http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:riainirishboy&section=today deviantART RSS for by:riainirishboy en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sun, 20 Dec 2009 18:17:04 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16774593/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16774593/ Thu, 07 Feb 2008 18:08:34 PST The point: I love my Jill and I never ever ever want her to go away!


Jillfayce! says:
i'm killing myslef over this
Jillfayce! says:
honestly
Jillfayce! says:
like i really want to step up
Jillfayce! says:
and do something
Jillfayce! says:
but i can't
Jillfayce! says:
and i keep telling myself i can't
Jillfayce! says:
but iw ant to so bad
You Rawk says:
what
Jillfayce! says:
god i'm driving myself crazy
You Rawk says:
tell your friends to stop being cuntbags?
Jillfayce! says:
like tell her i like her
You Rawk says:
oh
Jillfayce! says:
no haha i did that alreayd
You Rawk says:
ok
You Rawk says:
yeah
You Rawk says:
ok
You Rawk says:
I was wondering
You Rawk says:
if your spine had melted over this whole thing
You Rawk says:
and there was none left
You Rawk says:
ok
You Rawk says:
phew
You Rawk says:
well
You Rawk says:
you already knows what I sed
You Rawk says:
and if you've stood up for her friend
You Rawk says:
she will hear about it
You Rawk says:
and have respect for you
You Rawk says:
for standing up to your friends
You Rawk says:
for her friend
You Rawk says:
I thinks
Jillfayce! says:
i just keep telling myself i have no chance with her though you konw? like that it's pointless. and it just sinks me down deeper
Jillfayce! says:
ugh i hate this
Jillfayce! says:

You Rawk says:

You Rawk says:
bakk
You Rawk says:
hads to get a tissue
You Rawk says:
nose is runnin
You Rawk says:
and my feet smell
You Rawk says:
I IS UPSIDE DOWN!!!
You Rawk says:
haha
You Rawk says:
anyway
You Rawk says:
you is upside down over this deary
You Rawk says:
and it's beginning to make me really really worried about you
You Rawk says:
you is sinking deeper
You Rawk says:
and deeper
You Rawk says:
and deeper
You Rawk says:
and deeper
You Rawk says:
because you is SPECULATING
You Rawk says:
and MAKING the problem you're facing
You Rawk says:
the more you thinks about somehting
You Rawk says:
the bigger
You Rawk says:
meaner
You Rawk says:
nastier
You Rawk says:
and harier
You Rawk says:
it becomes
You Rawk says:
the only way to set this aside
You Rawk says:
and be at peace with yourself
You Rawk says:
is:
You Rawk says:
1. Forget about it (and in my opinion wonder forever what would have happened, thereby taking the coward's way ouy and not actually solving the problem, and also creating another)
You Rawk says:
or
You Rawk says:
2. STRAP YOURSELF UP AND ASK HER THE FUCK YOU AND FUCK WHAT PEOPLE SAT
You Rawk says:
SAY*
You Rawk says:
which is the Jill I know
You Rawk says:
and I'm wondering where that JIll ran away to
Jillfayce! says:
me too
Jillfayce! says:

You Rawk says:
what can happen if you get shot down?
You Rawk says:
short-term
You Rawk says:
angry people
You Rawk says:
will forget about it
You Rawk says:
when the next piece of juicy gossip comes along
You Rawk says:
you don't sound like a really popular person
You Rawk says:
by your own design
You Rawk says:
and so
You Rawk says:
you won't be hartassed by too many people
Jillfayce! says:
i gues i'm just
Jillfayce! says:
afraid of what she'll say
Jillfayce! says:
more than anyone else
You Rawk says:
get over it darlin
You Rawk says:
you'll have to ask a lot of poeple for things
You Rawk says:
in your life
You Rawk says:
and if you're afraid of being shot down every time
You Rawk says:
you'll get nothing
You Rawk says:
and you're too good for that
Jillfayce! says:
thank you so much ryan
Jillfayce! says:
i love you so fucking much
Jillfayce! says:
honestly
Jillfayce! says:
dude this reminds me of
Jillfayce! says:
a line from one of my favorites songs
Jillfayce! says:
by the cure
Jillfayce! says:
its like
Jillfayce! says:
get too scared to jump if i wait too long, but maybe someday
Jillfayce! says:
that's EXACTLY how i feel/how this is turning out
Jillfayce! says:
i waited way too l... ]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16416605/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16416605/ Tue, 15 Jan 2008 11:59:56 PST I apologize for the recent dramatic family journal entries. It was a way to help me cope, and I thank everyone who listened and made such nice comments. Your support was invaluable.

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16401505/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16401505/ Mon, 14 Jan 2008 11:29:34 PST I AM no longer a "minor child," and have a lot of money that I myself
can bring to the table; about 40% right NOW, actually, and I am applying
for every scholarship I can get my hands on.

If you ever had any doubt I am more proud of you than I can express
in words or deeds. I hope you agree that we haven't treated you as
a "minor child" for some time.

I would strongly urge you not to take my mother to court on the issues
that have arisen.
Going to court will solve nothing; it will, however, spend money that
would otherwise be spent on my college education, especially in my
mother's case. Any legal fees she has to pay will reduce the realistic
amount she will be able to contribute to me. My mom has promised that
she will pay what she can - that is good enough for me. And, if I am, as
Dee says, the most important person in this process, my trust in her
should be enough to make this whole fiasco irrelevant. This move would
be wasteful, stressful (something Dee said she lost sleep over causing)
and in no way helpful to anyone. So let's be adult about this, and
trust one another. I trust that my mom AND you will provide what they
CAN. You should trust me to provide what I can. The point of this, to
be blunt and selfish, is to get me through college without debt. This
very expensive proposition will hurt everyone, and most likely make the
ultimate goal impossible.

We don't think that going to court would be worth the pain and
anguish and might not improve the situation in net dollars. We've
said this to you in the past. Both sides would expend considerable
capital. Consider also that the court is unlikely to act until one
party has failed to meet an obligation.

Your mom has promised me to pay what she can as well. She will
receive ~$14,700 in child support during the time that you would be
at college each year. This neglects to include any expectation of
proceeds from savings she may have made over the last 12+ years from
portions of the ~$20k of child support she has received annually. I
have proposed that she commit to room, board, and books/materials
which total $9500 (this year) exclusive of books/materials. If she
chooses to contribute substantially less than this it would mean
that your child support payments were subsidizing her lifestyle, a
purpose for which they were never meant.
~dad

Hi Ryan,

I just want to reiterate, because although your dad and I discussed it,
it wasn't in his e-mail to you. Your college education will get paid
for. We are just trying to prevent you having any loans from the last
year because we feel that shouldn't be necessary in this case. We said
that before and it hasn't changed.

You should see the snow coming down here! We are snowed in and not
complaining.
~dee

Dad and Dee,
I appreciate your attempts to help me understand the situation, and to try to empower me to make adult decisions.
However, your giving me this information after I have asked for you to stop is not right. There may be something I can do to influence the two of you; however, my mother will do what she can, and me or you badgering her is going to change nothing. Thus, you telling me these things, possibly causing me to think horrible things about my mother, and then possibly yourselves, is totally pointless and actually is counterproductive.
The way I can help ensure that I have no loans coming out of college is simple, and has nothing to do with either you, or my mom. I can apply for scholarships, and keep my GPA at a 3.5. This is how I am going to take charge of my college financing. I have literally no real control over monies in either your control or my mother’s. I trust that BOTH parties will do what they can, I will reiterate, and THAT IS ENOUGH FOR ME.
PLEASE stop these emails. If you really lost sleep over causing me stress over these issues, Dee, then stop doing it.
Yours,
Ryan

Ryan,
Sorry, just want you to stop worrying and be happy.
~dee

Ryan,
I want you to know that the most important thing you do each day is your
best. I'm not quoting a feelgood seminar, I mean it. I expect your
best, no more and no less. If things with one scholarship or another
don't work out, its not the end of the world. Many students stress
their way through college, worrying that their parents will be
disappointed, etc. I'm not of those parents and don't want the 3.5 GPA
to be a burden to you. I want you to enjoy the experience, it only
happens once.
~dad

Dad,
And thank you so much for that. The best way... ]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16392110/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16392110/ Sun, 13 Jan 2008 17:33:44 PST
I assume that your dad told you about the DVD. I also found the Zippo
lighter a couple of days ago and put it with the DVD.

I did check that student-home version of MS office, and it doesn't
expire like all of the student versions of the really expensive software
I'd like to buy for school. You should definitely get it when you get
to school. That one version should last you through all four years.
Let me know if you want a tutorial on any of the programs you aren't
familiar with. Actually, you are probably a wiz at all of them now.

If you feel pressured to get a laptop, let's talk. It seems everyone at
school owns one, but they rarely bring them in except for certain
occasions. We can discuss why and the differences for your education,
plus how often they crash and get stolen.

By the way, from the history I have put together (found more after
talking to you), your mom has benefited greatly from her partnership
with Mike. He might not be the wage earner that your dad is, but he
seems to be shrewd as far as real estate (or perhaps just lucky), but
more importantly, I think that he is able to stand his ground better
than your dad. Your dad was unable to say "no" to your mom and their
financial situation was not good and hadn't been for years when they
separated.

The point of all of this is that you don't need to take care of them.
They do a darned good job on their own. We all have bad years due to
job losses, illness, etc. But we get back on our feet, and in 6 months
or so, we are back on track.

--
Deirdre (Dee) Hall
T&D Hall Associates
(978)922-8409
[link]

Hi Dee,
Thanks for letting me know about the Zippo. I think I'll pick it up when I come down to work for Senator Obama on Super Tuesday or the weekend before, along with the other stuff.
I don't think you understand what the pressure of your insistent requests, demands, and information divulging is doing to me. It is placing me between two sets of people that I care about, trying to find a way to please both. It is using me as a tool to fight your battle for you; your fight is an adult's fight between yourself and my mother. I have no place in this fight. It is causing me such emotional stress that I am losing sleep, and my personality has been noticeably different to people who know me well.
There is nothing I can do to influence either party, one way or the other. There is no purpose to your continuing to use me as a playing piece, unless you wish to continue causing me pain, which I do not believe is your intention.
I would like this bullshit to stop right now. I am tired, sick, and physically ill over the stress you and my father have put me under.
I think you might now understand why I come down to visit so infrequently; each time I leave very distressed and unhappy.
I hope you understand what you were doing to my head in the past few months, and will desist.
Sincerely yours,
Ryan



Dad,
I am taking responsibility for my education by working on what I CAN influence, and that is scholarship applications, and keeping a 3.5 GPA so I earn the Pres. Scholarship; I truly have no influence over how much money you or my mother give me, and it has been bothering me very much that I was trying to work with something that was not responding. First, I attempted to find out how much moeny was under my social security number, and your side of the table was unsure of the amounts there, or neglected to tell me. Then on your bidding I attempted to find out how much money my mother had, and have been told that she herself is unsure. So I am from hereon in giving up dealing with either side when it comes to how much money is being put on the table; that is the decision and perogative of yourself and my mother, and I truly have no power in deciding what it is, can be, or will be. I will focus on putting as much on the table as I can personally, because it is my education and my future, and therefore I should be working harder than either you or my mother to make sure it happens with as few kinks as possible. And, if you happen to have enough money to almost cover me through college, there is grad school to consider. I'd like to be able to come out debt-free from that as well, and maybe even have some rent money put away for when I get an apartment, hopefully with some friends somewhere, where I get my first job.
I probs already have a fall-back point; Tia is getting an apartment in Portland, and Kennebunk is a place where I am basically guaranteed a job (as an English-Latin certified teacher that I hope to be, and as an alumnus) so I could start off there. I don't know if I told you, but wh... ]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16369753/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16369753/ Sat, 12 Jan 2008 09:29:45 PST Thanks for letting me know about the Zippo. I think I'll pick it up when I come down to work for Senator Obama on Super Tuesday or the weekend before, along with the other stuff.
I don't think you understand what the pressure of your insistent requests, demands, and information divulging is doing to me. It is placing me between two sets of people that I care about, trying to find a way to please both. It is using me as a tool to fight your battle for you; your fight is an adult's fight between yourself and my mother. I have no place in this fight. It is causing me such emotional stress that I am losing sleep, and my personality has been noticeably different to people who know me well.
There is nothing I can do to influence either party, one way or the other. There is no purpose to your continuing to use me as a playing piece, unless you wish to continue causing me pain, which I do not believe is your intention.
I think you might now understand why I come down to visit so infrequently; each time I leave very distressed and unhappy.
I hope you understand what you were doing to my head in the past few months, and will desist.
Sincerely yours,
Ryan

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16348578/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16348578/ Thu, 10 Jan 2008 18:41:44 PST I was up an hour early to meet a carpool at the Kennebunk exit for the Turnpike to go to Rochester, New Hampshire. This carpool was leaving at a quarter to six in the morning, headed for Senator Barack Obama’s campaign on Primary Election day. Why?
Once in a while, one is confronted with the opportunity to do something he or she thinks is very important, that can’t be passed up. I believe in Sen. Obama’s message of hope, and could not have forgiven myself for passing up an opportunity to make the small difference I could make, to help him how I may.
Waiting to leave the park and ride at the Kennebunk exit, I got an idea of how active the campaign trail was in New Hampshire, from Maine director of Students for Barack Obama, Benjamin Goodman. Goodman told a story of two workers, one for Hillary Clinton and one for John McCain. They were kicked out of their hotel room because their third room mate, a Mitt Romney supporter, was hooking up with a Ron Paul supporter.
“So if there’s a Paul/Romney alliance,” Goodman remarked sarcastically, “we know where it came from.”
Pulling out at 6:00, Kennebunk senior Tobin Weltin was driving the convoy’s lead car with Goodman, a fellow KHS senior, and KHS freshman Teddy Nichols sat beside me in the backseat.
After hot muffins passed out in the dark by KHS ’06 graduate Caley Ostrander, and a great amount of complaining about the time from Falmouth senior Kevin Kirby, we were finally on the road, serenaded along the way in our car by Imus in the Morning, Goodman’s favorite morning program.
On the way up, Goodman attempted to hail the early-morning New Hampshirites with a circular Obama sign out the window, which promptly blew out of his hands. We had brief fears of it landing on a windshield and causing a highly publicized and election-losing accident, but fortunately the minivan driven by KHS junior Sara Cressey flattened the offending sign and solved the problem for us.
We arrived in Rochester to find that New Hampshire had become, in Goodman’s words, the political capital of the world. The streets were lined with signs and screaming campaign workers, all before seven o’clock in the morning.
Early commuters were being hailed by students on the side of the road, and cars honked as they passed Obama supporters toting “Honk for Change” signs. There seemed to be more Mitt Romney signs than people.
From 7:00 to 8:45 we stood on a rotary in the center of Rochester, waving Obama signs and making general idiots of ourselves, waving and screaming at cars, and raising the chant, “Be a part of something great – Obama, oh-eight.” Many people honked for change or waved to us, but some others shook their heads and yelled “Hillary!” or “Ron Paul!” at us.
With cold toes and fingertips, we trouped back to campaign headquarters at 8:45, and signed in. Ostrander, Weltin, ’07 KHS graduate Liisa Rajala and myself went for a Dunkin Donuts run for the Kennebunk crowd, collected the warm goodness and brought it all back for everyone, thoroughly improving everyone’s mood.
Promptly thereafter the four of us headed out to Gonick, New Hampshire, assigned to canvass, or go door-to-door talking to prospective voters. Most weren’t home, presumably at work.
However, all but two voters I spoke to on the first canvassing run were voting for Sen. Obama.
Returning to canvassing headquarters in Gonick, we were given Papa Gino’s pizza, which was surprisingly good, even considering how hungry we were.
We then headed back HQ in Rochester and were sent back out to do visibility work standing in front of an Elks’ lodge voting place.
When we arrived at the polling site, representatives from each major campaign were there, including a wholesome old man on a stool toting a Duncan Hunter sign. As we greeted voters on their way to the polls, he told us stories of his endeavors as a Boston resident in the poor area, and debated history and politics with us.
This talk drew over a Iraq veteran who was disputing the Hunter supporter’s claim that enlistment was higher in Iraq veterans than in regular troopers, thus proving that they believed the job could be done. The veteran, who supported Congressman Paul, became very angry with the Hunter man, but eventually calmed down.
He and I traded stories about the military, mine being retold stories heard from my brother, a sergeant in the Marine Corps who served a tour in Anbarr province.
We rushed back to HQ for 2:45, having been distracted by the debating, and began a whole new and daunting challenge – night canvassing. It was important that the last voters got out to the polls, and so Campaign was determined to hit every single house again. We noticed a lack of Obama signs on the streets, and when we br... ]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16261512/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16261512/ Fri, 04 Jan 2008 20:31:10 PST Always be on guard for the foul mood that casts the shadow over everything you do; it has no real power, but it lingers at the edge of your thoughts, and your hold over it is always tenuous, at best. It can blacken and make foreign, pointless, and evil everything you do; it can cast a shadow over you and refuse to let you see life's greatest integral parts, even when they're staring you in the face.
On other words, be on guard against yourself.
For you love to see yourself cry.

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16229723/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16229723/ Wed, 02 Jan 2008 18:59:31 PST WORDS OF THE ADULT
Lost
In the labyrinth of my own
thoughts
writhing in serpentine patterns and
ways
means to meet ends of which
I don't know
anything more than what
they tell me
I know. It's so hard to
stand
on my own two feet, as
is suggested,
as would make me independent and
free
but freedon mas its price, its
responsibility.
Damn I never thought a word could be that
scary
its meaning
of total self-reliance and my own
power
being the thing that drives me on
to succeed
or fail as my skills and perserverence
allow me
or afford me in this viscious cycle of
life
neverending, with its hidden booby
traps
and ways to snare yourself hidden in every
teddy bear
that life sends you, even giftwrapped like
a present,
but it is always multilayered and
complicated
with circumstances hidden whtin its
use
circumstance, another word to make cold
the soul
of one who actually thinks on its true
meaning
and its wole in our livves.
Responsibility
and circumstance are the words of the
adult
experience, wrought as it is by
randomnity
and arbitrary dream-shattering as well as by
dream-makers
and dream achievers who are
hated
by the rest of society since they've
won
the perceived struggle against the
behemoth
of life.
The secret is that they
haven't
Unless they are happy by way of their
own
standards, from whih come the
discrepancy,
the problem, because fromwhom
should
they take advice in what their
standards
should be? Who has the right, the
authority,
to tell you how to live your life, and
to whom
do you owe your duty and from where does
your honor
come? Answer me that, and you are
divine.

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16006758/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/16006758/ Wed, 19 Dec 2007 20:55:50 PST My stepdad is all against it, because he wants me to save money for college. He thinks its stupid for me to go when I need to pay $172,000 over four years to go to school. He's pressuring me to apply for scholarships, which is okay. I need the focus ... :/
The problem is, he seems to want me to save everything and spend like nothing. He's told me that I spend too much (I go out twice a week to food - actually once now because we're out of habit of going to Chinese on Sunday nights) of my paycheck, and should put more of it in the bank. He says spending $2,000 on a trip "for fun" is ridiculous.
And he's spending thousands of dollars remodeling the house for my mother, so she can have a master bathroom with a bathtub. And he's looking at buying income property. And he's spending hundreds of dollars on his other little house projects. He and my mother have committed to zero cash for my college.
My dad, on the other hand, is all for me going to Ireland, saying I'm only 18 once and it would be a crime to pass up on the opportunity.
My dad, on the other hand, has committed to pay whatever is necessary. He actually said he would empty his account to help me get out debt free. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't believe him. He's used sleezy tactics before to get at my mom, and to hurt her, and has hurt me before in the process (not physically, not like beating or anything, but emotional stuff).
The problem is, I can't trust a word he says. (I am crying right now) He's my father, and so I love him, but I don't know if he's trying to help me now or to hurt my mom.
My grandmother has a $49,000 account set aside for me. Mike is trying to get me to go out and get scholarships, "so that money can't be used to control you." That's absolute bullshit, because I get the damn money when I'm 21 anyway, no matter what Grama says, and I have a sneaking suspicion that she's no longer the controlling cuntbag she used to be, and that she'd help me with it. Plus, his not committing to paying anything I perceive as a threat. If I don't do well, he can refuse to pay me a cent. My mom has said it's because she thinks that if she commits to say $10,000, that my dad would in return give only $10,000. Plus, it isn't attached to anything, so I can spend it on a car or something if I wanted, not necessarily college. I've always trusted my mom with my life, but I think she's feeding me bullshit right now, and has no intention of paying me anything. She should just say so.
So basically I'm afraid that my dad might not give me anything because my mom won't give anything (at least, that's what mom has said he would do), and I'm almost dead certain that my mom won't give anything, because she needs to start investing in retirement funds (she has NEVER saved money in her whole goddam life). The only money I have in certainty is the $18,000/year scholarship I qualified for at Elmira, and the $49,000 that my grama has put aside. That leaves, out of let's say $180,000 about $50,000 left for me. That's more than an entire year's salary for a starting teacher, which is what I will be. Oh, and that DOESN'T include grad school, by the way.
But money really isn't the point. I'm afraid that my two father figures are going to have a faceoff, and that I'm going to get crushed in the middle. My mother has never insulted my father before now, but I think she's going on the offensive to try and avoid having to tell me she isn't going to give me a dime. And I have no freaking idea what my dad will do. My dad used to have a lot of respect for my stepdad, but he in an email today responding to one I wrote him about Mike saying I needed to save said that "I used to like the guy." Which hurt, because I love Mike and my dad, and I don't want them to end up polarizing themselves and forcing me to either juggle them and get hurt or choose a side and alienate the other one forever. And get hurt.
I'm so lost and so confused and I'm sure I'm supposed to know a way out, but I don't and I'm extremely depressed over it.
Honestly, you're one of the only things keeping me going. You're such a cool person, and one of a very few I'm blessed to know.
If you've actually read all of this, my heart goes out to you, because I'm sure you're thoroughly depressed right now. I'm sorry for murdering your mood, but I had to say something. I had to tell someone who wasn't going to accidentally tell anyone from Kennebunk that my stepdad's a prick, because he isn't and I don't want those things floating around with my name attached to them, get me?
I can't wait to see you again, and I hope I just haven't killed your day.

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15978653/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15978653/ Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:47:03 PST I've calmed down a little, and am hoping that I will remain such. My school's GSA (of which I am president) needs my energy, as does the Writers' Club's literary magazine, THE ESCAPIST, of which I am coeditor. I need to get my energy and focus back.
But you can never focus when you want, can you? I've spent this entire afternoon and day just farting around - not good, really. I really was hoping classes would get cancelled today because of the weather. They didn't, and I wasn't up for it. Oh well.
I found this little smidgeon of writing on the back of an index card - I con't remember writing it, but it's my handwriting:
With well-oiled cogs the wheel of life turns,
Lubricated,
With the blood of the
Innocent,
Never seeming,
Only living,
Never fearing,
Only dying.
For the sake of a thing called
Peace,
They are sheep,
Herded so,
The Dogs of War penning them
Securely in place with
No hope
Of ever leaving again.
Defenseless
Against more than a physical aggressor and
Lulled
Into delusional complacency
By the legions of consumer colture,
They do not see.
They do not listen,
So they do not hear.
They do not hear,
So they do not know.
They do not know,
So they do not fear.

I think I can call it "Defenseless."
When I was writing it, I was thinking about the American public, who seem too caught up in their next pair of shoes to pay attnetion to politics and the world in general. However, I have come to notice that I was really writing about myself. Consumer culture in this case was embodying another personage: Don Denial. Denial has been a very imporant and costly member of my mental and emotional package for a long time. This time, Denial lulls me into not fearing the dark and inexplicable parts of myself by forcing me to ignore them. Denial is very powerful, and I will edit the Quevedo quote following:
"Poderoso caballero es don Negacion," or Lord Denial is a powerful knight. The quote fits rather ironically into my poem about consumer culture, since the original quote said, "Poderoso caballero es don Dinero," or Money is a powerful knight.
So I think I could also call it El Poderoso Caballero. It means the same to me as anyone reading it objectively.


NONE OTHER THAN ME
I can't see,
The dark cloud,
I can't feel the edges of
The shroud,
Thrown now over my eyes.

So dark!
So hopeless!

There is no crack of light from
The outside,
Just the bear of a drum,
That I recognize to be my heart.
My envelopment is completed.
I bemoan my state thus
Improsoned and defeated,
And cry all the harder when
I deduce, tearfully,
That he who put me here,
Was none other than me.

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15950224/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15950224/ Sat, 15 Dec 2007 20:12:46 PST I hate that, the grinning face and the hand tht stops you short, or defiles or removes a piece of your perfect bliss at the last moment, or from the beginning. However, being weak, human and therefore sentimental, you continue to love, and strive, and search, whatever and no matter the cost.
You comtinue to hope in the impossible. It's what drives you. It hurts you, too, over time, and subjects you to rejection after rejection after rejection. My friend Elise continues to believe that she will end up with her Joey friend, who puts her off again and again and again. Each time she throws her heart at his feet, he declines to pick it up and hold it tenderly. He does not stamp upon it, but simply strokes it for a second, then lets it be. She is torn apart regularly by such treatment.
Another friend spends his time obsessed with a girl who will never go back to him. I myself have problems with an ex-girlfriend who just won't get out of my head. Rejection and rejection, and those terrible questions of why, why am I hurting, why won't they take me? What is it, with me? What is wrong with me? What could I do differently, or better? Is it how I look/act/dress/smell?
I watch people suffer at the hands of this Quixoteism, and feel that in response the only way to live life is to expect the worst, because then you are not surprised when things don't work out, when that thing comes up and you can't see your girlfriend - again -, when the hand attached to that wicked smiling face blocks you from your goals. And my rare triumphs are so much more enjoyable, as they are all surprises.
However, I wonder suddenly, what does that do to my mood, my demeanor, my self esteem? Is it truly healthier than constantly being hurt? Or is this putting up a wall around myself, and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection and loneliness? I pain every time I am rejected in something, whether it be a relationship or an opinion, whether or not I expect it to be rejected. Is expecting it guarding me, or living life in a shadow, covered in armor so heasvy and thick that you can't move with the old energy, can't skip and sing anymore, and can't show people your face, your heart or your soul? Is it healthy?

I look from round the corner,
of shame, expectation,
I look from behind the veil,
of stealth, protection,
I look from under the rock,
of solace in isolation,
I am safe here,
From all subjugation
To hurt and pain,
That comes with a normal station,
It hurts to be here!
The corner is so bare,
I can't have any variation!
The veil is so thick,
It impares my vision!
The rock is so heavy,
It's causing inflamation!

The shadow cast upon
my eyes
from each makes me wonder,
Is it safe to come out,
from round the corner,
from under the rock,
to remove the veil?
If people see my face,
my movements
my body,
Will they strike it as they
Always have?
Will I be safer exposed,
my armor put away,
My cover blown, my face shown,
Than I was entrenched,
hidden,
alone?
Son suenos suenos,
o seran realizaciones,
de lo que pueda
tener lugar?

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15937579/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15937579/ Fri, 14 Dec 2007 22:01:12 PST -Sun Tzu, THE ART OF WAR

The Art of War, Sun Tzu's masterpiece speaking to the generals of the world in which he lived, has applications beyond the field of battle. The Art of War can teach you how to live everyday life, to continue the endless war against all the ills this world is capable of thrusting upon a person so unready for them.

If one knows him or herself, they are readily capable of adapting to a situation that might have other people floundering in a sea of salt water, all sliced up with tiny cuts from the glass of the window they broke to get in. If one knows their enemy, they may more easily defeat him, whatever that enemy may be.

However, while knowing the nature of the enemy can easen his defeat, what of your own state? If you do not know yourself well, how shall it be that you emerge unscathed, as Sun Tzu says you may do should you know both yourself and your enemy. You will not only be able to defeat the enemy confronting you, but will also be able to do it in a way that will not see your struggle become a Pyrrhic victory.

On the other hand, if one knows themselves well, but is ignorant of the nature of their problem, they haven't the slightest idea as to how it should be solved. They may be able to divert themselves from the problem, put it in a box for awhile, but boxes such constructed have barriers that are impermanent; the problem will return. The problem cannot be tackled with ignorance if one hopes to actually overcome it, but also cannot be ignored. It must be solved, and self-knowledge alone is insufficient material.

For those of you who thought only one of these is necessary, let me tell you that in my own personal experience I have spent much time in tht burning oceam of salt water, and have had my body lacerated in many ways. The only way to climb out is both to master the art of swimming - solving the problem whereby I was drowning - and to learn how the pain is dealt with while I strived toward the horizon, with its warm, sandy and veryt dry beaches. I had to master myself to be able to go through the recovery period, and also to master the elements of my despair and confusion, and put them to work for me. In my own case, the salt water eventually helped hold me up.

Confront your problems, knows and love yourself, and you will be victorious in all life's endeavours. Trust me, it is not easy.

The Mirror Image of Despair:

At the core of it all lies a human being, raw and base. Complicate, implicate, interlace, derange and disarrange as you like. Cast off the mask, look between the lines of what you take for granted: into your sight comes a heartbreaking expression upon a face of disrepair - your mirror image of despair.
As the shroud of life falls, to us appear confusion, elusion and apprehension, an apperception of chaos, an epic battle of ardent feeling before the archons of the heart. For the maladroit architect of your cosmetic, fantasized existence you need only look into a mirror; you need no more exploration than your own pain-faced reflection.
We know why you did it.
The manacle of guilt, malformity and reality, the mantle of life's trials carries a heavy weight on a scarred countenance striving for peace of self and self-reliance.
So you hid your face from your own eyes, like seeing it would make it worse. You put on the mask of consumer culture and of the frightened hunted. It took you years to finally realize you were completely covered up in subconscious mental makeup.
Scrutiny is the only solution. A predicament ignored and concealed rots, and duct tape psychology only places the problem on the conveyorbelt of despondency, easily mass produced to create the immense edifice of tribulation and solace.
Your foundation can't hope to compete, can't hope to hold up the weight that hides your eyes forever from the mirror image of despair.

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15920510/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15920510/ Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:37:48 PST You see, what makes this world so large is the smallness of time; we put ourselves to tight schedules and very little rest, and what we achieve from that is stress and an ever-diminishing supply of free time. I am appalled, truly, when I think of the time we waste every day trying to do everything.
In today's world, an hour shouldn't be that long a time. That's how long it takes me to drive up to where my (now ex-) girlfriend lives. A major cause of why we seperated was the distance between us. It just got too tiring that something came up again and again on one end or the other, and we couldn't see each other that weekend. The hour it would take to drive up to see her, or in truth even the half hour it would take to meet her half-way (thereby creating an hour-long round trip) should have been manageable once and a while. It wasn't. Ever. An hour is made thus a ridiculous amount of time to be spending doing anything that you're not really supposed to be doing.
The limitations we put on ourselves prevent the shrinking of this wonderful world, and coninue to push its wonders and experiences away. Think of what we could do if we took the edge off our ridiculously busy lives to spend an evening once a week (during the week) doing somehting we wanted. How bliss would that be? The answer is that it would be too bliss - it would destroy the very fabric of our lives in this moving society.
We are moving too fast, and that makes distances we have before us even longer. Distance is recently the bane of my existence thus, and therefore I curse the fast-paced world in which we live. The world has ceased to be about anything more than a race to see how much one can accomplish within twenty-four hours.
The Cauldron:
Everyone's out of reach.
Why now I beseech?
Wasn't it yesterday,
I could go down the street and play?
Wasn't it last week,
When of mud I could reek,
And of cares I had none?
Oh, how those days are done!
Now one lives their life,
With stress and hurry rife,
Little time is alotted,
For those with whom one's besotted,
Or for the simple things.
Time flies away on devil's wings,
leaving such a shadow in its wake,
Oh help me, for goodness sake!
I am trapped in a world of hurt,
Autocatalytic critics, so curt,
The neverneding motion,
And no love potion;
Of all the pain,
and all the blood upon the plain;
Of hate and sorrow,
How am I to live to tomorrow?
When the world turns on such a gear,
Deaf the world is to hear,
The grinding of the machine,
Unoiled, it makes such a keane,
As to drive a steak into a heart,
And it seems to be missing a part;
Of metal this part is fabricated,
Never will its hunger be sated,
As it travels the world in a blur,
Looking for more souls to stir,
Into the cauldron.

Nothing can be done right completely. There's always a flaw, and even the best thing in the world can have a bite like a crocodile.

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15906829/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15906829/ Wed, 12 Dec 2007 17:05:34 PST
Our school opens at 8:55 on Wednesday mornings, and every week myself and my friends Tia and Elise go there to catch up. Tia graduated last year and goes to USM, so Wednesday mornings are really the only time I get to see her anymore. We started this tradition, Tia and I, last year. At the time it was the two of us, plus David and Sida. Since then David has gone on to YCCC and has class Wednesday mornings, and Sida has moved down to York, more than a half hour away.

Those weekly forays to that cozy little place off the center of town always make my day a good one – it has to be the best breakfast I eat all week, plus I get to see Tia. We sit there over coffee, eggs, toast and crepes and talk about our thoughts, theories, loves and regrets. I feel so close to them – my big and my little sister.

Once and a while David manages to make it over – on both these occasions he brought his girlfriend Chelsea with him. They’re the couple everyone envies, the one everyone wants to be. I love all these people so much, I don’t know what I’d do without them.

So what am I going to do in college? I’ve recently been accepted early decision to Elmira – that’s right. Elmira. In New York. I am going to have to leave this town I grew up in, these people I love, and my routine that keeps me secure and comfortable. This makes me very sad, and very scared.

What am I supposed to do, with friends so close I would call them family, and now I’m leaving, to a new and strange world called Colllege. I’ll never be able to come to those Wednesday breakfasts again. Elise is moving out to California when she has the money, and Tia is going to live in Portland. Sida will still be in York.

They always say you make your lifelong friends in college. I’ve always said, “no, I’ll know these people forever.” Now, I am starting to worry – are those people right? That day I don the Elmira College beanie, am I really and truly leaping out of my safe, nurturing, secure world for a completely different life? Will I never see these people again after that day? Will I forget about them as I get acclimated at Elmira, make new friends, move on? More important – will they forget about me? That question most of all worries me. I have never been a secure person, and I worry about this sort of thing everyday.

One would think that now, going to college as I am, that I’d have gotten over such puerile worries. But I haven’t, and that above all makes me dread that seven-hour drive to Elmira, NY, on August 27. It’s an incredible journey, but never again will I be truly homeward bound.

I am the shadow,
The shadow of someone else’s
Former
Glory, someone else’s
Former
Tear-stained glory.

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15894720/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15894720/ Tue, 11 Dec 2007 18:52:10 PST My friend Elise finally was having a good day of her own, and that kinna fed my plain old good feeling, you know the warm fuzzy part. It's cool, when everything seems to be working.
It was weird, though, this morning everything seemed to be bothering me. But then everything just got better from there.
From darkness, a fire shall spring, I guess....
I am IN LOVE, by the way. Everything is so perfect right now, all I need is a big giant bump back to reality. But I'll take right now and keep it for as long as I can, please. But, always remember your Calderon; "suenos suenos son," that's why we have writing, to remind us of the good times and to pour our soul blood out when we need to.
So I wrote about it.
MOMENTS I HOPE FOR
Moments I hope for,
So few, so rare,
Keep me floating up,
Oh lighter than air.
I see the air whispering,
Soft, I want to breathe.
I want to be carried by it,
Calm and naive.
I wonder if this state
Of mind, so fair and bliss
Will continue as it has,
These times I shall miss.
For I know, deep down,
In the depths of my heart,
That we can't smile forever -
That's why we have art.
Therapy, enchantment,
Or memory,
Its uses are abound,
Whatever they may be.
When everything seems bright,
Don't forget to remember,
It is heaven to write,
And recall in cold, hardNovember,
The happy days you had,
So few and far between,
Like Christmas and Easter,
And good old Haloween.
Don't forget, despair,
It will always be there.
If you remember to write it down,
It will ever slacken your frown.

How lame is that? That's the first genuinely happy piece I've written in a VERY long time.
I got some Christmas shopping done as well; that always puts a smile on my face, until I look at the bill lol.
I'll just leave you today with something I read today: "People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even realize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child - our own two eyes. All is a miracle." - by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Chifidh me tu (I'll see you).

]]> ~riainirishboy http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15878914/ http://riainirishboy.deviantart.com/journal/15878914/ Mon, 10 Dec 2007 15:13:49 PST Regrets…
I’m sorry I couldn’t help you,
I’m sorry I never gave you a real Hello,
I’m sorry I just stood there,
Intolerable,
I’m sorry the world is so horrible,
I’m sorry you weren’t white,
I’m sorry you had to fight,
I’m sorry that you trusted God to help you
and save you,
He let you die,
I’m sorry for never telling you a decent
thank you or goodbye.

I realized that it meant a lot to me, as well as to the character - you will have to read the piece "Memories to Haunt for a Lifetime" to get it, mind you, but it meant a lot to me as well. I've a few stories inspired by the combination of Saint Jimmy (of Green Day) and the American Jesus (a Bad Religion concept and song), and this is part of one of them.

Cheers,
~Riain King of Rivers

]]> ~riainirishboy