http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:saphrimangel&section=today deviantART RSS for by:saphrimangel en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:33:19 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/22452080/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/22452080/ Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:00:28 PST
I wasn't entirely sure why, but I had an inkling it was because I told her I'd visit her at work, but never did.

Friday, however, she happened to be working while I was in the mall. So I stopped in to say "hi."

We all know how these converstations go. The usual, "hey, how ya doin. sorry I haven't visited, I've been busy." blah blah blah. Well we ended up at the inevitable, "whatcha doin this weekend?"

Turns out we both had nothing to do, so the decision was made to go see Stillglow play
in Towson.

We went. It was incredible. This band played before stillglow, and they were incredible. I'll put a link to em up here sometime.

Anyways. The band after Stillglow was kind of... well, shitty. So Sabrina offered the suggestion of leaving. This sounded good.

Earlier in the night she had commented about how she'd never had Sonic. I decided this simply would not do. So we agreed to find a Sonic that night before we went home.

I consider myself fairly knowledgeable when it comes to southern PA and the surrounding areas, but this was disproven when we found that there was no Sonic in York, after about an hour of driving. So after Googling a b
it on my phone, I discovered there was one in Lancaster, about an hour and a half away, that closed in about an hour and a half.

Off we go. Driving east to Lancaster in search of some yankee sonic-y goodness, talking all the while about random experiences and listening to Grease soundtrack songs on the radio. (so good)

Upon finding an exit to Lancaster, I figured it was best to get off, lest we drive past Lancaster completely. This exit apparently took us into historic downtown Lancaster, which is not the same as regular downtown Lancaster.

Driving past the Lancaster County Correction Facility gave us our first clue that we were not in the right place. By the way, this place looks like a freaking castle. Ramparts and all. Just... freakin crazy.

So yeah. A few wrong turns and a Google inquiry later, we were back on track. We tried to ignore the clock, hoping that we'd run across our destination before the clock struck 12.

Then, over the asphalt horizon, it comes up. That sign...
If you've never seen this come up over the hill like that, you won't understand. We drove into the driveup slot with literally two minutes and thirty seconds to spare. The timing could not have been more perfect.


Sabrina, our latest Sonic virgin, gets a little shiver up her spine, "Man, I'm really gettin excited now."

Words cannot really express the enthusiasm and excitement I felt at this time. I forgot to unbuckle my seatbelt as I lept out of the car to order, almost making a fool of myself, recovered, and very happily ordered us two medium cherry limeades, two medium tots, and two Sonic bacon cheeseburgers.

And then, it was time. I watched on anxiously as Sabrina took her first bites of the Sonic goodness... And rejoiced with her as she went on and on about how good everything was.

Our drive back to the 301 was contentedly filled with converstation of past relationships, family dinner table stories, and brief encounters with unsavory and slightly rude gas station attendants.


As we finally passed Gettysburg and crossed into the beautiful (and much better paved) Old Line State, Sabrina started to get a little sleepy. I was well past my giddy stage of tiredness and started making 4 year old comments, and she was laughing, and it was overall a good time.

That was pretty much the extent of the adventure.

We really need more of this type of thing, yall.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/22337535/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/22337535/ Thu, 01 Jan 2009 16:50:20 PST
And I did laundry.

New machines always freak me out, because I love to learn them but it scares the crap out of me when I do something wrong.

So I put my two shirts, two pairs of pants, and my hoodie in this new piece of space age machinery, and hit start. Finding the start button amidst the sea of controls was hard enough, but being lost in my amazement of the features it includes, I forgot to put soap in the tray.

So about 3 minutes into the 35 minute cycle, I realized my mistake, and hit the stop button.

Stop on this machine is apparently not stop. It's pause. Go figure, right? I drop the soap in, and hit start again, and it spits more water into the barrel, but only for a few seconds, not the full minute or so that it's supposed to.

Again, I realized my error, and pressed and held the stop button, like you are obviously supposed to to actually stop the devil machine.

Start over...

As I've said, I'm always curious when I get a new machine of some sort. I want to know it's basic workings and how it's cycles work and such. So I decided to sit and watch the load of laundry, to figure out aproximately when it goes from wash to rinse to spin and such.

Yes. I sat and watched all 35 minutes of the cycle. With the last minute remaining being about 4 minutes long in itself. Then it buzzed, telling me it was completely done with everything it was supposed to do.

Not so. There was still soap permeating my 5 articles of clothing, and this simply will not do.

I set it to the rinse/spin cycle, logically thinking that if the brilliant machine forgot to rinse the last 5 minutes like it was supposed to, it would simply add that part of the cycle once I hit start on the rinse/spin cycle.

21 minutes. It's going to take another 21 minutes for the god forsaken washing machine to rinse and spin my clothes. A hoodie, two shirts, and two pairs of pants. 21 minutes.

Go figure.



The moral of the story is, don't trust your brand new, 2009 model space age washing machine to wait until you put the soap in before it starts its stuff.

It will always let you down.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/22131392/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/22131392/ Mon, 22 Dec 2008 22:18:38 PST
Eva met me in Frederick and we walked downtown for about 3 hours.

It was cold as balls. But an adventure nonetheless.

I'm lazy so I'm not posting any of the pics right now. Plus I gotta develop some film.

But I'm just gonna say it was a blast. And props to Eva for braving the cold with me.



.... yeah... that's all for now... not really in the mood to write...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/21874722/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/21874722/ Sun, 07 Dec 2008 23:59:23 PST
Dinner at Applebees with my 30% off coupon.

At least, that's all it was supposed to be...

The night started when Dan (Haight), rockin his new stache, decided he needed to relieve himself after a glass of chocolate milk and three cups of coffee, and went to the little boy's room.
Chris (Perry) decided he might need some help, and followed him in.

Now, Chris likes to be close to the men in his life, so he followed Dan into the bathroom stall. This must have alarmed and maybe even slightly frightened Dan, because he jumped over the stall door to get away from Chris. In doing so, he caught his ring finger on the top of the door, and tore the skin from the bottom of his finger. His ring also caught on the door, and tore the rest of the skin up to his knuckle.

They both emerged from the restroom, Dan holding his finger wrapped in a bloody paper towl.

After paying our bill and emerging from the restaraunt, bro hugs were exchanged and Dan tossed me his keys, simply stating, "To the hospital."

We drove to the E.R. and the checkin nurse asked Dan what happened, so he just said he caught his finger on a stall, not wanting to explain that a young boy followed him into the bathroom to do God knows what.

Corey and I waited for the staff to hand us our security passes and ventured into the heart of the hospital, finally finding Dan sitting on a chair while the nurse gave him that "you did what?" look as he finished telling his story.

We three sat and marveled at the brutalness of his wound for scores of minutes before two of the nurses began taking the Electric Ring Cutter out to cut the ring off of Dan's finger, which was beginning to turn blue from his wedding ring cutting off his curculation.

They unpacked the box and began handling the pieces of the tool like two five year olds examining a voodoo set for the first time. Remarks like, "That looks right" and "I think that would work" drifted across the room to our concerned faces.

They finally looked at us, amused and slightly embarrassed, and went to look for a senior nurse who knew slightly more than them.
Nurse Amy came in, face aglow with experience, and explained to them that the professional equpiment that the hospital had spent hundreds of dollars on would not work on Dan's finger, and requested they go find a Dremel tool in one of the doctors' lockers.

They returned with the tool, and Dan realized out loud, "Hey, that's the same tool I use when I'm repairing guitars..."
After debating amongst themselve, the now four nurses, plus Nurse Amy, decided to try with the professional piece of equipment to cut off Dan's ring.

This did not work. So they all looked at the Dremel sitting on the table, then glanced at each other, and began to go to work.

Take 1: Dan's ring started to heat up and burn his finger, so Nurse Amy instructed one of the nurses to get the saline solution.
Take 2: Dan holds the saline saringe and doused the ring to keep it at a comfortable temperature.

Two cuts later, two nurses held clamps on Dan's ring, prying it from his finger.

Gause, hydrogen peroxide, and a touch of vaseline later, Dan's finger is all bandaged up, and Liz can sleep well, knowing her husband still has his finger.


I love how our bro nights can't stay simple.


Credits:
Thank you to Chris for making a nice, boring dinner exciting.
Thanks to Nurse Amy for relieving our fears of Dan losing his finger
Thanks to Dan for being such a good boy and not cursing at all while his finger was being all but ripped from his hand.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/21024465/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/21024465/ Thu, 16 Oct 2008 22:15:07 PDT
i don't like either candidate. i dislike one alot more than the other, but in general, i really just don't have good feelings about either.

but aside from the usual "political argument" stuff, what bugs me the most about this is how divided things are. and i'm not talking about polls, i'm talking about my relationships. it seems whether or not i agree with obama is a breaker in some of my relationships. and it breaks my heart.

yes, i understand why you people want to vote for him. no, i do not agree. i don't agree because i believe certain things and what he stands for flies in the face of those things i believe.

hate me for it, get angry, but i will not budge. i believe these things because i believe it when my god says them. i believe these things because the facts back them up.

there are many reasons for it, but the point is, that's just too much for ya'll to get around. the fact that i believe that the government does too much already and that making it bigger will just add to the problem seems to be more important than whether or not i love you guys. if that frustrates you so much that it's hard for you to talk to me, then how do you expect us to have a relationship.

ya'll know who you are if you're reading this. i'm just sick in my heart when you throw yourself headlong into supporting obama or "getting the vote out" or defending palin with your dying breath, yet you won't examine your own hearts and see that your life is spinning out of control. god is knocking at the door but you're all so busy with your "causes" and "passions" that you can't even hear.

i say, let it all go. believe what you believe, but be able to back it up with the word of god and, somewhat less importantly, the facts. if something is false or ungodly, i will tell you. if you insist on it getting in the way of our relationship, i cannot help that.


my heart is to see each of you come to a place where none of it matters. where all that matters is loving daddy. it seems that everyone is picking sides in the damn election and i can't wait til it's fucking over. it hurts me to my innermost being that the "issues" are more important than the heart.

i'm not saying voting isn't important, and i'm not necessarily saying it is. because i honestly don't know right now.

what i am saying is that, for any of our relationships to work, politics can't be such a huge issue that it makes or breaks it. neither can anything else be.


i'm kinda done with this rant... but i feel like it hasn't set in with any of you... and i don't know that it will. so i'll pray for ya'll. and please seek god on this, because you're more passionate about your country than you are your god. and that's dangerous ground. patriotism is good, but not above relationship and service to the god who allowed this country to exist.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/19385728/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/19385728/ Mon, 14 Jul 2008 07:37:36 PDT
Or is it the mark of people who are different?

Is an insane idea something for me to run from? Or is it a thing that may make so little sense to the world because it's brilliant?

Albert Einstein's teachers in elementary school told him he was stupid and would never amount to anything. Galileo was considered a heretic...

If we didn't have psychotic people, would society advance at all? What if all the great thinkers adhered to what the rest of the world defined as "normal?" Would we still be at war with Nazi Germany and the Japan Empire? Would we have ever developed space travel? Would the Wright Brothers have ever gotten the inspiration to build a flying machine? Would Handel or Beethoven have ever written what we consider now to be masterpieces?

...

I'm just trying to cast an insane idea in a true light. Will giving a year of my life to this crazy idea be worth... whatever? Or is this truly just another insane idea that won't amount to anything?

Well, the idea of an electric lamp was crazy. The idea of a horseless carriage was crazy. People said the idea of a personal computer for everyone in America was crazy. Hell, the idea that world was round was a pretty crazy idea when people first started suggesting it. More than a few people were burned at the stake or boiled to death for ideas like that...


Eh.. I guess only time will tell. Adventure awaits, and insanity, it seems, is more often than not proved to be brilliance.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/19299221/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/19299221/ Wed, 09 Jul 2008 19:59:25 PDT
It's an old winery across the street from the bay on Lake Erie in Sandusky, Ohio. We walk down the steps to The Underground Bar as Nick comments, "Careful. The steps are always wet." A room with 3 billiards tables is on the left as we walk into the main bar. Again Nick hits us up with some useful information, "If you wanna shit, use the women's room. The guy's is clean now but it won't stay that way."

We walk towards the stage with a more than decent sound system and a fantastic lighting system. "Fuck, I left the stripper poles up. You guys can use em if you want or take em down. Doesn't make a difference to me." Nick is unapologetic about his presentation of his bar, even after he introduces us as "Christian Hardcore" to some early patrons.

Smoke now fills the room as I sit at the merch table typing this. People have already started getting drunk as Rob Zombie, The Used, and System of a Down blare over the house speakers. I keep thinking to myself, "We've been here before. We'll be here again. All we have to do is play the music."

This is the epitome of outreach. A bunch of 17 and 20 year old kids in a christian band on tour for 3 weeks playing in a shady Ohio strip club to 30 and 40 somethings here for Kevin or whoever's birthday.

To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Since leaving Cornerstone with Aneirin on Sunday, I've been more in touch with what God's called me to than ever before.

To be in a van, sleeping in Wal-Mart parking lots, stealing internet from Panera, running into random a girl at a laundromat/coffee shop who just happen to be vocalist/guitarists with a huge heart for the lord, and running into a sixty year old ex-minister trying to keep his haven venue for teens afloat, asking for spare change at Wal-Mart and the Theater so we can put an extra gallon of gas in the van...

This trip is incredible. I've seen more lives touched and more of God working in our hearts in the past 4 days than I have in months. To be on the verge of being stranded in a small town like Sawyer, Michigan every single night is invigorating. Depending on God to give us the 7 dollars we got at Wal-Mart last night is incredibly encouraging and faith-building.
[link]
Your Journal

And something happened earlier today while we were sitting in the van waiting for 8 o'clock to roll around so we could head to the venue... I realized I still miss a girl. So much so that it hurts to face it and get over it. But Daddy also told me that he'll comfort me while I face it.

So how easy is it to get over a lost love on my own? Near impossible. How simple is it to go on tour, run out of money, play in a strip club, and say, "No worries," without trusting in a God who loves us despite our arguments and homosexual jokes?

The more I live, the more I realize that I am nothing without my God. That even the seemingly simple things that happen in my life are nearly impossible to face on my own, but no matter how much of a screw-up I am, that God will love me unconditionally and totally, and will always be there for me to lean on.

In return, I'll sit in this bar and smile at all the half-drunk old biker dudes who think it's cool that a group of teenagers has the guts to rock out in a bar with them. Maybe someone will ask me what gives me the guts to do it with my boys. Maybe I'll get the chance to say something about how my life would be over were it not for my god.

Or maybe I'll have a conversation with someone about the weather or the economy or how much it hurts to get over an ex.

Whatever happens, I'll stand here and be a light in the darkness for my god. I'll be what little voice there is in the crowd yelling for itself.

Maybe someone will be touched. But I'll at least have payed my dues by giving all of my life to Him to use.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18707621/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18707621/ Sat, 07 Jun 2008 02:24:55 PDT
What does that all entail? What does it require of me? This passion isn't something to be taken lightly...

Today I was at the Gianni's and they have a robin's nest in the roof of their carport. A little birdie fell out and I noticed it on the ground behind Dan.

We all thought it was cute and started taking pictures of it. But soon enough its mother came back and started walking along the ground away from the gaggle of humans gaping at the small package of beauty that had fallen the short distance from the heavens.

What I saw wasn't the beauty of nature, but the reflection of love and care. The mother bird's first instinct was to get her baby away from these strange things making big noises all around her.


If these little creatures are hard-wired to care for what's been entrusted to them, how much more are we required to do the same? This little flame inside my soul is more in danger now than ever of being snuffed out. And it's hard to light a flame in a hurricane.

Music is this passion. Service is what it requires of me. One of these things come naturally to me. The other... well, it's not the first thing I think about most of the time.

But it's now required of me. Passion is a gift. It's something I've been entrusted with to fan it and shelter it until it's full grown and enables me to pass it to others.



It's not something easily received; it's hard to find, and it's not easy to keep. But it's all I have right now, so I'm going to fight tooth and nail to keep this little flame from the wind and rain of the storm raging outside.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18601523/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18601523/ Sat, 31 May 2008 22:42:02 PDT
And now, I'm home. It feels right this time. Safe. Fulfilling. I'm happy here.

This could be the last summer all of us are in the state at the same time. So Dan and I have decreed that bonfires, acoustic shows, trips to the beach, and random invasions of the Giannis' pool are in effect for the remainder of the summer.

And I couldn't be more excited about it.


So this is going to be the summer they'll be talking about for years to come.

It has been decreed.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18372809/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18372809/ Sat, 17 May 2008 20:09:11 PDT
I thought I would have a pretty quiet week with my grandparents, recovering a few months of lost sleep.

Fortunately, Erin was determined to make my week as exciting as possible.

I jokingly suggested that she drive up to St Louis to visit me for the weekend, and I'm not quite sure what was in her bloodstream, but she found that the greatest idea in the world.

Tuesday night, as I was going to sleep, I received a text message saying, "See you tomorrow!" I found this idea awesome. Unrealistic and unlikely, but awesome nonetheless.

I woke up early Wednesday to visit the school my grandma teaches at, and got another text around 11 in the am, "Welcome to Kentucky!" This slightly surprised me. It also started a rough mental countdown in my brain until her arrival. Which arrived around 3 that afternoon.



We spent a good while deciding what our next adventure would be, deciding finally upon an adventure in photography: the sunrise at the Gateway Arch in St Louis.

Weather, however, had different ideas. Clouds dominated the sky for most of the night and into the next day. So we took a detour and went to the bookstore outlet at Warrenton Outlets.

Once 8 o'clock rolled around though, the sun was out and we were eager to get on the road. And that we did.

The hour long drive into the city was dominated by the anticipation of seeing the skyline rise out of the night. It finally came, and we immediately started searching for our perfect vantage point of the city. This turned out to be a time-consuming task.

We saw all the parts of St Louis I didn’t really wanna see. Driving almost all the way around the city, we came upon a street that suddenly darkened and were surrounded by abandoned warehouses and train tracks. Taking a left, we started to drive down a road that was between a concrete wall and the Mississippi river on the right.

Honestly, I didn’t really know where anything is in this town. So I had no clue that the arch was about 30 seconds in front of us. But sure enough, there it was. Big and silver and bold, the Gateway to the West.

But silly me, I saw the no parking signs and decided to show off my directional skills to Erin, and ended up taking a 15 minute detour back around the whole city. I’m so smart.



But finally, we parked in front of the steps that lead up to the arch and began our ascent to photographic glory. And after a short moment contemplating our victory and looking over the second largest river in the world, we began an hour and a half long photo shoot that included the Arch, the old capitol building, traffic, and big ole tugboats on the water. Laying in the mud, being stared at by drivers, and ultimately getting run off the grounds by security guards were the highlights of the shoot, along with our perfect timing. As we were leaving, two tour buses full of highschoolers emptied themselves onto our park.

So we left. And on the way back we spotted a fantastic gothic church, and made a quick pitstop to document the discovery.

The rest of the night was composed of Jack Johnson, Wes Anderson movies, and the wonderfully distracting sounds of the noise machine in my room. It provided hours of fun.

Erin left me Friday afternoon, and again sent me victory texts at every milestone of the return trip. Upon arrival, we both decided that our adventures are too few and far between.


So this is the first of many adventures Erin and I are likely to take.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18266231/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18266231/ Sun, 11 May 2008 01:20:24 PDT
I never really understood why we had a "special day" for moms. I mean, I know my mom knows I love and appreciate her. I never quite understood those "special days" we put on our calendar. Mostly because I try to think about the things they're to remind us of every day.

But once again, nostalgia snuck up on me tonight. And once again, it came at a new angle.

I had one of those things where I just saw my Mom's face, and behind it were all the things she's ever done for me and said for me.... she used to sew me and my brother costumes so we could play Indiana Jones or Star Wars or whatever we wanted. She always used to make sure we had everything we needed when we went to spend the night with Luke or our cousins.

It's the little things I think that show a mother's love. No matter how big she tries to say it or show it, it'll always be the little things that I see.


I don't know if she'll read this, but to anyone who does, I want you to know. I love my mommy. I know she loves me and I know I suck at showing it, but I really, really do.

So because I'm so cool, I'm making a decree:

Love your mother today. I don't care what you do. Give her a hug. Make her brownies. Pick her some flowers from her garden. You wouldn't have life if it weren't for your mom.

But I've heard it so many times... "You don't know my mom" blah blah blah.

The fact is she loves you. She may suck at showing it as much as I do, but she loves you. And you love her too. Even if you have to dig for it.

But if you don't, all the better. Just do something simple for your mom today. Because they deserve our very best. Even if it's just for a second.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18126388/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18126388/ Fri, 02 May 2008 00:45:50 PDT
I feel like the past few months have been the verses and individual words in my story. Like everything that's happened has been storing itself up in my heart, not letting me in on what they really mean. Heartbreak and panic and love and pain all writing a poem that makes no sense until the end of the stanza.

It seems to me that this chapter is over. Now begins the a new part of my life.

I don't know how to explain it. I guess we'll all just have to watch.




I feel free somehow...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18108991/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/18108991/ Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:51:26 PDT
It's one of those days that, when you a kid, seemed like it would never end. It seems like a little less of an eternity now that I'm older, but it's still dragging on.

You know what I'm talking about. That day where you wake up feeling like someone has pumped liquid rubber into your sinuses. Like your head is going to collapse in on itself if the smallest stream of light seeps through the curtains.

Everything seems to take forever. The water is cold for longer than usual as you warm up the shower. The toothpaste falls off your toothbrush. You stumble through your clothes as if pushing your way through a patch of thorns. Even making your lunch (yes, it's lunch. you haven't woken up until around 3 in the afternoon), it takes way too much time to make. And while the water is taking 20 minutes to boil, your stomach is yelling louder and louder at you to feed it. So by the time you finally eat, your body wants enough for 3 people.

Yeah... these days are shit... and it's just like everything else that could possibly go wrong goes wrong. It's like, the universe conspires with itself to kick you while you're down.



And I just wish it would end. But the day goes on still. I've changed, I'm snuggled up under the blankets (yes I said snuggled), my brain is telling me to sleep. But. There's always that "but" when you're sick. You can't. You're so miserable that you can't shut your system down to do the simplest thing the human body can do. Sleep.




My head now feels like it weighs 52 pounds. It feels like it's full of molten lead. And all I want is to sleep so I don't have to deal with it anymore.

But I'm not stupid. I know tomorrow will probably be worse. As a kid, falling asleep at the end of a sick day is one of the most comforting things in life. However, waking up the next day is equally uncomfortable.

So. I'm going to attempt sleep. And probably wake up in the morning feeling twice as bad.



Here goes.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17951446/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17951446/ Sun, 20 Apr 2008 22:49:12 PDT
Perhaps I’m only projecting my heartbreak onto the circumstances I currently find myself in. Maybe things are only as bad as I perceive them?

Today I had this feeling that I could do anything I wanted. It lasted only a short moment, but I felt that if I could carry that moment in my pocket, maybe it would last long enough or I could collect enough of them to last until I accomplish something great. Because that’s what I’ve decided. I’m going to do something great. I don’t know what yet, I just know it’s going to be something. Maybe it will be a small something great, but it will be great nonetheless.

Unfortunately, that do-anything-moment only lasted that short moment. It was overshadowed by the rest of the moments that make up my current life. Heartbreak and abandonment, all but empty pockets (financially), both physical and emotional distance from my brothers and sisters. All of these things seem to create this impassable channel of endless misfortune rushing past me like some typhoon-driven wave, washing out all my ports of harbour.

But, again, is it just what I perceive? Is my heart held together by these cloths only because I choose to let it be? Am I forever away from my family because I let myself get here? Am I just this side of destitute simply because I’m not working hard enough?

I find it hard to answer these questions because I know the answers already. I’ve been lying on the ground letting my heart get crushed with a sledgehammer, because it’s all I know how to do. It’s what love demands of me. My sisters and brothers are so far from me because I’m taking these steps as well as I know how, and they keep taking me farther away.



I guess the overall question is this: Could things be any different than the way they are?



I find that question somewhere in the realm of permanently unanswerable. Could I have possibly done things any different? If I had, would things be a different kind of bad? Would every choice I could have made have ended up in the same bed with heartbreak and loneliness?

I wonder if, while we always choose our own past, God will always teach us the same lesson we need to learn, no matter the road we take. If we need to learn the importance of wearing sandals, will every road we take inevitably end up taking us to a path of razor sharp rocks?

If this is my own choice, could I have avoided any of this? Or would I eventually have come across these lessons I need so desperately to learn?



So do I really choose the path I take? How I feel? How circumstances affect me? What lessons I learn?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.



If perhaps, then do I choose when it’s over?

I think that’s what I hope for most.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17699890/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17699890/ Sat, 05 Apr 2008 13:38:46 PDT
... probably...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17532874/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17532874/ Wed, 26 Mar 2008 21:17:34 PDT
At the risk of sounding really, extraordinarily, ghey, my lane is laid with gold bricks and winding through meadows of sunflowers and rainbows...

Ok, well, maybe not the rainbows. But it's pretty sunny compared to it's usual grey skies and dirt paths...

I was looking at pictures of my best friend and his girl, and i started thinking about all the crazy things we did growing up.

Launching GI Joes on our model rockets. Hiking for 5+ hours in the woods and being totally paranoid about tics. Spying on the neighbors during our "all night special ops." Building the world's worst bike ramps (and improving them over the years). Running around like maniacs and skydiving out of the van after school...

I think about these things and all of a sudden my entire childhood unfolds before me like a vision of the future. Like everything that's ever happened, every experience i've ever had is right there in front of me, just begging me to relive it.

I remember things that were long forgotten. People that i met once, but oh what a once. What i really thought about people, but never told them. I want to hunt them down now and tell them how i really feel about them. people i've known all my life and never told them how important they are to me. people who've been right there all along and yet never close to me.



I dunno... just happy memories...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17395667/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17395667/ Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:43:50 PDT
]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17350575/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17350575/ Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:46:10 PDT


So that went well.

Well, not really. I'm single now. For how long, no one can say, though. Because I think it's better it ended. Now we can start over.

Which is what we need...

So yeah. I don't know why I'm even doing an entry... I thought that title was witty and sarcastic so I put it up...




But yeah. I've just got alot of work ahead of me. Even more than I deserve to have. Which is, I'll admit myself, alot. I've screwed up alot and I should pay for it.

But not all of it.



I dunno...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17308933/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17308933/ Wed, 12 Mar 2008 21:40:04 PDT
is it because i'm scared she might run? throw it in my face?

but truth is truth. you can't run from that. your can't argue it. facts are facts and when you're the one who's lived them, you have nothing to be unsure about.

but somehow i can't bring myself to totally believe and understand that.... and it's driving me insane...


this weekend couldn't come soon enough...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17294961/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17294961/ Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:57:35 PDT
Growing up, I remember everyone dreading the words "Authority" and "Submission." Today, we listened to this lady who had an interesting take on it... She basically said that anything that isn't from God isn't really power or authority. Anyone who misuses the authority that God has placed in mankind, that person is not from god.

Then she made an interesting point. From the beginning, Lucifer has been trying to get power. That's the reason he fell (which, interestingly enough, the word fall in reference to Lucifer literally means to fall out of authority). He's been trying to get it from the very beginning. And when Eve and Adam submitted to the serpent's lies, he received their power.

But, of course, Christ won it back. And now the only way satan has power is when we give it to him.

Lucifer even tempted Jesus. When he told Him to bow before him and worship him, offering Jesus all the kingdoms of earth, he was still trying to get power.


Point is, Lucifer and his minions have no power over me because I am a new creation. I am born again. I no longer have a sin nature because my flesh is dead and my spirit is alive. Anything the accuser could possibly bring against me is already null and void before it leaves his lips because he has no authority. No power. No influence in my life.




Simple concept. It's amazing how we as humans forget those things. If any spirit comes against me, the only reason they have [the illusion of] authority is because I haven't yet told them they don't. Spirits cannot argue with me when I tell them they have no authority, because I wear the mantle of Yahweh and they recognize the blood of the covenant I have cut before I Am.

It's irrefutable.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17243916/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17243916/ Sat, 08 Mar 2008 17:51:28 PST
figures...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17232164/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17232164/ Fri, 07 Mar 2008 22:11:58 PST
]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17148786/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/17148786/ Sun, 02 Mar 2008 12:27:39 PST
cute little red thing... we could barely sit in it on the way up to sioux falls, sd.

everything runs fine. but then there was a squealing sound and the smell of burning rubber. i pull over to the side of the road, and after a half hour or so on the phone with my dad, i assume that the timing belt is shot.

we call the tow guy in Perry, OK and he comes out to pick us up where we are 4 miles out of town.

Red. Neck.

So, we get towed into town, dropped off at the worst dump of a hotel i've ever seen, and drop the car off at the "garage.

as the two truck driver was dropping me off at the room, i sarcastically commented, "good to be in perry." to which he quickly replied, "perry sucks."




so. we get to the motel room. i slept in my clothes last night.

this place is shit. and we're stuck here til monday, cuz like any good midwestern town, perry is closed on sunday.




so yeah. we're pretty much broke too, so we have nothing to do but sit in this godforsaken place til tomorrow morning. my cockroach friends will have to share their home with me a little while longer............




everyone pray i don't go crazy and turn into one of those serial killers all good horror films are made of........... cuz i feel like a psycho.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/16725905/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/16725905/ Mon, 04 Feb 2008 15:45:11 PST
Sunny Monday afternoon. Sixty-five and just cloudy enough for those white puffs to make pretty designs all across the sky. You open up the windows and let the soft breeze waft through the house with the scents of pre-spring...

God, I hate days like today... I can go anywhere in Dallas and it would be beautiful, but still, I feel trapped. Like life has got me by it's horns and won't stop running towards me.

Days like today are so chock full of nostalgia it's almost stifling. It hurts to breathe because I'm breathing my own ancient childhood fumes of ignorance. I want to let it go but it invades my senses and won't stop filling my lungs...

I don't know... I want to leave. I want my childhood back. I want carefree days. I want my old family back.

Funny, we don't realize what we had til we've lost it. But can you really gain something back once it's lost? Or is it gone forever? Lost to the vapours of the past. Never to be seen again except in those few nostalgic-drenched moments where all you want is what you had and nothing of what you have.

I'm lost. I'm a ship at sea with no stars to guide. I'm in a foreign land where the constellations look like gibberish and everyone speaks nonsense. And all I want are the good ole green, rolling plains of my emerald home. But I fear they're lost forever at sea.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/15726903/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/15726903/ Thu, 29 Nov 2007 19:55:31 PST
So while life, or whatever this existence is, keeps moving along at breakneck speed, I can't help but feeling that things are not all as they seem...

I'm not sure what that means, but I do know that things as they are are incorrect... Like, what we see as life is not how it was meant to be, and it's beginning to return to what it's supposed to be.

Again, I have no idea what I'm talking about. The best way to describe it is that I'm losing my grip on reality. Reality, however, may be losing it's grip on me...

Maybe I'm just getting back to my hopeless romanticism, or maybe I'm ascending to a higher state of being...

Or maybe I'm finally becoming normal. Whatever normal is... Which isn't the norm. Or maybe I'm finally coming to realize what reality is and it's like nothing we've ever seen before.

What I'm saying makes no sense to me right now. Which is why it excites me so.



Anyways. Just wanted to write in this. Cuz I really enjoy sharing my ridiculous mind with the rest of the world.

G'night alls.
-Brandon

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/14994868/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/14994868/ Wed, 10 Oct 2007 03:49:58 PDT
every time something seems to go terribly wrong, i always feel like i'm doing something right. like, i'm not a threat if i'm comfortable and ignorant. but whenever i catch onto something... bigger... that undercurrent of a plan set in motion from before time began; whenever i catch a small glimpse of it, i'm back on the radar. i'm a threat again. i give him something to lose.

another soul, perhaps? i was kind to someone last week and now i may never see him again. he's going to rehab and i don't think i'll hear from him for a while. he got in a fight this week and got beat up. probably because i was kind to him. i almost blew it tonight. i think i might have in some way, but maybe that one little act of kindness was enough to awaken our foe to a rising threat, and he felt he had to try to put it down.

well hear this: he's seen love. unconditional, blind, and relentless love.

isn't that our greatest weapon? aren't we lovers? warriors?

... i think i can sleep now...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/14676711/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/14676711/ Mon, 17 Sep 2007 16:46:52 PDT

so i'm sitting in Campania's, jess's restaurant, stealing internet from some free wifi network... which i guess isn't really stealing... but ok.

life's good. two jobs, starbucks and some fancy movie theatre. tis great fun.

and yeah.... that's pretty much it... my life is pretty boring, but at the same time it's exciting.




so i don't really feel like updating right now so i'm gonna go.

peace,
brandon

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/14156999/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/14156999/ Mon, 13 Aug 2007 22:09:26 PDT
To my friends:
I love you. You are the greatest friends a man could ever ask for. We've had some rough times, but it's totally worth if for all the good ones...

We goof off, stay up til obscene hours, sleep four of us in the same bed, give each other "the talk" at 4 in the morning at tony's, randomly invade each other's houses and clean out pantry and fridge, go to a ridiculous amount of shows (mostly in that god forsaken land of pennsylvania) and almost always go out to eat afterwards, and every time we get a cool server it makes it even better.

Most of all, I love my friends because you've all encouraged me in one way or another. Whether it's been counseling and encouraging me through my own trials, or conquering and overcoming yours, you guys have shown me what brotherhood is all about.

It's loving each other despite our different religious views, our upbringings, our social circles, our music preferences, and our human drama, and just being brothers around that one simple fact. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour, died so that we could call each other brothers.

So thank you so much for letting me call you all my brothers. I will always call you such, and you will always be close to my heart.



I'll see you all when I come back.



With brotherly love,
Brandon

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13979836/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13979836/ Thu, 02 Aug 2007 00:59:39 PDT
It's the little things. The way she says goodbye when you hang up the phone. The way he complains then sucks it up whenever you want to watch a chick flick. It's the little things that we choose to ignore because, no, those little things couldn't possibly be a problem in my relationship.

And it's that cold shoulder treatment that leads to the demise of most relationships. They huddle together in the dark corner of your collective minds and conspire with each other little ways to bring you both to the edge before pushing you to your doom.

I know, melodramatic. But it's the truth. Most relationships are ruined because people refuse to pay attention to the little things. How the way he brushes his teeth annoys you couldn't possibly be as big as his porn problem. Or that the slightly obnoxious undertone in her voice whenever she complains to you about her coworkers couldn't conceivably be as problematic as her out of control spending habits...

But those little things are just as destructive as the big things.

What then can we do? Communicate. I know, it's dumb and cliche. But it's the only weapon against problems we humans have in our relationships.

I'm specifically talking about romantic relationships right now, mainly because I just finished slaying some of those little problems hiding in the corner of our mind. But I've had to do it with my best friend, as well.



I don't know why I'm writing this... hopefully someone will read it and solve a little problem with their boyfriend or their brother's best friend or even (God-forbid) their parents.

Just talk. Even if the words don't make sense. That's what separates us from everyone else. The fact that we can figure things out and love each other despite all our inadequacies and problems. Even our little problems.

So fix the damn problem before you lose everything. People will wonder what the hell you did to make everything right. And you can be honest and tell them you just talked.

That's what every relationship is about.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13920930/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13920930/ Sat, 28 Jul 2007 23:23:17 PDT
So if I can't do it, no one can. And yes, I am being a bit sarcastic, but I'm also dead serious. I've decided that if I can't make things perfect, no one can.




... Life is so fragile... We think things are set and perfect and under control... but then it all falls apart just like it always does.

So. Forget perfection. I'll settle for what I can give.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13826006/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13826006/ Sat, 21 Jul 2007 20:53:21 PDT
I saw tons of shooting stars. Which is just what I needed.

(Maybe I'll explain the story of shooting stars later...)

But anyways, I saw one tonight to top all others. A shooting star of such splendour that I could almost reach out and touch it. It was like a piece of fire falling from the sky. Nay, an angel. An angel with wings of fire. Moving so fast that it pierced the sky...

Just....



wow......











Daddy's got a great sense of humour.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13821849/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13821849/ Sat, 21 Jul 2007 14:10:10 PDT
I went out to visit Danika's art show in Baltimore. Well, after driving just under an hour to get there (I averaged about 90 all the way out), I drove around for another hour looking for parking.

See, there was this other festival going on and they had blocked off half the streets around her school. So, after dealing with stoned homeless guys and gangs eying the white guy driving around the bad part of town in his pickup truck, I just went home.

In short, I had a horrible day. Other things happened that I'm not going to talk about here, but I can say that my day started off amazing, got as bad as it could get, then got better, then crashed again.

To top it all off, some douche parked in my parking space in front of my house! That's one thing that drives me insane. I ask for very little in life; no one use my mug, no one waste my shampoo, and no one park in my frickin parking space...






ok... I feel a little better... still pissed at life, but not quite so much. Some things are happening and I hope they do, otherwise I don't know what I'll do...

But yeah. That's my rant. Sorry to bother you.

brandonian out

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13808342/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13808342/ Fri, 20 Jul 2007 12:17:17 PDT
she makes me sane.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13558603/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13558603/ Sun, 01 Jul 2007 00:34:05 PDT
What's going to happen in life? I have no idea. And it scares me. It scares me to the point of wanting to curl up in a little ball and let everything pass. To give up everything I know I want just to get past the horrifying discomfort...

But I'm excited. The unknown is something every guy wants to face. To be the superhero. The guy who faced something incredible and came out on top.

I want to run head first into oblivion and deal with it as it comes. But first... first I have to pace about anxiously. Get momentum by psyching myself out. Then trick myself into doing it.

It's like cliffdiving. It's a rush. The only thing between you and a body of water is 50 feet of nothing off a rock face. You stand atop the cliff, gazing down, telling yourself you can do it. Just jump and it'll all be over. The adrenaline rush is addicting, but the pain of letting go is too. Just jump, everything'll be fine. The worst that'll happen is you'll get the wind knocked out of you...

No, you tell yourself, you might die.

Die? Where's the logic in that? People die when they fall out of the World Trade Center. People don't die jumping into water.

The unknown is... intoxicating... to hear what goes through your own mind; you're own logical, rational mind. It's amazing.



How can things possibly get worse? They have to get better in order to get worse. And besides, even if your life does get infinitely worse than it already is, at least you had a hell of a time getting there.

If I end up in the gutter somewhere, begging for bread and cigarettes, at least I tried to get somewhere. You don't end up nowhere by trying to get there. You have to get somewhere.

So hold your breath, brandon. It's not that far down. Just jump. It'll be a blast. Even if it only lasts four seconds, oh what those four seconds will be like...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13506926/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13506926/ Wed, 27 Jun 2007 02:58:58 PDT
Everything that happens holds reason and I can't help but sing. Sleep? How can I sleep when there's so much to do and so much to sit and watch? How can I sleep? I might miss something He does. I might run in the wrong direction. Or better yet, I might crawl in the right direction without even knowing it, wishing I'd done it different every step of the way.

How can you sleep? How can you stand still? How can you run? How can you stop? My brain won't stop and my heart is close behind. He's got a hold of me and he won't let go. I can't let go for fear of being left behind, yet I wish I could and just stand in this moment.

But moments come and go and every single one is different. I want every one to hold and I want to spend eternity in the last one and the millions before it...




Why can't I sleep? Because I'm in love. With all my mistakes, all my triumphs, all my dreams and all my wishes and hopes and inadequacies and songs and stories and friends and family and every single breath I take.

Because he won't let me go. I tried to make him because I'm not worth it. But he's stubborn. Thankfully more so than myself.


I can't stop writing. I can't stop singing. I can't stop seeing beauty in every waking moment (which is every moment from here on out), and my insomnia and exhaustion are best friends.


This makes no sense.... I don't understand... but that's the beauty of it... I can't ever understand why I am this way, but it's new and it's exciting and everything I do and every breath I breathe is and I love it. I love it.

I'm in love. I've fallen again, and it's harder every time.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13270384/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13270384/ Fri, 08 Jun 2007 20:31:42 PDT
I get confused about what I should do, and he tells me.

What a relief... I almost go and throw everything out of whack just for the hell of it when I learn I can wait and still throw everything crazy, just with a little more money.





In case no one noticed, I'm feeling fairly sarcastic lately.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13214022/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13214022/ Mon, 04 Jun 2007 10:58:38 PDT danika on saturday.

A few new prints too. i figured what the hell...

I'll upload more later.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13195659/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13195659/ Sat, 02 Jun 2007 22:57:57 PDT
i'm a pirate.




go see pirates 3. if you've seen it, see it again.









it opened my eyes....

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13139211/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13139211/ Tue, 29 May 2007 14:20:07 PDT


hells yeah.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13024827/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13024827/ Sun, 20 May 2007 11:24:12 PDT
i'm not so far away as i thought.





it turns out a thirteen hundred miles isn't that far after all.



]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13018235/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/13018235/ Sat, 19 May 2007 20:47:08 PDT

all i need now is a new battery... hehehehehehehe.....

i feel like a lil kid...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12867344/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12867344/ Sun, 06 May 2007 18:29:53 PDT
i stole this from my sis, pip. check out her gallery sounder-pod. she's pretty much my photographical heroine.

so yeah. i'll... get to work on these....




THE LIST.

1. Introduction
2. Love
3. Light
4. Dark
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory - [link]
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Gray
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation
101. How I Want to Be Remembered
102. Bright

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12796585/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12796585/ Mon, 30 Apr 2007 21:33:14 PDT
I'm gonna start making it a habit of going out and taking pictures every day. even if it's raining. even if I can't get out until three in the morning.

And I'd like people to shoot with. It's always good to have an extra pair of eyes to critique your stuff.


I'd also like to get hooked up with a model. So if any of you want some experience modeling or know someone who does, message me. My hope is to expand my horizons and experience alot in the next few months and I need to experiment with as many different aspects of photography as I can.





So there's an update. I'm on this mondo creative kick and I hope it lasts...

Don't be afraid to comment on my stuff, too. I need as much critique as I can get, so I can tweak what I do and get better.

So yeah. Thanks. I know not many people will read this but, oh well.

Thanks guys.

-Bran

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12711552/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12711552/ Mon, 23 Apr 2007 22:46:09 PDT
Everything is fine.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12085235/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12085235/ Tue, 06 Mar 2007 18:40:45 PST Genesis 18:9-15

“Where is Sarah, your wife?” the visitors asked.

“She’s inside the tent,” Abraham replied.

Then one of them said, “I will return to you about this time next year, and your wife, Sarah, will have a son!”

Sarah was listening to this conversation from the tent. Abraham and Sarah were both very old by this time, and Sarah was long past the age of having children. So she laughed silently to herself and said, “How could a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my master—my husband—is also so old?”

Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Why did she say, ‘Can an old woman like me have a baby?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

Sarah was afraid, so she denied it, saying, “I didn’t laugh.”

But the Lord said, “No, you did laugh.”


Genesis 21:1-3

The Lord kept his word and did for Sarah exactly what he had promised. She became pregnant, and she gave birth to a son for Abraham in his old age. This happened at just the time God had said it would. And Abraham named their son Isaac.


Hebrews 11:11

It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise.


---------------------



Even though Sarah laughed at God when He said she would have a son, she eventually believed. She had a whole year to think about it and all the things God had done for her and Abraham thus far.

It's encouraging to think that, even if we don't believe and obey at first, God's faithful to keep his promises even if we break our end of the bargain. When we finally realize this unchanging fact, we have no choice but to believe that He'll do what He says He'll do. He's God and He cannot lie.


Even though I've been running and not wanting to do what He tells me to do because I didn't really believe He could make it better or follow through on His promise, I had to come to the point where I had nothing to do but believe Him.

He'll do whatever it takes to get your heart. We belong to him whether we like it or not and He won't let us go as quickly as we'll doubt Him. He's a god of His word. He'll follow through.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12068858/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12068858/ Mon, 05 Mar 2007 14:29:54 PST
[Trust]
1. Assured resting of the mind on the integrity, veracity,
justice, friendship, or other sound principle, of another
person.

Trust is confidence without guarantee. To trust is to put your hope in something without and proof that your hope will be proved to be placed correctly.

To trust God is to tell Him that you'll give up your hopes and dreams is He will make them happen. To trust Him is to say, "I will focus on what I'm to do tomorrow if You make my dreams and your promises true when they become tomorrow."

Today I said that. I gave up my heart so that I can have the promises He's made and the dreams he gave me when their time is right.

The thing is, even though this pain in my chest is pushing my heart out between my ribs and through my skin because it can't stand to ache inside me, my mind is at peace. My whole world just fell apart and yet, somehow, I can't wait for tomorrow. Even though I've spent the last three hours hoping someone would run over my truck with a tank while I was in it, or that someone would come into the Roy Roger's with a gun and hold hostages, killing me to prove his point, I still have to go on. I still have to do what I have to do, and that is to be patient (more on that subject in future blogs). I told Him that if He doesn't follow through on this one thing, I would never have faith in Him again. And somehow, I know He will. As hard as it is for my flesh to believe it, I know.


In conclusion, pray for me long and hard. Because if I die tomorrow, I'm going to blame it on all of you for not praying hard enough.

Seriously, though, life goes on. Hard as it is to believe, whatever we give to God, He gives back tenfold. Don't be afraid to give Him what belongs to Him, because that's obedience.

By the way, thanks Dave.

-brandon

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12024233/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/12024233/ Fri, 02 Mar 2007 09:04:04 PST
I haven't seen her and most likely will not see her until May or June or even, god forbid, not until the fall.

I just kissed her goodbye like I'd see her the following week. And while it was sincere and selfless, I don't think it expressed how much I'd miss her.

Of course, a kiss is something so much more the the physical contact of two people's four lips; it's a connection. Any form of sexual intimacy, whether it be a hug, a kiss, or actual sex, is a form of spiritual connection.

And I don't mean like, "oh I feel spiritual," but there is a sense of touching someone deeper when you kiss them. And the way you kiss alters that sense.

I kiss my sister on the cheek and she and I get a sense of a deep connection of the love between a girl and her older brother.

Me and my lover kiss and it's something deeper than words could express. I kiss her lightly on the cheek when I greet her and I feel the childness of our hearts touching. I get butterflies in my stomach when I kiss her goodbye for the last time for half a year, and I know it's the last kiss, yet it's not expressible.

It's just communication, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

That's just my thoughts on it.






I'm just missing her...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/11980835/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/11980835/ Mon, 26 Feb 2007 21:23:53 PST
Well that's the adventure of it.

God has this funny attitude towards it, though. He likes to interrupt the "natural flow" and insert his own supernatural and (seemingly) completely irrational plan into the mix.

Take my situation for example: my parents tell me to break up with my girl because it's a distraction, rebellious, and outright disrespectful towards her.
I realize: shit... I have been all those things... I should fix them. If I have to break up with her for the time being, sobeit, but I'm going to do it so I can get things right.
Result: she hangs up crying; but understanding and I walk home alone on a cold, dark, snowy night feeling like I could shoot myself.

Ok. Round one. Next, I call her and tell her that there's no way I could break up with her because she means too much to me and I could never hurt her...
Result: we decide to "take space" to figure our lives out and talk to god and get things right with him before we move on in our relationship.
Wow... this is great... I can still talk with her and be together while not feeling like I'm going behind my parents back.

*ding ding* round two...
I realize I actually am going behind my parents back and things with her aren't getting any better. So what do I do? Being the ocd, add, bipolar freak that I am, I call her up and tell her I can't talk to her because she's too much of a distraction. But I still want her to message me and tell me how things are going with her on a regular basis
Result: she's even more confused now and doesn't know what to think. Again, I hit the weight bench thinking of poetic ways to kill myself.


About this time, I can feel her heart cracking from a thousand miles away. I know I can't keep this up and still have any kind of a relationship with her.

So what do I do?

we both agree that it's best not to talk for the time being and that we need to be totally independent of each other in god so we won't bring each other down. This, as far as I can tell, is wonderful. I don't have to worry about her, she doesn't have to worry about me, we'll meet down the road and everything'll be fine.

Heh... yeah... then my dad talks to me. He tells me that things aren't always as they seem. He tells me that, even though it appeared to be in god's will at the time, it's not. In other words, he tells me everything I already know. Then he tells me she doesn't think she's the one for me to be with because of her immaturity.

No by this time, my roller coaster has gone through everything; the drop, the loop, the 5g spin, the twist, you name it, I've felt it. I've wanted to curl up in the snow and die, I've wanted to paint a picture in the streets expressing my joy, and I've wanted to run the hell away from everything so as not to deal with any of it.

Now I'm questioning everything. Questioning whether I've heard god, whether I know what I want, even whether I'm worth any girl being with.

Then god steps in with his (seemingly) irrational supernatural plan.

Apparently, she thinks I'm a great warrior. She knows I'm growing and, even though I don't feel like it at all, I'm turning back into the man she fell in love with 4 months ago.

My best friend tells me that, even though he sees both of our flaws, he thinks we're both right for each other and that he's writing a letter to my dad in her defense.



So yeah. That’s my story for the last 2 weeks. Fun, huh? Yeah, sorry. I just had to get that out.

Life’s a grand adventure. Don’t waste a minute of it. Even when you don't want to go on.

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/11860853/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/11860853/ Sat, 17 Feb 2007 21:44:38 PST










someone tell me this is going to be ok. but keep your mouth shut, cuz i don't wanna hear it.

homicidal sounds good right about now...

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/11662638/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/11662638/ Fri, 02 Feb 2007 18:00:10 PST
"spinning out of control" seems to say it.

but that's all fine and dandy. because i think the only reason that's happening is because god's been trying to get ahold of me.

i'm in st louis right now at my grandparents. hopefully for enough time to chill and get quiet enough to start hearing something.

there's alot i gotta get right before i can go back to dallas. i dunno when i'll be back there, but prayer would be appreciated. if ya'll feel god puts it on your heart, pray for me. alot. like angel.

thanks.
bran

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/11559525/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/11559525/ Wed, 24 Jan 2007 23:28:03 PST
yeah... i don't feel like expounding right now...

girl, job, no place to live, kind of a band, and total confusion are the only things i've got right now.



oh how fun...

at the very least, i've got a ton of good writing material.

-brain

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/9730410/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/9730410/ Mon, 14 Aug 2006 21:23:41 PDT
Updates may come. I'll have alot of inspiration. We'll see how it goes.

Peace

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/9670960/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/9670960/ Wed, 09 Aug 2006 22:24:55 PDT
no more fire and it raining down on my head... i promise.

i leave on tuesday. i'm excited.

and erin's here til monday. i miss her so much. i'm glad she's here.

yeah... i'm rediscovering the darkness... well, not the darkness, but the worlds of my darkness. they're so beautiful... twisted and such...

yeah... emo... i know.

- ]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/9516720/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/9516720/ Thu, 27 Jul 2006 22:08:58 PDT
why can't things like this just be simple? why must emotions be so complicated and involving... why is it not possible for me to say, "I'm leaving. i'll see you when i get back and we'll figure it out from there."

i mean... 3 years is a long time...



i like smileys... and thunderstorms. but noooo, everyone wanted to watch gladiator tonite instead of the lightning flashes.

i really like that one...




i really need some sleep... hoorah for no work...

i think i'll update this more when i leave... it's a good thing to write in.

and now i will

- ]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/8535936/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/8535936/ Thu, 20 Apr 2006 20:28:33 PDT
ok... yeah that's not me. i'm trying to be emo and failing miserably right now... i feel like i need to write but nothing's really coming out...

The Fold has a song called Stay and i've fallen in love... it's so... poetic... i love violins.



......


i think i'll try and squeeze what little creative juice i have out and get something on paper...

-bran ]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/7827966/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/7827966/ Tue, 07 Feb 2006 11:59:01 PST
it rocked.

we've got pics up if anyone's interested

Our Myspace

so yeah. we're prolly playing again on the 18th.

yeah... *is excited*

-puppy ]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/7697297/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/7697297/ Tue, 24 Jan 2006 17:05:10 PST

made a few new friends. most notably leila. she's cool as crap and knows erin and emma branzell. Small world...

show comin up on feb 4th. Mudd Puddle in Frederick at 7pm.

aaaaand there's my update...

-brain ]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/7254539/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/7254539/ Thu, 08 Dec 2005 10:04:51 PST
we've pretty much got our set down, just 2 or 3 songs corey added to fill in the 45 mins - 1hr we have to play. friggin a...

so yeah. we're all excited here, and if you wanna see us check out our site for directions and showtime.

www.myspace.com/leftsidebend
www.xanga.com/leftsidebend

so yeah. it'll be fun.

adios

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/7109631/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/7109631/ Mon, 21 Nov 2005 21:23:41 PST
i been listening to john mayer's Love Song for No One.


I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here.


i mean.. cmon! geez... i only got so much time left on this rock, you gotta be out there somewhere! and you can't be that far away...

i think i've taken a few panicked swings these past coupla years. afraid i'll miss her. swinging as hard as i can, hoping for more that a ground-rule double.

maybe i'm playin the wrong game? i don't even really like baseball that much... maybe i should try some football?

*sigh*... i dunno... just... if you're out there and you ever read this, don't torture me and keep me waiting. as soon as you know you let me know. deal? deal...

-superman

]]> *saphrimangel http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/6901876/ http://saphrimangel.deviantart.com/journal/6901876/ Sat, 29 Oct 2005 22:22:16 PDT

I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, isle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave.

Can't remember, what went wrong last September
though i'm sure that you'd remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in

I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
they throw me, high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, say

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
and poses for pictures that are being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back.

got me thinkin too....



was i comfortable?

-cowboy ]]> *saphrimangel