I've been trying to figure out how to word this journal, without sounding like I'm crying for attention, or being irrational, or just plain stupid. I've gone back and forth between sharing this part of my life and keeping it private, but, I decided that it is easier for me to just share, and get it out there.

If you don't remember, my dog Sebastian has been getting pretty sick - I wrote a journal about it awhile ago which I apparently then deleted. I'm not sure why I did that, but it's gone.

About a month or so ago my parents took him to the vet, and they did a biopsy of a growth in his mouth. They tested the blood and tissue and found that it was cancerous, and that the rest of the bumps and lumps on him were basically the same thing. They gave him penicillin to stop the smell and fight the infection that attacked his mouth from chewing it, and my parents took him home.

This past week when I was home for winter break Sebastian got to the end of his bottle of pills, and it was pretty clear how bad the infection was. He's also been having some trouble walking - he's old and has stiff joints that are hard to move sometimes.

My parents have thought long and hard about what to do for him, and they've basically exhausted all options. We could have had him go in for surgery to remove the growth in his mouth, but the vets say the cancer just would have continued spreading and eventually hit organs that would really put him in pain. And of course there are just the dangers of surgery itself... he is an old dog, and surgeries are hard even on healthy creatures.

The end decision is to have him put down, which will be happening tomorrow or within the next few days. I made sure he will not be in any pain when they do it, and my parents will be with him through the entire thing so he is not scared.



I'm not really sure if I can express how much pain, sadness, guilt, and anger I feel right now. I can remember the exact moment back on July 4th, 1998 that I found out we were getting him - our first dog. We were on our way home from fireworks when I heard my parents say the word "puppy" and I started begging them to tell me what was going on. After me and my brother pestered them a bit they finally told us; the next morning we'd be going to a persons house whose dog had had a litter of puppies. We ended up picking Sebastian - the youngest, but largest, puppy of them all. We shared the same birth date - May 30th. And get this - he was born in '98, I was born in '89.



Sebastian helped me get over my intense fear of dogs. I used to not even be able to handle being around tiny dogs - but he really calmed my young mind.

I remember the first few days we had him, he would cry and whimper at night because he missed his brothers and sisters. But soon enough he was full fledged member of our family; always happy and jumping whenever we would come home. We even taught him a few tricks - roll over, shake, crawl on the ground.



He grew into such a large dog, it was unbelievable that he once was such a small little pup. But even as a big dog he was so gentle... he could take a dog bone right from your fingers and you wouldn't feel his teeth at all. He was even gentle enough to play with my little kitten Delilah when I got her in 2007.




Growing up with an animal they become more than just a pet. The... ]]> =selizabeth http://selizabeth.deviantart.com/journal/23327053/ http://selizabeth.deviantart.com/journal/23327053/ Sat, 21 Feb 2009 15:31:21 PST
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It seems crazy that it's already Friday... Sunday morning I'll be heading back to school.
I've had a lovely time the past few days with ~tomthefirst and I'm quite pleased to announce that, barring some financial tragedy or other unforeseen event, we will be living together next school year in a gender neutral suite. It is meant as a two person suite, so it has two bedrooms, but we'll be living in one and having the other as a spare room for whatever we want. The suite also has it's own bathroom and common area - we'll share a kitchen with the rest of the building. It'll be quite a step up, going to the second newest building on campus from the oldest.

I got a good chunk of homework done so far, and even though I've still got more to go and studying for my first exam this semester (eek) I feel good.

Been lining up lots of shoots which I'm very excited for! Stay tuned for new photos And a few other things I cannot speak about quite yet but are very exiciting and photography related

$Moonbeam13 recently appointed the new GM for commercial photography, and I encourage everyone to stop by ^orangefruits' page to say hello!

I will not pretend my heart isn't hurt by being passed over, but I am genuinely interested in seeing what this fresh face will be bring to the table and I wish him the best of luck

finally finally finally made it to winter break, so now I'm home for a week. Still got a fair ammount of work to do - bunch of reading and a short essay for philosophy, finish an analysis paper that's due from last semester, study for art history, and shoot three rolls.
Outside of academic work I have 21 photos to fully retouch in the next 2-3 days so I can be caught up when ~tomthefirst comes to see me.

I'm pleased with how my photography is progressing






So how are you?

Just got done with digital art for the day... been there since 8am. Yikes.
However my professor has realized pretty clearly that I don't need this class and that I know the vast majority of what she's teaching, so she just lets me retouch photos and play with my tablet ()

I'm very happy with how the photos from my latest shoot turned out, in case you missed 'em:

There are others but since I've sloooowed down my retouching and am doing it much more thoroughly it takes me forever to get through them, and now that the school week is started back up in full force I've got even less time on my hands.

Socially things are pretty good. Not much to say on that front.

edit: to clarify a bit... it seems that a lot of testosterone filled little boys tend to butt heads with me when they start trying to tell me how to take photos. That's what I'm reacting to, not to other words. People like =phydeau, =whenSmyledoesnttalk, :devcassdj:, :devedoust:, ^Helewidis, *romansgirl, ~tomthefirst, and more than I can't think of off the top of my head give actual helpful comments along with the sugary "fluff" that we all need from time to time to keep us going.

/edit

I've been drastically pruning my devWATCH list; a few days ago I watched over 200 people, right now I've got it narrowed down to just a little over a 100. The people I took off were mostly people that have left dA, haven't been active in weeks, people that I can't remember why I watched them, artists who aren't producing art that interests me anymore, etc etc. Right now I've been fluctuating around 129 watchers, with one or two dropping off occasionally because I don't put up with shit. So let me just say this: I appreciate everyone who watches me, but I don't work for you. I like to make what I like to make, and just because someone isn't done in a way that you prefer doesn't mean it's a mistake. And if you act like a smartass saying "oh well fine I won't comment on your stuff anymore then since you're SOO insulted"... I'll do you a favor and block you to take away any temptation.

I am at a point in my photography where I'm not desperate for every scrap of critique and "helpful" advice and tips that get thrown at me. I have learned a lot lately about lighting and retouching, and I'm getting more and more to the point where the things that need improvement are more "team" things - fine tuning poses, hair, make-up, wardrobe, locations, concepts, etc... things that people online can't really help with by just looking at one photo. My learning experiences are hands on now, not just textual information based like they have been. I am at a point where I learn more and benefit more from just shooting as much as I can and soaking in as much photography as I can, and then picking apart the results. I know, I know "other people can be more objective and see things you miss" - yeah, sure, in a lot... ]]> =selizabeth http://selizabeth.deviantart.com/journal/23010438/ http://selizabeth.deviantart.com/journal/23010438/ Wed, 04 Feb 2009 20:01:38 PST
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Been working at breakneck speed ever since I got back on campus, and it finally caught up with me... ended up leaving work early this morning after working just half an hour, and I spent the rest of the day whining at ~tomthefirst and sleeping.

I'm trying desperately to start earning income from my photography and/or find a second job so that I can spread out my hours from my current job. I have everything smushed into Monday-Thursday, and then spend friday-sunday trying to rest, do homework that I put off during the week, and do my own outside projects. It's just not working... my work load is just too enormous. I did the math and monday-thursday I basically have four hours a day to shower, eat three meals, do homework, and attempt to have a life.

I have to shoot, develop, and make contact sheets for three rolls of film every week outside of the six hours I spend actually IN CLASS for photography. If you have never developed your own film from start to contact sheet, it can take a very long time. I did one roll last night, and it took me roughly 4 hours to go from blank roll of film, to fully finished contact sheet (which incidentally is the one I uploaded to here). And I'm supposed to have two more fully finished contact sheets tomorrow night :\

Then there's Philosophy which I skipped today... digital art which is all day monday's and leaves me feeling like a zombie. And medieval art history; I'll be writing a thesis paper for that course and it's already basically got me pissing myself from fear. My topic question is "How does the art of Sicily reveal the fusion of Christian and Islamic style?" And don't get me wrong, I really do love studying islamic art and briefly considering minoring in art history, but to write a damn 7 page thesis paper on it has got me quivering.

Luckily (knock on wood) I have gotten a few nibbles (knock on wood) about paid photography jobs, so I hope those will come to fruition (knock on wood!!). A photographer I met at a strobist meeting a few weeks ago contacted me about assisting him this summer, so I should hopefully be doing that. He's also opening up a "co-up" kind of community studio for photographers in the area, and told me I am always free to stop by and play this summer if I want to; so that will be very fun and downright awesome!

I've started replying to craigslist ad's looking for wedding photographers in the hopes I can land a job; I'm also keeping my ears open at school since from time to time people call the art department here looking to hire a student photographer for wedding work. And I finally sat down and wrote a letter to my former principal and the prom committee adviser to see if I can set up a little booth at their prom this spring and then sell the prints to students.

It's slow... but it's a start.

I had something I planned on putting here but I forgot what it was. Umm... here's my latest deviation:



it's gotten more views that I thought it would... but no comments. Sooo people are drawn in by the thumb but don't feel compelled to share anything. Maybe my super long winded artist comment scares them off.

more shoots soon.

eh. goodnight.