http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:lyntess&section=today deviantART RSS for by:lyntess en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:07:25 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/27359637/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/27359637/ Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:35:46 PDT
"Sad? No, I don't think so," I said, giving him a quick peck on the lips before turning back to the stove. "Why do you say that?"

"You just seem a bit... off," he faltered. His hands wrapped gently around my shoulders and turned me back towards him. "You sure you're okay?"

"Well, yeah, I'm fine!" I insisted. "What do you mean?"

"I noticed you're a bit testy tonight."

"I'm testy every night!"

"...Worse than usual. I just wanted to make sure everything is okay."

I paused, thinking about it. "Oh! Well, I am PMSing, but I didn't realize I was being so testy."

He grinned with relief. "That's what I thought, but I didn't want to say it like that. Cuz... you know."

I burst out laughing. My diplomatic idiot husband! He's so cute and earnest and endearing. In a flash, my minor irritation dissolved and was replaced with chagrin. I took him in my arms and nibbled on his chin between giggles. We stood in the middle of the kitchen,feeling at once both mercifully understood... and understanding.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/27003699/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/27003699/ Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:27:41 PDT
Utterly worth the wait.

Thanks for all your support and good wishes during this process... it finally has paid off, and I'm so very very thankful. He's here... to stay!

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/26357351/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/26357351/ Mon, 03 Aug 2009 11:19:32 PDT
Tomorrow marks one week since my uncle finally allowed himself to succumb to the massive, brutal tumors in his abdomen, on his spinal cord, his brain stem, lymph nodes, just everywhere. Four months he fought tooth and nail against this foreign monster, while no doctors were able to identify the cancer, and tried test after test and treatment after treatment.

He survived bowel resection surgery, a chemically induced coma, weeks of chemotherapy, his spinal cord being snapped in two by the tumors, and pain... neverending, horrific, body-sapping pain. Not to mention the piercing heartache watching his wife mourn, lose her business, pour everything she had and more into fighting this... THING... with him and for him and in every way she could think of.

She never left his side. She kissed the Chapstick onto his lips when they were dry, and even from the depths of near-paralysis, he would pucker. Ever reaching for one more moment, one more touch, with his beloved. He refused to let go... until one day, she lay in his arms and whispered, "Bri... when you're gone, we will miss you horribly... but we'll be okay. I'll... be okay."

Almost immediately, he relaxed into a swift expiration. Unable to speak, stand, or even open his eyes for most of the time, he waited for death with a resigned peace. His parents and wife kept vigil constantly, assuring him over and over that he was loved. Finally, last Tuesday afternoon, Molly sent everyone away-- hospice, friends, family-- and curled up with him on the bed with her head on his chest.

She listened, tears flowing unchecked into her hair, as his heart slowed. One more beat, then nothing more. He inhaled once more-- and with that she gave him all of herself, all her energy and love and devotion and protection-- and as the breath escaped his lips for the last time, she absorbed all of him back into herself-- all his life and love and presence, all his energy, to have him with her forever.

It was over. He was out of pain... but the pain for all of us came as a shock to me, at least. We had known he was dying since we first got the diagnosis months earlier... but to know that he was actually gone was-- is-- somehow so much harder. There's always that strange, futile hope for a miracle, I suppose... until there's nothing left.

In the midst of all this, my own husband will be here to stay in about three weeks. I feel guilty, so horrifically guilty-- as though my happiness crowded out the ability for any other joy in the family. As though finally being able to have my own beloved meant Molly had to lose hers. I know that's foolish, I know it's selfish and crazy. But my heart just tears itself in two trying to reconcile this great loss and great gain, all at once.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/26151109/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/26151109/ Fri, 24 Jul 2009 12:55:33 PDT
I wonder if I can post pics in here...




Meh, we'll see if that works. If not, oh well. They're purdy! :-P

33 days!

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/26060691/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/26060691/ Mon, 20 Jul 2009 08:07:57 PDT
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. I pay $400 a month and nothing else. But at the same time, I have ONE room grudgingly set aside for my use, and I can't get anything done while they're here because my grandmother in particular DOES NOT SHUT UP. Ever. I'll be frantically trying to scoop together my things to go somewhere and she comes wandering out and strikes up a conversation-- asking what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I'm going to do about XYZ when I get there, and I just want to SCREAM. It's none of your damn business, LEAVE ME ALONE.

I have a ton of baking to do today, and I'd LOVE to start. But I can't, because whatever task I start with, I will be scrutinized and questioned and criticized and just INTERFERED with to a point that I can't stand it anymore. 150 cakeballs to make for FRIDAY and I have to sit here twiddling my thumbs! And by the time they finally leave for work, I will be so depressed and exhausted from worrying myself sick over this, I won't want to do anything but sit, watch Judge Judy, and eat whatever random bits of food I can find left in the house.

I need to get OUT of here. I need my husband here, and I need to get OUT.

Sorry for the bitch-session. I reaaaally needed to vent. "Well the bug guy is coming on MONDAY..." "Make sure you're ready, because the exterminator comes on MONDAY..." "Monday the bug guy comes..." So I sent a text last night: "What time does the bug guy come tomorrow?" and she didn't know. Then this morning she tells me, "Oh, and by the way, he comes on the 21st. Tomorrow." I said, "You told me MONDAY, though.." and she said, "Well I don't remember what I SAID, but it's marked the 21st."

Ugh I just wanted to scream. It seems so trivial when I type it out. And it probably is. BUT WTF. SERIOUSLY. Don't get all fucking high and mighty with me about what you REMEMBER saying when I have comparatively photographic memory. Seriously. Ugh.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25977033/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25977033/ Thu, 16 Jul 2009 02:33:59 PDT The answer is YES.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25919288/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25919288/ Mon, 13 Jul 2009 11:57:04 PDT
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

Okay, I think I feel better now.
(No I don't)
(I won't feel better 'til I know)
(And it's good news)
(....yeah)

We had an awesome time on my brother's birthday. We went to a Chinese buffet, then saw Ice Age 3 at the mall, and finished it up with ice cream sundaes at Friendly's. It was seriously fun, and sooo stressfree. I hope he had as good a time as I did!

There is no food in the house. I've got condiments, and that's about it. I've eaten almonds, green apple Twizzlers and shortbread cookies for the last three days. I HAVE TO GO SHOPPING.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25702777/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25702777/ Thu, 02 Jul 2009 19:38:21 PDT
I sent him a chunk of money via paypal (didn't even get charged fees to do that, either, because the transaction was classified as personal:living expenses! The exchange rate was a bit below premium, but that's no biggee compared to the fees we would have paid with moneygram or Western Union), and that took a load off his mind. Totally worth it, even though I'm fairly certain most of that will be coming back to the States when he comes, too.

We are now less than two weeks away from knowing for sure whether we can finally be together. TWO WEEKS. Do you know how much I'm losing my mind?? The conflict of emotions is staggering. These two final weeks are going to be... HELL.

Happy early birthday to my brother, who barely gets on here now that he's found a game-creation site to play on. I feel bad about my visa news coming up so close to his day and celebration (9th is his b-day, 15th is when we're celebrating; 16th is when we find out). He always gets short-changed on attention and shit, between me and my mother. Bleh. I hope I can help make this birthday really good for him, somehow.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25421944/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25421944/ Fri, 19 Jun 2009 18:46:47 PDT
Now he's worried about money. Stressing like crazy over the expenses that he'll incur going to the medical-- he started talking about going to another country for it, but won't go to the doctor for his increasingly bad depression because that might ring warning bells at the embassy. WTF!?

I wish so much we were rich and famous. We'd be together, nobody would question our RIGHT to be together, and money wouldn't be this massive issue.

By the time we pay all the fees and travel expenses to finally get him here, it looks like essentially we'll be penniless. Two years of going through all of this separately because we didn't have the money to survive with one of us not working-- and now we don't have the money to be together? What the fucking HELL.

And he's a massive hypocrite, because a year or so ago when I was the one freaking out about money, he just kept saying everythng was fine. When I said we didn't have the money to go on that wretched, awful, STUPID cruise because we needed to save our funds for immigration, he insisted we'd be fine.

Guess what.
Not so fine.

And he appears to think it's perfectly fine for him to throw the most pathetic childish fits about every little thing and accuse me of not supporting him when I say we have more important things to do. I want to scream. We're so close-- 27 days close-- and he's pissing and moaning because his jackass younger brother didn't save him a can of beer. WHAT!? Ugh.

Sure, drive hundreds of miles to see your old cruise roommate. Take another woman along on your trip to London to get the medical ("because she wants to go shopping"). Booze it up with your thoughtless sibling. Take loads of time off to visit your parents instead of getting the paperwork done properly, and set us back by several months.

And then accuse ME of not being fucking supportive.

Why the hell can't something be easy for once?

(How funny. The mood selection isn't available today. Great. Yeah, I'm "eager" alright. Eager for something to go RIGHT.)

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25317712/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/25317712/ Sun, 14 Jun 2009 21:11:46 PDT
He finally got his immigration interview! We got notice via email that it's been booked for July 16th-- 31 days away. Can we say FUCKING STOKED!!!

Since then, he's turned completely around. Throwing himself happily into preparations to come over, even to the point of taking a chance and booking a flight!! August 26th, which we hope will give us plenty of time to get everything sorted even if for some stupid reason there is a problem on the 16th. He's booked the medical for the end of this month (June 28th), and has looked into quotes for shipping his stuff over.

But not just his attitude towards busywork and life in general has changed-- he's so much more loving and understanding, and sensitive to the messages I send him, both verbal and nonverbal. He called me the other night because he UNDERSTOOD by the tone of a text I sent him that I was disappointed-- called me! Without being begged! And we had a great conversation!

I lie in bed each night, grinning into the darkness-- knowing that no matter how lonely the last two years have been, it NEVER has to be like that again. In 31 days, we'll know-- and with luck, in 72 days, he will be here to stay. We'll cuddle up together and take a nap, exhausted so thoroughly by our ridiculously long journey to reach that point, but when we awaken together... oh, I can't even put into words the fierce joy and thankfulness that floods me just at the THOUGHT.

It's been so bleak and dreary for so long, I had almost given up on having this insane glow back again-- the feeling of being in love and being loved back, and able to celebrate that! I'm so thankful.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/24822276/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/24822276/ Mon, 18 May 2009 13:10:42 PDT
Cakeballs are going like crazy. I've made nearly $800 selling them now, and am starting to actually make some profit instead of break almost even. Go me! My flavour list has expanded to more than 25, and so far the banana is the biggest hit. The wedding cakeballs (250 for $120... I undercharged a bit, but that's okay. Lesson learned.) have been shipped and should be arriving at their destination today. I'm frrrreaking out as to whether they'll be perfect and intact and everything. ACK.

Cancer sucks. Brian is fighting so hard... and his wife finally asked him, when he was refusing to go to the hospital for the latest problem (a massive skin infection), whether he was ready to just... stop fighting. *sigh* It will come. None of us are ready, but we will all respect it without question. I would have put a bullet in my brain at the start of all this. I am so sad... and so afraid, every second of every day, that my husband will be snatched away like Molly's is from her. No amount of love or determination can thwart life-- or death-- itself. And that is frightening.

Anyways.

Still waiting for immigration. This fucking sucks so hard. So much wasted time. So many stupid cakeballs. Blah.

New list.

Chocolate
Vanilla
Strawberry
Banana
Banana Nut
Pumpkin
Carrot Cake
Red Velvet
Lemon
Cherry
Pineapple
Raspberry
Butterscotch
Coconut
Orange Cream
Coffee
Mocha
Chocolate Mint
Chocolate Peanut Butter
Vegan Chocolate Chip
Irish Creme
Rum
Rootbeer Float
Black Forest
Funfetti
Strawberry Lemonade (omg so good)

Wasn't that fun.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/24348817/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/24348817/ Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:14:29 PDT
The place where I buy my candy boxes and shipping supplies had a bridal workshop yesterday, and I was invited to present my cakeballs. I talked about them for about ten minutes, and had plenty of samples for people to take home as well. They were very well received... no orders yet, but we'll see how it goes.

I got a call back from Sue, the woman whose relative is getting married. She had ordered a sampler box sent to them for tasting, and HOT DAMN. Not only do they want them for the wedding (details of which have not been related quite yet), they are ordering another 40 for a shower this Sunday! Scramble scramble. :-P Silly people, ordering at the last minute-- but hey, for a $300 potential order, I can totally work it out.

I now have more than a dozen different flavours that I'm doing regularly-- and they're all really tasty so far. I want to try a chocolate banana, soon, and definitely something with fresh strawberries, later in the season. Strawberry lemonade or something. Mmm! Just started doing Black Forest (choc and cherries), but it needs some more tweaking. I've had requests for rum flavoured ones, and bought some rum flavouring to play with, and I haven't tried coconut or pineapple yet (mostly because I hate all three of those flavours :-P).

Here's a quick list of what I'm doing regularly right now (and incidentally, pretty much all of these are represented in my freezer, currently).

Vanilla
Chocolate
Mocha
Coffee
Orange Cream
Lemon
Strawberry
Carrot Cake/Spice
Irish Creme
German Chocolate
Chocolate Peanut Butter
Red Velvet
Chocolate Mint

My favourites are the Chocolate Mint, Peanut Butter, and Carrot Cake. Crowd pleasers seem to be the Red Velvet, especially, and the German Chocolate for sure.

Hooray!

Still no visa news. Chris screwed up the final piece of paperwork, and we're working to rectify that now. *sigh* Year and a half, people. Fucking ridiculous.

And my tax return is over $1500 this year, with state and federal combined. Woo! That extra $40/week I put aside in each really pays off, I don't care what people say about "interest free loans" to the government. The bottom line is, I WOULDN'T save that money if I had it.

And I've lost about 15 pounds since starting the Prozac. Backslid a bit in the past week or so, but that didn't add as much weight as I thought it would... so I am reinspired to keep working hard. That was seriously the lift I needed-- I was so sure the scale was going to be right back where it'd started!

Sigh. Relationship with hubby is a lot better lately. We're both working hard to just... I don't know, appreciate and understand each other better, I think. My uncle (45 years old) was diagnosed with "some kind" of cancer three weeks ago today... they still don't know exactly what type it is, but the shock waves it's sent through our whole family has really made us all do a lot of changing, a lot of growing, a lot of understanding in a short period of time. I love my uncle, and while I am heartbroken and so worried for him, I do accept the circumstances. We all have to face tragedy... we all have to face death, and there's nothing we can do about that. Except love each other every day, and be grateful for that love and support. We're so lucky... so lucky.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23782478/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23782478/ Thu, 19 Mar 2009 15:23:36 PDT

I also made some brilliant connections at iparty-- they took a few copies of my flyer and sampled my goods extensively-- and RAVED about them. :-D I may swing by there tomorrow as well, since I want to go into that plaza anyways for more cake mixes and icing. Ha! So exciting!

I'm posting a special brochure up (with special pricing JUST for you online folks!) as a deviation-- for anyone who wants to buy any through me, here. Contact me for more info.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23681402/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23681402/ Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:48:15 PDT
"I practiced being a wife today,
Tied tight my apron strings..."

Yeah, anyways.
HA!
I made some delicious miniature chocolate cheesecakes and a pan of chicken florentine lasagna, both new recipes I'd never tried before. I found them in some cookbooks at work and copied them down-- how dastardly, right? Hah. I love using new recipes, and then trying them again later with a few tweaks.

The kitchen is clean, the dishes are washed, the fridge is organized... even the laundry is going. I was a proper tidy little susy homemaker today. And I loved it... I loved it so much. I can't wait until my husband is here-- I can't wait to work together with him.

He's made some key changes lately that have made a world of difference to me. He explained some of his behavoirs and changed some of them, as well, and I can't even tell you-- or him-- how much it's meant to me. I'm really pleased that he is trying so hard-- and it makes me want to try harder, too.

We're so close to the visa being through, now, and I think we are both really excited for that to happen. I'm so thankful we've made it so far... truly. It's been shitty a LOT of the time, partly his fault and partly mine. But we've learned incredible amounts about each other, and I am very grateful for that.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23496663/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23496663/ Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:08:12 PST
I was on the run from some people that had killed and/or captured my husband and children. I don't know why they were after me, but I was running from them, and found myself among some horse-drawn carriages. A dark, well-mannered gentleman pulled back the curtain and beckoned to me. "Inside, they won't find you.

I dove into the protection of his carriage, and although the guards looked suspiciously at the bulge in the curtain, the man shouted, "Drive on!" and we escaped.

We rode on in silence for a while, and I felt so grateful. Then I found myself riding behind him on a horse, through the forest. We had an entourage of other men on horses, almost like a band of outlaws but more like a quest or adventure sort of feeling. I became extremely aware of his body against mine, and my arms around his waist. I let my mind wander, listening to the neverending shuffling, jingling and thudding of the horses, and suddenly realized that my hands had wandered as well-- down his waist and onto his flaccid cock!

Though it was covered with his pants, I could feel its outline perfectly, and was enjoying prodding along its length immensely before I realized what I was doing. I stammered an apology and snatched my hands away, but the stranger took it easily, and just laughed. He made an offhand remark, and one of the other riders bantered back, and everyone chuckled. I laughed along, and said half-jokingly, "Hey, man, I'm a married woman-- I know my way around a cock!"

Our companions all laughed again, but I knew what I had said aroused and confused my dark stranger. I kept my hands folded lightly over his crotch for the remainder of the trip, until we arrived at a tavern in the evening.

At a dimly-lit table in the back, we sat alone, discussing our next move. The sizzle of attraction between us was excrutiating-- my whole body ached to be touched by him, and I couldn't forget the way his soft flesh had felt beneath my fingers that afternoon. His desire was plain, as well, but he tried valiantly to conceal it. He stood up to arrange accomodations for us, for the night, and paused just inches away from kissing me. My heart stopped, I held my breath-- but he just shook his head and walked to the bar, leaving me sitting, numb and silent, at the table.

Every night afterwards I have tried to go back to that dream, to finish it properly! :-P God, I can't wait for my husband to be here.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23372038/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23372038/ Mon, 23 Feb 2009 20:36:37 PST
Gah. I'm having one of those touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me sort of days. I'd give ANYthing (:-P) to be touched by a human right now. Just lying still, my skin tingles at the slightest movement, and yearns for something more. I want to close my eyes and surrender to unseen forces. I want to be rendered helpless and quivering. I don't care if you kill me afterwards, just touch me-- please, just touch me...

Ha. Worthless, shameless little cat in heat, am I! Just a touch? Please? No. Thrill me chill me fulfill me, creature of the night? Alas.

I feel dangerously lonely and morose. I've got a mini fridge full of alcohol, three solid days off from work, and more than half an inclination to use the time unwisely. Haha, Tess on a bender, can you imagine? I could close the door to my room, sit on the floor and just... hide away. Let my fantasies play out in my mind and giggle to myself as I knock back another Light Smirnoff Ice.

In the upper right corner of my mind's eye, there is a man at the piano. He plays a song from my childhood, a song from a record where the nicks and scratches are as much a part of the music as the notes. He is tall and thin, and impassive as I wrap my starving limbs around his trunk in a vain attempt to uproot him. Stolidly sitting, playing on and on, the same set of teasing, wistful notes. No kisses of mine can tilt his warm neck, no fingers can stir his passions as his music stirs mine.

But there he sits, and it's enough. Just play it for me, ethereal companion, one more time.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23171611/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/23171611/ Fri, 13 Feb 2009 10:10:28 PST
It contained:

A Valentine's Day card
A brief letter
About 20 resistors
2 capacitors
1 circuit chip keychain

:-|

The Valentine's Day card had "(and birthday soon after!)" written beneath the "Happy Valentine's Day" inside. The resistors, capacitors and circuit chip are for making jewelry on ebay. He was supposed to send them to me about a month ago.

I think I'll just wear them as lingerie. Reeeeeally teensy fucking lingerie. Thanks, Mr Romance. You have captured my heart.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/22787702/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/22787702/ Sat, 24 Jan 2009 17:44:10 PST
Anyhow.
Here's the poem:

I'm a little diet rock
As cute as I can be
And though I'm sweet to look at
I'm both fat and sugar free!
When you get up each morning
Lift me high into the air,
Then set me on the floor 10 times
Before sitting on a chair.
Please lay me on the table
Near the place you plan to eat
And remember that I'm watching
What you do and what you eat.
When you are serving up your plate
Please leave my section free,
And I'll reduce your calories
By the space you saved for me.
And after you have eaten,
Although I'm just a rock,
Please slip me in your pocket
And take me for a walk.
If you will do this faithfully,
Then in a month or two,
Though I will still be just the same,
You'll be a slimmer you!

I think that's utterly adorable, and a memorable way to build good habits without getting overwhelmed by diet plans and whatnot. And Lord knows, I NEED it. I have plenty of rocks to pick from, but at the moment I'm just sort of imagining it, until I find the right one. :-P I even went for a walk on my treadmill after dinner tonight! Hah. I rock. GET IT!? ROCK! Haaaaaahahaha! :-P

I'm also on a green tea kick. Drinking loads of it.
It's yummy. But I still don't have the blooming tea I ordered over a month ago. WTF.

Looks like Husband still won't be in the States for my birthday next month. I'm heartsick over this... it hurts every second. I'm so tired of feeling shredded. Anyhow, I told my family that I just couldn't bear to try and celebrate without him, and I'd prefer to just postpone it until he's here. Hopefully only 'til March, maybe April. God, I hope so. Bloody ridiculous procedure. I fucking hate the NVC... waited three months for them to contact us, finally emailed them asking what was going on, and they were like, "Oh yeah, we remember you guys! Um, go ahead with the next step." Worthless, miserable human beings!

Waiting for the IRS to send me a transcript of last year's taxes so I can send it with the next bit of paperwork... and that SHOULD be the last thing I have to fill out. Fingers crossed. We're close, I konw we are.

And maybe when he's here at last, I can be a few pounds lighter. Nobody likes a fat lazy wife, especially when they have to live with her. :-P

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/22593227/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/22593227/ Thu, 15 Jan 2009 10:10:32 PST
1. The truck is not as big as you think it is.
2. If you can't drive it, don't.
3. None of your silly little errands are important enough for you to borrow his vehicle when yours is in the shop.

ATTENTION: Dumb redneck small town woodburning stubbly clueless jackasses

1. That stick by the steering wheel turns on your indicators. Use it.
2. Stopping in the middle of the road for no apparent reason is not an option. Ever.
3. You're a fucking moron. Stay inside.

Further bulletins as events warrant.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20913539/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20913539/ Thu, 09 Oct 2008 22:18:00 PDT
Things are so so so so SO much better with Chris. He's texting regularly, calling relatively often, AND getting online almost every day to chat! We're communicating on a level almost as intense as before we started even dating, just getting to know each other. Only it's much more relaxed and comfortable, since we DO know each other now! I'm just so grateful.

I got some essentil oils that I'm having a blast with. I have started using lavender to help me wind down before falling asleep, and I'm sleeping SO much better and falling asleep so much more quickly. Cool beans.

Hmm, what else? Less than 60 days 'til the cruise now. I'm really starting to look forward to it. I wish I could lose some weight beforehand though... Ugh. Weight, contact lenses, birth control. All things I need to pay attention to before going! Oh, and and and visa. Of course.

Speaking of which, we're at the point where I've sent the next fee ($400) and now we're waiting to hear from the NVC again, when they request the next bit of paperwork I think. I need to gather my tax papers, URGH, I hate paperwork and it's going to be REALLY hard to find. *sigh* It must be somewhere. Maybe? Blah.

But all told, things are awesome. It's the best thing in the world that Chris is finally getting back to normal. I was so afraid I was going to lose him... he was really depressed. He neglected himself, let alone me. But it's all better now!

I'm going to upload Noels Celtiques somewhere as soon as possible so people can FIND it online. I looked everywhere, only place I found it was Amazon and you'd have to buy the CD instead of just pay to download the files. Bah! Fail.

It's almost the weekend again. I'm training an old, weird guy as a cashier tomorrow. Hmm. Going to be an interesting few days. But the good news (more of it anyways) is my boss is really pleased with the work I'm doing, and I'm actually starting to like being in retail instead of cash. I got to set up a new display last week, and it was SO much fun!

That's all, I swear!

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20681589/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20681589/ Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:29:49 PDT
For the moment, I am simply malcontent. And content to be so.

71 days.

I'm horny, fretful and tense. It's like I'm begging, "STIMULATE ME!" to anything that will listen. I hate being so needy.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20575052/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20575052/ Fri, 19 Sep 2008 20:17:07 PDT
Bleh, another weekend. Hate 'em. As usual.
But hopefully it'll be a good one.
OMG it feels SO much like Fall already, it's wonderful. So fresh and cool and clean at LAST! I'm so happy to say goodbye to Summer.

I keep meaning to print and start filling out the next form for the NVC, and forgetting/putting it off. Bah!

I need to empty the dishwasher. And prepare my checks for deposit. And make sure all my September bills are definitely paid. I think I paid them earlier in the month, but I want to double check. Cuz I'm just obsessive that way.

My flowers are dead! Oh well.

A very merry unbirthday to you.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20547209/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20547209/ Thu, 18 Sep 2008 02:25:49 PDT
Not too sure about the Butter Tablet, though. :-|

Sigh. Anyhoo. I should be sleeping.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND I'm not.
Oh well.

Nothing much else to report. Which, when you think about it, is a really good thing.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20464905/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20464905/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 01:54:25 PDT
(He's got nothin' on hubby. Mmmmmm hubby's bottom bits...)

ANYWAYS.

He sent flowers. Husband, I mean, not Naked Exhibit B. That was nice.

Does it mean a turnaround? I don't dare hope, at this point.

I'm almost not-sick already. At least I feel that way... maybe? Hopefully? Possibly.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20400873/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20400873/ Tue, 09 Sep 2008 02:34:39 PDT
I'm seriously considering not going on the cruise in December.

I am also getting sick. Bah!

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20383105/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20383105/ Sun, 07 Sep 2008 21:18:09 PDT 5:09 PM (6 hours ago)
Subject: I really can't believe...


...you couldn't even be arsed to text me ONCE today. Or answer my email. Or attempt to call.

If you hadn't been so consistently uncaring and inattentive, I would be worried that something terrible had happened. I've spent a lot of time over the last six months, worried something terrible has happened.

But I'm beginning to understand each time that it's nothing dire, it's just you not giving a shit about me, like usual.

Hell, even when you DO call me, it's too much to ask to get five minutes of your undivided attention-- it must be done when you can get something much more productive and important done, like walking to your car or closing up the arcade. What, I had important news to tell you? Of course that can be conveyed properly shouting over the wind and the wankers on the machines!

I've put up with a lot over the last few months. I let you off because you claimed to be completely overwhelmed with your job-- I didn't like it, I thought it was seriously crummy of you to put 110% into that sucky job and -10% into our marriage, but I dealt with it. If you think for one second that it's in ANY way "okay", you are seriously delusional.

How can you even bear to close your eyes at night, knowing the pain and heartache and hurt and confusion and complete dismay you've put me through? And all because, what, you couldn't be bothered to use your thumbs for ten seconds?

A little effort goes a long way, but you won't even give me THAT MUCH respect. Wow. Makes me feel real good, hon.

Hope it was worth it.

Love you. Don't like you very much right now. But I love you.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20350192/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20350192/ Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:59:43 PDT
To be woken up with a kiss, presented with a rose, and taken by the hand to the table, where breakfast is made and coffee is steaming?

To have as much attention paid to a kiss on the fingertips as to the ones on the lips (whichever lips you prefer to imagine kisses for)?

To be on the receiving end of a quick, friendly, non-intimate shoulder massage-- you know, just in passing, a squeeze of the shoulders to say, "I'm here."?

To be surprised at work with a bouquet of flowers and a saucy note, the blushing envy of every other woman for the rest of the day?

To be greeted with a heartfelt embrace at the door-- arms wrapped enthusiastically around you, enveloping you with an excitement usually reserved for special occasions?

To find a cute note taped to the bathroom mirror, written in the hurried, sloppy hand of one brushing their teeth at the same time?

To hear a dedication on the radio, and burst into tears with the realization that finally, it is HIS, to you?

I'm in the mood for love.
LOVE ME LOVE ME SAAAAY THAT YOU LOVE ME
I loved you once in silence
Love is all that I can give to you
Falling in love with love is falling for make-believe
My love love love lo-ove, love love love lo-ove

Anyhoo.
DO NOT NOT WANT.
Comprende?
Thank you.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20282337/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20282337/ Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:40:35 PDT
I would just go on, wondering why he hasn't sent a text, or getting mad because he didn't bother to call again, and all the while he'll actually be gone. Gone... forever. Nothing I could say or do, not amount of tears or screaming or pleading or misunderstanding could EVER bring him back.

And it could happen at any moment. A car could come crashing into him at random, some idiot with a gun could go on a rampage and hit him, he could be attacked at work, he could just lose all grip on reality and suck down three bottles of pills, he could have a terrible disease that nobody knew about, he could have a some hidden heart defect, ANYthing could happen.

And I'll sit and worry and the tears will pour down my face. I'll claw them away at intervals when they make my skin crawl, and shake my head to try and rid myself of their stain-- inside and out. I'll be SO SURE something is wrong, for SO LONG. I'll feel like I should warn someone, warn him, warn his family, warn everybody-- SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF DENMARK FFS won't somebody PLEASE help him before he's gone??

He'll call.
I'll cry.
He'll say I shouldn't worry, he's fine.
And I'll be okay for another twelve months or so.

Annnnd... mark. :-P
I'm sure something is going to happen, on his drive home today. It's a long-ass drive, in a big-ass vehicle. He's been so exhausted-- what if he falls asleep at the wheel? What if the van breaks down in moving traffic? What if he gets stuck on a railroad crossing?

Chariot + Tower
Car accident cards, for sure.
Fuck.
I'm so scared.

I sent him a text saying, be careful, be careful, PLEASE be careful... He sent one back saying, I will, I will, don't worry honey!

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20212318/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20212318/ Fri, 29 Aug 2008 02:45:35 PDT
I had today off. Spent most of it moping, as usual. Urgh, I'm such a wet blanket. So, I went all 1990s and made husband a cheesy mix CD. :-P It has sappy songs (like Walking on Sunshine, from our wedding!), sexy songs (Def Leppard, Pour Some Sugar on Me), wistful songs (I Want You to Want Me) sad songs (Buckcherry, Sorry) and one pissed-off song (Kate Nash, Dickhead). :-P Hope he takes the time to listen to it all.

I refrained from including anything from a musical or by John Denver. I think that counts for something.

Daydreamed about the "good old days" a lot, today, too. Especially the last time Chris was on THIS side of the water, and the time before that. The wedding was the last time he was here-- that was almost two years ago now! I can't believe it. It will be SO GOOD to have him back here again.

The time I came home from work, and he was spread-eagled on the bed, completely nude, his body decorated profusely with the bath crayons we'd picked up to play with-- sweet love notes and pictures and designs-- and the biggest fucking (censored) EVER and a grin to match it. SWEETEST SEXIEST THING EVER.

I can't wait until we can wake each other up with amorous intent. When he's not so stressed and exhausted that every SECOND of sleep is more important than any sex.

I'm exhausted.
I have a headache.
My stomach is very upset.
I should just go to sleep.

99 DAYS!

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20159430/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20159430/ Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:57:46 PDT
And he didn't say "I love you" before hanging up, after the first phone call in a week. I was testing him, to be fair, by saying, "Bye." instead of prompting him with "Love you." But what should I be the one to always say it first? Apparently because if I DON'T, he won't say it at all.

Fucking lovely.
I love how he'll drag his dumb butt to work, but is too "sick" to call, text or email me. RIGHT. Makes total sense.

Jackass.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20103167/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20103167/ Fri, 22 Aug 2008 20:29:50 PDT
The letter from the USCIS arrived. Now that his petition for the visa has been approved by the US, apparently it now goes to the Consulate in the UK for THEIR approval. I'm guess after that, he gets called in for an interview. (What colour are the sheets on the bed? Do you have a house key? Does she have any distinguishing moles on strange places?)

I did a reading today asking whether Chris would have his visa before Christmas. Hierophant, 7 of Wands, Chariot, with an overall influence of the Sun and the Wheel of Fortune. Rock on. Christmas is really where I have my sights set. If he can come back with me after the cruise, that'd be SO amazingly wonderful. If he can't... well. If we don't have proper plans for it, I shall cry. :-P A LOT.

I feel so down. Tell uth what make you a clistopher.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20069969/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20069969/ Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:09:53 PDT If I thought you'd take the time
To sit and listen, drink it in
And know that it was mine.

For you, I'd write a letter
If I thought you'd check your box,
Notice the postmark, see my hand
And feel your heartache stop.

For you, I'd write an email
If I thought you'd read the lines
See every sentence, every word
And need to click "Reply".

For you, my love, I'll write a verse
That you will never see
Because I know, and feel, and need
So you'll remember me.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20051229/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20051229/ Tue, 19 Aug 2008 23:21:30 PDT
This year, though, we're looking seriously at just making it about the meal. Assign everybody a specific part of the meal to make SPECIALLY for the rest of the family-- whether it's a special beverage, a side dish, appetizer, dessert, whatever. Everybody gets to put their heart into something and feel proud that everyone in the family is enjoying their contribution, and we don't have to worry about presents and all of that shit. Just make it ABOUT having a really wonderful meal together, and appreciating each other.

I'm super psyched. Especially since my husband will most likely be a part of all of it!! I'm so excited. It's going to be marvelous, it's going to be so meaningful and wonderful and about building family rather than draining bank accounts. I love it!

Still don't know when Chris will be here. I'm hoping by the end of September. As soon as possible, I want to book tickets so that he has a definite deadline to have everything wrapped up. His job finises on September 5th, I think, and he's going to move briefly back to Preston (back up north) to his parents' home to get all his stuff sorted out before coming over here. That said, there might still be some loose ends to tie up with the visa itself-- embassy appointments or something. We won't know until we get the letter with further instructions.

It's just so amazingly fantastic to be able to THINK about making definite plans at last, instead of just waiting waiting waiting! The only thing we had to look forward to was the cruise in December (108 days!), and even that, I wasn't sure we'd be able to survive another visit + breakup. It gets more and more painful every time we do that... but now, we will NEVER have to do that again. I get the biggest smile just typing that!

I'm so grateful for my family, my online friends, the people that've stood by Chris and me for so long as we went through this. I know it's been a tedious job, listening to us both bitch and seeing us so unhappy, so far apart, spending SO much money on a few precious days together at a time... Everybody has been wonderful, we have SO much to be thankful for, and honestly I couldn't have asked for anything better.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20031722/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20031722/ Mon, 18 Aug 2008 21:47:47 PDT
12:00 AM (43 minutes ago)

*** DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS E-MAIL ***

The last processing action taken on your case

Receipt Number: *************

Application Type: I130 , IMMIGRANT PETITION FOR RELATIVE, FIANCE(E), OR ORPHAN

Current Status: Approval notice sent.

On August 18, 2008, we mailed you a notice that we have approved this I130 IMMIGRANT PETITION FOR RELATIVE, FIANCE(E), OR ORPHAN. Please follow any instructions on the notice. If you move before you receive the notice, call customer service.

If you have questions or concerns about your application or the case status results listed above, or if you have not received a decision from USCIS within the current processing time listed*, please contact USCIS Customer Service at (800) 375-5283.

*Current processing times can be found on the USCIS website at [link] under Case Status and Processing Dates.
*** Please do not respond to this e-mail message.


Sincerely,


The U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS)

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20028627/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/20028627/ Mon, 18 Aug 2008 18:31:42 PDT
Everything else is disgustingly miserable by contrast, so I think I'll just stay here, worshipping my hair.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19941369/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19941369/ Wed, 13 Aug 2008 19:51:53 PDT I sleep too much. It's the only explanation for all these DREAMS.
Last night, I was yelling at my mother.
Sillybitch. You touch me, I bite.

Chris called today, and we had a NICE chat for once. Yay husband! :-P Now, if he can only keep it up.

I downloaded Lemmings.
I am pathetic. :-P

I am CRAVING sheppard's pie. The shepherds can have their pie, I want the sheppard's. IT'S TRADITIONAL. So there.

Come and wake me, come be the love I can hold now
Storybook love leaves me cold now
Show me the way to stop dreaming...

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19887941/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19887941/ Sun, 10 Aug 2008 22:52:52 PDT
After a lengthy, detailed, complex dream that I don't remember most of, I find myself in a large electronics store. The room is large, open, and the displays line the walls much higher than your typical retail establishment. Everything appears rather flat-faced-- I think I'm looking at rows of video games for different systems. I wonder what I should spend my money on. Suddenly, my brother comes excitedly over and says they have a deal going-- you can buy a Playstation 3 plus four games, for $100. So all I have to do is pick four games, and I'm totally going to do that.

Then the phone rings in real life, and it's my husband. I talk to him for a little while, then go back to sleep and have the second dream:

I'm wandering through a large department store, like a Wal-Mart. Again, the aisles are so high, everything is so BIG. Except the merchandise-- that's fairly flat, like the first dream, just not only electronics stuff. Chris is with me, and I have the feeling that we've been here before-- it's almost like we're on a date, "for old time's sake" revisiting this Wal-Mart. Things take an interesting turn at the end of one aisle, where we start to get amorous, kissing and touching, until Chris has me lean over on one shelf while he takes me from behind. I enjoy it at first, but then become suddenly concerned that he's going to get some of the white powder (baby powder? baking soda? flour? chalk?) from his hands onto my long black skirt.

My concern about the powder irritates Chris, and he begins slapping his hands against my skirt and thighs, grabbing up more powder from the shelves and throwing it at me. Clouds of the stuff are swirling around, and I yell at him to stop. His face twists with fury, and he lunges at me as if to hurt me-- but suddenly it's not Chris any more, it's a midget. Little person. Whatever. He's very angry and resentful, and I pick him up and look straight at his twisted little face, telling him, "You don't hurt people!" like he was a child. He gets sullen, muttering, "Other people hurt me."

I look at him with pity, and walk to another area of the store and set him on an overturned barrel. I begin to teach him how to be nice, starting with a sweet, sensual kiss.

Then I woke up.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19866293/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19866293/ Sat, 09 Aug 2008 17:27:59 PDT
***

Diana says: First, how are you feeling? I've been getting worried.

Tessalynn says: Shitty. Chris started cutting, I'm fed up and pissed off, I emailed his parents thinking he hadn't been speaking to them (as he told me), and found out he's been in FAR more regular communication with them than he has with me... urgh, just shitty

Diana says: Oh sweetie.

Tessalynn says: *shrug* Life goes on
Tessalynn says: what's up with you?

Diana says: I'm feeling OK, just had things going on. I'm looking forward to seeing my mother though, which is just scary!

Tessalynn says: That's awesome-scary though.

Diana says: It really is! OK, the reading. 12 cards, lots of cards. It's a relationship Problem Solving spread, I was flicking through my book, and it kept opening at that page, so I figured I should problem go for that one.

Tessalynn says: Ooh cool
Tessalynn says: We sure need that

Diana says: Do you want me to give the readings from my book, or do you want me to leave you to find the interpretations to you?

Tessalynn says: Well, why don't you give me your take on it, like a brief summary of what your book says + what you think it means in context, and I'll go from there?
Tessalynn says: Or is that too involved-- it's a lot of typing, I know

Diana says: *nods* Sounds good. OK, first card represents the Present Situation - The Devil reversed. My book says to be aware of being so afraid pleasures out of fear of addiction that you repress or deny all desire, even healthy ones.
Diana says: That one seems to say that you both need to show each other that there's still the good things in your relationship. It's all really stressful at the moment, and maybe you need to make sure that maybe once a week you e-mail/write to each other about something that was GOOD from the start. You know what I mean?

Tessalynn says: I do. I tried that so hard, and he just didn't come back with anything. I even sent him a bunch of naughty photographs-- he didn't even reply to the email. I feel like, why bother... You know me, I'm VERY sexual, I crave sex and intimacy and just warm close flirty conversations with him, but I'm afraid to be rebuffed AGAIN

Diana says: I know sweetie. But maybe if you tell him that he's got to send you messages once a week, and he's got to make sure he does it for a month, or he's not getting anything from you.

Tessalynn says: I've told him, girl!
Tessalynn says: I've told him, I've begged him
Tessalynn says: NOTHING GETS THROUGH
Tessalynn says: anyways... sorry
Tessalynn says: continue please

Diana says: *sighs* I know. OK, card 2 represents how YOU relate to Chris - The Sun: The message of the Sun is that of peaceful contentment with the world and its workings. You understand yourself and your role in the universe as much as you can, and you are okay with that, too. Life doesn't get much better.

Tessalynn says: odd card for that position...

Diana says: I think that's how you've got to get to. It's hard work, but if you know that and he will work things out in the end, try to keep staying calm about things. You are doing the stuff that you need to do, and there's nothing else you CAN do. See where I'm coming from?

Tessalynn says: Sort of. How I relate to Chris though, what does that actually mean? How he sees me? How I see him? How I deal with him?

Diana says: I think with this one, it's how you SHOULD deal with him, and how you should think about him and you. That make sense?

Tessalynn says: Meh, sort of... but I think if that's what the card should mean, that's what the position should have been called, you know? Ah well... continue.
Tessalynn says: Please.

Diana says: Lol. Card 3 is about how Chris relates to you: Ace of Pentacles. You have been given a resource. Use it well and be grateful. In other stop fucking around. Simple enough methinks.

Tessalynn says: If we compare that to what you said about the last card (How I SHOULD deal with him) then this would be how Chris SHOULD deal with me... and yes, that fucking fits perfectly.

Diana says: Lol. OK, card 4 - the relationship as a whole. The Moon - Pay attention to your dreams and your intuition. Face your fears, even if you do so a little at a time. Attend to your soul.
Diana says: You've had problem after problem, work through them step by step rather than all at once, follow what your heart tells you.

Tessalynn says: *Nods*

Diana says: And try not to get overly stressed.
Diana says: Next card?

Tessalynn says: *nods*

Diana says: OK, card 5 is YOUR hopes, fears and desires. Strength. The message of Strength reminds you that you have more streng... ]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19852256/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19852256/ Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:22:41 PDT
Okay.

So, the visa thing. It's a major relief to just have an answer. I realized today, it's also a relief that I'm not going to have to uproot my whole life. I can keep keep my subscriptions to things, I can continue to work, I don't have to think about what to take with me, I don't have to worry about keeping in touch with my penpals... no matter how positive and looked-forward-to a change is, change is still scary and difficult in a lot of ways. So things staying the same isn't the end of the world, by any means.

After a few days of better behavior for Chris, bit of a backslide today with no phone call and only one text-- and a cryptic one, at that. Another reason to hate weekends. He always flakes out on me at weekends, AND gets so super stressed that he practically ends up suicidal. The text today talked about having a "mental health night" last night. I don't know if that means he had a mental breakdown last night, or a night FOCUSING on his mental health, or a crazy night at work, or what. Ugh, so frustrating. I hate not knowing if he's okay or insane or hysterical or happy or mad or whatever the hell he is. I want to know, I want to share it. I want to help it, if it's bad.

That's the part of things staying the same that DOES feel like the end of the world. It's 120 days until I see him again... God, that sounds like a horribly, impossibly large number. 120 more days of this SHIT. This absolute shit. My heart just breaks... I can't even face it. Especially since it's only been 35 days SINCE I saw him, and we're already falling apart so entirely.

The only way to cope is going to be one day at a time, I know, and hopefully they'll blur mercifully together after a while, but from where I sit, everything just seems insurmountable. Including run-on sentences.


Christmas is in full swing at work. Music boxes with shrill bells, Christmas trees decked out in the corner, tinny-sounding animated snowglobes... It makes me SICK.

Ugh. I was feeling so content at the beginning of this. Before I counted the days until the cruise. Now, I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19815286/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19815286/ Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:34:05 PDT Lack of funds and evidence that I'd go home after the visa was up, were their reasons.

Funnily enough, I also got word that HIS visa (the permanent residency one, to come to the US) has been transferred to another center for processing.

His visa has been pending for almost a year with NO activity whatsoever... so I guess any movement is good movement, but I'm just not sure why they moved it from Pennsylvania (local-ish) to California (other side of the country). The good news is, CA's listed processing times are WAY better than PA's...

Ugh, I just don't know what to think. I'm so ragged over this whole issue-- my going to England was the ONE thing we had to look forward to, he's losing his job in a few weeks, and everything just seems to be crashing down. Any prayers, good thoughts, mental vibrations would be greatly appreciated.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19798424/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19798424/ Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:07:55 PDT
I wish like crazy I could post photos in this stupid journal. Alas, I cannot. Therefore, you lot will be deprived of spectacular views of my wonderful deck. But you CAN read about it and view some pictures at DeviantMoon.com. It's brandy-new, just came out in June I think? I got it for less than $15 on Amazon.com. LOVE!

Nothing else went right today. Husband persists in being an absolute utter moron. No visa news. Urgh.

Family comes tomorrow. NOT looking forward to it. I feel so... worthless beside my extended family. They're all rich, brassy alcoholics. I really don't fit in with them. Thank goodness we almost never see them... But it makes the times we DO see each other much more awkward.

Oh well. Life goes on, eh?
I haven't felt very creative lately. My cat has gotten more artistic things accomplished than I have, and that's just in her litter box. Smart kitty. I'd show you a picture of her too, but... you know. *glares*

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19771352/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19771352/ Mon, 04 Aug 2008 13:00:41 PDT ***

I'm in a dream I've had before with some sort of big restaurant/amusement complex. The group I'm with basically has the run of the place, and we're having a good time with no other customers, I have a real feeling of being slightly important but mostly it's about being in control. Not having to worry about other people, just whatever I want to do.

This time, though, it's different. In my "room" (which is like my childhood room in the basement of my grandmother's house), there's a group of silly Mexican helpers (Whaaat?!) in a car, watching a movie and, I kid you not, pleasuring themselves. Every now and then, I glance over and their little butts are in the air, very cartoonish as they hunker down in the seats, wanking away.

So I go to sleep, listening to the funny movie they are enjoying so much. Suddenly, I realize the kid I was babysitting (where the bloody hell did HE come from!?) is at the foot of the bed, making a funny noise. THAT funny noise. The funny noise that never fails to make me move faster than most mothers running to snatch their children out of the way of an oncoming train would not think possible.

I leap out of bed and GRAB that little shit, trying to force him out the door-- off the carpet, out of the room, just GO, like I do if my cat starts making the same noises. HE WON'T GO. I'm panicking, he's twisting like said cat, only much bigger and his hot squirmy little body is all sweaty under his pajamas, and I KNOW the end is near.

Finally I force him to hunker over a large red tin that serves as a trash can in my room-- I actually own this trash can in real life, I don't know what it was doing in the dream but I'm washing it as soon as possible. And, you guessed it, he just heaves and GALLONS of stuff start pouring out of his still-struggling mouth. He's still trying to squirm away, and I'm just clinging grimly on for dear life, trying to hold myself together.

He retches again, the vomit is pouring out now, swirling in the can in a very threatening way. Another retch and another spasm and he manages to get some of it out of the container-- backsplash. It lands on the bottom of my BLANKETS where they're covering the bed and on my BARE FEET. I can still feel the warm droplets spattering on my toes. I made a sound in the dream of horror and determination, clutching the scruff of this kid's neck like there's no tomorrow. Once I got through with him (when he stopped being sick), there probably wouldn't BE a tomorrow for him. Stubborn disgusting little bastard!

In the dream, I'm congratulating myself on remaining as calm as I did, but once I feel the vomit hit my feet AND see it splash on the bed, I know I'll never be clean, I'll never get the smell out of the room, I'll never ever sleep in here again. The little Mexicans pop sweaty faces up to peer at me laughingly for a moment, then hunker down again, jerking away.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19723518/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19723518/ Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:06:56 PDT
In a jacuzzi.

Several people.

One person in particular. I knew him-- he was either my boyfriend, my husband or my "client" (because in the dream, I think I may have been a prostitute of some kind?). We're in the hot tub, everybody having a good time, and I'm flirting with him excitedly, "swimming" around him and touching him under the water. He enjoyed the attention, and the conversation of the other people kind of faded into the background.

When he was sufficiently aroused, he told me, "Put it in!" And I eagerly slid onto his lap and started to push myself down onto him. He seemed to have rather a small penis, and it only went in a little ways, but it felt amazingly good. Suddenly, though, he tensed and seemed in pain, whispering "Ow ow ow ow!". I got off immediately, and he sighed with relief. The water in the jacuzzi began to drain, and I spat into it several times. I watched the spit slide down towards the hole, curling my legs up to avoid it touching me, then poked at it with one finger to try and make it go down the grate.

***

Still no news.
I'm getting very discouraged.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19671670/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19671670/ Tue, 29 Jul 2008 23:31:11 PDT
Tomorrow I should get news. Page of Swords. Hooray.
Today Chris fucked up. Big time. Again. I'm... really upset.

So there's nothing new.
Hence the lack of journals lately.
Urgh. I feel like I'm writing all autistic or something.
Dog in the Night-time. Two red cars. Bad day.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19613603/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19613603/ Sat, 26 Jul 2008 20:48:12 PDT
But I had a pretty pleasant day. Definitely felt lighthearted, optimistic, energetic and on top of things. And Chris seemed a little bit better, too... maybe? One can hope.

Short entry today. All sleepy and stuff.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19596741/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19596741/ Fri, 25 Jul 2008 19:53:17 PDT
Okay, so today's disappointments:

Well, no word on the visa of course. Also had hoped that hubby's day would go well since his boss was meeting with him today to help out... but the text I got at the end of the day was depressed again. Total bummer. Maybe he was just tired? Sigh, I don't even know any more. Maybe someday we'll have a real conversation again. Or, shock horror, a real relationship.

I booked an appointment for Tina (demonkitty) to see the vet for a bald spot on one of her hind legs. I just realized I booked it for a morning that I have a meeting. Whoops. Now... which to cancel? Meeting is not reschedulable, vet appointment is. But meeting is a GIANT waste of time, vet is a GIANT waste of money. They're both a GIANT waste of gas. My job is slightly more important than my kitty, which I feel guilty for saying, but my kitty does not pay me to show up. HMMMMMM PERPLEXING.

I want to have some fun. Like real, lighthearted, laugh-my-ass-off fun. I don't know that I remember how.

WHEN OH WHEN are the bloody moods going to be fixed!? Wtf. Seriously. Getting tired of guessing.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19574586/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19574586/ Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:28:54 PDT
Yeah, pretty much!

The dinner with Britany didn't work out-- she wasn't at work this afternoon, and nobody knew where she was. Turns out, her uncle had passed away. Oh well. But while I am sorry about her uncle, it actually worked out better that we didn't do anything tonight, since my grandparents have today off anyways.

Work went really well, other than that. Quite optimistic today, and now I have tomorrow off to look forward to.

Woke up from a dream about being in England. It started with the recurring dream I have about taking a "shortcut" through a big green forest/field, clambering through the hills and things along a path that I'm sure I know. This time I was leading two older people, and instead of the shortcut taking far longer than expected (as usually happens when I dream this one), it was REALLY quick and easy. Even in the dream, I was surprised, because I knew it wasn't as long as it usually is.

Then I was standing in London, by the River Thames. The Castle Bridge was there, but the platform was higher up, with a sheer drop down from a tall concrete walkway, maybe 50 feet to the water. I've dreamt about that walkway and the drop to the river before, usually involving a holiday park or campsite. I was with Chris, and I was worried that we were going to have to swing down onto a boat as it passed below us, and again... in the dream, I was afraid because I don't like falling dreams.

Suddenly, we were in the underground. I've had this dream before, too-- last time, we had to change trains repeatedly and get them all right, or we'd be trapped on the tracks. This time, it was fifty cents each to get a ticket, and Chris just looked at me expectantly. I only had American coins on me, and a plastic pound coin and a plastic 20p piece-- and he got very attitude-y about having to pay for my ticket.

We got into an arcade type place. It was dirty and not very crowded, and I wanted to change my shirt. Chris rolled his eyes and told me to use the restroom, he wanted to play games. So I took off my shirt-- he said I shouldn't do that in public-- and walked into the filthy bathroom. The stall was tiny, and the toilet was dirty and oddly broken-looking. I sat down and noticed there was a spider, one of those small ones that curl up like little balls with thick, short legs like claws, on the back of the tank. He unfurled his legs and started scrabbling along the toilet, and I balled up some toilet paper and killed him. I was afraid he wouldn't die, even though I could see he was smeared on the porcelain.

Fun, eh?

I feel good today, though. Tomorrow should be disappointing, unfortunately, but at least I'm forewarned. Chris sent me a lovely text this morning that made me feel really good... I won't expect much for tomorrow though.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19561367/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19561367/ Wed, 23 Jul 2008 19:24:25 PDT
No, really!
Imagine.

Woke up from a pleasant project-type dream that involved problem solving and so on (okay, not very exciting but SO SATISFYING) to a text from Husband saying that he'd spoken to his boss, and the boss totally supported him and he's going to come down on Friday to help Chris out. YAY! Big relief.

And I didn't say "I told you so", though I thought it. Loudly. :-P

Other than that, not a lot happened. Kind of a quiet day, but a balanced day. Little lonely... watched The Baby Borrowers and was so envious of one couple-- not the state of their relationship, but the ability they had to cuddle close. I'd give anything to be able to curl up on the couch and snuggle with Chris right now. That closeness... somehow wrapping my arms around a pillow just doesn't cut it. I try so hard to keep the loneliness in the back of my mind, but God. It's not easy. And the tears don't help, they just make my contact lenses gritty and my nose runny, so I wish I could stop.

Please, please please... let the visa come through. Let his job work out. Let me be back with him soon. At least let me have something concrete to look forward to, 'cause this unending desolation just sucks in a big way.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19545322/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19545322/ Tue, 22 Jul 2008 21:29:57 PDT
Again. Holy Yes Machines.

Day started off terribly with a phone call from husband. Usually that'd be a good thing... but he's still having a complete melt down and has completely given up on keeping his job a Combe Haven. He went yesterday to London for an aptitude test for his new obsession, Air Traffic Controlling. Apparently he felt really amazing at that, and now he's just decided that the ENTIRE casino/games industry is not for him and that he sucks at it, and should pursue ATC for the rest of his life.



He's still talking about moving back home with his parents. And even if he lands a job with ATC, it'll be AT LEAST A YEAR before he makes any money at it! WTF! Throw that pony in reverse, WHAT?! All you had to do was make it a few more months to the end of the fucking season with Combe, and you're just throwing up your hands and pissing EVERY CHANCE we have at being together down the drain. Down. The. Drain. I am beyond upset. This tunnel vision thing he's got going on... just not workin' for me.

*deep breath*

Good news is, I got an email from New York saying that they've received my application for the visa and it's being processed. I was really impressed with the tone of the email:

Dear Applicant

Your application has arrived safely at the New York office and is currently being processed. The estimated processing time for your application is 5 working days plus mail time, however no guarantee is given. Sometimes it is necessary to make additional enquiries on an application which will extend the processing time.

You will receive another e-mail advising you of the outcome of your application in due course.

Please note that we are unable to answer status enquiries unless we have exceeded the estimated processing time.
Regards
New York Visa Team.

********

See what I mean? It's mostly professional and straightforward, but it's also extremely sensitive to the keyed-up mood and anxiety they know an applicant will be feeling. WAY more understanding than the USCIS showed when I sent in the application for Chris! Ah well. It just really made me feel "remembered" in a weird way. Like a person, not just another number. Automated email or not.

HOLY SHIT.
I'm fucking desperate.
*sigh*

Work was frustrating as usual. Idiots wandering in ten minutes before closing, sitting down to enjoy breakfast and six cups of coffee... Just so rude. I would never do that. RGH.

I set up a tentative girl night with a coworker, Britany! That made me feel better, too. She's been down lately and she's just about the sweetest, most timid little thing ever, but she's also hell-bent on socializing with me. And it's funny, 'cuz I'm like four times her size and I feel like such a worthless lump beside her, but she always goes out of her way to talk to me and plan things with me. I know I'm rambling, I'm just trying to suss out why she seems to click so well with ME-- but I genuinely like her and I'm really looking forward to Thursday evening.

Anyhow.
Lots of stuff happened today, I guess.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19523298/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19523298/ Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:42:33 PDT
HOLY YES MACHINES.

Spent all day wandering from room to room, pecking discontentedly at my quiet cell phone, just not able to be satisfied by anything at all.

Also COMPLETELY horny-- and the thing is, while I'd love to get horizontal with my guy and take care of business, HE'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE OCEAN. Normal methods NOT working. Run for the hills, ravenous frustrated female on the rampage.

And as expected, no good news in the mail.

Tomorrow: 9 of Wands. Things to look forward to. Maybe get a bit of writing done?

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19502097/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19502097/ Sun, 20 Jul 2008 15:02:50 PDT Okay
So I'm grasping at straws
But I really need to kick this week's butt. I'm tired of being depressed, anxious, stressed, fragmented. Whether or not I've got valid reasons, it's frustrating and it needs to end.

RIGHT! So.

Weekly reading was quite interesting today. I'm rather intrigued.

Sunday: 7 of Swords. Sneaky seven!! And true to form, Chris had issues. I ended up with an entire night's sleep stolen with his work-stress to blame, essentially-- and this Seven has been a key card for his work taking something away from me since the cruise fiasco, so that fit purrrrrfectly. Not pleasantly, but perfectly.

Monday: 4 of Swords, Reversed. "Restless", possibly? Waiting for news of the visa, I'll be impatient and discontent, and not willing to be still and wait. I really WANT it to come Monday, but it looks like it probably won't.

Tuesday: 9 of Wands. On the defensive. Be on guard today... people may try to take advantage. Also, this is the one day of the week I'll be closing at work, and "en gaurde" is EXACTLY how I feel for the last hour, praying a big party won't come in and keep me there late! Try to relax, go with the flow.

Wednesday: Queen of Swords. Ooooh! Legal diva, anyone? Feeling back on my throne, in control of matters of law and the mind? Composed, clarity returning? Oh, please please pleeease let it be...

Thursday: Knight of Wands! Maybe Chris is reinspired and encouraged by news of the visa, if it comes? Possibility of a creative day, fiery and passionate and enthusiastic.

Friday: 3 of Swords. Heartache, disappointment, hoping for something more? Maybe I won't get to talk to Chris today about the visa (if I get it), or maybe a plan won't go the right way. Don't book tickets this day, if booking is on the agenda for the week. Don't get hopes up for too much, try not to be disappointed if people let you down.

Saturday: Page of Pentacles! Possibility of getting a good deal today-- and if the Queen didn't bring the visa on Wednesday, maybe Friday's the day? Ends the week on a high note, in any case... try hard for tickets that day, if possible.

Overview card: 10 of Cups. Aww! This week is working towards my Happily Ever After. That's encouraging and definitely something to hope for. *deep breath* Maybe things aren't going to hell in a handbasket JUST yet, after all...


***
PHEW
So exhausted.
Last night was spent itchy, irritated, exhausted and sleepless. But it's a new day nonetheless, and I'm determined to make it better than the last.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19481502/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19481502/ Sat, 19 Jul 2008 11:38:57 PDT
Okay, here goes. Without pictorial aid, oh well.

1. Visa news
A. Chris' from October (I checked the site, they're now working on the ones they've rec'd only one month before ours... surely that's a good sign?)
B. Mine from exactly 1 week ago. I "feel" like it should come on Monday, but I'm not sure whether the news will be good or not.

2. Job news
A. Chris has been told that if he doesn't "turn things around" in the next four days (he's had three since they told him), he's getting fired.
a. He refuses to be fired, says he'll quit first. And has scheduled a spacial awareness test for a job as an air traffic controller for Monday. AND is talking about moving back in with his parents.

3. Doctor doctor doctor...
A. Chris desperately needs to see a doctor for at least depression, if not malnutrition and anorexia and God knows what else. He claims he doesn't have time.
B. I haven't had a period since before my trip, roughly four months missed now. I need to be on birth control BEFORE I see my husband again, anyways, because believe you me... I won't put up with condoms any more!
a. My doc doesn't take my new insurance, and I lack the inspiration to seek out a new PCP.

4. Family drama. Less said about that, the better.

5. Above all... I just miss my husband. I miss the romantic, funny, inspired guy who used to talk to me for hours. I miss not wanting to cry whenever I think about him. I miss feeling loved. I know we've both got a lot on our minds and hearts, but surely... /surely/, there's room to think about each other? I'm tired of talking to him about it, tired of begging to be kept in the loop. I just feel so not-okay.

I'm sure there's more. But those are the big bits, anyhow. I feel totally drained and completely desperate. I don't want to write, read, work or talk. I just want to sleep.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19397220/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19397220/ Mon, 14 Jul 2008 19:19:36 PDT
Quick update: she had a falling out with HER mother (my grandmother, with whom I currently live) in a biiiig way. I mean, major screaming you-never-loved-me type falling out. (She's so fucking delusional. But everybody in the family knows this, so it didn't come as an entire surprise... hurt her mom like hell, but didn't surprise anybody.)

So she said she wasn't going to come to the upcoming family party (that's to celebrate her own birthday, as well as her son's/my brother's!). It's coming up this Wednesday, and I had purposefully NOT ASKED for that day off so I wouldn't have to go to the stupid thing with her there. Well, my boss ended up giving me that day off at random, so with mom not going anyways, I thought YAY I'll go to the party.

But now, miracle of miracles, my brother has somehow talked some sense into the psycho bitch, and she's patching things up with her mother and is coming to the party after all.

FUCK!

I mean, yay for the MAD MEDIATOR SKILLZ of my bro-- that's just like crazy amazing, I'm super impressed and really glad he was able to do that... but what am I going to do now?! I'm not as quick to forgive as my grandmother, after all-- I don't need her stupid drama, and I don't want her in my life right now. AT ALL. Especially if I'm moving to the UK in the fall (and that's still a big "if", as I haven't heard from Immigration yet of course).

Sigh.

I feel like I'm catching a cold. I also feel PMS-y. Which is hopefully a good sign? I took a third test just to be sure, as this is month... 4, now, without anything.

I just reread a lot of VIII's stuff. I wish more people would read it. It's disturbing on so many levels, and that's what makes it so fucking awesome. He's a SMART, twisted creature and a really wonderful person. And HE DESERVES YOUR RESPECT.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19365685/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19365685/ Sun, 13 Jul 2008 03:19:02 PDT
I mailed off the application yesterday. Decided if Chris was going to play dramatic victim and not get his shit together, I wasn't going to wait any longer. If they deny me for anything, it won't be because he only gave me one month's worth of papers, anyways.

Fingers crossed, lords and ladies.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19322743/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19322743/ Fri, 11 Jul 2008 02:04:05 PDT

MY FINGERPRINTS WORK! Isn't that exciting? It was actually really cool to watch them come up on the screen, crystal-clear and superfast. CSI's got nothin' on ASC.

And I didn't have to turn in any of my papers. I just have to mail everything in to New York, now-- which gives me a little while longer to get Chris' stuff over here. The ninny only gave me ONE pay stub, ONE bank statement-- and he didn't even SIGN the letter of sponsorship. Thanks, babe. :-P Hopefully will have those by tonight though, and can mail off the whole bloody packet TOMORROW!

Urgh. Saturday is tomorrow. I hate weekends. Oh well, at least I get my paycheck and schedule today. And I had a nectarine, yogurt, tea and bread for breakfast. Yummy!

Blargh. 10 minutes til I leave for work. These opening days are HORRIBLE. But that's okay. I'll live.

Gooooooood morning.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19303789/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19303789/ Thu, 10 Jul 2008 03:38:36 PDT
Watch while I pretend I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm collected! We leave at 10am. It's about 6:30 now. I've been up for three hours. HMMMM.

I'm considering going back to bed for a little while. Maybe taking a shower first. But I have to get papers together. BUT I can't get them all together while my grandparents are still sleeping. Erk!

I don't even know if I actually need the papers. I know I need my application, my appointment confirmation page, and my passports. One page on the site says bring all supporting documents, and the other says bring only the app, the confirmation and the passports because you have to mail the rest of it later (within 3 weeks of the appointment).

DON'T LET ME FORGET MY PASSPORT PHOTOS.
Which I'm not sure are the right size. Stupid UK government using centimeters instead of inches. Zomg. Freaking out.

I'm drinking green tea for no reason. I think I subconsciously believe that will flush out all the bad vibrations from my system or something. More likely, it'll just make me want to pee a lot.

See? Perfectly cool, calm, collected.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19265231/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19265231/ Tue, 08 Jul 2008 00:12:27 PDT
Little girl, maybe 10 years old.
Pale face. Stringy hair. Tight, quivering features.
Hands clasped tightly at her waist, returns to the table after a trip to the restroom.

"Mommy, I don't feel good." She says with a sob in her voice.

(These words strike fear into my heart faster than any news of terrorism, motor vehicle accident or presidential election. The walls close in, I can't hear properly, my body freezes-- all I can think of is "Can we make it?")

Instead of taking her to the restroom (or DRAGGING her frantically to the restroom, leaping over tables and knocking over servers in the process as I would have), Mom clicks her tongue sympathetically but dismissively, and pats the seat beside her.

"Why don't you try to eat some breakfast, sweetie?"

ARE YOU INSANE!?

Meal progresses, everybody's having a lovely time, except for Little Paleface, who sits shivering in a borrowed sweater, staring at the floor.

They finish, and come to cash out. "Do you have any peppermint?" the grandmother asks me, and I automatically glance at Miss Miserable. I KNOW what's going on inside that tummy, and a stick of peppermint is NOT going to help any more.

Sure enough, less than a minute after the party FINALLY leaves (and you can bet I was watching Green Girl the entire time, heart pounding), the grandmother comes rushing back in. "She threw up on the step outside... just thought I should let you know."

YEAH THANKS FOR THE INFO.
You couldn't have LISTENED to her when she TOLD you what was happening, or paid attention to the six BILLION signs she gave you that something was, shall we say, amiss?? And now everybody coming into the RESTAURANT gets to sidestep the evidence of your shoddy parenting. Congratu-bloody-lations, YOU SUCK.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19212280/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19212280/ Sat, 05 Jul 2008 01:38:21 PDT
AND I AM NOT A GOLDFISH.
Women require more than goldfish.
Think about that, men, before you think about getting one of your own.

A woman, I mean.
Well, and a goldfish.
Choose wisely, is all I'm saying.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19190195/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19190195/ Thu, 03 Jul 2008 19:09:18 PDT
What do you think? WILL HE CALL?
He'd better.

I really want some freaking flowers. I haven't even seen a stem in over six months, and I miss them, goddammit. Guess that makes me a girl after all, period or no period.

]]> ~lyntess http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19137932/ http://lyntess.deviantart.com/journal/19137932/ Tue, 01 Jul 2008 00:01:52 PDT
You know, I really miss the days when I was able to brag about him. "He's so thoughtful! He called me this morning just because he missed me!" "Aww, how sweet-- he phoned direct, from his mobile, because he couldn't find his phone card but promised he'd call me." "Oh how lovely! He sent me flowers at work! No, it's not my birthday-- he just sent them!"

Now, every day, it's the same pathetic story. "No, he didn't call, again."

I'm going to call his work, later this morning. It's about 8am there now-- he should be in by 9:30 or so. If I don't hear from him by then, fuck it. "Can I speak with Chris Dagger please? Yes, this is his WIFE."

If he's not there, I'm calling his family. I still have the stupid number memorized from when he lived with them. I thought I had his mother's mobile number in my cellphone, but it turns out I don't, or I'd text her. That will be remedied if I ever get in contact with him again. For all I know, he's unconscious, in hospital, mortally wounded in a ditch somewhere, or dead.

Heaven forbid.
I HOPE he doesn't have a good reason for not calling me. How sad is that. I love the man, I don't want him hurt or incapacitated in any way. And as much as it kills me to be forgotten or ignored, I'd rather it be that than any other reason.

I don't know what else I can do. I feel like there should be some repercussions... not a "punishment" but certainly a consequence. But from across the ocean, there ain't a damn thing I can do about it.

Except wait. And cry like a bitch. And take more antacids.


*****UPDATE*****

Apparently he texted, but it never got to me. He's supposedly sick with a tummy bug (JOY), and went right home after work (well, after work, then shop, then back to work again for a bit) and went to sleep. And he had another one of those choking dreams, but this time couldn't snap out of it, and couldn't breathe even when he woke up gagging and gasping. I told him Pepcid, sleep sitting up more, Breathe Right nasal strips, etc. All of which he shot down. Which is not a surprise. And I said so.

I told him I missed all that stuff I mentioned at the top of this entry. I told him how scared I am every single time I don't hear from him when he says he's going to contact me. I told him I'd always be there, no matter what-- no matter how depressed or withdrawn or ill he gets. I'm not going anywhere. But that I needed him to show he loves me.

I didn't tell him that I had a bit of a backslide with my Compulsive Skin Picking, and my upper body now looks like an empty minefield. I didn't tell him how I still haven't had a period-- making three months now without one. I didn't tell him my daily Tarot email had the Tower in it for today. All I could tell him, over and over, was that I love him. That I love him so much. That I think the world of him, that I need him, that I miss him more than I could ever express. That every time I DO hear from him, I glow like I used to when we were still in the early-flirting stage of our relationship.

He's so important to me. And fuck it, I know other people can read this, but at the end of a day this is a Journal, and I can write whatever the fuck I need to in it.

I want to help him. Without him, there is no us. And I love us.

]]> ~lyntess