deviantART: by:renaissance1912

deviantART: by:renaissance1912 http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:renaissance1912&section=today deviantART RSS for by:renaissance1912 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 09 Dec 2009 03:32:01 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png huic uni forsan potui succumbere culpae http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/26948702/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/26948702/ Tue, 01 Sep 2009 00:49:07 PDT

there's a fault opening up in the middle of my chest.

I forgot how much this hurts.

_{i really need to do work, especially here
i don't think i can handle this again without it} ]]> ~renaissance1912 Hai http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/26596475/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/26596475/ Fri, 14 Aug 2009 19:13:53 PDT this would be a fantastic one

to sing to the mirror:

[link]

there's a strange exhilaration
in such total detestation

]]> ~renaissance1912 Interestingly enough http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/24446184/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/24446184/ Sun, 26 Apr 2009 13:11:43 PDT

This was entirely my decision, not affected by the financial aid situation. So much for the theoretical intellectual accuracy of emotional attraction. Or rather, so much for that, without the addition of actually visiting the colleges concerned. I did not make my decision until the night of April 24, flying back from Chicago.

(A word about cities other than New York: they do not measure up. Not in any respect. They don't even come close. So it is better if (a) they don't even try and (b) a New Yorker does not attempt to use them as substitutes. That would be like using coffee to get off meth. Incidentally, however, Portland has very good coffee.)

Now I have to go cancel my APs.
There is a point to life, and I don't understand why.

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

]]> ~renaissance1912 So I might as well want to be awake http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/23958671/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/23958671/ Sun, 29 Mar 2009 20:16:06 PDT

that I am not going to die any time soon

.

_{(Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago, Chicago)} ]]> ~renaissance1912 I owe you all honesty: http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/23889857/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/23889857/ Thu, 26 Mar 2009 18:02:12 PDT "I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to the University of Chicago, Class of 2013."
-- especially now.

(12:25 PM: I read a blog post on the College Admissions website that says, "Decisions will be released on or around April 1. You will receive an e-mail with instructions on how to retrieve your decision."

5:18 PM: I arrive home and discover I have received an e-mail that says, "Your admissions decision is available online. Please sign in to your account to view your decision."

What the fuck.)

Edit: So, now I have been admitted to Reed College, too. Augh.

]]> ~renaissance1912 SEQUIN PARTY http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/23477953/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/23477953/ Sun, 01 Mar 2009 19:39:17 PST [link]

for mood, read (self)-humiliated

# of shells has increased to three: one should always wear two green jackets plus fat if one wants to feel truly, you know, protected

from the muons

and the normal people

also the City of New York rejected my application to be a human being
I felt very sad and it was almost like she (the City) had rejected me in friendship
or romantically
almost
but not quite

never, quite
also I rejected my own application to rescue/save myself
with innocent cat-eyes Hell's Kitchen looks on

]]> ~renaissance1912 Let's think http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/22928725/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/22928725/ Sat, 31 Jan 2009 18:26:38 PST
society thinks that 'be yourself' must be synonymous with 'let yourself go', and it applauds those who follow this dictum

For me it is the opposite: whenever I am hedonistic, it is because I am repressing something; hedonism is not in my nature

in fact hedonism makes me sick -- that is, me personally, if I indulge in it myself -- it does not bother me if other people exhibit it, because it might be right for them

I guess I never really understood the concept of 'la vie boheme'
for me it would just be another way to sleep

I'm not an Artist -- not in any way, shape or form
I think, that's what I do

I think I am somewhat influenced by society, because it is hard for me to believe all of the above is the truth about myself, even though I know it is.

]]> ~renaissance1912 I am a screwed-up human being http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/22551345/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/22551345/ Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:49:50 PST
I stalk people (mildly, but stalking nevertheless).

Eventually, I inadvertently reveal to them my inherently creepy and pathetic nature.

Then they hate me.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Applications, set 1 http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/22362358/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/22362358/ Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:31:34 PST In the ideal world, the college admissions process
is like love: somebody, somewhere, wants you back.

I have done all I can.

Now, I wait.

]]> ~renaissance1912 "who died?" http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/22105008/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/22105008/ Sun, 21 Dec 2008 14:58:50 PST
she left some of her clothes in my closet.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Thoughts on failure http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/21732566/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/21732566/ Sat, 29 Nov 2008 14:24:03 PST
But then it seems like most people figure out how to work with their failure, to live alongside it rather than within it, to view it with irony and include it within their self-perception without ever actualizing it. Most people have figured out how to exist in the world, and have decided that it is, after all, an acceptable course of action.

Which of these categorizations applies to the bulk of humanity, and which applies to the lesser, stranger just-less-than-half?

Why does it seem like both refer to the bulk of humanity?

See, I have long thought that the latter way of life is morally impermissible. That is, dignity is morally impermissible. Failure is the only noble course of action, the only way to differentiate oneself from the masses who are compatible with existence, who are viable.

But now I wonder if those who are compatible with existence are really the outliers -- and if so, does that make attempting such compatibility morally permissible?

I would think it still doesn't, as it makes these compatible-with-existence people even more self-centered and self-indulgent.

However, it would mean that it is no longer permissible to aspire to failure, either.

---

I wish one did not have to be inscrutable and/or consciously inventive/unique in order to be perceived as a legitimate (aspiring) expresser of truth. It just looks pretentious after you have seen too many varieties of it. It seems like one should have a better claim to truth if one is clear and relatively understandable to a wide range of people. However, I know that in my own experience, "truth" is sort of like a drug for which one's tolerance increases over time, and thus one often has to dip deeper and deeper into inscrutability to get the same high. So maybe that's why writers end up being so pretentious. (All this after looking at writerly blogs.)

I want to understand New York. I wonder why I am leaving this city.

I spend a lot of time here: [link]
But this is much cooler: [link]

I have lost my schema of self. This has not been me talking.

I have been spending too much time on the Internet.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Zaìjiàn: elements http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/21438393/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/21438393/ Tue, 11 Nov 2008 13:03:57 PST 1. Self splayed on floor with knife through chest. Martyrdom.

i.e.: Purposeful fail.

2. Union Square. 14th Street and.

Secondary components: Joyce's Ulysses; drag queens; Mandarin class.

... they are lodged in the room of the infinite possibilities they have ousted. - Ulysses, 2.50-51.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Galatea http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/21237571/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/21237571/ Thu, 30 Oct 2008 18:36:08 PDT
_{_{It was all worth it --
all the money and paint over everything and inconveniences--
just for the look on his face
(yes, him)

I wonder if that was the only reason I did it in the first place.}

I cannot believe I still am who I am who I am. (cf. Ulysses: girlshape ineluctable.)

I try to be an android drag queen and I end up being a girl.
There is something hideously predictable about this.
I try to impersonate my antithesis and I once again become myself.}

I seem to be attacking myself from all sides.

_{I really like AP Bio, though.}

]]> ~renaissance1912 (n/a) http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/20478530/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/20478530/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 20:14:22 PDT I had a dream last night, or this morning:

I was walking along a beach with some family members and friends. (Just who is unclear now.) It was a mildly dangerous beach, because underneath the wet sand in some places lurked oysters whose shells could cut your feet. In other areas, the sand might have been covered with rocks or barnacles or slippery seaweed, but the oysters were the worst. We knew this, and we had decided to walk there anyway: the danger was not considered extreme. We reached a particularly hazardous stretch of flat wet sand, and an oyster shell rose up out of the sand and cut my foot. There was a feeling of subdued, tempered panic. "You know," the adults said, "these oysters can be poisonous, so it might be poisonous, but that one's probably not." They carried me back to the house where we were staying so that my foot could be tested for the poison. The test came back positive, and everyone became grim. The poison was not necessarily lethal, but there was a good chance it would be. Someone -- my father or a friend -- asked me if I wanted the poison to overtake me, if I wanted to die. Somehow I had a modicum of choice in the matter: my decision alone would not decide my fate, but it might tip the scales. I was about to answer, automatically, that of course I would rather live -- thinking, with satisfaction, that I was over that ambivalence toward the question I had felt during my last potentially fatal illness. And then I realised that was wrong. If I thought about it carefully, comprehensively, I had no wish to live. I wanted to die.

I woke up depressed.

_{I just want this story, this narrative arc of the past two years, to end so I can memorialise it and tie it up in a neat poignant package
but that's not going to happen}

*Please be aware that I am in no way suicidal. You will just have to trust me on this.

]]> ~renaissance1912 OK, fine. http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/20029084/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/20029084/ Mon, 18 Aug 2008 18:57:53 PDT
I will e-mail people; I will continue my attempt to answer the epic question; I will begin work on my college applications; I will work on the script of a graphic novel.

I will sort out the past few months. Hopefully, I will begin to sort out the past few years.

One loses one's dignity merely by being alive.

_{You know, liking a college feels kind of like a crush
in that you don't want to tell anyone, but rather hold it inside
gently, like a butterfly in your cupped hands}

]]> ~renaissance1912 Hello http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/18660015/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/18660015/ Wed, 04 Jun 2008 10:37:44 PDT
I'm working.

I am writing an epic poem.

]]> ~renaissance1912 The Cardinal Rules http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/17525327/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/17525327/ Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:18:22 PDT

I. Thou shalt not be normal

II. Thou shalt not cut thyself slack

I just broke both within the space of 24 hours (approximately noon March 24 to noon March 25).

I don't think I've done that since last year.

Now I see why I was so mad/ashamed at myself all throughout last year. I used to do that all the time, without meaning to.

I also see why that 24 hours alarmed me so much. See, breaking one of the rules is not so terrible. That kind of infraction can be remedied. It's only breaking both at once that causes trouble.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Death, Life, and the College Process http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/17513484/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/17513484/ Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:07:21 PDT
_{Well, I'm sorry for leaving that last journal up so long. As it turns out, on February 11th (the very day after I wrote the journal), several people took charge of me and essentially forced me to live. It was a very humbling experience, to be forcibly pulled from my grave like that. I was practically frog-marched.

Among the people: =Negated, ~Eiszapfen, and my physics teacher, Dr. N. Wittels, who is one of the great pillars upholding genuine education. I am serious. Thank you.

So, I am now alive. I don't think I made the right decision -- I certainly haven't fully reversed what I did in June -- but I think I made a right decision. And that is good.}

II. College process

_{I was a pure intellectual for a little while there. That was nice.

Anyhow, I have been searching for an academic ivory tower. At this point I suppose Reed, UChicago and Swarthmore are the top three. Now I just have to find a few more generic colleges to pad out the list... I would love to apply to only four colleges (those three plus Oberlin, my pseudo-safety), but I think my college counselor would be very alarmed.

I also took the SAT. Thank goodness that's over. And no, I do not think I need to take it again. The College Board is the enemy of all true intellectual activity. Besides that, my score is high enough, for God's sake.}

III. Recent events

_{a. Everyone vote for Obama. Please. OH GOD THAT SPEECH WAS AMAZING. (Sorry. You all know I fall for academic essays... )

b. Last night I ionised in solution. That was odd.

c. I now own a pair of skinny jeans. This is Epic Fail. This is the equivalent of eating other people's bread. I don't know what possessed me. Someone please help me to remedy my hideous act of normalcy.

---
I've been planning to write this journal practically since I came back to life, but as of yesterday and today, it cannot be exactly what I planned it to be. The Academic Princess has holes in her spine. Bjartur of Summerhouses cannot withstand the specters.}

]]> ~renaissance1912 End http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/16823987/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/16823987/ Sun, 10 Feb 2008 20:21:09 PST Someone please stop me from doing again what I did in mid-June.

Someone please give me a reason why I shouldn't have done it.

Right now I can't really see one.

.

To be or not to be, that is the question. It is very possible to answer "not to be" without physically killing yourself. I know from experience.

What if you had to give into the temptations to get home? What if you had to turn toward the sirens to get back to Ithaka?

and

What if you never turned?

.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Fate is eating me http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/16464069/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/16464069/ Fri, 18 Jan 2008 18:13:04 PST

I didn't plan on being a human being like this.

(... damn it)

Yes, I'll explain later.

_{good =

- W.E.B. DuBois

- the Aeneid

- Icelandic sheep farming (see book)

- the Social Studies department is offering Philosophy next year. The Social Studies department is offering Philosophy next year. The Social Studies department is offering Philosophy next year.}

]]> ~renaissance1912 Happy anniversary http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/15869782/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/15869782/ Sun, 09 Dec 2007 21:39:02 PST
Good God, it's been a year.

]]> ~renaissance1912 What is missing http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/15350712/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/15350712/ Sat, 03 Nov 2007 18:50:12 PDT
- getting close enough to the truth to have to institute stringent mind-controls

- getting close enough to the truth to fail at stringent mind-controls

- feeling like I have a legitimate right to be in my own grade's locker hallway

- the people who halfway-acknowledged my existence, and now just don't

- my reputation as the girl who edits FLEs [Formal Literary Essays]

- the intellectual stimulation of a group of people who actually halfway care about ideas

- actually talking to :/

- expecting the worst, and being wrong

- good English class
good English class
good English class.

I think I'm going to die of intellectual starvation.

]]> ~renaissance1912 TI-84 Plus http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/15277089/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/15277089/ Mon, 29 Oct 2007 17:58:27 PDT
]]> ~renaissance1912 I'm back http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/15147928/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/15147928/ Sat, 20 Oct 2007 18:28:49 PDT
Reasons for the absence:

1. I was in denial all summer. Not in denial of any specific occurrence, this time, but in denial that the entire past academic year had happened at all. Therefore, I did not write anything at all.

Denial is a very strange state. It's literally like walking around with your eyes closed -- I actually have very few visual memories of those months, because I guess closing your eyes internally extends to external vision somewhat as well.

It's actively trying not to see. Odd because that goes against every natural human impulse.

2. My apartment was undergoing a renovation, and thus I did not have Internet access.

3. I was sick -- first with pneumonia, then with a very serious secondary infection -- which put me in the hospital for five days and out of school for a total of three weeks. Thanks to everyone who mentioned me in their journals because of this.

I went back on dA briefly between #1 and #2, but all I did was clear out my inbox, which is why it was manageable now.

---
I have cleaned out my gallery slightly. I moved several of the worse pieces to scraps, and even storaged some pieces. Hopefully now the average quality of the gallery will remain higher than it was.

So, who thinks I should try to enter the Ugly Contest with the half-formed idea I have in my head? (Gah... I have barely any time left now...)

]]> ~renaissance1912 3 Questions http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/13512886/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/13512886/ Wed, 27 Jun 2007 13:49:50 PDT 1. Do you think the world would explode if I got a Facebook account?

2. Should I post the poem that I don't want to post because it almost literally makes me cringe?

3. Pandas?

It is currently far too hot in New York City.

... look, roses ... and I just realised the resemblance of that to Ophelia's madness ... the intertextuality was not intended.

[At least I am, relatively speaking, out of denial]

]]> ~renaissance1912 Ack http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/13459422/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/13459422/ Sat, 23 Jun 2007 12:08:42 PDT So I was going to write a journal about school ending and my subsequent angst-depression-emptiness-denial,

as well as a sort of timeline of all the epiphanies and reactions to said ephiphanies that led up to the end of school -- The Anatomy of a Realisation, that kind of thing, mainly with the purpose of ordering out for myself what exactly has happened in my mind in these past few weeks --

but it's definitely too late for that now. And besides, none of you really wants to hear it. So at some point very soon, I'll have to slog through the mass of papers in my folders and drag out several weeks' worth of occurrences from where my mind has buried them, and chart it all out.

School ended on Wednesday, June 13th; after that we had three finals, the last of which was on the 20th, and which don't really count as school at all. Half-glimpses and vague echoes.

One consolation: since this [academic] year had no resolution whatsoever, the general themes and such of this year will have to continue into next year. Essentially, it will be a year that is two years long.

This year, I think in the end I failed myself.

Now, to wait out the summer. I'm going to Boulder, Colorado on July 5th, for about a month... we'll see how that works out.

I think I'm repressing something. Actually, it's probably a whole lot of things.

I have a copy of Hamlet which is, at this point, my only link to myself. I'm hanging onto it for dear life.

Oh yes. I know I haven't submitted anything in an extremely long time. It's not that I haven't been writing; it's just that everything I've written lately has been too crappy to post. I'm sorry. I'll keep trying.

[Edit] I don't know if it makes any sense, but I feel like I'd have to break my spine to get through to the truth in my head. In other words: it would take a sledgehammer to get through the clamshell now.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Workaholic / girl http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12865162/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12865162/ Sun, 06 May 2007 15:34:14 PDT the trouble is

I want to be Telemakhos

and

I want to be Penelope

at

the

same

time

_{I lost my academics for a few days, which means I am now in a state wherein I desperately want to work, and thus working does not have the same stigma as it did before, wherein I had to force myself do it which was what gave it its appeal.}

]]> ~renaissance1912 I'm OK http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12829350/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12829350/ Thu, 03 May 2007 15:10:11 PDT So, good news.

And yes, the cherry blossoms did help.

They're in full bloom right now here in NYC -- the cherry trees on the traffic medians in the middle of Park Avenue. Scattering their petals to the air. And the tulips beside them.

I love those medians.

Yes, I love spring in general. And the reason I'm most glad I'm out of the depression is that now, I can actually enjoy spring.

Now, if I could please, please get back to that point where I actually thought it could be okay... that it could be a good thing...

Pilots, hope, fluttering pink petals -- dancing lightly through the air. Little flowers with feathery-cut edges, picked up off their bed of grass and tossed to the wind. The trees nodding at me, their mix of full-bloomed flowers and newborn leaves promising that they will come back every spring. I needn't stare at them so hard.

Please.

]]> ~renaissance1912 This is interesting. http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12709733/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12709733/ Mon, 23 Apr 2007 19:36:18 PDT
killed my hope.

I suppose this is what they call depression. Yeah, I've been rather depressed since last Monday, except when I forcibly pulled myself out of it on Friday, but not counting that it's been a week. Hmm.

I guess I've given up on my pilots?

I guess because there's really no point in spending hours thinking about other people who never think about you for more than a few minutes at a time. Not even when you send them long explanatory e-mails. [O'Brien. I would never send :/ an e-mail, never.]

But but but. Are they really nobody? Is anybody really nobody?

Superficial idiots.

Also, my self-confidence died.

I think too many cynical people are rubbing off on me.

Spring update: Everything is about a week behind. Trees with white puffball-flowers blooming; apple trees blooming; cherry blossom trees on Park Ave. look perhaps a week away.

Mhm. The part of me that expects, expects anything; the part of me that thinks I deserve anything at all; the part of me that occasionally dares to give myself what I want -- that died.

*blinks*

]]> ~renaissance1912 Pathetic + tag http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12618706/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12618706/ Mon, 16 Apr 2007 12:49:30 PDT
*keels over from lack of sleep*

... wow, my brain is dead. I can barely think in full sentences.

... much work... much too much work... + Star Wars twitching in the back of my mind (it's returned a bit, thanks to ~kameeko's picture)... + pretty pinkness of friendship... + almost silly mood... + clam in electron cloud... + angst (I should stop bothering you people)... + ...

I feel so pathetic.

"You're only human."

As a philosophical abstraction, I don't mind that. On the contrary, it's appealing. Another nice concept. But once I think beyond the abstraction into what it actually implies, then I stop liking it.

I hate swinging in and out of denial in such a rapid curve. y = sin56x. That's an insane frequency.

The Sine of Insanity!

... sunsets are sweet and slightly acidic...

*has gone back to being the monstrous vermin after slipping out into decent appearance for a couple of days*

I want the trees to bloom, please. That would be nice.

_{Oh, and...

Tagged by ~Foxfairy24...

If you comment on this journal [unless I hardly know you], then:

1. I'll respond with something random about you!

2. I'll challenge you to try something!

3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you!

4. I'll tell you something I like about you!

5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you!

6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of!

7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you!

8. If I do this for you, you must post this in your journal (unless you've already done it). <-- If this is a major inconvenience for you, you obviously needn't do it.}

]]> ~renaissance1912 The Academic's Hamartia http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12234913/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12234913/ Sun, 18 Mar 2007 16:00:34 PDT
Apparently both of them are arrogant.

What does this mean?

It might just be that I am attracted to arrogant people, both romantically and in friendship.

Which is, frankly, depressing.

_{As for him: I still haven't noticed this arrogance, not really. As for her: I knew she was arrogant, already; I just didn't know it was that extreme. I still don't know.

It makes it even worse that romantically, it's apparently somewhat typical to like arrogant guys. Friendship-ly? Well, most people don't get these friendship-wishes anyway, so I'm safe there.}

I don't even have an excuse. _{Except that pilots tend to be arrogant... but let's not bring the original pilot into this.}

--
My poetry has been rather crummy lately; I'm sorry.
--

It's gone back to being cold again. Winter.

So it's back to the drawing board.

You see, there's a reason I'm an academic. I kind of can't succeed at anything else. So I take the one thing I know I can succeed at, and I squeeze as much out of it as I can.

Thus, current goals: Match O'Brien in the worth (not the grade, the actual worth) of my U.S. History term paper. Keep my FLE reputation at its current level.

_{Does anyone want me to post the Oedipus-intertextuality-Fate little story I wrote? I've refrained from posting it because most of its ideas, and even some of its imagery, are going to be used to much better ends in the larger story I'm working on right now.}

]]> ~renaissance1912 The iPod as Teiresias http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12209982/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12209982/ Fri, 16 Mar 2007 18:03:13 PDT Chararwen, and now I must let the iPod tell me my Fate.

This iPod contains not only my music, but my parents' and my sister's as well, so this should be interesting. (And yes, most of you will probably not have heard of much of the music. I listen to odd music.)

How are you feeling today?
All at Sea - Jamie Cullum
So I feel calm and peaceful and don't want to be with anyone?... Er. No.

Will you get far in life?
Bound to Ramble - John Butler Trio
I will be eternally wandering, searching... but with someone else. Hm.

How do your friends see you?
Down 'N' Outer - Nanci Griffith
They see me as lonely, dejected and in despair, yet somewhat resigned to my fate.

(I hope no one really sees me this way...)

Will you get married?
Lightning Blue Eyes - The Secret Machines
"I've changed, except my love..." ... "In your dreams you've seen it all..." O_o That sounds vaguely promising. (But I have brown eyes... and I like brown eyes...)

What is your best friend's theme song?
Amanda's Dream - Teitur
She dreams of more, but has given up on life? ... Dear me. I hope not.

What is the story of your life?
Friend out in the Madness - Nanci Griffith
*blinks* This is one of my favourite songs. And I wouldn't mind it being the story of my life. "Love never dies... and it's left you with a friend out in the madness." *yay*

What was high school like?
Highway Song - Aztec Two-Step
... dreamy and sort of trippy? And late at night... well, yes, that.

How can you get ahead in life?
And Your Bird Can Sing - The Beatles
I should give up material possessions? Or I should play hard to get? Or both? *is disturbed*

What is the best thing about your friends?
Love's Found a Shoulder - Nanci Griffith
They stand by me through all my insanity and denial and... stupid swooniness? (This is a swoony song. XD)

What is in store for this weekend?
How We Operate - Gomez
I'll turn inside out and upside down and re-start my life? O_o

To describe your grandparents?
Lookin' for the Time (Workin' Girl) - Nanci Griffith
They're old-fashioned. Somewhat, I suppose.

How is your life going?
When - Patti Larkin
It's a charged, rhythmic, (expectant?) instrumental guitar piece. Perhaps.

What song will they play at your funeral?
A Life So Changed - James Horner
This is from the Titanic soundtrack. After the ship sinks. XD

How does the world see you?
Cinnamon Park - Jill Sobule
I'm a reckless teenager who takes drugs. Wow. That couldn't be more wrong.

Will you have a happy life?
Leaving Port - James Horner
Again, Titanic soundtrack. I will set off on a glorious trans-Atlantic voyage. It's very pretty... and renaissance-ish...

What do your friends really think of you?
The Imperial March (Darth Vader's Theme) - John Williams
I certainly hope not!

Do people secretly lust after you?
The Sun, Moon and Stars - Nanci Griffith
After 20 years, in a melancholy way?

How can I make myself happy?
My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
... *sigh*...

What should you do with your life?
Fantasia in C, Hob. XVII - Haydn
Um. I am not a Classicist.

Will you ever have children?
Fix You - Coldplay
... I will, and they will fix my wounded heart. XD

And now I'm going to ask it my own questions...

:/ --> Somewhere Only We Know - Keane ... ooh...

O'Brien --> There'll Come a Time - John Butler Trio ... will there come a time?

That's weird, because the Keane song actually represents O'Brien, but connecting it with :/ isn't exactly a bad thing.

... the Academic Princess departs, and proceeds to scratch her eyes out with a brooch.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Sleep deprivation/ swoony/ Great Expectations http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12111531/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12111531/ Thu, 08 Mar 2007 20:50:54 PST
I have had a test every day this week, not to mention loads of other work. This has also been my week of procrastination.

I should be half-dead. I would be, if caffeine did not exist.

I should also do my homework.

Well, I've been procrastinating because I've been - on various days - swoony, depressed and just very unsure. [Swooniness is terrible for academics. ... but ...

]

Great Expectations. I keep thinking that.

See, I don't know whether to expect anything of the world. When I don't, I distrust the world so much that the smallest event that hints the world might be okay will send me into inordinate relief and hope. And then when I do expect, nothing happens, and I gradually deflate into un-expecting again.

But it feels good to expect. And things happen, that way.

goes to ~Foxfairy24 for helping me lately.

I'm tired of being afraid of everything.

I think I need a starship. Or a sunrise. Or a pilot.

_{Sorry for the recent lack of submissions. 3 more poems should be coming up soon, if I can get them from my mind to the paper.}

]]> ~renaissance1912 Clam http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12004700/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/12004700/ Wed, 28 Feb 2007 18:24:42 PST kameeko says it seems like I have an electron cloud around me, fluffy and new...

... but what I feel like is a clam that has been opened so that the soft, squishy inner part is exposed. I don't know what to make of this.

*pokes squishy clam*

_{You mean there are really people who care about me that much?

-- Is it really this warm?}

It all seems so impossible. I am disbelieving.

It was so warm today I didn't need to wear my coat. And even though I didn't have my FLE because I had a panic attack last night, it did not destroy my academic reputation. And I have friends.

... love?

The world did not end.

That's the most astonishing thing.

Now, if a couple of people would just notice me...

I can feature thumbs right now, so I will! _{Hopefully, these will be indicative of my current mood... and the coming spring...}

]]> ~renaissance1912 I wonder why we have this mechanism. http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11711334/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11711334/ Tue, 06 Feb 2007 14:46:54 PST
a) many friends who understand me on various levels;

b) at least one friend who understands me on a deep, fundamental level (Force-connection.

);

and c) at least one person on the other side of the world who could potentially understand me in that same way --

-- I still want people to like me who will probably not understand me very much at all.

Okay, I suppose that really only applies to one of them...

Yes. They're 'people', plural. Two. And before you start assuming that I 'like' multiple people at once, recall that I do not put romantic love on a higher level than friendship.

><;; And that doesn't really help. Physical attraction is mainly annoying, but emotional attraction hurts more.

... I really have no chance, especially when you consider the added plot twist.

_{... And I wonder why, with all these people that I do have, I can still be lonely.}

]]> ~renaissance1912 Fear of Normalcy http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11461820/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11461820/ Tue, 16 Jan 2007 15:14:43 PST

I worry myself:

1. _{What if I dissolve?

What if the entire galaxy dissolves?

I thought this some time ago: The world is a glass ball that I hold in my hands, and yet I am also standing on the edge of the world: if I loosen my grip or my stance, both the world and I will die.}

2. I don't want to become one of those people... those normal people. The ones who do not understand when I attempt to explain to them that something like :/ is not the focal point of my life...

I am depressing myself. Someone who I thought was a close friend (not any of you, don't worry) is also depressing me.

I have been told by several people to "loosen up". (Eh.)

_{I dislike the autonomic nervous system. Functions like capillary reflexes are not useful.}

Clearly, I shall have to institute a more controlled front. *impassive face* That is the only realistic option.

I am not sure exactly why I have this overarching fear of normalcy, and all things related to it...

]]> ~renaissance1912 Tagged... ah well... http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11335242/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11335242/ Sat, 06 Jan 2007 09:42:17 PST Foxfairy24. I hope no one minds that I fixed all the grammar mistakes in this quiz.

1.) List Four fandoms you have.
- STAR WARS!!!
- science fiction in general...
- I can't think of any more... I have a one-track mind.

2.) Have you ever slept in the back of a car?
Certainly, many times...

3.) Have you recently dyed your hair / cut it?
I never dye my hair, and I cut it as little as possible. It reaches my waist.

4.) List Four people that you look up to the most
- John Williams
- Edith Wharton
- Matthew W. Stover

I know he's not a very good writer,
but I like his way of thinking...
- most of my friends...

5.) How many pets do you own as of now?
One cat.

6.) Which do you prefer, white or black?
... both are lovely.

7.) Who is your most player character? (oc or already 'real')
I don't roleplay or anything, but... L.S., I suppose. Or my character Lily, if you want an original character.

8.) Choose one or the other, not both
Beng stuck on an island with your best friend
Being stuck on an island with 5 acquaintances
Well, I have many friends who I consider my best friends... so I would choose any one of them... or preferably, all, of them, which is cheating...

9.) Name three aspects that tell who you are
- introspective
- loyal
- dreamer

10.) If you could have a power what would it be?
the Force.

11.) who was the last person you talked to?
My sister... she's the only one around...

12.) Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?
My parents

13.) Write down the first five words that pop into
- strawberry
- pilot
- leaf
- neutron star
- love

14.) What's one thing you wish you could do better?
Communicate with people

15.) Do you like the way you are?
Oh, who knows. Sometimes. Sometimes not.

16.) Choose, Summer or Winter?
Summer = Boulder.

17.) Choose Rain or snow
Rain, lovely rain.

18.) Water or ice?
Water

19.) List two odd things about yourself
- I compulsively record everything important that happens to me, or that I think, every day, in a slightly cryptic form.
- I think I am a certain character.

20.) Now list 6 people who should do this quiz!
Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Yoda, Chewbacca, Wicket, and R2-D2.

]]> ~renaissance1912 :/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11326460/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11326460/ Fri, 05 Jan 2007 15:32:48 PST

:/

[in the above, :/ is the actual emoticon and not its other translation]

Why:

a. I don't want to be normal, I don't want to be normal, I don't want to be normal, I don't want to be normal, I don't want to be normal, I don't want to be normal, I don't want to be normal. In any way.

b. I don't want something so insignificant to even be in my brain. It's not part of my star system.

c. :/ [translation 2] =/= N.P.

[I know 99% of you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. All of you, don't worry; it's nothing at all significant. It's not even a bad thing... I just needed to rant cryptically like that. ]

]]> ~renaissance1912 Space-Age Romanticism + caffeine + Happy Holidays http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11152282/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/11152282/ Fri, 22 Dec 2006 15:53:14 PST renaissance1912 is currently undergoing system maintenance.

Thus, this will likely not be as coherent as I would like it to be.

1. Well... today was the last day of school before holiday break, which means I have been sugar-high for much of the day... I ate immense amounts of sugar, mainly in the form of brownies and Lindt truffles, but I do not feel sick in the least.

Today was happy, if not entirely organised in my head. I am confused, as usual; I'll spare you the details.

2. I have developed a mild caffeine addiction. *twitches*

For a while I felt that I had been condensed into caffeine and schoolwork... but that was cured today. I have also turned into a hummingbird, partly because of the caffeine. According to =thepurplemonster, I vibrate constantly. I think my metabolism has shot up. I have been operating at hyperspeed of late, not just occasionally like usual, but constantly, and not on purpose.

3. Two more poems and a story will be coming up soon. The story was partially inspired by the poem that follows...

4. A poem I love, that comes from the section called "The Poetry of Science" in the book I am reading:

_{Little Cosmic Dust Poem

by John Haines

Out of the debris of dying stars,

this rain of particles

that waters the waste with brightness;

the sea-wave of atoms hurrying home,

collapse of the giant,

unstable guest who cannot stay;

the sun's heart reddens and expands,

his mighty aspiration is lasting,

as the shell of his substanace

one day will be white with frost.

In the radiant field of Orion

great hordes of stars are forming,

just as we see every night,

fiery and faithful to the end.

Out of the cold and fleeing dust

that is never and always,

the silence and waste to come -

this arm, this hand,

my voice, your face, this love.}

*sigh* *space Romanticism*

5. The fortune I received today in my Baci chocolate:
Love is born in a place and at a moment and is lost in infinity.

...

6. Why must I be straight?

7. I am currently frustrated with 3 people. Two for important reasons, one for a very petty reason (If you have a good thesis, then write a good essay, damn it!)

And yet I'm happy. I exist, which is more than I could say for myself two days ago. And Nonexistent Person is back. ^^

"One must be convinced of the infallibility of one's own fantasy." - Arnold Schoenberg

Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, happy Solstice, and anything else you wish, to everyone.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Stupidities http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/10814034/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/10814034/ Wed, 22 Nov 2006 17:07:47 PST
1. I have decided to go to the dance (for my grade) that is on December 1, as a sociological experiment. I will be observing mainstream teenagers in their natural environment.

(I've never been to a dance before; I figured I ought to go to one in my life, as an experiment.) *kameeko and *stercus-caput (you had better come, stercus!!!) and I are going together; ~ilmai-medetai, are you coming?

2. I am vaguely annoyed at myself for being straight. _{Yes, I know this does not seem to make much sense. If you absolutely have to know why, you can ask...}

3. Lately (well, mainly just last Friday) I have been in a giddy-romantic mood concerning someone who does not technically exist. >.< Go figure. (See above.) *swoons* *smacks self on head*

4. My brain persists in jabbing at me with logic even when it directly contradicts what I know emotionally to be true. And that's all I'm going to say about that... except that it's extremely annoying.

----

5. _{All right... becoming a better writer is not my top priority. It has never been my top priority. I'm sorry. I don't want to be a writer or an artist as much as I want to be... me, or something. I want love, I want friendship, I want to belong, I want to be okay, I want not to hate myself; I want something indefinable that's somehow expressed in John Williams music, and yes, I want the Star Wars world. My wishes are stupid. I think we've already established that. I'm just a little girl with stupid hopes and dreams.

I'm a little old to want to be a princess, don't you think?}

All right, that's over.

Lately I've felt like maybe things could be okay. Since last Friday, that is... things happened then, and Monday, and Tuesday, that got my hopes up.

Thanks to *kameeko, ~ilmai-medetai, and =thepurplemonster for helping those things along.

*kameeko and I watched Return of the Jedi on Tuesday... ^^ I won't bother you with the rant I could write here. But I'm trying to write a poem about it. Trying...

On that day, I thought that my stupidities might be justified. Just maybe. But now I don't know.

I can't decide whether I'm a sentimental escapist delusional idiot, or something maybe okay.

That's how I am often, undecided on that...

L.S.

_{I am f---ing delusional.}

]]> ~renaissance1912 Away http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/10505850/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/10505850/ Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:23:51 PDT
-typed by Kameeko

I'm back. It was only for a day, really.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Into the asteroids... http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/10348009/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/10348009/ Tue, 10 Oct 2006 13:43:12 PDT
My major worry is that my Global Studies teacher will think I was faking sick to get out of his test. See, I had it first period today. I felt sick this morning, but I thought it would pass, and besides I wanted to take the test, for which I'd studied and was mostly prepared. So I went to school, and went to first period; but then as we were getting the test, I felt so sick that I asked the teacher to go to the nurse, and I did. And then I went home and slept through the morning, and felt awful until quite recently.

But you can see how I might seem suspect... >.<

... Han is in carbonite, and Luke just found out that Darth Vader is his father. Could things get any worse?....

Yes, I watched it again. AGAIN. With ~kameeko, at her house, again. The Empire Strikes Back, for those of you who haven't figured it out yet.

The love theme is coming on in the soundtrack... *sigh*

Into the asteroids... yes, again. I am confused. So what else is new?

Questions from recent confusions...

What do you do when you expected to be in denial of one thing, and then it turned out you were actually sort of in denial of the exact opposite thing? Has this ever happened to anyone else?

Why can I never accept that things are exactly how they seem? ... I always think there must be a catch, that I must be second-guessing myself. The hardest things for me to trust are the most obvious things.

Why is it not accepted for a person to truly care about things like Star Wars when he or she reaches a certain age? ... And so how do I hang onto these things?

Why is there no certitude in the modern world?

Does it make any sense at all to be scared of being pretty?

What are you afraid of? ... (Shoot. That's a quote.)

XD Pumpkin from Queens! Thanks, ~kameeko!

]]> ~renaissance1912 Fripdoodle http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/10123481/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/10123481/ Tue, 19 Sep 2006 15:13:56 PDT

I have none of my friends in my class, but I shall be okay. I can see you all at lunch.

Something that annoys me: For some reason the advertisements at the top of my page have started to be all for weight loss. Consistently. Prior to this, I sort of thought the advert generator (or whatever) could tell what sort of stuff you liked by what art you went to, and such. I used to get all Star Wars ads. But... um... I don't think I've been anywhere that has anything to do with weight loss. And I don't need to lose weight.

I'm in a sort of froofy mood right now, at least partially because I've had sappy 70's music in my head for the past few days. ^^ Also because I have new sneakers and new pants, both of which I love. I haven't gotten new clothes that I actually like in forever.

Something to think about if you have too much time:

I saw "POST NO BILLS" stamped on scaffolding, like you often do, but this was upside down. And I thought: what would "Post No Bills" negated be? You'd have to negate each term separately: ~Post ~No ~Bills. Which comes out to "No-post no-no no-bills", and the four "no's" cancel each other out, whereby you get "Post Bills", which IS the negation of "Post No Bills". However, if you had "Post No Green Bills", for example, that'd be ~Post ~No ~Green ~Bills; the four "~'s" cancel out, but you're still left with one "no". It still says "Post No Green Bills". So you can only get the negation of a sentence if it has an odd number of words.

O_o Sometimes I wonder why I think these things up... ]]> ~renaissance1912 Update... http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/9848448/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/9848448/ Fri, 25 Aug 2006 08:39:19 PDT
First of all:

I feel obligated to report that my grandfather died this summer. He died on June 28th, while I was still in Boulder. He had prostate cancer.

And for those of you with whom I've been communicating, I know I haven't said anything about it, even though it happened nearly two months ago. I just didn't feel like it.

It's funny, but I haven't felt very sad at all yet. Sometimes that makes me feel guilty, but I think it's okay. I've had pangs of sadness, but my most prominent feeling has been relief, for him. He was in terrible pain, and miserable, and now that's over. He's become part of the Force.

_{And if anyone thinks that mentioning something Star Wars-related in the context of death is coarse, degrading or sacrilegious, well, I'm sorry. But it feels right to me.}

The other thing is, my first thought when my father told me the news over the phone was, I'm so glad to be alive. Not that I was glad that I wasn't the one who'd died; it was just an odd gratefulness, another form of relief, that, look: There still is life. Even though he has died, I am alive, and there is life all around me, here in Boulder, and it all keeps living. The rest of the world is still holding up; it hasn't crashed down around me. I'm okay, just because I'm alive.

You see, earlier that day I'd had kind of a nervous breakdown, and I was in one of my phases of not trusting the world. And oddly enough, that helped. For a little while.

It may sound unbelievable, but despite all that, I did still have a good time in Boulder. After that, though, because of the death, I went to my grandparents' house in Connecticut and spent most of the summer there. I rather dislike that house. It has a sort of stagnancy to it: the atmosphere isn't charged like in New York City.

Besides going back to NYC occasionally, for no more than two days at a time, just to water the plants and whatnot, we took two other trips. We went up to Ontario, Canada, for a week to visit cousins there; and just recently we flew up to Tacoma, WA, to visit my other grandparents for about a week. I got back from Tacoma about a week ago, and now I'm back in NYC for good.

I am currently in a state of relative equilibrium, which is sort of nice, but will no doubt be upset when the school year starts. Yay.

Happier News:

The Star Wars Original Trilogy is coming out on DVD on September 12. [link] The original, Original Trilogy, as in: Han shot first. ^^ I doubt I'll buy the DVD's, but I can revel in the general festivity of SW fans regardless.

Everyone go here [link] and look around. Isn't it amazing?

All right, then. I know this journal has been far too long... thank you for reading it. And thanks to all of you, for being such good friends.

L.S. ]]> ~renaissance1912 Summer... starting off oddly, but well. http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/9157275/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/9157275/ Fri, 23 Jun 2006 08:49:41 PDT
But anyway... after the Regents were over, I went to ~kameeko's house, and we watched The Empire Strikes Back.

(I'd been looking forward to that for forever...) My reaction to it was even stronger than usual; the effects are just beginning to wear off this morning. Argh. (I apologise for leaving comments everywhere last night that said "Argh".)

>.< I felt like this emoticon.

I don't know why ESB seemed to affect me even more than usual this time. Maybe it's just that I conveniently neglected to remember this part of the obsession: for about 24 hours after seeing ESB, I literally cannot think about anything else. It's a bit scary. Actually, though, the last time that happened was last summer, the first time I saw it... it wasn't so bad the other three times. This time, though, that hyperobsession occurred again, as well as an unprecedented feeling of slight angst. (I don't understand it, either.)

I'll stop there, because I know most of you don't want to hear the entire Star Wars rant I've had in my head for two days now. It probably comes to several pages.

... I am Princess Leia... argh... and that contributes to the excruciating feeling, because Han is currently in carbonite, and will be at least until August, when I can see Return of the Jedi.

All right, then. I am less confused than usual, as of last Saturday - there's still a bit of my constant, necessary confusion, but I've gotten this past year straightened out. I feel like I understand what this school year was, now, and I've given it closure sufficient for my own peace of mind. Not that my mind is exactly peaceful; I've just tied things up in that regard. I've moved on to summer.

Oh, yes, and:
I AM GOING TO BOULDER, COLORADO, TOMORROW!!!!!!

My family can't do the usual driving out to Boulder and staying for a month, but my sister and I are going on a plane and staying with our friends there until July 4th. That's ten days; I will either not be online at all or be on very little for that time, just to let you know. After that, though, I will be online; I have ideas for poems that I must write and post. Will any of you not be online for the summer, or anything...? (And what's the school schedule in England?)

I love Boulder. It's the closest I can get to Endor, or Cloud City, or any of those places.

Happy summer, everyone.

L.S. ]]> ~renaissance1912 Yes http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/9002813/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/9002813/ Wed, 07 Jun 2006 19:47:20 PDT
I swear it on the Force and on the music of John Williams.

Or you all have full permission to kill me.

L.S. ]]> ~renaissance1912 23 things I'm glad for... http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8967805/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8967805/ Sun, 04 Jun 2006 11:02:08 PDT thepurplemonster, and I do need cheering up, so I'll do this. Besides, I need to get that last journal off my page.

23 things I'm glad for today:

1. *thepurplemonster said I was cool!

2. ~Chararwen is coming over this afternoon...

3. School, finals, and everything will be over in less than a month.
4. I don't have complete writer's block.

5. Interzone, the British sci-fi and fantasy magazine I bought a little over a week ago, which is awesome.
6. The word "awesome".
7. After feeling like I had no idea who I am for several weeks, there was Carnival this Thursday, which helped, and then Friday I failed a math test, and then it rained buckets, which was lovely... and then as of yesterday I feel a bit better. (I know that doesn't make much sense.)
8. I am Princess Leia.

9. STAR WARS.

10. ~kameeko is now obsessed with Star Wars, too, and once all the finals are over we're probably going to watch The Empire Strikes Back.
11. I have very, very long brown hair. It can actually be considered pretty.
12. John Williams' music.

13. *Foxfairy24 was very comforting about the math test. I appreciate it.
14. That drawing that ~kameeko made me, with the nebulas and the Millennium Falcon.
15. Trees with green leaves.
16. The world is okay.
17. The colour pink.
18. British spelling.

19. My friends. I love you all. Thank you for caring about me.
20. ~stercus-caput is going to start getting annoyed at my Romanticism at this point, but he can't do anything about it!
21. Well-written science fiction. (It's scarce, but it does exist.)
22. Renaissances.
23. My desk, covered with all the things that remind me who I am and that I'm not completely wrecked yet.

I tag

and

]]> ~renaissance1912 Curses. http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8741411/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8741411/ Thu, 11 May 2006 15:24:46 PDT
I was informed of this today by ~stercus-caput, who is increasingly acting as my reality check and relaying to me information from and about the 'normal people'. Not that he's normal (that's a compliment, remember); he's just not completely out of it.

I know, I know, it's not like marijuana is terrible or anything. I know it's not even physically addictive. I am not so much shocked or freaked out as annoyed. I mean, this is one of the best schools in New York City. And even here, a great many of the students seem not to care at all. About anything. It's sad.

I feel disillusioned.

Last year I had trouble trusting the world; I was rather insane and paranoid. Now I'm holding up fairly well in that respect, but I'm having trouble believing that the world is decent. It's a conflict on a whole different plane: I am okay, I can survive, but I look around me and the world is full of such apathy.

I'm a little shocked at the degree to which I must have been in my own little world up till now. I mean, I know I generally live inside my head, and my problems are nearly always internal, but I thought I had a pretty good grasp of what was going on around me.

Then again, I've never been very aware of what the normal people are doing.

Lately I've been feeling as if I've purposely estranged myself: locked myself too firmly in the role of a geek, and to some extent an escapist. But if the only other choice is to be part of the mass of normal people who are now apparently on drugs, I'll stay here, thank you.

I wonder: are the people who look kind of hazy and loopy the ones who smoke pot? This occurred to me:

The supremely normal people and the supremely geeky people look the same. The normal people are out of it because they're stoned, and the geeky people are out of it because they've stayed up so late either doing homework or doing Internet-ish things in search of a way out of this mess. And we wear the same expression of weary, confused half-deadness. They're lost. We are lost. We are all lost.

Every generation is a lost generation.

I'm sorry for the huge amount of generalising and pretentiousness in this journal. And for its length. ]]> ~renaissance1912 Thank you. http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8467768/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8467768/ Fri, 14 Apr 2006 09:46:57 PDT Nazafar on April 13:

"Fictional things always seem a lot more real than things in our world. They're like safe havens...secluded places that we go to only in our minds, and that we visit for as long or as often as we like. Yet no matter how long we dream, or how long we yearn, we are not brought any closer to it.

We are dreamers, doomed for evermore to wander in search of fictional lives that can never be reached..."

And what ~myrmidon-mage said in response:

"I feel that they actually can be reached, but I don't know how to get there..."

We three had a whole conversation about this. We were referring to Star Wars (what else?), but it could refer to anything. And I just want to say this:

Yes. Yes. Thank you, ~Nazafar and ~myrmidon-mage; you've said exactly how I feel, and hopefully this will help other people to understand it, too.

And I DON'T CARE if it sounds emo, or anything.

Thank you.

]]> ~renaissance1912 !!!!!! *gabbles unintelligibly* http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8347030/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8347030/ Sun, 02 Apr 2006 19:22:56 PDT

Well. I just have time to say this one thing... I will tell all the details tomorrow.

I met John Williams.

Just today, this afternoon... I only met him for about two minutes, just shook his hand and said a few things, but I met him.

I am overwhelmed. I was completely in shock for a few hours, and it's wearing off now, but some of it is still there. I can't believe it.

I'll elaborate tomorrow, but right now I just had to say that.

It's spring here.

The trees with the clusters of white flowers are blooming! I love those trees!

Oh, yes, and my birthday is tomorrow.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Sick http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8225679/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8225679/ Tue, 21 Mar 2006 10:13:19 PST
I'm not deathly ill or anything. I don't even have a fever. (Well, I haven't checked, but I don't feel feverish.) It's just that my digestive system has gone haywire. It does that a lot. Also, I am extremely tired, and my motor skills are sort of off...

I know that sleep deprivation is the cause of this, at least partially. Curse homework. Especially taking notes. There is no point in it... not seven pages in one subject and what was probably 12 in another.

I feel better now than I did, though. Probably because I've been playing the two tracks from the Empire Strikes Back soundtrack that have a lot of Yoda's theme in them: "Yoda's Theme" and "Yoda and the Force". Also, I have my small Yoda next to me, on the table by the couch. Yoda really can cure a lot of ailments.

Well, I have eaten lunch, with no ill effects. I need to sleep again, though.

... dreaming of Endor and of Boulder, Colorado, which to me are practically the same place...

I'll go to bed at 9:00 tonight, I promise. ]]> ~renaissance1912 Old stuff...? http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8123103/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8123103/ Fri, 10 Mar 2006 16:04:17 PST
That's my only question. There are only a few things I would submit, anyway... it's just that I don't have time to write anything new now, and my gallery is kind of... stagnant.

It's becoming spring here; today is really warm. It's odd.

I AM STAR WARS DEPRIVED.

KIRIBAN!!! [link] <--- So, *darkhorse5 got it.

Omigosh -- LOOK!!!
[link] [link]

... *wishes for people and 70s/80s-ness and not quite so much homework* ... ]]> ~renaissance1912 Kiriban-ness http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8039199/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/8039199/ Wed, 01 Mar 2006 16:05:37 PST
I recognise that it is weird to commission writing; if you don't want the kiriban, give it to the person who gets pageview 506.

The only rules are as follows:

- You can ask for a poem, a short story, or a random small prose piece.
- I do not write fanfic. I doubt that any of you would ask for it, but just in case. (I can, however, put as many references to anything you want in a piece of writing, just as long as I've heard of it.

)
- No romance as a main plot. I can try romance as a sub-plot, but it probably won't be very well done.
- No horror or gore or anything like that...
- The main characters, or at least the narrator, must be humans. I can make many exceptions to this, though, at my discretion. Just ask...
- If you request a story with a certain plot, it may turn out quite different from what you asked for. This is not my fault. Sometimes characters decide to do things against your plans, and it is better to just stand back and let them. In fact, I think the greatest crime a writer can commit is trying to control his or her characters. So I'm sorry if this happens; it probably won't, but if it does, blame them.

Okay.

Meh. ]]> ~renaissance1912 The Five Tones http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7978464/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7978464/ Thu, 23 Feb 2006 07:20:58 PST
We had an awesome time...

On Saturday we saw The Producers on Broadway! I actually liked it, mostly because I could identify with the character of Leo Bloom, who is kind of paranoid and obsessive-compulsive. We also went to FAO Schwarz that day, where there was all sorts of expensive Star Wars stuff. There was a Darth Vader lightsaber (red), but not a blue one. If there had been, I might have bought it... even though 'twas ridiculously expensive.

The best day was Monday, though. We went to Chinatown, and then kind of all over the place... and we went to the Met! The Metropolitan Museum of Art, that is. I love the Met. We also went through Central Park, where it was lovely and windy but not too cold, and if you hung your coat over your shoulders and strode along in a certain way you felt like Darth Vader.

It felt almost like Boulder, where my friend is from and where we go in the summer, which is how I know her.

Then Monday night we watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind, which accounts for my signature. Those are the five tones which the aliens play to the humans and the humans play back. They weren't in C-major in the movie, but that's the easiest key. I've been playing them on the piano several times a day. You could say that I have added Close Encounters to my obsessions, but really it's just an extension of two of my preexistent obsessions: aliens and leitmotif. And, since Close Encounters came out in 1977 and was directed by Steven Spielberg, the music was written by John Williams. Including the five tones.

Thinking about our radio waves reaching aliens, and other bizarre theories, helped to alleviate my loneliness a little. Then on Tuesday night I watched the Olympics - the ladies' figure skating short programs, in particular - which dulled my senses a little.

It's funny. While my friend was here I was sort of just living. I wasn't analysing my consciousness nearly as much. That's what it feels like in Boulder, too.

Now the world is cloudier, and I have only random geeky music for company... and I have homework to do.

from the Senator.... yes, I still uphold that delusion! ]]> ~renaissance1912 Eh... http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7863734/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7863734/ Sat, 11 Feb 2006 10:13:44 PST
Well, I have made a minor edit to 1977 - ch.1, indicating that "the posters" were in fact Star Wars posters. I hope it doesn't appear in inboxes again just because of that.

I think I need a new avatar. I certainly love my two pet rocks, but that isn't really the point of my life, and that avatar is not terribly aesthetic. Does anyone have any suggestions? I would love an avatar of the part in E.T. where the bicycle flies, but I've looked and it seems that there are no 50x50 images of that. Maybe ~Foxfairy24 could send me that pretty flower picture in the right format...

And ~stercus-caput, you're right: Sing's coffee is at least as good as Starbucks.

I'm confused again, but in a completely different way. Before it was because my life seemed to suddenly acquire a million focuses; now it seems as though my life had lost its focus. These things happen to me sometimes, almost randomly.

Some of it may have to do with the fact that I have been lately possessed of the delusion that I am Princess Leia... any thoughts on that, my fellow Star Wars fans?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ]]> ~renaissance1912 Um, I was tagged... http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7854494/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7854494/ Fri, 10 Feb 2006 16:03:36 PST stercus-caput and then *darkhorse5 and then stercus again. I would have done this sooner, but it made me depressed. Anyway... here goes.

1. Grab the book nearest you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
"Certainly, she did. Evan had been lighthearted, always with a smile,"...... Um. It's The Wreck of The River of Stars by Michael Flynn, one of those gigantic science-fiction novels. Not terribly well-written, but that's to be expected, unfortunately. Why are the standards lowered so for SF?

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
Um, I would hit the head of the girl at the computer next to me.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
The Super Bowl, I suppose. But that requires explanation. See, I don't have a TV; my family went over to ~Chararwen's house so our parents could watch the Super Bowl. But all I actually watched was the Rolling Stones, a couple of beer commercials, and some random commercial with Harrison Ford in it. (Somebody said, "Look! Han Solo!" and so I went over.)

4. Without looking, guess what time it is.
12:17 p.m.

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
12:15 p.m.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Lots of people typing and talking. I'm in the school library. It's quite loud, but the sound does not vary much.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
This morning, going to school...

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Other stuff on dA... before that, food, and tarot cards.

9. What are you wearing?
Brown pants, a turquoise t-shirt with worn-off butterflies that I've had for at least 3 years, and a green cable cardigan. (Most of you know this sweater. I wear it nearly every day.)

10. Did you dream last night?
I had a long, very complex dream; it was this whole saga, involving many people, and I remember that ~Foxfairy24 was an important figure in it.

11. When did you last laugh?
Over lunch, I suppose.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Bookshelves and bookshelves and bookshelves, and a clock.

13. See anything weird lately?
.... Myself?

14. What do you think of this quiz?
Well, it's not as depressing at it was when I looked at it last.

15. What is the last film you saw?
The documentary, in Latin class, about those scholars trying to build a Roman bath.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Passage on a transatlantic ocean liner, for one thing. Also some 1912 clothes, and a really realistic lightsaber, and lots of books and all the music John Williams ever wrote... and some more pet rocks, official ones. And a flowering cherry tree... with a lovely garden to put it in.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
[link]

Yes... that was stupid. I am stupid. Don't kill me, please.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I would make it possible to go to other worlds... other times, other planets.

19. Do you like to dance?
Not here and now, but in 1912 I might... or Ewok dancing.

20. George Bush...
Augh, he's so misguided. He shouldn't be running the country.

21. Imagine if your first child is a girl, what would you name her?
Rose or Julia

22. Imagine if your first child is a boy, what would you call him?
Samuel

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Possibly; I need to visit more places abroad first. I want to go to England and Scotland.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
I don't believe in heaven... and the God I believe in is more like the Force than a traditional God.

25. Four people to tag:

~renaissance1912 Asteroids. http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7739557/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7739557/ Sun, 29 Jan 2006 08:51:54 PST
I can't really even attempt to explain it fully here, so I will just put down some of the things that happened:

~stercus-caput figured out who L.S. was.

Right... on the same day that a couple of other things happened concerning L.S.

I got into a very confused state, comparable to being in an asteroid field, because I became sort of obsessed with E.T., which I haven't even seen in 4 years, and worried that it would usurp Star Wars. But now that's been reconciled, mainly because I ran into some other... oddities...

So, I had a math midterm, over two days, the first day of which I absolutely butchered. (I did badly, that is.) This was at the same time that we were starting to read 1984 in English class, which was depressing me. I felt like starting a campaign against the bloody book. It is the most depressing, disturbing book I have ever come across.

But then, the next day, I discovered that ~Foxfairy24 and ~stercus-caput felt the same way I did about the book. It sort of fixed me... I was looking for acceptance, and there it was.

I had a happy day, and also did fairly well (I think) on the second half of the math test, so I was okay.

That was Tuesday, and nothing significant has happened since then... so I'm looking at this past month and wondering what to make of myself. I'm not really in the asteroid field anymore.... but I'm kind of confused again.

I promise I shall post another poem, and the first part/ chapter of the idea I was talking about in my journal on Nov. 26, soon. They will probably be decent. But writing this journal has made me quite confused again, which, oddly, makes me glad.

]]> ~renaissance1912 Quiz, taken from Nazafar. http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7665675/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7665675/ Sat, 21 Jan 2006 10:36:37 PST [all i need now is]: To be accepted. And someone or something to trust.
[love is]: Everything.
[i'm afraid of]: The world. And not remembering things.
[i dream about]: Star Wars, E.T., and things that scare me.

You:
-- Last place travelled: School?
-- Eye Colour: Brown
-- Nail Colour: Um, nail-coloured?
-- Height: Short. But I'm 8 cm taller than Princess Leia. That has to count for something.
-- Zodiac Sign: Aries

Describe:
-- Your heritage: American... beyond that, English, German, Polish, and Swedish.
-- The shoes you wore today: None, yet. I'm wearing green socks.
-- Your hair: Brown, and very long - past my waist.
-- Your weakness: Music by John Williams... *dies*
-- Your perfect pizza: Any pizza eaten with friends, when I'm very hungry.

What is:
-- Your most overused phrase: "Oh, dear."
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Um...? I just had a dream, didn't I?
-- Your current worry: My sick friends, my term paper, and my math midterm. NOOO...
-- Your plans tomorrow: Mostly homework.
-- Your best physical feature: My eyes, or my hair.
-- Your bedtime: On the weekends, about 10:00, or as early as I can get to bed. On weekdays, whenever I finish my homework... anywhere from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. Yes, I am sleep-deprived.

You prefer:
-- sunrise or sunset: Sunset... *sigh*
-- gore or horror: Neither, please.
-- eastside or westside: Of what?
-- stripes or polka dots: Stripes!! I'm wearing them now!
-- Planes or trains: Trains. Even better, buses.
-- metal or hardcore: What?
-- Pools or hot tubs: Pools, usually.

Do You:
-- Think you've been in love: No. I don't think so. I love many, many people, but I'm not in love with any of them.
-- Want to get married: NO! NEVER! Um, not unless I do fall in love someday by some freak of nature...
-- Type w/ your fingers: With two of them...
-- Like to take baths: Not really. Too much like doing nothing.
-- Get motion sickness: If I try to read.
-- Like talking on the phone: To my friends, yes.
-- Like thunderstorms: I love them. Especially in Colorado. Colorado thunderstorms are awesome.
-- Play an instrument: No.
-- Workout: No.
-- Like reading: Yes. Yes yes yes.

Favorite:
-- Body part: Hands.
-- Kind of fruit: Strawberries!!!!!
-- Music to fall asleep to: I don't like music when I'm trying to sleep. It distracts me. I fall asleep to the traffic outside my window - or, when it's really late, absolute silence.
-- Car: A 1960's purple or green VW bus!
-- Number: 8.
-- Thing to do: Be with my friends.
-- Horror movie: I do not like horror movies...
-- Colour: Pink. Yes, I know I'm pitiful.
-- Food: Ice cream.

The Future:
-- Age you hope to be married: NEVER!
-- Numbers and Names of Children: I don't want to have children. But my favourite names are Rose, Julia, Miriam, and Samuel.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: None.
-- How do you want to die: Very old - at least 96.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: A writer. I don't know how I'll support myself; maybe I'll teach English, or be a librarian.
-- What country would you most like to visit: Endor! No, I know, that's a planet...

Opposite Sex:
-- Best eye colour: ...? Nothing unnatural.
-- Best hair colour: Some shade of brown. Again, nothing unnatural.
-- Best personality trait: *impassive face* No. I will resist the impulse to refer to Star Wars...
-- Best height: Taller than me. Otherwise that would be an anomaly...
-- Best articles of clothing: ... nothing disturbing.

Finish:
-- I eat: Food!!!!!
-- I think: Far too much.
-- I am: An insane, perfectionistic, sentimental, alienated geek.
-- I adore: My friends. And far too many other things to list.
-- I suck at: Not taking things seriously. And all sports.
-- I am obsessed with: Star Wars! And all things remotely related...
-- I can: Write.
-- I can't wait: For my friend from Colorado to come here!
-- I am annoyed with: My own indecision and fear.

I put the icons of all my friends in the last journal, so here I will only put the icons of the friends I've made since then:

~renaissance1912 Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, &c., &c.! http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7384012/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7384012/ Thu, 22 Dec 2005 15:55:18 PST

Well, today was the last day of school before break, and I actually had a good last day! I thought I wouldn't, because yesterday and the day before were very lonely, because there were hardly any people at school due to the strike. (If you weren't there, I missed you!) But today, for some reason, a whole lot more people came, and it was very festive and very happy. I was worried that today wouldn't give me closure before break - wouldn't resolve this segment of school, somehow - but it did, despite the odd configuration of the day. It worked somehow. It was okay. I am okay, I think.

For me, that is incredible. Okay is the highest praise I can give to a day. It means I'm alive. (If you don't understand what I mean, that's all right. This is just the way I think.)

Anyway, now the transit strike is over - whew! - and I am free! I think I shall do some writing over break. Hopefully, I will be able to post the first part of that story I was talking about in my last journal. Yay.

Friends

Thank you all so, so much for being such lovely people; and thanks to my new friends on deviantART (whom I didn't know before) for being so nice to me. And thanks to you all, too, for getting me farther from Hoth and closer to Endor. The winter seems a bit less terribly cold with you people.

to you all.

People I watch who also watch me:

People I watch (for their Star Wars fanart

) but they don't watch me:

Person who watches me, but I don't watch her:

Sorry...

Club/community:

Yay!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!! ]]> ~renaissance1912 A question http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7149857/ http://renaissance1912.deviantart.com/journal/7149857/ Sat, 26 Nov 2005 13:58:27 PST If it's fanfic, I will probably not post it - although I'll write it no matter what. Thanks. ]]> ~renaissance1912