http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:prettyinpink03&section=today deviantART RSS for by:prettyinpink03 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:13:18 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/25140926/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/25140926/ Fri, 05 Jun 2009 10:19:27 PDT
But then again, change like this has happened before. Tenth grade I left the school I had been in for over 9 years. I went to a new school, not a tiny private Christian one like the one I had been at, but a much larger public school. I had a single friend when I walked in that door. And today, I have much much more than that single friend.

I met three boys, one that I will freely admit has changed my life forever. He taught me a lot about myself. About staying up late. About coffee and Diet Mountain Dew. He taught me about humanity. About the solace of the midnight hour. About writing. About music. About passion. About love. About lust. About life. He changed my life. I just wish our romance had ended a bit differently, on a better note rather. And I wish I would have treated him better. As our friendship has been quite rocky.

The other boy was a kiss and tell. He taught me a lot too. About friendship and forgiveness. About people and their past. About hidden tendencies. And how no matter what sisters matter more than boys.

Then there's the other boy. The boy that I've been with now for over a year. The one who's teaching me about myself and about well, everything.

Each of these boys has had a huge impact on my life. I wouldn't trade any of them or the experiences that I've had with them for anything. They each have a place in my heart forever. They all have taught me though, that it's the girl friends in your life that mean something irrevocably important. Boys come and go, even though the girls do too.

High school has been an experience. One that has been so interesting. I have overcome so many things. I have learned so much both academically and relating to life. I have also made many mistakes. Some that I am glad I made, because I have learned from them. Others that I wish I hadn't made, because I know they weren't the right thing to do now. But each situation has taught me something and maybe, that makes up for something.

I know these past three years I have changed. I have changed a great deal. But then again, we all have. That's what three years time does. We have all grown into young adults ready to spread our wings and fly. We have all changed our values and our goals a bit at some point in time. But we have all become the people that we are today. That's what three years have done for us. For me, these three years have changed my life. And I'm glad. The people that I have grown close to at any point in time I value a great deal whether we are still friends or not. Because they each had a purpose in my life that they have fulfilled wonderfully and perfectly.

I'm choosing Monday afternoon when I walk out of that Coliseum to leave this experience with no hard feelings. To any of my classmates. I realize that we have all made mistakes, I know I have surely made my fair share. I know that I still have a great deal to learn. I wish each and everyone one of you the absolute best in life. And I offer my apologies to the many things that I have done wrong these few years. I love you guys and I will treasure our memories together. May you find the best in life.


Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/23258196/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/23258196/ Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:27:52 PST
I know that I have changed. But in the eyes of many people, it has been a change for the better. This change has come through a great deal of self-discovery and self-acknowledgment. In looking at myself, I like this change too. It becomes difficult after a certain point to please people in order to please yourself. It's a tiring ask that never ends and one you can never actually succeed at. After awhile you learn that in the end you have to please three people, yourself, God and your significant other. And the third is highly debatable even still. It's not what you've done for yourself at the end of the day either, its how you feel about what you've done for others. Everyone always says that you feel better about yourself when you do more for others, funny thing is its really true.

When you find yourself coming to terms with all the things that scare you and the things that have destroyed your heart the most. You rediscover yourself. You rediscover the things that make you yourself. Which is one of the reasons why I've ended up back here. In one of the places I have discovered the most about myself, one of the few places where I can say everything while saying nothing.

I do know that sometimes you need answers to questions that others don't want to answer. But those answers sometimes put demons to rest. And those answers are sometimes the best things that you're the most thankful for. I'm realizing that the people who you thought are your very best friends aren't really necessarily your friends. But the people that you don't think you're ever going to be with or be with again, are the one's that surprise you and hold your hand through the good and the bad. I know that friends really do exist for a reason, season or lifetime. And that when they've left their footprints on your heart you can't hold onto the past. You just need to embrace the memory and their purpose and put your feet one in front of the other.


Noela

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/22361505/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/22361505/ Fri, 02 Jan 2009 19:43:29 PST
Karma, what goes around comes around.


me

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/20731679/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/20731679/ Sun, 28 Sep 2008 20:09:08 PDT
What would happen if you took it? And you enjoyed every moment of the truth. When everything that had been said to you, was a complete lie.

What would happen if you hated every moment of it? And it killed you.

Would you take the chance? Or not?

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/19649735/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/19649735/ Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:32:16 PDT Because I'm not, by any stretch of the word. I am not over my mother's death. I am not over the loss of a loved one. I am not over the void that was created upon her death. I hate cancer. With such passion I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified that it may too eat me alive, just like it killed her.
I want my mother back. For even a moment. I want her. Even though she was messed up, even though my life with her was not the best, she was my mother, she is my mother. That never will change. She is my mother. And I loved her. I still do love her.
Her memory is ingrained in me. I carry her on each day that I am alive, with every beat of my heart, she lives on. I am her daughter. I can not live her life. But I can live mine still and I can make her proud of who her youngest daughter is becoming.
I am Pamela's baby. But I'm a woman. I am her daughter. But I am my own person. And as long as I'm alive, she will live, for a person only dies when they are no longer remembered. I won't run away from her memory, because I know it will only haunt me to my core.
I can make it. And day by day, I do.

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/17721659/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/17721659/ Sun, 06 Apr 2008 19:24:55 PDT have been doing. And I wish I could take it back. I almost wish that I could be able to take back all of what it is that I have done. But the key word in that sentence is "almost". Because a long time ago I learned not to regret, because regret is pointless when you can't change things. Instead, I take things as a lesson learned and move on.

You see the thing is there was this boy, a summer boy of course. Well, he turned my world upside-down. It's just now that I'm finally turning it right side up again. As I'm redefining my world, I'm realizing just how much he changed me, and I'm mad. I'm mad that I let myself be changed that much. I realized that it wasn't his fault either, it was mine, for letting myself be changed. For trying so hard to be something that I totally wasn't. People kept telling me that I wasn't myself, that they missed the old me and I missed that girl too. Well, I'm here to say shes back and I realized that only a few days ago. When I was being a total goofball with my best friends, I realized that I was back, the girl that we all missed. And a single look from my sister, I realized that I was me again. And I don't think that I've been happier in a really long time.

I am however mad still, that I changed for a boy. I just wish that everyone could realize, especially a certain person that love dearly, that she is doing the exact same thing that I did. She is losing herself, but she doesn't realize it, and if she does, she likes the new her better. But I miss the real her.

But part of me that I missed the most was the little girl that I've always been. See, part of me that went missing that everyone missed the most was my playfulness. I am one of those people that can act like a complete idiot and public and not care because I'm with my best friends. I can be exactly who I am and someone say that they hate my guts and I can look them dead in the eye and say "SO WHAT". That was the girl that disappeared as well. But I'm back, the playfulness, the desire, the joy, the blondness, she's back, all of her.

I am once again myself. I realize that I am me, that is exactly who I am and that is all that I can be. I'm just simply me.



Lauren Noela

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/17640621/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/17640621/ Tue, 01 Apr 2008 19:04:28 PDT
I'm sick of staying, of sticking it out, of fighting for what I want, what I know they want. Maybe I just want someone to fight for me.

But then they'll decide I'm not worth the fight and leave. So either way, I lose.

That's right, I lose.

Failed.


:Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/16931209/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/16931209/ Sun, 17 Feb 2008 14:38:49 PST
always,
Lauren Noela

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/16020951/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/16020951/ Thu, 20 Dec 2007 21:09:28 PST
My life has never been the easiest one, one that even though it has been hard, I've never wanted to change anything about it. I've learned a great deal though my past, my twisted distorted past. Things have happened to me that some can only imagine, that others can relate to. Most people wouldn't expect a girl of my circumstance, a girl of my naivety to have gone through any of what I have. I think that because of what I have gone through, I am the way I am.

I having lived for the past 17 years the way I have am able to fully understand that shift happens, shit happens. Having said that, I can fully attest that I understand what it's like for one thing to change the course of the future forever. One email can destroy a life forever; it can change 7 lives forever. I can fully attest to the truth of this. I'm the life it destroyed. One set of angry words can change things forever.

The email, that changed my life destroyed it as well. Somethings will never again be the same, this includes: my father's view of me; he and I's relationship; my sister and I's relationship; Paul, my best friend, and I's relationship; my heart; my life; how I love people; how I trust; my outlook on mankind; the fact I'm practically indefinitely grounded; and last but not least my mind. This is one of those defining moments in life, that I had no idea was coming.

What makes everything soo much worse is that I'm scared I just lost my best friend forever. He's the one person I always talked to, no matter how much of the world I shut out. I could always talk to him. He and I know everything about each other, he knows me better than I know myself. That's something rare, for someone to know either of us fully. Yet we do, we know everything. And I might have lost him. What makes it worse is I know he needs time to calm down and process everything and I'm trying to give him the time and space to do so. I'll be honest, it's hard. But I want this to be something that he does on his own time and own accord. This is hard, for the both of us. I'm letting him decide whether or not he wants to stick around through the drama.

This is his time to work through everything that has happened. This is his time to decide what he and I are. To decide if I'm worth his time, his friendship, his effort. What makes this hard for me, is the waiting. The tears I can't stop crying and the fact that for some reason in this world his sweatshirt smells like him. I've had it for a month and it smells like him again. Maybe that's because two nights ago he and I fell asleep side by side on our friends floor underneath the covers holding hands. Maybe that's why, or maybe God granted me a miracle. Either way it makes it worse.

I refuse to move anywhere, forwards or backwards until he talks to me. Until he figures out where he stands. I know where I stand right now, where I will stand depending on his decision. I'm just waiting for his until I reveal mine. This is his choice, not mine. The road isn't going to be easy, he has to decide if we're walking it together or not.

I've cried more today that I have in a very long time. What's the pathetic part is I've controlled my crying, and might I admit, I've cried a heck of a lot today. I'm scared, I'm scared that like always, I'm going to get left behind. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. For the first time in he and I's relationship, I can honestly say that I don't know. I don't know anything, where we stand, how we are, if we're ok, if we're going to make it and I don't know what he wants until he tells me. I'm not taking cryptic answers for this either, this is too big, too important. This is one straightforward literal answer that I'm demanding, one that I will get.

I'll make it through though, either way, I can make it. It'll be really hard if he decides not to stick around though, I'll be honest. But I think I can make it, I really do. If I can make it through tonight, I can survive tomorrow. After that, we'll go from there.

~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15908652/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15908652/ Wed, 12 Dec 2007 19:14:20 PST

Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15811173/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15811173/ Wed, 05 Dec 2007 17:27:29 PST
And things come to a pivotal moment when I say "I am incapable of handling things"; that's how I know enough has finally come to be enough. That's me breaking down, to the farthest point that I can get to. When all I want is everything I will never have.

I'm sorry I have terrible timing. I know that full well. I can't handle watching everyone I love flip out all at the same time; I flip out too. I'm sorry, I just need a hug, from someone who doesn't give them often, especially when they're upset themselves. And I just want to make them better, not fake better, but really truly ok.


Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15671802/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15671802/ Sun, 25 Nov 2007 21:24:42 PST
1. Say it again.
2. Later, not now, but later.
3. The world will smile again.
4. I love you. I promise I care, stop thinking everything I do is because of you. You keep my world right, you take me to see "dreams come true". It's another world that you let me live in.
5. We can be the way we were, it just takes work. We can do it though; we just can't have cat fights.
6. I miss you. I wanna get hang out again; I've missed it.
7. You'll never understand what I don't have the courage to say in words, but with every action. I wish more than anything though, that you would.

So, messages to 5 people. Messages that they'll probaby never read.


Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15608899/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15608899/ Wed, 21 Nov 2007 17:10:18 PST

Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15483495/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15483495/ Mon, 12 Nov 2007 18:15:42 PST

Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15412534/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15412534/ Thu, 08 Nov 2007 14:47:52 PST
It's the only way I can actually write a journal, is when I finally get done with everything that absolutely must be finished by tomorrow, and instead of going to sleep, I write here. Generally, I just fall asleep with my face in my laptop or at least my laptop on my lap talking on gtalk to my best friend. Either way, I fall asleep on my laptop. The better nights are the ones I fall asleep wrapped up in my Katie blanket, curled up under my comforter with my laptop beside me on the bed, and my head on my teddy bear. That method does however prove to have one disadvantage, typos. Lots of them, also an insane obsession with this / the slash. It is never a question mark, always a slash. It's totally great.

School
Is going. By going I mean I attend every day and make grades that I won't kill myself over. I'm a perfectionist by nature, this is a really hard year because of that. The whole having yet to actually pass a history test by state standards is still yet to happen. If we apply my standards, well... I dream for a reason. History is a pain, but the worst has got to be either Spanish or Math. I'm actually getting much better at math, I'm proud of myself. I understand things as long as I don't panic. If I panic, then I do absolutely horrible. I just have to trust myself to understand things, they go alot better that way. With Spanish, well, it truly is a foreign language to me. I can write it beautifully, I really can. I can write it, I just can't speak it. Or well, I can, I just don't trust myself to speak it. I've actually been told by a real Spanish speaker, that when I stop thinking about it, I speak it beautifully. But I personally think my sister influenced that statement of his, so I have yet to take it seriously.

Work
Guess what! I'm getting a second job! Or at least I went for an interview today. I know that if I do get this job, I'll like it much better than my current one. I love people, I really do; but honestly, I prefer office work. Medical and Law. For awhile, I'm going to keep both, however, probably after Christmas, I'll just be working one. I can only handle so much. One job now is enough, but two might get a little tricky. I also have other opportunities coming in, 2 law offices and one at the hospital. I don't know what to pick. As for my job right now, I'm sick of the boys there hitting on me. I know that sounds weird, but I am. If they weren't all so obvious, then yea, maybe, well... We'd have to see, it depends highly on the person in consideration. But other than that, the situation there, that no one knows about (and I do of course) is one that is influencing me immensely to leave. Or at least want to.

Friends
Well, I haven't been very nice to them lately. Nice at all in anyway shape or form. I've kinda screamed, really loudly. Thankfully, they heard, but in the process, I fear I hurt some of them. Which is something that I am continuously beating myself up for. I said recently, that I don't understand how someone can love me. My friend replied, it's hard not to, we don't always like you, but we do love you, that's why we're here. To that I didn't know what to say, I still don't. But can that be true? Do they all really love me? I know that they shouldn't, there is no reason that they should love me after all the crap I put them through, yet they are in fact still standing beside me. I'm working on restoration right now, it's a long process, but that is in fact expected. I kinda destroyed a few relationships on my rampage, but it's over now. I'm back, the real me. I just hope that they are still standing with me, and meaning it. I do know however, that one person in my life, a very important person is planning on sticking around. That alone gets me through the day with a smile on my face. I just wish I was better to that person than I am, and I wish they would call. Because, well, somethings never change, and me, I'm too stubborn to go back on my word sometimes. But as for that, I am content waiting; somewhere along the way, I kinda got used to it. As much as it bothers me sometimes, I know that they truly do care. Then the other relationship that I'm in the process of repairing, well, I know that things with that person and I will in fact work out, they have too. At one point in time or another, something will happen that wil... ]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15050971/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/15050971/ Sat, 13 Oct 2007 22:50:06 PDT is my life, there is quite a bit of drama.

Home
My Dad, well, he's doing whatever he can to keep himself from freaking out because I'm freaking out. It's sad, he feels helpless (like my best friend's Mom) because none of the IB parents know what to do with their children. How can that feel? To be helpless in helping your own child in high school who is simply struggling with their homework? That must be really hard. And they try, I know they do, but even still they aren't very helpful. I must admit though, that it is a comfort at least knowing that they are there if we one day decide to go to them for help. They don't have a clue though, they really don't. If they knew half of how bad we are all freaking out, they would have done something by now.

My Aunt, is finally beginning to understand that even if I don't call her everyday, I still love her. That has been really hard to try and show her. But I think she finally got the picture when I went to her house and fell asleep on her shoulder for an hour. With AC/DC blasting in the room and people talking, I was completely out for an hour until she woke me up. I think she finally understood then that I truly am exhausted and do way too much homework. That I'm not ignoring her, but simply don't have time to even take care of myself.

My Grandfather, I don't even know what to say. I think he wants to be in my life, but I'm not really able to let him in because I have too much to do. So, I feel bad, cause he is kinda cool. Yes, he totally embarrasses me at times, well all the time actually. He even manages it when I'm NOT there. It's possible, yes. But hopefully, I'll be able to manage a relationship there, because he does love me.

My Uncle, the man who abused me. I honestly can't believe I'm finally saying that out loud. I actually said it today, for the first time. That he has physically abused me, mentally abused me, emotionally abused me and hurt me in ways that I can't admit yet. But I saw him today when I was at work. I started hyperventilating, something I've never done before. I was so terrified that he was going to come over and say something to me, anything, even a simple "Hello". I turned white as a ghost and started hyperventilating. One of my bosses made me go sit down till I got color back in my face. But that moment scared me so much. I couldn't function, I couldn't hide it. I don't want to be within miles of him, ever see him again, but we live in such a close vicinity that it is only natural that I am forced to encounter him at times, yet I can't handle it at all.

My sister, the biological one, has not spoken to me in almost a month. She hates me, I know that full well. I told her that I didn't care what she did about my mother's headstone for her grave. I am sixteen, I have my first job. Why is it expected of me to pay for my mother's headstone? Shouldn't that have been done four years ago when she died? Not now, four years later, by me, her sixteen year old daughter with her first job. I am sorry, but I know that my mother would not want me to pay for it, not now at least. Maybe later, when I'm older, but I know she would have a fit if she knew it was I who paid for it. Yet at the same time, I feel unbelievably guilty that she doesn't have a headstone...four years later.

Friends
Jacqueline, well I don't know what's happened between us. We are better for now, or at least I think so. But after "The Book" went around and feelings got hurt, our relationship encountered a really big rough patch. So rough, that we didn't really talk for a few weeks. Now, after things have finally been spoken about, are we trying to repair things completely. She doesn't want me to push back in, because that is how she lost friends before. I am glad that she doesn't want to lose me, but this is hard. For I am not used to waiting, to gaining back what I had. It isn't often, or ever is a better term, that I have to regain something from people. So, this is hard, because this in sorts, is new.

Elizabeth, is falling for him. I honestly could not be happier for her. My best friend has the opportunity to fall in love, with Kirby. Once he finally asks her out, they will be the cutest couple. He might as well, they talk on the phone for hours every night, I just have to make sure she'll say yes, before I give someone the word to say something. I wish someone could make her feel better, her father is an asshole, one that I would seriously like to castrate. He has torn this girl to bits and pieces, done unspeakable things to her, and still wants her to... ]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14819388/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14819388/ Thu, 27 Sep 2007 20:06:47 PDT

Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14612371/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14612371/ Thu, 13 Sep 2007 03:50:32 PDT and the endless nights of slumberless darkness
where all I can do is be self-destructive
and get my homework finished.

DAMN SCHOOL
DAMN IB
DAMN HOMEWORK

SCREW IT ALL
(not really, wish i could though)


Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14567093/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14567093/ Sun, 09 Sep 2007 19:39:15 PDT Paul, my ex-boyfriend, our relationship was "on hold", well we're not on hold anymore. We're over. Absolutely most definitely over. And for once, I can say that with every bit of confidence. I know that honestly he will most likely end up reading this journal, and I am completely fine with that. I actually kind of hope that he does, and sooner than later. It was sitting in the parking lot after school waiting to pull in line to get out the parking lot, that our relationship shifted into OVER, absolutely over. Because it took his best friend Matt, screaming out the car window "Hey Paul! Are you going to ask her out at the game tonight?" I take that her, means Kenzie, one of our friends. Who at the Pep Rally, Friday afternoon, he decided to go down and sit by, something that he doesn't do very often, (move to sit next to a certain someone). But it wasn't what Matt said that got me soo much, it was the facial expression I got when he looked in his rearview mirror looking at me. An expression of surprise and shock, because either the comment was completely untrue (extremely doubtful), or completely true (more than likely) and I wasn't supposed to find out, probably ever. So, that hurt, I won't even lie. It hurt alot, and I cried my eyes out. That's completely fine too, because honestly, Paul means alot to me. More than he ever should have, more than he should.
Then today, I was at the mall with Jacqueline and Elizabeth, two of my good friends. Can anyone guess who I saw? Ok, got your guess? Cause here's your answer... Paul and Matt! Did you guess right? I surely hope that you did, remember this is my life we're talking about. But yea, I ended up standing next to Paul as we talked in our little group, Jacqueline to one of the girls they we're with, me and Elizabeth to Matt and Paul. I don't think Mr. Non-Confrontational Paul could have gotten away much faster without being obvious and rude. But he has tact, something that we totally have in common, that's why we were both able to sit there and talk to each other, the sole reason I didn't say everything that I wanted to then and there. Because trust me, I considered chewing him out right there, but I didn't because I have tact and respect for him. Something that I don't believe he has for me, at least not anymore.
This in many ways is becoming a letter to him, written without being addressed to him, and that's fine with me. I need to vent somewhere. I'll get to do it to his face one day. For now, this is good enough.
It was really priceless though, I saw him after I'd had a wonderful day. I ran into him skipping with Elizabeth singing "Were off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!" and yes, I am TOTALLY serious. I saw him when I was happy, after he broke my heart, I'm happy. I am also letting go. I'm letting go of everything that I have held so carefully and strongly to.
He's not worth a broken heart, and that sounds really werid, even to me. Because for so long, he has meant the world to me. When time after time, he has broken my heart. He's failed to do the things he promised, gone back on what he's said, done the things he promised he never would. He succeeded in doing something that I know he never meant to, and he often he hurt me more by trying not to hurt me. After holding on so tightly to him, I'm letting go. If he wants me in his life, then he's going to have to make the effort to keep me. I'm sick of excuses, of broken promises, of going back on your word, so the choice is either be here or don't. I'll put up with you, just like I always have, because I care. But in order for me to do that, you have to look me in the eyes and tell me that you want me to stick around. That you want me to be in your life. If you don't want me in your life, then you know what, your gonna have to tell me that too. Your gonna have to look me in the eyes, face to face, and say "I don't want you in my life anymore." Either way, it's gonna be face to face, you looking me in the eyes, telling me what you want. I will NOT accept the answer through actions, through texts, emails, notes, papers, poems, songs, smoke signals, phone calls, and whatever else method of communication you can come up with. You WILL be confronational for once in your life, you will look me in the eyes, face to face, and tell what you want. And the even better part of this all, is it will be done soon. Like really really soon.
So, yea, that's most of how I feel about that. Whenever I say the rest, which will be face to face, I'm gonna finish everything I need to say. Because there are most definitely somethings that I need to say, that I have the deceny not say in public, that I have the respect for him not to announce to the whole world.
... ]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14458779/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14458779/ Sun, 02 Sep 2007 16:16:05 PDT
In the last two weeks, I've broken up with my boyfriend, snapped at my best friends, had a mental breakdown, and was sexually harrassed.

When it rains...It pours.

,

Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14410481/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14410481/ Thu, 30 Aug 2007 13:02:37 PDT
always,

Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14194175/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/14194175/ Thu, 16 Aug 2007 10:34:12 PDT
I have created several bonds this summer with people, that I know will last me throughout our entire lives; as well as a few I would love to see where they go. I finally have a Mom again, a real Mom that I can talk to, she's my two best friends Mom, and she's also mine. I also have acquired another father in my life, drawing that number up to three.

I've fought with my best friend, my sister, this summer. We've been through alot, but we've also gotten so very much stronger. At this rate, we really will be able to make it though anything. There is always things we forget about each other that causes us to fight, and then we take turns screaming bloody murder and crying our eyes out until we have the problem solved. This might not be the best manner to handle everything we have to go through, but for us, it works. I love her, and she loves me. We both refuse to walk away, and that's why we're both still in this relationship. Nobody understands why we stay when things get so bad. We don't understand either sometimes, but we stick together, people can't bad mouth the other, they can't say bad things, only we can do that. Only we can call each other bitches and it be ok. We're not allowed to bad mouth ourselves, only the other. We stick together for one simple reason, we don't know what to do without the other. That's why we're still together, because we wouldn't know what to do without the other one.

I have a boyfriend. Most definitely one of the best things that happened this summer. He's simply awesome. And he makes me so ridiculously happy, that it is honestly pathetic. But I love him.
- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- -

I have worked my butt off this summer, and I have loved doing so. I like being so busy that I barely have time to sleep and eat. I like being that busy. I love the feeling being overwhelmed, it's a safe feeling for me. It's like a warm cocoon, because I'm so used to it. I like having things to do, people to be with. I'm crazy, I know, and eventually I will wear out, but for now, I am superwoman.

I love my car, my crappy, falling apart car. But more importantly, I love driving. I love that I have the power to go anywhere I want, whenever I want (as long as it's before 8pm and after 6am {gotta love state laws}).

I love Starbucks, even more so than I always have. I am seriously seriously addicted to my caffeine. It's very sad, but I wouldn't change it. Coffee is a security blanket for me, it takes like three cups to wake me up, but only one to make me perfectly happy again.

My word of the month is "Seriously", and I blame Grey's Anatomy. I am seriously addicted to that show. I really am, another pathetic thing in my life.
- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- -

I absolutely love my life, I really do. I wouldn't change much of anything that has happened, past or present. I like my life, I like who I am, what I stand for. I like how I talk extremely fast when I'm upset, so fast that only a few people have any idea what I'm saying. I like how I don't sleep when I'm upset, but choose to work on anything that I possibly can to keep from going to sleep. I like how I drive way too fast when I have somewhere I need to be. I like how when I'm on the water, I couldn't be happier. I like how my best friend's houses feel like my own, that driving up in the driveway feels natural. I like how when I wake up to a text message from my best friend or boyfriend, I'm in an amazingly happy mood all day. I like how I fall asleep watching movies at my friends houses. I like how I can't live without my music. I love how I always have to have my phone at all times.

I love my job and the people I work with, because they embrace me for who I am.

I love my friends, because they love me, in spite of all the crazy things I do and say. I love how they love me because of my crazy quirks.
- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- -

Mostly, I just love how every now and then, no matter what is happening, I can be perfectly happy.

Much
Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13960392/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13960392/ Tue, 31 Jul 2007 17:55:52 PDT Each day is a new experience
Another day longer, farther
That I never knew I could make
I've made it four years today.

Four years that have been hell
Another year, another day
Where I allow myself
To grieve finally.

I'll make it another day,
Live to be another day older,
Another day wiser, while
While in the meantime...

Your days have been measured
And scored to a T
They are over,
But mine are in progress.

Your story has been written
And properly published,
While mine,
Is still being written.

The chapters in my life
That contained you,
And all your many stories
Will soon end.

As I finally let go,
As I finally grieve,
In ways I should have
Many years ago.

While I grow older
You'll be referenced,
And your memory,
Will grow old with me.

As I begin to forget,
As I remember
Over and over
The things I hold onto.

I will continue
To do what you stopped doing
I will continue to live
Until my time too, ends.

I will survive
Because I can
And I will live
Because you can't.

I will continue on
Because you stopped
And because I should
And I want to.

I love you,
Always and Forever
That will never change
Until my days end.


A poem, about things people can never understand until it happens to them. Then they know there is no way to describe such a pain, such a loss that is comprehendable to others. The only things that help the process is other peoples love and time. Eventually it becomes easier until then, I'm perfectly content with other people holding me when I need them to.

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13779493/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13779493/ Wed, 18 Jul 2007 08:40:54 PDT
I'm tired, physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to make everything in my life work right now.

I'm sick of fighting with my best friend, my sister when sometimes I don't understand that I'm doing something wrong. I just wish she knew that I loved her more than anything in this world and losing her is like losing myself. I depend on her for soo much, too much. I wish she knew that I'm not trying to replace her, I'm just trying to have other close friends. I'm just trying to live and enjoy the few moments I get to spend with friends because I'm not working, cleaning, or trying to make my Dad and Aunt happy. I love her and I won't stand for losing her, I will move mountains, part seas, and walk through fire to keep her, all without thinking twice about it. She means more than anything to me. I don't alway agree with everything she says, does, or thinks, but I still support her. I still won't let anyone trash talk her, only I can do that. I just wish she could understand that she's not going anywhere, that she means just as much to me now than she ever has, if not more. That just because I'm close to other people, doesn't mean that I feel any differently about her, or value her any less.

I'm trying to have a relationship with someone I care for more than anyone ever before. I'm trying to not lose what we have, and gain more. I'm trying to figure out what I want, what he wants, what I stand for and where lines get drawn. I'm trying not to lose my morals and have what we want. And in the process, I fear I'm pushing him away, when all I want is to be closer.

I'm trying to keep my Dad happy. A job that I've been struggling with since I realized it was my job. He's the only parent in my life, the only other person that I'm stuck with. I try and make good grades when I'm in school, get good evaluations at my job, keeping obnoxious egotistical customers happy. Do great at my second job. I try and keep the house clean, the laundry done, food ready for him when he's tired and doesn't feel like cooking. I try and keep his life as easy as possible, but he overlooks that and just yells at me for wanting to take a break and be with my friends. So, I end up failing at what I try so hard to succeed at.

I'm trying to not lose my real sister, while keeping myself out of her life. I love my sister, we've been through hell and back together, more than once. What she means to me is unexplainable. But I don't like who she is and what she stands for. Her values are the exact opposite of mine. Where she values going and partying, drinking, and dancing, I value keeping my life together and remembering what I did the night before. Everything in our lives is opposite, everything. I love her more than anything, but I can't watch her throw her life away time and time again. I can't fall into that kind of lifestyle. I don't want to lose her, but I don't know how to balance being with her, and not becoming her. I feel like a horrible person, worse than anything in the world, because I am skipping her wedding, when it's the one thing in the world that she wants from me. She wants me to be there, because our mother is dead and I am the closest that she gets to Mom. I'm not my mother, I don't want to be, and I can't replace her, especially because I'm not going. And I will never forgive myself for doing this.

Then there is the things I'm trying to deal with now, that I should have dealt with four years ago, when she died. I should have dealt with things then, I just didn't know how. So, after suppressing feelings for four years, they're finally not being suppressed anymore, and I don't know how not to make it obvious and be the same person that I've been.

I'm trying to be closer to the twins, two of the greatest people in the world. I'm trying to enjoy every moment that I have with them, because they make the world a better place. I value one's roof and ones closet. I value something different from each of them in practically every aspect, but I value so much of them that they have in common. Especially their uncanny ability to make me feel better no matter how shitty I feel, and they've had quite a few challenges already, but they've done it. Here I am, happy.

I'm trying to hold down two jobs, which I have no clue why I have. The first one I knew what I was getting myself into, the second, I'm still wondering what I was thinking when I said yes. I lost the rest of my summer taking on that job, I don't have a single day off until school starts, and then I have school. I love both jobs, don't get me wrong. I won't quit either of them, I'm gonna have to get fired in order to stop. Bu... ]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13695935/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13695935/ Wed, 11 Jul 2007 13:18:16 PDT

always,
Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13672275/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13672275/ Mon, 09 Jul 2007 14:15:02 PDT you know who you are.



]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13544079/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13544079/ Fri, 29 Jun 2007 20:26:56 PDT
]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13448345/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13448345/ Fri, 22 Jun 2007 14:54:05 PDT
Because my life is crazy. Absolutely upside-down crazy.

He likes me, I didn't think he did. But he does. And he told me, but he also said that we can't be together.

I knew that part already, because if we went farther, we would lose each other. I know I'm not willing to lose him, I guess he feels the same way.

Things are really weird right now, I'm scared I'm gonna lose my best friend anyway. I'm happy though, at least he likes me. But I have a broken heart anyway, cause we can't be together.

I don't know what I feel right now. Everything is a big jumbled up mess. Nothing makes sense, I can't even trust my own thoughts right now. My sister is getting me through this though.

Ok, so yea, that's my current life right now. Crazy huh?

,
Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13361530/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13361530/ Fri, 15 Jun 2007 21:02:57 PDT
Yea, I took the test three times. What can I say, I get nervous with tests that matter. Hence my moods around final exam time.

I couldn't parallel park the first time.
I ran two stop signs before I got out the parking lot the second.

I was really nervous the second time.

But the third time, the third time I got it.

I can do things. ALL. BY. MY. SELF. Well... sometimes.

Other times, people should answer their phones. (Yes, I am talking to you.)

I'm too mellow for my own good right now. It's kinda nice though. I dunno, whatever...

,
Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13111568/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13111568/ Sun, 27 May 2007 09:55:36 PDT
Things have been crazy lately, and I started thinking. Bad things happen when I seriously sit down and think. And because I have such amazing friends, one in particular, I get through the crazy moments. Because my friends are awesome, they fall asleep with me on the phone trying to help me sort things all out. Even when both of us are making absolutely no sense whatsoever cause we're so tired, they stay with me, trying to make it all better. I seriously couldn't be luckier. Nobody I know has friends that do that, to the degree my friends do, for them. How'd I end up soo lucky?

In other news, I will have driver's ed finished by Friday night... This means that I can get my license within the next two weeks. I have my car already. Dude, this is just my time, and me gaining independence.

This weekend in general is awesome, Friday night I spent about 4 hours total on the phone. 3 learning all about a new friend and her twin. And another with my best friend sorting my crazy thoughts out and just talking. Saturday I had driver's ed, in car session, I drove for 2 1/2 hours. I went all the places my dad has never let me go, and my driver's ed guy completely loves me. He thinks I have "spunk" and he likes the fact that actually talk while I'm driving and that I have opinions, I don't just go along with what he says that pertains to things about life. I stand up for myself. I'm his favorite, which means I'm most likely gonna pass. And the guy that drove after me, his name was Taylor, it was his third time driving EVER. We went over the new bridge, where you should be going about 50, but no, he was going 25 mph. Yes, I typed that correctly. 25 miles per hour in a 50 zone, can we say that I have never been more scared for my life. I was like so incredibly scared, and then the fact that again, he was driving 15 in a 40 zone downtown, and then almost ran off a dinky bridge. Yea, I'm pretty sure my life passed before my eyes a couple of times. That was not an experience that I plan on having again.
So, after my driving experience, I took a two hour nap, jumped in the shower and drove to pick my friend up and went to see Pirates 3. Let's just say, that my wedding is definitely going to be much less dramatic than that one was. And fyi, stay through the credits if you plan on seeing the movie. There's a little clip at the end thats pretty good, especially if you liked the little boy at the beginning. And yes, the credits do take FOREVER. I'm well aware. While I waited for the credits my best friend and the twins we were with started throwing popcorn, let's just say I'm glad I wore the shirt that I did, or I, like them, would still be picking popcorn out my bra. I'm so not explaining that one either. But after that my best friend spent the night and we had fun, I fell asleep about 30 minutes after drinking coffee leaving her to watch Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby alone. She said it was a waste of her life. I laughed.

I'm about to leave to go to Mt. P to my Dad's friends house. Which I'm happy about, I get to see my boyfriend! He's pretty cute if I may say so myself, he's nine. We've been "going out" for about 4 years now, lol. Then I'll go swimming, eat, watch a movie, fall asleep on their couch with him beside me, and his brother on my other side. The usual, which I love. I've missed seeing them. But I'll have fun, I always do.

Hope everyone's weekend is as good as mine.

Much ,
Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13066193/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/13066193/ Wed, 23 May 2007 17:08:58 PDT


I suppose
Lauren



]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12990842/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12990842/ Thu, 17 May 2007 15:23:16 PDT
Hooray for summer, hanging with your best friends, laying on the beach, and getting into trouble with boys. To being stupid and having fun, to sunburns and House M.D. marathons. Phone calls that last for hours and skinny-dipping. Sunburns from hell and no stress. Being left alone and successfully ignoring crappy friends. To doing what you want and not caring a damn thing what others think about. To being yourself around the people you love and all by yourself too. To love, to sun, to chocolate and Starbucks. To oceans and rivers.
And hopefully to photography, days off work, a trip to Tennessee and Charlotte for modeling.
To summer, three months of heaven.

Only 12 more days. I can make it. I know I can.

always,

Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12829635/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12829635/ Thu, 03 May 2007 15:34:53 PDT
This is probably the first chance I have actually had to coherently think about something other than the problems going on and my homework.

This is also the most rested I've been all week and will be for the next few weeks. I am currently running on approx. 7 hours a sleep and a total of 11 hours since Saturday night. Yea, according to a doctor I should be around 48 hours. Yep, no, I have a whopping 11 hours, GO ME!!!! What makes me proud is I am for the most part, completely coherent and understandable after 9am these last few mornings. Luckily I can afford to do this because we are doing group work in my first period class, Algebra II, and I have an absolutely great group. My best friend and girl I've known since 2nd grade, they know me and understand why I'm completely out of it in the morning. My teachers that know that I haven't been sleeping are also very nice about me falling asleep in their classes. (Dude, I love being a teacher's pet!!! ) The reason I haven't slept is because my air conditioner at home is broken. It's about 80 degrees outside, I think we hit 90 yesterday. It's really really hot in my house. I generally sleep in subzero conditions because my father is always hot. Yea, no, this isn't working too well for me.

I've been reading some really good books lately, The Mediator series by Meg Cabot. It's really good. I don't generally like books about ghosts and the supernatural and stuff, but I really like these.

I've also been super busy with school and trying to maintain at least something resembling a social life. It's been working out pretty well for me so far. My grades are blah. I'd much rather them be higher, I have about 16 days to get them up to where I want them. A joke right? No, I'm serious and my inability to sleep is actually for once going to be working at my advantage. If you can't sleep and you have no internet access at 3am what better is there to do but study? So, my grades are actually going up and I'm maintaining a decent (not good) report card right now. Lowest is an 82 in Spanish (it's like I'm in a foreign language... o wait, it is.) The next grade is an 89 which is steadily going up and my highest is a 95. I just have to remember to stay calm until around the 29, cause if I don't well, let's just say I'm not a pretty person when I'm freakingout-stressing-sleepless-emotional basketcase-nervefrazzled-
emotional teenage-girl.
Yea, no, I don't even like myself when I reach those moments.

I decided on Tuesday that I am sick of being lonely. Yes, I have friends and all that stuff. But what I'm talking about is a boyfriend, I mean at least a crush, ...something. But like I miss flirting like an idiot, giggling like a second grader, and having butterflies in my stomach every time I'm near that someone. I mean, ok, there is someone that I do think is cute and quite charming for that matter, but there is no way on this earth that they would ever like me back that way. So, even though I keep saying why bother, I keep beginning to find myself starting to like someone that will only break my heart. Now, I don't mean that in a bad way, I know that boys aren't just out to break a girls heart, my friend has pointed that out every time I try and make a collective statement about guys. I hate the fact that he gets to point out that I'm wrong every single time, but I do know that he's right, which is why it doesn't bother me too much. What makes this funny is that one of my guy friends has also recently declared that he wanted a girlfriend, talk about timing. It's funny to me, I dunno why, but the fact that we both decide at about the same time that were sick of being single, I just find humor in that personally.

Another thing that I find a great deal of humor in is why my friend has been out sick for three days. She has acid reflex. She has been out of school for three days with a case of bad heartburn essentially. I mean, I wanna be out of school for three days. I expected her to eventually develop something like this due to the simple fact that she is a dramaqueen, she internalizes her emotions and her conditions. But I didn't expect it to be so soon, I mean come on acid reflex at age 16, what is this chick gonna do the rest of her life.

I need to write something, or at least edit some of the stuff that I have saved and put it up. I haven't written in a long while, I've just been doing alot of editing and putting stuff up. It's new stuff, or a least newer, but I wanna write something brand spanking new.

I want new music. I haven't had anything new in about three months and that's just too long for me. I need someone to burn me Cd's or let me borrow some, just something. I'm sick of listen... ]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12610128/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12610128/ Sun, 15 Apr 2007 18:56:19 PDT
Secondly, I suppose since I've had two people do poems for me that it would only be fair for me to give the opportunity to others, so the first ten people (if i even manage that) that comment in this journal will either get a poem or a photo to their specifications. This very well may take me forever to get all done... but I'm doing it anyway. So, let the commenting commence!!!

As always
love,
Lauren


oops... can't forget my penguin

1. meowingkindly
2. Yeshua-Knight
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12436485/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12436485/ Mon, 02 Apr 2007 20:02:19 PDT
I'm over crap. I'm also so sick of complaining here on dA. My journals are all simply composed of my problems at that particular moment, and there is so much more to me than just problems. Sure, my life isn't always the greatest, and yes I do sometimes have more than my fair share of crap to handle. But it isn't fair for me to just simply post my problems, it also isn't fair of me to expect my friends to help me solve my problems. I don't mind helping my friends with theirs, I actually enjoy doing so and feel like I'm doing something worthwhile when I help out others with whatever it maybe that they need.

So, I suppose I'm now making that part of my life completely one-sided, and I like it that way. Sure, I'll keep a few people (ok like two, and you know who you are) to help me out with things when I need them to, but other than that my life is closed off to everyone else. Now, for me this is like completely monumental, but I've reached a place in my life where everything is changing, but also where my sister has claimed that I do things simply for attention. This proclamation came after I told her that I was contemplating suicide, which isn't exactly the reaction that you anticipate when you tell someone something like that. So, that hurt a lot and I realized the only way people can hurt you to that extent is if you let them. So, I'm just not letting anyone in anymore, that way they can't hurt me. I'm a great actress, no one sees through me anyway, I'll just fake it the rest of the way. However, she did have a point, just not the right one (if that makes any sense). I do think I do have things in my life I do for love, so that I know that I am loved, but simply for attention, I don't think I do...

As I have grown up, even when I was like three, I always have lost my innocence only to have to go find it and fight for it. I evidently will be doing that forever. Today hasn't been the absolute greatest, until about 9pm. I did something I hadn't done in months, I started dancing in the shower. I was singing along to my shower radio dancing to this song by Macy Gray, then got out wrapped myself in a towel like my mom did for me when I was little and started dancing again to "I think I'm turning Japanese" (absolutely awesome song by the way). I missed the carefreeness I had, but I found it again. I also painted a lot today. I absolutely love to paint, I never knew it until today actually, but I do. It's my new thing.

But between dancing in the shower and painting today, I've realized I lost so much since January. Somewhere along the way, I got caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and forgot who I am. So, I'm taking Spring Break to find out who I am again. Which involves thinking, which until this point has never really ended up good, because when I think I search out for my faults. Then I find them, try and change them, when sometimes they don't even exist. So, it's a very delicate balance that I kinda have to get perfectly worked out this week, I'll be working on that one most definitely.

I am also finally happy. Finally happy with myself to be able to trust myself enough to make it through the most daunting, seemingly hopeless times. Whew, big sentence. My Dad decided to kinda break my heart and kill all of my hope this weekend; I don't generally have a good reaction to things like that. With that said, I will admit I had a very bad reaction to his sudden (or not so sudden) decision to make me stay with my Grandmother(who hates me for simply living) all of my spring break. He pretty much screwed my spring break completely over with that decision. However, I am not going to let his decisions (as stupid as they are) completely turn my life upside-down. I suppose I am taking lemons and making lemonade in a completely hopeless situation. But that woman, that decision, is not worth wasting my life over. I have done stupid things, almost done other stupid things, over the decision that my father keeps making again and again. I simply can not handle him doing it again and it affect me in the ways in which it has already, so I won't let it. He too will have to be pushed away from my heart. I hate that I am doing that, but I know no other way to survive.

Because I am truly happy. I am happy with myself. I am happy with who I am and that never happens all at once. I'm not that pleased with my life no, but I do accept the fact that I am only 16 and that I hopefully have a good 60 years for things to change. The fact that I am turning 18 in about a year in a half will change a lot as well. OMG, I'll be 18 in a year in a half!!!! That just kinda sunk in(lol). I'm growing up.

I am also no longer waiting. I've waited for so long for everyone else to hurry up and catch up, for peop... ]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12377301/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12377301/ Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:09:06 PDT
This week has been surprisingly great all week, up until now at least, but I'll explain that in a minute. I went to work with my Aunt on Monday which I always love doing. She works at a hospital and I just love being up there with all the patients and nurses. The doctors and nurses up there love me, I'm their "Little Girl". Even one of the Chief Residents up there, one of the heads of the Transplant Center love me to death... And he hates everyone. The rest of the week has been non-dramatic (a rare first), and very calm. I like it that way, less stress and time to freak out about things. Less crying people as well.

I applied to Governor's School in early January. We were supposed to get our acceptance/rejection letters starting April 1st. April 1st is Sunday, which meant that I wouldn't get the letter until sometime during Spring Break. Well, they sent them out early. I didn't get in. My greatest fear right now is that my best friend, my sister, did.

Now, before everyone goes thinking shouldn't I be happy for her, let me explain. I will be happy for her, very very very happy. I'll be so proud of her that she got in and is able to go. I know that getting in would mean the world to her. I will support her the entire way through her journey there. I will be available to her as absolutely as much as is humanly possible.

However, it would also mean that she's leaving me. She will be moving about 100 miles away, 9 out of 12 months of the year. I will essentially be losing my best friend, my sister, the other half of me. I honestly don't know how I will deal with losing her, I don't know if I will be able to.

I at this point can't stop crying, because I don't know what I'm gonna do if I lose her.

But anyways hope everyone is doing great and has a great rest of the week!!! (it's a penguin{hehehehe})

As always
,
Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12283924/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12283924/ Thu, 22 Mar 2007 12:55:23 PDT day has just pretty much proved itself to be one of those weeks. I knew things were way to great to last for long. I just so happened to be right, why can't I ever prove myself wrong?
So, pretty much this journal entry is gonna consist of me crying and complaining. More or less a good bit of ranting and raving too! As well as me talking to myself, and yes I do talk to myself sometimes. (It's what keeps me semi-sane) So, don't say that I didn't warn you!
Monday
So, it started Monday when my friend Paul grabbed the wrong cd for my Spanish project. We'll actually it started before that, I never really went to bed on Sunday night/Monday morning, then the spagetti fell in the truck and rolled under my Dad's leg while he was driving cause him to cuss and complain. I get to my Grandmother's where she shines a light in my eyes at 5:30 in the morning. Have I ever mentioned I get dressed in the dark? That the first light I see on a school morning is the one on the bus? Well, it is, so a flashlight directly in my eyes 30 minutes before usual isn't on the list of things that I like. Then my bus is late, not just a little late, but 40 whole fucking minutes late, and it's like, lets see...oh 45 degrees outside at the most and I have on a crappy jacket. So, then after that I get to school take my Algebra test which wasn't the best, but I still got a 92 on it so I suppose I can deal with it. My art stuff is due on Tuesday, so I work through that. Then World History my grade isnt the best right now, so I'm having issues with that. Then at lunch I took the cd that Paul burned for me and my partner and it doesnt work. So i go straight to his chemistry class cause i knew he wouldnt be at lunch and there he was(am i good or what?) He comes with my partner and I and then realizes that he doesnt have the right cd. So, at that point i virtually have a mental breakdown in the middle of my spanish teachers classroom during lunch. But we didnt have to do the skit that day, we got to wait until Wed. when we had the correct cd. So, in a way it was good he forgot the cd. Then I dealt with the basic Dad drama that I've been dealing with lately.
Tuesday
Tuesday morning was a little bit better, I think, I slept that night some, not quite sure, everything kinda starts to merge after awhile. But still that day was ok, I suppose. Then I get home and I'm bored should be doing my homework but instead I'm messing around on myspace and come across a comment from my "best friend" that says and I quote
"Mar 15 2007 10:09P
Yeah, Lauren's single. But I wouldn't go after her if I were
you. She doesn't like to get into guys too much. You
wouldn't find too much with her, ya know?"

So, I read that and honestly, yea, my feelings are really hurt. Because that can be taken two different ways, 1. that I'm a lesbian(which I'm not) or 2. that I'm not worth someone's time or effort, that I'm not a great person to be around. So, with that said, my feelings are hurt. Then I tell my two best friends that and the both say pretty much the same thing. That she's crazy and that they can't believe that she did that. And honestly, neither can I. For once, she really really really shocked me. Later that night, I call her read the comment and hang up. Well, that just really pisses her off evidently, so she calls and texts saying "thanks for giving me a chance to explain myself..." I being upset and slightly(ok, alot) bitchy text back saying "my voicemail is always at your service". Now that, that sets her off completely and she calls back and tells me that "I'm sick of dealing with all your CRAP... your a bitch... your not with this... that she has a full plate... and that she cant believe were fighting again" Which, really makes me madder. And I must admit, I'm not a nice person when I'm mad. and I've gotten to the point that I don't like people that know about me being mad at me, people who dont know/like me in the first place dont matter, but my friends do. So I text back and clear up the whole situation and take pretty much all the blame for everything. Which was really stupid, cause i didnt really any do anything except read her what she wrote and tell her that my voicemail is at her service. So, we go from there...
Wednesday
I took my world history test that i again blanked on. i have had very little sleep at this point and fell asleep with my face in my book sometime around 2-3ish(i get up at 5:30 on a normal day), the night before. i knew the moment that i turned it in that i didnt do well. then at lunch, i realize that i forg... ]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12196656/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12196656/ Thu, 15 Mar 2007 16:55:27 PDT , its a penguin!!!!!!

So, after thinking about my gallery being hidden for about a week I realized that I infact did like it. But I didn't like that people couldn't critique my work. I'm werid, I know it too, but I like it when people critique my work, me, my life, anything that has in any way, shape, or form to do with me. I know, I'm crazy. But I've discovered in this life, that the only way to get better is to get feedback from those around you. So, my gallery is back up, for now at least... I want people to tell me what they think, but more importantly, I want them to be honest. Even if it is a simple "I don't like this poem." Or a "This is really pretty." Critiquing something doesn't mean you have to be a literary expert, it simply means that you have an opinion. And that is something that ALL people DO have. So, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, don't not critque something simply because you don't think that your expeirenced enough to do so. Say what you feel, what you think. I promise you won't hurt my feelings and if you do I WILL get over it.

Now onto other things...

My life has been pretty calm these last few days. I like it that way too, but it does scare me. I'm just waiting for something really really huge to go wrong about now because in my life nothing ever stays perfect for too long. But until then, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet that I can be in.

I got a hair cut on Wednesday. Or more acurately, I got my hair "all chopped off" as many people have put it. It definitely was a drastic change, but I've wanted to cut it for about six months and now just seemed like the time. Because my life is changing, alot of things in my life are becoming really different. Good different, but different nonetheless. I generally hate change, I absolutely loathe it. But for some reason it's different this time, I'm enjoying the changes happening in my life. The fact that they are all good and things I have been looking forward to for a very long time does in fact help, but again nonetheless.

My grades are finally going up!!!! I'm soo exteremly happy. My lowest grade is a 90, well actually my four lowest grades are 90's. And my highest(the only other class) is a 93. Their steadily going up, which is really something I'm super happy about. My body on the other hand isn't to pleased with the sudden lack of sleep and the sudden excessive amounts of caffenine(yes i know its spelled wrong, but I'm starting to think i like it better that way.. werid, yes i know). But my grades are worth more to me then my health(in a strange way).

But yea, that's an update for everyone...

As always
Much love,
Lauren

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12117821/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12117821/ Mon, 12 Mar 2007 14:14:21 PDT
Please don't be mad...

EDIT: Ok, I guess I got what I deserved with my disappearing act. I was locked out of my account for three days. I just got back in today. I'm SOOO happy.

Though things will stay hidden, all except a few pieces, personally I think my work sucks. Like majorly sucks, and the lack of feedback I get helps with proving my point. As does all the comments that have been made about my poetry sucking lately.
So, this isn't just me having another moment. And friends of mine deleting there stuff isn't helping. Because they are like a poet god, when they delete their stuff then like someone else said, mine shouldnt even be recognized in the English language. Cause, I haven't really like anything I've written in a LONG while, but hey...

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12015528/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/12015528/ Thu, 01 Mar 2007 15:25:12 PST
What went wrong:
1. I woke up to my Dad yelling at me, then I got yelled at about wearing flip-flops because it was supposed to rain today.
2. One of my best friend's who just broke up with her boyfriend of two years is completely obessed with another guy, who might ask her out sometime this weekend. Sorry, but I've known this guy for most of my life. A. He is bad news in general. B. I think he's absouletly butt ugly(And I'm not the only one with these opinions).
3. I don't understand any of my math and I have a quiz tomorrow that I'm going to fail. My grade can't afford to drop any more than it already has, and yet it is continously dropping.
4. I failed my art test, miserably majorly failed it.
5. I have art homework that totally isn't gonna be finished by tomorrow and that grade can't afford to drop any more than it already has.
6. ALL of my grades keep dropping. I have a slight case of perfectionism, B's are not good for my health or my life. When I get B's I start to lose sleep and fall back into bad habits that I don't need to be falling into.
7. My world history teacher wants me to do this public speaking thing that I'm not sure that I CAN do. My grade in there is also dropping significantly, her pop quizes are killing me.
8. My lunch table sucks. There is no one there to actually have a conversation with and not get chewed out or bitched at. And the one person that should be there to talk to is sick.
9. I failed my computer test. I can't fail computer I'm like so close to flipping out about that class.
10. I don't understand a damn word that my spanish teacher speaks. I have a grade that sucks, and is slowly getting lower with each passing day. I need help in that class, but I can't stay because I have to ride the bus and don't have a ride after school.
11. My dad is currently yelling at me because I am on the computer, he WANTS to go to work. I really don't want him to go. Wait, gotta listen for a sec. Oh, lovely, it has just been raised to my knowledge that I am a "Lazy, inconsiderate, and stupid." Lovely, another set of compliments to add to my day. My grandmother took the first set into her own hands.
12. I really want/need to talk to my best friend, but that person won't answer their phone.
13. I have too much to do and not enought time in the day to do it, nor do I have the focus right now.

My day just sucks, this song has been my motto since I got on the bus this morning:
"It Sucks to Be Me" Avenue Q

KATE MONSTER
Morning, Brian!

BRIAN
Hi, Kate Monster.

KATE MONSTER
How's life?

BRIAN
Disappointing!

KATE MONSTER
What's the matter?

BRIAN
The caterine company
laid me off.

KATE MONSTER
Oh, I'm sorry!

BRIAN
Me too! I mean, look at me!
I'm ten years out of college, and I
always thought -

KATE MONSTER
What?

BRIAN
No, it sounds stupid.

KATE MONSTER
Aww, come on!

BRIAN
When I was little
I thought I would be...

KATE MONSTER
What?

BRIAN
A big comedian
on late night TV
But now I'm thirty-two
And as you can see
I'm not

KATE MONSTER
Nope!

BRIAN
Oh Well,
It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER
Nooo.

BRIAN
It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER
No!

BRIAN
It sucks to be broke
and unemployed
and turning thirty-three.
It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER
Oh, you think your life sucks?

BRIAN
I think so.

KATE MONSTER
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty
And pretty damn smart.

BRIAN
You are.

KATE MONSTER
Thanks!
I like romantic things
Like music and art.
And as you know
I have a gigantic heart
So why don't I have
A boyfriend?
Fuck!
It sucks to be me!

BRIAN
Me too.

KATE MONSTER
It sucks to be me.

BRIAN
It sucks... ]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/11830523/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/11830523/ Thu, 15 Feb 2007 14:24:17 PST Other than coughing up my lungs and continously trying to catch my nose, I am doing very good, oddly. I am also very glad that I didn't have to go to school today, because evidently my best friends(their bf/gf) had a fight, which although is nothing new this one was absolutely HUGE!!!!!! Like I give them very little time left, because they both.... Let's just say their not working out very well. So, I get to deal with her drama as I lie in bed(or sitting at my computer) essentially dying. My life always works out just perfectly. I am however willing to deal with this, because now I am dying: I don't have to be sympathetic, I don't have to answer my phone, I don't have to be at school pretending that this is my number one priority(wow I sound like a complete ass here, hopefully this is just the drugs talking), I don't have face the awkwardness of tomorrow, Monday, or Tuesday!!!!, I don't have to watch our group disentagrate before my very eyes. I suppose I'm lucky to have the flu right now, I get to skip the drama, both at school and home. YEAH!!!!
Though these hot/cold flashes are so not worth this. Anyways.... I will get better eventually, and now I have time to put up some stuff I've been working on. YEAH!!!! Well, that's all for now.

Until...

prettyinpink03

]]> ~prettyinpink03 http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/11713847/ http://prettyinpink03.deviantart.com/journal/11713847/ Tue, 06 Feb 2007 17:59:37 PST
Writing in a journal that the entire world is able to see though quite intimadating, is liberating. I feel freer(Is that a word?) being able to express myself somewhere.
Um... I write mostly poetry; generally I don't think what I write is that great, but because others disagree with me, I'll trust their opinions and take a chance. Please feel free to critque any of my stuff, I not only welcome it but completely appreicate it.
I'm sorta crazy, but I promise I'm sane. (If that makes any sense at all.) Here, let me put it this way, I am no crazier than anyone else, well... maybe a little, but that's besides the point.
My life at the moment is pretty crazy. I have some of the absolute awesomest friends that anyone in this world could ever ask for, they are by far the greatest.
So, that is me in a nutshell for now.

Until next time...

prettyinpink03

]]> ~prettyinpink03