http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:retrofires&section=today deviantART RSS for by:retrofires en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 05 Dec 2009 07:25:36 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/24081647/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/24081647/ Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:40:11 PDT God, I miss writing. I miss writing well. I'm writing scripts for thesis, two 42 minute television episodes. Maybe I'll get them up here later.

In other good and writing news, I've had some developments. I think I mentioned the one already but -
1. Published in my school's lit and art mag - Chimera.
2. Inducted into STD (Sigma Tau Delta - English Honors Society)
3. Won a scholarship to attend the Chautauqua Writers Festival through the school.

So, yay me. It's nice. No, no it's not. It's amazing. Thinking about it makes me miss writing even more. I need to start writing more. I have so much stuff piling up in me, I don't know why I'm not writing. I don't understand, I can't get things to fit together, I can't create anything beyond my scripts right now, and that's new. That's not...argh. I need to work on this.


Again, apologies for the laxness around here and I'll try to be better, but it'll be awhile, I have a month left and a Lot to get done before then. So. Sorry.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/22812853/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/22812853/ Sun, 25 Jan 2009 20:58:37 PST The rules:

1. Post these rules.
2. You have to post eight things about yourself.
3. At the end, you have to choose and tag eight people and post their icons on the same journal.
4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
5. No tag-backs.

Eight things:

1. This should be my last semester as an undergrad.
2. I'm not sure I'm ready for this, as I have no idea what to do with my life.
3. I need to expand my musical horizons, badly. I have a pitiful amount of music, even if it's all great music, I need more.
4. I've been suffering from a lack of inspiration lately and I hate it.
5. I'm adapting my short play into a television series for my thesis writing seminar and I'll complete two episodes this semester.
6. I'm the oldest of six, the age gap between me and my youngest brother is 19 years.
7. At one point in time or another, I have been asked, or it has been assumed, that every one of my siblings is my child.
8. I do not, have not, and do not plan to date for multiple reasons. I may one day date, but I do not plan on it currently.

(also, I am unsure of how to do the icon tag thing and I am tired so I will figure this out at a later date.)

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/22265768/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/22265768/ Mon, 29 Dec 2008 17:41:35 PST
how's everyone been? i'm sorry i've been so horrible at keeping in touch and that my writing's been suffering. if last year is any indication, i should be writing more next semester, cause the more i have to write for school, the more i write for me so...ah. ah. it's my new word, my new little toy. nouveau, the reaches of your trenches are staggering, and we're coated in the dust of our crumbling lies. "so, i go insane, like i always do."

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/21839953/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/21839953/ Fri, 05 Dec 2008 22:46:43 PST
I have been a horrible da-er. I'm backlogged on comments and replies and I feel awful and I'm probably not going to be able to get to most of them. I'm going to try and work on it, but I'm not sure how it'll go and I apologize profusely. I suck. And I'm sorry.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/21376322/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/21376322/ Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:08:19 PST But. But. I submitted to the school journal, Chimera, and I got in. Be My Patience? And I am stoked and excited. This is pretty much my first legit publish. I was in the school journal in my school in the Netherlands but...So. Yeah. Yay me.
I'm going to go write a rant about the stupidity being displayed about making secondary citizens in this country. Grrargg.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/21068846/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/21068846/ Sun, 19 Oct 2008 18:26:31 PDT This year is flying by. Like enterprise fast and I don't like it. I finally am living, I have friends and fun and it's nice. I love it. I just. don't want it to end. It will. I just don't want it to. I don't want to leave, but I can't stay.
I have to figure out my life, grad school, job? what sort of job? What sort of grad school, what am I going to do with my life. I don't have long to do it either.
I'm trying to get the meditation group up and running and that's being a pain in my ass.
Other than that...a lot of little random things. I don't know, none of it's really horribly important, not in the grand scheme. They all add up to something important but I don't know how to explain. Ah well.
I don't know. I really don't..

VS.Celebrate You

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/20807363/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/20807363/ Fri, 03 Oct 2008 11:26:15 PDT Who after birth did'st by my side remain,
Till snatcht from thence by friends, less wise than true,
Who thee abroad exposed to public view,
Made thee in rags, halting to th' press to trudge,
Where errors were not lessened (all may judge).
At thy return my blushing was not small,
My rambling brat (in print) should mother call.
I cast thee by as one unfit for light,
The visage was so irksome in my sight,
Yet being mine own, at length affection would
Thy blemishes amend, if so I could.
I washed thy face, but more defects I saw,
And rubbing off a spot, still made a flaw.
I stretcht thy joints to make thee even feet,
Yet still thou run'st more hobbling than is meet.
In better dress to trim thee was my mind,
But nought save home-spun cloth, i' th' house I find.
In this array, 'mongst vulgars may'st thou roam.
In critic's hands, beware thou dost not come,
And take thy way where yet thou art not known.
If for thy father askt, say, thou hadst none;
And for thy mother, she alas is poor,
Which caused her thus to send thee out of door.

Anne Bradstreet.

Rather how I feel about some of my stuff on more than one occasion. First literature in my Am Lit 1 class that I've enjoyed thus far.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/20193025/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/20193025/ Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:58:09 PDT I think I am. I think I am. I want to be. This isn't related to fingers.
I am nervous, nervous and you aren't here to quell my silliness and I want to make you smile and love me. I am working on the story to win you over, just you wait.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/19956284/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/19956284/ Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:48:37 PDT
I'm totally and utterly in love with the con and the quins, but especially tegan, which is odd cause I don't usually do that. but whatever I guess? Her in a tie? Just about the hottest thing this side of Faith and Buffy fighting. I can't help it. i feel really gay lately, but that I don't act like it at all. And I don't know. I just kinda am. And I'm not really anything at all, at least not consistently. I hate it. I hate not knowing and I hate changing all the time. It bothers me a lot. I want to be over this shit.

I finally went to the doctors. Apparently I have Complex Partial Seizures. Not quite epilepsy but. I'm on meds for it now. It's exciting. I still have my license, that's exciting. Didn't like the doctor though. He scolded me when I asked him questions. S'cuse me for being curious about my condition. Tired ass old man.

Other than that....I miss a lot of my co-workers but I'm glad to be done with the work aspect of it. I made tips. I think that might be a bit illegal but whatev's.

I haven't really written. Most of what I wrote I posted here and the rest really isn't worth it.
I have a vague idea of what to do with my future. Basically, I wanted to work at Lowe's full time (even though they're shorting me on money, bastards. (I make a good two dollars less than someone who starts. I started two years ago. Anyone else see something a little wrong/off with that?)) and do a low res program for creative writing, but I don't know if I'd get accepted anywhere. My dad'd rather me go for a masters and work summers and if I don't get done by the time I'm 23 then go full time at Lowe's and finish cause theres a financial assistance thing. But. I don't know what to go for or if I'll get in anywhere. It was different for school cause I got good grades all the time and I haven't lately. I lost my skills. I haven't done that well since...last semester at Hollins. Which co-incidentally is when I became depressed, and started having problems with just about everything from understanding things to a big decrease in my ability to speak at times after an accident. I don't know. I feel like I'm just a failure and a lazy bum who's trying to pawn it all off on something else, but I didn't have these problems before then, and I feel a whole helluva lot dumber now, so maybe there's something to it. And maybe I'll get better.

I had an MRI. I saw my brain. The eyeballs freaked me out. Seeing a brain and knowing it was mine? Total tops. Being in an MRI tube with no way to get out ASAP? Freaked me out. Thank god I spend all last semester meditating. Saved my ass from panicking. Apparently I'm definitely slightly claustrophobic. It's exciting.

Sorry this is so long. I talk a lot. It's nothing new really. Ah. There was something else. Logan? Amazing. Absolutely. Kid understands concepts and how to put together a sentence and how to explain things with gestures movements, words and half words. He's not even two. He can use a fork almost as well as my seven year old brother, he can use my ipod. He has trouble getting the headphones in (i'm using the org. cause they haven't crapped out yet) but he can go forward, backward, pause, start and take the headphones out and put them back in. He helped me make a pie. I measured the ingredients he put them in a bowl and mixed it up, I put it in the pie shell and then we ate it. I mean. Seriously. Kid's not even two and he'll randomly come up to you and ask what you're doing, why and how. He is..something else.
Mitch isn't half bad either but. Oh can Logan charm the pants off someone. He's a pain. And a screecher.

I'm gonna try to reply to everything I got left, and I'm sorry and I'm gonna try and be on more. I go back to school the 24th and we'll see.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/19543110/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/19543110/ Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:01:15 PDT
* 1. Post these rules.
* 2. Each tagged person must post 8 things about themselves on their journal.
* 3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 8 people and post their icons on the same journal.
* 4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
* 5. No tag-backs

My 8 things:

1. I don't like drama or over-emotionality...but I am. I just don't broadcast it everywhere. It bothers the living hell outta me.

2. Sometimes I'm more in love with music that I listen to than anything else in the world.

3. I'm completely lost in regards to the future. I don't know what to do, or what I want to do, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if I wanted to, I could bust balls and take over whatever I wanted.

4. I act like a boss at work because I know more than everyone else in the two departments near me, even though some of them rank higher than me, and all get paid more than I do, I'm nicer and have seniority aside from my department manager.I don't know how I feel about the people in charge of me calling me a boss and deferring to me. I think I like it.

5. I can't be short and sweet for the life of me, and it bothers me sometimes. It depends.

6. I really, really want to have a night time picnic at school. I want to go shopping for food and make stuff and go with my friends to a picnic table at school and have a late night picnic. Really badly. So. If you go to school with me, lemme know if you're interested.

7. I tend to be subersive (subvert things?). I don't mean to, I just kind of subconsciously manipulate things to get what I want. I get it from my grandmother, and as much as it scares me that I'll never be able to trust anything I have or get from someone else cause I think I got it when they didn't really want to or didn't know if they wanted to give it, I enjoy the power.

8. I like making people pull information out of me. I don't like being in the spotlight and being asked a lot of questions, but if I have control over it a bit, and they really want to know and let me know, I enjoy it.


I think I'm a horrible person.

Uhm. Taggage I suppose. :sandmanno3:, :cynicalxpoet:, :wanderingxblues:, :Squirrel-23:, :lightdefined:, ShadowedDarknessx: and whoever else. I won't be upset if you don't do it. I just need to do something or I'll go crazy.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/19352383/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/19352383/ Sat, 12 Jul 2008 10:26:18 PDT Blah. Passed the class. Mucked it up but passed so...i guess its ok.
21 now. Still have yet to get drunk. Don't seem like the type though so. eh. Whatever. Who cares if I can never relax and let loose and just be?

I'm currently in a foul mood cause of my cellular device. It doesnt work all the time, and when it does work, its not always well. So, I ebay'd. Got a HTC Wizard. It came in the mail 12 days after I ordered it, and it won't turn on or take a charge and the wall charger doesn't have an identifying sticker and looks significantly different than what comes up when you google the charger so, I emailed the seller and said, yo, this isn't as listed, i'm returning the sucker and apparently in the 20 times i read the listing and double checked before bidding, i missed the as is, but there's a return policy and i filed a dispute through paypal cause they said the phone worked and it obviously does not. so. I'm returning it and getting my money. For sure, cause I am determined and I do not like to be parted with my money. This shit is not going down the way she wants it to.

I Will reply to all the comments that have been left that I have not replied to. I will read all of the deviations or look at them. I will accomplish this.
I might post some of the stuff I've written. I don't like any of it. None of its right but. there might be something to do with them. I dont know.

I want to write a comic. I'm sorry I've been a lousy da buddy lately. I'm working on fixing it.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18899100/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18899100/ Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:51:27 PDT
I came home today, hung with the boys for a bit then hooked up the wii to shoot some zombies and de-stress from work. i have a lot of days off coming up. i was scheduled 39 hours, but I'm pretty sure i'm gonna get 40 hours. its whatevs.
work is work. sometimes its stressful as fuck, sometimes it's a little fun, and sometimes its just a pain in the ass. i like the people i work with though. they're all nice and we (well. there are a few people that cause some issues, but they aren't in my department or a direct neighbor, they're just busybodies that insert themselves into other people's business.) all get along and such. there's management issues, of course but. i don't know. It's not too bad. of course there are plenty of times when im In work where i just hate the hell out of it. but its not like last summer. i have yet to want to just walk out and say fuck this shit which is good.
i'm kind of glad to be back, which is odd. i guess it gives me a chance to get out of the house, earn money and socialize some. i'm not very good at talking to people, i'm shy and awkward. its sad. i wish i was better at talking to people, there are some pretty cool people at work that i just can't seem to ...i'm just a frustrating annoying mess basically.

logan is amazing, as always. the things he can do...oh my goodliness.
neighbors are on vacation. woot. annoy the hell outta me. homophobic hypocrites. pain in my ass. ah.

the poetry thing wasn't as exciting as i'd hoped it'd be. i didn't end up reading, cause the first one i was helping out and couldn't, the second we got through most of the people that wanted to read when this nice old lady got up and read three really good poems. problem was, they were about something that was really sad and kind of killed the mood. but its kind of ok, cause it started pouring a bit after that so...least this way most of the people got out of the way. the critique group went well, though there was this one guy who didn't really shut up and that was a bit tough and annoying cause he had some good points, but no one else could really talk and that sucked a bit.other than that, it was fun and nice. talked to some nice people, heard a lot of great poetry and hung out and didn't get eaten by bugs but there were some freaky ass spiders that i didn't at all like. i greatly dislike spiders.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18662712/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18662712/ Wed, 04 Jun 2008 13:26:52 PDT
i am going and coming and swept in a monsoon.

"i am sleeping where i want."
this is not the season to be my husband, nor my lover.

she has taken ten steps back from me, and I have fallen back into my old path and am still the same and one sentence could do me in now.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18600812/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18600812/ Sat, 31 May 2008 21:37:56 PDT
I have to go through my stuff, edit it and get ready to read.

Ah. Any suggestions anyone?

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18599735/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18599735/ Sat, 31 May 2008 20:17:38 PDT
Sorry for the rant. it's just ridiculous. Just because I work in a hardware store and can lug five gallon pails of paint and stain around does Not give them the right to whistle at me and order me the fuck around like i'm some slave. It does not give them the right to talk about male anatomy and reproduction in general in the paint department of a store. No. They should be respectful and courteous, cause you sure as hell know they are Not talking to the other females that do not work in the store like that in the store.

Me working for a store, and you shopping in that store does not give you carte blanch to be an asshole, a skeeve, a creep or a sleaze. So keep your fucking hands to yourself, and keep your beer laden brain from talking about dumbass shit.

This is not directed at anyone here, I just can't stop helping a customer and say "shape the fuck up asshole," or "find your own damn paint and answer your own damn questions." though i want to.

i accidentally pawned these two creeps off on the new girl, and they were crude and rude with her. they were just jerks with me, but they were worse with her. i feel like an ass. i wouldn't have pawned them off on her if i knew they'd have been that jerky. ah well.

mallory walloping bingle badums. people can be such creeps.

ah. i feel better. i feel like a bit of an ass too. I like guys, in a non-datey way. The guys I know on here I love. I really like some guys I work with. I just don't like chauvunistic creeps who think they have the right to order me around and be all craptastic. I'm sorry if I hurt any guy's feelings, but. I don't think I should, cause you're all decent guys. I don't think you guys would be misogynistic or assholey like that to someone trying to help you when you don't know what you're doing.

i don't know if this'll stick around. *shrugs*

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18501628/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18501628/ Sun, 25 May 2008 21:05:41 PDT Hopefully I'll have time to write some soon and finish and post some of the stuff I started (not that it's a lot, I've been kinda writer blocked lately).

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18484424/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18484424/ Sat, 24 May 2008 19:21:56 PDT
Also, it's a pretty much proven fact that Lowe's makes me gayer. Boys are ew. I don't even like the cute ones. Bleh. Give me a while, I might de-gay a bit..Nah. I'll be in Virginia on Tuesday. I might never like another boy again. (aside from friends. So don't worry.) Dumbass Virginians. What the hells. (Don't worry if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's a long story with a lot of aggravation.)

I'm going to be co-hosting a critique workshop for the poetry thing in june. Nervous, but less than if it was me by myself.

I'm not sure if there's anything else. Oh. I haven't killed my sister yet. Mad props to me.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18208643/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18208643/ Wed, 07 May 2008 08:42:27 PDT
I have a portfolio due every day for the rest of the week starting tonight. I'm mainly done all of them. Sort of. I mean the bulk of the creative work is done.
I'm editing my fiction. That's due today. I just need to make sure the grammar is sound.
Fiction's done and turned in.

I need to write an essay and revise explications and maybe a poem or two for poetry tomorrow.
Poetry is done. Woot. That was the portfolio from hell.

I need to redo my character sketch and add a bit to the end of my script for Friday.
Scripts done.

I need to pack and visit with some people.

God. This is the end of everything that has been. I'm not ready for a new beginning yet. I like this. This is good and I haven't enjoyed it near as much as I should.

Basically, I shouldn't be commenting until like Monday. Knowing me. I'll be on anyway, procrastinating. I'm horrible. But everyone loves me anyway.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18131443/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18131443/ Fri, 02 May 2008 10:56:19 PDT I don't know what I'd "teach" or anything and I don't want to be a disappointment.

I belong to this writers group at home, and they have a yearly poetry get together. It's not a festival this year but they're looking for people to run workshops and they sent out an email to everyone and also talked to my mom and asked for me to read and run a workshop.

Gah. I'm thinking that it'd look great on a resume or on a cover letter for publication but...Am I ready? What would I do? They all seem to think I'm more amazing than I am.

I'm ok with reading. And knowing me that's a bit odd, but I'm ok with doing that. I just need to relax some more.

It's june 14th, if anyone wants to come to it. Lester Hirsche will be there, he's got some great poetry and songs. If anyone wants more info, let me know and I'll share it. It's a lot of fun, and it's at the place my picture Lake was taken at.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18107104/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18107104/ Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:36:40 PDT
"deck the halls
i'm young again
i'm you again
racing turtles
the grapefruit is winning
seems i keep getting this story twisted
so where's neil when you need him
deck the halls
it's you again
it's you again
somewhere someone must know the ending"

I was ready and done and given in and now its all kaput.
I'm in love with swedish accents, and quirky girls who sing so far away from me.

"hands down
i'm too proud for love
but with eyes shut
it's you i'm thinking of.
but how we move from A to B
it can't be up to me.
'cause you don't know.
eye to eye
thigh to thigh
i let go"

Do you understand? Cause I certainly don't. I miss my home, I miss my little brother who is conversing and learning and growing and I cannot comprehend this world.

"and for you i keep my legs apart
and forget about my tainted heart
and i will never ever be the first
to say it but still I,
yes you know I..I..I..
i would do it, "

I don't understand, I can't focus and my head doesn't feel right. It's not dizziness, not exactly. It's just...off. Not quite right. I'm drinking more water. I'm taking my allergy meds. I'm not taking my vitamins. I'm wearing my glasses and I am so tired of this body, so tired of this struggle.

Tori Amos. Lykke Li.

"Could you stay long enough for me to say goodbye
You can be free as long as you're with me
If you could see the real me you'd bleed
If you could see the real me I'd breathe
Could you still breathe long enough for me
Could you still be long enough for me

Chorus:
When do you think I'll be okay?

If I should stay when do I pray
If I should stay where do I begin
Do you think I should watch you die
Should we close our eyes and say goodbye?"
Filter. Miss Blue.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18045721/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/18045721/ Sat, 26 Apr 2008 21:49:10 PDT I want to have my homework done. I don't want to listen to this shit.

(I'm not saying rap sucks. I'm saying that it's after midnight. The accordion is playing. I'm cranky. I'm tired and I don't want to listen to this shit, and I don't want it to be so loud that I feel it in my feet, on my floor.)

Wtf is wrong with people? What happened to common courtesy and decency?

God. I am cursing like a sailor in my mind. These guys are soooo lucky I don't fight or throttle people, cause I would so kick down a door and hand them their asses if I was an outwardly violent person.

I don't know how I'm going to sleep. My whole life revolves around sleeping.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17996428/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17996428/ Wed, 23 Apr 2008 18:14:35 PDT
FORGIVENESS

I already owe you.
Rage has more velocity than pain.
To think of you again,
how good it could have been
had we been slightly different
at a slightly different angle of the day.
It doesn't work this way.

AUBADE

I wake to the smell of a stranger's toast
and a knocking so bad in my pipes
I can't believe I slept through.
It's air, I know,
but it sounds like someone begging out.
The nightmares have returned.
I circle the airport.
You recede.

Just two of the 69 poems in her book, "Wideawake Field." I love it. I love her. This assignment much better than it did last semester for fiction and has put me in contact with the second book of poetry I love, the first being Antiworlds and the Fifth Ace by Andrei Voznesensky. That brings me up to a grand total of two books of poetry that I like, let alone love.
I think people should check her out.

Other than that...I've been spending way too much time outside and should force myself to work ahead some so I don't go crazy with the staggering amount of work I have left in the next two weeks. I probably will be on way too often to check stuff out, but I won't be very active. I shouldn't be.

I've been having a horrible time writing. I've written a bit, but it's kind of crappy. I just..don't have the energy or the emotions right now, and I just want to write...

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17934346/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17934346/ Sat, 19 Apr 2008 20:49:12 PDT like you're satin in a coffin.
You said, "Do you believe what you're sayin'?"
Yeah right now, but not that often.

Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
God I sure hope you are dead.

Well you disappeared so often
like you dissolved into coffee.
Are you here right now "

I cleaned up a little.
Organized a bit. Frustrated with my computer and life.

I let it go...I let it go. I'm not mad or holding on anymore...

I'm going home so soon...for so long...I don't know how I feel about it...I want to go home, but I don't want to leave and...I don't know.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17919012/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17919012/ Fri, 18 Apr 2008 21:14:46 PDT I realized about twenty minutes ago, that at some point in the 15 hours preceding the computer crap out, that I had written a poem that I neither posted or saved, cause I wasn't sure what to save as, or if it was ok enough to post.

So. God damn it.

I am so upset right now, I don't think I'm capable of holding a civil conversation. My head hurts and I feel like,...I am pissed.

You need to come around so we can work out the last few kinks, cause this is Not working for me.

"You don't know how to ease my pain. - You don't even know how to say goodbye." Goodley and Cream - I love 80's music.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17904960/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17904960/ Thu, 17 Apr 2008 23:49:59 PDT I don't know how I feel about this.

Sometimes I desperately miss my little brothers, and my mother. I worry about not being at home, especially with the amount of medical things that crop up while I'm away.

I'm a fixer, but I can't fix anything anymore.

Not even me. I can't even begin to root me out to work on anything, I haven't a clue where to start.

I keep waking up tonight.

I think I might post "Breathing". I'm not sure...
I wrote it as a free-flow, stream of consciousness rant after not being able to fix something. I was near panic afterwards, when no one could see.
Parts of it, in my memory seem really good. It's been sitting around, waiting for me to edit it for months now, and I've tried a few times...
I just...slip back into the feeling I had that night, the panic, the fear and the worry.
I threw line breaks in, made it one of my longest poems ever, but miss the lack of line breaks.
I worry about posting it, but doubt anyone else but me would feel the way I do about it.

Three weeks. Oh dear, oh dear, oh Lord have mercy upon my meager soul...
I still pray, when it comes down to it, a comfort object I wrap around myself, but I cannot remember the words. Just the feeling of the lack of what I have had.



Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
I have sinned...Lord, I have sinned...

I am falling to my knees and crossing and crossing and panicking. I am not ready, I am not willing.




I need more time to fix my mistakes, my holes and my downfalls...


I will never be ready.
I will never be who I should be.
I will never be who anyone needs me to be.
I will never be what I should be.

Oh, Lord, Oh Lord...

I am leaving soon...and I have been oh so bad...such a soulless passive aggressive reticent coward, and I can no longer say that I do not write from my perspective, or to people.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17838114/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17838114/ Mon, 14 Apr 2008 10:17:36 PDT
I am clasping my broken hands on shattered shards of glass, grabbing mindlessly, trying to figure out which piece is the keystone of the puzzle that is me.

I am failing.

I am failing and falling so far behind and running away seems like a better option, withdrawn, tired and fatigued, I am clutching at the few things I have left, and you have ended up the same as almost everyone else.
I should have known better.

I still want to shave my head, and be someone new, someone not me, not weak. Someone better than I could ever be.

On a side not, I can no longer sleep. I have destroyed my bed. By destroyed, I mean the mattress was moved off the frame, the mattress pad is off the mattress and the sheet is off of everything.

I miss my sleep more than my peace of mind. Where is my sleep? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, where have you gone on me?

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17729297/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17729297/ Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:13:20 PDT I should have ages ago, course I should have bucked up and sat down and talked it out instead of letting it all go and keeping it in and dealing in secret, but maybe it's better this way, it keeps the weakness of me away from everyone else.

I'm ready for the summer and the end of all the things I know, so that I can crawl away and nurse these hidden wounds and live in the trees and forget all about this. I should have never learned these things, and I shouldn't have thought that things would be different. I'm pulling back and avoiding you as much as you've avoided me, cause I can't stay around, I can't stay weak around you darling, I can't falter, I can't sway and I sure as hell can't crack, and it's so hard to stay ok when you're around. So, it's ok that you don't come around so much anymore, I'm not holding it against you, and I'm letting go, so breathe in some relief.

I can't wait for next semester and amazing hallmates and lousy classes and fun times and meditation and tea.

I'm tired of now, and ready for this to stop and go away and leave me be again, ready to slump back into what I was and stick with it, because it hurts so much less that way.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17659018/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17659018/ Wed, 02 Apr 2008 21:07:52 PDT +written a three page essay
+critiqued two short stories
+been intensely irritated at a friend (just because I'm a crotchey ornery person who is destined to be lonely and be murdered so she can solve my murder. whatever. i need to work on my passive aggressive tendencies and get out a bit more. cause i feel like i was a total ass to her most of last night and today and that makes me feel shitty. and this is hush hush ix-nay on the
ay-speak.)
+listened to a great deal of - Iva Bittova (czech violinist. I have such a thing for stringed instruments, especially cellos. I can't help it), Santogold, The Organ and 80's music.
+Read 1113 days worth of comics. Yes. [link] I like it. They are snarky and I have a soft spot for comics cause you know what, I'm a geek. And a dork, and now since there are webcomics, I don't need to spend money on that. I can just read QC and LFG. (www.lfgcomic.com)
Deal with it.
+Called my mom and had an interrupted conversation with her.
+Had an existential crisis
+doubted my sanity. Again. A few times.
+Decided to become asexual.
+Decided that I could not, in fact, ever do that without severely screwing myself up.
+Decided that I shall not ever, in fact, date. So, I may as well become a nun, and if I'm a nun, I should be asexual. Which, if I did go to a nunnery, would be ok, because at that point, I'd have gone back to Catholicism completely, and unbelieved everything I've come to believe since I left. Which is basically that everyone is worth something and that I should be nice to them, and gayness is awesome.
+realized that I am, in fact, not as bad as I think I am most of them.
+been happy.
+been bummed, depressed and wanted to sleep for a year to not deal with stuff.
+realized that overall, I am happy. That I'm glad (for the most part) that I am where I am, as I am. Though I wish I could be more open and have more hugs and stuff.



Really, the most important part of this is that in the last 24 hours, I have not only read all my normal things, replied to a few comments (will work on rest) and gone to class and done my homework, but
That I have read
one thousand
one hundred
and thirteen multiple panel daily comics. There were at least 3 thanksgiving breaks in that comic.
Over One thousand comic pages of more than one panel.
And I got a hug. It seriously means the world to me. I could probably survive off them. I know I definitely go through withdrawal and my life is a lot shittier without them.
And I had a laughing fit in public because my friend and I were faux fighting, probably in a way to ease the tension and my guilt at being cold and distant and apparently making her stupid when she talks to me. It's not my fault I get a look on my face when she asks what I'm reading when it's obviously a comic. Sighs. I feel like a huge asshole that should be shot now.

Damn it.


Ah...ehm. I'm feeling murderous.

Who would write to me in jail? Please? I'll write back.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17591378/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17591378/ Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:25:34 PDT
"here we go
they're back again
look alive , warn your friends
we are warm and we are safe
enjoy it while you can before
things change
...
lie down in a field if you can
look at the night sky
oh, where does it end?



sometimes it hurts when you
care about me





but it's going to hurt more when
they take you away from me
...
here we go again
oh midnight knocks!
oh explosions!
maybe it's all made up in our heads
this happens to me when i'm bored
or depressed"


Timmy Straw. The Organ

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17545533/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17545533/ Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:15:43 PDT
"Overall, her deviations received 666 comments " I don't know whether to be amused or worried by this.

The wonderful sandmanno3 has made me a little icon and lit tag, and I'm very excited about that.

Gah, I hate not being able to find music. I hope I don't need to break out busted by mb20...that usually means I'm upset. It's very different from their other stuff. It's...meh, I need more music. Like now. I want something wild and new and experimental, and I'll settle for it in music, so let's go.

Oh....oh oh oh oh oh....

I'm going to post some poems from my class, but one of them started life as a sonnet, and I changed it and it's not a sonnet, so I suppose I should just post the re-write...right?...

[link] - the hoop things look like fun. I just want to move, ah. movement and stringed instruments, there's almost nothing better and I want to dive right in.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17531824/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17531824/ Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:59:24 PDT So how bout, you reach you
You realize, you see it
Come on, you really love this
You cry out loud when you're reckless in the dark
You like the way it feels good
You love the way I make you forget
You turn me on, whenever you're around
You like the way you feel it
I love the way I make you forget
You seem like you're unstoppable now
You take love and keep it all somehow
It feels like all I need is your help
I'm fading alone, all by myself."

I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't make myself think, I can't make the connections, I just, sit or stand and keep trying to kick start my mind and it's not working, and I feel like such a fool when I try to talk because I must sound so stupid, and I know I'm not so stupid, I can't be this stupid...
I just..can't seem to comprehend things, can't make things work out in my head, and my emotions like to play with me.
I wish I could figure myself out.
I keep writing bad poetry. I'm pressuring myself too much, too much of a want to have it right the first time. It's bad, I need to start letting it go, letting things go and just...start being ok with myself.
I want to fall into someone and just feel and not worry about things. I just want hugs and to feel real again. To not feel like I'm going crazy. I wish I wasn't so shy and self conscious, it makes being touchy feely so much harder.


Uh Huh Her

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17455583/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17455583/ Sun, 23 Mar 2008 17:48:54 PDT Letting some...stuff, things whatever umad go..

There's a scholarship in the English Dept in my school for a writers festival in the summer, like a weekend long workshop, and the due date is Tuesday for the portfolio, and I keep wavering on whether or not to apply, and I have no idea what poems to use. I mean. sigh. I want to, I just..don't know what to use. Or if it's worth the bother, cause the festival is creative non fiction, fiction and poetry, and there are people with more skillz in other areas than I have in mine, but I should still try. Meh.
I hate when I frustrate myself.
It's due Tuesday, 10-15 pages, so far I have a list of definites and a list that I made of ones I was thinking about, but I don't know about my maybe list, cause I have a tendency to have an emotional attachment to them and like them more than others, even if others are better?...

Definite-
Sarah
(Hard Won Peace)
(I heard you sing)

My thoughts-
Mine
Stitch by Stitch
Falling Down
Do you even see me?
And the rose is blooming
Lost at Sea
Dealing with the aftermath
Mistakes
CoronaryRelief.RigidBeliefs
Drifting(maybe after editing)

I hope things go well for everyone, and sorry for the quietude on my part and such.

b52s.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17376677/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17376677/ Mon, 17 Mar 2008 09:58:21 PDT
"And you burn burn burn your life down
I drive around the block
And I'm not looking to my right
I feel the glass against my cheek
And I can't see you in the light
I break my heart around this
Break my heart around this
I drive around the block
And I'm not looking to my right
I feel the glass against my cheek
And I can't see you in the light
I break my heart around this
Break my heart around this pole"

Tegan and Sara

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17364084/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17364084/ Sun, 16 Mar 2008 13:52:36 PDT Step down, step down,
Step down, step down
Hey megalomaniac
You're no Jesus
Yeah, you're no fucking Elvis"

I am so close to done. I'm tired of this. Of being me and being like this and having all this shit. I'm so tired of it, and so close to done.

Watch your steps.

"i can't take it
i can whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa"

I hate homework.


"In the den in the cage of ribs
we pretend to make sense of this,
and we'll sleep like an earthquake,"

Disney. Incubus. Tegan and Sara. Cara Beth Satalino.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17273345/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17273345/ Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:15:32 PDT He follows me around, sometimes when his hands clasped behind his back, and he talks to me and tells me stories and has a little car he scoots around on. He sits and fakes driving with noises and has me join in, same with hand clapping, and it's fun.

"hello mr zebra
can i have your sweater
cause it's cold cold cold
in my hole hole hole
ratatouille strychnine
sometimes she's a friend of mine
with a gigantic whirlpool
that will blow your mind"

Haven't hung with Mitch too much, planning on changing that. Not really worried bout the others.

"I´ve been on my knees
But you´re so hard
hard to please
Did you take me take me in "

I disagree, disavow and pull back in denial, I am not, nor have I been for years now. This is not the way things should be, but I cannot fix this, I cannot vilify you either. I am failing and floundering, and weak and wanton, and I am craving you near me, because things are better around you, so come around some more darling, I won't ensnare you, I assure you I'm not after anything but your touch and company.

"There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind"

Call me whenever you want, when you have time...I miss the sound.

Tori Amos.INXS

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17259175/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17259175/ Sun, 09 Mar 2008 16:20:30 PDT Wouldn't matter at all anyway
But now I find that when it comes to you
I'm the winner of cards I can't play
Wait for me, wait for me
Darling, I need you desperately, desperately here

And I'll find a way to see you again
And I'll find a way to see you again"

There is a block up, a space keeping me out, keeping me from being me, from you, from us. There's a tenuous connect between us, I can feel the pull, the contentment that follows you around, even though you are a tempest in a teapot yourself. You are tossed and turned and lost and finding yourself just as much as I am, but when you are around...when you are around, I am no longer floundering in sea, I am only lost at sea.

"You're gonna hate me when I tell you everything
You're gonna question whether you really know me at all
You will revisit every smile, and where it fit into the day
I know this is how it will play
And I try, oh I try to think of all the things
That I could do to let you know that I love"

I do not know how to be around you, I don't know what to do around you, but I know how I feel, and I do not think you should worry that I would keep you from anything. I'm not looking for anything but what you could be for me, if you would be around me. I don't want a forever, I want a friend who isn't afraid around me, a friend who can be, and let me be me, and let me make me feel real.

"She's so pretty; she's so damn right
But I'm so tired of thinking
About her tonight"

It's nice being at home. I missed my brothers.

"And you're wrong, you're wrong
I'm not overreacting
Something is off
Why don't we ever believe ourselves
And I, oh, I feel that word for you
And I will, because you've worn me down
Oh, I will because you have worn me down"

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17201375/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17201375/ Wed, 05 Mar 2008 19:53:59 PST no, you don't love me, don't you say that you do
cause you can't
be my pleasure to sit here
and talk with you all day
but there's no part of me that's not wasting away
as we speak of these dreams,
promise might be but never are
oh, change is beyond me
i'm helpless to start
don't try to touch me
i'll just rip apart
all the people and things
i wish that I knew how to care for"

Ah Jenny. My love for you is bounding. My love for cold showers? Still non-existent. Today was a wee bit warmer, but not enough. Goddamn showers. I don't know if it's the time I'm showering or what, but holy hell am I feed up with cold showers.

"The paranoia is distressing
And I spend most of my nights guessing
Are we not? Are we together?
Will this make our lives much better?
I'm not in love
I just wanna be touched
I just want your kiss, boy
(Kiss, boy, kiss, boy, kiss, boy)
I just want your kiss
I just want your kiss, boy
(Kiss, boy, kiss, boy, kiss, boy)
I just want your kiss"

I'm bit bummed that my parents don't cook like they used to. I understand why, and am all for it, cause frankly, as annoying as my dad gets, I don't ever want him not around, and if eating crap food means he'll stay around longer, bring on the bad food, but,...I still am bummed. This means no more real food for years for me now, least not till I'm done college, less I get a kitchen somehow.

"I’ve been mapping it out
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
But I wish that it was something else
I’ve been mapping it out
Maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself
It’s silence at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
It’s silence at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da"

I don't want to pack tomorrow. I have to sort through my books to see which ones I'm taking home, cause with what I have now, I won't be able to take them home end of year. I'm probably leaving sometime on Friday, but if my mom doesn't get better, can't leave before Saturday. If that's the case, unless my dad leaves wayyy early, I'm gonna hafta figure out what to do with the stuff I need to take with me until he gets here.

Jenny Owen Youngs.Kate Nash.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17178168/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17178168/ Tue, 04 Mar 2008 10:43:47 PST
"I miss everything
When you're away from me
So if you need me
Well baby come and see me
If you need me
Well baby come and see me"

There are few things more annoying than a new neighbor that likes to blast Rap that you can hear through a cinderblock wall on the other side of the room. An accordion/bagpipe duet is one of them.

"it must be something in the way they say
and the magic that you bring in
between all you imply
this is me before I come undone
this is me before I fall apart
I've been tired for days and days
I've been tired for days and days
it could have been a month or
it could have been a year but I
I gave up long before
long before you cared"

I'm a chicken, a coward, a coddled piece of flesh wasting away.
I'm a failure, a frowner, a fixer-upper-tosser-outer.

I am here, waiting, baiting, but I can not help at arm's length, I can only help as much as I'm allowed and I am not much.


Kind of looking forward to break, mainly to hang with Logan and Mitch. Logan called me the other day. we talked some. Way, way way exciting. (He's a year and a half. )

Tegan and Sara

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17148443/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17148443/ Sun, 02 Mar 2008 12:06:48 PST But you couldn't quite discern me.
Does that scare you?
I'll let you run away, but your heart
will not oblige you.
You'll remember me like a melody
Yeah, I'll haunt the world inside you."

"I forget when the words were only words
She knows the party makes me nervous"

but you don't seem to care anyway,
and she is right
when she tells me I don't really matter,
to you and I know I should listen to her
but the taste of you around me in the air,
is almost more than I can bear,

"In this stage we can't get hurt
Don't try to understand me."

Pulling back, folding in and around
and under, and I am capsized from you,
and you have loosed the ropes holding
me to you and I am done, and gone and
you are left behind, still uncaring.

"But oh how I want you to know me
Oh how I want you to know me
Oh how I wish I was somebody else, baby
Oh how I wish you could own me"

Fiona Apple.MB20

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17116163/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17116163/ Fri, 29 Feb 2008 11:30:24 PST And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cos all I really want's to be with you
And feel like I matter too."

Sorry as you color the way I'll bleed down this path,
lonely as you shut yourself off and drag away and pull
and push and prod and I am a mark on your list of
never-gonna-happens, instead of a friendly notch
on your belt, yet I still want to stand and grab your
shirt and bring you closer to me and tell you

"And I'll do whatever you say
I will say whatever you want
if you just put that away
if you just perish that thought
Oh you talk about violence like it doesn't exist
like a fire is a womb,
and a womb is a fist.
And I'll bend withforthee
when your tongue comes unglued
but ill seize up inside
if your mouth says it's true. "

"You're second best, Cassius it's over." Liar liar pants on fire on a bus will get you in trouble in second grade going to see beauty and the beast and another play about a grandfather clock and I am wilting and wavering over here.

"I wish I could feed you some ritalin
so maybe I could get a reaction
or maybe even some facial expression
but it's not your fault
if you really don't wanna."

If you really don't wanna, it's not your fault, if you really don't wanna, but don't expect me to wait for it, and wait and wait and wait, and her waif is my wife and I am a husband to this fact, but you do not practice polygamy and I am lonely in this worn out bed that cannot stay single and shifts like an earthquake.

"You can't escape what makes you tragic you know
Vicious cause you want to be
Leaving time possessed to please you
What might have been was never the way you envisioned things
So difficult to stop pretending what's this to you anyway
Turn down the voluptuous
Keeping close to me again
Hold back your virtues
You're fearless in motion "

Sign, wave, sine, cosine, sign, sign me over, sing,
and sang and bang and oh, and oh and oh and oh,
I could have been yours, I could have let you in,
could have tamed and tramed and framed this all up.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17090809/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17090809/ Wed, 27 Feb 2008 15:07:42 PST It's the meanest fire. Oh, it's a strange desire,
You can not lie That's a needless fight.
This is where your sanity gives in
And love begins. Never lose your grip,
Don't trip, don't fall, You'll lose it all.
The sweetest way to die."

I'm torn on Faulkner. We're reading As I Lay Dying, and some of the writing is amazing, but I think my problem is that I have a lot of trouble concentrating sometimes and to sit down and delve into the book with that and all the other homework and stuff I have to worry about is kinda rough for me.

"I'm in the phone booth, it's the one across the hall
If you don't answer, I'll just ring it off the wall
I know he's there but I just had to call
Don't leave me hanging on the telephone"

D-d-dance your way over here baby, I want to feel you close, c-c-loser. This distance is aching and sagging and pulling all the
seams that were worked on for hours all apart, and I am singing Queer to you, pulling you in, pulling you down, and taking you apart, you will be mine, and I will reel you in, just like I was
taught to.

"Oh why can't we talk again?
Don't leave me hanging on the telephone
It's good to hear your voice, you know it's been so long
If I don't get your calls then everything goes wrong
I want to tell you something you've known all along
Don't leave me hanging on the telephone
I had to interrupt and stop this conversation
Your voice across the line gives me a strange sensation
I'd like to talk when I can show you my affection
Oh I can't control myself!
Don't leave me hanging on the telephone
Oh hang there unrelieved!"

Had a bit of a backstep this afternoon, was looking at grad schools, was weak and let myself fall and couldn't fight it off. Bit better now, but still. Was doing good. Was happy and content and relaxing and I really am never good enough, and I'm sorry for that.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17055595/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17055595/ Mon, 25 Feb 2008 10:42:56 PST if I see another feather on the dumb-box
I'm gonna go to Babylon and get me some whiskey
Gonna get me some whiskey now...
If I hear another song about angels
if I see another feather on the dumb-box
I'm gonna go to Babylon and get me some whiskey now
My name is Lucille and I know how you feel "

Had a great weekend, starting Friday morning. Apparently if I go to bed at a decent hour, waking up at a semi decent hour is ok, and by semi decent I mean 9. I'm a college student. It's acceptable, but I went to the campus meditation group, was nice. Nice guy running it, was relaxing, time flew by, then I went and got some tea and breakfast at the UC, also quite nice, talked to the lady there, cause I was all relaxed and yay, and then I was lazy-ish till class, and it was canceled, which is kind of bad, cause it was canceled Monday too, because the prof. had a reaction to his medicine and that's not so much with the cool.
Had work, was cool, finally watched the Breakfast Club after work, and yes, I really hadn't ever seen it before. I'm horrible, I know.

"As i glance once upon the foam
40' beneath my feet
The coldest calm falls
Through the molten veins
Cooling all the blood to slush
That congeals around the again"

Was supposed to work Saturday, but got canceled, which ended up being quite ok by me cause then I got to eat dinner with a friend, and have a nice long talk bout a lot of things. I love talking. I forgot how much till I started really talking again. (Btw, my dorm chair is awful and not too comfy. I wish my orange chair was a little higher cause it's more comfy to sit in that than this. I would say it's hella comfy, but it's not the most comfy chair ever. It's pretty good though.)

"If I kiss you where it’s sore…
will you feel better…will you feel anything at all…?
You’re getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder
and I don’t understand, and I don’t understand
but if I kiss you where it’s sore…
will you feel better…will you feel anything at all…?"

I got up about 9.36 on Sunday, puttered around the room some, then decided, not worth it, cause probably not going to bed for many many hours and to be up this soon with this much time and quiet just isn't worth it, so I went back to bed and didn't really sleep, then decided to go get a shower and food and I don't know why I'm narrating my whole weekend to no one. Maybe to make sure I won't forget. I doubt I will, but this makes it concrete I suppose. I don't know. I'm weird. I do silly things all the time.

"I had a dream
Crispy crispy Benjamin Franklin came over
and babysat all four of my kids
Then in my dream I told the doctor off
he said "if you don't wanna do it
then you don't have to do it"
he said "the truth is you'll be ok anyway" "

But, I talked a lot Sunday. It was really nice. Good walks, good company, good tea. I love tea. My hair's a mess. I put it up to go to meditation today and its all meh now. I'm kinda too apathetic bout my hair, I just wash and brush it and put it in a pony tail all the time cause it's in the way. I can't wait till I have ten inches and can cut it again. I don't like long hair. I kind of want to go really short, but I don't know if I'll like it, or how I feel about it, so I don't know yet.

"The grave diggers getting stuck in the machine
pickings getting slim, slimmer
I hear them say my name
regin-ah, regin-ah, regin-a-ah
yes I'm putting the boulder to my ear
and I still can't hear
whadya think I was an amateur
playin' with my temperature... "

Made a new buddy at meditation, was pretty cool, we talked for a good half hour afterwards, was nice. Might become a recurring thing, with maybe an adventure after. Tis is exciting. I talked a ridiculous amount the last three days. I like it. I'm gonna try and keep it up.

I apologize for how long these things are most of the time.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17017211/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17017211/ Fri, 22 Feb 2008 21:56:49 PST
"Load up on guns and bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over bored and self assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word
...
With the lights out it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us"

I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm never enough. Never enough. I want to be good enough. I want to be someone worth knowing. I want someone to talk to.

"Come as you are, as you were,
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend,...
Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours, don't be late
Take a rest as a friend as an old memoria"

It's probably fucked up, but, the girl that was "my friend" in my first school, the one that walked up to me, and said she couldn't be my friend anymore, because of that thing, I'm not mad at her. I don't blame her. I don't think it was because she couldn't resist the social pressure.
I think it's cause I wasn't good enough for her to want to bother.
If I wasn't good enough then for someone to want to be around, how could I possibly be good enough now?
I don't even understand how I made it through school.

"Welcome to your life
Theres no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on mother nature
Everybody wants to rule the world"

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17007403/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/17007403/ Fri, 22 Feb 2008 10:50:48 PST All day and all night
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel to take flight

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves,"

I went to meditation all by myself this morning, was nice. Dude was cool, we talked some. Went by far faster than I expected. I'm not sure I was breathing right, but it was calming, and relaxed me and I felt better till about half an hour ago when my stomache decided that it needed to hurt and give me heartburn/acid reflux and make me miserable. I'm annoyed by it, which is why mood is what it is. Had a good talk with my parents yesterday. My dad's a sweetheart. I miss him. he's such a pain to live with all the time, but in small doses or on the phone, he's great. And my mom can be stress relieving if I tell her that I'm stressed. It's nice. I forget how cool my parents can be. And they really can be cool. My sister probably paints them pretty bad, but if her friends knew what it's really like, they'd be jealous. Most of the people I knew in high school were. I mean they can be huge pains sometimes but they're pretty great overall. Generally if it's not too technical in a physics or calculus sense, I can ask my parents for the answer and if they don't know the answer, they either know someone that knows, or has a book about it. I'm such a spoiled girl. Most of my religion class was old stuff to me from school and talks with my mom. I don't talk much with my dad at home, but I learn plenty from him too.

I talk Wayyyy too much in these things. I apologize if you read these, especially if you are bored. and if you enjoy yourself, couldn't hurt to let me know.

"You moved like honey in my dream last night
Yeah, some old fires were burning
You came near to me and you endeared to me
But you couldn't quite discern me
Does that scare you ? I'll let you run away
But your heart will not oblige you
You'll remember me like a melody
Yeah, I'll haunt the world inside you"

I am internally cursing like a sailor at the moment, cause this is Not fun. It's totally taken over my brain waves. I just got a new song last night, Where Did You Sleep Last Night, by Nirvana, I haven't really listened to too much of them, but I was talking to a friend and asked them if they'd ever heard of Lead Belly, who was born in 1889 and I really liked WDYSLN, and found out Nirvana covered it. it's exciting. I've been listening to Nirvana covers (patti smith and tori amos), fiona apple, cara beth satalino and the organ lately. I enjoy good music. It makes me happy on the inside. So does good tea. I had some this morning after meditation. went and got some food and some tea.

"I'll let you see me, I'll covet your regard
I'll invade your demeanor
And you'll yield to me like a scent in the breeze
And you'll wonder what it is about me
Though dreams can be deceiving
Like faces are to hearts
They serve for sweet relieving
When fantasy and reality lie too far apart
So I stretch myself across like a bridge
And I pull you to the edge
And stand there waiting
Trying to attain
The end to satisfy the story
Shall I release you?
Must I release you?"

I annoy myself greatly. I find myself to be needy, unsure, wavery, unfair, lazy, a failure, a disappointment, and I don't think I'm ever really good enough for anything. I can't talk, I can't sit down with someone and tell them what's on my mind, what I need to tell them, I can't talk about my emotions or feelings, sometimes I can't even focus enough to say a sentence. I can't pronounce words, and I'm not fair. I feel like I ask for far too much from everyone I know. It doesn't even make me sad that I don't like myself sometimes, cause I can't imagine it, I can't remember it anymore.

"And maybe some faith would do me good
I don't know what I'm doing, don't know should I change my mind
I can't decide, there's too many variations to consider
No thing I do don't do no thing but bring me more to do
It's true, I do imbue by blue unto myself, I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it's all going to be alright
I believe that it isn't"

My stomache feels better now. I'm going to work on critiquing some stories for fiction, go get some foods and class, then back here real quick before work. beyond that, I don't really have any set plans. Going to take walks sat and sun, and maybe go to walmart to get some stuff, but nothing really aside from that homework. I'm such an exciting college kid.

"I feel that I'm finally growing weary
Of waiting to... ]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16982854/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16982854/ Wed, 20 Feb 2008 18:41:24 PST I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts."

I'm so bad at this homework thing lately. I have no focus, energy, and I'm increasingly apathetic. Bad thing. Quite bad. I should get on it, hardcore.

"And I'm ashamed of running away
From nothing real--
I just can't deal with this,
But I'm still afraid to be there,
Among your hounds of love,
And feel your arms surround me.
I've always been a coward,
And never know what's good for me.

Oh, here I go!
Don't let me go!
Hold me down!
It's coming for me through the trees.
Help me, darling,
Help me, please!"

My phone's being an asshole. It won't send or receive texts, and I should call att tomorrow, but they like you to call on another number so that you can do whatever they ask you to fix the thing, and its just bleh. I'm bleh. Bleh. fleh bleh bleh bleh.

"I got a bad desire
I'm on fire

Tell me now baby is he good to you
Can he do to you the things that I do
I can take you higher
I'm on fire"

you wouldn't believe the things i could write, could say when i take my filters off.

I am getting so close to

done.

you should start watching your step sweetie,
I never was a patient girl.

"And I forget
Just what it takes
And yet I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
Its hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Hello (x 16)

With the lights out its less dangerous
Here we are now
Entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now"

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16960675/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16960675/ Tue, 19 Feb 2008 11:37:21 PST I've had it with terrible terrible waste
we broke it off in haste, how tragic

And I look for you on the road
and I look for you in the haze
and I look for you in time
and I search for you in space

Will magic mend our open wounds
we wreaked havoc on each others' hearts, how tragic
how tragic, I'm destined to love you
I manage to survive in the absence of you"

found a new myspace music love, the organ. Love Katie Sketch's voice. Hate essays. Yesterday was nice, talked to quite a few people, all my classes got canceled so I got to be lazy, which was exciting.

"if i pay you five dollars will you try to make my bed?
if i pay you ten will you make me well instead?
i love your baby baby harmonies
you really brighten up my basement suite"

I made my bed today. For some reason the last month and a half I haven't really bothered to clean my room, or make my bed, and I've been undeniably, unforgivably lazy. So today, instead of doing homework, I cleaned up some. And I have come to the conclusion, that I have an amazing amount of books. I have a suitcase full, I have three large piles that are about to topple over all over my room, and half a chest full. I'm ridiculous. I'm just like my mother sometimes.

"oh goodness me
we've got to meet
i need someone to have fun"

My mom changed the messaging plan on the phone lines, took off my plan and got a family one, so no picture messages, but I'm free to message the one person I ever message all I want. Which I was before too, but now I can annoy my brothers and sister. Which is exciting. I always want to say sisters, even though I don't have more than one sister. I kinda sorta became an h during brunch the other day.

"here is the best part of the song
where i admit that i might be wrong
because if they are good and if
they are right
then they’ll have their rapture one
of these nights
but if they are wrong..."

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16936634/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16936634/ Sun, 17 Feb 2008 21:19:01 PST Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding"

i will not wait forever, i will not stand here silent
and watch you pass by, i will not rope you into
anything we aren't ready for, but i will not
sit idly by and be a momentary distraction
from everything, i will not be ignored like this.
I will not keep you from things, I will not keep you.
I will not wait forever. I will not be silent
and easily appeased. I will not fight, I will not lose,
I don't understand this.

"maybe i ain't used to maybes
smashing in a cold room
cutting my hands up
every time i touch you
maybe maybe it's time
to wave goodbye now
time to wave goodbye now

caught a ride with the moon
i know i know you well
well better than i used to
HAZE all clouded up my mind
in the DAZE of the why
it could've never been
so you say and i say
you know you're full of wish"

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16926027/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16926027/ Sun, 17 Feb 2008 08:34:48 PST This thing that I'm saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at"

I hate homework and being trapped. I hate who I am and how I am and where I'm at. I just rolled out of bed, and already I don't like today.

"I feel like a fool so I’m going to stop troubling you
buried in my yard a letter to send to you
and if I forget or god forbid die too soon
hope that you’ll hear me know that I wrote to you

all you need to say to me all you need to say to me
is call (call) and I’ll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all
and I won’t take any other call"

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16900869/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16900869/ Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:17:07 PST I am a flirt,
but I am looking for better."

I am spectacularly good at finding ways to fuck up even the smallest things. I continue to amaze myself.

"You're entitled to
A night or two in bed
Without disguises...
You're awake enough
To know just what it takes
To get away from me "

I am falling farther and farther away. I can't focus, can't concentrate, can't make myself do the things I need to do. I avoid it as long as possible, possibly in the vain hope it'll do itself and then am disappointed and stressed beyond relief when I leave myself with no time to do it and meet my other obligations. I had trouble counting yesterday. I needed to unplug my printer for 30 seconds, and I couldn't count to 30 Mississippi's. My head is all...funky, I hate this, I hate it, I hate it.

I'm turning into such a bad person.

"I am lost so I am cruel
But I'd be love and sweetness
If I had you
I'm waiting I'm waiting for you
I'm waiting I'm waiting for you
I am weak but I am strong
I can use my tears to
Bring you home "

On the plus side, I have decided that I am relatively decent at short fiction shots. 700 words or less. I'll post a collection of some of them. So far two are in what I'm gonna call "Perspectives of Death and Dying", one from a high school collection, and the rest are 1-5 sentence fan fiction that I have been text messaging to people. I text message stories. I am amazing.

"But I will accept you
Til the sun falls down
And I will protect you
Til the sun falls down
And I will respect you
Til the sun falls down "

I just realized that all I had to drink today was a little bit of water from various water fountains, and I am not very good. or healthy or right anymore.


"Hey boy, take a look at me
Let me dirty up your mind
I'll strip away your hard veneer
And see what I can find
The queerest of the queer
The strangest of the strange
The coldest of the cool
The lamest of the lame
The numbest of the dumb
I hate to see you here
You choke behind a smile
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer "

I'm starting to be tired of how I am, and how it's not who I really am, and I'm working on changing that.

I also found a new myspace music love - cara beth satalino. Reminds me a bit of regina. I uh, have recently developed the habit of going to the myspace's of bands I enjoy and clicking on whatever bands they have on their top 8's. It eats up a good amount of time, and introduces me to lotsa new music. I hit dead ends sometimes and need to go back and start again, but it's like a game I can't lose. I love it.

CSI. don't forget. These'r all directed.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16870929/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16870929/ Wed, 13 Feb 2008 20:23:23 PST Take a year take a year
You took me out and took me in
And told me all of this
And then you take a moment
Take a moment
Take a year
Take a year
You help me out
I listen in
You taught me all of this "

i hate homework. officially now. essays and explications have a special level of hell all to themselves, it's right next to the special hell for people that talk in movie theaters.

"I feel the knife going in
I'm feeling anxious
Not enough to kill me
I thought it'd happen fast
But I'm feeling it now
And I feel anxious"

i'm not mad, just, upset and unhappy and grumpy. And sore and tired. It doesn't seem to matter how much or little sleep I get, I'm still tired all the time. And sore. which makes me even grumpier. it's a bad cycle.

"I'm gonna take you to the end of tomorrow
it's not just you, she loved me too
I'm gonna take you to the end of my world
I'm gonna qualify
I'm gonna satisfy
my love
I will take you to the end of tomorrow
I will take you to the end of my world"

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16840394/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16840394/ Mon, 11 Feb 2008 21:15:12 PST Because I'm holding a grudge.
I never told you that
I won't back two for my seconds
never back down two for my seconds
and in time it's all your fault for the minute
for the minute
it's all your fault for the minute tonight."

I'm grumpy. I hate when i can't stay in a comfortable position cause my joints hurt. My head hurts and its heavy and i'm grumpy. my joints are bothering me again.

"right now I feel so empty
and someday won't be ending
until I've done all that I can
all that
until I've done all that I can
one day
it'll get easier
'cuz right now
I feel so simple
Until I've done all that I can"

i don't know what to do. this could be so much easier, everything could be so much easier if we just communicated and i don't think it's all on me this time. i know i'm shy and quiet but it's not all me. and i'm growing so tired and sore of this.

"All that
Until I've done all that I can
Until I've done all that I can
And so I said hello hello hello
I'm right here
Oh hello hello hello
I'm right here
I'm right here waiting for
Into yesterdays news
I'm sorry I was late I was so blue"

i'm still very grumpy and upset about before. i want to talk about it. i want to beat up va boy.i need to talk about it. need to clear the air, otherwise this will not work. so, when there's time, i need to sit down and have a real honest to god one on one conversation.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16823673/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16823673/ Sun, 10 Feb 2008 19:56:20 PST If this was the thing to do "

Feeling crappy tonight, been wearing glasses and dizzy and having trouble walking. wrote three poems today. mildly productive. didn't have a crap ass dream where people died or got killed by me today. another plus. still a crap weekend. it's pretty much sunk beyond relief. so is the rest of the month, potentially the rest of the year, and maybe even the rest of my life. it depends. i'm still leaning towards everything being crappy as fuck.

"This feels like a real life fantasy
It feels like you
This feels like a real life fantasy,
It feels like you...

Be a good girl like you're supposed to
Dominate your fear
Be a good girl like you're supposed to
Dominate your fear "

can you tell which ones are 'yours'? honestly?

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16786241/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16786241/ Fri, 08 Feb 2008 20:30:35 PST You have been blessed now go be wise.
"It is a coward who will say he's not afraid
Of dying when clearly he is potently alive"

Maybe it terrifies me
This quiet siege
Maybe it terrifies me
This quiet siege"

ah tori.
ah ah ah. i turn into a little girl who acts all silly around you sometimes. i don't understand it. hearts go ratta tat tat and thump and i will let you go, i will let you be it all, but i don't know how to tell you what i should tell you.
drowning in this uncertainty, do you ever
see the waves of reason
crash over your head,
pulling you under
or is it always waves
of disillusion, need, want and never of reason?

i wish i could pull you close and make you see.

"I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen "

i'd tell you that i'd let you be my world if i thought you could understand what that means.

"No one's picking up the phone
Guess it's me and me
And this little masochist
She's ready to confess
All the things that i never thought
That she could feel and

Hey Jupiter
Nothings been the same
So are you gay
Are you blue
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to
And i thought I wouldn't have to be
With you something new."

i think i might put off that conversation with my mom. the older i get, the less sure of it i become. i went from 50. to 75. to 85. and i'm around 95 now. maybe i am. i don't know. i'll figure it out one day. maybe. i should still tell her. she thinks i should have it figured out by now. maybe i should. maybe she won't care that i don't. maybe she won't care.

I'm having a night...i just want something to fix this ache. i feel so needy, and all i want is a hug. i'm so unfair to myself sometimes. maybe i can figure out how to forget everything i've ever learned and been and start all over again, and be nothing like i am now. maybe that would make things better. maybe then...

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16760869/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16760869/ Wed, 06 Feb 2008 19:53:03 PST I trade my old shoes for new feet
I grab a new seat
I don't like the one I got the fabric's wearing through
and it's wearing me out
you're wearing me down "

Went to an a cappella concert tonight. Quink, dutch group. 10 songs in french, one with no words by a dutch composer, and 12 in english.
God. I missed dutch. i miss the netherlands. I miss it so much it hurts sometimes. I miss being there, I miss biking to school, to the store, I miss hearing dutch all around me constantly. I miss it. God I miss it.
I think, that if I could, I'd just go there now, and stay.
Make me forget.

"got time to wander to waste and to whine
but when it comes to you
it seems like I just can't find the time
so watch your head and then watch the ground
it's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown
it's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down
if I gave you my number would it still be the same
if I, if I saved you from drowning promise me you'll
never go away oh
promise me you'll always stay"

I talked to the one dude for a little bit, he's from Zaandam, but he moved to hilversum, and the hospital i was born in was in his backyard when i was born there.

"I felt you in my life
Before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay down
Beside you
And tell you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
And now we're saying"

my keyboards all scratched up on the bottom. makes me sad. I need to get a can of air, cause my keyboard is bothering me. i feel like i need a hug.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16751303/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16751303/ Wed, 06 Feb 2008 08:54:57 PST [link] this sounds like a lot of fun, but i'm not totally sure. It has an awesome line up. Like, Iron and Wine, Tegan and Sara, Jose Gonzalez, bss, rk, am. Zach Galifinakis. I find him to be really funny. Avett brothers too.

"And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in"

Feel better today. It's odd, reading day soon, so only 2 of 6 classes this week for me.
Thinking of going to Quink tonight, not cause I'm really interested in Medieval or Baroque acappella vocalists, but because they're dutch. Someone should join me. s'at 6.30.

"And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know"

I'm so confused by some things sometimes its astounding. I like that word. Astounding. It's not very pretty, but there's something there. I dunno.

"So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it"

I'm going to do some homework then food then class, and then a walk.

find me out
spell it out
won't be the same forever
do you know know which ones are yours?

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16737792/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16737792/ Tue, 05 Feb 2008 11:54:34 PST I can at least focus better? I hate this.

"It lay buried here. It lay deep inside me.
It's so deep I don't think that I can speak about it.
It could take me all of my life,
But it would only take a moment to

Tell you what I'm feeling,
But I don't know if I'm ready yet.
You come walking into this room
Like you're walking into my arms.
What would I do without you?"

need you around,
one two three four
will you stay around
when i let you know who i am?

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16730758/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16730758/ Mon, 04 Feb 2008 20:59:54 PST
Was random clicking on band's myspaces last night, found Katharina B. Nuttall. Love her. And Talk Demonic, which is fun, but Nuttall love.

Called my mom tonight. Wasn't that bad until I brought up something I shouldn't have, and then it was absolutely fucking godawful. It didn't go well, and I don't know how to damage control it.

I need to talk...
"i want to draw you a floorplan of my head and heart
i want to give directions, helpful hints,

what you'll be looking for
what you'll be looking for"

I'm still getting dizzy. Mainly at night. Things are getting hard to do again. I hate when this happens, when it crops up like this. I don't mind being sore, I don't mind...I feel trapped in my own body when it refuses to work. I feel trapped in my mind when it leads me in circles and doesn't let me be clear.

"i think about writing you, i thought about calling you

what was i looking for
what am i looking for

i know
i hold this pain in my heart forever"

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16687569/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16687569/ Sat, 02 Feb 2008 09:10:02 PST I said I had a dirty mouth
Stop analysing my behaviour
If you're too dumb to work it out
I've got to keep myself together
You know I hate to disappoint
A masochistic lamb to slaughter
Maybe you miss the point?
I'm feeling small
I'm climbing the walls
I don't let it show"

Hate pop-ups. [not dizzy yet. is exciting.] nvm.

feeling creative yet altogether odd, as if somethings not quite right and i don't know how exactly to fix it, and i'm worried that if i try to rotate to fix it, if i try to fix it, i'll just end up making matters worse.

"Better off dumb
Maybe I could write a letter
To help me with my self-esteem
You should get to know me better
No one's ever what they seem
I'm feeling small
Climbing the walls
I don't let it show"

Tori has some really really pretty songs. I missed them. Have a feeling I'll be having a Tori kick soon. Looking forward to it. Tend to be a bit more productive then. I like being productive and writing. I talk a lot in these things and I write them often. They're an excuse. A convenience, a need I can't quite pass up because I don't know any other way to do it at the moment. And that's a shame.

sh-sh-shaaaame
g-g-g-gotta g-g-g-giiive
it back to m-m-mee.
"honey bring it close to my lips."
t-t-take it away,
t-t-take it away,
if you can't h-h-handle it.

"You still don't know what you think of me
You still don't know what you mean to me
You still don't know what to think of me"

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16678604/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16678604/ Fri, 01 Feb 2008 17:32:24 PST and you don’t seem to mind
I guess it happened a little too many times,
too many times
You tried and you got tired,
those long oft written stories
You held a fire right under the snow
They don’t they don’t
How could they really know
They don’t, they don’t know how it really feels "

I like pretty lyrics and voices and songs. I like to listen to them repetitively and all together on shuffle.
I got a call today and I have work 4-6 tomorrow, which is exciting, and I'm going to do some laundry tomorrow, sheets, towels and most of my hoodies.
I've come to the conclusion that I am a lightweight in alcohol terms, again I get my mom's genes and that's no fun. And I still haven't gotten drunk, but I'm sure it won't take much.
Last night was gezellig. It's a bit hard to understand, and looking it up won't help, but I can try to explain it if you'd like. I can't pronounce things, but I can write them generally and on occasion explain what I mean.

"You touched my hand
I felt a force...
but now I'm not so sure
Just stay awhile
Stay awhile
Stay awhile
Why don't you
Stay awhile
Stay awhile
Stay awhile"

I'm feeling a little off tonight, I thought that it was just maybe cause I hadn't really eaten much today, but I just got back from dinner and I'm still dizzy so, I'm not really sure what's up with me. course, my roommate is still sick but I refuse to get sick. I had a version of this at home. I will be grumpy if I'm sick again. Specially cause I won't get any get better hugs or kisses.

]]> ~retrofires http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16656531/ http://retrofires.deviantart.com/journal/16656531/ Thu, 31 Jan 2008 09:58:02 PST I wonder if you ever will,
I wonder if you’ll ever try.
Don’t get sad about all the strange things I wrote,
They faded as the ink dried…

So I say go, go, hold your fists high,
Grow, slow, stand in for the fight
though I hope you never have to.

So I say run, run, sparkling light,
Have your fun and then come home at night,
I’m sure you’ll tell me something new,
Yeah I can see the world through you.
Frozen lakes and night storms,"

David Fonseca makes really pretty music. So does Jose Gonzalez and The Knife/Honey is Cool.

I keep having net issues, and it's irritating me to no end. Dumbass computer. Been writing some. Finally got most of a story I've been thinking of for awhile out, kind of. I have different versions of it, they just all start out the same. I might make a collection. Maybe I'll post it after I tweak it some. I'll put some of my new and old poems up too, have to type some up, and play with them. I have missed this more than you'll ever know.
I'm glad I am where I am, even though it's not how I want it to be, and I'm not who I want to be, I haven't written like this since before the last Jan. I was in Virginia. That was a fucked up month. I should tell you about it one day. I was different before then. Different when i was there.
Maybe you remember.

I'm good, and it has been too long since I have meant it how I meant it. It's good, and I owe some thanks. You'll know who.

I think I like T.S. Eliot. I'm too much like some people I listen to sometimes, and you'll see that soon. Eliot's intertextuality gave me an idea for a project. I'm excited. i'm not sure I'll ever follow it through, but it'd be fun to try, and it'd work better than a novel, and make me easier to understand than just straight poems, though so few of mine are.

come dance with me,
prance like a prince,
envelop me and absorb
me, and be nevermore!/the one.

]]> ~retrofires