deviantART: by:midnight-moon9490

deviantART: by:midnight-moon9490 http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:midnight-moon9490&section=today deviantART RSS for by:midnight-moon9490 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 17 Dec 2009 06:48:09 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png Hate...Love...Choice...Fate http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28887274/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28887274/ Fri, 11 Dec 2009 17:00:07 PST Those words are all connected, a part of the reality we face on a daily basis.

Hate
What is hate? I don't know, at least not the dictionary definition of it. It is lashing out based on emotion. It is yelling mean words and not regretting them ever. It is hiding hurt under walls and barriers. It is following misguided lessons and not knowing better. It is pain, but not necessarily your own. It is infliction. It is a defense mechanism. It....is ugly. Hate justifies anger, which justifies violence, which in turn justifies death. But is any of that really justified? Do we deserve death? Do we deserve words that tear us down and reduce us to nothing? What is the point? Hate only spreads more hate, extinguishes the light that is human beauty. It destroys...and what is destroyed cannot always be made anew...

Love
What is love? Again, I don't know the real definition. It is an emotion, an intense, overwhelming emotion... It makes people smile for no reason. It makes us giddy. It makes us feel safe, feel wanted. It keeps us calm. It makes up hyper. It heals. It helps. It simply is. And it...is beautiful. Love is the remedy to hate. It is much stronger, yet less well used. Love is overused, making it weak and docile. It means little in today's society. Except when it is real... Then it is extraordinary. It is beautiful and healing and....magnificent....

Choice
To make a decision. To do something based on contemplation and/or advice from others. Living is a choice, as is death, if you think about it in certain lights. It is a choice to learn or to remain ignorant. It is a choice to voice your ignorance as truth and garner followers so that you may spread the abundance of hate that is in this world. It is a choice to kill, to hit, to yell, to harm. Life is nothing but choices. Right ones, wrong ones...good ones, bad ones...

Fate
A predestined course of action that is beyond all mortal control. A reality or a farce? Time of birth... Amount of time on earth.... Moment of death, as well as manner.... These are predestined situations. Fate rules. She takes her time and toys with mere mortals. She controls all from afar. There are so many choices we have, but she still remains omnipotent. She controls who we will one day fall in love with. She controls the type of people we are to hate. Or....does she?

Will you let hate rule you?
Who will you love?
What choices will you make?
Where will fate guide you...?

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Warning: This May Be a Mild Rant http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28726712/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28726712/ Thu, 03 Dec 2009 11:44:46 PST all, meaning male/female and all that is beyond. What is beyond, you ask? Oh, where do I start.... The most simplistic point to start is trans, pre-everything in particular. Post hormones and surgeries they're more likely to be considered their actual gender (with some exceptions), especially after bottom surgery. Before hormones and surgery they are still, under all their clothes and bindings and extras, physically their biological gender, and plenty of people in this world have issues with that. Even bisexuals do. They want a male or a female, not something in between, not a person in the middle of a transition.

Another person beyond the male/female binary is genderqueer individuals. These are people who identify as both and/or neither male/female. They may be bigendered, androgynous, or some other individual interpretation of the term. If they're a genderfuck they'll purposely go out of their way to bend gender norms to make a statement, or just to express themselves more completely. These aren't as obvious as trans because they're not always "loud" in their gender identity, but it is still an identity beyond the binary. As such, not all bisexuals would be willing to date a genderqueer individual; that, or be unable to wrap their mind around such a concept.

As a pansexual, gender is irrelevant. One of the most impacting statements regarding pansexuality is "love the person, not the gender." The definition of pansexuality is "the aesthetic, emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attraction to a person regardless of gender, including those outside the gender binary." I can understand how this may seem a complex concept to wrap your mind around, but that does NOT mean you can call me a bisexual. I take offense to that. I mean, yea, I like boys and girls, but actually, my preferences lean towards benders of different sorts. I like femme boys, butch girls, and actual intentional benders. The two relationships I've had with the most love were with a bigendered female and Wolfy, an ftm trans. Hell, I don't even like gender or to look at it as a binary. I myself identify as genderqueer--androgynous female.

So, what that little bit comes down to is--I am not bisexual and do not appreciate being labeled as such. If you're going to label me, at least have the decency to use the correct label--which in this instance is PANSEXUAL.

As to the second thing that royally irks me, I find it quite offensive that bisexuals are perceived as sluts/whores/greedy/etc. Yea, sure, some people will say they're bi for the attention and to sleep around and stuff, but TRUE bisexuals are just like those of any other sexuality--people looking for love and comfort. They just feel attraction towards both males and females. This in no way connotes a sexual greed. It's funny, on occasion, to make jokes, but know that the reality is that bisexuals are not greedy sluts. I know that doesn't exactly entirely relate to me, but I still find it offensive.

A third thing, speaking/thinking of things that don't exactly relate directly to me that are irksome--gender pronouns. It is very offensive that people will use the wrong pronoun when talking to/about trans just because they know what they were born as. It is highly offensive and rude. As if trans don't have enough to go through with transitioning, but then those around them have to go and use the gender pronoun that does not fit their gender identity--or even their appearance the further into their transition they progress. Like, Wolfy passes 100%, yet his two best friends, several teachers, and others at school and his apartments will still call him "her" Uhm...NO. He is a HE! No matter what, I always call him "him." All the trans I've ever talked to, I automatically think of them in the correct pronouns. Others should do the same... Just because they were born one way, that is not necessarily who they are. I have never really talked with any MtFs, but I have talked with several FtMs, and I always them of them as boys, as guys--because that's exactly what they are. How would you like to be called the wrong pronoun? It's not very nice, not at all. Not if you don't like it.

What I mean about the not liking it bit, I like it when people think I'm a guy a lot of the time. Doesn't happen too very often at the moment, but when people call me "he" and such, I get a little thrill. That's my androgyny speaking. One of the nicest things that I've ever had asked of me was which pronoun I preferred because me and this kid were talking and I mentioned I was genderqueer. Truthfully, I don't really care which pronoun is u... ]]> ~midnight-moon9490 I need a hug... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28719009/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28719009/ Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:58:23 PST
]]> ~midnight-moon9490 So.... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28707874/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28707874/ Wed, 02 Dec 2009 11:17:55 PST .< Oh, and to top it all of, it's cold and rainy and dreary. I just feel a major need for attention and loving and comfort and hugs right now, but :sigh: oh well... I'll be okay (I hope). Today just seriously royally sucks for me. I wish I actually wanted to do something just to relieve the stress and "feel better" but I don't want to. I just want the day to be over already =/ :sigh: Whatever....

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Who you calling crazy? http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28696984/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28696984/ Tue, 01 Dec 2009 18:10:11 PST "I'm smiling to hide the fact I want nothing more than to cry."

I'm not feeling "normal" right now. Lack of sleep is the most likely cause. My own fault. Everything is always my fault. I know. Excuse my self-pity. I know I'm going to end up being annoying, more than likely. Don't read. I just need to spill some thoughts. And I'm not in the mood to write stuff and no where near high enough to be spilling thoughts on paper.

"If I scream, will you be the one listening?"

Dunno. The little quotes are mine. I own them. Steal, I be upset. But, I won't hunt you down or nothing. Although I can't promise not to haunt your dreams at night, lol.

"I swallow, again and again, but still sorrow lingers in the back of my throat..."

You know, I really like making up quotes. They make me feel, I dunno, "wise." I like thinking up words and stringing them together prettily to form statements of a relative truth. After all, all truth is relative. What is true for me isn't necessarily true for all of you.

:sigh: I feel wrong. I hate this feeling... I don't know how to explain, to express the half-thoughts, half-images in my mind. I'm not even looking at my wrists, yet a part of my mind focuses on them. I can feel red lines, but I know I'm not going to do anything. It isn't like I really feel like it. It's like...a thirst, a hunger to just do it and get it out of my system. I guess that's a good way to put it.

You wanna know something? I actually don't like blood. I mean, I think it's pretty and all that, but I hate the taste/smell of it. I do like the idea of bloodplay to an extent, and in my mind I imagine "drinking" blood and stuff, but at the same time I know actually doing that would nauseate me. Odd, I know.

"Life spills so delicately, yet it is only a nightmare to wake screaming from."

I dunno. That's a bad one. But, at the same time, quite pretty. I like pretty words, pretty things. I like beauty. I like seeing it where no one else notices it. Because, in all actuality, beauty is all around us. Even the most "ugly" person can have something beautiful about them, if you just know where and how to look. Maybe it's their eyes, their mouth, something small. But, chances are, it is there. Just gotta look. And isn't that what must be done with everything? Look, observe, seek.

Totally random, but my roomie always smells so good o.o All of her lotions and sprays and stuff. I like 'em. They kinda fit her. Dunno. I just like how they/she smells, lol. Am I creepy? Never sure anymore...

Okay, odd. My mind imagined red in places other than my wrists o.o It, like, never does that. I don't even ever imagine it where I actually have cut most recently (which I still won't reveal). This time it was my leg. Very odd. Only cut there on a few occasions, but it just wasn't "me," if that makes sense. Maybe you have to be a cutter to understand a statement like that...

Are we the labels we bear? Or are the labels us? Who am I? Who are you? Are we one? Two? Many? Is there an answer...?

"Scars are hidden and tears are laughed away, but you'll never see who she really is."

I hate freaking out. I hate breaking down for no reason. I hate being as emotional as I am. Trust me--I cannot control it. If I could, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't be there for people like I try to be. Even though it sometimes hurts me to be there for people... I'd rather be there for them regardless. Like, last night, I started talking to someone new, and within hours she had told me her story. It hurt my heart to hear it, but it is still amazing, at least to me, how easily people open up to me. Even on here, people open up to me relatively easy on occasion. It's just...amazing... Why am I so easy to talk to? Like, I know I listen and I ask questions and pry, but still don't know/understand how people open up to me all the time.

Wanna know something "funny"? People open up to me, but I don't always easily open up to them. A few exceptions. Berto and Phoenix both get me to talk, Berto especially >.> Wolfy is starting to get past my walls, but I know they're big and all. It's hard to get them down, even for love...

"I paint these ugly walls in crimson, warning you, pleading for you."

I miss simplicity, if it ever existed. I miss Wolfy right now. I miss hugs... I think my last hugs were over the weekend from my parents. Good hugs, but I want a different kind. Miss being held and loved... :sigh: Okay, I'll admit it--I'm lonely. I feel alone. I know I'm not. I know I'm loved and stuff. But I still feel lonely. Been too long since I saw Wolfy. Almost 2months since I saw him... Sorrow... Won't be til at least January that I get to see him again =/ That makes me sad in a way.

"How can you love me despite this madness that puts such a strain... ]]> ~midnight-moon9490 A Long, Boredom-Induced Ramble http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28681086/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28681086/ Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:06:53 PST love being bored. It's the light of my life. Just can't get enough of it.

Okay, done with the sarcasm (for the moment). Roomie and her friend are in the room so I can't be playful/naughty to relieve my boredom. Besides, he's doing something anyway, so can't really distract him; wouldn't be nice of me. :sigh: Blah blah blah

Roomie just keeps watching TV. Is on Hoarders or something now. Kinda nasty looking show. Was watching Family Guy. Oh god, my brain melted and brain cells deteriorated.

Learning stuff. How fun. Or kinda learning it. More trans stuff. Always interesting.

Wish roomie would go out like she usually does. I don't like having her here. But, that just me being selfish. Oh wells.

Got my first final tomorrow-BioLab. Not 100% looking forward to that, especially cuz I didn't exactly study. Should've... Got my ChemLab final on Wednesday. How exciting >.< Next week is finals week where I take all my others. How fun, how fun.

Okay, rolling stomach. WTF? Probably cuz all I've eaten today has been kinda junky-ish. Had a good breakfast at least. Lunch was semi-healthy. My "dinner" was (yucky) mongolian noodles, 2 Christmas tree cakes, a pack of crackers, hot chocolate and Snapple. Oh yum~ My stomach's not liking me too much right now though.

Sounds like roomie may be going out. Maybe....

It's getting late. But I;m not really all too tired. Took a nap earlier with Wolfy after he got home. Was nice. But not a good idea to stay up all night again tonight like I did last night. Hopefully I don't go crazy again >.> But I know when I have others around me to "distract" me I don't go as crazy as easily. Sure, I'll occasionally still go bonkers, but it's usually only to the point where I need to start writing. Have written some...interesting stuff in those moments at school. Luckily for me, that kind of crazy is a lot less noticeable than the crazy I went last night. No one has ever seen me go fully crazy. Makes me feel lonely, but is probably a good thing no one has played witness. Wouldn't blame a person for running away from that kind of madness. It scares me....

Yhup, roomie is indeed going out for a bit. Dunno if for all night. Fingers crossed as I hope. Selfish, I'm well aware, but still~ I'm a very solitary person. Always kinda have been. Just don't like people in my space. Although....there is a voyeuristic plus to getting to watch a very attractive/cute/hot roommate change in front of you >.> Yes, I know I am semi-creepy, but really, I don't fully care. As long as I don't say or do anything, and I never would, it's all good--right? I'm not going to do anything. I just like to watch. And I watch anybody/anything that seems at least mildly interesting, so....

Bugger, she'll be coming back. Her friend is still here.

Yes, this is a real time journal. I'm just writing whatever pops into my head with no plan in mind. Not really anything new exactly, but I'm just boredom-rambling. Don't you all love when I do this? It is a nice little insight into my mind, no?

Lalala.... I hate being bored. It is seriously the worst state of being to experience. Especially when can't really do anything to alleviate said boredom.

And roomie is back.

Her friend said something about holding her up or something, so maybe she is going. She is packing her purse--and that is an indicator that says "I'm probably not coming back til tomorrow morning." See, I have a silent language with her o.o But, we do talk some. Not a whole heck of a lot, but enough to cohabitate. Heh. Cohabitation with a quite attractive chick XD Too bad she is super duper straight and not at all my type, lol. Besides, I'm happy with my Wolfy. Mine mine mine.

Goodness, my back hurts from sitting against the wall like this. Been like this for a couple hours, I'd guess. The li'l plastic piece on the strap, the adjuster bugger, of my camisole keeps poking into my shoulder blade. Irritating. But, I look nice in my opinion ^^ Androgyny is HOT. Looser jeans (bigger size from before major weight loss >.> ), brother's old green button-down, and had a hat on most of the day. Although, Wolfy told me today, when I was saying that I've passed in this shirt a coule times, that if we ever get mistaken for a gay male couple he'll force me to wear girl clothes for the rest of the week. Uhm, NO. I wear girl clothes for myself when I'm in the mood. And I think it'd be hilarious if we passed as a gay couple XD I like passing; it gives me a perverse glee. Guess that's my androgyny/genderbending speaking XD

Speaking of gender, Wolfy thinks I might actually be bigendered because there's a thing on the internet called... ]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Well.... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28666176/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28666176/ Mon, 30 Nov 2009 07:31:44 PST
Just wanted to write a journal. Lurvels

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Sims3 Needs to BURN http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28644679/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28644679/ Sun, 29 Nov 2009 06:32:35 PST All activation codes scratched out
All computers with it on their hard drive need to have all the memory erased.

I hate that game. I hate video games. They suck out minds and brainwash you into another reality. We have enough of that without Sims. It needs to die.

I know my friends and all like that game, but presently I really could care less. I hate it hate it hate it.

Lurvels all

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Boredom is teh EVIL http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28457745/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28457745/ Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:05:14 PST

bored bored bored... uh-oh, not good o.o What to say...what to do....

People upset me. Too much hate and hurt, not enough love and comfort.

My feet are too ticklish. I can't even itch them because it tickles. How pathetic is that...

I miss my Wolfy.

Going home this weekend for dentist appointment. Thanksgiving break starts on Wednesday. That means I have to come back up here for 3 days. Fun times...

I almost half wish I were the type who goes out on Thirsty Thursday cuz I'm super duper bored in my dorm right now.

James Blunt is playing on my iPod right now; I like his voice...

I wanna see New Moon, but definitely not tonight. Gunna go with my mom, either this weekend or over break. Will be fun.

Luna is asexually pansexual with Wolfy-sexual mixed in for good measure.

:sigh:

Dance under the stars and you're just another fool, but dance under the full moon and you dance with the Goddess.

Dunno. Boredom equals random spewlings from my fingertips.

I wish I could write, but I don't really have any inspiration at the moment. Just lots of broken, half thoughts, as is evidenced by this here journal.

The bells are tolling 10p. No more bells after this until 7a.

I never took a shower today. Got up too late then ended up sleeping from almost two until closeish to five.

Only ate two meals today--breakfast and dinner. Belly has hurt since breakfast; I think it was the omelet's fault.

My hands are really slim...but I like them.

My belly is almost flat, I've lost so much weight. This time last year I was over 180, nearing 190. Now I'm in the 150-160 range. And Wolfy, when he visited, woulda guessed I weighed even less when he picked me up. Getting used to it, but still not the biggest fan.

Wolfy just called me on Skype, so closing this now. Lurvels all who read my random rambles.

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Weird Moods = Random Journals http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28435468/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28435468/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:40:06 PST

.Gallery

.Note Me!

.Friends

.Sub me

More stamps at the shoutboard...

Who is this girl sitting at the computer and typing these words? What does she feel as tears well up behind her eyes? Is she insane like some believe? Is she broken like she claims? Is she really worth very much? Is she any more than a selfish little kid?

I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm feeling. Everything feels mildly wrong in my body at the moment. Like at any moment the smallest thing will push me into a fit of hysterics.

What is wrong with her? What broke her? Who ripped into her heart? Who left such ugly marks on her soul? Who left her like this? Why was she beaten so roughly? Why was she used so ruthlessly? Does anyone really care about her? Is she worth the tears that would be shed if something were to happen to her?

I know I'm worth much and all that blah blah. I know I'm loved. I know you people care about me. I know. But my heart still feels odd. My belly keeps rolling.

Is something bad about to happen? Did I do something wrong?

I feel numb. Yet I feel no urge to hurt myself. Good thing? Bad thing? I'm really not sure. Numb feelings truly suck...

Is she invisible? Can you see her at all? Do you like what you see? Or do you see her ugly scars? Do you see the damage, inflicted by her and others? Do you see? Or are you another blinded one...?

Look... See... Hear... I dunno. My mind is moving but my body feels dead. Half beating heart. Isolated. Alone. I can't put my finger on it. There goes a rush of goosebumps...

I could be your puppet, but it hurts too much to move. I could be your doll, but I refuse to wear the makeup. I could be your lover, but I'm no easy fool. I could be your sweetest dream, but I am becoming a haunting nightmare. I could be, but I'm not...

What is wrong with me? Where are these words coming from?

I'm confused. I'm lost. I need help, but I don't get it. Not the kind I need. I know I need it. People can see I need it. Yet still I am forced to rely on myself and friends. No professional help for a psycho like me. I'm just not worth it, I suppose...

Words are running low. My mood continues to fall. I feel so alone... Going to wander off and attempt homework.

Lurves, me pretties.

Luna

design & coding by =an3czka
floral brushes by *ro-stock
photo of lily by lusi

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Mild Rambling http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28433658/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28433658/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:08:57 PST

.Gallery

.Note Me!

.Friends

.Sub me

More stamps at the shoutboard...

Which means more--A false smile or a true tear?
Which feels better--a long hug or a short kiss?

Dunno. In a weird flat/broken feeling mood. Wanna sleep, don't want to shut my eyes. I keep feeling like I may cry. What's wrong? Tired? Perhaps... Overwhelmed? I don't think so. :sigh: I don't know. My mind is kinda wandering.

How long to fall in love--days or months?
How long to fall apart--seconds or hours?

Anyone on facebook should totally join my boyfriends petition to make a change in favor of transsexuals and the discriminations they face in using the bathroom--a normal, necessary activity done daily. If you wanna join, click the link and join. AND INVITE ALL YOUR FRIENDS!! lol. [link] Propaganda >.<

Who to trust--myself or the voices?
Who to turn to--friends or family?

Kinda thinking in no direction. Aren't these the best kind of journals? If I annoy anyone, apologies. Oh, last night was fun. Some kid pissed me off because he called Jews Hebrews. Uhm, NO. Luna was mildly pissed and shaking. Wolfy got to watch as Luna wanted to rip the supposedly 20-year-old-gay-single-KID a new one, but instead played good girl and ended up apologizing to the girl who's question we had all "ruined" and making a new friend with her ^^ Yay to being awesome like that.

Which wounds hurt worse--to the flesh or to the heart?
Whose touch can heal more wounds--a bestie's or a lover's?

I dunno if I have anything else to say. Just wanted to talk and get some thoughts outta my head. Don't feel enough motivation to do homework, unfortunately. Hope people join Wolfy's group. Kay, laters all my pretties ^^

Luna

design & coding by =an3czka
floral brushes by *ro-stock
photo of lily by lusi

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 2 Months http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28382613/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28382613/ Sun, 15 Nov 2009 18:55:55 PST

Luna is a totally random individual at times, but this is not truly one such time. Today (and tomorrow for reasons that will be explained) is Wolfy and mine's 2 month anniversary ^^ Excitement, lol.

The reason for two day anniversary--he asked me to be his girlfriend like 5mins to midnight, so I was wondering if we wanted to count the 15th or 16th as anniversary. Our conclusion--take both, lol. We so greedy XD

Okay, whole journal done. Talking to him (and a couple of his friends) on webchat now, lol

Luna

Graphics by *aishwaryakhan
CSS by =moonfreak

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Happiness http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28328770/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28328770/ Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:45:22 PST

Okay, I thinks that's all for the time being. No homeworks this weekend far as I can tell--whootness!!! lol. Play time ^^

Luna

My Wolfy ^_^

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Some Words http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28311087/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28311087/ Thu, 12 Nov 2009 11:07:08 PST

Don't really have much to say about anything. School is exciting. Three, four weeks left of this semester than I start second after winter break, which starts second week of December. Going home on the 20th for a dentist appointment and again the following Wednesday for Thanksgiving. Gramma is coming to visit, so I'll have to play good granddaughter =/ It'll be good though.

what else? Nothing really. Sorry if any of my writings bother anyone. I'm being good. Anyone who knows me knows that as long as I'm writing while in a bad mood knows I'm a lot less likely to actually do something regrettable. Stressed from tests and life, I guess. Yay for good friends to listen to me though, lol.

Loves all around

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Sad Fate http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28085721/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/28085721/ Sun, 01 Nov 2009 11:39:22 PST
]]> ~midnight-moon9490 . http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27947979/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27947979/ Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:41:10 PDT
]]> ~midnight-moon9490 I Just Realized... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27857366/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27857366/ Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:10:38 PDT
Lurvels!!! to all who visit

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 I Am.... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27724793/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27724793/ Mon, 12 Oct 2009 11:53:00 PDT Insane--try to understand me

Broken--I don't think I can be fixed...

Lonely--wish you were in my arms

Loved--heart is bursting with emotion

In Love--he makes me smile, makes me cry, makes me feel alive...

Cold--even in summer warmth I shiver

Lost--where am I?

Uncertain--what do I do now?

Confused--who am I?

Afraid--it's dark...

Creative--painting pictures with words

Starving--where is everyone?

Crazy--laughing at sorrow

Frantic--need to get too much done

Anxious--help me...

Morbid--want to watch crimson rivers flow...

Overwhelmed--stop relying on me!

Myself--whoever I may be...

something I just wanted to do. Comments?

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 There Aren't Words http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27536532/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27536532/ Fri, 02 Oct 2009 09:58:23 PDT The Invention of Lying also. I love movies, and that one just looks hilarious. Tomorrow for the movie, hopefully! Just hoping Wolfy lets me watch the movie >.> He's so funny, but still such a perv, lol. He's such a guy XD Don't get me wrong-guys are awesome-but he's such a guy sometimes that I just have to laugh; he's too cute XD Luna likes her boy much >.> Yay!! lol.

Okay, gotta do homework some before he gets here. His bus should arrive around 530ish and Sapph and I gotta pick him up. Excitment!!

Lurvels!

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 "emo" moments http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27489942/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27489942/ Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:34:03 PDT
Just feeling meh today, and I can't explain it. Odd when I'm happy but still feeling blah. I actually hate the contradiction. Come on mind, pick one! But, meh, whatevers. I hate drama, even if it's not mine. It's heavy.

I think I'm just stressing myself out too much. Have too much homework and I keep not doing it for whatever reason. Did finish and send my honors program application and the newspaper article I was asked to do this week. It was an easy one; interview the lady, record it, type it up as a Q&A. Easy peasy. :slow exhale: I hate how my mind works. Wanna cry, I feel so stressed out, and I'm not even that stressed. Although I'm stretching a bit again as a relaxation technique. Go major flexibility. In fact, just before I started typing this up, I was stretching while reading my sociology text. How sad...

Friday needs to get here sooner...

I hate being this rollrcoaster. I really do; I just can't exactly help it. Voices whisper, tease, taunt, yell at me. They're silent, but I hear 'em loud and clear. Today they were being mean, and they're still quietly whispering that sweet little phrase. How many are curious what I'm being told? ~~slit your wrists and watch them bleed~~ I hate my voices....

I'm such a mess, I swear... Damn... Okay, I'm kinda tired of whining at the moment. Whatevers. Just wanted thoughts outta my warped li'l mind. Laters

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 A Rant to be Ignored http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27445936/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27445936/ Sun, 27 Sep 2009 10:27:03 PDT ~midnight-moon9490 Because I Feel Like It... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27337981/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27337981/ Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:39:29 PDT
Other than Wolfy, I'm surviving as a college student. Keep putting off homework in favor of him, but...I do get it done while he's at school/work and stuff, lol. Just, homework is teh evil >.<

Luna wonders why it is that she gets such great people that within a few weeks of being a couple, someone tries to steal great person away from Luna? Whatever... Just sucks in its own small way. I'll live cuz I know he is MINE, and no whore bitch can take him away from me...

Lalala...Luna likes to be happy. Living and surviving. Yay! lol Laters for now; just wanted to update journal outta boredom.

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Luna is Happy ^.^ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27236720/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27236720/ Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:26:06 PDT

And this guy -->

is the reason for my happiness ^.^

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 avoiding homework like a bad girl http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27229430/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27229430/ Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:59:03 PDT .>

Has anyone noticed anything unusual about my writings the last few days? It's happy O.o How madness is that! lol. But, I am happy ^.^ And happy is good inspiration for happy poetry, eh?

18 Days!!!!! It needs to be less >.> As in, no days... <.< lol

Lalala... Purposly being vague; it's fun XD

*sigh* Okay, I don't really have anything to say, so I guess I'll finish painting my nails then work on homework so when I call him, it'll be less overwhelming the next day. Ugh, that reminds me--I hate wednesdays >.<

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Prettied Up series http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27174490/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27174490/ Sat, 12 Sep 2009 16:50:21 PDT
I was all dressed up today just to take pictures for a reason. It makes me smile, lol. Yay!!

I just decied to be weird and post this little bit. Yay to goofy happiness

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Getting a journal off my page.... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27134362/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27134362/ Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:51:56 PDT

Tired

Hungry

Happy

Chilled

Bored

Lol. Just felt like putting something new up so my page thingy isn't quite so...yea.
Oh, I got my first Sociology quiz back today--got a B on it =] Not bad, not bad at all, lol. Got chem quiz back also; not so great on it... >.<; Have so much homework to do; don' wanna!! Honor society bugger meeting tonight. Got to set up an interview because I have a story to write because I joined the school newspaper *deep breaths* Gotta goes; buh byes

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Bring it on http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27083188/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27083188/ Mon, 07 Sep 2009 19:51:05 PDT
]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Devious Journal Entry http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27081136/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27081136/ Mon, 07 Sep 2009 18:05:55 PDT

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 A Secret http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27057647/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27057647/ Sun, 06 Sep 2009 16:00:57 PDT
Here's the deal, I like pain. Like, sometimes it's an addiction, a need that must be fed. I like to be bitten and all that sort of stuff. What I want it bed does involve pain. I want to be dominated and hurt, my whole will controlled by someone other than myself. I want that, I do. But, here's where the secret comes in.

If I am begging for pain, do not give it to me.

I am also a gentle person. I like sweet and gentle. I want to be cared about and loved. I want to be shown that pain is not always the answer. I want to be held and cherished, worshiped in a way. I want to have someone run their hands over my body and kiss all my skin without wanting sex, wanting to do anything more than hold me and love me.

So, here's the secret again. When I am so desperate for pain that I actually beg for it, do not satisfy that hunger. Kiss me softly. Hold me. Cherish me. Do not bite me. Do not fondle my body inappropriately. Do not degrade me or tell me any of the things I may ask you to say. Just love me for those moments until I am crying, but feeling safe, the urges, the need passing back into the dark from wence it came...

That's my secret, for any who were curious enough to read this random journal...

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Sooo.... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27024464/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27024464/ Fri, 04 Sep 2009 21:36:29 PDT me, I sung it right to them because today is their birthday also, lol. It ws funny.

So, how did my day go? Well, like I said, was supposed to be able to sleep it, but was a kinda fail. Went to breakfast at 915 then had music apprec at 10 and bio at 11. That was my entire class day. What was cool was before classes, when I got out of the shower, the one RA on my floor who I sorta like remembred my b-day and wished me a happy one. Made me happy, lol. Anyway, after bio I found my advisor person, introduced myself, and then waited (too long) in the dorm to get food as Sapph tried to figure out how to get (good) music for the aprox 3hr drive home. That venture was a fail and we finally got food about 1230. I only ate a little bit because my mouth was sore; had developed sores from my (oh so wonderful) appliance.

After food, we hit the road. First stop was my dentist so I could get my appliance fixed and now--PAIN FREE!! Yay! lol. After dentist, Sapph took me home and I opned mail and presents from parents. In the mail I got one of my Breast Cancer Awareness faeries from Hamilton Collection. Thus began a truly downward fall of the day (which random thoughts had already been dropping, but was just made worse from this point forward). When I opened the fearie, one of her wings was cracked, so I tried to move it a little bit and ended up snapping her wing OFF. Then, I go to look for my refund check and find I've LOST it. I call my mom in tears and she tells me to do what I'd already done multiple times--look for it. Then, I'd asked bro to connect my comp to home 'net and when I get out of my room, he plays a joke on me saying he "accidently" deleted all my program files and such. I don't even open my comp before I toss it on the couch and curl in a corner to start crying again. Bro freaks out slightly and tells me to just open the screen and what I find is LoseTheGame.com Ah, he's so loving, lol. But, he just picked a bad time to do that.

After that little breakdown, went to my HS's first football game, which just so happened to be home. I was sitting all alone waiting for people thinking about slitting my wrists wide open... Had fun with Sapph--sorta--and Andy during the first half, but was getting tired and hungry, so stayed for half time before going home. Laundry sorted and computer and me talking for a while before I actually start laundry, lol. Bro comes home. Now I am just lying on my bed hungry and unwilling to eat as I wish we could find ace bandages so I could try binding (previous journal). Still half thinking of just slitting wrists, but don't really want to because I feel loved today. I didn't really have to remind anyone that today was my brithday. The only place that like no one knew about it was here, lol. Sorry lovers of mine XD But, I'm just really kinda super happy cuz my RA wished me a happy brithday this morning and then left a comment on my status on facebook to wish it again. That makes me smile

Lol. Okay, just wishing to informulate my beloved watchers of my wonderful(?) birthday.

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Binding and the Dillemas of such a desire http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27004114/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/27004114/ Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:53:10 PDT Here's a how-to of sorts if anyone is more interested in how it is done::[link]

Now, as I said, I really have an urge to bind. I've had this desire, this urge for a while now. At least feels that way. But there are a few dillemas presented by that desire.

1. I am not a small person. I have very obvious curves, even when I wear looser clothing. Binding is about compression, flattening the fat on your chest (yes, breasts are just fat). For me, as a bigger girl (I'm a D, so if you know how to read bras, you'll get what I mean...), it's harder to get enough coompression to actually hide my breasts. I'd tried one night to bind, and it was an epic fail. But, there are other options I can take, which leads us into dillema two.

2. What do I use? One of the most common methods is using an ace bandage wrapped around the chest. My worry with using just that is a. will it flatten me enough and b. will I still be able to breathe? Because, as we all know, breathing is a very necessary function, lol. There is also the option of using sports bra, prefferably one with Lycra or another synthetic material. If I do that, I don't think I'd get enough compression to achieve my "goals," present myself as I wish to present myself and feel comofortable in my skin. I could always buy a binding vest, but thsoe things are expensive, especially for a minimum-wage summer/winter working college freshman. So, I think the option I want to use is a combination. First use the sports bras in order to have less compression to handle myself and then go over the bra(s) with ace bandages to get greater compression. In theory, I believe that would work. But, next dillema.

3. How to buy the materials? And then explain them? Because, as I said, I am only making minimum wage, and as a college freshman living three hours from my job, I can only really work during winter and summer breaks. I could save for the supplies, which is what I will likely end up doing, but then how do I explain why I'm buying these things? Do I explain to my mother that I'm unhappy with my body and want to try binding to see if it makes me any happier with myself? That would probably be way awkward, yet I have a feeling that, where I to tell my mother, she'd be "okay" with it and deal with it. But, then, what about roomie? Do I explain to her that I'm binding my chest? Cuz, if my plans work, it'd be a noticable difference. Would it freak her out? Or would she be okay with it? Because, I don't really know how she feels about people of alternate sexualities and the like; still haven't come out or whatever. So, yea, explanation would likely end up a trip...

4. Because of the liklihood that explanations would be awkward, should I just wait then? I keep asking myself if I should just wait... But, college is a time for self-definitions, and I really want to try binding. I want to see if it, I dunno, helps me accept myself. So...do I wait and, in theory, prolong suffering? Or try and, in theory, help myself? Such a large dillema...

5. If I were to bind, what about acceptance and the like? I am on a small college campus, somewhere around 600some students, and they keep describing it as a place where you will get to know your professors and all that--and I believe it. So, what do I do? Because, one of my fears is one of further ostracization, and not all my own. I want to be myself, but I also want people to accept me as I am. Which is a gender-dissatisfied female...

So, those are my main dillemas. My size, method, cost/explanations, waiting, and acceptance. Any body have any thoughts? Helpful? Condemning? Thoughtful? Questions?

Oh, I do kinda wanna explain what I mean by gender-dissatisfied female. I am a girl, I know I am and, for a part of the time, can easily accept it. I like to have my girly moments where I wear makeup and girly clothes and all that. But, I'd guess 70-90 percent of the time I dress in a more androgynous manner, wearing my brother's old clothes, my dad's old clothes, or actually buying guys clothes. Mind you, these clothes are usually just shirts because I have hips so have to wear girls jeans until I can figure out a way to get into guys clothes and not "advertise" feminine shape. I like being a girl, but I don't want to be one. I want to play with the different roles and be able to find my own gender identity. Because, truthfully, I don't know "what" I am in reference to gender. All I know it is... ]]> ~midnight-moon9490 I feel.... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26997844/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26997844/ Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:26:54 PDT May be whiney and pathetic, so wander away if you so please; don't bother me none. Just a warning before I start yet another of my pathetic, repetitive journals. Lurves too all those who read it anyway

I want to cut myself wide open and BLEED

That is how I feel. I don't want to cut to cut. I want to mutliate my body. I want to fix it. I don't know... I'm not who I want to be. I'm in the wrong body. I'm not a trans, that is for sure for sure. I'm not a boy. I'm just not a girl either, not always. I want to bind.... I've wanted to for a while now, and I still can't do it. I hate WV... I hate that I feel I can't really express myself. I don't know... I want to cut them off sometimes. I hate that guys stare. I hate feeling llike no more than an object. I just don't get it. I like being girly on occassion, but other times I prefer to hide in baggy clothes. I'm not a girl, not fully. I dunno... I hate this. I hate I feel so wrong. I hate myself so much. God...I want to cut so deep that it won't be stopped. I want to die, but I don't. I'm exhausted... I'm tired of being there, being here. Why...?

I want to die....
stop me....

I'm happy, I promise I am, yet I just keep feeling worse and worse. Why? What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't get it... Please... Shut the damn voices up already. They lie to me. I dunno...

I wanna go back to the art store and pick a couple dozen razors...

I'm fucked up, you know that? Do you realize that? Not just in my gender issues, but so many other ways as well. I'm addicted to pain. I crave it, need it. But not all pain is the right pain... I want to be numb at times. Others I want to explode with emotion and feeling. I just don't get it... I don't get myself. Who am I? Sometimes I'm not sure I really wanna know...

I hate it when people try to contradict my assessment that I'm fucked up, cuz I am. Maybe not of the same variety as others, but I'm still an ugly little mess. I've got gender issues. Sexuality issues of a very minor sort. Body image issues. Desires. Urges. Needs... I am fucked up, whether anyone else can see it or not, whether you believe it or not. But, whatever...

What is wrong with me? I've been going on a writing spree of a sort lately. I just...I don't get it... I keep having urges lately, these past few days. And they keep getting worse... I keep riding the goddamn rollercoaster. Can I get off yet? Please? But I know I can't, not yet at least.

I want to buy a razor and drag it through my skin so I can watch the crimson blood well up and slide over the curve of my arms...

I hate that no one seems able to help me. Some seem to try, but are they really trying? They say they want to help, but I'm not giving anybody any more opportunities. I'm tired of being broken by "love." I'm tired of lies and games.

Awh, fuck this all... I'm half tempted to not prese "Submit" but I know I will. Hope all of you enjoyed my random jump arounds. I just want to slice and dice my body until I feel a modicum of beauty again...

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Read At Own Risk http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26985513/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26985513/ Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:04:25 PDT idea of sex, but the actual deed seems it would be awkward. I'm lonely. God, sometimes I'm so lonely all I want to do is stab a blade in my heart so it will just shut up already... Is that wrong of me? Or just human...? I sometimes half wonder if I really am a human, and not some creature put on this earth with some greater purpose. Some would say we all have a purpose. On says I have a particular purpose, but he never explains, only tells me he is the guider of his brother to his destiny--to be the destroyer of the world... Yet...I don't know. I love him, both of them in their ways. But...I always ask why me? What makes me special? What have I ever done? Just been there like the fool I am... I wish I had someone, even just a friend, who would bite me again. I miss that more than probably anything, I think. I miss being hugged and then feeling sharp teeth playing against the soft skin of my neck, of my shoulders, my arms... It had mostly stopped, but still, occassionally I'd be graced with pain. I'm going to be an idiot, you know that? One day I won't be so smart, so conscious of my actions. Impulse must have its say in due time. I can't always win the battle that wages in my tortured mind. I wish I could ask for help, I really do, but at the same time... I'd be afraid to lose the up-down I've grown (somewhat) accustumed to experiencing. People who have described anti-depressants describe them as a flattener, neither high nor low, yet still feeling. That, to me, is the scariest and most dangerous of all feelings... I'd rather dance and scream or be so low that I write like a madwoman than be flat and feel only a margin of the life I'm used to. I love, yet at time despise, the madness, the energies that drive me. I dunno... I think I'm scared to lose myself. I'm definately afraid to lose the drive I have to write. My words define me in so many ways. If I lost them...I fear I'd lose myself... Is that an irrational fear? An unfounded one? Is it possible I'd still have that drive? But...a part of me highly doubts I'd keep my words, and even on anti-depressants, without words I'm afraid it'd be the push to suicide... I'm trying to joke, kid, be funny, threaten, whatever. It's just...a fear, I suppose. I don't know... I'm still just a scared little girl. I still spaz out when I feel suddenly alone in an unknown situation, an unknown place. I still stick close to those I know whenever meeting new people. I still curl myself in blankets and hold my knees tight when I feel threatened in any way. I'm just a kid still, despite the fact that in just about two days I'm turning 19. Age is a number and it doesn't always match who I am. Sometimes I feel so old, while other times I'm at most half my true age. I don't know who I am... I don't know who that girl in the mirror is... She smiles, laughs, plays my role, but is she really me? Have we become one person, one soul yet? Or are we still seperate entities maintainig one body? I'm not crazy, I promise. I'm a little mad at times, but I'm not insane. I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm shattered...destroyed...ugly. Yet...so many only look at the beautiful side, the side that cares and is oh so sweet. Are we all blinded by our own naivitie? Do we only wish to see good too often? I think we're all afraid, whether we admit to it or not. Whether we only look at good or only at the bad. Even if we try to see the balance. We're all afraid of something, the darkness you can never see, the light you can never touch. It's scary... Life is scary... I dunno. I just...I feel so lost in my own skin anymore. I feel too often like I'm in the wrong body. Why do I feel like this? I don't get it... I know, I know I'm a girl; I've got the boobs to prove it. But... sometimes, when I dream, when I think, when I space, when I'm just, I dunno, wandering, I start to feel like I'm supposed to be someone, something else. Is it because I was "supposed" to be a boy when I was born? Have I told myself this so many ti... ]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Why Am I Always the Punchline? http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26981222/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26981222/ Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:24:20 PDT cruel we're all taught to be. If different, ridicule them and bring them down. I just don't get it... I just looked at the guy cuz I could hear his voice. I'm sorry. Then, when I'm in my room, he starts laughing and telling the girls in the room that I stood there and stared for a minute. Right, no, I ddin't. I glanced and looked away. Whatever... I wish I didn't care, but I know I do. People on the net all "love" me because I'm so nice and shit, but in reality I am an outcast. I'm sorry I'm no social... I'm sorry I'd rather read a book than talk to you. I'm shy. I wish it were otherwise, but, meh... I hate that I'm treated this way... Oh well...

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 I Hate Boys... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26966015/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26966015/ Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:57:35 PDT
]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Talking outta my..... http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26956133/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26956133/ Tue, 01 Sep 2009 11:54:32 PDT
What to talk about, what to talk about....

I have a half crush on one of my RAs. Don't feel like descriping her at the moment, but she's funny and sweet. Sapph has a crush on one of the other RAs, lol XD

Staring out my window I see so many people, but I'm by myself. Should I step outside? Drag my li'l net book with me and enjoy the day? The presence of many other humans? I think I might just... It's so lonely to sit in the dorm by myself. *sigh*

Boredom and loneliness are NOT a good combination. *sigh* Blah...

I'm going out into the warm sun. Laters any and all. Taking BioLab and netbook with me, so I have something to do. Blahnes..

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Misery Loves Its Company http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26935957/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26935957/ Mon, 31 Aug 2009 12:43:16 PDT This is more to get it out of my head than to actually be read, so it is up to you, the reader, if you really want to see this....

Why do we do this to ourselves? We let it happen once, we need it again. I'm watching her destruction from the other end of text messages; I can't save her... I can barely save myself, yet I've managed survival this long... She's talking of cutting; cut her lips, her hips. It makes me miss it, just like he always did. Why do I cling to people who hurt me, awaken these ugly desires in me? I know the answer; it's my myspace status--"I'd rather be hurt a million times by a thousand people than to have even one person leave me behind..." My biggest fear, the one thing that haunts me and makes me so completely stupid, is a fear of abandonment. She wants me to tell her how stupid she is, how she is making a mistake. I know those feelings, those desires. He's got her in His grasp, just like He has me... He wants us small so we are more easily bent. I hate Him....and what He causes us to become. The world is dying around us, around me. Those I love and care about don't care about themselves. The one guy who means more to me than he seems to realize, I miss him so much. He made me smile and cry and laugh and scream. He made me happy, but also made me an idiot... I lose people all the time. Maybe not through death. Maybe not through anything big. But...they're gone... JMR is no longer a part of me except a memory.... DJL is no longer a part of me except through his cousin.... FM is so vague, so faint and periphreal when once she was my world entire, my knight come to rescue me from these shadows. But I gave her up...because I was deluded, crazy, foolish... And it all blew up anyway, another rip, tear, scar to mark me as once-upon-a-time someone's love. I miss being property... I miss having someone telling me to be this way or that, telling me to write them this story or that. I miss being degraded when I was wrong.... I want to be punished. I want to be cut down and dragged through the mud. I want someone to carve their name into my flesh so I can never, never forget who owns me. Then it wouldn't just be on my ugly little heart. Everyone who touched me would be able to see that I am not theirs, can never be theirs, because someone has claimed me. Is that claim one of love? Likely not.... It's a game of power, but I miss it. I miss having no control. I hate being so concious, so aware, thinking so damn much. I want to shut up and let someone else take the reigns of my life. Dangerous desires? More than likely.... But, when aren't my desires at least a little bit dangerous... I'm craving blood, and I'm not really a blood person. Yes, I romantacize it and such in my writings, but I'd rather feel pain without blood than taste it on my lips... I want to be slapped, kicked, punched, hurt. God, so badly do I wish to be hurt... I'm so fucked up... I'm not okay, I'm really not... And there's nothing I can do about it. I can't talk to anyone cuz I'm tired of making people worry all the time. Or they only half listen... I'm not very loud, am I? Oh well... I don't have to be... I just want to be heard. Or do I? I always question myself, second guess my desires. Why do I want this? Why do I feel a need for pain? ....why doesn't Depression leave me....? why does He "love" me so much...? why am i so bendable to the wills of others...? I just don't get it. I don't understand why I feel so rotten, so ugly when I know, I know I'm none of these things. I know I care. I know I matter. I know I'm beautiful. But, I dunno... I don't always feel that way... He's gone again, the guy I love... I'm trying to help him with his love intrest, but dunno... It just makes me all the lonelier... God, I half want to cut... Yay to sharp scissors that could be a weapon given to me by none other than Andy... But, public dorm, community dorm, whatever. Where? How? Mess? I'm too logical (usually) for impulse.... Good thing or bad? Hard to tell at times... I want it though.... I want pain... Hurt me? Please...?

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Sunday http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26920260/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26920260/ Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:44:48 PDT
Lurvels all my lovely watchers!

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Solitude is Maddening http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26906288/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26906288/ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 23:51:41 PDT
I've been texting with this one girl all day and suddenly she's vanished. She went to cut herself...

But, dunno, haven't heard from her in a li'l bit and I'm kinda worried about her. I can understand the need to cut and while I'd rather she (and all others who cut) didn't do so, I also am aware that sometimes it is the only option to shut up the voices that are screaming in your head. Feed their need and they'll leave you be for a bit.

Want to talk to CC, but he's not on, so I'm just missing him. I really do miss him... Miss talking to him face-to-face. Miss his hugs. Miss flirting. Miss playing and goofing. *sigh* Just, I miss him lots and lots... But, at least I get to talk to him on MySpace, semi-regularly, so that will just have to do for the time being.

Want to talk to people, but like no one is on (except Phoenix

)

Roomie is out of town for a wedding she had to go to, so I'm all by my lonesome in my room. Can handle it when I'm doing something or whatever, but otherwise is a little bit buggy. One of those moments where I wish I had a lover I could have spend the night so I'm not all alone in my room when roomie is out or whatever.

Speaking of lover's, I saw SB yesterday (or was it today.... no, was def yesterday) leaving the caf after breakfast. She was walking away from me and in a group with two other girls, so I didn't get a chance to talk to her or anything, lol. Still, she's still pwetty pwetty XD

I feel like a liar because, while I'm happier and stuff, I dunno, still keep having sporadic lows. Not sure they're quite as long as the ones I'd get at home, but still. I don't like the low states. Or the flat.... Flat is the worst way to feel because that is when I'm usually the most tempted to do something stupid, something just to feel. Meh. Just a wandering thought.

Finished the reading I needed to do for Music Appreciation and most of the listening, but gotta finish that in the morn. Still gotta do the Sociology reading. I think I'll do it tomorrow, not wait until it's closer to due, not procrastinate. Best not to set a trend of procrastination at the beginning of the year; would never break it if I did.

Okay, I think that's all for now. Lurves to all my lovely lovely watchers!!

:heartLuna

http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26903690/ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 22:11:26 PDT

. Then we took his car to the mall because he needed art supplies for his classes and I need a dictionary for my sociology class. Well, we spent about an HOUR AND A HALF in that art store trying to find all his supplies--and that was a giant store, but we only stayed in about seven aisles. He ended up only not being able to find eight of his things. While there I got a sketchbook (wanted one) and succumbed to temptation to buy a 48 pack of Prismacolor Premier colored pencils. Them buggers be expensive!! I don't need 'em, but they're pretty and I wanted 'em. Kevin needs 'em, so we split the cost of them so they're ours, lol. We then took his stuff back out to the car then went back to puruse the mall. Looked in WaldenBooks for a dictionary, but (maybe cuz didn't look super hard) didn't find one. Going to look tomorrow at Wal*Mart and/or Books-A-Million. After walking the mall entire, we decided to go see a movie. Not much interesting playing but had heard Inglorious Basterds was good and Sapph wanted to see it, so we went. I did NOT enjoy that movie. I covered my eyes in several parts and even my ears a couple times. I actually cried at one part for some odd movie. It wasn't a scary movie or anything. Wasn't comedy or anything. I don't even know what it was, other than ODD. But, I didn't like it and it made me depressed for a good while. Got back to the dorms and took my music reading down to do my laundry. Spent about three hours doing it all >.< But, now my clothes are all clean--Yay! And I finshed the reading for music. Just gotta do listening and do the reading for (evil evil evil) sociology >.< Still hate that woman's syllabus, but, mehness. Going to work on it some tonight and tomorrow. *sigh*

That was/is my entire day. Exciting, wa'n't it?? *eye roll* Lurvels!!

Luna

Forgotten Bit
I forgot to mention that in the art store I found a cutter's heaven. Where all the X-Acto knives are and such you can also buy just plain razors, both for the X-Acto and straight-egde ones. Well, I saw this one box of like 128 Razor Blades; my thought was it'd give a cutter a heart attack of joy....

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Friday Classes (Day Five) http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26871830/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26871830/ Fri, 28 Aug 2009 08:16:56 PDT
First class today was College 101. Wasn't bad. Just went over "NEVER" asks/dos. Few other little things. Lalala class. But, wasn't bad; got out almost half an hour early. But, that was boring ish, lol, because went to a table near Fine Arts building (where next class is) and played on the Internet. But, it started to rain, so went into building about five minutes before class lets out so sat in the hall 'til could go in.

Had music appreciation next and was "fun" class. Just took notes on the first chapter. Have to read chapter 2 and 3, as well as do the listening, by Monday, but doing it over the weekend cuz then I can use the DVD player for the CD; computer doesn't have a disk drive. Roomie is going home for the weekend, so is big part of why I'm waiting til the weekend.

Was supposed to have Biology next, but when I got to Arnett, there's a note on the door saying Mrs. K's biology classes are cancelled due to illness. So, I'm off an hour earlier than expected. Going to do Sociology homework now that (hopefully) I've figured out that crazy lady's syllabus. *sigh*

That's all for now. Going to Wal*Mart at 2ish with Andy's older sister and Sapph. (

<-Andy

<-Sapph) Lurves to all y'all

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Tears and Sociology http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26863649/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26863649/ Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:09:13 PDT

Luna

~midnight-moon9490 Classes Day Four http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26855861/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26855861/ Thu, 27 Aug 2009 12:20:47 PDT
Music wasn't bad. just took notes off slides and we did a small listening activity where we had to identify different things about a piece of music. Was a good song, Jazzy/R&B/HipHop thing. A song by RH Factor. We got out about five minutes early.

Sociology wasn't too bad. Notes off the board, small bit of discussion aobut reading we'd done, some slides. Nothing too strenous. Got a test Monday or Thursday (mind is mildly confused for some reason) on the syllabus and some reading we're to do. Class out on time.

Last of my morning classes was general chemistry. Not so bad as yesterday. Review lecture on basic chemistry stuff. Took notes; feel better for now. Talking to one girl in the class, who is also in a few of my other science classes, and I'm hoping that if I have major issues with chem, I can ask her for help. My mom said bribe her with gummy bears, but I think Twilight paraphanlia would work better, lol; she's got Twilight clothes and accessories, so, yea, she likes it.

Went to lunch with Sapph; I was starving, so a type of hyper. After lunch I was a different type of hyper. Was good. Taco/nacho/salad thingy, lol.

After lunch was biology. Took notes off slides. Supposed to get on a website so I can look at her slides, but, well, I don't know if I have powerpoint on my comp really, so, yea. But, meh, I take notes and will be able to see her slides after Labor Day Weekend; going home cuz my birthday is the friday before Labor Day.

After I got outta Bio, I cam to my room and unpacked bag then checked some stuff before going back to science hall to introduce myself to my advisor, except the name on the door was different, so I don't know.

Tonight there's going to be a carnival thing. I wanna go; seems like it'd be fun. Small possible problem though. Sapph's parents came up to fix his car (brakes were iffy) and they're going to take us out to dinner after Sapph's classes let out. So, yea, depending on how long it takes us, we might miss some of the carnaval, but I kinda doubt it because the thing is 7-11. I have a small hope that I'll see SB and find a way to introduce myself. Maybe comment on her tattoos, something. But, knowing me and my personality, might just end up saying nothing and doing my usual stare from the distance act >.< But, meh, kinda wanna try and make friends if I do get to see her.... Meh. Deluded, I know.

Anyway, that's all for now. May update again after the carnaval to tell all my lovely watchers how it was, but we'll see. Lurvels!!

Luna

http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26842748/ Wed, 26 Aug 2009 18:15:59 PDT
At the concert, who did I see but SB. Watched her like the creepy starer I am. I just like to watch people. But, I started to think semi-obsessive thoughts, so left and am still listening to the concert in my dorm; can hear it through the window. But, Katie has stopped singing and is now just music. Still, better than silence...

Trying to help a friend with his love-life issues; told a girl he loved her and she said she only loves him like a brother, so, yea. Dunno. Plus, talking to CC some and he's got a love interest that I'm rooting for, but is complicated and so am trying to help and be supportive as necessary.

---WHINE ALERT---

I'm tired of helping all these people with their love lives when I don't have one. I'm just lonely. Hating it. Wanting to carve out the part of me that feels like this. In fact, just want to cut myself. Except I don't want to do it. I want someone else to take the knife and play out their dark, twisted fantasies; my dark, twisted fantasies. I dunno... I feel almost numb, yet not quite. Want to be an idiot. wont though. No real desire; just urges. There is a difference, at least with me. *sigh* Whatever, I'm done.

---END WHINE BIT---

Okay, so I'm just going to wander away for the time being. Try and write; it's what I feel like doing. Loves to all y'all

Luna

Happy Birthday to

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 Classes Day Three http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26836989/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26836989/ Wed, 26 Aug 2009 13:20:03 PDT
Okay, in more depth we go! lol

College101 wasn't bad. Dr. Mr. (that's the prof's nickname, so I'll use it....) handed out a guideline paper on the requirements each major needs to graduate. All BioMajors need some of the same stuff--Bio 124/125 (enrolled now), Bio 200 (botany), Bio 202 (zoology), Chem 110/110 (enrolled now), Chem 112/113 (ChemII), Phys 101/110 (PhysicsI), Phys 102/111 (PhysicsII), Math 145 (PreCalc), and Math 160 (Stats). I've already had CalculusI, so when I talk to my advisor person, I'm going to ask him what I should do about that and how it counts for/against me; I passed CalcI with a C, so I wanna take it again, but I don't really wanna take PreCalc if it can be avoided. Anyway, for each "division" of the major, there are specific courses that must be taken. For Forensics I will also need to take:: Bio 212 (AnatamyI), Bio 214 (AnatII), Bio 220 (Sci Meth), Bio 306 (BioTechI), Bio 321 (BioTechII), Bio 322 (Crime Scene), Bio 481 (Capstone), Chem 340/341 (OChemI+lab), Chem 342/343 (OChemII+lab), CJ 152 (Intro to Criminal Justice), CJ 236 (CrimI), CJ 303 (CrimLaw), CJ482 (CrimInvest), CLS 340 (ClinBioChemI), and CLS 342 (ClinBioChemII). Whoa...typing it up makes me suddenly see how big a case load that will be. Any else think it's overwhelming, just a bit? lol. Good thing--I've got four years to get all those credit hours. And, I'm looking forward to those years

Anyway, yea, he just gave the paper and went over it some.

Second I had Sociology. It wasn't too bad. But, I did realize something when she handed out a survey and stuff; I hate how she does papers. It's something about the font and the sizes and how she organzies her handouts that gives me a kind of headache and makes me almost wanna cry because my head doesn't like it (although the desire to cry may have something to do with low bloodsugar or somesuch cuz when I go too long without food I get more "emotional, except I'd had breakfast...must not've been enough or something... but I digress). After handing out the survey thing she then started a slideshow and we took notes. Just about History&Biography and interrelation and something else. I dunno what I'm saying, lol; looking out the window as I type this up. But, was interesting except, again, I hate her (lack of) formating skills; it's really kinda hard for me to follow at times and it makes my head "hurt" to follow along.

After Sociology I had General Chemistry. We didn't do much of anything but an assessment on skills. Well, I have some major issues with chemistry; something about the memorization for all the chemicals and such. I dunno, but me and chem just don't always agreee. Anyway, I did not enjoy that assessment. I'm something of a sort of academic perfectionist. I don't need to get As; I just need to understand and follow the material. And, I feel "stupid" if I'm not one of the first ones to finish a test for some reason. In my mind, it means I don't know the material and shouldn't be there because I can't get stuff out and down. So, as we took this assessment, about half through the "period" several people start turning their stuff in and I want to cry because I'm struggling and can't remember a thing and I'm just not enjoying it. I'd skipped several, guessed on a few; I just wan't having fun. But, I struggled for a few more minutes before giving up and turning it in with guesses and blanks. I may have done better if I had my calculator, but it was dead, so after the class and before lunch I buoght batteries (need my calculator for ChemLab and BioLab, as well as GenChem).

After Chem, I came back to my room to see what kinda batteries my calc takes (Sapph has AA, but not AAA) and I find out it takes AAA, so I call my mom and tell her I have a problem. I cried as I talked to her because I was telling her much I hate chemistry and how stupid it makes me feel and stuff. But, I felt better after talking to her, which is a good thing. After getting off the phone with her, met Sapph outside to get me some batteries at the bookstore (misleading name in someways...) and then get lunch. After lunch I had ChemLab, so I rushed there.

ChemLab is supposed to be 1-4; that's a THREE HOUR lab, and the classroom has no chairs, so that'd be three hours of standing. Anyway, the prof is an interesting looking gu... ]]> ~midnight-moon9490 More of my Facebook Stalking http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26822437/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26822437/ Tue, 25 Aug 2009 18:03:24 PDT lol. A couple of her newest ones are actually of her with a guy, one of which with them in the hospital and by reading comments I learned she had donated her kidney; that's something amazing! Later there was an amazing close up of her with a hat on and it's just amazing. She actually has two facial piercings--right eyebrow and right nostril (sp?), as well as her ears. Anyway, I just came across the picture that made me total eep and needing to write this journal--there is a picture of her with two other girls and in her hand is--dah dah dah--a rainbow cup!! Maybe I'm blowing things into mental reality's dimensions, but still; rainbows=gay or support. Because it was the stripes, not like a curved rainbow (ha, curved rainbow XD). So, yea, EXCITED!!! I'm being a stupid, creepy stalker chick, but, I dunno... Just lonely and wishing for someone and her being my current interest,

I go stalking...

Just so all of you know, I don't really stalk. I just read pages and go through pictures of people that are somewhat interesting in any way just to get a feel, of sorts, for them. I'm not really that creepy; I just act like it at times.

Also, still haven't seen SB on campus since BotB, which makes me much sorrowed, but, oh de well....

That's all for now; just wished to express my (creepy?) joy at seeing rainbow striped cup in SB's hand, lol

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 A Moment http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26819849/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26819849/ Tue, 25 Aug 2009 15:32:27 PDT

Luna

]]> ~midnight-moon9490 College Classes--Day Two http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26815426/ http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26815426/ Tue, 25 Aug 2009 11:41:38 PDT
First thing was College 101 9a-10a. What it is is a class to prepare freshman for the transistion from high school to college. Boring sounding course, eh, but the professor seems really funny. He's the Dean of the School of Sciences, and he's a kook, I swear. Anybody from my school remember Mr. Clark? Well, the prof is just like him, I swear. He paces the entire time and at one point he said if he were to stop, he'd fall asleep. Remind you of anyone?? lol. I think I'm going to have fun in there, simply because I like the vibe I get from the prof.

I then did nothing all day! Actually, no, I finished most of my Sociology reading; just have the seven pages from the other text to read. I also played on the 'net for a good while and just killed time before picking up my refund check, getting my mailing address, and eating lunch (not the best thus far; had salad and lots of desserts, lol). After lunch, came back to sit outside (I like warm sunshine -_-) and finish my reading then had my last class of the day--BIOLAB!!

Lol. Okay, small explanation--I am a BIG science nerd. I love it. If I didn't, why would I be taking a science major? But, yea, Biology=love, lol.

Anyway, I had Biology Lab 1-3, or at least was supposed to; it's a two hour lab course once a week. Today, all we did was metric system (review for me) and significant figures, or sig figs for short(also review). We were let out an hour early. But, while doing stuff, it made me realize how much I miss math and all that. How dorky is that?? I'm looking forward to next week. Is also nice that the professor is a very pretty woman; too bad she's also married, lol. But, I think I'll like the class. Like the vibe (and appearence, lol XD) of the professor, and I just plain like the subject.

Not looking forward to tomorrow though *sigh* My bag is OVERstuffed for my morning classes. I have College101 again 9-10, Sociology 10-11, then Chemistry 11-12. It's the chem textbook that really weighs my bag down >.< What just makes Wednesdays all the better is that after my lunch hour I have Chemistry Lab 1-4. Now, mind you, I do like Chem, but it isn't (or at least wasn't) the biggest fan of me. Maybe it has something to do with the numbers, or maybe it's the chemicals; it can decide. But, yea, at least my afternoon is one li'l book for the lab and after four I'm scotch-free. Longest day, and most full *sigh* Goes from super easy day to super "pull-out-hair-crazy" day. Thursday is the exact same as Monday was--Music 9-10, Sociology 10-11, Chem 11-12, and Bio 1-2. Friday is another easy-ish day; Coll101 9-10, Music 10-11, and Bio 11-12 then home free for the rest of the day.

Okay, that last bit was just a lot of rambling... I'm in love with both bio professors; they're both so pretty, lol.Haven't seen Hot Chick still, but I wanna wanna, lol. I have this stong feeling, this gut feeling that if we were to meet and talk, based on what her facebook says, we'd click and get along really well. *sigh* I'm such a silly dreamer >.< But, yea, wanna see her again!!

Okay, I'm done for real now. Sorry for the digressions, the side-story rambles I went off on. Loves to all y'all who read about my second day as a college freshman

Luna

http://midnight-moon9490.deviantart.com/journal/26804951/ Mon, 24 Aug 2009 19:53:43 PDT she is hoooooottttttttt. I wonder if she's gay.....please....? lol. I'm such a dork, I swear >.< So, yea, Hot Chick accepted my friend request and I am now going through her pictures (I like looking at pictures...) and read her info; she's fantastic sounding!! Like me in interested in pretty much all music. Newest favorite book is "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire; one of my all-time FAVORITE books. Lol. Who else thinks I'm creepy?? I swear.... if this chick new how I was acting, good probability she'd run for the hills right away. *sigh* Oh well. I still think she is hot and still want to be a real friend, not just Facebook.

Okies, done

Luna