http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:moth-seraph&section=today deviantART RSS for by:moth-seraph en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sun, 06 Dec 2009 06:30:43 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/23802615/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/23802615/ Fri, 20 Mar 2009 19:04:10 PDT
I've started a new, private blog. It's a really nice outlet where I can just write anything I feel and think and don't have to worry about who will see it or what they'll think or say. No, you can't have the link. Sometimes, it's nice to just get my words out there into the breeze so it can sweep everything away

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I find myself single again, and not looking. I'm comfortable with just myself. Sure, some days I would string a leprachaun up by it's ankles if I could only cuddle with someone I care about, but I deal with it pretty well most times.

This last month or so has been absolute hell for me. Friends are coming and going, people I want to be with forever are finding something else is necessary. So I turn into myself, finding my silver glow again and running with it. I'm finding I'm much more resilient than I thought I was. When something similar happened almost 5 years ago, I was destroyed. I thought I was again, but now, I'm doing just fine. It's okay to miss them, it's okay to be sad.

So now I find myself bored a lot, so I travel to nw Iowa to see my friends. I quit school (again, I know.) But I'm somewhat glad I did. If I hadn't quit school, I wouldn't have had the resources and time to explore my life. I'm irritated that it had to come to that again, but I'll deal with it as it goes. For now, I'm just enjoying my friends, taking care of my house, and finding my own magic in amazing ways.

In taking care of the house, and myself, I realize that I haven't done any of it since I was little!! I haven't done chores, or cleaned up after myself, or anything. I can't believe I came so far away from what I was so used to doing! (And I'll tell you, it's VERY tiring.) So I took some advice from mom. When I get upset or in a bad mood, clean till it hurts, pass out on a nice soft bed, and enjoy the cleanliness when I wake up.

I climbed up my grainbin again the other day and being up there was so enlivening. I couldn't believe how much work it took to get my big ass up there! When I was younger, I was thinner and more toned and used to doing all that stuff. Then, I got halfway up the ladder, looked down, and my adult self was scared! I couldn't freaking believe it, and was actually mad at myself for being afraid. I'd climbed that grainbin SO many times as a kid without a second thought and laughed in the faces of anyone who told me it was reckless or dangerous or whatever. So, I pushed past the fear, got to the top, and then I realized the chain ladder that was usually draped in the opening, was all wound up where I was supposed to sit! Having to push past the panic, I tried to lift the ladder and move it. It's too freaking heavy.... so I curled up on the bottom rung, wedged between the hand holds and sat there until my leg went numb because I was sitting sideways on it... So I started my descent... which was amusing cuz halfway down my pants dropped to my ankles *rolls eyes* at least it was just me out there. I just laughed it off. When I got to the bottom part of the ladder, my legs and back were scratched to hell by trees that are growing on each side of the ladder. I just laughed it off. It was nice for nature to touch me. But since it startled me and my phone rang and scared me, I missed the bottom rung and fell on my ass. XD Oh well.

I went out to the old farm to reconnect with the childhood I barely remember and to clear my head or think about what needed to be thought of. I found the front door locked, but found the key in the old familar place. Walked through the house (all but the basement. I escared of spiders. Even if it WAS winter) Sat on mom and dad's bedroom floor and just talked out loud to the world. Then, before I left my thoughts upset me so I sat and screamed at God. Looking back, it felt amazing to do that. I'd lost myself. Lost my love of nature. Lost... too much.

For a while I was tempted to go to Vegas with my twin aunts on a spirit-quest. That's all I can learn from them because the rest is inside. I know that now, but I didn't know that then. I'm still struggling with the idea of moving to nw iowa for a while to be closer to nature and friends. I'll decide when it's right I suppose.

I'm searching for magic and inspiration. And I'm finding it.

So, what is Kayla doing these days? She's cleaning and taking care of the house all the time (who knew, "housewifing" was a full time job. And it's just me here!!) I'm also working on a collage. I've discovered that I miss being creative and expressing myself. I can't draw like I used to, but throwing pics that speak to me onto a piece of posterboard is nice. I'm also looking for a job but it seems like no one is hiring (for now, I'm trying to sta... ]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/23390336/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/23390336/ Wed, 25 Feb 2009 17:08:39 PST
I am NOT leaving for Vegas in a month. I'm staying right here, in Des Moines. I'm going to put all my energies into finding myself, finding what I like and don't like, finding who I am and why, and if I need to change it.

Someday, I WILL be going to Vegas on a spiritual quest. That day is not today.

For now, I need consistency and a goal. My goal is Vegas and my consistency is my own.
-----------------------------

Well, the time has come. After deliberating for some time on the decision, I've finally made my choice. If I get my way, I will be shipping myself off to Las Vegas in less than a month. March 10th or so actually.

Yes, this means that I will be once again dropping out of school. This will be my third time dropping out of community college. Please do not lecture me on my decision. I have given it many many nights of thought and I seem to keep being led back to this decision.

Please don't be sad while I am away, I will come home to all the people that love me, hopefully better and personally stronger than ever. I don't know how long I will be gone, though I'm starting with a month.

Out of all the factors involved in this decision, the one that is tearing at my heart the most is being away from my friends. It is going to be incredibly hard for us all.

My decision was between either moving back to nw Iowa, racking up the debt and taking off to Ireland, or disappearing all together. I chose to go to Vegas to stay with my aunts who are in touch with a lot of the things I've loved and have been fascinated with. They're strong, loving people and I hope to grow as a person and a soul while I'm there.

My phone is going with me to the best of my knowledge, and I will have internet access. I decided to do this because when I was away from Des Moines I was happy. I need to get out of Iowa for a while.

I would really, really, really like to see all of my friends before I go. I'd like to spend a night with each one of you so please let me know asap when this will be possible. ALL OF YOU, my closest friends.

Please, stand behind me in my choice to better myself. Give me strength where I waver and hope where I am scared.
Love,
Kayla

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/21839842/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/21839842/ Fri, 05 Dec 2008 22:34:27 PST
I'm writing to talk to you. To communicate with you. I hope you read this, and if you know any of my or our friends that don't have the internet, please share this with them; I would greatly appreciate it.

I know that lately I've been horribly distant. I've ignored and not returned phone calls, failed to visit or write, just been flat out unfriendlike. For this, I wish to apologize from the bottom of my heart. I've been confused about life lately and I'm putting all of my focus into becoming something I actually like. I've taken a good hard look at some things and thanks to a few concerned ones of you, and some hard work, I've realized some errors.

Most of all, my errors have been treating you all horribly. I've been trying to balance my time and I've failed. I realize that you "can't get by in life with only one person."

I have much more work ahead of me, in changing my life into something I truly love, through and through. What I'm here to say now is:

I'm sorry. I want you by my side, all of you, my dearest friends from past and present. I want to reconnect, I want my friends back. If I've hurt you too much for this to become possible, I will grieve the loss of your friendship. I'm not claiming that I'm going to be perfect. But I'm going to try my hardest to see past my own things, and see you. Yes, you.

Please, I know some of you have given me a lot of chances and I've shit on them. But keep trying, please. I really do miss you... all of you.

I'm horrible at scheduling visits, but I do have a phone. We can talk for hours, and I will bear mom bitching about the cell bill. You're more important than money to me. If you don't want me to worry about a cell bill, email me. I also have unlimited texting on my phone.

Now, the thing most of you have been irritated about. Please let me explain. I'm dating a guy now, most of my friends know him. He's been a big part of my life lately and has helped in so many ways I can't put into words. I know that I've been monopolizing all my time with him when I get the chance, and it's because he lives 2.5 hours away from me. Now, please understand that I will still be spending as much time as possible with him. He means the world to me. But I want my friends in that world.

So please, if you can find it in your heart to forgive, and set a little bit of time aside to reconnect with me, I will try to do the same. It'll be tough, but if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth it. I don't ask that you forgive me outright, I've been far too crappy for that, I just ask that you give it another chance.

Love you, all.

Kayla

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/21164236/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/21164236/ Sun, 26 Oct 2008 00:39:30 PDT
I'm 100% sure that my medication isn't helping like it should. I cry a lot, I've been thinking of starting up cutting again (which is insane, I hate scars now!!!!)... my dermatillomania has gotten out of control. I feel like a diseased, used up, struggling shadow of a person. This isn't me. I know it's not. It's not who I want to be.

I feel so selfish, thinking of all this. I don't know why. I know that my loved ones need me to be there for them. With all my heart I would do anything I can to ease their suffering. But right now my mind is all blurry. It's blurred with all these issues spoken and unspoken. How do I take a handle on it, and still show the people I love, that I LOVE THEM?

So now I lose a few more days, or weeks, or months, to getting my meds sorted out, to get my mind back to stable, my heart to heal... I hate losing all this time. I only have so much, and those that love me can only have so much patience... I wish I could show them how much I'm hurting. How much these thoughts and feelings that are so unlike what I want, haunt me. Maybe they would have more patience. Maybe they could understand just a little bit and hold me closer. Maybe when I see the ones I love, we'd love like we'd never see each other again. I don't know. I don't feel like I know much of anything anymore.

My philosophy book has positively dazzled me of late. Yet some of the realizations are haunting me. A sort of truth I couldn't grasp before. I just wish others knew of it and took it in like I do.

How do I bring others into myself? How do I show them all I feel and know, all my world as it is. Especially Brian. How do we bridge this gap that is forming in my heart? I'm scared, and I'm sad, and I don't know what to say anymore, to anything..

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/19904279/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/19904279/ Mon, 11 Aug 2008 19:34:56 PDT
This weekend I went with Kendra to go camping and then go to our Slipknot/Disturbed concert. I was so excited to leave on thursday I couldn't even sit still waiting to be picked up. I finally got picked up, went to Kendra's, watched Howl's Moving Castle, and then went to bed. We left bright and early next morning (6am) and drove all the way to Illinois. We dropped off her parents and then went and set up the campsite. We were so tired we went to bed early but TONS of people drove by our site and it was annoying. One even pulled into our site and sat there a few times. Kendra went out and tried to confront them once but they drove away. We were cranky. It didn't help that somewhere, live music was going and it was LOUD, and the guy was a horrible vocalist. nothing like bad music as a lullabye. We woke up, had a breakfast after battling it out with the fire (again, hard to light. being difficult) and figuring out the secret to the cast-iron skillet.

That day we went to the mall in Joliet and met up with Karol, Kyle, and Gordon. We got our usual greeting from Kyle, a flying hug that nearly knocks us down. Walked around a bit, bought myself some new cheap shoes (since my dumbass forgot my tennis shoes. Flip-flops at Slipknot concert?? no way.) Then we went to BD's (the best Mongolian grill there is around) Had a bunch of laughs and then went out to the truck as it was POURING rain. We were all soaked and so was the inside of the truck because we left the windows down for Tootsie (Kendra's dog who we had to take with us cuz we couldn't leave her at the campsite. Don't worry, she had food and water!!!) got a lil turned around on the way to Walmart, I was dead tired so I stayed in the truck while they played around. Kendra, Karol and I all went back to the campsite and had a lot of fun that night. (Even though Karol probably doesn't remember it. SAD!! "Bitch, I mean darling, make me a sammich!!!!! Oh, make Charlie a sammich to! I'm sooo sorry you're charlie." She even called me a slut and said the horrific c-word and it didn't phase her. It was a great time.

Sunday we got up, had breakfast, and headed to the concert. We got there, a huge place (amphitheatre), stood in line, Kendra was told she had to remove the chains on her pants even though they didn't come off so she had to rip them off, walked in, got handed a program and saw that our bands didn't even start till 835!!! We were supposed to leave town by 7 cuz Kendra's mom had surgery the next day! They both start walking back to the car which was quite a trip and I stayed by myself people watching cuz my feets were killing me and I'm fat and out of shape. haha. They came back, Karol was so pissed she was almost crying, and we were all worried about her mom. We were basically told either stay there and make mom travel really really early (concert ended at 11pm-ish) or come home and miss our concert. We were all so upset and mad and near crying that we just decided to leave. I was ultra upset because the ticket cost was my bday present from my mom. I said something about it and Karol paid me back for my ticket. I felt bad for taking the money though............ We get back to where Kendra's parents were staying and there were a shit ton of people there, making my mood worse. After a brief trip to walmart (again) we came back and i had to be social.It fucking sucked because I was in a horrible mood. Kendra's dad even yelled at her for wasting the money!!!!! I couldn't fucking believe it. I wanted to yell at him but he's scary. lol.

We're gonna bitch to ticketmaster and see if we can't get a refund cuz they didn't say a damn thing about 12 other bands, and it made it seem like disturbed and slipknot's concert started at 2pm.

So at 6pm-ish we head back to Iowa... all in all I had fun, but I'm severely disappointed both for me, and for my friends. I loved camping, and I loved seeing Karol even more. But a 5 hour trip in a truck with 4 people and a dog.... >.<

Anyway.

All weekend I didn't get to talk to Brian and that sucked. He left me a couple voicemails just saying he loved me. I called a couple times and texted several times and got nothing in return..... So I'm worried.

Now I'm home and even after telling him I'd be home today, no call. So, I called him now that all is quiet and his phone is off. I'm guessing it's dead but I'm a bit upset that he didn't make sure to have it on because he knew I was coming home. So now I'm upset on top of this weekend.

I put in a financial aid appeal since it was cancelled and haven't heard back yet. I need to know soon because classes start in... *checks* oh fuck. 2 weeks. I hope I hear soon!!! So I'm all sorts of stressed out and worried and irritable and blah..................... too much stuff in my head lately. I don't know what to do. I need to talk to my counselor but she's just had a baby and won't be back f... ]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/19459165/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/19459165/ Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:21:57 PDT
Started counseling. Only one session but I think it's going well. The lady I'm meeting with seems to be very good and incredibly understanding and intuitive. I hope it keeps going well.

I'm struggling to get back to school this fall. Mom is fighting financially so dad is helping us out for a while. The way they talk to me makes it seem like they don't believe I can do it, or they're skeptical of my abilities. I wish they'd just stand by me and say you can do anything you put your mind to.

I was out of medication for about a week but I'm back on them now. No more manic mania!!!

I started dating a wonderful man named Brian. We went to school together as kids and he's always had feelings for me. I finally opened my eyes and saw what a wonderful person he is so we're exploring our feelings for each other. I love him dearly and only wish we lived closer. (He still lives in NW Iowa, where I grew up.)

Other than that, not much is going on. I'm still struggling along, attempting to get my life in line.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/18424814/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/18424814/ Wed, 21 May 2008 18:53:34 PDT
Anyway. Just a lil update since it's been a while.
Got my wisdom teeth out about a week ago. The left side of my jaw is still killer. I was on narcotic pain meds for about 5 days and detox was worse than I remember. All I wanted to do was hide in my room in the dark, cuddle up with someone, but if it wasn't the person I wanted, I didn't want to be touched. I didn't want any one to talk to me, I couldn't sleep without severe nightmares/night-terrors, and I woke up in a drenching sweat every time. I was cranky towards loved ones and I was completely depressed. Still kinda am but it's slowly getting better. I hate my easy addiction to pain killers. Now I'm just on a ton of tylenol and ibuprophen (and benedryl to help me sleep -.-' )

Work is doing alright, now that I have a different manager who understand and sympathizes with what I need to be doing and how to talk to me. I've still been replaced and won't be in the front desk position, but my manager and I both agreed I wasn't ready yet.

Mom and I had a sit down scream/cry fest, our 3 month breakdown because I bought a DVD and mp3 player. She was mad I spent money we didn't have. I was mad because I live here so I don't HAVE to spend money on rent, etc. So we ended up battling it out in the middle of the living room. Eventually ending in her asking me why I hated her and thought her such a terrible person and all I could respond with is "I could ask you the same thing"... I ended up leaving the next day to go to nw Iowa for a little getaway time from her. Well, it's been about a month and the tension is building again. A lot. It makes me want to move out but I just don't have the resources. She's always on me about work, and getting a 'normal sleep schedule' and working on getting my life together. I'm taking all the steps I'm capable of right now and I understand she gets frustrated but it hurts my feelings when she's always on me about it and not outwardly appreciative of the progress I've already made. She told me that she would never kick me out of her house, and I'm damned glad because I would end up on the streets. I think she knows that and it's why she doesn't do it.

I'm becoming very close and somewhat attatched to a guy I've been talking with. We went to all of school together and he's always had feelings for me. It started when I actually had a crush on his then, best friend. That was in middle school. I'm scared to death that I'll hurt him, because it's what I do best. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to get hurt either. But he's treated me better than any guy I've ever known (including Luke in some aspects, and he treated me like his queen. He actually had a religion based on me... but we were 15. it happens. anyway..) I just don't know what to do. There are some things holding me back besides past experience and it's hard to break through stigmas that I've been used to for so long. I want to give it a chance but I don't know if I can....

I want to run away again. Every time I do, everyone and everything melts away and time stands still until I have to leave. I feel so free and myself, loved and at peace. I don't know how to hold onto that feeling. Who knows, maybe I'm holding onto the guy because that feeling comes with him.

SHITT!! I'll edit this more later. mom's up in 5 mins and I don't wanna hear it.!!

EDIT: Ok... um... edit. Right. Last night my mind wouldn't shut up with things I wanted to say and now I'm at a loss so I'll start again. I went to the oral surgeons that took out my wisdom teeth cuz a week later I was still in pain bad enough to wake me up. He thinks I'm either grinding my teeth, clenching my jaw, or have a minor dry socket (the last was my guess). He came at me with a strip of gauze soaked in sedative and stuffed it into the socket that was bothering me >.< It fuggin hurt! So I'm guessing that's the problem cuz now, a few hours later, no pain! If I wake up tomorrow and there's still no pain, I'll know it was a dry socket. I was doing some researching online and someone said the gauze they had tasted like christmas.. (usually clove oil). Either I got a really medicated strip, or their parents cook with hairspray and their xmas tastes like a radioactive reindeer's ass. *nods*

Other than that, mom and I got my cell plan updated. it costs us 30 more bucks a month, but i've been going WAYYY over my text messages. now I have unlimited to everyone! WHOOT! So that's a little bit of anxiety money wise that's been taken care of. And I used my money to fill mom's gas tank to help her out since she's broke from bills. I really want to go to nw iowa if my guy friend can't come see me next weekend, so I hope I'll have enough money for that. *crosses fingers and toes*

Tonight I'm just chillin at home, too poor to drive to Kendra's to play at abandoned hous... ]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/17082047/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/17082047/ Tue, 26 Feb 2008 23:15:36 PST
So that's it. No updates, just sharing

Check out `Davenit.... his gallery blew me away.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/16544743/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/16544743/ Wed, 23 Jan 2008 23:15:26 PST
World, give me the strength to let me do what matters and ignore what doesn't. Instead of the other way around most times...... Friends, I'm sorry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------



in other news.... just because I'm here anyway and it's easier than posting two separate blogs. Though you can certainly regard this one as two separate ones.

I'm writing a lot lately.... I'm not saying what it will turn into yet, because I can't be all that sure it will turn into anything. But I'm trying. Though I've started it writing it down in my notebook... I'm thinking I should type up what I have and keep writing on here. Cuz damn, does my hand cramp a lot when writing with a pen. Especially at 4 am.

So, today was fucking fantastic. I woke up late for work. I watched one of my best friends cry because of things her mom said do her and we were shopping which made my foot sear in Pain. Which brought up my issues I have with my mom whiched caused me to fight back tears (didnt work) while I ranted all the way home from the mall. Then I told a friend to come over cuz he offered to the previous night. He said no, he was at a bar. Then wouldn't answer any of my messages. Then I get home and discover I forgot about a very important persons's birthday and I hurt her... I hope she didn't cry. I know she and I share a deep depression induced on our birthdays. Now I hurt because of that too...... Stupid fucking stupid fucking stupid.

So, what do I do now?

I guess I go in my room and write.... and write...... and write.......... and know it won't go away.

Fuck.... I have to be up at 6am >.< I guess it's time to sign off. I intended to write quite a bit more but I just don't have it in me.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/16327881/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/16327881/ Wed, 16 Jan 2008 15:39:11 PST The catch is that to qualify, you need to post the same deal in YOUR journal.
Simple as that. Good fun eh? I doubt I have a whole lot of people that see my journal, but what better way to get your work out there? Ready??? GO!

1. CygnetFlying

[link]
[link]

[link]

2. LadyKenora
[link]
[link]
[link]

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/16046198/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/16046198/ Sat, 22 Dec 2007 15:34:24 PST
I'm pretty bummed out this xmas season. Normally I'm pretty festive feeling this time of year. The snow makes me all warm and melty inside, thinking about all the family and friends that show how much they care.

This year, I'm really not feeling it. I've become more and more distant from all my friends and family. It hurts to think about it because I lay in bed and realize all I have to show for myself right now is a few visits from even fewer friends every couple of weeks, and a job that really isn't getting me anywhere that I aspired to be in life. Seeing that in myself royally pisses me off to no end. Where does all the bullshit stop?

I have a family that generally tries to help me and support me in everything I do, but I don't think a single one of them understands me the way all of my friends used to. And now that I've lost touch with so many of them... who knows how long it will take to get back our connections, if we ever do....

God, that's a terrifying and depressing thought. If we ever do... Is it possible that I've gone so far into myself that I might never get some of my loves back? Have I really sacrificed that much trying to keep myself in one piece?

I can't wait to go to Brian's tonight. Hang out with a friend who truly cares and wants the best for me in every way. Who will never ignore my phone calls or brush me off his shoulder just because he doesn't feel like it........ shit..... like I have done to so many others. To quote my Aimee.. "hooray for self loathing"

I really really really really wanna get drunk right now. Even though I always get in trouble when I do that......

Every word that I'm writing right now tears at my heart, and I'm not even writing what is deep inside. So many people I'd like to say a word (or a zillion words) about... and I can't bring myself to do it. Is it because I love them so much and I can't bring the words out? Is it because I'm ashamed of them or afraid what they'd say if I wrote about them on the internet? Or do I just hate myself that much... that I can't write what I truly feel about them.

GODDAMNIT I'm choking back tears. I'm done fucking writing. Just a few more words.

Sabby-kitty. I miss you a lot. I wish I could hold you right now but you're gone.

Time to look up how long it takes to cook a ham that was frozen solid..... cuz I can smell it and I dun wanna burn it.

Fucking tears. Quit falling. Now.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/15413011/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/15413011/ Wed, 07 Nov 2007 20:52:01 PST
I've just ingested some plant food and I have no idea if it's toxic or not. Cannot find the wrapper it was in and don't feel like throwing up just to dig through smelly, sticky trash.
--Not calling poison control because frankly I don't feel sick and it was 45 mins ago. I figure, if I'm dying, I'd notice... right? Anyway, since I can't find the wrapper they would tell me to induce vomiting and like I said, I don't feel like throwing up tonight.

Other news:
-I wrote a poem about my cat, Sabby (may she rest soundly) It will be up in a day or so.

-I received a summons to court to go to Jury duty (which I would actually LOVE to do....) but I never got my paperwork filled out and didn't show up. Now they might issue a warrant to hold me in contempt of court. I had no fucking idea that could happen, and neither did my mom. Will be contacting the Jury Leader or whatever their title is and trying to straighten this out.

-It's been a very worrying day, and swallowing plant food.... didn't help.

In BETTER news....:
-I got a job on October 16 and have been working at my mom's office part time. I do filing, restocking of vending machines, delivering and depositing money/material goods for the company, stuffing checks, credit card balancing and a few other various things. May eventually be full time. They are very understanding there about my health and my past history (or lack there of) when it comes to work experience and I work alongside with my mom and Jessie. They're both great and I actually don't dread work!! YAY!

In WORSE news...:
-I started smoking... and haven't stopped. I hate myself for it because I promised myself I never would do that nasty habit... but for all you nicotine junkies out there, I'm sure you understand.



Anyway, I think that's all for now. Off to bed to read and sleep...
You'd better be hoping I don't die!!!

Yes, you. I see you over there shifty eyed and laughing at me. You won't be laughing when I'm dead.
Unless you're my enemy.
In which case you shouldn't be reading this.
And I'm going now.
But seriously, if you're laughing when I'm dead, why bother reading this? What a waste of your own precious time...

Yeah... Goodnight.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/15243143/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/15243143/ Sat, 27 Oct 2007 12:16:03 PDT Current mood: Devastated
Category: Devastated Blogging

Hey all,

Just an update.

Today mom took my cat, Black Sabbath (better known as Sabby) to the animal hospital because she wouldn't eat or drink. She came home and told me we have to say goodbye and right now she's taking her back to the hospital to have her put to sleep. I know it's better for her this way instead of taking her to the hospital every time she gets sick. I know how that is and I don't want her to have to suffer. I said my very tearful goodbyes and I will never see my baby again. It's so hard knowing that when I call her name, I won't have a furry ball of love come to me.

I called my sister to let her know and I could hear her towards the end tearing up and her voice broke. We told each other we loved one another and hung up. I just didn't want to see my baby go. I'm gonna miss her so much.
P.S. Megan: I'm keeping the pink rubber ducky she stole from you. I hope you understand. We're burying her with the slingshot monkey that I got for christmas because she stole that from me and carried it around by the cape.
---Rest in peace my little baby. I love you and never wanted to see you go.


In other news... my body is falling apart again. No, not cancer.

Last night while I was sitting on my computer, I moved and heard a loud "pop" come from inside my body. Instantantly I felt excruciating pain and was in tears. I scrambled my way upstairs, swung mom's door open and turned on the light and told her to wake up. She sprang up...... scared the shit out of both her and me.....

Long story short, the pain is still here when I move, breathe, cough, or pretty much do anything. I can't lay down any way but on my back and it's damn difficult. I will probably be going to the E.R. later today to see what's going on.

That's all I have for now... Gonna go numb my brain with videogames.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/14920464/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/14920464/ Thu, 04 Oct 2007 23:20:27 PDT
I must admit my blood is all astir now. I revere these people's way of life. Rituals, families, warrior challenges.

I can't even put into words how I feel about this but I'm going to try. I am absolutely in love with the fact that there are still humans out in the world who are not like Americans. They have utmost respect. Their rituals cause pain, blood, and best of all, a position of honor. The episode I watched uses wrestling tournaments after a ceremony which is reserved to honor their dead. I'm truly fascinated and at the same time, utterly irritated at our way of life. We deem blood shed to be negative in all forms. Our wars are petty and get us no where. I don't condone war in any sense or any form. But these people... I don't even know the word. Noble perhaps? Truly, truly noble. I want to live among them. I'm weary of the every day mentality of America. Get up, do your shit, go to bed. These other people. They don't live by the confines of time, they live only by the confines of life, death, and honor. It is so... primitive and I've always loved that aspect of things. I actually had the urge to eat a lot of meat while watching this show. Because it's natural. Because it's tribal. All of these synthesized things around me make me want to break them and start over. I need a mud hut. Someone take me to a mud hut so I can live and thrive. This life is surely suffocating.

On a more girly note.... one of the warriors, who's name is Rajko... positively boils my blood, and in a very good way. His image and visage leaves nothing for me to be desired. I want to touch him... I want to get to know him. He's very appealing to me and I find it odd, as there are very RARELY anyone who can do this. And he's practically famous and that saddens me. He's far out of my league. And what I find the most interesting, if not amusing, is I found him this appealing and then I found out that he's a man of deep religion. (at least, I think it was him. I only saw the show once so far) What is it about my natural attraction to well kept men who usually are of religious orientation? It always seems to happen that way. It actually makes me laugh at Freud's belief that you are innately attracted to men like your father (as mine is a methodist minister, but I don't find him attractive ewwwww)

But Rajko if somehow, if the saints that may or may not exist touch me.... and he finds this. I want him to train me. I want him to be the one that hones my body into it's top physical and mental condition. And I want him to be my warrior. I know, it sounds very girly. I would bow down before him. Not like, creepily though.

Anyway, I'm off.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/14884335/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/14884335/ Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:07:26 PDT
I'm not saying that I don't feel these things from time to time and completely identify with these models because I do. But I'm just so sick of it!!!

btw... if you can't already tell, this is me, ranting.

I think all of my irritation with this subject really started when a well known artist here on DA submitted a series of a very overweight female with a rodent of some kind (looked like a mouse to me but I went with the "correct" term just in case) and it was professing the idea that only the rodent loved her no matter what she looked like. I was outraged! I mean of COURSE there are some people who feel that way. I used to EVERY DAY. But I'm just so sick of seeing it.

Now, I know that Art doesn't always (and actually shouldn't) portray beautiful things. In fact, I find beauty in very ugly things. That's not what I'm attacking here. I'm attacking the ideology that overweight people ARE ugly.

And the fumes are gone for now. I'm off.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/14308129/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/14308129/ Thu, 23 Aug 2007 17:58:02 PDT
Kayla

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/14142183/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/14142183/ Mon, 13 Aug 2007 01:04:34 PDT
I'm sitting here and my heart hurts. Literally and figuratively I suppose. My stomach is uneasy and all over things just... don't feel right. I feel like I should have a pipe of fragrant tobacco sticking from betwixt my teeth, sitting in a red satin robe in a large leather chair. Candelabra about my head while my hand works furitively on some stroke of genius. But I'm not. I'm here in my lounge pants and ratty old t-shirt. Sitting at my mom's computer as mine isn't working properly, and just... thinking.

I'm thinking about how scared I am these days. Without my Luke to protect me. Without my own resolve to get me through the day. More and more, the maddening idea that my cancer or something equally damaging is back. I don't know why this feeling is there, perhaps because my life is out of control. Perhaps because my body is sending off signals it never used to send, even though I cannot interpret them. I think, but don't properly remember, that I had these feelings just before the first time I had cancer showed up. But I truly don't remember. It's been 5 years ago already since it was found. 4.5 since it was treated... and 3 since Luke has been gone.

These thoughts flash through my mind with increasing frequency these days. I think of calling his mom's house, finding a number I can reach him at. I want so for him to be in my life again whether just friends or something else. But I just don't pick up that phone.. A thousand possibilities have all played themselves out in my head. Each one as frustrating and heartfelt as the one before. Perhaps I'm afraid of what I could find out. Perhaps I don't want to hurt him like I did so in the past. All of these thoughts are ludacris of course because I'm a firm believer that if the love is there, follow it to the ends of the earth. Even after 3 years, I would move up there in a heartbeat. Nothing here is holding me. It's all so very brilliant and so very stupid at the same time.


I've got that sensation.. or lack thereof. That my entire life is a dream. Not literally this time. But all my memories and past thoughts feel like some hazy dream. That never really happened to me. And yet I'm constantly plagued by them.

Things keep flashing across my brain, things I could write. Things I have written before. But I feel so careful tonight, like I'm tip-toeing across these ideas. I don't want to touch on them too much... but I want to fall into them utterly at the same time.

For instance... just because I want to keep typing, as it's distracting and resolute at the same time.

I want to be.. what's the word I'm looking for... sane? alive? concious?... none of them fit, and yet they all do. Anyway. I want to be something. I can't say I want to be something again because I'm not sure I've ever been sound. But I want to be it. Maybe that's my problem. I want something but can't name it. Anyway, I want to be *it*, so that I can go on with life. I want to be cherished by someone, needed by someone special. I want to devote myself utterly to them and myself, and life. Perhaps these thoughts at 20 are too serious, but they're all I've ever known. This is the way I've always worked....

I've always overthought everything. Everything has always held meaning for me. Every single possibility goes through my mind, all at once, and they are thought through at every moment. I used to get teachers telling me I thought too much. I laughed at them... but then I'd think. Aren't I supposed to? Since when do teachers discourage the analysis of things? I don't know why I do it. I don't really think there's a reason. It's just how my mind works. I like it, but it makes things tedious some times.... frequently actually. There's no way to explain, express, or convey the process my mind goes through. Maybe everyone does but they're not concious of it. So the question is posed again. Gift, or curse?

Without a doubt it makes things more beautiful. But it, of course, makes them ugly as well. Often at the same time. But then, I find beauty in all three of those possibilities.

Wow.. I've really gotten off on a spiel here. But I guess when I let the chemical signals from my brain transfer through my fingers this will happen. I can only imagine the length of script this would be if I just let it go without monitoring and editing the signals. Perhaps it would be brilliant. No, scratch that. I know it would be. I just don't think others would see it.

I wonder what constitutes genius and brilliance. We refer to writers of the past to have brilliance. We say they were revolutionary thinkers. I am amused because so many of them were probably on drugs. I often contemplate what that... ]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13995108/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13995108/ Fri, 03 Aug 2007 01:19:37 PDT
Yay, I just saw, Home Improvement (tool time!!) just came on. Who knew there was actually good stuff on at 3 am. Last weekend on saturday I completely fell apart. My health these days isn't very tip top shape (been feeling like crap) and I went to the doctor on wednesday. Hopefully it's what she thinks it is and I won't have to do anymore tests... Oh how I hate the doctor. Plus, what she tested for wasn't all that bad of a thing (unlike the couple of things I thought it might be)

So... I'm just sitting. Chowing on a chocolate chip muffin (jumbo size).. I don't feel like going to bed tonight though I'm sure I will. Waking up in the morning isn't fun. it's often late, I'm achey... blah. I just don't want to. Hmmm. Mom took down all the art and pictures on the walls and now our walls in the apartment are bare. It looks really weird. Like the apartment is all naked and being abandoned. I wonder what the person moving in after us will be like. I hope they give the obnoxious neighbors absolute hell until they're driven out. I know I did all I could. And I'm pretty sure that mom said they aren't getting their lease renewed when it's up because of how many problems they've caused. I won't miss them! Lets hope when they're kicked out they don't move next to mom and I in the house! That would be terrible!!

Maybe I'll go take some pills or hug my popcan for a while, read some of my bood, and see if that makes me sleepy. G'night.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13690376/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13690376/ Wed, 11 Jul 2007 02:05:09 PDT
Every breath I take, every song that I hear, ever step I take is starting to feel like I'm alive again. I dare say it, I'm nearly happy. For so long I have been living in a fog. Despair, depression, terrible thoughts for what I thought was a terrible person. But I don't think I'm terrible anymore. Troubled, yes. Tragic, indeed. But things are feeling better. For quite a while, even driving fast lost it's flavor. Every move I made hurt to the very core of my being. But tonight (technically this morning) things are looking better. More clear.

I think I was in a fog of medication for many years. I'm finally starting to come out of it and it is beautiful. Enjoyable. I almost feel like I'm in love again (but can't be, as there's no one special in my life like that right now) Though I dare say I really like this feeling. I don't want it to ever go away. On my way home I was nearly crying from happiness.

My summer has come home to me. The rays of the sun are bright and they burn, but they feel good. I feel actually alive.

Though, I am irritated because I had so many inspiring and wonderful things I wanted to say on here and they've since dissapated and merely left me with this gloomy feeling... The feeling was there and it was beautiful. I think it will even come back again. I do hope it does. I've longed to be alive for such a long time now.

Anyway, I just got home from the Midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It was a startlingly stunning movie and where, they did leave out quite a bit of the book and things weren't as developed as the book, it was quite well done and 2 of the new characters were spot on. I deeply despised the mockery that was the movie version of the 4th book but the 5th has pulled ahead with stunning skill. At first I was unsure but the music score of this movie was very well placed.

Enough about the movie. Last night I had an experience that I've been desiring for a long time. It wasn't anywhere nearly as enchanting as I might have hoped but it was enjoyable all the same. There was some horrendous snoring, my muscles ache, and there are bite marks that are going to hurt for a couple weeks. There was actually a sense of passion. I won't give any more details because it's not necessary. I just wanted to commemorate all these things in my blog.

All hope is not lost. And although being at home drains my emotional wellbeing, (there must be some bad auras cluttering up the place) I'm glad to just sit and relax. But, now that I'm home, I have a touch of melancholy that could bring me tears, but I don't care.

I do miss Luke, terribly so. Now that I'm ready to enjoy life and not drag the ones I love down, I wish so that he was here with me. I want to share my love with him. But I have done him wrong and I suppose I must atone for my sins (for lack of a better word). I wish I could call him and talk for hours. Remembering him brings tears to my eyes and chokes me. I can't help but continue to shed tears for my lost love. Even after 3 years... Perhaps I'll try yet again to get his friends to give him the message to call me. And perhaps... one of these days he'll forgive me enough to try again...... though I'm sure it's merely dreaming.

Anyway. Now that I've calmed down. Haha, it's kind of funny (and utterly pissing me off a little lol) that lately a few of my ex's have started to talk to me. All but the one I want to call me! Maybe if I just have patience........haha.

And my heart just sank. And tears are falling again. I just read that a good friend of mine, Toby, will be sent out again as of the 20th. I'm hurt, and angry, because he was just here and he didn't say a goddamn thing about it. Though I did find it weird that he wanted to come and actually slept here... I didn't get a chance to say goodbye and I'm sure that's how he wanted it but god fucking damnit. I knew I would regret what I was thinking about and didn't do. And it was even in my head, echoing "people are precious and you never know when the last time you'll get to see them is". By god when I see him again, He'll be slapped. And slapped hard. And then hugged. Fucker. I had to find out via facebook. It's less than 10 days away. And I think I'm gonna be sick. He deserves the 4am text message he just got.

Every time it's like I'm losing a piece of my heart. But no one else gets that......

well, whatever. Despite my tears, I still love life, even if i'm stricken with grief from time to time. But I am definately grief-stricken right now. I don't even know what to do with myself. I just keep cursing.... I'm trying to get a grip though... it's not working. I need a damn hug now. Ugh, I'm irritated. I seriously don't know what to do with myself. I'm just sitting here completely dazed.

Ahhah. I'll do what he does. Go get... ]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13613349/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13613349/ Wed, 04 Jul 2007 21:43:28 PDT
I haven't really had a good birthday since I was 16 and I have to admit, I really wasn't looking forward to this one, in fact, I was dreading it. But even though I didn't get any presents ($60 total, and a possible $100 more coming from mom), and i didn't get to see any friends, I DID have a good birthday. I thank everyone for the birthday wishes and Jenn for being there to hear me bitch and wanting to spend the weekend with me. We'll see if i can get her up at 7am to go to the Farmers Market downtown on saturday. If not, she can sleep in but I'm going with mom. Mom asked what I wanted to do for my birthday and I told her I wanted to go down there. (DAMNIT one of my nails just broke. grr. now I have to cut them all) anyway.... I'm happy that I had a good birthday. I must admit, even though I'm only 20, I feel old. When you look at it as a number it's not that big. But when you think about how I've been alive for 20 years.... it's kind of awe-inspiring. Maybe I'll start getting off my ass and do something with my life. haha.

Well, although it would have been more fun to go out and party after the fireworks, it's alright that I came home to sit by myself instead. People were getting on my nerves (we were, again, stuck in front of some real jackasses this year)

Hehehe I'm gonna go on about the fireworks some more. They were FANTASTIC. They didn't last any longer than 20 mins but they were constant, and the show was put together very well. The fireworks were high quality and I find myself wondering how much that show cost. Maybe I'll look it up later.

The other day, I remembered something. On surverys that asked "What did you dream of being when you were little" I always answered nothing because I didn't remember having dreams like other kids. but I DID... And you know what they were? I only remember 2. They were...
First: To move to a tiny, secluded island (I had my eyes on the ones in the far southern atlantic) and teach in a school there.
Second: To be a pyrotechnics worker, making fireworks, specializing in fire, etc.....

So yeah, I had dreams! YAY! Now, I'm not planning on doing either one. But, I think if my chiropractic dreams fall through, I think I'll fall back on being the pyrotechnics thing.

Well... I'm off to spend the rest of my night recovering from being walked all around downtown today and yesterday. And you know how I'm gonna do that? MUFFINS!!!!!!!!! (no, not the baked good. I'LL be the "baked" good. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) <.< >.> i'm off. Hope everyone's doing well. ]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13218443/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13218443/ Mon, 04 Jun 2007 17:30:52 PDT Birthday: July 3
Religion: Agnostic, though I was raised methodist, and was always fascinated by the catholic ritualistic way of things
Parents: Mom and Dad, duh. they're both a bit... yyyeeahhhh...
Do you love them: Sometimes
Brothers or sisters: I have one sister
Do you like the place where you live: Eh. I'd rather be in Ireland. And a house.
Color of your eyes: Crystal Brown
Height: 5'6"ish
Weight: Sooo not telling you
What school/grade are you going to: Not in school currently. But I was in my sophomore year of community college
How many piercings do you have, and where are they?: So far, two in my left ear, one in my right, and my labret
Your life: Is a series of beautiful tragedies.
Lucky number: I'm lucky, but numbers have never showed a significant role
Good side of your character: I believe love is supreme
Bad side of it: I'm lazy, subject to mood swings, and I like to fuck with people sometimes.
Is your life happy: Uh, not really, I guess.
Do you think that you are crazy: More like, psychotic
What is the time: 7:17pm
Where are you atm?: Living room, couch
Computer?: Dell Inspiron 600m
What's the weather like: It was nice all day but I guess there's a chance of scattered showers later
Favourite day in a week: Any day of which I have no obligations. Usually Tuesday and Wednesday cuz I get to go adventure.
Favourite bands: I don't think I have one.
Favourite song: Lately I've enjoyed Maroon 5, "Makes Me Wonder"
Food: I wish Fazoli's hadn't fucked up their menu...
Drink: I like juice
Sweet: I loves chocolate.
Fruit: Peaches, pears, melon, um... I'm sure there's more
The worst food: Bitter green stuff
The worst drink: I dunno
Do you drink alcohol: Yes
Do you smoke: No
Do you take some drugs: Occasionally weed, but mainly just birthcontrol.
Do you think you're pretty: Sometimes I believe I'm beautiful.
What languages do you speak: English... pig latin? lol Um, I know a few words in Latin and a few words in Japanese (thanks to anime!)
Most beautiful guy: Luke
Most beautiful woman : All women are beautiful if they love themselves
The most beautiful person on dA/male: Of the ones that I know... Either *losthigh or ~Pathgalen
The most beautiful person on dA/female: There are many
Phobias: Bugs.
Are you in love: Not with anyone no, I'm in love with love.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Nope
How does he/she look like: o.O
When was your very first kiss: Age 14
How was it: a little... awkward
When was your very first sex: Age 14
How was it: Entrancing
E-mail address: Nah
Do you have something against gay people: Definately not.
The best experience in your life: Ireland
The worst experience in your life: Cancer
When were you the happiest: Luke
Who can make you happiest when he/she tries: Anyone who tries.
When were you the saddest: When Luke left me, and/or when my grandfather died.
Who do you want to go on a deserted island with: Wilson!!! hahaha just kidding. Toby. It would be interesting.
What would you do if you were invisible for one hour: Eavesdrop, naturally.
Tag X (usually 5) of your friends!!!: If I knew how, I would... actually.... no I wouldn't. lol. Or... would I? I don't really know.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13199917/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13199917/ Sun, 03 Jun 2007 09:06:54 PDT
No matter who I like, they don't like me back. I feel utterly ugly inside, though I don't think I'm an ugly person. I think I'm beautiful but no one can see it. I get so frustrated I just want to scream it in peoples faces.

I find myself incredibly irritated today. I don't feel good, I'm tired, cranky, and alone. Alex is here, but that's not what I mean. And I'm tired of talking about what I mean.. Fuck it, I'm done talking. This doesn't mean shit to anyone but me so I'm not even gonna fucking bother.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13134183/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13134183/ Tue, 29 May 2007 05:28:06 PDT
Just got done submitting some of my sketches into my scraps section so pop on over and check them out if you wish.

I'm a lil frustrated because I can't find my pipe and I really need a smoke right now. I guess I'll live though I'm starting to get cranky. I have all of this nice sloth and I can't have it Sad day. Not that many of you know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you do. I dunno.

I need a shower and I'm too lazy to take one.

Looked in the mirror the other day and was aghast at what I saw. I've gotten quite huge. It's revolting because I'm hanging out everywhere I never used to be and I've never been exactly healthy. (I'm not talking what everyone else finds healthy. That's fucking sick too. I refuse to see rib bones through my skin.) Anyway... I'm nauseated by my own appearance now, It's not helping...

Oh, and I still hear my heartbeat in my left ear... I'm seriously wondering if something is wrong. it's been 2 months now. who knows, maybe, brain tumor :S I'm probably just being the hypochondriac that cancer turned me into.

I'm just kind of talking. haha. So the last post I wrote I was all giddy and whatnot and the lil blue smiley I used to represent my mood is still down there jumping around and pissing me off. I think I'll change it to the one with two lil guys and one gets a fork in the face... if I can find it. ? I dunno Can't figure out how to view the emoticon thingy right now. Anywho...... gonna go use my cat for a pillow and maybe get some sleep.

But I'm going to PotC3 tonight. So... not all is lost

Edit: I just wanted to say, that I am having trouble caring about anything again. I sleep all day, up all night, doing nothing. I'm starting to hate myself again. Because I just don't care if I see sunlight. I just don't care if I'm huge. It's as if I'm nothing... nothing matters enough for me to do anything....*sighs* this is frustrating.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13068502/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/13068502/ Wed, 23 May 2007 20:13:07 PDT
On other good news, I'm not feeling as sick today, but when we went to get stuff at Walmart I almost passed out from walking around. It was uncomfortable and pouring rain when we got done. Mom hated it and was cold, but I had a small fever so the rain felt wonderful. Anyway, off to watch some movies, play with my phone some more, and get some sleep. Loves you all!!!

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12980544/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12980544/ Wed, 16 May 2007 17:10:37 PDT
Anyway, about the Vegas thing... It won't really be a vacation. It would be more like boot camp. haha. But maybe that would be good too *shrugs* Anyway. I'll think about it.

Newest news, I'm getting a new phone, and switching wireless carries from U.S. Cellular, to VERIZON. Please, if you are in the network, let me know. I'm just curious to see if any of my friends have it. Also... I'm getting a Chocolate(c) phone! WHOO! I've wanted one for a while now. And best of all, they have one at the place that arrived without it's own box, so instead of $150... it will be $50. crazy what they'll discount for inconvenience! It's not like it matters, cuz mom will probly get one too and i'll have all the info I need right there. But neither of us actually reads the manual so it doesn't matter. I'm excited!

As for the last topic in my subject line.... lol I dunno. I just decided to type boys. They're not actually on my mind tonight. Wanna know what is?....

Taking a nice, long shower. Filing my nails so they're all even, maybe making a facial mask to help with my acne... And just laying around. It sounds like an enjoyable night, most definitely. Blahhhhhhh.

Oh, does anyone else have firefox? Lately when I go to type out blogs and stuff, I get a red dotted line underlining words that aren't familiar or spelled right. Is it firefox's new upgrade doing that? or my websites?

Other than that........ MEW!

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12911525/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12911525/ Thu, 10 May 2007 14:03:35 PDT
I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is ecstatic. I love to travel, and I've always wanted to go out to see them. But... this sounds like it will be all work and no play. Which doesn't at all excite me. And I'll be without my friends which means no parties, no hanging out... They don't even have a dog for me to play with anymore. Molly passed away So I dunno..... Of course I'm gonna do it if they offer, but I'm kinda wondering if I'll be able to stand it. haha. We'll see.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12828332/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12828332/ Thu, 03 May 2007 13:45:33 PDT
I'd sent her emails detailing my concerns almost 2 weeks ago and I never got a reply from her. I ended up calling VF yesterday and she said that her "email hadn't been working and the email kept coming back to her" well, that's crappy excuses because I left her my phone number and she could have easily called me. I was supposed to have training THIS saturday and she hadnt even given me any information, or sent my paperwork, or details about my training/housing at all. So I'm just gonna scrap that idea. I'll get a part time job around here or something and travel this summer. Anyone want me to come see them?!? Hehe. I already plan on at least one trip to MN to go to Valleyfair itself and spend a day or so there, seeing my old roommates and whatnot. I'd also like to see all my other friends in MN so hopefully I'll get around to that too.

Anywho, I'm off. Just wanted to announce:

I AM NOT GOING TO BE AT VALLEYFAIR, AND WILL BE HOME THIS SUMMER!!!

(and thank fuck... I didn't know how much longer I could go w/o getting high.. *giggles*)

CALL ME LOVES.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12645620/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12645620/ Wed, 18 Apr 2007 17:24:31 PDT
I've developed bonds and attatchments, and loves for the people close for me. because I care about them, because of things they've told me. Because of things we've found in common... and now I can't recall how a lot of those things went. It's like I've lost the connections to people because I can't remember the conversations that caused an emotional response....

everything seems to... mean less to me now that I'm off of my medication now too. I don't know what to do. I'm quite upset, crying... freaking out. And I can't even put into words how i feel because I don'tk now words for these feelings... I wish I could explain better. Perhaps it would make me feel better to talk about it.

But at this particular time, I'm too upset to form sentences apparently. I'll be back cuz I always am. until then.......

Please:
-Forgive me for not remembering some things, or how I felt about them.
-Bear with me as I try to find out what happened and know that I still care even if I'm having trouble adjusting
-Just care for me, regardless of my seemingly insane notions.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12503687/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12503687/ Sun, 08 Apr 2007 00:19:16 PDT .> But, I'm leaving it up so if you need a reference to my madness, read on my loves....

WARNING: May find yourself covered in my brain matter if you keep reading... I'm telling you, I really did Asplode!!!

----------------------
f'ing A.
i need to just stop it. Why is it, when I feel replaced I get all posessive, and shit?! Annoying! I need to stop wishing I was someone else and find my own person to be. If they don't like me, I need to get the fuck over it and find someone who does.

Alright, so my depression didn't magically disappear. But what I'm dealing with now are my own personal issues. Everytime I'm rejected (which is always) I find something else to hate about myself. And right now I'm sitting in a pit of self loathing that sinks pretty fucking deep. Can't anything make me feel good about myself?

STUPID STUPID STUPID. It's not attractive. It's not cute.

Jealous blinding rage.. it's really quite ridiculous. Yes, I know you all hate it. No... I don't know what to do.

Damnit, I hate thinking. I feel like a fucking ping-pong ball that's just being hit around. I could be in a goddamn pinball machine lighting up some lights while dying a moment later. Only to be nailed in the back of the head to try again. I don't like it. I don't like this part of me. Fuck, I'm sorry!!

If it helps at all, it's because i care and I want to be important to you, because I care.

It's easy to tell when I get mad at myself. i say fuck, a lot.

I suddenly know why Andy was always so mad at "being second best or less" Why do I have this disgusting consuming need to be number one to everyone? It's ridiculous. Can't i just be fucking content that I'm important to people?!? This is what drove him away, and I know it was and yet I can't fucking stop doing it. Usually I live and learn but with this.... .Iunno. i need my brain rewired or something. Shrink, here I come.....

It's not their fault so I don't want to tell them about it. But it makes me say stupid shit. Being posessive sucks. i truly need re-wiring. Someone... rip me apart and reassemble please!! haha.......

wow. weird! Now I'm in a bouncy mood... holy polar mood swing. lmao... it must have been that article jenn sent me. It really did make me laugh. I love being morbid.... muahahahhaha.

I consider myseslf pretty cookie-cutter. It's kinda annoying. when I see originality I get bitter jealous because I used to be that. And I've got in a rut. Someone unbury me!! ah hell, I'm trying to unbury myself. I don't need people...... i'm trying to lie to myelf and it 's not working. Of course I need them. I just don't need them for every little damn thing. I've become such a wimp. Ew.
I need to go on a self refinding quest.... where to start where to start.... *goes into thinking after taking a couple of calming shots of captain morgan* lol

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12438710/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12438710/ Tue, 03 Apr 2007 00:36:51 PDT
For a while, my depression got soo bad that I didn't leave the house, or my couch, for a week or so. During that time my schooling went down the drain, my relationships with friends suffered. All that.. Well, it got so bad I ended up missing several doses of my medication. Over this period of time.. my depression lightened, immensely. So I began to think about it... and I realized. Hell, maybe this medication is just fucking me up more! (like the commercials warn you about :eyeroll: ) Well, both I and my doctor were too afraid to lower the dosages because it appeared my depression kept worsening despite the medication.

Well, here I am a few weeks later, happy-pill free and I'm doing fucking FANTASTIC... There isn't a word or an emphasis in the english language that can describe the difference or how I feel. I read a friend's blog and she said "when did life get so easy?" and I snorted at her comment and went to my bed to cry... but now... I'm thinking the same damn thing... could it really be this easy??/

Since then there are some shaky spots... I.E.

-I question myself a lot. Are these good feelings because I'm still under the effects of my medication from it being built up in my system so long? or..
-Am I just so happy to be feeling things more clearly that I seem happy?
-Is this just a show so I won't be doped up again?
-Is this a happy facade, that will only get old after a week or so?
-Will my anxieties ever stop? Will that creepy spider feeling lessen after a while?
You know... things like that... There are multitudes of them. I don't like questioning myself.

But, either way, I'm just gonna live life... if things get unmanageable, I WILL be going to the hospital. But right now, I'm doing great!! My major decision wasn't that I was going and that was that... it was that I was going if I couldn't handle it anymore.

I want to apologize, first and foremost to Kendra. My dear, dear Kendra went to Des Moines to the hospital I was supposed to be in to suprise me with food. When they told her I wasn't there and that she should try another place, she went there and when they couldn't find me she finally had to text me to find me. I was at home, completely oblivious to the good deed she had tried to do. But I love her and 2 hour old fazoli's is still quite delicious *still munching on breadsticks*
So, to Kendra... I'm sorry!!!!

And to the rest of you. I'm touched that many of you were so concerned. The emails, calls, messages, comments etc really meant a lot to me and I love you all!

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12369700/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12369700/ Wed, 28 Mar 2007 23:05:11 PDT
I think back on my life and I feel so stupid. So selfish. I know I can't regret my life because that would be a life wasted..But it doesn't stop me from feeling things about them. And because I don't know how to cope properly, this sadness will never go away unless I do this.

I'm not looking for a response on this one. I'm just writing because I'm a girl and writing things out helps. Though the only thing I need right now is a soft bed and some warm arms to protect me. I've got the bed but haven't had the arms in a long time. I'm going to start speaking frankly which is something I haven't done on here in a long time. I was always too afraid of what people would think when they read it.... I don't care anymore. i need to talk this out.

Over the past couple years since Luke left I hadn't really been looking to date. I still love him and still want to spend the rest of my life with him but he doesn't call me, and I don't have his number, try though I have. During this time I have had a couple of interests in dating (though not enough to actually search for dates). I've met some people I care a lot about but none of them have worked. My friend just told me "stop looking and you'll find someone". But if I turn my back on trying, I'll miss them. I wasn't looking before and I found him... Now Jordan is with the mother of his baby boy and I'm happy for him, though I wish I could have had something with him. He's a great person. Even though I'm pretty sure his girlfriend hates ever fiber of my being, I'm ok with her. I just want him to be happy and if that can't be with me, there's nothing I will, or can do about it. Just recently I'd posted a thing on myspace (some weird survey thingy) and it asked if I was single, taken, blah blah. And I filled in "you like someone but they rejected you"... shortly thereafter, I get a message from Jordan asking who rejected me, and saying if someone hurt me he'd have to kick their asses because i'm his friend. That completely threw me. Especially since one of the people to reject me was him. *sighs*

Then there was Colin O. He lives quite far away and although he'd displayed some interest in me, we ended up arguing for quite a while and lost touch. Now we're distant and things arent the same and it makes me sad. I do care deeply for him, it's only the distance that gets in my way of pursuit. But then again, I care deeply for a lot of people...

There were a couple of guys i'd met in class and they seemed fun, cute, all that I like and they didn't work out either. I wonder if it's something I'm doing wrong. or something that I just don't know about.

Then, I re-connect with another guy that I met at DMACC last year. He started dating this girl and ever since then has been complete shit to her. I never cared much for her so I didn't think much of it. I kept telling him to leave since he was unhappy. He was cheating on her, includin with me and didn't seem to be in love anymore. I couldn't watch another friend of mine waste anymore of their lives on something that didn't make them happy. Either way... he and I got involved and he has betrayed me as well. Also, he betrayed another friend of mine and she and i are not happy in the least. If we ever see him again there will be chaos. But... he is now in jail for stachatory rape. He lied to us all, saying he didn't remember if he did it or not... but he now has confessed and will be most likely getting up to 15 years in prison. I hope he spends the rest of his life in there. After seeing what he did to someone he once loved, after all the lies he told to me when he knew right well what has happened before in my life... and doing that to a 13 year old... he deserves to rot. And I've been betrayed again. I asked him if he ever got tired of lying to his girlfriend and he said "I don't lie. I just don't tell her everything" To which I told him "omission is betrayal".. (which I truly believe, especially with thin... ]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12237584/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12237584/ Sun, 18 Mar 2007 19:46:02 PDT
On another note.. I got my new knife today!!! It's so fucking beautiful. And sentimental. It's a throwing knife shaped like an Ankh..........
When you are out of reach of the real thing, cherish the symbols, right? Anyway, I'm off for ice cream. I may or may not have the energy to post pics of my new knife tonight.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12100291/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12100291/ Wed, 07 Mar 2007 23:48:58 PST
Haha, so I apologize for the bulk posting of all my stuff. But my friend was giving me a friend pimp in her siggy and there wasn't really much to read through!! So I decided to get my lazy ass up and get my stuff posted. (what better to do on a boring night with a fever of 102?? Yep, DA. Exactly! I knew you'd understand!!! hahahaahahahahahahahaha
*may be delusional from her fever that's persisted a couple of days*.....
*chooses to believe everyone loves her instead* lol

Anyway, don't feel the obligation to read through each one of these right now. It gets daunting as they're all quite angsty and not very professional-like. Feel free to comment until your fingers fall off and show my stuff to other friends. Peace, and love..... and all the cute bunnies..

Kayla

Note: My info of moods and such is not correct. If I had the patience to sit and find "sick" on the mood list, that is how it would read.

Edit: Alright!! Not two minutes into the blasted thing being posted and I've decided to wait until another day to post the rest of my poetry... kinda makes me wonder why I wrote this. Oh, bloody hell. Oh well!! I've decided that the overwhelming feeling in my stomach and my head, telling me to lay the fuck down are more important.

I do love you all though!! Feel free to yell at me... when I'm not sick. Or else I may hate you..... hahahahahahahahahahahahahaa.... Shit... it's time to lay down...... *wonders at her sanity or lack thereof*

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12064250/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12064250/ Mon, 05 Mar 2007 07:46:09 PST
My "fuck-it gene" has completely kicked in.

My car is dead. i can't get to my second class across town.
My Sociology professor found me in the hallway and proceeded to ask me if I was "alright"... I replied no, very simply. He informed me that the test in his class last week I, "completely blew it"... and I know I did. And I know I still have a paper to turn in. And I know I have a speech to prepare by the 14th of March. I also have 2 tests to make up from Friday before last. I know I know I know I know..... I can't care, I can't care, I can't care, I can't care... I'm trying. But in all honesty, I just don't.

someone motivate me, please. Someone wake me up inside..

I'm crippled... completely. I can't even care enough about not caring to call someone to take me home. So here I sit at dmacc. I've listed my mood as "shame" because I don't want to show my face. I want to go back to my shower.

I'm hanging out in building 5. Simply because I can't go anywhere else. No one around. Car is dead.

People keep telling me it will be ok. They promise things will be alright. I don't even know how to process these comments. I know they mean well. But really... who are they to promise salvation? My friends truly are Gods to me. But i'm beyond their touch right now.

i want to just start laughing. Because I refuse to cry here. But I can't find anything to laugh about..... heh. I take that back. I laughed this morning cruelly when I saw someone scraping off their car and they slipped on ice. but the laugh was minimal, and lasted only a few miliseconds before I realized I didn't care again. A fleeting moment, but an enjoyable one.

Perhaps if I see Kendra today she can cheer me up. I doubt she can make me give a shit, but perhaps I will smile. She's usually good with that.

Eh, my neck hurts. I'm not sure what to think of that. not because I don't care, but because I'm not sure what I should do with a situation. normally, i wouldn't go there because of a previous commitment with someone else, but I did. And now I'm questioning my motives, and my goal.... and I know, this paragraph is complete nonsense to you. But I don't care to write out what I really mean. I just.. don't know if I have a decision to make or not. And so I continue to not choose whether or not to know, whether or not to choose.

Holy incredible. I apologize for that paragraph.

Ha. Laugh to myself cynically. Blasphemy included. "I thought I was god, not giving a shit about anything and all" I find blasphemy highly amusing, if not hilarious. I should go around commiting blasphemy today. Perhaps it would make me feel better.

Is it terrible, that I command attention the way I do? I don't mean to... but I just want to be in touch with my friends. And I'm quite frequently not. I don't like being ignored. I don't even think they're ignoring me... I think they are just busy. I hope they are just busy.

Oy, look at me bitching about stuff now. I'd rather go back to being monotone and indifferent.

Eh, I need breakfast now.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12046989/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12046989/ Sat, 03 Mar 2007 22:43:43 PST
I was beaten today. And I allowed it. It made me almost cry but I felt like I deserved it for having all these terrible thoughts. Unfortunately, the thoughts weren't beaten from me and watching a KickBoxing tourny made me want to get back into it. Just to take out agression. Now I'm listening to music alone in my home and I don't think I should be alone. i'm not going to do anything. But sometimes the glimmer on the knife is so beautiful. i can't stop staring at it. It's so... entrancing.

I feel absolutely worthless. Like nothing I do will make me feel better so I do everything and confuse the fuck out of myself along with everyone else. Waht the hell am I gonna do with my life? I feel like I'm running out of time, and yet I can't make myself get off my bed. I just sit in a corner... empty. I've never had such emptiness hurt so much.

So, I have to thank BellZ for making his avatar works. The third one is particularly appealing to me and shall remain my favorite for some time. I feel like I'm a monster. I consume people and then throw them like trash because I don't know what to do with them. Even if I do care. I push shit too far and then I lose it. And I hate being that psycho bitch.

So much shit has been on my mind lately I got home tonight, went to my room and threw up. I don't think I'm sick, I just... threw up. My medication was increased a few days ago... but nothing seems to help but crying. And I hate crying. Especially for things like this.

I don't know what I want anymore... I want trust, I want love... yet I can't give it. And i know that's wrong. I don't want to give it to anyone but Luke. And I know, no matter who I'm with, it seems if he would merely call me, I would abandon my life in pursuit of my true love.

Ludacris, I know. And I hate myself for it. Perhaps I'll always love him and will have to live with that shadow. But... not a single part of me wants to be without him. And I realize... that my mind will never allow me to have him. Because I turn psycho bitch no matter what. It doesn't matter who I care about. I guess I'm just not a good person.

I must admit. I am a heartbreaker. I hate myself for it, I do. Because every time I destroy someone else, I destroy myself in the process.


So lately, I've been doing this.. thing. I'm not sure if I would call it self harm, anxiety attacks, or panic attacks. Perhaps it's more than even I can comprehend. but at night wherever my hand comes to rest, I pick at my skin. This is what may or may not go through my head (it's subconcious. I don't realize I'm doing it until I see blood most times).......
the part of my mind that knows some thing about psychology tells me that I'm doing it because I want to be beautiful. I find even the slightest flaw in my skin and my automatic response is "get rid of it"... because I'm so sick of my internal flaws. I realize that it will only make a scar or a wound... but I rip at it anyway...


I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Lately I've been getting back into my music. The often dangerous kind for me. It grinds away at my heart until I numb it again... or until it bleeds out my grief.

"I feel like, a beautiful loser. I feel like all you sheep, are laughing at me"

I realize I'm fucked up. I do think I'm beautiful. My soul is pure and it is who I am. Nothing is ugly about that. It's in the way it affects my actions sometimes that makes me turn away from the mirror in disgust. I feel like nothing but a monster. With no reasoning, and no logic. How do you follow your heart when you've forgotten what it's like to have one?

I FUCKING HATE THIS. I'm normal. I'm human. I genuinely love many people. I know that... but every now and then I get these fucked up thoughts and it destroys myself and the people around me. I KNOW HOW WRONG THAT IS. But.... what am I supposed to do about it?...?

I'm tired of all this shit keeping me from what I want to do in life. But I'm at a dead end. And it's driving me mad.

It's taking all I have not to scream along with my music. I feel like each song is singing to me. Because I feel everyone of them.

I wish I could find someone that found me beautiful again. That could look past all this bullshit and see how much I truly love them. The only one that could ever do that was... ]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12019818/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/12019818/ Thu, 01 Mar 2007 21:16:30 PST
Create your own Friend Quiz here


]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11955217/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11955217/ Sun, 25 Feb 2007 00:36:01 PST
I don't know how late I'll be up. I'm enjoying myself currently even though I'm stuck at home with no one here. Nasty winter storm out there so I don't blame anyone for staying where they are. I know I'm not leaving

This weekend has been enjoyable. Well... almost. A very good friend of mine tried to kill themselves thursday night. It's quite honestly fuckin with me quite a bit. I'm supposed to be the hardass who feels no emotions and I almost started crying. Hey, for me that's a pretty big thing when I'm trying to numb myself. (unless it's depression related... hmmm.. not sure how to explain that) Moving on.... luckily he didn't succeed. As I heard the voice on the other end
of the phone, asking if I'd ever talked to him about it. I got this painful sinking feeling. The first thing that went through my head was "he's gone.... " Luckily I was wrong.

I'm sitting in my room, facing the corner with the computer on my lap. It's hot... but I'm not moving it. Meh. I can hear my humidifier still running from my nap earlier. I've been up for about... 6 hours total today.... and now looking at the clock, it's technically tomorrow.

Ouch, I scraped my hand on some metal while scrambling to plug in my dying computer. It stings a bit, but no worries. It won't last long.

Wow.... So I'm a bit disgusted with myself. I just reread some of that and it makes it sound like I'm suicidal!! not at all where I was going!!! I'm just a lil.... tipsy right now and it came out in the wrong way. Sorry!!!!! And i'm too lazy to retype it because it won't come out any more comprehensive than it did the first time.

Well... that's odd. yesterday when I was like this, I had tons and tons of things to spout off about.. Stuff was running through my head but I couldn't make myself pick up the computer. Now my head is a blank....... so sad, when genius passes by like that.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11848210/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11848210/ Fri, 16 Feb 2007 21:29:56 PST
]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11848112/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11848112/ Fri, 16 Feb 2007 21:19:35 PST
Today I turn my phone on after the Phantom of the Opera and I have 3 missed text messages from a number I don't recognize. I look through my contacts and realize it's similar to his number, with the same area codes and such, but it's certainly not him. It's his girlfriend leavin a message telling me to leave him alone and don't talk to him about certain things and that he's hers now. I text her back, highly offended for the above reasons, as well as because I don't even know her. I tell her I'll text him when and if I choose because he and I are friends. And I'll text him about whatever I please because that's what friends do. I haven't gotten a reply from her yet and I hope I never talk to her again. Hopefully he realizes what she did and sticks up for me. Alright.... so I just got texts from her again and she tells me not to push her cuz she'll make it so I never speak to him again because his loyalty is to her. Blah blah... fucking a'. So here I go again, losing another friend and another person who might potentially have a connection with me. This is seriously fucking me up and pissing me off. He and I just started to reconnect and now this shit happens. Fuck you all!!!!

Now thinking about this stuff I'm getting angry as well. People keep pushing me, I want to bleed. I want to feel pain. I want to either forget everything... or remember it all at once so I can get rid of it. I miss the days past. I love so many of my memories but if I had to let them go, and start over...... It's tempting. I just want to love and be loved in return. I just want.... I want to live and not have all this emotional baggage. But most of all, I want love..


And here's the kicker... It's been offered to me by a person or two, but I always doubted their motives. I want love so bad, but I don't want it from just anyone. There are only a certain few that I need. And they are all out of my reach. But I will never stop loving them. No one can make me. I don't care if it's been years since I talked to them and don't even know if they're alive. I'm a stubborn little shit and nothing can take away how I feel.....

which is why forgetting would be impossible. and letting go is something I cannot find in my heart to do.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11791057/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11791057/ Mon, 12 Feb 2007 19:46:10 PST
I'm just bored with life and what I amount to in it. a lot of people say that humans just want to be noticed. I don't find that true, I just want to feel good about something within myself. Something I've worked hard for. Every time I'm presented with something, I just don't know where to start, though I have a strong drive to do it. I guess I just want to feel like I can do something right. And not right as society sees it, right to me.

Blah... i guess I'm all emotional tonight. thinking of lost loves, lost oppurtunities, and lost identity....

I'm sad. I'm irritated..... I miss feeling love. I'm so fucking cold these days.. so disconnected because i'm trying to get my life realigned. But all I'm doing is fucking it up. Tell me, when does the teacher of life, give you a study guide to live by?... oh fuck that. i don't want to live by their rules. But I do want to live.

Yep.. been thinking about that recently too. I contradict myself nearly constantly. There could be a lot of explination for this... and then it could be excused too. And ALL of it feels right to me. And no one can understand that...




I want something fun to do. I wanna feel good again.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11775921/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11775921/ Sun, 11 Feb 2007 16:19:35 PST
]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11722875/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11722875/ Wed, 07 Feb 2007 13:30:29 PST
EDIT : We are not going tonight! It is cancelled for now I'm a lil disappointed! As is the person that was supposed to be doing it. Oh well, I suppose some other time.

Love!

Kayla

Oh, and I got a new cd today. Sonya Kitchell... never heard of her but I was in a good mood, her titles looked interesting, and it was only about $15. so whoo, why not! I'll let you know what i think.

UPDATE: i listened through the music and decided that I'm not a fan. Shes got a beautiful voice and a lot of talent, but I'm just not... feeling the music. The lyrics are wonderful and she's good... i just don't care for it. So I gave it to my mom and she loves it!!
Btw... she's kind of blues music, for anyone that wanted to know.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11635334/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11635334/ Wed, 31 Jan 2007 13:14:29 PST
Whoo!!! So here I go again. The day has improved and although my cold is getting worse, everything else seems to be looking up. I don't know if I just stopped bothering myself with shit or if I've just let it go but I don't really care. After my mood switch I'm feeling rather feisty but unfortunately have no one to share the good feelin's with. Bummer!! well, if you're out there and you're in a good mood, or hell, just want to see me.. Come 'round! Call me, message me, come see me. Do whatever the hell you want. I'm feisty and I'm ready for... well not anything. I want to stay home cuz it's @#$%^ING cold outside... but other than that, come over damnit! OR... don't. Hahahahaha. I'm cool with either.

Damn I love moods like this. I'm a combination of many moods just so you know....

Feisty
Suggestive
Longing
Relief
Hyper
Loving
Cuddly
Well... I could go on forever really!

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11632233/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11632233/ Wed, 31 Jan 2007 07:43:14 PST
i want to get away for a while. I want to be different for a little while... no, not be different I mean... Do something different. i'm tired of go to school, come home, study, sleep, wake up, repeat... It's getting dull. I'm tired of being home by myself. I want someone to love, i want something to do. I want somewhere to be.
Also... i don't know if it's just me or if there's been a kind of cosmic shift (the latter is unlikely obviously)... but it seems like everyone around me (excluding close friends again) Are talkin shit about me, and not being very nice. I suppose I could be paranoid and fucking retarded because I believe it.. But it honestly seems like a ton of people are suddenly treating me differently.

I wish...
For someone to love
For the discipline/motivation to get my shit done.
That if people have a problem with me they'd tell me
That I could stop thinking all of these things

I feel like such a pussy. I keep asking myself:
Is it something I did?
Am I still fucked from being taken out of society?
Is there anyone who accepts me for me?

Goddamn... I'm continuing to piss myself off. I need a distraction. I need something new. I need something to take my mind off this shit.

Anyone????

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11527936/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11527936/ Mon, 22 Jan 2007 09:26:04 PST I hate:
Being lied to
feeling expendable
the silly little games we play with our lives...

and then walking home in the cold and snow... an older lady that lives with her two dogs starts talking to me on the way up the steps... perhaps she could tell I didn't give a crap about myself at the moment.... through talking with her for a brief few minutes... I feel myself lifted a little. She thinks what I want to do with my life is great. She almost sounds proud of me. i have to wonder what it is in a stranger to me, that can make me feel the way even my own mother can't sometimes... I truly am shell-shocked at this.... I just don't know what to think about it. I think I'm gonna go lay down, shed a few tears out of mere frustration, and then soothe myself to sleep....... and I don't care what you think about it.


Oh, and that lady needs a hug. Not because she's sad, but because she deserves to know that she made a difference to me today.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11527005/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11527005/ Mon, 22 Jan 2007 07:29:40 PST
Perhaps I drank too much... or perhaps... well who knows.

I'm getting the itch to travel again, but where to and with/to whom I have no idea. I guess I'm getting restless..... or lonely.... or both.

Give me something to occupy my mind with... it needs stimulation. It needs.... something.

I was irritable last night for a little while but after some cuddling with the cat and quiet music all was better. And I thought today would be better too.

I'm irritated with myself again because of comments i've heard from people that I'm "too dark" and always "too involved with my depression"... blah blah blah. And I feel like I'm going into that again which drives me nuts. I'm not fucking like that, I just never have anything to say when I'm in a good mood. I hate not being able to see people all the time because then they can't see who I really am. I guess I'm feeling a little... neglected, but by whom or what, is crap. Cuz I'm not. I don't know what I'm feeling currently it's just all driving me crazy.

shitfuckasspissfuckdamn..... that's all I can muster right now... and even that isn't enough

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11405045/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11405045/ Fri, 12 Jan 2007 00:07:53 PST
]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11358403/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11358403/ Thu, 11 Jan 2007 17:05:19 PST Associated Term: Spring 2007
CRN: 20341
Assigned Instructor: Barbara J. Schmidt
Grade Mode: Normal
Credits: 3.000
Level: Credit
Campus: Ankeny
Class 8:00 am - 8:55 am MWF Ankeny-Bldg 2 23 Jan 08, 2007 - May 03, 2007 Lecture Barbara J. Schmidt


Introduction to Sociology - SOC 110 - B
CRN: 20305
Assigned Instructor: Rudolph C. Harris
Grade Mode: Normal
Credits: 3.000
Level: Credit
Campus: Ankeny
Class 8:05 am - 9:30 am TR Ankeny-Bldg 2 17 Jan 09, 2007 - May 03, 2007 Lecture Rudolph C. Harris


Introduction to Philosophy - PHI 101 - D
CRN: 23483
Assigned Instructor: Jon A. Disburg
Grade Mode: Normal
Credits: 3.000
Level: Credit
Campus: Ankeny
Class 10:10 am - 11:05 am MWF Upper Iowa 122 Jan 08, 2007 - May 03, 2007 Lecture Jon A. Disburg


Intro to General Chemistry - CHM 122 - D Associated Term: Spring 2007
CRN: 20081
Assigned Instructor: Laurence A. Hutzell
Grade Mode: Normal
Credits: 4.000
Level: Credit
Campus: Ankeny
Class 1:25 pm - 2:20 pm MWF Ankeny-Bldg 4 15 Jan 08, 2007 - May 03, 2007 Lecture Laurence A. Hutzell
Class 1:25 pm - 3:25 pm T
Ankeny-Bldg 4 24 Jan 08, 2007 - May 03, 2007 Lab Laurence A. Hutzell

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11250006/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11250006/ Sat, 30 Dec 2006 20:27:23 PST
-- Ride Operator at Valleyfair in Minnesota
-- Lover
-- Fighter
-- Survivor

Four Drinks I like;

-- Fanta "Exotic"
-- Chai Tea, in all forms
-- Hot Chocolate
-- Mountain Dew

Four Alcoholic Drinks I like;

-- Kahlua
-- Everclear
-- Bitch Beers
-- Mixed drinks

Four Foods I like;

-- Broccoli and Rice
-- Chicken
-- Dessert
-- Soup

Four type of Music I like;

-- Rock (heavy, classic, new age, soft, whatever)
-- Jam Bands ("stoner music")
-- Stuff that sounds like church music, but isn't in any way.
-- Alternative/Indie

Four places I will visit or like to visit;

-- Ireland
-- My dreams
-- Europe
-- Colorado

Four movies I like;

-- The Caveman's Valentine
-- The Order
-- Merlin
-- Rigoletto

Four Bands I like;

-- Lacuna Coil
-- Cursive
-- Stone Sour
-- A Perfect Circle

Four Animals I like;

-- Feline
-- Wolves
-- Snakes
-- Men

Four Soundtracks I like;

-- Phantom of the Opera
-- Rigoletto
--
--

Four things I like to do;

-- CUDDLE
-- Play video games
-- Travel
-- Be outside at night

Four books I like;

-- P.J. Tracy - Dead Run
-- Anne Rice - Blood and Gold
-- Kama Sutra
-- Robinson Crusoe

Four Songs I like;

-- Burn One Down --Ben Harper
-- Crazy Bitch --Buckcherry
-- Stay With Me (Unlikely) --Celldweller
-- Happens All The Time --Cold

Four Random likes;

-- Eclectic styles.... natural looks
-- Grungy, yet metrosexual guys
-- The feeling of bare skin against bare skin
-- Warmth and love

Four things I got to say;

-- Obviously there are more than 4 for each of these catagories (except for soundtracks... I don't know of many soundtracks)
-- I want to cuddle, right now.
-- I wanna know what you're like. I want to love you both inside and out.
-- Feel free to start a discussion with me. I love discussions.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11240243/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11240243/ Sat, 30 Dec 2006 01:26:54 PST

I forgot how much I liked the feel of my body after I've worked out. Not the pain or the limited mobility, but a day or so after when everything feels 10x stronger... my ass feels great

Anyway, I'm home now and with nothing to do all weekend. I also can't find my cell phone charger and my phone died sooooo...... it'll be hard to reach me. I'm just going to be sitting around all weekend, so whatever.

I'm in a good mood, things are going pretty well. I like it like this. The only thing that could be better, is a cuddle and a smile. But I don't mind I should get to bed. i hope I have good dreams! oh,... you have good dreams too, k? hehe.

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11202945/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/11202945/ Tue, 26 Dec 2006 16:26:58 PST

Just so you all know, I shall list my gifts. We're poor, but I got what I really wanted. DKNY Red Delicious perfume, and.... TADAH! Digital camera which has 7 megapixels, 24x optical zoom, good flash, battery charger... blah blah blah. Point in case? Pictures!! Hopefully will be practicing my techniques (wait.. I should probably find some first!) and working on my photography. I just like it a lot lately.

The last couple of years I haven't enjoyed the friendly joyish seasons around here, or anywhere. Too much happening, no way to deal with it, etc. But this year I feel great. And I want everybody to feel the same so do it damnit!! lol

Anywho, even though I don't celebrate a holiday or religious affiliation, doesn't mean I didn't enjoy my time off! I hope everyone else had a good time.

--Kayla

P.S. I will be submitting all of my photographs as scraps for now, because I don't really know what I'm doing. If you like them well enough, feel free to tell me to put them in a category!

]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/10805226/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/10805226/ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 21:14:55 PST
]]> ~moth-seraph http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/10594945/ http://moth-seraph.deviantart.com/journal/10594945/ Thu, 02 Nov 2006 15:33:31 PST
That is all.

]]> ~moth-seraph