http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:meowmeow16&section=today deviantART RSS for by:meowmeow16 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:55:47 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://meowmeow16.deviantart.com/journal/24560192/ http://meowmeow16.deviantart.com/journal/24560192/ Sun, 03 May 2009 06:01:21 PDT
To tell the truth, I was seriously considering just leaving dA overall. I am having trouble finding my identity as a person and as an artist. For a while now, I've felt like I've been wasting my life away. I'm still not sure why, but I feel so depressed and empty right now. But I don't want to kill myself - I want to find my purpose. Every day is just routine after routine and I'm trying to understand it and what I'm supposed to do with myself. I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I just feel so lost.

I've got a lot of skeletons in my closet. And I want them to all just leave and stop resurfacing, but that doesn't happen. I am always reminded of the shame I have in my past.

I thought that maybe, if I just destroyed everything, I could be free. It doesn't make any sense to me now, except that I felt the impulsive need to destroy. I destroyed files on my computer and a lot on this account. I have very few art files left on my laptop, but all is not lost. I still have art files on the family computer that I can retrieve and put back on my laptop. I was, and still am, really at a point of desperation, and destruction was the only thing on my mind.

I was talking with recently, and she was explaining to me how she was losing interest in manga and anime, and soon after, I realized that was happening with me too. My whole life has been manga/anime for 4 or 5 years now, and now it's all fading and feels like it was never worth it. I feel like I have lost all interest in anything other than music, and the only music I can listen to is depressing. I'm hoping that by starting over on deviantart and focusing more on original art than fanart, I can find myself again, because I miss feeling happy and fitting in with my friends.

I'm such a selfish person - wanting to delete everything on this account and leave you all in the dust without any notice. I'm terrible and heartless and I've probably upset and hurt a lot of you by now. I was just going to up and go, but I got lazy deleting my deviations and decided to complete it today. But then I was reading a conversation between and about how they were worried about me when they realized not only my deviantart account was practically gone, but my youtube too. I realized how much my selfishness was affecting you guys. I'm such a terrible person.

After reading this, I don't know how many of you are still going to stick by me even after I almost deserted you all. But if you are, my new account is here: I hope you guys can forgive my selfishness.

]]> ~meowmeow16