I cannot live with pain, its done and over, forever<br />
<br />
Im not quite sure if this is heaven or hell,<br />
<br />
Seeing you all cry is hell in itself<br />
<br />
I could have called you right?<br />
<br />
You would have answered you phones?<br />
<br />
Why couldnt you have answered last night?<br />
<br />
I wasnt strong enough, and you werent there.<br />
<br />
Now you are here though.<br />
<br />
Too late.<br />
 	Posted 6/8/2005 at 12:45 PM ]]></description>
                <author>~luvGod312</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>trying not to start</title>
                <link>http://luvGod312.deviantart.com/journal/6046931/</link>
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                <pubDate>Wed, 27 Jul 2005 08:52:39 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ ya know what would be nice? if i had saved that convo with caleb about why i should not start cutting. it seems i neglected to save it. this is a bad thing. if anyone has insight on this matter, please contact me immediately.<br />
<br />
its funny, im not used to depression during the summer. mostly its during the first months of the calendar year. hmm. weird. ]]></description>
                <author>~luvGod312</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Email to a friend...</title>
                <link>http://luvGod312.deviantart.com/journal/3949065/</link>
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                <pubDate>Mon, 29 Nov 2004 15:50:57 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ Wow. You changed! What is this  happiness? Yay, Ashleigh! I'm glad to  hear you are so... excited about life  now.  That was a great talk, even Pete  listened. I was reading your additions  to Rach's quotes, and it's so amazing  how different your tone is, how  hopeful.  That's how I felt in, oh,  June.  The beginning of June.  During  final exams, which I took alone in the  guidance office cuz I was taking  classes at the community college in the  mornings.  Everything was changing.   School out for three precious months...  I used to love school, hate the boredom  of summer.  But, this year, how  AWESOME, how fantastic and inspiring  summer was.  I was always running,  running, never stopping, wide open  fields, warm sunshine, the best friends  in the world, and we never ran out of  things to talk about. I wasn't running  from anything, just to it - life, love,  joy, God! That was life, that was being  alive after the depression, the  suicidal thoughts that ruled me from  late January to the end of May,  increasing each day, never lightening.   I lived for nothing but art class, as  weird as it sounds, where I could work  without thinking, talk to my fellow  depressed, anti-Catholic, sometimes  Wiccan friend Cailin.  I lived to see  her.  If she hadn't been at MdS, if she  had died, if scheduling of classes had  put her in a different period of art  than I had, would I be here now? Will I  be here by this time next year? I fell  deeper and deeper into depression and  darkness and death once, I can feel it  now, and it's not bad yet.  I am not  thinking about suicide yet, but who  knows how long? God knows.  They say  it's so hard to live a Christian life,  but anything is easy when it becomes a  habit.  I've spent more than 21 days  praying to God constantly, it comes so  easily, so instinctively.  It's not  even a curse when I cry "God!" It's  become a prayer without blaming Him,  just a call for help.  I don't even  know what I believe anymore, but  can  converse about my faith and religion so  easily.  I'm rambling, but you know how  I feel, you know the pain the hurt the  death! I'm screaming inside, I'm crying  as I type this, God! Why?!? I told my  mom again last night, I'm dying inside,  since school started I can't live, it's  getting worse and worse and worse I'm  dying! No one will help! God! The only  people who believe me are my peers, my  friends, no adult I have talked to  recently or during the late  winter/early spring believed a word I  said to them about depression.  Yea, I  know, you can't diagnose yourself, but  I can tell a bad thing when I see it  and this is it. Am I living this lie so  well? It's habit, I swear I'm not  trying! I gave up trying a long time  ago. I NEED HELP! Can't anyone see? Why  don't they believe me?  You know how  much I hurt inside, apparently so do  many high-schoolers, based on the  reactions last night.  What do I do?  Where do I turn? I can't live with you  all, I have to exist with people with  can't see the real me.  Stephanie.  To  me, that name seems so artificial.  It  shows none of the darkness I feel  inside.  This house is dead too. Why do  I have to stay here and spend time with  my family instead of hanging out,  having fun with by buds you, Catherine,  Andrew, Matt.  No one talks to eash  other in any meaningful way, the only  conversations are pointless and  meaningless and noise! Are all the  other people content? Are they truly  oblivious to my pain, to the torment,  are they truly happy to exist in this  state of suspension, between life and  death, this hell! I say hell but it  can't be hell.  This is the pain of  purgatory.  Between life and death!  Andrew can philosophically explain the  logic of purgatory so eaasily, so  quickly I can agree that it fits my own  beliefs but what beliefs? I can  memorize as well, better than any  person on the street, who can say  what  I truly believe? Purgatory, the  cleansing, the purifying, must be hell  to tose who wait there.  This is how it  feels.  That awful, painful, hideously  excruciately lost lonely depressingly  isolated mediocrisy, that lukewarmness,  that aaaaah! Not oblivion, I would  welcome oblivions with rapture.  I  would die NOW if oblivion came after.  God! I'm dying! I don't know where to  turn, who to believe! Will it pass, am  I okay, is this week better as they all  tell me? It passed once, will it pass  again? Can I be that strong? Why? Help!  Ashleigh! Tell me something to keep me  with that hope you found last night!  I'm sorry, I 'm putting such a huge  burden on you so soon after you freed  yourself, but PRAY! I don't know much  anymore, but I know God exists and  knows everything, and hears prayers.  I  don't care who you tell, this is my  life I keep trying to let it out but no  one will accept it.  God help me! Look  at my signature on the email, even.   How artificial, meaningless, how  painful, how happy! God! Ashleigh!  Help!<br />
--<br />
Experience the Revelation... ]]></description>
                <author>~luvGod312</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Dying Inside</title>
                <link>http://luvGod312.deviantart.com/journal/3932470/</link>
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                <pubDate>Sat, 27 Nov 2004 14:49:27 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ Help... I'm dying and no one can see.    Drugs, drugs... ]]></description>
                <author>~luvGod312</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Maybe I should...  or NOT</title>
                <link>http://luvGod312.deviantart.com/journal/2650889/</link>
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                <pubDate>Sun, 13 Jun 2004 13:13:47 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ WHEEEEEE!!!!! OUT OF SCHOOL!!!!! Except  that haven't been able to sleep in or  relax or anything, and I won't be able  to until the third week of august....  and by that time school will be  starting again!!! Why must my life be  so busy that to others I seem to have a  social life?!?  Ha ha, just kidding, no  social life here.  Just lots of casual  acquaintances and planning teams and  committees and projects to no end.  Ah  well.  I guess I should find me some  art and post it here.  soon.  when I  find time.  or not. ]]></description>
                <author>~luvGod312</author>
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