http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:mangakasami&section=today deviantART RSS for by:mangakasami en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:44:18 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/25905054/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/25905054/ Sun, 12 Jul 2009 18:21:12 PDT remember me?
i'm dreadfully sorry that it's been over two months since i've really updated. but i feel like i owe you all an explination.
school has been rather diffucult, givin my medical restraints, and although school is (thankfully) out for the summer, i have to make up the work from the entire year that i've missed. it should be doable, but it's incredibly vital that it gets done (and it's no easy task)
for now, it looks like i'll be staying at my current school, however, if this next school year doesn't start up propor a swich will be more seriously considered.
i've always been open about keeping a health update, and unforutantly nothing's changed
between doctor's appointments and school work, i haven't quite been able to update here as much as i'd have liked :'( which of course doesn't set very well with me. i really miss the people i've met here and such =/
i'll try and update as much as possible ^_^ even though life is busy, and as always challenging, i've managed to keep the art coming. alot more painting, songwriting, and my ussual....whatever you want to call it-s. i've come up with a new storyline, characters and theame for a serise that i'm very excited to post.
i'll do my best to post those when once i find the time and willpower. i really apprecaite the suport and open-ness of everyone here, and i'll try my best to keep up apperences. it's jsut hard right now. i know life never seems to cut breaks, but things are a bit worse than ussual right now.
i seriously look forward to being a much more active member of deviant art in the near future.
i just need some time and to accualy make progress somewhere in my life.

i'll try my best to do what i can here, and that will become more and more with time. i look forward to being able to hear from and catch up with all of you, i can't check deviant art as much as i'd like but

my email is mangakasami@gmail.com
my twitter is samithegreat
my facebook is sami martasian

and i'd love to hear from any of you guys there ^_^ i currently have a few thousand deviations in my inbox, so if you have anything you're dying for me to see, i'd love it if you could link me XD
i'm very sorry for being inactive for so long and i'm sorry this journal is so dreadfully long O_o
and i look forward to getting back in the groove of things!
can't wait to hear from you all!
love!


so what's up with you guys?

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/24949070/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/24949070/ Mon, 25 May 2009 18:31:40 PDT i went to a rave.
had a dance off with ash from pokemon
cosplayed as mikuru asahina
and bought lots of lolita c:
i can't sum it all up in a journal sorry.
the end.
it was nice.

school's only got a bit less than a month left~!
i've sorta been incredibly worn out, so i'm pretty pumped for summer. ahh the promise of sleeping in, drawing away the day, and street preforming. i'll be more active then c:

for those of you who are local, look for me at waterfire, and in wickford, c: i'll be human statue-ing, and playing guitar as means of gaining money for...inportant stuff ;D i'll take commisions too >.> if you want them let me know!

i hit 19K today! thank you all so much for your continued suport c:




]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/24709295/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/24709295/ Mon, 11 May 2009 18:37:26 PDT there's new stuff in my gallery, check it ouuuut. more to come. i feel bad, like i'm loosing watchers =/ so if anyone's outthere...

as of right now, i'm staying at my school. yay~
but i have to make up all the missing work from the school year.
which is
almost 50 day's worth.
huh.
not so cool.
on some new-ish meds that aren't working.
yet?
summer is so close, and even though i have to make up class work the whole summer, i really can't wait. i'll at least have more time to rest then.

some things have made me happy.
some things have made me sad.
but anything that makes me feel
really can't be so bad.

tehe.
that was so stupid.

two questions-
what helps you sleep?
for christsake i know i ask alot. but the situation is currently dire.
and what are you doing this summer?


p.s. sorry this is written in a disheartening manner. am having a pain attack at the moment.

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/24443182/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/24443182/ Sun, 26 Apr 2009 10:19:12 PDT SO much has happened i the past few weeks that i can't cram it all in this. note me if you want to be bothered with details or consulted. i could use that, i think.
i'm teribly sorry, to my watchers (or like, all 3 that are left lol) for being idle so long. school and home and health have been a bitch lately!
it's madness.
i've just posted a new piece (inked an all) and i have alot of sketches to ink, and post, i'll get on that :'D the school year is coming to a close pretty soon, so i have to cram alot of make up work in, there's alot of problems with me in school, becuse of my health problems, and it seems i might have to change schools if i can't get things straightened out. so there's been alot of stress, it's safe to say, between school,home and the hospital.
some good stuff happened
then alot of bad stuff happened.
i don't think you all need me to rant.
how are you guys? miss me ;D what's been going on!?
also, who's going to ABcon?
sugest a book or musician and i'll love you forever :3


]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/23543502/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/23543502/ Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:09:35 PST anywhoodles
i've been meaning to update you all and apologies, but i wanted to do it when i was in a good mood. c:
i've not been around a ton, and for that i am sorry! my health problems, have become quite an issue lately, and i've for some reason gotten my ass in gear at school. i've been having quite an art slump! hopefully it will soon pass. more uploads and comments can be excpected soon, as ussual life has not cut (too many ) breaks for me. but its' all good
if you want to make sure to stay in touch, i do have twitter, facebook, gmail, and skype and would love to hear from you!
i'll still be in DA, i promise, things are just very rough right now. yes alot of changes went down in the family, but i think i'll live
surpisingly though, for the first time in a long time, i feel like i'm going to be okay. mabey not right now, but in the future. sometimes having hope for the future is the best feeling ever, even if it'll take some time to get to. i relized i have to most wonderfull people in the world around me
honestly, just today things just got
alot
alot
better.
i'm gonna smile more.
so tell me guys!
what are you up to?
what music, books, shows, talk to me! i feel bad for being out of touch
ALSO
if you've done any work/journals you want my opinion on, please do link me! i have 1,977 deviations right now and it's hard to go through all off them!
for once my mood isn't insecure c:

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/23543494/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/23543494/ Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:09:19 PST anywhoodles
i've been meaning to update you all and apologies, but i wanted to do it when i was in a good mood. c:
i've not been around a ton, and for that i am sorry! my health problems, have become quite an issue lately, and i've for some reason gotten my ass in gear at school. i've been having quite an art slump! hopefully it will soon pass. more uploads and comments can be excpected soon, as ussual life has not cut (too many ) breaks for me. but its' all good
if you want to make sure to stay in touch, i do have twitter, facebook, gmail, and skype and would love to hear from you!
i'll still be in DA, i promise, things are just very rough right now. yes alot of changes went down in the family, but i think i'll live
surpisingly though, for the first time in a long time, i feel like i'm going to be okay. mabey not right now, but in the future. sometimes having hope for the future is the best feeling ever, even if it'll take some time to get to. i relized i have to most wonderfull people in the world around me
honestly, just today things just got
alot
alot
better.
i'm gonna smile more.
so tell me guys!
what are you up to?
what music, books, shows, talk to me! i feel bad for being out of touch
ALSO
if you've done any work/journals you want my opinion on, please do link me! i have 1,977 deviations right now and it's hard to go through all off them! :iconjizzedinmypants:
for once my mood isn't insecure c:

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/23037739/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/23037739/ Fri, 06 Feb 2009 10:00:08 PST too me long enough yeah? my friend fiddled with it and within 4 minutes i had interwebs i feel like a moron but meh. it doesn't matter. i must say.
once you go mac
you never go back
;D
it's nice to have a webcam ^___^ it's like being in the same room.

in less fantastic news, i seem to have caught the cold/flu that's been spreading around. i'm getting better though, so no biggie. the time at home gives me time to draw and learn some new stuff on guitar so it's not a total loss hospital stuff continues to happen.
vacation's coming up soon! antics will ensue
still looking for some pointers with my art. what do you like/dislike?

questions
would you buy a commision from me?
and what's your fave food

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22831639/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22831639/ Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:21:48 PST firsty i lost a great deal of art suplise :/ like all me pencils, some copic and neopiko markers ...screw it just about everything. now that's just my own stupidity but i'm still kinda sad it's a bit of a set back yeah?
and i'm having those silly little artists duobts :/ my art teacher told me that if i ever became an artist it would be complealte blaspomy. and ilove all my friends who told me he was wrong, but it really got to me how does one deal with artist duobts? you tell me.
and you guys are amazing! last journal got a TON of responses. i'm still looking for music/art/book/movie recomondations. some cool stuff i found since last time i posted the bands say hi to your mom, birdeatsbaby, pendulum, st. vincent and and dark captian light captian~ i read the book choke and i have to say it was most likely the best book i've read in a great while. check it out.
i think alot of you guys know, but shit's going down big time in my life right now, if you want to know all that stuff stalk me on twitter or i can note you my blog or whatever.
just a quick thanks to a few of you who've really gotten me through these sucky months. i really love you people.

~question of the day~
oooh i'm gonna be a narsist. do you think i can become a manga artist? if not what changes do i need ot get on with before i'd be almost good enough?
and keep those sugestions for music and art coming guys!


]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22359516/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22359516/ Fri, 02 Jan 2009 17:47:45 PST so thing have felt so...un-origanal lately..like in terms of art and music. i feel like the same things just get repeated now. and it's driving me crazy.
so! this is your tast!
please, tell me a manga with a differant plot, link me to a band with a different sound, a fashon line with clothes i've never seen before, a movie that'll suprise me, an artist who's work is origanal, or a i book you couldn't put down~

i don't really care what it is!
i'm like permenetly art-blocked and i want to see new things...i'm sick of watching the same stories being recyled with different characters. i'm tiered of bands that all sound the same.
you guys are amazing, and i'm pretty sure you can come up with some cool stuff if something really stands out to me i'll post it in my next journal and share it with you guys too ^_^

also it was my one year annaversary here on DA
after 187 watchers, 15,112 pageviews and 521 favs i'd just like to thank you all from the bottom of the heart for suporting my art and suporting me in what has been without a doubt the hardest year of my life (not becuse of DA lolol)
thank you all.


also.


]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22284135/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22284135/ Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:34:47 PST any way...
some cool stuff's been going down.
i got yes virginia, no virginia, and who killed amanda palmer, amazing cds that make me happy.
and i aquired some new manga too :^D i didn't excpect much out of christmas becuse of our circumstances. turns out that's the key to my life. not expecting much. :'D
winter break is pretty cool.
things that currently make me happy <3
X hanging out with gayle, martha, and maddy and patrick :3
my new red soda can tab from the monster i just drank
Xdresden dolls/amanda palmer music.
Xmanga.
Xre-watching nosferatu and making up my own diolauge.
X martha's unicorn band aids.

things that curently make me sad Xfeeling that i'm being censored (mabey two of you will get this)
X dan being away in england
xmy stomach that doesn't want to stop hurting
xthe little voice in the back of my head reminding me that at some point i will have to return to school.
today was fun though :> and i'm looking forward to thursday

what are you peeps doing for new years?
i think i'm hanging with tim and matt.

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22266530/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22266530/ Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:25:44 PST sorry i'm so behind on things >.< it was kaites' birthday like last week O_O and i havne't uploaded her birthday art yet O_O _{i feel guilty
it'll be up soon though :'D i have 245 messages right now...and 531 deviations. balls. give me some time folks i've got stuff to work through}


]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22080203/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/22080203/ Sat, 20 Dec 2008 07:02:09 PST well things didn't go as planned at all. couldn't hang out after all :/ and the math the band concert got cancled i was so upset...i hope there wasn't any confusion for other people i feels bad. and the poetry reading thing i was gonna be reading at after school yesterday got canceled as well we had thi giant snow storm, it's wicked pretty at least XD i'm havign alot of trouble looking forward to christmas becuse of cirtan circumstances so i was pretty let down that the things i was looking forward to didn't happen >_< to make things EVEN BETTER, our sepitic tank is like, messed up so there's pootudy all over ( well not anymore after a frightening cleaning extersion) and we had to have people come pump the tank, which is happening as we speak. the smell is not pleasnt my friends, not pleasnt at all. it just goes toshow the story of my life-if it can go wrong, it will. it was stupid of me to get my hopes up anyway. kinda not been feeling so great, the pain's been pretty bad, and i've been having that feeling like everyone's drifting away :/
you-
so i don't have much money, but i'll draw you guys stuff for christmas, what do you want? i luffs you people ya'know?

bah humbug.
i hate christmas.

small edit-
it seems the septic tank in't the problem and to fix what we need to fix, some clog in the pipes, we aren't going to have money for christmas stuffs

nuther edit-
becuse of the problem with the septic tank we can't use our lou, so i might be staying with a family friend or something, for contact email or call/text my cell

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21901714/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21901714/ Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:17:44 PST hai gais!
so yeah my art block is pretty much dead lot's of drawing and writing happening! huzzah! that makes me feel alot better i'm honestly dreading christmas, but math the band is playing a concert nearbyish on the 19 for only 5 bucks :'D so i'm totaly going and then spending the good part of the weekend with fun tiems! if anyone wants details on going to see math the band, let me know and i'll send you some of their music and everything you'll need to know about the concert thier a local band starting to get big and i think it'd be awesome to suport them! come on guys! they put on a good show
i accualy got a 83 on a math test D: that's the best i've EVER done in math!
life continues to be crazy, this week i've been having a really bad time with inscurities (i'm ugly, i'm annoying, 'm stupid, i'm worthless) this happens alot though, and i'm trying to fix it. what will make those feelings/thoughts go away? t might jsut be true though D:
busy week is busy!

~YOU~
tell me~
what do you want for the holidays :3
got any fun plans?!

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21806466/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21806466/ Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:55:29 PST my art slump is pretty much gone now!
you know how sometimes, in order for things to get better they have to get worse? that's what's up folks. and things have been...just insane...and they're gonna be getting even harder. but in the long run they'll get better.
what am i talking about?
note me.
or skype/facebook/email me.
this month is going to be crazier than it's ever been. i had a little week or two where the pain wasn't so bad. now its back. i've been slipping in and out of depression, and that's been a bit stressfull and emotional. alot of people i love need help and i can't help even myself right now so i'm all messed up. bummer. i'm wicked busy and bogged down lately.
hey if you have any art or writing or journals you want my input on, could you link me?
wants me to do the 8 things about me tag, so here it is!
I-i'm crazier than i look
II-i'm saner than i act
III-amanda palmer is my hero
IV-i think penguins, hyenias, bandanas and pop tarts are pretty much amazing
V-i cry easily at movies
VI- i have social anxity disorder
VII-i'm dreadful at maths
VIII-i'm compleatly addicted to engrishfunny.com becuse of

~you~
so what are some poses you'd like to see me draw from?
or fashons?
also, what do you look forward too about the holidays?

p.s. i relized with a laugh that i havne't changed my status from insecure for almost 6 months, but it's the truth :'D

p.p.s
a few awesome bands, including math the band <3, are playing realy close by in mass. tickts are 5 bucks and i could prolly give anyone who wants to go a ride. who' in?

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21568577/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21568577/ Wed, 19 Nov 2008 15:40:44 PST i've been in the hosue for 5 days. i've been coughing up alot and my head seriuosly feels like someone stabbed me. nose blowege and all that, so i'm pretty much the walking deffinition of gross. not sure when i'm coming back to school, my days have begun to consist of old sitcom dvds and tea. not great for moral. i was in school for about 20 minutes on tuesday untill i got sent home from art class, something i odn't like to miss. one bit of good news to those i go to school with, i will be coming back to anime club next week :]
pain mangament does nothing, apperently i'm a basket case with no real problems. jsut emotional damage from...(not saying it in a journal) causeing me physical pain. it was a great big fuck you from the doctors.

i miss peoples.
and i miss drawing
damn this art slump for lasting so long, i think it's been nearly 2 months...
my mind is in the gutter though
feels like everything's been drawn
everything's been writen
every movie's been made. i don't like thinking this way.
but i have been...it sure doesn't help my mood.
i need a sketchbook anyway

anyway shit happened and is about to happen. note me for details, not putting this up in a journal.but i could use some help with this...

you~
what bring you out of an art slump and what song would you use to describe yourself?

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21501974/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21501974/ Sat, 15 Nov 2008 13:42:42 PST ~me~
oh dear
i've got a nasty cold. i'm just gerneraly gross
still having issues with teh depressions and anxity .___. some things can't be said in a journal, note me/email/skype/facebook me if you wanna know what happened. >.>
now what i need help with
i've explained my socail anxity right?
it's kinda getting bad as of late. the good news is that i'm able to identify when i'm getting paranoid, but that doesn't keep me from feeling the way i do right now i've had alot of anxity about gerneraly not being welcome around my friends, or like being unwanted. being a bother. yeah i are paranoid or mabey i really did do something wrong? >___< am i the only one who's ever felt that way? cus i'm freaking out and it makes me feel less and less happy.
~you~
what makes you feel better when you have a cold? i'm smothered @.@
and what's a good movie?

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21420380/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21420380/ Mon, 10 Nov 2008 12:20:12 PST ~me~
failure!
the weekend was kinda crappy =/
aran was on vacation, and me and hung out for the last time before he moves to guam tomorow. blah, sorta adds to teh general crappyness of these days. still in a slump, artisticly and mood-wise. like just being generaly worn out? music and stuff is great but i need more ya know? thie art sluumo needs to go away! @.@ stuff is really hard right now you guys. the same things are bothering me as i stated in the last journal, no point in repeating them ^^now there is one bit of bad news...
the doctors have reached thier conclusion.
for now they're saying the only thing wrong with me is anxity, taking me out of pain management and it doesn't seem they'll be trying to help anymore.
this is end all bad info. this pretty much means i'm stuck like this for life...i i guess they jsut gave up finaly.
anyway
depression is bad but i'm not going down without a fight! see i can say that now becuse i'm having an okay day, but tomorow, or in 5 minutes i might go back to crying and feeling misrable. manic much? i need more coffee in my diet. or not who knows.

~you~
i've been feeling like i'm out of the loop...like not in touch with my friends here and at school. so tell me what's going on with you?
into any good bands?
books?
how's life treating you?

much love to you all

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21312189/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21312189/ Tue, 04 Nov 2008 05:52:12 PST so
a girl in our church, her dad got really drunk, hit her, and got aressted. i'm really worried about her, and i really wish i caould like, fix everyhthing. i wish it had been be who was hit not her. erm so that;s the next thing
she's gonna be living with me @.@
we don't know how long
jsut living with me, in my house for a while. i hope it helps. i reallt wanna help...
bt i'm pretty unstable at the moment as well..i'm fighting depression, anxity, physical pain, and socail anxity @.@ this is gonna be putting off my recovery a while, but it's better to help her i think, than worry bout myself. i'm way nervouse though. see with SAD (socail anxity disorder) the house is like the only safe place becuse there aren't other people there, and now i'm losing that. now i don't really have a home >_< i don't know when i'll be online with her here...she's coming tonight for good. i feel really selfish for not being 100% okay with this, and that makes me hate myself more @.@
erm so i'm still in a weird art slump. i dunno..i feel live everythings' been drawn and everything's been writen.
it's wierd, things that used to make me happy jsut kinda don't anymore.it's like a whole life slump. and i'm freaking out.
i just don't feel like me anymore
thsi is gonna be a weird time for me >_<
thank you so much for teh suport you guys give me, it's seriously the only thing i have going for me know
~a few good things!~
I-me and had a GREAT time on sunday
II-amanda palmer concert in 21 days!
III-i had an amazing halloween with some amazing people :3
IV- bizengast the manga is fecking awesome
V-i mastered creep on the guitar

i'm mostly jsut worried about the girl staying at the house... and about the elections! D:

thanks for readign teh rant

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21231431/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21231431/ Thu, 30 Oct 2008 12:14:38 PDT sorry for my lack of comments/uploads/replys

this isn't jsut an art slump, it's like a life slump. i try to draw, i can't, i try to read i can't get into the book, i try to write, i just can't.
school is really bad.
my health is getting really bad.
i'm just not myself. i understand if i sorta slip off the radiar so to speak. no art means less people pay attention to me and i kinda drift out of everyone's minds. i really don't like that happening but it is. someday, hopefully soon i'm start uploading accual art and be my ussual self agian. i really hope its soon.
it turns out i'm not gonna be able to start working as a street preformer untill the spring, my plans kinda fell through becuse the person who was suposed to be helping is gonna be busy. it's okay, cus he'll be havign more fun this way, but i sorta needed some art stuff so i can get back into my arts, and that might help me out of this depression. it's getting colder though, and if i catch a cold it can be devastating to my already fragile health, so this weekend was kinda my last chance. i was all excited to hang with the lovely but that isn't possabile this weekend :/ of course i'm pretty disapointed cus she's AMAZING to hang out with irl, but we'll work out another time real soon :> so don't worry gayle! <3
it's jsut a disapointing day. i got yelled at by a teacher who said the only thing that's wrong with me is that i'm lazy, no real health problem. i cried WAY too much today. i think i'm just at a low point.
i really look foraward to the day when i'm myself agian, it just doesn't seem to be today, and tomorow isn't looking so good either.
i'm sorry you guys.

also
did you know that and and (how on earth could i have forgoten to put her in the first time? her! ) are the amazing? cus they are.

tagged by
Here's a little tag to keep you entertained!
Rules:
Choose 5 or more friends and post their icons in your journal. For each friend, choose a song that reminds you of them and list it beside their icons. Each friend listed is tagged! Have them post these rules up in a journal and find out what songs remind them of you.

"hybred rainbow" by the pillows
"i walk beside you" by dream theater or "three little birds" by bob marely
pachelbel's cannon in D
"cherry lips" by garbage or "wonderwall" by oaisis, or "pressure" by paramore
sing by the dresden dolls

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21150855/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21150855/ Sat, 25 Oct 2008 06:53:08 PDT i can't really say what i want to here
i mean in a journal so i have to be really vauge. i jsut can't say what's happening in a public jounal in case "someone" reads it.
but i will say
i am being kinda forced to confront someone. like on my own. about somethings that have really messed me up over the years. like...some things that are really painfull and could pretty much change my whole life if i'm honest about. err it's hard to say what i want to, i jsut can't do it here in a journal...but what should i do? confronting this person might be good, i know i have to at some point but now doesn't feel right. i'm kinda a mess in the head at the moment, and iknow if i try to be honest and confront, this person is going to deny it and turn things against me, and i'm not in a strong enough mindset to take that right now..what do i do?
and school is a huge problem right now. teachers aren't sticking to the orginal plan of just giving me the make up work that i NEED to do not all this busywork, i'm pretty close to doomed with the school work right now. and my art slump is not going away and i'm worried that i'll like, never draw agian or something. >_< pain mangement isn't working. at all.
but it's not all bad.
i had a fun time with aran, mike and dillian last night ^_^ we went to iparty, played guitar hero (i was the singer of our band ), then when the other guys left me and aran just watched tv and hung out a while. and i'm inspired. [link] go here and learn how you can help the kids in uganda please. speaking of which, all you deviants here in amarica over 18, get out there and vote kay? i would if i could. i'm low on cash and need art suplise, music (helps the derpession) possible tickets to an amanda palmer concert, books, and most inportantly an antena so my mac gets internet. so i'm thinking on becoming a human statue (type of street preformer)

so i'm pretty much really nervous now. i never thought things would come to this.
gah
how can i fix this??

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21093834/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21093834/ Tue, 21 Oct 2008 11:47:10 PDT people are really getting to me today
like in algabra, this guy was like "sami!" and when i turned around he started pretending he was throwing up, then he was like "you're like that aren't you?" and all his friends laughed at me
then some guy at lunnch said that if i die he wants to use my body and start a company called "rent-a-bitch"
did i like, do something worng hree?
or is it just fun to make fun of people who have illness?

i don't know how or when but my sketchbook got some stuff spilled on it, and all the drawings i was working on got ruined that really got to me. there were a few things in there i was really hopeing on finishing and inking.
now i have to go back to the hospital alot after school for pain management (aka a waste of my time) and therapy. mabey if they spent less time telling me how to deal with the pain and more time thinking on how to make the pain GO AWAY i wouldn't be in this jam. granted the pain has been espesaly bad this week, but i want it gone, i don't care how.
i'm sick of being sick.
i'm sorry for the rant. there are good days and bad days for people dealing with long term health issues,
this is a bad day.

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21043658/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/21043658/ Sat, 18 Oct 2008 08:09:28 PDT ._. alot of people have been fighting and i'm pretty much just trying to keep everyon happy, though i'm not happy myself for the most part. i'm in the middle of virdigo testing, part one was last night and the second part is next wensday. mabey we'll learn what's wrong? i'm at the hospital alot and doing alot of school work, but once a bit of that passes i'll return to anime club and mabey start art club at school ^__^ i dunno what to think about stuff at home anymore, blah life is confusing. a real update will come soon when i can thing clearly

1. Why did you decide to fill this out? Were you bored?becuse dori said too <3


2. How many people on here do you actually know in reality? Post their avatars.
uhhh alot

: ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20958680/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20958680/ Sun, 12 Oct 2008 18:36:42 PDT so my dad read my last DA journal. OOPS if you can't see why that would be a bad thing, go back and read it please; this could mean trouble. he doesn't want me talking about the current situation in my life/house which is why i NEVER have and NEVER will relase my father's name or my last name here on my journal. i don't mean to exploit the issues my family is currently encoutering, however i feel it is vital to seek councel and learn from other people here how i can make itthrough this tough time. i'm jsut trying to learn from my friend's comments and advice. in all honesty my life is a mess right now, things will streghten out, i just need to keep on surviving untill my life is more...livable lol. untill then i'm sorry for the frequent journals and constent ranting; i really am. the suport you guys give me means the world to me, and i hope you don't mind continuing it a lil longer till i'm better. about the sleeping pills- i'm stalling. not really wanting to take them, but i've not slept in about 3 days so....i might take the plunge
on a POSITIVE note
the ultamite frisbee team was accualy really cool; i hung out with the guys a little bit satruday night and the games were really fun! looked cool, i might wanna start a team at our school when i'm better :> later that day i skipped my homecoming dance at school and watched the lord of the rings with aran and mike. it was epic.
OH
and some of you may have noticed i've not been uploading much lately. i've written alot, but i'm hacing a huge art slump o.o any ideas how to get out of an art slump?
if you read all this here's a and thank you very much.

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20901189/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20901189/ Thu, 09 Oct 2008 06:30:02 PDT on top of that, my dad is staying at the house for the weekend we hada pretty bad family meeting, too many hurtful things were said and i can't belive he's already allowd to spend the night at our house. i'm not allowed to stay at a friend's hose bcuse i'm supost to be visiting with my father and brother otherise i'd spend the night at someone else's house...i'm terified, i think i've mentioned to you guys that i have socail anxity before, and S.A really works up at times like this. my dad keeps saying things, about how i'm judgemental how i shut people out, how i'm cold, i jsut feel like a bad person now.
ugh pills, i have to startANOTHER sleep med cus they think the other ones were the reson i was violently ill. so i'm starting lunesta soon, but i'm having second thoughts, the side effects are really bad, and it can lead to addiction.
school is not going so well.i'm passing one class and that's art, i'm drowning in makeup work. and not feeling well.
i never know what to do at school cus i feel sick enough to go home, but if i do it might mean having ot be home alone with my dad
blah. no bueno.

EDIT

OH GOD
my dad is working at MY SCHOOL TOMOROW LUHNksyvk D:<
i'm way scared...this isn't good....
also, i lost my phone.
and i'm running out of eyeliner D:

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20836661/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20836661/ Sun, 05 Oct 2008 06:05:32 PDT my parents are fighting alot, even though my dad isn't suposed to come to the hosue. it's been a week since the split.
i stoped taking the sleeping pills becuse i think they're the reson for soemthing particualy painful/scary that happened on friday (that's why i wasn't in school)
i started school again :> it was kinda nice to go back, alot of people hugged me lol. its kinda scary, everyone got closer to eachother while i was away....it's hard to explain why i've been away when people ask
"were you really in the hospital?"
"ummm yeah"
"are you better now?!"
"er....."
i dunno what to do about all that. it's harder than i thought to transition back into school. i have hospital and thereapy appointments litraly everyday this week 'sept friday i hate bbeing busy with that stuffs its times like this i'd rather be talking with my friends, and at least being happy, even if i'm still in pain. sometimes that's a little much to ask for.DEAR GOD. the make up work. sooo much homework. D:i hate having so much to do at a time when i wanna crawl in a hole and hide from my life.
and i'm pretty sure i'm a bad person.
i'm really sorry for all the negative stuff. i mean, most people aren't bothered me or with reading these anymore, but i just have to get it all out of my head. things are gonna get better soon. they have to...its not all bad i guess. i learned "smells like teen spirit" on the guitar, even the solo! and i got the new boogiepop book. and death magnetic too. WIN
i'm just really sorry for how i've been lately uber thanks to the people who are sticking with me through all this, love you guys ^_^ NEW ART should be coming soon. i have a long day of inking ahead of me :>

and it seems i've been tagged by
1. Post these rules.
2. Each tagged person must post 8 things about their self on their journal.
3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 8 people and post their icons on the same journal.
4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
5. No tag-backs.

1-i'm scared of jack nickolson and goats:C
2-i carry a stuffed animal :C
3-i'm in love with poparts and my skullcandy headphones
4-i'm fairly sure that no one will ever read this, andthat my watchers hate me for my many jounrals
5-i'm currently very cold
6-i'm too shy to talk on the phone or on skype(cept for a few people)
7- i'm a very annoying person
8-i'm really jumpy, and it's easy to make me wince, flinch, or squeek :C

taggs coming soon
i'm really sorry this is so long

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20766098/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20766098/ Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:09:30 PDT i'm most nervous, i'm going back to school tomorow it's been nearly a month since i've been and it's like the first day all over agian! i'm really gonna miss my friends at the hospital i already do. i'm not suposet to be leaving the hospital, becuse my depression and socail anxity has gotten alot worse, allong with my health, but incurence will not pay for me to stay more at the php so...back to school i go. so i'm kinda sad to leave, or at least i WAS untill i relized i'll have more time with now! yaaay i'll have more time to bother people!~ :3 i just wanna warn you guys if i'm not myself, i'm sorry.

and the hilbilly fair was a disaster . it rained. and there were clowns. and goats. mucho thanks to for getting me through the whole thing s can'tthank him enough for his help and suport!!!! anyway, my dad accualy left sunday night. he comes to the house durring the day, but sleeps at my aunt's house. anyway weirdest thing ever, he gave me a fender telacaster (at first i thought it said strat cus my cursive reading is fail D: ) it feels wierd. like, of course i'm out of my mind happy about the guitar, but i don't want to be bought off or anything like that ya'know? it's odd DD i'm quite insane i guess i have alot ot doctors appointments and stuff this week D: it's crazy~ well you guys rock, that is if anyone reads this lolz

oh, and i may be absent on chats a bit. , a good friend of mine had to move and doesn't have internet, so i just feel sad on the chats without him i'll be bakc on in a bit, when life calms a wee bit

love you guys. so sorry this is uber long.

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20675826/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20675826/ Thu, 25 Sep 2008 19:16:04 PDT today, my mum proposed in my family meeting at the hospital that my father and her seperate for a time. not a divorce yet, jsut a trial seperation. he isn't taking it well at all, he's devastted i dunno what else i can say...i saw this coming guys, this shouldn't be a suprise, but it's a bit much to deal with. now, my last day at the hospital! it might be monday, but the program is fighting to keep me longer becuse of the recent events. it's the incurence company that decides all this ultamaitly :/ kinda funny cus this is the time that all the therapy and councel at the hospital would accualy help me but now i'll have to go if the incurence company doesn't give us funding. i'll still be going there often to the therapist and to family council, and bio-feedback, and to visit soem of the specailty doctors though. please take note that the transition from php to school will be far from easy. the suport everyone's been giving me means the world to me!

also, tomorow (friday) i'll be leaving right from php to new hampshire for this huge hilbilly fair D: i'm not really looking forward to it too much...i dunno if my dad is going or not...the house is really tense right now. i'll be avalible by text, and please don't hesitiate to email or note me, i may have time to run to the library in NH ^_^ i'll be returning on sunday as early as possible
the sleeping pills aren't working out so well...i'm feeling alot worse, and they add drasticly to my depression and dizzyness and nausia :/ on top of that they give me retched nightmares. eh i can't go much into detail, but a friend of mine got sent to bradly hospital for some therapy, and he'll have to stay there day and night =/ sucks for alot of resons but also his house was like...a safe zone for me since he lived nearby so now i have no escape from home...

there's alot going on...to say i'm overwelmed is an understatemt. i really have to thank and for the support today. and if you read this and comment or such i'd like to thank you too. where would i be without you guys? it's not a pretty thought.

in the end i guess this is a huge change. i'm pretty scared....

the power to make mistake and move forward

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20602807/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20602807/ Sun, 21 Sep 2008 13:29:37 PDT the sleeping pills are having a pretty bad effect, gonna try and stop taking them once i can. the side effects are depression, thoughts of suicide, nausia, and dizzyness, lol so it pretty much makes everything i already had worse XD it's been really rough these past few days. and it's hard to deal with it all. i'm really sorry for my sorry mood, and depressing rants. i really really apreatiate the comments and notes and suport that i've recived and i hope you don't mind me inposing on your kindness a wee bit longer. ^_^ every day brings a new challange, and it's really hard. but i guess things have to get worse before they get better. there's alot going on, staying at the hospital, trouble with friends, parants fighing (alot)health problems, school work, therapy, anxity lol all at once. it's a bit much aye? but i can get by...i have to say, dan, sam, patrick, gayle, katie....can't that you guys enough. i wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning with out you guys. and i mean that. thank you!
now! i need some sugestions!
i need some stuff like...distractions. any sugestions to a good film, book,song to learn on the guitar, band, or anime? i need something to take my mind off all this ^___^ any ideas?
also, i'll be away next weekend to our cottage in new hampshire. there's a big fair that my grandmum isnsits i attend. oh dear i hate it. i've never gone it alone either, my brother or ali used to come with. so it's bound to be loney :/ i'll be driving up on friday night, and coming home on sunday. :/ text please!
also! the coolest thing happend!
i was on skype with a buncha people, and i was playing something in the way by nirvana and SOMEONE ( >.> ) could even tell what it was!! so happy! any way, this is quite the rant aye? thank you so much if you accualy read any of this
the power to make mistake and move forward

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20554364/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20554364/ Thu, 18 Sep 2008 14:39:44 PDT but things...aren't going well/ not well in the least. i have to go to family counselling ans stuff at the hospital, which sucks. some hurtfull things were said to me there to make me see that i'm even less wanted than i though. ho boy. since i'm at the hospital i don't see my few friends and i can't get home in time to talk to them on the interwebs (in the case that matters most) being away so long draws on my socail anxity- the age old fear of mine that i'm going to be replaced the second i turn my back a moment. 'cept now it accualy happened, and so i feel a thousand times worst. it does't feel safe at the hospital (theres so many people) and idon't feel safe at home (with my family issues right now...) so where do i fit in? where's my little place in the world where i can curl up and be at ease? it doesn't exist i guess. i dreamed so hard for that tiny bit of security from a person or place, and it's a stupid dream of a stupid girl. in summery i guess...i'm just lonely, scared, and abandoned. i just keep telling myself that tomorow will be better, that tomorow i'll see all the great things in my life that were there all along or that i'll just find the courage or person to keep me going....but that hasn't happened.
also, now the doctors are having me take sleeping pills :/
i'm sorry everyone.

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20487722/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20487722/ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 11:15:47 PDT was the star of our school play, and i went to see it twice xD gah he did an amazing job! and danced so amazingly, and the sets rocked thanks to !
after the show last night, i went to the cast party. it was sorta fun, but it was one of the most loney times ever ._. it's not like eveyrone wasn't friendly, cus they were, it jsut felt like...everyone else was part of this world (including my best friend), and i could never exist in it...everyone was really nice and stuff but...i just don't belong. it was like they were all uber close and i sorta...just watched. i guess this sounds really lame, but it;s just the truth. i'm just insecure at heart eh? it was worth it to see patrick though.and THAT was awesome, i don't think i've ever glomped anyone quite so hard! i hate not hanging with him durring the day i'll be at the hospital again this week, and that sorta puts a damper on my mood cus i'm pretty much on my own the whole week. is back and that maketh me happy though :> anyway. the struggle continues, just gotta try and work through everything and hope i'll have another one of those few moments that make me feel like life is worth all this. i think i need one of those.
love you all

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20462165/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20462165/ Fri, 12 Sep 2008 20:40:41 PDT
PHP (patrial hospitalization program) isn't going so well for me. it just isolates me from the people i need in life, and adds to my depression. my mood effects my health, and the cyle continues
today was jsut really wierd. like i kept feeling as if i'm about to cry trying to hold it back D:< gaaah. and i'll not be able to talk to for he is on a rafting trip i belive. i odn't have to tell you guys AGAIN how insane i go when this happens.my anxity is getting a bit unbarable. i'm not feeling so well too. like i never am lol, but becuse of some emotional, and phcysical stress my pain has been getting worse for the time being. some of you know whats going on, and some of you wanted me to tell you but i haven't yet. and i wil llike. now. lol
i'm behind on alot. and i'm way sorry, i love you guys! i'll be catching up on comments, notes and devations more tomorow and possibly tomorow :'D comments and notes make me happy so i feel bad that i haven't repsonded quickly D: =/
today was sorta fun cus i mangaged to get to the school to see patrick's play it wasn't easy, but it was so worth it, he's amazing! totaly my hero now :3 and isabella was the most awesome of all the thechies, make sure you thank her! maddy was awesome too, fantabuslous danceing i'm uber glad i made it, and it meant the world to me i really wish i could have talked to parick, but i'm sure he's being baraged by attenion and such lol ^_^ everyone's busy...so i'm on my own pretty much now. i dunno, i can't shake this feeling, like hernest hemingway said "even in a crown, i was always alone." that's compleatly true right now. i have a thousand other things on my mind, but for now i'm knackered.

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20408639/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20408639/ Tue, 09 Sep 2008 15:05:02 PDT
i've never felt so isolated and alone as i do now.and it's staring to get to me, big time. the best part is that no one seems to notice or care. ho boy i sound "emo" or just plain stupid now,and i hate that but this is just how i feel. if you wanna know what's up. note me or ask me to note you, like i said i can't say things here....

edit~
sorry i'm so behind on comments and notes guys, i'm compleatly worn out.

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20344713/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20344713/ Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:45:28 PDT oh god i hate it so much. there's no time for me to be alone, i'm not allowed cell phones or computers and i'm not even allowd to go to the bathroom without a nurse watching me o.o i'd prefer being in school! and group therapy is terrifying to me! and i feel so isolated there...i hate it, i really can't wait untill it's over and i can go back to my school and home and i miss my friends from school ooodles D:
yeah it sucks, BUT i have alot to me thankful for
i few of my friends have been so amazing...and you know who you are. you guys mean the world to me DX s i know i've been really down and sometimes depressig or pessimtistic, but i will be getting better, and your patiance with me is awesome. sorry you guys have to put up with all that >.<
so it's sorta tough right now, lots of highs and lows.
also, my mum says that if anyone wants to come visit, they can jsut drop by lol, she doesn't mind. ^_^ i miss you guys, and this is gonna be a tough few weeks, but thanks to your suport i have faith that i can get by.
~ the power to make mistake and move forward ~

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20329316/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20329316/ Thu, 04 Sep 2008 17:58:31 PDT o.o and no guitar...i'll be there from 7am to 3:30 pm alot of my friends at school an in the area have been asking about visiting, turns out there are no visitors allowed however, i'll be free of weekends and around the time you guys get out of school. lina, patrick, sara, ryan enos, fiji and a few other people know where i live, if you wanan visit, give me a call on the house phone (note me for the # ) and i'll clear it w/ the rents and pop on over here. i'll miss you guys, for some reason i really didn't wanna leave school today O.O
i belive this is the programe i'll be going into [link] i'm waaay sorry about the plethora of journals T_T but i've been asked to keep people up to date and i'm to exhasted to like, note people. i'll most likely be posting another journal tomorow about how my first day goes this whole thing freaks me out, i hate the hospital and i hate being isolated, so i'm really sorry i'f i'm a cunt to you >.< i'm sorta panicing...

Xx also, i'm still in dire need of markers D: i do have alot of sketches and a new..weird piece that i'm almost done with

XX also also, does anyone have an exrta guitar pick? i don't always play with one but i'ts like...a security thing for me, if i can't keep my guitar i carry my pick around, i know it's silly >///< it just makes me feel better, but i dropped my pick in my guitar and it isn't coming out

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20307190/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20307190/ Wed, 03 Sep 2008 12:43:30 PDT i thought i had another week, but they wanted me in sooner i guess...i'll be leaving school early tomrow and i'll not be in at all on friday. second week of school and nothing is going right. i'll be crashing at home after my days at the hospital, but i'm gonna try my best to get to patrick's play.
tomorow intake begins, sorta liike getting to know the people ans stuff and i'll be admitted to the hasbruo hospital on friday. it'll be a long 2 weeks (mabey three) of therapy and group therapy, and family counceling, and pain managemt and observation. i'll be online though, not as much.


]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20266543/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20266543/ Mon, 01 Sep 2008 07:29:38 PDT anywhoodles
real art is sorta on hold sadly...art suplize shortage for me D: sucks too cus i have some sketches that i reaaaally wanna ink. but i need some new markers/pens. i was gonna go out and get some this weekenend, but (hooray) iended up throwing up a bunch insteed, and i dunno when i'll have spare time between family conflicts and stuff... sorry for all the silly stuff i've been posting D:
i'm still a nervous wreck about the hospital, and i don't think that's gonna change untill i get it done with. i'll be going to the hospital again this week for another bio-feedback session, and to set up the arangemts for my long term stay
and yeah my anxity has been way out of hand lately...two people accualy listened to me about the socail anxity issues, and didn't jsut call me a freak and leave, those people like...need magor hugs of greatfulness and sami love. D: mucho thanks to everyone who's been pataint and understanding with me these past few days. i'm sorry for being such a freakabout things

so what does a freak do to take her mind off things?

she sets up her new computer
yush i got a new mac mini with a cinema display screen (SWEET) and somehow have managed to set it up :'D sounds simple but i tell you the truth, i'm like...computer retarded....so i'm pretty happy with how it's going so far few little problems, biggest is that i think my usbport thingie (ys know you plug it in one usb port and it has like 4 usbports in one?) might be dead, i dunno stuff doesn't work when it's plugged into it, but the little light is on! ;_; meaning i can't plug in the wireless antena and get interwebs thar. i'll save up and buy a new one, yes, but i'm divying up my money between art supilize, computer stuff, and the new metalica album that comes out in 12 days! i'd really like to get that set up as asap though, so i can skype with my new webcam (even though there's like only one person i'd be doing so with lol) school is taking it;s toll. i hate it.
guitaring is going pretty well. i'm still a noob of course, but i've learned a few chords and "soemthing in the way" by nirvana gonna try and learn another song by the time i stay in the hospital, yes i'm taking me guitar O_O i'm sorry for all thr jourals, i'm sure you're all very annoyed with me D:
the power to make mistake and move forward

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20234218/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20234218/ Sat, 30 Aug 2008 10:47:51 PDT and i'm really sorry about the hurricane of depresstion i've been throwing at you all D:
i just can't stand lying, saying things are okay when clearly things are not alright. and honestly, things are still rough. i'm really nervous about the hopital stay and stuff at school isn;t going well, and yes as as i already told you all, i'm having an awful time with friends and whatnot. that's all still true, and it's an ongoing struggle for me. butit's a struggle that you've all been helping me with . i relise it's not terrificly exciteing to see a depressing journal, and i also know that you're all dealing with you own issues and moast of you are having jsut as hard a time as i am. everyone who
s commented on a journal, and suported my art, you gais rock! a few people in peticualr have been giving me extra guidence and suport (oh please you SO know who you are )

so i just wanted to thank you all for your suport and encouragement. you all have a place in my heart. your contiuned suport means the world to me.
the hospital stay is most likely going to be next week, and the following week. depending on how i do, i could be there for 1-3 weeks. i'll be sleeping at home though, so you'll still hear from me a bit ^_^ i'm honestly out of my mond nervous about this, it'll be stuff like group therapy (for "pain mangament") and medical observation. and i hate those things ;_; they very well may end up stirring up a few things for me, and thaqt will most likely result in yet more of me being upset, and i apologies for that in in future.

~arts update~

yeah i accualy have been arting quite a bit, but i'm in major need of markers and pens D: that's why hardly anything has been uploaded, i don't have the right colors and wahtnot please if you'll pay for a commision just let me know! starving artist is starving!
i'm working on your drawing for catching my 10,000th, i just need the markers to ink her ;__;
i need markers before i can ink our colab! i' sorry!!!

~the power to make mistake and move forward~

thank you for your continued suport.

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20205188/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20205188/ Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:30:25 PDT it all got worse

i'll be staying in a hospital for about 2 weeks (3 at the most) insteed of going to school. i'll get the accual date as to when that's gonna happen soon. i'll be in the next few weeks. i'll be sleeping at home, but i'll be at the hospital for 7 hours a day insteed of school or home. i massivly don't want to but i know it have to to get better. i'll be online a bit at those times, but not as much

school isn't going well at all. i litraly never see my friends unless its a quick glimps in the halls. i'm sure they don't care. they sure don't seem to. it's hard getting through a day of school when you feel sick the way i do, i had to go home early yesterday. my friends say they have time for me, but no one's really followed through with that. i love you all though. i just know i'm not a ton inportant to you guys. remember hernest hemingway? he once said "even in a crowd i was always alone" that's my life. i just can't stop crying, and when i cry too much i throw up, so i need to get over this...fast, becuse my health is going poorly as is.
once again i'm sorry for the rant, i know you all have alot on your mind too. i jsut wanna go back to being me i can't stand being depressed and sad all this time. you suport means the world to me. pretty much the only good part of the past week has been skypeing with
please any sugestions you have as to inproving this sort of mood...please tell me

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20165860/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20165860/ Tue, 26 Aug 2008 11:51:37 PDT today was the first day of school. and honestly?

i don't think i can make it through this year.
i litraly have no friends in any of my classes, the guidance counceler didn't fufil her promise, and i was left with a bunch of teachers who didn't know or understand about my health condition. luckily i was in so muchpain from being sick all day that i hardly cared while iwas in class. i was fighting tears the whole day, untill now, i just gave up and started crying. can't do this....walking down a rough path is tough, but it's even harder to do it alone. i don't know what to do...i hate asking for help, and anyone with a long-term health problem understands this. i hate it when people treat me like i'm so sick i'm going to fall apart and that i need to be babied, but now trying to do things like a functional person i fail, so whats the point? i'll be misrable either way. i'm sorry for the rant, i'm jsut at a loss here.
i might not be around much today, i have to see pain-managment pychologests at the hospital in a few minutes. and yay, all my friends are too busy at the moment for me. i'm so sorry for being in this mood, but i'm not dealling so well. and honestly when i tried lying and saying everything was fine i jsut hurt myself more. i guess you all deserve honesty.

the power to make mistake and move forward

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20115280/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20115280/ Sat, 23 Aug 2008 14:55:56 PDT new metalica album september 12, buy it, love it!

anywhoodles
school on tuesday, yup yup. not really looking forward to it, but i'll be better when i get back into the swing of things. i hope. that or i'll be worse off :'D my social anxity has really been taking it's toll.

i love my guitar. trying to learn "somthing in the way" by nirvana anyone here able to play it?
yeah so...
been having alot of mood swings..for that means "happy--> deprestion. honeslty i have my resons. and one or two people know them. i can't talk about em in my journal and to the people who'd been helping me through things, i really can't thank you enough. it means alot that a few people care enough to see me though all this, or at least take the time to pretend they care not having the best of times. but i have one or two resons to carry on. jsut hoping i don't lose them ;_; i'm paranoid like that
you will be missed on the chats, praise be to skype though :3 no way am i gonna stop bothering you ^_^

the power to make mistake and move forward~

p.s.
i think you all should know...robin hood is a communest. (dan discovered this yesterday, just thought i should spread the word)

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20084301/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20084301/ Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:07:43 PDT caught my 10,000'th page review last night! !! many thanks to all the people who suport my art and continue to do so! i love you guys! =3
[link]
so i've been playing guitar lots now. i freakin love it!! yus yus i'm a noob :3 but has been helpin my lots and once i have a webcam it'll be even easier to learn from him
eh..i had a meeting with the school today :< they don't think i can make it to and from classes without passing out so i have to have someone escort me X_X so not looking forward to that, seeing how i hardly have friends at the school and i duobt they'd be willing to (except )...i guess i jsut don't wanna trouble anyone, this totaly stresses me out
but hey it's not all bad.
my brother is getting driven back to his univirsety tomorrow so i'll have the house to myself for a bit.later i'm going to a concert with two of my friends. not the best bands playing but hey still fun.
me thinks i'll start a mosh pit.
i'm a but nervous about school, but it mostly that i don't want to lose touch with the people that matter most to me. but thannkfully i have a few friends to boost my mood. yeah i got down a bit, but make me laugh untill i stopped being sad lol. ^^ things will be okay, but i really need to be reminded of that sometimes!

the power to make mistake move forward

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20035564/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/20035564/ Tue, 19 Aug 2008 05:33:04 PDT
omgeee i got my geetar back. so happy. i lvoe it ^_^
last night i accualy got to skype with the amazing and i tell you it was the best time ever lolol awesomeness!

but school starts soon.
the only thing i'm really worried about is that people will like..forget about me once it's started. really stupid but i think i'm way more insecure than i let on. am i going to be alone all school year? i worry a bit to much, but i've been abandined a lot of friends and i think this is jsut residudal effects of said abandonment.
also, tonight i'll be having a medical test done called biofeedback.[link]
i wasn't suposed to have it done untill november but someone else canceled so i'm going in at 4-ish to have this done. not to nervous. but i'd rather be here
also i just wanted to publicly thank she's so the coolest! been giving me someone to talk to and she's a great friend and artist alot of people have been helping me threw my rough times and i'm thankful to you all ^_^

the power to make mistake and move forward

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19931812/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19931812/ Wed, 13 Aug 2008 10:12:44 PDT much is happeneing D:

i have almost 10,000 page reviews O.o if you get the 10,00th page review, or close to it, prove it to me, and i'll draw you something okay?

excitedness-me and might get to go to the zoo!i love the zoo! or we'll rent a movie and hang out! yayness either way! :'D good thing too cus is in england for a bit T_T luckily he'll still have interwebs at some times ^_^
oh! and me and the amazing had like, an awesome time...too awesome for words :'D we went to an arcade and got sushi, and took a bum load of pics and set up our own yourtube channel with vids of us playing DDR we are so hanging out more she's uber cool!

there's alot of other stuff going on too...but only a few people know about that stuff >.>i'll keep ya'll updated...there are some things i can't say in a journal ya know? skype chat me, note me, email me or such for info on such matters

question of the day-
how do you deal with anxity or stress?

thanks for reading my lovilies!

~the power to make mistake and move forward ~

also....

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19857857/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19857857/ Sat, 09 Aug 2008 06:51:52 PDT health update!-
the results of the impedimence test came back negative, emaning that i don't have acid reflux...
well on thursday me and went to see the dark knight, and OMG it's so awesome. we had waaaay too much fun before and after the movie, hanging out and are possibly scared for life from a few skeevy people we saw O.O
aaaand on sunday me and are gonna meet up in newport at an arcade should be fun!

ALSO the ever amazing made me THE BEST THING EVER!!!!! [link]
how cool is that?! haha that made my day

hmm i have a drawing to ink today, sorta not amazing but i hope i'll be able to post it later on ^_^ not feeling great though, the dizzyness has gotten worse, and becuse of this i can't really go out much at least not without someone to call 911 should i colapse :'D

becuse of dan's encouragment, i accualy posted a poem the other day, it got pretty good reaction! my question of the day, would you like to see more poems by sami?
love you all!
~the power to make mistake and move forward~

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19810180/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19810180/ Wed, 06 Aug 2008 14:06:00 PDT uhhh i was tagged like a long time ago by dori and didn't do it untill now >.> sorry

1. GRAB THE BOOK NEAREST TO YOU, TURN TO PAGE 18, AND FIND LINE 4.
uhhh its a book pat let me borrow and i haven't read it yet...
2. STRETCH YOUR LEFT ARM OUT AS FAR AS YOU CAN. WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING?
nuttela
3. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU WATCHED ON TV?
malcom in the middle

4. WITHOUT LOOKING, GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS
HAMMER TIME!

5. NOW LOOK AT THE CLOCK. WHAT IS THE ACTUAL TIME?
4:54....damn

6. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE COMPUTER, WHAT CAN YOU HEAR?
36crazyfists- arouroa

7. WHEN DID YOU LAST STEP OUTSIDE? WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
i was at therapy

8. BEFORE YOU STARTED THIS SURVEY, WHAT DID YOU LOOK AT?
chat with dan and pabl

9. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
black and plaid trip pants studded choker, megadeth dogtag, dream theatere wristband, sid vicous chain, black tank top, key to said sid chain, two bottle tabs, one orange one blue

shirt with 10. DID YOU DREAM LAST NIGHT? IF SO, WHAT?
madia yelled at me, i had an enturage, got killed

11. WHEN DID YOU LAST LAUGH?
just now

12. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS OF THE ROOM YOU ARE IN?
like, a billion pics of anime stuff, malice mizer poster, 24 poster, old emily strange callender, somthing that holds cards that i made in wood tech class and like...a ton of other shit

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS QUIZ?
becuse you touch yourself at night!

15. WHAT IS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW?
clerks II LMAO

16. IF YOU BECAME A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE OVERNIGHT, WHAT WOULD YOU BUY/DO?
buy the house next to dan, buy a new guitar and buy dan socks (dan if you don't remember that conversation i'm gonna look sooooo creepy )

17. TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOU I DON'T KNOW.
i painted ryan's toenails!

18. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT THE WORLD, REGARDLESS OF GUILT OR POLICIES, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
no more wars. really.
19. DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE?
yeha but i suck at it

20.GEORGE BUSH:
is a motherlikcingcokmunching CUNT that "replied" to my angrey note with an automated respnse

21. IMAGINE YOUR FIRST CHILD IS/WILL BE A GIRL. WHAT WOULD YOU CALL HER?
ninamori

22. IMAGINE YOUR FIRST CHILD IS/WILL BE A BOY. WHAT WOULD YOU CALL HIM?
mabey judus....

23. WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER LIVING ABROAD?
didn't oyu already read? i'ma be a millionare and move to germany accualy i wanna go to japan

24. WHAT DO YOU WANT GOD TO SAY TO YOU WHEN YOU REACH THE PEARLY GATES?
i want god to look at me in the eye and say "i listen to slayer"



also good news- dan's finaly back so you don't have to hear me complain about him being gone every time i post a jounral also that means that sami's bad moods will me less frequent >.> sorry agian for flipping out on ya'll! i love you guys!

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19754034/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19754034/ Sun, 03 Aug 2008 14:27:28 PDT it seems our stalker (unsub/unknown subject to be correct) MAY have created another account. i do not want to create mass hystaria on DA, i just want everyone to be safe.
the account i notced caught my eye for a few resons-

-some of his faves have comments by known, banned accounts of the previos offender
-his writing style is the same
-his account was activated recently
-he makes refrences to socks in both his poems, like like ~onlystokings... (another one of the banned acounts we CONFERMED was a preditor)

my concern is to keep the people i cherish safe, i am sorta putting myself in danger by posting this, but its for your own good i DON'T KNOW FOR SURE if i'm right or not, so i am not going to post the account name here in my journal. however, please be safe, and be careful. we will deal with him agian if my susposions are right, theres' no cause for alarm-please jsut be safe- also, if yo know who i'm talking about, don't flame his page....that's not helping ^_^
if you'd like more information, please jsut note me

on a personal note, i'm not feeling myself at all i've been in a major art slump, and that doesn't help. i've got alot on my mind , alot to worry about. so my question is what makes you stop worrying?

only good news- DAN COMES BACK TOMROW!!!!!!
much love to those who still read my journals and pay attention to my crappy art

sami hasa case of the lonelies ;_;

^_^

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19732538/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19732538/ Sat, 02 Aug 2008 09:01:17 PDT what happened is that there was a danrous man on DA targetting sevreal of my friends. he set up many accounts, i think ther was about 7, and was incredilby frightening, threatening, and allinating to a few girls here on DA. as of yesterday, all his accounts were banned, allong with (hopefuly) his IP adress. i didn't want to post a journal about it directly before he was gone becuse once he knows who knows what, he might have gone after more people. i just wanna keep everyone safe! ^_^ if anyone wouldlike more details about what happened, please note me and i'll explain it all in depth- however i can say that this man was not jsut some jerk playing games, he really was a threat to us. at the time being, his accounts are all banned, however, if you notice anyone being inaproiraite or suspious, please contact myself, and or the DA authorities. please don't let your gaurd down, and stay safe. there is no cause for panic, if he (or another like him) appears again, we will deal with him.


lol i had a great time last night at the play "as you like it" with ! it was awesome! i'm really worn out from dealling with the stalker dude, and i have a problem of my own now that i've been losing sleep over. i'm pretty worried about it, but i'm trying to keep my chin up! >w< the support my few friends have given me means alot to me! i'm sorry for having so many journals that are always so long D: i love you if you read all this! at least dan will me home soon!
also, i'm sorry for the lack of art..i have a ton of ideas for drawings but i'm still in an art slump as soon as i'm out of this slump there will be more uploads and i'll finish the art trades!

the power to make mistake, and to move forward~

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19713443/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19713443/ Fri, 01 Aug 2008 06:59:36 PDT
oookeys jeric wanted me to do the 8 things about me tagg, here it is!
1x i just thrw up three times D:
2x i've been sick for 13 months now
3x i'm in an art slump! D:
4x i miss
5x my fave foods are cookies, twizzlers, strawberrys, yakisoba, and yakitori :3
6x i'm accualy a nerd! i love star wars and lord of the rings, reading, and learning japanese! see i'm not as cool as i seem!
7x i'm even more of an otaku than a nerd! i even cosplay >.>
8x i have neon orange hair (it's faded from swimming atm, but i'll re-dye it) and kitty ears on a headband i almost always wear!

ahhh~ excitement! tonight i'm gonna go see "as you like it" the play with one of my best friends!!! and DAN'S COMING HOME SOON AHHHHHHHH YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19649357/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19649357/ Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:08:16 PDT the reflux test was pretty much horrible it was really painful >.< then i went camping.
i climbed a freaking 3000 foot mountain! haaaah! and at the sumit, 2 guys started hitting on me O.o freaky...
so while camping-
i got my first sunburn...(i lost my sunburn virginty!)
i dislocated my toe
my tent flooded at 2 am in the middle of a thunder storm
i got NO sleep (i mean NO sleep)
and i missed you all very much!

and i have to say-i'm really worn out from it all lol. so i'm sorry if i'mnot on as much as i ussualy am in these next days, i'm sorta catching up on some things ^_^ i'll be back to my DAobbsessed self in due time okay? there's a ton going on all at once so i'm really busy for a few days! if you'd like to caontact me, i'd love to hear from you, drop me a note or email, or chat with me on skype i'm still hear to listen to you all, i might just be slow in replying @.@ in about a week or so things should calm down ^_^ i'll be doing my best to find time for you all! miss you guys! >.< but most of all
...I MISS DAN! get back here you!

and omg i owe people art~ i'm working on
a piccy of 's oc
a remake of a drawing by
i'll finish them up soon >.< i'm likereally sorry it's taken so long!

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19589061/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19589061/ Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:16:36 PDT
and from tonight untill sunday i'll be camping with the youth group agaisnt my will lol
i'll miss you all very much! text me if you love me and i'll fill you all in on details in a joural soon!

thanks to everyone who gave me thier support yesterday while i was complaing and crying lol s i couldn't ask for better friends, no matter where you are!

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19541209/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19541209/ Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:54:58 PDT my friend was relaying messages beween me and a guy in the DAhelp chat, and aparently there is a problem with the server i was told
" manaskap: This is a currently known issue with the system. Just tell them to keep trying. It's not specific to one person so some refreshes should get past it til the programmers work out the kink. " and i was way happy that hey were friendly about it, i'm sure a ton of people have been asking them D: THANK YOU!!

now a bit of discouraging stuff-
i was at a manga and anime lecture when the leader( a guest speaker at cons and such) reviewed my art portfolio, and.....he compleatly crushed me. i was pretty disapointed in myself, all he did was point out alot of things i do wrong...the poses aren't good, the faces don't look right, the porpotions are wrong, i can't draw hands, i can't draw bodies, my art looks flat....i ended up crying lol. the stuff he said really got to me, i have some low self esteem when it comes to my art. i think most of you know that drawing means alot ot me, and my dream in life is to be a manga creater. what the man (ed sutherland) did was make me feel like that wouldn't be possible and that scares me >.< alot....
however a few of my friends talked me out of my little depressive episode, and thier suport really means alot to me. that was the first real bad feedback i've gotten on my art because i don't show it to many people, so it was pretty hard to take for me...but you know what, i love to draw, and one lousey review isn't going to stop me from doing what i love. i'm still not sure i'm any good, but i sure hope i will me. look for my name on book shelevs guys...
thanks to everyone who has been giving me encouragement and company in all this, it means alot to me at the end of the day! and uber thanks to sam, kabeer, trevor, manas ans josh for keeping in touch with me even when i can't chat on devART...i miss everyone!

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19519254/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19519254/ Mon, 21 Jul 2008 13:37:09 PDT lol accualy i'm sure things are gonna be worked out i left a note at the help desk, and i'll bet they'll see to it that this is sorted out :> however, if any of you have and advice i'd love to hear it!
the message i get is-

'Flash' [ Initialized ]
Opening connection to: 'chat.deviantart.com'
Connected to 'chat.deviantart.com' [OK]
Failed to logon as '' reason: [ authentication failed ]
You have been disconnected. Reason: [ no login ]

i've rebooted and cleared my cookies! D: but that doesn't seem to be what's wrong. untill things get worked out, please contact me on my skype chat, gmail chat, or a note, cus i miss you guys!
much love

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19471882/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19471882/ Fri, 18 Jul 2008 20:11:36 PDT
TODAYX
today me and went to a japanese film fest! it was soooo fun! we took pics in the bathroom, and did an art colab, and ate twizzlers, and laughed alot, and did a vlog! hehe! and gayle, we are SO hanging out more! that was awesome! (cup stealer) the movies were sorta wierd though, and that's coming from someone who loves japanese film. the first was about some amarican girl who stole cups from old people and her pedo teacher, wtf? so yah me and are uber friends nao, with care-bear proof! check out her art, it rocks

TOmORWX
black ships festival! the anual festival of japanese culture that i drool over everyyear! i'll be there for a good part of the day. i'm gonna try and get some feedback on my art i always have a super time there! then tomorow night i'm going to an anime fest!
sundayX japanese films in jamestown, dunno if it's anime or not both rock!
now the rest is inportant
thursdayX
remember that uber scarey test that i was suposed to have done the day before my bday?[link] it's to see if i have acid reflux disorder. well i'm finaly getting it done :> i'm scared really, but i had a good talk with someone awesome about it, and we both think that it's necicary, i guess talking about it gave me a wee bit of corage. you know who you are! thank you! i'm nevous about it...but i have suport by the people who matter most
fridayX
i'm ending the test (it takes 24 hours ) and as if that wouldn't wear me out enough, i'm going camping later that day! i'll be campting at camp manatonok in NH untill sunday with my youth group. i'm not sure i really want to, i'm gonna miss the hell out of you guys i love ya'll!

now on a related note, i sorta noticed a slack in comments and such. i know i might sound paranoid, but i really sorta feel like alot of my frieds are forgetting about me did i do something wrong?
i'm really sorry for all the uber long journals, but they are mostly to help me sort out my thoughs and such i'm sorry if they are a burden for you guys, and i really aprecate the few of you who read them and comment s and love to you! i... ]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19444537/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19444537/ Thu, 17 Jul 2008 11:17:31 PDT wtf? bench?oh wait yeah sorta...

Have you kissed a lot of people?
No,i get kissed more then i kiss

What's a fact about the last person who called you?
He has glasses and his name is patrick!

Can you sleep in jeans?
dude i don't wear jeans.

Would you rather have loved and lost, or never have loved at all?
ugh they both suck D:

Have you ever streaked across a football field?
Not yet!

Your most recent ex says he/she hates you, you say:
say "it's okay, i hate me too"

Who do you trust the most in your life?
partick, dan, fluffy, mark, trevor, and sam

Who was the last person you were in a car with besides your family?
patick!!

Are there songs that remind you of certain people?
yep! almost all of them! lol

What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
hmm....black ships festival, talking to dan, going to nh with pat (hopefuly)

Are you happy with where you are relationship wise now?
lol! of course not!

What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
being beaten by patrick's little brother in an arm werstling match, then beating patrick by making him laugh "oh look a feather! no i'm not gonna get disttacted!!"

Do you find it easier to forgive or forget?
depends on the situation me thinks.

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
yes...

Who was the last person you yelled at?
uh he knows who he is.
Do you know anyone who's addicted to any drugs?
yes...

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
i didnt' sleep! i threw up alot!

Where did you sleep last night?
umm...look up dude. well i dozed off on the bathroom floor a bit. classy

Did you have a good day yesterday?
not really. but it wasn't aweful

What was the highlight of today?
talking with a friend :>

Do you hate anyone?
unfortunelty...

Do you regret anything?
lol! i regret alot of things, but hey, if i didn't mess up then i'd never learn

Have you ever collapsed on the bathroom floor?
lol! yes! happens alot

Whens the last time you bought something?
hmm last week!

Have you ever told someone you love them?
>.> yes

Do you play an instrument?
i used to play viola and piano, i'm i'm currently trying to get my guitar robert paulson, back so i can learn guitar agian

What are you doing tomorrow?
going to a japanese movie festival, studying japanese, drawing, bothering friends when i can

What's the reason behind your myspace display name?
i has no myspace! should i?


Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
that waffle i just ate was really good, might get another, i need to streighten my hair!, yey music, i'm gonna get another waffle,haha! i eyeliner is smudgy :3 how much longer is dan gonna be away??D: where's pat??? D:

Is there anyone you call baby?
lmao! yeeeeees jokingly though

Have you ever got naked at a party?
not yet, should i?

How late did you stay up last night?
around 2 i went to bed, but i fell asleep around 7

Is your phone within a meter radius of you?
aye

What are you wearing?
shorts, a black tank top, a black and white stripped sweatshirt, studded belt, studded choker, my sid vicous lock necklace, megadeath dog tags,

Miss someone right now?
yeah i'm rather pathetic like that

Are you high?
nopes

Do you have any enemies?
hahahahaha! yes http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19378158/ Sun, 13 Jul 2008 19:21:40 PDT i know i've been really down lately, for a few resons, some of which i posted in my journals, some that very few of you know. well those things are still bothering my honestly. but the response from my dear friends, and even a few people that are sorta jsut starting to know me, really made me stop and think. like a cirten very awesome friend took time out of his vacation in greese to listen to me and made me feel a ton better, a few people i just met talked to me and listened to me, and some people even said that i made them feel better for doing simaler things for them, and i sorta just got to thinkin about the better parts of life. i spent alot of time drawing, and that calms me down, and of course i listened to a ton of bob marely and i even got to chat with dan! hells yah! please know i still have alot on my mind, and yes i'm still feeling rather down. and i'm struggleing with alot right now. but thanks to a few really great people, i think i can pull through. this has been a really tough couple of months, full of crazy ups and downs, and you know what? that's how my life is. i have to deal with every little problem in the world all at once, and that may be how my life will always be. but from all the crap i've gone through i learn something new about how to help other people, and i learn more about how to help myself. there are a good number of people, most of which are here on DA that i can say are my reson for falling out of bed with s smile on my face ever morning. really i don't think i could have made it through all this without some of you. and i know i say that like every 8 minutes but it's waytrue you all mean something to me, and i know this is totaly out of line and i don't deserve this...but i'd just like to beg you guys to be a paitenet (sp?) with me and please keep on beinging the terrififc friends you all are. i need you guys more than ever now, and bit by bit i'll be able to more foreward. and same goes for you! jsut cus i'm a wreak, doesn't mean i don't wanna help you out okay? if you ever need me, i'm here for you
uber-duber thanks and lurv-filled cookies (not in a wierd way) to and and to all my other friends, you know who you are, and i lurv you even if your name aint up here sorry this is so long agian! T_T really sorry! thanks for your time

Xx the power to not fear mistake and move forward xX

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19342359/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19342359/ Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:35:04 PDT
i stayed in a cottage owned by my family on lake pawtukaway. my whole family lives near there so i had to attened a bunch of parties and events with them not cool... the whole time i was baiscily being remimnded that i'm the black sheep of the family. "what did you do to your hair?" "what different clothes...." "oh look the goth is still in a sweatshirt even though it's 90 out!" (i was cold okay?! )my family accualy refers to me as "the goth" i hate it. i can dress the way i want. of course everyone loves my brother "collage boy" my grades suck cus i was out sick most of the year. deal. and when i wasn't being put down for my clothing or music choices, all people cared about is me being sick. don't get me wrong, i understand that some people accusly care wether i live or die, and feel bad to see me on the edge like this. but I HATE PITEY. having people just plain feel bad for you cus of something you can't controll gets old fast. it's been a year now of me being sick, and i'm tierd of everyone just treating me like the little sick girl. i'm not just some hospital patant! I'M SAMI MARTASIAN. and i hate treated like anything less then that. sorry but it's true. just i get upset when people look at me like i'm breathing my last, or like i'm about to break. yes, i'm having some health problems. and yes they get in the way of me doing what i want to do. wooptefreakindoo. but the truth it, saying things like "oh it must be so hard", should you be eating that?" "you lost so much weight" just make me feel worse about my self. and that's all i got. people who say they love me (oh who are we kidding, we all know they don't ) treating me like i'm incapible. i already had to give up on aikido, which i love imensly, i already can't hang out with friends at times and spend my my saturday nights at the hospital. i didn't want my ilness to even take over my converstanions. but too late for that now. there are a few other things that have brought me to tears over the past few days, but if you accualy care, note me or something, cus i don't wanna lsit it all out here.

i'm really sorry for ranting you guys. but i've been on the brink of depression for the past few days, and just bottleing everything up is gonna make it all worse. i'll replace this journal with something more upbeat once ican see the more up beat side of life. mabey tomorow i just really needed to get that out of my system. i htink i did more crying that n anything else on this trip lol. i missed YOU ALL greatly. yes you. lol i'll update you all on the other events of the past few days tomorow ^_^ this is enough to read for now sorry you guys

lots of lurv

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19208936/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19208936/ Fri, 04 Jul 2008 20:26:48 PDT the best gifts though are = dan's "hope" fractal <3, a poem from pat <3, and a bob marely cd (sorta lol)

XxX please readXxX
okay, starting on sunday, i'll be away in new hampshire visting family. yep. hell for 5 days..T_T not too happy about that...i'm not going to be able to get to the computer for much i'll walk to the library to check my e-mail as often as i can. so please, even if you just wanna say hi, e-mail me at "mangakasami@gmail.com" it'll brighten my day i'll be back on friday, but i'll also be busy, cus ryan is coming all the way from california to visit and hang outyeah so i'm really busy T_T sorry if i'm behind on comments or commisions, i just have no time! but please don't forget about me in my time away, i sure haven't forgoten all of you! my life is really crazy at the moment and i'm just trying to do my best to get through each day....life is tough right, but i think i can make it through. you guys all mean alot to me, not just my dear friends (even those who i've had issues with ) but also everyone who suports my art. i'm sorry for any strangeness or hurt feelings i may have caused...my head has been spinning, and i just want things to be right agian. and they will be, just not today, or tomorow. but there will be a better day. thanks for everything you guys...you all rock and have a place in my heart ALL OF YOU

text or e-mail me if you lurv me!
oh and by the way

I MISS YOU so much DAAAAN!!!!! :cies: COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


XXX the power not to fear mistake and to move foreward XX for me and you

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19124777/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19124777/ Mon, 30 Jun 2008 09:55:53 PDT little update for ya all!
X-i had an MRI done on saturday night, it made me really dizzy, and sick to my stomch the results aren't back from that yet, but i think if there were something largely wrong the'd know right away (at least i hope) the results from the latest blood tests also haven't come back yet

XX-i have a visit to the hospital tomorow, not sure just what is happening but i'll let you all know what happens!~

i finaly finished that last of my maths work for the summer no moar school! so now i have a bit more time...wait that's a lie i'm still really busy >.> but trying to find time for all the things i love! i'm working on :iconchuldo: 's drawing i'm really sorry it's taken so long, but life is crazeh! and i have the rough sketch done now

ZOMG three days untill my birthday! and i already got the best-most awesome- kick arse- birthday present ever!!! from !
[link]
thar it is it's awesome! while you're at it go look at his other art, it's all really great! :3
but he's going away for vacation soon D: oh how will i survive?
wait, that's the other thing
i'm going to our lake house from this sunday to next friday D: i'm not gonna be able to get on the interwebs much :-/ pleeeease email me at mangakasami@gmail.com, i'll be able to walk to a library and check my e-mail...i'm gonna miss you all teribly! please don't forget me while i'm gone

ah well i still feel happy for the time being! this doesn't happen much! lool

XX BTW the mood box LIES IT LIES!!!!!!!

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19061573/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19061573/ Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:04:55 PDT firstly today i hung out with my best friend, and it was awesome! we watched (part of) my fave movie, and went swimming! it was the most fun i've had in a long times!

Xx birthday in 6 days! xX
i got my report card in today >.> not great, but i still have a few days to cramm some make-up work! wish me luck! i have alot of work to do!
my friend sent me the new disturbed cd!! awesome sauce! however i need to get some bob marley...badly! D: to the cd store away!

what really excited me is that my friend and me are doing an art trade! she already did her part! i feel bad i'm so busy that i'm still working on my half
XxXxHEALTH UPDATE TEIMSxXxX

i was too scared to before, but after i really talked about it with one of my best friends and gave it some thought, i think i really need to have that test done. ya know the scary one i was talkng about before? it's not gonna be fun, but if it's gonna help figure out what's wrong with me, i need to be brave. i'll rescedual the test, but it's not gonna be the day before my b-day

i have an MRI on staruday night~, and on next wendsday apoinment with the gastro-insestnal doctor~

XxXxMENTAL HEALTH UPDATExXxX
yah so some of you may remember that i was really depressed and having a tough time a bit ago? well stuff is still really hard. however with the help of a few people i've been smilling a bit more and doing a bit better. "you cannot controll the wind, just adjust the sail" i'm trying to be strong, and i get by with a little help from my friends ( ) i'm trying to keep my chin up, even if it means having the world see my tears.

wow....if you read all of this you get a cookie...i know i've been posting alot lately, but honestly with so much going on this is a good way to organize my thoughts and feelings thanks for you time guys, rock on.

super-duper-thanks and cookies to and

]]> ~mangakasami http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19040483/ http://mangakasami.deviantart.com/journal/19040483/ Wed, 25 Jun 2008 14:19:47 PDT i just got back from the hospital, the results from the tests wouldn't come back for a while now. then we'll know if i'm alergic to stuffs!
i have an MIR on saturday, and a meeting with the gastro-doctors next wednsday~ ^_^ lots of stuff coming up, so i'll try to keep you all posted with updates as i get them!
in better news, 8 days untill sami's birthday!!
and tomorow i get to hang out with ! so excited!!!!

]]> ~mangakasami