deviantART: by:moonbeamballerina http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:moonbeamballerina&section=today deviantART RSS for by:moonbeamballerina en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 17 Dec 2009 00:58:49 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png Contests and me! http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/27025377/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/27025377/ Fri, 04 Sep 2009 22:41:48 PDT
One of the contests that I entered is on the theme "Summer Vacation" had over 50 entries, and I am currently in the top 10. Voting is going on within the top 10 right now, and I would love to encourage all you lovely people to go vote. I would love it if you would vote for me, (You can vote until September 13th!) but I also believe that voting for someone purely cause you know them and not cause you like that photo best is a somewhat "popularity contest" way to win. That being said, vote however you want. I just wanted to bring your attention to it. The poll in which the voting is taking place can be found here [link] and mine is the photo with the two people fishing silhouetted against the sunset (for those of you wondering). Also, to clear up any confusion, yes =The-Canon-Club hosted this contest, but it was open to non-Canon users too (as I am rather attached to my Nikon)

Another of the contests that I entered (which can be found here [link]) was an August Mini contest on the theme "Recreation". I made it in to the top 25 (out of 106 entries I believe), and ended up coming in 14th place which I was really excited about, and I'm still kinda shocked that people think my photography is of even near the same caliber as many of the other top 25 entries.

I've entered a whole bunch of other contests too, and I will update more on them as I have more info. The world is an ever changing place, and one of these days I will update regarding the changes in my life too.. one of these days. For now, I will go to bed.

I hope that you are all having a wonderful summer!

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Can we Dance? (Plus, Features anyone?) http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/26010404/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/26010404/ Fri, 17 Jul 2009 16:23:49 PDT
It was my Birthday on Wednesday. I'm 20 now! I feel like I should feel old, or like life has suddenly changed, but in all honesty it's exactly the same as it was 3 days ago. But that's okay. Things are looking up, and 20 stands to be a year of improving health and artistic growth. Or something :P

Highlights from my birthday - Dr.Horrible on Dvd (with Commentary - the musical!!! I nearly died laughing), Double Stuffed Oreos (much yum), and... A HULA-HOOP! My sister bought me this fabulous big hula-hoop (hand made, not factory made), that has hot pink and purple stripes, and black and white checkers. And, the best part - glows under black lights! SQUEE! Not only did she get me the super awesome hula-hoop, but she got herself one too, and in the fall we are going to take a hula-hoop dancing class together. Which I think is awesome. Much excitement shall ensue.

I had an assessment for a Pain clinic in Edmonton today. I think of it as a birthday present to myself. With any luck I will be starting a program in a few weeks to help me get rid of some of the pain, and improve my general well being, strength, endurance, etc etc. They said that it seems like mechanically everything is working fine, it's just a case of my muscles being deconditioned and over reacting to stimulus. So, the goal is to remind my body that it's okay to use my muscles, and regain some more functionality. Woot!

Anyways. That's enough rambling for now. I shall leave you with a little feature thingy - :iconoofailedoo: featured me in her latest journal, so here is the deal : the first 20 people to comment this journal (haha I don't think I've ever had 20 people comment on one of my journals) will get a feature of 3 of their works (my personal faves)! After you've commented and I've featured you, please make a journal entry like this of your own, and feature me there at the first place please If you have no Subscriber function like me, you can set the links to the images instead of thumbnails. Visit the features, give them some love!

1. :iconoofailedoo: [link] [link] [link]
2. :icondreamtraveller: [link] [link] [link]
3. :iconcorey9: [link] [link] [link]
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]]> ~moonbeamballerina Ramble Alert: Update and Questions http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/25871639/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/25871639/ Sat, 11 Jul 2009 00:19:43 PDT
Lately I've also really wanted to do some photoshoots (with actual people, instead of just nature shots, or spontaneous stuff, which is all I can usually do). The problem is I have NO idea how to photograph people, and no real opportunity to practice. I feel silly asking any of my friends to model for me when I have no idea how to pose or direct them, and no way of guaranteeing that I'll even get decent shots. Should I just go for it and hope for the best? Or do most people have an idea what they are doing before they shoot? I've wanted to do some modeling too, but I get nervous and awkward on that side of the lens, and I feel like I don't photograph well.. Though that could just be me having self-image issues.. What do you think? Opinions?

One other thing. I've cleaned out my gallery a little bit lately, taking out stuff that I don't think is great (or frankly that is from a part of my life that I'd rather move on from, and am slightly embarrassed by how "oh woe is me teenager" I came across as), and it seems like the stuff that I look at now and kinda shake my head and go "what was I thinking" or "wow.. that's crap" got more comments, views, and favorites then the stuff I'm putting up now that I'm really proud of. I've even ended up leaving up some stuff that I'm not thrilled with purely because it has favorites and comments, and it feels weird taking down something that other people seem to have liked. I know that everyone always says "oh it doesn't matter if anyone else likes it as long as you do", and as much as I try to remember that, I can't help but wonder why my teenage angst stuff seemed to be so much more appreciated then the stuff that I feel is truly beautiful and am really proud of. Any opinions or suggestions on this front?

Thanks for sticking with me,

Colette

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Rest In Peace http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/25819153/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/25819153/ Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:58:26 PDT :iconinqy: . You left this world far too soon, and you will be dearly missed within the dA community. You were an amazing artist, and an inspiration to so many people. I hope that your husband and daughter, as well as friends and family, can find solace in your memory and your art, though I know that nothing will take away the pain of your death.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina After all... You're still you... http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/25098696/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/25098696/ Tue, 02 Jun 2009 23:02:48 PDT
I'm sorry I couldn't be who you needed.
I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you loved me.

I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't tell me the truth.
I'm sorry that I couldn't help you understand.

Just because you pushed me away....
Just because I left....

Doesn't mean I don't still love you.
Because I do.
And I think a part of me always will.
Love Always,

The Girl Who Held Your Hand,
The Girl Who Held Your Heart,

Colette


]]> ~moonbeamballerina A Little Dirt http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/24260414/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/24260414/ Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:41:11 PDT
Now however, my muscles are threatening to mutiny if I don't sit and do absolutely nothing for a few hours. And I think I had better listen to them.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina The Stars are (still) Falling http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/24241832/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/24241832/ Tue, 14 Apr 2009 15:59:59 PDT [link] and then just send Kristie a note letting her know who you are voting for.

Thanks again for your support!

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Update!! The Stars are Falling http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/24135481/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/24135481/ Mon, 13 Apr 2009 14:10:33 PDT EDIT AGAIN When the votes were tallied, there was a 5 way tie, so voting has been extended one more day. Go vote before midnight tonight!! Thanks. Vote here [link]


First of all, I entered a contest here on dA, and you should all check it out and vote (not necessarily for me, though that would be cool).

You can read about the contest here [link]

This contest became very important to me as not only is it to help raise the spirits of a girl in the hospital, its to raise awareness of physical, mental, and sexual abuse and bring hope to all of us who have lived through any kind of abuse.



In other news, I wish that there was more available testing for people with CFS in Canada. There is currently a study going on in New York for young people with CFS and I would love to go be a part of it, but it's way too expensive to go there for two days of testing. I guess I'm just frustrated because like I said I havn't been doing well lately. Today especially. Every time I stand up I black out, I have to hold on to walls or counters so I don't fall over when I walk, my vision is blurry, every inch of my body is throbbing, every joint is stiff, and every muscle feels week. I pride myself on being able to deal with all my health problems in a constructive way, and to keep a positive outlook on life... but days like today make that virtually impossible. All I can think about is how much I hurt, how sick I feel, and how much I wish I could live "normally". They won't increase my "wakey wakey" meds any more, and although they could increase the pain meds, the main side effect of those is fatigue and cognitive difficulties... As if I need more of either of those. It's things like realizing that I have not been able to work for over 7 months and that I have no idea when I will be able to again. It's hard being 19 years old and wondering if I'm going to have to apply for long term disability insurance and live off government payouts. Anyways... I guess I just needed to vent. Hopefully by tomorrow I will pull myself together again, and be able to ignore all the nagging questions and fears.

Here's to tomorrow.

Colette

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Devious Journal Entry http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/23255110/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/23255110/ Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:44:35 PST
]]> ~moonbeamballerina It's been awhile.. http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/23041629/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/23041629/ Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:08:32 PST
But, exciting news, I did my first photo shoot yesterday. I was modeling for a really good friend of mine who is a professional photographer, and it was much much fun. I havn't seen most of the pictures yet, but the few I have seen, I really loved. I doubt I'll post any pictures on here, as they are not really mine to post, but once I have them, I can send some to those of you who actually know me, or say pretty pretty please :)

I guess the big thing was that while doing the shoot, I wasn't nearly as uncomfortable in front of the camera as I expected to be. I felt pretty... and I think it showed in the pictures.

Anyways, my meds are calling to me, so I should go take them. Hope life is treating everyone kindly.

Love to all.

P.S. I died my hair. Wee

P.P.S. I'm knitting a baby blanket... don't know for who, but I'm knitting it anyways!

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Playlist Poetry http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/21690303/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/21690303/ Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:16:32 PST You can tell I'm bored...
Stole this from ~Inoni

In this farewell
Lonesome for no one when
When I come to terms, to terms with this.
Do you remember me?
I am the voice from the pillow.

Broke into the old apartment
Our love was volatile and weird.
Hello - I've waited here for you
I've got money in my pocket;
Is it worth it can you even hear me?

So I ran faster
Stoplight, lock the door.
Blue eyed dressed for every situation,
I close my eyes and I smile.
At night I like to photograph, producing camera angles.

I wanna know how you did it,
Tilling my own grave to keep me level,
Underneath my skin is it just anger, just frustration?
Let it burn in your eyes. Your cover is blown this time.
We are all the children of light.


Opinions on my playlist poetry? What does it say to you? (Other then "wow she was bored!)

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Time flies when you're having... fun? http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/21535246/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/21535246/ Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:56:26 PST Bio 30 will be done as of January... something, whenever the diploma is. Not sure what I'll do after that, but I'm considering taking a post secondary psychology course via the internet (YAY for alternative schooling options!)
I still miss my job some days, but on the bright side, I did not have to witness the horror of "Santa's Arrival" at the mall this past weekend, nor will I have to listen to christmas carols all day every day, deal with bitchy mothers and their children, or have the same "no ma'am, I can't guarantee that your 13 year old daughter is going to like this, because I don't know her, but I CAN give you a gift receipt, or you could just buy a gift card". That's right. I don't have to deal with the Retail Hell called "Christmas Season" this year *happy dance*
Emotionally, things have been rough though. Between suicidal friends, overnight waits in Emerge with someone who did NOT want to be there, and then daily or bi-daily visits to the psych ward to check on them, teenage drama and rumors running rampant, my mental state has been... less than welcoming. With all the emotional pain of the people I know and love, sometimes it's hard to work through my own pain, both emotional and physical.
All in all though, things are chugging along. I will see my new specialist in 14 days, and then the tests will start again, and with any luck, things will get better.
A friend wants to do a photoshoot with me sometime soon (with me in FRONT of the camera for once, rather than behind) and she's also told me that if I ever want to, I'm welcome to use her studio. Wee!
Anywhoo, there are wee ones who need tending to, and diapers to be changed.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Meep! http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/20324873/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/20324873/ Thu, 04 Sep 2008 13:55:51 PDT There is a good reason for my absenteeism though, I swear!

I worked my butt off for all of July, while alternating being sick.

Continued to work my butt off for the beginning of August

Aug. 7-17th, Went to Quebec City and Montreal with my family (and took almost 2000 pictures, so I DO have stuff to post, and surely I will get around to it eventually! And there are 2 drawings too)

Aug 18-22nd, resumed butt working offness (do I sense a pattern here?)

August 22nd, Said HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I"M FREEEEEEE and danced around in a little circle (I quit my job due to health and family reasons)

August 23rd, Bussed to Calgary to see Cirque du Soleil's Corteo , which was absolutely stunning, breathtaking, amazing, and to be honest, I cried a little. I've decided that if I have a little girl, she doesn't have to be a ballerina any more... An Aerialist would be more than adequate as well : ) Cause they're shiney... And I want to be one... speaking of which, I might be taking Aerialist classes this fall... WEEEEEE! Lets see if I can NOT break Colette's body!!!!

August 24th-Present, In Sylvan Lake, enjoying much insanity, movies, walks, photography, friends and awesome. Hanging out with Arvara, ~PaintedMan , ~corey9 , ~aramow , AgentCrazie, ~Inoni , ~Dr-Lord-MatchBurger, ~bakerchild , and got to briefly see ~I-am-JN, and a bunch of other people who don't have dA accounts and thus don't get named. MWAHAHAHA

Tomorrow (probably) Arvara, Myself, and possibly ~PaintedMan will be heading back to Edmonton. I will then spend a few days at Arvara's Benefactor's, getting him settled and all his stuff moved in (cause he's moving to Edmonton.. Think I forgot to mention that part... YAY!)

And THEN, likely around Mondayish, I'll be back at my house (awwww) Where I will go pick up my bio unit, finish school work, help get the house in good order for ~RedHead-Pixie's wedding, hopefully get signed up for classes with Firefly Theater (the Aerealists) and maybe a bellydancing class. Who knows!

But the point is, that some time over the next few weeks, I will most likely be posting a LOT of stuff.... So beware!!
Ahem... Yes...
Hugs and Love to all!

Colette

Edit: OH MY GOSH! I completely forgot to tell everyone. So, My Nikon D40 broke awhile back (see: having a swift meeting with the concrete), but I have a camera again (obviously, how else did I take that many pictures in Quebec?) and, it is now a D60, and we got a telephoto lens, and 2 UV filters (one for each lens) SQUEEEEE! Right... off to be productive now... Or eat KD... who knows.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Dancing in the Rain http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/19238653/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/19238653/ Sun, 06 Jul 2008 15:58:27 PDT
"Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain"

]]> ~moonbeamballerina YAY! http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/19199108/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/19199108/ Fri, 04 Jul 2008 09:21:01 PDT PaintedMan 's photos that he took when he was playing with my camera last time I visited. I am very happy now! I mean, on the down side, this is further proof that my computer is a buggered up piece of junk, BUT, it means my memory card isn't broken, and I havn't lost some awesome picture. *insert Happy Colette dance here*

Also, I kind of feel like chopping off all my hair. I know I wont, but every couple months I just want to cut it really short. Or dye it... I still have brown temp dye from a show awhile back. It was a pretty color. Who knows. Maybe I'll be a brunette soon. I'm bitter because I"m not allowed to re-perm my hair until like... October... It sucks, cause apparently my hair is too "delicate" to perm more than once a year without risking completely frying it. *pout*

In more randomness that doesn't really matter but I feel like typeing anyways cause I"m in a babbly sort of mood with no one to talk to, I think I'm going to buy a skirt today. It's been so warm, and skirts are comfy, and I really only have one that I actually like wearing. Speaking of clothing.. I should unbury my bed and put away all my laundry... and finish cleaning my room... Right, off I go!


One last note - Apparently dA thinks I should still be "Questionable" because it STILL wont let me change my mood... Oh well.

I lied - one more thing. I've become addicted to a song called "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry. It's so incredibly "pop" and "girly" and things that I generally hate, but I can't get it out of my head and it makes me very happy.... Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that It's a song about a girl who is reflecting about the fact that she kissed another girl, just cause she felt like it. A bunch of my friends make suggestive comments as to why it is that I like the song.

Apparently I would make a wonderful Lesbian....

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Grr http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/19098561/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/19098561/ Sat, 28 Jun 2008 19:42:59 PDT
And I'm sick. Which doesn't help.
I give up. I'm going to bed.

And dA won't let me change my mood. I'm not questionable... I'm downright grumpy. Grump grump grump.

Goodnight.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Life goes on http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/17870229/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/17870229/ Tue, 15 Apr 2008 18:53:43 PDT

I hate to fall in to the catagory of "off-again on-again", but it seems I have. When my boyfriend came by on Sunday to drop off all of my stuff, we ended up sitting on the couch and talking for 3 hours. I cried a lot (big surprise there) and I realized that maybe the whole "I know this is the right decision" was more of a "I think". I guess I just got lost in the anxiety attacks. I had gotten rid of them for so long that when they suddenly came back, I completley fell apart. Anyways, I'm rambling. The point is, after talking for 3 hours, we figured some things out, and are going to give this another try. It's made a lot of people really happy, and a few frustrated and hurt. I'm still not one hundred precent positive this is what I want, but I know I need to try. I can't keep running away from things every time I get scared. If this relationship doesn't work, I have to know that it wasn't because I wasn't willing to try and make it.

Today... Today has been a bad day. Work sucked, I spent most of the day trying not to scream at people for being incompitent, completely overwhelmed by how much there was to do. I still don't know if they're bringing in a new manager or not. When I went by my outreach school, I found out that I have more Math left then I thought I did. I don't know how I'm going to finish it. Also, my plan of doing my bio diploma in August has now been scrapped, because I'm going to be in Quebec when the diploma is. So now I have to figure out some way to get almost an entire course done in 6 weeks while finishing mymath and working 40+ hours a week, drop the course entirely, or put it on hold till next fall and be stuck doing school work for an entire semester more. I'm so frustrated. On top of that, a math module that I handed in a month ago still hasn't been marked, and I can't write the unit exam until I see the unit. Gota love how life just seems to be screwing me over right now.

I hate sounding so bitchy and sorry for myself... today's just been one of those days. And yet somehow, life goes on.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Thought of the day http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/17691503/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/17691503/ Fri, 04 Apr 2008 23:04:03 PDT
I know it's cliche, but it's true. As hard as endings are, the new beginnings that they bring are worth the pain. It might take awhile to realize it, or to accept it... but I know that in the end, this is whats right.

What I mean to say is, life has changed a lot, rather suddenly. But I know that this is right, and what is best for me.

I'm no longer in a relationship, not because I don't care deeply for him, but because I'm not ready for a relationship at this point. I have too much that I need to do and deal with first, I need to deal with my issues before I can take on someone else. And most of all, I need to know who I am, and what I want, before I can expect anyone else to understand me and what I want. I didn't want to hurt him... I really didn't.... and I know he's hurt, and angry. But it's something I had to do. Endings are hard.... but I hope that this new beginning will be the best for both of us.

I'm also currently the acting manager of my store. My manager got transfered to another store, and we wont be getting a new manager for a few weeks. So until then, I'm in charge. It's stressful, and kind of intimidating, but I really do love the challenge.

I'm not going to be able to get my school work done in time to do my math and bio diplomas in June. With the extra hours that I've had to take on for work, I'm just dont have time for all my school work. So, i'll do my math diploma in June, and my bio diploma in August. That will give me the time to deal with everything.. I suppose I should go over this with my teacher still, but it should work.

The point of all this is that there are a lot of ends, and a lot of beginnings. My life has been full of both recently. And I'm okay with that.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Lollyblogger alert! http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/16308879/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/16308879/ Mon, 07 Jan 2008 22:23:44 PST

The past year brought two very complicated boys into my home, and then, out of my life.
It presented me with amazing oportunities, even if I didn't realize it at the time.
It let me finally break free of a very damaging relationship.
I discovered my love for drawing.
I finally got a decent camera.
I became an aunt.
I lost a lot of friends.
I strengthened some true friendships.
I became "one of the girls"
I got a job which I love, and have kept it for 7 months
I got a perm
I entered into the most amazing relationship I could have ever hoped for.
I fell in love.

What the year taught me:
I've learned that I don't always have to be who they want me to be.
Sometimes making yourself happy has to come first.
I've learned a lot about who I didn't want to be and I'm slowly becoming the person that I want to be.
I've learned to love the person I am, even when I don't like her.
I've learned to love my body, even if it isn't perfect.
I've learned that friendships can change in the blink of an eye, and the people who you thought ment the world to you could turn their backs on you without saying goodbye.
I've learned that sometimes to move forward, you have to leave something behind.
I've learned that sisters truely can be your best friends.
I've learned that I can't make everyone like me, and thats okay.
I've learned that some friends are worth reconnecting with, no matter how long its been.
I've learned that sometimes just being yourself can change someone elses life.
I've learned that simplicity can be beautiful.
I've learned that being OCD really can be useful.
I've learned that I'm never going to understand why they did the things they did.
but more importantly... I've learned that maybe "why" doesn't really matter....
Despite everything, all the good and the bad, I think the most important thing that 2007 taught me was how to love without fear, without suspicion, and without sacrifice. That, and what it means to truely be loved unconditionally.

So here's to the new year. With any luck, I'll remember everything I've learned.

And now, it's your turn. I know I've been terrible with keeping in touch with the dA community, but nows my chance. To those of you who still bother to check my blog after... 6 months since my last post? I now ask you; what made 2007 memorable in your life, and what did the year teach you? Doesn't matter if its big, small, good or bad. Just something.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Wow.. it's been awhile http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/14116425/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/14116425/ Sat, 11 Aug 2007 08:22:15 PDT I'm working full time at La Senza, which is taking up the majority of my time, then sleep, yardwork, and occasionally seeing friends and family is filling up the rest of it. However, I've had access to a beautiful Nikon lately, and have taken some really nice shots on it, just havn't had the time to transfer them onto my computer and load them um here. Theoretically one of these days I"ll get my camera that dad promised me over a year ago, but we'll see. I got a $150 gift card to a little art supply shop called "The Paint Spot" which means I can go buy some new art pencils soon, which will mean I will probably start drawing again. To the people who started watching me right before I dissapeared, I apologize that there hasn't been anything much to watch! I will try to get some stuff up soon. And on that note, mum's taking me to go buy art pencils before I go to work, so goodbye all!

]]> ~moonbeamballerina NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13320717/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13320717/ Tue, 12 Jun 2007 18:49:07 PDT Moving right along...
So updating life and such. all sorts of things were said. Can't be bothered to retype... Tragedy really, it was all about how I've come to acknowledge that change is the only constant (oh the paradox!) and that there is no point dreaming of the past because I can't go back yada yada yada. The short of it is that I've come to accept that there are some things that I simply can not change, and that instead of making the futile attempts to do so anyways, I'm moving on with life, and making the most of it, being happy for all that is going good, all the awsome stuff that's happened lately, and not being brought down by the shit. I then moved on to a list of things that have changed since my last entry. I will undoubtibly forget some, but here's an attempt to repeat what was said.
- I have told my fears and phobias to **** off and leave me alone
- I have returned the green monster her rightful crown
- Though I don't have much motivation, I'm almost done my school work, and will get it done
- I've regained control over my OCD, and my paranoia has been given the same instructions as my fears and phobias
- I DID get the job at La Senza. I start Thursday. And my boss is awsome.
- Rehearsals for the 365 festival start soon
- I have a feeling it's going to be an awsome weekend
- I pulled a muscle in my leg really badly on sunday at my dance show. There was an incident involving a peice of tape on the stage and my footundie (a type of dance shoe) which resulted in a sudden and painful drop into the splits. It hurt. On the plus side, it didn't actually tear (though it definatly sounded like it did!) and I am doing fine as it seems to be healing very fast and very well.

There was way more.... but I forget. Oh well. I'm going to go take a bath.

You may now return to your regularily scheduled mundanity.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Super Cool Awsomness! http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13255260/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13255260/ Thu, 07 Jun 2007 16:58:44 PDT
The bad
1. I think I've lost my best friend, and I don't know why or how
2. Family life has been difficult lately
3. My fears and phobias have often times become very controling of me
4. I have a streak of jealousy that would make the infamous green moster envious
5. I have no motivation to finish my school work
6. My OCD and paranoia are acting up
7. Not so encouraging thoughts have been popping up in my head

The Good
1. I have a beautiful nephew
2. Some of my newish friends are really awsome
3. I most likely have a job at LaSenza. I'll know tomorrow
4. As much as I feel like no one cares, I know they really do
5. I got my ballet exam back, and I got 84/100, which is Distinction (really really good)
6. My dance teacher asked me to dance in a show she's directing in a few weeks for a festival, and I'll be getting payed 100$ for it.
7. I might be being "Hermione" at the Harry Potter party at my sister's book store this summer

And on that note, I'm going to make myself a massive jug of Ice Tea to keep me awake, while I make myself finish my school work, so that I can justify doing other stuff... like cleaning and laundry, and possibly drawing and playing photoshop. Wee

]]> ~moonbeamballerina I'm an aunty!!! http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13206386/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13206386/ Sun, 03 Jun 2007 18:58:15 PDT
]]> ~moonbeamballerina Ehehehehehehehe http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13116780/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13116780/ Sun, 27 May 2007 19:25:58 PDT
]]> ~moonbeamballerina Amazing Strangers http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13035525/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/13035525/ Mon, 21 May 2007 08:24:15 PDT
]]> ~moonbeamballerina Saying goodbye http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12934338/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12934338/ Sat, 12 May 2007 20:34:33 PDT
Baby D left yesterday. He went to his new home, to live with his new parents, to grow up happy and loved, and hopefully without the emotional scars that his birth mother left him with. Over a year he was with S and E's family. Over a year I saw him almost every saturday, played with him, wiped away his tears, changed his diapers, helped him walk, lay with him right next to me as he fell asleep, so that I was sure that he was okay, that he hadn't stopped breathing. Last week, he waved at Baby J and said "bwuddah!"... he had never said that before. It was one of his first real words, and I got to see it. It was heart breaking, cause I knew he would be gone soon, that Baby J wouldn't be his brother anymore, that I wouldn't get to watch him grow. On wednesday, his adoptive parents came for the final visit, and Baby D took his first steps, to his new mummy, and then his next one, to his new daddy. He's happy. He's adjusting well. They love him, and I know they will give him such an amazing life. But I wonder how long it will be till he forgets me? If I ever get to visit him again, will his eyes still light up when I come in the house and scoop him up into a hug? I knew he was leaving soon, I just didn't realize how soon. When I got to the house tonight, I expected him to still be here, no one told me he was already gone... But now there is an empty crib, and someone else will be kissing his forehead and laying him down to sleep tonight.


Now that I've gotten that out of my system (well for now at least), moving on. I messed up my leg pretty bad today. Tripped over a set of stairs backstage at rehearsal, and pushed the skin back in 3 places, and from half way down my shin to my toe is swollen and bruised. On the plus side, I can walk again. It hurts, but I can walk. My toes move more or less normally, just a little stiff. I didn't break or sprain anything, just bump it up pretty bad. I just hope that the swelling and pain settles down by Monday, cause I have a dance compitition that day. Other then that, life's okay. Stressful, frustrating, confusing as all hell, but okay. A lot has changed lately, and I'm not entirely sure when, or even if, it will go back to that messed up thing I call normal. I'm not really sure what I feel about a bunch of different things now, different people too. Has everything changed? Is that why everything feels so weird lately? Or is it just me that's changed?

]]> ~moonbeamballerina *sigh* not again... http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12773077/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12773077/ Sun, 29 Apr 2007 00:18:09 PDT
On the happy bouncy end of things, I was babysitting earlier, and my boys were being SOOOOOO cute. Sana, the 4 year old adopted FASD girl, was being hyperactive, mildly bratty, and cute as all hell, as per usual. Baby J and Baby D (foster boys, thus why I can't legally put their names) were being soooooo adorable. They're both learning to walk, starting to talk a little bit, and attempting to feed themselves which results in applesauce up the nose.... theirs and mine. But the point is, they are cute, and no matter what else is going on in my life, my boys make me smile, and feel all warm and fuzzy inside when they flap their arms, insisting that I pick them up, and then give me a giant hug, the span of their arms just barely making it across my torso, and then flomping (yes it is a word) their heads against my chest. Painful, but SO cute. Anyways. Tonight was particularily special, because Baby D, who barely can say any words, or maybe just chooses not to, was standing a few feet away from Baby J, and suddenly reached out his arm towards Baby J and said "BWUDDEUH!" (to those of you who don't speak baby, that says "Brother"). This was an extremely exciting moment for me, I squealed, clapped, gave him a big hug, and then phoned my sister... who proceeded to squeal as well. When the boys started to get sleepy, I put them both to bed, and sat in the dark in their room for awhile, just watching them, listening to their tiny baby breaths and going "you know what... life is good."

Now onto the lack of warning for monumental mood swings. I got home, and, though I don't know why, my mood crashed within about 10 minutes of walking in the door. Suddenly I was feeling like shit, with nothing in my mind except for the thought that I have no friends anymore... not that I really had an abundance to start with, but that's not the point. It was a combination of things that brought this unpleasent range of thoughts down on me. Getting asked to untangle the controller cords to the Xbox because he was busy talking to friends online, opening my purse and pulling out my cell phone half expecting to see that I had missed a call or a text message, and then remembering that no one has called me or texted me in over a week, comming on to the computer and not having a single email, nexopia message, or note, and not having anyone on msn try to talk to me. No one calls me anymore, no one asks me if I want to hang out, go to a movie, no body tells me when everyone is going out and doing something... I used to at least be able to count on my boyfriend and my best friend to want to do stuff.... But he's my ex now, and has lots of other people to share his time between, and my best friend is just too busy, too sick of people... but maybe it's something more?

How is it that with over 6.5 billion people living in this world, I still manage to feel alone...

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Awwwww! http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12265607/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12265607/ Tue, 20 Mar 2007 23:11:26 PDT
]]> ~moonbeamballerina ... why am I still awake? http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12150897/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12150897/ Mon, 12 Mar 2007 00:12:37 PDT
]]> ~moonbeamballerina Darn legalities! http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12056875/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12056875/ Sun, 04 Mar 2007 16:34:20 PST
]]> ~moonbeamballerina No title will do justice... http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12008117/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/12008117/ Thu, 01 Mar 2007 02:04:56 PST
V's hormones to R's hormones: Have you seen C's hormones? Total slackers, man.
R's: It's just not right. They've got no pride in their work, dude.
V's: Yeah- what kind of example is that? That kind of thing gets around, and all hell breaks loose.
R's: Like, 'What a nice day! I think I'll go to school and do well! Then later, maybe I'll have an emotionally secure relationship with someone of the opposite sex!'
V's: Sick, man. Just sick.
(Around the corner, C's hormones: Oh, dear. How many years do I have left? I guess I have kind of let things slide, haven't I...)

]]> ~moonbeamballerina Phooy http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/11984632/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/11984632/ Tue, 27 Feb 2007 08:16:04 PST
]]> ~moonbeamballerina Babble monkey babble! http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/11941827/ http://moonbeamballerina.deviantart.com/journal/11941827/ Sat, 24 Feb 2007 00:20:51 PST In other news... My brain hurts, and, as luck would have it, blogger has decided it hates me. When things go wrong, they really go wrong.
Oh well. Tomorrow, things will go right. I have decided it.
... It's snowing again. The world looks pretty.

]]> ~moonbeamballerina