http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:ska-chan-punk-san&section=today deviantART RSS for by:ska-chan-punk-san en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 04 Dec 2009 21:43:25 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28655160/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28655160/ Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:01:49 PST
]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28616671/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28616671/ Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:35:02 PST
]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28613441/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28613441/ Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:33:25 PST
Mania weeks are ....dangerous?
I feel like I could fly
if I really put my mind to it
I feel almost invincible
but so very angry at the same
time.

I feel like my heart
is beating 100 times a minute
and that sleep is overrated
and food is overrated, showers
are overrated, and all I want to do is
drive the car. Instead of going home
last night, I drove out to 72nd and
military, had a cigarette outside
of the gas station there, then drove to 114th
and Fort, then turned around, got on I-680,
drove to the I-80 junction, then drove from there
to 24th street, got off and nearly got onto
I-480 as I came up to 32nd street, but it was 2AM
and I decided I needed to probably go home
before I ended up in Des Moines or Sioux City.
I'm sure if I drove to either place and back
no one would notice I was gone, 3 hours there,3
hours back, it'd be like 6AM when I got home..
I thought about doing it again, taking the interstate
drives, and maybe I'll actually drive out to
Des Moines for just a joyride sort of deal.
Hm. Young woman driving on empty stretches of
interstate in the middle of the night alone...
shit, sounds like fun to me! I just hope that
I won't get pulled over for having a headlight out, but
I don't think it really matters...

Well, i probably won't do it, but maybe I will. Every
time I drive, I seem to get closer and closer
to making it really worth my while.

Last night, while driving on I-680, I was in the furthest
left lane. I wondered what would happen if I crashed the car
going 69mph into the concrete blockades. It probably wouldn't
be very pretty, but it was really...tempting? It wasn't
a suicide fantasy by any means. It was just like when I
feel the urge to see if I can roll the car. Just in that
dangerous state of mind that wants to do something
completely and utterly careless and stupid.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28471690/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28471690/ Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:52:44 PST you thought you could change
me into.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28461079/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28461079/ Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:26:25 PST I can't take a compliment.
I hate being told I'm beautiful.
I hate being told I'm awesome.
It makes me want to tell everyone to fuck off.
I really hate writing full lines in these
journals.... is that weird?
Anyway, FML. I feel like I'm imploding
Awesome.
Anyway, fuck blogging and fuck the
internet. I am going to do
something else.
I need to get out of my life
for a little bit, I think.
Why can't I ever afford mini-trips
or vacations? Seriously.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28424772/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28424772/ Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:24:20 PST and stick up your *yeah*


I wish the song could be the
story of my life. It works, mostly
cept the getting nookie part. That
doesn't happen.


I am so f-ing bored/lonely.
But you know, I could listen
to this song all night.

BEST SONG OF THE 1990's

not really, but almost...

isn't that how fred durst is?

ALmost but not quite?

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28384669/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28384669/ Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:51:52 PST
]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28345529/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28345529/ Sat, 14 Nov 2009 03:18:41 PST
All that's left is:

"Its been tough lately."

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28306377/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28306377/ Thu, 12 Nov 2009 03:32:04 PST
I've felt fairly lonely today, in case anyone was wondering what it was that I was embarrassed to talk about, that was it.


I've lost weight.. woot?


I do alright at work when I am doing my favorite thing, but then they put me on something different and it made my numbers plummet. I am getting base pay right now...time and a half pay for 11/11? I'll take it. Though I'm sure i messed up all of my time sheets. *sigh*


but yeah. that's all. When I got home, I cried...a lot... a lot more than I might have expected. It was strange but felt pretty good. So yeah... I've got nothing else

I hope to get a lot of projects done on friday...

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28293649/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28293649/ Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:35:43 PST



I keep wanting to talk about something, but it embarrasses me, so I don't. I'm just going to and say everything is fine.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28204138/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28204138/ Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:21:55 PST
I don't understand, because the characters created within the games are copyrighted to the manufacturer of the games...because of the style of the characters, softwares, etc.


Whatever. Just curious about it.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28189700/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28189700/ Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:27:42 PST Hifana

You are a turntable legend.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28183726/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28183726/ Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:29:54 PST

edit:

I don't want to hear about all the fun you had without me.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28153507/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28153507/ Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:37:34 PST
I mean.. ok so they talked to my sister recently, and they were a douche then, too. Today they were sitting behind me....I just pretended I didn't know him and was just myself and whatnot. I think he wanted to say something about my DBZ shirt, but recognized me and was like "oh fuck."


Whatever, though. I felt awkward for a moment before I was like "fuck that." Then we all laughed at a joke.


Anyway. I had to call my therapist today... emergency call and everything. woot.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28119292/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28119292/ Tue, 03 Nov 2009 05:27:13 PST
I was so excited to have an actual drawing to post.. I couldn't wait until later lol.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28117229/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28117229/ Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:51:30 PST
currently, I am experiencing the phenomenon.

I guess I had said I have been addicted to songs before.. you know, but this time, this song means f-ing business! Usually I'll be addicted to a song, meaning I will listen to it again, after a series of songs, or listen to it more often than I might listen to other songs.. but for the first time since hitting adulthood, I have a song that for two days now, I have not stopped listening to. I will hit back on the iPod every time it ends, play it on repeat in the media player.

Its played 24 times on my iPod. Its played 71 times in iTunes. I listened to it six times before downloading it.

I don't like anything else this musician has done. I don't like R&B or hip-hop, or whatever she'd be classified as. I usually don't like the sappy love songs (I am the woman who thought it'd be romantic to slow dance to the song "Freak on a Leash.")

I don't think I can get enough of this fucking song. WTF

If you are dreadfully curious, here's a link >> [link]


Despite who it is, it is probably one of the most beautiful songs.. I just love the lyrics and the music, and the pure affect it had on me from the first time I heard it until the last. I don't understand this song, or why it affected me so, but oh well.. i will probably listen to it a thousand more times.

Also, my manager at my new job made me very hopeful. He said I was near perfect. I hope to track a specific study and collect the trends of it as my main responsibilities there. Its weird, once I knew that I didn't suck and was doing fairly well, I felt so much better about everything.



...I prayed for the first time in a long time today. It was unfamiliar, it was strange, but I tried.

They say that sort of thing works simply because people want to believe it so badly, that they can subconsciously make themselves do certain things or feel certain ways.

I just want to be happy. I just want to feel confident. If religion is what I think I need, then just let me have it. :/

Its been an internal struggle for several years now. Even after the education, even after the theories and academic letters, even after all of the history and academic theology, there is still a big part of me that wants to hold on to Jesus. Maybe I never stopped believing it. All I can say is...well, I never felt more sure of myself than I did when I was active. I find so many hopeful things in going back to Christ. I just don't want to be more confused or made to feel guilty for things I enjoy (like Manson or horror movies) and I don't want people to try to convince me that certain people are bad. I just want the passion, the hope, and even if it turns out that nothing is true, I will at least have something to believe in. I'd rather be passionate about something based off of a legend but be happy and hopeful, then to convince myself I don't believe and be unhappy and feel hopeless.

So another honest tidbit: I have personally struggled to convince myself that I do not believe in anything. Maybe I was afraid of people thinking it was weird, or telling me I'm stupid for believing. All I can say now is.. well, I don't care what anyone thinks. If being Christian is something that will help me improve myself, my outlook and my life.. then I want to return all the more. The concept of returning makes me want to cry, but its an inexplicable feeling. All I know is that finally the urge to return has become more than just an idle thought in the back of my mind.

I know it seems silly. I love Manson, Rammstein, OOMPH... I even dressed up as Jesus on a few occasions. I just don't think those sorts of things really matter. I can't explain the hope in it, or why I feel driven to return, more strongly now than before.. but I guess I'll have to check things out, and see how I feel about it in a few weeks.



I want to know where I fit in, in the fucking mess.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28099318/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28099318/ Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:25:16 PST
]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28010767/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/28010767/ Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:57:50 PDT

Its because I've been diagnosed with a secondary mental condition, which the doctor said is often overlooked because of the severity of bipolar symptoms, and both disorders tend to have overlapping symptoms. Granted, I haven't been to a psych doc in years, but its strange how everything makes sense now that she's mentioning these things...


Anyway, so I have this med that is considered a controlled substance. I feel kind of... risky, or dangerous.. lol, even though I have a prescription for it, which means I won't get in trouble for having it. the doc did warn me that if i told people they might try to get me to sell my medication xD I'm pretty sure no one would do that.

Concerns are mostly in regards to weight. While I don't want to gain weight, I also don't want to lose all pleasure in food. Amphetamines were used in diet pills for quite a long time! At the same time, I hope this will help the compulsive binging and exercising. After doing some talking, I am, even though I haven't mentioned before, a classic ADHD female. :/


seriously, its hard to talk about this sort of stuff with people because so many people are diagnosed with these mental disorders, and while I might be pretty bad, its hard to explain that you truly do struggle, and its not just misunderstood personality traits.


Its not important for everyone to know about this stuff, but I tend to talk about these things a lot.


Anyway, I hope the new meds will help a lot of things that are going on. Its supposed to stabilize my moods, and help to not feel overwhelmed (which I feel quite often, though not too badly right now... but I can feel myself getting there fast! *new job*). Its supposed to help me from being so impulsive *huge problem* and more help with the racing thoughts. XD

I just hope that I don't get to the point of completely doped up. In any case, I think its good to be on meds that can help me cope. My mother, my sister, and various people have seen me at my worst...although, its still hard to believe that I was insane only a few months ago.

Well, I gotta take a shower and stuff before work... My 3 day.. @___@ I am going to be on the phones for the first time tonight, and I feel like, well... once I get the feel of the surveys and phones, the job will be a lot less intimidating.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27949202/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27949202/ Sat, 24 Oct 2009 20:58:20 PDT

I can't believe it, can you? I mean, all of a sudden, my life is changing. >___>

I am determined to rock this new job like nobody's business (is it sad that I typed "bidness" first and didn't realize it?)

Ok, I'm done speaking...or rather, typing.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27789481/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27789481/ Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:31:07 PDT
Alright, well, I am writing a story right now and don't know what I should call it.

[link] This song has been a really great inspiration for the story so far.


Its a story about a man becoming famous without trying, for simply saying the truth, treating people well, and correcting authoritative behaviors, or at least stating what they're doing wrong. The story is full of a political struggle between an empire and one of the provinces it annexed (for the natural resource of oil alone) and the general public of the province. There's a huge amount of corruption in the local government of the province (local meaning those who were in power before peacefully submitting to the empire). they agreed to being annexed without struggle because of the "improvements" that the empire would bring. The poor of the country, which the main characters are from, struggle still, even with everything being made "better." The public has been brainwashed, so to speak, into believing that the empire is the cure for all the social problems that were going on before the empire entered.


The empire has a lot of laws in regards to the people it has absorbed. Because this province had been know to riot or cause problems internally, the empire is a bit stricter with the people. The laws make rations for everyone, and those who earn more than what the empire requires from them can buy extra things. People can't convene in groups larger than 10 unless it is family, and soldiers patrol 24/7. They will look in windows and you must open the door if they knock. Everyone must work, and must be educated up until the age of 14. You can be educated further if you can pay for it, but the empire will only do it for free until 14. Then you work. Most people are made to work in the oil fields.


So basically, the main character eventually is put in a situation that causes him to betray his lover, who is the man who becomes famous. The main character is afraid of what the local government will do to him if he doesn't cooperate, and it discusses a lot of issues in regards to life, relationships, death and fear. Relationships meaning, personal, friendly, romantic, with the country, government, etc. :/


So I need a name for this project, and can't come up with one I don't hate. Any suggestions?

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27789242/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27789242/ Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:08:37 PDT

Speaking of balls...

I kept getting crank called today at work. I don't mind the smart crank calls, or even the typical "trouser snake" is more intelligent than what I was getting today X____x first they call about cats, and at the end of the conversation they say that they like the feeling of a cat vagina. This was said in a crappily imitated accent. I don't know if he was trying to do the Hispanic accent or the Vietnamese accent, but either way it was awfully done. He called a second time, almost sounding like he was trying to do an Italian accent or another crude Vietnamese accent, saying he wanted fried cat penis. So I asked my manager if I could threaten to call the police. The next time he called, he wasn't trying an accent. He just said "I like cat penis." I told him that it was considered harassment, what he was doing, and that if it continued we could call the police and trace the line. He said that I couldn't because he was using Skype it make the calls (... you get an identification number when you use skype anyway). I said, they can trace I.P. addresses. Long pause, then he says "No they can't." But he didn't call again XD I don't really get pissed at one crank call, but the repeated calls....are really annoying. I mean, really gets on my nerves. Don't people have lives? Other things they could be doing?


Bleh, though.... I have realized that I cannot take Claritin. After several days of not waking up to my alarms, being in a dead sleep but still feeling groggy when I woke up... I realized that the days that happened where when I took a Claritin the night before. What should I take for my allergies? The insurance company has already proven in the past that they will not cover prescription allergy medications.. Should I take Zyrtec? I mean, because there is the side effect of drowsiness with Claritin, even though they market it as non-drowsy. I am taking Mirtazapine and it seems to react badly with any medication that has a drowsiness side effect. XD Oh well, I'll suffer until I talk to a doctor. I don't want to start sleeping through my alarms everyday and be late or waste my day sleeping. I mean, I'm talking about a dead sleep for 12-13 hours o__o

Anyway, I'm done blabbering.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27771969/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27771969/ Wed, 14 Oct 2009 21:55:35 PDT

I wish it wasn't raining, so I could walk or ride my bike. I'd handle the cold just fine, but not the constant rain. I am job searching, because I really need a new job, but its


Man, dA just did it again. Without pressing anything, I went back to the previous page...

anyway, my job searching is difficult. Anyone want to hire a mediocre artist who knows their way around photoshop cs2 and cs4 (but nothing spectacular at it?). I have a bachelor's degree in drawing, but its traditional drawing and not graphic drawing. I'd be able to get a job if I got a design degree XD I'm thinking perhaps I should quit photoshop completely (been months since I used it to complete anything) and see if I can build a portfolio that is a good caliber to go to grad school. I still have a part of me that wants to try for the Chicago Art Institute, though I probably wouldn't get in... I could do San Fransisco or KCAI because I was accepted as an undergrad but too poor to attend... :/ Or, I can keep trying for that office job I've been hoping to get.


I currently the song "Vart Ska Min Kärlek Föra," the 1972 recording. Can this obsession with this musical be anymore weird? Now I've got mp3's of the 1970's Swedish recording! XD I'm still quite fan girlie for Fred Johanson, though. It might be a little creepy for him, as I'm some crazy American chick who is in love with his voice, who tried to add him as a friend on facebook and watched that music television show that's in Swedish but with no subtitles. He's only been in the one movie where he sang and so, aside from recordings on his website, and the cell phone vids of him in Les Miserables, I don't really have much else aside from JCS. I don't think I have even found any vids of him in Beauty and the Beast yet. Everyone, though, does joke about how one song he's in a good amount of, I won't watch. You can thank catholic school for that one.


Well, that is what I would call a tangent!


On another subject, I went to the arcade today and they're remodeling again. It will be the third time this year that they've changed the place around. The Para Para game was unplugged and pulled slightly away from the wall, so I was worried that they may be taking it out! I didn't ask, because the middle school up the street had just gotten out and all these kids where at the front counter. But what if they take my game away? I mean, I won't go there to play Dance Dance Revolution because I can play it at home, and guitar freaks isn't enough to keep me coming back. Para para gets just as much game play as the DDR machines, so I wouldn't know why they'd be taking it away. I'm just paranoid, because it'll get expensive to play if they send it to the D.A. place near my house. o__o;;;; I think it was just for remodeling purposes, although I worry. They took away Pop n' Music and D.A. has it now. Well, this is not exactly a crisis, but a huge disappointment if they take it away.


Alrighty then, I think I'm going to strap on some weights and do a little Para Para dancing, at home XD

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27747691/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27747691/ Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:52:59 PDT
So my brother locked the keys in the car earlier today, and my mother went to unlock the car. She says "Well, I lost my parking space" in a joking manner (I can pretty clearly picture how she said it). He gets pissed, cusses her out and flips her off. He says that she was trying to guilt trip him because she had to go let him in the car. >__>; Ok, well, it doesn't sound like a guilt trip to me. When the time I locked the keys in the car happened, she was mad, so he should be grateful she was in good spirits when she went to help him. He has such a temper problem. I've told people before that I have gotten the distinct feeling that he would punch me in the face if I made him angry enough. Last time we got in an argument, I was waiting for him to do it, because he got up in my face and was clenching his fists and such. I'm not so forgiving; if he would have done it, I would have called the cops. :/ Its weird, I love him and can have good conversations with him, but he's got such an anger problem. Gets angry about things that don't need to be reacted to with anger. Its stupid.

Then the women in this family all have a similar eating disorder, and issues up to yin-yang. The most severe would be me, then my sister then my mother. My mom is also dealing with a disorder called B.M. and so she's already stressed out enough as it is. I just don't know why all of us are predisposed to certain mental disorders or problems. I wouldn't be surprised if my brother also had bipolar disorder, or something similar, but he doesn't act/live like I do, so its hard to tell. He spaces out to WOW and goes to school, and works on the weekends. I would want more out of life then WOW...he says he does more than play it, but even so, there's not much more he does.

Anyway, just thought I'd babble about it.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27736163/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27736163/ Mon, 12 Oct 2009 22:15:35 PDT
Well, by the looks of me, I have a feeling that this site is not customized to a woman focusing on muscle building, and not on being sexy. I mean, there's extra pounds, I won't lie, but I am far from huge like they're claiming I am! Oh well, I hear that the BMI is only accurate for averaged height people (i am tall for a woman) with moderate activity levels and a moderate frame (I am fairly active and broad). maybe I'm just trying to make an excuse for it to be wrong, but I'm just saying that I'm pretty sure its not accurate.

In any case, it has a section for activities. I tried "dance dance revolution" assuming that it wouldn't be in the database, but it didn't even have "dancing" or "dance." So its like, they think I hardly do anything even though I dance every day and weight lift nearly everyday... >___>;

Well, I'm on the site to track my food and weight.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27697550/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27697550/ Sat, 10 Oct 2009 23:48:57 PDT

Speaking of cold, it fucking snowed yesterday. : / Its October in Nebraska. This is a time for 40-50 degree weather and trees changing from green to brown, red and yellow. I guess it decided to skip fall completely. Nebraska has indeed, done this before, but its irritating to say the least. I want to kill the snow.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27624870/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27624870/ Tue, 06 Oct 2009 22:11:31 PDT

Oh well, I'm not Mary Poppins and I'm not god, so I guess I have to deal with this stuff as it comes. But damn it, I WANT TO BE MAGIC!

>___>; but don't we all?

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27606922/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27606922/ Mon, 05 Oct 2009 22:12:44 PDT __<

ok, so yeah. I cannot wait for tomorrow to be done. I just can't wait Day off, oh how I really, really want you to be here.

I am also having some issues.

I can't believe that this guy won't get a clue. He tried calling me twice today, but you know, if he had a brain, he'd realize that he needs to leave a voicemail if he wants me to call back. o___o Plus, for some reason he thinks I want to be his friend. I will admit that I'm talking to him out of boredom, but I would like him to lay off a little.

Oh, he's pretty much indian, and works at a convience store, and his name is Raj. Stereotype much?

Also, I hate this fact that there is someone I do like, after all, but as circumstances would have it, I cannot try to even hang out with them. It just can't happen right now. Maybe I'm all o' sudden interested in dating because I want to date someone I can't have XD Sorry for the ambiguity, but honestly I don't want to really talk about who it is, or the situation that makes it difficult. But I just wanted to say I am frustrated by the whole thing. Indeedly.


So back to whatever. Possibly jump-rope...in the rain...at 12AM. XD

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27531012/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27531012/ Thu, 01 Oct 2009 22:20:16 PDT
Its ok, though, at this point I'd rather watch TV and eat some candy goodness.

It all started 7 and a half years ago....when some punked out teenager applied for a job, cause she hated working for 19 year old managers.

It probably started before then, but let's just say, I was already off to a bad start this morning, and work didn't distract me like usual. Oh well, AT LEAST I DIDN'T LOSE MY TEMPER! GO ME! I was pretty tempted...but punching walls and throwing shit isn't such a good idea when you're at work >___>;;;;;;; **EDIT** I must also add, that I am very grateful to certain managers at work, who will let me cry and vent to them so that the temptation to punch and throw shit isn't so strong. For some reason, I feel like I can trust these two particular people, and its really comforting that I have people I can automatically turn to when I'm at work, which seems to be my biggest trigger.


Anyway, I got an official diagnosis at the doctor yesterday... They want to put me on a second medication, and since I'm doing better, but still having mood swings (mostly minor, but I few bad ones here and there).. and totally having mania weeks (like right now, where I am easily distracted, not tired, irritable, and feel the need to babble and run around..)Anyway, they want to put me on this different kind of medication; so the one drug will mess with these chemicals and make it easier for me to sleep, and not to have racing thoughts quite as much... and then the next medication they'll put me on is supposed to help me not have mood swings, and keep the mania weeks from happening (they are the most dangerous times...). Depression weeks are better, because they just make me cry and loaf and loaf and cry... but I don't really do anything else.. XD

Its hard to explain. I'm doing better, but I'm not better. Its really hard to figure these things out. I've had so many epic mood swings today, that right now, I just want to eat candy. And i'm going to. Otherwise I will exercise or god knows what and then I'll be exhausting myself, so I'm trying to avoid those behaviors and things I would do during these mania weeks... So far, so good. But yeah, I told the doc I was worried about being the sort to be doped up.. because the fact of the matter is, is that the diagnosis is severe, but I seem to be responding well to the current treatment. I just need a few adjustments, but I hate the experimentation period :/ We won't know what will be a good combo until probably December. :shrugs:

Oh, but I did get pamphlets. "Coping with Bipolar I" and another one like it. I got my thyroid tested again. Now I have to "wait and see" what the results are. That's like the second time this year they've tested it. I swear to god, if nothing is wrong with it now and then I have to go and do another blood test, well, I'll be pissed. How much blood do they need from me? Anyway, it turns out I have a severe brain disorder, and hopefully, I can make life work with it. >___<

I am still unsure what to think of it. I always refused the possibility of Bipolar I, but this year I was forced to face the fact that it was not just anger management problems. I hate being labeled as such because everyone claims to have the disorder... At least I have solace in the fact that 1: I was diagnosed by two different doctors (psych docs) and 2: I'm afraid people will think I'm making it up or self-diagnosing and 3: There is no cure, or easy, quick way to manage it, and I hate that. But let's face it, I've exhibited the symptoms for over ten years.. X____x So I've been a little muddled-minded because of it, because I swear to god, there is still that part of me going "you don't fucking have bipolar I disorder..."


Oh well, I've been out of it pretty much all evening, and now I'm coming back again. So don't mind me babbling about it here. Now that my senses are back and I'm not mindlessly laying on the couch and watching episodes of family guy I've seen a hundred times, I have a headache. Oh boy. I tried to get myself to go somewhere tonight, but for one reason or another (or should I say excuses?) I've just vegged out instead. But the arcade will be there tomorrow. I suppose I can dance my heart out now, but actually, I'm getting a little sleepy, my feet hurt, and I pretty much just want to get this fucking candy I've been talking about.

Oh, and I wanted to see someone today cause their birthday. I guess I don't have a real "gift," but I have money I would like to give as a gift, and generally it is nice to see people on their birthdays.. Oh well, next time I see herz i m givin' it 2 herz. o___... ]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27487750/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27487750/ Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:49:57 PDT

If you can name who it is, I'll give you a cookie

Anyway, also, my sig changed, because I love Rob Zombie very much right now lol


that is all....

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27438970/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27438970/ Sat, 26 Sep 2009 23:26:14 PDT
I am working out tonight. Jump roped with weights on O___o

now i am para para dancing :3

No more facebook tonight. I am fucking hell-bent at beating my sister's scores on all the games. Games played : about 12, Sister's scores beaten? 1. -___-; I was about 1000 points from beating her score in filler, and in ball bounce, but of course, NO. I have to beat her in chain rxn, which is that type of game where its completely random and if you know where to start your chain you might do well. These other games, you know, the ones that you have to think a little.. well, her scores far out-do mine. that is sad, but i don't know if its sad for me or her. either way, we're playing these fucking pointless games

Also, I have joined pet society. me and my little emo dog-boy

*Edit* Please someone give me a request or something? XD Like, particularly Inuyasha fandom or OCs? It would help me get drawing more.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27367286/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27367286/ Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:28:34 PDT But I will use them NONETHELESS! But chances of me doing para para at the arcade with them on are slim. I'll wear them at the arcade on my ankles.. but they are so big they barely stay on my arms XD So note-to-self, be careful when you para para at home with them on LOL

I bought two ten-pound free weights mostly because the resistance band really doesn't do the specific exercises I want for my bicep/triceps and such. I will buy small resistance tubes later on, plus the prices for treadmills at walmart aren't too bad. :3 I might get one some day but probably not soon. But yeah. WOOT

I'm excited about my jump-rope too. Jumping rope for about 15 minutes can burn around 125 calories (that's why air-heavy DDR burns so much). I can't use the jump-rope in my room because I don't have the clearance, but I'll use it outside when its not the middle of the night.

Anyway, off to dance and see how these weights work!

*EDIT* Wow.... what a difference 5 pounds to each arm makes XD

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27331719/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27331719/ Mon, 21 Sep 2009 02:21:13 PDT
Bought two t-shirts today (srsly? new clothes 4 reelz?) Yeah. A new Manson shirt to replace the one going into storage (but sadly, it isn't a concert-t) and I finally got myself to get a rob zombie shirt

I saw "9" today. It was decent. I enjoyed it enough, although the only thing that really caught me was the animation. I liked the concept, but I wished they had delved a little deeper into the origins and personalities of the dolls. Although, I think I love 6 best of all. I fucking LOVE HIM. All day I've been telling people "go back to the source," and of course, they have no idea what I'm talking about or what planet I am from. I never saw the original short film, but honestly, I don't think a little more character development would have ruined anything. But holy fuck, I love the machinery in that movie. It was haunting, and you know what, it actually creeped me out a little. I couldn't help but think of Wall-E when the big machine was awoken... it just reminded me of Auto.

I wish that building muscle and working out would show results a lot faster than it does (when you're doing it healthily). Its not that I'm like getting discouraged or disappointed, I just think it will be so cool the days where I finally get to where I want to be... and I just want it to come sooner XD

OK now I'm going to bed.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27311256/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27311256/ Sun, 20 Sep 2009 01:16:21 PDT If I give up even for one day it will result in me giving up more often, then completely dropping the project. BUT NO I am not going to let this fizzle out, because I just feel like I have to do this, and I really want to accomplish my ultimate goal.

I went from a DDD cup to a D cup this year. Very nice, very nice.


Anyway, I think I sprained my ankle at some point this past week. My ankle has been going from annoying constant pain to some pain to random sharp pains.. then no pain...o__O then it swells epically then goes away, only to swell epically again the next day. I think either I sprained it or I really really need new work shoes. I wear the work shoes 5xs more often than my everyday run-o-round shoes, and they've pretty much died. Now I gotta buy new ones again, but that's alright.

An annoying thing is that, I canceled my debit and credit cards the other day because of my lost wallet. I got my credit card first, even though they said I'd get the debit card. So I'm basically using the credit card until the debit card comes. All these little things I'm paying for with a credit card Oh well, though. Better than writing checks for everything.

Ok, well, I am going to go to bed and sleep.. Going to do lots of stuff tomorrow, hopefully buy a new t-shirt


RIP Marilyn Manson shirt... you bookmark one of the best concerts I have ever been to

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27291600/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27291600/ Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:57:57 PDT
In other news, for the hell of it, I decided to do a little flexibility training. I seem to be more flexible than I remember... o___o. I guess with this stuff the more you work at it/practice, the better you are at it. But for me, I'm doing the stretches in hopes to make my muscles ache less and be able to sustain more exercise... you know how people can touch their toes? These days I can put my hands completely palm-down on the floor when I do that stretch. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is a difficult thing to do. I can also touch my head to my feet during a butterfly stretch, which is pretty funny. anyway, done!

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27272744/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27272744/ Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:13:20 PDT

One problem with using checks is that they don't get taken out of your account right away. I have no idea how much I've spent since Tuesday... o___o I couldn't make a credit card payment cause the account was closed LOL I canceled the card on tuesday night, which was when the payment was due.. so I better not be getting no late fees. I really want my debit card back, though.

Anyway, work was shit today, but I felt alright about it. Just needed to take a short break from a-dancin' to blabber on about stuff. OK back to business.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27218967/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27218967/ Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:00:30 PDT [link]


My lady parts hurt.

I am going to para para a bit. XD

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27176520/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27176520/ Sat, 12 Sep 2009 18:46:00 PDT
I want to be able to work out and not be sore like this soon, so every muscles gets worked everyday (of course there's resting days) until they're used to being extensively used! Some of these exercises will be easier once I start hittin' the gym. I want to get into shape and look into cycling clubs, for some reason I'm really excited about this. Some may think I'm a little crazy for wanting to ride my bike 430 miles in a few years, or at least have the body and stamina to do it in two years. But it sounds like so much fun.. XD Nebraska is nice and flat anyway, so its a good start before mountain biking, which I hope to ride some trails in the Rocky Mountains someday. Anyway, I want to be a serious cyclist, so I'm really focusing on this goal.

SO yeah, back to the para para dancing. You know, when you do them and focus on working every muscle instead of just your arms, you really can get a good work out. Also, the whole not having arrows to hit thing works well too. :3

I'm learning most the dances from the Playstation game. [link] has all the dances under the "video" link. They are the same vids I learned from when I started playing at the arcade. Just in case your curious or wanted to start doing a lower-impact exercise, or if you just love to dance

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27141596/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27141596/ Thu, 10 Sep 2009 21:27:11 PDT
I hope I don't get to bent out of shape over one lack-o-sleep night. It isn't too different than my old ways, but I don't want to be groggy in the morning.. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to fall asleep, but my body hurts so bad right now that I think I could. My brain is killing me, I cleaned 71 fishtanks today. I don't really understand how cleaning tanks can cause a migraine, but it happens to everyone who works there. Maybe its because of all the up/down you do when you're cleaning them, or maybe it has to do with how your arm is positioned...maybe overexposure to fish water? I'd like to know why we all get headaches when we do too much...

How come the one Thursday night I get everything done early is the one Thursday night where its dead? Fuck statistics, they often lie to me.

Anyway, I am going to join 24-hour fitness tomorrow, or I think I will. Then I think I'll go to the movies, and maybe even the arcade.. I have to work at 6 on Saturday morning too, so I will definitely need sleep. Maybe I'll go to bed at 8 tomorrow night :/

WELL, that's my boring life!

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27123890/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27123890/ Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:35:40 PDT

*edit*

Does anyone know of a decent comic-booking software? One that's decent but not incredibly expensive (don't want to spend over, let's say, 150 dollars)? Just curious. I can do all the page layouts on Photoshop, but just wondering if there was an easier program to use.. :/

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27100156/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27100156/ Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:24:22 PDT megaherz

Much harder than you used to be, but even better. Every German metal band I love remakes one of the most random songs. Rock Me Amadeus

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27093947/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27093947/ Tue, 08 Sep 2009 12:42:07 PDT
]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27021697/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/27021697/ Fri, 04 Sep 2009 18:54:35 PDT


I think I'll end up annoying my brother listening to the same song all the time. Just like the past few days of listening to Konami music. I'm in a different mood, so different song set.


I work the closing shift tomorrow I guess that's good.


anyway... yeah

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26982509/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26982509/ Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:31:38 PDT that disorder. Its like, easier to live with and when you get on meds for it, you will be normalized and probably be able to lose some weight. But NOOOOOO I have an excess. Hopefully, when I get the more thorough tests done, it will say that its just a little high or not high at all. I don't know how stress affects that hormone either, so I hope it was high because of stress. I don't want to deal with meds and weight gain : /


I don't think its a big deal, but I fucking hate going to the doctor. I don't want to have a chronic illness. I don't want to deal with this shit. Its to the point where I just want to be like "Its my fucking brain making me completely mental" instead of another part of the body wigging out. DX I just don't want to see another doctor, have more blood drawn, and have to wait another two weeks and then be on more medications and that sort of thing. I'm already scheduled to go to three different mental health people every week, and now I got to work in a physician's appointment, which is just once if everything is normal, and to see the OB-GYN at some point, which is always fun. DX

Anyway, just thought I'd rant a little....

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26967425/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26967425/ Tue, 01 Sep 2009 21:26:10 PDT
]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26958897/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26958897/ Tue, 01 Sep 2009 14:20:21 PDT

In lamest terms, DDR is the best thing that I have ever owned. :d

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26926752/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26926752/ Sun, 30 Aug 2009 23:22:43 PDT
I had managed to get myself in a better mood (the whole first part of my day I was so irritated at nothing and dissociative as well). I had laid in a fetal position without realizing it for half an hour without really realizing it until I sneezed... But yeah, got in a better mood. I was all geared up to go to Walmart even (I usually hate walmart), then totally crapped out. I was going to draw something epic, then I crapped out again. So I sat there and smoked and was like "God, I really suck, don't I?" So I came inside and was going to do some Para Para dances.. then crapped out..

So I know I'm supposed to stop negative thoughts but no matter how many times I took a deep breath and said "this is just your brain, which developed abnormally, giving you problems" I wish wish wish that just saying that would make the brain be like "ho shit, better start balancing them chemicals" but of course, it doesn't. Fuck trauma and fuck the way it changes the brain.

Its been insightful learning about traumatic experiences, and the one that affected me terribly. Worse than the whip thing, worse than other things I experienced. Seriously. Doesn't help that I feel stupid talking about that year in my life, or the things that happened then. I used to be like, oh I'm so over it, but never really over it... I hate that our pasts can actually make our brains change and react and feel things differently than the majority of people. Then nobody really has an answer on how to make your brain function properly, and so they test out drugs on you to see if they can. But its a long process, and you can't even know if the Mirtazapine is going to work until after 6 weeks of daily use. All i can say is that this episode is epic mood swing after epic mood swing.

I felt shitty when I started writing this blog, and now I feel alright again.. WTF

I did some research on the drug and no one can explain it to me in lamest terms. I don't need to know all the fucking chemistry of it. -__-; All I know is that it blocks such-and-such receptors and can be effective as an antihistamine (you know, I realized my allergies had gotten better, but didn't attribute it to this).. but I did take a Benedryll today, which might be why I got so dopey and a headache. It apparently can make the side effects stronger of drugs like this. Man, and all they say is don't drink alcohol with it. I also know that it is a different kind of antidepressant than what most doctors give patients as popular ones usually balance one or two chemicals and the one I'm taking balances like 3 (according to doctor).

So far, the only side effects I've been suffering are dizziness (much much more head rushes to the point of tripping or falling), lucid dreams (have had like 3 and they are fucking trippy), vivid dreams and apparently it is making me hornier than usual. : P

Anyway, so yeah. Just venting frustrations about the disorder.. but you know, now that I'm admitting that there is, indeed, a problem that needs professional assistance, its getting easier. First things first is acceptance, isn't it?





It feels like its been a year since I've seen my therapist.

*edit* Also, fuck dA! Just because I'm no longer subscribed doesn't mean I deserve to be re-directed to an ad page. I was sitting here minding my own god damned business when all of a sudden the page changes from dA to some fucking ad. I didn't even click anything.. I hate it when this happens and it makes me believe that dA is the reason my PC is fucked up... *VENT*

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26923277/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26923277/ Sun, 30 Aug 2009 19:18:30 PDT
I want to be able to watch it wherever, whenever and without retards' commentary typed below the picture, without it being pixelated when full-screen, and without skips because I have to click a different link to continue.

So, i'm going to buy the movie, then buy the older version of it later. And I will be happy, and have started an actual movie collection, because I think it'd be nice to have the movies I really like at my disposal. I've always felt guilty about purchasing them but now, I see how happy this particular movie has been making me feel... and makes me think that maybe owning them will make me feel better when I'm having down days.. like today. I've perked up because of this movie.


...I feel embarrassed for sharing the movie with people, though, unless I know they like musicals and stuff like musicals. Because, its hard to explain your love for something when someone is already prone to disliking it. I don't want to make someone sit through it just to appease me DX LOL Seriously, I would love to have a little group who loves it just as much as me, but you know, not people online.. : P

[link]

Enjoy

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26900793/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26900793/ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 17:45:16 PDT
Drawing is easier and takes less time to produce, but I have a lot of writing I want to do. Most of it is and forever will be un-postable on dA, but there's some more idea vomit coming around. I thinking of taking the Elijah idea vomit and writing.. well trying to write, a novel about him..

OMFG SO MUCH RESEARCH NEEDED.

I am one of those anal types who has to know whether or not a word was used during the time period, or if they had such-and-such types of clothes, the colloquialisms that were around, the books, composers.. EVEN SHIT LIKE SANTA CLAUS D: I'm serious. When I found out that Santa Claus wasn't a common traditional until the 1800s, I almost cried! Even little nuances in the British navy uniform that changed between the 1730s to the 1790s have to be as correct as possible for me.. :/ The only thing I will NOT do to Elijah is put him in a wig of any sort D:

My biggest problem right now is to figure out what exactly an upper-class woman would wear and a middle class woman would wear in the decades of 1760, 1770, and mostly 1790... because I get paintings of mostly French clothing during the 18th century and I need more British examples, especially in the London area as well as in the port city of Plymouth XD Unless it was undeniably the same..And the problem is, is that I want everyday clothing and many paintings are to fucking extravagant for me to believe it was worn every single day.

I also need to figure out if I want to start from his infancy and childhood, or just start at his late teens and go from there. You'd learn more about why he is the way he is if I gave more insight to his childhood, but there are ways to do that without describing the whole thing.. then again, it might be a fun thing to do.. DX DAMN You'd really get to hate his mother and Michael quicker if I dragged you through the childhood.. lol... uuuugh but then I'd have to do research about the American revolt in the 1770s and I mean, fuck, how involved would his father have been and etc etc.. >__<;;;;;;;;;


Anyway, just rambling. : P

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26848289/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26848289/ Thu, 27 Aug 2009 00:53:42 PDT __<


I have lost most of my faith in humankind. I hate people in the collective sense, although every once in a great while I have had the privilege of connecting with people that do not follow the common hateful, spiteful ways of the rest of humanity. After working in retail, and for a money-hungry cooperation, I have found my detest in this concept of humanity grow forever stronger. Not one day goes by when I speak at that place where I don't, hours or days later, worry that my words will be twisted or saved for the future, to be used as a sort of acid to burn me or others that work there. I see power hungry people, who failing at what they wanted out of life, decide that their positions of power in little shit stores make them feel like they can manipulate those around them. I'm tired of encountering numerous people who think that life is fine if they can get by just half-assing it, and then complain to me when off the clock, in a drunken stupor, about how their lives suck (and no, no, I am not speaking of any friends on here who also work with me; you guys are not the ones who do this). I hate sitting here wondering if my tone of exasperation will be misused and taken, aimed and fired at people that it was not intended for, for the sole purpose of a power hunger two-bit person of authority to find yet another reason to chap the ass of someone who works under them. I am perpetually surprised and frustrated that when things are done according to the rules, that people still get bitched at for them, and it happens to everyone who is not of the highest levels of management at the place. When they wonder why I find so much pain and agitation at this place, why my biggest trigger is my job, it is because there is no confidentiality, no way of trusting anyone, and the constant push to do more work than one can possibly do alone. They open up all these extra stores in hopes to find a rise in business, only to find that it makes less business for everyone when things are spread so incredibly fucking thin. There's not enough reliable people to man the stores, either. They say they will fix the problem, but they do not. They simply skim as much off as possible in order to retain more profit, leaving a store in shambles and its employees scrambling around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying hard to get everything done. They work the full-time people to the bone, and shaft the part-time employees of their hours. Then they turn around yell at the people who are full time because things aren't getting done, and bitch and threaten the part-time employees because they can't get anything done in a two and a half hour shift. It exasperate those of us who are there five days a week, and it belittles the part time people, who end up not giving a shit because they will only be there for 8 hours this week. I don't get pissed at the part time people, because they are never there. I get pissed at the sheer disorganization of the shit-hole I call work. I hope that what I'm fretting about doesn't become an issue. At the time, I was pissed at the person who was there for being so damn aloof as they always are. Something needed to get done and I had to ask a manager to make sure it got done. I hate that I was given this flippin' position to only have no one listen to me, and when I have to go to the manager, to have people get angry with me (which I hope is not the case). Though because of this particular manager, and the way the schedule is this week, I feel like there's an impending doom coming for someone undeserving, simply because I told the truth, and they will take that and twist it into something I did not actually say so they can burn someone who wasn't even there at the time. Simply because they have a problem with this person for god only knows why. These thoughts have sprouted this very relieving vent about retail work and all the stupid shit it entails. Honestly, this job has continually reminded me of a junior high school class. Its all about gossip and betrayal on levels that, really, I have not seen besides in a classroom full of thirteen year olds. And of course, I anticipate childish reactions from most people I work with for different things (once again, not you guys.. DX ). I can't help to be uptight.

Piling this on while dealing with an exceedingly difficult neurotic disorder makes it difficult to calmly and sanely cope with the neurotic disorder. I can't help but find myself constantly stupefied at everything that goes on there. I find people tip-toeing around me because, alas! I was in the hospital and took a short medical leave. Then I am like the most fucking popular kid in school, and its almost like, I hate this idea of ideal employee that for some reason, people see in me. Its like, too much expectation, and they only pull this card out when they want thi... ]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26845988/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26845988/ Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:10:14 PDT
I'm assuming that most will not read it so don't mind if I spoil it a little. I have to admit that throughout the entire book, I felt mostly sorry for Dom Claude Frollo, although he did advance on La Esmerelda in ways I wouldn't necessarily approve, he was just so lost because of his life's dedication to the church. He just never had loved anyone. And really, it wasn't so weird for a man of 40 to marry a woman of 16 in 1483.. :/ His death was one that was like, I figured would happen (I was guessing he'd commit suicide) but you know that Quasimodo felt bad for knocking him off the cathedral. I might've too had I witnessed the sheer insanity that was Frollo at that moment, but still. Esmerelda was the stupidest person in the entire cast of characters! If she had just realized that Pheobus would never ever go for her, she would have not done so many stupid things. I did not feel bad for her when she was hanged in the least bit. At that moment, I only felt bad for Quasimodo D: God, she wouldn't have been hanged had she just shut the fuck up!

My favorite character aside from Frollo did live, and that was Gringoire.. but did the goat really have to die? I mean, really? It amused me oh so much that he saved Djali, the goat, instead of staying by Esmerelda's side. After all, she only took advantage of Gringoire when it seemed to help her.. but fuck, she's such a bitch. He loved the goat more than her! HAHAHA....Gringoire did find some success at the end as a playwright, and why the fuck didn't Pheobus die? Shit, I hated him quite a bit too... but he's just an idiot. Hugo gives us some insight to his unhappiness with his marriage. XD I guess that can be worse than death.

Of course, they found Quasimodo and Esmerelda's skeletons together in the burying place, or rather, where they toss the bodies of the executed, and his skeleton turned to dust when they touched it. For some reason he was so attached to Esmerelda, even though she was the reason he was flogged and she wouldn't even talk to him or look at him. She tried, apparently, to get over the ugliness, but she couldn't, so he just left her food and flowers and left her alone otherwise. D: Frollo had never struck or been cruel to Quasimodo until she got involved. I just fucking hate her! XD

So in the end, mostly everyone dies, but it was such a marvelous book. Only i was surprised that the climax happened so near to the end of the book... but that's okay. In other circumstances Hugo would've taken 300 pages to describe the whole scene (is it sad that I wrote "discribed" and it took me several moments to figure out why it was spelled wrong?) Anyway, just excited about the book and finishing it.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26843257/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26843257/ Wed, 26 Aug 2009 18:39:39 PDT

[link]

Click it, its a cover of a Danny Elfman song he did!

Well, I like it....


Anyway, lots of beautiful renditions he did on his site too, plus all sorts of just.. I love his voice


*Edit*
I'm starting to like a lot of Swedish bands and musicians thanks to my original love of Johanson,

I'm starting to dig Ola Salo too :3

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26790864/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26790864/ Mon, 24 Aug 2009 07:39:48 PDT .

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26778900/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26778900/ Sun, 23 Aug 2009 16:07:04 PDT
First, Acrobat reader crashed, then CS2, then windows media player, then windows movie maker, then microsoft word... D: NOW CS4, my photos crash too.. I think I need to do updates, I hope this is the problem. I have had this version of XP for years and never had significant crash-age without the aid of a virus... so I can't really seem to figure it out. I have two virus programs, neither have found anything, and a firewall that blocks all access to my PC unless otherwise OK'd by me... ugh. I hate that there might be tons of bugs.. I have checked my memory and there's enough, and the CPU usage is never high unless I'm watching an excessive amount of youtube vids or have photoshop, itunes and downloading stuff at the same time. I'm sure all will be figured out soon, I'm sure its an update/glitch thing that will be easily fixed.. but I can't even import from my scanner right now without having issues with Arcsoft or Photoshop *sniff*

Well, its not a big deal, but I don't want to deal with it unless it'll behave.


But its not art of Ponyo, like people may have thought.. but some sexy art anyway!


And a few sexy pics of Elijah Adams :#

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26722288/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26722288/ Thu, 20 Aug 2009 20:38:27 PDT
Another problem is every time I think I've found the accompaniment its from the CD that has all the songs with a vocal track, and then all the songs without right after.. so I want just the back track for the song.. but its always the one with the vocal track! D:

anyway, that is my dilemma.

I've been looking at auditions around town, and I missed the ones for the only musical during this season I'd want to be in (Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat). The next musical they're auditioning for is a Christmas Carol. My cockney accent is terrible, and more like a parody of the cockney accent. I can do a fairly decent.. like.. not cockney British accent, but they want cockney! D: So I could watch Oliver Twist movies for a few hours everyday and see if I can get it down.. but then again, I'm not sure how much I like this musical, or how much I would want to be in it... Plus.. it would be a "volunteer" position and I think I would like to be paid to perform.. especially if its for a musical I'm not particularly fond of. : / Anyway, after that they'll have auditions for Fiddler on the Roof in March.. :3 So I might just audition for it because that is a musical I enjoy XD they have some other one before a christmas carol that's based on Elvis Presley and that sort of thing... its like, similar to Bye Bye Birdie, but not Bye Bye Birdie (if i was, i would so audition for it lol). Everywhere I look for auditions for places outside the city they keep sending me to these shitty sites that only give me pointers and where to find sheet music (i don't have a living breathing accompanist, and hella can't afford one..). I would like to be in Pirates of Penzance, Jesus Christ Superstar, Godspell or Oklahoma! above all, but I guess I'll have to keep my eye out for anything that might be pleasing for me to participate in. XD

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26691113/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26691113/ Wed, 19 Aug 2009 11:47:13 PDT
So, no, I'm not going to. This is the only time he was asked to do anything maintenance on the car, so I'm not going to take over just because he wants to play WoW all day.


Anyway,

Besides, this is my first full-day back home, and taking the car in (he's the one who flattened the tire, so he should be the one to deal with the B.S.) stresses me out a lot more than you'd think. I just wanted to relax and not deal with anything today.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26540015/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26540015/ Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:12:07 PDT
I like people to be specific, so just like.. tell me something like "this guy doing this" and I will try to draw it D: I can try to do multiple people and stuff, but I am not always good at producing normal looking couples/multiples. Anyway, just an idea. I need something to focus on XD


Anyway, reading Hunchback of Notre Dame, and made it to book 4 (whoo-hoo) I suffered and forced myself to read the chapter regarding the Notre Dame cathedral...which reminded me that I was reading a Victor Hugo work. God, so much detail about Paris, then jumping from "Oh this happened in 14-something or other, but this changed in the 18th century, the current blah-blah, let's jump back to the 1300s and talk about something that happened then to this building, and let's just list off a bunch of buildings and what their roofs look like.." I understand that he wants us to know what it looks like from the top of Notre Dame, and how much of a shame that the splendid architecture keeps getting destroyed, but for the love of god...

I kept getting confused about what year it takes place too, because he confused me (redundant). But like, he mentions that 3 years ago it was 1480, then talks about things that happened in the 1430's like they just happened, and then its suddenly f-ing 1466.. DX Oh well, I figured out how the dating thing works, so at least I remember the year in which it occurs. Seriously, but I love his writing style.


Anyway, i feel better now that things have been generally resolved. And I didn't see any meteors ): I think its because there's a huge f-ing hospital in my way.

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26538384/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26538384/ Tue, 11 Aug 2009 23:11:59 PDT
]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26529542/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26529542/ Tue, 11 Aug 2009 14:39:31 PDT
I have a minor staff infection, and yesterday, I noticed it had spread. So a good portion of infected skin there, its all read and hot, and making my muscle ache only slightly. SO i'm like, shit, if the skin infection has spread to the muscle...then I'm a bit more fucked. Makes me sound nasty, but I do shower everyday. It starts with minor irritations from clothing, soaps, etc.. (the infection is much better today, though).

I played DDR for two hours before I had to go to work. Probably a good thing I did, cause I can't imagine how much worse I'd be if I hadn't.


Being positive is easier said than done.


I hate hanging out in groups. I dread it.


I kind of just want to quit working and let all my bills go delinquent. I understand just quitting your job, even though its stupid to do so, because you just can't handle it anymore. I'm surprised people get demonized for it... though I'm not saying they should do it because they feel like it. I'm just saying I understand why they'd do it.


i've been eating better lately. doesn't seem to be changing my moods...

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26518756/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26518756/ Tue, 11 Aug 2009 02:38:59 PDT
For several months now, I have complained about my sister, a lot. And its because she was doing so many stupid things that I just couldn't understand at all. These boyfriends and things that I well, would never imagine doing on first date kind of stuff.. She called me to take her places and pick her up from work (but you know, a lot of people have taken advantage of my ability to drive here or there... including some of my close friends..especially during high school. in her case, it irritated me because of how much she'd talk when I got her, and have these sudden "let's go here while were at it" sort of things, etc).

When we were younger, particularly in high school, she did a lot of bitchy things to me, and as a child, there were some not so nice things she did. I know she resented me, a lot. This at least I can understand; my dad seems to like me better, and I was always the "cuter" one, at least thinner one.. She got angry about stuff that I didn't really think she should get angry about. Like the therapy thing in high school. The school threatened to call CPS, and that's why I was in therapy.. my sister got mad that they didn't send her first... but.. the only reason I went was because there was a chance that the state would have taken me away.

She was driving me crazy, I'll admit, and anyone who has family knows that a relative can drive you so crazy that you pretty much hate them. You want them to be as far away as possible. I felt like this. I couldn't care less if I talked to her again. I admitted it, I said I pretty much hated her. She had been calling me almost every week, once or twice, for me to drive her somewhere. I was doubly pissed when she didn't come to my aide when my stuff was stolen, especially how she talked to me that day. I was always sick of her saying that she really cared about me, but continually failed to show me that she did (which, again.. a lot of people have done this. there's a lot of things i wouldn't have done if someone had just been by my side..). I was also really irritated that she told someone she was afraid that I would commit suicide when my parents were out of town.

but you know what?

When I come home late, or don't call for many hours, and no one knows where I am?

They think I've finally done it...

When my mom told me that she thought I had finally skipped town, or done something crazy when I didn't come home for several hours (without calling), it made me feel really ashamed for being mad at my sister for having that concern. Especially with the way I had treated her the few weeks prior.



She had her moments, and I've had a lot of fun with her time to time. But she's just like my parents, let's face it. They really messed me up, but they're awesome now.. my sister is changing into someone better.

I don't know if you've ever experienced this, when you're feeling so shitty, and awful, and alone.. and like no one seems to really understand, and then you talk to someone about it, and realize that they actually know what you're going through? This is what happened with my sister. When I discussed with her, a while back, about the EAP and getting help, and she talked about that too. We talk about abusing our bodies. She with her compulsive eating, me with god knows what else.. and for once, I feel like we actually, truly connect with something. She knows where I grew up, what my parents were like, the school I went to, the high school I went to.. she's witnessed me spiral down down down, she's seen me gain 70 pounds, then drop 70 pounds.. was there when Renee killed herself, was there when my mother found out I was self mutilating.. She lived a similar experience to me. When I talk to her, I don't have to explain myself so much, because she already knows these things.

Frankly, I feel like I've been such a bitch to her... I was so irritated that I just whined about all of her faults and the things that bug me about her.. I never talked about good times we had, mostly because there weren't many times I felt happy or pleased hanging out with her (but I can't help but wonder if this was.. because I have issues or because of her. There are plenty of times with plenty of people when I just feel so horrible inside..)

I had a sudden realization that these boyfriends she had and the things she did were done out of this pure hope and desire that someone would love her unconditionally. I feel like such a bitch for not thinking about this sooner. She is confrontational. She is really heavy. She does talk a lot. She did ask for rides often... And tell people things about me that I wish she hadn't, and done all sorts of ridiculous things.. But the fact is, is that she's in therapy now, and I want her to get better. I want us to get better. I feel like I've been so unfair, which is why I'm making more of an ef... ]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26489800/ http://ska-chan-punk-san.deviantart.com/journal/26489800/ Sun, 09 Aug 2009 18:15:29 PDT
"God wouldn't ask a mother to sacrifice her child for the sake of the world!. *moment of awkward silence* again"

]]> ~ska-chan-punk-san