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]]> ~pro-amateur http://pro-amateur.deviantart.com/journal/6330209/ http://pro-amateur.deviantart.com/journal/6330209/ Sun, 09 Oct 2005 18:15:11 PDT Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just go away and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

6. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

7. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

8. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

16. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

20. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.



Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Grimace painfully while smaking your forehead and muttering: "shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?".

4. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

5. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

7. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!".

8. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

9. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"



Jokes
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"


Qantas Gripe Sheet.
<sub>After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance Complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.</sub>

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can not reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: ~pro-amateur