http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:red-nail-polish&section=today deviantART RSS for by:red-nail-polish en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 04 Dec 2009 02:41:15 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/28093810/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/28093810/ Sun, 01 Nov 2009 18:13:42 PST Things are horribly desperate here.
There's no money to be had. Dad tries and tries but he can't find another job. The odd jobs he picks up are barely enough to cover the bills and groceries. There's no food in the cabinets, and no heat. My parents are writing hot checks for groceries. I skip breakfast and have some toast for lunch, and then a small dinner. I don't eat much as it is. I cook a pan of rice for the cats and dog, because it's more than I can bear to see them looking at me, hungry. The house is still in shambles from the flood. The contractor that was my dad's boss up and left things as they were -- no proper ceiling or flooring in the kitchen, the walls made up of odd scraps and materials. The windows are broken. The wiring is still faulty, too. You can see the bare insulation in the walls -- what's left -- from daddy's boss ripping the walls apart to put new panels in. Then he left, so our house is much worse than it was. It was awful before the flood, and now it's . . worse than you can imagine, I'm sure.

I'm trying to find a job but again, there are no jobs. I've applied to thirteen places in the last three weeks without so much as a phone call. In my little town, thirteen places is pretty much the entire business district. I've applied at McDonald's, a daycare or two, a hotel, various stores and restaurants, everywhere. There are no jobs in surrounding towns, either. I've applied everywhere I can think of. I even briefly considered prostitution but that isn't an option.

I want to go stay at my grandma's but I don't want to abandon my parents. I keep things together here. Someone has to clean, after all, and take care of the animals. I should really find homes for them, since I can't promise them food for a certainty. I always find something for them but I feel like a terrible pet owner. I love them so much and it would be the best thing for them to have new homes, but . . Just thinking about it makes me cry almost.

I am bitterly tired of being poor.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/24648591/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/24648591/ Fri, 08 May 2009 09:08:53 PDT
I got a tattoo on Wednesday. My dad told me was going to take me to get one on Friday, but I called him from school and asked him to pick me up and take me to Mother's Grievance. Well, he did. So at one in the afternoon dad and I take off to get tattoos. We're driving along and dad turns to me and says, "It's going to hurt." I said, "I know." He said, "What do you drink?"
We ended up getting trashed. I got one tattoo, he got two. The artist knew we were wasted. He was laughing at us because we were trying to act all cool and collected, and we were falling down. We weren't causing problems so he went ahead and tattooed us. There was no one else in the shop. Dad went to get more booze as I was preparing to get my tattoo. The artist and I (I can't remember his name) totally bonded. I was laying there drunk singing along with Knockin' On Heaven's Door (GNR version) and he was laughing at me and singing, too. I love tattoos. I've already got my next two planned out, and I might get another this weekend.
Then we went to the nearest big city -- 60 miles -- and drove around. He was drunker than I was so I was driving. We were really, really messed up. I think on the way back (we left around 11 pm) I left a trail of vomit 60 miles long. I've never puked drunk but I think I've never been that drunk before. It was the dumbest thing in the world, driving like that, and I've promised myself never to do that again.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/24143861/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/24143861/ Thu, 09 Apr 2009 09:19:10 PDT COLLEGE IS FUCKING CONFUSING.

I'm sitting here, in Journalism class, trying to be responsible and taking a look at UCF's Nursing prerequisites. I'm a pretty intelligent person, able to anaylize information and come out knowing something and making a decision, but the phrase that comes to mind at the moment is, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?!"
I'd already figured out that I'll have to take a year of general college to get my core classes, and then declare my major (which is going to be nursing, by the way, as the job outlook for English teachers is ASS right now -- my current English teacher is getting laid off and he's an amazing teacher, recognized by the state). I'll be getting my Associate's in nursing to start off with and eventually get my RN.
Well, the admissions forms are extremely confusing and I don't even know what they're saying. Yeah. ;___; Me, the master of formal documents, English, wording, reading in general . . This sucks.
I need to take Biology and Human Anatomy as a senior, and maybe it'll give me some background so I won't be so lost in the science courses during general college.
As of now, I need to start filling out FAFSA stuff and scholarship stuff.

Josh and I would be married at that time, maybe, and we would have our own place off-campus as Josh is going to Full Sail. Rent in Orlando is going to suck. Anyway, I'd like to live a reasonable distance from UCF and I want to look into the cost of driving vs. the cost of public transportation. If public transportation is cheaper, I'll just buy a bus pass and call it a day. I hate driving in big cities anyway. If driving would be less expensive, I'll start saving for a car already (though mom and dad are probably going to give me their economical little car when they get a new vehicle this year).

FUCKITALL.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23866865/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23866865/ Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:51:58 PDT Josh decided not to go to Jville. He wants to be close to home and doesn't see the sense in traveling so far away when there are trade schools close by. His family is having some problems right now. His mom is depressed, his dad is stuck working so they can get by, his sisters are of little or no help around the house simply because they are the little girls and aren't ever told to do anything. His aunt and uncle just got kicked out of their house because his aunt's father held a grudge, and now they're moving into a small brick home that needs a lot of work. The thing is, money is tight. I've been over helping fix that house for the last three weeks.

So naturally, he wants to stay home and help his family. What I didn't mention is that the program in Jville would've trained him, paid him for attending their school, found him a job OR placed him in college with a scholarship, and found him a place to live. Instead, he's going to be footing it on his own now. We won't be in any position to get married after we graduate now, or to have a kid.

Speaking of, I'm PMSing every 11 days now.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23715577/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23715577/ Sun, 15 Mar 2009 16:19:04 PDT Saturday I probably had the best sex of my life. A lot of it, too.
Unprotected.
I was surprised that, after we ran out of condoms, he didn't want to stop. I was off the pill for a month but now that we've decided to wait until he gets back from Jville I went back on it to control the cysts. I've only been taking it for the last four days, so it's pretty ineffective right now. Usually it takes up to seven weeks before you can feel reassured about condomless sex.
Unfortunately, I'm not ovulating at the moment so, unless I've calculated totally wrong, my chances of pregnancy are just about zilch. I don't even have a reason to hope, which is probably a good thing as then I won't be disappointed. Still, I wish for some reason that I had cause to just hope.
Though, if I did get pregnant right now . .
Well, Josh would do one of two things:
1.) Not go to Jville and everything college wise gets all fucked up
2.) Go to Jville and I'd be stuck here, pregnant, alone

Both of them would tear both of us up. He's having doubts about going to Jacksonville already but it's such an amazing opportunity for him that I'm really encouraging him to go. He doesn't want to leave me here but I tell him that I'll still be here waiting, and they'd basically be paying him to attend their school. How can he pass that up, especially if we plan on getting married? He sees the logic of it but it's still hard on both of us, especially not that the months are ticking down and it's almost time for him to go. Having another year will help us prepare, too. I just can't help but wish, though. It's awful, this waiting, and wondering if I'm going to make it that far or if I'll have to have this bitch removed. I can't really eat anymore, and I'm always tired and sick, and it always hurts.
I take that back. It'll stop hurting for a week or a few days, but then the cysts will come back, and it'll start hurting again. It's a cycle. An awful cycle.

If Josh had gone into the army, we would be married right now. The benefits of the army would've taken care of me, but if I get married or drop out of school (hah. not going to happen) then my insurance no longer covers me. Josh and I talked for a while about it and he decided that the army isn't going to work out for him (thank GOD) though I did see a recruiter card in his wallet on Saturday. (No, I wasn't snooping. I was looking for condoms, thanks.)

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23673184/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23673184/ Fri, 13 Mar 2009 09:07:33 PDT red and light gold/cream/ivory

Wedding theme:
Love Story

Wedding place:
field or a beach


I'm actually counting calories. Yes. Counting calories. I feel kind of ridiculous but it's helpful. I'm eating a lot of junk food lately. I can't seem to stop eating. I have the eternal munchies. D:

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23514429/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23514429/ Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:35:16 PST
JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO. TELL ME. SOMEONE JUST MAKE THIS DECISION FOR ME SO I CAN STOP WORRYING, SO I CAN STOP QUESTIONING AND SECOND GUESSING MYSELF. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THIS DECISION. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. SOMEONE JUST TELL ME.

But this is a decision I have to make for myself.
Yeah, I'm going to get married in 2010 and try to have a child as soon as Josh gets back from Jacksonville. I know it already. I just wish everything would fast forward, so I can start taking action and living my life.

In other news, it's almost spring.

I've wandered off and things are gray again. Now I've got to bring the color back, and I know I can do it if I put my heart into it.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23212898/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23212898/ Sun, 15 Feb 2009 09:46:17 PST Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Naturally I went to Josh's house. We had to watch Billy but that was okay. Josh hooked up Billy's PS2 and we didn't see the boy again for hours.
Josh got me a rose surrounded by baby's breath in a heart shaped balloon, and an 'I Love You' balloon. It was sweet. I wasn't expecting anything because Ford spent all of his money last weekend on accident but he still came through. I made him a large heart shaped cookie and decorated it with frosting, and it was really, really cute. We cuddled while he ate it and he fed me a few bites. It was a great cookie, if I do say so myself.

Later we were all tangled up in each other on his couch, just relaxing and listening to music. Well, this song came on, and suddenly the whole atmosphere changed. I could tell something was wrong but I didn't say anything. I didn't want to be overbearing. I wanted him to tell me instead of me having to drag it out of him. So I just held him, and I didn't mind at all when his tears fell on my face. So I started wiping his tears away and he finally said, "Me and Blane used to listen to that song all the time." Blane was his best friend who died a couple of months before we met. I didn't say anything; I just held him.
Then he said, "I still miss him. I guess I haven't really gotten over it."
So after a few moments, which passed as I debated whether or not to ask, I finally asked, "What was he like?"
For a little over an hour we cuddled and he cried and told me all about Blane. He even laughed a few times. I held him and listened, because sometimes that's all I know how to do.
He said, "I was supposed to be with them. They wouldn't have died."
I said, "If you were with them, you probably would've died, too."
He said, "My aunt died so I blew them off." (Them = Blane and his little brother Tyler)
I said, "Baby, when your aunt dies .. your aunt dies. I'm sure he understood why you couldn't hang out with him. If he was as good of a friend as you say, he understood."
He told me about their quest to beat a video game, and how Blane wanted to go into game design so now that's what Josh wants to do. Now I kind of understand why he loves gaming so much. Apparently that's all he and Blane did.

So later he and I actually played games. Yes. We did.
Fable 2: Love.
Halo 2: Pisses me off.
Doom: Pisses me off even more.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23181616/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23181616/ Fri, 13 Feb 2009 19:30:11 PST I'm off of birth control, and I guess we're . . trying.

It feels really odd to say that. A lot of things have changed so rapidly that sometimes I don't even know where I'm at, or what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it. Take Geometry, for instance. I am very good at Geometry. I work hard to keep a high A in there but lately I don't see the point in doing it. Is knowing the properties of similar triangles going to help me feed my baby and pay the bills? No. It's useless. I just want to do something, anything, to start preparing myself. I want to read books and take notes or study or something. There's nothing to study, though. There are some things only learned from experienced but I feel so empty handed. It's like going to a gun fight without ammunition.

The only things that I feel are 'worth it' are English class and Drama. English for the future bachelor's, and drama just because I sing show tunes on the stage and feel much better about everything afterward. -shrug- I didn't get Rapunzel because Ward says I'm 'too stressed' after I told him everything. I hit the note, I acted the part, and yet he gives it to a sophomore who can't act? When I was guaranteed the part before auditions? He didn't understand that Into the Woods was all I had to divert me from this mess. Even at auditions, I was able to forget about everything else except being stuck in a tower.
I was so upset. He then had the audacity to ask me to design his set.
My response:
"Fuck you and fuck your stage."
I didn't say that but I'm sure my facial expression conveyed it.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23017105/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/23017105/ Thu, 05 Feb 2009 09:03:51 PST Creepy accurate.
YES for astrology. Here are some parts:

Sun in Sagittarius

She is good, idealistic, enthusiastic and warm-hearted. She is independent, has a taste for travel and freedom. She is pre-disposed to a professional career.

Weaknesses: She is too adventurous and leaves things to chance: takes risks which cause problems: she is rebellious and has a playful spirit.

267 Conjunction Sun - Moon

She has lots of vitality. She likes public life, she is popular and her company is appreciated. She is balanced, at ease with herself and gets on very well with her parents.

280 Conjunction Sun - Mercury

She is intelligent and knows what she wants. Is a good organizer, she likes moving, travel. She likes literature.

61 Conjunction Sun - Mars

She is energetic, determined, courageous, she is full of self-confidence. She likes to dominate, command, direct. She overcomes all difficulties by sheer will-power. She is frank.

-98 Square Sun - Jupiter

She is negligent, spendthrift. She goes to excesses of all sorts. She is proud and arrogant, and considers herself much superior to others.

Moon in Sagittarius

Likes to throw herself into the unknown and into adventure: she is agile, tough and enthusiastic. Attracted to long voyages, to discover the unknown.

Weaknesses: takes great risks in throwing herself into the unknown and into adventure. Audacious, bold and rebellious. Unable to stay in one place, is always ready to risk everything to achieve her goal.

Moon in X

Changes of situation. She is frightened of getting old and tends to hark back to the past. Influenced by the father. Success due to help from women.

378 Conjunction Moon - Mercury

She has good judgement, a good memory. She is intelligent, imaginative, vivacious and develops all through life. She speaks easily. She has an aptitude for learning foreign languages.

Mercury in Sagittarius

Democrat, philosopher, tolerant, respectful of laws. Likes foreign travel. Believes that everything teaches you something.

Weaknesses: free spirit, that likes adventure and will leap into hazardous and risky affairs.

Mercury in X

Her home and comfort are the only things important for her. She is intelligent and speaks easily and cogently. Easily keeps many irons in the fire and concludes her activities. Moves house a lot for business reasons.

Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.

Venus in Scorpio

Sensual and passionate, she likes love, the act of making love. Passionate loves, full of ardor and desire where the partner needs to be able to match her level or else recriminations will follow. While being passionate, she is also jealous and possessive.

Weaknesses: if disappointed or deceived in love, she can become bitter and odious. She hates the person as much as she used to love. Only jealousy can be as strong as hate.

Venus in VIII

Not frightened by the unknown, death. She has a peaceful and happy end. Natural and late death. Possible inheritance.

-62 Square Venus - Saturn

This aspect sometimes means unhealthy sensuality. She is hard, and does not know how to express her emotions. She is frightened of showing her love, and this leads to disappointments, break-ups, lack of satisfaction. It is likely that she had problems with her mother, who did not know how to love her or give her self-confidence. She doubts, is suspicious and jealous. She will learn how to be happy in love, to be at ease with herself and to control her jealousy in the second half of her life, thanks to an older person, who gives her self-confidence back to her, so she can then trust others. -- (.. Hm.)


Mars in Sagittarius

Fights against principles, society or a philosophy. Reasoning, ability to explain things, logic and debate.

Weaknesses: she goes to excess in the battle against moral or other principles. Has a somewhat revolutionary spirit, is intrepid but presumptuous.

Mars in IX

Deeply rooted opinions, which she knows how to defend energetically. At a certain moment of life, she can fight for a particular ideal but might abandon it along the way, being less convinced than at the beginning of its virtue or because she realizes that it is a losing battle. Conflict abroad or with foreigners.

168 Sextile Mars - Saturn

She is energetic and determined. She has strength and resistance, ability and patience: she is tough, and sometimes insensitive, and puts all her energy and talents into over... ]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/22831622/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/22831622/ Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:21:13 PST It's been quite a while, compared to my frequent entries of the past. I guess I've been too busy, and too stressed to write a proper journal entry. If I had tried any time earlier all I would've put would be something like "fjkfjkdjfdk kkkk -die-". So it was for the best.

I'm just going to put the short version of my latest chaos.
I will be getting married in 2010, ideally on July 3. I was going to be married this summer, only Josh has to go away to Jacksonville for a year. I think it'll be great for us to step away from one another and really see if this is what we want.
Anyone that knows me knows that I did not ever want to get married so early. It's so awfully small townish and there were things I wanted to do, like go clubbing in New York and do the rounds on the true goth scene. I wanted to be a theater actress and that's no life for a marriage and a child (which I'll get to in a moment) and I want to get a doctorate in English. It's not so much that I won't be able to do these things, but instead of saying "I want" I'll have to say "Can I" and put something else in front of my own wants.
Now, what spurred all of this?
I went to the Gynecologist on New Year's Eve because my remaining ovary is infested with cysts of varying sizes. It would be gone now only my mother won't sign the papers to get it removed. She says she doesn't want to be the one I blame when I'm thirty and want children.
I decided that I want to try to have a child this year. I want to get pregnant before I turn eighteen and get it taken out. It's coming out, regardless, unless I'm pregnant at the time and can't have the surgery. It's disrupting my life in so many ways. This Thursday I'm going to have a 'rocedure' done to check to scar tissue and any other abdomen problems, and then my Gynecologist and I will discuss pregnancy more thoroughly. She wants to make sure everything else is in working order before I go ahead with this, as a serious problem might not be fixable during a pregnancy. Due to my record, I don't blame her.
Josh and I talked about it, and he's willing to be a father. Only, he wants to marry me. He understands that I can't wait so he's agreed to try before he leaves, and get married when he comes back. We talked to our parents about it and so it's all out in the open. Imagine my father, who isn't supposed to know I even have a vagina kthnx, saying he would support me if I chose to get pregnant. He has a soft spot for kids and can't have any himself so he knows where I'm at. Mom had a hysterectomy before she met dad (I should clarify that 'dad' is my stepdad but he's the only dad I've ever known) and said she would've liked to have another child with dad, so she supports me, too.
Josh's parents .. not so much. I'm a hussy who is going to ruin their son's life. They didn't say as much, but I got the vibes, let me tell you. As if I didn't feel bad enough, selfish enough, stupid enough.
To top THAT off, my guidance counselor, when I went to her for help, told all of my teachers and was no help at all. I asked her if there were any possible scholarships but she refused to give me any information and made it a point to call my mother, who wasn't surprised and didn't like the counselor's 'tone'. Now all of my teachers know and just today one brought up teen pregnancy and how it can ruin one's life, etc.
I'm not even going to post here about how I feel. It's just all too much right now. I'm budgeting a wedding in my spare time at school and wondering how I'm going to get our extra room to not be so musty so the baby won't suffer in it's nursery. I've looked at all of my options to thoroughly that I could puke whenever I even hear the words 'options' 'you' and 'look' in the same sentence. I'm so tired of the hundreds of questions I'm getting asked by well meaning people, all of the 'What if's'. "What if you die?" "What if you miscarry?" "What if Joshua leaves you?" "What if you don't go to college?" And so many, many more.

HELLO. I am NOT quitting school. I would've quit it a lot earlier if I was, because I had a much more valid excuse and was .. I dunno, near death a few times? I AM going to get my doctorate one day, and I WILL be an English teacher. Gods willing, I am going to have this baby and this baby will be healthy, happy, and chubby. I'll do whatever I have to. That's all there is to it.

I'm just so exhausted lately. I want people to stop asking me questions. I want them to change the subject. I want to get this long wait to find out if I'm able out of the way. I want everyone to stop being so negative. I'm well aware of how people will talk but the reputation ship has sailed, really, after some vicious rumors two years ago that were the furthest from the truth a person could get. I want to have my ch... ]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/22285139/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/22285139/ Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:31:44 PST So here goes!

1.) Be nicer to the 'rents. They deserve it. I'll be turning 18 in '09. I might as well be on good terms with them as I enter adulthood.

2.) Learn to cook. By cook, I don't mean Prego spaghetti sauce and microwaved noodles, either. I've been doing pretty good but I want to make decent, guest-worthy meals before I hit college.

3.) Always keep my skin clean, moisturized, and smelling pleasant. It's not like I don't currently, but I rarely moisturize my legs properly or my face. I've been doing both lately, though, so I'm off to a good start.

4.) Keep a 'hope chest', and don't touch anything in it, dammit! D< I know around August I'd want to use the sheets or cook something in a new bowl or whatever, but I absolutely mustn't!

5.) Stop slacking off and keep my A's. I'll get a perfect average and then decide I can skip an assignment or two, and then it'll drop me down to a B. I'm so much better than a B.

6.) Make a college decision. Yeah. I've gotta do it.

7.) Stay healthy. As in, take my medicine like I should, eat the way I should, and do 'bad' things once a month at most. It always takes my poor skin days to recover, and it can really crash my system if I go overboard.

8.) Learn. Learn, learn, learn.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21686223/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21686223/ Wed, 26 Nov 2008 18:17:03 PST
I want to go. Part of me really does. It's not like I've been going overboard lately. Next weekend, it's my birthday. Will I be able to do anything? No! That Saturday is opening night. I've got to be fit and ready. I want to spend time with him and party with his friends, and just let go.
At the same time, I have a very bad feeling about it. I mean an awful feeling. I'm thinking of an excuse as we speak. Maybe it's because I know that the driver will be drunk. My feeling might be wrong, of course, but I'm going with my instinct this time.
I also don't want him to go, but I can't stop that. Well, I could, but I don't want to keep him from hanging out with his friends.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21600133/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21600133/ Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:55:52 PST All I know is this:
I want to be that person who takes the stairs down the platform at the end, speaking my last lines with only a soft spot on me in the darkness, the power of my skill making those in the front row kneel on the carpet before the stage in tears when suddenly the row of bright lights in the back come on with a pop and blind the audience. I want the standing ovation as people let their tears flow freely down their faces. I want to move people like that.

I'm worn down to bones right now. I keep asking myself what I'm going to have to give up to do that. The way things are set now, I have two options. Live a quiet, writing life helping someone else achieve their dreams, or follow mine and lose that security and love forever.
So last night I quietly gave him my conditions. I only had two. If he can't deal with those, then fuck it. I'm going to Troy.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21506020/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21506020/ Sat, 15 Nov 2008 18:14:19 PST My class ring was glittering on my finger, all silver with it's beautiful onyx stone, and Josh's necklace (the black one with the silver and black cross) was out of my shirt and visible. I was looking down and noticing both of them, and suddenly I felt so weighed down by what they both symbolize. It was bad enough that I had to take them off.

The class ring means so many things to me. I'm a hugely sentimental person. I'll start with the obvious. On one side, it has my name in riased silver letters with a Confederate flag below it. Who I am, where I'm from. On the other side, it has my graduation year, 2010, and the faces of comedy and tragedy. The future, my dream. The engraving inside is 'Or Not', which is to remind me of my choices. No matter how inevitable a choice seems, there's always another option: or not.
I'm a fan of silver, and black looks so good with silver. Black is one of my favorite colors. It's so misunderstood. It actually repels negative energies, and draws the light. Even science can prove that last part.
The ring also reminds me of my obligations and my friends. I do my work well or I feel like I don't deserve to wear it. I hope that this ring will help me remember all of my school friends when I move on, too. They're too precious to forget.


The necklace is more simple. He gave it to me on July 5, in the dark after he'd planted a very soft kiss on the back of my neck. It reminds me of the promise I made to him, my current happiness and the upcoming pain. A cross would not be my first choice of jewlery, but it can symbolize elemental harmony and the directions. I promised him that I'll be here waiting when he gets back, and maybe we'll have a life together. I don't know.


As I was looking at both of them, I felt so burdened. I took them off and slept that night without them. The next day I was getting ready for school and I suddenly realized that I made these choices. I wanted these things. They aren't a burden; I want them. I only have to be true to myself and now to Josh, no one else. They aren't symbols of me giving all I've got to the rest of the world. Rather, I'm getting.
So I just put them back on and felt better.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21417915/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21417915/ Mon, 10 Nov 2008 09:12:50 PST I'm SO putting this on an icon:

"I still fall, but I've learned to fall gracefully."

< 3

Back to school.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21393683/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21393683/ Sat, 08 Nov 2008 18:55:32 PST I was supposed to call him this afternoon, but my knee dislocated (again) and I was in pain, so I took some medication and went to bed.
I called him at six.
Maybe he went to his Uncle's unexpectedly and can't call or something.
All I know is that I want to talk to him.


I was very proud of myself today. My knee dislocated, and I ended up in the dirt fighting off the dog who was completely convinced that I wanted to play, crying my head off. No one realizes that I don't cry because it hurts; I've got a pretty high pain tolerance. I cry because it's just one more reminder of the things I'll never be able to do. Maybe I could attempt them, but I don't deal well with having my hopes dashed due to my own failure.
Usually this bout of depression lasts for about a week but I've discovered that I'm already over it. I'm resigned. I only have two options: Have more surgeries, or deal with it as is. I'm better at dealing with it. I have other doors opening for me in my life now. I could have a place in theatre, just not musicals. It's a compromise.
Just . . how many more times am I going to fall? Am I ever just going to sit alone on the ground and not get up? I was tempted. Oh, I was tempted.


Damn it, he's in my bones.
WHY hasn't he called?
Where is he?


I think I need to read The Perks of Being a Wallflower again.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21124089/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/21124089/ Thu, 23 Oct 2008 11:14:50 PDT

Homecoming week was last week. Right now I'm on fall break, and using this time to catch up on my online courses. Almost finished! YUS!
I'm on birth control now. No, that doesn't mean I'm a whore. I'm just trying to be responsible. Josh and I haven't gone that far yet, but when we do, I want as little worry involved as possible.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20672492/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20672492/ Thu, 25 Sep 2008 16:32:38 PDT I found a new awesome song.
Handlebars by Flobots.
In English, Mason hijacked Morris's computer and started playing this song. We all fell in love with it. It's .. amazing in some weird way. It's got a unique sound and a powerful message. YES. lol.

It's an uneventful week.
Well,actually, there was one major event last night, but that's a special secret.
According to Mandy, I'm a lucky bitch, and Becca hugged me so hard I think she cracked one of my ribs. My life is set. My future is definite, as definite as it can be in this everchanging world.

look at me look at me
driving and i won't stop
it feels so good to be alive and on top
my reach is global
my tower secure
my cause is noble
my power is pure

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20587800/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20587800/ Sat, 20 Sep 2008 15:45:55 PDT Or can I?
I'm still worried. It's like it's one thing after another. I'm hitting my stride in school, but when I come home . . it all just sort of falls apart. I'm worried about my dad, about my mom's sanity, about Lia, about my future. I'm putting a lot of stress on my parents because of all the things coming up for me this year. Prom, my class ring, homecoming in a few weeks . . All of this costs, and my mom is agonizing over how to pay for it all. I'm not even mentioning my college plans. My dad's bipolar disorder has been seriously active lately. The slightest little thing will set him off into this gods awful rage. I just stay in my room now, curled up with the phone and my Spanish book. I've decided that I really want to master Spanish. I've got a talent for languages, I think. My mother is slowly going insane. I'm seeing the signs of a nervous breakdown approaching. Dad yells at her for nothing. Whenever she sticks up for me, he goes insane. I seriously think he'll have a heart attack in one of these . . rampages. I think his medication is fucking with his brain or something. I'm going to be breaking my parents' hearts in so many ways soon. I wish I could say more about it, but some things shouldn't even be thought too loudly until they happen. My future is coming at me fast, now. I know what I want to do. Exactly what I want to do.
Mr. Morris gave me back my essay a week ago so I finally got to read his comments for himself. They were somewhere along the lines of, "You don't need my help. This is the best essay of any of my classes, including honors. My advice is to write for a living." Reading that was like . . Okay, imagine that you're falling and suddenly your feet find the ground. There's a hard jolt, and it's not unpleasant because you've finally touched something stable and hard and there, but all the possibilities of the fall are gone. It's like that. I know now that I'll never act, but that I'll write instead. It's like my vision was blurry, but then it cleared as I read that. What I want to do is get the highest degree possible in English literature and creative writing.
Once again I'm overwhelmed by the desire to just learn, to learn everything there is to know in this entire universe, and beyond. I want it all, inside my head and my heart.
Me and him have made some tentative plans. Nothing too concrete, because we both know that things change so rapidly, but I can write anywhere. I'm willing to follow him wherever they put him.
I'm talking sometimes less and less, but sometimes more and more. As the days get worse, I talk more, to put myself and others in a good mood. Friday, Becca and I were both feeling wretched. I had already punched Patrick and I wanted to kill some black guy behind me who was talking about my ass and his dick, and she was about to just freak out. We were silent and then I looked at her and I was like, "Let's hug because today just sucks." And we hugged for like ever in the lunch line. We were laughing by the end of it and it turned out to be okay after that. Becca is an amazing friend.

As for my faith, it's strengthened. I look outside and I see the world, the natural world, in front of me and I'm at peace. It's slowly getting cooler outside. It's such a huge pleasure to walk otuside and not be attacked by a wave of heat. I can go on my long walks now, and enjoy them without sweating and smelling odd and the like. My faith is not morally wrong. I am not going to burn for it. I've embraced it and I'm happy. I don't discuss it. I don't flaunt it. It's deep inside of me now, where no one can mangle it with their Bible-based views.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20485904/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20485904/ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 09:20:05 PDT tonight you're fallin in love
this feelin's tearin' me up

My beloved dA. < 3 Last night was just as fun as I thought it would be. A lot of unexpected people showed up, which makes me feel like either A.) I'm popular enough to know and be friendly with most of this county, or B.) I live in a very small world. I think it's a little of both.
I went to Josh's a few hours before the dance. I hung out with him and Kacy while they played Rockband and attacked each other. I was almost a casualty of the fight, 'cause I was sitting on the couch and a few times they were jumping over it and demolishing anything in their path. D: Kacy ended up cuddling with me and screaming, "I'VE GOT YOUR GIRLFIEND!" I was laughing too hard to say anything.
Then we went to the dance. I didn't think Becca and Thomas were going to show, and they didn't until like an hour later. I met some of Josh's friends. They're all so .. big. D: Giant guys. He has a few chick friends, too, and they were nice enough. Though, I'll say from experience: Chick friends usually hate/strongly dislike the girlfriend. They weren't openly evil, though. I'll never hate Drew's/Garrick's/Marty's girlfriend ever again without having a reason.
Kim and Emily came, and Martha. I don't hang out a lot with them outside of school but I claim them as friends. < 3 Emily is fucking hilarious. Kim got sad for some reason, but after I asked her what was wrong and she wouldn't tell me, I just let it go. I feel kind of bad about that but I'm not spending my entire night worried about her if she won't even tell me what's bothering her. No offense.
I only had two bitchy moments. < 3 First, Josh and I were going to dance to a slow song. We were holding hands and this pissed-off looking short kid came walking and tried to walk between us, but we didn't let go of each other's hands. He turned around and was like, "Fuckin' .. somethingsomething." And I was like, "Stupid fucker!" If he would've been a girl or if Josh hadn't been there, I totally would've fought him. That just pissed me off. Then, Josh and I were sitting down and this really scarily happy prep came over and was like, "OHMIGOODDDD. WHY AREN'T YOU SMILING. YOU NEED TO SMILE MORE. GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE." Josh was like, "... I'm good." He just held my hand instead. She was like, "THINK OF BUTTERFLIES AND BUNNIES." And I whispered in Josh's ear, "Or of someone killing this bitch." He laughed at that. Then she turned to me and was trying to get me to high five her and I was like, ".... I'm good." She started complaining about how mean we were and I wanted to stab her in the face.
I'm proud of my restraint, though. This kid, Jimmy, who I am sort of friends with, showed up to be with his girlfriend. Emily, Kim and I went to talk to him and his girlfriend is a major bitch. I was like, "Hey Jimmy Cornhusker." And she was like, "Uh, it's McCusker." I just looked at her. Then ignored her. She tried again. "Oh, you hang out with Katie? ... Nevermind I'm not going to say anything." Then she looked at Kim and was like, "Oh, I've heard about you." In this snobby bitch voice.
I said bye to Jimmy and left him alone for the rest of the night. What I should've done was, "OH YEAH! KATIE BRAGG IS MY BEST FRIEND! OF COURSE I HANG OUT WITH HER! DUUHHHHH!! -hugJimmyalot-" But it was Josh's school and I didn't want to start anything.


Then Becca came and we danced, but personally I was happy just to sit with Josh. I love that boy. No other boy has ever made me sit down at a dance. Not that he made me; I just didn't want to leave him. There was even a moment during a certain song where I kind of wanted to cry, because I was happy and in love and everybody around me was happy. I just kind of rested my forehead on his shoulder and he kissed the top of my head aannndd .. yeah. There were mushy moments, but I'm keeping those all bottled inside to get me through the week. Sorry kids. < 3


Kacy and I walked in the parking lot 'cause she had to go get the van, and Josh wanted someone to walk with her because her EX was there and he was trying to start shit. Josh couldn't go with her himself 'cause he was helping out at the dance and couldn't go outside. Her ex actually sat in the parking lot, staring at us, until we left. It was kind of .. creepy and scary at the same time. All of Josh's friends were watching out for her, though. They didn't leave until we did, either, just to make sure that nothing happened.


All in all, it was great.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20444125/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20444125/ Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:17:52 PDT The day after that is Saturday (sabado). < 3
Saturday is my day with Josh. Whoo. Hopefully, Becca and Thomas will be able to go to Josh's and we can chill before the dance. If not, I'm fine with that. I'll have Josh all to myself and we'll wander off to the barn with his puppy, Dan. That dog is adorable.
Anyway.
I'm really looking forward to Saturday. I'll be with him for over twelve hours. I'll get to dance in the dark to loud music with one of my best friends. Have I ever mentioned that dances are my element? If we had any clubs around here I'd be a serious clubber. Maybe Chris will be the DJ. I haven't seen him in forevs. I think I'll wear my hightops with the duct tape that keeps the white rubber in place on the right shoe. < 3 The ones with the neon laces.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20373969/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20373969/ Sun, 07 Sep 2008 11:42:33 PDT Last night.
^________^

I have three different kinds of memories: the good ones, the bad ones, and .. the special ones. Last night will most definately go in the special category. It was amazing.
I don't know why it was amazing, either. It was just me, Josh, and Nathan in a car flying down some dirt roads with rock music as our soundtrack. I can't even begin to describe it. We went to a lake and hung out on the dock, and then his school where we were confronted by the cops, and then we just drove around. We ended up 'loitering' in a parking lot of a convienience store for about an hour before Nathan drove me home.
I dunno. I had an awesome time, but then it doesn't take much to make me happy.

Now I turn on the radio and hear some of the songs that were playing last night, and they'll always remind me of Nathan taking the turns way too fast so Josh would have an excuse to hold onto me. xD Not like he needs one.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20313138/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20313138/ Wed, 03 Sep 2008 18:12:05 PDT Things are going great right now, believe it or not.
Tuesday I had a really horrible day. I was thinking too much, which happens sometimes. I ended up with a migraine, and laid in bed all day after school waiting for that special phone call, the highlight of my day. It came, but only for a few minutes, because he had to stay the night at a friend's house, and it was late. After we hung up, I was on the verge of tears. I did cry a little, actually. It was just a gods awful day, and I kept wondering if that's what Jacksonville is going to be like.

Today, however, was excellent. Micheal (or should I say Juan Esteban) let me borrow the Rocky Horror Picture Show. We then compared notes about condoms and how the ones from the health department are too small for him. xD My English teacher told me I wrote the best essay he's seen in any of his classes, and that I should write for a living. This gave me an unbelievable boost of confidence. It's like .. I've got talent. I know that. It's been confirmed, and it's a valid thing now. In fourth period Becca and I compared plans for the weekend and we discovered that we are going to the same place, and that our boyfriends are friends. Whooo. In Geometry my little team thing won, because of me. I knew how to do the problem and I was like the only person. Geometry isn't so bad. < 3 (line d intersects planes M and B but M and B do not intersect -- worth 20 points, and our only serious competition got it wrong) Then I had drama at the end of the day, which is my favorite class besides English, and thus puts me in a good mood. After that Lia and Kota came to the school to pick up Platt and I chilled with them for a few minutes. Two hours on the phone with Josh completed my day. < 3

So see? Things go from horrible to amazing. It's the little things that cheer me up.

(P.S. I stole Josh's boxers last weekend. rofl.)

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20255212/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20255212/ Sun, 31 Aug 2008 15:09:16 PDT
So on Friday, I had a visit from someone I most definately did not expect. I was sitting in my room when I became aware that a truck had pulled up, a red one. I was trying to figure out who it was as I walked outside when I recognized the dogs in the back. It was Katie's mom. I haven't heard from Katie in about a week, (Daniel claims she's grounded), so the first thought that came to my head was, "Is she okay?" I was about to panic.
Thankfully, Katie's fine. Jennifer was just dropping off some records for my walls. She had Victoria with her. I kept wondering if Jennifer was going to yell at me for all the things I knew but didn't tell her, or if she was going to tell my parents anything. I couldn't figure out the reason for her visit. It was clearly more than dropping off some decorations, but I didn't realize exactly what until she said, "If you don't want them you can throw them away," in this little voice. I replied, "I'm not going to throw them away," with a really big smile and stuff.
Either: A.) She really did want to see if I was doing okay. B.) She misses Katie and wanted to see someone that reminded her of her daughter. C.) She wanted to scream at me but decided not to.
Whatever. I have more records on my walls now.


So Saturday.
I went to Josh's. We had to watch Billy, who is a rather bratty-but-sometimes-cute little boy. We just cuddled on the couch and watched TV while Billy acted like a retard.
Not that we didn't have our moments alone. ;D
I'm going to miss him so much. The hell. :c I don't want to face next year.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20135998/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20135998/ Sun, 24 Aug 2008 18:22:32 PDT Take a look at my life, all black
Take a look at my clothes, all black
Like Johnny Cash, all black
Like The Rolling Stones wanna paint it black

Like the night that we met, all black
Like the colour of your dress, all black
Like the seats in my Cadillac
I used to see red, now it's just all black

As long as I could remember I dreamed in black and white
As I grew up and the sun went down, I never felt more alright
My mother she use to tell me: Son you better get to church
It's a dark, dark world and it's evil out there and you know it's only getting worse
Yeah, I've never been much for weddings or anniversaries
But I go to a funeral if I'm invited any day of the week
Some people say that I sound strange, some say that I'm not right
But I find beauty in this world every single night

I sat down at her table at the end of the night
She was having black coffee and a cigarette, she wasn't wearing white
She said, people tell me that I'm strange, they say that I am not right
She said, the only time I feel alive is in the dead of night
I think I found the one for me

I remember feeling so alive
The night I looked into her eyes


Great. This is just great.
Katie was talking about sending pictures to some guy and I wanted to show her how easily those pictures are seen by the wrong person, and she just flipped out. Now she thinks he was LOOKING for those pictures, and that he's cheating on me or something.
I mean honestly.
All I wanted to do is to try and make her be more careful. This is what I get for trying to help people.
And tomorrow I've gotta tell him that I told her, and he's going to be annoyed/aggrivated/upset, and so the two most important people in my world are going to be [link] at me.
Well fuck it. I'm tired of trying to please everybody, to help them, or whatever.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20097069/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20097069/ Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:03:37 PDT In case you haven't seen, a tropical storm called Fay is coming across the Panhandle of Florida. Whoo. I've gotta say, I love living here. We don't get snow days. We get hurricane/storm days. It's already eerily calm outside, except for the few bursts of wind. It feels really good, too. I can't wait for Fay to hit, though I do like these pre-storm conditions a lot. Of course, all of my plans for this weekend were cancelled due to this, but nothing is better than sitting home alone with your kitties during a storm and gushing about how crazy it was Monday morning at school. < 3

Bring it on, Fay.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20066453/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/20066453/ Wed, 20 Aug 2008 19:14:52 PDT NO. That's a NEGATIVE, Ghostrider.

How old will you be on your next birthday?
17. < 3

Have you ever seen a live bat?
Yes.

Is there anything/anyone you hate?
Yes.

Are you single?
No. < 3

Do you like the color orange?
Nope. It reminds me of jails.

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
It depends.

Would you rather not drink or not sleep?
Not drink.

Have you ever seen a real redneck?
God yes. My family is a family of rednecks. I live in the boonies. < 3

Do tattoos and piercings excite you?
Snake bites are hot, but other than that, not really. Not in a sexual way, anyway.

What's the meaning of life?.
I'd put something profound here but my eyelids are about to shut of their own accord.

What size shoes do you wear in womens/mens?
81/2 in womens.

What's your favorite season?
Fall.

Do you care if people talk smack about you?
No. I know the truth, so it doesn't matter what they say.

At what age do you want to get married?
There's not really an age thing here. Just .. whenever the right guy asks. Or whenever I feel up to kidnapping/drugging someone.

How long are you on the phone daily?
One to two hours.

Sorry, I forgot to ask your name?
Jasmine.

Are you in a good mood?
Yeyuh.

Do you think people will exist forever?
No. Everything has to end eventually.

Do you believe in luck?
Yes. I have very bad luck. The ninth house is the ruler of luck, but it never said GOOD luck.

Everything happens for a reason, right?
Yes. YES YES YES.

Would you rather skydive or bungee jump?
Bungee jump.

Do you like snakes?
... No.

Where is one place that you'd like to visit?
Joe Perry's house.

Do you like waffles?
They're okay.

Anything your looking forward to?
This weekend.

Do you have more or less than five best friends?
More.

What would you do if the friend you talk to most stopped talking to you?
I would go into my room and cry.

Does the number 23 have any significance to you?
No.

Be honest, do you like people in general?
No.

Big or small dogs?
Depends on the breed. If I have a big dog, it'll be a pitt bull (fuck you lawmakers) and if I have a small dog, it would be a Bichon Frise or however you spell it.

Do you like Big Macs?
Nope.

Did someone bother you today?
Nope.

What do you think about death?
I think it's eventual and inevitable and I just hope it doesn't hurt. I hope I can face it bravely.

Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?
Sometimes. No one in particular, just someone different.

Does someone love you?
Yes.

Do you know anyone named Dave?
Yes. He's crazy.

Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a R?
Nooo.

Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
Just over the phone.

Have you ever tried Gatorade?
Yeah. I have to drink it 'cause I have an electrolyte problem and I tend to get dizzy and faint and stuff without it.

Do you think that Starbucks is expensive?
Coffee = gross.

Are you named after a family member?
No.

Say you were given a drug test right now. Would you pass or fail?
Pass. No, wait . . Yeah. Pass.

Are you taller than 5'6“?
No.

Ever see a dead body?
Yes.

Do you like the color blue?
Sky blue is okay. iPod blue is okay.

How are you?
Sleepy.

Who was the last person to send you a text message?
My dad.

Last restaurant you went to?
Cracker Barrel.

What is the weather like today?
Humid humid humid, and cloudy, and dim looking.

Last voicemail you received?
From dad, telling me to call at a certain time.

What did you do yesterday?
I went to school, came home, talked to Josh, crashed. The end.

What's the first thing you would do with five million dollars?
.. Sleep with it.
No seriously.

How many hours did you sleep last night?
12. No really. I fell asleep at six in the evening and woke up to my alarm at six in the morning.

Any upcoming concerts you want to attend?
No. D:

Who's the last person that you felt was stalking you?
Yeah. Matt... ]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19969616/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19969616/ Fri, 15 Aug 2008 12:01:55 PDT
Mm. I've got a lot of strange, unrelated things to say. They're just things that I've been thinking about, and reasoning, and anaylzing. Just typical anal rententive, obsessive me. < 3

First off.
I went to the mall with Brandi. We had so much fun. She's one of the few Christians I know that isn't hypocritical or overly-religious. Of course, I know there are more, but they're all like fifty years older than I am and not good mall material. So we we're just bopping around the mall, and we go into Hot Topic and drool over all of the cool yet over-priced clothes.
Then we walk into Aeropostale. I hate the feeling I get when I go in that store. I look at everything and it feels so commercial and fake, and overused. The girls there were all pretty and preppy girls with perfect hair and beautiful bodies, chatting in sparkly voices about 'the cutest pair of jeans!' I wanted to go crawl in a little corner and hide, because I felt so utterly plain, boring, ordinary, and completely unamazing.
I don't have self-esteem issues but something about that store and those girls made me just want to die. I've always wanted to be amazing and wonderful, but it hit me then that I am not the 'stunner' or the showstopper. Yeah, I've had my moments, but nobody looks at me and wishes they had my sense of style or my hair or my awesomeness. My style is more vintage/punk/weird, which isn't what's IN. Wetseal is what's IN. I'm just .. thrift stores and flea markets and Hot Topic.
I'm feeling better today. Yesterday I felt so bland, like I didn't even have a personality. I know that's not true but I can't help the way I feel sometimes.


Something that I've been thinking about.
Josh recently mentioned one of his new favorite songs, Downfall by Yeah Whatever. I looked it up and listened to it, and one part goes, "She's my downfall, she made me lose it all." I didn't really think it was about me or anything, until this afternoon when we were on the phone. I was teasing him and saying, "I'm too curious." or something like that and he says, "Yeah, but I like it. It'll probably be my downfall some day." He said it casually and we went onto other topics but now I wonder how he meant it. Am I going to be his downfall? I don't want to be. I want to be so many things to him but not his downfall, not what makes him crash and burn. Guh.

I found the song that I will dance to at my wedding, though. "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Deathcab for Cutie. Sweetest song ever.


Today I went and got some school supplies. I saw these binders and fell in love with them. They're like the normal black and white ones except .. NEON COLORS. < 3 YES. They were inexpensive, too. Got highlighters, pencils, pens, white out, that sort of thing. I'm getting ... thoughtful, I guess, about school. I'm not excited yet but I'm not dreading it.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19949317/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19949317/ Thu, 14 Aug 2008 09:15:29 PDT Well.
My new place is practically finished. < 3 I moved my stuff in this week. My thumbs are all achy and bruised from pushing so many thumbtacks into the walls. I went through two boxes, putting up records, pieces of paper, small objects, pictures from Harper's Bazaar, comic books, you name it, it's up there. My desk is beneath my big window, my bed beside the two smaller ones against one wall. I've still got to clean out the closet but I'm taking my time on that. I can't even begin to describe the peace and quiet out there. I've gotten some great sleep since Monday night.

Tonight I'm off shopping. Whoo me. School starts on Monday. I think my body is ready for it 'cause I've been waking up earlier and earlier each day this week. Today I was up by 6:44. D< Still an hour and fourteen minutes too late, but maybe it won't be such a drag this year.

I dragged Josh to a party Saturday to meet my friends. They love him. xD He came in my house and two of my best friends were laying in wait for him. They dove on him as he walked through the door and he had this completely surprised look on his face. It was priceless. Later he was like, "I saw someone duck under the window and I STILL walked in."

Mom and dad got shitfaced a few nights ago. It's a rare occurence, actually. My mom is such a non-drinker that I had to show her a few things, such as where to find the alchohol content on the bottle, and I had to make sure she didn't take her nerve medicine when she was drinking, and I got her to eat something, etc.

Oh and my dad may have lymphoma.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19765946/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19765946/ Mon, 04 Aug 2008 07:26:09 PDT Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to use my two floating vacation weeks starting now and catch up on my social life. I don't think I'm going to finish my courses by August 18 anyway, so why keep pushing myself? I had a migraine so bad yesterday from staring at this stupid screen. I miss my friends, and I want to see Josh badly. I also need to start culling out my wardrobe and used supplies for school, so I'll know what I need. I just want a break from schoolwork. So my long term plans are going to alter a little but I can handle that. I'll come up with something else. I always do.

Yesterday was my one month anniversary with Josh. Overall, it was a great day. We couldn't see each other, and I didn't call him when I said I would, but it worked out. After morning church services I took my dad to Wal-Mart (got my permit btw) and when we got back, I had a headache. They went to the evening service and I stayed home in my pajamas and talked on the phone for two hours to him, and it was a great conversation. Then we talked online. Now he knows some major things about me, and I feel better about telling him. His mom has restricted him to one twenty minute phone call each day, because he's sort of grounded I think. However, she wasn't home. Nobody was home. So we could talk, and freely, and it made me feel so much better.

Now I'm going to go turn in my stuff to get my two weeks off, and I'll start replying to messages ASAP. Sorry to keep you guys waiting. ;__; I have like a million Deviations and notes, so it might take a bit.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19703978/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19703978/ Thu, 31 Jul 2008 16:49:29 PDT
My mind is going crazy. I just found out something that makes me insanely happy, and makes me wonder about myself, and makes me think a lot. Long and hard thinking. I'm not going to put it here, because it's kind of private (KATIE I WILL TELL YOU OVER YAHOO THE FIRST CHANCE I GET WHEN MY PARENTS AREN'T HOME CUZ YOU KNOW HOW MY DAD LIKES TO READ STUFF YO LOVE YOU) but it's just .. wow.

I'm in a spring cleaningish mood. Which means, cleaning my room thoroughly before school starts. I don't even know why I'm doing it, since I hope to be in my new room before then, but I feel the need to do so anyway. < 3

Josh and I are doing great. Don't get to see each other that often because of my stupid schoolwork which is taking up my ENTIRE LIFE because I have to finish before the 17th, but I may get to see him on Sunday. God that's so far away. >_< Anyway, I'm really busy right now so if I haven't replied to your comments, notes, Deviations, etc., please don't get pissed at me. I'll be a more regular correspondent once school starts again (sounds crazy, right?) LOVE EVERYBODY. PEACE OUTTT.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19614271/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19614271/ Sat, 26 Jul 2008 21:36:58 PDT I'm listening to Gunpowder and Lead, which is how I feel right now. Not that I have an abusive boyfriend to kill, but all manner of fantasies are running through my head. I'm in a Thelma and Louise mood tonight.
Hmm.
I should go pick up Josh and we can play Bonnie and Clyde, except without the dying part.
Or maybe with the dying, because that's what makes it so glamorous.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19589038/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19589038/ Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:15:20 PDT
Wednesday, I went to the bay with my grandparents, cousin (who has cerebral palsy), and parents. We would've taken the boat, but my grandpa wasn't sure of the boat ramp and wanted to check it out.
It was wonderful to be at the beach again. I love the water. I love the waves. Dad and grandpa wanted to fish so we went to the jetty and relaxed in the warm water. Unfortunately, my grandpa has clots and a clogged aorta, so his foot was numb and bloodless and overall painful. He wasn't able to fish like he wanted to. I felt sad for him. My dad stayed with him and acted like it was no big deal. I've never, ever heard my grandpa complain, but he actually said that his leg was hurting him really bad. I was shocked. (It was kind of like that time I was being attacked by a golden retriever when I was little and he said "God damn it!", which is something he never says. I haven't heard him say it since and that was about ten years ago.) My grandpa was born on the water, he had his own shrimp boat, and now he lives in this tiny ass town so many miles from the beach. I imagine it must be hard on him to finally get to the bay and not be able to do what he wanted to do.

I got home around six and Josh calls from his friend's house. He says, "I'm coming over."
I've just gotten a shower, I'm sunburned, my dad isn't home (he'd freak if there was some guy in the living room when he came back), my mom is tired, the house is a complete wreck, and he wants to come over. I wanted him to wait until the weekend so we could do something but no. He just had to. I respect him for it, because he was pretty determined. I told him that if he could beat my dad home he may have a chance. He didn't. xD
So he came over. My dad had fun. ;__; His friend Nathan came, too, so there was a buffer for the tension. Dad was firing questions. Finally I turned to Josh and I was like, "Josh, are you white?" Josh says, "Yes. Yes, I am." My dad laughed and eased off. (Not that I'm racist .. but my father is. That's the south for you.) I'm really proud of my dad. He didn't go off and go insane and scare the boy, which has happened before with guys I wasn't even dating. He even (and this is surprising) went to the store with mom and left me ALONE with two BOYS (OMG PENOR) for about thirty minutes.
Dad is getting so much better on his temper and overall scariness. I've got to hand it to him. He behaved. Of course, he almost spilled the beans about my numerous medical problems, and I had to make vigorous hand signals behind the boys' heads.
Dad likes Josh. Nathan .. not so much.
Josh mainly came over to give me a present me got me when he was in the mountains (a completely awesomely pretty necklace) and a teddy bear (yellow, of course). He also came over to make sure I was okay after the whole Katie thing. He said that Kim "let it slip" that something "bad" happened, and then he talked to Daniel. I hope Kim didn't tell him about me going insane and crying and stuff.

Tomorrow I go to my grandparents', because my grandpa isn't feeling good so mom and dad and I are going to help out around the house and try to ease the burden for my grandma. Mom was talking about inviting Josh, which would be great. I know I could get him alone for a few minutes there. I haven't kissed him in forever. It feels like forever, at least.

I've been so busy. Ugh. I've got to finish these courses before school starts. I've been working on my new room. I've been taking care of things while my parents were sick with some virus. In between all that, I wash the sweat off and sleep. I finally got a break last weekend and now I'm taking the time to answer messages and write a journal. I'm sorry that it's taken so long, guys! < 3

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19543541/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19543541/ Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:32:04 PDT I knew something bad was going to happen today. Yesterday went too well. I couldn't sleep all night. I was incessantly worrying, but not about anything specific. I had bad dreams. I woke up today with a feeling of dread. I decided to talk to Katie about it later.

Only now I can't, because she's leaving. She got into a fight with her mom over cutting and decided to leave for Hawaii. She's already gone. All I got was a phone call from another person. I finally spoke to her, and ended up hanging up on her.
So I'm just thinking of all the bad things she's done to me, of the things she does that I hate, of why I'm so pissed at her. It worked at first but now it's starting to wear thin. Sure, our relationship wasn't perfect but we were still best friends.
I have the worst luck with best friends. Stephany is locked up in this tiny town that's miles and miles away. (What is ironic is that I was there a few weeks ago, totally able to visit her, but unaware of where she was.) Now Katie is gone. And I'm left here, alone, just like I've always been.

At least I've got Josh.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19506672/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19506672/ Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:03:36 PDT Greatest weekend ever.
Or it's at least in the top ten.
Friday, naturally, I went to Katie's. Our friends Becca and Mandy came over, too, along with Mandy's baby nephew Colten. Katie's mom loves babies so she took Colten while we went ate them out of house and home, went outside to play with fire, fought with Katie's boyfriend, and generally drifted around being teenagers. We found a crapload of fireworks left over from the fourth of July and let's just say that Becca was the brawn and I was the brains, and we left a hole in Katie's backyard. A smoking, charred hole. Becca and I took off our shirts and stood there in just a bra and jeans, devising new ideas involving duct tape, roman candles, gunpowder, the powder you get off of sparklers. Apparently, if you throw that stuff in a fire, it looks WICKED cool! The fire turned purple and then blue, and it sparked. We also made bombs out of tin foil and Drano.
We went in, listened to Eminem and Mandy asks me, "Hey, can you dance?"
And I was like, "Well, yeah."
"Like a black chick?"
"Ahh .. Yeah."
"Teach me."
Becca showed us some stripper moves.
We ate and ate and ate.
Drank.

Saturday, after a huge hassle, I went home "sick" (long complicated story) and then this morning, Josh called me to say he was finally home. < 3

So it was great.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19506671/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19506671/ Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:03:35 PDT Greatest weekend ever.
Or it's at least in the top ten.
Friday, naturally, I went to Katie's. Our friends Becca and Mandy came over, too, along with Mandy's baby nephew Colten. Katie's mom loves babies so she took Colten while we went ate them out of house and home, went outside to play with fire, fought with Katie's boyfriend, and generally drifted around being teenagers. We found a crapload of fireworks left over from the fourth of July and let's just say that Becca was the brawn and I was the brains, and we left a hole in Katie's backyard. A smoking, charred hole. We also made bombs out of tin foil and Drano.
We went in, listened to Eminem and Mandy asks me, "Hey, can you dance?"
And I was like, "Well, yeah."
"Like a black chick?"
"Ahh .. Yeah."
"Teach me."
Becca showed us some stripper moves.
We ate and ate and ate.
Drank.

Saturday, after a huge hassle, I went home "sick" (long complicated story) and then this morning, Josh called me to say he was finally home. < 3

So it was great.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19460907/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19460907/ Fri, 18 Jul 2008 08:45:07 PDT Missing him.
I hope he's having a good time, though. ;D Kacy and Missy are fun to hang out with, so he's definately entertained. There's Billy, too. Billy is like the coolest little kid EVER. Josh taught him to sing Prelude, for gods' sake.

I may be going to Katie's to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Hell yes! I've never seen it. Apparently we're going to have to make some toast. Her mom's friend said it verges on 'soft porn' even though it never really 'shows anything'. Katie's mom said that you have to be high to understand it. This is going to be great.

SHAKE IT. SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE IT. I'm SO loving this song right now. It cheers me up, it makes me want to dance, it reminds me of him.

Eugh. I'm turning into one of those girls that actually cares about her boyfriend. After nothing but FWB, it's nice to care about someone. I'm crazy about him. He's the boy that'll still be there in the morning. Shirt off, playing his Xbox, but he was there. Also offered to make breakfast. lol. I'm glad we're going to wait.

ER ANYWAY.

Not getting along with my dad. He made me cry on purpose three nights ago.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19451948/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19451948/ Thu, 17 Jul 2008 18:40:39 PDT I'm painting the trim with the primer. I know the woman who works at the paint supply shop and as a favor she tinted the primer for me at no extra charge, so it's a pastel green. It looks well with the other green. It'll be a nice accent.
I STILL have to clean the windows, though. lol. I'm procrastinating.

Day two of his absence.
I'm doing okay. Missing him like crazy. I actually thought it was him when the phone rang this morning, but then I remembered that he was gone, and I was seriously bummed. Ah, well. Three more days to go. Dad is going to have a barbecue and said to invite him when he gets back. So now I just have to keep dad in a good mood so he doesn't scare the poor boy.

Shake It by Metro Station reminds me of us. xD Not totally, but in some ways.

your lips tremble
but your eyes are in a straight stare
(in a straight stare)
we're on the bed
but your clothes are laying right there
and i was thinking of places
that i could hide
(i could hide)

tonight you're falling in love
let me go now
this feeling's tearing me up
here we go now

now if she does it like this
will you do it like that?
now if she touches like this
will you touch her like that?
now if she moves like this
will you move her like that?
come on, shake, shake
shake, shake, shake it

Except for the whole clothes off part. No clothes have come off, and they won't for a while. D< Screw the stereotypes/media/peer pressure. We've decided against it.

Tonight is going to be a good night. I'm not completely exhausted, so it'll be a movie night after my parents go to bed, with a Cookies 'n' Cream Hershey's bar to keep me company. =O Those things are the bomb, yo. I haven't had one in a while. Haaarr.

White Noise by Don DeLillo is turning out to be a good book. I didn't like it at first, because the chapters seemed to be unconnected prose, but now that the plot is evolving it's pretty good. It's fascinating, really.

I .. am happy.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19422727/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19422727/ Wed, 16 Jul 2008 06:34:31 PDT It was cute.

I can deal with this. I know he'll be back, and I've got a lot to do while he's gone. I want my room to be completely ready before he returns. Why, Jasmine, you're doing so much better than expected. Of course, it's a little after eight in the morning. We'll see how the day goes. >__<

I wish I wasn't so prideful. I really am working on that, but I can't bring myself to say the things I want to say to him. I'm afraid I'll sound stupid. He's already said something remarkably sweet and then ended it with a, "Now I feel stupid." I told him he has no reason to feel stupid, that I love him anyway. Still, I can't bring myself to say some things out loud. Like how he's always on my mind, or that I trust him and care about him, or that he's amazing. I'm thinking about just writing him a long letter and giving it to him when he gets back. Har. I am a coward.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19379933/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19379933/ Sun, 13 Jul 2008 21:13:44 PDT I know that, by typing this journal, I will miss 11:11. I'll be distracted. I'll be annoyed about it, but I'll type this journal anyway.
It's the way I operate. I indulge without thinking of the later consequences.

So this time next year, I'll be in a crippling emotional pain. -__-'
Part of me is afraid. I want to end it now, so it won't hurt, because it's going to.
But I could never do that. I love him.
And in a year he's leaving. Yeah, I'll be able to see him, but it's going to be hard. It's already been hard this week. All I want to do is give him a hug when he's having a bad day, or a kiss when he makes me laugh.

AHGHSHFHGH.

Oh and I hate my brother.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19362610/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19362610/ Sat, 12 Jul 2008 21:41:57 PDT my biggest fear was september
when he had to go

Change that to July, 2009.
Oh man.
It just hit me. It really just hit me. Like .. not even two minutes ago. While I was still typing the title of my journal, I realized that this time next year, he'll be going to live about six hours away to finish high school. He'll only come back for Christmas. Of course, right before Christmas, I'll turn eighteen and have my license. I'll be able to see him on spring break and weekends.
Still, though.
Oh man.
I don't want it to end. Man. I don't. I don't want it to fizzle out because of distance or anything. I don't want us to end. Now I see why he's been worried about it. Damn.
Well, we won't worry this year. We'll make our relationship as strong as we can. We'll make it . . right?
And I thought a five day trip to the mountains would be bad.
I just hope this school year doesn't fly by like the last one did.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19362609/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19362609/ Sat, 12 Jul 2008 21:41:57 PDT my biggest fear was september
when he had to go

Change that to July, 2009.
Oh man.
It just hit me. It really just hit me. Like .. not even two minutes ago. While I was still typing the title of my journal, I realized that this time next year, he'll be going to live about six hours away to finish high school. He'll only come back for Christmas. Of course, right before Christmas, I'll turn eighteen and have my license. I'll be able to see him on spring break and weekends.
Still, though.
Oh man.
I don't want it to end. Man. I don't. I don't want it to fizzle out because of distance or anything. I don't want us to end. Now I see why he's been worried about it. Damn.
Well, we won't worry this year. We'll make our relationship as strong as we can. We'll make it . . right?
And I thought a five day trip to the mountains would be bad.
I just hope this school year doesn't fly by like the last one did.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19316065/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19316065/ Thu, 10 Jul 2008 18:17:38 PDT About the Music: As great as The Who is, I actually prefer the remake on this.


The days are going by slow, except when I finally get to today and look back and it's like .. "Where did it go?" For some reason, (maybe it's the combination of this song and recent events,) I feel amazing and strange, and I want to cry.
He said it.
I said it back. It came out so naturally, without even thinking about it. I realized that I really meant it, too, after we hung up.
Now there are just a few things I have to tell him. Part of me knows he won't care, but another part of me wants to avoid it because I hate having so much .. junk to present to him. It'll be a gradual thing, I hope. He's . . everything I need and want, and he isn't in it just for the ass. He makes me smile and want to be a good person, and I love him. He's such a loveable little dork. ;__;
I plan on bringing him home to my dad this week, or maybe when he gets back from the mountains. When I go to the flea market, he's going with me if he's still in state.
I feel like I could sit outside with him in the middle of the night and explain or say things that I've always wanted to say, and he'd understand and love me even more for them.

I went to look at paint and carpet today. I'm getting them this weekend, and by next weekend, I should be moving in to my new room.
Katie is totally coming over to at least watch me paint, and to spend the night with me my first night out there. (If you bail on me, I'll kick your ass.)
Josh is also coming when I get it ready. I think the pink in my current room would blind the poor boy.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19292079/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19292079/ Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:36:37 PDT Oh man.
THIS IS AMAZING.

So yesterday I was on projectplaylist looking for the In the End version that's on Reanimation (the one with Motion Man) and I find an innocent looking "In The End (Remix)". I click play.
And it's like an orgasm in the ears, I swear.
It turns out, this version is the original demo. I don't know why they changed it. It's awesome. I've got to show this to Josh. The boy loves Linkin Park, and I know he'll like this.

The lyrics:

It starts with one
And multiplies till you can taste the sun
And burnt by the sky you try to take it from
But if it falls there's no place to run
Crumbling down it's so unreal
They're dealing you in to determine your end
And sending you back again to places you've been
And bending your will till it breaks you within
And still they fill their eyes
With the twilight through the skylight
And the highlights on a frame of steel
See the brightness of your likeness
As I write this on a pad with the way
I feel
Hear the screaming in my dreaming
As it's seeming that you played your part
Like your heartless take apart this
In the darkness but I know

I've looked down the line
And what's there is not what ought to be
Held back by the battles they fought for me
Calling me to be part of their property
And now I see that I get no chance
I get no break
Fakes and snakes quickly lead to mistakes
And as the tightrope within slowly starts to thin
I can only hope that they close their eyes
To the twilight through the skylight
And the highlights on a frame of steel
See the brightness of your likeness
As I write this on a pad
To the way I feel
Hear the screaming in my dreaming
As it's seeming that you played your part
Like your heartless take apart this
In the darkness but I know

The chorus is still the same, the sound is still the same. The words are all that's different, and they are great.
Why didn't I find this earlier? D<
Better yet, why did they ever change it? This is hellaciously great.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19238699/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19238699/ Sun, 06 Jul 2008 16:00:39 PDT Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... dont live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and youll find love,
And dont forget son,
There is someone up above.

(chorus)
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Wont you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich mans gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

(chorus)

Boy, dont you worry... youll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

I can't get over this song. I think it's my favorite Skynard song ever. It's even got a badass solo.

Anyway. My fourth (and fifth) of July . . .

was incredible.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19187819/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19187819/ Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:30:37 PDT Right now I'm listening to Simple Man. This is a song for those quiet summer nights that you spend around a fire with your best friends, a drink in your hands as you lean forward with your elbows on your knees, letting the shadows from the fire flicker on your face. Nobody would be thinking about working tomorrow, or their abusive boyfriend, or the baby they'll have in a few months. No one worries. They just look at the stars and they live completely in the present, enjoying the sweet and tangy sound of a guitar solo by a band long dead. It's just a fellowship of kindred spirits, with a great soundtrack. I was raised on music like this and moments like those.

I hope I have a moment like this tomorrow night. It's the fourth of July. I'm hanging out with Kim, and possibly Josh. (YAY!) There will be glowsticks in the pool.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19173623/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19173623/ Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:07:23 PDT Favorite Lyrics of a Hawthorne Heights Song

you don't have to speak because
i can feel your heart beat
fluttering like butterflies
searching for a drink
you don't have to cover up how you feel
when you're in love
i'll always know i'm not enough to even make you think
please, slow down girl
we're moving way too fast
for their world
we gotta make this last
i know it hurts
to feel so all alone
i'm by myself
more than you could know
if only ..
they were all alone

GODS, I love that song. Whenever I'm sad, I put that CD in and listen to the entire thing, and Decembers is the last song on it. It's a perfect ending, and I usually cry, but in a good, soul cleansing way. These lyrics make me think of so many people and things in my life, and I love lyrics like that. Rest in peace, Casey Calvert.

Maybe if my parents go run errands tomorrow, I can have the phone and house to myself. Mmn. Here's to another wonderful ninety minutes.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19135958/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19135958/ Mon, 30 Jun 2008 21:13:37 PDT However, I know my wish will be unneccessary. He's thinking about me tonight. I know he is. Maybe, even, he's wandered outside and he's looking at the stars, and wondering if I meant it when I said "I get it."

I meant it. It's probably the only thing I've meant this much in a while.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19098754/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19098754/ Sat, 28 Jun 2008 19:54:52 PDT
I love you guys, man. Today I hung out with my old friends and new friends, it was great. Lia, Dakota, Maranda, Daniel C., and Garrick. It was just .. cool. I spent a good eleven hours with them. We went to the Watermelon parade, then to Wal-Mart. We spent some time in Wal-Mart just walking around and stuff. They helped me pick out the perfect swatch of green. It's called "Winter Spinach" (who comes up with this?) but the color is so much nicer than the green. I had some money and thought about buying some candle holders and this really pretty marble incense burner, but I decided against it, considering that I'd have to carry the bag all day and it'd be a little hard to explain to my parents.

Then we went to the Dollar Store to work a booth (for the festival) for the literacy program they sponsor. The thing is, the cashiers there didn't realize we were waiting for Maranda's mom (who works there and volunteered us) to show up. We almost got kicked out because we were in there slapping each other with those Wacky Noodle pool toy things for like an hour. We ended up sitting on the floor in an aisle just chilling out and playing with a weird rubber ball that had tentacles on it. This woman came up asking us if we needed help, about to totally kick us out.
Dakota brought up a good point: It's sad to almost get kicked out of a Dollar General. ;__; Too many wacky noodle battles, I guess.

Garrick and I wrestled in the car on every trip. The little asshat is really strong and can hold me down easily, but I was kicking and biting and hitting him with a giant pixie stick which hurt like a bitch.

All in all: a bitchin' day.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19078686/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19078686/ Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:48:36 PDT
I'd like to start off by saying that the song My Immortal by Evanescence is what I'm listening to now. I try not to put the same song twice in a journal entry but this is an exception because this is an exceptional song. Besides Amy Lee's beautiful voice, haunting lyrics, and melancholy piano notes, it just reminds me of so many people and things. It's like .. "Hey, I was there for you, you impacted my life, and now you're gone and your favorite song is on the radio and it's like everywhere I turn, you're there."

So on Tuesday I went to Katie's. We stayed up late and acted like idiots as usual. We were going to go the pool hall but decided not to risk my being majorly grounded for just two hours of fun. Her mom left for work, we didn't see Jack anywhere, so we raised our voices and said fuck like a million times and talked to Daniel and Josh on the phone. It was great.
Then the next day we decided to go to Kim's. We got there by 7:00 pm and it was storming outside. Kim and I took some Valium and decided to run around outside in the rain. We then played a game of truth or dare that involved nudity and dryers. Kim has a heated pool that's in this greenhouse type thing, so we went skinny dipping afterward until about two in the morning. It was great. I ended up sleeping on the floor and my right side was really sore because I didn't move all night.

I came home to discover that I am not, in fact, going to west Texas because my cousins David Wayne and JW are being morons and breaking the law. Mom does not want to ride with them because there's a huge chance they will be arrested somewhere along the 25 hour trip. Damn. Idiots.

The days since I have listened to my iPod have been .. Gods, I can't even count. It feels like it's been forever. That thing is my crack, I kid you not. I was listening to it last night as I feel asleep but that doesn't count, because I was listening to AFI's Prelude 12/21 and on my playlist I have The Leaving Song pt. 1 right after it, and I fell asleep before The Leaving Song was halfway over. That doesn't happen often. It was still on this morning. But the good news is that Kim has Frostwire, and will let me have her music. She's got like 400 songs that I don't have, and I am lusting majorly. She's even got Lollipop. (Make her wanna lick the rapper ..) I didn't have my iPod on Wednesday otherwise I'd have them.

I've decided that my new place is going to be a shrine to rock and roll. My walls are going to be dark green, because that can be considered a vintage color and I just like dark green. I want memorabilia from everyone from Elvis to Nirvana. I'm talking Hendrix, Janis Joplin, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith (definately!!), and all the other bands I can't think of right now. There will be old Hank Williams records on my walls. There will be posters. There will be a vintage telephone. (Mom said no pot leaves, syringes, or hallucinogens though I can "smoke pot out there and she wouldn't be able to do anything about it.") My new/old army trunk will serve as a hiding place for my Wiccan supplies and a coffee table. Hells to the yeah. Now I'm just browsing etsy.com for cool stuff.

I've lost 33 pounds since March.
No wonder people think I'm anorexic. I didn't really notice the weight loss, except for how I couldn't wear my jeans anymore. It's happening rapidly and scarily, because I haven't changed my lifestyle in the least.
Except I don't smoke pot anymore so I don't have the munchies all the time. Maybe that's got something to do with it. I mean, I used to have them ALL the damn time. That's probably why people think I've got a disorder. I don't eat in front of them anymore 'cause I'm not hungry, and my gag reflex (which weed has always repressed) is seriously starting to bother me again. I feel sick like all the time now. I've got meds for it but they make me really sleepy.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19000221/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/19000221/ Mon, 23 Jun 2008 11:26:27 PDT _<
The week before school let out it was hurting so bad that I was about to puke, but I had to go to school to review for exams. After that weekend, it stopped hurting, so I didn't go to the doctor.
Now I can't hear anything out of my right ear so I went today, and my doctor says that I've still got a nasty infection but since I let it go so long I may have permanent hearing loss. We'll see in ten days after I take the antibiotics. Whoo.
No headphones for ten days.
I might just die. ;___;

On another note, I bought some unscented white candles today, and my mother cornered me in the store asking if they were for 'weird rituals'. Close, mom.
What's funny is that they actually are. Maybe she's figuring it out.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18920664/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18920664/ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 21:55:29 PDT
Katie wanted to come to church with me because we haven't really hung out in a week or two, so we took her. My mom and dad went, of course, and they were nice enough to let us sit alone in the back.
What was the sermon's subject?
Homosexuality, with a little bit of 'wicked witches' thrown in.
Katie was pretty upset. I didn't really care. First off, it's the man's opinion and he has the right to say it and denounce these things, etc. Katie and I have our own opinions and we're going to stick by them. I just proudly held Katie's hand and told her to calm down, and in the parking lot we had a small fight. My mother heard every word, so there's probably going to be a 'talk' later about my support of homosexuality. What made it hard for me is the fact that he said all gays were going to hell. Crystal was bisexual. She preferred girls but she was also pregnant, so . . Anyway, I can't bear to think of her in hell. She was a sweet, amazing girl. There is no way she's burning in an eternal lake of fire right now. It made me sad, thinking about how people judged her without knowing her. She didn't die of AIDS or a hate crime like the pastor said most gay people die of. She was a normal, teenage girl just driving to school.
He went on about Madeline O'Hara taking prayer out of school and somehow that lead to witchcraft. Katie and I stifled laughter. It was funny. Earlier it would've upset me, but now it doesn't even bother me. If I want to be respected for my choices, I should respect others and their choices. Besides, I'm used to it. My musicians have sold their souls to Satan, my beliefs are wicked, my clothing is outlandish, all of that. I'm used to it. It doesn't mean I won't stand up for myself, but I'm not going to make a scene in church of all places. It's still sacred and holy, even if it isn't particularly sacred to me.

Then dad had to have his 'talk' with Katie's mom about Jack drinking around me. He raised his voice a little, but Katie's mom just calmly explained that she can't promise that Jack won't have a few drinks and if the situation gets out of hand, she'll be glad to bring me home. That's not enough for my dad, but that's what he gets. He wants to talk to Jack, too.
I wouldn't be surprised if I don't end up grounded after this is all said and done. Bleck.

Tomorrow is solstice, and I'm going to dedicate myself. I'm looking forward to it.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18871438/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18871438/ Mon, 16 Jun 2008 11:05:38 PDT Sorry, dears, if that entry made no sense. It was late, I was exhausted, and thinking too much, as usual.

I'm making a playlist on Projectplaylist just for days when I feel contemplative and quiet. If someone were to ask me, "Who are you?" I could just click play and let them hear it. Everything from Konstantine to Strawberry Wine, from AFI to Bush, every song that's ever meant something important to me. I'm even going to put Running Away by Midnight Hour on there, since it's Crystal's song and through it, I realized how much I love my friends. I guess this is how I cope. Some people drive too fast, or yell, or twitch. I make playlists.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18863509/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18863509/ Sun, 15 Jun 2008 22:05:54 PDT
hey baby i love you
hey baby i need you
hey baby you aint got to prove to me
you're some kind of macho man
wasted so much of your life
runnin' through the dark nights
let me shine some love light
down on the blues man

And there are some melancholy solos.
It sort of matches my mood.
Not that I'm sad, but I'm pleasantly melancholy tonight, as well as nonstalgic, and I came down like three hours ago so I've got the usual come down feelings as well. I like this feeling, though. Leaves me all contemplative and sweet.
I went to a Hank Williams Jr. concert once. It rained like hell and sucked but the music was good.
I'd go take some shots of moonshine right now but drinking by yourself is just lonely, especially to old country songs.


Anyway.
It's 11:55 and it's a sunday night. I went to church, was fawned over by the old people that decided I'm good now, and was preached to about trials. Hey, it makes sense. I feel like I would never have gone through the things I have unless I needed to. I've been able to handle it. It's never been easy but I'm content now.
See, I had an epiphany. My family is so weak, the women especially. The only really strong, spirited person died on June 16 of last year. She was a cocaine addict, anyway. I had to take care of her in her last days and I loved getting to know her. She was so amazing. If I hadn't gone through what I have, the multiple surgeries, the narcotic addiction, the neglect and utterly lonliness, I wouldn't have been able to help her. I spent days and days at the hospital with her in a row. I took cold showers in the hospital bathroom on the third floor. I watched over her and kept away the fears as best I could, even though I'd never be able to really banish them. My uncle came every day, often bringing me clothes or money for food. I'd go back to their house long enough to sleep on a real bed once a week rather than a cold ass floor. (She always liked it cold.) I met some incredible people. I did some incredible things.
The only thing that bothers me is that when she asked me if she was going to die, I said no. What else could I say? All the same, I think she would've preferred honesty. I feel like I could've helped her prepare for her death. I remember just seeing my uncle turn around to hide the tears streaming down his face. He was an illiterate, working man. So sweet. I just fussed around and said, "Well, you're alive right now, aren't you?" To avoid the question, you know. She persisted so I said, "Probably not. Everyone thinks they're going to die at some point in their lives. That's all this is. It's just in your head." Making NO sense whatsoever.
I hate my cousins for how they left their mother to die in that place without even saying good bye, or hello, or "How are you feeling?" They just abandoned her. Selfish brats.
So she died, and my uncle went crazy, and my cousins dispersed. My grandma is bitter and mean all over again. My mom is a wreck.

I want to go back to Texas.
I want to be on that interstate, listening to System of a Down, heading for gods only know what. Taking off, you know? They liked me there.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18855007/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18855007/ Sun, 15 Jun 2008 12:53:43 PDT
Really, the only flaw with me moving out of the house is going to be no computer. I use this computer for so much more than casual chatting, but I'm sure I'll come check my e-mail, etc. Mom is getting a new computer in November or December, so I'm going to see if she'll let me snag this one. Sure, it's six years old and it's slow as hell, but it's contact with the outside world! Yeah!
Anyway. More and more excited every day. I managed to sleep last night (thank you sleeping pills) and my mind isn't so fuzzy today. I need to get my butt up and go see what exactly needs to be done to my place, and work on what I can right now. I've got most of the furniture, and mom and dad are going to spring to fix up the plumbing. It won't be perfect, but it'll be mine, and I can finally just relax and be my real self instead of having to mask my face and thoughts constantly.
I'm feeling so much more encouraged, thanks to . She's been so helpful. Thanks!
I've gotta make a list of what goes with me and what gets thrown away. -sigh- I hope I don't get too nonstalgic and end up keeping everything.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18826646/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18826646/ Fri, 13 Jun 2008 19:07:42 PDT
I gave Katie a birthday bag full of candy for her birthday. We stayed up and she ate about half of it while we watched South Park and Family Guy. ("You call your friend an asshole right now!") We also talked and I vented a little, so it's all good. She's a pretty good friend now that she's not so absorbed in Daniel, and now that Daniel is aware I will kick his ass if he starts shit with me again.

I love learning things about people.

Soon, my "flat" will be ready and I can move the hell out. Sometime in the next few weeks, which will make me so happy. I'll be able to do what I want out there. I won't have to hide my beliefs so thoroughly. I can't wait.

I officially passed math, by the way. I got an 84 on my final which pulled my grade up to a 66, thus 'academically promoting' me. I was seriously lucky. I deserved to fail that class because the weekend before my final I really messed up my priorities, didn't study, got a little bit drunk, and slept. Never doing that again. I almost freaked out during the test. I felt like standing up and yelling at my teacher, "I GOT WASTED THIS WEEKEND AND I AM GOING TO FAIL THIS BECAUSE I AM AN IMMATURE TEENAGER WHO DOESN'T STUDY WHEN SHE NEEDS TOIHATEMYSELFANDWANTTODIE." So .. yeah. Anyway, I passed it.
I'm taking two courses online to get my two credits so I'll officially be a junior next year. (Prom and class rings and upperclassman status .. hell to the yes.) They're pretty easy. I do about a week's worth of work each day.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18720714/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18720714/ Sat, 07 Jun 2008 20:30:58 PDT I know I have a lot of dreams and ambitions. It's time to add another one to the list.
So far the things I've been the most serious and passionate about are writing, theatre acting, and nursing. Writing is my hobby, acting is my passion, and nursing is my practical fallback.
Now, let's add another thing to that list.
Anyone that knows me well knows that I entered a "Culinary Arts" class in my highschool this year. At first I was like, "Cool. Food, weird spatulas, flammable oils. Easy A." I really started to like it, though. I don't like actual cooking (meaning, anything on a stovetop) but I love to bake. To be more specific, cakes.
I love to bake them, to decorate them, and to watch other people eat them like a hawk. My cake for our project at the end of the semester was the best, if I do say so myself. I was unique, colorful, and no one else had one quite like mine. It also tasted amazing, if I do say so myself. I got on my knees to decorate the thing and my hands were stained pink all day.
Yesterday I actually bought a set of decorating tips, food coloring, rose nails, etc. I really like doing this. It takes patience and a steady hand, and since I'm left handed, special tips for roses and petals. It also takes creativity, and you can eat it instead of looking at it or reading it or listening to it. It's like giving back to the world, once sweet slice of diabetes/obseity causing cake at a time.
SO THERE.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18719282/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18719282/ Sat, 07 Jun 2008 18:52:21 PDT Oh, my starry eyed surprise
sundown to sunrise
dance all night
we gonna dance all night
dance all night to this deejay
(Hey deejay!)

I'm on top of the world.
I don't know why exactly, but I am.
I had fun, now I'm exhausted. My farmer's tan is almost gone (whooo). I feel like writing, too. I read a book about someone I can seriously relate to.
There is room for improvement, but not by much.

]]> ~red-nail-polish http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18676987/ http://red-nail-polish.deviantart.com/journal/18676987/ Thu, 05 Jun 2008 10:07:50 PDT What's up with all the creepy doll photography?
Yeah, it was cool maybe the first fifty times I saw one. "Oh hey. That's a cool looking doll." Now it's like .. "That's creepy." Seriously. There was just a photograph of one with his shirt off posing by a wall or something. It was just weird.

I feel like crap sort of. My head feels weird. I feel all disoriented, I guess. I'm not high, pregnant, dying, or dehydrated. I've eaten and taken my meds. I guess it's just a bleck day.

]]> ~red-nail-polish