http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:quietboy&section=today deviantART RSS for by:quietboy en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:47:15 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/27992696/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/27992696/ Tue, 27 Oct 2009 10:27:45 PDT
Divorce is painstakingly awful...(as I'm sure some of you know...) and I'm finding it quite difficult to ajust to all that is, and there is no good reason to go outside anymore; Plus, it is getting cold.

Pink Floyd is like Lays potato chips. You can't have just one...I've NEVER just listened to ONE Pink Floyd song at a time...I don't think it's possible.

Dr. Who...YAY!!! (What else is there to say on that subject.)

Can't wait for the SCREAM 2009 awards to come on tonight. The year before last I missed them as I was sharing a rather inappropriate kiss with someone I most likely should not have been kissing in a rather dank and dirty laundry room (Regrets...NONE. She was an amazing kisser.) and last year, I simply did not have cable. Things like this excite me.

There are some very pretty things and people on this planet...however, they are just nice to look at, and good for subjects.

I discovered an amazing talent for song writing in my bandmate recently. I am all aflitter. (it's a word...yep.)

I need a new camera.

I have been writing very much lately.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/27255132/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/27255132/ Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:43:41 PDT

A
- Available: sigh...yep.
- Age: 22
- Annoyance: ignorant folks and liars
- Allergic: nothing I know of...
- Animal: I like cats
- Actor: Kat Dennings makes my heart swell.
B
- Beer: used to ease the pain
- Birthday: December 22nd 1986
- Best Friend: that bottles been empty for awhile
- Body Part on opposite/same sex: stomachs and thighs
- Blind or Deaf: love makes you blind
- Best weather: fall
- Been in Love: hurts
- Been bitched about?: well, I do have a quota to meet apparently
- Been on stage?: yes...better parts of my life
- Believe in yourself?: when the moment calls
- Believe in life on other planets: ofcourse. to think we're it is just damn ignorant.
- Believe in miracles: the microwave is a miracle. yes...yes I do.
- Believe in Magic: it's all around us.
- Believe in God: yes
- Believe in Satan: yes
- Believe in Santa: yes
- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: yes
- Believe in Evolution: yes

C
- Car: eventually
- Candy: try not to, but I do indulge my cravings on occassion
- Cake or pie: pie

D
- Day or Night: night
- Dream vehicle: mazda or old school mustang
- Danced: only when no ones looking
- Dance in the rain?: in my heart
- Dance in the middle of the street?: in my head

E
- Eggs: really runny
- Eyes: dark and sad
- Everyone has: choices
- Ever failed a class?: yep

F
- First crush: Micaela Smith. 2nd Grade.
- Full name: Deondre Lemar Holmes
- First thoughts waking up: what time is it?
- Food: doesn't seem necessary these days

G
- Greatest Fear: failure
- Gum: I get too imaptient with it.
- Get along with your parents?: I try

H
- Hair color: growing
- Height: 5'5
- Happy: was
- Holidays: remind you of failure and loneliness
- How do you want to die: quickly and as soon as possible
- Hate: Myself.

I
Idiot: honestly, don't think I've ever used that word.

J
- Jewelry: ...
- Job: ...

K
- Kids: ...
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal?: yeah

L
- Longest Car Ride: 19 hours
- Love: music
- Letter: write em. never send em.
- Laughed so hard you cried: can't remember
- Love at first sight: show me a lil attention, it happens

M
- Milk flavor: banana
- Movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
- Mooned anyone?: yes, and was afterwards bitten, and then there was sex.
- Marriage: ...
- Motion sickness?: sometimes
- McD's or BK: depends on my mood

N
- Number of siblings: 13 1/2...still counting. Yay dad...
- Number of piercings: 2
- Number: 8

O
- Overused phrases: lol
- One wish: to be nothing and nowhere
- One phobia: ...nothing comes to mind.

P
- Place you'd like to live: Bristol maybe...a book on heroin addiction romanticized it inh my youth
- Pepsi/Coke: coke
Q
- Quail: heh heh...I miss Doug.
- Questionnaires: depends on the questions.

R
- Reason to cry: existence
- Reality T.V.: so fucking addictive.
- Radio station: lastfm?
- Roll your tongue in a circle?: not with this big metal ball in my mouth

S
- Song: whatever gets me through.
- Shoe size: 10-11 depending on the shoe.
- Sushi: yum
- Skipped school: yep
- Slept outside: had too. I was in love.
- Seen a dead body?: yep. changes you a lil.
- Smoked?: quit. cold turkey.
- Skinny dipped?: yep. great day that was.
- Shower daily?: it's necessary.
- Sing well?: wouldn't know.
- In the shower?: yes. followed by crying and masturbation, then head and shoulders.
- Swear?: too much. working on that.
- Stuffed animals?: fuck you. they're my friends.
- Single/Group dates: I don't date.
- Strawberries/Blueberries: cherries.
- Scientists need to invent: time machines.

T
- Time for bed: when everything hurts.
- Thunderstorms: make me happy and sad at the same time.
- Touch your tongue to your nose?: never could. don't stop me from trying.

U
- Unpredictable: to some.
- Understanding?: I try, and often fail...but I try.

V
- Vegetable you hate: peas
Vegetable you love: spinach
- Vacation spot: phillipines
W
- Weakness: I am my weakness
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: no one
- Worst weather: Summer heat or Winter's cold rain
- Walk with a book on... ]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/27064213/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/27064213/ Sun, 06 Sep 2009 22:45:51 PDT [link]

mostly cause I'm bored, and online all the f*cking time. my heart hurts alot. My puppy died yesterday. I was gonna bury her at dusk, but I dug up the cable line when I was digging which almost ended really badly. My roomate suggested we stop, and wait to call the city first. (If I had listened to others, Bella's corpse would be in the dupster at some apartments right now, but there's no way in hell I will have her body disgraced in such a way.)

this month blows.
Does anyone know of any place dark and stormy I could move too?

sunlight has become depressing.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/27027936/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/27027936/ Sat, 05 Sep 2009 03:49:24 PDT

1. Where is your cell phone?
never more than a foot away

2. Boyfriend/girlfriend?
no

3. Your hair?
growing

5. Your mother?
OK

6. Your favorite thing?
music

7. Your dream last night?
I'm awake at night, my morning dreams are disarming

8. Your favorite drink?
juice

9. Your dream car/vehicle?
50's Mustang convertible

10. The room you're in?
crowded

11. You are?
unenthused

12. What do you wαnt to be in 10 yeαrs ?
free

13. Who did you hang out with last night?
a friend

14. What you're not?
happy

15. Muffin?
yes, with french vanilla ice cream please?

16. An item you wanted for Christmas?
just alot of hugs

17. Where is the love?
the bottom of a bottle? in a lap dance? under me, on the mattress in a dirty hotel room, in a raunchy party of town? I don't even know anymore...maybe in a newborns eyes...

18. The last thing you did?
brood

19. What are you wearing?
TRIPP and a Sonic blue shirt

20. Your TV?
never used

21. Your pets?
dying

22. Your computer?
by bestest friend

23. Your life?
mediocre at best

24. Your mood?
disenchanted

25. Missing?
sex, love, toast with light butter and jam

26. What are you thinking about right now?
the taste of white wine

27. Your car?
in the future

28. Your work?
non-existent

29. Your summer?
wasted

30. Your Relationship Status
-shrugs-

31. Your favorite color?
grey

32. When is the last time you laughed?
earlier while watching an old episode of Buffy

33. Last time you cried?
bought an hour ago

34. Friends?
all I've got

35. Miss someone right now?
yes...

36. Ever been in Hawaii?
don't remember

40. Last thing you ate?
brownie sundae

41. Last person you talked to?
some twenty something named Hannah about the "rules of engagement" in non exclusives

42. Last non-family member you talked to?
see 41.

43. Last person you saw?
my roomie

44. Last non-family member you saw?
roomie

45. Your best friend?
bottled water at the moment. I am thirsty

46. Your favorite food?
noodles

47. Your favorite movie?
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

48. Do you have a crush on someone right now?
I don't do crushes...

49. Did this take too long?
not long enough...

sigh...anywho, played some bass tonight. Was relaxing. I have another awkward day to stumble through ahead of me I believe, so awkwardly...people are nuking futz, you know? Sick of random pop ups. past should be past, and forwards should be ahead of us. I'm learning to live it one day at a time, and only look an hour ahead..maybe.

mayhaps this is goodnight.

...goodnight.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/26852382/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/26852382/ Thu, 27 Aug 2009 08:22:04 PDT Recenties include:

-PAYDAY is today...meaning mayhaps a new camera, an all day at the movies for me tomorrow, the reactivation of my Blockbuster, or Hollywood Video account, the paying of a loan, and eventually the reactivation of a bank accout, as well as the eventual paying off of the "PHONE BILL FROM HELL" simply to reaquaint myself with "THE SMARTPHONE OF GLORY" which contains all of my Silent Hill ringtones I so desperately miss being serenaded by...(However, I don't talk to nearly as many people now, and will talk to even less once it's activated...meh...)

-according to my media player, I have been listening to alot of ACDC...however, I've REALLY been listening to alot of Kill Hanna, Coheed and Cambria, t.A.T.u., (and ofcourse...) the Smashing Pumpkins, and Kylie Minogue. It has been soothing me.

-I haven't been practicing as much as I'd like, nor had any meetings with the other bandmate, but recently a Houston band came into the store, (I was able to get one to by the first installment of the Marver Civil War, which I believe he will undoubtfully enjoy) and said, "Keep at it." Which was actually super inspiring...that and my midnight run listening to Dir en Grey and D'espairs Rays.

-I have been running.

- has her comic "THE GOD MACHINE" coming out soon, and I do believe that if you have not been privy to her phenominal artwork that you give her a look. I'm very excited for her, and also inspired to finally get on the ball with LORE.

- has had some very yummy pieces recently. Would be delightful if I could find someone local like this to work with.

-Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist is still like the most delightful movie ever.

-I have begun playing World of Warcraft again.

-I am growing out my hair

-I am still awkward.

enough for recentcies, and onto my general well being...I could be worse.

Enjoying the new responsibilities that come with my work promotion. Am attempting to catch up on reading, my workings with the craft, drawing, writing, etc...sad attempts at a social life. le sigh.

But on a good note, I am becoming ever more okay with the fact that I am abnormal, and extremely unadjusted to society.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/26492694/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/26492694/ Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:54:45 PDT
I made shrimp scampi tonight. came out great. Apparently, I still got it.

You know how it's said "You never know how beautiful a woman really is until you see her naked." There's a lot of truth to that. It brings out a certain...glow. Anywho...

Is Amanda Palmer sexy, or what? (What being some other word to better describe her like...uber-sexy!)

Listening to Lily Allen now. It's relaxing. Gonna poke at Haseo tonight. Like Ren said..."I simply played until I became good. I wasn't born with a natural talent."

This'll be my last week working at JC Penny. I am happy. Feels like I'm finally kinda starting to move forward now too. I shall be able to see again soon within a weeks time. I am excited.

I got a Zune. This pleases me.

I have been sexless for quite some time...so I have started running again.

Nuvo is disgusting...however, chugging a bottle in ten minutes to ignore that fact will still get you fucked up as you will forget that it IS vodka. True story.

I don't feel so dead these days...I do at some point want to figure out how I can start cursing less. Sigh...

Been drawing. Supplies are expensive...and now for the tease, as I reveal the name of my secret project..."LORE"
Look for it soon...lol...sketches and such anyway...

So I've learned...life really is a bitch. But so long as you have access to music, some snacks, and some homies...you can forget that bitch pretty easy.

Hope all...

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/26287698/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/26287698/ Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:32:10 PDT
Here is my honesty as my gift...(as only I can give it.)

I finally have my dream job. A bookseller at Borders at the same mall where I work at JC Penney's. My crew is composed of an amazing cast of wonderful characters. Becca, my boss. Beautiful multicultural Goddess, and accomplished writer, rich in knowledge, and life itself, vivacious enough to instill a since of romanticism, and calm in my being whenever I am in her presence. The wonderful Lady Erin, the Asst Manager. Gaming, Tech, and Net extroadinaire. beautiful in the way that Thora Birch was in Ghost World, and Bee was in Ginger Snaps. Always a friend in my quest for food, and mischief. There are others...but meh. I am the only penis amongst them, and rarely feel alienated. However, there is trouble as I may soon have to choose between taking a pay raise and more responsibility, as apposed to working both jobs. Le sigh...

One of my ex's is writing again, and this is in my mind because I remember some years ago reading something she had written, something she didn't like that she had written (when everything else of hers I'd read had left me feeling barren), and (to be blunt) her words made me want to ravish her. I believe she has talent, and am excited for her future.

My "wife" and her son have moved to California. Where this'll go, I do not know...plans for the big "D" are left up to fate as well...

I have for the past several weekends sat at home, or been to work even on my off days as I have been constantly stood up on dates. I believe the movies have it all wrong when they portray this happening often to women as my number stands at 16, including earlier this evening.

I have acquired a bass guitar. "Haseo", and violinist for a band I am forming which still does not have a name...or any other musicians at the moment. However, when I know something, so shall all of you.

My "sister" is an idiot. I'm not sure what else to say, and seeing as how I didn't plan on saying that, I'm sure I feel it to be the truth. I'm not sure if I know what she wants, or if she even knows, but I don't have time to wait for abuse anymore, so my aim is simply to move forward, and walk only with those that would walk with me.

I may or my not have decided to become an alcoholic again, as it inspires me to write, draw, play, paint, and fuck like no muse or love I've had ever has before. I like vodka.

I love zombies. A perfect date for me includes some light yet yummy food, George A. Romero, and some heavy petting and making out followed by possible continuous fornication, wet, sloppy, and the way we humans should have kept doing it from the get go.

I hope to someday have that date.

I hope to have it soon.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/26223140/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/26223140/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 23:37:40 PDT
Ten things I wish I could say to people:

1. I really don't care.
2. I love you...now go away.
3. I don't want to talk to you anymore. You're nothing good, and I actually do hate you a little.
4. So why did you leave?
5. Are you REALLY happy?
6. You can't convince me any different. it is what it is.
7. I'm tired of feeling sorry for you. It's not worth it anymore.
8. You need to figure out what you want...and I won't be around when that happens.
9. I just want to go to sleep.
10. The answer is still yes...but it doesn't matter anymore.

Nine things about myself:

1. I pick the green floaty things out of my ramen noodles seasoning packets.
2. I have an overactive visual imagination.
3. I have stockholm syndrome.
4. I don't like to repeat myself.
5. I can't stand to eat whole apples ever since I engorged myself as a tike and vomited for a day.
6. I have a hard time saying no if I can't really think of a reason why not.
7. I like to drink...alot. I actually can't afford the amount of liquor it would take to satisfy my lust for the habit.
8. I have a hard time lying...I get stomach aches, headaches, and if I do, I always tell the truth right after, especially if asked.
9. I use food for comfort.

Eight ways to win my heart:

1. Smile at me.
2. Love me, or at least pretend, and make me believe it
3. be free
4. live your life your way
5. have a drink with me
6. talk to me, and find a common ground
7. sleep with me
8. text me a few times a day

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. "This too shall pass."
2. how sad I am
3. I really should practice more
4. "What the hell happened?"
5. I wonder if I should touch it...
6. I wonder when this'll end...
7. I'm hungry

Six things I do before I fall asleep:

1. play with myself
2. play with Haseo
3. brush my teeth
4. stare at my cieling
5. pier into the darkness
6. remove my socks

Five places I want to visit:

1. Naples, Italy
2. Bristol, England
3. Seattle, Washington
4. wherever RaRa is in the Phillipines
5. JAPAN

Four things I'm wearing right now:

1. Pinstripe Hoodie
2. a drunken smile
3. black socks
4. blue jeans

Three bands that I listen to often:

1. Taking Back Sunday
2. The Birthday Massacre
3. Maximum the Hormone

Two things I want to do before I die:

1. get published
2. produce an album

One confession:

1. I dream often of being kissed.



There are no tags, but I hope you'll do this. Make sure you put: "Stolen from the Silver Tongued Devil"re

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/25726299/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/25726299/ Fri, 03 Jul 2009 23:56:41 PDT
I'm tipsy, and suck at interacting with people. Seems lately the females I'm close to either fight with me or cry...and I'm too apathetic as of late to argue...which typically leads to tears. (DOG...I WILL KICK YOU!!!) A friend of mine had zombie dreams of me...this made me smile. I love zombies...and dreams...and stuff.

A remake of Stephen King's IT...rated R...done by Warner Bros. How does everyone feel about this?

I'm wobbly, which means the liquor has reached my brain, plus I just mispelled the previous "the" four times, so I think I should be off now. "Project" under way. Love you. Love everybody right now. Potstickers and orgasmes for the masses.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/25341663/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/25341663/ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 00:15:59 PDT
I actually have been sleeping.

I've gotten about six hours of sleep in the last two days which is monumental for me (which those of you who've spoken to me in the last month know) I have decided to cut alot of red meat out of my diet.

I was told today at Borders that I need to "get a life", and that if I purchase one more book, or let one more weekend go by where my reply to "What did you do this weekend?" is either "Nada", "Nothing really", "Did some reading, and a bit of writing", or "Looked for a second job", I am going to be subject to an intervention. I actually haven't gone to a movie in awhile though, so perhaps I will partake in this.

I am currently "homeless." (without home of my own) and am crashing with an old homie until I can find a sufficient place. I need a roomate. I have a place in mind, but it is 500 a month for rent, which is way out of my price range given the 500 dollar deposit. I am searching for someone with similar interest, mostly because given the conditions and baggage that I do have, I would like that the fact that I am deemed "strange" or "weird" by societal standards to not affect the living arrangements of said roomate...(plus, a horror movie buddie would be cool.) A plutonic, film loving, darkling(female), or a cool, artist, musician(male) would be ideal, but in the long run, someone reliable, that pays rent, and respects space would be a perfect match.

Also, I got in contact with the World's Oldest Tattoo School here in Shreveport, and found out it will essentially only cost me 1700 dollars to become a certified and licensed body piercer. THAT'S RIGHT!!! So a year from now, yours truly will be able to complete one of his life long dreams of being able to LEGALLY force metal objects into peoples flesh for a profit. Sigh(happy sigh) This thought truly does make this one happy. I plan to use my taxes money to pay for it, and then since it's a three day course, just take off for three days, and VOILA!!! Hopefully they'll be a shop around here hiring, or at least I can take up an apprenticeship. YAY!!!

I'm looking forward to coming back too. Kinda blah by the lack of contact, but my writing is becoming crispier, and the arts are looking nice, and I'm having more faith in Evil Eyes actual making it's mark in the industry at some point.

Porn seems to be getting more and more entertaining. Not in the sext way either, but in the...HAHAHA kinda way.

I want to eat lo mein noodles...but instead, I will eat more popsicles as it is late...err...early. I actually have to get up for work in three hours. Surprised they're actually giving me more hours. Like..REALLY surprised. I'm expecting to see demon bunnies roaming the streets, and dragons tomorrow, I'm so surprised. (sigh..and my initial gear will be comprised of Cargo Pants+3defense+2agility, Boxcutter+2strength, sneakers+4agility, and JC Penney's Shirt-37self esteem...sigh) Hope nothing awful comes from this...(I would have to level up with the Dragons first because as all RPG gamers know, ALL BUNNIES in ALL RPG'S are RABID DOOM BUNNIES starting off at level 1,983,647, and capable of killing you in one awkward hop.)

I like lettuce. Romaine lettuce to be exact, because there isn't really that big green spike in the middle like iceberg lettuce. Perhaps I should acquire salad at some point...eh, LATERZ!

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/25081317/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/25081317/ Tue, 02 Jun 2009 01:17:22 PDT (and not my everlost, loved acoustic guitar, but the lover she was named after...)

has returned. after a message, and a phonecall, I find myself standing at the mess of a pea pod we once shared seemingly so long ago. Everyhtin has changed...and nothing. I find myself brother to a sister once more...my feelings are indescribable.

I have not slept in a week for more than a cople hours in total. At first I thought this was due to the fact that I am obviously in "heat"...but now I believe there is another reason for it. I think it's time to finally write and draw this little project of mine I've kept secret for some years, and slowly bring it to light. I am so hungry right now. I want ramen...chicken flavor perhaps..with egg..but I don't have any eggs, so therefor...I am sad. Insomnia sucks...or maybe not. Sleep inables, so mayhaps I will get more done, you know?

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/24849271/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/24849271/ Wed, 20 May 2009 00:00:59 PDT
CHOOSE YOUR CHARACTER(i actually did this myself...)
NAME: Deondre L Holmes ["deedles"]
AGE: 22 years old [dead for 10 of them...]
RACE: cat
CLASS: stray
OCCUPATION: barely accoplished writer, retail slave, alcoholic
PLACE OF BIRTH: lawton, OK
WEOPON: sarcasm, quick wit, sharp tongue, ...generally has lots of metal portruding from cloths, garments and accessaries, [has tendency to throw things], and charm.
SPECIAL SKILLS: able to consume insanely large amounts of alcohol without dying, able to live in an almost constant state of misery, able to eat weight in food with minimal gain in mass, able to smile while expressing highly pessimistic views lacking any hope of change for better or improvement, able to tune out all elements of reality and block natural senses while entering nightmarish dream state, able to predict misfortune[as misfortune always occurs], able to wear make up and women's accesories and look cute despite apparent existence of male genetalia, able to listen to Elliott Smith AND Dashboard Confessional for hours in succession without taking own life, able to ramble mindlessly about nonsense while sounding intelligent and making nonsense seem important, can make the world vibrate when heavily intoxicated.
FEARS: repetition
GOAL: a means to an end...
STR: comes from the bottle, and inner turmoil/surpressed rage and angst
DEF: sarcasm, runs from crises
MAG: if you're drunk too
VIT: insides have rotted, so...not too good...
RARM: sleeve, glove, writing pen
LARM: glove, SMIRNOFF
HEAD: beanie(+3 VIT)
CHEST: hoodie(+10 DEF +10 VIT)
LEGS: steel toed combat boots(+PAIN TOWARDS YO ASS WHOOPIN BIATCH!)
ACC: mP3 player(+50 VIT), cell phone(+40VIT), bottle opener(-60 FRUSTRATION), pen(+10 STR)
LUCK: heh...heh heh heh...ha..ha ha...HAAHAH HAH......HAH HAH HAHA HAA HAA HAH!....HAAHH HAAHH HAAHH HAAHHH AHHHHH!!!
ULTIMATE ATTACK: "SUPER DEATH BALL OF GOTHY DOOM AND SOUL RAPAGE FROM THE GREAT BEYOND OF SORTS!!!"
DESCRIPTION: This is actually a non-playable character as he actually does not to aid your party in saving the world from "the great evil that will set the sky ablaze", because seeing the sky in such a way just may inspire him to paint again, and OH what a joy that would be, would it not?..however, if you ever wanna have a drink or something, feel free to give him a call.

Boredom...yay...

so...yep, all of the above was an actually blog entry from my myspace...seriously. here's the link even.

[link]

I don't just randomly make this stuff up...well...I do...I did...but not in the last 24 hours. Why am I still awake? maybe I should go running...into a car. yes...then I could sleep.

...

SLEEP...*said in snake-like seductive, nipple touchy voice*

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/24848777/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/24848777/ Tue, 19 May 2009 22:56:42 PDT I keep getting told that I am "out of it", feisty, or "not there." it is vexing. I haven't really been thinking about anything. On one hand, I am proud to have found. finally, a female companion that I have no sexual desire towards, and can accompany through intimate situationswithout fear of my labido, or persuasive mojo or energy damaging (enhancing...cough) the situation. I am proud of this...not too sure why, but proud. I have written 23 poems in the past two weeks.
For this I am also proud.
I stopped sleeping naked about three days ago. It felt unsettling. Maybe because I am not in a place that I could call home...then again..when am I ever?
There are many books out that I want to read. Comics mostly, but still. The SILENT HILL OMNIBUS being one. It consumed me for thirty five minutes at BAM today. (Books-A-Million for those who do not speak dre-linguo) I guess I have had things on my mind recently...hmm...I know that I do not ever want to go back to jail, and that I am tired of being a fantasy.

I moved out. I'm staying with a friend until repairs on my house are done. (things that could be inferred from prior text...blah...I make myself look stupid now.) Today I ate 23 slices of pizza. Alfredo with pepperoni, and mushroom chicken being the tastiest things to enter my mouth. CiCi's is yummy sometimes...cept I got dumped there...then again, if you're a mister (male version of a mistress for those who don't know dre-linguo), can you really be...dumped? I guess that's what I get for engaging with unavailiable women. I had a somewhat attractive tranny tell me I had a "sexy little ass" today. Did not like the ghetto fabulous style they were going for, but did acknowledge they were attractive as wel, and went along my merry way.

when people talk about sex, do you think about having sex with them?

like the shower thing my old pal told me when we were in 8th grade about how if you're on the phone with someone, and they tell you they are either in the shower, just got out of the shower, or are about to partake in showerly activites, you like...automatically picture them naked? I do. I can't lie...really? (lying makes my stomach hurt) Tell me you're in the shower, or just took one, I'm picturing you naked, can't help it. same with the sex thing though...

was at the mall...where I work. stopped by a shop to talk to a friend who went on about how she wants her tongue pierced. (I have mine done, but have yet to have used mine sexually to it's full potential...if at all really.) Conversation then went on to her someone bragging about her supposed phenominal "oral sorcery", and it was at that moment that this friend (whom I also had a fairly, ice skatish, plutonic relationship with) suddenly became like...beautifully animated, Japanese hentai, stroke inducing fantasia in the office. (my head or mind for those who don't know dre-linguo) it was like...whoa...enough. I totally missed my lunch because of what then became an interactive (and not in the Disney interactive kind of way) discussion about bodies, shackles, and mouth restraints, as well as riding crops, boots, and leather. my original intentions were just to acquire a burrito.

the new chicken soft tacos at Taco Hell are tasty. I like them. They are cheap and good. I like most things that way. food and liquor mostly. sometimes...what else is there to like?

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/24632447/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/24632447/ Thu, 07 May 2009 09:46:05 PDT
Send a heartbeat to
The void that cries through you
Relive the pictures that have come to pass
For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate

Is it bright where you are
And Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Delivered from the blast
The last of a line of lasts
The pale princess of a palace cracked
And now the kingdom comes
Crashing down undone
And I am a master of a nothing place
Of recoil and grace

Is it bright where you are
And Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Time has stopped before us
The sky cannot ignore us
No one can separate us
For we are all that is left
The echo bounces off me
The shadow lost beside me
There's no more need to pretend
Cause now I can begin again

Is it bright where you are
And Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its hate
Strange
Strange
Strange
(strange)
(strange)

Recently I've written much. These past few days, right before I get in the shower, poetry just seems to spill from me, from me onto the paper. I believe this may have to do with all of the energy work I've been doing in the shower these past few months. Talking to a former lover at the moment on the MSN. Have amazing memories with her trespassing in a wildlife refuge, and sleeping amongst bulls, and longhorns, loving on the mountainside above hawks nest. It's always nice to talk to old friends. I feel I've neglected some however with my random dissapearances, and trances that come and go.
I may start working part time at a laundromat. What adventures await in store? I found a nifty Japanese shop that sells the noodles and seasonings I like, as well as yummy candy and snacks. I believe I am out of thougts...too tired...want food.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/24151092/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/24151092/ Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:07:37 PDT
It comes and slowly stains my heart
That's been cold, all alone and so tightly closed
The sins are scattered everywhere
They're around me
I can't see it
It vainly comes just crashing down
In this sad and forgotten little town
The truth we tend to look the other way from lies down deep

I open out my wings of glass
Up and towards the wind melted future
So just please don't go
Please don't go
Be close to you

I lay my hand on top of the heavy and closed-out door and I pray
The lonely future left for me is one meaning of just living
It comes and slowly stains my heart
That's been cold, all alone and so tightly closed
The sins are scattered everywhere
They're around me
I can't see it
It vainly comes just crashing down
In this sad and forgotten little town
The truth we tend to look the other way from lies down deep

I open out my wings of glass
Up and towards the wind melted future
So just please don't go
Please don't go
Wanna be close to you
I'm now forgetting even the colors of your tears and love
So just please don't go
Please don't go
Holding on strong to what lies ahead

I bleed as my way of compensating everything to you
How heavy is blood?
Happiness and sadness lies too close

The hand of the child born tomorrow will be just pure and nothing else
I can barely see you with all these tears

I open out my wings of glass

Up and towards the wind melted future
So just please don't go
Please don't go
Wanna be close to you
I'm now forgetting even the colors of your tears and love
So just please don't go
Please don't go
Holding on strong to what lies ahead

The bells of reality rings out loudly from down deep within
And disappears along with all the wind

I've been hearing this song alot in my head...and mostly around sharp stuff, and always when I'm sad, and constantly with my socks in mind. I've been emotionally strange latley. Been listening to Audra, and alot of Depeche Mode. Been tired in random spells from all of the running...blah, Anyway, I've decided to switch to Bass. (finally) I want the quiet strength the instrument embodies in it's form. I'll shall let you all know how that goes.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/23778733/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/23778733/ Thu, 19 Mar 2009 11:39:24 PDT
His head was a city
Of paper buildings
And the echoes that remained
Of old friends and lovers
Their features bleeding
Together in his brain

And once it started was harder to
Tell them apart

He was always distracted
By the very mention
Of an open door
'Cause he had sworn not to be what he'd been before

To be a remain remain remain remainder [x2]

The television was snowing softly
As she hunted for her keys
She said she never envisioned him the type of person capable of such deceit

And they carried on like long division
And it was clear with every page
That they were further away from a solution that would play

Without a remain remain remain remainder [x4]

He had sworn not to be what he'd been before

To be the remain remain remain remainder [x6]

I am sitting here on the floor in the discount children's book section at Books-A-Million. I have not eaten or drank yet today. I left my ex's this morning trying my best not to argue with her on the way out, as I feel there is nothing left for us to argue about. I slept awful...I took an amazing shower yesterday in the dark by candlelight which was the highlight of my day. I was having an amazing conversation at the time with a homie I really wish was still here that stayed with me til I was asleep. I ate soup...I had alot of thoughts...and now I'm here.

You ever have a feeling? Like an emotion was locked in your head, and not your heart creating little lightning storms?

I can't seem to grasp a solid, defineable emotion at the moment, and my mind is sending Morris Code, saying that I don't want to. So I'm a little weirdy right now. I maybe just need to eat. I probably just need to sleep. I could maybe be in heat...sleep, heat, eat. Blah...been writing some erotica...guess I've been inspired, so I'll post some of that soon. I need a new guitar, but I've been thinking about switching to bass even though I won't. I can barely play guitar. I can play the beginning to "Kona Yuki" by Asian Kung-Fu Generation. I really want to start a band. My house is coming along...very slowly, but it's coming. It'll be a three bedroom in Bossier City, LA, and I'm looking for roomates...just cause and for alot of reasons. I will also soon get my cats. I am very happy about this.

Chicken. Bacon. Mushroom. Extra Cheese.
This pizza combo is the shit. Try it, or you will never know what fat kid heaven taste like. My gift to you all. The ultimate pizza.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/23691659/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/23691659/ Sat, 14 Mar 2009 10:09:04 PDT
Hey boy, take a look at me
Let me dirty up your mind
I'll strip away your hard veneer
And see what I can find

The queerest of the queer
The strangest of the strange
The coldest of the cool
The lamest of the lame
The numbest of the dumb
I hate to see you here
You choke behind a smile
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer

This is what he pays me for
I'll show you how it's done
You learn to love the pain you feel
Like father like son

The queerest of the queer
Hide inside your head
The blindest of the blind
The deadest of the dead
You're hungry cause you starve
While holding back the tears
Choking on your smile
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer

I know what's good for you (You can touch me if you want)
I know you're dying to (You can touch me if you want)
I know what's good for you (You can touch me if you want)
But you can't stop

The queerest of the queer
The strangest of the strange
The coldest of the cool
The lamest of the lame
The numbest of the dumb
I hate to see you here
You choke behind a smile
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer
The strangest of the strange
The coldest of the cool
You're nothing special here
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer

I know what's good for you
I know you're dying to
I know what's good for you
I bet you're dying to
You can touch me if you want
You can touch me if you want
You can touch me
You can touch me
But you can't stop.

I'm tired...and I no longer feel like being out of the house today.
Hopefully, some writing comes of this.

Luck and Love.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/23691597/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/23691597/ Sat, 14 Mar 2009 10:04:20 PDT
Hey boy, take a look at me
Let me dirty up your mind
I'll strip away your hard veneer
And see what I can find

The queerest of the queer
The strangest of the strange
The coldest of the cool
The lamest of the lame
The numbest of the dumb
I hate to see you here
You choke behind a smile
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer

This is what he pays me for
I'll show you how it's done
You learn to love the pain you feel
Like father like son

The queerest of the queer
Hide inside your head
The blindest of the blind
The deadest of the dead
You're hungry cause you starve
While holding back the tears
Choking on your smile
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer

I know what's good for you (You can touch me if you want)
I know you're dying to (You can touch me if you want)
I know what's good for you (You can touch me if you want)
But you can't stop

The queerest of the queer
The strangest of the strange
The coldest of the cool
The lamest of the lame
The numbest of the dumb
I hate to see you here
You choke behind a smile
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer
The strangest of the strange
The coldest of the cool
You're nothing special here
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer

I know what's good for you
I know you're dying to
I know what's good for you
I bet you're dying to
You can touch me if you want
You can touch me if you want
You can touch me
You can touch me
But you can't stop.

I can't help but reflect...
The words a friend said to me ring in my ears.
I was told that I should write now, as I churn out my best writing when I am most miserable.

In the past few months, I have...

seperated from the United States Military
Failed at my first attempt at marriage
been convicted of my first felony charge
lost a loved one
been tangled in a romantic-cube
Had my life threatened
had several unplanned stands with strangers
donated blood
rented my first home
assembled my first door
seen a ghost
had a precognitive vision
gotten in touch with an old friend
been called the devil
been spit at by someone who thought I was the devil
made an infant cry with my smile
failed at adoptive fatherhood
gained a nervous twitch
and fucked and lost a number of friends in conjuction with those actions, and for the most part, in that order...

I daydream about when I was younger. Things I should have done, said...people. I come back here, and think of what I must do. I feel like for the most part, I've been sleeping the better part of a year, and I have trouble trying to really figure what it is that I want these days. I have the emotional maturity of a very young teenager, and am surprised by my emotions when they arise. I sleep and become more tired, and rest is a foreign word to me. I have learned though...that I prefer comfort to happiness. It is a a bouncy way to live...and time and the air, though sometimes seconds long, can leave me feeling just as desolate as I do on the ground. I am okay with this. I plan to get a kitten when I move into my place.

As Cathy says, I will write. I will write, and read, and fill my thoughts with quotes and dialogue from movies to fuel the dreams that will become poems, songs, and tales.

I don't drink as much anymore...

I hope there is good in that...

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/23468561/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/23468561/ Sun, 01 Mar 2009 11:23:11 PST
The rule is:
Leave a comment and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. I'll tell you my favorite thing about you.
9. I'll tell you my least favorite thing about you.
10. If you play, you MUST post this on yours

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/21225561/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/21225561/ Wed, 29 Oct 2008 23:05:58 PDT
"Here I lie
Staring At
Clouds and Shapes
Of dogs and cats.
I hear a woman
Start to yell
"Oh dear God, I think he fell"

And the arrow,
Shot straight to hell
From the bow of William Tell.
My body lies
Kissing the ground
Like a cross turned upside down.

A priest is rushing
To my side,
Begins to read me
My last rites.
Father you're too late
My faith is weak
So won't you save your
half-hearted speech.

And the arrow,
Shot straight to hell
From the bow of William Tell.
My body lies
Kissing the ground
Like a cross turned upside down.

A man bends down and says,
"Son, we're going to get through this one
take my hand and let us pray..."
I scream, "Please get the fuck away."

And the arrow,
Shot straight to hell
From the bow of William Tell.
My body lies
Kissing the ground
Like a cross turned upside down.

The ambulance is singing
As cops push back the crowd
I start to take my last breath,
As blood pours out my mouth.
The medics walk in my way
I think this could be it.
I hear them start to say
The time of death is half past six."

This is kinda how I feel right now. (although also twisted and distorted.) I've been irritable, and mostly annoyed as of late. No sexdrive, no inspiration. (funny how those run hand in hand) but no desire to really eat anything either. Just keep myself busy really.
Found meself an apartment, move in tomorrow. Lots of little stupid stuff to do. Clean and stuff, and blah. Wrote a song. Last thing I wrote...or..part of a song. I remember I posted the first time songs I'd writen here on DA not to long ago. Don't know why I find that significant. It materes as much as a nude before I got up gumption and strength to do one of meself. Since then, me body has changed drastically. (mostly due to me expellation from the military.) I have sideburns, and am no longer as "hard bodied as before." But I've quit smoking, and haven't tilted a botle in quite a long time. (in my world, being an alcoholic as most "good writers of old were"..lol...a month is a VERY long time.) lol...(I meant Poe...mostly Poe...) I don't know. Don't know what the future has in store for me. Need to kep moving though...or drifting. Same thing. Keep writing. Keep my heart beating so it can bleed just a litle more on paper til there's enought for a couple novels, and a screnplay. Someday son...I'll start dreaming again...

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/20607657/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/20607657/ Sun, 21 Sep 2008 18:27:05 PDT
I feel as if the only way I can cope this days is with a rapid, and carefully calculated regression to my old self. These energies I spend on peoples as of late I feel would be much better spent on my media infatuations. Less sleep, more browsing. Less fucking, more writing. Less drinking, more reading. Less breathing, more dreaming. All will be well in the here after, but where the here is now, I find myself rather unhappy.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/20446724/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/20446724/ Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:09:49 PDT
I am absolutely miserable. My life has completely gone South, and everything...ANYTHING I could possibly have to look forward too is like a million miles away. Sex is bland, life is aweful, coffee leaves an aweful taste in my mouth, my own cum taste too thick to swallow, alcohol...is my only escape into something rare like bliss. I could write a thousand poems about the curse of the Gods, and call it the "Drunken journals"...it would probably be a thousand pages long. I have broken the only promise to myself that maybe only felt worth a damn to me...my head is heavy...my heart is in the right place for once, my head in the wrong...it only stops ringing either between someones legs, or between air and the wall...when my scars fade way too fast, and I never do enough damage to be satisfied. Romance for me these days is a stranger texting me to meet them in a vomit smelling hotel to give them the "color" in their cunt that they find themselves missing from their marriage. I sleep, and awake to find that I am annoyed to have awakened at all...and there are lives in my hands causing me to press forwards for if I fail...they may not survive. I will die, and barely even notice, and I would think me dead already twere it not for my writing, and the occasional electric stimuli in my brainwaves fluctiating thoughts to make me bleed, and memories to make me cry. I need good coffe, decent sex, cum to swallow that won't make me vomit, a lover that leaves the past at their front door, a bullet to stifle my thoughts, and reason to wake up in the morning other than a book to write that I may never finish...

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/20407656/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/20407656/ Tue, 09 Sep 2008 14:07:29 PDT
and as i sit here thinking, I can't help but think back to nights ago when I revealed this page to a friend of mine, and after reading some of my work, in an almost monumental moment, she turns to me and says..."You're a really sad person." In that I have realized that I have quite possible stayed in the exact same constant spiral of miserly depression since I recall as a child my father taking me to Blockbuster to make one of those "Kids on Tape" files...(a video recording documenting my face, voice, and hobbies should I be kidnapped or turned up missing...which I did once as a child) and the lady asked me if I was playing any little leaugue sports, and I responded, "What's that?"(in a very low, unsure voice lacking any sort of self esteem, or sense of value whatsoever.) I honestly believe that my life was fated for an eternal, and neverending downhill slope ever since preschool when one of my classmates started crying. I remember everyone crowding him asking what's wrong, and when the teacher came, one of the kids said he had a "boo-boo", to which I responded "That's not a Boo-boo, it's a laceration...I was fucking THREE!! So...as I type this, as I sit here, and think, I realize that all of this which I believe has led to many of my disfuctions...(the backgground factors, not the actual incidents) are what have led to the fact being that I am almost completely incapable of interacting with normal human society.

and you know....it really doesn't bother me anymore.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/20176214/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/20176214/ Tue, 26 Aug 2008 22:47:14 PDT
I saw this in journal and I thought it might be fun...


-----------• × • A L L A B O U T | M E • × •--------------

Name: Deondre
Single or taken: once a stray...
Gender: Male
Birthday: 22 December
Sign: Capricorn
Hair color: Black
Eye color: reddish/brown
Height: five foot five and a half
Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Pan..?

-----------• × • F A S H I O N | S T U F F • × •----------

Where is your favorite place to shop for clothes?: lokisa.com or cryoflesh.com (UBER-NIFTASTICAL!!!)
Favorite designer?: Lokisa Kisama
What is your sexiest outfit?: umm...knee highs..?
What is your most comfortable outfit?: briefs, grey long sleeve, ankle socks
What do you usually wear: Hoodies, undies, and sockies

--------------• × • S P E C I F I C S • × • --------------

What kind of shampoo do you use?: Herbal Essency fruit crap...
Who is the last person that called you?: Danica
How many buddies are online right now?: 3

-------------• × • F A V O R I T E S • × •----------------

Foods: Noodles, Pizza, Tacos...and things of the like
Girls names: Serenity, Aura
Boys names: Zachary, Taylor
Subjects in school: Art ofcourse, English lit
Animals: Cats, Raccoons, and most bears...

----------------• × • H A V E | Y O U | E V E R • × •----

Given anyone a bath?: Suicidal, emotionally unstable, and alcoholic ex's...yeah.
Smoked?: Cigs, but haven't puffed since March...
Bungee jumped?: Nope
Made yourself throw up?: Tried, but no success...
Skinny dipped?: Yes...and what a day that was...
Ever been in love?: unfortuneatly
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: only to keep myself out of trouble with myself...
Pictured your crush naked?: Several times.
Actually seen your crush naked?: Yep...why the menta pictures just keep on rolling...
Cried when someone died?: yes...
Lied?: as people say my silence is...
Fallen for your best friend?: sigh...I fall for all of my friends...
Rejected someone?: Yeah
Done something you regret?: try not to ever do that one...

------------• × • C U R R E N T • × •----------------------

Clothes: grey long sleeve, black tripp shorts with red trim...(yeah...that's all...)
Music: My Bloody Valentine
Smell: oxygen
Cd in player: ALL HOPE IS GONE Slipknot's new album
DVD in player: there is porn playing on a nearby computer...it's not mine, but...sigh...(need to get me own place soon...)

----------------• × • L A S T | P E R S O N • × •----------

You touched: a lover...a friend
You IMed: JoJo
You yelled at: teh evil!
You kissed: Danica

---------------• × • A R E | Y O U • × •--------------------

Understanding: I try...
Open-minded: like someone cracked open me skull...
Arrogant: have been known to be an elitist at times. I'll call myself out on that...
Insecure: Sometimes
Random: always...
Smart: intelligent, but absent minded, and occasionally too care free
Moody: sigh...whatever
Organized: in a very disorganized manner, yes...
Healthy: ...physically...
Shy: No
Difficult: Sometimes
Bored easily: unimpressed and rarely surprised is more like it
Obsessed: with my sadness
Sad: forever and always
Happy: impossible
Hyper : No
Trusting: not as I may appear to be

---------• × • W H O | D O | Y O U | W A N N A • × •--

Kill?: Someone that I'd be comfortable sleeping with after
Slap?: someone who'll hard kiss me once the sting settles
Get really wasted with?: TONYA!!! (the drunken snuggles are oh so niftical!!!)
Get high with: Not keen on getting high.
Talk to offline: RARA-CHAN
Talk to online: RARA-CHAN
Sex it up with: whoever'll stay up to and after the sunrises

----------------• × • R A N D O M • × •------------------

In the morning I: I rub my bare legs together like a cricket, and touch me naughty bits!
Love is: a distraction, and not always necessary
I dream about: Disturbing sounds, images, and alternate realities, that leave me trembling in tears as I wake, and typically fearing sleep for days on end...
Sexual preference: uncomplicated
What do you notice first in the opposite sex you're into: conversational skills, lips, body mods

-----------• × • W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R • × ------ *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/19028085/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/19028085/ Tue, 24 Jun 2008 20:43:39 PDT
Because I have nothing better to do...

If you are in my friendlist and comment in this journal, i will:

a) tell you why I friended you
b) associate you with something - a song, a color, a photo, a mental image, etc.
c) tell you something I like about you
d) tell you a memory I have of you
e) ask something I've always wanted to know about you
f) give you one piece of advice that might be useful to you
g) in return, you must post this in your journal

taken from:
:*er1n:

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/18782932/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/18782932/ Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:28:57 PDT
I haven't been here in forever...I guess I need to edit photos to post or something. I'm still doing an aweful job at teaching myself guitar...suggestions? My personal life has become frighteningly complicated. I don't seem to get enough sleep anymore, and for that lack of sleep, I seem to never get anything done. I feel like I should be writing more. Hope fully there'll be post soon, but after months of being absent, I have lots of arts to go through, and stuff to reply about, so...take care everyone. Missed ya bunches.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/15120481/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/15120481/ Thu, 18 Oct 2007 19:17:31 PDT
So...I went home for awhile. I made love to my sister alot. (That's going to be misinterpreted...WE DON'T SHARE THE SAME PARENTS!) I felt..away...for once. I felt...good. I went mountain climbing with a stranger...who became a friend. (Though they weren't really a stranger.) I ate a Meer Burger. It's fucking huge, and impossible to eat all of in one sitting. I got lost. It was really nice.

A friend died...and then someone stole their identity and attempted to use and manipulate me until they found out who I was and grew a conscious...and that's how I found out.

I'm still not ready to talk about that.

I'm playing a little more guitar now.
Writing some songs.

Met someone nifty. She's a really good artist, has a two year old son...love that guy.

Jaden: "Whas that?"

looks up at gun stand...eyes get really big.

Me: "Uhhh...."

Jaden: *points higher* "THAT?!"

Me:*looks up* "Oh, that! (looks at giant turkey statue) That's a turkey!"

Jaden:"Tguurkesh.?"

Me:"Yes Jaden, Turkey!"

Jaden:*points lower*"What's that?"

Me:*eyes get big*"Uh...umm...that?"

Jaden:"Yesh..THAT" *points*

Me:"Shotgun"

Jaden:"Chopguhn?"

Me: "Uhh...yeah..."

Jaden: "What's that for..?"

Me: *smiling and pushing him away* "ZOMBIES!!"

Jaden: "..zrombees?"

Me: *getting eyed by the cashier* "Yes Jaden, zombies!"

I AM THE GREATEST FUCKING BABYSITTER LIKE....EVER!!!!
(I'll have him playing FF Tactics in about two years!)

Phantom pains suck. I recently just had a string of night terrors. NoDoz and Vivarin are my best friends now. Starting playing WoW...thinking of re-roling a character now though.

I'm supposed to be in a book to come out soon...supposed to be in as in as soon as I write an autobiography...I hate writing about myself...but, to be in print would be awesome.

I did miss you guys. Trying to be more active. Kinda want pancakes now.

Mmm...syrup.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/13803407/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/13803407/ Fri, 20 Jul 2007 03:07:45 PDT
I guess I'm searching for something...

I'm glad to have met all of you.

e-mail, or write sometime...I'll try to do the same.

vintagesadness@hotmail.com

845 Douhet Drive PSC 17
Barksdale AFB, LA 71110

Take care all, and good luck.

]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12711421/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12711421/ Mon, 23 Apr 2007 22:26:59 PDT
- - - - -

The Rules
You comment or reply this journal and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jell-o to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. You MUST put this into your journal.



Stolen from seemed interesting, so start responding..it will fuel my typage!

-fade out-

organization to which I serve...
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12613468/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12613468/ Mon, 16 Apr 2007 01:55:00 PDT
Lately, I've been really disassociated from people. I want a bunny. I've been writing, and today, I found what I had secretly been saving for...Amalya. My new guitar. I'd contemplating picking a new one up for awhile, but since I'm so selective...but this one...she sang to me. Whether it was her color, or her shape...she was simply beautiful. I'm finding the beauty in things again...which has made me realize that for awhile, there was a time where I wasn't. I don't know where I'll go when I'm done with military...and currently am uncaring so long as it feels like home. I'm stuck in my art...so if I seem hard to reach, just think of some creative way to knock.

Later

-fade out-

organization to which I serve...
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12426248/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12426248/ Mon, 02 Apr 2007 05:19:25 PDT
Hentai is not what sleepy people should do.
Sleepy people should sleep.
and I am tired...but wait...I'm not sleepy.

Mindless Self Indulgence is awesome.
I hope me comics come in today. My brain desires nurishment from comicy goodness.

Serenity Rose

I do so hope it comes soon...

-fade out-

organization to which I serve...
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12411854/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12411854/ Sun, 01 Apr 2007 06:09:42 PDT
I feel like I should be sleep, or dead a thousand times over. My thoughts are jumbled. I'm half awake, and nothing I do artistically as of late feels right suddenly. I finally put photos on my laptop to be edited and/or uploaded yesterday. Some snipping here or there. My family makes me feel diseased, and the rest of the world..a clown. I've been pondering alot recently...about my existence. I think now I'm just living...just for the why. Someone asked me recently why the fuck are we here, and what's the point of living? What's our purpose in all this..? My angel who lost her light...(and my love with it...)
I told them that perhaps it's simply to exist...maybe just to find an answer...maybe the search itself is worth getting out of bed for...or the acknowledgement of such. It keeps me insides inside...but its not enough for some, or most others.
Watched a nifty TARTAN ASIA film. "Bloody Reunion"...and it left me with a question (as wel as a new nifty thought process on what the "true" use of a box cutter are...) of...exactly what combination of poisons would cause a human being to cough up gag and vomit blood..? Seriously, could someone answer this for me, I swear there will be some sort of reward of your choosing in doable means...and I will try with all fierceness to make that reward not be the fame one gets from being an accessory to murder..unles one desires this, or I just so happen to be having one of "those days" at the time, and I'm in a position where certain disliked individuals certainly have a quenching for a spot of tea...but anywho...wait, no...mind is still on blood vomit.
I hate that I have a new set of handcuffs in an unopen package with in my "toy box" I was all but exclusive for some round of months. Puts me poor devious soul at unease. Not one new scar, or bloody trails from fingernails. What, am I not cute? Or do I still smell of ownership? I want to go dancing. I look pretty when I dance...sometimes.

I feel...like wearing blue today.

So I shall wear the color blue.

-fade out-

organization to which I serve...
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12319288/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12319288/ Sun, 25 Mar 2007 07:03:35 PDT
This was in my friend profile. I actually used to keep list like this for everything, and this is like on of my favorite movies...so I figured...whatever.

The High Fidelity Quiz

(in no particular order)

Top 5 songs from your youth (10-14 years old-ish):
1. mayonnaise-the smashing pumpkins
2. you look so fine-garbage
3. stay together for the kids-blink-182
4. i feel so-boxcar racer
5. sweetness-jimmy eat world

Top 5 love songs:
1. Vermillion-Slipknot
2. Kiss From A Rose-Seal
3. Luna-the Smashing Pumpkins
4. Drive You Home-Garbage
5. Polaris-Jimmy Eat World

Top 5 break up songs:
1. Cup of Coffee-Garbage
2. It Ends Tonight-The All American Rejects
3. The Blue Channel-Taking Back Sunday
4. You're Cute When You Scream-Senses Fail
5. Long Way Down-the Goo Goo Dolls (more for the brooding, yet empowered)

Top 5 songs to relax to:
1. Milk-Garbage
2. Half Jack-the Dresden Dolls
3. Sajou No Uta-Dir en Grey
4. Close to the Flame-H.I.M.
5. Disentegration-Jimmy Eat World

Top 5 songs to have sex to (or you would like to have sex to):
Closer by Nine Inch Nails and Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye are forbidden
1. Nobodies-Marilyn Manson
2. It Ain't Over Til It's Over-Lenny Kravitz (preferably WITH Lenny Kravitz!!! )
3. Hurt-Nine Inch Nails
4. Stitches-Orgy (it is a high possibility that by simply breathing a certain way around me when this song is playing, you will be fucked, and such a thing cannot be helped...)
5. This Velvet Glove-the Red Hot Chili Peppers (can't explain this one...just does it for me...)

Top 5 songs you’re slightly embarrassed to admit liking:
1. The Great Houdini-New Found Glory( or anything by these guys really...)
2. Material Girl-Madonna (and if you probe my mind, or enter my room at random...you'll find me dancing to this...THIS WILL BE THE LAST THING YOU SEE!)
3. Sunday Afternoon-Lucky Boys Confusion
4. Love Is a Battlefield-Pat Benatar (still sexy and powerful so many years later...)
5. Ask the Lonely-Journey (FUCK YOU CRITICS!!! THESE GUYS PWN!!!)

Top 5 songs with a color in the title:
1. violet-the Birthday Massacre
2. the red-Chevelle
3. Blood Red Summer-Coheed and Cambria
4. Black Hole Sun-Soundgarden
5. Red...(em)-Dir en Grey

Top 5 political songs:
1. Wake Me Up When September Ends-Green Day
2. BYOB- System of a Down
3. Get Your Gunn-Marilyn Manson (This has always seemed really political to me, from a societal standpoint anyway...)
4.
5.

Top 5 albums that influenced your musical tastes (read it again)
1. Version 2.0-Garbage
2. Rotten Apples-the Smasing Pumpkins
3. Sing the Sorrow- AFI
4. Violet-the Birthday Massacre
5. Darkest Days-Stabbing Westward

hmm...I wonder now...what does this al;l mean? Also, I see that there is not much political music in my life...hmm...meh!

-fade out-

organization to which I serve...
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12135398/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/12135398/ Sat, 10 Mar 2007 19:18:25 PST
tonight I will watch porn...and by porn, I mean "Interview With the Vampire." (I couldn't tell you the difference...er...well, it's porn to me what porn is to others...) I find it hard to be atentative these days. I hate the Air Force...I should've joined a...well, I should've joined a BETTER cult! (they all have better uniforms..) Unforturtnetly I'm about to be carried off onto a military "camping trip" which will suck astronomically, and I am very unhappy about this...hmm...find myself unhappy about alot of things these days.
I'm so afraid of loosing it again...I'm sick of crying really...I don't much at all anymore, actually...which...feels like dying. The very strength I despise...thinking seriously about prescription meds...also thinking no. I've already lost my tears...

-suddenly wants to vomit-

and on that note...brought out the old notebooks...the pages where I've hidden myself from the world. Poems, journals...songs. I'll go through them...perhaps to be inspired again. Think that's what I'm missing...

INSPIRATION

"hmm...?"

-types away-

-fade out-

organization to which I serve...
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/11371630/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/11371630/ Tue, 09 Jan 2007 07:24:46 PST
6 weird things about yourself, tagged by
1. I meow
2. I'm Pansexual.
WEBTER says: "This is a relatively new term without a generally agreed upon definition. While heterosexual suggests your interest is towards the opposite gender, homosexual suggests the same gender, and bisexual suggests either gender, being pansexual means that you identify as having a sexual orientation towards everything, including people of all genders. It may also suggest that you acknowledge you could be sexually aroused by a song, or babbling brook."

...okay, so not Webster, but I think it's pretty nifty!
3. I'm also a misanthropist...its not great, but it also can't rally be helped...and yet, I still have faith in the abilities of some...
4. I am comfortd by things which I am afraid...one namely bing the dark. I still sleep with the blanket over my head on most occasions...and yet, I come alive at night.
5. my tears are hot...to the point of burning. So it actually hurts me to cry...which is why I sob so much when I do...I don't know why...
6. It also hurts when I smile or laugh for too long...I hope to get thi fixed...it is very painful.

tagged me to write 10 facts that you might not know about my art.
1. Originally, I started writing poetry my freshmen year in an attempt to silence thoughts and voices that were really loud in my head. My notebooks at the time wer covered with grotsque doodles, and hard presd scribbles and holes from me using too much force to write. My poems were very long and wordy as I was trying to "clear my head." Getting older, and dealing with stress better (...) my writings have become a bit more "refined."
2. I actually didn't start
taking an interest in photography also until my freshman year, and it would still be another 4 before I did anything with it as at the time I was focused on writing and painting. I originally desired to show myself to the world through my yes...and see if they could find themselves in me. I have since been marginally sucessful.
3. I use "sorrow" alot as a theme because I believe it trancends through many more actually emotions and activities than what's noted. I think it can be tasted, sung, smelled, licked, loved, fucked, and traumatized as well as abused...I'm lost in it's corridors, and have only admired the walls in one hallway...
4. As assumed...all of my writings are actual depictions detailed and cleverly worded of accounts from my actual "life." I have a weird sense of "humor" concerning tradgedy...humor being hysterical tears and laughter...
5. I don't like to really "stage" sets outside of the exploration of concepts...I mean, while some of my sets are staged, for the most part...if I'm red...I'm really choking myself...they're real tar...it' real blood...and yes, I really took a picture afte throwing it up.
6. I've written hundrds of poems, short stories, script ideas...problem is, I'm a sporatic writer, and most of the stuff in my gallery is stuff I found scribbled on a napkin, or piece of cardboard I'd thrown somewhere.
7. I brood...and doing so, I sit for 2 and 3 three hours about once a month and re-read everything I have at hand I've very written. This usually saddens me...however...it is during this time (and only during thi time) that I ever do any ong writing. I so write about two songs a month.
8. None of my poems are actual finished because there is usually an after thought or a verse (sometimes another poem entirely) that usually gets ommitted. This keeps hort poem from becoming short stories.
9. I have no knowldge of technical terms, or the descriptions of certain vocabulary...dspit all of my reading, outide of my writings...or romantic situations, I am almost incapable of expressing the definitions behind words though I know what they mean, and trip over my words when descibing my writing verbally. It's easy to type...keep me off of podiums...so basically...I try to let my writing speak for itself...because if I speak for it, I'll embarass us both.
10. I do not know how to use photoshop...and trip over myelf in editing program...becaue of this, and despite my use of a digital camera, I'm all about capturing what I see in my hot...as it' my only means of expressing it.

For these two I tag the following 6 (if you've done it before and you don't have much new to say, just send a link):

*quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/11311310/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/11311310/ Thu, 04 Jan 2007 09:30:31 PST
it's "crunch time" as I'll be home in the states soon...and hopefully more online active cause...well, what the hell else. I'm sorry I've been such a poor deviant. There's so much I haven't viewed and commented on, or replyed too...I just haven't had time really. Holidays have me busy working...and it's really freaking cold out, so I haven't been up here much. I hope all is well for all I know. Hopefully be on more soon.

later cats and kittens!

I feel icky!

nifty individuals I know...
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/11055842/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/11055842/ Wed, 13 Dec 2006 20:27:17 PST
1. How tall are you barefoot? 5'5"

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
I burnt a poopy seed muffin once...

3. Do you own a gun?
not that I'm aware of...


6. What do you think of hot dogs?
They're great as projectile devices. (it's the ick factor...)
7. What’s your favorite Christmas song?

"closer" by NIN

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
the opened can or bottle that I drank from the night before

9. Can you do push ups?
if need be...


10. Is your bathroom clean?

I own no such thing


11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?

keys to my black handcuffs I wear around my neck...or my spiked dog collar with the three rings for leashes!!


13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
my uber-yumminess which takes all unsuspecting individuals (which is...everyone.) by surprise.
15. Do you have A.D.D.?

If I do...it's watered down by every other mental disorder that's running rampant through my being
16. Middle Name?


Lemar


19. Name 4 drinks you regularly drink:
juice, soda, coffee creamer, and water! (water is nummy! It is the force that brings forth life!!)


20. What time did you wake up today?

ummm...I think you have to go to sleep before you wake up..?!





22. Current worry?.


Mental decaydue to sleep depravation, stray animals, and the possibility that my artistic talents are going to waste as it's hard to express the colors of your imaginative intellect with a spatula and recipe cards...which I currently don't use..?!


23. Current hate?

cowboy mentalities and the lack of empathy that seems to be plaguing our society. Where's the love you pricks??!!


24. Favorite place to be?

In a realm of unrelenting and overwhelming ectasy...preferable with pillows and ramen noodles. Noodles are nummy! There should be movies there too!...good ones...or bad ones, and someone fun to rip them with...





25. Least favorite place to be?
Anyplace that makes me scowl, roll my eyes, or think, "Oh, how pretty it would be to see the red water run red..."

26. Where would you like to go?
Somewhere where whatever I do/think/feel/touch/smell/fuck/lick/love/taste/want/read/play/love/hate/beat/crush/annoy/listen too/eat/watch/or value...doesn't make me weird...but I think that my heaven actually lies in someone elses hell.

27. Do you own slippers?

Yes...they are kitty feet. If you laugh, or make bad comment...I will maim you.
28. What shirt are you wearing?
it is black and shiny. I touch it...it feels shiny!

29. Do you burn or tan?
What would tanning do to hurt someone...I more so sear them, but it really depends on what they did. I'm more an asphyxia addict, so...I mean, the whole candlewax thing...oh...wait...uh...neither.



...



I do neither.

30. Favorite color(s)?

Black , Green, Grey



31. Would you be a pirate?

I am a freaking pirate!!!



33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't know...I can't hear my singing voice over all of my crying.



35. What's in your pockets right now?
a knife, a Russian phrase book, a stick of gum, a pack of camels, a lighter my wallet, a hat, a digital camera, French Vani... ]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/11023853/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/11023853/ Mon, 11 Dec 2006 00:51:20 PST however...
If I don't get this out...I'll fucking explode...(I'll try to be vague)

Funny thing about being a "deondre"...you like "fruit." Society deems it comfortable to be for either "peaches" or "pears". OPOSITES ATTRACT...peaches can't like peaches, and pears can't like pears...but oh dear christ...(while superficial chauvinistic...AND FEMINIST assholes think its okay for peaches to like peaches and pears...) you definitely can't be a pear and like both. I do! I fucking love fruit...it doesn't "drive me" like the "typical pear"...and doesn't make me "ache" like a peach...but...there's a middle. A happy middle...but you know, I like all fruit...even the green peaches, and the orange pears, I mean...as long as you smell good, I typically don't care. I'm just a fun sort of fruit...now.
I have a peach...it's a pretty good peach...doesn't always agree with me, but it's sweet in ways that only it's peachy little bottom can be...
As far as I know...I don't HAVE a sex drive anymore! It's fucking dead...or it was...but now...ah! I'm all...see...I stick to my fruit. So having a peach means possibly never having another pear...and that doesn't bother me...but wow...in so many words, I couldn't describe to you how badly I suddenly want a fucking pear...Christ...and oh, did I find this out by...thought...NO! Through a poem I started writing...NO! I practically "blacked out", and awoke to vigorous "peeling". Eyes fluttery, skin shiny, salivating tongue...WTF?! My month of "ripeness" is usually April...and July....this is neither of those months, and this is NOT the "Christmas" spirit because I don't remember liking Christmas this much! On a side...peaches have expressed a playful interest in wanting to know how I eat pears...and the idea makes me uncomfortable, because having mixed my fruits in the past, I see no fruit salad coming from the mix...and yet...I really want a fucking pear. It's making my mouth water...and the sick thing is...in this salivating fantasy in my bloodstream...the peach is watching me eat the pear...but it's creepy, because I can read no expression, no thought, and no nothing...and trust me, my peach does NOT like to share her tree...so it perplexes me as it is more than likely a simple curiosity...the thing is though...while I taste juicier to a peach...I taste sweeter to a pear. I don't know if I can be sugary to peaches...at least not this peach...she's not fond of the loud taste. Ah...I'm creped out by my own thoughts at the moment. I should stop writing...

I need to be neutered...

nifty individuals I know...
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10965293/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10965293/ Tue, 05 Dec 2006 19:54:22 PST
My "sister" once said while watching me eat pizza..."You know what I just noticed? You're a fat kid at heart!" *me lookies ups at her with chipmunk cheeks* "You get all excited and dance when you eat!" *me lookies bashful* "It's so cute!" *swallows*

*looks at pretty girl*...uhh, oh, anyway...yeah, so I was eating a sandwich just now, and my supervisors were staring at me. I liked my sandwich, and...well...they were smiling. That typically means that I was dancing. SSgt Williams said, "That's how someone's gonna win your heart! They're gonna cook you two good meals, and you're done." I blushed...I couldn't do much else through the chewing. I really like food...not all food, I'm very picky...I mean, not "really" picky...but, I don't like some things...and then the conversation in my head...

Me: "I was sort of pudgy as a kid."
Inner Meh: "Really? You look kinda fit now..."
Me: "Not really...I don't thik so..."
Inner Meh: "So how'd you get over your "pudginess?"
Me: *smiling* "Like every other eleven year old does."
Inner Meh: *puzzled*
Me: "After school sports and an eating disorder."

That's right...I just had a breakthrough. I DID have an eating disorder when I was a kid...
and I did a rairly good job of hiding it too. My parents just thought I was picky, but yeah...

When I was little...I was really little. I was shorter than all of my friends even though most of the few were younger than me. As I got older...everyone got taller and actually started to look...like teenagers. I had a mustache...but I was pudgy...and short. No real muscles. No athletic ability. My voice was low and deep...but...that was it. I was...cute. Not sexy. not hot. Attractive...just cute. Funny, but no one wanted to walk arm and arm with a fuuny guy...especially with my morose sense of humor. They wanted the guy that looked like he was in high school...or a high school guy...but it wasn't even that. It was one more reason for me to be beaten up. Getting called pudgy in the locker room. Hearing, "Hey! Holmes has a beer gut!" That hurt...so I didn't eat lunch. It started actually when I was like in 3rd grade. I only ate my chips. I traded the rest of my lunch for juice. There was a friend of mine whose family didn't have alot of money...he got school lunch, and was more than happy to take my sandwiches from me. I wish I was nicer to him...he helped me more than he knew...wonder where he is...well...then when junior high came, I'd save my money. My friends passed it off as I was one of the "cool" kids that hung out in halls at lunch. I ate fries. Fries are nummy. But when my friends didn't have money for food, I gave it to them. I treated myself occasionally too. Burger King, and the occasional sub. For dinner as a kid too, when my rents let me eat in my room...I'd stuff most of my dinner in a napkin, and tuck it under my bed til I could put it in the trash. I loved my parents cooking...my mom's a great cook...it wasn't that. I didn't mean to be disrespectful because I know they worked hard for that food...it was just...I always felt too weak to do push ups...which actually, I still suck at. I was pretty pathetic in gym...til I got a little older. I did get a bit more active in junior high. I acquired somewhat the shapeliness I'd wanted in grade school...but they're were still things I didn't like...things I still don't like now...and now there's scars, but those are my own fault. Most of them only I can see though...I don't know...it feels weird realizing all of this. I love food. I always have. Once, my daddy took me to get Subway, and as I was leaving, they commented on how "I was holding the sub like it was baby Jesus." That actually made me kinda sad.
I love my baby cousin Asjia. She's just like I was...but...she's really pretty. Beautiful eyes.
She may not go through what I did. I think she'll be lucky...lucky and healthy. She dances when she eats too...hell, when she even sees food...it's all she talks about really.

I don't know why I shared this. I guess i just...saw it for myself, and...this is how I cleared it up. I know the whole "You have to be happy with yourself..." blah blah thing...well you know. I know me...I know what's special and amazing about me...but...when you're the only one who knows something....the only one who sees it...it kinda makes you start to think that if there's no one else who's seeing this...is it really there at all? It's just...nice to hear from others too...I guess...or not really...I don't not eat so much anymore so more as my low self esteem keeps me from accepting proper compliments. Noodles are nummy! Hey...this could also be why I'm such a whore too!...well, was...haven't let anybody fuck me in awhile (T.M.I., I know...) Just a deflicted self esteem issue, wanting someone to want me for something, or think I'm at least pr... ]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10943916/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10943916/ Mon, 04 Dec 2006 03:19:26 PST
Some time ago, someone sent me a quote that they wrote about ironic love...and upon them giving to me, they said..."I don't really what this means...but I fugured, if anyone would...it would be you." (Yes...my life is bad anime drama...I am Terry the Lone wolf-Tenchi-Hanyoi-Kamui from the third generation robot series of angels sent to destroy humanity through a card game based on demons which I eat to power my gundams IDD system and save the cosmos from the GODS...yep...that's me. Ask me what I see beyond my fist...lol) Well...I finally understand the quote.
I won't repost it...(Respect for the individual) But I can say this...in this dramatic play I find myself in...I finally know the plot. *le sigh* And I don't see myself living until the very end.
If sadness were a drug...wait, sadness is a drug. I can't help it...I'm a fucking addict. It feels so real. Realer than anything...more honest than love, more powerful than hate...more all consuming than even sheer passion. Sorrow overwhelms me. It fills me with woe...it gets me high...I love it. I need help...but there's no "real" cure for depression. The drugs make it worse when you crash. The therapist and psyches reafirm how alone and miserable you are...plus bring up soiled memories better left forgotten. People just try to change you so they can deal with their own shit better. Doesn't bother anymore though...
The new dot.hack game...is FUCKING AWESOME!!! I love it, and this will be the first game series I play from beginning to end completing. wOot!
(That is the joy in my life...)

au revoir.

Nifty individuals
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10874536/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10874536/ Tue, 28 Nov 2006 00:46:31 PST
as for the emoticon...that's not the kind of "desperate" I am...or maybe it is...I'm "oxygen" starved. I can't remember when the last time I "breathed" was...that's never a good thing. A strange thing happened today...someone visited my page, so I visited theres to see who they were...I mean, I do this quite often. It's how I meet other deviants...but...when I went to this guy's page...before I saw a picture...I saw a name...a name I didn't want to see. It wasn't who I thought it was. Someone else entirely...but the simple thought of them triggered so much malicious rage to boil up inside of me...it literally made me sick! The sicker I got, the angrier I was...and the angrier I became, the worse I felt, which made me disburbingly dreadful.

"But you don't hate him...he didn't DO anything...he didn't betray you...it was her..."

I know this line by heart...I say it so often...but the images in my head...I can't DO to "her" what I pictured doing to him. That would take hate...which yes...I am capable of...I am one of the few...it does not make me feel empowered. I don't think the human heart and mind is capable of standing up to the stress and pressure of the heavier emotions...like hate, and passion...sorrow...although...some people can't help it...
The truth is...I don't cry enough. I did today...I thought I wanted to yell...scream...I went in the back to listen to My Chemical Romance...I felt tears...I said no. I was angry. I wanted blood...I wanted my knuckles busted open...I wanted to hate. I set my iPOD to randaom..."Drive You Home"...I wanted to feel special...I don't want to feel like an expendable anymore. Ordinary...just another boyfriend, just another fuck...like I'm a whole world of something rare...I know what I know...I feel what I feel...but I want it to be someone else's truth...for once...or again...but this time no lies...and then..."23"...I couldn't help it./ I'm miserable. I'm not eating right. I'm not sleeping right...and I can't remember the last time I really breathed. This place is like a prison...no, worse! A concentration camp with mental experiments run on a daily basis. Games are played to see which oine of us will crack first, barb-wire hesco walls...I cried.

Again...

At least once a week now, I break like this...I'm surprised each time I have tears left to cry. They may very well be all that I have untainted and my own...and I so desperately want to give them away...I want someone to take them from me. I want someone...something to hold them...God...I'd be happy I could take one of the kitties back to room with me...to blanket my tears...but they're always caught on cold sheets...and cold pillows. Cold winds, and cold "lover's backs." Or maybe...if someone would just take me home...I shouldn't want or be thinking that...but nothing, even "love" is "helping" me anymore...I'm docile when I'm gaming...when I'm reading, or writing these days...but the rest of the time, I'm just so miserable. I don't trust the people I'm supposed to love. And don't feel like I shoy\uld like some of the people that claim to love me. I wish i had a little ninja to just take care of all of this for me. He could kill my problems in their sleep while I drank diet soda...but that won't happen ever...because I don't drink diet soda...I can't handle having sorrow and anger running through me like this...FUCK, I could barely handle sorrow. And today...someone I normally just argue with for sport...she came in today and looked at me...and offered me a kiss. A kiss...I didn't answer her, but she said call or e-mail her if I wanted to talk or something...should that make me feel better, because I'm THAT fucking pathetic?! Even my playful enemies feel my despair and lose their nerve to be sadist at my expense? My nails are dirty...I don't have anything to clean them with...I want...fuck...home? Hmph...I'm done typing now...

Nifty individuals
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10852103/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10852103/ Sun, 26 Nov 2006 02:53:21 PST
I forget sometimes how damaged I am.
A "damaged little fucker." By product of all that's been done to me, and all that I've done...and there so much shit, I don't know if between me or the world who tried to sodomize who first. I'm in emotional limbo. Nothing works...relationships with other people, and the concept now to me is...what IS "is?" I don't know...since I've been here, five relationships, hell, four marriages, down the crapper..and for..what? A lack of knowledge. People not knowing what they want, or settling...hearts lay broken in the wake of these "uplifting decisions to better oneself", and the realization of such seems to be met by a lack of care from the distributer, and a sense of acceptance by the recipient.
Bad deal if you ask me...talked to me old best mate Bob today. Felt good, the silly bastich. We were a wild and crazy troupe back in the day...I miss it. Every day I was going to die because something or someone was going to try to kill me. And everyday almost that summer I woke up in some exotic location, or in some "estranged strangers" arms...also, a new realization...I'm a whore. I admit it. I mean, not now...not so much...
But yeah...hey, everyone has their past, right? And I'm a good intentions whore...not a scorecard keeper...the actual fun of it is...making fun of it because its all I can do to keep from crying...cause I'm still not pretty enough to keep someone interested. Or a good enough lay to keep someone loyal...hmm. I am one of "those" though, who in all honesty, would have liked to have found, kept and shared my virgin passions with one to whom my touch meant just as much as theirs...and if that person existed, I would covet them in what's left of my innocence...however, to me, and to themselves, those to whom that boy once belonged are dead...and not in the zomboid selectee fashion, but in the sense that no eye, nor heart, nor mirror can recognize the existence of a soul in any of their fleshy beings. It does not empower me...I find it sad to say, and sad knowledge that I very well may be the cause of it...if only I weren't so stubborn...ah well. Since we're sharing bits and pieces, I like the color red. It's not a favorite color...just one that mystifies me at times...I bought socks today!! That made me smile. I love socks. These are nifty, and oh so comfy. Blue, and green, and grey. Socks feel good. Especially along a lover's thighs!
I still think I wouldn't mind a "pet." Although, I'm not so sure the desire is so strong anymore...new shots coming. I want to try something different with my camera...

later.

Nifty individuals
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10798697/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10798697/ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 10:34:17 PST
I wrote a journal earlier...which I just read. I guess I needed to vent. But it makes me sick to think that any of that pain is inside me. I miss sunshine in my soul. Feeling stable. I guess there's just alot I'm not saying...I guess I have alot to deal with, and who doesn't. I'm not un-empathetic, or even unsympathetic. Just wounded. But...I'm thinking...I'll just keep it in the poems for awhile...and the paint. Yes...at some point, I do plan to start painting again...someday. Soon as I can paint through the pain. You know...Dashboard Confessional is REALLY fucking depressing. I suddenly smell grease.

I can't wait to play my guitar...and see Lei Wong drawn out. I'm really happy with the feel of it now. I got away from the western feel of it. Chat rooms are depressing. I want a cat. i am docile, I will watch 13 Ghost now soon...later kittens...wait. Actually...I wish to write of love .

I just started listening to this song...
Does anyone remember...what tenderness is? I think today I had a thought...that I'd prefer lust to love. Because it's more honest. I think...that in alot of ways that's true...I don't know why I'm typing anymore...it's happened to me alot today...but right now, I'm thinking of memories past...and I don't want to cry or cut. I think that's good!

Nifty individuals
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10796100/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10796100/ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 04:14:34 PST
You ever think of someone...and then suddenly felt physically ill? Like you literally wanted to throw up every inside? How about a bunch of people? Touch a memory...even ones that never happened? Fuck it...I've been hearing alot of shit lately...

"It's okay to make people smile and feel good, even if they really don't deserve it..."

"Maybe people would like you if you stopped seeing most of them as nothing more than a minor annoyance..."

"Do you get off on being sad, or is it just something your favorite singer said was cool in a song or something?"

"I fucking hate you you miserable fucking bastard...I was miserable with you because "I" wasn't happy with myself..."

"Well...not everyone's like you, and can take their pain out on themselves...some people do it to others, it may not be okay, but its what happens."

"Nobody wants to feel bad all the time, so stop being a freak. You make it seem like everyone wants to be reminded of all the ways they've hurt you..."

I can't fucking take this shit anymore...no...fuck you. I'm not going to not feel worthless, and not be upset over all of the fucking bullshit (because that's what it is, BULLSHIT!) that people fuck through me because they "accidentally" fucked up MYT LIFE because THEY were having a fucking bad day...bad week...bad fucking life. And oh, you're apology means the world to me now that you've dumped all of your fucking misery on me, and YOU got/get to have a fucking existence...FUCK YOU! Go fuck yourself on a fucking knife, video tape it, and send me the shit so I can watch in slow motion your face contort in agony until I find that exoression that's a good sum of how I feel on the inside...then when I'm done fucking YOU OVER...maybe we canb talk about forgiveness. I'm sorry...but my mercy days are fucking over. I don't have...no. I don't want to forgive. i don't want to forget. I don't want to fucking get over it...because it wasn't o'fucking kay!

Nothing that anyone of you..."accidently", or "mistakenly", or "I'm so fucking sorry...", NO! None of it was fucking okay. I'm not fucking okay! I'm to the point now where I need to fucking kill myself a little bit just to breath...oh, "But you shouldn't depend on people for life support..." yeah, but options are nice! Thanks for keeping them to yourselves fuckers...and if you don't know who you are...because you don't know it was written, don't worry...I'll remind you with my scars, my tears, my words, my fuck, my breath, my fucking fist. My blood, but fuck you if you get sleep. You exchanged my dreams for nightmares without asking...so I'll sleep when I'm in hell cause I'll know you'll be screaming!

Nifty individuals
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10788616/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10788616/ Mon, 20 Nov 2006 12:18:59 PST
...I fucking love them, but shit...they make me want to scream and break stuff.

So...I'm starting to feel more and more like myself now that the military test bullshit is over. You should see my eyes now...brown with an amber haze...I actually like them like this.
I'm not sure what to write anymore...I'm somber, but energetic. I miss people I'd never tell. I fucking love Marilyn Manson...and suddenly want to give someone a lapdance...hmm...I guess I'm in an odd sort of mood tonight...I should be sleep. I guess I should at least try to pretend...oh...the title. Currently, mu "lust" some to hold some malicious productivity, and I'm not feeling very gentle these days...just playful I guess, but I fear for "butterflies" and "kittens" on these occasions. Wjile walking is overrated, people should have the option.

Later cats and kittens.

Nifty individuals
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10748587/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10748587/ Thu, 16 Nov 2006 18:21:29 PST
For I got a nano yesterday...you were right. I DO feel better! It's sad really how material possessions do that..although in this case, I honestly think it's just having access to all of my music...well, a third of it. I'm a little tired, but not like yesterday. I want cheesecake. This morning I felt just aweful...not much better now.
Pukey...I still might vomit later. It'll probably make me feel better. I want juice. Ooh, a burrito would be nice...I miss Taco Bell. MM...CHEESY FIESTA POTATOS!!! BAJA...hmm,
sex? That was a random thought...but right now, I want a burrito. I should start sleeping.

Nifty individuals
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10740332/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10740332/ Thu, 16 Nov 2006 00:48:06 PST
I'm fucking dying here...
I'm passing out left and right. I just hit my head on the back of my chair at work because I'm so tired I almost passed out...what did I do last night..oh, wait...now I remember...

I awoke to the smell of an old lover after passing out from exhaustion when I arrived home from work. Walked outside and gazed at the stars. Felt obsolete in realizing I lost the time between being aroused by sensations, and arriving amidst the cold of darkness.
Walked to the Bean, and watched Tuna drink the remnants of someone's frappacino. Check myspace...check SG...checked AGONY. Called my sister...talked about the usefulness, and lack of necessity for people having marsupial pouches. Called Tiff...realized she is getting comfortable used to my absence...missed my cat...attempted to eat. Licked myself...made myself warm...stripped. Played Spectral Souls...listened to My Chemica Romance...wrote another song...daydreamed...brooded...hmm...around that time. With the brooding, I found myself playing Spectral Souls, then found it to be 3:30 am...I had to wake at 5. There...now it is explained...and I did mention to my "sister" that I was tired...she asked why I was not sleeping...hmm...I guess I wanted to talk to her. Pet my cat...brood....EWW!!! A fly just kissed me on the lips...I want to be licked clean now! Yoday, I attempt to purchase tickets for the Dir en Grey concert I am readily looking forward to going to see. I am more excited than I have been about a lot of things in the past few months.
I want to become a professional piercer...seriously. There's a lot of reasons why, so...I'm trying to look into it, and I think the only problem I'll have is finding an apprenticeship..and maybe a job afterwards.

I'd like to thank everyone for all the watches and the pageviews. All the comments, the critiques, and the love! I'm losing sleep thinking of something special I can do for you all here despite my limitations. I miss...something...but I think it feels good whatever it is, and I wouldn't mind having/feeling it again if I ever had it the first time...if not, then still...

A place to call home would be nice.

Nifty individuals
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10718618/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10718618/ Tue, 14 Nov 2006 01:10:05 PST
...unlike most people, I also consider a nightmare to be when you have a good dream, and wake up to find it's not real...so I dreamed "good"...and awoke to turmoil shortly after only to realize that the dream would run its course even in my waking hours.

I found "sister..."

MCR older stuff is really burrowing a nitch into my heart. I like it..and oh, I wrote a song last night...I'M NOT GOING TO POST IT! It is refreshing....I haven't written music in...2 years. It was a good song...I wrote it about someone dear...though it wasn't necessarily a happy song. The one I wrote last night...was helpful though...kept me from crying. Hmm...
I don't think I have alot of liquids in my body these days...

I watched all of Full Metal Panic, and was very pleased. I enjoyed it quite a bit. This is the second anime in the past month that I have picked up, and was not dissapointed by. It makes me happy in pants. You ever noticed how fascinating people's tongues can be? Amazing little creatures they are...behind the teeth and lips...full of whispers of carnal knowledge. Nifty tricksters...neat tricks! I love them...I should collect them! Oh...hmm...well that's a little psychotic, isn't it...heh! My mind is wandering, and I'm all messhugganah. (I don't actually know what that means...) I'm at a point...again where...I could be happy...or even content...if I just stop asking questions, relax, and just "BE GOOD!" But dammit...its like the "butterfly" says...I don't know how to be good anymore.

I want to play Final Fantasy 12. I saw a guy playing it the other day, and...well...he fucking sucked. I know everyone's got their own strategies and everything, but...it was just pitiful. He'll more than likely just kida beat the game at marginal...that makes me sad. I should kill him then...right. He makes me sad...and therefor...he should. I'm a 19 year old boy...so...its okay for me rationalize like a child! There...if I remember his face...I'll have to make sure to maim it! I'll use a spork...or I can beat him with the PS2 controller he so blatently misuses with his lack of skill...what? I'm not an elitist, I swear!

So...to those of you who read my journals, or come to my page...I have present!
Not because I'm out of ideas...I have tons of those...but just for shits giigles and curious purposes...I would like to dedicate works to you! So if you're interested, send me notes of poses, or "looks" or props you'd like used in certain photos I'll post in the up and coming months, and I'll do a shoot just for you titling the pictures, and giving you props for the idea...if it's doable. I'm not in Cirque du Soliel though I am flexible, and finding other models is a bitch...also, I'm currently in Russia, so if it's anything that my fellow Air Force colleaugues would raise a brow at...(or that I'll need my sexy clothes and make up for!) It won't be posted intil January...but yes, it's just for you guys, so however you want to see me...or whatever you want to see...let me know, okay?

Enough fun though...I want more chicken. Can't wait to come home. I miss my room. I miss my music...OH, and on an awesome note...guess whose going to see Dir en Grey perform in Dallas February 19??? Hells yeah, yours truly, and I couldn't be more excited!

I love those boys, and if I can stop drooling dreamily for at least two minutes...there will be LOTS of nifty photos!

Adieu!

Nifty individuals
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10646893/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10646893/ Tue, 07 Nov 2006 11:57:59 PST
For the last two days, I've actually gotten a good combined 8 hours of sleep, and, no nightmares...no dreams past the daydreams really...and the daymares constructed of bad realistic memories.
So...a really close friend of mine asked..."In what ways have you been abused?" She wants to know everything about me she says...and...that's a closeness I feel at times I can only hope for with another fleshy bleeder.
While I know that...this person would actually be a pillow...and my tears would be heard, and not go wasted...and...hmph, well...I have this dumb boyish fantasy of night...I couldn't possible let another human being into that part of my head at this moment...or ever actually. To many times have my stories gone told and fallen on those who'd rather not care, and those who know not what to do...like...people suddenly forgot how to hug? Or...be tender?
You know...contrary to someone's belief about me no longer being a "marshmallow"...I think that...I am. I'm just a toasted marshmallow, so now, I'm ALOT "darker", not as sweet on the surface, harder to take, crunchy, and I smoke and blow up sometimes. But...what's to be expected after being burned so much.
My head is feeling a little clearer now. No more "static." My stomach hurts like a bitch...but, thus is he aftermath of the abuse I've put it through...sigh...I must heal it, it treat it nicer now. I will feed it lasagna tomorrow. Andrey is a good cook. I forgot...well...a part of me wants to see that...I forgot what "being in love feels like." Even..."falling in love...", but then...there's another part of me that says..."its locked away in your mempory." So...I watch these "home movies" that seem to be my past...and its like..."HEY! That's nice!"
But...applying it seems wrong. Or...it fails...I don't know...perhaps it's because I'm more "personal" now...but not very...personable.

I wish I could bleed now.

clubs and organizations
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10631901/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10631901/ Mon, 06 Nov 2006 01:57:00 PST your best interest is not at heart...
I'm sorry.

I just chain smoked half a pack of menthol Kools in a vain attempt to cry. Crying makes me feel better. I like it. It's sick, I know. But I enjoy my tears. I think I just like the way I sound...it's not a fetish. I like knowing I'm human. I like knowing I still have a heart...and a soul maybe worth saving...I didn't stop for any reason other than that I tried to take my lit cigerrette to my arm and burn a hole in it. I'm only typing now I think because it keeps my hands busy and away from my Gerber. I'm so fucking tired...of feeling...used and ordinary. Nothing...barren. I want to say I'd do anything to kill the feeling...but if that were true, I'd be dead, or lying in some stranger's arms at the moment. Hell, the...oh fuck it. I want so desperately right now not to exist. I've felt like this for awhile...
Outside of my artwork...that and those related...I have nothing. Outside the lens of my camera...there's nothing beautiful for me to be shown. I get love from stray cats and dogs. I feel nothing outside of my verse that I think will last, and all that is there is sadness, anger, and pain. The love that I have is wasted on tears, and those are sentiments only welcomed by my pillow and blanket. "Nothing gold can stay..."
These words always meant something other than what they were intnded. Not that nothing is forever young, and beautiful...but that nothing beautiful can be kept.
People say it's selfish of someone to die because they suffer those left behind...and yet, people leave people alone and force them to live knowing where they can be found while remaining unreachable. Tell me, which is crueler? ...*sigh* I don't want to die...but currently, the stress of living is killing me and is too much to bear. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating, and mentally, I'm wasting away. In some short time I will vomit up lunch, and fill my stomach with cigerrette smoke. It numbs the inside a little. It hurts me to smile now. Isn't that sad? It never used to hurt before. If I laugh for too long, my jaw hurts...and I know how to be happy...its called lying. I can do that. I actually think I have a prettier mask to wear than most...but you know what would kill me? Not the lying...I don't care anymore...it's knowing that that's what most would prefer. I'm too "damaged" to be accepted as who I am. In my head...why? Why am I suffering? I should just give up! Boys don't wear make up...stop. Black guys don't listen to Slipknot...stop. Your hair is brown now...stop dying it red. People don't want to see themselves in you...people don't like dealing with their mistakes...smile. Sister says last time..."It would be easier..." Maybe she's right. I don't know what I'm protecting or fighting for...or holding sacred anymore. Evcerything's dirty. Everything's broken. All the truths were lies...there's nothing there. I'm nothing special...so deep down...I guess I'm just like everyone else, and just...not. "Fake it til you make it." A lover once said. Maybe I should just be..."happy." My integrity means nothing anymore...it's barely beathing...and if it's all I have over everything else...maybe I should give it up for everything else. I'm so tired of hurting because no one will just fucking pick me up. I should just walk away from it like everyone else does.

It's time to grow up. Start "living." Stop believing in fairy tales. Letting go of it all...just the thought, it hurts...but...from what I've seen...I'll be happier in the end...or...I'll look that way. And that'll make the people around me happy...and...that will at least make me happy. I should just shut the little boy inside of me up in his fucking closet, and barracade the door. There's nothing left to cry about...it's always the same shit...I've been fucked to oblivion. Why trust...why believe..? For what? Ordinary...really isn't that bad.
People like ordinary. Boys who like girls. Who look pretty, and feel like they're supposed to. Stray cats have no places in homes...its really cold in these ally ways...so...I think I'll come insid...in a minute.
I'm sorry...to myself. I apologize to myself for carrying on this long...for nothing. I thought holding on meant so much. It doesn't mean anything to anyone...and all I feel now is sorrow. I don't want to hurt when I smile now...so I'll start practicing again. It'll be okay in awhile. I just need some time...to kill my insides. It'll be okay.

goodbye

clubs and organizations
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10610745/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10610745/ Sat, 04 Nov 2006 06:22:40 PST
I don't know how to put words to anything I'm feeling. I feel threatened by those around me. Cold when the temperature means nothing. I'm going to have a headache soon. I can feel it. I have a phone call to make soon. I can barely form sentences at the moment. People rely on me for things I don't feel I should be capable of...I wonder if they knew the process, they'd finally realize that the trouble is too much to even ask of themselves.
The hole in my arm has healed, but like most self inflicted pain, a scar shall remain upon me that eventually only I will be able to see. My safety pin kisses. My scissor skin fucks. My smallpox fellatio my latest invisible memory...but I don't like itching.

I sleep now...for little time.
Then soon again to awake to madness.

clubs and organizations
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10596866/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10596866/ Thu, 02 Nov 2006 18:44:11 PST
las t night was a terrible sky. It looked as if a completely different world was assing us over..or that this one was dying. No one around me stopped to look up at it. For this..can I actually "HATE" people for their blatent peformances of such idocy, lack of concern, and just...what IS wrong with me? Anyway...it was seriously eerie, and the kind that you don't want captured in the memory that a photograph can create. It's image is burned forever or awhile into the back of retinas...like the pink moonlight I was saw...beautiful...but beautiful like a maimed and dying catastrophe. Nothing to be admired or thought of. Just something to be felt. Ominous feelings as such...tend to make me feel cold. So last night, I was cold.

I'm seeing "nightmare shadows" again.

For those of you who don't know, I occasionally suffer for violent and traumatic nightmares. I also typically "feel" them coming on, so...it's around that time that I stop sleeping...which I've been attempting. See, I've noticed even if I don't, If I stay awake at least near the hours of 4a.m. (having to wake up at 5a.m.) they're either not as bad, or they don't come at all. My sister once said "not to be afraid of the monsters in my head." Saying "they are just as much afraid of you as you think that you are of them." Off the wall though...I've been sleeping in irregular patterns and have gotten maybe 5 hours total of what can be called sleep in the last week...but I knew that it would be a "bad" one last night, so I watched An American Haunting, the Omen, and all the special features on A Nightmare On Elm Street into the wee hours of morning just to make sure I was exhausted. After awhile of living in my "nightmare phases", I start seeing shit during the day. Mostly cats...usually just lots of cats. Shadows though too. Lights at random, I'm sure just the results of exhaustion...well, except for the cats...which leaves me to my next functional thought...medication.
I'm a believer in the "old school way of thought." Simply meaning that if that kid makes noises, or cuts himself, or masturbates to horror movies, he's just "weird", or "creepy." No psycho analysis about it....however, this being said...when I say "I'm just being creepy"...typically, I mean that I'm being bi-polar, manic depressant with random fits of violent rages followed by extreme self-loathing and minor forms of body mutilation, and a mild case of what appears to be scizophrenia. (Oh yes ladies and gentleman, I'm quite the catch...but please, don't all try to lay me at once. I like gentle...then we can speed things up when the motions are right...lol....hmm...sad I'm making jokes about this.) However, the depression shines through mostly. Yes...add the ocassional fits of insomnia, and what may or may not be an ocassional eating disorder, and the nightmares...and..well
fuck, even I don't think I should really be around people much. Oh...yeah, joking, because put this on myspace, and I'll have people lined up waiting to be added to my friends list...but...I don't know. So I tried medicine a few months ago. Some stuff a friend gave me whose manic, and borderline bi-polar, and..they seemed to...i don't know...clear out my head a bit. Although...i didn't eat much...and forgot to do stuff...like keep in touch with the few people I call friends that pick up their phones. One day I broke down...I didn't take them for like a day and a half, and I just started crying so hard it hurt. So after that, medicine, no no. The feeling it gave me after that...was...barren. So like I do when I feel barren...I let some strangers feel me with their feelings until i felt something "real" that I could call my own. I often wonder though...maybe I should just go see some one...I mean, I like me. I think I have a good/interesting personality. I feel a little more than i should I guess. People take my dramatism and passions as...dramatism and passions...which sometimes...maybe is what they are. Not random fits and outburst. Obsessions, or signs of sickness...just me being "weird"...or creepy." I don't think i'd ever hurt someone if they didn't really deserve it...and...i can't hurt myself these days without crying violently and then mentally and emotionally degrading myself into sleep. So...I'd like to think I'm okay...for me. But it's the other peole in my life I'm worried about. My mother. My friends. My loves...hell, even my strangers. I worry for them. So I wonder if...sometimes, it'd be better being medicated. Clear headed. I mean, with how many complaints i get about certain "personality traits" of mine, it seems like an easy decision. But...i'm not willing...I don't know. I guess I'm not ready not to be crazy yet. When the voices in my head don't belong to anyone I know...then I'll be worried. And...it does wonders for my art. It seems these days, every poem I write is on the edge of a full mental breakdown. Every ph... ]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10555787/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10555787/ Mon, 30 Oct 2006 05:16:13 PST no one has control of my destiny
my luck is just the product of my inability to recede from situations in which my actions regarding will cause me severe emotional and psychological damage. It's not that I don't care.

I just don't see pain as a reason to stop...anything, really.
You know me

You know that

I have been cursed.
Loved.
Touched.
Raped.
Fucked.
Beaten.
Licked.
Sucked.
Stuck.
Stabbed.
Run Over.
Run through.
Left.
Abandoned.
Flipped.
Fronted.
Cast down.
Cast out.
Lost.
Found.
Re-discovered.
I've been beautiful...
and delicate...
and an entity upon itself.
I've been a quiet boy.
A squeaky toy.
The very essence of sadness and sorrow.
A ray of delight and sunshine.

You can play me.
Prick me.
Pick me apart for what I'm worth...but the one thing no one seems to able to do...
is keep me.

I am unkept...and therefor always free.
I run too fast for a leash around my collar...

and so

I will never be owned.

clubs and organizations
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10543530/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10543530/ Sun, 29 Oct 2006 01:58:17 PDT
Finally posting up some pictures I've been meaning to for a long while...oh wow!
I just ate some fresh pineapple, and OH MY GOD!! Un-FREAKING-believable. It was so delicious...wow! MM..(I'm still eating it.) God this is great! *licks juices from fingers and llips seductively attracting unwanted attention from co-workers* Wow...uhmph! *enjoys orgasm that can only be brought about by fruit* Dear God YES! *eyes roll* So anyway...*grabs more pineapple* I've got lots of writing to do as Broke has lost me in its story, poems are over cluttering my thoughts, and juu-juu is running rampant in my personal space. I had my first good dream in months the other day which was interupted by fire alarms. I was recently told that I was spineless and had no backbone because of my empathy and ability to feel and express feeling...sadly, I find that to be pathetic. To think that people feel that their calousedness is strength is horrible and disgusting. Even if all that you feel is pain and sorrow...its better than feeling nothing at all. If you're still alive, why mimick the dead? I love my ability to empathize and feel...to cry is a wonderful thing. To bleed is to be beautiful. To be anything else...I'd induce vomit to the point of asphyxia. Perhaps it's easier to live as a robot...but I'd rather be told that than experience it myself, because I'd rather not for get the pain it is of having a soul.

I have finished my fruit. I must go shower now.

clubs and organizations
]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10526805/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10526805/ Fri, 27 Oct 2006 11:38:59 PDT
Recently
the intensity of my mental anguish seems to be coming from my inability to find usefulness for the idealisms, and meanings behind love. What is it? To what value does it hold?...and...so what?! It's importance in the realm of intimacy escapes me. It doesn't stop people from cheating? Doesn't keep them faithful? Honest? Keep them around? HELL, if anything love makes people dishonest, cruel, and vile! So...what does it really mean if someone says they love you? I mean...when ou can't see it...or feel it...and it obviously does nothing?!?!? le sigh...perhaps...perhaps these days, I simply just don't have the faith. Some peop[le need to see Christ before they can believe there is a God.

But I can say, that I am honestly not wanting of love.

I have enough of nothing.

Just a little F.Y.I.
If you ever recieve the smallpox vaccination because you're in the military, or...what-have you. It will itch...and hurt...and form int a really disgusting and grotesque boil that oozes...don't cut a hole in it with your Gerber if you have one. It helps, but...it doesn't. Just some advice...heh! ]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10462024/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10462024/ Sat, 21 Oct 2006 02:08:03 PDT
Today is going to be long and short...
I can already feel it as it comes.

Music is keeping alive. For lack of better things. I'm updating my myspace...and I'll probably post some photos today...something I haven't done in awhile. I want cake today...I'll probably get pizza. Can't wait to get my new camera. Hope we bond like me and Fuji...

I have a test tomorrow. I have not studied. Bad juujuu. I hope though...something. Hey...has ayone ever seen a shooting star?
If you have, did you make a wish?...I hope you didn't. I won't say why...just that...that is an innocence about myself that I wish I could have kept.

Gunslinger Girl is good.
Must collect the series.
Highly reccomended. ]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10437646/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10437646/ Wed, 18 Oct 2006 18:26:29 PDT
Maybe I should eat a muffin.

Talked to the dark maiden yesterday. (The epitome of sadness. The curator of my lust...my fiance.) It was nice...I really do miss her alot. Hmm...perhaps it's the Russian air. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I first heard that phrase in Disney's rendition of Robin Hood. I like that movie! I don't like peas...I will NEVER like peas!!!

This tea is delicious. I actually got sleep last night. First time really in three days. I also got a small pox vaccination yesterday, and this grotesque..."thing" will sprout from my arm soon. I will post pictures in January if not sooner. I'm actually not that bad...for once. Nothing wrong, just my "normal/typical state of depression." (...) The base line that is there because of...well...I have a fucking soul, and I think alot. So yeah. Cool beans.
I'm trying to buy a new camera to replace my old one which was either lost or stolen...but I've got to wait until the first. I wonder how Sugarcult is in concert?

I look forward to coming home in a few months. lots of reasons...essentially, its nice to look forward to things again. More stuff to be posted soon. Still writing.
recently bought Gunslinger Girl. It's good. I like it! I must work now.

LALALA LA LALA...HUHHUHHUHHUH-HA! ]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10408315/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10408315/ Mon, 16 Oct 2006 03:48:25 PDT
I feel disgented.

I got an e-mail from my fiance the other day. (Which means she's my fiance.) And recieved a letter from my mother last week. I sent out a letter to my bro Lamont, and one to my friend Adrienne. There are a bout seven half written and unfinished. I'm terrible at not being home. I haven't been home for eight years. I really don't get the concept anymore...

Pizza here is good. On happy thoughts, I recently saw HARD CANDY, and THE MANSON FAMILY, both EXCELLENT films. I rewatched V FOR VENDETTA for the upteenth time. I also bought the new Sugercult and Deadsy album, and was amply satisfied...I shop when I'm depressed. (It's a really bad habit...SERIOUSLY!!!) However...I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT I FOUND THESE FUCKING AWESOME BOOTS IN ALL OF THEIR TOTAL AWESOMENESS!!! For which I also have pants, and the new Velvet Acid Christ album. (How that fits, I don't know...) I like soft things. Someone said I "Just need to get laid...", and though it's sad, sex is not all about love (Because they knew me SO well.) and it's sad to say, but sometimes a fuck is just a fuck...she's right. It is a very sad thing to say...almost as sad as it was to hear. I never want to be that far gone again...back when to me...it was less than nothing, and made the day go by faster. "Another birthday, another year closer to my death."...wow! ( I was a morose little teenager...CHRIST!)

It's God's rightful place to be forgiving, so I couldn't possibly bear the weight of such task. (damn I'm an asshole!) I need good cheesepie. (Yes, it's pie...think about it...I don't care what it's called, the format MAN!!! The shape!!!) I want to bring a kitty home with me...and a few of the natives, but that's illegal...so is the puupy I think too. I recently lost someone dear. It really hurt me, and I didn't even know them that well. She's not dead or anything...just a woman here...but she lost her job for no reason...and I was helpless to do anything. You complain in this country, you're fired. Employers can do what they want...pay you whatever they want, and if your lip even curls, you're replaced before you're even gone...then fired. There was nothing I could do...and not for lack of trying...and I refused to say goodbye. That's only for when you're never coming back! I'll miss you though...Elena. At least now I won't almost kill you everyday with my clumbsiness. Heh...

Can't decide between being angry or sad all the time. (Which ever one is cuter. lol.) But that's how I seem to be...unless I'm "wrapped up in something."
sigh...later.

I am clown porn. ]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10323073/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10323073/ Sun, 08 Oct 2006 08:54:07 PDT
I realized some time ago after my pathetic attempts at qualming whatever this "disgust" is that boils in my stomach, that I had forgotten to meet a friend of mine earlier today at the sad attempt for a bar/club we have here in this deployed environment. I sped. Damn near ran across the way. People's thoughts were loud. I've been called worse this week.
I approached the door, opened it, saw someone pretty, and pretended I didn't. She was sitting, playing some game with a large group of people, "smiling", and completely unconcerned. Unnaffected. I was forgotten.

I have become so pathetic that I can no longer make someone agitated, or even the least bit sad.

I'll see her in a few days, and she'll smile...

I was not the one who "forgot" today...

I wonder, the last thing someone really did because of my influence was cum...no, wait, I made someone cry. Same person..NO! Wait, I made someone else cry. Happy tears I think...so she said...is that all that I'm good for. Crying and cumming? I'd make a poor whore...and just as I was getting good too..! But a whore shouldn't make his clients cry...unless they beg for it, or unless they're good, and I just seem to do it all by accident, or by my new found abrasiveness towards others I find to be no more than a minor annoyance...people. Why am I like this? What can i do with these "skills" of mine? Oh..well...write. Make movies. Paint...yay, I'm already doing the one thing I seem to be good at that incorporates my skills. I smile. *It fades*

So many people are mad at me. Its so sad, but my life can be summed up my comparing it to my myspace. Every other week or so, one or two people dissapear from my friends list. It's like "Hey, it's you...you're not worth it." I don't blame them. I encourage them actually. I suck at internet stuff though..well..except in chat rooms where I seem to attract the interest of cam-girls, and porn sites...oh...that's everyone, huh? *sigh* That's sad...very well then! I will make you all cry and cum! I will even let you pick, but don't be greedy! Sexy pictures, and morose writings...and sometimes vice-versa! Thus is my existence. And in real life as well, in every aspect...okay, seriously, what does that??? Clown porn? Does clown porn make you cry and cum? Because it's so sad, and yet shockingly arousing? I don't know...I'm so fucking stupid...

I am clown porn. ]]> *quietboy http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10275538/ http://quietboy.deviantart.com/journal/10275538/ Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:29:40 PDT
I feel used, lied to, cheated, and less than nothing...for no particular reason in general...well, other than the fact that for the past three months, that's what's been happening. I don't know...some of all may remember some months ago, I lost two doscs containing edited versions of some photos I posted here, plus ones I'd just planned on sending, and running off to friends...yeah...I just found out that they were found...taken actually...and then given to...my "boss" essentially. Hmm...those of you who know where and who I work for probably can see a slight tracesty in this...but...the thing is...no ones said anything....but, I've been treated differently, was moved to a different shift where they put people "out of sight, and out of mind", and...well...I've been on "watch." Suicide and all others seeing that I may be "a danger to all others and myself", without my knowledge, I've been "investigated", my room has been periodically inspected...and well, everyone who's been remotoly nice to me has done so out of fear, or because they were ordered to keep an eye on me should I do something "out of sorts" or suspicious...
Art...I think differently...I dress differently...walk, talk, act, fuck, smell, taste, see...differently...and this makes me wrong...broken. Like everyone sees that big stamp on my aura that says "DAMAGED GOODS." I can't...WON'T deal with this shit...and have no strength to even dare to prove them right...and no care to prove them wrong. Another four year death it seems...and I barely made it out of high school...but...this is life, right? Suck it up and deal. You'll never fit or belong anywhere...cept with a bunch of misfits and creeps...who are emotional nomads, so it'll only be for a little while...but that's your life...that's my life. I've given up on the idea that I'll ever quit smoking...but I'm disgusted with myself for becoming one of those people that just "have to have" a cigerrette.

I'll live so long as I'm capable of suffering...
I'll write so long as I can breath...
I'll die as soon as I can feel again...

...mmm...death fuzzy... ]]> *quietboy