well i guess i am better. i don't feel like someone is punching me in the stomach so thats a plus. i got in trouble again yesterday. so i am praying that i can get through today without much trouble or any at all. i can't think of something else that i would get in trouble for...but i don't trust my memory. so i am waiting in anxiety and tension. its hard to smile. but i'll manage. its hard to think positive. but i'm trying. it's hard to not hate myself and beat myself up. but i'm hanging on to the thought that something needs to get better. it cannot get any worse. at least thats what i am hoping. so pray for me? please? i just need a break right now...i need to finally figure out why i got here, how i got here, and who i really am and want to be. i must say thanks for all the people who have stuck by me through this. you guys are the best and deserve a prize. but all you will get is my thanks. hope thats enough. love you all and couldn't do anything without all of you.