deviantART: by:seeth

deviantART: by:seeth http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:seeth&section=today deviantART RSS for by:seeth en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 16 Dec 2009 09:20:57 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png Exile http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/28637720/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/28637720/ Sat, 28 Nov 2009 19:43:26 PST
Things have been awful since a few weeks ago. I explained to my mom that I'm not going to see a therapist anymore because it's a luxury I can't afford, and don't want to feel even more indebted to my parents. This turned into an intervention, which surprisingly included my brother. My brother lives in the room next to mine and is going to the college I plan to transfer to, but I haven't spoken to him since Power Rangers. After hours of going back and forth I started shaking because my back was so tense. My brother wanted to go get coffee with me to start a friendship. My mom took the opportunity to reveal the separation to my older brother, which I had known about for months. I told them that there is nothing between us beside financial dependence and responsibility. Now I live in exile in my own house, forced to prove their uselessness to me in every move I make. I'm almost 21, if anyone in my immediate or extended family had any desire to form a relationship with me, they've had more than enough time to do so. The bottomline as I see it is that no one asks to be born, if you bring children into this world you should be obsessed with the idea of mentoring another life. If that isn't the case, it should be no surprise when your children have no more connection to you than someone off the street.

I finally worked up the courage to ride the bus to school to take a math assessment, which I did miraculously well on after a weekend of cramming. The bus drivers in Los Angeles are notoriously unfriendly and unhelpful, and that was proven to be accurate. At one of my transfers I sat next to two old women who were apparently drugged out of their minds who were afraid the police were going to catch them. I avoided eye contact, I didn't want to be tagged as a cop on my first day of riding the bus. I'm still quite proud of myself for doing it though. As insignificant as riding the bus may seem, I now finally have a way to get around which doesn't include scheduling a ride with my parents days in advance. Next semester I'll be waking up at 5am Monday to Thursday to take a morning mathematics class on campus, I know its going to be an awful six weeks, but a part of me is excited to get out of the house and be on campus during daylight, no online classes, no night school.

I'm alone now. I had a best friend that I would often compare to Will and Grace; a sick, dysfunctional, codependent, relationship. But things have changed and I've learned that when I'm feeling so close to the edge, I deal with anything life throws me by myself. I'd still consider her my best friend, and I'll always love her, but you can only be there for someone so much when you live thousands of miles away. I always feel like things happen for a reason, and I think all my support had to crumble beneath me for me to learn that I'm much more powerful than I thought. Still, it'd be nice to meet new people, its hard to do when you're never on campus though and my social awkwardness doesn't help matters. My therapist asked me why I hate school. He said "Don't you like meeting new people?". I only have 6 classes left until I finish my AA degree and I haven't met anyone at school, its a hard task when you combine the factors of my own social awkwardness with the demographics of community college and the lack of availability of night school and online classes. I can continue to work and make the grade, but its exhausting to work and work and never have the social pay-off which apparently is the highlight of college life. I wish I could say people are characteristically stupid and disappointing and the desire to be social is worthless, but for whatever reason I'm still hanging on to a thread of hope that one day the right people will walk into my life and I'll meet someone who will give and feel for me as deeply as I would them.

Oh and to top off this amazing month my dog has fleas.

]]> ~seeth Energized http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/28116763/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/28116763/ Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:45:04 PST
Oh yeh, Happy (late) Halloween!

]]> ~seeth Done done done. http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/27818873/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/27818873/ Sat, 17 Oct 2009 15:28:11 PDT
I'm done with my parents. I had a really introspective conversation with my therapist (hah) last Thursday, and I was possessed by the frantic high-speed articulate Gilmore demons within me, and I ended up spending the whole session discussing my deep resentments for my parents. The idea that my maturity has led me to see my parents as less than heroes and that it is surprising me is completely false. I never saw my parents as heroes, my life was lived at their convenience, and I've always hated asking for things and feeling as though I was in eternal debt to them. Still,today if I were to win the lottery I would give my first million to them, just to say we're even.

I have a dad, but I don't know him. He's worked all his life doing crazy shifts so I was raised in a single-parent household, primarily funded by the absent parent. In the time that he is home, he is a stranger, and he has never made an effort to change that.

I just had two surgeries one after another. I had my deviated septum surgery which was my first operation of my life. In the time before they put me under and got me to the operating table my parents were there waiting for me. It was awkward. It's funny how people who have never shown interest or affection show up in times of death or disease to pay respects, as though their presence acts as a Catholic indulgence, freeing them of guilt. When I woke up I was in recovery and I asked a nurse for some water, she asked if it was okay that my mom dresses me. I said "ok". My mom comes in. I tell her to leave. Fuck that mess. I dress myself. Recovery went perfectly, and I did it on my own. Aside from transportation and money, they offered me nothing. Last week I went under again to get 4 impacted wisdom teeth extracted. It's a week later, things aren't as healed as I'd like and the taste in my mouth is nauseatingly disgusting, but I got an OK from the doc. I can't say I'm exempt from these shallow displays. A friend's boyfriend's mother died, and despite all the trouble he has caused and the fact that I've only exchanged a few words with him, for some reason the death equalized all that, and I cared.

Despite the fact that my parents in my 20 years have never asked me "How are you?" or "Tell me about your day", and that my family are simply like roommates stuck together by financial need I have maintained. Online classes. Night classes. Online school. Cancer, diabetes, ER visits, obesity, weight loss, starvation, depression, and never a thought for my future. Yet I have a 4.0 and in fact a member of a honor's society, granted at a junior college, but from the intensity and work load of the online courses I have taken, it isn't as easy as one may think.

I think the bottomline is that in the end you can only forgive and forget, as hard as it is. My parents will never accept responsibility for anything. If I don't cry at my father's funeral, I refuse to feel bad about that anymore. I'm only 20 and I believe I'd be an idiot if I ever had kids at this point. To even think of bringing a child into this world and not thinking about the stability of your relationship, schooling, college saving, and the community you'd be raising your child in is inexcusably pathetic. To have multiple children, and lose the desire to be a real parent or mentor is sad. To make the same mistake twice. It was described to me by my therapist as a "hostile dependency" and I couldn't have summed up my life right now any better. I'm waiting for my parents to divorce. Waiting to finish with college so I can get out. Waiting for the family to fall apart so I won't constantly be reminded of what should have been.

I'm too old to dissolve the truth in illusions of what never was, but too young to tire of grinding my ax.

]]> ~seeth I Killed Friendship http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/26949407/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/26949407/ Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:24:22 PDT The Wiki Entry

According to a study documented in the June 2006 issue of the journal American Sociological Review, Americans are thought to be suffering a loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships since at least 1985. The study states 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and the average total number of confidants per citizen has dropped from four to two.

Amazing. So much of this resonated with me so strongly. I often find myself thinking of people and how we relate and socialize, and this confirmed a general feeling of decline I've always felt. In my insufficient experience, the life of my generation and the one that preceded it are incredibly different on a social level; with my parents describing to me a rich community full of family and friends that they were brought up in (yes, they may have been alcoholics as well, but that's besides the point). Certainly issues like Social Anxiety Disorder were less common, or at least less recognized. The invention of television and the modern demands of work certainly encourages solitude, almost as a prerequisite to productivity.

The entry then begins to discuss specifically interpersonal relationships between males.

The Danish sociologist Henning Bech, for instance, writes of the anxiety which often accompanies developing intimacy between male friends: "The more one has to assure oneself that one's relationship with another man is not homosexual, the more conscious one becomes that it might be, and the more necessary it becomes to protect oneself against it. The result is that friendship gradually becomes impossible."

More recently, the Austrian philosopher Otto Weininger claimed that:
"There is no friendship between men that has not an element of sexuality in it, however little accentuated it may be in the nature of the friendship, and however painful the idea of the sexual element would be. But it is enough to remember that there can be no friendship unless there has been some attraction to draw the men together. Much of the affection, protection, and nepotism between men is due to the presence of unsuspected sexual compatibility."

The title of this this journal is in reference to these theories. The idea that the existence of the homosexual man has killed male friendships, initially seems rather limited and almost perpetual of homophobia. However, I find these to be incredibly accurate, the latter less so, but it still proposes a logical point. As a gay guy I feel unable to connect with straight males, to the point that talking to them seems off-limits or I feel apologetic for myself. Almost as though their mere tolerance of my sexuality is worthy of admiration. When I came out to friends, I abandoned all ties with my straight friends and began to hang mainly with females. I regret this so much now, as I realize that I didn't even allow them to fail me; I was too afraid of rejection I dumped them first and rationalized that their friendships weren't much anyways. I feel I've made few mistakes in life in regard to my treatment of others, but recently I've come to realize the error.

In regards to the second excerpt, I think there is sexuality in attraction certainly to some small degree, but to propose that same-sex male friendships are broken because an internalized insecurity about insignificant homosexual inclinations seems far-fetched, although I believe at some point most gay guys find themselves praying on and preying on these human inclinations. I think the homophobia that kills the male bond lies not inside, but rather external perceptions and a fear of social repercussions of perceived homosexuality.

2am. This is so pointless, but I'm a geek and its exhilarating when you have these mushy notions that occupy your head for so long and you stumble across actual professionals who have taken these ambiguous feeling and transform them into concrete theories backed with citations and studies and all that good jazz. Besides, when I bring up these findings to some poor unsuspecting person, at least I'll have it here for reference.

I also really did kill one of the most meaningful and lengthy rela... ]]> ~seeth I Need a Therapist to See my Therapist http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/26430630/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/26430630/ Thu, 06 Aug 2009 19:17:32 PDT
Me and my mother arrive at the building which homes various businesses and looks a little run down. But I wasn't too put off by that fact, and headed up to the office. Here is where I should have been more alarmed, in the directory listing I believe the word "psychologist" was missing a letter and his door didn't have a number but rather piece of paper taped to it that read, "Dr. X". But being the Pisces that I am, my anticipation was unchanged.

When I opened the door my stomach fell. I was greeted with this overwhelming smell of some kind of food and as soon as it hit my nose I felt sick. In the mornings I can't eat, I don't know if its nerves or what, but smelling anything like food in the morning makes me nauseous. The office itself was small and dingy. I can't fully explain every rotting cardboard boardgame box or every piece of awful worn furniture, but it will suffice to say, the 70's threw up all over it. Some of the couches were that retro yellow-greenish hue that can only be described in relation to vomit. The receptionist was this gay guy who gave me a sort of creepy vibe, the type of guy who I assume rode the wave of the gay movement in his youth. I spent what seemed like an eternity filling out paperwork and the doctor was waiting around for me to finish and would come out to meet me, go back in his office, come back out, check to see if I'd finished, then go back in his office. And yet in true Piscian nature, optimism persisted, and I eventually made it in to the actual session.

Surprisingly, the doc asked my mother to come in as well in order to get a family medical history. I was taken back, but it made sense, and I respect being thorough in a medical regard. Once me and my mother went inside the real comedy of my life began. We were both obviously turned off already; I displayed it on my face, my mom chose to be as discreet as she possibly could and mouthed all her concerns to me while the doc turned his back.I tried not to look at her, I didn't want her to begin to carry out an entire conversation on mute. The doc lost the game in my mom's eyes within the first five or so minutes. He doesn't address us, goes to his cabinet chucks a pill in his mouth, takes two bags of food off his seat, explains the history of the seasoned nuts he keeps in Ziploc bags, looses his pen and tears up his couch to find it, downs a few cups of water, and then finally opens with "So how are you?". My mom said he dribbled his water, I'll have to take her word for it because I couldn't manage to look at him.

He begins by drilling me on a myriad of health questions, starting generally and then proceeding to get more intrusive. I will admit the questioning seemed very thorough, but through it all my mom was kept in the room. He asked things like "Do you have any addictions?", "Any change in sex drive?", "Any thoughts of causing harm to yourself or others?". How can you be expected to answer questions like that in the presence of your mother? I was thinking he was going to ask, "Are you gay?", but at least he had the sense not to. He asked me to remember 3 objects, a rod, a ball, and something else, and told me he would ask me to recite them later. He forgot to. He asked me to spell "world" backwards, which is surprisingly difficult to do. He decided to address my anxiety by doing a breathing exercise, with him doing a demonstration first. He closed his eyes, jutted out his stomach, sat back in his chair, and began breathing in and out. Once. Twice. Three times. By the fourth time I was staring at the ground, at a complete loss of what to do. He just kept on breathing for what seemed to be forever. Then finally he snaps out of it and I end up doing this. So there I am eleven o'clock in the morning, me and my mother and this character, sitting in a floral print grandma chair being coached on how to breathe properly. Awkward. I begrudgingly did the exercise and my mom's stomach grumbled and he asked her about what she was thinking about right before. He said... ]]> ~seeth Wax Ladies and Plastic Noses http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/25687675/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/25687675/ Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:04:34 PDT
Since I can't breathe through my nose, I've been planning on getting a septoplasty to fix my deviated septum as soon as I turned 20. When the ball got rolling on that I halted the insurance and the original plan to entertain the prospect of straightening my nose. My nose leans a little bit to the right, people say they don't notice, but in photographs your face tends to get squished into one dimension and it becomes painfully obvious. My first doctor refused to operate on me because she felt the risk outweighed the benefit, for such a subtle change. She referred me to her old professor just moments away in the hopes of finding something less invasive that would give me what I wanted.

I read the guy's brochure weeks earlier and I knew it wouldn't work out. There he is, a older white man with blue eyes and white hair. His features tailored to preying on the insecurities of middle-aged women. His experience at UCLA and his many honors and awards prominently mentioned throughout the brochure between such selling points as, "let me help you return to your true beauty". His practice even has a logo, two vague faces made of loose linework, a little like Carl's Jr. After reading that I felt sick to my stomach, but my first doctor's recommendation led me to push aside my feelings and pay him a visit anyway.

I arrived at a garden entrance with leather chairs and a large Japanese painted folding wall in the waiting room. The brochure describes this ambiance as relaxing or welcoming, it just made me nervous. I was called into a room to await the doctor and there I sat with my mother. To my left advertisements for Botox, Restylene, and whatever injectable concoctions old women believe will make them attractive again. On the opposing wall there was a collage of framed certifications. UCLA. Residencies. Honors. Awards. I even read "From the President of the United States", it reminded me of the print-outs I'd earn in elementary school for perfect attendance. I wonder now if all of his rooms have the same certifications on the wall, or if we were lucky enough to be in his trophy room.

The doctor finally arrives. He shakes my hand and we all exchange the expected greetings. He questioned me about my referral and what I wanted done as well as my breathing problems. He takes a look in my nose, feels around, getting a sense of what is made up of cartilage and what is bone. I tried to talk, he often talked over me. I believe he finished one sentence and then said, "So what were you saying?". I said I wanted my nose to be straight and was looking for a non-invasive alternative. Instead, he suggested that I not only fix that but also lessen the width of the bottom of my nose and removed a bump on the bridge. He would "throw in" the septoplasty free of charge, as a grand favor to his clients. Its a shame that he jacks up the price of the rhinoplasty to cover any lost profit. Today was a 10% off discount for all nose jobs, he had his wife get the paperwork. I tried desperately to get across all the risks of repeated operations and the variable of the nose shifting again. He almost held back a laugh at the warnings of my first doctor.

The wax woman now called us to another room. She was either shocked to see us or the skin on her eyelids had been pulled back too tightly. She looked at me with eyes that seemed as honest as her husbands, a false sympathy. In my young age I look in the eyes of elders and hope to see in them, my own best interest. Her eyes didn't blink, and she wanted to make this sale. She asked for a timeframe, my mom said summer. I'll never see them again. She showed me a book of his "work", I looked at the before and afters. They always seemed to look more alive before.

I'm glad I went there today. I was on the fence about the aesthetic work I wanted on my nose. I knew my first doctor's outright refusal to operate on me was rare in her occupation. It stung hard when she said "Not looking good in photographs isn't a good enough reason, that's just vanity." You always know when you hear the truth, because it stings and it stays.

The doctor I saw today treated me like an infant, or rather, like any of his other patients. I've done the research, I've seen the procedure, I've seen what can go wrong. He said things like "cute alternative procedures won't work". He used the word "aesthetic", met my blank gaze, read it as incompetence, and defined it. He shied away from calling the procedures by their names. As I sat there between my mother and this salesman masquerading as a doctor I realized that I have no place being there. I'm not some old divorcee who needs to be shot full of... ]]> ~seeth Misplaced http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/25530597/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/25530597/ Thu, 25 Jun 2009 02:27:12 PDT
I've been doing everything possible this week to avoid starting my Modern Art History class. I've started running, okay granny jogging, just to be productively unproductive. But tonight after doing nothing all day I felt guilty, so decided to crack open my book and read the first six chapters that I have to finish before Sunday.

I didn't make it past chapter two.

I swear it is so much worse than I thought. I hate art, I really do. For every professor, or failed artist, who drones on about the constitutions of art and what makes an artist, I feel my grasp on sanity slipping. I don't get it. Some shit is pretty. Some shit makes me stare. Sometimes I like to draw stuff, mostly because I'm horny. I'm no artist, I hope for a career in the field, but what I want to do is so far from the pretentious world of the artsy. When I tell people how much I hate art classes and learning about art they seem shocked. For me, I've always drawn since I was a kid. Its just a natural outlet. Once upon a time long ago before the necessity of college, I once enjoyed art. Now my mind is stuffed full of jagged terminology and made up words that serve the purpose of classifying absolutely everything. God forbid anything ever be produced that couldn't fit into school or style.

Have your dog take a shit on a canvas. To me, its my dog's shit on a canvas. Bring it to class and it is a demonstration of the rebellious abstract juxtaposition of contrasting hues and organic forms with implications of the gritty realities of humanity, oh so delightfully underscored by a textual depth reminiscent of classical marble reliefs of antiquity.

This textbook cost me 101$ used, 8$ from sales tax which is shocking. The text is just a bunch of jargon squished between a list of artists, dates, and titles, sprinkled with unheard of words straight from a thesaurus and french terms that I've never heard of like "vis-a-vis". I like words. I like expressing thoughts and ideas through the vague implications achieved through a certain combination of words. But, I am not reading Oscar Wilde. I am reading a textbook that is supposed to give me a general understanding of modern art within 6 weeks. That being the case, I say drop the fucking 30 page chapters full of references ...(see below) (see the fig 2.13) (see the page that was 20 pages ago) (see that french dude who you forgot about because I'm too busy writing 'see-here's) ( see a gun)( see your head). How about bullets? How about definitions of words such as Classicism, Romanticism, Realism, in bold type. Maybe, dare I say it, outlines and study guides? How about creating a class that isn't forgotten about after the last cram session.

Nights like these I understand why I know so many drop-out art students. It fucking kills you. You go to school hoping you can make a living out of your doodles, and you're made to feel worthless. You're stupid cartoons are worthless. The longer I'm in junior college the more I think actual art school is going to be just the same. I can't even imagine some teacher talking about something relevant. Vectors. Character design. Photoshop. Flash. Creating the next Mulan or the next Dora the Explorer. Internships. Connections. I hope when I finish here and transfer, that I'm happy. I mean really fucking happy. I want professors who don't issue a laundry list of assignments to complete but who are genuinely interested in improving their students abilities to secure them a place in the industry.

I predict my 4.0 is going to be crushed this semester, even though its just one class. I admire those who enjoy academia. Even more I admire people who get by on D's and don't give a shit. I wish I was gifted with the talent or the patience to do something that offered more security like engineering or nursing. But from as far as I can remember I've always wanted to draw and I've always had that in mind and ultimately I feel like if I dropped this idea right here, I'd be wasting any skill or god-given talent I may posses and I would forever wonder what could have been. Tonight not only provides understanding of drop-outs but also of Gay-Rich-Daddy-Finder.com.

]]> ~seeth Yellow Light? http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/25362259/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/25362259/ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:41:30 PDT
There's been a lot of doctor visits lately; dermatologist, ENT, opto--eye doctor, and soon therapist. Humans require so much maintenance, and as a amateur adult I wonder if insurance is really worth it, because it seems that insurance causes so many complications that you'd probably die from your ailment before you even get it sorted out.

I met with the ENT/plastic surgeon about my septo-rhinoplasty this morning. I've never breathed through my nose all my life because my deviated septum, so the septoplasty portion is basically covered because it is medically justified, as well as being a cheaper and easier procedure. Considering the pre-op and post-op time as well as the fees for the anesthesiologist and operating room, I was hoping I'd be able to have the SIMPLE procedure of straightening my nose. My nose is slightly slanted to the right, and perhaps its the artist in me, but the asymmetry bugs the fuck out of me. In passing its not noticeable, or so I'm told, but in photographs it is painfully obvious. My doc declined me as a patient because she feels that its not worth the trouble and expense as well as the risk of deviation in the cartilage after and the need for revision surgery. I knew my deviation was in the cartilage part of my nose, but for whatever reason I thought it would make the procedure relatively simple, cut, align, suture...but nothing is ever simple. Apparently, although the difference would be minimal, working with cartilage produces variable results with a tendency to create more issues and even a potential to damage my breathing. She said I have a "cute nose" and wouldn't feel right about going through with it, and spent a while talking me out of it. As a doctor, and doctor of plastic surgery in Los Angeles, I am highly impressed with her honesty and priority for my well-being. But I'd by lying to say if I wasn't disappointed, considering I've been working on this for months and this is the last thing I expected. I've pretty much given up on the idea now. She asked me why I wanted it done and all I could manage to come up with was the obvious truth which is that I don't like how I photograph. She said that wasn't reason enough, unless I was working as a model or something. She used the word "vanity", that stung.

For certain I'm going through with the septoplasty, because having a functional nose is kind of essential I hear. However, the rhinoplasty potion is up in the air. She referred me to her professor who works in the same cluster of offices who may be able to offer something that would give me that small change without being as invasive or risky.

Honestly, I was hoping to get this surgery done next week if possible, but I guess it'll be awhile still. I'm doubtful that the next doctor will have a miracle cure, so I'm trying to mentally accept my crooked nose as being a permanent structure again.

I got into it with my mom today about all this stuff, in what she thinks is a obsession with my looks. Its so much more than that. I don't even know what. My social anxiety, my insecurities with my body, how it affects my relationships or lack of...all seems to be intricately connected. I will admit though I have a tendency to place a timeline on stuff based upon my physical appearance. "When I get my nose fixed I'll do ___". " When I get pecs I'll be able to ___". "I could have talked to him if I was ____". No amount of yelling , gets it out of my head. Maybe I don't even want it out of my head, hell, these shallow motivations are just that...motivation. I admire confidence, but a part of me fears the consequence of adequacy. I just have a lot of issues and I tend to be a very sensitive person. I was watching an interview with Fiona Apple and she was asked how she could write such insightful songs about love at such a young age, she responded by explaining that when you're a hypersensitive person seemingly insignificant things in life can have all the importance of a meaningful relationship, or something to that effect. I can really relate. On paper my life seems very mundane and isolated, but the few people I do deal with always win my intense sympathies or loathing. I've always felt like I've done everything, even though I've really done nothing. I've had to build up so many women after they make mistakes, I feel like if I play victim to my age I'm simply failing to learn a lesson.

Speaking of lessons learned, I can officially say its over with my teacher. Spring term finally ended, after what seemed to be years. The guy put all his students paintings in a gallery downtown and orchestrated the opening with several other galleries in the area. I wasn't planning to go, but thinking about how much he put into it and how it would look on my application when I transfer, I requested the info from him so I c... ]]> ~seeth Living on a Red Light http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/24557780/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/24557780/ Sun, 03 May 2009 00:28:50 PDT
Shiloh fucking attacked me and my homedog, Jak, today when I was walking him. Our walk was going fine until I spotted little Shiloh across the street unleashed. He crossed the street to meet Jak. I had my headphones on but I heard someone screaming for the pup and when I tried to place the voice, it was a bunch of kids sitting quite casually on the roof of the house trying in vain to recall Shiloh. Shiloh got all up in Jak's face and took a fighting stance, so by then I was trying my best to drag Jak's 60-pound body away while simultaneously holding up my baggy pants and trying my hardest to not pull so hard that he makes that high pitched squeak that would forever label me as the neighborhood dog abuser. I made it home, I hope Shiloh was rescued. My dog has gotten loose before so I know it happens and how scary it is, so I feel bad for having any ill thoughts in regards to the owners but on several separate occasions I've had run ins with unleashed dogs. A autralian shepherd. A fuzzy shitzu puff ball thing. A german shepherd. A unidentified dog. And now little Shiloh is added to the list. I think its worth pointing out that our walk is only about 20 minutes long and we always go around the same blocks. Also, every time this happens Jak seems completely curious and playful while the other dogs always assume an offensive posture. It just irks me when people don't obey leash laws. I feel like I want to get all Animal Cops on their asses. Curiously, its always the purebred puppies that have the owners that allow them to get hit by cars.

My room is disgusting. I have been meaning to clean it for over 4 months but still haven't started. Its like a physical metaphor for where my head is at these days.

My dad's car broke down. So I never got my license. Its been over a month since I began working on getting my septo-rhinoplasty done, and I still have not gotten word from my insurance. My wisdom teeth extraction is pending because it is contingent on the deviated septum/crooked nose thing.

Every week I think I'm going to hear back and I'll be starting the long process of doctor's consultations, post-op, and best of all vicodin. So in preparation for this I haven't been working out at all or being as diligent as I should, but its been a month now so I've gotten fatter for no reason at all. A month ago I was so incredibly cool with everything, I would have walked in there without a fear in the world and gotten the surgery done. But as time passes I've had more time to look up the procedure on YouTube and see footage of the surgery, post op, and blogs about it. I maintain my fearlessness towards the surgery itself, but I'm growing increasingly concerned about how my nose will look after. Because I simply want it to be straightened with no intent of becoming racially ambiguous, I feel that I have to make that explicitly clear to my surgeon because I'm sure she has met many Los Angeles noses seeking to erase any sign of ethnicity.

Oil painting class has been a fucking failure. I have learned nothing I couldn't have through reading tutorials here on DA or on YouTube. I've accepted that. I will get no instruction from my teacher (my pride only allows me to refer to professors as teachers for fear that I imply respect). I've accepted that. I'm basically paying to use a room for 5 hours once a week with a list of projects to complete. I've accepted that. But being the fag that I am I couldn't simply come to terms with all of this, plug my ears with my headphones, and suck it up. Just as last year, I find myself in a one sided emotional sparring match with the guy. For some reason I have been trying desperately to justify in my head, he ignores me completely...well sorta.

In my fantasies he just goes off on me during class and then I summon my inner Bunifa Jackson and breakdown in front of the whole class why he is a pathetic excuse for a college professor and deserved my fist in his face more than he deserves a paycheck. But that's just not how these things play out. Just when I think I'm ready to confront him, he does something that I find to be a friendly gesture, and my fist in his face seems much less justifiable. I often think I make too much of things and I read into harmless gestures as being aggressive towards me, but last Thursday put the nails in that coffin. During the group critique he commented on everyone's painting but mine, which was located on the very center of the wall. He even looked at it a few times, yet refused to comment on it. A greater man would have called him on it right away and dealt with it. But I am a mere boy, so of course I proceeded with the expected course of action, p... ]]> ~seeth Utada , Sephora, and Scissors http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/23876332/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/23876332/ Wed, 25 Mar 2009 00:59:22 PDT
Today Utada, Japanese diva extraordinaire, was in Los Angeles doing promo for her second attempt US crossover album. I woke up late and missed her performing on my local news station which would have been cool to see, but whatever, I found it on Youtube, so its all good. I'm not usually a fanboy with most things, but Utada is just...something else. I have been wearing out her CD's since Jr.High, she is to me what Madonna, Celine, or Britney may be to most gay men. It suffices to say that I was terribly excited to find that she will be making an appearance at Sephora in my hood. It also coincided with my friend who lives out of state visiting, so I was super jazzed to see my friend as well as Utada on the same night! But as things usually go in my life, especially when my friends are involved, things did not go as planned...

After waking up early, doing laundry, finding an outfit, gathering all my stuff to prepare for the event, I get a call while I'm walking my dog and of course my friend bailed. I was pretty upset to say the least. The excuse was credible in itself, but this has happened repeatedly for the past 5 years which made it questionable at best. Whenever she comes back to LA she gets super excited and goes on about where we should go and what we should do, but once she lands at LAX she is no where to be found. I'm the kind of guy who prioritizes people above all else. If someone wants to drag me to some event or function I will gladly drop everything and reschedule to make time for them. This has been such a long relationship with ups and downs and days like these make me reevaluate its worth. I feel like female friends often take advantage of me as a friend. Being a gay guy with friends that are female puts you in a strange position; you aren't quite a male friend because there is no romantic potential, but you aren't quite the the fat girl sidekick holding their purses while they dance. At times I feel like I have to be a girlfriend and also a boyfriend. Not to say that the relationship is completely one-sided and that I never require someone to lean on. The whole revelation of this event is that keeping plans and making time for people is an indicator of how much you value them, and judging from the past 5 years of missed plans and failed schedules I am rather expendable to her.

After ending the call with "Don't worry about it, its cool", I was anything but. I wasn't going to go to the Utada thing at all. But then I didn't want to regret this once in a lifetime chance...so I was gonna go. But then my hair was a mess, and everyone knows your hair can be a total wreck but if you're with buddies it looks fine...So I decided not to go. But then I decided..to cut my hair. A reminder to my future self: never cut your own hair when emotionally distraught because it really does show in the finished look. I ended up wanting to go, but I would be very late to the event, and now I had a huge whole in the back of my head because I have no idea how to use clippers. Oh it looks so easy at Supercuts, but when you have an semi-bald patch sticking out on the back of your head you quickly appreciate those who went to beauty school. So the plan ended up being: I'll go by myself, I might not get in cause I'm late, and I'll get a haircut on the way to fix my angry angry hair..

My hair was recovered, although its now really short all over, so I look like I just got out of the army or something.

I made it to Hollywood and got to Sephora with my mama. Thank god for mamas. This is where the the stars aligned, or the Gods intervened, because things from here on out just turned out miraculously. I got to Sephora at 7 and the event was to end at 8; to guarantee a place inside you were supposed to get there before 4. But hey, shit happens. I make my way up to the entrance and there is a mob of asian people outside,which confirmed I was in the right place, and the ..Sephora bouncer (?)..hastily and rudely shoos us all away saying they aren't letting anymore people in. I was pretty bummed but so were a lot of other people. But for whatever reason I stayed for about 20 minutes maybe? I was about to give up and head back home...but then I saw a group of people enter! I ran back up the stairs and asked the Sephora bouncer if he could let me in. No go. Again, I was ready to give it up. But then! The doors opened! The crowd outside ran inside, it was nuts. Security was called. Lots of shouting and pushing. Lots of cameras. Utada was leaving in 5 minutes, the doors were finally opened to everyone, not just those who had camped out super early, and it was a free for all. My mama's hair clip-on almost fell off...

I saw her face from a distance, and I was content with that. Just seeing her in person from yards away made it all seem... ]]> ~seeth Right lane must turn right. http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/23777724/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/23777724/ Thu, 19 Mar 2009 10:15:32 PDT
My dad seemed all disappointed, but I really don't care. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but these days I realize everyone excepts you to not give a fuck about anything because your 20 so...now I just don't give a fuck, why let people down? However, I am frustrated by the fact that my permit expires at the end of the month, and the DMV is booked till next month with appointments, so I will probably have to get another permit, which means waiting in line and taking the written exam over again. That's what I dread the most. So if anything I'm disappointed in the fact that my parents forced me into a position where not only am I 20 years old when learning to drive, but I only had one chance at passing before my permit expired...hello unnecessary pressure?

So yeh...this is not giving a fuck. It ain't half bad.

]]> ~seeth Can't sleep... http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/23114569/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/23114569/ Tue, 10 Feb 2009 03:46:01 PST
I'm turning 20 in March so there has been a few deadlines that have popped up due to that. The most pressing and embarrassing in my mind is that I still do not have my license because all the universal powers that be realize what a shitty driver I am and are combining forces in an attempt to keep me off the streets. But that shit is on my to do list, and hazard or not, I'm getting that damn license, even if I decide to use the bus afterward. Secondly, I have two surgeries that I need to get taken care of at this age, because of the recovery time and bone development. Both are out-patient procedures but require full anesthesia. I have to have my wisdom teeth removed and have my deviated septum corrected, the former is apparently no thang but a chicken wang from the impression my surgeon gave me and the latter is more worrisome and I'm having a consultation later this week. This semester I only had one freaking class and had all the free time in the world to take the test, have the procedures, and fully recover...but NONE of it got done. So it looks like between classes next term I'll have to factor in all this shit, because I don't see my schedule being only one class anytime soon. Despite knowing all this, my parents have just now gotten the message that shit needs to get done..cause I'm like fucking aging over here. Time doesn't stop in my room and my ailments yield to no one's schedule.

I really hope next semester is better than the last. Psychology was my light through clouds but design was just painful. These days I'm feeling so unconnected. My family is all sorts of fucked up and totally estranged in most respects so I feel alone on that front and when it comes to friends I really don't have any good friends that I can see regularly. Not because of the drugs, but because my best friend is in another state. I'm kind of realizing now that having a friend you only talk to on the phone really isn't the same as meeting with people in person. Sometimes you don't even need to talk, you just need to go out and be with someone else and it makes you feel less alone. The last time I felt really connected with peers was in high school; admittedly there is a certain sense of esteem you receive from going out and having lots of people to speak with. But I really withdrew from all that when the social high stabilized and found that having a ton of friends is worthless if all the topics you dare to talk about are superficial and you can't make a deeper more soulful connection. I feel like I'm a friendly and approachable person, but maybe I'm not. But so far I haven't met anyone at school who I've really connected with anyways. Finding genuine people that want to invest themselves into your life seems to be so rare. Socially, there just seems to be this Facebook mentality, where you act cool with everyone and you click "add friend" but that's the limit to the effort you'll exert in the relationship. Maybe its just a Los Angeles thing...

I'm thinking more seriously about what I want to do after I get my AA. I really feel like I don't belong here in LA anymore. The more thought I put into it, the more I feel like I should move somewhere else. Between the driving, and the people, and the cost of living...Los Angeles blows. I'm sure there's a bunch of small town kids that would gladly trade places, but for a guy who isn't into the clubs and the drinking and whatever else is so great about this place...there's nothing for me here. Now that I'm almost 20 I feel like I've spent most of my life, post-elementary school, unhappy. Now I'm finally getting my shit together and trying to build my confidence and I want to start living my life instead of waiting for the page to turn.

I don't even care about art anymore. I know its something ingrained deeply within my being, and whether or not it puts food on the table, I will still draw and paint and explore. But when I hear talk about college it all seems like a big expensive joke to me. All I hear is about prestige and how hard it is to get in and how the students live on smokes and coffee and don't sleep for days...and all those facts are somehow supposed to make graduates feel like they spent their cash well and dare undergrads to take on the challenge. I don't get it. Right now I just want to finish my AA, and then I'll see where I end up from there. There's a working illustrator that has a blog and this person mentioned that basically if you don't eat, sleep, and breathe art as your career you won't make it because its such a difficult career..and I do not have that drive. The reason I chose this profession as a goal was becau... ]]> ~seeth Misguided Breed http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/22423550/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/22423550/ Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:31:50 PST
I feel like I'm an ex-nerd almost. Since elementary school I've always been reserved so it naturally puts you into the clique of individuals that self-identify themselves to be nerds or geeks or intellectuals. Looking back, I have no regrets about it, and my friends were always the most witty and educated of the junior high social scene. I've been to a Monty Python viewing party complete with coconut shells. I've exchanged and edited webpage coding between friends on AIM. I've been a member of several guilds in a myriad of virtual worlds. On the surface all of the above are a tad cringe-worthy, but upon further introspection I look back on those years rather fondly. The reason for that being the fact that said endeavors were almost romantic. Its like classic nerdyness. Its having the intellect to pursue activities that required some sort of mental dedication or stamina combined with a fascination for the past and history. But these days I feel like nerd culture has changed completely. As I said, I feel like nerd culture could be described as being geeks or intellectuals. I think recently the divide between the two has widened to a point where you can easily identify them as an intellectual-nerd of a gross-nerd. The former may know some Star Wars trivia, owns a lot of Final Fantasy soundtracks, has a lot of anime on his computer, but is all balanced out by a high GPA and a devilish wit. The gross-nerd on the other hand, that was disfigured by overuse of WASD, is marked by unoriginal thought, academic inferiority,yellow fever, and a mysteriously huge ego. I would venture to say that the gross-nerd is now the overwhelming majority. Of course, my sampling is totally based on what potentially skewed information I gather from my internet life. There really is no redeeming value in the gross-nerd. The humor of a gross-nerd doesn't stem from a quick wit but rather referencing Family Guy a hell of a lot. Also characterized by excessive use of internet comedy conventions; I'm thinking of linking to failblog or edited motivational images with funny captions, images of strange internet icons...distasteful phrases born in the depths of their Peter Griffin fantasia. Recently I've seen a new trend in using "...that is AIDS.". How distasteful is that? Just reading forums and Youtube comments makes me think that if a good amount of the population died, it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Its gross. The fact that I know so much and can easily recognize some images like that makes me feel a little sick. But I rejoice in the fact that I occasionally stumble across something that I have no idea as to why its funny or relevant which makes me feel much better about myself. If I had the power, I'd be one of those people who never use the internet and are still trying to get down how to send e-mails. I find that to be so terribly attractive. Not knowing what Youtube is...god. Is that not the cutest thing ever? I'm pretty ashamed of my dorkyness. But I can't really relate to geeky people anymore. I still draw in amine style and usually naked men at that, but I rarely watch anime. It doesn't interest me at all. I feel like as I evolve as an artist my style will branch out from less anime-influenced but still relevant to the industry that I want to work in. Not only me, but a lot of my friends who were quite nerdy in their youth have totally changed now that we're in college. I feel like the change is so drastic that, people wouldn't realize that so-and-so was hard coding her own webpages when she was in junior high. For a lot of females, I think they hide the nerdy side completely. A lot of the time I wish I could just trash my computer completely but that's not really possible. With my career goals, its almost assumed that your going to be going to comic conventions every year. Right now I feel much more like a fine art major than someone looking to find a niche in the videogame industry. Hell, I don't even have a working console in my house, except for my Nintendo DS...but I play shit like Cooking Mama and Nintendogs. Another quality found in the modern nerd is the yellow fever thing. A strange form of fetishism in which nerds are attracted to women with Asian features but often limited to those of Japanese, Chinese, or Korean ancestry. If women happen to have Asian features but don't fall into the holy trinity of geekdom, they tend to be safe. I realize yellow fever in itself is older than the entry of Japanese culture into the mainstream entertainment industry, but I feel like the typical gross-nerd's obsession with Asian girls isn't correlated to wartime American-Japanese relations. I think its based solely on otaku culture and the concept of subservience in Asian women. Although I'd love to look adorable wearing cat ears, I wouldn't trade places with an Asian girl today.... ]]> ~seeth How to Dream http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21973468/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21973468/ Sun, 14 Dec 2008 01:50:10 PST
I did the whole room myself though and I'm quite proud of that fact. I find that doing things on my own and proving that I don't need anyone's advice or help makes me think that when I'm truly alone I might just be able to make it. I blame it on the fumes, but I had the window open and that perfect afternoon breeze met my face and I laid back for awhile on my bed and imagined what it must be like to have a guy there to help you with your projects. Turning a dismal chore into something memorable. But I don't have that, and that's where I live tonight.

I'm realizing that I'm not happy with my life. I'm not happy with my family, and what I've become.

I feel like the girl in that movie called "The Silent". Fucking awful movie, but that's an accurate portrayal of my daily life since around elementary school. I never make a sound. When I want to sing I whisper it out behind closed doors in the early hours of morning, in fear that someone would hear or that I'd wake someone up. God forbid they realize I have a soul or a voice. All the music I hear if through the headphones on my computer. This is my normalcy. This house that I live in, in recent years, has become so muted. Occasionally there's a funny story or some interaction that brings some light into the darkness. But I haven't had a real conversation with my brother or dad in years, probably since I was in elementary school. Usually I feel like its normal. Usually I don't over-analyze, but sometimes I do. When your "average" looking 40 year old white guy turns into your hero; sometimes I do.

I distinctly remember the biggest fight I have had with my mother after her cancer treatments were ending. When I'm really upset and am forced to yell, I usually yell through tears which is pretty shameful I think. Just because I cry when I'm that upset doesn't mean I conceded to any point made; I suppose my body just reacts to the frustration I'm feeling in my head. I mentioned the lack of communication and she replied saying something along the lines of, "it could be worse". How can you live like that? How can you settle for that life? If your family has problems why not strive to make it better? I just don't understand that. They say when your a kid your stupid and emotional and overly dramatic. But I don't think so. When your young your eyes can clearly see what could be and what should be, but I suppose once you become an adult you blind yourself to these dreams and numb yourself before you could reach an unsavory conclusion. After all, if your family is defunct, perhaps you might have to take some responsibility for that...and adults don't like to take responsibility. I swear that I won't inherit the inability to say "sorry" for wrongs I have done.

I see so many positive people in class and all around me, and I wish I had that at home. I completely agree that there is a genetic predisposition to things such as happiness or depression, because I can clearly see it in my own life.

I've always felt like I've been born as a negatively charged person. That the stomach aches I get in school, the anxiety, the worry about where my life is headed...all is rooted in negativity. My brain is wired to expect the worse so when it comes I won't be surprised. Even on my most illogically optimistic days, I still think in the well-structured confines of my world of consequence and failure. When met with someone who is painfully optimistic with eyes that seem to glow so much more brightly than my own...I feel so inadequate.

The results of my norm has me seeing any man who is positive, who talks, who has an ounce of wit and humor about him to be some sort of a God. I've always hoped that if my life turns out the way I want, I could be made an example of "opposites attract". I'd like to say its equally profitable for someone to raise the others' spirit and for the other to bring him back to reality; it makes me feel a bit more useful. But the reality is that, no one needs to be brought down...but I certainly could use someone in my life that would bring me up.

At this age its getting harder and harder. I thought after I left that fucked up high school I'd finally be... ]]> ~seeth Post-Turkey Day Report http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21709912/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21709912/ Fri, 28 Nov 2008 04:31:05 PST
Mustered together all of my culinary skill to mix three cans together and bake a green bean casserole. You really don't realize how easy it is to cook things until you actually cook them yourself. Since the extended family is scattered right now, mentally and physically I suppose, no guests were in attendance. But I think doing something for the holiday means something to my parents so we Boston Market-ed it for the most part. I've been eating low-cal for so long I forgot how good food tastes. I had 3 plates of food today...as of now I'm not regretting it, but I'm coming down from a "midnight madness"-induced shopper's high.

Outlet shopping later from like 11pm to 3am. Absolute craziness. I'm so glad I had my mama there with me. So many people...how parents could bring toddler's to midnight madness is beyond my comprehension. I'm a tall 19 year old guy, and I was steps away from being lost forever in the crowds of bargain hunters a few more times than I'm comfortable with. Banana Republic...50% off. Holy shitballs. Need I say more? Scarf. Sweater vest. Sweater. Sweater. Sweater. Shirt. Wallet. Happy. There were line to get in and to pay for everything which sucked but...totally understandable at BR. I've never seen so many intense fags in my life. I've never been to a gay club before, but I felt like I can now say that I have, instead of dancing we all just tried on as much shit as we could and checked ourselves in the mirror. I am totally not aggressive though, some people will fucking push you over to get to that merino wool blend 50% off argyle sweater vest. Feet hurt, eyes are red, lines were awful, but just for the massive BR loot I count tonight as a success. Retail therapy couldn't have come at a better time either. Call me materialistic, but fuck it whatever, its better than doing crack like everyone else at my school...

Due to some unexpected circumstances I had to hang out with another kid for sometime. Nice kid. But holy crap. I haven't been in that situation in years. I am such a hermit. I basically only talk to a few people consistently, and they are all females. I haven't had to awkwardly make small talk with another male of similar age in forever. Recently I was thinking about why I don't have any male friends anymore and that I should try to make some somehow. Balance is good. But tonight totally reminded me exactly why gay guys and straight guys are unlikely friends. Granted, the kid seemed nice and I'm not the most sociable. But it was awkward and forced, and I found myself feeling apologetic, which is awful, and most likely terribly apparent. The total exchange was like straight out of a movie or something; it was kind of hilarious actually. I believe I said "I'm not a sports kinda guy" with a straight face. Awkwardly hilarious. I feel like if I limit myself to only being friends with females though..that its a dangerously close-minded lifestyle. In some ways its refreshing I guess to have a conversation that doesn't reference Tyra or isn't sprinkled with emphatic "mmhmm"s and "ooh girl" s...

Turkey is kicking in. Shopper's high fading. I hope tomorrow when I wake up I don't regret any purchases. Not that it was my money to begin with, but nevertheless I hate the idea of wasting money, really. Everything really did look nice and seasonal and well fitting in the store; if I'm disappointed later then I'll just have to wear them in places with similar studio lighting...

]]> ~seeth I am thankful for... http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21560106/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21560106/ Wed, 19 Nov 2008 01:06:34 PST
Upon discussing the whole situation with my friend I found that I have a set of standards that I believe to be common to all people regardless of background. A set of ethical beliefs existent in all of us from birth, before society's rules are enforced on us. A pure conscious free of influence; simply seeing things as they should be and acting on what feels right in your heart. I feel that regardless of age, location, generation, we can all find God in ourselves, in the hearts we are born with. By that thinking, we are all born with a brain and a heart, thus we are all able to come to sensible and moral conclusions. That being said, I often feel that people who fail to use those simple tools are worthless. After all, if you can no longer use your own judgment but bend to the will of others, what are you? Science and religion should not be contradictory. How can a modern human being exist without acknowledging both? At this very moment, I feel that life without science is ignorance. Yet, life without religion is empty. Balancing what we do know with what we will never know, creating some sort of enlightened, childishly well-intentioned set of beliefs is something that I think makes a complete person. I find it funny that I often hear about "picking an choosing" concepts from a religion being frowned upon yet many "pick and choose" from science. When science says your sinners can be saints, it is tossed aside, but when science will cure your cancer it does God's work...

This whole thing is what I'm thankful for. I am a stupid 19 year old kid. I am not a psychology major or a theologian. My ideas and my thoughts have surely been thought by millions and millions before me. But I realize that my thinking and my ability to search myself and the world and come to my own conclusions, is a privilege not all have. I don't know if its living in Los Angeles, or going to public school or having crazy ass teachers...but I find it amazing how many people live in fear and ignorance without ever putting forth the effort to find their own answers. Some people are so content to listen to the words of others without question. Of all the things I have, I think I'm thankful for that the most. To be afraid to think is unimaginable to me. Greater yet is to know that your path towards understanding and progress has been traveled by many before you and will be traveled by many after, while being privileged enough to meet those who are sharing the same journey.

]]> ~seeth Voting! + Results http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21319101/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21319101/ Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:33:59 PST
Today I voted for the first time. I was supposed to get a ride there, but my mom totally sabotaged me. But in the past days my spirit has been refreshed via the the undying spirit of debate. In fact, almost to the point of the democratic frenzy I was in during the democratic race. So I was like fuck it! Grabbed my passport, my sample ballot, and walked to my polling place. It was so much easier than I thought, and the whole process was pretty much effortless and took the duration of maybe 30 minutes. Short line, efficient staff...and some really hot guys who also were feeling patriotic this morning. I even got a "I Voted!" sticker. What more can a virgin voter ask for? On my walk there I found a "Yes on 8" sign on someones lawn and a "Hope" sign on the lawn across the street. I just thought that was a beautiful juxtaposition I was able to witness just before polling. I'm not usually a fan of banners and signs urging people to vote and what not. But the thought of "Hope" nullifying the message of discrimination proposed by "8" reflected how I felt in the booth. On the way back I felt so connected to a community of people with the same ethical and intellectual thinking; as if this poor artsy 19 year-old kid was someone connected to a league of great men and women. It just makes me think I should be more open about my sexuality. Given circumstances, I haven't been. I never really understood the whole "out and proud" kind of thinking. I always felt that its no big deal, and certainly isn't worth the special attention. But now I realize that for every minority that is out there living their lives, there are a handful of people actively campaigning against and protesting their freedoms. By being more "out" than I am, with classmates, friends, whatever, hopefully their relationship with me will be able to change minds. If my sexuality makes it just a little easier for those after me or forces someone who knows me to think about the issues just a little bit more, than I feel like my life has a greater purpose. Seeing Prop 8 on the ballot, I forced myself to read it twice, to imprint its words unto my mind so when the day comes when it is no longer an issue, I can clearly look back on my first time voting as a gauge of societal progress. I think I'll update after I get back from class this evening when results begin to come in. But at this very moment, I feel incredibly happy and purposeful and even if the world disagrees with me, I don't want it to tarnish all that I felt this morning.

11/5 3:32AM- Okay. I can't stay up any longer to see how Prop 8 turns out. Been up since 8. At the moment Yes 51.8% No 48.2%. Disappointing of course, but the gap seems to be closing slowly. I'm hearing things about the possibility of the Prop being overturned anyways if it does pass, so yeh. Eventually it'll work out, just a generation away I think. But going to sleep focusing on the spectacular victory, and not the minor set back. Can't wait to watch coverage tomorrow. Somehow, still hasn't fully sunken in yet. My eyes are like bloodshot. Sleep.

11/5 2:19PM-

-Los Angeles Times Online

Speaks volumes, I think. Not that you have to have a degree to be an intellectual or stand up for civil rights, but there definitely is an undeniable correlation worth noting. Although I'm saddened by the final results, I've talked to so many people in the past days showing their overwhelming support, that I'm not incredibly distraught. I'm more than confident that my kids, if I have them, would look back in disbelief that this was something people even disagreed on. In regards to the "Abortion Notification" Prop, the results were basically the opposite of Prop 8, and won by a small margin. Thank god for that.

The fact that Google and Apple helped to fund No on 8, was great to see to. Its like holy shit, your search engine, your ipod, and your computer fucking think your nuts. Awesome.

]]> ~seeth Rocky Road http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21275524/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/21275524/ Sun, 02 Nov 2008 01:01:21 PST
Halloween is great. I haven't done anything for Halloween since Jr.High. But I kind of like it that way, I'd miss it if I spent it any other way. Carved my pumpkin, took the dog for a walk, watched Hocus Pocus, and all the Halloween-themed t.v. shows. Perfect day. October must be my favorite month, the weather, the trees, the holiday, its the only time I feel a dramatic seasonal change living in LA. If I lived in a place with tons of trees and snow...I don't know what I'd do, I just love it. I am such a average gay guy in some ways. I totally pigged out on Halloween and felt guilty last night. I was doing super well today but after burning 300 cals I was like fuck it, and decided to sample the left over trick-or-treat candy. I discovered "Rocky Roads"; dark chocolate-covered marshmallow squares. Sweet monkeys. Thats a damn good candy, and I think they date back to like the 1950's or something. I had 4 of them in a row, which basically negates the 300 cals I just burned beforehand. But fuck it! I miss being a kid. I even have a weekly vitamin holder, and reminders, and regimens...mentally since college started I have like 10 mental schedules running non-stop concurrently in my head from daily stuff all the way to like vague life goals. I think thats why I love Halloween so much, it forces me to step back from myself and just enjoy feeling a lil magical and indulgent. At this age Christmas hasn't been such a good holiday. Sans the religious aspect, I kind of see it as a social holiday and when your not with someone it can be really depressing.

This really lends itself to what I've been wanting to document recently. At first it was just a returning feeling of frustration but not exactly explainable or justifiable, in the cases of me acting like a bitch and needing to explain myself. A friend asked me to pinpoint what had me in a "funk", and it was at that point I was able to formulate what exactly has me at where I am.

My life at this point could be equated to a puzzle I suppose. The big picture, being my ideal life, career, relationship, confidence, financial independence. At this point the big picture seems childishly unrealistic, I see it in glimpses of the fantasy boyfriend, what I'd look like working in an office, the thought of me having my own apartment. Seemingly mundane and grounded goals but I'm almost 20 and picturing any of this feels much like picturing myself to be a astronaut or superhero. I attribute this back to the metaphor of the puzzle, when you only have a handful of pieces together its impossible to see the big picture.

I was never a happy student in school, even in elementary school. I'd usually get stress stomach aches and work myself up into fits for projects or assignments I missed for being sick. I'd like to say that has changed now that I'm in college, but it really hasn't. My relationship with teachers haven't either, its always been a very personal relationship with me, they either fell into a group of people I respected and wanted to prove myself to, or a group of idiots who I had to perform for with teeth clenched.

Since then the idea of the puzzle had been set in place, and I feel like I'm still working on the puzzle. Getting into the honors program, switching between schools, online classes, graduating high school. Tests, exams, placements, everything. I feel like everything I do is a requisite to something else. I need a place to live. In order to do that I need money. In order to get that I need a degree. But how do I get to college? I need a car, but I need money. So how do I get a degree? Classes X Y and Z. But no, prerequisites for X Y and Z are classes 1 2 and 3 as well as Placement 2. But before that placement, you should really see a counselor. And before that you should get your ID card, so you can ride the bus.

Thats what my brain feels like. I feel like I'm a constant burden on my parents. I honestly don't see how people get by without support from their parents, because without it you really have no starting point. I just want to reach independence as soon as possible. Some aspects of this, geuinely aren't my fault, like the fact that I still don't have my drivers license. But its just terribly frustrating to graduate to graduate to gradutate and once again be presented with a million forms detailing what obstacles I must first complete before can once again..graduate. And then? I transfer to another college...get another set..and graduate again. From there? I might have to complete some more graduations before starting my career. Sometimes I'm blessed with a teacher that makes me forget that I'm taking a class becau... ]]> ~seeth The Mental State http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/20801001/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/20801001/ Thu, 02 Oct 2008 21:33:50 PDT
I've declared to myself that this week was going to be my own "mental health week"; cell phone off, no AIM, MSN, whatever. I'm just incredibly exhausted. My personality has always been that of a sponge, I can remember things people have told me all the way back from childhood. It usually leads to intended inside-jokes being responded to with puzzlement. In some cases, being the record keeper gives you a whole lot of ammunition when need be. But on the day to day level, the effects aren't quite positive. It seems that I'm always the one being screamed at when it comes to family issues. The reason I think, is because I listen, and actually respond. I wish I could be one of those aloof individuals who will nod their way through an argument without retaining a fragment of it. That's what my family is full of, and I've always been the one silently listening, awaiting a break in voices to cram a lifetime of replies into a few muttered words. Outside of my family, my friends tend not to be the type that meet up with me to have fun. But more of the type whom comes to me at 3AM with devastating news that they need to spill. But I'm not the sort of person who can simply absorb all these people's emotions and concerns and not be affected myself, after all, as much as it kills me to admit, I have a heart. How do you remain understanding without yielding to your convictions? How do you protect someone you love when they won't help themselves? Why the fuck is it that whenever I cry its because someone else, or for someone else? What I have doesn't feel like saintly empathy, just being human. But I find that a lot of people just offer blank stares and convenient replies to navigate to more comfortable conversation. In a family of seemingly deaf and mute men, how can the son with the ear not listen? Listening, responding, and feeling on behalf of a room full of abused mothers, grandmothers, and girlfriends is growing to be too hard of a task. Sometimes I wonder if the give and take in my relationships have ever favored me.

Little jokes acquaint those around me with a glimpse at all the shit I'm dealing with myself, but only a dismal percent of true understanding ever seeps into their knowing. This week to focus on me, wasn't as hard as I thought though. But to be scarily self-aware, I've found that I really tend to daydream a lot about past loves. Maybe, more than most. At first I thought maybe it could be considered an infatuation, but the fact that I still think about him today assures me that I was in love. As time passes though, I think the way I think about him becomes less and less about him as a person but rather the idea of him. I have yet to meet anyone that I felt so connected with since. Its so stupid really, that someone who has only said a few things to someone can fall in love with them. But...its one of those things you can't explain, but just the feeling of...if x, y, and z, I could see being with him completely effortlessly, not changing a thing. I don't think its a matter of getting over it, but just waiting to find someone even better. Right now, I don't think its out there. But then again, I'd never thought I'd fall so deeply in love either.

I think I'll extend this whole "mental health week", indefinitely. I need to invest a lot more into myself, after all, everyone else has more than one pillar of support so they should do just as well without me.

]]> ~seeth Where is my Stars Hollow? http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/20480144/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/20480144/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 22:18:39 PDT
Ever since high school started I've had the image of Stars Hollow in the back of my head, as my idyllic town. Some place small and cozy with friendly people and local jobs. I'm not the only one, I actually googled "real stars hollow" and several people, a lot of LA natives, are craving the same thing. But I have to be realistic, and the simple fact is that there is no Stars Hollow. Small towns and big cities all have their pros and cons, but ultimately no place will ever be as friendly as Stars Hollow.

But still, I just get really tired of living here sometimes. Granted, I was born and raised here, so I don't have any real evidence to say the grass is greener anywhere else. But still...its something only people living here would understand. They say that the chances of people helping someone who has fallen for example, goes down exponentially with the number of people around. The more people, the less of a chance anyone will stop and help. I think if you blow that study up to a city-wide scale...you can picture what is normal social behavior of LA. I'm not even into the LA scene in the sense of going out places every weekend, or club hopping or doing whatever the kids do. I think what I'm referring to has been painfully obvious in my 6th-12th grade schooling and even more blatantly now at college. Its the fashion, the attitude, the cliques, the meshing of 20 people's social anxieties meeting in a classroom. Nervously checking your phone, avoiding eye contact, using every lecture break to smoke your lungs out...its just so silent. So quiet. Maybe its this place or maybe its being in your early 20's or maybe its me, I'm sure its some combination of the three.

I just feel like I haven't really enjoyed life in a long time. There's fragments of good moods, romantic infatuations, people who brighten my day a little, but I've never been the source of the happiness. I've never been the one to be obnoxiously optimistic, smiling without reason, the light of a room. I feel like its been this way so long and nothing has changed. Another class, another exam, another school, another certificate. Another hurdle to jump over just so you can get to the next. A part of me knows that its me; that I perhaps need to actively elevate my mood or something. But another part of me genuinely feels like its my environment. Sometimes you just meet people who are like solar...they just have a warmth about them. I want to be like that one day, not when my hair turns white, but like now. Waking up to the sun on a perfect day, the smell of Halloween, simple stuff like that makes me feel so genuinely good. But then I have school and all the the work and social anxieties and expectations that come along with it, and it seeps into my head and freezes me up again. I don't know anymore. Everyone I know that's out of college, that's like in their 40's or so...they have that light. I don't care about their families, their relationships, their income..whatever. Just looking into their eyes, the confidence, the smile, I see that light in a lot of people. When I look around in my classes now, I feel like the majority of my peers are at the same place I am regardless of how well they try to hide it.

Whether I move or if I change myself or do both or neither...I don't know. But social aspects aside, having a real Christmas with snow would be nice. Winter clothes are so my thing, peacoats, scarves, mittens. Okay, I'm not gay enough to wear mittens, but still. Not having the constant fear of getting into an accident on the road. Actually having local businesses, maybe getting part time work outside of your big corporate mall chains. Maybe even having people say "Hello" when you walk your dog instead of scurrying inside their house. Hell, I don't know any of my neighbors, except for a few old ladies who are the only ones who are ever friendly.

This really isn't new at all. I've been feeling this way for years now. When I took my year off school and lived as a total recluse, this feeling faded. I'm... ]]> ~seeth Burned Out http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/20422723/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/20422723/ Wed, 10 Sep 2008 12:59:50 PDT
I'm so exhausted right now. I have like a million and one things I've been putting on the back burner for months because school started up and now everything is just blah. All this culminates in this immense feeling of chaos. The kind of chaos that plays on repeat in the depths of your subconscious while you go on about your daily activities. But then you sit in bed thinking of all the crap you could be doing...but haven't. Stupid crap like buying new shoes as well as more important stuff like finishing pieces that's I've had on my desktop for almost a year now. But I can't in part because my Wacom stylus broke, or rather i fucked it up. But point is no more art because no more stylus. I really wish I could of had a summer. Since I'm going to school year round I only get 2 weeks off between terms which blows. Granted, I only go to classes 3 nights a week but between getting ready for class and the commute to college and back it doesn't really allow me to get much done especially since by the time I get home its about 10pm so I just eat then watch t.v. until I sleep.

Psychology 1 is kick ass so far. My professor is like...how I envisioned professors as a kid. British, older, lecture. No classwork or homework, just notes from the lecture and 4 exams. So I'm loving it, that's like my ideal set up. Haven't had a test yet though, so I'm not quite sure how much extra effort this course needs.

Design 1. I fucking hate this class. I dread this class all week, and I have this one twice a week. Design isn't really my thing. I'm not vibe-in this prof and he grades on like...cleanliness of paper and stuff. I got my first D on an art assignment EVER, in this class. And my classmates are all artsy-shmartsy folks I feel like I'm on fucking Project Runway. I'm so not into that scene. I basically spend the entire class fantasizing about last semester...because that was so better. God I don't even break during this class. Last term I used to take an hour break and talk on the phone...ugh I miss my old prof like hell. Plus the class was mixed with old people and young people and it was more laid back. And oh yeah, he was smokin hot too...

This is like only week 4 or so of 17 and my online English 2 hasn't even started yet. I'm just not digging this college thing. I think a lot of it comes from social anxiety or something. Some people are quite nice, but usually I just look around and just wish I didn't live in LA. Everyone my age seems to have this obsessive compulsive need to check their cell every 5 minutes even if they are in class, which makes me kind of sad. Plus a ton of people at my college are foreigners and they tend to travel in packs. About half of every class I'm in has a group of kids who take the class together and only talk to each other. Which is cool I guess, but I'm totally on my own every time. I just wanna fast forward to like 70 so I can chillax retirement home style so I don't have to deal with all these youngins. Maybe I should be an in-house maid or something. The fact that I'll be in school for 16+ years blows my mind. The more classes I take and the more people I meet, the scarier things get. I wonder if by the end of this whole college thing if any desire to go into the art field will remain. These days, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if I end up using my BFA in Art for an office job or something. I recently applied for a label designing job through Craigslist and it was going alright, but the guy suddenly stopped replying to e-mails. So whatever. Sometimes I get stupid and look through ads and reply...usually when I'm feeling especially poor. Next time I really need to stop, because on Craigslist or even on DA, generally people fuck over artists a ton. You either work for nothing at all and get customers, charge what your worth and get no customers, or take a job drawing a hairy muscular woman with cat ears who is carrying a child and hula hooping while battling Super Maijin Saiyan Lvl 2000 Goku. So not more jobs for me. Seriously this time. Seriously serious. My self-esteem as an artist is taking too many blows lately, I'm afraid I'll be churning out pokemanz yaoiz to the masses if I don't quit.

]]> ~seeth Muffins of Despair http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/19926376/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/19926376/ Wed, 13 Aug 2008 00:44:54 PDT
I'm in such a funk since last term ended. I'm bored out of my mind. Not that I don't have stuff I should be doing. I just...blah. I didn't even think I was gonna miss class that much, but now its like...I have no one to look forward to seeing or anything, so I could basically stay in my underwear all day and not leave my room. So now I'm being domestic so I can get some sense of accomplishment throughout my day...baked muffins, washed dishes, cleaned up after the dog, cleaned the microwave. Normally any break from school is great for me, but at the end of the term I really started to like my professor. Really. I was kind of up and down the entire summer with him, hence the previous posting. But by about the last two weeks it was way more up than down. I guess when you really like someone to the point of where you get a stupid smile on your face when you think about them...thats when other things seem so incredibly mundane. I mean I feel more than happy with my grade and all I did in class, and I feel like I really impressed my teacher. So its definitely a positive experience in my book. Its just that I tend to gravitate to older people, and I really don't meet older people outside of teachers, so its kind of become a reoccurring theme with me. Even since I was a kid I've been drawn to older people...karate instructor...drum instructor. I really can't explain it, but I've been told I have an old soul. And its not purely sexual, because older females tend to connect with me socially. Generally, I think people assume its some sort of complex...but I honestly don't think so. Its just the simple combination of what I'm attracted to physically and what I seek emotionally. Plain as that. Its not a great situation. Its really starting to suck now that all my friends have basically hooked up, and I'm still like the virgin. I mean honestly, I'm not envious of their relationships but just rather their ease of meeting people. I could barely manage to talk in a normal pitch to my professor because I'm so shy...so the prospect of me being single for a very very very long time is becoming increasingly likely in my mind. And to top it all off, 40 year old dudes are usually like...married. So these days I've just been trying to distract myself. I don't think people really understand what I feel like either. I just feel like people settle for other people and have these tarnished relationships that get them through the loneliness...but if you think too hard you might question if they are better off alone. I'm so not the dating type...when I meet someone and dig them its like...thats what I want, anything else doesn't cut it. If I settled for something easy to attain I'd be a fucked up person for not thinking the guy I'm with is the coolest person I ever met. That's how I've always seen it...and people I know...I just don't see that idyllic connection...everything seems knowingly temporary. So it always comes down to either settling or waiting for the small chance of finding what you really want. This is such like a 15-year-old-girl situation I find myself in, and I totally realize how pathetic it is, but it made the entire semester seem to go by in like a week's time. When someone could say something seemingly insignificant to you or show some sort of trivial amount of caring and you can't stop thinking about it, it really adds a new dimension to your life. If I could fall for all my teachers here on out, college would be a breeze. Unfortunately, I think I just lucked out and its gonna be painfully tedious when fall term begins. Blah. I feel a bit like a douchebag for not being able to control who I like and redirect it to someone who isn't like uh..married...but I guess you can't help it. One-sided infatuations are harmless although I feel a little guilty...

Oh well. I got an A and a bunch of incredibly childish albeit fond memories out of the whole thing that still make me grin like the dork I am. <3

]]> ~seeth Art Teachers http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/19653243/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/19653243/ Tue, 29 Jul 2008 01:51:14 PDT
1:30 AM and I'm working on this "drapery study" for my Drawing I class at college, and now I'm pissed.

My first semester of (community- I feel like it should be noted) college is coming to a close in a couple weeks. I dropped art history because its incredibly nuts to do online, in a condensed summer course along with two other classes. Resulted in a "W" on my record for withdrawing...but thats what it takes to convince me college isn't such a breeze as high school. English 1 online was alright, I'm hoping for an A.

My Drawing I teacher of course isn't online, I have to endure the 3.5 hour class three nights a week which blows. You don't really feel unproductive to the point of tears until your on your second hour of drawing a cement ball. The fact that I ca n barely keep myself focused for the duration makes me think when I transfer Otis is gonna suck. But on the other hand, it may not be all classes, it may just because of the douche bag I have for a proffesor.

He's a good looking guy. Yup. Thats where his positive attributes end. Last time I checked I was averaging an A, but now I'm thinking thats gonna drop to a B. This guy is such an incredible joke. Why is it that a guy's hotness is almost always without question proportionate to his idiocy? Its depressing is what that is. Teaching one and two point perspective was tedious. Dude does a 5 minute lecture and sends us off to recreate a hallway on spot. Okay thats fine. I thought its okay, he wouldn't send an entire class of old people and art students to their own devices if they needed more elaborate instruction. Wrong. How naive I am. Teachers that actually teach is so 90's. Hello? Why teach when you can use the class as your therapist with inane stories and be a total fucknut avoid answering questions by making people feel stupid. Ugh. This guy has no idea how to teach perspective, or anything for that matter. The most useful thing I've learned in this class is about...pencils like HB 2B etc...and I could have just googled that shit if I wanted. And to top it off, his actual work blows, its this artsy-schmarty bullshit that gets into galleries but isn't good enough to make a living off of. Which is fine, until you talk shit about other people's art.

So yeh dude is a fucking moron. What gets me is that I'm not gonna get an A because he sucks as a teacher. And for the first time I actually give a shit. I've never got anythign besides an A in an art class before and I know Otis admissions is gonna be like...wtf B in Drawing 1? God. These fucking classes are supposedly equavalent to art school college classes...but its so not. So far from it, really. And I know that for a fact. They really need to re-evaluate these assholes who luck into a art teaching job...because unlike the night class old people...some people actually pay for the class in order to go unto art school, as shocking as that is.

Ugh. I've dealt with a ton of awful, cracked, bitches of teachers in my lifetime. But this is the first time where I've dealt with it..with something close to me, my career, something thats not just another bullshit requisite. After seeing this guys work and knowing I'm not gonna get that shiny A on my transcript just burns like all hell.

Fall Term classes are paid. Taking three, wonder if I'll drop any. Design 1 is at campus, I'm not expecting anything from this class. Whatever. Psychology 1, I actually read awesome stuff about this professor and I'm interested in the subject so I'm hoping that'll be this term's good class. I'm so stupid I waited to work on registering so my English 2 is pushed to the second half of Fall Term which means like summer...condensed! Ugh. Teacher reviews pretty bad too, but I picked the lesser of evils. I'll see later if I wanna drop it, online classes are more intensive than I thought, especially when physical classes take up an entire day between commute and whatnot.

Blah. So this college -__-; I hear it only gets worse.

]]> ~seeth Ramble~ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18866691/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18866691/ Mon, 16 Jun 2008 04:57:24 PDT
My online classes started today. So from today on I have about a year until I begin art college. I never really put to much thought into this, but I've always had this thought in the back of my head that I'm not doing the right thing. Sometimes I think this whole plan I have of going to art college and getting hired by some company is just naive. I honestly don't think my work is anywhere as good as it should be. Whenever I'm on DA and check out people's art I just know I'm no where near their level, and its like...if my artwork can't be better than theirs why would anyone hire me? I've been drawing seriously with a career in mind for maybe like 4 or so years, learning Photoshop, etc. I know I've progressed, but I'm not where near where I want to be. Mentally I switch back and forth between "Oh yeah, I think I could totally do that." and "Sweet monkeys. I couldn't have made that in a 100 years". It sucks. Its a scary thought that you can spend 4 years in college and spend 120k and end up in a career you don't want. Sometimes I think this is so right for me as a career...and other times I just pray that what people say is true and that having any degree at all will help. Honestly, I don't want to work at all, no one does I guess. But I wouldn't mind selling clothes, or working behind a computer, or being a vet tech or even a masseuse. Art is definitely on upper end of that list, and its something I've always just...done. But the point is that I'm not someone who is 100% devoted like I think I should be. If I spent the majority of my life doing something besides art I know I would constantly be thinking about what could have been and I'd feel like I was throwing away every compliment I've ever received and everything I've worked on. So I guess the only solution is to go through with it...and see how my life turns out I suppose...

I definitely need to learn Illustrator. I hate hate hate doing lineart with the pen tool but I need to get used to it, cause it looks so much more professional. God, its the most tedious process though...I can't stand it. With Illustrator I am a wreck. I've tried and tried but I can't even figure out how to color anything. Photoshop was really easy for me to get the hang of and its like second nature now...but I'm a complete moron when it comes to Illustrator. I wonder if art college even teaches it? How much crap am I supposed to learn BEFORE even entering art school? Jeez. Ok I'm sad now. Sleep...

]]> ~seeth Lip Piercing http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18601190/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18601190/ Sat, 31 May 2008 22:10:18 PDT
I've only been considering it for about two weeks or so, after watching someone on True Life get one. Definitely not some spiritual meaningful cathartic deal, just plain old aesthetics. So I did a little research, and I went for it. My mom and her friend took me to get it done, and shockingly enough I was rejected from one tattoo place because you have to be 18+ and I didn't have ID. I'm 19, I thought it would have been no big deal...don't like 15 year olds get these done?

So we went back and forth from two places. Modern was close to home and Monkey was further away. The Monkey place's piercing dude was a douchebag supreme. Just ugh. But I learned today that people who make occupations out of stabbing people with needles tend to be pretty irritable and not the most socialable. But finally one guy at Modern came in at like 8:30 or so and said he'd wait till we arrived. Well as soon as we pulled up he was pulling out so he made a U and caught us and re-opened shop, so here's where the fun stuff starts.

My piercing dude was this straight up like chola gang banger tattooed, pierced, and a wife beater. But he was really nice, but in a super rush. He didn't ask for ID or anything. If he did I would have had to shown him my passport which has a picture of me when I was 13...so thats a good thing. He calls me to the back and i sit down on like a doctor's office bench thingy. I tell him where I want it, and everything is sterile and he's swapping me with alcohol and squirting the labret ring with some antibacterial stuff. So that was good...it may have been a drive-by-piercing but at least this dude had his routine down. So he does it...and it hurts a little just for a second, totally OK. And he tells me to go check it in the mirror...and its IN THE WRONG PLACE AHHH! I was devastated for 3 seconds...but he saw my reaction and told me he could do it again. So of course i did. So I got pierced twice...but now its exactly where I want it. Experience as a whole was a little odd...but I'm happy that I found this guy anyways, he was pretty cool.

So I thought I was gonna feel...nervous during it. But I totally didn't. Like this guy may have been stoned out of his mind, I have no idea, but I was so comfortable with him fucking putting a needle through my lip...twice. I teared up but I didn't cry...so I was so relieved. I didn't wanna look like a punk in front of this dude. Maybe cause he was pretty damn fine, I gotta say. As I sat there with this guy with a needle in my mouth...I think I got a glimpse of what SM people feel like. I still don't get it, but I suppose that would be like a small dosage of it. He had to get a new ring...cause he looked at my lips and was like..."you have plump lips..." Hahaha. I can't believe this super hard ass dude..just said my lips were..."plump" of all words. I thought that was fucking hilarious. When I told him to lower it he was like 1 second away from piercing me and i was like WAIT! Uh..can you put a dot? Which he thought was pretty funny...or punkass...but fuck I'm not gonna have it done like 5 times in the same day so fuck that. He put the dot. He gave me a cleaning spray thing for free for kinda fucking it up the first time..which was nice.

So that was my day...it took way too long to locate one decent place, but it was worth it. I won't kid myself and say I'm super hard with my looks or my personality. With that said, I was a little worried if the piercing would look awkward on me, but I'm really really pleased with it. The ring I gotta keep in there a month isn't even black metal like I wanted, but it looks nice I think.

Now I just gotta learn to eat. The thought of getting any sort of food product in there grosses me out so I'm eating to the left. Which is really hard to do...but I'll get the hang of it I hope, or I just thought of a new diet plan..

]]> ~seeth Notes for a Future Self http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18345172/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18345172/ Fri, 16 May 2008 00:27:02 PDT
So I've decided that I'm aiming to enter Otis as a sophomore. Ideally, I would like to spent the year taking foundation courses, but that adds another year's tuition which I really can't afford. Honestly, I don't see myself getting hired to a company and having stable income right out of college, so I need to lighten the load of deferred loans by taking off a year and doing my best to get whatever financial aid I can. I'm sacrificing a lot of cool stuff I just know it, but I just can't not try for it.

So this means that I have to spend a year+ at SMC completing course equivalents.

The first portion and hopefully the easiest will be General Education and a IGETC course which is basically the same thing I guess, but it breaks down to two art history classes, two english classes, and one IGETC "science or behavioral science" course. I won't know what that course is till tomorrow or Monday depending on when I go to meet a counselor at SMC. Thankfully for me I think all these courses are available for summer term online, which hopefully will all turn out well.

The second and most difficult part is the art requirement of 18 units of Art Studio classes which encompasses a whole lot of art classes. But I have a list telling me which specific ones Otis recommends. The issue I'm having here is that SMC's art classes are really very long (4 hours) and are scheduled at times that overlap, or I will have to leave the house at 11 and not get home till after 9 at night, which isn't cool. So I might finish all my general courses within one term (summer) and just be taking art classes for a long time afterword...but I have to find out more from the counselor but I think I might try to run over to West LA and take courses too to speed things up..but we'll see.

Today this seems like so much work for me. But then again I've been through so many schools and taken so many classes, and still graduated with an acceptable GPA. So I can do this...I've been through hell and back with teachers and everything...so I can do this! Haha.

As for my portfolio the counselor said she said by seeing all my work thrown together from like 2005 up to a few weeks ago she really sees progression and how my style has become more sophisticated. But for the portfolio she broke it down into being Creative and Technical. For the creative pieces recent CG stuff is cool and for Technical really complete 30min+ draws from figure drawing classes is good to have in there. CD with JPEGS is totally cool. But I need to add an index with info on how I created the piece and titles and such. But I now know what they are looking for and thats completeness and technical skill. When it comes to ad/photo reproductions she said it was alright is it was rendered very well, but they would prefer observational drawings or something.

For SMC I applied online, and I believe...I completed online orientation. But now I need to meet with the counselor and figure out if I need to take the English assessment, and fill out any enrollment forms and fees since my Japanese I + II is no longer on their system cause it was so long ago I guess and I'm no longer a high school concurrent student.

What else what else. Well basically thats the info I have as of today and my plans, basically the scariest thing is doing all this work and not getting sophomore acceptance. But honestly, if I have to apply 10 times and keep revising my portfolio over and over again its worth it because a lot of money is at stake. Yeh degrading. Yeh fuckin scary. Yeh I may be missing out on some social aspects and undoubtedly Otis's first year classes are better and I may be behind everyone else..but hey 30k is 30k.

This was my first time going to the campus. It was on a weird day and a lot of construction was going on and I don't think many students were there. But the campus isn't as scary as it looks going by. Each major has a level, and I already have the campus map memorized. I was kind of scared because of all small windows makes it look like its 100 floors but its really just like 8 or so.

Basically all my info on Otis's social dynamic is from the Otis student webpages...the brochures..and seeing a few people walking around. First impressions. Definitely a lot of Asian people and white people, I think that makes up the largest ethnic groups. Everyone has this adult feel about them, I feel like a lil kid...but thats nothing new I guess. And there's definitely this I'm-so-deep-glue-my-shoes-to-the-wall-artsy vibe. Which I totally don't get, and never have, prolly never will. So college may... ]]> ~seeth AC Kinda sucks...and LIGHTS <3 http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18328514/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18328514/ Wed, 14 May 2008 21:44:08 PDT
I'm so over Anderson Cooper! Well, OK maybe not completely but I think much less of him. I was "live blogging" tonight and some guy made a comment about not covering the catastrophic earthquake that happened in China. So for whatever reason Anderson replied and it was like...surprisingly arrogant. The poor guy just wants to get updated on the situation and Anderson takes time to totally call him out and tell him that he's the minority and that "viewership levels" is what determines what is on the lineup. I thought it was pretty fucked up. Usually Anderson doesn't actually blog or if he does he just talks about what he is doing during breaks or about his tie or something. And of course I tried to point out how arrogant he was coming off, but they wouldn't post those comments. I love the political discussion on there, but there is so much AC ass kissing that happens its like...ugh.

Tomorrow I have to go to Otis and I'm kind of..ergh..about the whole thing. This happens to me so much. I get amped for something..and then by the time the appointment is arranged and the day comes, I'm totally not excited about it..just nervous. I'm meeting with the counselor before I apply to ask questions and get some more information. I've done this before during highschool at Art Center, and that was enough to give me a good impression of the campus. I wasn't exactly fond of that counselor...he was nice and all but not exactly the most..encouraging person. I guess I hope that the Golden Girls will be my counselors so I'm always disappointed. But some milk and cookies would have made me feel a little more at home.

I really can't think of anything to ask since my brother goes there anyways, so I'm mostly trying to get suggestions on what they want to see in my portfolio. Apparently, the room doesn't have a PC in it...but I'm putting everything on CD anyways, because I'm not hauling my bigass portfolio full of only a couple of pieces just for a pre-pre-pre-admissions interview. So if they can't get me a computer than screw it I'll recreate my portfolio on post-its. I need to brainstorm questions...

1. What are you looking for in my portfolio?

2. I want to know about majors and job versatility. "Character Designer" is my ideal job, but its such a niche...after I graduate I expect to be versatile enough to work illustration jobs to logo design to graphic design. Let's see if I can articulate that into a English sentence tomorrow..

3. Is it stupid to ask about industry standards? I mean ...I'm almost completely self taught from learning by hit and miss or by tutorials online. I would hope all art colleges teach their artists to use Photoshop, Illust., Flash, etc. efficiently and properly ya know? Huh. If I find out something crazy like they don't teach Photoshop...I'm totally not going there.

4. ...

OK I'm out of questions.

Commissions ->[link]

]]> ~seeth Screw Commissions! (Sometimes) http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18259476/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18259476/ Sat, 10 May 2008 15:18:13 PDT
So my friends would ask me why the hell am I taking on these weird commissions if I'm not enjoying what I'm doing. Well one of my teachers, my mentor I suppose, discussed with me once how far artists will go to make money without feeling like a "whore" as she put it. Well, I honestly thought I could go pretty damn far...but I've totally learned my lesson. So I've dealt with a handful of clients through DA and some have been amazing and fun for an artist, and some have just been done with clenched teeth. So here are some rules I will now abide by, and perhaps suggestions for anyone reading who may want to begin commissions through DA.

1. YOU ARE WORTH IT. So many artists in the anime community disvalue their own ability so much that they sell things for as low as 5$. The way I see it and the way I've had it explained to me by a mentor is that prices should be calculated by things you should take into consideration.
(Time spent; sketching, scanning, editing, tracing, coloring, etc) + (price of materials used; pencils, markers, paints..all add up so cover your expenses) + ( Talent; your talented and your art is worth something)
So if you add all that up I would imagine most people's prices should be 50$ and upwards. But of course everyone's level of experience is different, but adding just two of those variables means any commission should be at least in the two-digit price range.

2. DON'T COMMIT UNTIL YOU HAVE THE DETAILS. Sweet monkeys. It sounds like a no-brainer. But I'm the kind of person who wants to try everything and show everyone that I can work with them. But the truth of the matter is, even if you think something is right up your alley...chances are it may not be. As soon as you hear a anime mentioned you can already see how awesome its gonna be...you see the colors in your head...you already have an idea for a wicked pose...and then you soon find out, your simply acting as a photocopier.

3. FUN WILL PAY THE BILLS. As soon as someone asks you to imitate another artist step away child! I used to think this was perfectly fine, but now that I'm 19 I don't think so. Yes, there are many artists out there with beautiful style...but its not yours. If someone tells you to draw like someone else they have no respect for your style and all that you bring to the table. If they want it in the style of some famous mangaka then wish them luck flying to Japan and getting that commission. But isn't being a good artist being able to be versatile and work with the client? Yes and no. Yes your client is important and you should want to do your best to please them, but that doesn't mean you should lose your respect for yourself. Think of any artist or group of illustrations that stand out to you...do they deviate from their style? No. I can easily recognize at least 50 artists not by name, but by their gallery's alone because their style is so streamlined. Real employers want that individual style, they don't want photocopiers, so ignore such requests. Suggesting a pose is fine, or supplying references, but to not allow any creative freedom makes the experience dreadful to the artist and ultimately disappointing to the client because as much as you try you are not the artist you are imitating.

Wow I wrote a lot! But this has been bothering me for a very long time. Sometimes I feel like I really don't care and just want to be able to afford Copics or whatever, but I have to learn to keep this in mind and writing this little..proclamation of commission independence will help me to do so. If anyone's reading this, I hope you give this some thought before burning yourself . People are r... ]]> ~seeth Passive Aggressive Quiz Time http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18230718/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18230718/ Thu, 08 May 2008 17:13:50 PDT

[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily. [ I guess...since I'm naturally tan? Or is it the process of "tanning"?]
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. [What a delightfully evil question! I'm saying no, because "plastic surgery" is such an umbrella term..]
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercing.
[ ] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.
[ ] I hate my dad
[ ] I hate my mom
[x] I have a brother
[ ] I have a sister
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.
[ ] I'm in school. [Jeez...]
[ ] I have a job. [Ouch!]
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school. [Try a month...]
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job.
[ ] I've been fired.
[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation. [Thats so fucking embarrassing, but I love that I'm not the only one]
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry. [They never have]
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[ ] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public.
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] I've broken a bone
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed!
[ ] I've sat in a doctorÂs office/emergency room with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I've had chicken pox.
[ ] I was born in a different country.
[ ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[x] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[ ] I've gotten lost in my city. [I know I will be when I get a car though...]
[ ] I've seen a shooting star. [How depressing is that one?]
[ ] I've wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] I've kicked a guy where it hurts. [My brother? Hahaa..]
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I've crashed a car. [Trash can, potted plant, fence...I'm learning]
[ ] I've been Skiing.
[ ] I've been in a play.
[ ] I've met someone in person from myspace. [Thank god]
[ ] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern lights.
[ ] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.
[x] I'm single.
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[ ] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
[x ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex. [Shocking lol..]
[] I'm bi
[x] I'm gay
[ ] I've had sex
[ ] I've had phone sex
[ ] I've cybered [Hahahaha omg..this quiz is too much]
[ ] I've had sex in public.
[x] I've... ]]> ~seeth Commissions http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18142498/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/18142498/ Sat, 03 May 2008 01:59:15 PDT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:: Commissions ::

Please check out my website here [link] or feel free to look around my DA page!

My style ranges from anime to semi-realistic, is you think I can do the job then please read on. I have done several character designs based on descriptions as well as supplied images from online games.

:: Pricing ::

Pricing really depends on what you want me to draw. But here are some rough estimates.

Single Character Full Sketch : 15USD~

Single Character Full CG: 30USD~

Payments via Paypal only

Headshots, busts, or "chibi" characters will be substantially less than full body artwork.

:: Info ::

Yaoi/Yuri welcome but nothing 18+.

I don't usually do complicated backgrounds.

Do not claim my works as your own.

I will send watermarked preview images for your review.

If you have ANY questions please please note me!

]]> ~seeth Secret of the Solstice...Ragnarok Online http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17995694/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17995694/ Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:30:03 PDT
So back to my topic, Secret of the Solstice! I'm looking on MMO forums just to see whats new and stuff, and I keep seeing these really cute ads for Secret of the Solstice and decide to sign up. So I'm downloading it, 17%, and then I take a look at the screenshots. Holy monkey crap. This entire game is a rip off of Ragnarok Online. All they did was take every graphic from Ragnarok Online and bring it into Photoshop, change some of the colors, and paint on new costumes. The character bases are completely the same, height, width, proportions. Even the classes are the same except renamed. The ingame emoticons, are the same as well, but just redrawn in MSPaint. Its really awful. I hope Gravity sues them for major plagiarism, but I doubt they'd have a case cause every graphic has been altered just enough to make it legal..which is such a lame ass thing to do. I love Ragnarok Online, its the only MMORPG that's kept my interest for years, and have never deleted from my system, and its pretty old too. This game just made me sick, I can't believe they gathered an entire team of artists and programmers to simply edit Ragnarok, release it, and then try to profit off a online cash shop.

In fact I think I'm gonna go start playing Ragnarok again, I miss it, and nothing I've played yet even compares to it. My priest from like...3 years ago is still on iRO, I just got an e-mail asking if I would take a veteran survey to get 15 days. I think I just might do that :]

~~~ Edit~~~

Jeez. I was just looking at the current iRO forums and there was a thread called "The good old days of iRO" or something, and I totally got choked up. Someone mentioned Nicollete being THE forger, and everyone making their first friends in Payon caves...omg that makes me so sad!

I have so many good iRO memories. Hanging out right outside Payon caves, healing all the new players with my Priest and giving them all the buffs I had. Being a priest in Glast Heim Graveyard leading a "mag party" helping a school of little acolytes trying to graduate to priest. Having them message you whenever they were too slow and a zombie killed them, then teleporting out and ressurecting them. Always having like a million people on the last level of Payon Caves hunting Sohee's for hours trying to find a card for their assassin. Going to Prontera east exit and have people leaving the game drop their items and have massive crowds of people swarming them and lagging out. Every night seeing the same people on helping each other level and stuff.

Man its weird getting emotional over a online game but I did play it from 2003~2005 on the paid server. And I think I left just before it went downhill. Now with all the updates and classes, and the next generation of players discovering it, nothing is the same. I think thats why I won't recognize anyone when I go on. The community aspect was awesome when the game was simple and everyone helped each other out, now partying is unnecessary and if you want to level you can just pay someone to do it for you. I think those first few years of iRO were some of the best in any MMORPG, its amazing how friendly people were and how certain players could become online celebrities. Its sad that doesn't exist anymore, but I'm glad I was a part of it. I remember the last months of playing, the game got increasingly unfriendly and clicky, and if you didn't play with friends you knew IRL there was no help for you.

*Sigh* I've never been so connected to a online game like that...but the community really was fantastic, and it got me through a lot of high school. I knew a girl from an oekaki board named April and convinced her to play with me, and I really think she became my best friend at the time. After school everyday we'd go online, not even level, just sit in the forest or something and talk about our parents or whatever. It was really nice. But that whole relationship got messed up over iRO, and guilds, and IRL drama and stuff. Thats why I quit playing in the first place if I remember correctly, but by then it was already beginning to look like what iRO has turned into today.

]]> ~seeth The View http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17846567/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17846567/ Mon, 14 Apr 2008 10:44:41 PDT
They were discussing the latest piece of dirt on Obama, about Hillary calling him an "elitist" in response to his comments in Pennsylvania about people being disenchanted and bitter. Well Joy goes off saying that Obama is still paying student loans, and that Hillary and McCain are the elitists by comparison.

That is such bullshit. Just because Obama isn't as wealthy as McCain or Hillary doesn't make him part of middle-class America either. I grew up in Los Angeles, one of the worst schools in LAUSD. When I have someone from my high school running for president, then I can say they are my equal, and they understand me completely. All the candidates are rich, privileged, and wealthy. Being an elitist has nothing to do with wealth anyways, its an attitude. You can be the poorest person, but still have an elitist attitude, which comes across in way you talk. I don't think Obama really is an elitist, but no one knows and no one ever will know.

I think my generation sees Obama as some sort of celebrity, because he's a black man. Somehow there's this silent sentiment that Obama is so radical, such a change, that he is the representation of revolution. I absolutely hate that. All the comments I read from Obama supporters on CNN's AC 360 blog are so biased and naive. If people would vote on policy, I think having a dream ticket would still be a possibility. Every single issue is exactly the same, they can't even have a debate because when it comes to the issues how many hairs can you possibly split. So any attacks are justified, because we can't "get back to the issues", when there is no disagreement on the issues between the two to begin with. But all this fanaticism surrounding Obama and hatred towards Hillary is just polarizing the party even more, which is sad.

Joy then says that Hillary is doing the most mud slinging. What the hell? Hillary never said she wouldn't first of all. She doesn't say that she's above it, and that she's such a change, she won't play the game of politics. But Obama did, and he sure as hell hasn't had a clean campaign either. Just a few weeks ago Obama's camp was making a fuss about Hillary's tax returns, and she finally releases them, and then what happened? Nothing.

Meh. Its just exhausting. Ultimately entertaining and exiting, but sometimes I just read comments on Youtube or CNN and get into a debate with friends or my parents and its just tiring.

]]> ~seeth Observations and Things http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17746289/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17746289/ Tue, 08 Apr 2008 11:10:32 PDT
All this college talk is a really harsh reminder that my days as a teenage housewife are soon ending, so I might have to say goodbye to The View, and Tyra, and Golden Girls! It hurts to even think about it. Or I could just get TiVo, but hey. I'm still not ready yet though I have a summer left, at least!

Anywho, I saw Hillary on Ellen yesterday afternoon and it was awesome. Finally someone mentions same-sex marriage on a network that isn't LGBT-centric. It was great to see. And it was so delightful because it wasn't just because Ellen is a lesbian, but because there was an actual family story that supported why she holds her position on the issue. On the other end I saw McCain's ad on Youtube, when I was watching the McCain Girl's music video. Let me just say...omg. It was so funny, I had to take a screencap, just so I have physical proof of this whenever I need to mention it in conversation later. McCain's ad doesn't even use his face from this decade. It uses footage of him walking away from a plane like 20 years ago and 50 pounds ago, with a full head of hair. He was pretty handsome, I'll admit. But c'mon! What a pathetic attempt to connect with the Youtube generation. As if there is going to be this disconnect between McCain now and McCain twenty years ago...I respect him as a veteran and all, but his advertising team is really stretching it, to the point of hilarity.

What else is new...hmm. I screwed my hair up really bad so I'm not going out of the house this week. I mean, I've screwed it up cutting it myself before, but this was a massacre. Hopefully by the weekend it will grow out so I can go get some new jeans. I have to give all 8 or so pairs to Goodwill since I can now fit two clenched fists between my stomach and the waistband of my jeans. My crotch is like 8 inches below my actual junk, which is just..not the business. But they are mostly American Eagle so its not like I'm giving up 8 pairs of 7's or something. I still can't make my big investment into a pair of 7's until I lose more weight though, I'd prolly cry if I spent $300 on a pair of jeans and they got too big within a month.

Philip Palmer is awesome, he's like the Anderson Cooper of local daytime news. Ugh! Just another thing I must bid ado to come fall...I ain't even eager, that mood icon is just awesome though.

Edit: Hmm, I updated my avatar let's see if this works...

]]> ~seeth Crap Day! http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17558190/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17558190/ Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:56:11 PDT
Today was a staggering sleep-deprived 6 hour visit to my alma mater. Everything about it sucked. I realized that I only truly missed one thing about my entire high school experience, and that was my amazing history teacher from senior year. For this entire free year, I've been going back and forth on visiting campus. I really really really wanted to see him. He was honestly the most amazing guy, and I loved listening to him even though I'd pretend to ignore him and draw all over my notes in the most noticeable fashion. But I learned that he quit teaching! At that school at least. To be honest, everyday I'd see him and think about how such an amazing individual got stuck at my school relentlessly trying to teach a bunch of brain dead students. But I never actually thought, he'd get fed up and leave. My entire day has just been disappointing, but that was just the gross tootsie roll filling in my artificially flavored grape lollipop of a a day. To be honest, I could have talked to him a hell of a lot more. I was a a real bitch though and liked to fuck around with him. Hell I ditched his class right in front of him, literally, and the guy was nice enough to tell me that the grade I "deserve" is an A for my final grade, and he gave it to me. If I was him I'd have failed my smartass just for being a douche. So I'm really bummed. I've been watching CNN's AC360 every night for the past few months, and I love it. I always think about what an awesome assignment this stuff would make. I was kind of amped to have a chance to talk him again and maybe get his opinions on it. But that isn't gonna happen. I don't miss debating in class with a bunch of idiots who enjoy making awful points loudly, but I do miss doing write ups and getting feedback and that sort of stuff. When the system works, and your actually hold your teacher in high regard, papers are more fun to right and all the red feedback doodled over your paper is really sort of cherished? I guess having your ideas or thoughts as common and mundane as they are applauded by someone you respect has to make you feel good.

On top of that I didn't sleep at all. Through the whole thing the teacher I went to see was totally "off" with me. I didn't even talk to her, I just sat and doodled for three hours. I felt like I was waiting for the last period bell to ring again. God, I'm never setting foot on that campus again, within 30 minutes of entering the class I had a headache. But I don't feel guilty for not visiting anymore, because all I can do is show up. I'm a quiet guy, you have to make some effort. Don't expect me to get the ball rolling, I didn't sleep at all just to make it on time so I did more than meet her halfway. So I don't feel bad...just blah. I should have slept in and watched Obama on the View like I was going to...

Man I can't believe how down I am about a guy who I barely talked to and haven't seen for almost a year. Its so...GAY! But if pornographic forums are any sort of barometer as to how normal gay guys act, its very common to get hung up on teachers. I feel old! From now on I'll just have art professors which is more than likely going to suck. Myeh, I think I'll go curl up in bed and try not to drift into sleep paralysis again.

Yup. I got issues.

]]> ~seeth Ugh...Just Ugh! http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17340910/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/17340910/ Sat, 15 Mar 2008 02:22:31 PDT
No better word can express how I feel right now than "ugh!". Frustrated, aggravated, repulsive disbelief. I was really bored and decided to ask a friend of mine his stance on the election. And I was totally shocked when he revealed who he intended to vote for. But in all honesty, it was a little disheartening, but I barely have a relationship with him so its alright. There's nothing more sickening than learning that your own family and people you've known for years are on the opposite end of the political spectrum. You get this feeling of like...Where were you? Didn't we go to the same school? How can you..what..wait...how? When did you...What?! Its like you don't know people at all until you bring up politics. I'd love to say I'm a person who can just be cool with everyone and not think a bit less of anyone for their political stances, but I can't. Quite frankly, I think its a good thing that I can't. I think it speaks to having a true belief in what and who your voting for. So that brings me to what really made me feel absolutely "ugh" tonight.

My best friend, is one of those "agree to disagree" people. Ugh. I respect her value of other's friendships and opinions. But at the same time left and right are so incredibly polarized right now, that you just can't. I'm supposed to be mature and not take things personally...but to even think thats a possible option is immature in itself. The war in Iraq? Same-sex marriage? C'mon. Issues like that make roots into our spirituality, sexuality, and our entire being. For someone to oppose same-sex marriage, and have friends that are gay is a contradiction to me. I'd hate to make a comparison between the social injustice inflicted upon African-Americans and homosexuals because they are incomparable in many respects, but in this case I think it illustrates my point: If one of the nominees wanted to limit the rights of black citizens, and you had a friend that would vote for him, would you still consider them a friend? Its so heinous that you couldn't possibly just stand by and not be personally offended. So thats what I feel like. I feel a little betrayed. If we were disagreeing on candidates who didn't differ and we were solely disagreeing on an issue like health care or the economy then no one should think less of anyone, because said issues are totally based on policy and strategy but not religion. Social progress and choosing between life and death for thousands of soldiers isn't a passive issue. Its not about securing our future or our children's. Its about fighting for equality and saving lives now and making a positive change.

I guess I shouldn't expect other's to take on my fight, simply because they are my friends. But it really does make you think. I've often wondered about my straight friends, and who they would marry, and if they'd marry some conservative homophobic nut job.
I'd be insulted, it makes you feel that your entire friendship, your representation of an entire sexuality wasn't good enough to make your friend compelled to take on your cause.

Its real weird when you see a completely new side to someone you've known for a long time and makes you reexamine your friendship in a whole new light and begin to wonder if friends can't share a common belief on such commonsense issues if your actually suitable to be friends? Its really hard for a guy in my situation and I think a million other people I haven't met yet have felt the exact same way, being torn between being knowingly unaccepted by friends or being completely embraced only by strangers.

]]> ~seeth Life..Thoughts..and Stuff http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/16412844/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/16412844/ Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:05:27 PST
Well as of now, I am a total bum. I've decided to take a year off school. My free year will end June 2008, if I'm counting from when I graduated high school. It really doesn't matter when it ends because Otis accepts applications year round.

Well tonight I was in one of my "Japan moods". This is when something makes me think of how much I suck at Japanese, and that I'd really like to live there for awhile. So I pulled out my old textbook and decided I'll review it, since I have nothing but free time. Then I started Youtube-ing videos on Japanese, and then thought to search for the JET program. Oh my Jesus. Is everyone and their mama going to Japan as a ALT and video logging about it? Cause it really does seem that way. Its really cool though, when my eyes aren't so tired I'll take a few hours and watch all the videos I subscribed to. Man...it really blows up any happy dreams you have.

I mean when I decided that I wanted to teach in Japan. I kind of hoped it would be older me, who always wears a suit, walking to some rural school every morning and my class of elementary students would greet me "Ohayou Brian-Sensei~!" and we'd begin a learning adventure full of art and colors and thinking outside the box. But thats crap!

One video blog I saw of this Canadian dude was amazing. He ends up losing his job as a English teacher, gets evicted, and has to work at a ski...place. Resort? Whatever. That scares the hell out of me.

But the one thing that I find in common with all the Japan bloggers who are either studying abroad or in some sort of English teaching program is that they all have super human adaption skills. It amazes me that people can go from living in the states, then pick up move to Japan and just deal, without more than an intermediate level of Japanese under their belt, and some not even that. Just thinking about that makes my stomach hurt.

Maybe I'm way too sheltered and used to living in Los Angeles. But when I went to Japan I'd always think, "Holy shit, if I was by myself I would be dead". Of course all the places we visited were huge tourist attractions and hot spots. But still, I don't think a rural town would be less scary.

I guess I'm not that Canadian dude yet. I don't know what it is. People just go to college, muster up some kind of confidence, and are able to do whatever they want? I feel like I'm stuck in awkward high school mode. I still haven't even got my permit yet. God, I am such a kid. Meh. Theres just so much I need to work on, with myself. I think once I start working out more consistently, and look better everything else will fall into place. I think my insecurities about my looks cause so much crap in my life right now. I spend way too much time looking in mirrors, and I've freaking turned down going places because I felt fat. Is that not something out of some Lifetime movie or what?

I know I should ideally, learn to love myself and all that crap. But I know myself well enough to know, that if I got a six pack, half of these insecurities will be shattered. But anyways, thats just a part of it. I think after that I'll be more confident and ready for college. And by "ready" I mean..just acting more adult, being able to speak to people, date people if I want, whatever. I definitely definitely definitely do not want college to be a repeat of the hell, high school. So I really want to get my shit together. Kinda sad that so much of my life is kind of prioritized under physical appearance...but I think its common. I mean I've had friends say to me I just need to act confident, and eventually I'll be confident and thats all I need. But thats such bull crap. Only someone who weighs less than 100lbs. and has a constant rotation of boyfriends can say that. I think most people with insecurities about their appearance, whether real or imagined, feels that the only way to get past it is to look the way they want to look.

Trying to get fit is crazy hard for me though. Living at home where your not buying your own food, it just makes it worse. If I was living in an apartment all I'd have in the fridge is strawberries, lemonade, and tuna. It sucks hard when your surrounded by people that aren't trying to eat well and are constantly buying you junk food. I mean its there. Waiting for me. I wake up in the morning and I see a bag in the fridge with my name on it full of crap. Its hard to say no to it and spend 30 minutes making breakfast instead of popping the bag in the microwave for 30 sec. So yeah. Its not been easy thus far. But I've lost a few pounds in the past week or two. And I've lost 10 pounds since before going to Japan. For the most part I maintain the same weight, and haven't gone up sizes. But the problem is that I don't exercise enough, so I always maintain but never lose. I'm one of those peopl... ]]> ~seeth Andy Coopa' and Voting! <3 http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/16235604/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/16235604/ Thu, 03 Jan 2008 06:38:18 PST
Just from watching the debates I've narrowed down my choices pretty much. Some of them say such dumbass things and propose such nonsensical ideas its easy to right them off. I haven't even watched the Republican debate..because well, its a waste of time.

I think generally at this point my mentality and possibly the mentality of others about the upcoming election is that it can only go up from here. So in that sense I feel kind of secure in whoever wins as long as they are are a democrat.

For me the real issue is gay marriage. I've been going through YouTube searching for specific debate footage pertaining to it...since its 6am and I am sure as hell not gonna read. Its actually rather disappointing. I feel so uninformed now. I kind of just assumed democrat automatically would imply 100% support for gay marriage but its totally not the case. According to my research the only one to really support marriage as oppose to granting equal rights in a civil union is Kucinich. I really like Kucinich. The one full debate I saw, his rhetoric stood out the most to me. Instead of simply reading off the same old bullet points every other candidate repeated, he actually answered a question about abortion rights but digging deeper and trying to solve the underlying problem.

But I think it comes down to who actually has a chance of being elected. According to the polls Kucinich doesn't have a shot. So I feel like I'd be wasting a vote by voting for someone whose such a underdog. So that leaves me with Edwards, Clinton, or Obama.

Edwards out because he clearly doesn't support gay marriage.

So between Obama and Clinton I really don't know. I read that during the Clinton presidency she wasn't so chummy with the LGBT as was pointed out by Melissa Ethridge on some Logo Channel forum thing. But Obama has been consistently for equal rights.

Gyah. Its so confusing. I mean how much of what you read is propaganda and how much is factual? Does it even matter? Is there some guarantee that these campaign promises will be kept? Huh? Huh?!

No one in my family votes, for as long as I can remember. But I don't want to be like that. Even though my high school experienced sucked. I've been blessed with really liberal teachers that used the shitty LAUSD environment as a amplifier to get their point across. So I'd feel like a jackass if I didn't vote. Its amazing how slanted teachers in LAUSD can be. I love it, luckily for me they all slant in the right direction. But who wouldn't when your in the friggin LAUSD...

I should sleep. But I feel like I've successfully become more politically aware tonight. (Even if I just spent an hour watching YouTube...)

]]> ~seeth Mindless Blogging Time~ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/15813985/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/15813985/ Wed, 05 Dec 2007 20:52:46 PST
Obedience school has been going very well. I'm putting in the work, and Jak is really responsive to me. The trainer complimented me last week and always mentions how attentive Jak is to me, she couldn't hear me say the command but could see him listening, so thats cool. No one else really seems to notice, but I guess if your a professional dog trainer you can tell if handlers are really doing the work or not. So I'm happy. I'm kind of sad next week is the last class though, it was pretty fun, and I looked forward to it quite a bit. I think theres a still long way to go until Jak and I could even attempt to pass the Canine Good Citizen, but hey, progress is progress even if he can't heel.

I'm finally getting a online portfolio up and running on a non-free host. I hate my layout though. I worked for over a week on the layout alone, it was so frustrating. I'm not a computer-y person but I like to hard code my pages. I haven't made one in awhile, so after reading a million articles on CSS I finally decided to learn the basics. I had everything set up like I envisioned and then... surprise, transparent div layers totally make whatever beneath them un-clickable. Myeh. So now I have an OK-by-my-standards layout but usability is crap and its not how I wanted it exactly. But whatever, I think if I just get everything online, at least its better than nothing and I can use it for Otis admissions possibly, and eventually change it to something more professional looking. Every spend a week going through articles about web design? People get pretty fired up about proper coding, its kinda hilarious.

Thanks to Youtube I've learned how to make a nice miso soup this week. I've also successfully heated frozen gyoza that tasted delicious. Man I love cooking, even if frozen or not. Waking up at 6:00 AM putting on some Sheryl Crow and going at it is the best way to wake up. So far I've made...super crispy chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin cheesecake, and...well thats it. But I'm slowly learning how to cook different things and I feel accomplished so yeh. Yay for self-sufficiency.

Hmm what else is new. How the hell do people watch Anderson Cooper 360? He is the coolest freaking guy. The hair, the eyes, the suit! Where did he come from man. He could be talking about the most morbidly depressing topic and I'll have a stupid grin on my face. If he's not queer I don't know what is...Good week!

]]> ~seeth Dog Training Day 1 http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/15247023/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/15247023/ Sat, 27 Oct 2007 17:31:43 PDT
So today was the first day of obedience school. It was actually pretty cool. The trainer seems nice enough, and the group seems nice enough as well. The "demo dog" was friggin amazing. Its no wonder that he passed the CGC and now the trainer is a evaluator for the test. I was a little leary about the clicker training, but everyone else was on board, so whatever. I understand the advantages a little better now, and the proof is in the pudding I suppose. I hope I get into the class with this younger guy, he was real friendly, everyone else was kind of a miss. But hey! Its not about you, its about your dog! I should keep that in mind. But if my dog sprays diarrhea on everyone, I'd rather it be the friendly guy than the fragile old people. No offense to old people, Golden Girls, Holla~.

But anyways! I can't wait to begin training. I love love love training. Its incredibly rewarding. I'm still so proud I taught him down! Which really, is no big deal. But hey. So of course, as always, I'm 100%. Everyone else? My dad and brother will screw this up. Pessimistic much? Well hey, I've seen their body of work and expect nothing. Honestly. They are just the two big guys that I occasionally see walking around the house. I haven't had a real conversation with either of them since what...elementary school? My bro already pissed me off as soon as I got home, interrupting my training session to feed Jak pizza. Way to go asshole.

I also went outlet shopping. And it was a success. Inventory. 3 shirts, 3 undies, 3 socks, 1 trouser, 1 vest, and 1 peacoat. So I'm definitely satisfied, although this shopping trip was long overdue.

Thats about it. I think maybe I'll update this blog more regularly to track Jak's progress in obedience school. Man, if Jak could pass the CGC test...that would be amazing.

Oh! And I'm a sculpting fool now. I've made 4 figurines so far, and I absolutely love it. I'm up baking Sculpey until like 3am every night. Polymer clay is addicting. But I need to get a better camera that can take pictures of small objects up close. Myeh. Cameras are expensive.

]]> ~seeth A Jak Rant http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14920954/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14920954/ Fri, 05 Oct 2007 00:44:15 PDT
I feel the need to update on Jak, just for a personal log. I'd love to have a little collection of entries about my dog. But I'm not crazy enough to blog as if I am my dog and refer to myself as "my master", which kind of creeps me out but is surprisingly common.

Anyways. Jak is now basically my kid. I worry about him like a parent would. Not because he's displaying any unruly Husky traits, but because my family never fails at being...my family. Whenever I go to bed I have to see where my dog is, what he's doing, and make sure everything is Husky-proof. This means closing doors, removing knick knacks, refilling his water, etc. Its been over two months now, and I am still getting so upset about him. When I envisioned getting a dog, it was me on the couch enjoying my year off before college, while my parents are at work and my older brother begins art school. So me and Jak chillin. Training. Bonding and the like. But..nooo. No ho ho ho ho. My dad is on night shift for the time being, which means I wake up at like..noon, so I can make my food, get ready, hop on the treadmill, without having to deal with him. So by the time I'm free from my own personal routine, my mom is home and then my brother. When my dad was out of the couttry for a few weeks it was HEAVEN. Oh my goodness. I got up at like 6 each morning, enjoyed early morning T.V. and just chilled with Jak. But now thats all gone to pieces, and I feel my bond with my dog has kind of gone backwards, as well as his training. Now for my complaints...

#1...RESEARCH! This is my pet peeve if I ever had one. I am very well informed about whatever I do. Before I even adopted Jak I put in days of research on the breed, characteristics, training options, etc. Since I've had him I've googled everything from "how to teach fetch" to "removing ticks" to "loose leash walking". On top of that I joined a dog forum, to ask even more questions and get more advice from more experienced owners. BUT! Here's the issue. My parents don't trust me at all. I'm 18 years old and they believe people that don't even own a Husky for dog advice over me. Nothing irks me more than when I have to defend my knowledge which is backed my vets and professionals to random information obtained from an unknown and probably misinformed source. JEEZ. But I deal..

#2...HEALTH/SAFETY! I am a crazy-OCD-Swiffer-swishin' mama when it comes to Jak. So far my mom accidentally let Jak eat fudge and we had to call Poison Control. I've found a shaving blade in Jak's bed. And he's had fleas for longer than any dog should. I constantly have to be his advocate. My brother is 20 something odd years old but never acts like an older brother. I have to wake up in the middle of the night to make sure he closes the door after using the bathroom so Jak doesn't rummage though the bathroom trashcan. Oui.

#3...TRAINING! Oui oui oui! So far I've only taught my dog down. But, hey I'm proud of that! He can now sit and down with only my hand signals. I think thats kind of nifty to be honest. I'm all about NILIF, or nothing in life is free method of training. So basically means...if you want some bacon you have to sit and down for it. I'm all about being consistent. But of course no one else cares, so they feed him whatever whenever without a command. Since my dad's been back and I haven't had much alone time with him, he's become a bit more lazy than I like. He won't come when called without a treat. And now my parents keep letting him outside at night RIGHT after I let him in. I suppose he doesn't mind it, since he's a Husky, but still! He was originally supposed to sleep on my bed, but because of the ticks, he couldn't. So now he won't. ...Why couldn't they listen and buy the Frontline earlier? Anyways. Its just like..ugh. Everyone overrides what I do. I don't mind if you have the knowledge to back it up, I don't mind a professional giving me advice. But its just annoying when people do what they want..and when the dog gets sick they turn to you for answers. The internet isn't hard. Research isn't hard. Ugh.

So yeh. Jak is a lazy bum, he's totally oblivious to the mental tribulations his master goes through on a daily basis. *Sigh* Sometimes I wish I would have waited to have a dog. But I won't have a year off like this for a very long time. College, then work, when would I have a full year to focus on my dog? So whatever. I saw another beautiful dog at the rescue, that I love. He's red with golden eyes, totally something else. I'm sure Jak would love a companion to play with since he doesn't fetch or tug or do any doggy games. I gave it a shot and mentioned it to my dad, and he shot it down in 0000.1 sec. That was great. Its times like that where I'm reminded why I resent my father. Everything is just another expense with him. Why the hell do you have children is you are going to make them feel like a financial hemorrhage? Whate... ]]> ~seeth The Return http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14759125/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14759125/ Sun, 23 Sep 2007 14:03:16 PDT
My friends rarely get me when I talk to them until they see me melt down. People automatically get images of the Brady Bunch floating in their heads when you mention you have a mother and a father and no one is in jail or anything. But that is so not the case. I guess everyone is at ends with their family for the most part? I don't know anymore. I'm a total idealist. If the machine works but could run better, then there needs to be change. Thats the way I see things. My family on the other hand doesn't. Decorating ideas go unfinished...plans are forgotten...my mom actually told me something to the extent of "at least we don't beat you" once. No joke. Comparing yourself to alcoholic parents is a esteem booster I suppose.

So my dad's been gone for about a month on account of vacation and then a funeral. And I totally didn't miss him. Even for me, that sounds so fucked. But its the honest truth. I've only had one serious conversation with my dad and it was when I was in therapy since my mom was in the hospital. I came to him crying my eyes out and he didn't even know what to say to me. He never does. We DON"T talk. I don't care I guess. It really is too late now. I'm 18 now, and we haven't really bonded. Its like...he's the guy that lives with us and pays the bills. But thats it. And its not that I shut him out or something like that, he doesn't make any effort..so why should I? I always wonder if I adopted a child...I'd be a new person, ya know? Its like with my new dog. I didn't just get a dog, pay for it, feed it, and thats it. I've given up what? at least a week of restful sleep for him. When he was outside because the ticks and would howl and whine, I slept on the other side of the glass door. Its automatic. When my mom put chemicals on the bathroom floor and my older brother would leave the door open every hour, I woke up to lock the door again so he wouldn't lick the cleaning products. Its just...instinct. Maybe. I just have this image that a father shouldn't be a constant negative energy, it should be "how can we fix this?" "we can't afford that now, but tell ya what...". My dad sees everything as an unneeded expense. Clothes food dog games whatever. I am provided for, thats for sure. I know I'm better off than most. But...thats not life. I wouldn't want my child to feel like an expense. Like some sort of parasite. And I'd make sure I was positive.

My mom is the same way. Its such a constant negative. She insults and bashes unconsciously. Its second nature. Its always been a lot of yelling from her. One of my childhood memories is of trying to memorize my multiplication tables in elementary school and she yelled till I cried. Thats the way it was. They both have baggage, but who doesn't? Just because I don't have a connection with my father sure as hell doesn't mean I'd allow that to happen if I had a child.

Everyone is quick to say, you have it good! My dad is worse, blah blah blah. But I don't give a crap anymore. Now that I graduated H.S. I have friends that moved out and are living with people and have jobs, and they are so quick to tell you to shut up about your problems. I don't know why a paycheck makes people such elitists, but it does. And its not simply a complaint on living situations. Its not "they are so annoying I wish I didn't live here". Its that in all likelihood there will never be a connection between me and my brother or father. Thats what upsets me and ruins my day. But again...I'm an idealist.

But if anything I've learned from my family, its that I know exactly what qualities to look for when I start dating. I have this negative pessimistic energy passed down to me, so I know I need someone positive. Someone who focuses on the solution rather than the problem. Someone who doesn't take one conversation for granted. I think I really met someone like that, my history teacher last year. He was probably the most optimistic guy ever. He had the education and dedication to work at any school, but he decides to keep teaching the retards at my old H.S. And through it all he never missed a day of class, and no matter who refused to pay attention, he never swayed from the scheduled lesson. Even when he put on a movie, he'd pause it every five minutes to explain the historical significance. He was some kind of sumin' thats for sure. But now that I think about it I'm glad I met someone who was almost annoyingly positive, cause it gives me hope that it does exist and that I'm just not chasing a dream.

]]> ~seeth Learning Japanese http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14555120/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14555120/ Sun, 09 Sep 2007 03:38:42 PDT
Before I left to Japan I had this penpal named Yuri who I met online. First we exchanged e-mails and then we started sending each other snail mail. I think we went back and forth for about a year. When I told her how much I like Studio Ghibli she sent me a pin from the Ghibli Museum in Japan, and to return the favor I sent her a necklace during Christmas. And we talked about a lot of stuff, kinda generic, like music, movies, college. But I always did two versions of my letters, one on notebook paper where I could practice and one on white paper in pen so it'd look neat. She even went more over the top, with stationary and folding the paper all crazy and decorating the envelopes with stickers and such. But I haven't spoken to her since I left for Japan. I was on tour, so I'd be in a lot of major cities for a couple days like Tokyo, Kyoto,Osaka, etc. So I thought I'd ask her to meet up with me, and e-mailed her my itinerary in case she wanted to go to lunch or something'. And the e-mail I got back was thanking me for wishing her luck on her college exams and letting me know she got accepted. But when it came to the meet-up she said "chotto kowaikunai?", which means "isn't it a little scary?" and said she couldn't. At the time I was super pissed, since I was looking forward to it, and told my mom I might have someone to visit. But apparently she thought I was hitting on her and ended with something like "you'd be disappointed I'm not cute or anything". Which SUCKS. Why? BECAUSE I DON"T LIKE CHICKS. I was gonna tell her that I was gay eventually, because at the time it seemed like we'd be friends for a long time. But I guess not. I joke about it now, but its kind of sad. School really sucked, and having someone from another country to talk to and send letters to was a nice escape to get me through the year.

And its really hard to find that. Most people who go to language-exchange sites don't really stay interested. They might just email you, ask you for a picture of yourself, and if you don't send one, they won't reply. So I felt pretty lucky to have a actual friend that invested in me. I dunno though. My friends agree with me, that it was really messed up on her end. If she was visiting CA, I'd definitely at least meet up for lunch. But on the other hand, she's a girl, and she didn't know I was gay and all. I kind of want to e-mail her back. But her last e-mail was really odd...and I onno its been 7 months.

It just seems really weird to me that you can send letters to someone and invest so much time, and then be like "well its kind of scary, sorry. you wouldn't want to meet me anyways, have fun in Japan." Its like what the hell? But yeh...I don't know why but I still have her letters saved. I'd feel like an asshole if I just tossed um', even though I kind of get the feeling she tossed mine.

]]> ~seeth Diddle doo~ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14402015/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14402015/ Wed, 29 Aug 2007 20:50:47 PDT
Then I actually registered for GameFAQS to post a question, since I'm stuck on the last level. And...bad idea. I forgot that people who actually post regularly on GameFAQS are like 13. "I need help with so-and-so." Response: "OMG you suck. So and so is easy. It is. Thats all. Self-esteem +100 pts! Lvl up!" Its wierd. AND my post was deleted and I got a automated message stating I violated their Terms of Service and that any emotion I have towards them is absolutely wrong and also in violation of the TOS..and furthermore if I failed to read the message in its entirety and then click the "I suck" button, that it was also a TOS violation. Jeesh. Major burn from the GameFAQS online forum moderator. It stings.

My dog still has fleas. But of course I'm the most educated about the dog, since I've spent the most time doing research. But my family loves to be annoying and treat him improperly and second-guess everything I say, until someone they see as more fit for giving advice agrees with me. Dog ownership is totally a one-man deal. Eh...possibly two-man :>...

Hum dee doo. I got by Battle Arena Toshinden pic printed almost full page on the October issue of PSM Magazine. But PSM hasn't had a lot of fanart recently, so its no big thing. But its always cool to get your art printed. So that was awesome.

Besides that I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my friend. We have to make up for a year of not hanging out. I really wanna go to like Beverly Hills and Hollywood and the whole mess, but I've never been there even though I live in L.A. I'm hoping its nice...and not crazy expensive. I desperately need new clothes. And I need clothes to wear to shop for clothes...so where do I get that? Online I guess. Yesstyle is the coolest online store ever. All the really sweet ass jackets they had in Takeshita-Dori is like..THERE. Too bad its all Asian sizes..so the chest is like concave and the sleeves go to my elbow. But hey...if theres a small chance it'll look cool if I wear it open, I think its worth it. I'm totally out of places to shop. Express Men has gotten...blah. Abercrombie can suck it, I have no need for a fur trimmed- double lined leather jacket in California in August. Theres a few cute stuff at American eagle and they have "large tall"'s online..so yeh. I need a red bandanna for Jak...it'd be so cute >^<;

]]> ~seeth Jak http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14033902/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/14033902/ Sun, 05 Aug 2007 19:51:20 PDT
But then I found ticks on him. Which totally totally sucks. Those things are scary. I know he didn't get it from walking around my block, because I kept him on concrete. But the rescue worker mentioned he was being treated. I really thought they would remove the ticks before hand...but I guess not.

Since I don't want ticks infesting the house, and the rescue owner recommended, we're having him sleep outside for a few days. I really really didn't want to do this. My bedside dog dream is just crushed. And he looks so sad out there waiting for me to let him in. And I'm a nervous wreck...I just keep thinking he'll run away or strangle himself on the leash or ..something. Since I got him I haven't even had a moment to myself. He follows me around and watches me eat and stuff.

This is seriously hard work. Which is really scary. I know I'm capable of taking care of him. But its scary to think that everyday will be as hectic. But I guess its the first day, so it'll get better. I couldn't ask for a better dog. Its just his ticks and his not going to the bathroom that has me all anxious. I wish I could take him to a vet right now..the more stuff I look up on the internet , the more stuff I have to worry about.

-ticks fleas and lime disease
-heart worms n worms
-eye problems, glaucoma, cataracts..
-hip displasia

UGH! Its a lot to take on. This is probably what having a baby feels like...sorta. I can't wait till he's all cleaned up and settled in, then I can actually have to to bond with the guy.

]]> ~seeth Max and Stuff http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13907001/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13907001/ Fri, 27 Jul 2007 21:00:34 PDT
I'm over that.

I'm getting a dog! Or at least...I really really hope so. There's this cute Siberian Husky at a local rescue organization named Max and I'm so in love with this guy. I had to argue against my mom for hours before they were convinced that this wasn't a whim and that I knew what I was doing. But hey. I've wanted a pet for like..the past 5 years but they never actually follow through. Closest I got before was ordering 'Golden Retrievers for Dummies'. But tomorrow I'm heading down to Petco's Adoption Fair to take a look at the dog. I already filled out the adoption application. I am SO NERVOUS. Theres an interview and a home check as well assuming that my application flies. So yeh I'm really praying that Max works out, and that the application is alright, and that no one else is after him. When I first saw him I was like...'ugh..don't look at him...don't get attached...' then I printed hsi adoption page out and I'm totally in love with him, even though I've never seen him in person. Honestly, if I don't get him for whatever reason I'm gonna be heartbroken. But I've wanted a dog for so long...I'm enjoying dog-proofing and reading training guides and such. If my fear of rejection from a dog is this high...I can't imagine how bad it'll be when I start dating T^T;.

]]> ~seeth AX 2007 + Life http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13558649/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13558649/ Sun, 01 Jul 2007 00:40:14 PDT
So I GRADUATED. I finally did it. Algebra 2, and all the bitches aside, I made it. I was the only one at the ceremony who didn't wear the stupid cap. That was my low-key parting "screw off" to my high school.

And maybe the best thing to happen was that the teacher that I have a crazy crush on...actually signed my yearbook! Thank god for my friends. One of them pushed me , literally, into him so I was forced to get him to sign it. Its sad that he's quitting this year, since he's like the most genuinely dedicated and intelligent guy. But its kinda cool too, I feel like lucky to be in his last set of classes. He raised my C to an A at the last moment because apparently I was deserving of it. And I've read what he wrote in my yearbook like...1000+ times. Its so sweet...and well-written. It was kind of the perfect way to end four years of misery. Hope I see him again one day..like when I'm 25

.

~~Anime~~ ANNA Expo 2007!

AX has been totally exhausting. Long Beach SUCKS. Its pretty and all, but the setup makes people walk around the entire convention center in circles.

Gripes: Long ass lines, stupid UCLA-graduate-but-no-social-skill-staffers, fat middle age line-cutters, art show staff...being characteristically themselves with their lack of organization.

But I just kept saying to myself "Anna...Anna...Anna is here...somewhere". And I made it through. I went to her Focus Panel first. Holy crap Anna is the most beautiful girl I've seen. And totally funny. Then by God's grace I found her autograph session, I was second to last in line! But I got in. She looked up at me when I handed her my picture to sign and she was like "HI!~" in that really crazy raspy awesome Anna voice. So then of course I froze and mumbled "Thank You" and stumbled off and bought her Taste My xxxremixxxx CD which totally kicks ass...AND THEN.

THE CONCERT. HOLY CRAP. It rocked my world. This is like my first concert, if you don't count the Pokemon one I went to when I was like 10. I went in thinking "eh...I'll stand up, but I'm not gonna wave my arms around.." But then...she came out. Damn that girl is crazy. Her performance was amazing. She connects with her audience so well. I swear she looked at me like 10 times. It started with me standing with hands in my pocket..then by the second song I was totally rocking out. I can't even describe it. I was in third row just a little off center so I could actually see like..everything. So amazing. At the end after she walked off everyone started chanting her name for an encore and then she popped back out. It was sooooo friggin sweet.

Then I was so high off of her I went to the merchandise booth and bought 4 huge ass posters of her for 40$.

I've totally matured...I think I'm not so financially bipolar. I can now rationalize and distinguish between crap and non-crap.

So at con total expenses:

Anna Remix CD : 25$
Anna Posters : 40$

Total :65$

Every previous year of AX I've spent like over 100$ on anime stuff, and any of it that wasn't CD/DVDs ended up in my garage.

So Monday I'll check to see if anyone actually bid on my two paintings. It would be awesome if someone actually did. But I was happy just to see it there in an actual like..art show with people walking around and people checking bags at the entrance.

I can't even sleep. I'm still so pumped from that concert -_-;...

]]> ~seeth It started with a chicken... http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13345193/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13345193/ Thu, 14 Jun 2007 16:20:04 PDT
Well lets see. The upside was defintely my art teacher capturing a chicken and the entire school being T.P.-ed. But I heard the senior prank wasn't even by...seniors. I also got to play Ouendan 2 with DS-linky-thing. Holy shit, that is SO fun. Now if only more people I knew would get DS's...

Downside. A ton of minor things like my comp teacher being a fucktard as well as the school admins. But thats nothing new or unexpected. But everyone at school was a complete bitch today. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with Thursday but there was a cloud of Bitch all over the school.

So yeh. The main thing though is that I didn't get to properly say goodbye to the teacher I've had a huge crush on all year. But everyone did. He's like the only thing I find remotely attractive at school. But sometimes I think.I could make a manequin hot out of boredom. One of the many plus's of no longer being a high school kid is that, there will no longer be any boredom-induced crushes. But yeh. This teacher totally wasn't. Actually he was a bit too ...common-hot-guy-looking? But he was such a friggin well-intentioned, eco-friendly, dork. So charming. And I'm an idiot and always ditch his class and whenever he talks to me I'm like "yeh...ok". He said "take care". Ugh. As offended as I was by such a lameass parting phrase...I just waved ._.;. Meh. I wanted him to sign my yearbook really bad. But I don't think its gonna happen... I can't manage to speak to him out of e-mail...so asking for something that reads : I have a super gay crush on you: is defintely not gonna happen...

Meh. I hope when I'm more "adult" and actually start dating...I'm not like this. I think more often than not, my social anxiety and shyness around people I like (romantically and otherwise) is taken as indifference or straight up bitchyness. Blah. "Take care!" Thats it?! T^T; *sigh* I'm 18! I didn't think I even had it this bad for him until today... gyah.

Girls have it so fuckin easy. I swear. If any girl complains about not getting a guy... I think I'll just throw them out the nearest window...

4 more days and NEVER AGAIN.

[a couple minutes later]

OK. This is still bothering me so.. Its just like a different guy in my position would utilize every oppurtunity to form a friendship...even if it wasn't profitable in ~that~ way. Which I don't even want. Meh. Its like...there were so many times where I prolly should have said something, or showed interest...and I was just "...". Jeez. I mean really, just putting forth effort is the difference between " don't ever change" and 1 page signatures ne? I don't know if I'm more upset simply because I thought he was so adorable or because it all reflects on my behavior and is foreshadowing what is looking to be a very lonely future. T^T.

]]> ~seeth 3 weeks http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13219470/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13219470/ Mon, 04 Jun 2007 18:55:36 PDT
I got rejected again! I'm 0 for 2. Express didn't hire me cause I was underage (17) and Anime Gamers didn't hrie me because they "filled the positions last week". I wonder if they are just shielding me from the truth that I lack work experience and couldn't satisfy their criteria or not. Cause when some kid puts "anime club" in their hobbies/interests portion of their resume..God knows their desperate... Meh. My mtoher's friend is trying to pull some strings for a summer job, it'd be totally kickass if that didn't fall through. Putting N/A's through all the work experience boxes is really disheartening.

[Omg this 'gloomy' mood icon is really well done! v ]

]]> ~seeth 4 weeks http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13057192/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/13057192/ Tue, 22 May 2007 22:22:37 PDT
]]> ~seeth 18 http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/12161686/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/12161686/ Mon, 12 Mar 2007 19:57:32 PDT
So I turned 18. People came over, well really just the same old people. My grandma, aunt, and my mom's friend. Its been like that for the past couple of years. My grandpa doesn't bother to show up, and everyone else is in Canada or Florida. I slept in my room, then woke up to blow out candles, then went back to bed. That was it.

Recently, I'm incredibly tired. I go to school, return home, sleep, then go to school again. Which means I'm spending more than 12 hours asleep. I don't really mind though, its actually very welcomed. School is getting more and more exhausting. Even though I do little work, just being in that place steals away my energy. I have 3 periods free with Ms.Levi and the rest academic courses. Now I have to stay after in adult school till 5pm, but it turns out that its not so bad.

Everything is just...bleh now. I look at my room, and remember telling myself I'd clean it three weeks ago, but still haven't done it. I look at the applications on my desk, I have yet to fill out, from months past. Thats just how things have been lately. If I can do laundry for the next day, or eat more than 2 meals a day, I feel like I've accomplished something. Days merge into one another and I feel like I need to shed my skin.

I'm leaving for Japan in 2 weeks. I have no expectations. Its best to expect nothing, so when I get there every good thing that happens will be a present, and everything bad will seem less severe. Hopefully I'll be energetic enough to survive. I kind of get the feeling I'll fall in love with Kyoto. I hope its just a bit like I imagine it.

One of my friends is moving to Brazil, possibly. I don't mind much, because for the past year she hasn't been my friend at all, just the image of what was her. My best friend got accepted to Washington U. I'm really dissapointed. I was hoping she'd come back to LA.

Its days like these where death seems kind of welcomed, or almost a reward. To never have to concern yourself with the opinions of others and be confined to the same places everyday. But maybe that just means I've lost sight of a goal. People with goals usually don't view things that way.

Hmm I think I'll watch a movie :]

]]> ~seeth 6 Months Remain http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/11570445/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/11570445/ Thu, 25 Jan 2007 21:43:25 PST
I've been ditching a lot. My art teacher or maybe mentor? Perhaps friend? Has started a on-going email conversation with me. It really keeps me going. Shes such a character. Always supportive, and full of interesting insights, anecdotes, and quotes to fill my head with...just enough to escape my cage. Shes someone I don't want to lose touch with. She told me she'd like to see me as an art teacher, and now I'm kind of considering it as a back up plan. Sadly she'll be retiring soon after I graduate.

School is tough. Whoever said senior year goes by quickly, never went to my highschool. I just need someone to tell me this isn't as good as it gets. Going to Japan in March/April will hopefully refresh me and keep me going till June. One of my junior high friends was in love with all things old. I swear, he wished he lived back in the days of knights and lords. But now I totally get him, devastatingly so. I feel like I've wasted 17 years. Like I am being punished for some crime I commited before I even came into existance.

Although my teacher sympathizes with me fully, and goes as far as to apologize for what I have to endure routinely, I feel as if I'm coming off as incredibly ungrateful. I have a freshman friend who says she'd rather be at school, because her home life is that bad. But really when it comes down to it..one man's hell is another's heaven right? My teacher quoted something along the lines of, "happiness is the result of the bondage that one feels". And I think HS is the most restrictive thing imaginable. Like a robot waking up everyday to endure egotistical teachers while doing pointless assignments and kissing ass for 7 years.

Well. Tommorrow is my test. I will probably fail, and end up failing this semester. Which will lead to a freak out from my parents when I have to find a way to make it up. Then the weekend. Then finals..

]]> ~seeth AX2007 Art Show Registration http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/11274465/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/11274465/ Mon, 01 Jan 2007 12:19:06 PST

- A memory of this fantastic New Year's Day morning

! -

Update: OK so basically I got screwed by AX. Instead of actually listening to what people have to say, they do the easiest thing possible and push back registration, so I get to do this again. Oh I can't wait till the lag gets me screwed out of a space

! Jeez. The more involved I get with AX the more it seems like its run by a bunch of teenage kids. With such large attendance and sponsors, crap like this should not be happening. Which leaves me to believe its basically the staff. Artist Alley was freaking lame last year, between the heat, the crowds, people stealing tables, and crappy floorplans. Honestly if this wasn't an anime convention, stuff like this would never happen. This is like the 100th AX and they still can't even get it right. People should learn to proofread

]]> ~seeth Supportless http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/11216777/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/11216777/ Wed, 27 Dec 2006 22:19:54 PST
Well its that time of year again. Anime Expo time! Well, actually its months away, but still I'm excited and the AX forums are coming back to life with anticipation. So recently I decided it would be cool to volunteer at this coming AX as well as participate in the Art Auction. And that was my first mistake, having any plans or expectations garuntees dissapointment. I ran the idea by my mom and we got in a fight and as of right now AX = "whateva~". And my mom always knows how to insult me in just the right ways...lets take a loook:

1. Illness/Age - Bring up your own age and how tired you feel to put more guilt on me. Bring up last year's Anime Expo which apprently was incredibly stressfull on "the family". Believe me, I'm not out there to be a pain in the ass. But for once I wish people would smile and say yeh thats a great idea Brian! You've done your research, Lets make it happen! Instead of ' Umm..what? >:\ Why are you even going..?"

2. Your Aunt Was Pissed! - Bring up that my aunt, who I have a nice relationship was also "stressed" and didn't want to be involved with AX. Thanks for the info, feeling the guilt is much better than jsut saying 'no' to begin with right?

3. You're Alone! - Oh yes. This is the cream on the cake. I'll admit I don't have many friends, and the friends I do have are on drugs..uninterested in anime..or don't even live in CA. But it still stings when your mom reminds you how many times your friends flaked out on you. Oh yeh. Mom 5 My Self-esteem 0.

4. You don't appreciate us! - Oh wow. Its hard to explain this without sounding like a spoiled brat. So lets use an analogy...Theres a popsicle on the ground, delicious, but covered in crud. Do you want it? For me, the answer has always been yes...thinking that a bad popsicle is better than none at all. My parents will prolly do anything for me, right? Yeehh.. They'll drive me there, fill out the forms, loan me the cash. But they can never do it..willingly ya know? Its always "You stressed us the fuck out. No one likes Anime. This is bullshit. But we'll do it cause your a whiny brat that won't shut up." Fine, I get what I'm aiming for ne? NO. God. You know what I fantasize about when I think of my ideal guy? Just someone thats there for me. That would say "Hey I'll sufffer a little but I'm not gonna let it show, I'm not gonna make a fuss and make you feel like shit, just because I want this for you!" Its always me vs. my parents. The fact that I managed to sell my artwork by myself, register, get in and out of my room, and deal with everyone in between without anyone there to help means nothing to them. All that matters is that it was a hassle, they lost sleep and money. So yeh...that fucking popsicle is so not worth it.

But yeh..this is the same shit that happens for everything. School trips, visiting colleges, anime expo. Whatever. I think thats why I'm amazed by teachers who do things for me and take interest in me. I still have gifts from teacher's in elementary school and had them sign my yearbook and stuff. Especially my art teacher now, who I have in my cell...she defintely goes out of her way to help me out. I can ditch with her, be completely honest, whatever. She even got me a pamphlet from the art college she graduated from..and I showed my mom and she was like "ok thats nice". I dunno... Just for fucking once I wish I could do something and have some support...

]]> ~seeth Blah http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/10653141/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/10653141/ Tue, 07 Nov 2006 21:54:42 PST
I don't know though. I'm in love with all these ideas of idealistic friendship but in reality I only put forth the effort to maintain acquaintences. But I think a part of me is totally happy as long as I don't show my vunerability, but the other hates the defining factors of a real friendship. Being social just seems so dirty to me. Besides the drama, everyone seems to be abusing some substance or a slut or whatever. But I think maybe its just this age and more specifically this school and the people I've been hanging out with since elementary and junior high.

Thank God this crap will be over soon. I wasn't designed for highschool (is anyone?). Senior year is a big dissapointment, but nothing can be done now. If it wasn't for my iPod I think I'd seriously go nuts

]]> ~seeth Back to School/Hell http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/10205704/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/10205704/ Wed, 27 Sep 2006 16:16:46 PDT
I started back at my ghetto highschool to finish my year with my friends! But...its day two of my return, and I'm quickly realizing I don't have any friends. In fact for the first time in my life, I'm hated. I ask myself sometimes why I write stuff like this, just pointless ranting, but I think its important. Now that I'm basically alone socially, I think its a goos catharsis to write like this, so whatever. I think the problem is, and has always been, that I expect too much of people. I guess my standards are high, compared to everyone else. But asking for a friend who isn't an ass or a druggie doesn't seem so far out to me. Basically, I have one friend that I can rely on. And she doesn't even live in the state, which adds to the sadness. But somehow I think we both went through the same process of leaving school and seeing how our friends changed after a year, so she can relate to me. And I think we both have the same standards when it comes to friendship, like common courtesy of calling someone back. And I feel like shes on my level. I suppose thats egotistical, but I jsut feel like we're above highschool. Above "goth" and "emo" and all the BS drama, which will be forgotten anyways. I think when you experience death, or facing death, or anything that makes you re-evaluate your whole life, you just grow. And its really hard to stay connected to people who still haven't figured out whats important in life. And it just sucks to see people you've known for years kill themselves or turn toxic. Well thats it socially. Class wise, I don't know what to think. My art teacher is...beyond words. Without her mere presence at school, I wouldn't have one teacher I felt I could go to. My english teacher, in the brief minutes we met, she seemed like a real biztch. My US hist teacher is...really really handsome. But he shouts and I hate his class, his teaching style and the students. My computer class is with freshman, I'm a senior, but its OK somehow. Algebra 2 is going to kill me. The teacher doesn't give a crap. So basically, its up to me to teach myself for now. So yeh, right now I'm kinda wondering why I came back. But to be honest, this is my only option. And everything is just too much for me, from my parents being sick, to my mental state, homeschool, and now all this drama back at highschool. I just feel burnt out, like I can just break down any second. But whatever...I feel better now that I've put my random bitching out there in cyberspace...

]]> ~seeth Super Happy Friend Time http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8968181/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8968181/ Sun, 04 Jun 2006 11:48:37 PDT
Begin~

I'm begining to realize how fake my friends are. And not just any of them, but the ones I've known for a long time and actually gave a damn about. I just had a fight with one. And it was one of those great fights. The ones where your fighting with someone about a specific incident, but then it turns into a fight about their personality and it ends in you never wanting to speak to them again. So yeh, that was a great way to start off the day. Maybe its just girls? When girls say total BS to you for a period of hmm..4 years...maybe I should have picked up on it faster. Or maybe when they blow you off whenever you need them, and totally deny that they are totally messed up. I should have gotten the point. But jeez, what a waste of time. I can deal with people being asses to me, but I'd rather you just be upfront about it. Don't use me as your personal therapist then be an ass, it doesn't work like that. But whatever, I'm so sick of this 17 year old mindset that everyone I know has. Well, not everyone. But still...its such an annoyance. I mean, if your gonna be an ass...why not do it in solitude..why try and sustain ties to people? And for the record the reason I can post so blatantly here, is because she doesn't even give a damn enough to check my DA. So yeh. People are such instable investments.. ]]> ~seeth AX http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8918693/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8918693/ Tue, 30 May 2006 06:55:24 PDT
And DA doesn't let you input Japanese characters? That seems really shocking to me. Hmm...does..this show: ãã¼ãã¼ï¼ï¼ ããã ã§ã ã?

]]> ~seeth Comfort http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8513041/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8513041/ Tue, 18 Apr 2006 17:03:43 PDT
I should really compile all my journals into one place... I have things from years ago from Xanga to my own Blog and now DA...

Anyways. I was reading Utada Hikaru's blog entry. She was talking about borders. Basically, that its human nature to create artificial outlines because it helps us to view things easier and more comfortably. I was thinking the same could be said about genres..and basically all grouping. I've seen a lot of my friends limit themselves based on titles. Wether it be a favorite music genre or even their sexual preferance. I suppose the bottom line, is that everyone is looking to be a part of something greater than themselves. And we all feel the need to sacrifice, in order to deserve. So we sacrifice our desires, likes, or opinions so we can fit. It seems pointless though. But it seems that I can't escape being stereotyped.

]]> ~seeth Yup! http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8464583/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8464583/ Thu, 13 Apr 2006 23:56:52 PDT
]]> ~seeth Find Me. http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8199216/ http://seeth.deviantart.com/journal/8199216/ Thu, 13 Apr 2006 23:49:22 PDT
Alright. So my mom got Thyroid Cancer months ago. For months I was OK. I lived life, with all the joy I had previously. Just living to live. Anime, music, tv, art, all fun. Then recently. I started feeling taken over by the world. By cancer, and disease and death. Every channel seemed to be sayign someone was suffering. And now I can't even watch TV or be with people, without thinking of death and probability. So of course, in times of great distress I pray. I'm a christian. Although sometimes I forget that, in the times of need I always rmemeber. And through it all, I have always felt that the Lord was there. Somewhere. So on Wedsday I couldn't sleep. What if I died? Have I completed all I wanted to? What If a lvoed one died? Will I be able to go on? I was now totally freaked out...just...indescribable anxiety. So I was in the living room at 1am and just decided to pray. Hoping it would give me peace. But it didn't. At the moment I felt alone. As if all my friends could never relate. My parents would be burdened. And I wasn't even sure what I was facing. But then suddenly, I just decided to go upstairs and drag my mom down to talk. I needed to know the facts about what was going on with her, and I thought that would give me peace. But it didn't. The next day I was watching a biography of a chef, and the chef's brother died of cancer. And then my day was ruined. I fell to pieces, my stomach ached. I felt sick mentally and otherwise. So Last night this feeling came back. And I jsut decided to talk to my mom again. At first I thought I'd just go back to my room and not bring it up. But things have a way of coming out, when they need to. I talked for hours and cried and cried. And still I don't feel better. Although I'm trying. I just want to talk to as many people as possible, simply because it helps me.

Its interesting. Before bad things happen you live day to day, and things just pass you by. You feel invincible. And even when someone tells you about a harsh reality, it still doesn't affect you fully. But now that this has happened. I won't be the same. And that scares me. I want to be carefree again. But I'm slowly realizing. You don't choose your life. God chooses your life for you. So when I feel I'm too weak, and I'm too mad, and everything hurts too much. There is a plan. There is a process. And there is hope. Even as i write this, my stomach is still tight, and I don't feel happy. But I know I will be. I have to believe this. God scared me. My religion was more of a cage, but then I realized, you must use your faith to set you free.

I always debated religion with my mom. I mean, it was fun. And people always say you have to come to god with an "open heart". I didn't know what that meant. I thought my heart was open. But it took all this to open it. And how did I know my heart was open? Because I saw life in a new light. I saw religion as a lifeline, a connection. Instead of my mom sounding like a preacher, she sounded like someone who was a teacher. Someone who wanted me to be happy.

I don't know all the answers yet. I don't know where my walk with God will go. I don't know If i need to go to therapy. I don't know what life has in store for me. But I know theres more to life than this feeling I have now. I know I was happy before. I need to find that happiness again. So now I'm on this spiritual...journey? How cliche. But, things happen for a reason right? And religion aside. Living in fear is not healthy. And mathematically speaking, the odds are that I could die tomomorrow. Anyone could. I just need to find my faith.

I don't know where I'm going, but I want to enjoy getting there.

]]> ~seeth