http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:piscian18&section=today deviantART RSS for by:piscian18 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 16 Dec 2009 13:31:46 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/19747732/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/19747732/ Sun, 03 Aug 2008 06:36:06 PDT
]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/18090531/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/18090531/ Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:37:36 PDT
]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/15900029/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/15900029/ Wed, 12 Dec 2007 07:36:55 PST

I just broke up with a girl I'm not even dating today. I don't think I can go a day with regretting something.

New stuff coming soon...

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/15358205/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/15358205/ Sun, 04 Nov 2007 08:17:11 PST

I'm doing absolutely nothing. I drew a suicidal robot yesterday I was very pleased with if that gives you any indication of my mood.

I don't know. Just can't get into anything. I almost shattered my elbow skateboarding the other day. Ironically it was in the house and in between rounds of counter-strike. I was gonna quit playing cs but when I try to do anything else I just get depressed. It helps take my mind off Emma when she's not around. I took a step back from her. Right now despite the fact that I love her and she loves me, we are more or less just friends. It's the only way I can deal with her being with someone else. It would be easier if I didn't feel so damned alone. She told me she got a creepy text from someone she barely knows saying he "missed her". When I do that I get completely different and positive reaction, but am I so different from him? Who knows? I don't want to worry about it or anything else involving Emma anymore so I'm doing what she asked in the first place and dropping the whole mess. Will February change things? I can't honestly say but it would mean the world to me if things go at least as initially planed. *That part is directed at you hamster turd.*

Enough of that.

I have several things on my life "to do" list.

1. Renovate my house. I need to get this SOB sold. I don't care how much it will be worth if I hold onto it. You can imagine what a misery it is to have to worry about it all the time.

2. School. School. School. That's what really makes me happy. When you get my age you realize that love is a part of life but it's not the most important thing. Some people never realize it but doing what makes you happy is the goal in life. Sometimes love comes along for the ride and sometimes it doesn't. I'm gonna try and start school in the spring. I'll enroll in sort of journalism that allows me to travel because I have trouble sitting in one spot for more than a few minutes.

3. Walk away from a car wreck just before it explodes. I'm planning that one soon. If I gain super powers from it that would be cool too.

Damn I had some dreams I wanted to talk about but maybe that can wait.

My dreams = [link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/15072397/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/15072397/ Mon, 15 Oct 2007 12:03:51 PDT
I went belgium with the intent of just trying to be a friend, but by the time I got to the arrivals part of the airport she was sending me dirty texts. Frankly I was alittle disgusted. I mean I thought we were better than this?

I didn't even see her coming. She is kinda small though. she jumped me from behind and was tearing off my shirt before I could even say hi. In my head I screamed " NO NO!" She punched me in the face and started tonguing me. ....

Ok, that's mean. I could so go places with this. I'm at work too so I'll stop now.

ok one more. I totally had my hands in....no no stopping now.

Trip was good. Emmas loves me enough and is infact bothering me as I type so I'll do details later. here's a video I made.

[link]

P.S.

WE ALSO HAD BUTTSECKS!

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14928461/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14928461/ Fri, 05 Oct 2007 14:52:50 PDT
So now what ? be a dick to make up for being so gushy the last couple days? Seriously, you're not being fair. Shoulda just blew me off and said you weren't into me when I got off the bus. Would have made the whole trip so much simpler if quite abit more emo. Now...argh fucking emma!!!

OMGSM how fuck am I gonna get through this weekend. /wrists.

stares at phone waiting for text reply..............................................................................
.....................................................................................
........................................................ !!!

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14685273/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14685273/ Tue, 18 Sep 2007 09:34:11 PDT

No, I'm not dead. I'm working alot. I'm working on my house. I'm playing a ridiculous amount of counter-strike. If you look on the stats page of [link] I've played 46 hours this week and have 1669 kills with the p-90 alone.

Yes I know I'm that boring.


1669 kills with one weapon. Time played 72 hours in 18 days. Ironically that's nothing compared to how much time some people spend on mmorpg's.

I've gotten so obsessed since emmo went on vacation that I even started re-skinning the guns and models cause I'm bored without her. I'm hanging around [link] and [link]

I'm going to see her in oct/nov, not sure yet. I'm expecting complete rejection so I scheduled a trip to Amsterdam while I'm there just in case. I'm trying to be more optimistic.

Only new art I did was a little drawing I did of her in cs:s. maybe I'll post it later.

Still no where near completing ccna. Sigh, honestly its a self confidence thing, not getting into it.

I think you mainly just wanted an update. Yes every things good I think. I went to go see "balls of fury" with my grandma at her request. I recently got too drunk and ended up lost in another state(if you're in belgium imagine getting lost in germany while drunk), also my first kiss was while playing virtua fighter II but, that's a story for another time.

PS

I must admit there is one difference between us. I will never love life as much as I love the people in it. You'll have to learn to live with that if you want me.

also [link]

Love
nate

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14155403/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14155403/ Mon, 13 Aug 2007 19:56:07 PDT
I realized today the closest thing I had to a real honest relationship with another person was on the internet. How pathetic is that? Worse yet it was empty and fake. I had forgotten if you called someone your best friend it requires them to feel the same way for it to mean anything. You can't always remember to lie to yourself everyday.

Anyway, I need to start moving more of my time to real life. I know some people are perfectly happy with having a hundred internet friends and no real friends because their time is justified in some manner but, I only had one and in my heart I spent more time waiting for them to come online than I did talking to them or anything else.

I wish I wasn't crazy, I'm sorry, bye.

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14137724/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14137724/ Sun, 12 Aug 2007 18:23:54 PDT
facing your front door
the one you hide behind
your fight with bedroom eyes
well i proudly wear mine
the entrance that i make
will fall so short of grand
a hopeful knock sounds tired
before my hopeful plans
you put your hand in mine
it fits so perfectly
your whispers between kisses
show me all that i could be

please make me not so crazy
make me fall apart
make me think beautiful unexpected thoughts
i should mean more

i trace every curve
on your precious face
and pray some day you'll beg me
to beg you run away

please make me not so crazy
make me fall apart
make me think beautiful unexpected thoughts
i should mean more

i should mean more
i should mean more
i should mean more

[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14117422/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14117422/ Sat, 11 Aug 2007 09:55:20 PDT :


"Its hard to deal when all you do is feel"

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14057239/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14057239/ Tue, 07 Aug 2007 09:50:41 PDT
Point is... Unless you're serious about suicide man you've got 40+ years left of blue sky and muddy puddles to get through. You might as well say "fuck it" and enjoy it. Do what you wanna do. Be gay and stupid but, make sure you throw a blanket down first. I've lost everyone I've ever loved twice over. I've been duped, ripped off, and beaten til I spit teeth. I've OD by accident and on purpose. I've got more than one girl's initials carved into my skin. I don't think there's anything I've ever tried to do that someone hasn't told me I can't. Despite all this I am perhaps the happiest I've ever been. The only thing I did was to stop focusing on the negatives and what I perceived as impassable boundaries.

I fucking hate being lectured more than anything else.

I've been listening to alot of alien ant farm this week. My favorite song is Happy death day.
I've decided what superhero I would be. Not who I'd want to be but, I would imagine myself as. [link] Ferro Lad is as positive a role model as I can find. I think I may do my first fan art because I want a ferro lad t-shirt. have a nice day, I have to get back to class.

Artist: Alien ant farm
Song: Happy Death Day
Album: ANThology


I slowly shoot these words like weapons
And go insane
I watch you drive your stupid car
You go away
You never were one to use caution
And you don't obey
You know I'd love to see it happen
I always tried to keep you near me
Without the pain
I love to tie us into knots
We slipped away
I tried to captivate you, on that evening
He was leaving, with the girl I'd like to kill

(chorus)
Happy Death day to you baby
I know you're flying in the blue now
We'll be together real soon now baby, don't you worry
Papa's got a brand new body bag for you

Cable cars run through my mind
Reminiscent Bay
I think I'd love a valentine
I wish you'd stay
You never were one to use caution
It slipped away
I somehow knew this would happen

(chorus)

And I got a fresh new kind of attitude
I slowly shoot these words like weapons
And go insane
I watch you drive your stupid car
You go away
You never were... You never were...
You know I'd love to see it happen

(chorus 2x)

And he ain't ever ever coming back to you

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14015194/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/14015194/ Sat, 04 Aug 2007 12:52:48 PDT ---------------------
Is rich
has job
has a big house
has car
Is funny
has "beautiful eye lashes"(don't ask)
is not painful to look at
music collection close to 500gig's
Can draw
eats healthy
responsible/reliable
is smart(sort of)
Is good at counter-strike
has tons of video-games
big TV
Is critical but, accepts everyone.
Has lots of toys
knows every mainstream superhero, info, and powers by heart.

Cons
----------------------
Is a crybaby
Has a love handle
needs to be touched but, will yell at you if you touch him.
Secretive
car smells moldy
house is messy
skateboards in the house
Has self-esteem/image issues
girly but, dickish
Wants to be superman
clumsy
Criminal background
Isn't very attractive
draws stupid things
has parent issues
Has lots of toys and comics
Plays alot of counter-strike
knows every mainstream superhero, info, and powers by heart.

I'm trying to weigh myself. That's all I can think of. So far I'm like a pet rock. looks nice on your desk but, isn't anything you really have to have.

I can't stop listening to this song. I'm on listen #119
[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13975566/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13975566/ Wed, 01 Aug 2007 18:16:23 PDT I was ready for anything
who was this shell who covered me

tumbling into streams
splashing all around and around
ugly was just a thing

beautiful baby water bird
built with gills on her feet
stepping in the feceees
always coming clean

without her could yooou stiilll breath?

It's about remembering
the person who holds your ground
when you're lost everything you thought you'd
fffffffound to be what is true

This is no joking matter
stop playing these games
if you could just sit still
and ask yourself

your armors made of glass
she's spining spining spining
oiling your gears
melting away their fears

finding you alone, she wonders through your soul

who is it
who is it
who is it
who is it
who is it

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13914298/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13914298/ Sat, 28 Jul 2007 13:01:51 PDT A lot of it is the routine. The 12-20 hours you spend awake and what you do with it daily.

If you hangout with at least one close friend a day and kiss at least one girl a week I suspect your outlook on life has got to be in the 80% percentile. Especially if you are a girl because that would be hot. I'm not saying everyone fits into this scheme but, I haven't met anyone who doesn't. I won't lie. My entire self image is based on what other people think of me. This is not who I am but, it is what I perceive my value to be. You can have all the toys in the world (I do.) but, if the majority of your time is spent alone in bed it seems likely that your value as a person is quite low. If you are however accomplishing something in your spare time I imagine it's not quite as bad but, I think it boils down to having foot and hand prints on other peoples lives.

I've been unusually gloomy lately. My reasons are petty and unimportant. This week has brought in part a possible resolution. I awoke the other day with squatters in my living room. I made *Angry hamster noises* at everyone and immediately stole someone's coke and the last slice of pizza. "What's cause of this ruckus?" I mumbled at Sean as he drew my attention to my enormous 57" HDTV which had of late become routine and uninteresting to me, I realized a playstation 3 had arrived at my house. Matt had bought one but, lacked a large TV or HD therefore my house was once again in season. I wanted to be angry about this I really did but, damn if I didn't enjoy having all these retards hangout. Maybe it wasn't for me but, it's just nice to have people to hang around. Matt had already made me a custom character and everything. Felt better than my freaking birthday.

My friends have abandoned me for the weekend. It wasn't their fault. I just took a vacation and just didn't have time for another one. They left me the Playstation 3 so I've been pretending that I'm studying but, I'm getting like 1 page done for every chapter I beat in Soul Caliber 3. You play css for so long you forget that videogames are pretty. I needed to talk to Sean about a voicemail issue but, while I was trying to explain something he and matt started singing some very gay song about loving me. I'm not gay. Seriously I have a hard drive dedicated to very straight porn infact I have remiko ta......nvm. Anyway that kind of thing still makes me feel good. I don't think there's anything better than being wanted.

Shout out to girls I think are hot.

[link]

[link]

[link]

And a couple retarded friends

[link]

[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13873484/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13873484/ Wed, 25 Jul 2007 11:58:59 PDT
I think I lost another friend today. It was my fault and I saw it coming. I wish I could pretend to not care but, this time it really stung. I'm trying to warn my friends now. When I get down it's down down. No emo woe is me I cut myself or any of that. If you can't cheer me up just leave me alone, it will blow over. I get mean. I say shit I don't mean. I'm trying really hard now. If I know I'm going into my mode I just immediantly get away from anyone I know because I'm either going to cry or start screaming senselessly. I'm so angry at everything and everyone. All I can think about is how worthless I am but, you know...give me a little peace, maybe some sleep, and I'm ok for alittle while. I decided that seeing someone is inescapable at this point. For instance I've been making everyone laugh all morning but, I'm on the edge of tears right now. I'm so tired and just generally fucked up. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be ok at work. This isn't making me feel any better I'm gonna stop now.

journal summary:

Did a new drawing last night I'm almost pleased with. This one is actually decent and I like it so maybe I can clean it up tonight. It's in my scraps for now. Found a really cool tutorial about perspective I hope that will help me. Seeing shrink tomorrow I think. If I pass my test soon I'm treating myself to a new tattoo. It's complicated but, it's essentially a giant snapping turtle covering my back. Making big effort to be nice to people. Going to the dive tonight maybe somebody will hit on me. That always makes my day even if they are fugly or gay. I'm ok with gays I'm just not so it does me no good.

Deep sigh...need soda... in love with Jessica from Coinslot.

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13820225/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13820225/ Sat, 21 Jul 2007 11:38:45 PDT

I went to a birthday party for my niece Mena. Things went reasonably at first. I saw my family in adrian michigan for the first time since I was pequeño niño. This part of my family is spanish. Per Carlos, mexican immigrants migrate to adrian for farm work and head back to Mexico in the winter. Some option to stay when they find regular work. Adrian eventually became largely hispanic. I'm not sure why my mom s' family lived there but, I know they were wild and they fit right in. So now I have mexican cousins, uncles, aunts etc. I had a pretty good time. With this kind of family everybody is a brother or sister. I felt more at home with them than my own relatives. Had a few beers and food. Unfortunately we didn't stop there. We went to another cousins house and started drinking tequila. By maybe 2 am I was part hungarian and part irish. I was mainly made of tequila, beer, pot, pizza, candy bars. I didn't make it to the bathroom in time. In fact I puked in a cup right there at the table. Then on the table, Then on my myself, Carlos, Well you see where this is going. Felt pretty good after that. I have two choices day to day. Be insecure, talk quietly, and hope no one notices me or Be comfortable with myself and just be the disaster area that I am.

Bahhhh live and learn...Well not yet. I'm going to a party tonight and I'm expected to drink more than I did last night.

I've started making "Not to do" lists

1. No pot.
2. No cigarettes
3. No puking

Love you peace out

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13780171/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13780171/ Wed, 18 Jul 2007 09:48:48 PDT
The life of nate 7-18-07

Had to quit taking amphetamines. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, acted alittle too weird even for me. Spent like a week crying every 15 minutes. Paying morgan to clean my house in preparation of construction work. She annoys me lately. It's probably just me. Going to Carlos' this weekend. He wants to drink and party. Spent serious alone time with elizabeth. Not attracted to her but, I get this weird kindred spirit vibe. I wish she was my friend. Finally studying for CCNA have to put art on hold for awhile. My radiator exploded all over the front of my car. Pretty funny. Should be fixed today. My doctor referred me to a brain picking guy so I can get decent crazy people pills instead of using amphetamines to keep my moodswings in check. Worked out too much so now my hips hurt. I'm on a candy kick not sure why. Take5's are awesome. hmm that's it I think.

This is my favorite video. Sometimes I wonder which character in it represents me. Sometimes I think it's all of them.

[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13583093/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13583093/ Mon, 02 Jul 2007 19:40:21 PDT
Lame. I declare you all lamers. LAMERS! Like people who actually pay for music or people who listened to Michael Bolton. You're all too lame to have remembered him or the tragic final battle in which he was tossed into the fires of mount doom, taking Sir-mix-lot (Who was cool as shit.) with him.

BAAAH. I BAAAAAAAHHHH at you all. CAREFACE² +(2²x B) (B=meh).

I'm learning french. I just had an epiphany. See I'm an american and we have a habit of just making up words. Our genius is that we use the word constantly until it spreads so far that it becomes a common term thus gaining actual meaning. So if I take that theory to other languages while I'm globe trotting think of the havoc I could reek! I'm gonna invent "Facetard" in every language. Our common stupidity could bring all cultures closer together. Though I'm pretty certain this is a hell worthy trespass I think it will be worth it in the end.

There's no word in french for assbandit. Think of the possibilities...

*note - I have nothing against the french. I stayed in france for awhile and considered moving there. It's just an easy language to learn and try out my theories. My counterpart is moving to thailand in a few weeks and will be undertaking the research on this idea there. I'm uncertain as to how it will workout because Thai is actually pretty screwy anyway. They actually have a similar form of "tardspeak"(That's what I'm naming it) already in use there.

I'm ending it here because I've been awake for almost 72 hours. In summary: I hate you all, PM me or comment(realistic advise) or .. something, and I miss flavor pop's.

Panda Rep - "Piscian's closing statements were as follows.."

Piscian -

"I wish I was little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
and a '64 Impala

I wish
I wish
I wish
(low whisper) I wish"

Panda Rep - "Eye witnesses say Piscian walked off into the sunset but, not before tripping over his own feet and crashing into several garbage cans...."

The crowds dispersed, most with looks of utter confusion. ]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13470667/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13470667/ Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:46:15 PDT A knife in the back, felt it again. what did I do? was it so wrong?
I used to fit in, now I dont belong

I think somebody loved me once, I think somebody loved me once
I think somebody loved me once but I cannot remember why

My confidence is stuck in my throat when you lay blame Im your scapegoat
Ears burnin red, I heard what you said- you smile at my face but you wish I was dead

I think somebody loved me once, I think somebody loved me once
I think somebody loved me once but I cannot remember why

How can such an uplifting song be so sad?

[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13216873/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13216873/ Mon, 04 Jun 2007 15:19:09 PDT I added a deviant it's not done in fact it's probably garbage but, I haven't added anything in a while so I figured what the hey. enjoy. It's for a comic idea called "homeless robot".

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13044342/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/13044342/ Mon, 21 May 2007 21:28:55 PDT
Someone made a joke about my cp at work today. It wasn't at my expense. It was friend who really likes me and he was just talking about using my cp to fuck with a manager we hate. At first I laughed hard because it was pretty funny and it took me a second to realize what he meant. After that it really stung. The kind of pain you feel when you lose something important. When someone blurts "I don't love you anymore.". It wasn't his fault, it just reminded me how different I am. People tell me that it's not noticeable and no one can really tell but, things like that just confirm my fears.

I'm not one of those kids in the antidepressant commercials. I don't feel like the sky is falling or hate my parents. I like being alive. I love my friends and family. I just wonder sometimes if life just doesn't need me in it. Atleast I know what my super power would be.

I'd be invisible...

new scraps, who cares?

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12852398/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12852398/ Sat, 05 May 2007 13:11:23 PDT
So maybe I should reintroduce myself.

Hi, I'm nate. I'm lazy and crazy. I may not put up new artwork for weeks at a time or I may put up 5 in a day. I hate work of any kind. A perfect example is that my mailman complained to my friend sean this week because I'm too lazy to go to the door and check my mail. While writing this I'm thinking " This sucks I wanna watch youtube." The flip side is that I go on these crazy late night productive nate sprees where my roommates will wake up to find I've cleaned the whole house and painted a mural on the computer room wall. Sometimes it seems like I'll lay on the couch for days.

When I draw my style seems to change constantly. It mirrors how unbalanced I am. Sometimes it's retarded cartoons ( I can say retarded because technically I am.) and somedays I'm told my portraits are amazingly lifelike. I was in a serious relationship for about six years that was supposed to be it for me. Settle in with a shity job doing routing and application support, have kids who would hate me, and die. That didn't happen. Now I'm not really sure who I am or what to do with myself but, I remember wanting to be an artist when I was kid and so I've sort of used that as a support structure. I gave up trying to be happy in a place that reminds me of all the things I've thrown away so I'm moving to thailand with my friend sean in august.

Sean has a way of making me feel like shit so I'll try harder. For whatever reason I seem to latch on to people like that. I'm pathologically obsessed with others impressions of me and I have an easier time believing that people see me as a freakshow than anything worthwhile. So If someone likes hanging around me but, enjoys berating me it just feels more real I guess. He says he feels it's the only way to keep my god-complex in line. He doesn't realize I don't want to rule people, just save them.

I'm just rambling so I'll stop here. I'm adding a bunch of scraps. I don't like anything I've drawn lately.

"And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you’ve given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes
Now I leave the party early at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up I watch it as it sets
Yeah this is as good as it gets."

-Colin hay - Beautiful world.

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12506346/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12506346/ Sun, 08 Apr 2007 07:07:43 PDT
I went through this odd 5-12 step phase leading up to my birthday. Trying to figure out why I was still alive and why should I keep on going? Smoking, not smoking. Drinking, not drinking and so on. I guess when everything is said and done I just like people, and as long as there are people I'll be around.

So now that I feel like being alive what do I do with myself? btw I'm one of those shitty people who have lots of money and can do just about anything I want. Don't worry, I got the ultimate short end of the stick in life. I think maybe god felt guilty and said "Here have some money that'll fix ya right up." . Of course I stopped worshipping when I was 7. I believe in God I spose but, we made a deal and he broke it. Anyway, it's been decided that I do something with my life so here are my options.

1. Stay in Louisville and go to IU South. learn japanese and go live in japan in like 4-8 years I guess. Blah. (Mostly because all the cool girls are leaving louisville, why stay?)

2. Move back to Michigan. Work for Carlos doing "Design". go to school for Art and Japanese. Same senerio. Blah. I like Carlos but, it just isn't going to be a drastic change from what I do now. I officially hate technology.

3. Move to California and Go to Art school with my cousin sam. Maybe irritate him for a couple years. Could be fun. I have to get into the school first which means I need to work on a porfolio and ditch this mspaint obsession.

4. OK, this is weird. I've had like four people garrantee me if I move to S.Korea I've got a job and a place to stay but, what would I do there? Get another 9-5 doing...something? Chase korean girls? I'm starting wonder what the pulls been in the first place. I guess I'll know when I get there.

5. My friend Amy is slowly convincing me maybe I could just hangout in Thailand for a couple years. She's moving there to teach for awhile. My rent would be cheap like 160$ a month and I would already have a friend there. I could live there for atleast a year on a couple thousand bucks. I wouldn't even have to work if I didn't want to. Seriously considering just fucking off in Thailand for a year and let matt rent my house.

6. Move to Belgium and let Emma irritate me with that harry potter voice until I kill myself.(Shouldn't take long.) Yeah, fat chance. XOXOXO

So that's it. Oh, I've got about a year tops left before I get laid off because they're selling my company. I need to make up my mind or I'll die from boredom. In the meantime I leave for California on may 29-june 06 to check out school and see Sam. That's about it.

Best wishes
Nate

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12342740/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12342740/ Mon, 26 Mar 2007 21:03:10 PDT
My Ann Arbor trip went pretty good. Carlos was happy I was there. He wants me to go work for him. I want him to build me a rice bike. The party was wild. I blacked out around 11:30 but, I'm told I had a good time. God, so much beer. too much tequila.(That side of my family is spanish.) I think if matt went back to Toledo I'd pack my shit up tomorrow and set my house on fire.

I'll try and have some trip pics up tomorrow or something I'm gonna dose myself up and get some sleep. Emma if you want to send me a portrait I'll illustrate it. I think I'd like to do something happy. That's right I actually said something "happy". I think I wanna draw some pictures of Carlos and Leah too.


-------------------------------------------
Never been here, never coming back
Never want to think about the things
That happened today
Want to lay down on the warm ground
I think I'm going to need a little time to myself
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now
I ask you for a slow ride
Going nowhere
You look like Satan
You ask me if I want to get high
Couple of bags down in old town You tie your arm and
Ask me if I wanted to drive
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now
Last thing I recall
I was in the air
I woke up on the street
Crawling with my strawberry burns
Ten long years in a straight line
They fall like water
Yes, I guess I fucked up again
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now

- Everclear - Strawberry burns
------------------------------------------------

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12292192/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12292192/ Fri, 23 Mar 2007 03:45:37 PDT
Emma called me fat. I don't think she likes having friends. Like to see her do ten minutes of my 3 friggin hour workout. She's trying to make me post nudes to defend myself I think.

Probably karma from me callin matt fatass but, he does need to workout. I got him hooked on ephedrine. Probably going to hell for that.

Going away for the weekend to Ann Arbor. I left my contact info on the page if needed. Pictures will go on my shitty little website.


I had some really awful shit I wanted to talk about but, no one wants to hear my pity train so I'll just leave you alone.

Everclear - amphetamine

[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12239522/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12239522/ Sun, 18 Mar 2007 23:45:21 PDT [link] You're not getting any naughty pics.. damn those are my best too. Also these are mildy old. I got a new comic strip I'll have out tomorrow I swear. It's a counter-strike joke so don't feel bad if you don't get it.

Just listened to the perishers - there's nothing like you and I [link] I hate this song. *sniff*

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12188662/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12188662/ Thu, 15 Mar 2007 01:01:47 PDT
Holding my ex-wife as she cried.

Blood runs down my arm as lexie pushes the knive in and twist.

Hitting a homerun in the field across the street.

Playing chess with my father.

Wandering the streets in the rain looking for somewhere dry enough to sleep.

Jackie screaming at me.

Dave tells me I'm no longer welcome in his house while matt giggles behind me.

Sex in mandie's room beneath the quilted blankets.

I stare at the note and the sandstones lisa sent to me in the hospital.

I kiss susie and fall down on the slick ice covered sidewalk.

He rips my backpack out of my upraised hands and continues the beating I interrupted.

I open presents, unable to tear my gaze from the boy with no eyes being held together by plastic and wires in the corner.

Lexie's hips thrust up and down as she whispers into my wet tears "She's in a better place now".

The blanket gives way too early throwing Conan and I laughing down the stairs.

Brooke hands me the gun and says "it was good to see you."

Marcy's tears make her seem more beautiful as she begs me not to take the last of the painkillers.

It seemed like hours past as these scenes came in and out of focus. I awoke to the throbbing in my hands from the cuts and the bruises.

I took another ephedrine and decided I'm going to shave my head today.

[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12176528/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12176528/ Wed, 14 Mar 2007 03:21:56 PDT
This was partially sci-fi but, I'm not tellin which part.

Rinse repeat , story of my life.

If you like anything I've done recently please feel free to check the scraps. Hidden gems I just haven't had time to deal with plus a test run for panel two is on there.

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12138284/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12138284/ Sun, 11 Mar 2007 00:48:09 PST
]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12105838/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12105838/ Thu, 08 Mar 2007 12:52:48 PST

Bad news. The part I need for my car doesn't exist I drove all over town looking in junk yards looking for one. Mental note* on the new car I build all parts must be common. I'm never going through that again.

Also I just put up a new deviation so if you saw it please let me know because it's not showing up on my profile wtf. *edit it's showing up now no clue why. website issues I guess.

Radio-flares [link] productivity is driving me up a wall. I'm making a voodoo doll as we speak so I can steal her powers.

I asked my friend justin if he thought I was lucky. He said he admits in some ways he is jealous, but he doesn't envy me. He said " You've done amazingly well considering life handed you nothing but, shit." He said "Your divorce seems like the luckiest thing you've had happen so far." I wish I could take back his piece of birthday cake..asshole.

Good news.

You'll note* I mentioned getting 50000 dollars for my birthday recently. Guess what? A check just arrived for another 2000 dollars. I have no idea where it came from or what it's for but, yeah me. I've decided since I'm moving I'm giving away my computers to artists in need so if you know anyone let me know.

----------------

That's it sorry, for any typo's but, I wanna play counter-strike before I go to bed.

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12062404/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12062404/ Mon, 05 Mar 2007 02:59:58 PST
My life seems so complex sometimes but, all that is required is to adjust ones mindset and attempt to find order.

Last week I came down with several things at once. It's my birthday, that's just how it works. So throughout this week I've been mostly unable to speak and unable to eat anything. I'm gonna go ahead and say that's really all the bad news.


My father visited me. For all the things he's done to me, when I see him I have nothing but, kind words and it's like being on vacation just to get to spend time with him. It's hard to explain. We have everything in common and he really is my best friend but, everytime he walks out the door it feels like he's walking out the first time all over again. He knows and he accepts what I give him without anger.

In the center of his living room mantle is a picture of me holding my half-brother Aaron the day he was born. Shortly afterwards I left for detroit swearing never to speak to him again. I'm not much of a promise keeper when it comes to love.

My friend Matt bought me a titanium foldout knife. I'm a buddhist so on one side I'll probably never have a use for it but, I'm also a masochist so I can tell you the knife appears to work just fine.

I bought a new camera. I'll have new pictures up shortly. I am really hideous. Didn't realize it til I got the camera. Maybe I should move to the sewers like the ninja turtles. People look at me like I'm on fire. I know this must be a superpower I just have to figure out how to use it. Maybe I'll be Blegggghh! He who makes people run away.

My family had a birthday party for me last night. It was really nice. For someone like me there's nothing more important than knowing you are loved. My uncle is a glass blower. He made a happy birthday glass etching from some pictures on my profile. It was probably the most thoughtful thing I've ever gotten. Caj bought me computer parts. Justin laughed about as hard as I did. The inside joke is that I have so many computers we're going to go shoot some of them this weekend with Matt's springfield pistol and then blow them up. Don't worry I'll keep Caj's parts. The party was the first time I had eaten real food in about a week. I actually felt sick afterwards. Food sucks. I'm think I'm gonna quit eating it.

I've been reading this book about breaking away from common personal habits that cycle you through emotional highs and lows. The key seems to be dis-identifying with the part of me that wants to be hurt. It's amazing to say I enjoy being miserable. Looking at it from an deferential view it's hard to understand why I would want that but, I'd rather just try to correct it.

In a few weeks I go to Detroit for my cousin Carlos's birthday party. Then it's off to Hawaii with my Grandmother. After that I'm going to Japan. When I get back we go to California to visit my cousin Sam. He's dating some Pro Cheerleader, this I gotta see. Maybe after that I'll float around Europe for a couple weeks. Germany in particular seems interesting since I'm banned from Belgium.

No true deviants this week I have to train new people so I need to back off. I'll put up any interesting pictures I take.

I also think I might go to the next cpl tournament and see if I can get my name in the news.



]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12022257/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/12022257/ Fri, 02 Mar 2007 04:37:10 PST
I'm kidding, My birthday was fine. I got through it by playing way too much counter-strike with emma. I actually got up once and fell down because my legs were all unwieldy, well probably because of the meds too.

My grandma took me out to lunch which was cool but, I actually got sick at the restuarant which was embarassing. She talked about my mom alot. I understand, it's hard not to for her. Every positive thing I have was passed down from my mom. When I say my writing is inspired by pictures and drawings it dates back to a painting my mother was given of a half eaten frozen cherry pie. the rest of the painting was a story of an elderly man trying to relive his youth by eating this cherry pie but, the pie is frozen and his plastic fork keeps breaking.

My father called acouple times but, I was sleeping and my throat hurt so I didn't answer. I also don't like him sometimes.

My voice is back and my throat feels ok. I may go out this weekend maybe not. I've been living on ramen and hot chocolate for a week so I feel pretty beat. Gawd I have to start working out again.

I sort of wish the next couple weeks would hurry up and be over. I have alot of financial decisions to make. I just got about 50,000 dollars and I have alot of debt so I'm not sure if I want to keep it or use it to pay bills. Theoretically if I use all the money I could cut all the last ties I have to my ex-wife.

After onyxjinx [link] left me alittle moral boost I did my first webcomic. please take a look I need critical opinions. Don't be too harsh or I'll sick emma on you and she favors the mp5 .

peace out

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11995823/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11995823/ Wed, 28 Feb 2007 03:16:18 PST
I was just finishing up picking out the font when the frigging VP of Data dracula's up right behind me " What's going on ?" "AHHHHHHHHH" I hate when he does that. Jumped out of my skin. Oh well nothing going on at work anyways. Hopefully I won't have a meeting with the boss tomorrow.

I saw Pan's Labyrinth today. OMFG that was depressing. It made me want to write a story though. I think a girl will be the hero and the bad guy.

I'd like to mention something real quick. If you look at my artwork you'll notice I'm improving pretty regularly. When I was a kid they thought I was going to be a prodigy. Maybe not alex ross but, the potential was there. Let's say everything bad you could ever imagine happening, happened all at once when I was 12 and then didn't stop until I was like 18. Then I went a got married. Yeah I know, I'm destructive I get it. Look, she was not only a girl but, she actually talked to me. That's lifemate material right there buddy.

Point is that bs is over and I have time to get back to what I love. Masterba... I mean drawing and writing.... As long as I don't get fired for drawing at work tonight.

Dammit I'm bored. Why can't you people be up late working like me??

Lastly before I begin whoring the forums, if anybody wants to throw some drawing task at me let me know. No, commision. I draw like a 5 year old. Give me some idea's and I'll try.

I'm listening to this

[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11968358/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11968358/ Sun, 25 Feb 2007 23:15:22 PST
ahh I forgot horoscope time..

PISCIES (feb 19 through mar 20)

"Think dangerously!" read the headline on today's bright yellow piece of junk mail. That sounded inviting. I'm always eager for help in overthrowing my certainties. But the product being promoted inside the envelope was just a piece of propaganda: a magazine touting Libertarian dogma. I threw it in my recycling bin along with all the other doctrinaire crap I constantly get from fundamentalists of every stripe, including rightwing religious nuts and leftwing atheists, New Age pollyannas and intellectual cynics, science-haters and science shills. Now here's the climax of this horoscope, Pisces: *Really* think dangerously. Question *every* belief, your own as much as everyone else's. French author André Gide said it best: "Trust those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it."

I can't really interprate this one. I guess I shouldn't buy any books this week based on the cover. Wasn't going to happen anyway. I'm broke in all forms. I have no money and I'm at my emotional wit's end.

My scorpio rising said I'd gain a couple pounds and if I'm a girl it means I'm pregnant. (whew bullet dodged.)

I can't say no to pretty girls and one requested I post something new so I'm gonna try and write something tonight.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living under a vanilla sky.

[link]

[link]

[link]

[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11836612/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11836612/ Thu, 15 Feb 2007 23:22:41 PST
Piscies(feb 15, 07)

"I believe you're climbing up out of the primordial ooze for the last time. You're done! Never again will you be fully immersed in the stinky depths of hell on earth! Never again will moody despair comprise more than 49 percent of your worldview. From now on, you will be smarter about how to avoid unnecessary pain and misery. You will also be a better escape artist. Now go buy yourself a graduation present."

What should I buy? hmmm. My friend matt just shoved abunch of computer crap on me so that's out. I kind of want a Wacom's board but, I want the lcd and that's out. I'd buy emma chocolates but, she lives in belgium and I think chocolate is actually in the water there.

I don't really need anything and I've been buying computers and memory sticks and what not for just about everybody I know(building up my Karma stats). I think I'll take my grandma and sean out to lunch today. She misses me and I owe sean lunch. ok I'm just babbling to myself now you can go...

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11814860/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11814860/ Wed, 14 Feb 2007 12:50:25 PST [link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11718506/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11718506/ Wed, 07 Feb 2007 05:11:01 PST [link] . I think my main problem is that I just don't have time. I should just quit working and go to art school like my cousin Sam. Crap!!! One of my managers wants me to see him before I leave oh Noes shit shit quick here's a song that describes my life and can't stop listening to it!!!!!





I.. I always thought that I knew
I'd always have the right to
be living in the kingdom of the good and true and so on
But now I think I was wrong
and you were laughing along
And now I look a fool for thinking you were on...

My side,
Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?

Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand,
It's hard to know where I am,
Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm
stranded in the wrong time
where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme, a soundbite

Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?
Oh, these days, after all the misery made,
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid?
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed?

Nothing left inside this old cathedral,
just the sad, lonely spires,
How do you make it right?

Oh, but you try,
Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?
Oh, these days, after all the misery made,
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid?
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed?

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11686015/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11686015/ Sun, 04 Feb 2007 15:17:56 PST
I drove another friend away. I'm getting pretty good at that. Doesn't matter much now. I'm giving up and giving in. I'm going to see a therapist hopefully this week. They've told me there's no real hope that I'm ever going to be normal. It's not like looking normal was going to fix me anyway. I like life. I love people. I don't want die but, I can't deal with this by myself. It's not crying or hurting myself. I'm just fucking shaking apart all the time. I'm so afraid and I hate being alive. People try to talk to me and I can't even make normal conversation. It's so fucked up. I don't need my problems explained to me. I get it. I think I just need someone to talk to. Just listen. A friend of mine told me the other day he couldn't even relate to my life. What does that say about me? It's just impossible for me to believe in anything anymore. I hope they give me drugs. God I would give anything just to feel numb. No more me. They can make me someone else. I don't care anymore.

Bi-polar nate Side-B

had this funny experience with Sean the other day. He said I should make it a comic strip. I'm really into it. I've already done the storyboard. It's gonna be 10 Panels but, I think I can do it.

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11655361/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11655361/ Fri, 02 Feb 2007 04:18:51 PST
]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11618144/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11618144/ Tue, 30 Jan 2007 00:05:42 PST
I find myself asking the same question almost everyday now.

If I feel so worthless and alone why would I keep pushing all my friends away?

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11574279/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11574279/ Fri, 26 Jan 2007 09:21:28 PST
]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11560319/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11560319/ Thu, 25 Jan 2007 02:38:32 PST
]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11548201/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11548201/ Wed, 24 Jan 2007 00:03:58 PST
1. I'm really into horror films and anything involving serial killers or assasins but, I don't fit the profile. Hard to describe. I'm not goth nor am I into the scene or the music in fact I'm pretty normal, clean cut and the sight of blood just freaks me out. I guess I just like scary stuff.

2. My musical taste is indescribably. At any given moment I could be listening to Everclear, Modest mouse, fallout boy, Nine inch nails, Lisa loeb, Eminem, Jonny Cash, Goodie Mob, Cee-lo Green, Peter Gabriel, U2. That's just trying to stick to music people have heard of.

3. I workout while playing Counter-strike:Source Which I'm considered to be a Pro at despite the fact that I have Cerebral Palsy.

4. I'm obessed with Teenage muntant ninja turtles. New movie coming out YAY!

[link]

]]> ~piscian18 http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11533401/ http://piscian18.deviantart.com/journal/11533401/ Mon, 22 Jan 2007 17:45:23 PST
I hate everything, just alittle.

]]> ~piscian18