deviantART: by:pandashekki

Big World, End of Chapter 1

~pandashekki — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 17:39:00 PDT

Just as I had predicted from the previous post almost too many months ago, a lot has happened in that time frame. All for the better, I think.

For my new muse, I had to give her away pretty much the instant I got her I had lost my job when I received her, so I didn't think it would be wise for me to also raise a new kitten at the same time. Luckily though, I only gave her away to my (now ex-) roommate to give to his girlfriend. Still, the kitten lived with us. Her new name is Princess Buttercup, and they found her a new playmate, a male kitten named Juice (so their initials are PB&J- how cute!).

As far as my employment, I am working again As a matter of fact, I have been working for 3.5 months now. I was only unemployed for a mere 3 weeks. In which I got nothing accomplished, except rest. Hah.

I'm a merchandiser at an unnamed retail chain. Here's a description of the title, pulled from fashion-schools.com:
"Job Description: Visual Merchandisers are responsible for conceptualizing, designing, and implementing window and in-store displays for both online and brick and mortar retail stores. Visual Merchandisers must combine their creativity and artistic flair with technical know-how to set up displays that maximize the space of the store while effectively catching the eye and appealing to the senses of their target customers. Their mail goals are:
(1) create and maintain an image for a department or store that resonates with their target customers,
(2) increase customer traffic in the store, and
(3) guide their customers' browsing through merchandise placement and store layout to result in an eventual sale.
Visual Merchandisers may provide input or oversee the design and layout of a store or department, fashion showrooms, tradeshow displays, and any other areas where the store's apparel and accessories are displayed, promoted, or sold. In addition to drawing on their knowledge of customer tendencies when designing their displays, Visual Display Artists take into account current fashions and trends, promotions, and seasonal factors, such as holidays (e.g., Christmas and Valentine's Day). In larger department stores or retail chains, Visual Merchandisers coordinate with the head office and other design teams (including buyers and sales staff) to ensure consistency with the corporate brand or image."

Nothing extremely fancy or too well-paid, but I am having a great time with this new job! It's fun, challenging, and rewarding. Although, there have been a few changes that the team and I will have to adjust to, it's all for the better!

In my social life, my friendships have gotten tighter. Hanging with those that matter the most, and weeding out some that don't matter so much. I've moved to another place to save on rent, with some friends, although I rarely see them as my schedule at this new job is ungodly.

In love, for a while, I was off-market and really happy. But, things have been a little rocky (har har) recently and I've decided to break it off momentarily until we both are really able to work in a relationship. He lives about 100 some odd miles from me, and it's been a little hard trying to see each other every week. Also, there are just things that we both are too stubborn to admit or change that makes it a little harder to be content with the situation. But, in time we will see. It was a really great relationship, and I hope that in the future, our situations will change, trending for us to cross paths again. With that said, he's still coming to visit me this weekend. >.<

And as far as what most of you are here to know me for, my photography. I haven't done any modeling shoots yet. YET! Meaning I will do them as soon as life settles down, and I get enough money to support myself. Good news though, I just got back my softbox that I've lent to a friend months ago. Yay!

Well, that's the end of this chapter. Stay tuned for my changes in my life and hopefully more artwork to put up!

It's a Big World Ahead

~pandashekki — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 21:43:14 PDT

Wow! Such an AMAZING response coming from my most recent deviation! I want to thank everyone for such overwhelming support for my new muse.

But, underneath this photo there is an underlying message. Most of you read about my recent change in work on my last journal entry. Well, as of yesterday, I am unemployed. Worst part of it all, since I am in sales, I was released due to "poor performance" when really, they tried every way possible to start laying off people without having to pay severance.

So, for the time being, I am jobless. But, luckily, some friends of mine are willing to hire me as their house cleaner (omg, really!?) but I cannot complain and should just be grateful that something has come along for the time being. Plus, I can concentrate on shooting more pics of my newest muse.

So a question to everyone: do you think it's worth it to make PRINT available for pics of my new kitty?

New Chapter

~pandashekki — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:29:16 PDT

Due to the current economic status, the company I work for (which will remain unnamed) has been cutting costs and reducing budget. Hence, my position has been reconsidered and I am no longer full-time, but now part-time. So I will be making much less money these days.

I have two weeks to figure out how I am going to live this way. I live out here in CA on my own; my family is out in TN. I have to find a new place to live, someone to take over my lease, a new job, etc.

I could complain about it. I could cry about it. But, what would it change? I could go on about how many times I've bended over backwards for this company, but it doesn't change the fact that they need to reduce expenses. I've climbed up and quickly went back down in position with them, but it doesn't change the fact that I was a part of their decision to cut back.

But, what does this mean? Everything happens for a reason, right? Now I will have more time to concentrate on my photography and other artistic endeavors. You all have probably noticed I have been very M.I.A. recently on here, because I will trying to advance in my career in retail. Well now that it has come to a halt, perhaps it is time for me to reconsider my career path and my personal goals.

Here's to a new part of my life. Let's hope it is for the better.

8,760 days...

~pandashekki — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:53:25 PDT

...I have lived to this date. Let's hope for many more...

p.s. Will be coming back strong! Je toi promets!

photo series: songs

~pandashekki — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:28:01 PDT

I've been trying to do this one for some time, but at the spur of the moment, I just started snapping away at the dog, and then it eventually came over to me taking pics of myself (how conceited, right?).

There's a lot of songs that ring a bell in my heart or I just simply really like. And I've been wanting to take a picture based around the song. This series is simple and less constricting. I base a picture around whatever song I've been addicting myself to recently. Not that the image itself has to do anything with the song, but it just happens to be that I am shooting while playing this song over and over and over again.

The first one's a self portrait, because it was accidental. I'm in a good mood when I listen to Rihanna's song, "If It's Lovin' That You Want" from her first album, Music of the Sun.

life is

~pandashekki — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 01:11:35 PDT

Life is all about all that you give and all that you take.
Life is learning from the wise and teaching the pupil.
Life is what happens when you make other plans.

Life is a bitch, and then you die.

I have to admit, although I deeply regret having moved to California, I feel that it was a necessary move. It's true, you learn a lot about yourself, including the way you handle certain situations and how you carry yourself. But unfortunately for me, the notion that a move warrants a way for you to restart your life, is not 100% applicable to me.

No matter how much I tell myself it's not true, I cannot deny the fact that I moved out here to pursue a relationship. Whether or not I should have realized that it was doomed from the beginning is unimportant. That fact alone is what regulated my life cycle from the beginning. I still do not have a full-time job, I haven't done much if anything at all with my photography, and I am still living with the guy I originally thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; and not to mention I am living off his money. What a blow to my pride.

I ran into a stupid situation with my friends today, and albeit truthfully I should not be mad, it still bothers me to this point. I've tried so hard to make good friends, to feel accepted and appreciated, and try every possible outlet available to get my mind off trying to get over a relationship failure. I've tried so hard to find guys to fill that certain void in my heart and time, to hopefully find that one guy that will certainly release me from this emotional situation I got myself into. And I know that's wrong because I know that I am in no position to be in a relationship right now. But I ask for a lot in such a small amount of time. And now I am paying for it, letting my heart get crushed by little situations my friends pull on me that wasn't really intended to be personal, but I take things personally anyway. It's a flaw of mine that I've got to work on.

Why am I here? Why did I make this move, and what did it teach me? I try too hard in the areas of life that I shouldn't be trying hard in the first place. I should be channeling all of my energy to finding a good career path, getting myself financially stable and preparing my name and reputation in the photography field. Instead, I quickly develop empty relationships (my fault), weaken my already fragile and dense heart, putting myself into this almost bottom-low position and forcing people into situations where they do not belong. And I am sorry- I really am. And I hope that every one knows that no matter how wrong I've done to someone, I make the best effort to repay it, and then more.

I fell. Hard. Slowly, but surely, and hard. What the hell can I do now to repair it all? What is there left to do to mend my tear in life that I've stupidly created? Take steps, that's all baby. Take small steps and I'll know that I've covered all my bases when I reach the top.

to all my dA friends...

~pandashekki — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:01:24 PDT

I'm sorry I've been infrequently updating... but on the same token, I haven't read ANYONE'S journals for the past, say, 5 months now.

So... instead of sifting through all (what... 300 unread journal entries?) I just deleted them all, and ask you to update me on what I need to know about you! Where are you? What are you doing? What artistic endeavors are you trying out?

I feel bad... really

photo series: animals

~pandashekki — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 07:09:00 PDT

I'm not quite done with the live band series just yet, but it is time for a change.

I was inspired to shoot animals when I saw a job posting for a pet photographer. Naturally, I was interested, but then realized that I had not officially shot with an animal before. Although the position said it required little to no experience in shooting animals, I still never got a call or email back. But I still have decided to take a leap into another direction.

So here's one of them. This is my roommate's dog. Lucky is his name (btw, I hate that name for sounding sooo close to my own, grr).

photo series: live band

~pandashekki — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 00:52:36 PST

So I never really have gotten the chance to shoot ever since I moved out to CA. Actually, I've had times where I could've used to shoot, but for some reason, it's just so much harder here. I think it's because I'm so focused on just getting myself settled and making money that I forgot how much photography made me happy.

I got invited by a fellow coworker to go to his show that he was hosting, an all-girls live band show. All the acts were either just girls or had lead girls in a band. It was quite an interesting night, and I was much impressed by the hidden talents that Orange County has.

I almost wanted to decline shooting the show... I HATE, absolutely HATE event photography. It's hard and unpredictable... I can't think that fast! But hey... there's a first for everything right? And this would be my first live band performance shooting ever.

So here it is... my first photo series in like 4 months, Live Band performances.

AHH SO SORRY

~pandashekki — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 15:48:31 PST

500+ unseen deviations
200+ unread messages

Wow, have I really, I mean really let myself get to this point? I did not realize I was this far behind on this site! And on top of that, my SUBSCRIPTION RAN OUT AHH!

While I'll wait til I get back home to apply for another subscription, let me take this time to update you on current happenings.

x Currently I'm at DFW airport awaiting my next connecting flight back to OC. I was home in Nashville for only 1.5 days, because I need to get back to work!

x I've been "going out" trying to get myself over this past relationship. In an idiotic sense, I did kind of move out here to pursue that, and now that it is not working out, I've got to redevelop my own life out here. But in all honesty, things between us are just fine and I wouldn't change it for the world.

x I still live with the ex, but hopefully in a few weeks I'll be moving out into my own apartment.

x I still work for Express, and need to start completely thinking about my future goals. I love Express, but if I am not progressing up the chain fast enough, it's time for me to reconsider other avenues.

x I'm seriously thinking about getting an MBA in Marketing.

x I haven't shot a model in SO FRIGGIN' LONG. I've been shooting stupid stuff here and there, and I'll need to post it soon. I miss this site, and especially ALL OF YOU GUYS AND GALS!

x My health is okay and my family is borderline falling apart. I feel kind of bad having moved so far from them, but hopefully things will get better soon and the divorce happens painlessly and quickly so everyone can get a move on.

x I need to start exercising again ><

x My sense of style is sharpening more and more as I get more involved with Express. I've bought Elle and Men's Vogue while I'm here and I need to start developing my styling skills, in fashion, skin care, make up, etc. If I want to be in Fashion Photography, I gotta know allllll about it!!

x My position at Express is Associate Knowledge and Retention. That's a big responsibility, considering all the future plans I have for my associates... buahahaha.

Ok, that's enough for now. TIME TO GET CRACKIN'!

help me out

~pandashekki — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 01:19:19 PST

[link]

best comment on this blog wins. maybe hopefully i will win, too? lol

sorry for the lack of attention on this site... ive been busy!! i promise to regularly update soon!!

Wounded people in my life...

~pandashekki — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 11:08:35 PST

It may be tough to get past a breech of trust today, especially if someone close has disappointed you. Nevertheless, you may have to forgive him or her, no matter how hard this is to do. Don't let your sensitivity get in the way; swallow your fear, move past your old hurts, and accept that you aren't responsible for fixing all the wounded people in your life. ~cancer horoscope, november 28

--

Thanks to him, I'm more confident than ever before.

Altho, it's still a bit unstable at times. I suppose that is it up to me to work on. Living with him isn't the healthiest thing an ex can do, but it helps a lot financially.

He's got a new puppy... Lucky's his name. It's very similar to my name, so I get confused a lot. Hah. I take care of Lucky a lot when he's gone to work. It's gonna suck when I move out

Keep your eye on the goal... you'll get there eventually...

Shield of impenetrable light...

~pandashekki — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 06:18:05 PST

It's hard to know what is appropriate today, for your emotional boundaries may be a bit fuzzy. You could waste time and energy lost in feelings that actually belong to someone else. Visualizing a shield of impenetrable light around you can be enough to reestablish a perimeter that keeps others out who aren't expressly invited. ~cancer horoscope, sunday, nov 18 2007

This could not be more true to what happened recently. Sometimes, you ask things that you think are harmless, but could be a lot for another person. Otherwise, you want so many answers to all of your questions, but you know the truth in them already, and hearing it again, will just make it hurt that much more.

You know you don't regret anything, when you've done the best you could at the time, with the knowledge you have. Some things just can't be helped, and it is no one's fault. People make mistakes, but we do our best to learn from them and do better the next time around. Or, we just don't venture into that hurtful realm again until our heart is ready for it.

For me, I know I'm well deserving, because I do my best to do what's right. But even bad things happen to good people, and even good people make bad decisions and have bad days. And sometimes, what's right in my head, isn't right to other people. I make mistakes just like everyone else, but at least I can man up to it, and I am proud that I can now do that.

Some people take my strength in various ways, mostly in ways not of my original intent. But it's how I grew up, and the experiences I've had, that makes me who I am now and how I react to certain situations. It may not be right in your perspective, but to me, it's all I know and am comfortable with. Only I know how I will end up, so I let no one else decide my path, unless that is I am truly lost, or I truly don't give a damn.

I know what it is I want, and I go out and get it. Recently I've lost sight of that, but it's time to get back in touch with who I really am. And if being aggressive makes people think I don't love, then so be it. It's true... I'm the kind of person to make changes if I do not like the situation I am in.

I am true to my heart, to my goal, to my desires. I am resilient, but often times lose focus and get off track. But once I fall, and fall hard sometimes, I get right back up and achieve what I had initially set out to achieve.

My greatest strength is also my greatest weakness. My heart. I love more than the word love can mean, and I care more than a mother's hand upon her baby's cheeks. And once I learn to control that, my heart can also become my greatest asset.

Caught

~pandashekki — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 18:21:23 PST

Here's a deviation (drawing) from another artist here on dA, whom apparently was inspired by me and my gallery. And I really like it... eventho I seem a bit narcissistic, I guess I am No, just kidding, I'm not, I'm just humble, I'm just the easiest model to get a hold of by me...

[link]

by

Thank you love

p.s. I must say, I wish my body and hair really looked like that right now...

Charged

~pandashekki — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 01:18:17 PDT

My laptop's fully charged, and I still have the power cord plugged in.

I bought/we played RISK tonight. Target has this new "limited vintage edition" for the classic games. It comes in this nice board box [link] . Pretty cool shit. Ivan won. Beginner's luck

Learned a life lesson: The game of risk, is sometimes not won by those who take big risks. They eventually thin themselves out and die.

Have been sending out emails to companies, and slightly avoiding intense emotions of love, and occupying my time with eating, tv, and video games. Just rented Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness. Same game as Colosseum, just a new story. Gah.

I just got a ticket (finally, I guess) for parking in the visitor's parking lot without a permit. My friend's permit is gone with another friend. Damn.

"Emotions are so tangible that you could build scaffolding with your feelings now. Avoiding serious commitments will allow you to let your imagination meander on its own. Keep in mind that even the most impractical thoughts can have very practical consequences. Exploration of your inner worlds will lead to outer rewards."

I will take that to heart. I'm tired of being sad and feeling lonely. It's time to work on me.

10,000 + CA update

~pandashekki — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 08:20:23 PDT

Wow, I finally hit 10,000 pageviews! But I think it was sometime yesterday or day before... I dunno, I haven't been paying a lot of attention recently; a lot has been going on!

I don't know what it is, but either someone is conspiring for me to not move here, or someone's really testing my patience. It's been one thing after another. Not only did it thunderstorm half of my drive out here, but the CA fires just happened to be conveniently timed with my arrival. At least now it's subsided and the area I'm in only gets the ashes.

And not too recently, I'm running into problems with my memory and whatnot. I've lost my credit card and wallet (separately) but have found both of them. I kept forgetting parts of my costume. And now I've lost my keys to my car, which i don't think I will find now. Hopefully my mother can send it ASAP!

And let's not forget love issues. Yeah... I'm in love, so what? I just have to be patient and helpful... that's all.

But overall I'm a tad depressed. Good thing I've made friends here, we've hung out a lot. Recently it's been just playing Smash Bros. Melee or Mario party 7 on the gamecube... but hey, everyone's having fun

Keep strong, keep faith, and keep fighting. I'll eventually make it happen.

To CA I go + New Series

~pandashekki — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 07:21:57 PDT

Today (in a few minutes) I leave for California after I pick up my uncle, which is the other way. Great. But hey, I'm excited cuz I know he drives fast and he used to go to CA like twice a year, apparently. Whee.

He talks a lot tho. Mom says to just put on my headphones and pretend I'm asleep. But when I drive, I should turn up the music. And he has broken english, and I have broken Lao, so that doesn't make for comfortable conversation anyway.

NEW SERIES!!

CAMERA PHONE SERIES

This series is to test my creativity with the limitations of a proper tool. These cell phone pics are not edited (and if they are, it's just for cropping and maybe slight levels or color) and it will get me back to the roots of "traditional art" where I really do pay attention to my canvas... composition, color, pattern, design, etc...

Let me know what you think

CIAO! I hope to see you every now and then on the road.

finally... 9000... and update

~pandashekki — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 13:16:25 PDT

Whee so I've finally moved everything out of ATL. It's sad, really, I cried for days.

But now I'm in Nashville resting up a bit with the family until Wednesday, which is when I plan to embark on my journey to LA. I'm scared, so scared... that I will die in TX. Why TX? Cuz when you die in TX... no one can hear you. And I hear that illegal mexicans will rob my car. I doubt that, Mexi's have always liked me. Hell my friends even called me "homosexican"

Currently I'm with my littlest sister at Nashville's first and newest bubble tea shoppe... it's quite cozy in here, but small. The table I'm on I'm sharing with my sis and our lappy's barely fit!

Anyway... what are you doing for Halloween? Any ideas for me??

finally... 8000...

~pandashekki — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 00:09:24 PDT

Btw, Beverly area in Los Angeles is way too fun. Riding in a topless convertible flying down the freeways with loud music is way too fun. Japanese yogurt ice cream with kiwi, strawberries, and yogurt chips are way too fun. Shopping at Beverly Center is way too fun.

I love LA.

awaiting confirmation

~pandashekki — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 10:59:56 PDT

"Although your day might begin gracefully, the Moon is stressed by realistic Saturn, making you less likely to escape into your dreams, even if they are quite tempting. Nevertheless, your emotions need to be taken seriously, so don't try to bury them. "Out of sight" does not mean "out of mind." Find a healthy way to express your feelings so you don't do something you could later regret."

Out of sight, out of mind... I just heard that line in that one Kelly Clarkson song yesterday... but I forgot the title... Anyway, I always do things I regret later... but I'm getting used to them now and learning to deal, buahaha

Anyway, I'm still here in CA and still waiting to hear back from key people in order to get some damned interviews locked in and also get a job lined up.

I had a photoshoot yesterday in Santa Ana. Sonny is teh awsm. We were shooting each other, lol.

Canceled the one tomorrow due to scheduling conflicts. May pick up one if I cannot get an interview scheduled.

Losing money and patience every day...

Ciao!

I just can't stop
you're dangerous
I'm in awe
you're marvellous
I'm a fool for your wickedness
I think you're really working it
you're cool
and I'm getting myself in trouble

missing information

~pandashekki — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 06:19:36 PDT

"It's time for you to be a detective, for there may be an issue in your life that needs clarification. Oftentimes you can feel your way through a situation, but now you might be missing information that can make a difference. Keep a little distance from your emotions while you put the clues together into a sensible order."
--
Hmn, last time I played detective, not only did it put a strain on one of my most important relations, I felt like a dirty bastard. Maybe this time they meant with pristine intentions.

So I'm now stuck at the airport for another 2 hours. I missed my flight check-in by 10 min. TEN MINUTES! Sighs. Oh well, that's what I get for taking my time and thinking meeting the bare minimum is enough in this godforesaken city. Ok, it's not that bad. I really am going to miss [sic] Atlanta. But I know I'll miss the people more.

I lucked out this trip. I ran out of money, and was terribly afraid my dad's money wouldn't wire in time. But a friend of mine decided to spot me and I picked up one last odd job before my trip. BUT $50 quickly went away when I had to change my flight.

So is life.

I got into your black limousine
I don't care much for the money, but you spend it on me
in the back of your black limousine
I got the time for a little bit of luxury
when you're paying for my company, babe

Life Update

~pandashekki — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 21:30:41 PDT

I'm kind of going back in time with submitting deviations... revisiting past photoshoots, editing a few other ones, and posting them, along with older modeling pictures I've taken. I'm not being narcissistic putting those up... just making sure I keep up with my momentum since I'm still not where I want to be [yet] with watches and pageviews and stuff

I'm uploading all these old stuff until I am able to shoot again... I've already graduated, so school's out of the question, but I'm working tons more and now in 8 hours I will be boarding my plane to LA... where I will spend a few days trying to get things together and ready for my permanent move in a few weeks! yay!

I will be starting a new self portrait series soon (the theme is a big surprise), and a new "still life" series. I know most of you voted artistic male nudes and M2M for what you want to see next... but that's going to have to wait til I'm more settled and able to *pay* to get some of these models... why pay? I want to be able to sell them too

But hey, maybe I will get to do another one next week. I've still got more pics from that first artistic nude shot I did a while back, and I may have another shoot as a tog and/or model while I'm in LA this week.

Btw... I'm so broke, I can't afford free lemonade. I'm so broke, I gotta put Jolly Ranchers on layaway.

Ok, not really, but seriously, I have 0 money. One day!! I will triumph!!

I'm Juicy

~pandashekki — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 21:06:08 PDT

[link]

I'm a hot commodity. Ok, not really, but once again I was approached by another store while working who wants to steal me away and hire me.

This time, the company is Juicy Couture (see link above).

And I wasn't even really in my mood today. I was zoned at the front of the store, which basically my responsibilities are not just cleaning the front of the store, but also making sure nobody steals anything (last week a few stacks of cami's and sweaters were swiped from the store ) and handing out in-store coupons for customers that came in.

It was nearing closing time so my speech to each customer became mundane, emotionless, and quick. "Hi, take our in-store coupon for the day" and that's it. But this one woman came back around and asked if I liked my job, and that she really liked how I worked. Huh? Apparently she's in town training the new managers at the new store across the street at the other (higher-end but less trafficked) mall and she wants me to work with them. If she liked me when my mood is in down-time, she'll be thrilled to know how hard of a worker I am. Hah.

Oops! I'm moving to LA soon. And I kind of do like Express.

But wait, they have stores in LA too! And they are looking for new managers and/or full time associates!

Hmn, she said she'll give me a call. Maybe I'll swing by tomorrow at the new store and see her. That's probably why she was out... looking for new employees for their store.

Anytime I'm approached for an opportunity like this... even though I don't care too much for retail... why not pursue it? I have no idea where it'll take me, and right now, a little bit of spontaneity is better than stressing out about what I'm going to do for the future.

Btw, she also said the pay's really good. We'll see about that.

Cancer's Horoscope for the day

~pandashekki — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 07:32:02 PDT

I'm not sure how many of you even agree with Zodiac and astrology and all, but I'm an avid horoscope follower. There is a lot of common thread between signs and I've seen a lot similarity in cases and theories surrounding them. But, I'm not here to preach.

I'm a Cancer, rising Scorpio, with the moon in Sagittarius. What does that mean? I'm fucked up basically. LOL! But really, I'm very emotional and passionate, almost too a point where it is self-destructive and dangerous for others involved. I hold onto things far longer than need be, and as I do hold onto them, with my claws I'm hurting it and myself. I've been an emotional wreck, but recently I've been learning to lessen the intensity of my grip, but the poison still leeks.

With my moon in Sag, I'm self-conflicting. I'm trying to find reasoning in all I do, but I end up being pulled by my passionate and emotional side. There's a logical side of me that wants to reign, but it's not possible. I'm very heart-driven and want to live for the passion. But yet there's a slight part of me that's telling me that this isn't the best route for me to take. Or if it is, I will try to find reasons for being that way. I try to find reasons for not only my passionate decisions, but also the other side of it, too. Leading me to be as difficult as I am.

Anyway, I read my daily horoscopes for Cancer from Tarot.com and I must say, it's eerily and dangerously resembling a lot of my current happenings. Here's today...

"You have stewed in your own juices long enough. You must act on what you already know, even if you cannot yet admit it to yourself. It may not be easy, but your deepest concerns need to be integrated into the current situation. Don't reject what doesn't fit in. Make certain that your actions are true to yourself."

Being so close to graduating, I have tried to lay some things to rest, if not just try to avoid some things, in order to graduate on time. Now that I've graduated, I have a whole lot more time to concentrate on my feelings and emotions. Like a tsunami, it waved over me, and now I'm feeling sort of confused... again. But at the same time, I'm at a newer point in my life, where whatever it is I decide I do, I have very little to lose. In a way, it's scary to venture on into newer territories, but I'm excited and ready.

I have only a few weeks to prepare for my permanent move to LA. I have forever to find that person who will love me. I have a few weeks to shake off the unnecessary things, to burn my bridges, or at least put up a barrier so the other person(s) cannot come through. Say my apologies, try to forgive, and move on to a newer life.

Btw, I think I've transferred my emotional blogging to dA. Even though I do not know you guys, you all seem to care a lot anyway, so I don't feel like I'm writing into oblivion. Hah. Anyway, I have to get ready for work, ciao!!

officially...

~pandashekki — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 16:17:07 PDT

gradumacated today...

no more undergrad life for me

finally... 7000...

~pandashekki — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 20:42:50 PDT

w00t

but this time, it took 13 days, as opposed to 10, which before that was 9

:scheming:

sighs, i just woke up and i've got 9 hours to complete the rest of my portfolio. website, media plans, ad printouts...

offically subscribed!

~pandashekki — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 23:21:17 PDT

Whee! This is SO fun! How could I EVER go back to not being subscribed??

120 thumbs/page??

Thumbnails on the watchlist!?!? <- what I enjoy the most! 'cept you don't get credited for a "view" unless you actually click on it...

Custom CSS?? Waiting for to provide one for me

Better printing options??

And tons more...

Wow... thanks

off today!!

~pandashekki — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 12:58:55 PDT

just wanted to say hi! slept 10 hours... yay!! 5 hours/day gets to you a bit

something to keep you entertained

[link]

bye!

this close is just close enough

~pandashekki — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 11:46:11 PDT

So I left portfolio class earlier today, 100x happier than I did before entering.

The day started out pretty well. Woke up on time, flat tire is not flat again on my car...

I get to class and my plan was to show my teacher my photography to see if he could figure another way to tie some of them into an advertising campaign (my field of study). I showed one of my classmates, and he noted that a lot of it is strong stand-alone anyway, he wouldn't want to mess it up. But I've still got to finish my ad portfolio!

My teacher comes in and I finally show him my images (after 8 weeks of telling him that my photography just won't fit) and as he was flipping thru my images... he was soooo astonished and surprised I've been shooting these not telling anyone. He said it's a great surprise, but he wished I had told him earlier. Well, I've only been shooting since March... ><

But he really wants me to use these photos in my portfolio for school. But for advertising?? He said I can just print them out individually and display them with the little I have for my advertising portion, because he said that even if I am going into Media and need mainly white papers type things, he wants me to display these photos (individually, without a campaign to tie them in), as it suggestive to the viewer that I do have creativity. Any hint of creativity in my portfolio is great, he says.

OMG!! So I actually can just print my images, stand-alone, as a gallery, for my advertising portfolio!?!? WHAAAAA!!! YAYYYYY!!! ZOMGWTFBBQ!!! That relieves SOOO much pressure on me from this week... I was thinking I had to recreate 4 campaigns and then do my photography separately... but I can combine them, losing a few advertising pieces... YESSSSS!!!!!!

nerd

~pandashekki — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 22:14:47 PDT

I'm such a stereotypical asian.

Yesterday I complained to my manager how much I worked. I actually stayed over 1.5 hours, but the time I complained, I was over 30 min.

He said "Well look at it this way. It's time and a half today, and you stayed for 30 min, it's like you worked for an hour!"

I said...

"Well actually, if it is time and a half, then working 30 minutes means I am only paid for 45 minutes. You see, half of 30 is 15, and added on it becomes 45. One hour would mean it was double time, not time and a half... you know... 50% more..."

Both managers just looked at me, at themselves... "Okay mister MATH here..."

-_-"

Well, if it's any consolation, I did go to GA Tech as an engineer for two years...

finally... 6000...

~pandashekki — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 20:43:42 PDT

Ok, this is a day late, but YAY!!!!

Ok, this time it was 10 days as opposed to only 9 that it took last time!! I'm losing momentum! I think it's because I played that tagging game and i tagged lots of people and a lot of them have lots of followers (that's a lot of lots...) so they must've clicked through to me. Maybe I should get "tagged" again... :hint hint:

Ok I won't bore you with mundane details this time. But I is happy lah. !!

Btw, I've been working like crazy at work (Express, retail store). I stayed til 4am wednesday morning because corporate was coming to spec the store... and I had to refold and reorganize the whole denim room!! And today... goodness it was WAY too busy. Mainly because it was Gay Black Pride this weekend in la ATL. At least I got hit on a lot...

Alright, time to go watch superbad...

No Easy Love

~pandashekki — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:26:05 PDT

Ok, this song isn't on youtube, so I have no way of showing you this song. It is so cute and it means a lot to me! The beat is so flippin' catchy... gr, maybe I will upload the song myself on youtube and share it with you eventually.

Here it is!

*****

There is no easy love
the one I'm thinking of
I miss you every day
Please just stay around
you are my beat, my sound
my light, my destiny

You rang the door one of a Sunday morning
said that I was always on your mind
smiled and said it's meaningless without me
girl, you're really one of a kind

There was never anyone
until you just came around
so afraid to be abandoned
can't afford to lose again

There is no easy love
the one I'm thinking of
I miss you night and day
Please just stay around
you are my beat, my sound
my light, my destiny

All I want to do
is to be with you
have some fun with you, yeah

Tired of the past
it was not a blast
I don't want to do the same mistake again

I called you up to say that I am sorry
for all the things I said and I had done
you told me to relax and not to worry
you said to me that I was the one

I had been working day and night
try to forget your smile so bright
didn't know what I should do
so afraid to choose again

The foolish things we do
we wish for something new
like me when I had you
It doesn't matter to me
whatever you choose to be
my great velocity

Would you talk to me?
come along with me
curiosity, yeah

Would you talk to me?
come along with me
leave the past and now this time you'll see (won't you see?)

There is no easy love (easy love)
the one I'm thinking of (thinking of)
I miss you everyday (everyday)
(no no easy love)
If you call this romance (this romance)
I haven't got a chance (ain't got a chance)
you're my destiny (destiny)
(my great velocity)

It can't be avoided...

~pandashekki — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 22:09:44 PDT

I suppose it can't be helped. With a rise in popularity, you encounter a lot of negativity. There are people that love you... and then there are those that see nothing special about you.

A tog friend of mine, and this dude got their big break, and both respectively are talented. Yeah I may not agree with some of 's art as artistically sound, but hey... people like it so there it is. Both have encountered lots of people who want to challenge their thought on it... and it sucks.

Luckily, I have yet to receive a post or message describing how untalented I am and how I don't deserve the popularity that I have (granted I don't have that much), but I know one day I am going to encounter someone who just doesn't like what I do. And it's okay, I don't care. You can't please everyone. I'll just shrug it off and continue pleasing the people that matter... you all.

Anyway, enough of that. Time for positivity!! [link] by ENJOY!

Goodbye Tre...

~pandashekki — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 22:03:54 PDT

OMGWTF Tre just went home!? And even more surprising... Sara WON!? What an episode!!

If anyone watches Top Chef, you'd know what I am talking about... Tre was expected to stay til at least the top 4... and Sara... what the hell happened? All of the sudden she just kicked ass? The whole competition she sort of laxed her way through the whole series...

The last episode pissed me off... and right now I'm really happy at the turnout of the episode, except for the whole Tre going home thing... that's a bit depressing. He was definitely one of the stronger chefs... too bad he couldn't lead his team... CJ should've went home. He's the weaker chef and he's the one who created this team... grr.

I think it was funny how Tre's team was supposed to be, like Dale said, the Dream Team, and Dale's team was supposed to be the team that went under. Totally proved them wrong!

But MANNNN that quickfire challenge was flippin' awesome!! Sara and Hung were really quick! It's about time Hung's speedy madness got him somewhere...

finally... 5000... + "emeemo"

~pandashekki — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 14:22:40 PDT

WOW, only 9 days and I've reached another 1000 pageviews. You guys are AMAZING... it makes me cry... literally.

---

9 days for 1000 (previously 20 days [OMG!!])

pandashekki has 5,033 pageviews total and his 172 deviations were viewed 11,300 times. He watches 82 people, while 93 people watch him (27% increase).

Overall, his deviations received 653 comments (28% increase) and were added to deviants' favourites 541 times (31% increase), while he commented 1,121 times, making about 1.3 comments per day since he joined DA. This means that he gave 17 comments for every 10 that he received.

His deviation with the most comments is Rapture with 25 comments, receiving an average of 1.78 per day in the first 2 weeks, and it is also his most favourited, with 33 favourites, averaging 2.35 per day in the first 2 weeks. His most viewed deviation is The Following with 384 views (aw, this model's abs beat out my [link] )

8 favourites were given for every 10 comments.

Every 5 days he uploads a new deviation, and it's usually on a Monday, with 32 (19%) of his deviations.

His busiest month was March 2007 with 33 (19%) of his deviations.

The majority of his deviations are uploaded to the Photography gallery (152), while his favourite category was People & Portraits > Fashion Portraits with 45 deviations.

Comments per deviation: 3.79
Favourites per deviation: 3.14
Views per deviation: 65.69
Comments per day: 0.75
Favourites per day: 0.62
Views per day: 13.12
Pageviews per day: 5.84

One thing I have to note is that when I actually joined dA, there's a long period which I didn't upload anything. Thus my average is low because I was stupid and didn't do any postings

---

Dedication to

I met this girl, Emily, through a website called ModelMayhem, which is kind of like a MySpace for fashion togs, models, make up artists, hair, etc... Thru there we became "shoutbox" friends and our online relationship spurred into an enamourus bond, to deviantArt. A wonderful artiste at heart, we often shared ideas and criticisms for the other, not only in art, but also used each other as a venting arena for when we felt down.

Anyway, a well deserved and a long awaited DD came along her merry way, for :thumb62717879:
I just want to take this time to congratulate her and give her a slight bit more exposure, altho a DD pretty much ensured that for her Go Emily... and remember, "rocky loves emily, rocky loves emily..."

deviant duels

~pandashekki — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 21:29:11 PDT

Alright, so first round of and I'm up against this guy,

Ok, I should go ahead and just give up. First round and I'm already pitted against a really really good photog. GREAT!

Well, I'll just play anyway. Much luck to me... and to him, he dont need any

yay... a fun survey

~pandashekki — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 21:42:38 PDT

thanks,

The Rules Of This Tagging Game:

The first person starts with the topic Âsix weird facts about yourselfÂ and people who get tagged must write in their journals about their six weird facts as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next six people to be tagged and list their names.

1. I've only been shooting for... 6 months now. But wait, some of you may notice I did some photography last year... well, that was for class and I never really picked the camera back up again. We only shot still life and technical stuff anyway... but all the new stuff I really just took all of what I learned and channeled it into "free" shoots. Not necessarily a weird fact, but a surprising fact when people ask how long I've been shooting models...

2. My first name, Rocky, is my real name. After the movie, Rocky II I believe was out when I was born. My middle name, Manu, is Indian, although my mom claimed to have borrowed it from a French book she read for school long ago. My last name, Khamken, was made up by my paternal grandfather when they fled to the states, Khamken in Lao means "gift of gold." My name is so unique.

3. I have to agree with here... I LOVE it when people play with my hair. It's the ultimate de-stressor, the best meditative cure... and the best foreplay action

4. I'm a sucker for nice thighs... 'nuff said.

5. Because my heart has been played with multiple times and I have done my share of playing myself, and because I have lost a few close friends due to just suffocation of each other's personal areas, I don't keep my best friends too close, but I like to keep my lover too close. Weird how that flips.

6. I'm an Asian, born in AL, raised in TN, and currently resides in GA. So... I am southeast Asian.

alright, I tag:

but33
moraytafix
jaicca
emeemo
davidkawena
mdlengnr83

ok altho i can only tag 6, i'm interested also in the following

mistor-val
mi-san
e-volve-e
whazel
sauter
coma7053

Which for now, makes me happy

p.s. HE BETTER HAVE TAKEN IT! It was some damn TIFFANY'S! Shiiiyt.

muy importante

~pandashekki — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 23:19:50 PDT

So someone very special to me is coming to see me tomorrow (rather, today considering it's past 2am right now).

And we've gone through a whole lotta bullsh!t recently.

And I am going to ask a very important question.

Wish me luck.

:(

~pandashekki — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 07:45:00 PDT

i'm sick

my throat hurts and i have to work today. i need the $$

finally... 3000...

~pandashekki — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 07:21:30 PDT

whee now I've reached 3000 page views! I'm going to mark every 1000 views now and just get an update on my gallery stats. One day I'll figure out the stats behind it... teehee.

But grr... I'm not where I want to be just yet. There are two things I need to do: 1_ create better images. and 2_ be more involved with the community (obviously that includes a lot of different tasks...)

--

25 days for 1000 views.

pandashekki has 3,002 pageviews total and his 151 deviations were viewed 6,234 times. He watches 58 people, while 52 people watch him. (+8 people I watch, +17 people watch me, 49% increase in people who watch me, to 16% increase in people I watch).

Overall, his deviations received 361 comments and were added to deviants' favourites 253 times, while he commented 643 times, making about 0.77 comments per day since he joined DA. This means that he gave 18 comments for every 10 that he received.

His deviation with the most comments is Rapture with 18 comments (previously Triadic Color Study), receiving an average of 1.28 per day in the first 2 weeks, and it is also his most favourited, with 14 favourites (previously I Hate Lighting), averaging 1 per day in the first 2 weeks. His most viewed deviation is My first dAID... with 229 views (previously Triadic Color Study). *Note: I think people like seeing my crotch.*

7 favourites were given for every 10 comments. (+1 increase)

Every 5.5 days he uploads a new deviation, and it's usually on a Monday, with 27 (18%) of his deviations. (.2 day decrease in uploads)

His busiest month was March 2007 with 40 (26%) of his deviations.

The majority of his deviations are uploaded to the Photography gallery (131), while his favourite category was People & Portraits > Self-Portraits with 33 deviations.

Comments per deviation: 2.39 (24% increase)
Favourites per deviation: 1.67 (37% increase)
Views per deviation: 41.28 (29% increase)
Comments per day: 0.43 (30% increase)
Favourites per day: 0.3 (43% increase)
Views per day: 7.49 (34% increase)
Pageviews per day: 3.6 (45% increase)

uhm...

~pandashekki — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 16:38:02 PDT

y'all know it's my birthday, right? 23yo. and YOUNG!!

finally... 2000...

~pandashekki — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 00:14:15 PDT

ok so while everyone's celebrating their 4000 views (already 3 of my friends just did this past week) i just reached 2000. ive been on here longer than i thought and just now reached 2000. but i guess that would have to be attributed to the fact that i was not updating for about half that time... seriously!

anyway... 2000 i am happy with for now

"pandashekki has 2,004 pageviews total and his 140 deviations were viewed 4,497 times. He watches 50 people, while 35 people watch him.

Overall, his deviations received 270 comments and were added to deviants' favourites 171 times, while he commented 491 times, making about 0.6 comments per day since he joined DA. This means that he gave 18 comments for every 10 that he received.

His deviation with the most comments is Triadic Color Study with 10 comments, receiving an average of 0.71 per day in the first 2 weeks, while his most favourited one is I Hate Lighting, with 9 favourites, averaging 0.35 per day in the first 2 weeks. His most viewed deviation is Triadic Color Study with 148 views.

6 favourites were given for every 10 comments.

Every 5.7 days he uploads a new deviation, and it's usually on a Monday, with 25 (18%) of his deviations.

His busiest month was March 2007 with 40 (29%) of his deviations.

The majority of his deviations are uploaded to the Photography gallery (121), while his favourite category was People & Portraits > Self-Portraits with 29 deviations.

Comments per deviation: 1.92
Favourites per deviation: 1.22
Views per deviation: 32.12
Comments per day: 0.33
Favourites per day: 0.21
Views per day: 5.58
Pageviews per day: 2.48
"

...content?

~pandashekki — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 11:11:48 PDT

At Newport Beach yesterday here in the lovely Orange County of California, the wind gushed over me, gave me a sense of euphoria for that moment, as slight and short as it was.

WAS I content? Did I finally reach contentment... something that I thought was lost for such a long time? Or was it that it was just a pause between all the stressors and worries in my life? Was it just because that a relationship I have been fighting for over 9 months was finally gaining ground and gaining momentum postively, that I was away from Atlanta forced to forget everything that was going on there, or is it that I am reading the new Paulo Coelho book, who never ceases to make me feel happy to just simply breathe in life?

Whatever it was, I hope it continues to be carried thru the winds, traveling through all the strands in my hair, and hitting all the correct spots of my skin...

update

~pandashekki — Mon, 28 May 2007 20:41:58 PDT

I've been really busy, shooting, modeling, schooling, working, etc. A lot of changes in life since I last wrote, but nothing anyone really cares to hear. We are here for the art, right?

I need more inspiration. I feel like I've run out of creative juices. I am buying magazines and I'm trying to be more receptive to my environment... but I feel like I'm at a creative block. Sighs.

PSD problems: met a photog today whose psd skills are off da chain. makes me want to just watch her edit the pics... oh wait, i did. she uses lots of stuff that i never thought of using. maybe i need to start experimenting more.

enough

~pandashekki — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 06:46:51 PDT

Ok, I'm tired of my stagnant emotions, it's time to start doing something about it.

It's a bittersweet feeling right now knowing I'll be in LA/OC area in a few days.

I hope you enjoyed the new series, I got another photo shoot coming soon!

nostalgia

~pandashekki — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 20:38:20 PDT

when i saw that andrew uploaded his pics from c-cove, it made me become nostalgic, thinking about how life used to be so great. so instead of doing real work, i got lazy and decided to upload mine... further continuing that sense of nostalgia.

one day... we'll see.

Elated! Down! Elated Again!

~pandashekki — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 20:20:13 PDT

What a day. Emotional rollercoaster to say the very least. Luckily I come home and I have another feature on one of my works! ^^ Yay, I've never felt so special! erikthomas was first to feature me, using Wait and Wake

And then another surprise feature using Green Box Confession, by GoranDA and also at this news article.

Thanks for making my day, guys!

That's it! Sorry!!

~pandashekki — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 12:14:21 PDT

Ok, that was a lot in the Red wall series, ne? Longest study I've done, but I felt that it was my strongest. PLEASE leave comments and let me know something!

btw- I won't clutter your devwatch inbox with the same of the series now! it's done!

Ok, little detour

~pandashekki — Sat, 24 Mar 2007 19:01:25 PDT

Okay so I getting a bit discouraged from the strange series, because I stuck myself into only taking pics that were already set up. So I went back to some more experimentation with lights, color, and composition with more self-portraits. Trust me, I'm not conceited one bit! Eventually I'm going to get one of my friends to model for me so I can really concentrate on the whole thing. Enjoy the new red wall series! I've got a few more to put up... but at a later time... don't want to litter everyone's devWatch sections...

The Strange Series

~pandashekki — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 09:43:26 PDT

Okay, so I'm going to be proactive and actually do something with myself. I'm going to start a "learning" series, which means I won't have to be so distraught and stressed out while taking pictures... it's all a learning process! Critiques especially appreciated.

out of commission

~pandashekki — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 19:05:24 PDT

so the alpha series didnt work out. may start it later

a lot of things have been going on in life

found out a lot of things

here goes my blue period

might be going to LA april 19th for the advertising career fair. so far, thats the only thing i have to look forward to. got a friend there for crashin', now need to book tickets and car and such...

Alphabet Series

~pandashekki — Thu, 28 Jul 2005 08:05:54 PDT

I'm jump starting a new series for myself called the alphabet series. I saw someone on DA do this for a class, and I think it's good for me as motivation to do more and to learn more. This is a learning series for myself so I can teach myself and learn new and advanced techniques as I go. First up, is D: Demon of the Hand. Take a look at it and feel free to make strong comments!

yuck.

~pandashekki — Wed, 20 Jul 2005 09:25:21 PDT

Ack. I just ate a celery which had a nasty/funny after taste to it. I think it's old.

ahh.

~pandashekki — Mon, 06 Jun 2005 11:53:59 PDT

so, a one day layover with postings to the gallery. understood.

Huh?

~pandashekki — Sun, 05 Jun 2005 16:21:22 PDT

Anyone have an idea why I uploaded so many images, and that some people can see them (because I received comments and whatnot on them), but I can't view them?? It's as if the site didn't load any of them on the server.

Newbie!

~pandashekki — Tue, 12 Apr 2005 06:47:22 PDT

Sorry I only have one artwork up, but I didn't realize it took so long to do one. Anyway, not like you care. I'll be posting again.