http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:muutus&section=today deviantART RSS for by:muutus en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 15 Dec 2009 19:57:21 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/28205247/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/28205247/ Sat, 07 Nov 2009 19:29:08 PST Now, all we have to do is get the bills under control. Not too hard and will be easier now that we have a car to get her around to fill out job applications. She's a cook, so online applications are kind of hard to do. Restaurants don't usually do that, or at least none around here anyway that we've seen. I hope that she can get something going job-wise soon. The faster she starts getting paid, the sooner we can get out form under this debt and get to the "good life". I'm not really sure what that is 100%, but it sounds good, so that's what were shooting for. Hell, I'd be happy just to be able to afford a new pair of boots and some socks that don't fall down every 15 minutes. Well, that and a bag of weed, but that's a horse of a different color...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/28110118/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/28110118/ Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:18:29 PST When you're busy, time flies by. When you're bored time drags on forever. A watched pot never boils as they say. Time waits for no man. Etc, etc, etc... I'm obsessed with time and I have a habit of watching the clock on a regular basis, especially when I know that a certain time is approaching (like time for work, especially). I tend to look up at the clock every five or so minutes and I need to have a clock visible at all times (It's OCD, I know, but what can I do?). Not that time has ever really been a friend of mine, but I still have a habit of keeping track of it in detail. I can't help it.
Minutes drag, but months and years fly by. Why is that? I wish I knew.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27983154/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27983154/ Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:56:21 PDT I guess I really shouldn't complain though. Finally, I'm working again and will be making that all important dollar to pay the bills with. It will be good to get those taken care of and out from over our heads (well, at least till the next month's bills get here anyway...). The only real problem is that we don't have a car right now [link] , so I have to get a ride at night from a friend of mine (no real issue there) and walk back from work in the morning (that's the part that sucks because it's a 4.5 mile walk home). I had to walk up there and back this morning to fill out all my tax paperwork and get put into the computer system. Holy crap! An 9 mile hike just to sign my name a half dozen or so times is bullshit. Hopefully we get our "new" car soon and it won't be an issue. Until then, I'll just grin and bear it. Ultimately, I'm happy about it all and refuse to complain about the small stuff too much. I guess, if nothing else, the walk will do me good. Exercise is a good thing, isn't it? Sucks having to walk that far after an 8 hour shift, but luckily the work won't be too hard and the walk will make for a good excuse to go to bed once I get home. Oh well, life continues and struggle and sacrifice is a big part of life, so I'll do it all with a smile on my face.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27959444/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27959444/ Sun, 25 Oct 2009 12:29:48 PDT [link] ) and others came from somewhere else (like this -----> [link] ), but they've all been fun to do. It brings back a certain wonder that I haven't felt since I was 5. Amazing how that simplest level of creativity can make you feel that good, even if it's just a guily pleasuer and you don't want anyone to know that you still get joy from something that mostly kindergarteners do. Personally, I don't care. I'm immature enough to enjoy it and mature enough to admit it.
I'll be posting more as I get them done. Hopefully the people who create the ones I find here will be more than happy to let me post them up here for all to see, but you know how that can go...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27674734/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27674734/ Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:03:35 PDT not have the talent to write), then progressed very recently to lipograms [link] , and now I have found rhopalic verse.

For those ho might not know what these things are... Palindromes are anything that spells the same way backwards as it does forwards (A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!). Lipograms are any portion of text that where the writer uses one less character from the alphabet, like not using 'e' in my link example above. A rhopalic is a writing where each word have one more syllable than the one before it and is mostly used in poetry with each line starting the count over again.

I have yet to write any rhopalic verses, but I am pretty interested in it as it will be a really good practice example for me. That lipogram was difficult and I'm not 100% happy with it, mostly because it doesn't flow as easily off the tongue as I would have liked. Admittedly, it's not one of my best works, but it made for a good training exercise. I can't write palindromes. I've tried. I gave up after the T-shirt didn't fit anymore...

I'm trying to increase my potential for writing these days with various exercises and things to try to hone my thoughts and words into the edge that they can be. I encourage anyone who reads this to try the same. Keep a thesaurus handy for those lipograms, though. Till later...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27543416/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27543416/ Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:58:49 PDT
Speaking as a diabetic who was born with a sweet tooth, while there are quite a few sugar-free selections, the few that I seemed to have loved in the past that I can't have now are sadly missing. No Girl Scout Thin Mints. No Twinkees. No good ice cream. No Krispy Kreme. No etc, etc, etc... Is it so difficult to make these things in a more carbohydrate friendly manner? I mean, with Splenda and all the stevia out there, why not?

Come on, manufacturers of junk food everywhere, there is an emerging new dietary market out there. Americans who love your confectionary wonders are becoming more and more diabetic by the year. Hook a brother up and make with the sugar-free Twinkees and Pop-Tarts already, yo...



]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27471829/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27471829/ Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:34:40 PDT
I am working on writing more, but time is at a premium these days, so all of my art is on the back burner for the most part. I will most likely let the muse steamroller over me on regular occasions and post things as I get the time. Sometimes one or two posts. Sometimes whatever I have stored up and made the time to post.

Keep things loose till then...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27338159/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27338159/ Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:50:32 PDT
With that said. I still can't guarantee that there will be a lot of things posted here or on any sort of regular basis. But, there will always be more and more, so enjoy what I produce and if you can't, then know eventually the taste you have enjoyed in the past will eventually return for your viewing/reading pleasure.

I continue to appreciate all the support in it's many forms and I love you all for it. While I write and draw mostly for myself, it's nice to be appreciated and I'll continue for all of us as it comes pouring out of me. Thanks again... Peace to you all!

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27261864/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27261864/ Thu, 17 Sep 2009 12:31:07 PDT
I know that my writing has developed an audience beyond the intended, but there may not be a great deal written in the immediate future. It seems that the intended purpose of all the poetry and prose has come to fruition. My beloved is coming back to me after all. That's not to say I won't be writing more. I will. Now that I have her, I have to continue writing, but now instead of writing from longing, I'll be writing from BE-longing. The only reason for any delay will be that actions speak louder than words and I plan on quite a bit of action in the near future. I'll get more written and posted for all you hopeless romantics soon, I promise...

As far as the rest, 613 is continuing. I have episode #7 scripted, but, it too is going to be on hiatus for a bit. Not just because of current events, but also because I'm not 100% sure what to write in coming episodes. It's one of those, "I know where I'm going. I'm just not completely sure how I'm getting there." I assure you, there will be more. I like the series way too much to let it die (even if the main character did, lol). I'll draw up epi 7 and post it soon. Epi 8 will be a little while in coming though. Good things come to those who wait. I'm living proof of that.

Till then, thanks for reading. Thanks for the comments, 's and all the support. I'll be back at the helm soon enough and at full speed ahead very soon. Peace!

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27167716/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/27167716/ Sat, 12 Sep 2009 10:29:57 PDT
]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/26796456/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/26796456/ Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:14:22 PDT I'm healthy enough to survive the cold cruel world of trying to find a job, so I think I'm going to see about that as soon as possible. All I need to do now is see about getting a regular doctor, but that will have to wait till I can afford it. Other than that, life is life is life. You know how it goes. Things are looking up and so am I, for a change.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/26507335/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/26507335/ Mon, 10 Aug 2009 14:22:05 PDT
I don't know what would happen if I were to see you again. Something deep inside me says that I might die a little more than I all ready have, like another piece of me would wither and fall away like the last leaves of autumn. Thoughts race in my head as to what I would do if I saw you with him. The safe parts of me say I would run and hide. The emotional parts of me say that I would fall down unconscious. The dark parts of me say that I would strike him down with the force of a thousand tidal waves. The rational parts of me say that I would walk up and speak to him, afterward regretting the things I might say. All in all, the thought of running into you scares me. Finally, it is my turn to know that fear that you speak so highly of.
Anger has become a close friend of mine in these past weeks. As have confusion and the ever present doubt that speaks to me in that whispered tone. It tells me that I will never be good enough again. That I will never again have the strength to seek out that companionship that so many people seek and never truly find, at least not in the any sense of what they thought it was going to be. That doubt, that cold, cruel voice in the back of my mind, it rages and rears it's head like a dragon of old. It burns my villages to the ground and devours my herds. It laughs at me like the sick punchline of some joke that not only have I not heard, but I don't understand. It speaks to me from the dark places and kills me slowly with poisoned daggers cast of wrought iron.
I try to tell myself that there is nothing to fear and that things will work out as they tend to do, but I can't let myself believe it just yet. I don't know if it's just too soon to let that happen or if there is something truly wrong with the part of my brain where faith and belief tend to exist. There is no fantasy in my world any longer and I blame you for that. I used to love the light and all the dreams that came along with that precious luminescence, but that's gone now. That light has been tucked up and stowed away for some day that might never come. I feel like a child waiting for some mystical holiday that will never return.
Each day brings another scar. Another pain. Another dream crushed under the foot of the beast of regret. Regret over ever having spoken to you in the first place. Your cowardice is a monster that only you can slay, although I feel that you have no intention of doing so for you fear the feeling of life without that fear holding it's sway over you. Fear of fear is more terrible than normal fear. Fear of fear is the killer of hearts and minds and I know now that you have neither any longer. I thought at one time that you were a normal creature of this world. Now, I understand that those things that make life happy and bright never truly existed in you or your world from the start. I don't know what terrible thing destroyed them in you and it makes my heart heavy that you never had the joy of feeling that light in the first place. I do not weep for myself in this time of sadness. I weep for you and your lack of humanity. You poor, pitiful creature. Never knowing true joy. Never knowing the pleasure of a laugh at the cost of no one other than yourself. Never being able to smile at the simple things in life. You are a seeker and servant of chaos and I pity you. Hopefully, someday soon,you will find your light and it will guide you homeward after all these years of walking you through the darkness where you have stumbled and stubbed your toes for so long. Hopefully soon, you will understand your lack of life and you will realize that, while it may have been all for naught to this point, there is a life out there for you and someday you will be at peace with yourself. I pray to the fates for this for the sake of not only you, but all of those other poor souls that have watched you let him destroy you in the past and will continue to watch until you finally wake yourself up from this nightmare in which you walk through. Be well, dear soul. Take heart. It will all be over soon enough, one way or the other.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/25801475/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/25801475/ Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:10:36 PDT lot of things in my last entry that I want to take back and thoroughly apologize for. First off, most (and I say most, because it all was written in anger and I will not apologize for my emotions, no matter what.) of what I wrote was way off base. I read a few things in a few different status messages in a few different places and took them so far out of context that they didn't even remotely resemble what they started off as. Those things were pointed out to me and put in their original context and I admit that I was wrong in so many ways.

Second, although this isn't much of an excuse, I've been going through a lot of stress lately. I was uprooted from my home. I lost my job. And, obviously, my girlfriend left me. With that said, I wasn't thrown out, per se. I didn't have any choice but to leave, but it was either I left or she did and if she left I wouldn't have been able to keep the apartment with no job. So really, there weren't any options. I had to leave. The job was due to health issues and there wasn't much that could be done there either. The girlfriend... Well, I guess I just wasn't what she was looking for after all. Plus, there were a few issues between us that never would have been resolved. All in all, I've just had a string of bad luck that all hit at the same time and there was no warning and no way to avoid it.

Lastly, while I am still a little mad at her for doing what she did (and I don't see myself in the wrong for it. I have the right to be mad.), I also know that she says that she's happy with him. If she says that she's happy, I won't dispute that. Ultimately, I want her to be happy. I love her, so how could I want anything else for her, even if it's not with me.

With all that said, I will delete the last journal entry and be done with it. I apologize wholeheartedly and I meant none of what was written in the last entry. Please understand that I don't do this because I have to, I do it because I want to. Thanks for understanding.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/25606613/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/25606613/ Sun, 28 Jun 2009 12:36:34 PDT "It'll be OK...", "These things happen...", etc, etc, ad nauseum. This is more so that I have an outlet other than a person who is just going to tell me what they think (or the psychologists tell them) I need to hear right now. I just need an open vent to scream through...

Money... Bills... In other words, broke as fuck! For reasons unknown to me for the most part (yes, it was explained to me, but I still really can't make heads or tails of it, but that's the issue with MOST of what's going on these days) we moved away from Columbia to Springfield, IL. Well, I did at first because we couldn't afford to live together. Two weeks later, she can't stand to be away from me so, she moves up here. So, now neither of us has a job and we're living in the same situation that we were in, just in a new city.
Then I get a job, after a month of trying. There's the silver lining, right? BUZZER! Wrong answer, Agnes! Just as things are really starting to look like they're shaping up, she hits me with a bomb that she's been getting phone calls from her ex full of apologies for his actions when they were together a year and a half ago! This wasn't a big issue really, till she tells me that she needs to se if he's being serious and see how she feels... WTF?! is that shit? If she really wanted to be with me in any sense that shouldn't even enter her head, should it? Am I wrong in thinking that there's something going on here? I don't think so.
So, she's been down there since Friday morning. I've texted her a few times and I get a prompt response every time. She tells me that she loves me. I'm having some new health issues lately and she shows genuine concern towards me. But she mentioned the other day before she left that she was scared that something was going to happen to me and that I would be gone. I told her that I wasn't going anywhere until she told me to, but then this hard to breathe thing hits just in time to confirm her fears. Wonderful!
I don't know what to do or what to think right now. I love her and I want to trust her, but it's just too fishy. I mean, if it walks and talks like a duck and all...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/23797801/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/23797801/ Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:20:43 PDT
I told you all about my recent trip to the hospital for pneumonia and a kidney infection in my last journal entry. They helped me manage my diabetes much better and I am proud to say that my blood glucose are running in the normal range for the most part. It's been an adjustment to get used to all the dietary changes and remembering to take my insulin and other medications, but all in all, things are OK in that arena.

Now, my issue is edema in my legs. They have swollen up in the past, but the swelling has gone down within a day or two. I was starting to think that this was blood sugar related. It seemed to happen when my blood glucose levels were elevated, but now my levels are normal and I'm more swollen than ever. I had thought that maybe my edema was related to stress. It happened when I moved to this new area and after I got out of the hospital, both of which were VERY stressful times, but there really isn't any stress in my life at this point in time, so it can't be that either...

I'm at a total loss as to what could be causing it. I have a doctor's appointment in a week and I'm hoping that he can shed a little light on the problem without having to do too many tests. I have done some looking into it online, but nothing really concrete ha struck me as yet. Worse than everything else in this little medical drama, my mind tends to run wild with things like this. Everything that I have read so far as a potential cause has sprung into my head as some monstrous disease that I can add to my list of maladies. It could be a blood clot, so I worry all the time that it could dislodge and find it's way to my heart or brain and kill me. It could be congestive heart failure, which means that I'm going to have to see a doctor for the rest o my life and be monitored and hooked up to a million different machines each and every time that I go in to see the doctor. Not to mention that I'd have to see a cardiologist, which is yet another bill that I could in no way, shape or form afford in any imaginable sense. It could be a million other things... All I know is that I'm going to have to endure even more poking and probing and be absolutely terrified and miserable all over again and for the rest of my life if this turns out to be anything serious.

All of this is really starting to get to me psychologically. I'm starting to get scared that things are a lot worse than I see. I keep thinking that there's some underlying problem that I'm not seeing and the doctor is going to give me some horrible, life-shattering news and I'm going to have to deal with it. Life isn't hectic right now and I like it that way. I just hope that after all is said and done, that it stays free of chaos and strife and I have a clean bill of health. I guess we'll see what happens...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/23639092/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/23639092/ Wed, 11 Mar 2009 07:33:18 PDT Now, I normally have a tremendous fear of hospitals, doctors and other medical professionals and establishments, but this experience takes the cake.

I was feeling bad. I was having trouble breathing, had no energy and spent about two and a half days asleep in bed trying to get rid of the illness that was plaguing me. I'm not one to go to the doctor. I'm a firm believer that with the right combination of meds and natural foods and/or supplements, you can cure about anything without a doctor. As I have been told in the past, if you go to the doctor you will start to feel better in two weeks; where as if you stay at home, you will feel better in roughly fourteen days. I don't go to doctors unless I'm hemorrhaging in excess or I have a bone sticking out of me. Neither of which has EVER happened, so I've never been to a doctor for anything really.

The problem is that I am diabetic. Now, everyone when they get sick releases extra blood sugar into their own systems in an attempt to better fight off the illness, but as a diabetic I can't keep up with that, so I just got worse...

I went into the ER and was admitted into the hospital for having pneumonia and a kidney infection. You can just imagine how much fun that was. Anyway, things were great at first. They cared for me. They asked me questions about how I was feeling. They ran tests and diagnostics on me. All well and good. But, it dawned on me that because I have no insurance and no way to pay for it all, they had decided that my health care was of minimal importance t them after a while. The doctors and nurses started cmoing around less and less often, even though I was told that they were still running tests and such, after all they still came and drew blood from me twice a day.

So, now I am out of that hell, but the plot thickens. They put me on insulin for the first time since I've been diagnosed. This is not a problem. I don't mind needles or giving myself shots. The issue of it is, that they tell me they can and will help me get my insulin because I can't really afford it. Turns out that their aid program for prescription help is a once in a LIFETIME thing, so first off it would only get me my first script filled. OK, fine... Worse yet, they tell me that insulin is NOT one of the drugs that they assist with on their program. So, basically they lied to me and sent me on my way...

I get to Walgreen's to fill the script (which was $300, roughly. $300 a WEEK so I can stay healthy?! WTF kind of bullshit is that?) and the pharmacist tells me that in my state (IL)., I need a prescription for syringes to inject myself, or at least in order to get more than 20 at a time, which is nothing. I take an injection 4 times a day, so 20 syringes will only last me roughly a week. So, basically, I'm fucked over in every sense of the word.

Luckily, the manufacturers of my two insulins have Patient Assistance programs, so I can get them for free if I qualify, but I'm still trying to get in touch with them and get that all straightened out.

OK, I've rambled, bitched and moaned-and-groaned enough. The point of this story is DO NOT go to St. Elizabeth's if you live in the greater STL Metro East if you have no insurance. They will fuck you over. They will keep you extra long to pad the bill even further. They will feed you terrible food that resembles dog shit. Thank you!

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/23304728/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/23304728/ Fri, 20 Feb 2009 11:20:19 PST how you get there, it goes a lot smoother. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that life used to be, to quote Jonathan Coulton, "I got no prize inside my Happy Meal.", but now I really don't care if I get the prize. Now I don't even go to McDonald's, so what do I care what toys the cool kids are getting. I'm finally beyond all that high school drama bull shit. Feels so good, too.
All this leads to the newly generated creativity, I think. It's a new mindset for me and therefore, a new wave (after wave, after wave) of new techniques, ideas and images from some part of my mind that I had long lost access to. All I can say is, it's good to be back.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/22681739/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/22681739/ Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:46:19 PST

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/22493819/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/22493819/ Fri, 09 Jan 2009 18:59:37 PST hooked (bad pun intended). I can't get enough of it now. I'm teaching myself new stitches, downloading patterns to try, hell, I even signed up to join a "Men Who Crochet" forum on Yahoo!. I've completed two blankets for my nephews (one of which I have posted [link] ), a hat for myself, another big blanket for my bed, started another big blanket and a pillowcase (WIP [link] ). So, all in all, I've begun keeping myself pretty busy with this newly discovered obsession. As I get things finished, or WIP'ed to the point of posting, I'll show you all what I make.
Hopefully, I'll be able to start my next big project soon. I'm going to make a 40 x 60 screen shot from Space Invaders blanket, so look forward to seeing that soon.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/21450337/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/21450337/ Wed, 12 Nov 2008 07:42:01 PST Let's see... I've lost someone extremely important to me and found someone equally as important. Well-loved family members have been brought into this world by other well-loved family members. I have moved, to a place that may as well be a new world and found a new life that I didn't even know existed. I have taken control of my own life and given thought to what I actually want out of life rather than what I want life to become...
Basically, I feel that I am finally on a path to great things in life. In the past, I have often wondered when life was going to hand me a break and treat me with some respect. Finally, I realize that life does not hand you anything, it waits for you to take things from it. In the words of my high school principal (and I never thought I would use this phrase), "You gotta wanna." In other words, you have to want life to pay off if it's going to. It's perfectly fine to sit back and enjoy life once in a while. You know, relax and let it pass you by. But, most of the time, you have to grab life by the balls and say, "I want what's mine and if you can't give it to me, then by the fates, I WILL TAKE IT!" Life's a whore like that. It's selfish and refuses to share most times, but if you just take command and not let life take command of you, you'd be surprised at how much things will turn around...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/20795605/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/20795605/ Thu, 02 Oct 2008 15:42:24 PDT I went back on my meds that very night...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/19612294/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/19612294/ Sat, 26 Jul 2008 19:18:35 PDT in my life. I have a roof over my head. I have food in my cabinets. I have heat and light under my roof. And lastly, I have people that care about me and miss me. These are things that have availed me this past decade and it feels so wonderful to have them finally.
The storm is over and I have weathered it well. I thank the fates for all I have received lately and for all I had to go through to receive it so that I can appreciate it better.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/17542073/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/17542073/ Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:51:45 PDT Tagged by: [link] (I don't know how to post avvies, sorry.)

1. Post these rules
2. Each person tagged must post 8 random facts about themselves
3. Tags should write a journal/ blog of these facts
4. At the end of the post, 8 more persons are tagged and named
5. Go to their page and leave a comment telling them they're tagged

My 8 facts:
1. I love pop-tarts and eat them all day long, just about.
2. I am in love with the most wonderful woman on the planet (I know anyone can say that, but in my case, it's true.).
3. I have an obsession with numbers and time.
4. My favorite color is black and it's almost the only color I wear.
5. I'm moving!
6. I recently realized just how good life can be (because of that wonderful woman ).
7. I hate censorship in all it's horrid forms.
8. Passion is everything to me.

OK, unfortunately, I have no clue how to tag anyone else and I don't really have anyone to tag, so I guess I broke the chain. Does that mean 13 years of bad luck or that I won't meet my true love or something? If so, you're too late on both accounts...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/17389663/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/17389663/ Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:45:53 PDT [link] and took the first 50 that most grabbed me. I tried to not pick those that would be easy, just ones that spoke to me...

I hopefully will get all these finished in a year's time. That's the plan anyway. Note: When I get the piece done it may not mean exactly what the word truly means, just what it means to me... Also, italics indicate a finished pic.

Keep an eye out here, I'll post the date of completion for each one as they are finished and posted on dA

1. torture
2. fates
3. vulnerable
4. firearms
5. mismanagement
6. disenthrone March 26, 2008 [link]
7. locker
8. relegate
9. skindeep
10. fascination
11. bachelorhood
12. sequestered
13. destructive
14. overcautious
15. familiarity
16. unquenchable
17. peon
18. interdependence
19. cabalistic
20. turnscrew
21. unwholesome
22. musing
23. outwards
24. unsociable
25. devil worship
26. negative
27. indeterminate
28. sophistication
29. stopping : March 25, 2008 [link]
30. loadstone
31. unusual
32. trigger
33. tripodal
34. unhappy
35. uniformity
36. classics
37. commoner
38. responsibilty
39. undisturbed
40. predictable
41. distrust
42. stupidity
43. unimaginitive
44. herbage
45. understanding
46. concrete
47. flags
48. damnify
49. darkness
50. older

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/17281934/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/17281934/ Tue, 11 Mar 2008 05:43:23 PDT Lately though, thanks to a certain someone, the cycle has all but been broken. I seem to have more good days now than ever before and when I do hit the bottom of the cycle, it's only for a day or day and a half. The blah days are all but gone now, too... Amazing how just a little (or a lot, in this case) love can change your whole mental state!

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/17120294/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/17120294/ Fri, 29 Feb 2008 16:15:46 PST when I check my email, if I had seen one from that person, I would think, "OK, that's cool...". But, with her it's very different. It's not when I check my email... I race to check my email. I check it about ever half hour just to see if she dropped a line just to say "hi".
I haven't felt this way in so long that I nearly forgot what this wonderful thing feels like. I love this feeling and I hope that things will work out. I've been hurt before and I really dread going back that place. I don't get that sense here, though. This feels right. This feels strong and grows stronger every day, it seems.
Time will tell for sure, but fate is strange in the way that it lets you know things. It does it in it's own time, whether you are ready to hear it or not... I think I'll be ready this time though.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16825330/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16825330/ Sun, 10 Feb 2008 22:33:10 PST
All of this is in my nature. I am very opinionated and not at all afraid to share that opinion. Sometimes, it gets me into trouble. Sometimes, I hurt people; with my words, actions, and fists...

I want to apologize to any of those people that I love for those pains. I can be a real idiot sometimes.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16610027/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16610027/ Mon, 28 Jan 2008 09:45:17 PST
]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16439576/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16439576/ Wed, 16 Jan 2008 22:29:09 PST I've come to a conclusion that people in general are full of shit and I'm not going to take it any longer. Fuck them all! I am who I am and that person is a raging asshole who refuses to get walked on by these supercilious son-of-a-bitches who call themselves loyal.
They seem to have no confidence in me, even though I am doing everything I can do get my life together. I am trying to find work. I am trying to find peace of mind. I am trying to find solace in this unholy maelstrom called life. Finally, I am trying to become a "normal" human being. All I get for my trouble is greif!
So, this is the end of the person they knew. This is the end of the person who allows them to walk on me and drag me down to the depths of their hellish agony. This is the birth of a new and improved me. this is the phoenix rising not from the ashes, but from the cesspool of their disloyalty.
Michelle, you can lick the sweat from my balls! Conrad, you can too, just as soon as you grow a fucking spine! Grandma, how dare you have no confidence in me to get my life together? Just because I have been lazy and self indulgent in the past does not mean that I haven't learned from my mistakes...
So, FUCK ALL OF YOU! This one's for me!

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16381819/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16381819/ Sun, 13 Jan 2008 03:21:34 PST At the same time, I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's wearing me down mentally, emotionally, and physically. I think I have gone way past depression into plain apathy. At least when I was depressed I wanted to kill myself, and that was something. Now, I really don't care if I live or die. I don't care if I wake up in the morning. I don't care if I sleep all day. I don't care about anything anymore...

----------------
Now playing: Rolling Stones - Satisfaction
via FoxyTunes

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16257115/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/16257115/ Fri, 04 Jan 2008 15:06:15 PST This has happened to me in the past and luckily I was able to recognize it for what it was before I got in too deep.
I can't help but wonder, though, will I ever find a real connection and relationship with someone, or will I just go around in the same circles over and over and over again?
Time will tell, I guess. But time is a son of a bitch and doesn't like to divulge secrets until it's almost too late...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15985915/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15985915/ Tue, 18 Dec 2007 12:02:11 PST
I have a lovely, little lady that is attracted to me as all hell, and I must say that I have a very similar feeling these days... Not anything serious, by any means. And nor do I want that yet, but tis wonderful to have someone paying that kind of attention to me again. We're taking it VERY slowly and talking, hanging out, being friends, that sort of thing... But, it still kicks ass!

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15809847/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15809847/ Wed, 05 Dec 2007 15:55:54 PST To tell the honest truth, I'm getting a little sick of being shot down all the time. It seems that every time I try I get my heart stepped on. No, not stepped on, crushed under foot is more like it.
I keep telling myself, "Someday...", but I'm starting to wonder if someday will ever get here...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15795436/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15795436/ Tue, 04 Dec 2007 15:31:35 PST
PS: Fuck all the women in my past, but the one who can do no wrong now...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15174778/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15174778/ Mon, 22 Oct 2007 14:42:52 PDT It's starting to drive me insane. I told myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to put my heart out for anyone to stomp on again. So, what do I do? The one thing that I said I wouldn't. I took a few chances and rolled craps every damned time...
There has got to be one woman out there for me. There has to be. I mean isn't there someone out there for everybody?
Maybe I'll take another chance, maybe I won't. Right now, I don't know...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15143069/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15143069/ Sat, 20 Oct 2007 12:00:25 PDT I used to feel the joy;
the likes of which
I haven't felt since I was just a boy.
I miss my former life.
I miss the halcyon haze.
I miss the way I used to feel
in those not so darkened days.
I wonder if it's getting worse.
I wonder what it's worth.
Should I have killed myself
fifteen minutes after birth?
I have so many questions
and no answers in my sight.
I used to say "Good Morning!"
now I only say "...good night."

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15131687/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/15131687/ Fri, 19 Oct 2007 16:09:41 PDT The coolest part of it all is that because one of the company's major contracts is Sony, I'll get to see CDs, DVDs, and PlayStation games all before they hit the general public's greedy little hands. I wonder if they have a pre-production company discount on stuff...Hmmmmmmmmm...

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/14927053/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/14927053/ Fri, 05 Oct 2007 13:13:01 PDT just) moved to a new town. I got all the utilities turned on. Still trying to get furniture set up, but that will fall into place as it needs to, no?
Looking for work is a hassle, I guess. But, the free time between applications has given me time to do a few things I've been wanting to do (like watch FLCL and work on some new art, including the Family Guy brush set (soon, I promise...).
Other than that, life is good now. I found my center and I think things are going to finally, after 20 or so years, be OK. It's about time!

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/14548695/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/14548695/ Sat, 08 Sep 2007 16:34:28 PDT
]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/14387159/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/14387159/ Tue, 28 Aug 2007 20:50:49 PDT My life now is nothing but pain, and my art is about the only thing in my life these days that gives me peace. I love the inspiration that depression creates, but I hate being depressed... I guess it's just a vicious cycle.

]]> ~muutus http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/14338338/ http://muutus.deviantart.com/journal/14338338/ Sat, 25 Aug 2007 18:21:22 PDT
I hope anyone who downloads them, likes them. So you know, I don't care about credit or faves. If you want to give me props, that's cool. If you don't that's cool too. But, if I put a disclaimer in with download, READ IT! ...and follow what it says. I won't be responsible for any possible legal action due to someone else's fuck up...

Thanks & enjoy!

]]> ~muutus