http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:quixoticcatie&section=today deviantART RSS for by:quixoticcatie en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 10 Dec 2009 09:20:40 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://quixoticcatie.deviantart.com/journal/19271926/ http://quixoticcatie.deviantart.com/journal/19271926/ Tue, 08 Jul 2008 11:03:02 PDT
The only reason I'm really writing here is because my emotions are getting the better of me. I tried to write this last night but instead I curled up and cried myself to sleep. Yay me.

I think I'm going to name you Jean or Jeans, because the most important guy in my life has a name that is a company that makes jeans. But we won't talk about him just yet. Save the best for last, they always say.

I guess worst is first, then, yes?

So Jeans, there's this guy. Let's call him... Smurf. Smurf and I have been talking whenever we're both on the computer for about a week now. I guess I sort of have feelings for him, but nothing like the feelings I have towards someone else. Anyways - He told me he loved me, and I begged him to take it back but to no avail. He refused to, which pissed me off. I personally hate the 'L' word. I only use it truthfully towards one person [that's not family or like one of my friendies] and when someone else uses it in reference to me, I get kind of crazy. I don't want him to love me. I know he doesnt, but the fact that he said is just urghhhh to me. And plus - he has a girlfriend. Which makes it worse. Because said girlfriend is one of my friends. But not in RL. So I told him I hated him the other night, but I didn't really mean it. And he forgave me. But last night, after someone 'left' me because I was being a bitch, I told Smurf that I hated him and when I apologized later and said I didn't mean it, he seemed convinced that I did and now hates me. Guess I got what I wanted, eh? But not really. I mean... the most important guy in my life is currently not really speaking to me because he more or less hates me, and now Smurf, who I would talk to about said most important guy and who would try to cheer me up, hates me. I'm just a hated person.

Okay now that that's over.

Sex. I might be 15 and kind of want to wait til I'm married or at least, you know, engaged, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I mean... it's scary to think that I'd give up my virginity, the one thing I can't get back, to someone I've never actually met but who I love all the same. My best friend has had sex, my other friend has had sex... and I think it's horrible. Jeans, I think I'm loosing it.

Drugs.I am dying to try meth and ecstacy and whatnot. I really want to see what it'll do to me, how I'll react, what I'll do. But I'll probably die so that's not a good idea. Doesn't stop me from wanting it, though. And around here, I could probably get it.

CocoPuffs. I haven't had these things in ages and now I want them badly.

Now for the most important guy in my life. We'll call him... Pants. Pants and I met ... a few years ago. I don't know. It feels like I've known him forever. He's truly the best man in the world. He's understanding, funny, and doesn't seem to mind me acting like a four year old when I get hyper and excited. If you knew him, Jeans, you'd fall in love with him immediately. He's smexi in more ways than one, and he doesn't mind that I'm not stick thin. He has this obsession with my butt, but I'm okay with that because he still loves me. Sometimes there's long periods of time when we don't talk, which is sad, but when we do it's like I'm on top of the world... until I come crashing down after making him mad. I know it's my fault, most of the time. And I guess he's finally reached his breaking point where it comes to me.

The past few days have been a never-ending rollercoaster. One minute, I'll be soaring and unbelievably happy. It's like I've gone to heaven without dying. But then... I do one thing or another, whether it's overreacting or whatnot, and then I do want to die. I get physically sick whenever he's mad at me. I feel so... useless. As if all I'm good for is pissing people off. And I don't WANT to be like that, but apparently I am. I don't even remember why he got mad at me last night. Again, probably my fault. All I know is that he seemed thoroughly pissed and fed up with me. So he left. And now I won't be able to talk to him until Thursday or Friday if I can't get on tonight - supposing that he'd even talk to me.

I don't blame him for not wanting to talk to me. I just wish that sometimes he'd act like he cared more about me than my ass. Nothing I do bothers him, it seems. And he says he has his own life. But I thought I was a part of his life. Apparently I was wrong. But I'm usually wrong about things. I truly, deeply love him, and he says that he loves me... but I don't know. It's hard to think that when I could date someone else, have sex, overdose, and he wouldn't care. I'm sure he'd care some about me overdosi... ]]> ~quixoticcatie