deviantART: by:silentlydrowning

Mourning

~silentlydrowning — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 12:52:14 PST

I'm very sad today. My friend was killed Monday night in an accidental shooting. I found out yesterday, but I was a mess trying to come to terms with it. I've known him for eight, almost nine years. He wasn't a bad person, never hung out with the wrong crowd... he was always smiling, and he always had the funniest jokes. He loved his job and the thrill of saving lives. I still can't accept it-- I can't accept that I'll only be able to see his smile in pictures...

Really, this is the shittiest year EVER.

-J

"Looking Back, I Realized...

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:43:28 PST

S I L E N T L Y D R O W N I N G||J.

...I stared too long at shadows..."

I just got a bite of creative buzz on my ass (wish it wouldn't hit while I was driving though! Writing and driving is dangerous!) and I'm thinking of new poems and maybe even a song. This time I think it will be a little more...personal. I've been going through a lot of things this year-- things beyond my control, things I feel foolish for not being able to control, things I cannot change, and people whose hearts I cannot have. Thanksgiving was a few days ago... when asked, I said I was thankful for the memories, because sometimes that's all we have to hold on to. Lovers and souls have passed me in this trying year, and though I feel utterly defeated, my resilience will spring forth again and I'll be back... maybe not better than ever, but definitely back.

In other words...
"Fuck this drama. I'm getting up and getting over it!!"
-Shindou Shuichi

-J

The New Poetry Is HERE!

~silentlydrowning — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:59:13 PST

S I L E N T L Y D R O W N I N G||J.

I just posted my new poems up and I hope they are viewed well. It would help more if I had a preview or something to go with it. People tend to shy away from words (especially A LOT of them) in favor of pretty pictures. Which I'm not mad at, but hey, what can you do?

I wrote and revised and labored over Daily Devotional [link] for almost 2 weeks. I wish I could have done more with it to make it more expressive. Oh well, it's up now. Morning View [link] isn't new, but I decided that it should go up because it's apart of the theme. Basically the progression of the story goes a lil' something like this:

1)Morning View [link]
2)The Feast [link]
3)Daily Devotional [link]
4)These Streets Of Glory [link]

All but the first have pretty dark themes, but the story I created was never meant to be happy. It's a tangled web of love and deceit. It's so wrong and it's never, ever right. I kind of like it. One day, you might too

Thanks again to =Lord-Kevinz for being my inspiration. He's what I always imagined "T" to look like, and I'm so glad I found a live body to give a heartbeat to my thoughts. Sorry for kind of defiling the character who has your likeness! Forgive me! He, unlike a lot of my characters, does end up happy, though!

Let me stop while I'm ahead. Thanks for your time!
-J.

P.S. I was looking around today and I found one of the most magnificent, true works of art today. Not only is it beautiful to look at, but the message is so achingly exquisite that I have to feature it here:

Lullabies For The Weakened Eyes

~silentlydrowning — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:36:41 PST

S I L E N T L Y D R O W N I N G||J.

I'm so dangerously close to finishing my poem... I carry this damn notebook around with me everywhere and I scribble away until my fingertips burn. I love this feeling. If I didn't love politics so damned much, this would have been my profession. Maybe. I just love creating. It's fun to think that there is a vast bounty of words for me to mold and assemble into infinite possibilities. The fabrication of letters... what a delicious, perfect creature. The very thing that can bring a nation to its knees is the very same machine that can spell out the triumphs of love. It's a many splendored thing, I tell you.

Anyway...

I'm going to try protecting my works further under my deviantART name and my real name. I feel that if I don't protect my works under my real name and I publish them in something (book, magazine, etc.) then I might be sued by deviantART even though it is all my handiwork. I don't want to go through that grief. It says under my deviation that it's copyrighted under ~silentlydrowning, but is this name and all of its entries owned by deviantART? This is why I'm so reluctant to share some of these poems and stories... I don't want to get sued for reprinting what is already mine. Those are my thoughts, my heart, my being, my beloved words.

I can't stand drama. So the thought of this makes me ill. I hope that my worries are just that and not the case.

I'll see what I can work out.

Besides that, I want to give a very special thank you to my muse . He is a tremendous beauty and seems to be so much more behind those captivating looks. He's given me so much inspiration in the past few days for one of my characters, which this poem is about. Never really talked beyond the polite "thank you's," but I can tell that he is definitely a gentle soul.

Expect the newest poem by this weekend!

-J

P.S. This journal skin is by `kjherstin! It's really lovely! I just don't know how to do all those codes. I'm stupid and it's confusing. I tried! ^^

Singing To The Tops of My Lungs...

~silentlydrowning — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:57:56 PST

...Because the empty halls welcome the echoes of such a haunting beauty...

Hehehe, had to make it a bit poetic there! I might just integrate that into a song/poem. 'Cause I can and 'cause I like it!

I've had a TON of inspiration over the week. Literally a TON. I've been so inspired by (sorry, I've got to write this thought down...) dream, and songs! I sit in my car driving from school or work with my radio off and I just bounce ideas on the windshield or I'll narrate a new scene from my story that come straight from my dreams or daydreams. When you put it on paper, it's one thing, but when you act it it's another! That way I convey what I really want portrayed in my characters. I love personifying my creations. To think that my thoughts have a soul of their own makes me feel like a mother...? Hmm... I don't know if that's quite it? Ha, I give thought-birth. That's so weird. Before this gets anymore strange, let me stop here.

My latest piece will be here soon. I'm still working out my character's emotions , but it's coming forth like Venus from the foam. Oooh, I like the way that sounded... I'll put that one in a poem too!

Until next time!
-J

Welcome To The Morning...

~silentlydrowning — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 22:38:55 PDT

Wishing all the Catholics a happy All Saints Day. I hope that when I leave this earth that I will see the face of God and become filled with his supreme glory. That is the greatest absolute.

I lost a friend today, or maybe I really didn't.
Anyone who puts their selfishness before your life cannot possibly consider friendship the same way I do.

You will understand in my new poem here:[link]
Please send your critiques and reviews. Favorites are always welcome if I so deserve that honor. ^^

Annus Horribilis

~silentlydrowning — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 23:38:09 PDT

Another family tragedy. Will be away for a bit.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
When you know it's unfair is when it hurts the most.

-J

Melting Away Even The Flower Petals In Our Way...

~silentlydrowning — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:11:28 PDT

I've decided to create a new story loosely based on events in my life. It's certainly not autobiographical, hence being loosely based. I don't know what it's called yet...but I did get the inspiration from my own diary entries and thought "Why not?"

It's something that's close to my heart. Please check out my first excerpt, Anti-Nostalgic. I forget how to do links on this site, but I'll put one on here as soon as I remember. Otherwise, it's on my front page with my newest works. For the very few who do visit this page, please enjoy and tell me what you think.

p.s. I can't change my mood for some odd reason, but I'm not yearning...

**Update!:
Anti-Nostalgic: [link]
The Feast: [link]
These Streets Of Glory: [link]

Thank you for that bit of URL help!

Sequens Mirabitur Aetas...

~silentlydrowning — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:40:11 PDT

I am so amazed at the work I've seen in the past few days! To know that there are so many talented people out in the world astounds me to no end. deviantART is just a microcosm displaying our world's talent. Just think, there are millions more out there who have yet to discover this site and share with us. I don't even know what I would do if I were half as talented as many of my favorite artists.

I've been favoriting a ton of works lately. It's not because I'm click-happy, but when I see something I absolutely LOVE, I want to make sure I can look for it with ease and continue cherishing the gift that has been bestowed upon this community.

I'm thinking of getting some work commissioned and I have found an artist whose style is on par with what I've always been looking for in regards to my story. I just have to wait until that person opens up for business again.

(Sigh... I miss him.)

"The following age will be amazed..."

Love!

"Time To Go To Work, Pillow Biter."

~silentlydrowning — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:07:48 PDT

I don't know if this page has been long forgotten, but...

Hi! How's it going? It certainly has been a while! Let's see... last time I was here was FOUR years ago! I was an aspiring musician/lyricist/vocalist/who knows? I wanted to take the world by storm with my jaded, teenage mantras that were spilling over the brim with angst. Lord, look how time flies! I'm not a teenager anymore, high school is over, the drama has unfolded and I see life with wider, brighter eyes. But this is so nostalgic. How can I not help but feel butterflies tinkering away in my stomach while reading my indefinitely lame, old journal posts? Or how can I not say "Wow, I wrote that?" when I look at my old songs? What a funny kid I was... boy, time knows nothing of standing still.

I'm not that much of a poet or a songwriter anymore, but I dabble in it every-now-and-then. I still have those nights where I wake up a two in the morning with the perfect line crafted in my head. Sometimes I let the trials of the day find their way to my pen and become the most beautiful or the most absurd words scripted by my hands. It's no longer my passion, but it gives bored hands meaning, even if it's for a little while.

So those of you who are still here, subscribed to my deviantART page, welcome back. It's going to take some time getting used to this again.

Love.

Who'd Believe That It Was All My Own Decision?

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 15 Feb 2005 15:06:47 PST

So,

I've been away for a while.

I took a nice little hiatus from deviantart.

Why?

Because I wanted/needed to.

Here's the deal: It's not that I don't care. It's just that I got tired. I wanted to take a break from the site and get some things straight about my role here. And I've decided to let some things go and ride with some others. Last year, I absolutely had to leave some of the clubs and groups I became apart of. Deviantart should be a wonderful experience to meet people and enjoy art and to share that love of art with other people. I, for the past year, have felt like deviantart is a job that I have to come to everyday, look at people's deviations, give them my stamp of approval or constructive criticism, and read journal after journal, take poll after poll, read comment after comment. You can't tell me that it doesn't get tiring.

So, I just took the Ron Livingston route and "Office Space'd" myself.

So, I'm back from my almost 2 month vacation from dA, whose to say when I'll get on one again. I bet I have annoyed and pissed off my AFI fan club, ~OfWings, but hey, there is more to life than AFI and deviantART. Take a dA vacation. Chillax. Take your socks off. Get off the computer and take a bath for Jesus' sake.

[heart]
-Jesshie-

I've Got Dreams To Remember...

~silentlydrowning — Fri, 31 Dec 2004 18:57:31 PST

So, this year has been fun, eh? Well, I'm going to keep this short and simple and sweet. Thank you, I mean it, thank you everyone who has ever taken the time to read my lyrics and poetry and who has watched my moves on this great site we call deviantART. I am so happy to have met the new, stayed in touch(or tried to) with the old, and to look at some of the most beautiful artwork and read some of the best written material I have ever layed eyes on. We are all deviants at heart. We are all connected by the art we pour out from our souls - our deviousness is what binds us. Stay beautiful in 2005. Stay devious forever.

Sincerly yours,
-The Independent Riot, Jesshie-

I'm Gonna Rock This Town....

~silentlydrowning — Wed, 24 Nov 2004 19:58:31 PST

"Rock It Inside Out!"
-Stray Cats

So hey I've got the coolest news ever! I might just be the lead singer of my best friend's band! I talked to the newest edition to the band, the second guitarist who is a friend of mine, and he said that the band really wants a female vocalist because they don't want any of the screaming crap. I mean, I love when bands scream, but there is only so much screaming you can do until it gets old and it all starts to sounds like one, big continual piece of blah. So if all goes well, I will be in the kickas band of my dreams. And if everything goes according to plan, this will be my one-step of getting closer to becoming a rock star! I seriously hope that this time, my lyrics will be coming to life, because my best friend was stunned at (not to mention went crazy over) Synodical Synesthesia and wants to write the music to it with the drummer and second guitarist. And then that's when he asked me to sing for them.

Help encourage this awesome awesome best friend of mine to START his deviantGallery by visiting him at ~ XunholyconfessionsX! (He's the one that I hated for a while, but hey, he's my best friend and you can only hate a person so close to you for so long. Loyalty and Love ALWAYS!)

Tootles!
-I'm not allowed to sign with my nickname anymore due to my dad feeling unsafe about pedophiles finding me here in this crappy little city on this big- site so I am reducing my name to.....

-Indie Riot-
(Independent Riot)

There's A Rumble In Brighton Tonight

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 23 Nov 2004 14:12:22 PST

For those of you who said Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash for my last journal were so right! So how about this? I'M BACK! And on my own computer! Yes ma'am/sir!

But that doesn't mean that the month of November hasn't totally ruined my mental health, which has also affected my physical health. I am sad to say that the boy who once had a vibrant glow, broke up with me. But you already knew that. He had liked someone else secretly in the last two months of our relationship, and it was his best friend's girlfriend, who was also my friend. SO expect a deviation from me today because I definitely wrote a song about it in less than 5 minutes and I think it's awesome. Thank you GlassJaw for inspiring the rhythm, and for Avenged Sevenfold's Desecrate Through Reverance for helping me through my hard times this month. It has been literally my own personal hell. Thank you also to Circle Of Friends for bombarding my page with your kind and out-of-nowhere support. I truly thank you for that. And thank you to everyone who has cared enough to care about my pathetic, heart-broken life and has stuck with me through my joys and my sorrow. You're all super rad.

With Love,
-Jesshie-

Well, I'm stuck in Folsom Prison....

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 07 Nov 2004 15:42:15 PST

"And time keeps draggin' on...."

So, here's the situation(s):

1)School: Can I say pain in the hole? I have tons of work to do and I'm behind on many many things so I'm trying to catch up to myself. And study for all those college exams. Because college will own me (and my parents' money) in two years.

2)Guess what crashed again?: Say it ain't so says Rivers Cuomo, but it is so. I can't check my messages on a regular basis without my computer, so I either have to beg to use this laptop or use a computer in the library(and I think they're tracking my internet activity...since I go on unauthorized sites, such as this) when in actuality I need to re-do a paper that was due on Oct,28 but my computer was dead when I went to print it. And I had just got Zoot Suit Riot by Cherry Poppin' Daddies downloaded too...rrrg that pisses....took me forever to get that song!....><

3)Can you tell me how to get to Emo street?: So my boyfriend and I had a mutual break up and John Kerry lost the election ALL IN ONE WEEK. This week SUCKED!

And so, in short, I wont be here for a while until I get my own personal Jesus under control. That made no sense, but you can get the gist of it.

"When I hear that whistle blowin', I hang my head and cry..."

(Guess what song that comes from and you win a prize!)

-Jesshie-

When I Close My Eyes....

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 19 Sep 2004 19:12:51 PDT

1 year and 4 days ago I joined deviantart.com's art community. I want to thank all of you on this list for making this past year and 4 days so special for me(there will be many more years where that came from!):

1. ~r3s3nt September 12, 2004

2. *Swaroop September 12, 2004

3. ~Haressh September 10, 2004

4. ~BloodyHellion September 2, 2004

5. ~e-boo-stock August 30, 2004

6. ~justifiedheretic August 29, 2004

7. ~Thefreedomfighters August 28, 2004

8. ~PMSingEvilElf August 22, 2004

9. ~starlessnights August 10, 2004

10. ~syd-sydney August 5, 2004

11. ~spinelessublime August 4, 2004

12. ~kapopopoy August 1, 2004

13. ~e-boo July 28, 2004

14. ~XxXbeautifulsinXxX July 24, 2004

15. ~BillyVicous July 22, 2004

16. ~xxFading-Star July 22, 2004

17. ~VoodooChild939 July 22, 2004

18. ~1sadPerson2AngryPPL July 19, 2004

19. ~Urine-Girl July 18, 2004

20. ~VampirePixie999 July 16, 2004

21. ~ladychaos July 9, 2004

22. ~vibekehauge July 7, 2004

23. ~defkttn July 3, 2004

24. ~WhereTheCircleEnds July 3, 2004

25. ~Jeu-Desprit July 3, 2004

26. ~thisplaceisfuckd July 2, 2004

27. ~11th-hour July 1, 2004

28. ~lifeeternal13 July 1, 2004

29. ~bleedblack8989 July 1, 2004

30. ~geckoX July 1, 2004

31. ~onelasttomorrow July 1, 2004

32. ~OnTatteredWings July 1, 2004

33. ~Burn-Incinerate July 1, 2004

34. ~imkelleyo July 1, 2004

35. ~devoured-soul July 1, 2004

36. ~This-Time-Imperfect July 1, 2004

37. ~XRayeX July 1, 2004

38. ~OfWings July 1, 2004

39. ~CirclingShadows July 1, 2004

40. ~LaDamaStryfe July 1, 2004

41. ~sa-tan June 30, 2004

42. ~papermoose June 29, 2004

43. ~King-Of-Destruction June 25, 2004

44. ~lozerNdenial June 25, 2004

45. ~WannabeEmoKid June 23, 2004

46. ~deludere June 22, 2004

47. ~Kamryn June 21, 2004

48. ~FathomMT93 June 20, 2004

49. ~AFI-Fan-Club June 19, 2004

50. ~outlivetherest June 12, 2004

51. ~Cherokee14 June 2, 2004

52. *Jand3r June 1, 2004

53. ~bawarman May 27, 2004

54. ~afireinsidefreak May 3, 2004

55. ~VisiualVixen May 3, 2004

56. ~blazenfaze April 27, 2004

57. ~stock-devil-breath April 24, 2004

58. ~Integrated April 22, 2004

59. ~2gtars April 9, 2004

60. ~wynterashes March 23, 2004

61. ~Tenebres March 21, 2004

62. ~xfallchildx February 27, 2004

63. ~SomberAlleviate February 19, 2004

64. ~Mare-chan January 26, 2004

65. ~DarikaSenokah January 24, 2004

66. ~xXElleAngelXx January 20, 2004

67. ~straight-edge January 15, 2004

68. ~X-GloomCookie-X January 11, 2004

69. ~unwantedfaery January 7, 2004

70. *liavliora December 31, 2003

71. ~citizen6 December 27, 2003

72. *brandowilly December 22, 2003

73. ~UndineFaery December 19, 2003

74. ~CrimeThink December 19, 2003

75. ~JadedIntrospect November 30, 2003

76. ~midnight-eyes November 17, 2003

77. ~vampireDoLL November 3, 2003

78. ~sidviciousfan October 22, 2003

79. ~julietteENrose October 16, 2003

80. ~ceylon October 15, 2003

81. ~xHavoks-dreamsx October 14, 2003

82. ~hucast October 10, 2003

83. ~LostCause21 October 7, 2003

84. *cheesy October 5, 2003

85. ~Tanky October 5, 2003

86. ~FallingFaster October 4, 2003

87. ~elementium September 24, 2003

88. ~HeIsCome September 24, 2003

89. !infenit101 September 18, 2003
(my hero)

And to my many clubs that I am so proud of being apart of, especially my family ~OfWings and my newest family ~ Thefreedomfighters.

~straight-edge
~ sidviciousfan
~club-nirvana
~DApunx
~AFI-Fan-Club
~ Distillers
~OfWings
~ Anti-Nazi
~Pro-Choice
~ artpolitics
~XTHENEWMUSICX
~Thefreedomfighters

I'm so proud to be apart of every cause and every cult-like-fandom and to be an artist on dev...

These Eyes Are Not Your Eyes

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 07 Sep 2004 15:34:32 PDT

Well, I'm back and Frances is gone for the most part. We got our power back on just a few hours ago. But there are still tornado warnings flashing everywhere, fortunately nothing hit my street. Yards are flooded and wind keeps howling by and by and our fridge now smells like dead, brown-and-green-pulped celery. Uck. And hooray, Ivan is on the way to punch us in the balls for a third time. I'm going to have to disagree with the saying thay third times' the charm. Ivan certainly isn't someone I'd date. I hope all of my fellow southern southerners are okay and all the ones above us who caught the rest of the storm are safe. I've been so scared, staking out in our laundry room with candles lit here and about - hearing the strong winds pound on the windows.

It was a hard night's sleep.

And the few scratched up cds that I found wouldn't play because the cd player decided to be mean and not turn on even with fresh batteries. And I was alone with my mother in the dark, a little sick and very very tired. And to think the people farther down south they had it worse. The next day I tried to do some homework and get some medicine for my allergies and it didn't help it just made me go bye bye sleepy time.... Then we tried to find ice after I woke up...went shopping at Wal-Mart the king of corporations...I'm learning how to cross stitch for class, woohoo...My dad came home from all of his runs later on that night(he had to take a picture of a guy that got shot in the face and was thrown in a water-filled ditch), scarring the hist out of us...and then we all fall into a nice slumber after boiling some shrimp(long story) and soup in the dark...and then all of a sudden we hear this horrid wailing and rapid beeping and we all jump up frantic at the sound that just would not quit. And lo-and-behold, it was the freakin low battery on the alarm. That noise would scare any burglar out of their skin. It's just been one thing after another and another and another.

Then this morning right after we're borrowing our neighbors generator our electrical company turns on our lights as soon as they turn the generator on. So I partook in a nice-not-so-hot-but-who-cares shower...So fresh and so clean. Threw out a crap load of stuff from our fridge...oh Jesus did it smell bad in there.

Thank God we don't have school tomorrow, but I'm still worried about my boyfriend who I haven't heard from or heard of in days. I hope my babe's okay. Besides, he is the future father of my children. He's probably not worrying about a thing in the world while eating a tuna pack on the couch in his boxers...

Anywho, I'm going to restart my deviant list and get those journals and deviations back on so I can read about all of these interesting lives and see all of these creative deviations.

Take It Easy Everyone

Much|Love,
-Jesshie-

Journal title comes from Incubus's song Under My Umbrella

We're All Going To Hell

~silentlydrowning — Wed, 01 Sep 2004 16:15:39 PDT

So, how about that hurricane? Seems that it's aiming straight for my hometown and that means that I wont be on deviantart for weeks, that is, if Frances hits. I'm hoping and praying it doesn't hit us and I'm praying and hoping that whoever it does hit, God shows mercy. This thing is just absolutely HUGE. And I'm not afraid to say that I am scared. And it's not just the hurricane itself, it's the fact that we don't have any supplies. 3 1/2 bottles of water, some canned fruit and pop tarts and nothing in out house is boarded up. OH JESUS. I've taped up my guitar to the back of my closet; not because I think it'll do any good, it's because it makes me feel better. My amp is out of luck and my first acoustic looks like it could fit in this plastic/nylon jc penny's bag. I have no idea what to do with the acoustic that I've been borrowing for 2 years. I'm scared for my friends and family. All I can do is hope that we all make it out safe.

I just know that I ain't goin down like a sucka.

My friend Neily is smoking out if it hits. He says that when it all comes down he's going out happy. Neil's crazy, I love him, even thought he can be a jerk to Maja...I'm scared for Megan (Darika Senokah) and my brother's girlfriend Christy, both who live at the beaches which will be hit the hardest...be safe Megan and Christy Creme.......Prayin for ya

----------------______----------------

So, how about that Republican National Convention? I watched some of it the night before and this morning and I can't believe how blind so many people are. It breaks my heart. But I can't change their views. And Rudy Gulianni......what an interesting speech...?

Since I don't have the time to post it on here, please get your anti-Bush updates at punkvoter.com.

How bout it ya'll? NO MORE YEARS!

Keep hope alive brothers and sisters!

-Love you all, stay safe-
-Jesshie-

*Title of Journal from Bad Religion's Kyoto Now!*

And Only God Will Ever Know

~silentlydrowning — Sat, 21 Aug 2004 15:48:31 PDT

Okay, I've heard the new Bad Religion cd and I must say it is the most amazing cd I have heard this year. It's better than bread. And way better than toast.

I was disappointed with Rock Against Bush Vol.1 with all of its textbook punk and then I hear the cries of 40 year old men killing it in every song on The Empire Strikes First.

This album is a thing of beauty.

Of course I can't compare it to all of their elder albums, since I haven't heard them(only bits and pieces), but I can compare it to other rock acts who have tried to put this government down in different and clever ways. Bad Religion just delivers. And then kicks you in the face with catchy lines filled with all sorts of truths and you really can't help but love these all but frail old guys. I guess with age you do gain wisdom, and I respect them and all that they do for politics.

So my fellow rockers, please support your fellow Bush bashers(if you are one) and help bring upon change and truth and liberation by buying this album called The Empire Strikes First. It's worth your time.

They may be balding, but they can still kick oppressive-government-butt like it it's nothing.

I just hope Rock Against Bush Vol. 2 is better.

Journal title comes from Bad Religion's song Sinister Rouge

Peace and Freedom to all,
-Jesshie-

Carpe Diem Baby

~silentlydrowning — Sat, 14 Aug 2004 21:49:26 PDT

My brother is gone today. He's now attending college and I never realized it until today, I wont be seeing him on a daily basis for 2+ years. I love my brother so much, he truly is the most important person in my life. He's my best friend and I don't know how I'll hold up without my partner in crime. It's lonely around here already, without our late night conversations or him watching dvds with me or playing/beating the crap out of me in Madden 2004...You just don't know how it is unless you have a sibling you're so close to. I urge all of you who think of your little or older siblings annoying or bothersome to get closer, because you'll never get anyone to understand you better than your sibling(s).

This is to my brother who has understood and supported and most of all loved me regardless of the odds. This is to the brother who has fought for me and defended me everytime I needed him. This is to the brother that I respect and love and aspire to be like. You are my bes friend Jay, you've always been my best friend. And may God bless you for everything that you've given to me. Be level headed and make wise choices for yourself so that your children may have an even better life. I'll be lonely without you, but I know that you'll be with me trying to guide me through my weaknesses.

I love you Jesse.
Brandon, please take care of yourself and Jesse. I 'll miss you both very very much.

Okay, so this may be a rock song and I know you don't listen to most of my stuff(even though you're willing to try), but this is the rest of the song that I gave you earlier today, the song I think fits for how I feel, just apply the meaning to you:

Hit dirt
Shake tree
Split sky
Part sea

Strip smile
Lose cool
Bleed the day
And break the rule

Live to win
Dare to fail
Eat the dirt
And bite the nail

Then make me miss you
Then make me miss you

So wash your face away with dirt
It don't feel good until it hurts
So take this world and shake it
Come squeeze and suck the day
Come carpe diem baby

Draw lead
Piss wine
Sink teeth
All mine

Stoke fire
Break neck
Suffer through this
Cheat on death

Under curve
Noose the time
Tear the map
And shoot the sign

Then make me miss you
Oh yeah
Then make me miss you

So wash your face away with dirt
It don't feel good until it hurts
So take this world and shake it
Come squeeze and suck the day
Come carpe diem baby

Yeah, suck it

Live to win
Dare to fail
Eat dirt
Bite the nail

Strip smile
Lose cool
Bleed the day
And break the rule

Under curve
Noose the time
Tear the map
And shoot the sign

Then make me miss you
Come on, come on
Then make me miss you

So wash your face away with dirt
It don't feel good until it hurts
So take this world and shake it
Come squeeze and suck the day
Come make me miss you
Come carpe diem baby
Come carpe diem baby

Do whatever it takes to sieze your days Brandon and Jesse!

With all Love,
-Jesshie-
your baby sister

Please Take These Hands...

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 01 Aug 2004 00:52:42 PDT

Okay, I'm having the oddest fun today. Either that or I just find the wierdest things amusing. This is to the comment admins- Please realize that this is only a debate and not some sort of hate rant between two deviants of differing beliefs.

Case in point- I was asking ~ zombie-slayer, who I assume is a proud, red-meat eating Republican, why he thinks that Gay marriage is wrong. I am a liberal, falling so far off left I might as well be an anarchist, and I'm huge on civil rights and I believe that gay men and women should be married if they so desire regardless of love or health reasons. So here it is, happening all because of my curiousity of the point of view of a right-winger:

---------------------------------------- ---------
Deviant: ~silentlydrowning (#65537504)
Date: Aug 1, 2004, 2:10:21 AM

I believe the only thing you're going to get is the same copy-paste website answer that I got. But how could you really know what gays want if you don't know gays? Yes, he's a very collected guy who sticks to his guns. But, where is the proof? All gays don't just want to marry for the great health benefits, not all gays want to marry to get their AIDS medicine cheap.

I agree with you. The last tiem I saw my lesbian friends kiss, I didn't see the world fall apart. Or am I just blind? Why is it wrong? Why will it destroy marriage? It sure didn't destroy the marriage of the many married couples that I know, and if it did destroy a marriage, it was probably be over the constant fretting whether homosexuals were going to Massachusettes to say "I do".

I would be hypocritical if I, a black female, said that gays had no right to marry or have the same civil rights as straight men and women. Civil rights and equality under the law is what my grandfathers and grandmothers fought for, and now it is my turn to fight for those who lack the same as they did. I want an answer that doesn't come from the lips of my pastor or church official or mother or father or the news or the Christian Network on TV or anyone who wants to shape your beliefs into theirs.

I want an answer that is all your own, not shaped by fear or hate or misconseptions and stereotypes. I want a real answer. Not a follow-the-leader reply.

I think you put it best when you voiced your opinion and said "I think you're just another lemming, mindlessly following its religion, clinging to anything it can to refuse the incessant flow of change. I think you're no different from the other billion 'good christians' out there who would seek to deny another person happiness simply because you don't agree with what they want from life."

I may be a Christian myself, but I do not believe in the teaching of the church. I reject church because of corrupt interpretations of the Bible. I reject letting a website or a political party or my relatives or TV mold my personal beliefs. In my belief it is not a human's right to tell a person that they are sinning and what they are doing is wrong. It is God's judgement in the end of all things. I follow myself and my heart, not the preacher and the sermon.

We want a real answer.

Thank you for your time and your opinion

--
- no vacancy -

proud member of
~straight-edge | ~ sidviciousfan | ~club-nirvana | ~DApunx | ~AFI-Fan-Club | ~ Distillers | ~OfWings | ~ Anti-Nazi | ~Pro-Choice | ~ artpolitics | ~XTHENEWMUSICX

~OfWings..
Reply, Parent
None 1 - Bad 2 3 4 5 - Good NOTE* This is in response to ~phoenixofthenet

---------------------------------------- -------
Deviant: ~silentlydrowning (#65526825)
Date: Aug 1, 2004, 12:51:23 AM

I'm not going to read a thing you typed until you answer my one, simple question. I didn't ask a question just to get more. I just wanted one answer.

--
- no vacancy -

proud member of
~straight-edge | ~ sidviciousfan | ~club-nirvana | ~DApunx | ~AFI-Fan-Club | ~ Distillers | ~OfWings | ~ Anti-Nazi | ~Pro-Choice | ~ artpolitics | ~XTHENEWMUSICX

~OfWings..
Reply, Parent
None 1 - Bad 2 3 4 5 - Good

------------------------------------
Deviant: *destructo- (#65526177)
Date: Aug 1, 2004, 12:47:10 AM

Tell me, how many jobs have you had? How many people do you support on your paycheck? How many welfare families do you feed with your taxes? How many days of AIDS medication do you buy for other people you don't know? How many inventions have you patented? How many b...

Talk About Ignorance...

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 20 Jul 2004 14:05:46 PDT

The title of this journal comes from a song called Kyoto Now! by Bad Religion on their cd The Process Of Belief, can you guess the reference to Kyoto in the song title? I'll give you a cake if you do!
________________________________________ _________

Major Newspapers Voice Disappointment with Ashcroft - Call on Him to Release Real Information on PATRIOT ACT
Courtesy of Punkvoter.com
Attorney General Ashcroft only gave Congress small pieces of information this week in a self-promoting campaign to prove how great the Patriot Act is working but did not allow members of Congress or the public to see any information as to how deep into peoples records our government is actually snooping. Newspapers editorial boards are now starting to ridicule Ashcroft for not being open and honest about the entire usage of the Patriot Act. America needs to know about the thousand of cases that the Act has wrongfully violated peoples protected civil liberties instead of the few examples of how the Act is helping to end interdepartmental confusion to catch the bad guys. If Ashcroft truly wants Congress to renew this Act he must be willing to have it judge in its entirety that includes the bad and the ugly of this poorly written legislation.
________________________________________ ________________________

Today's Tucson Citizen writes, "The Patriot Act is anything but. So we oppose Attorney General John Ashcroft's effort to renew infringements on our civil rights. In his Tuesday report to Congress, Ashcroft ignores serious concerns about the Patriot Act, which was enacted hurriedly after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The act all too often is used against everyday Americans, not terrorists. Section 215, for example, lets FBI agents stroll into a library and find out what books you're reading. Section 213 expanded federal "sneak-and-peek" search warrants.

Today's Washington Post writes, Unfortunately, the report is more of a cheerleading exercise than a comprehensive account. It cites numerous instances in which Patriot Act authorities were used in important investigations.... But reasonable observers never doubted that unshackling investigators would aid them in catching bad guys. The question is what else it would do -- what the civil liberties impact would be and how these powers would be used in cases that don't lead to high-profile prosecutions." The editorial also states, "Assessing the Patriot Act requires taking it apart and examining its major pieces separately. Former deputy attorney general Larry D. Thompson suggested last year that a bipartisan commission be appointed to study the law in detail. This seems like a good idea, particularly if such a commission could have access to the sort of detail that would permit a systematic evaluation."

Today's Indianapolis Star writes "This lack of disclosure makes it difficult for citizens to sort through the vitriol, litigation and attempts by Congress to amend Patriot since its passage. To get to the facts, greater details about how the Patriot Act is being used by law enforcement must be disclosed." They conclude by stating: "Americans deserve to know if their liberties are being abused, and how."
**************************************** ***

The election is coming up in less than 4 months and it's time those who can vote take a stand and put down the facist who run this country with their iron fists. Please go out to the polls and vote, you have every right to and every reason to. This president, these advisors, they have to go. This country, this system, it has to change. IT HAS TO CHANGE. On the news today, I saw a woman in Texas who was having what are called "Passion Parties" for women to buy sex toys. Like a tupperware party but with vibrators. She was arrested by the local police because they found her "Passion Party" to be offensive. Offensive to who? The ladies she was selling them to? Or the over-zealous, ultra-conservative, ashamed-of-their-sexuality law enforcement? Tell me what your opinion is on that if you read this far. What's good is that they dropped the charges, but she is going to fight that ridiculous obsenity law. Good luck to her!
**************************************** ***
Very soon, maybe even today, I'm going to post my latest song. While you all are reviewing it and commenting and giving me constructive critisms, I will be in the process of making a follow-up to that song. Thank you all for being so great!

ALL AFI FANS, HERE'S A GREAT CLUB FOR YOU! ~OfWings
(shameless promotions....)

Go out there and DEFY WHAT BLINDS YOUR EYES

-Jesshie-

I Know It's Hurting You....

~silentlydrowning — Fri, 09 Jul 2004 18:29:18 PDT

"But It's Killing Me...."
`Avenge Sevenfold, Unholy Confessions`

Anyway.....

I'm still lagging and bumming around with this song that I'm writing. It's getting pretty difficult for me to write now, because everything that sounds good at the moment turns out to crap. One minute I'm thinking "Oh My Ice Cream, this is kick mass!" and the next "OH MY PINEAPPLE WHAT WAS I THINKING?" I shouldn't be taking this long anyway. This is drawing out and I hope, OH BOY DO I HOPE, this song turns out like I want it to. If it doesn't, that means I was just wasting my time. But this will be all or nothing for me. This is (hopefully) going to be my "OMG" piece. So, to tie you kind people over, I'm going to submit a song that I wrote during a difficult period of time this summer....TODAY OR TOMORROW. So please tell me what you honestly think when you read it, if you read it.

Also, I am admin. to a new, growing AFI Art Club on deviantART called ~OfWings and if you are an AFI fan, please consider joining our family!

With Sugar and Toast,
-Me-

I Against I

~silentlydrowning — Sat, 26 Jun 2004 13:21:08 PDT

The title of today's journal is a song by Bad Brains, who I might add was one of the greatest punk bands to ever exist in our world lost in the throws of a bubblegum sugar pop culture.

Anyway,

I'm making some changes here at silentlydrowning.deviantart. First of all, as some of you may have noticed, I have moved things out of my gallery and into scraps, which I have to thank dA for because it cleaned up my gallery; I also changed most of the song titles in my gallery, so many you have already commented on them, so please don't comment on them again.

I am also taking people who are on my friends list off of my deviation and journal list. I am only keeping people on my deviation list whose art work I enjoy the most. I'm not saying that you all don't have wonderful artwork, it's just that I have to cut back on all of these messages I'm getting, especially from stock accounts who send many deviations at one time. I've already cut back on whose journals I receive, and many more will be cut from the list. This does not mean that both journals and deviations will be cut from individual accounts, and there is no gaurantee that I wont cut both from an individual account.

I am also in the process of making new songs, so please be patient, I will have new deviations for everyone.

I want to thank everyone who has stuck around with me over my stay at deviantART and I hope you still stick with me. I hope you all understand the changes I have explained above.

Thank You for being understanding,

~Me~

And There Will Be Sorrow.....

~silentlydrowning — Sat, 19 Jun 2004 15:27:51 PDT

the title of today's journal comes from a Bad Religion song called 'Sorrow' from their cd the 'The Process Of Belief'. And my journal is appropriately titled as such. Here's my week in review:

Tuesday, June 15th-

My brother had called me and my mum out of the house to come see something that he had found in the yard and covered with the recycling bin. When he removed the bin, underneath it was the most precious thing I had ever seen-- a baby mockingbird. He was just sitting there so innocently and so lost looking and I just knew I had to help it. We were going to just leave it alone but I couldn't do that, considering that we have prowling cats in the neighborhood and they would've probably ripped the little chick to shreds. It just so happens our neighbor is a game warden, so we went to his house asking for help. So we got the hungry little chick and put him in a shoe box and I had named him Frodo. We were tring to find some worms to feed him, but we had no luck, so crickets was the next thing on the menu. Our neighbor told us that they usually come in three and sure enough, we had three little baby chicks who had been thrown out of the nest too early. I named the 2nd chick Samwise, and I was going to name the 3rd one Merry or Pippin, but you can't have one without the other, so I opted for Gandalf instead. While we were hunting for some crickets in the backyard, I just started naming them random things like Lars and Ted Bundy and Zippo and Charles Manson. So I renamed the babies Lars, Ted Bundy, and Charles Manson. My brother didn't like the fact that I was just naming them without him chipping in, but I said he'd live. We fed them smushed crickets in water and we asked our dad to buy them some worms and he did. So the next day Manson had somehow escaped from the box and was so worried he'd get caught in our junk and die and I had to find him before me and my mum went left. So I got my gloves on and listened to him chirping and I followed the sound and found him behind a chainsaw and a bucket of nails and a big block of wook that could have falled at any moment. He hopped in my hand and I was so relieved, but I knew they were hungry so I prayed that they'd be alright. Later on though, our little chicks ate chrickets and worms and we made them a makeshift nest with a new shoe box(they pooped the heck out of the first one!). We let them out for some sun and to jump around, by that time they had gotten used to us. Lars pooped everywhere and twice as much as the two psycho-killers. They hopped in our hands and we played with them and fed them. But before that I was trying to find a camera that worked because there was a beautiful picture of them I could have taken with their mouths open and their necks stretched upwards for me to feed them. It was so cute. Unfortunately I didn't get to take that picture, because 2 days after we found the babies, our little Lars died. I was so heartbroken. I just cried and cried and cried and cried. I had worked so hard to make him live and he had died in his sleep. But he was the weakest and smallest of the 3. We buried him in our yard where we think he got washed up by the rains(we stupidly made his grave too shallow). And if you people know, that was the same day Ray Charles had died, so I cried even more that day. Thursday was a tough day. So all that was left was the two psycho-murderers-- Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. So I made sure I took extra special care of those two. And I don't know what was up with Charles, he pooped on the heads of both Lars and Ted. We had decided to let them out on Monday and I had to get a camera to take pictures of them, so I asked my other neighbors and they whole family can over and saw our two little babies and petted them and took pictures of us with them. I had Ted and my brother had Charles and the whole day was just special. The next day was the day we were going to set them free but little did I know, that only one would make it out alive. Sunday night we had the worst storm of the week and the kids were in the garage hopefully getting some sleep. I woke up the next day and went right to them, like I had always done for the past week. I opened up the box to a loudly chirping Charles Manson almost standing on the lifeless body of Ted Bundy. I just screamed, a breathless, soundless scream. My Ted was dead and I just brokedown and cried. So now i can't have any pets becasue I get too emotional. Well, when you've been raising three little birds and only one survives, it hurts, especially if you were going to release two of the them that same day. You get the gist of what I'm saying, right? So I fed Charles while crying for little Ted and I got Charles a new box and I waited until my brother so we could both bury Ted. So I had called two of my 3 best friends because 1 was in Coc...

Don't Waste Your Touch....

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 30 May 2004 09:12:13 PDT

i can't find anything worthy of redeeming....

i'm probably going to get every possible privilege i had/have revoked so this is why i'm spending alot of time on deviantART now...

why am i(might) leaving, you ask?

because i might be the worst child a parent could ask for. i'm deeply deeply deeply depressed and i'm asking anyone i can for advice, help, guidance, or a lead to someone who can give me those things. i'm haunted by the shadow of my parents. maja (~HeIsCome) has been to my house before and saw how (i guess) big it is and she's even slept over(sorry about the bed...) and cooked in our kitchen. so some might say with our house "why complain!? you have everything! don't be so ungrateful!" well, it's one thing to have material things, but it's another thing to have love. right now, i have no emotion towards my parents, i don't they'll ever gain it back for the severe emotional trauma they have caused me. i know that may sound exaggerated, but i am on the verge of complete self-destruction and the only four things that are keeping my alive is God, my loving husband, Trevor, and my beloved guitar JJ. it hurts just to think of this but here is the tale of the disjointed heart....

last saturday(not yesterday) was the day i went to my cousin's funeral. this is beside the point: but would you trust water that the funeral home passes out to you after the funeral? back to the point: afterwards, we went home got dresses for a friend's graduation party. now, when we got there, i was already tired, so i wasn't in the mood for conversation, i just wanted to play some video games. so i did. with a room full of little kids running all over me and blocking my view. so i got tired of it and left. not just the room, but the house, and i didn't tell my parents where i was going, but the party was in my old neighborhood so i knew my way around, so i didn't think it was that big of a deal to take a 20-30 minute stroll down memory lane. while i was walking, i saw my friend robert on his bike with his dog who had ran away and i went to his house to hang for a few. i met his dad and his housemates's mum and they were very nice. their cat was sweet but was ferocious with their dog. his dad had heard all about me since i was the only black rocker chick that robert ever met and he was very cool. so anyway, i thought i stayed over there playing his jasmine acoustic and "stealing" his cds and licking his posters for a good 30 minutes. it turned out to be 2 hours. but i had been saying to robert, 'hey i need to go back, they might call the cops on me again. atleast let me call' but that sort of got lost up in learning '45' by Shinedown and attempting to play 'Stairway To Heaven'. Well, by this time, it's getting darker outside and he's walking me back to my friend's house and up pulls my dad, telling me to get in the car. i said bye to robert and gave him this look like 'oh shit, they called the cops' and i got in the car. then my dad is telling me how everyone is looking for me and how my mum had called the police(didn't see that coming) and in the worst, stinging, not hollered voice he called me a dumbass. now there are many things i hate to be called, but when it comes to my intelligence, i take it very hard. it hurts to think you're dumb, but when someone else calls you that, it just kills, i don't care what context it was used in, it just kills. so we get home, not even 2 minutes away from the subdivision we were just in and i walk in the door. my mum is right here where i am sitting, at the computer desk, looking at me like i was the worst person in the world. i look at the monitor and it's on deviantART. but the worst part about it is that it's on the section i NEVER look at: the erotic art. she asks me two questions: 1)what the hell is this? 2)are you having sex? well, 1) i don't look at the erotic art gallery on deviantART because it's tasteless. goth chicks with their clothes off don't really appeal to my refined tastes. 2)no! and with robert?! HELL NO! i'd have to lower my standards waaay low(of course no offense to robert) to even have the tiniest thought of having sex with him, or with anybody else. but it didn't matter what i said or what i thought, she still didn't believe me. and i know this is somethig she's wanted for a long time: to get rid of everything that is blatantly rock related. so she took away my pyramid stud wristband, my other leather wrist band that i bought in ghana at the world of nations festival, and my belt, which was the only belt i had to hold up my pants. anything she thought symolized rock and roll on my body - she took it away. and then she got my father's think leather belt...................tears, hatred,hatred, hatred, hatred, pain, hurt, anguish, cries, outbursts, cleched teeth, struggle, bruises, bruises, br...

hello, i love you

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 23 May 2004 11:53:21 PDT

i must leave deviantart again. maybe this time permantely. i love you all, you have all been very good to me, thank you for being wonderful. maybe i will return someday............someday............

with love,

bloomin' jane your favorite pirate

Back In BLACK

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 11 May 2004 16:16:15 PDT

i do loves me some ac/dc. right now, i'm in a fit of hatred. this comes from backstabbing (supposed) friends and one outright poser bitch named Beth and just a horrible reaction to a certain word that shoots my ego and belittles my personality. yesterday, for the last time this year (hopefully) i was called "FREAK" by a girl name Jessica. i have serious mental problems with that word and words that associate with that word. ever since i was little i've been called a freak. in fifth grade i almost commited suicide over it. it's just a word that brings out all of the other personalities in me(i think i'm slightly schizophrenic) which want to ease my pain, kill others, hurt who has never felt hurt, and then self-destruct. in order for that to not get out of control(it will) i have to have no contact and no physical human interactions or i will just go off on whoever is closest, friend or foe, doesn't matter. that's why i went straight to my bus yesterday and left adams behind and didn't talk to my friends. i was afraid i was going to actually hurt somebody. or myself to say the least. so everyone oon my bus kept asking me "are you okay?" "wanna listen to the radio?" "are you gonna be alright?" if i ignore you for about 30 minutes, what the fuck do you think the answer is? do you think that i want to talk to you? i didn't mutter one word until my stop came up. i didn't look at one single person. i just looked out the window. i discovered that chewing something sweet helps release the good side in me.

AND THAT WAS JUST YESTERDAY.

TODAY i found out that a whole lot of my supposed frineds are calling me a POSER behind my back. if i was going to call someone a POSER i would atleast have the balls to say it to their face instead of sit by them and act like i like them. i can't live those kinds of lies. so i'm going to call them out over the internet as the cock-faced, pussy-eating, bitch-fucked, ass-cum sucking, dildo-biting bastards they are and i hope they rot in hell, oh wait that's what they WANT to do: Dinah, BETH, Matt B., Jessica Cobb(Matt's little puppet), and Heather and whoever else was talking about me. they said i listened to generic mtv punk and that i can't formulate my own opinions and i just say what other people say and i'm a punk because it's a trend and i try to act like other punk kids around the school. IF YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY, SAY IT TO MY FACE. generic mtv punk is what BETH listens to, the Good Charlotte stalking whore. IF I WAS SUCH A CONFORMIST then why am I not WANNA-BE GOTH like the rest of you? IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS i would kill myself because any idea that comes out of my mouth is my own. none of you assholes talk to me enough or know me enough to make these statements about me. especially you matt, how could you betray me and backstab me like that? you've been such an asshole ever since you met all of those asses at the table, especially BETH. so who's the conformist now? who are the posers now? who follows trends and can't make their own opinions because we all have to appease THE ALMIGHTY BETH and FABULOUS MATT?

FUCK, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

who do we trust? who do we fear?

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 02 May 2004 08:21:07 PDT

okay......

i've been having the worst sleep attacks.....everytime i try to get up, my body knocks me back down and i lay limp, succumbing to the signals my brain is sending to my muscles. i try to force my eyes open because i need to get up, and i'm yet again forced to shut them. completely involuntarily. so this morning i had a fight with my brain. i tried to get up no less than 8 times and i try to extend my arms, but they get literally pushed back down and my arms just push back into my pillows and i'm not allowed to move. my body just didn't move, no matter how long i tried to force it. so i gave up. until 6:39 hit and i was finally allowed to get up and use the bathroom. i had to hold it in for a grand approximation of an unhealthy 6 hours. TMI, i know. but the pain was excruciating.

YAY TO BRANDON FOR GETTING HIS FIRST GUITAR! remember what i told you now, it's going to make your guitar have a healthier life. and i want to thank everyone who taught those same things to me. it was all very valuable to me and remains so. thank you.

it rained yesterday and made my heart shake. thankfully, he was next to me, comfortably caressing; under the stair we damned them all and made love on some sweet profanity....

we killed the air, and split it 50/50.

(i just made that up! woohoo! i'm SO good! )

love to all who seek, infiltrate, and destroy!
~Mrs. McRae~
~Dr. Havoc~
---------------------------------------- ------------------------------
BUDS-
new friends:

olde tyme friends:
| | | | | | | | | |

crazy crazy girl

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 25 Apr 2004 19:01:25 PDT

the title of my journal comes from a song by a ska band called charly horse and the song's name is "crazy girl." thanks to brandon for letting me listen to their cool tunes! anyway, this weekend i saw one of the greatest indie-type movies since "tart." it's called "MAY" and it's the perfect make-out movie. seriously, it's not a chick-flick or some jock-movie or some pathetic teen movie, this is real acting and the movie is really great. it left me jaw-dropped all the way through. Go check it out if you can, I'm going to go see if i can buy it or rent it or something. It was well worth staying up til 5o a.m. for. and check out "tart" too. that was the best movie i saw last year besides lotr:rotk. anyway...

i have met a nice load of new people on deviantart and i would like to shine some light on our new resident deviant ~Chrisma. He does some absolutely amazing work and I believe that once he gets more of those beautiful deviations in, people will be flocking to his page to see what it's all about. He has amazing work and I think I've favorited all of his work so far, so if you get the chance, please look at his work. I also want to shed some spotlight on
~stock-devil-breath who also makes some awesome awesome work. I believe that, along with ~Chrisma, she will have thousands and thousands of people looking at her beautiful photography and making beautiful comments about her work. Please go check out ~stock-devil-breath, it is certainly worth all the praise!

I'll write something more pulply when i get the time, now it's time for me to jet off!

~Mrs. McRae~

Shower with your neighbor and we'll all become great friends!

and...

CONGRATULATIONS TO MRS. CHAPMAN FOR A JOB WELL DONE WITH HER DIRECTION OF LIL' ABNER! IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST WONDERFUL PRODUCTIONS I HAVE SEEN FROM AT PAXON YET! I LOVE YOU MRS. CHAPMAN!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOO!

we are the nocturnal....

~silentlydrowning — Fri, 16 Apr 2004 20:31:28 PDT

attention all fans of afi and the cure! this is a fan artist in our community and i think she is absolutely amazing! please, please visit her site! her username is WeightofWords ([link]) and she has absolutely wonderful art and HAND FINISHED aka not tampered with computerized materials(oxymoron!). spy the picture of brody dalle of the distillers in my favorites. or the collage of jade puget, made completely of newspaper. if you look at it, it's amazing, even if you don't like those bands. it's seriously worth the look. and if you're just that slow, that means i recommend it!

well, i got to play my friend's samick today, and he tried to teach me how to play in bloom by nirvana. RHTHYM GUITARIST RULE BABY! WOO HOO! i'm in an insanely good mood. i need to get off these happy pills. i'm plotting against this teacher though, nothing dangerous, just a bit of rebellion. she wrote me up on stupid accounts, SO I MUST REBEL AGAINST HER! and i must rebel against the system which she is a puppet of and destroy it, or at least put its evil into the light. i'm going to be the greatest anarchist this school has ever known.....yo soy una anarchista!

i went to bolles today for my brother's track meet, it's a spoiled rich kid school and as soon as i stepped on its grounds i made this disgusted sneer. it smelled of snobs and preps, two types of people i don not wish to have an aquired taste for. displeasurement surely aroused me, and i just wanted all of them to drown, drown, drown. naive rich kids in their own, mercedes-infested, iced-tea drinking, snot-nosed brat lives have no idea what a struggle is, and they will never know and never appreciate the work of the middle-class man or the poor man trying to make it in this world. it's a free ride for them. my dad asked me if i ever wanted to go there and i quickly said "NO!"; i never want to step foot in their italian-marbled halls and breathe the same air as people so full-of-themselves. even if we were rich, even if i had better grades, i would NEVER want to go to that school. i'd end up setting it on fire. i could never conform and i would never try to. i'd rather breathe in arsenic and inject my veins with mercury. but my brother did get into the finals, even with a limp(which he shouldn't have ran with) this was the last run of his highschool life. and i am so proud of him. i love you jay, you're still the fastest guy i know.

the title of my journal comes from a tiger army song called "nocturnal". I ABSOLUTELY ADORE AND LOVE TIGER ARMY AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM AT WARPED TOUR '04! 10 YEARS THIS YEAR!

we will rise up from the dead....we are the revenant.......

~j.therapist~
i didn't fuck your cousin, you did!

This Is Not A Love Song!

~silentlydrowning — Thu, 15 Apr 2004 04:22:47 PDT

oi everyone, i figured it was time for me to write a new journal. and soon i'll be posting new deviations, songs written by me for the general masses to enjoy, criticize, or both. i'm pregnant, with all of your children. visit your fellow deviants on xanga at [link]
[link] and me at [link]

my boyfriend might join deviantart. if he does, be nice and welcome him like you welcomed me: with open arms and cool avatars.

title for journal comes from a song by Public Image, Ltd.

wow, they are old.

anyways, i have to finish getting ready for school. enjoy your day(s) and don't die on me.

~j.insane~

KURDT IS HAPPY CAUSE TODAY HE FOUND HIS FRIENDS

~silentlydrowning — Mon, 05 Apr 2004 18:27:50 PDT

kurdt kobane died apr. 4/5 in 1994. holy shit. i am fucked.

today or yesterday (depends) kurt cobain, one of my many heroes commited suicide. write to me if you celebrated or lit candles in a daze today or yesterday(as i did) and share your experiences and your love for the great music of nirvana. as me and my buddy van say "kurt cobain long live!" kurt, thanks for rescuing me from the bad music of our pathetic generation.

visit my xanga page you fucks.

[link]

or i shall stone you mercifully.

YOU KNOW,
i'm scared of becoming a musician, and this is what i've wanted for years. i'm not backing out, i'm just scared like a pissy little girl in a sand box. i find your graces annointing my figure figureless and miscalculated. where is my new sign?

scared shitless,
jey your sexless dominatrix

kurdt loves your mother.

please forgive me....

~silentlydrowning — Wed, 24 Mar 2004 17:39:27 PST

ookay, that title is part of a song. a metallica song called "low man's lyric" and i am apologizing because i'm going to have to break a huge promise. and i HATE, ABSOLUTELY HATE breaking promises, because i hate for people to break their promises with me. it's hypocritical too. and i HATE hypocrisy. i FEAR hypocrisy.

so here it is.....

all deviations will not be commented on and all journals will not be read. it's just too much. every time i get on here there are 80 more messages to read and comment on and 20 more journals to read and comment on. i can only do so much. i HATE for me to be such an arse because i hope and sometimes expect(because i'm a self-absorbed ass jack) for people to read my journals and comment on my deviations, but i try to do the same in return. however, some of these journals and some of these deviations come from december! if i see them in your gallery, i'll look and comment, and be on my way.

i'm trying not to sound as mean as possible, but i guess being a jerk is in my nature. i don't want to be a jerk to any of you because you have all been so nice to me and caring and just all around rock out rad awesome. i truly do love you all as friends, and all the people i have met(who were nice and/or kick mucho ass) truly print their signature in my heart. i'm a sap. kill me.

this is such a pathetic "i'm sorry, i'm pathetic, i apologize" letter, but i'm trying the best i can. and i HATE being sorry. my policy is to live with no regrets. but some i guess just can't be helped.

all deviations and journals from last year up to the end of february and the beginning/middle of march will be deleted.

i'm sorry it has come to this.

things have never been so swell. i have never failed to fail.

low man is due now, so i better get going. i love adams. and i totally fucking love you all. ALL.

in rare sincerity,
jesshie

p.s.: maja, check out this website, it might help with the band: [link] (go get a cow poke!)

your information's fuckin faux!

~silentlydrowning — Thu, 18 Mar 2004 17:38:20 PST

oi to all here's the news if you didn't know:

~David Blood of the Dead Milkmen commited suicide. He ended his life of painful misery. I happen to be a fan of the Dead Milkmen and he will be thoroughly missed by me. I cried....

~Speaking of Daves, Davey Havok is sick and is being put on vocal rest. Old news, I know. I'm sorry. Anyway, he's been advised by his doctor to be on vocal rest unless he wants to lose his voice (sadness). this of course means, yes, their first tour cancelation ever. they're just as disappointed as you. so check out their website for more info and their message board to wish Dave well.

~Speaking of message boards, thank you to Jade Puget for the getting on the message board and answering the trillion dollar question:Is Dave gay? Bi? His official answer:

Jade
Guitar

Sorry To Burst Your Bubble...
but Davey is not gay. Or bi. Get over it. Just because your friend heard he was gay or you read it on some message board doesn't make it so. However, since I've made posts like this repeatedly over the years and people still refuse to believe he's not gay, I guess we'll have to keep hearing about it ad infinitum. I say we talk about Fritch. Or Smith. They're DEFINITELY gay, I caught them holding hands and plus they went to the prom together.

Also, my friend heard YOU were gay.

---------------------------------------- --------------------------

so there you go folks. Be unhappy, disappointed, sad, whatever, take it as it is though. Jade loves you. I think.

~Anyway, if you don't know i am happily in the process of falling in love with my hot hot hot hot hot boyfriend/lover adams. so yea, jesshie's taken. he's sugar. i love you my darling.

~Can't get with trevor over the break because i'm grounded, which is such a nazi move. this means all band related things will happen in school and over the summer. but we are very close to finding a bassist. two mutual friends of trevor and mine are up in the running. so we are getting there. thank you to everyone who has supported my ideals and my dreams, and a special thanks to maja and kamryn for EVERYTHING.you ladies rock my block.

~Go visit the people on my watched list. they're lonely tonight. they need a little..........company

~Also, my hotmail account evilskatergurl is no longer being used on account of it being taken over by linkin park messages, which is way more important than some stupid little forwards people send me. maja and kamyrn send your band related stuff to rock_out999@yahoo.com. also if you have good tabs and good equipment info, please send them there. otherwise, don't bother and don't waste my time. all general e-mails (NO FORWARDS PLEASE, I'M ASKING SO NICELY) must be sent to the address that is on my deviant page.

so loves, i must go,
farewell.

~J.Therapist
~Inspector Havok
~J.Insane
~Inspector J.

tell me something i don't know

~silentlydrowning — Thu, 19 Feb 2004 16:53:30 PST

the title of the song that the quote for today's journal comes from afi. the song is shatty fatmas, and it's a must hear for any and all punk fans. it's a classic. well, to me, it is. anyways, this is an important message. and that would be to not send me any. the reason: i have already promised that i will comment on everybody's art, but if you keep commenting back, i can't get anything done because i'm busy answering back. i'm down to 249, starting with the pictures and indy art, then saving the poetry and lit for last. it will go faster that way. i really need your cooperation. and that means DON'T COMMENT ON THIS JOURNAL. i'm very serious about it. any comments made will not be read and deleted immediately because you have been warned and i really need non-ignorant people to comply. it's tiring, but i made a promise, and i will fulfill it. thanks to all for still supporting me. keep rockin and keep lovin.

this guy from project sos in jacksonville named matt brought a semi-hollow black chet atkins signature gibson to school. I WANT HIS PEDAL IT IS SO KICK ARSE. and he could ear play! he played girls not grey from my power-chord tabs(oh yea!)and the solo to dancing through sunday just by listening to it TWICE. how awesome is that? so he's going to be keeping in touch with me and trevor. i've gotta get outta touch now.

so long to all and DON'T COMMENT!!!!

~love,
your favorite therapist!~

dressed for the funeral in black and white

~silentlydrowning — Thu, 05 Feb 2004 10:10:15 PST

journal title quoted from the great band THURSDAY! a crow left of the murder by incubus is out! go buy it! i'm sorry that i haven't been on and commenting on all of you people, but i've been in my own little rut for a while, i hope you all forgive me. the internet is going to be shut down at my house, so i wont be on for a long time. i thank you all for looking at my page and keeping track of me. i will get to all of your deviations and comment on them no matter if it is over 200. i will return though! with a vengence!

keep on rockin! love you!
~j.therapist~

i saw an insect learn to fly

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 20 Jan 2004 08:57:23 PST

well, hello darlings, how has your week been going? mine has been going rather slow. my birthday is this week, on friday to be exact. 1.23.88. yay! i'll be 16! now i can wear make-up and kiss boys! and i slowly slump down in my chair settled here in the paxon high school library. the problem is is that i have no idea what i want to do on my birthday. i know i want my guitar privileges back for at least one night. i also want tickets to the up-coming afi concert. march 2! i can NOT wait. i have this spoon and i drew havey davok on there. i'm going to give it to davey if i meet him. he's so awesome. anyway, i am supposed to be doing spanish work. it's so B-O-RING! school is so trivial. anywho it's been a while since i put up a new deviation, so here goes the song i wrote 3 days ago one fine early saturday morning. at 2 am. yes, fine indeed. i was so fuckin tired. but i had alot to vent, cus i'm tired of guys just playing games with me. my mind is fucked up enough! sheesh!

well, i got to get back on task. bye for now!

~love,
j. the|rapist!~

life is shit

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 13 Jan 2004 19:25:27 PST

holy jesus christ son of mary the virgin, i'm having the worst weeks ever. i got 3 D's on my report card and my GPA is dead. grades like that are so unheard of from me....so i'm in the crapper now. after my mom took away every privilege i had under the sun and blaming rock and roll for all my troubles, i saw lord of the rings, which was SO FREAKIN GREAT AND GREAT IS SUCH AN UNDERSTATEMENT! blah blah, anyway, the last song i heard was on the radio yesterday and it was AC/DC. guess what song it was...and man was it so appropriate and innappropriate for the moment. i had to put my telecaster away :sobs loudly!!!!!!!: and it's in my closet now, collecting dust. but i was so desperate to play it, i swear to you and the nations of the world i snuck my guitar in the bathroom and played it on the floor with the fan on. that's what i call desperate dedication. and my friend had his guitar and mini amp today and he asked me if i wanted to play it for a while in absense of my guitar. i declined, and the main reason was i didn't want to disrespect my guitar by playing someone else's. it's like fooling around with someone else's chick or guy. and that's just wrong. well, the journal title for today comes from i believe (from off the top of my head) the dead milkmen. i could be wwrong, but don't tell me if i am. well, i gotta go to bed now, no song of the day, but if there was it'd be Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses. it's been running through my head all day......

well, farewell, i hope you all are doing well.

that's alot of wells...

talk to you soon!
~jesshie~

proud member of the sXe community and the sid vicious fan club. mwahahahahahahahahaha! vicious to the core and till the day i die!!!!

i look inside myself and see my heart is black

~silentlydrowning — Thu, 08 Jan 2004 18:42:36 PST

depressing depression makes me depressed. i'm having the worst week ever. my guitar is going bye-bye so i'm going to cry and be miserable without him. the guy that i liked is a jerk, should die, and should go to hell immediately after he dies. i know there are other people suffering in the world, but hell, i don't know all those people, so for now i want to focus on boring, lonely, crazy, ugly me. adjectives will be used. i'm so sad. report cards come out tomorrow, tonight is the last night i have with my baby, and the guy i really really liked is just a big fat dildo-fucked loser. i'm so sick of being rejected by everyone. I MEAN EVERYONE! i can subtly flirt with a cool guy and then he'll be freaked out the minute i touch him. what an arse! that hurts my feelings! i should've never said a word to my big-mouth friend who told his big-mouth friend what i told him and told kyle(the fucker i liked 4 hours ago) because they happen to be best friends. i'm just so sick of it all! i'm sick of people talking through third parties who usually never get their information straight. I GIVE UP. and it all started with a kiss! ha! which got twisted around into the compound word "make-out" which is completely different from just a kiss. i'm going to pretend that it never happened. i'm going to pretend that december 8th, 2003 never happened. i was never there, i was never on the bus to go home, i was never kissed by a guy named kyle, i've never been kissed at all. THE DAY DOES NOT EXIST. i'm tired, so tired, SO TIRED!

blah

~love,
jesshie~
---------------------------------------- ------------------------------
songs of the day-
AFI, Shatty Fatmas

Don't care to hear what you heard. I won't believe a single word. Don't care to hear what you say. I won't believe it anyway. You relay fiction, facts you avoid. You're just like a fucking tabloid, you can never seem to get your information straight. Tell me something I don't know. Your information's fucking faux. Don't you have somewhere to go? Your mouth is quick, your mind is slow. Don't want to know what you know. I just want you to fucking go. Don't want to know what you believe. I just wish that you would leave. You try to cajz everyday, I wish that you would get away. You can never seem to get your information straight. When you try to hang around, I'd really like to push you down. When you try to understand, I don't really think that you can.
---
AFI- Lower Your Head And Take It In The Body

Drowned in flames is where I can be found, my nose broke from being smashed into the ground. What a waste, this place I call my home. Escape this place and break out on my own! I'm still reaching. Try to slap me down, but I'll still hold. In the fray is where I can be found. My head is bruised from always being knocked around. What a fight, this life I call my own! Escape this life, and break out on my own! I'm still reaching! Try to slap me down, but I'll still hold. I'll hold my own.

well fuck you!!!

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 06 Jan 2004 17:43:39 PST

today was a good day, i guess, i don't know, ican't tell the difference between good and bad days anymore. i've become so numb to such things. come crawling faster! obey your master! your life burn faster! master! yes, i am listening to metallica! and....today's journal entry title comes from the offsprings's song Americana off of their cd Americana. i listened to that entire cd last night and it was fucking amazing. there wasn't one song i didn't like. my mum totally walked in when dexter was shouting "WELL FUCK YOU!" haha, she doesn't approve of some of my music and i could care less. she came into my room on what? sunday? yea, and i was listening to audioslave(great band by the way, chris cornell is one of my biggest heroes.) and she asks me " Do you listen to anything besides this music while you're in your room? Do you even listen to soul music?" i get defensive because basically she's attacking me for listening to the music i want to listen to. i tell her that i rarely listen to any soul music while i'm in my room because i listen to what i want to. she gets in this huge fit about it like "You don't listen to whatever you want to! Not while you're in my house!" and all of that sort of rubbish. She doesn't allow me to listen to Manson, but I do anyway. I like his music, not him necessarily and i don't look up to him musically. he's just a very open and unique individual who says what is on his mind, even though it goes against our very uptight and unaccepting American society. Mum's are so troubling to the heart...the other day she asked me what was i going to major in in college and i said music. WHY THE FUCK DID SHE LAUGH AT ME FOR SAYING THAT?! if she was going to be an arse about it, then why the hell did she even bother to ask? she wants me to be like her, getting a business degree so i can work a 9 to 5 and be miserable like her. I will drop out of school before my own mother denies me of my dreams. I refuse to be like her. "Please Take These Hands, throw them in the river! Wash away the things they'll never have! Please Take These Hands, throw me in the river! Don't let me drown before the workday ends!" that's Thursday right there. a quote from their song For The Workforce, drowning. it's a great song. tune in. well, i'm head over heels for this guy named Kyle. he's the one that kissed me, by the way. my best guy friend, Robert, told me that i didn't just have feelings for him, but I was in love with him. I hope not, because love and me just don't mix. I haven't been able to love anyone because it's so hrd for me to trust anyone with my heart after that last tragedy that i really don't want to go into. i'm sorry for writing so much, it must have bored you to no end. my guitar says hi! and welcome back home Maja!

~love to all and all for none,
jesshie!
---------------------------------------- ------------------------------
here's the song of the day:
The Offspring- The Kids Aren't Alright

When we were young our future was so bright (whoa, oh!)
The old neighborhood was so alive (whoa, oh!)
And every kid on the whole damn street (whoa, oh!)
Was gonna make it big and not be beat (whoa, oh!)

Now our neighborhood's cracked and torn (whoa, oh!)
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn (whoa, oh!)
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives

Chances Thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for what used to be
Still it's hard
Hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams
(Whoa!)

Jamie had a chance, well she really did
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids
Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job
He just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot

Jay committed suicide
Brandon OD'd and died
What the hell is going on
The cruelest dream, reality

Chances Thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for what used to be
Still it's hard
Hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams

Chances Thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for what used to be
Still it's hard
Hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams

punks not dead! oh no!

~silentlydrowning — Sat, 03 Jan 2004 13:50:59 PST

oi oi, my friends!

well, it's been quite a year for me, and it's been one of the best years i've had so far. i can't remember much of the first half of it becasue i have such horrible memory, but i'll try to sum it up for all of you. first here's a list of things i've proudly accomplished:

ACCOMPLISHMENTS(in no particulary order):
1) the discovery of punk rock and afi in mid october
2) finding new friends online
3) forming a new band from my old one
4) being united with the love of my life, my blonde telecaster
5) getting my first kiss 12803
6) meeting my first band ever, eve6 on All Hallows Eve(they were quite the gentlemen too!)
7) meeting my 3 year old neice for the first time
flicking off benji and joel and all of good charlotte at their concert because they suck suck suck
9) walking with my fellow drama geeks in the homecoming parade in an awesome green dress while underneath my pants were falling to the ground(in front of the entire neighborhood)
10) cussing out the guy i hate more than satan himself and making him look like a stupid little arse
11) rebeling against all authority!
12) being the first to stand up against my facist coach and getting him to retire because he feared that next year there would be more evil and rebellious punks like me! HE WAS ON LEVELS WAAAAY ABOVE SATAN! I HAD TO SAVE MY FELLOW STUDENTS FROM HIS WRATH!
13) learning what oi meant
14) showing racial pride(for myself) and gay pride(for my gay friends) in a non-accepting and ignorant commmunity of humans
15) becoming a full time straight-edge, jc|hc girl
16) babysitting the coolest kids ever and getting big bucks for it, which made me the richest person in the house
17) finding what i want to do with my life and planning it out, to the smallest detail
1 discovering really great old bands like iron butterfly and Queen and discovering great 80s new wave bands like Depeche Mode
19) anarchy instilled in my heart and soul
20) learning that i may be the only black girl with her fist in the shape of devil horns and a guitar in the other hand in school, but i am not alone and one day i'll be the one changing the face and breaking the race boundaries of rock and roll and music as we know it.

now here's a list of things i HATE in 2003, and no not dislike with a passion, i mean HATE

HATE LIST:
1) good charlotte
2) simple plan
3) coach hodges
4) shawn gasson
5) rules and boundaries
6) racial slurs
7) flames
the kkk(well i always did hate them)
9) dubya bush (he's not my president)
10) avril lavigne
11) evanescense......i could care less if you liked them
12) trapt
13) bad music
14) posers
15) ibanez
16) nfg
17) our lady peace (gag me....)
1 rap.....nuff said
19) idiots
20) mis-informed people
21) silverfish(those creepy little bugs that feed on glue and shit like that)

i'm glad that i met many kind people here on deviantART, some where rude and had a really bad attitude, but they couldn't outweigh the many friends i have found through a great art community full of wonderful artist. i'd like to thank all the young punks, rockers, non-rockers, people living in different parts of the world, political reformers, activist, anarchist, nihilist, media whores, jc|hc kids, the lovers, the ones who have endured too much pain, the afi family for loving me as a sister, the vegans, the veggies, gays, bi-sexuals, and everyone who helped shape me into a more cultured and better person that i am proud to be.
here's to you!

art truly has brought the world of differences together.

i'd like to thank my grandfather too, because he' the one who keeps telling me that he has all of his faith in me and he knows i'm going to make it big one day. thank you grandpa, you are the coolest best friend ever. one day we will dominate the world!

this is getting to be sappy.......
i want to thank someone really special and close to me. he's been there ever since my birth and even though he hated me for the first two weeks of my life,he grew to love me and we've been partners in crime ever since....

Oi!

~silentlydrowning — Sat, 27 Dec 2003 14:09:33 PST

Yes, the title of this is part of a song I'm listening to. rancid's "i wanna riot." it's a great, very classic punk song. for the most part, all of these journals have been bits and pieces from song lyrics, mostly punk, because i'm new to the punk scene and mostly afi because that was the first punk based band i ever listened to. the boy who destroyed the world is a rad song. well, just a few days ago, because i saw this article on skinheads while i was looking for blacks in punk rock and the article said something like "oi was a term used back in the slavery days by whites", i really don't remember, but it was along those lines. so it got me wondering, what the hell does "oi" mean? so i researched the meaning and i went to that urban dictionary and it helped a little, but it wasn't legitimate answers, so i came across this site [link]

tell me what you think if you go to the link and read all the stuff there. it's pretty interesting. and skinheads weren't necessarily bad.....i would've never known. another reason i started looking for this information is because i remember davey havok saying something in an interview about this skinhead who came up to him and said he loved afi's music, and it turned out to be one of my heroes, Tim Armstrong of Rancid, one of my all time favorite bands. and i always associated skinheads with the neo-nazi party and white supremacy and stuff like that (and i was worried that tim armstrong was a racist) when it's actually not something completely different. and oi isn't a term realted to slavery. I HAVE BEEN ENLIGHTENED.

so how did everyone's christmas go? anyone rocked out with Jesus or any of the Holy Trinity? As you may know already, I had a fantastic christmas! i got my baby and i play it all the time, when i'm not on deviant or the looking for tabs, or eating. it's the first thing i reach for in the morning. i love him so much, i will take pictures of him for all to see.

well, i have nothing more to say really, but have a nice day and i love you all.

~jesshie~

ps: who said this?: "Here's what happened to me there: I stepped on a dead mouse, sat in a stinky pigeon nest, and set my glasses down in crackhead puke."

if you guess who said this correctly, you'll win a special prize..maybe
---
now for the song of the day:

The Clash- London Calling

London calling to the faraway towns
Now that war is declared-and battle come down
London calling to the underworld
Come out of the cupboard, all you boys and girls
London calling, now don't look at us
All that phoney Beatlemania has bitten the dust
London calling, see we ain't got no swing
'Cept for the ring of that truncheon thing

The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in
Engines stop running and the wheat is growing thin
A nuclear error, but I have no fear
London is drowning-and I live by the river

London calling to the imitation zone
Forget it, brother, an' go it alone
London calling upon the zombies of death
Quit holding out-and draw another breath
London calling-and I don't wanna shout
But when we were talking-I saw you nodding out
London calling, see we ain't got no highs
Except for that one with the yellowy eyes

The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in
Engines stop running and the wheat is growing thin
A nuclear error, but I have no fear
London is drowning-and I live by the river

Now get this
London calling, yeah, I was there, too
An' you know what they said? Well, some of it was true!
London calling at the top of the dial
After all this, won't you give me a smile?

I never felt so much a' like

is it truly me that's come to be the human blasphe

~silentlydrowning — Wed, 24 Dec 2003 10:05:12 PST

well i have alot to talk about today becasue it's an accumulation of things that has happened since monday. so first i'm going to start off with the news that doesn't take up much space.

1) i'm sick again and it's so crappy, because i'm sick with the same illness i had 2 months ago. which is a bummer. which means i'll be sick on christmas....again. darn that tile guy for his bad smoking habits.

2) i finally got my guitar yesterday! it's a squier butterscotch blonde telecaster and was the cheapest tele there. not only that, but it has such a beautiful color. i know squier isn't the best guitsr in the world, but it's my first electric guitar and i needed to start small. thank you to everyone especially 3nzo and jadedintrospect for all the information and advice, because i did take it to heart. me and my mom wrapped it up yestaerday and she was handling it like it was just another toy, but i was being gentle with it. they won't let me take it to school so i can learn from my friends(and show it off) but it's ok. i'm just in love with it. as soon as i picked it up, i said " this is the one i want." i think the sales guy was surprised that i knew what i was looking for when i asked about all of these different guitars and how i knew which guitars were which by the head or body shape. my parents couldn't tell the difference, all they knew was that they all had strings that you could play rock and roll on them. i got my marshall amp under the tree too, so i can play all the rock songs that don't sound right on acoustic. i'm just so excited. but my parents started to look at this fender strat pack that came with an amp, then all of these "oh no's!" started racing in my head. i explained to the guy that everyone has a strat just like everyone has an ibanez, and i'm looking for a different sound and he totally understood. but my mum doens't understand. her response was "why do you have to be so different?" well, that's because i don't want to be the same as everyone else, and if i ended up being the same, i'd be another stupid bore on the wall and i'd get no enjoyment out of what i'm doing.

enough of that, on to #3

3) me and my other best friend lauren were talking on the phone and somehow we got into this conversation about gay people. well, i for one am friends with gays and i'm very proud of it, but she started to say how i'm just ruining my testimony. i asked her why, because God knows i'm a straight. she said that other people will see me as gay because i hang around gay people and associating with gays is a sin. well, keep in mind i haven't seen her in a year, but we keep in touch over the phone. that's not at all true and i try to explain to her why it's not. but she keeps rambling on about like if i had druggie friends, other people would see me as a druggie. this shows how ignorant people whose lives are sheltered by private schools talk about the outside world which they know nothing of. i try to explain to her, no one sees me as gay unless i act gay and no one sees me as a druggie unless i actually do drugs. that's how it works, but she's trying to use that guilty by association thing on me. then i tell her, people unfortunately see me as a white girl because i hang out with white people. she tells me thats not a sin to be any race and i told her i know that but it was just used as an example of how people really judge you. of course she tells me i'm wrong and i tell her her logic is stupid because she doesn't know what life is outside of her private school. she tells me that i am a sinner for talking to gay people and that i'm ruining my testimony and since i talk with gays, in God's eyes i am gay. well, what the hell is that? just because i talk to gays i'm gay? just becasue i talk to druggies i'm a druggie? just because i talk to whites i'm white? her guilty by association thing was pissing me off. then she starts with the bible. she says she lives by the bible and she ask me if i have a religion. i am claim myself to christianity but not to any specific church because i don't believe in organized churches. i believe in God with full faith and i have accepted Jesus as my one and only savior and that I only follow the teachings of the Bible and not a pastor because every church twists the Bible into what they want to believe in. then i say God, and she calls me rude for saying his name in vain. well what the hell is your definition of in vain!? GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD! i ask her does she believe that jews are going to heaven and she says no. well, i think thats a load and my justification for that is that God said that jews are the chosen ones, but she says that in Revelations that those who don't believe in Jesus is not going to heaven and only the christians are going to heaven. what is that? no one ever said jews didn't bel...

it's gonna be a punk rock christmas this year...

~silentlydrowning — Fri, 19 Dec 2003 08:55:15 PST

h'llo e'erybody! how goes it? i'm not in the christmas spirit but i'm excited. my mum has already asked me what kind of guitar i wanted and she let me have 3 choices, so she's going to either get me a fender telecaster, a epiphone les paul SG or a Squier telecaster. I really don't want a star anymore, because all of the guitarist at my school brag about their strats and they're all the same model! so i'm going outside the box and choosing tele and les paul. enough of my guitar gawking, i talk about guitars all the damn time..

i went to wal-mart to go shopping for cd's(why why why i don't know) and i was listening to all these great rock cds in the rap section where the cd sampler was(because they're right across from each other) and all of these people started looking at me when i was singing thursday and bad religion and the clash and i found it comical when this black kid pointed to me and said "look mom, that black girl likes rock!" and i do indeed love my rock n' roll. i picked up st. anger to hear what all the bad fuss was about and i heard frantic....o man, that was one of the shittiest songs i ever heard. so i skipped to the next sample track...ugh...next...ack! what was metallica thinking?!?! so when i put that cd down, and stuffed it somewhere no one could find it, i went over to find glassjaw which i had been looking for for a long time, and this guy has it. i ask him where he found it and lo and behold, that was the last copy. dag nabbit. so i went searching for the pistols, and wal-mart is so crappy they don't have that. and while i was searching these 9 or 10 year old kids started listening to st. anger. i guess i can't hide anything..so i to the metallica cds, pick up ride the lightning and master of puppets(they did not have the black album!! damn that mart of wal!) and put that in the cd sampler thing and said to the kids " if you want real metallica don't pick up that shit, check THIS out." so they boy says "Hey, that's pretty kick ass!" and his sister just nods her head while she looks for Hillary Duff or whatever. Then while I'm singing Fade to Black, this tall guy comes over to the sampler and puts in a punk cd. the sound is very familiar, so i go over to see what it is. MxPx. Being the overly friendly to strangers person that i am, I say " Hey, that's MxPx! They're alright!" and he gives me a puzzled look and asks "You like MxPx?" "Sure I do!" "YOU like punk?" " Yep!" and i show him my afi wristband with lost of pride. "Punk rock forever my friend!" i say to him as he smiles. And then he asked me something that made me laugh. "You wouldn't happen to know where the Good Charlotte cd is, would you?" As soon as i hear Good Charlotte i crack up laughing. "Why are you laughing?" "I hate Good Charlotte!," I say in the midst of my laughter. "Why? Good Charlotte's a good band." "Um, no they aren't. They aren't even punk. I went to their concert just to see Eve6 and Goldfinger." then I hold up my Eve6 wristband in pride. "Well Eve6 isn't rock, they're pop." "Well if they are pop, then they're good pop, unlike GC. They're just totally pop." "So lemme ask you a question. Do you like Less Than Jake?" "No." "Aww, c'mon! They're good! Simple Plan?" "I hate Simple Plan more than I hate Good Charlotte!" "What?! Simple Plan is an awesome band!" "If you and the other 12 year olds say so. I pretty much like hardcore stuff." So he picks up a Rob Zombie cd and asked me if i listen to him. I say yea and he just laughs. "What about, hmm, New Found Glory?" "Uh, no, the lead singers voice is so annoying I can't stand it." "So you listen to Bad Religion?" "Oh God, I love Bad Religion, do you?!" "Naw, they're to hardcore for me", he tells me. "You're kidding me! Bad Religion is awesome!" " Not my style. I like the softer stuff. So what else do you listen to?" "Hmm, I like AFI, Rancid, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, The Distillers, Black Flag, The Damned, The Ramones, um, Sick of It All, Bad Brains, The Used...lotsa other bands. I love a lot of 70s punk." "Wow, all those bands are too hardcore for me." "You try some out sometime, like AFI's Sing the Sorrow might be your speed. It has softcore and hardcore on it, but it's a really good cd." Then, because i am nice, I offer to help look for that GC cd. So i look for it and it's no where to be found (I bet all the 12 year old TRL fanatics took it), then my mum comes over and tell me we are leaving and I shout out good luck to the guy as I'm leaving. Maybe one day he'll tell his children of the story of the black girl he met in wal-mart who liked punk rock. Or maybe one day he'll see me at Warped Tour on stage. Because that's where all the black people live.

that wasn't supposed to make sense. only i know what that means.

god, i babble alot. i'm sorry for boring you.

now i'm going to eat the...

i'm the mirror fuckin image of NO CONTROL!!!!!!!!!

~silentlydrowning — Sat, 13 Dec 2003 13:57:59 PST

hey buddies!!!! arg, i'm a pirate!! hehehe, yea boy. we just came from neptune beach, and i must say i would love to live there rather than here in jacksonville. i like neptune beach and jacksonville beach because it's so tight knit and you could walk the entire town because there aren't all these seperate districts and it's not all spread out. there are all these cool shoppes. i would love to go in them. my brother had to take the ACT today. hope he did good.

TODAY IS MY BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY! HAPPY FIFTEENTH BIRTHDAY CHINYERE! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!

brody brody is my hero
and i wanna sing like courtney love
deb is floatin with all those red balloons
and rockin like lita is what i'm thinkin of

i love rock n' roll, muther fuckers!
rock rock rock rock rock n' roll high school!
i just wanna get some kicks, i just wanna pick up chicks even though i dont like girls like that!

yea baby the ramones harharhar...

oh oh oh! i saw the a fire inside e.p. at best buy for $7 and the all hallows e.p. for $6.....and i did not get them. i'm low on cash, gosh dammit. and my mom put almost all of my money in my account without even asking me, so i'm pissed off. then we went to firehouse subs and spent $30 for some damn subs that didn't taste as good as subway, and it was outta my money, but i got it back and bought chinyere her birthday present. how does this sound as a band name: black noir: ? they both mean black, but black black sounds stupid. i don't even know how to pronounce that. what should i download from kazaa? suggestions, anyone?

well, i love you all, have a great awesome super day!
~love, jesshie~

okay okay i had to add this! this is so fuckin scary i froze! (this is for jadedintrospect):
taken from blurty.com at this link--> [link]

Oh, read this!! [03 Nov 2003|09:36pm]

havoks_lovely

Okay, this is long, but worth the read:

Ok, before this album came out, they released a 10" disk, and called it
"336". No one could figure out why, and it was a bit of a secret. All
they
would really tell us was that when Sing the Sorrow came out, it would
all be
made clear. Well, they dropped some hints in the meantime. One time
while
upgrading the messageboard, they left links to astrology, numerology,
and
the ummm.... I think the chinese zodiac? Another time, a hint was
dropped...
they said that "336" wasn't really important.. it was just "what comes
before." It came before Sing the Sorrow. Meaning that STS was "337."
And we
really had to figure out what 337 meant.
Also, there were the rabbits. They had posters and stuff with rabbits
on
them. And other weird mentions of rabbits. In the liner notes from STS,
it
says, "Rabbits are roadkill."
So Sing the Sorrow came out, and no one could figure it out. Then their
short film, "Clandestine" came out. It had the cd, the dvd short film,
and a
60 page little hardcover book, which was like a big colored version of
the
cd booklet. Thw whole style is of faded, worn pages. The pages are old
and
stained... brownish stains.. But as you flip through the book, you
begin to
realize that some of the stains and smudges are actually red. All of
the
stains are actually blood, and dried blood.
(I haven't seen the film in a long time, so I might have a few details
wrong.) Now, in the film, it starts with Hunter holding a box with the
Sing
the Sorrow logo on it, running through the forest. He looks at a paper,
and
keeps running. The paper gets dropped, and you see that it says Room 37
at
3:33. He runs into a classroom full of kids. The board says, "nothing
from
nowhere." Then you see Adam playing cards. The box is on the table (in
the
pot), along with a watch, keys, a magnifying glass, a bottle of dark
fluid,
a white chrysanthemum, and a live rabbit. Adam has 336 in his hand. He
wins,
takes the box, and goes to leave, but the box falls apart in his hands.
You
see that two of the guys at the table have actually smuggled away the
real
box. It flashes to Dave in a cafe. He is writing in a book (the book
that
comes with Clandestine... it's like the cd booklet, but better), with
the
box on the table. A strange woman comes up and kisses him, stealing the
box.
She leaves, and he goes back to writing. He notices the box is gone,
and
leaves. It flashes to Jade...

AFI NOMINATED FOR A GRAMMY!

~silentlydrowning — Thu, 11 Dec 2003 15:43:13 PST

CONGRADULATIONS TO AFI ON THEIR GRAMMY NOMINATION!

finally after so many years of touring and making legendary albums, AFI finally gets an award nomination they deserve. but it makes me mad that they are only recognized as artist when they decided to move to a major record label. i'm glad they have been nominated, and of course i hope they win, but it's not even for best rock album or best rock performance! it's for Best Boxed Or Special Limited Edition Package. it's a slap in the face when a band so new as evanescence gets multiple nominations and they're a new band and afi has been around since i was a little kid, making things happen and growing musically with each album just to get nominated in a crappy category like that. and not to mention they have more meaningful music and WAY better music than evanescence. not to mention davey is WAAAAAY prettier than amy lee, who can't even move around when she sings in concert because she can't move while singing in her godawful operatic voice. she's no performer. afi is way more talented, singing, bass, guitars, drums; afi is more versatile in their music style, davey's voice could be up in the clouds then lower than the depths of sea, and don't even get me started with adam's drumming style. for amy lee to sing hi she has to get louder and thats all she's good for. singing loud. she's no real vocalist. davey is. and afi is a real band.

~love love love,
jesshie~

swing through sadness, tears of joy

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 09 Dec 2003 16:42:25 PST

i can't believe it, what a day yesterday was.

at first it was turning out to be good, then it just went downhill at around lunch time. i dunno, but somehow, the table is getting boring. nothing happens. and carley is rarely there, so we barely even talk. so i'm beginning not to care anymore. i was in my depressive bi-polar mood and i was really pissed off for no reason and so i stole chinyere's cd player and i started listening to Nirvana and You know You're Right made me feel better, because someone was speaking to me about my pain. Kurt, you sing to me, why did you have to die? WHY WHY WHY....fuck questions and fuck reasons. everything is an excuse.

anyway, i was all miserable, walking around with tape on my pants that said random things from some of my favorite punk songs and i had the dead kennedys' logo on one of my many knees(yes, i have about 12 of them) and lots of fucks here and there. brody is right. pull the fuckin trigger cause i'm sick of it all. if you listen to the distillers, you'll know what that means. i took chinyere's cd player hostage until i got to class, so i stopped by to see my former american government teacher and i told him about the bad day i was having and i showed him the cd i was listening to. he only likes smells like teen spirit, but hey that's cool. my former biology teacher loves nirvana. she almost went to their concert, but her mum caught her sneakin out, i thought that was a cool story. btw, that reminds me to get back to mine. so, all the punk and rocker kids were like ''hey you listen to nirvana?'' and i guess they were surprised cus i'm black, but they've seen me with my afi shirt so i don't see the big surprise. and we all said smells like teen spirit at the same time, but i don't see the significance in that.

i went to chorus class, we practiced some for the winter concert later that night and then went off on our merry lil ways. i listened to the new P.O.D. and i've got to say that is a powerful first half of the cd. i will be getting it soon...

i got i heart ducks taped on my crotch which was alot of fun, and i learned how to do a figure 8 (i'm such a raver, not really) from my awesome awesome friend van, petted pretty lil maja ( [link] ) on her pretty pink head. finally the bell rung and my misery was over. i got on the bus and ranted to this guy about how much i hated him and how badly i wanted him to die....oh wait that was friday, i get days mixed up sometimes, all apologies....and anyway i talked to my friend william all through the ride until we got about 5 minutes away from my street and i went to go look at my love-interest sleep. he was so cute. so he gets up at a certain point, which is before i get off the bus and i talk to him and bit his hand(broke some skin while i was at it) and kissed it to make it "feel all better" and we held hands and when i got up to get my stuff i gave him a kiss on the cheek and he pulled me in for a hug good-bye and then as i was about to let him go he french kisses me. i feel sorry for him because my retainer probably stabbed him.

but it had finally happened, in the most unlikely place.

i finally got my first kiss.

it was so disgusting and unfamiliar and unexpected but so delicious and warm and wonderful. so i got off the bus with a big ass smile on my face and i walked half a mile down the street shaking my head in disbelief and black-girl blushing and holding my hand over my mouth giggling and getting giddy. it was a wild feeling. because i had no idea what to do and he probably thought i was the worse kisser ever, but atleast i know now that he has a mutual feeling for me. and to me thats all that counts. i can't date him yet, not until next month, but i want to re-try that kiss. maybe tomorrow, but oddly enough i was too shy to talk to him today, but i waved and blew him a kiss. god, i just realized that i sound like a sappy little girl kissing in a sandbox for the first time. but the thing me and the girl in the sandbox have in common is that it was our first kiss. and i decided that the day i get my first kiss was going to be the day i get married. i'll bring the hot chocolate and coffee. florida is as cold as night whore. let's go south for the winter my ass. i've lived here all my life and florida will never be warm in the winter, and don't even get me started with miami. anyway, our concert was alright, but some of the dumb blondes in the front kept turning around after each song, so we are going to get yelled at so bad by mi mah dufi. shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck. but my kiss made me feel alot better. last night was definitely a linkin park night. so meteora was blasting in my room and i woke up to sounds of my love-interest calling me in the cold...

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!!!!!

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 07 Dec 2003 09:46:12 PST

if you haven't figured it out by the title, i'm listening to the sex pistols right now and i'm rockin out cause THERE'S NO FUTURE FOR ME!! haha, i love this song. speaking of the sex pistols, i'm in the process of restarting my website, becasue my darn browser wont open geocities, even though i have java, which is constantly turned on. I WANNA BE ANARCHY! but my mum let me use her computer and it works on there, and now my background is sid vicious looking like he does in my avatar. sweet saint sid. may he rest in peace. johnny rotten is my hero!

i was singing god save the queen to myself after school while i was going to my bus and this really hott punk named jordan came up beside me and i looked over and said "Hey guy that is walking by me!" and he says hey and also points out that i was singing the sex pistols. so we got into a mini conversation about how great the sex pistols are and how we both like dead kennedys more than we like the sex pistols, but they're both great. i had a liking of him ever since last year even when he had hair that looked like one of the members of the strokes. he has such pretty eyes and a smile that i'd die for. he's a real punk, none of that fake stuff nowadays and i admire and respect him for that. he listens to all the old punk bands i listen to...yay!

only a few more days until i get my electric guitar. i finally got to play the bass! i love the bass and i definitely want to play that now. i re-strung my guitar and i finally got rid of those 20+ year old strings, and i love the strings i have on there. they have a nice ring that i really find invigorating. so i came up with a nice lil solo this morning at 9:something and i played some nirvana and made myself smile because i was really happy that my dad's friend gave me these really good strings. now my acoustic sounds better, in addition to me cleaning it. now it sounds like sugar and i'm it's proud parent. well actually, it's not mine and i have to give it back once i get my own guitar. i'll miss it dearly. anyway, i'm getting to be repetitive and boring and i know you peopple tire of reading my babblesome journal entrys.

the kkk took my baby away!
fuck the kkk!

~love love,
jesshie!~

proud to be a black rocker!

the last thing that he said was, SET THIS FUCKER O

~silentlydrowning — Wed, 03 Dec 2003 17:50:51 PST

hey all

i'm having an interesting day....it turned out to be extremely bi-polar. i was laughing and having fun in english class, joking around and pulling the hair off of neil's arm then i just got.....depressed for no particular reason. we are doing this career thingy, which is supposed to help the confused youth find out what they want to be in life. well, i already knew what i wanted to be, and that was a professional musician. lo-and-behold! the career key indicated that arts were basically my only interest. i have my mind set on rockin out for people ever since i heard linkin park in eight grade, and i'll do just about anything to get there. so i have to do alot of research on my top three career choices...!)singer @)musician #)lyricist......i am all three already, but o well, it's for a grade. listening to some great old music now...the stones, bowie, adam ant, blondie, otis redding, rod stewart, depeche mode, the ramones, stp....good stuff. i love scott weiland, he's one of my biggest musical influences.

anyway, this may get boring. i was going to write this 2 days ago but i couldn't decide on a title for my journal, and i thought and i deliberated until i came up with one of audioslave's awesome awesome songs that just randomly popped in my head, which is entitled "Set It Off." if you don't have that cd, you have been smokin too much reefa or something because it's so dang good to not have. but due to a certain irresponsible person leaving it out in the open for oblivious classmates to damage and letting too many people borrow it, it has serious scratches and skips alot which ruins my bath time, cause i love listening to slave while taking a bath.

i would like to thank many a'nice people for commenting and watching me and saying "thanks for the +fav!" and being in love with afi(esp. adam, he's a sexy lil thing!) and just all around being nice to me, especially jadedintrospect who is taking time out of his life to send me tabs for morningstar by afi. i really appreciate it, thank you very much. i've met so many great people here on deviantart, i consider you all my new friends, no matter how far apart we are.

that was so incredibly sappy......

well, i have no more other things to say except enjoy afi tonight and tell me how it is! WHAT?!?! YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT AFI IS PLAYING AT THE HARD ROCK?!! GO TO MTV THE EVIL HATED CHANNEL AND LOOK AT THOSE 4 BEAUTIFUL MEN ROCK THE FUCK OUT! geez, you slackers. i would see it, but comcast cut off our stolen cable.....

rock on and peace out!!!
~jesshie~

in the last remaining light......

~silentlydrowning — Thu, 27 Nov 2003 16:23:21 PST

hey all, it's thanksfornothing day and my grandparents are over here. i made a really good pound cake. lots of yumminess. it'll be gone in 34 hours, gauranteed.

anyways, i don't care how much people and historians say it, but i just don't believe a whole bunch of puritans got along with native americans. one: puritans didn't party, they thought it was obsolete. two: natives didn't believe in God, and puritans are crazy and want to imprison people who weren't all hooked on Jesus. three: white people just don't get along with natives all willy-nilly! if they did, they'd have their land!

i don't believe in thanksgiving, period. if the puritans were so loving of the natives, then why are they on reserves now? hmmm, get the point? i bet you do. all it is to me is another excuse to make americans get fatter off of cake and turkey and sweet potato pie.

my cake taste tite too. :nods head assuringly:

first, cake! then THE WORLD!!!! muhahahahahahaha!

and i hate the radio this time of year because they play those godawful holiday songs and carols. i hate christmas carols! they're so joyful and stupid and gay! the only way i'd listen to that rubbish is if rob zombie or some other rock icons did them and made them hardcore and evil. hehehe, there's your christmas! i somewhat believe in christmas, i believe in Jesus, but i don't think he was born in december. i think christmas is reserved on the 25 because of the winter solstice or something of that nature. wait, winter solstice is on the 21....ah, whatever. jesus isn't irish either. i have NO IDEA where that lie originated from.

i love this song by orgy called "santa's creepy secret"

--spoiled one got your heart set
hoping for a brand new bike
getting anxious just you wait and see
mommy please, everybody's got one
i hope you like walking 'cause it's never gonna come
you promised me

(someone's telling lies)
they used to lie to me
(someone's telling lies)
expectation from the chimney
(freaking disguise)
because with lots to see
tinsel dreams of what they promised me
(i'm on a merry go mission with a carousel team)

i hate to be the one
there is no santa claus
no santa claus
i hate to be the one that tells you
don't believe in phony fairy tales

gamma ray gun space flight to six ten
flying over your head headed straight to your friend
you're so lucky
now you're all grown up with a badge and a gun
fighting crime in december brings you tainted memories
(if you got what you wanted then you might be..... nice)

you'll get your christmas wish when you sleep with a fish

i hate to be the one
there is no santa claus
i hate to be the one that tells
you don't believe in phony fairy tales

space flight to six ten so holiday cheer to the fine reindeer
and all the other crap that goes with that i'm sorry to say
so be careful whose lap you sit upon
you just might turn kris kringle
on your whispers they may, may, may

you'll get your christmas wish when you sleep with a fish--

i love it. it's so funny. and so so true. i love jay. and ryan. . and amir. and paige.and bobby, even though he left. go orgy.

haha, me and my brother are making drug-related jokes about frosty the snowman. frosty the crackman is more like it. he's a big piece of frozen crack! oh boy, i really do hate christmas....i could care less about material things either. oh who am i kidding. i'm a selfish human-being like the rest of you. or else i'd be.........amish.

i love you all and have a sweet sweet thanksfornothing break!

~jesshie~

waiting i despair.....

~silentlydrowning — Mon, 24 Nov 2003 17:11:23 PST

today was a sad day. oats broke up with linley and he's miserable. van my favorite rice-picking druggie is sad (and i hate to see her sad). chinyere is pissed at me, so i am therefore pissed at her. today is a day. which was full of adams tickling me until i had to retreat under "The Table." so for the most part, half of today sucked. but i got to listen to the clash's " london calling" so i was happy again. i love the clash. maja, i love those glove-thingys. they're so freakin cool. anyway, go here because i'm doing promos for AFI and i want you to go here REAL PLAYER:
[link]
WINDOWS MEDIA:
[link]

so i can win stuff, and i might be generous enough to let you get half of my might-be-winnings. It's "Silver and Cold," the new single from AFI if you hadn't figured it out by now. well, i'm going to go now becasue i'm in a bad mood and i need to do my homework.

~jey~

PS- If you're my 500th pageviewer, PLEASE PUT IT ON MY DEVIANT COMMENTS SO I CAN THANK YOU LATER!!!
i love you all. you rock.

it is silver and silent.........

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 23 Nov 2003 11:21:13 PST

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

[link]

the new single from AFI is "Silver and Cold"!! CHECK IT OUT!

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and the memory remains

~silentlydrowning — Sat, 22 Nov 2003 11:40:55 PST

hello all of my little loved ones.well, i'm stuck here at home in blistering heat and it's not safe for my mom to turn on fans or the air conditioner because i'm still sick. i'm listening to a myriad of rare songs and not so rare songs by various lovely artist, but i am bored out of my mind. trying to make a cd for trevor.... we've come up with a band name by the way, we just haven't run it by the other members yet.

we are on our way.

jesse is pissing me off. i'm getting peeved for petty reasons. i'm just asking, if you have a dictionary that you can hold in your hands and flip pages to look for a word, WHAT IS THE USE OF DICTIONARY.COM? and if you have a thesaurus to look up synonyms of a certain word WHY ARE YOU TOO LAZY TO PICK IT UP AND LOOK UP THE FRIGGIN WORD?! it just pisses me off to no end.

GOD DAMMIT ALL!!!!!!! THE DAMN SONG STARTED OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! RRG! now my empty boredom has been filled with frustration!!!!!!

well, my neighbors just asked me to babysit and watch their cats for them while they're out for Turkey-day.

goddamn it all again! this freakin song is messed up! AGH! BOTH OF THESE SONGS ARE!!!!!!!! (cold's stupid girl and payable on death's will you) AND IT LOOPS!

balh blah blah, i'm pissed now. i'm listening to smile by a fire inside because right now, i hate the world.
i'll write when i'm in a better mood.

bye
~joe~

sit and drink pennyroyal tea

~silentlydrowning — Mon, 17 Nov 2003 18:37:13 PST

i know now that my band and i are going to be successful. our guitarist, trevor/meatloaf, is so damn good. i basically suck on guitar, but i try to play a few good notes. but i'm slow and i have bad BAD timing. i'll get better. listening to the dead kennedys do a cover of anarchy in the uk by the sex pistols. I WANT TO BE ANARCHY!!!!!! i love the pistols. i had mulitple pieces of tape on my body today and the one on my back said 'Sex Pistols' Sex Slave' and my friend linley(who is crazier for them than i am) licked my back. it tickled, but totally surprised me. it was fun. i love linley. she's a doll. i call her 'Little Vicious' sometimes. she seriously is the sober equivalent of Sid. Lock and chain and everything.

today is cash's 18th birthday, so make sure you get a chance to wish him a happy one and check out his art along the way. legal legal baby!

i got chorus tomorrow and i'm still ailing. this sucks to no high end. for all of you who go to paxon or lives in jacksonville, fl., make sure you get your tickets to the latest play 'The Effect Of Gamma Rays on Man in the moon Marigolds' brought to you by the Paxon Players. It's a very good story and if you want to know more, just ask one of us drama geeks. gotta run.
bye

~jesshie~

drink the madness, smoke so coy

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 16 Nov 2003 13:09:56 PST

oh me, oh my, oh me, oh my. looks like i'm ill in health again. but that's not necessarily a bad thing, because i'm going to use my illness to get back at a couple of people who i hate/pissed me off recently. it doesn't mean that i'm going to get them sick, it just means i have a plan to do something terribly nasty to them. like i sometimes say- vengeance is what makes you pretty!

well, i never said that before to be honest, but i will now!

revenge makes me happy. it gives me something to smile about. like when i dream of my personal fitness coach dying in a tremedous 84-car-pile-up, in which he is underneath, his skin melted into cars and his limbs scattered every whichaway. a bright warm smile crept across my face...it remains.....

jaguars lose again........dammit.

i was playing around on my guitar earlier today and i was just making up a load of crap when i started playing the notes fo a song we sing in chorus. maja, you know festival processional, " the gaudia song". you know the part where the altos go gaudia and then sopranos come in then we do the falalalala blah blah thing? yea, i started playing that. it was cool, and i'm going to try to find out how to play the rest of it...by ear. it'll be cool, so then we could do the rock n' roll version of it, once i get my sweet sweet electric :hope/pray:

i am sooo praying for that custom Les Paul (made by Epiphone) or that Black Beauty Les Paul. Or the butterscotch blonde Telecaster! pray with me everybody! or atleast cross your fingers. I'd be happy with an Ibanez! that's how deperate i am. i hate Ibanez. they suck and everyone has the same one.

anyway, enough of my psycho-babble, i downloaded Sid Vicious' death report. It almost made me cry....
rebel forever Vicious.....

i finally listened to something besides the Art of Drowning this weekend. I had a nice lil date with Incubus. If you don't like Incubus, then i hope you will be raped in your sleep! Incubus rocks! first concert i ever went to.......sweet precious memories.....i think S.C.I.E.N.C.E. was the best and most thought-provoking of all of their deliciously awesome albums. humming the tune to "redefine" now......

well, i best be on my way! don wan massa to catch meh!
~jesshie your runaway SEX slave~

Arsenic for the girls and boys

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 11 Nov 2003 10:48:31 PST

"Assimilate into a culture of post morality, from what I've seen, I hate humanity."-AFI, Smile

I was just listening to The Art Of Drowning that i borrowed from my friend eric, who didn't particularly like it. he's not much of a "speed" punk guy. well, I LOVE THIS CD! i know i must not seem like much of an AFI fan if i haven't listened to all of their cds, but i have songs downloaded from every single one of their albums, from "Dork" to "Sing the Sorrow." If it makes you happy, i memorized all the lyrics in 48 minutes, which is about the time the entire cd runs.

anyways, ya buggers, i'm itchin for bitchin.

it's vets day, and i'm listening to minor threat now while AOD is blasting in my room. early in the mournful morn, me and my brother had a verbal battle with our parents. they're so evil. they claim they want to help, but wont take the time to listen. they just like to hear the sound of their own voices. i don't get out much, i've been invited left and right to birthday crashes, concerts, the movies, the mall, etc. but 98.9453212 percent of the time, i don't go anywhere. they say i have freedom if i do good on my report card and all that crap, but when i ask to go somewhere, they make up some lame excuse. like "that's all the way on the other side of town!" or "we don't know who their parents are!" they only want to leave this side of town when it's convenient for them and they don't even attempt to get to know the parents of my friends. it's like i'm going to be stuck in this damn house in the damn country for the rest of my life. i hate it out here. it's so desolate. the only people down here is the kkk(fuck you, kkk!) and more white people, no offense to any of you. i think many of you are lovely people.

i'm terribly lonely. i wish i had a friend here, someone that i could really level with. i mean besides my brother. we're great friends. i wish sometimes that i could have my friends come hang around at my house, ya know, like other people do.

i live a boring life, in a boring town, in a boring neighborhood, in the boring country, on a boring street.
the songs i write nowadays are about how empty i am and who dammit wants to here about my problems? i'm losing my skill.

and i am slipping into a depressive state. I'M TIRED, SO TIRED, SO TIRED!

i want to get out of here. and i will. jacksonville is the shittiest town in the world. don't move here. and if you do, get out quickly while you can. it's a prison and i am bound and starving for something better. i'm wasting away here.
*sigh*my life is a dark room.

ONE BIG DARK ROOM.

~jesshie~

"Hide your eyes in heaven, in the lies. Believe. Relieve. I'll end the world tonight."-AFI, Smile

fuck you and fuck all of you fuck muthafuckas!

~silentlydrowning — Sun, 09 Nov 2003 08:47:27 PST

i'm really ill from all this bitchin about my reputation from my arse of a sibling. he claims me gay, which i am not by the way. i stick to dick. i don't know who the fuck is tellin him all this rubbish about what i do in class, but i can assure you, whatever the fuck you've heard about the incident in World History class involving me and the sub-limbs, i've blown in smoke. you'll never know when i'm tellin the truth, to be quite honest. i'm a compulsive liar and schitzophrenic and i only tell you far out shit to get a roar outta ya. i only speak truth when it is necessary or convenient in my favour. so think before you start spreading rumours about me because i could be lying. I'M NOT A FUCKING HOMO EITHER! just because i think women have equally beautiful bodies as men doesn't reveal a damn thing about my sexual preference. if i were homo or bi, i'd be damn proud to say it, with a middle finger in the air and a "fuck you" following.

i could care less about my bad reputation. people hate me anyway and they don't even know me. so let them. but bitchin really does make me ill.

i really do like to lie. it stirs up things. makes people uneasy. uneasiness is fun to watch 'cause so many people are used to conventions. and i'm an unconventional girl. i beg for the strange looks. but doesn't everybody? don't you wear nice close so people will notice your middle-class or higher status? don't you dress goth to be known as a goth? dress street-like to be related to the street? dress like a bum to get noticed that you are a bum?

hehehe, my brother is a bum.

a big stupid bum who only finds information in second-rate rumours.

what an idiot.

what an arse!

last night/early morning while i was up with my mum while she was finishing her homework, i was reading an article about sid vicious and him murdering nancy and all that stuff, and i noticed in the article a man named Neon Leon. what is so significant about this man is that he was A BLACK PUNK ROCKER!!!!! i was so excited i nearly cried in delight. this is where i began to research. there were so many blacks that were in punk rock in roll in the 70s and 80s than i never imagined. women too! and that made me feel safe and comfortale in my own skin again. and Neon Leon's band, Bad Brains, was considered to be the most hardcore band of that time! He knew Sid!!!! He was at the Chelsea when Nancy died! They even tried to score some pot from him!

I was a very happy camper. really really happy.

so there it is, laid in punk rock, my bloodline, my punk rock roots.

if i had never seen that article, i pray that i would've never known. so i want to credit SoHo News for helping me find me family. it's a good site, very informative, but i can't dammit steal any pictures of "St." John Simon. the buggers. I love Sid. God Bless His Not-So-Vicious Soul.

~jesshie~

--this ain't punk rock, this is fuck rock!!!!!!--

super fuckin day

~silentlydrowning — Wed, 05 Nov 2003 18:46:41 PST

i'm having such an awesome fuckin week. today was great. oh yea, drama techies rock forever! ....gaudia......! lol. thats an inside joke. hey there maja! we fuckin scream!

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fall children, rise to the occasion

~silentlydrowning — Tue, 04 Nov 2003 14:26:47 PST

">[link]

i know this is old, but afi still needs your support. i'm getting the link for silver and cold, afi's new single, and eventually i will have the link for the video. so stay tuned, fall children! soon, it will all begin!

~jesshie~