http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:scamper&section=today deviantART RSS for by:scamper en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:02:05 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/28427866/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/28427866/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:10:24 PST On the otherhand it looks like I have about 2 unread comments? Meh...

Just bummin around. Fall has been so hectic most of it is already gone. On the upside of that, it's kept my seasonal depression mostly at bay. My grandmother died very suddenly in Sept and we spent alot of time going through her stuff. As a result I now have a Kenmore 1960's sewing table that I plan to put into use. It's about time I start sewing again.

Diego is moving closer to me. I found a barn within 20 minutes of my house and I'm thrilled. I've been at Leslies for going on 10 years now and the hour drive is just too much. I want to be close to my horse when something goes wrong, or when I'm sad. He's family.

And in other news I managed to acquire a boyfriend over the fall. I met him in Feb under some not so great circumstances (didn't like him - thought he was a jerk). By summer we started spending more time together to see if there was any chance it could be something long term, or if it was just a momentary intrest on our parts. Turned out long term it seems. It's been many years since I was in a relationship, I have a way of locking myself up. It's absoluately terrifying being open again. I couldn't ask for a better partner though. He loves me to death and tries his hardest to flow with my various issues, personality flaws and incosistances (okay so maybe he confronts that last one). He's kind and caring and generally good hearted, if alittle rough around the edges.


I suppose I'll update again when I have more to update.
How has everyone else been?

Scamp.

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/22997424/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/22997424/ Wed, 04 Feb 2009 06:57:50 PST
I've been a long time out of contact but I haven't left completely.

Recently music and costuming have taken up a significant amount of my time. Music more at this point than costuming since I'm dead broke all the time (not by lack of budgeting but simply from lack of MONEY and too many bills). -_-

I've recently gotten some new software and a few things that're kicking my rear back into digital drawing though. I'd like to start posting my art again...

In the meantime if any of my watchers or friends around here want my contact info to keep in touch comment or send me a note.


Later ~

Scamper


Never sigh for better world
It's already composed, played and told...
Every thought - the music I write...
Everything, a Wish for the Night.

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/19637358/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/19637358/ Mon, 28 Jul 2008 08:07:09 PDT I'm doing alot more sewing/costume design and research into cosplay for Dragon Con this year (Only a month away! ^_^) There are actually some pretty talented cosplayers on DA it seems.
Also I've come across a group in which a few members are professional or semi historical reenactors. I'm gonna be learning alot about costuming/clothing/sewing it seems in the future.

Anyways, not to bore you all. I do miss the DA crowd even though I barely keep in touch.
As for the rest of the family ~ Diego is doing fine. Little age on him nowdays but he's happy I'm riding him regularly.
The ferrets are happy as always, but alittle miffed that my new job has kept me from playing with them at night...

Anyways, ta for now

~Scamp

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/18439039/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/18439039/ Wed, 21 May 2008 21:37:11 PDT

(beware - this is long)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE RULES!

1. tag 10 ppl (not the one who sent it to you!)
2. answer all truthfully
3. take it in public!
4. tell all taggees on their profile that they have been tagged,
and link to your journal

Heck with the rules...


[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.

[*] I think I'm ugly sometimes.

[*] I have many scars.

[*] I tan easily.

[*] I wish my hair was a different color. red. Wish it matched me on the INSIDE

[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.

[ ] I have a tattoo. Not yet

[ ] I am self-conscious about my appearance. Aren't we all?

[*] I have/I've had braces. I could tell you some nightmare stories....

[ ] I wear glasses.

[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

[*] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger. I was 14. Freaked me out royally

[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.

[*] I have piercing in places besides my ears. Should be INSTEAD of my ears

[*] I have freckles. -- On my arms, when I get sun

[*] I hate my dad. ...

[ ] I hate my mom.

[*] I have a brother.

[ ] I have a sister.

[*] I've sworn at my parents. It's been awhile though

[ ] I've run away from home.

[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.

[*] My biological parents are together.

[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.

[ ] I want to have kids someday. Heavens no

[ ] I've had children.

[ ] I've lost a child.

[ ] I'm in school.

[*] I have a job. 2...actually

[*] I've fallen asleep at work/school.

[*] I almost always do my homework.

[*] I've missed a week or more of school.

[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.

[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.

[ ] I've stolen something from my job.

[ ] I've been fired.

[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.

[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.

[*] I've peed from laughing. It happens

[*] I've snorted while laughing. tends to happen more than I'd like to admit

[*] I've laughed so hard I've cried.

[*] I've glued my hand to something.

[*] I've had my pants rip in public.

[*] I was born with a disease/impairment. Eczema is a skin disease. And apparently I have a mild heart murmer. My allergies are my biggest impairment though. OH! And being short!

[*] I've gotten stitches/staples. ....

[*] I've broken a bone. fractured toe

[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.

[] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.

[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.

[ ] I had a serious surgery.

[*] I've had chicken pox.

[ ] I was born in a different country.

[ ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.

[*] I've been on a plane.

[ ] I've been to Canada. Not yet

[ ] I've been to Mexico.

[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.

[ ] I've been to Japan.

[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

[ ] I've been to Europe.

[ ] I've been to Africa.

[*] I've gotten lost in my city. In "teh Hood" no less...great place to get lost in Atlanta..the hood...

[ ] I've seen a shooting star.

[ ] I've wished on a shooting star.

[*] I've seen a meteor shower.

[*] I've gone out in public in my pajamas. Do it on a regular basis. What's the big deal?

[ ] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.

[*] I've kicked a guy where it hurts. A fair warning to men - you do NOT I repeat NOT want to sleep in the same bed as me

[ ] I've been to a casino.

[ ] I've been skydiving.

[*] I've gone skinny dipping. Workin on that

[ ] I've played spin the bottle.

[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.

[ ] I've crashed a car.

[*] I've been Skiing.

[*] I've been in a play.

[ ] I've met someone in person from myspace.

[*] I've caught a snowflake on m... ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/16559383/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/16559383/ Thu, 24 Jan 2008 22:42:58 PST 5,000th page view it seems...

I admit. I need some fresh art. Been doing more textile and photography art lately than drawing.
my scanner died...again. Would you believe it? But I have a new one. (again)


2007 was interesting. A few life changing meetings and experiences... Hopefully 08 will continue in that trend (the good part).


[Oh and PS> Happy birthday to me. And 4 whole days of vacation. YaY]


More to come.

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/15657145/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/15657145/ Sat, 24 Nov 2007 22:45:58 PST Long time no rants.

My summer = Dragon Con. Freakin awesome geek slumber party. Met friends even, who'd have thought?

Sept=getting to know friends and work. Pleh.

Oct=fights with parents and work stress. Need to move OUT.

Nov=.....hehe. Work interview and a certain someone coming to visit me after 3 months of not seeing them. Many things happened that have not happened in nearly 6 years for me.

Now it's all lonely though... back to life as usual.

I started drawing again to combat my boredness. First digital painting in many months if not a year... check her out. Inspiration came from listening to album after album of Nightwish.

'Till next time...

Over the hills and far away...

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/13511265/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/13511265/ Wed, 27 Jun 2007 11:23:44 PDT Now call me crazy... but I've saved some comments that were several years old and even they have disappeared.

Were comments taken out? Or is this just a typical fluke. I haven't been able to access my Comments the last 4 times I've logged in. WTH

Kinda aggravating.


Other news.... scanner still isn't fixed. I'm sick of it taking up space at my desk.

I got a car. Transportation.... wheee.

I now truly know what it means to be broke.

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12822911/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12822911/ Thu, 03 May 2007 00:54:09 PDT
Anyways.

News:
Little more art, but more music going on right now. (I'm relearning keyboard)

I'm sewing with Michelle now (a friend from work). She has recruited me as her corset model and we are in the process of meeting and starting to design patterns for sewing. Tis exciting, even if I don't sound thrilled tonight.

I got approved for a car loan.. so I'm shopping. (again...it IS exciting despite how I sound)

One of my coworkers...one of my closest friends at work, left last week.... (yeah...now we get to the fun part)

Half the time I can't get all the way across the parkinglot, through the guard shack and into the building without tearing up. And sometimes, like last thursday... it just all comes out. I had to be escorted to the bathroom >_< uhg. I was just at an utter low point. There's a big hole now that he's gone.
I have worked so long and so hard, hoping praying for friends, for people I have something in common with to help me SURVIVE at this H&*#^@hole of a job. I suddenly get that and it's like one thing after another has gotten in my way... then I got it-then it's all gone. In the blink of an eye. It's amazing how you really don't know how much time you have left with people. And as hard as I tried...I still have so many regrets and "What if's". All those times I sat there and never said what I needed to simply because I was a chicken or I figured I could do it another time.
Time is up.


And the pain of loosing people is becoming too much for me. Last year I lost SO many people, family members, friends.....everything. They just dropped off like flies... All that crying and screaming and begging I did to God about all the pain. I even think about it now... wasn't it a year and a month ago that I was hanging over my bed crying and throwing up over Luci? Not even strong enough to stand up on my own. I've come so far since then...
I don't NEED anymore pain though. I had ENOUGH of this last year. And by not becoming too terribly attached to most people at work (or by letting my anger get in the way of attachment) I've stayed away from the large majority of pain. Cept that whole loneliness issue....
But yeah... up until now it's been fairly successful.

Yet even as I type this there's a text that hasn't been answered, and my gut is telling me what I tried to tell myself this entire week - this is goodbye. For real.
A text here, a call there, an IM here and email there....

I told myself this would happen. But I wouldn't BELIEVE myself.
Now it's happening... and I'm screwed.
For most people when it comes to me... out of sight out of mind. It hurts to be viewed to most people as so insignificant. It really does. I don't think I'm a forgettable person.
I could call as much as my phone bill would allow. I could text I could email till my outbox was full. But that's not going to fix anything.... out of sight, out of mind.

My initial reaction was right all along anyways. If I can't get him to hang around town with me while we work together? If he truly doesn't enjoy my company enough for us to do that? WHY oh WHY do I think I'll be able to get him to when we DON'T work together and he DOESN'T see me everyday? hm?
Stupid stupid logic...
That's reality right there.

This will probably hit me tomorrow and I'll be in a whole lot more pain than I am at the moment. Right now my mind is standing on the edge of this idea...entertaining it, looking it over. Kinda of like standing over the edge of a volcano before ending up in the lava. Ouch.
Just when I thought I would get a break from the whole "pain thing". Now I have to deal with it all over again.

It's simple loss.... that's really all it is. But it's one of those goodbyes I hate:
Messy and abrupt and regretful and full of confusion, stress, anxiety, nightmares, sleep loss, never knowing what was going to happen day to day yet never taking the steps to prepare myself...

I honestly did not realize how badly this could end.
Now he's gone on with his life and I'm stuck here in the past... thinking about us... monday.... saturday.... two weeks ago...a month ago....


I think it's time for a little flashback from my youth. This isn't to be cheesy, this is simply a reminder to myself how age really does make the world a clearer place and as time goes on this song will mean more and more to me... I'll understand it better and better.


You've so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife then you turn your back and they're gone so fast...
Gone so fast.
So hold on to the ones who really care cuz in the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start loo... ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12430190/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12430190/ Mon, 02 Apr 2007 12:08:12 PDT
Well yesterday I visited the art store after who knows how long. They've moved. Used to the specialized art store was 5 miles from my house, I could zip over and get supplies, or just stop by on my way past and have a look around.
Where'd they move to?
Oh a mere 25-30 MINUTES AWAY.
Seriously, they packed up both of their local stores and combined into one big store further away...
Now I waste a gallon of gas just to get there. Not to mention fighting the traffic and lights.
WTH? It's maddening to me because for short supply runs that basically leaves me Michaels and Joanns. Bleh. Very little choice.
All I have to say is they're probably going to start loosing more business since they're not close to the local college anymore... all those art students won't have an art store right down the road anymore.

/end rant

Either way I found the leather pencil cases I needed...except they're charging an extra $3 for them in the store... that's an extra $6 I wasn't planning on taking out of my wallet. I know that sounds stingy but when you're on a $20 budget for the week every little bit counts. They had a few other little supplies here and there that interested me so I picked some up.
And ended up over spending.
What is it about this month? I mean between the fabric sale and this art run... I've spent way over $100, normally I do alot better than that.

I've been saving and searching furiously for a car. I think I'm going to be put off of it for a week or so though due to an unforeseen...email.
1)chain car wreck emails should have warnings on them
2)I think I want side curtain airbags now...

Anywayyyyssss.
Other than revamping my art supply box and hoping to get some sort of inspiration to start drawing again... (I know promises promises)
Life has been dull. Mom is back to work full time and bro is off at college again. Leaving me with no one all day everyday save for the people I work with.
Not to mention friends rarely seem to be online these days. It's funny how I think back to 05 when I felt so loved and had my friends all around me. Things fell apart so....utterly. I wish I could go back...and feel that way again and have those people always there for me, those ties. I hate being alone.

The work scene is horribly depressing. That little nagging question of what's wrong with me keeps popping up. Why is it that no one at work besides the sleaze balls want to hang out with me? Does no one see any potential for a good friendship? Is it that they don't know me well enough? Or they know me well enough to know they don't like me...? As bad as it is I'm starting to miss Dray. Atleast when he was here there was one person who wasn't afraid to go do things outside of work with me and enjoy it. Even if he was a liar and afraid of virgins
I've never said another word to Cutie about hanging out. Occasionally I mention that he should or could come do something with me sometime but usually it's just a passing comment. He's got to pick up his end of the deal. Atleast the silence is more comfortable now. He still doesn't talk though...about anything significant. Then again I think I'm utterly spoiled by RS.

It's a monday and I'm about to go into work tonight...and honestly at the moment this friendship thing is so depressing to me... I just feel like giving up on it entirely. Like doing my job and going home. Ignoring everyone. But then I think about that and I think about how lonely it is here in the house at night. And how tired I am - I never get any work done at night anymore. So I don't really want to be at home.
Yet somehow I don't really want to be at work.
I just don't want to be here period...

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12244641/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12244641/ Mon, 19 Mar 2007 11:56:11 PDT

Anyways this weekend wasn't quite as bad, but wasn't good either. I just need things to do....outings, a schedule of stuff... otherwise I'm driven to madness.

RS (yes more code names)has been keeping up alittle more with me now. We still have alot of fun talking and atleast that wall isn't there anymore (some of you know what I mean). So that's looking up I guess.

I haven't seen Cutie but like two times last week at work, and his net is down. I really hope I see him today cuz it's kinda weird not seeing him like I used to. He seems to feel the same, he always asks where I've been like I'm avoiding him and says he thought I quit.
.... actually I kinda like that he even cares.

Drawing isn't picking back up like I was hoping. Other crafts are though. After some analyzing of my closet I figured out that I definitely need more flowy, breezy peasant shirts. And some more gothic, dark romantic lacy type shirts. It's spring so what better time to go get that elusive white linen/rayon blend? Currently I'm looking at making a gauzy white peasant shirt with short sleeves that I can wear at work without catching it on everything.
I also need to finish my pants... also need to finish my skirt before the beloved Reni fair this year and I could use some stretchy beach pants too.... Maybe some shorts too?

So yeah...
I'm gonna go run errands now.
-out

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12130887/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12130887/ Sat, 10 Mar 2007 12:23:41 PST I really needed someone to talk to though, it was that or go home and cry myself to sleep... and that's the last thing I wanted on a friday.

I'm so tired of being alone I could throw up...

So Now I wake up today with a depression hangover and a slight sunburn... >_> from laying outside in the sun two days in a row. *scratches at an arm* But hey...I need that seratonin.

I keep telling myself I'll pull out my art stuff this weekend but last weekend I said that and only worked on my pants (the ones my aunt is helping me custom make for my own body). They're coming along great by the way.
I did however do alittle drawing at work thursday night. I had some ink pens so I just started scribbling a horse from the front view. People who saw it quickly started getting confused though, because of the way I drew it. So after a co workers comment I decided to bring the drawing back the next day and make everyone guess what it was. I'll have to scan it and post it here... because it turned out to be a hilarious game. I have a whole list of guesses now from people.... all that fuss over a little ink drawing of a horse...

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12037499/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/12037499/ Sat, 03 Mar 2007 09:05:03 PST *sniffle*

I hate being all 3 of those.

This cold or whatever it is, is awful. All sniffling and sore throat, no relief or sleep etc.

One of my coworkers is leaving.One that I'm quite fairly attached too and will miss way too much. And I'm caught completely off guard. Now I don't know what to do. And I'm stuck here alone in this house all weekend thinking about all this junk.

Maybe I'll draw alittle, but quite frankly I'm so miserable with the snifflies that I may just lie in bed and think about how I hate my life right now. I've got too many drawings to finish.

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/11916399/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/11916399/ Thu, 22 Feb 2007 03:03:58 PST Work was blah.
Then I got home and an old friend from my church emailed me...totally out of the blue... I was so glad to hear from him I fairly pounced on the email.
Then I got an email from Blinketh whilst talking to Scorp. I haven't talked to her in I dunno how long...so we started talking and the whole night just turned into Partner-in-crime night. I mean.. for one it took forever just to update her on my life. Amuba dying, Luci and his amnesia and our friendship finally dying. My bro moving away, mom's cancer.........etc

And work. Oh glorious work. And certain people at work.
Oh and Hanson's new album that's technically not out yet?
Yeah we gave that a go. I'm still deciding. Although it just thrills me to no end that they FINALLY wrote a song about my home state... or atleast a girl with the same name? And the musical introduction of Blue Sky is pretty sweet for Hanson. Blink's not as hot on it. And I'm pretty...amazed that Skillet has got an album that so utterly squashes The Walk.... Comatose has ruled my stereo for how many months now? I made myself freakin hoarse back in December when I was sick (I didn't know that singing with a cold could actually make you loose your voice....truly I was under some dillusion that it was actually sexy too... until Dennis blew that to smithereens when he said "Oh what've you got? That sounds horrible"). Comatose can't top sentimental classics like MON or TTA... but it's gonna end up stuck right there with them. Oh how I miss the TTA days...that was the LIFE man. Being 15 and care free, it was all about sunshine, being outdoors and loving the music. And my first concert. I wonder if when I'm 50 I'll have a concert under my belt that will top that first one at the Tabernacle...I doubt I will *sigh*

Ok ok anyways.
I'm in complete shock and awe anyways tonight. Because of the accidental comment on Scorp's part (he should know by now not to give me ideas when I'm bored) and the help of Blink... I've suddenly and rather accidentally uncovered this like alternate ego, this unknown side of someone that I know - if alittle. Now.. I know when I sit there at work and endure the constant labels I get thrown at me at work everyday I end up thinking about my life and who I am and how little these people really know about me... and what would they think if they did?
But it never dawned on me that that could be the case with everyone. That everyone here has so much more to offer and is so much more than a package handler, a clerk, a manager, etc... that these people have dreams, some maybe frighteningly similar to mine, and passions and lives outside of work that you'd never see coming. I'm just wowed with it all at the moment. And I'm thrown back to a time in my life when my goals and dreams were so clear and I knew what I wanted to do so badly it hurt. It makes me wonder what happened to me. It's like suddenly I want to get out and explore worlds here in my own city I didn't even really realize existed.

So much to think about. Anyways. Atleast tonight at work we didn't have any knock down drag out verbal wars. I wonder when our next one will be... hrmm. I saw Cutie Pie too. (yeah I still have to use code names on here... I forget sometimes) I was beginning to wonder if I'd see him this week but I was talking to Dennis and saw him. He waved to me at the check in window. Lookin all cute... if he keeps giving me mixed signals I'm tempted to be alittle evil and do something about it... now that I know he doesn't have a girlfriend I guess it couldn't hurt.
Then again it could scar him for life and he might never want anything to do with me again.
Eh.... I can't wait for our other day time security guard to get back though to see if he's been asking about me everyday again.
I'm also really curious to see if he's going to hug me again anytime soon. Or if he's too chicken and I have to be the one to do it.

Then again I guess I can't say too much about bein chicken *cough* Em... anyways.

My butt's killing me, I gotta get to bed. it's 6 friggin am and I have to meet a friend tomorrow and work. >.<

*Till I return! *

-Scamp

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/10989276/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/10989276/ Thu, 07 Dec 2006 22:08:25 PST =)" title=">=) (Devil)" /> Let's see about this one eh?

1) smoked weed or cigs: no
2) consumed alcohol: yes (2 sips, 2 times) yech
3) slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex: Yes
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex: Yes (I would think most everyone who had siblings would answer yes to these questions?)
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex: ...yes
6) made out with someone of the same sex: no
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex: Yes
8) watched porn: I hate porn. I think it should die a quick and bloody death.
9) bought porn: No
10) done drugs: No
TOTAL: 5


11) taken pain killer: Yes
12) taken someone else's prescription medicine: yes
13) lied to your parents: Yes
14) lied to a friend: Yes
15) snuck out of the house: Yes
16) done something illegal: actually...I dun think I have
17) cut yourself: not intentionally
18) hurt someone: yeah
19) wished someone to die: yes
20) seen someone die: Yes...
TOTAL: 8


21) missed curfew: Nope but it's late & the rents dun stay up
22) stayed out all night: up or out?
23) eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself: my teeth would freeze
24) been to a therapist: Yes
25) been to rehab: No
26) dyed your hair: it's addictive
27) received a ticket: Nope and we're gonna keep it that way
28) been in a wreck: No
29) been to a club: not really
30) been to a bar: kinda
TOTAL: 4


31) been to a wild party: depends, I guess yes
32) seen the Mardi Gras: No desire what so ever...
34) had a spring break in Florida: No
35) sniffed anything: more than I can count. You're talking to the kid who LIKED gasoline here.
36) wore black nail polish: nope, it's so unoriginal
37) wore arm bands: Yes
38) wore t-shirts with band names: yes
39) listened to rap: Yes
40) own a 50 cent cd: heck no
TOTAL: 5


41) dressed gothic: yes and I enjoy it throughly
42) dressed prep: yes
43) dressed punk: I'm going to wrap punk & goth together here
44) dressed grunge: no
45) stole something: nope. Unless you consider music DLs? Which I don't.
46) been too drunk to remember anything: No
47) blacked out: yeah
48) fainted: almost
49) had a crush on your neighbor: um...no
50) had someone sneak into your room: yes (my brother)
TOTAL: 5


51) snuck into someone else's room: Yes
52) had a crush on someone of the same sex: nuuu
53) been to a concert: Yes
54) dry humped someone: uh...no
55) been called a slut: Not to my face but I bet I have. (funny how ppl will believe it in a church when everyone around me knows I'm a virgin. My ex is an idiot)
56) called someone a slut: Yes
57) installed speakers in your car: No
58) broke a mirror: can't remember
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house: Dun remember
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush: EW!
TOTAL: 4


61) consider ludacris your favorite rapper: heck no...
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters: The Passion of the Christ
63) cruised the mall: Yup
64) skipped school: Yes
65) had an eating disorder: nope
66) had an injury: Yes (I'd like to meet the person who answers no to this)
67) gone to court: No
68) walked out of a resteraunt without paying: No
69) caught something on fire: >_> maybe
70) lied about your age: No. Although I have been known to withhold it in general.
TOTAL: 5


71) owned an apartment: No
72) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend: yes
73) been cheated on: story of my life? What goes around comes back at you x10
74) got in trouble with the police: nope
75) talked to a stranger: Yes
76) hugged a stranger: no...
77) kissed a stranger: *gag* no
78) rode in the car with a stranger: I think we picked up some person one time
79) been sexually harrassed: Haha with my job I could probably say yes.
80) been verbally harrassed: See above...lol
TOTAL: 6


81) met face to face with someone you met online: Yes (shout out to Ann)
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight: probably
83) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight: No
... ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/10642768/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/10642768/ Mon, 06 Nov 2006 23:03:06 PST Mood: ANGRY

This is by far the worst year I've lived through. I hope I'm dead before another one of these rolls around.

Aside from my mom having cancer, job uncertanties for me and my dad etc...

I was separated from my ex boyfriend for 6 months. To get my life back together and heal from our relationship. I contacted him recently and guess what?
He doesn't remember me. He had an accident at work and got RetroGrade Amnesia. Despite the fact that alot of the info he gave me does not match the info I found online. And that it seems to be selective amnesia.

.Oh.my.gosh. (as Blink would say)

Nothing surprises me anymore.
At first I was inclinded to believe it, but it just paints too much of a "Poor Jesse picture". Too vicitmized and not enough responsibility in the situation. Which is a pattern I'm already familiar with.

Hm.

Plus the fact that he has a history of avoiding issues. Guess he figured he'd avoid us altogether by loosing his memories of us.

BS. BS!

You hear me Luciano? Yes YOU. BW. Jesse. Whatever the heck everyone calls you now.
Where you would get the nerve to do this, I don't know. It's crazy, it's hurtful and it doesn't seem like the type guy I thought you were. I thought you cared more about me than to act like this. Honestly I had hope of having a good casual friendship again.
Not anymore. You lost that chance buddy. I loved you, cared about you for YEARS. And at the end of it... you avoid me and what we were.


To make matters worse, he's avoiding chatting with me over insatnt messanger. A definate fishy sign.

If he wants to be left alone with his little girlfriends in his little home town with his sicko guy friends and not have me in his life?
Fine

I am at the point where I will let go of him.
You won't treat me like this Luciano. I deserve better. I'm a beautiful, smart, sensable woman now. And I deserve to be treated like a real Queen. Not a simpleton internet friend.
I have 60 guys that I work with who've taught me that. I deserve more.

And I'll get more.
The only thing I can ask is that you be honest and admit you're decieving me. If you really want out of this, we will part ways. It was once said that it's better to say "I don't want anyone in my life who doesn't want to be there." than to hang onto things.


For too long I let guys treat me like this. One after the other. NO FREAKIN MORE! I am BEAUTIFUL I am one of the most DEDICATED, LOYAL people you will ever meet. You aren't allowed to mar sacredness. You aren't allowed to taint works of art. You aren't allowed to treat a woman like me, like this. Never again.


God doesn't ask us to trust people. He only asks us to trust Him. <---- my life line for the past 10 months. Whatever my exes did to me, God can make me Ok again. He has and He will.

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/10342162/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/10342162/ Mon, 09 Oct 2006 21:41:14 PDT
My Mom has cancer and is going to go through a year of chemo.
As a result she's obviously terrifyed, as are the rest of us.
And as another result she can't work and we will be struggling considerably. Which means I need to try and take up the slack with a $200 paycheck.

So activity and art will be limited on here for awhile.

Only news on the creative side is a side project about my work. Might see alittle of that later.

]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/9380444/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/9380444/ Fri, 14 Jul 2006 22:25:13 PDT Mood: bad..
Listening to: POTC1 soundtrack (I love mah Jacki)


Ok so I'm bored and feeling in the dumps on this lovely friday night... so here's a quizzy I stole from

***
Four jobs you have had:

1. Scanning inventory at the bookstore my mom worked at
2. Cake decorator @ a bakery
3. Cleaned the barn and took care of the horses for my trainer
4. Working at Fed Ex

Four jobs you have had and absolutely hated

1. My jobs weren't too terribly bad...so maybe I'll name house chores, #1 definately being unloading the dishwasher >.<
2. '
3. "
4. "

Four movies you would watch over and over:

1. Pirates of the Caribbean
2. The classic StarWars movies (3-6)
3. Madagascar
4. Shrek 2

Four places you have lived:

1. Been in GA all my life
2.
3.
4.

Four TV shows you love to watch:

1. Stargate SG-1
2. Jay Leno (so shoot me, he's entertaining)
3. Smallville
4. Gillmore Girls

Four places you have been on vacation:

1. Panama City FLorida
2. Sarasota Florida
3. Keystone Colorado
4. Chincoteague Island, Va <3

Four websites I visit daily:

1. deviantART
2. BAF
3. xanga (I like to read journals)
4. my bank accounts (such a dweeb)

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Pizza...DUH
2. Banana related...stuff
3. Fried Okra
4. Pomegranate

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. On that God-forsaken-spitof-land sitting in the sand watching Will, Jack, Norrington and Eliz chase eachother with swords...
2. Anywhere but here...maybe with Scorp
3. Some place sunny
4. With my freakin HUSBAND. Where the heck is that dude anyways?!

Four things I always carry with me:

1. my clothing...?
2. my watch
3. water
4. a hairband? (sometimes I forget though)

Four things I couldnt live without:

1. God (I'd be dead for sure by now)
2. sunlight
2. horses (it's in my blood)
4. ferrets (can't live without those adorable joyful little furry critters)

Four things I wouldnt want to live without:

1. God...again
2. horses
3. friends
4. the internet

Four things I have learned to live without just fine:

1. Sugar -_- as much as I hate it
2. TV
3. money
4. breakfast - haha

Four things I would change if I could: (it's really tempting to put people down here...)

1. the way people view love and sex
2. selfishness ......selfish people
3. insensitivity
4. my psychoticness...

Four places I want to go that others think is questionable

1. Egypt
2. Various Middle Eastern countries
3. St Vincent
4. Israel

Four things that make me go 'Hmm'

1. at the moment...boys
2. Insensitive people (what is their deal anyway?)
3. having a short paycheck
4. people who don't follow through

Four things I like to see in an artist:

1. An ability to display strong feelings through their art, well
2. an ability to mirror reality very well (I love realisim)
3. humility
4. an openess to teach others what they know about art

Four qualities I treasure in others:

1. Innocence
2. Loyalty
3. Honesty
4. humility (doesn't fight against authority)

Four qualities I need to change in myself:

1. Stop sleepin so much and bummin around the house
2. Stop procrastinating and do the things I want to in my life (can we say septum?)
3. Get some freakin chemical tests done to see what's wrong with my body
4. that's all folks


OK........I feel alittle better now.
Time to go get a shower ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/9306765/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/9306765/ Fri, 07 Jul 2006 21:59:18 PDT
I was actually doing some drawing at work this past week. Dray saw it and was quite fascinated by my cutesy-horses. I should scan them.

My scanner went down again though and I have a whole folder of paper on top of it to scan... >.<

And I still owe people drawings...uhg.

It was like the creative life in me was sucked out after all those bad things happened this spring. I'm just starting to get it back. Bear with me. ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/9121016/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/9121016/ Mon, 19 Jun 2006 22:51:30 PDT Mood: sitting in the dark blasting POD. Meh.
Song: Boom

Alright so... it's been way too long since I updated.

I was pretty upset tonight, everything seemed ok tonight coming home from work, but I was in the hall taking the laundary out and my dad just erupts into slamming things around and swearing...
I dropped my laundary ,went to my room and slammed the door. I want to be away from him.... FAR away. I'm starting to remember why I hate being around him.

Now I know why though, no one understands what I go through. Because I'm working with him now, I see how he acts around everyone. He's always so talkative and congenial, helpful, etc. It makes me want to barf that he can't treat his own family like that behidn closed doors.
Especially his daughter.
He's already pretty much lost me, and I can't say I'm too torn up about it anymore.


Anyways. Work? Work is actually really good. You know it's crazy when you look forward to work everyday. When life at work is better than life at home.
I'll go into more detail about work at another time... because it's definately interesting.
Tonight was kinda rough though. I got pulled into my bosses office like 4 times... luckily I wasn't truly "in trouble" but it still kinda felt like it. I need to keep up my game on being a hard worker though....She gave me some big compliments though. I'm glad she atleast appreciates me.

The flip side of work is that litterally out of the blue this week I am getting a social life.
There are ALOT of people at FedEx. Way more than I expected. And I've been thrown in an area of the terminal in which there are ALOT of guys. I have to deal with anywhere between 30-45 a DAY.
Can I also say that I didn't know there were so many CUTE guys at FedEx? When I first came here I saw a few but I was able to keep my focus on my work. That became harder though when my work IS the cute guy... having to do their paperwork standing 2 feet from them. Yeah.... alot harder.
And there are several, but there's always one I single out. And I did. And then? Like two days later my coworker, Sharon decides to tell him I like him. I wasn't gonna say a word.... I mean I didn't see much of a point, it's not like I need a b/f right now. Just keep my mouth shut and maybe it would just kinda run it's course and be over. Well she told him. I wanted to die >_< I seriously wanted to crawl under the desk. My face was red all night...and everyone was asking why I kept smirking.
So the next night? Low and behold he comes up to me and starts talking.Thennnn "You should let me take you out sometime..."

O_O

I swear my jaw almost hit the desk. He's been so quiet and low key. I haven't been that shocked in quite a long time. You see....it's not supposed to work this way for me. All the guys I had my eye on when I was younger? Utterly ignored me, or gave me just enough attention to be "nice". And this dude wants my number and to take me out and all this stuff...
Yeah, the security camera probably caught my victory dance after that... I hope who ever saw it wasn't laughing too hard.
We're definately gonna hang out, cuz I can't pass this up. I asked if he wanted to hang out this past weekend, I figured why the heck not... if I have nothing to do all the time.
OH
YEAH

Haha...everyone at work thinks I'm nuts. Sharonda turned around in her seat and stared at me "Girl...did you SERIOUSLY just jump up and down?"
"Hehe"
"You're trippin"
"Just keep in mind...you haven't seen him "



If you had told me...3 months ago that
I would have a well paying job
I would be close to commuting on my own
I'd be paying my insurance
I'd be making friends that I saw everyday
I'd be stalked by the package handlers
I would be happy actually for a change...
And the guy I liked would ask me out?

I'd have thought you were nuts.

Funny. Terry made the comment tonight to me "All good things come to those who wait."

Kind of ironic.

-Out ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8773239/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8773239/ Sun, 14 May 2006 22:12:20 PDT
In an effort to get the other entry off the page (technical difficulties with the person who was supposed to *cough* read it, here is a half effort update...

I start work tomorrow.
Goodie.....I also have to be there several hours early... because of schedule conflicts. So I'll be at the warehouse a total of 8 or more hours...

I also *happen* to have to go to downtown Atlanta to see the surgeon yet AGAIN. Because I'm having some unusual pink drainage when I should be *healed*.
*sighs*

It's just going to be a very busy day and I'm not looking forward to it. I haven't been feeling up to par this week and I'm really worried about not being able to hanlde the workload at this job...

I'll update later on after I've had a few days to adjust.

-out ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8636378/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8636378/ Sun, 30 Apr 2006 23:27:00 PDT announcement/apology for something.
I don't think I'm going to be taken seriously until I do.


To whom it may concern

I should apologize for what seems to be a common problem with me... my mouth. It's actually always been a problem, but that's no excuse.

I have read and heard things, that have a right to remain private from certain other indeviduals.
And then I've gone and mentioned them to those exact indeviduals.

They've been small insignificant things, and a few larger things. Both I should have used more discretion.
I can't keep my mouth shut and it's not right. I can keep a secret, and yet I blab about other things... it doesn't make sense.

Bottom line: I'm sorry about my mouth problem and my constant divulging of private information simply for my own selfish reasons.
With that said there are some things that should never be private, if you express that you plan to slit your wrists and jump off a cliff rest assured... I WILL tell somone.
And if you ever wound up in something illegal, or planned to do something of the sort, I would tell somebody. Just like I would do with any of my friends...

Otherwise... I'll do my best to keep my mouth shut.
I know it's caused problems probably for us. You obviously don't feel like you can trust me at all.
So I'm making it public that I'm inciting a change and plan to do better. Honestly.
You should be able to trust me just as much as my own friends do, if not more.

So... please take this apology and keep in mind that I'm not perfect, but I realize I made mistakes that were not so great for our friendship (orwhatever you want to call it). And that I intend to try harder.


(This entry will be deleted after a satisfactory amount of time so my watchers won't have to sift through my personal issues with others.) ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8556461/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8556461/ Sun, 23 Apr 2006 00:36:53 PDT
The other day...
Scorp) I desire teh soda
Me) I desire.... Germans
Scorp) lol, that sounded wrong
Me) You know what I meant...
Scorp) It still sounded wrong

Actually I just meant I wish they'd all come back...but yeah.

Bjorn was probably the best thing to happen to my family in quite a long time. Our family has been strained and stressed for so long, and once Bjorn got here it was just so different. Maybe it would be weird to get all "it changed my LIFE mannnnnn" but it did impact our family alot. In a good and surprising way... so if you happen to see this Bjorn, know that.

And bring me some more chocolate... j/K

I have way too many regrets though with this...
I should have taken pictures...lots more pictures. I only have about 6 pictures really to remind me of this event. And he stayed in my freakin house for 2 weeks.
I should have taken videos....I was going to and totally fudged on it... and thus of course lost the chance to get Bjorn's oh so nice accent on tape to play when I'm lonely
I'm kinda kidding. I'm not a stalker. But I wouldn't mind a few more loooooooong conversations.
I shouldn't have been so shy.
Here I was trying to be all "appropriate" didn't wanna make the little teenage boy feel like the creepy older sister was hitting on him, seeing as he has a g/f and all. Who the heck was I kidding? Probably nothing I could do would shock the boy... and here I was going "Ok, to hug or not to hug" in the group pictures. He finally pointed it out the morning he left
"Oh come on....." *squish*
me= .....

haha ok, so not quite, but alittle. It's just a shame I realized I was too shy, too late.

Ah but it was good times.... the first week was alittle rough because of their utterly jam packed schedule. I'd hear him get up in the mornings and then I'd see him at night before he went to bed.
Week two got better. We had the night where he sat up with me and mom and we talked about German politics, patriotisim, American and German stereotpypes, etc. He was perfectly content to sit there and yack and yack about all that stuff with us. It really is intresting to hear actual views from people in other countries.
Then there was the night after the ball game, he was of course quite excited to go to something so "American". He enjoyed it throughly, even if he had no idea why people would jump to their feet and scream a whole bunch. So we stood in the kitchen with the chocolate cake and talked baseball.
Then my favorite night, the night before he left. Where he came out of the bedroom after my brother had fallen asleep and we stayed up and watched Jay Leno.... and of all things they were talking about the woman on the highway in LA with a fake penis strapped to her nose...
So I'm sitting there with my face in my hands going "oiy" and Bjorn's cracking up. I'm like........."Welcome to American TV"
And then we sat in my bedroom for....who knows how long. Downloading and listening to all sorts of patriotic songs and such. Bon Jovi version of one of the songs? Not so good... It was alot of fun though.
It took forever, 2 weeks, but I finally got alittle time with him.
oh! Let's not forget the afternoon sunday walk, looking at big "Gone with the Wind" houses and talking about castles and moving on in life after highschool. More good times...
Plus the beeping SUV driver. Whoever the heck they were.


Bjorn said they may come back this summer or next...
YES, please do so... ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8505962/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8505962/ Tue, 18 Apr 2006 00:30:29 PDT
Got the quiz from :blinkdabunny:

100 THINGS ABOUT ME

1. Full Name:
2. Nicknames: eh -_- "Weasle" "allergy" (long story), "teek" "teeky girl" "the Georgia girl" "Peanut" "Snowflake" "Queen" (that's an actual title though) and of course the ever classic "Nooblet"/"nublet"
3. Birthday: Jan 25th
4. Place of Birth: Atlanta Ga
5. Zodiac Sign: dunno, dun care
6. Male or Female: funny you ask..
7. Grade: eh? None.
8. School: Home schooled and loved it.
9. Occupation: "I ocupy space" Ok so...I'm going to be working soon? Just no sure where
10. Residence: Georgia
11. Screen Name: I have alot... and I ain't given em out cuz of the weirdos floating around here.
I swear one of these days, you ask me something dirty and I WILL blast your computer into cyber trashland.

__MY APPEARENCE__

12. Hair Color: brown (red at heart I say...)
13. Hair Length: um....well I wanna say last time I measured it it was like 36 inches?
14. Eye color: blue
15. Best Feature: ask different people and you get different things.
17. Braces?: not anymore
18. Glasses?: I have perfect vision.....*gloat*
19. Piercing: right nostril, 18g some others in the works...
20. Tattoos: no
21. Righty or Lefty: righty


___MY 'FIRST'___

22. First best friend: serious one? Stephanie
23. First Award: probably my first ribbon at my first horse show in 1992 or 3. GOt 3rd.
24. First Sport You Joined: ballet
25. First pet: Rooster & Scooter. Siberian hamsters
26. First Real Vacation: Can't remember. But the Florida ones were always memorable.
27. First Concert: Hanson Oh the memories... best concert ever.
28. First Love: Kevin Freedman (watch him freak if he sees this)


___ FAVORITES___

29. Movie: I'll keep it simple and say Stargate
30. TV Show: Goof Troop and Stargate SG1
31. Colors: cyan
32. Rapper: eh, dunno. I like Sonny from POD but I dunno if that's considered rap or not. Dc talk was pretty good too.
33. Band: If you don't know that by now...... *sighs* HANSON
34. Song Right now: Right now? Uh... Masterpiece Conspiracy, or maybe the Messanjah (POD)
35. Friend:that's kinda...not nice.
36. Candy: Some of that milk chocolate Bjorn gave me Bring me some more boy!
37. Sport to Play: Dressage/combined training. Yes that IS a sport.
38. Restaurant: Pizza Hut? Red Lobster is good. So is Bahama Breeze and on The Boarder
39. Favorite brand to wear: Mm.......Express works well for me. Some Tripp, also LipService dresses.
40. Store: Do online ones count? Romantasy.com makes me drool. I can't think of a fav right now.
41. School Subject: Ancient history...or something like that.
42. Animal: Horses and ferrets
43. Book: Um... there are ALOT to count. I'll just cop out and take an easy honest answer... the Bible (the Message version )
44. Magazine: JAH is good (Breyer mag) I want some of those CGones and those renaissance ones!
45. Shoes: mah lace up boots. Or maybe my clear heels.

___CURRENTLY___

46. Feeling: tired. Apprehensive (meeting a friend tomorrow) Lonely...miss Bjorn.
47.
48. Have a crush: NO are you kidding after what I just went through?!
49. Eating: nothin
50. Drinking: blood. Ok ok......water. It was just a boring answer.
51. Typing: Typing? "Yeah heck I'd love that..." (makes you wonder doesn't it?)
52. Online?: ....stupid question
53. Listening To: stupid Ford Beep Beep song is stuck in my head
54. Thinking About: How I have to pee. Going to the mall tomorrow, what to wear and wishing Bjorn would hurry up and send me a message back on ICQ! >
55. Wanting To: Pee. Seriously.
... ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8298914/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8298914/ Tue, 28 Mar 2006 20:10:14 PST I really *really* wanted to say "Teh German is coming!" but I didn't know if that was very polite

Ok so you know when my brother went to Germany last year for springbreak and stayed at a house with a boy and his family? The guy (Bjorn) is coming to stay with us... tomorrow afternoon. I of course think part of this is hilarious, because my parents are SO self concious about our messy house (small house, 4 people, 2 teenagers) that for YEARS they have banned us from having any friends set foot inside. I'm serious.... no friends allowed, my mother wouldn't let my ex set foot inside the house when we were dating, we had to sit in the car out on the drive way. So it takes a foreign exchange student to FORCE them into letting someone in.
Our house really isn't THAT bad...compaired to other families in similar situations.
*shakes head*
I can't convince them that he won't judge us though. (But seriously, what teenage boy cares? As long as he has a place to eat and sleep and a clean place to shower) So they're stressed. I'm rather curious... cuz it'll be weird living in the same house with a random teenage boy for 2 weeks. Maybe fun though... if my brother doesn't sweep him away most of the time... I have this feeling he's deathly afraid I'll say something stupid to Bjorn so he wants us to interact as little as possible. Pleh... hopefully it'll be fun though.

Um... other news. I'm thinking about just deleting most of the stuff in mymessage folder and starting over... I've got like 61 deviations to sift through and 27 journals. And most of the time I'd comment on each one... but I just don't feel up to it.
I'm just now getting over that awful stomach flu I've had, plus I've been cleaning the house due to Bjorn. I'm just......well I'm trying to get out more. Once I'm fully healed from surgery I will definately be looking into getting a job. I need the money and the idenpendance. I've gotta stop being lazy, I want alot for my life, and I'm not gonna make it happen if I get used to sitting around and having people take care of me.

But either way life just isn't going to be the same anytime soon. No matter what I do, it doesn' change what's happened... the guy I love choose another girl, behind my back. He loves her, he's there for HER, he calls HER, he comforts HER, he calls HER sexy, he teases HER now. It's all changed. I feel like the casualty of a drive by shooting or something.........lying on the ground going "WTH?!!" He never even sent me my Christmas gift, the gift he wrote a note in, the note he wanted me to read in front of my praents on Christmas morning. He never got me a BD present, never called me. He loves another girl....
Because to him love's a feeling, and when you loose that feeling, what can you do? You just move on.

....
He's got alot to learn about love.
Despite all this junk though I'm pretty distraught to learn just how much I DO love him. I won't even do the typical post dating-voodoo pictures of him cuz I wouldn't wish real harm on him. =/ I do love him. And at some point I DO want the best for him. I just don't want this girl to be "the best' And I still miss his teasing, and how much he liked me, and him kissing me and me thinking about playing with his hair... and us talking on webcam at night, and us dressing up in costumes , or fighting with our swords (yes we're both nutty sharp - object collectors).

I just can't believe I'm the "other girl" now.

Life goes on though. Jake asked me if he'd given me the song Not Falling (mudvayne). If you know the song you understand what it was he was saying to me...

So life is crawling on for me right now. I get up everyday out of bed alone, without Luci. But I'm still alive... just not really living.
Maybe sometime.

Tonight was theraputic though... I went to pick my brother up from work and stuck in the only CD with my hard rocks songs I have burned currently. Got to sing and nearly scream Three Days Grace "I hate Everything ABout You" like three times. It helped just........release something, I dunno.
I don't have much else to say for now except I'll try to work on my... ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8186936/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8186936/ Fri, 17 Mar 2006 10:08:07 PST
I didn't sleep well lastnight, or get a shower. Threw up on an empty stomach twice, had chills.

Woke up this morning and had a hurting stomach and cramping intestines. I'm dizzy, I can't stand on my own two feet for long.
Currently I'm just trying to get alittle food in my stomach so I don't colapse from weakness or something. But it's hard cuz everytime I'm remninded of lastnight I get sick all over again.

For all you goys out there right now? I'm not so thrilled with you.
EVerytime I think I've found an honest, upright soul who'll love me and treat me right, I see to be wrong in the end.

Let me be perfectly clear.
You don't lead someone on for a month after breaking up with them (because YOU gave up on the relationship), and then two months later find "new material".
You don't go running and fall in love with another girl who happens to be a close friend, just because you're having a hard time with your ex.

You don't do it. It's not right.I t's not right to treat the ex that way and ignore her for over a month, and never tell her. Jerk. Yes...I'm very angry right now. And if you're reading this and you're mad that I'm painting you in such a bad light? I normally try not to but you blew it this time... and deep down you know it. I hope you're ashamed of yourself.


*sigh*
I need my friends and no one is around. I wanted to get back into being active on here. I really need to do some art, I've just been stuck under a heap of family issues.
ANd I'm starting to look for jobs and I'm studying alot about money management because I need to be more financially idependant. -_- bleh.
Anyways just think of me.


-out- ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8070160/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8070160/ Sun, 05 Mar 2006 00:13:35 PST
Today my brother earned the rank of Eagle Scout, after 10 years of scouting.

We held his ceremony today at the local chapel. It went smoothly and was enjoyable, I just really wish more people had come. Only one family member (besides me mom and dad) could make it and I expected more others to show. It was good though when a bunch of his school friends came in and sat at the front.

Although I admit it felt alittle weird sitting behind them listening to them go "Aww" seeing him in his uniform and all.


So my brother is also a milestone, being the 90th Eagle Scout that this troop has turned out since it started in 1941... pretty cool. Hard to believe he's reached the top already... so many people I know that were scouts never made Eagle. And we had some people who came not because they even knew my brother well, but to honor his achievement because they had been Eagle Scouts back in the day. I thought that was neat...

And so we had cake, lots of cake. The camera about had a heatstroke from being used so much. And everyone came to the reception and stuff. I think we're all jusr glad it's over now, this week of preparation has been trying to say the least.

... wanna know what my dad did to "help"? Haha ok so we've got this issue with him for years now, where he doesn't respect our stuff and our space. He tends to come in our rooms and poke around if he's looking for something, or worse, when he's cleaning. He gets in these obsessive compulsive modes about cleaning dusting and vaccuming, and is somehow convinced that an 18 and 21 year old can't do a satisfactory job on their own.
So he was vaccuming my brothers room and over at his computer. Ok my brother built that computer from scratch, he's got everything set up the way he wants it etc. There was no NEED to clean the room, it was my bro's chore and he'd done it the week before even...
So like normally I would go in and yell at him to get out of my bro's room. I hate to see him mess with my brothers things as much as mine and my brother was at work and couldn't be there. But I kept my mouth shut, because quite frankly he knows he shouldn't be doing it, we've told him a million times.

Long story short. My bro comes home that night and finds out his comp is DEAD. The thing won't even boot into windows. After about 4 days of research he figured out it was his external harddrive that just blitzed, it's dead....he's not even sure if anything is still salvageable in this case.
But there's a good chance that most of this was caused initially by the vaccum or dad in some way, running over power cords and causin g a short, static charge from the carpert and vaccuming too close to the computer, pressing keys on the keyboard (yes he tried to "dust" it).

So my dad caused this mess which left my brother with no data... all his plans and projects for his Eagle Ceremony were in there, school documents, pictures from Germany, all extreamly important things. Not to mention thousands of ptograms applications, games, And millions of music files. It's insane...

Stay tuned to see if this actually teaches my dad a lesson though.

Anyways, I just had to rant about that. It made this week so much harder, especially for my brother. He's seemingly handled it ok though and got the job done anyway.

So here's to my little bro, official Eagle Scout for life.
A very big honor,


(PS: my subscription expires in a day and a half =/ It was good while it lasted... too bad I couldn't be more active.

*** Friends and Great artists***
http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/8014157/ Mon, 27 Feb 2006 01:24:54 PST Pre warning: I am going to be quite frank about my life here. So prepare or ignore it if you wish.


Cuz who knows, what could happen?
Do what you do
Just keep on laughin
One thing's true: It's always a brand new day
I'm gonna live today like it's my last... day

Song probably makes it seem like I'm in a better mood than I really am. The Olympics are over... I'm in a terrible mood.
So anyways I got to thinking tonight about what I would do if I learned two months from now I only had one day left. Or if I learned tomorrow was my last day... what would I want right NOW?
We all have those lists in the back of our minds of stuff we'd like to do before we die, but this isn't even close if you've got one day...
What would I do on the spur of the moment, what are the things that are important to me at this moment in time?
All I can think about if I had one day left is the main relationships in my life right now and how I would change them. Would I change something about my relationship with my brother? Would I tell him everything I need to, (which is not humanly possible in one day) and get everything fixed quick enough to say goodbye? And Luci, oiy. If I had one day left most of it would be spent with him in his town. I'd fly up there and stay as long as time permitted. What would we do if it was my last day? If I would never see him again. (unlike some of my other friends) Would I spend most of my energy trying to get him to open up and talk to me like he used to on those late summer nights? Or would we just spill everything and hug and cry all evening... How do you let someone know how much you love them when you only have a day to prove it? Would finally kissing him tell him? Would touching his face tell him? Would he tell me what I need to hear?

Such is my thought process right now. Funny how music jump starts my brain into motion again. It's been numb and stagnant all week and now suddenly bursts of intellectual and thoughtful... thoughts.
In other news the Olympics are over and I'm not pleased about it. I love the Olympics. Sports....pushing yourself, sweat, competition, preassure.
Boy do I miss all that -_- I miss being able to say I'm an athlete. I miss always getting over my failures by looking to the next competition. It's great to see the skiing, reminds me of us skiing on those vacations in Colorado. And seeing snowboarding makes me want to try... even though I know it's much tougher than it looks, those boards are huge...
And watching the figure skating already had me doing spirals and toeloops and half flips in my livingroom. Tried a salchow.... foot hit the treadmill....stopped doing that. I miss skating, and I watched so much more of the Ice Dancing this year. I took Ice Dancing lessons for a couple of months with my brother, now mind you we were major ametures, but I like the simplicty of it compaired to some of the other things. Although I admit the steps are anything but simple. Twizzles...*shudder* And DUDE that girl Tanith? Is she not the sexiest girl on the ice? Everytime Isee her in the original dance she reminds me of that girl from the Black Eyed Peas... exotic and sexy but with flare and playfulness galore. It's all in her manner and her face, how she carries herself. And to think she's my age...
Well that's plain depressing.

Sooooo, with that said.
Anything else?
Well I'm alittle frustrated I haven't done more on here since I got this month sub and it expires the 4th... pleh.
I think I'm going to make a poll though.
Alot of my drawings are on hold cuz I'm using up my creative abilities this week to prepare for my brother's Eagle Scout cerimony.

-Chow for now



*** Friends and Great artists***
~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7889424/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7889424/ Tue, 14 Feb 2006 00:12:20 PST
I'm workin on a requst drawing so it should be up soon... I hope. I also plan to do a prisma flower drawing for practice... plus flowers seem to get alot of attention. (even thought I dislike them)

SO with that said....quizzy:


1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
"enced a rapid loss of body fat, they were maintaining their muscle tissue."

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
Spaaaaaaace

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
The Olympic rebroadcast

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
2:41AM

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
2:50am

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The sound machine. Occasionally Amuba making a noise.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Does the garage count?
I went out to the grocery store with mom to refil a prescription.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? A Thumbshare forum and a bodyjewelry site's new shipments.

9. What are you wearing?
Yellow fleece PJ top, navy snow pants... and I do mean snowpants. Fuzzy chenielle red socks.

10. Did you dream last night?
Oddly enough I can't remember it.

11. When did you last laugh?
Well...out loud it was probably earlier this evening while watching the Olympics with mom.
Or maybe when Ry just said something funny online.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Um... what part of the room? Cream paint. My homecoming corsage from 2001... an old oilpainting of trees..

13. Seen anything weird lately?
I always see weird things. I passed a really creepy guy on the street while walking today... and he didn't even look at me (we were 2ft apart) like he didn't see me.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
It's occupying me for the moment.

15. What is the last film you saw? In the theatres?
Oh gosh... probably Narnia.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
I'd save >.> Might pay off some debts. Then I'd hide /save the rest... cuz heaven knows my dad would be asking for some cash. >.<
If I wanted to splurge I might just go out and buy a really fancy blooded dutch breed horse or Lippizan.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
Um...I love the Flying Tomato's hair?....seriously,that's some red fluff right there. lol

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Get rid of all the tyrannical rulers? I dunno, takes some thought and not everyone here would agree with my methods.

19. Do you like to dance?
Yes. Wish I'd taken dance when I was younger and less self concious.

20. George Bush:
Give him a break, every other presedent we've had in the last decade has made some big mistakes. Stop acting like his are worse. And for heaven sakes be thankful for what we have in this country.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
I hate these type questions. Let's say it's a filly ok?
I like Jordan, Jaina, Nyeusi , Zuri

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Rephrase: colt. Or maybe a ferret. - Anakin- Micheal

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? :
Yeah maybe. I've had relatives tell me they think someday I might move to Egypt

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?: "It's over, you're gonna be alright now" and quite frankly I'd like a hug too...


Well... that was fun. Till next time

*** Friends and Great artists***
http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7828643/ Tue, 07 Feb 2006 13:16:41 PST Listening to: Fingernails - Skillet
Reading: For the Temple - GA Henty

Umm... ok so I logged in lastnight shortly before hiting the sack, just wanted to get a few things commented off my list.... and I'm a subscriber? So I'm like what the heck and click around some - thinking it's a DA malfunction.
But no, it's still here today when I log in... o.o

Ok so how did I end up with a DA subscription? I had the trial already, and there was no note from anyone... did someone sign me up?

Who waz it?

<.<

>.>

I wanna know. (and thanks, whoever you are...I SO wasn't expecting this)


*** Friends and Great artists***

http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7697791/ Tue, 24 Jan 2006 17:53:27 PST I eventually had to go to bed and thought he was doing better, well enough to keep knocking stuff over in my room, so I put him in the cage. Mom woke me up this morning saying he still wasn't feeling well.
I found him this afternoon hanging from the ledge of his cage, unmoving. There was bodilty fluids all over the cage and he seemed to be in a lot of pain. We called the vet and took him there, but after looking at him, the vet told me things were not good.

We don't exactly know what was going on but the two best ideas are that
1) he swallowed something bad, possible, knowing him. And it got stuck and his intestine ruptured.
2) he had a tumor inside that we didn't know about and it ruptured.

Normally when a ferret swallows something they can do surgery, she said he was in such a bad state he wouldn't even make it through surgery. Ultrasound didn't show anything because his body was so filled with fluids.

My only option was to put him down really.....

ANd he was fine yesterday.

ANd it's the day before my birthday, and he won't be hanging on the cage walls begging for a taste of icing when I make my cake this weekend. He was begging for cookie dough lastnight while I was making cookies.

He won't come shooting out of my room, and down the hallway, then do a 180 and skid to a stop, taunting me.
He won't sneak up and bite mom's ankles to make her yelp.
He won't be dragging his teddybear across the livingroom floor determinely.
He won't curl up in my arms and clasp my finger with his paw when he's sleepy.
He won't put his paw over my mouth when I go to kiss him.


I buried him tonight with Mom, in the cold. I didn't want to be burying him on my birthday. Poor Amuba was trying to crawl under the blanket with him.

Yesterday he was hanging on the cage door wanting out, tonight he's buried in the back yard... and I signed the paper for his death. I've never had to give the order. I was always the one with no say over the issue. And she brought him in and let me see him one last time and I had to decide what I was going to do... I hated it.

I'll post as many pictures of him as I can find during the rest of the week. He was an amazingly unique ferret. But most of it was in his personality, not something you can see. ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7616165/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7616165/ Mon, 16 Jan 2006 00:30:51 PST
Apparently even though my social scene and productivity on here is WAY behind, this year is starting off good on DA.
I"ve already gotten like 5 or 6 in a week's time and several comments from random users... o.o I don't know where the traffic came from, but I like it.
Anyways, maybe it's time for a look back through that previous journal entry- and over all of 2005 so I remember it wasn't always a horrible year.

2005

*I got majorly closer with my friends, which happened fairly suddenly and was not something I expected.

*I got a job and was able to earn some money, major + that it was working with horses

*I got in shape again... people won't be able to apreciate some of this unless they've been liad up with surgery for a long time and felt like a vegetable.

I was 161 in January 2005.
I am now 132 as of last week.
(walking is the most natural human motion... and it actually makes you fitter >.> who'd have thought?) I feel so much healthier.

*I gained more independance (a must since I'm still living at home and sometimes feel chained to my front yard)
By doing things like driving back and forth to take my brother places and going to the coffee shop every friday afternoon.

*I expereinced a romance that started in the spring and grew through the summer and fully formed before the school season started.
And I will say "romance" because that's exactly what it was. It was romance, it was one of those odd fairy tales you don't think really happens anymore.
It was even more amazing considering I hadn't dated in 4 years. I finally got over the past and it doesn't hold me captive anymore.
He changed me permenently...

*I took another huge step in independance this fall. I met up with a girl her friends I met online and we spent the entire night in downtown Atlanta at a Hanson concert. Awesomeness does not describe the night...
And I got to stand next to and put my arm around Zac... seriously, dream come true. And this time I have a picture to prove it. Incredible night.

*Also got my first piercing ever. Completely thrilled over that . I'd been wanting my nose peirced since I was 14... I stared the needle and clamps in the face...and I conquered the needle and clamps... Boo-YAH

------
So yeah, major stuff in 2005.
I also figured I'd post a few pictures of the things I got for Christmas

Cape of awesomeness (and one fuzzy red sock)
[link]

Nose gems I got
[link]
[link]

My oh so pretty (fake) necklace
[link]

Cool stuff... yup.


In other news no more art has come out this week. I'm hoping in the next two weeks I can possibly begin sitting again for short periods of time and maybe get some art done, but we'll see how it goes.

I got my stitches out friday and the doctor is very pleased with how it looks currently. He said not to stress it though.

That's about all for now

-out- ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7543966/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7543966/ Tue, 10 Jan 2006 01:41:21 PST I'll draw you something.

Update
ANyone catch the 3,000?
One of my friends caught the 2,999 one...
Let me know if you did.

I need to write another journal but I'm exsuasted from being up all night trying to fix my computer with Scorp. Seriosuly, I can barely read the screen. -.-
So I'll update later. ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7513641/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7513641/ Thu, 05 Jan 2006 01:01:30 PST Reading:The Light of Eidon (good book)
Listening to: Numb - Linkin park
Watching: My MSN list to see if someone gets on...

Alright I tried to update this a couple of days ago and my computer gave me the blue screen of death when I was right in the middle of it. And I do mean death... apparently it's not just going to fix itself after that power outge damaged it. Uhg.. of all the computers in the house hooked up to a surge protector - why mine?

Well first I figure I should update everyone on my health and recovery since the rest is dramatic humanrelations- angst.

The Important part
Surgery went ok. I was actually up and about right after. Went home, had something to eat...bummed around the house. Even had alittle fun that night with hullucinations because of the pain meds and anesthesia, while I was finishing Melleh's drawing. The doc actually sewed up my butt this time too . I know I said he'd give me stitches last time, but he actually only taped it shut, and it came open anyway. Well this time he took no prisoners...I have prickly blue stitches running pretty much all the way down back there. We're all just praying it stays CLOSED this time. I guess I survived so well because I alreayd knew what to expect.

Then after 3 days everything came crashing down. Friends that were supposed to call me never did and never sent emails either and I became entrapped in an emotional battle dealing with that. Still am , actually. Talk about horrific timing. It's not fair to be crying into your pillow about friends when you should be resting and recovering.
I Started throwing up too. It was after we took the antinusea patch off, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. But for 24 hours I was plain miserable, physically, mentally, emotionally.........miserable and alone.
One thing, thanks to for being the only one to send me a note after surgery. Thanks Sara, it seriously ment something.

After that mess I will say I'm doing better. But going stirr crazy. I saw the doctor today for my check up. He's pleased and says there's no infection (number one worry).I get my stitches out next week... ow >_<


My art, along with my resolve, and my happiness has pretty much died since all this took place unfortunately. I have felt no desire to pull out my art supplies and do anything after successfully finishing Melleh's picture. (I am quite proud of that though... go have a looksy)
I'm hoping once I get back to excercising and interacting with people again I won't be such an unmotivated grouch... here's to hoping.


Now for the junk
I've got two boys mad at me now...
I've got one who simply doesn't care
And I'm just plain out tired.

Two friends are mad at me for various reasons, and quite frankly I'm just....uhg

One issue has been very hard because I've stopped all contact with someone I love very much. He never reads this... although since it's the only journal I have online I wish he did... (yes YOU *points finger*)
Lets just say in the heat of anger after this surgery issue some emails were exchanged and things were said. Details not needed, basically it damaged our friendship. And has slowly been -what feels like- killing me.

Yes now we get to the point where I'm very dramatic *makes a flourish off her forehead with a hand*
But seriously...
I count the days. Even the hours I have to spend apart and it's awful. Every single day waking up...
But especially every single night going to bed, when he used to keep me company and send me tobed with that warm fuzzy feeling that makes you feel like a dolt later and blush.

It's even worse when he's on and I have to sit there and stare at him and not contact him. Not to mention the frenzied checking of messages, emails and voicemail/texts. This may sound silly but I really do count the days we're apart. Until now our record was 6, after we had a big fight. Our record is now 10. 10 days since we had a *real* conversation and about 5 since we exchanged any sort of communication. That's the record, we haven't gone without talking that long since probably early this year or last. Every single week this year we've managed to keep convos freaquent.
My resolve is weakening considerably. I always wonder about his. I really do miss him and as furious as I've been I'm wondering which will win out -_-
Those emails serve to remind me why I'm doing this, but even more often, every night serves to remind me what I... ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7407461/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7407461/ Sat, 24 Dec 2005 20:56:53 PST
Merry Christmas people!

Alrighty. Well the season has been stressful... not so much for me but my family. People are nuts around here. I wish they'd just calm down a take a few breaths. I think they'd yell at me if I even suggested that though.

I sent out cards this year though which I haven't done in forever. And I got to send a package to my (former) boyfriend too, although that was last minute... last nail-biting minute.

And I've finally gotten back into the art phase. I've just had so much to do (I got sick, and then I've had a ton of cleaning to do, not only do I have to clean for Christmas, but I have to clean everything that I won't be able to handle after surgery ). I've had several art ideas but none have materialized... although I DID finally get a good big pallete for my watercolors I've decided to go back to my beloved Prisma pencils for my next few art ideas. The Derwents are ok for some things but I'm really in the mood for brighter more heavily colored smooth art.


Art
Christmas drawing? <ending>
Melleh's 1st drawing
Melleh's 2nd drawing

~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7350525/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7350525/ Mon, 19 Dec 2005 00:28:19 PST _<
I was lazy and was tired of using our regular shampoo but remind me never to use Tgel again...gag

Christmas is coming

We FINALLY got our tree today. Probab;y the latest we've ever gotten it. It's not as fat as I prefer, but it's decent. It smells wonderful though, just cutt 3 days ago

And more good news: I have been able to get my comp online, although it's slightly iffy with the conncection. ANd thanks to Scorp my SCANNER is FIXED. My origianl scanner...so it's hooked up and running like a charm. I scanned a wad of pictures the other night and was so pleased.

Is anyone doing that Deviant art Card project? I really really wanted to do it this year but I got sick last week =/ so my submission was a day late. I hope they get it in time... I'll post the scanned pics of the cards soon.
I'm continuing to slowly work on art. and I'm hoping to get some stuff done this next week.

That's all I'll post for now since I have to get up in like 4 hours to have the pre op for my surgery the 27th X_X

see ya ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7195226/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7195226/ Thu, 01 Dec 2005 14:19:10 PST .>
Christmas time has aways been a fun time on DA for me, dunno why. It's getting kinda lonely though this year... alot of my watchers and even watchees have seemingly disappeared

Anyways as to my problem with computers: I am back, kinda. My computer is still unable to connect to the internet and it may stay like that for awhile. But I've been using the family comp since we got it up. The only down side is neither of my scanners are hooked up to it, so I'm working on that. I've got several pieces of art I need to upload to this computer.

The requests from Melleh and Cory are close to being done, well........Cory's is but like I said... scanner. I'm sorry guys I know I've been much slower about this than I should have been, but I'm really glad some people asked me to draw stuff for them

Annnd my watercolor class is over, sad
My teacher told me to keep painting... she apparently really likes my stuff. I'm excited to go some more paints this month so I can experiment some more, unfortunately I know after Christmas I won't get to do much art for a month or two (my surgery will prevent it).
Oh! And I'm getting an Ipod for Christmas finally!
My brother is upgrading to the large one, that plays videos. So my mom's buying his old white one from him and giving it to me So happy.....it'll make transfering music SO much easier.

Oh and also along the lines of my brother... he's going to be getting his Eagle soon in scouts. A couple weeks ago he just finished his project and the cerimony should be this month. Been a long road since 8 years old and a Bear Cub Scout.

Alrighty, I think that's all for now.


*** Friends and Great artists***
~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7085240/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/7085240/ Sun, 27 Nov 2005 00:27:31 PST I'm trying to hold my own and just keep going.

Watercolor class has been great but I only have one more class Very sad. Even though I never get enough sleep beforehand or eat enough and end up tired, dazed and hungry in class, I don't want it to end. We've learned alot...
And they'll have a more advanced class, but my teacher won't be doing it anymore, she's moving on to a new job.

Anyways, I can't wait to save up some money for more paints. (I'm only using the very basics right now x_x I need some freakin teal man!) Those things are expensive... then I'll get some cool art out here and experiement.

And theres some other big news, but I have to tell one of my friends first and he'll find out if I post it here cuz the sneak reads my journal...

Oh and heads up on the art, December is a special month (aside from the fact Christmas is in there ) and I've got a bunch of unfinished lovey dovey artworks I will post. So beware the romance.......


I've been trying to get back in better shape lately too -.-; although it goes slowly... Walking and not eating so much sugar. I've gotta get healthier and I've got a month to do it.
See... we went to the doc a couple weeks ago to figure out this butt thing. And I will be having surgery again.
The date is Dec 27th -8:30am. Yup... two days after Christmas. I chose that actually. Lotsa reasons I won't get into. But it's going to be unplesant. I wanna be in the best shape possible though. I weighted almost 160lbs last year and was a lard ball bumming around the house for months. I'm about 25lbs lighter but I really wanna make sure I do everything in my power to heal faster this time. Just wish me luck... it's gonna be a long road.

I know there's more but I've run out of things at the moment... I'll update later.

UPDATE: My activity on here will most likely be limited for a week or so, my computer cannot access the internet right now so it's going to take me setting up our old comp before I'll be able to get back here and update =/ Feel free to leave me stuff while I'm gone

*** Friends and Great artists***
http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/6962796/ Sat, 05 Nov 2005 13:19:49 PST
I really hate that my activity on this account has been so low (other than replies to deviations and comments lately). And before we start anything else I'm also sorry to anyone who wanted a request from me.
Melleh- cuz I'm so late with yours I'll draw you another too.

My lack of finishing any project has been from utter physical and emotional fatigue lately. I know I keep making excuses but guys my life is truly falling apart now.

Like I told a friend, I'm almost drowning just trying to survive in my own family. My relationship with my father was never much, my relationship with my brother is broken and distant and things are seriously falling apart with my mother. I'm all alone in this house sometimes, or so it feels. All my other relatives close by are busy with their jobs and their lives, too busy for me.
As of today I have officially learned that I cannot even attempt a simple "talk" with my mother over an issue. I swear..... I can't. You know howsome people get to a point where they preach one thing but are blind to what they're doing in reality? Yeah... it's that bad. And what's worse she's very forwardly let me know what she thinks of me and my life now.
I was a bad older sister
I ask too much of everyone, because I'm too needy
I'm silly and senseless when it comes to my issues with my father and I need to 'get over it'
I'm causing myself even more emotional and social problems because of the choice of freidns I have made online. I need the "real world".
I'm having problems with my b/f because God is letting me face the consequences of my choice to date him when it wasn't the smartest choice. (THAT is BS I can't believe she brought God into this... it enraged me. I made my choice whether she likes it or not and God is not sitting there wagging a finger at me. In fact, she has NO idea what his will for me is, for all she knows he could have set me up with my b/f for a REASON! Sheesh!)

So yeah, it's really hard to try and have a good self image when your own mother thinks all those things of you... but I'm trying.

And problems with my b/f are not much easier. I'm tired of not having my feelings taken seriously. I'm tired of bringing up conflict so we can work on a resolution only to meet a wall of defense. I seriously want to pull my hair out.

Oh and did I mention I'm gonna have to have surgery again? Yup... all over again. And by the end of this year too. So I'm going to have a FUN Christmas wearing diapers again and not being able to sit.

Let's also not forget that I can't work, I can't take my regular position at the barn if I have surgery. So I loose that too.
Bite me.

The only thing going ok is my watercolor class, but I'm severly lacking in inspiration. If anyone has some ideas about how to relax and get some inspiration back I'd like to hear it. I will try to get back on my art atleast.


Sorry for the rant, just figured maybe people should know the real reason I haven't been very active lately.

-Scamp ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/6708881/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/6708881/ Mon, 24 Oct 2005 13:47:54 PDT
Sorry folks... eh heh. Would you believe me if I said lots going on yet little to talk about here?

I figured I'd make a quick journal and fill it out later when I'm actually awake.

Topics:
- Thinking about starting back work at the barn very soon. I'm so low on cash it's not even funny and I really need to just breathe some frsh air once ina while.

-I loved Sept, very little rain. I'm disliking Oct currently, because it's raining.

-I'm going to the Hanson concert in about two weeks, with several girls I've never met, from the BAF message boards I visit. Should be exciting...

-I've been signed up for an art class at the local university (community course, not an actual college course). It's on the basics of watercolor painting, since I can't for the life of me figure out how to use them... Hopefully this will help. It starts monday so I'll fill everyone in.

-I have a boyfriend.
Yes yes, last but not least, I figured I'd save that for last. Surprise surprise. Actually we've been going out since late August >.> I just failed to mention it before.
Wanna know who it is? BW ...hehe
(Go look in my gallery and you'll figure out who he is)
Blah, just so you all know what a big deal this is, I haven't dated in four years period because of a bad relationship. And *he* has had a crush on me for nearly 6 years ^_^ I suppose it was about time...

**********
Update: Sorry for the delay, I intended to update before hand but couldn't. I was gone this whole weekend on a trip to Valdosta Ga to visit some distant relatives I haven't seen in years. Got a few good pics before my camera died, I'll be posting them here.
Otherwise things are ok. I shall also have to update everyone on the best night of my life this entire year... my Hanson concert.

Till later-
Scamp ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/6311592/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/6311592/ Wed, 24 Aug 2005 00:00:58 PDT First off you may notice I took my AIM s/n down from the page, but don't let that deterr you guys from contacting me. I'd just had one or two people get ahold of it from here through another link and I didn't enjoy that...

Anyways as for art news I haven't had a block but my unfinished art is piled about as high as my monitor (ok so not really but you get the idea). Melleh, I'm sorry your's has taken so long -_-' I need to color the friggin grass in the picture. Lol. So my current list of art I hope to finish is such:

Melleh's fursona request
Pencil drawing of a girl/prom dress
(I'm also close to starting what may be a horse portrait with regular and white charcoal)

I have some digital pieces I'm working on but those seem to take me quite awhile to do. I have a Beach House comic in the works that I'm coloring at the moment, hopefully it'll be up soon and you all can see BW running around in my bra

***
Life news:
Things have been so up and down it's really hard to say. I am pretty stressed right now though >_<'
I haven't been able to work since July... and I haven't seen Diego or been to the barn either.
I'm having more problems with the original incision from the surgery... yes you read right... again. At this point I'm just pretty numb. I've been through so much it's almost like I don't care anymore. I had to visit the doctor last friday in the even of a semi emergency, in which I had a rather painful proceedure done. So even doing things like driving my brother to his job interview this week was rough because of the sitting. The thing I'm stressed about though is the doctor's comments about this and if it doesn't heal within the next four weeks he wants to preform the surgery all over again. =X So I may be facing a second surgery...and that's pretty stressful. Especially considerinf I missed most of last fall because I was stuck in doors and I'm also facing to some degree loosing my job. If I'm out of comission this long Leslie might very well go ahead and get other people to take over period. She can't wait forever. We'll see what the doc says four weeks from now.

I also had a thing for a coupe months in which I thought one of my friends was going to get to come down and visit me. Unfortunately that entire plan has fallen through the floor... even after me checking flight prices a million times and making a list of good hotel choices etc. I've been really upset about that...

On the upside I've been home alot and had time to do alot of cleaning in my room so that maybe I'll be able to move in there (with my computer) by Christmas. I'd love to have some privacy >.>

Annnnnnnd another friend gave me my own private chatroom. I was playing with it just lastnight... it rules. I can do all kinds of things... censor any word I want, ban and IP, change my IP, all kinds of things XD Lotsa fun.


*** Friends and Great artists***
http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/5547851/ Sat, 04 Jun 2005 00:46:25 PDT Current Mood: ^_^'
Listening to: Got Kelly Clarkston stuck in my head.
Watching: Nothing good comes on at 3 am...

New entry, for much has gone on...

For once things have been going unusually well. I've been going places more. For one my bro has had me take him places now, since I can drive and he's actually gotten over his phobia of being in a car with me. And I did work sunday at the barn.
It about broke me... O_o
I don't think my body has been that exsausted and torn up in years. There were only 5 horses to care for... but man. Mucking 5 stalls after months of lazy lounging around the house? it's killer. By 2 pm I wanted to cry lol. It's sad... Another month of this though and it won't be so bad. It was nice to be outside though, and around the horsies all day
And we have two new horses, one of whom is a black, 3yr old Hanovarian stallion named Fengal. He's so cute, if Diego wasn't so insanely jealous I'd hug him ^_^
But I was so tired when I got home I crashed on my bed and fell asleep, covered in sweat and sawdust >_< It was nasty. I worked yesterday and the day before as well, but I'm much less sore thanks to advil. I do need more sleep though. I'm just glad to have a job finally. I found myself feeling oddly at home as I stepped in a puddle of manure water yesterday (it's been raining like heck and the ground is mush).

Friend news? Uh well let's see..... as I'm writting this BW has graduated and is currently partying into the night, on the other side of the country. He's the last of our little group, the last one to turn 18 and graduate or finish school it is SOOOOO weird. We were all like 12 and 14 when we met >_< Now we all have college and or jobs and drivers liscenses etc.
Ry's been gone/busy, as usual. Can't do much about it anymore, but I do wish he'd pop on at night and talk to me. Everyone else seems to be doin ok though.

Art news
Ok so I got those Derwent studio pencils, and although I haven't tested them on anything more than computer paper yet, I like em
My art block is also passing and I'm getting more ideas. But I did realize that I need to practice and find some help on the web for drawing expressions. It's become a road block in my art.

Melleh's request: 65% ?
Pencil drawing: 10%

Like I said, if anyone has requests send me a note or somethin.

*** Friends and Great artists***
http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/5375856/ Mon, 16 May 2005 17:17:54 PDT Listening to: Jungle Love
Reading: My story

Ok, subscription over. That was fun... for alittle while.
I had artist block and I'm trying to get out of it. Unfortunately while I had art block I had a big urge for photography, and the Nikon had it's brains busted out when my bro dropped it in that castle... So I had no camera, cept the SLR which I hate because:
1) it's cumbersome
2) it won't focus on things closer 3 feet away
3) you can't experiment and immeadiately see your mistakes and delete them
But we got a new one! It's a Cannon SD 400 digital. It's about the size of a deck of cards... it's sooo cute
Pretty amazing quality and detail too. Expect to see some photography in my gallery soon

As far as the rest of my life, some rough stuff snuck up and beat me over the head a couple weeks ago. I'll get through it though.
I got to go to our local Renaissance Festival recently... won a free dagger... and it's sharp enough to stab through metal
I love it...
And I started a new story. Not that I'm gonna post it here <.< >.> But it should keep me entertained... seeing as how it's got my friends in it
Oh! and as of yesterday my trainer asked me if I could work at the barn this weekend because she's gotta take a trip.
Can we say ?
I finally get to work alittle... even though I can't ride quite yet.

Art stuff is going ok, still trying to get back into things and finish all those drawings I left undone when my art block hit me. -_- lots of work...
I finally finished the Odessa picture if you people didn't notice. Quite proud of that

And last week I stopped by the art store and ordered that 72 set of those Derwent Studio pencils FINALLY. They're friggin expensive though >_< I hope they're worth it.

Anyways...
until later

*** Friends and Great artists***
http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/5180419/ Sun, 24 Apr 2005 20:41:31 PDT Listening to: Only the Strong - Flaw
Reading: Monster -Frank Peretti

Ok so this has been an intresting week...

First off I ended up getting a random subscription trial for DA. I feel bad I haven't had more art to put up and more time to participate. Oh well atleast I'm fiddling with the new journal features, neh?

Ahh well... So my bro got back from Germany with ALOT of chocolate. Most of which is alcoholic (he didn't know it). BLECH... it tastes like chocolate with robitussin in it >.< I did raid the Lyndt box of truffles though. They're gooooooood And he also brought back the broken digital camera (fell down the stairs in a castle), so today we were looking at possibly getting a new one. YAY

Spent lastnight doing a rather awkward Teamspeak session with Scorp and Tri... THAT was intresting. That and me hacking up my lungs because of my allergies and Tri teasing about my coughing. I also spent friday night with Tri again... I didn't think anything could top last week's night of searching a fetish site for decent leather dog collars... *coughtomakemyfriendswearcough* but we SO topped it.
>_< naughty Tri of course thought up an utterly gross idea for when I meet Ry. Not going into detail though. It's just safe to say that Tri is evil... and knows it.
Ry hasn't been around. Says he's busy from what I hear. WTH??? He finished finals and he *should* be out of school. What's keepin him so friggin busy that he has no time to get on and say hi to me or reply to my email? I miss him more every single day and it's like I don't mean enough for him to even make a TINY bit of effort.

Enough of that.
Everything else is pretty boring. Still can't ride... maybe I'll be healed in another month. We'll see.....-_-"
Diego misses me though, he kept watching me when I left today, like "You're not gonna take me out on the trails???"

Just been listenin to music and such... mainly the stuff Scorp shoved in a folder for me to DL...
Current songs of the moment are:

So Far Away - Staind
Only the Strong - Flaw
Cure my Tragedy - Cold (such a sad song..)
Deep Silent Complete - NightWish


Oh!! And you people have to check out a little cheeky drawing Tri did for me. It's too funny
[link]
Me 'an him...slave #3. Phear me- I am Queen TK! *laughs manically*

Drawings:
Odessa charcoal: almost
Melleh's char: 35% ? eh...art block again.

Friends and artists:
http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/5078326/ Wed, 13 Apr 2005 12:55:41 PDT
Friend stuff is better. Everyone's doin pretty good right now, it seems. And some issues have been sorted out. The only thing missing now is Ry... who I assume is having finals this week so we won't see him at all. -_-'
Tri helped teach me how to use oekaki though, so I've gone to ' s board and practiced some. I still struggle with line art though... I'm just better with a pencil and pen.

We also discovered the other night while looking for refrence work - how little art work there is out there of Tenel Ka (Star Wars char from a book series and my online alias). And what *is* out there.... well......is bad.
Seriously, all of it is so unrealistically displayed. I've seen her portrayed with pencil thin eyebrows that look like they've been plucked to oblivion... Tenel lived on Yavin 4 while studying to be a Jedi, you think she actually had time or the desire to pluck her own eyebrows? I don't *think* so.. The thought of Tenel actually caring how her eyebrows look makes me laugh. She's also often portrayed with that typical "rockin" body so many hardcore fantasy women have. Please... be realistic people. If she's very fit she has a low fat content in her body... which means smaller boobs, not larger ones. Also as Tri pointed out, some of the armor she's shown in could get you killed in battle. Armor is meant to protect the vitals......duh, do fantasy artists not understand that? UHG!
I swear I will get some good Tenel art out there someday if it kills me. She deserves nothing less than to be potrayed acurately.

Ok and now for some other stuff:
Well Goten got a DA account finally ^_^
So go say hi... *shoves you*

And today is BW's BD. ^_^
All my friends are "legal" now... that's kinda fightening o.o

Artwise:
*The Odessa picture is coming along. The hair is giving me a bit more trouble than I was expecting though, thus the delay.
*The picture for Melleh is also alittle delayed because I just realized lastnight I need to get a picture to someone TODAY and it's not done! O.O

I made a new character, I'll be posting art of her soon.

I also had a really wonderfully colored digital drawing of an anime line art I did in Dec. I'd been working on it for a week, and unwisely hadn't saved it because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to reopen the indevidual layers... well PSP preformed an illegal op and I lost the entire freakin thing. !!!! I may try and recolor it, but not right now considering I'm pretty discouraged over it. All I have as proof if a small headshot I took to send someone.

And what else...oh. My brother is currently spending the rest of his spring break over in Germany. It's too quiet in the house in the afternoons, and my dad's being an absolute nut because my brother hasn't called (not a phone person...duh. He rarely even uses our own phone) He also broek the digi cam... so I may not be able to take any cool pics I was planning on when he brings it home. Depending on if it can be fixed.

Annnnnnd last but not least... my surgery. Ok I had it Oct 5th... and I see the doctor supposedly for the last time this friday. It has taken forever to heal and I'm getting so close to being 100% back to normal.
Well guess what? Apparently I tore it open!!!
http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4914292/ Mon, 28 Mar 2005 22:15:52 PST So how am I? Bored... very very bored. It is actually painful to be this bored...

Feb was a rough month and I'm still dealing with emotions from the trouble with one friend. It's going to take me a long time to look back and not feel hurt over what's gone on. Pain takes a long time to heal.
I'm also angry at another friend still, over something 2 years ago. I thought I'd moved on but apparently it still bothers me... ALOT. I was his friend... I got him through some of the hardest times of his life, and now his current g/f gets all the praise for being the best person in the world, the best friend in the world. *rolls eyes* I am so sick of his girlfriends getting all the credit for putting his life on track. *grumbles*
And I've got another friend who I decided recently to let further into my life, to let get closer to me. And I'm starting to feel things I *really* don't want to feel or deal with. The further I go... the more it's going to hurt me in the end. Will I be able to stop myself? Or has too much already been said and done?

Edit: Forgot this little quiz thingy I got from equusrevelrous:

Have You Ever:

(X) snuck out of the house (not my own though)
( ) gotten lost in your city
(X) saw a shooting star
( ) been to any other countries besides the united states
( ) had a serious surgery (no but I had a minor one? that took like 6 months to heal)
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas (it's only natural)
( ) kissed a stranger
( ) hugged a stranger
(X) been in a fist fight (does it count if it was a sibling?)
( ) been arrested
(X) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose (owwie)
( ) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(X) swore at your parents (although not to their face... and I quit doing that once I grew up lol)
(X) been in love
(X) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(X) broken a bone (my toe.....twice)
(X) been high (on sugar, music and lack of sleep. I do it regularly. You should try it)
( ) skinny-dipped (always wanted to)
(X) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
(X) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits (almost...then I injured myself and lost all my flexibility)
( ) played spin the bottle
(X) gotten stitches (yeah, kind of...)
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(X) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(X)gotten the chicken pox
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex (one guy...-_- dun care to remember it)
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
( ) been dumped
( )shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back (the story of my LIFE!!!)
( ) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher (uhh...no just, no)
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
(X) seen someone die
(X) had a close friend die.
( ) been to Africa
( ) driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire (can't remember)
( ) Eaten Sushi
(X) Been skiing/snowboarding (I'm good at it..for a 2 time rookie lol)
( ) Met someone in person from the internet (I WILL I TELL YOU! Someday I'm gonna see Kevin face to face)
( ) lost a child
( ) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself (thought, but never did)
(X) fired a gun
(X) purposely hurt yourself
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now

Fun fun...



Art-wise I've got a few projects going.
Drawing for
Charcoal drawing of

I'm also doing some rendering with Apophysis, so bear with me on the amature fractal art I post.

Got some Nero pencils, and I've used them in a drawing. Hopefully that'll be posted soon too. I like the pencils, they're very soft and lay down a nice... ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4760893/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4760893/ Tue, 08 Mar 2005 14:09:17 PST
You are the antidote that gets me by...
Something strong like a drug that gets me hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh "
I've got Crossfade's 'Cold' stuck in my head... thanks to Scorpion. He gave me several songs the other day. And one that makes me sob like a little kid....
Broken, by Seether and Amy Lee.
Possibly one of the sweetest songs I have heard in forever...

"I wanted you to know, that I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain.
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain"

WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH I want my RyRy.......*cries*

Ok enough of that.
In other news : Happy BG Goten! lol. He turns 21 today. Man are we getting old...


Art stuff.....shoved a few new things in my scraps. I was kinda hoping to keep Ashes to Ashes up for awhile, but I've got other drawings that are pushing for a spot in the front page too. Ashes is still one of my most meaningful pieces though, so don't forget to atleast check it out, ppl.

Working on a charcoal drawing of Dunno when it'll be finished though. Doing some stuff with my Beach House COmics as well....getting ready to lay out the first few episodes.


Other than that I am utterly bored with life. It stinks......
I can't go hang out with friends (because most of them live half way across the COUNTRY) and it's very lonely. *sighs*
Feel free to Im me ppl, I'm on alot more now since we have DSL.


*** Friends and artists***

http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4603177/ Thu, 17 Feb 2005 00:28:45 PST
First things first: I'm getting better! My healing has sped up considerably and hopefully in a month I'll be fully well (hopefully).

Obviously more art. I haven't posted recent stuff though because I've been having terrible problems with eye strain for some unknown reason. I try to rest my eyes but they just stay blurry/ Anyways it makes it very hard to do acurate art or even view ppl's art.
And as always please look in my scraps once in a while. I do have some cool stuff in there!

Other things...
Been down about my art and just stuff in general since about a week ago I got into a rather nasty exchange with someone I would consider a close friend (until I found out he's been keeping all kinds of stuff in his life from me for years...so much for honesty). Long story short I posted a piece, my Egyptian portrait one actually , but mainly for the fact that I was getting to be a part of his oekaki board. I've had to sit there and watch him and another friend post great art for years and now that I have a tablet, I was excited to be part of it. Instead of anyone caring about that I got a brisk critique. If you haven't noticed I pretty much critique myself in the descriptions before I post anything. It doesn't help me to have ppl pick apart things in my drawing that I KNOW are wrong but can't or WON'T change. I got mad......maybe alittle too mad. That resulted in a nasty reply from him. He couldn't help but harp on all my faults in the drawing........AGAIN, and then fuss like it's so taboo when an artist doesn't like critiques. Ok first off everyone is diffrent with their art. Some are more emotionally connected than others. My art all come from memories or dreams or something in my head....they're little parts of me. To have them critiqued upsets me. As an artist I can definately tell you that a kind word or someone who throughly enjoys my art inspires me to do better FAR MORE than critiques, even if they're ment well. But in this case it become more high and mighty as things progressed. He's talented, and is studying art in college. I'm not in college and haven't had art lessons since I was 9. But why do most art students suddenly become next to God with their opinion of art? A friend told me they're taught to think like that.....
I will do everything in my power to keep from becoming what they are.
Half of the descrepancies arose from mere opinions of anime art. In his opinion my females tend to be masculine. My first thought is "So what?!" I do draw anime diffrently and females diffrently. I think it's about time the ideal of what females look like should be changed, in anime and other things. I'm tired of the generic anime girls......I want something diffrent. Since when did he become so small minded that they should be drawn one way and one way only? Few if any ppl have ever mistaken a female char of mine for a male, so what's the problem? I think he's got a very slim ideal of what anime women should look like and it angers me. Especially after him calling ME narrow minded in other aspects.

I guess most ppl would ask me why one or two little comments from him get me so hot under the collar. I guess it's because we were such close friends and I really really wanted him to enjoy my art. I'm always trying to please him... Plus I always tried to be supportive of his art. Is that too much to ask in return? Critiques hurt me, can he not respect that and move on?
I also found out some other things and realize that our relationship is going to take a major detour. things just aren't what I made them up to be in my head all these months and years. I'm sad.......because I truly do love him and care about him and he's to the point now he's doen't want me in his inner life, and honestly he doesn't even care if he hurts me anymore. His opinion has become more important than my feelings........getting a point across more important than our friendship.
As I said it's been about a week now and I'm calmer......but depressed. I miss him so much....and yet he doesn't care about me anymore. I hvae the sneaking suspicion, as always, that he's gonna slip away and I'll never hear from him again. He'll never even look back, while I'm eternally looking back...

Anyways, I've got friends who've tried desprately to help me through this. They can't fill Ry's void but they're trying.
S... ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4534581/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4534581/ Wed, 09 Feb 2005 00:50:18 PST I'm also currently hoping to revamp my personal website and make it more art oriented.

As far as other stuff I've taken a couple crochetting classes and it's fun. I've started a blue and white blanket and am finishing a scarf for Mom.

As far as my recovery.....(idunno what to call it now, the curgery was so long ago) it stopped. The doctor said it's actually kinda stopped all progress. So he wants mom to pack this little tape stuff in the slit every day. uh OWWW
It'll hopefully jump start the healing again...
It better cuz I went out to the barn and saw Leslie. I hate facing her and having to tell her I STILL can't ride. SHe needs my help, she's wanting to get some horses in to train and sell and needs me as an excercise rider. The very fact that she trusts my abilities to do this with horses that could well be $20-50,000 is incredible. Speaking of that Dressage Today is writting an article about her training methods and when it comes out I'll be sure to scan it so that ppl here can see it. It's exciting!


And now it's time for a rant
Ok a quick one.

Doesn't it sometimes big you about certain deviants that you watch? You watch them for whatever reason. You offer comments and such on their art and try to be supportive, but they never once even give you a second glance? Ok i know it's not a rule that if you watch someone they should love your art too. But sometimes it IS nice to simply take a look around the gallery of someone who watches you, or do an occasional check up to see their new stuff. I am aware this can't apply to the big names on DA. Some of those artists have fifty thousand ppl watching them and have no time to spedn replying to them and looking over EVERYONE's art. I understand.... but when you've got artists more in your own realm and they still don't give a flip about your art, even wehn you have stuff to their tastes... it getsannoying after awhile, never being acknowledged. Has anyone ever had that happen to them?

Anyways. Hopefully I'll be back soon.
Kwa Heri ppl.



Friends and great artists:
~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4416334/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4416334/ Tue, 25 Jan 2005 23:14:58 PST So we packed up and went to have a tour of the local Art Institute. I've been curious about that school ever since I was young, seeing the commercials on TV. A school dedicated to art sounds pretty fun.
It was cool to look around and talk with the advisor, see some classes in session (and feel guilty for watching them and whispering about what they were doing yet knowing they could hear you cuz the door was open).
I do feel a bit overwhelmed though. The main point the woman drove home is that you pretty much need to know exactly what major you're going into before you get into the school.... where as I have so many possibilities and feel I haven't explored them all yet, so I don't feel I have anything locked down yet. it just feels like a lot of pressure. After reviewing the books I got Illustration and design and also gaming and design sound more "me" amd peak my intrest most. I'm finding out graphic design is just way too broad, I want a much more artsy feel, illustration is good because I do that so much already, illustrating my characters from stories, expression my emotions through my work.

Anyways lots to think about. One downfall is this college since it's only art oriented, doesn't offer me the other two classes I'm intrested in: Studies of Ancient cultures and Languages . Those are important to me too so I'm not sure how I'm gonna work this all out. Either way it'll be awhile. This summer I'll probably be working (hopefully) and improving my art and other stuff.



Anyways, got to talk to Ry lastnight as well. Sounds like he's been so busy he hasn't had time to sit down. I have to remind him though that keeping in contact with friends is important....or else you might find yourself old and well educated... but cold and alone. *sighs*

The DSL isn't here yet..my brother and I are about to tear the front door down every time we hear a truck on the street. it's taking for EVER!!! Finally we won't be fighting over the internet and phone line anymore.

Made a venture into the sewing world. Made a peasant shirt for myself. It's very cute, I'll have to post a picture.

Art
Working on a little digital art. In the meantime I'll continue to post some left over art I've scanned. Don't kill me if some of the stuff isn't as high a calliber as the stuff I've posted recently.
This doesn't apply to those who already do but:
Be sure to check scraps or watch it because I do post some cools tuff in there that's just not as polished.


Friends and great artists:
http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4398992/ Mon, 24 Jan 2005 00:40:43 PST
Ok, so I saw the doctor a couple weeks ago and he cauterized my wound saying it'd heal faster (man it burned though x_x ). I'm supposed to go back in early Feb for another check up, the incision might or might not be closed by then. Alrighty......I AM GOING NUTS !!!!!! I cannot sit in funky positions, I cannot do alot of running or fast walking, I cannot sit for long periods of time without thoroughly regreting it......and most importantly I cannot RIDE a HORSE!!! If Leslie has to wait much longer on me then she may turn to another person to fill the job. I've waited 5 years for this, I WILL NOT have it swiped out from under me while I'm recovering! Keep in mind I had this stupid surgery on Oct 5th...

All my friends have been gone. Ry in particular. I can't decide whether to hug him till he's blue when I see him again.....or dig my fingers into his neck until he begs for mercy... Anyways, currently I'm talking to Tri Link about Ry, reliegion and friendship. Glad atleast someone's here to talk to.
I also wanna say thanks to my newer DA friends who've been kind to me (and to my art). Especially Blink, since she's been there since I first came to DA.
thanks guys It means alot.

In other news I know I've been trying to keep the depression and negativity out of my entries but there's no way around it this time. Life stinks......and more. It's dull......there is seemingly no purpose.....I fight with my parents, I rarely get to talk to my brother....
My BD is coming up very fast. Due to some really horrible memories of last year I'm honestly afraid of what the depression this time might drive me to do. I want to get away. Away from home, family everything. But I have no where to go and no one to go with. My mother informed me that she won't be off..... and yet she's ANGRY at me for not being happy about my BD even though she's working. How the %$#@J?! does she excpect me to have a good BD when she working? HOW? She's known me all my life.......and yet this still frustrates and angers her? Dad's also mad because I wanted to take a trip to the local art Institude to look around. Found out Momw asn't going to be off and I told him to scratch it. Apparently I ruined his plans......oh well. The point was that we were going as a FAMILY. Mom just can't understand why I won't go with my father.......she also doesn't understand why I won't let him drive me to a councelor if it's my only option. I SWEAR she's a walking conradcition!!! She tears into Dad after he and I have that awful fight..she defends me, he comforts me and lets me know she knows how it is... she knows how much I despise being around him, and yet then she turns around and a month later expects me to go on a day trip to a college with him alone and be happy. Not a chance... is he brain not working properly?

I inconveiniance ppl so much *sighs* tell me why did thye want kids? When dad simply can't handle my peronalitly or emotions and Mom spends most of her time away from me working? IS it really worth it? I really wish I could make her regret what she's missing... I won't be around forever.

Uhg......anyways. I'm sorry about the rant , it's been a very bad day.
On the upside we're getting DSL tomorrow so maybe I'll be on again soon.

I'll post everyone's avatars later when I'm not crying.


-Out ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4173854/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4173854/ Mon, 27 Dec 2004 23:48:28 PST

I got some cool stuff:
*Stargate season 7 on DVD
*Ferret & horse calendars
*Winter riding pants
*3 art books, two on colored pencil and one on Manga clothing and designs
*A black & purple velvet dress
* A WACOM INTUNOS TABLET - WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE much digital art to come! Once I figure it out ...

I also got stuff from other family, including money, so I'll be going back to the art store soon

My butt's been pretty sore still, which is bad because of all the drawing stuff I've got. So I'm having to take alot of standing-up breaks in between my drawings.
Mom also had surgery on her hand today (for a ligament in her palm that was contracting and pulling her finger in with it). She's doing fine, a little swelling in her fingers around the splint and some drowziness from the pain meds, but otherwise she'd good. Glad she got that done, she's had this hand problem for several years.

Art:
Finished a nice colored pencil drawing. And I'm working on some others. I was waiting to post new stuff until after people had commented on my Christmas pics. Guess I should just move them into scraps soon though.
By the way be sure to look in "scraps" because I'll be putting more in there!


**** Friends & Great artists


]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4141639/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4141639/ Fri, 24 Dec 2004 01:18:53 PST

So Christmas is coming... and one of my presents is wrapped. I think it's a book. Rrrrrrrrrr I have nothing to examine , and it tis not fair.

Still haven't gone out to see Diego. He will most likely take one good look at me, pin his ears and stand in the oposite corner of his stall next time I go to see him. And for good reason.

My rear's bleeding (you guys were really wantin to know that I bet, eh? ). It still hasn't healed and today it started bleeding. Now alittle you understand, is ok... but this was enough that it went through my Snowflake PJs (my fav pair! ) and got on the couch! (good thing we keep a sheet over it) I don't know why it's doing this, but it's needless to say, ANNOYING. I had the surgery nearly 3 months ago!


Art
Ok so obviously I got my aunt's scanner working since I've been posting new art. I have alot of fun old art I scanned too, so be sure to look in SCRAPS because there is/will be some cool stuff there! After Chirstmas I expect to have some new art supplies and more inspiration to draw. I'm currently finishing two drawings:
Portrait of an ethnic woman - almost done
Woman's face - 20% done

I'm starting to wish I could sell prints. But I can't. Not good enough quite yet.

* * * Friends & Great artists





--------
"Dashing through the snow
on a pair of broken skiis
down a steep-steep... ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4069742/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/4069742/ Tue, 14 Dec 2004 22:32:18 PST It's the warmest thing I have to wear at night, other than my ski clothing which is currently in a drawer somewhere. As long as no one sees me it'll be fine..... but it's PINK! For cryin out loud.

Ok so half the Christmas decorations are up. We've got one huge tree this year... largest ever. It rocks

I haven't seen Diego in nearly 2 weeks... bad me. He's gonna make me pay, I know it.

I miss my friends... alot. Ry in particular. Lately when we have talked it's had some tense moments, and I have no idea why. Why have things gotten weird all of a sudden? ARG I HATE it!
I still miss talking though. Maybe when he gets out of school next week things will get better. Hopefully so.

And on my personal life:
Not so good. I'm having major problems with my father. To the point most people are saying the best thing to do would be to move out. Ok, yeah but I can't. I'm not mentally or finacially ready to take that step yet, and Mom knows it. We discussed it the other night. I could live with my aunt... or get a small house and share it with my bro when he turns 18...
But the truth is I really don't want to leave my mom and brother just yet. Even If I don't get to spend alot of time with them anyways. There's gotta be another way.
I can drive now, I can get away from him when things get bad, but I have no where to go and no friends around here to hang out with. I mean I could go to the barn but there's a "no driving at dark" rule and it's usually atleast a 4 hour trip total... (2 hrs driving, 2 w/ the horse). So I'm kinda stuck, and it really is getting scary. If things keep happening I don't know what will happen to me. I may just turn into a pile of quivering goo and seep into the sheets on my bed, forever.
I need therapy. I have to get some of these problems I have, resolved or atleast start working towards that. I do not want this to ultimately turn me into a bitter old witch like some *cough* people I know.
*sigh* Some door has to open soon, that's my theory.

On a happier note:
Art:
I really am sorry about the lack of updates. I've done some nice stuff just this week and the last, but I'm still desparately trying to get my aunt's scanner to work. No success yet.

And since it's near Christmas for old times sake I have to post these:

"Dashing through the snow
on a pair of broken skiis
down a steep-steep slope
crashing into trees.
The snow is turning red
I think I've lost my head
all I want for Christmas is a nice warm hospital bed"
(continue w/ jingle bells melody)


"Deck the halls with gasoline
fa la la la la, la la la la
light a match and watch them gleem
fa la la la la, la la la la
watch the school burn down to ashes
fa la la, fa la la, la la la
aren't you glad we played w/ matches?
Fa la la la la, la la la la..." ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3882709/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3882709/ Sun, 21 Nov 2004 00:03:31 PST
So anyways, things are better. I'm getting out more. Had an argument with a friend over a week ago and I'm missin' him again. I'm also getting little sleep -_-' this internet addiction thing is getting rediculous.


I'm thinking of asking for either a drawing tablet or Bryce 5 this year for Christmas. If anyone has suggestions about tablets feel free to leave a comment here. I really just wanna get one, even if it's a cheaper version, but I've heard diffrent things about Aipitek so I may just go ahead and go for a Wacom Graphire if I ask for one. *shrugs* not sure...
Either way it means new art by the end of December for you to look at

Also, in alittle less than 2 weeks I'll have a temporary scanner set up, so I'll be posting more art hopefully.

I can't ride Diego and I hate it. He's starting to get grouchy and he's constantly unsatisfyed every time I visit him on the weekends. I try lounging him but even though the temperature has dropped he still plods along at barely a trot, bored.
The doctor told me recently that I have to come back in 6 MORE weeks for a FINAL checkup... I thought this WAS my final check up! He also said no riding. Ok so I'm not compleatly healed but in maybe 2 more weeks I should be. No riding? Ok we were told from the beginning this surgery would have a 6 week recovery, then we were told 8. Now it's been almost 7 weeks and I have to wait 6 more? ... this is SO not fun.

-Out

* * * Friends and great artists
]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3719949/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3719949/ Sun, 31 Oct 2004 20:35:54 PST I'm bored....seriously bored. Life's not very exciting right now (but then again it hasn't been for over a year). I can drive... but I can't. I have my liscense and now I'm laid up with surgical recovery. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGG!
On that note, I'm healing quickly. It's been almost 4 weeks and the doctor seems pleased with the progress. The cutt is healing but it's tighter and more uncomfortable back there though. So basically I still have an open 1/2 in deep hole back there, it's just smaller now. I can sit long enough to be online now, but it still aches after awhile. I tend to push my luck.

In other news
Voted thursday. Stood in a line for 2 hours in the drizzle. Not fun, but atleast now I won't have to worry about it this Tuesday.

Drew a charcoal horse head recently. I will post it but it's not that great. I'm dissapointed with it to be honest.

---------------
And now for something long over due. Friends & arists (Scully helped me with getting the avatars to show up)

< - - - Has been commenting on my stuff since I came here ^_^ Very nice.
< - - - Fun personality and friendly. Does funny comics too
< - - - Met on an oekaki board my best friend set up
< - - - Loves POTC & Chibis
< - - - Fellow Stargate fan (with some awesome digital art as well)

Amazing art:

< - - -has LOTR fan art
< - - - Does horsey art!

< - - - Lots of Arwen portraits


< - - - Great art, wonderful pencil pieces

< - - - has some pretty stock photos ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3597433/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3597433/ Fri, 15 Oct 2004 15:55:22 PDT

The surgery went well but the first few days of recovery were miserable (throwing up, period started, pain meds made me sick etc). I stopped taking pain meds and we took all the tape and packing out of my butt later that week. It was looking good. They used some sort of tape instead of stitches to close the incision and those have pretty much fallen off. It's draining now though..... very messy. The doc looked at it today and says the thing has split open and is very slightly infected (so that would explain the horrendus smell I can't even begin to describe). He doesn't seem concerned. Says it's pretty typical w/ these type things.

I'm trying to be careful about what I do. Can't squat or bend over (obviously). Can't raise one leg or the other really high. Can't run etc. I have to admit though...I'm going nuts being stuck indoors. (I could get out but it seems it's ragweed time and I'd have such a bad sinus ache I'd be miserable)
I've read a pile of books already:
Flabbergasted - Ray Blackstone(?)
The Last Star -William Proctor
Moongate - William Proctor
Bad Girls of the Bible (1) - Liz Curtis Higgs
Thorn in My Heart - Liz Curtis Higgs

All very fun books. All are fiction except for the 'Bad Girls' one. Anyways...

I best be goin. My rear's getting sore again.

Hopefully now that I can get online I can slowly start commenting and stuff again.

-Out- ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3515408/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3515408/ Mon, 04 Oct 2004 22:58:47 PDT

I'm already thristy...and it's only been 2 hrs.
*eyes the water bottle again*
Ok ok I know why they have me do this....I mean I really DON'T want to choke on my own barf and die, but still.

Anyways I'll be out of commisson for awhile you guys. I dunno how long it'll be before I feel like sitting here for extended periods of time seeing as how this'll be the first time I've ever had stitches in my butt....or even stitches period.



In other news I am now a licensed driver (it's about TIME!)
Let's have a cheer for the ppl working at the Rome DMV!


Feel free to drop me notes or whatever and I'll certainly reply. It gets lonely in my corner sometimes.

- Oh. And let's have more cheers for my bro who was honored friday night at school for having a GPA above 3.7 . Wheeeeee plus he's cool...cooler than he knows *starts to cry* ok I gotta get off this now...

(and by the way if any of you girls out there are eyeing him and have... impure intentions... I'll personally cutt your breasts off myself *growl*)

-out-

"Shannon it's true, your horse is breathing like a dragon!" -AT XD ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3477267/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3477267/ Wed, 29 Sep 2004 23:46:06 PDT
Whew, then that'll be over and then hopefully some of the family will get to go to Six Flags this weekend with my aunt (and I get to go ride the carosel again eheheheh Seriously they have the best carosel ever). Thennnnn Tuesday...dun dun DUN surgery takes place and I'll probably be offline for atleast a few days if not more. I'm not sure how I'll feel with a sewn up rear


In other news:

Last weekend was the dressage clinic with my instructor and Anne Turk. The first day went ok, although this 'new' way of riding is difficult (my abs feel like they're going to DIE). The second day my instructor got sick and Anne had to teach me, which was ok but I felt it would have been more productive if Leslie had been there. Ah well... hopefully Diego and I will catch on soon enough... erm after I recover that is.

Not much else to say right now...except it's amazing how nicely my drawings turn out when I'm lonely/upset and only have old paper and an old school pencil at my disposal.


-out-

"Shannon it's true... your horse is breathing like a dragon!" (hahaha!) ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3395462/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3395462/ Sun, 19 Sep 2004 00:18:20 PDT
Dunno who the 1,000th person was though... oh well.

I've finally decided to post the POTC graphics I did over the summer. I'm pretty happy about it cuz it's a different kind of art for me to be doing. I've got so many more ideas right now they're just popping out left and right.

I've been having fun with some nice pencils I had stored away that I pulled out recently. No progress on the scanner though...

In other news:
Furniture shopping is exsausting. Frustrating too... apparently I have odd tastes....
Annnnnnd Stargate season 7 is about to start (next week!). Really excited about that.

-out-


"On the inside
Do you know what you're about?
When I see you
I wanna free you
'Cause you're always freaking out

We could be riding on the waves of the ocean, baby
Flying to the beat of our hearts
I wanna make you a star

Hey Now Now
Don't you know
It's not really that complicated
Hey Now Now
When you come and go
It's so hard for me to sleep at night
Hey Now Now
Listen you
Think of all of the time we've wasted
Hey Now Now, Hey Now Now, Hey Now Now

From the outside
Looking in I see your bright light
Yeah believe me when I say
Everything will be alright

Gonna stay right here when your sun don't shine
While your head's still up in the clouds
For crying out loud

Hey Now Now
Don't you know
It's not really that complicated
Hey Now Now
When you come and go
It's so hard for me to sleep at night
Hey Now Now
Listen you
Think of all of the time we've wasted
Don't ask how
But dreams come true
And we'll find a way to make it right

And if you think that innocence is dead
I'll say it's all inside your head
I've got to tell you how I feel
And you know we're gonna make it for real

Meet me halfway
We can't help but come together
I'll make you happy
I'll show you what this love's about ]]> ~scamper http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3342631/ http://scamper.deviantart.com/journal/3342631/ Sat, 11 Sep 2004 20:52:00 PDT
If you hit it, please take a screen cap, it's a big moment for me. If ya hit it and want me to draw something or whatever I will, but unless it's a photo manip I can't post it right now (cuz of the scanner).

In other news:
Sorry I'm so behind on commenting on artwork, I'll try to catch up this week.

-out-
*****************

"On the inside
Do you know what you're about?
When I see you
I wanna free you
'Cause you're always freaking out

We could be riding on the waves of the ocean, baby
Flying to the beat of our hearts
I wanna make you a star

Hey Now Now
Don't you know
It's not really that complicated
Hey Now Now
When you come and go
It's so hard for me to sleep at night
Hey Now Now
Listen you
Think of all of the time we've wasted
Hey Now Now, Hey Now Now, Hey Now Now

From the outside
Looking in I see your bright light
Yeah believe me when I say
Everything will be alright

Gonna stay right here when your sun don't shine
While your head's still up in the clouds
For crying out loud

Hey Now Now
Don't you know
It's not really that complicated
Hey Now Now
When you come and go
It's so hard for me to sleep at night
Hey Now Now
Listen you
Think of all of the time we've wasted
Don't ask how
But dreams come true
And we'll find a way to make it right

And if you think that innocence is dead
I'll say it's all inside your head
I've got to tell you how I feel
And you know we're gonna make it for real

Meet me halfway
We can't help but come together
I'll make you happy
I'll show you what this love's about ]]> ~scamper