http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:only-hurts-me-more13&section=today deviantART RSS for by:only-hurts-me-more13 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 25 Nov 2009 03:41:38 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/27454047/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/27454047/ Sun, 27 Sep 2009 17:25:00 PDT


Well...yeah that's pretty much my life right now

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26921175/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26921175/ Sun, 30 Aug 2009 17:31:18 PDT
I need to relax before the school year starts, but some things seem to be making it a bit...difficult for me to do so. I need to get rid of the difficulty but there is something stopping me. Its like I need the difficulty in my life. I know I will never be rid of it. I just wish it would give me a break every now and again.

Guess I kind of can't wait for school to start again, I need something to keep my mind off of a bunch of things that are going on right now. I need to think about something when I can't think of other things. There are times when the things that are going on in my personal life need to be drowned out with something else. Something that will eventually be productive. Plus I will be working and volunteering all at the same time. I will have hardly any time to focus on my personal issues I hope that is a good thing. I really hope I won't drown my personal life and other stuff going on in it. There are things that I can't bear to lose. I really don't need to be an emotional wreck at any time this year.

Both of my semesters are pretty hard. I will have homework to distract me and I will have classes to go to and I won't be able to take any sick days. I will have to go everyday. If I miss any days it will be really bad. I will have a lot to catch up on. I think English will be nice to go back to

It will be nice to see my friends everyday again too ... I need that. Especially right now.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26834787/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26834787/ Wed, 26 Aug 2009 11:14:28 PDT
But I got a shock today. One that I was never expecting. One of my friends revealed to me a secret that I really can't tell anyone. And I really hate it. I mean not that I want to go out and tell everyone and their uncle. But I really can't even tell my parents. I know why he doesn't want everyone knowing, its because I don't think he wants to have stupid special treatment from everyone. Its going to be hard now knowing, not to treat him differently. But because he is one of my best friends, I will try my very best.

I had to get that out.

Thank you.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26812086/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26812086/ Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:47:21 PDT
I wanted to go to his house last night, but that didn't work out. But I guess I'm going to his house on Thursday night. We will see how that goes. I really hope he isn't all mad at me the whole time. That would actually make me really sad

But whatever I guess its just something that I have to deal with, life. It sucks. Whatever.


Guh, guess I should get ready and leave for work soon... grr

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26517248/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26517248/ Mon, 10 Aug 2009 23:44:33 PDT
Anyway, the rest of the trip will be...well...interesting.

Love you all.

Byeee

<3

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26425411/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26425411/ Thu, 06 Aug 2009 14:31:47 PDT
Anyway, I got some good pictures with my new camera...and I guess that is it.

Going to miss Kenneth.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26313416/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26313416/ Sat, 01 Aug 2009 07:41:51 PDT
In other news, work is going well...I only work one day this week and it is Wednesday. Its alright I guess. I was expecting more hours the week before I go away but whatever, I guess I just have to deal with the hours I get. I'm working at the flower store today and maybe I will be working here on Tuesday too. I'm not sure yet, I was going to ask later today if they will need any help. Even if it is just cleaning that I'm doing it is still something to do on the day that my Dad is working. I think I will stay the whole week at my Dad's house. I don't want to go home to see my mum. There really isn't any point to it. Or not that I see anyway. I won't really be seeing any of my friends this upcoming week anyway, so I will just stay at my Dad's house and at least I can clean his house before I leave or something.

Anyway...I should probably end this little journal here...

Can't wait to leave. . .

I'll miss Kenneth though

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26259329/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26259329/ Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:35:02 PDT pretty fun times.

Had a really good time today

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26234475/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26234475/ Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:46:17 PDT
Spent the last two nights with Ken, Sunday night we went to see Orphan...it was good. Has a really good twist at the end. There are a few things from the movie that I wanted to research...to bad I can't remember what they were. Oh well I'm sure it will come to me later. I also love how many companies and different products were advertised in the movie. It was getting a little ridiculous by the end of the movie.

Worked drive thru for the first time today. Not too bad, after the first couple orders you get the hang of it. Just a bit fast sometimes. One thing I hate...wait no two things...or...well I guess three things I hate about drive thru. 1. People who whisper 2. People who YELL 3. People who have really loud diesel trucks and don't shut them off while they tell you what they want so you can't hear a damn thing they are saying. Other than that I really like drive thru.

I should never be allowed to make those swirly soft ice cream cones. I suck at it so badly. But oh well I was told by the boss today that I was getting better at it. Boss also said that I am getting to be a pro at drive thru Was very proud of myself today

Hmm...other than that, Ken and I are happier than ever, and I am going to see one of my best friends tomorrow we are going to be bumming around my apartment I think. If not we will be around town yay, can't wait

Also, I really hope it is sunny this week, just so I can go out in the sun tons and try to get my hair to fade.

Love you all : )

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26191109/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26191109/ Sun, 26 Jul 2009 13:28:34 PDT I am so excited to go to the movies tonight! And then after the movies tonight I think I'm spending the night at Ken's house Can't wait. I hope my mum says I can go. I will tell her that we are going out for dinner and then we are going to a late movie. She has to work tomorrow. Neither Ken or I have to work tomorrow. Which is an odd occurance. I work on Tuesday though. Oh well. Its not that long of a shift. Its like three hours.

Going out for ice cream in a sec though.

Love you all!!

Such an awesome mood today

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26155798/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26155798/ Fri, 24 Jul 2009 17:20:50 PDT
I think I have decided what I am doing after high school is done. I am hopefully going to have all my grades where I want them and I will be done school at the end of June 2011 and will have all my credits and my volunteer hours. I will graduate and be all happy and what not. Then I'm moving out when school is done, with my boyfriend (or so we are thinking now, I hope it all goes as planned). I am starting to save big time for when that all happens. Should be interesting. Then I am going to take a year off and get a full time job doing something that will hopefully have something to do with what I want to do when I get older. Then I will be going to University for whatever I want to do (I'm really unsure of what that is right now...but I'm thinking).

So yeah... lots to be excited and nervous about

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26125615/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/26125615/ Thu, 23 Jul 2009 09:05:35 PDT so that will suck, and I don't think I will get to go anywhere either. There is a shitload of cleaning I have to do and then when my mum gets home she thinks its my job to clean out HER van. I can't wait for August. I can't wait. 18 more days until I leave. I get to spend a week with all girls. It should be nice. I think we will all get along this year. And I might get to go shopping after our camping trip yay

Only thing that really sucks is that I don't have a camera to bring. Only my phone. And three of the girls (including me) have the same phone. The other girl doesn't have a phone. It is going to be interesting to say the least. We all want there to be tons of pictures this year, but if we don't have a camera that could be interesting.

And I am soo sick of this little town and all the drama inside it. Its really getting ridiculous. I would like to leave, but I really can't. I have to stay here until I finish high school. I'd like all the drama to go away, but that seems too much to ask. Sooner or later it has to leave right?

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25965353/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25965353/ Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:54:17 PDT
Book is coming along. I am getting some ideas for the next parts. I might edit part six a little so that it is a little more interesting. I'm not really sure if it is...at all interesting at the moment. Let me know what you think.

Connor-remind me to send you part 5...

Really happy right now actually. Hope it lasts. Saw something in the reflection that I liked today : )

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25874537/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25874537/ Sat, 11 Jul 2009 06:24:43 PDT
But that is enough of that, I have to get to work. Then I have to work again in thy hometown on Monday.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25683980/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25683980/ Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:56:04 PDT
]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25503894/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25503894/ Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:58:44 PDT Well, most recent ex. We promised not to talk bad about each other and we said that we are going to try our best to be friends. I really hope it all works out and I hope he doesn't hate me when I find someone else. I really hope he finds someone else too. I want him to be happy. I'm really not a bad person. Really..

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25487715/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25487715/ Tue, 23 Jun 2009 04:15:43 PDT
enough said.

and the "mood" at the bottom is wrong. I am sure as hell not happy.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25429853/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25429853/ Sat, 20 Jun 2009 07:19:32 PDT
I think I am going back to his house tonight, but I might be going to the fair that is in town with a friend first. I will have to see

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25379656/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25379656/ Wed, 17 Jun 2009 18:33:59 PDT He is so amazing to me I don't even know how to describe the way that I feel when I get to see him smile down at me. I anticipate making him smile. I want to make him smile. I wish I could make him smile every second of every day. But sadly, stupidity gets in the way, and I have recently found that: Stupidity, is lethal. It really it. Stupidity almost caused my death last night. (Well kind of not literally, but figuratively.)
He is the world that I stand on, and he possesses that gravity that pulls me close to him even when I don't think I want to be pulled close. When really, that is all I want. Being close to him is like being protected from everything else in the world. It is my happy place.

He is my happy place.

Kenneth is my happy place.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25352057/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25352057/ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:42:36 PDT
It has actually been pretty amazing. Though some bad things have happened. I didn't let them get me down : )

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25333756/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25333756/ Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:46:23 PDT
]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25289526/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25289526/ Sat, 13 Jun 2009 11:09:34 PDT
My boyfriend and I recently had a talk about depression, he said that he was getting a little depressed and what not, so I got worried and wanted to talk to him about it and we did. But while we were talking I realized that I have been very depressed in the past little while. Its hard for me to avoid it, but I have been. I suppose I have been trying to ignore it by never being alone, but I always fail at that somehow. Like I am alone now. It is really hard to resist certain urges I have. I don't like them, but they are like a not-so-subtle addiction. I don't think I will be able to control them for much longer.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25274367/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25274367/ Fri, 12 Jun 2009 13:56:53 PDT Shouldn't be too hard, I am Elizabeth in one scene of Pirates of the Caribbean...so yeah. I have a total of like three lines...maybe.

I should go and talk to my mother though...she just got home.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25229404/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25229404/ Wed, 10 Jun 2009 04:36:12 PDT
It will be such a blast. I have some plans but I also have a job. So I think I will have plenty of fun and some money too! It should be nice

I can't wait for anything, I just seem so impatient today. I think I might be able to get some writing in, in my third period today, I am one of the first ones to do my presentation and I will be done pretty fast, and after that I will be able to write through everyone else's presentation. It should be nice. And usually the class is pretty quiet when someone is presenting. So I will have peace except for the one who is actually talking.

It will be nice anyway.

love you all <3

p.s I'm having a really good day so far, though my mother doesn't seem to want to wake up and she will be late if she doesn't do so soon

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25210431/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/25210431/ Tue, 09 Jun 2009 04:50:09 PDT
Off to school now though, and I will try to write here more often...I do have some writing I need to put on here...

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/24879976/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/24879976/ Thu, 21 May 2009 19:14:17 PDT
I thought this whole thing would really make me happy and for a while it really did. I guess it was until people started to realize that my life was really heading where I wanted it to that they said "hey this isn't right, she can't be happy" and then started to tear me down. Its not fair. Why am I not allowed to be happy. It is really getting on my nerves but I don't know what I can do about it. There are so many other people who bring problems around on themselves, and that do much worse things than me and they get treated with utmost respect and they are the "kings" and the "queens" their little princes and princesses can do almost anything they want too. It really IS just like one big fucking palace here. I hate this. I want to be happy. But I don't want to be queen. I want the happiness that appears on the queens face, the happiness that was upon my face for that time before it became apparent that it was real.

Am I asking too much. Really?

Is it not enough that everyone has shattered my image of perfection, my hopes, my dreams, my wants, and my wishes. Is it not enough that my heart is breaking under the pressure of the society?

I need him to help me, but I don't know how.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/24855387/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/24855387/ Wed, 20 May 2009 12:04:30 PDT
]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/24570991/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/24570991/ Sun, 03 May 2009 17:27:28 PDT
I have been going out with Kenneth for four months now and on our four month anniversary (Friday) he made me cry, and we talked it out like I never would have with anyone else and I got to cry in his arms, it was really special to me. I don't know if it was the same for him. But I wish I could have really showed him how I felt. But unfortunately we don't really share brain waves...so yeah...

My mum has been more involved in her friends and Brad, which I guess is good that she is getting out and everything, and it is letting me get more involved in my friends and homework.

Ken's parents have decided that they are moving, and it is closer to me but they also want to cut back on money (understandable), and they want to cut back on gas consumption (also understandable). So we are only really allowed to see each other during school and on weekends. But not even really at all if I am at my dad's house for the weekend. Oh well I guess it gives us both more time with our friends and then stuff to talk about when we are together. good thing? I think so.

Well I guess my family has kind of slapped me in the face too, my grandparents on both sides of the family have been kind of shutting me out. Or kind of forgetting about me when it comes to stuff like....telling people important things. Like my grandpa has a tumour!? Who the hell forgot to tell me that!? I think its in his brain and yeah. He was talking about it on the phone to someone and I overheard and the rest of the family seemed to already know....does this mean that everyone thought that I didn't need to know such things? I know that my nana has rumatoid arthritis...whatever. Anyway, that and then on my mums side I haven't seen them in what feels like forever and that doesn't really seem to bother anyone but me.

I talked to Tasha a few days ago, or at least I think it was a few days...anyway her and the baby are doing good. I saw him when he was like three or four days old. Six days at the most. Well anyway. He is FOUR MONTHS OLD now!!!!! I am freaking out, I am supposed to be a part of this baby's life and I haven't seen him since he was like six days old?! I was supposed to see him in April and see Tasha for her birthday, but my mum said no and then she was going to buy plane tickets to go to California. If she would have bought them I would have been really really upset. I am still upset that I haven't seen her for this long.

That is about all that is on my mind at the moment...or at least all that I will share with you right now xD

love you all <3

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23974537/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23974537/ Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:46:20 PDT
Other than that, school has been good, I am really finding out who my real friends are, who will be there when crisis strikes, and who won't. I am happy that I am starting to know. I seem to say that all the time though. I guess it changes sometimes.

Kenneth
Valerie
Caitlyn
Sammy
Tasha
Sara

I know you will always be there for me <3
Thank you <3
I'll always be there for you.

I am actually thinking about turning my phone on ringer at night, so that I can hear if someone texts me in the middle of the night, if they are texting me that late, it is usually important...

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23881854/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23881854/ Wed, 25 Mar 2009 12:12:27 PDT
Hmm...I have been writing, and I found some stuff from a while ago, that I suppose I would like to put up on here...I shall do that in a minute...I just have to find something to eat first...

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23851880/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23851880/ Mon, 23 Mar 2009 15:45:43 PDT <3 -->
]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23833475/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23833475/ Sun, 22 Mar 2009 14:28:00 PDT and then we went to make breakfast, after that I think we went to watch a movie, after some movie we didn't really know, we watched Sweeny Todd, then we went to go to my house, and when we got there my mother announced that we were going grocery shopping, then after that, we went for ice cream, and I got mascara and a magazine, god I miss reading magazines some days....just sitting there, and there are books, but they aren't the same, I need to have a magazine around, just in case..

Then after that we were going to walk back to my house and Ken went to take a "short cut" and when he went to go over the snowbank, he slipped and fell, and then I went to talk to one of my friends in the park, because she was crying, and I was concerned, and while I was away he managed to get himself all muddy, and almost stuck in the mud...he makes my world spin around, god I love him.



]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23780125/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23780125/ Thu, 19 Mar 2009 13:14:17 PDT I haven't seen too much of my friends, which is unfortunate, but that is only because most of them went away for March Break and others had friends down from old home towns and what-not. But I had the best March Break with my baby <3 We spent a lot of time together, and we didn't fight too much. We had one little fight kind of thing, where I ended up in tears, but we got it all resolved which was good. I was happy that we did, and I am now trying to convince my Aunt to let me work tomorrow because they have a wedding to do the flowers for on Saturday, and I will be there on Saturday but we will be worrying about other stuff on Saturday because we have my Uncle's birthday to do after work, and the wedding flowers and arrangements have to be done the day before so they can go out in the morning. My dad will be delivering them in the morning, and then he has to take my Uncle out, so that me and my Aunt can get to her house to do the decorating and whatever else. I was thinking that I was going to stay at my mums house this weekend, but I guess that almost sounds like a stupid idea. Because I might be in London tomorrow, and then Saturday, and my dad will be at my work (doing deliveries), and he will be at the party too. It just seems to make more sense gas wise... I guess.

I suppose I should have a shower before my mother gets home and wants to know what we are going to do tonight, she says that we should do something for the whole March Break thing, but there really isn't too much that I can think of that we can do, we were going to play tennis the one day but when we got the the courts it was too windy to play, and I don't know what else we could do, everything else that I can think of involves money, we don't have board games, and I don't want to spend the whole night on the computer again, I've done that like every night this week. Its getting kind of ridiculous.
Well of course last night I wasn't on the computer, I spent the night watching movies and spending time with Kenneth

I should wrap this up though because no one wants to read a journal this long... really

love you all

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23694027/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23694027/ Sat, 14 Mar 2009 12:35:41 PDT
I'm at work right now, and we are talking about weddings and I got told that my wedding would be depressing but I thought it would have been a rather good idea, I think that the white dress idea that everyone has in their heads, white means purity, I couldn't wear a white dress at my wedding, and I never have wanted to wear a white dress at my wedding. But I was told that it is just going to be horrific. I think it will be really pretty.
But whatever that is just me.

My relationship is completely amazing, Kenneth, is the one that I will love for the rest of my life. I could see us getting married and having a life together, I have dreams about it all the time. I feel amazing when I'm with him, I feel like I could conquer the world when I am in his arms...of course I would never do such a thing.....

My family life...well I'm pretty much ignoring everyone...

And friends...well some of them are turning out to be not so friend-like, but most of them are really good, and I think I will get a chance to hang out with a lot of them on the break...march break

<3

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23571699/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23571699/ Sat, 07 Mar 2009 09:44:32 PST
My mum and I are good I think, she has been working my dads side of the family up about moving, but currently...I don't really care if she moves or not, I would be taken care of anyway. It is part of the agreement my mum and dad made when I was born and they divorced. So whatever. It doesn't matter about their past anymore (that is a lie, but I thought I would put it here to see if I felt any differently about it...and I don't)...anyway...

Yeah so my life is kind of calm, but if you are a little beneath what you see on the surface, it is chaos...

love you all <3

and val, if you read this, I am sorry for blowing up on friday, I was really upset...

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23117613/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/23117613/ Tue, 10 Feb 2009 09:23:43 PST
Hmm life other than that is pretty good, Kenneth and I are getting along great, we are going through a little bit of a rough patch here, because he has hours at work again and that means that there is less time spent just me and him. He has to work and that means that I am free to see my friends and whatnot. And so he is a little upset about that I think. Or so it seems, and he is just a little...overwhelmed because I made plans so quickly without him even knowing...I don't know. But its something that he is going to have to get used to.

I have been pretty proud of myself in the last week or so though, I made a cheesecake with my dad on Saturday night, and we didn't fight the whole time... (even when we broke the mixer...). And such a sweet reward it was on Sunday night when I had Ken over for dinner with my family for the first time, they were all really nice (surprisingly, which made me look really bitchy to him because of how I described them all to him), but it was nice that they weren't how they usually are. And the cheesecake was really good after the supper we had. We had some laughs and I didn't cry afterwards. My dad let Ken drive me home, and seemed pretty okay with it, I could see in his eyes that he didn't want to let me go though... ( or was it just me wanting to see it?). Whatever it was...maybe he is just realizing now that I am growing up fast and no matter what...I will be out of the house and in University faster than he thinks.

I was picking my courses for my grade 11 year when i got home today and there are so many courses that I want to take but only two more years left for me to take them...I will either have to find a way to pick the ones that I really really want to take...or do my grade 13.

My mum and I have been better, she is sick and so am I. She gave me a little of what she had last week and I gave her some of my sore throat sniffles. And we are nicer to each other when we are both sick, or even when one of us is sick... I hope it lasts this time...

love you all.

Jess <3

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22991767/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22991767/ Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:52:40 PST
Some day it will all get easier, but before that I have a feeling it will get harder, much harder.

And I will update here more often now I think, it may be the only place I can be myself and really let my emotions out, even if no one is reading it.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22890972/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22890972/ Thu, 29 Jan 2009 17:54:50 PST
well there are a few things that aren't going so well, and i am trying not to think about those things, sure it is hard and whatnot but whatever, i mean its life, i guess we all just have to deal with this shit and move on. or not. no matter what the decision, shit happens.

so...just thought i would update this...

exams are finally over and i passed math c:
didn't think i could do it
but i did
still going to summer school for it though *rolls eyes*
even though it was my decision....
i really don't want to lose my dad over this math stuff
so i have to take summer school and get my mark up...
way up....

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22582745/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22582745/ Wed, 14 Jan 2009 17:16:19 PST
My papa used to have me as his favourite (as bitchy and self centred as that sounds) its true, he told me that and he always hated coreena, because she was annoying and just came into the family when her dad started to date my aunt (his daughter). so never liked her. my mum starts dating Brad (california guy) and he doesn't like it, he tells her, she bitches and is stupid about it, they aren't talking anymore. so now they completely ignore each other. and now he is completely ignoring me. i'm no longer the favourite. he's taken coreena as his favourite now, not making sense...at all. and he hasn't spoken over seven words to me in over five months.

i don't understand family.

what did i do?

i'm against Brad too...

take me back, i miss you papa
]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22450972/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22450972/ Wed, 07 Jan 2009 11:51:29 PST well i have a feeling i am finding out now
it doesn't really reveal its secrets to the ones that don't need/deserve it
so i am surprised that some of the secrets have been revealed to me
but i am happy
and dating kenneth <3

love you all

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22263147/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22263147/ Mon, 29 Dec 2008 15:03:40 PST

уσυ кησω тнєяє'ѕ ησ ѕтσρριη ιт

So today was relatively boring, spent it reading and I got some time to write some poems...and I think I put the ones I wrote on here already...but I'll check again later. And then I went to see Ken at work...
And I ran into a friend there, and while we were talking he asked how long Ken and I have been going out....so I said we aren't, and so he looks at me with a really surprised look and says "wow you two look and act like your going out."
And so he and I are talking about it....
And we start to talk about New Years
And I told him that I plan to ask him out new years
At midnight
but I will be trying a kiss first....
Just to make sure I won't be totally taking a plunge into pain...
If he kisses me back...the question comes...
If he doesn't, I guess I pretend like I was never going to ask
And live with whatever pain may come with that...
And yeah...
I just hope to hell that he says yes...

I haven't really been thinking about much else
Except Tasha and her baby...
She is due anytime now, she is already dilated and stuff
So...I am expecting the text to tell me the boy has been born
In a way I can't wait,
And I was talking to her today and she said that she is in a lot of pain
And that this is too soon
She's not ready for it yet
She was excited before,
But it is scaring her, I understand.



]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22244594/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22244594/ Sun, 28 Dec 2008 14:40:55 PST
Well I've been pretty good lately...I think. I mean I haven't done anything "stupid". So I guess thats a good thing. I have almost fallen apart a few times. But I've had two people there for me...Zane I thank you, and Ken I thank you too. (though Ken probly won't see this)
I've thought a lot while on this holiday/break thing...I have thought about how I want my life to go, about how I want to be known in my family and everywhere else, thought about what relationships I want, and which I don't (relationships with my family and friends count...not just dating relationships) and last I thought about dating. I am confused about a lot...and I guess in a way I'm coming unglued.

ƒαмιℓу

Well my mother is having issues with her love-life, as she has been talking about it for the past like three weeks. But every night her and him make up. I'm sick of it and I'm sick of hearing about it. So now when she starts talking about it I just kind of ignore it but still pay attention at the same time. Its difficult and some of the things that she says really set me off. Like today she asked me to think of the down sides of who she is dating now and I thought of...oh...hmm...at least ten reasons and then she asked me to think of the up sides and I said I couldn't think of any. And she started really swearing when she got with him. And I told her that and so I guess that set her off because she started yelling and ended with "he's not a villan you know!?"

ƒяιєη∂ѕ

My real friends are pretty good, still close to me and still love me for who I am and not for what I have or the connections I have with anyone or anything. I can't believe that some people are really that cruel to pretend to be friends with someone and then turn around and say otherwise. It DOES get back to them and when it does, it hurts. Just thought I would say that...because...well...it does!

ℓιƒє

I am still alive...thats a plus. A lot has gone right in my life, but then again a lot has gone wrong aswell. And no matter how I look at some things I just can't see any reason for them to happen or any good in them at all. It just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe to someone else it does...

ℓσνє

Or lack of. I guess you could say that I really don't have a whole lot of love in my life right now... There is a certain guy that keeps hinting that he likes me and we were joking around and I told him he would have to watch a whole disney movie with me and he said that he would go crazy and I said crazy for me. And so he goes. "Jess haven't you caught on yet..I'm already crazy for you" and it just went on from there and I don't know if he was still joking around or not...its a little confusing, but anyone who has read my journal before, or just knows me, should know that my love life usually is pretty confusing.

ι'м αℓωαуѕ αƒяαι∂

I'm always afraid of getting hurt again. I guess its just something that I have to get used to. I was used to it once and then someone pretended to heal my wounds, then ripped them open ten times worse, so unprepared I was when I should have been well prepared for the destruction. Well its over now and I wouldn't cross the road to pee on him if he was on fire now.

ι ƒєєℓ ℓιкє мαкιη α мσνє
яєαℓ gєσgяαρнι¢
α ¢нαηgє ιη мσσ∂

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22222378/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22222378/ Sat, 27 Dec 2008 08:10:24 PST

Hope everyone had a really great Christmas



I had a great one. I got to spend Christmas with my family and I know there are those that are less fortunate and didn't get the one greatest gift that I got. I got to spend Christmas with my family, laugh and share memories and I got the gift of friendship from all my friends

Hope everyone else had really great holidays (whatever you were celebrating)

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22119022/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22119022/ Mon, 22 Dec 2008 10:07:48 PST
I am pretty happy right now. I have been with my family all this week...or since Friday night till' now and will be with my family until after the weekend after Christmas.
Sure I miss my friends, but I don't get this kind of opportunity to be with my family like this very often.
In other news. I have my friends with me through everything, Tasha's baby is due any day now. I can't wait to see the baby. She is going to Sherkston with us still. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to see my cousins either. But I have to wait until the weekend of January ninth to do that. I can wait though, patiently....sort of...
I get to go shopping with my mother tonight. Should be fun. Or maybe she will cancel because of the snow. I don't know. But I hope I get to see her I miss her
Hmm...I guess that is about it for now

Have a great Christmas <3

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22083790/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/22083790/ Sat, 20 Dec 2008 11:21:21 PST Then there are people that just think this holiday is all about money and how much you can spend on someone and how much you can get someone. It is really stupid. I mean its not all about that. The value of family means something....and friendship? Well...thats just me. I don't know about everyone else.

Love you guys and have a really great Christmas

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21986060/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21986060/ Sun, 14 Dec 2008 18:18:54 PST With all the little pieces of my broken heart.

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21814590/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21814590/ Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:00:40 PST But aparently I'm emo and stuff so he doesn't like that about me. And yeah......but then again I am trying to show someone that I am emo but show him that I'm not at the same time :S
Weird. And very hard...
But yeah that is pretty much it...

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]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21783797/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21783797/ Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:33:39 PST It is just so messed up. Most of my life is
But whatever that is just me at the moment.
Just me.
Nothing to worry about.

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]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21772334/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21772334/ Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:19:52 PST And then there are all these other issues that are coming back to haunt me. Things that I have been ignoring for so long. This has all hit me like a brick wall, all over again. I thought I had escaped the grasps of these feelings...but I guess not.
My family will never look at me the same way every again, because of the things that they have heard about me and being my family they have believed it all, and my mother is disappointed in me like no other time in my life. I wish I could go back in time and make everything different and not make her disappointed in me. I never wanted to disappoint her. She is one of the most important people in my life. I don't care what I say when I'm mad or upset or whatever. She is the best mother a daughter could have and I don't ever want to lose her.

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]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21680595/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21680595/ Wed, 26 Nov 2008 12:28:23 PST but that is aparently too much to ask
anyway the guy that i have been stressing over
is officially out of my life
i am no longer ever going to talk to him again
and that is that
i am not going to go back on that
his girlfriend made me laugh today though
because she was telling me to fuck off and leave him alone
and stop with MY jealously...
and so i told her that i didn't want him
and she says...good then fuck off
and she kept going with it...
insecure that she is going to lose him to me again??
maybe
but whatever
she won't have to worry bout me
its just every other girl on the planet she has to worry bout now...
oh and then there is the whole thing that she is kind of dating this other guy at the same time she is dating my ex...hmm...that could be interesting...
HAHAH!!!

love you all

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21658581/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21658581/ Tue, 25 Nov 2008 04:54:28 PST I really don't want eyeliner and mascara down my face today...

But anyway
I am getting closer with my friends now and its going pretty good actually. They are really great and really supportive of everything and they are everywhere when I need them <3 They are reallky fabulous friends. I couldn't ask for any better

I love you all

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21587908/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21587908/ Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:21:41 PST He was texting last night and said that he was thinking that he might want a break up but he wasn't totally sure and then today he said he didn't want to hurt me and whatever. And he said I can't do this anymore and we can't be together so I texted him and said fine, we're done and so he texts back and says are you okay? i was like it doesn't matter and he said yes it does, and I didn't answer that.

We have agreed to be friends. But really I don't think I am going to talk to him. Like he screwed me over twice and I'll be getting the "I told you so's" soon...

Whatever. I feel happier I guess.


I am just going to focus on friends for now. they are always there <3

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21540704/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21540704/ Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:04:53 PST

And I really do love him. So I am just going to put my heart into it again. I really want this to work.

Oh and I got my kiss in the snow today

]]> ~only-hurts-me-more13 http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21479909/ http://only-hurts-me-more13.deviantart.com/journal/21479909/ Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:51:22 PST




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