http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:slvice14&section=today deviantART RSS for by:slvice14 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 18 Dec 2009 19:23:26 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/27085826/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/27085826/ Mon, 07 Sep 2009 23:27:43 PDT Am I ready for this? Have I earned it?

]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/23658698/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/23658698/ Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:18:44 PDT Having done such constant introspect, I have to admit that I am no closer to coming up with any answers or solutions to any of my current problems in my life. I really don't understand how this society works or why it has continued to work.
-Why we pay money to insurance companies to provide us with a service and then when we do get in an accident we are too scarred to use that service? Why do we put up with this?
-Why do we settle for medial jobs that are so wasteful of our time, resources. Most of the time they are all about profit and screwing the hard working guy/girl on the bottom and destroying the environment in the process. Most of the time they are corrupt and treat the low paid workers like shit when they are the hardest working people there? Why do we put up with this?
-Why do we continue to drive or even purchase cars that get such poor economy?
-Why do we settle for cars that are half gas, half electric?
-Where are the "all electric" cars at?
-Why do we not have solar panels on every roof on every building, office and home?
-Why do we continue to waste so much water, knowing damn full well that we are running out of it?
-Why so we pay so damn much money (rent) to a person (landlord) that will allow us to live (tennancy) in their crappy little room that maybe has a toilet (appartment) and dare to call this "living."
-Why so we spend 40 hours (sometimes more) doing a "job" that we may or may not even like? Only to come home to a over priced room that we rent. Where we sit down in front of the television and drastically over eat, because we didn't have time to eat during out work week. All while getting high, as if that is going to solve your problems.
-Why

]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/22405610/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/22405610/ Mon, 05 Jan 2009 00:01:16 PST
I look back at how my life have changed since January. This is when I made the biggest decisions in my life, quitting my job and moving out of my parents home. It’s funny how the first decision actually contradicts the second but in my mind made the second more possible. Life would have been easier this past year if I had kept my actual job as the trainer. But at the same time it would have held me back in other ways. I wouldn’t have grown as much on the plane that I have. I’ve learned more about wants versus needs, especially when it comes to money issues.
It hasn’t been easy to set aside the things I want for the things that I need because on some days I just didn’t have the money to buy frivolous items. I had to stick to the basics, bread/meat/fruit/veggies. No junk. It has not been hard for me to turn down sugar filled junk since I lost my apatite for those things back in junior high with the addition of braces to my mouth. These lessons in money and needs vs. wants has taught me much about myself. I have found it very empowering to live on very little. I call this another one of those Tracker moments. I have defied my parents and the typical social belief that you have to have a “good paying” job to be able to make it on your own. It certainly does help but doesn’t have to be the only thing in order to survive.
As far as work goes. I did what I could to make some money here and there. I put many hours into manifesting work for myself and even got creative with what I thought needed to be done in my new living area. I found the experience of working with Bob, to be freeing and enlightening as well. I was able to look on the bright side of being outdoors and free to choose work as it came and went. These were two options that I didn’t have in my previous line of work. My pay was more steady and slightly lower but it was more consistent.
It’s not that I’m in my twenties and “suddenly need to figure things out” but rather in my twenties and finding these life lessens on what has become a daily basis. Many situations have occurred in my life and each one has presented it’s own tasks to be grappled with. Lessens of love and heart, sex and intimacy, money, time management, lessons of judgment, lessons of food and health, lessons in trusting others and my own intuition, lessens in giving and receiving. Lessons in how to act mature vs. actually being mature. This doesn’t even include the lessons from tracker school. This list could go on and on, to the extent of filling many pages with the simple concepts that I have been made aware of. The point here is that I am very thankful for what has been given to me in my life and especially in the past 14 months. Tony’s generosity and patients has been more than a blessing to me, given my current set of circumstances and I am more than thankful.
I hope that the coming year brings more positive change into my life and others. I hope to spend more time working on my skills of spirit, healing, and tracking, mind, body and soul.
Namaste to all.
Thank you.

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf.
]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/21380357/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/21380357/ Fri, 07 Nov 2008 22:08:11 PST -I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
-I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I honestly think that having my heart ripped out, like the Aztecs did, would be a lot less painful right now.

So much pain.

Bob Proctor says that "you will never attract anything into your life that isn't in harmony with your self."

How the fuck is this "in harmony with myself"

I'd sit and cry but I have no tears??? How the fuck is that possible?

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf.
]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/21360380/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/21360380/ Thu, 06 Nov 2008 16:16:47 PST
Master Song and I had a long conversation Tuesday after class. He spoke about all things in life and how they affect Judo, or rather how Judo affects everything in life. He told me not to worry about money but rather to just focus on Judo and that the money for my Judo practice will come. He also spoke of how he's "I'm 64 year old now. I no young any mo." And that there are few Grand Masters in the area to learn from. I felt like he was trying to sell me the idea of training under him, but what is weird is that I already have been sold on this. We spoke for an hour or more. I could hear the war zone like celebration going on out side. He spoke of how "you handle relationships in love and work and school and family, will be exactly how you handle relationship in Judo." This I had learned already from my experiences in high school football. Master Song told me about how relationships and my attitudes towards them will effect my Judo and vice versa. Maturity and patients go hand in hand. He spoke a lot of Jesse and how he doesn't handle things the way I do. That he and I are different people. That I can be a teacher for him and most of the students in our class. I mentioned that if I'd have stayed with Judo and not taken some time off from it that I could be working on my black belt by now. Master Song agreed with me and seemed to get excited. I could be one of the highest ranking students in the class at this point, but there is so much more to it that just the rank. Deep inside myself I don't feel like I'm all that skilled. I feel like the other students are stronger, faster and are better skilled than me. They are also more brutal and over reacting in their movements. Though Master Song says few of these skills are useful in a tournament. I have much to learn about that, and I really don't feel like being a participant in competition.
When our conversation was over and I walked to my car, it was quite war zone like out side. Crazy freaken people! I was excited over the election too but good god! I could only imagine the rioting if he didn't win.
When I listen to Master Song speak in class, I often feel like even though he's talking to or about something that another student is doing that he's talking directly to me. "You need to use more hip." "Soft shoulder an loose grip." I have found a few people in that class that take it as seriously as I do, or would like to. I guess I have to ask what is stopping me from being better in all ways. Well maybe I don't have to ask, I already know. But I do have to search myself for those answers as they are buried like all the answers in life.
I've always felt nervous before a promotional test and for some reason I was able to come to the conclusion that this test will be no more different than a day of hard class. All I need to do is review and practice more. I would make no difference if the test were tomorrow or on the 29th (like it originally was). Moving the test to the 22nd because of the holidays will make no difference in my Judo career.
There are few times in Judo class when all I have on my mind is Judo. I'm getting better at it though. Like all things in life it takes consistent practice. So today I have 2,000 sweeps to practice before I go to class. I wasn't able to make the time to get my 1,000 in yesterday. So I need to make up for that.
Last night while I dangle on the end of a rope at the top of every climb I did, I felt very insecure. With so many things in my life. Rock climbing has become a metaphor for my life as Judo has and as HS football did.
Well enough rambling I have to go finish my wood project.

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf.
]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20979596/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20979596/ Tue, 14 Oct 2008 01:34:44 PDT
I have to admit, lately I just haven't felt inspired in any way. Not artistically, not emotionally, not spiritually, physically, mentally or even financially. Some people call this "depression" other have called it "the blues." Tom Brown will speak of a disease called "hopelessness." I don't care what you call it, it is what I feel right now. Joy from 24 used to call it "a funk."
There are few things that motivate me to get out of bed each day. I feel that I am only focusing on the things that I don't want and have therefor attracted that/those things into my life. So once in a hole and surrounded by the unwanted, how does one begin to surround themselves with what they do want? How can I change my way of thinking and way of being?
I have found that the most painful experiences in life are the ones that I need to have in order to grow and further mature. Yet I spend much of my time avoiding these things. Like judo for example. I have a bunch of "ouchies" and bumps and even a few broken bones. Master Song knows about these things because he experienced them too in his own training. He didn't get to be a Grand Master by sitting out a few classes 'cause he was in pain. So what gives me the right to think that it's ok for me to?
Sometimes I get fed up with the people that go to judo just to fight. It's like there is no spiritual path or reason for them to train. Other than the wanting to beat on others. Typical american ego. I don't understand where their drive comes from? Nor will I ever. Then again perhaps I am thinking to much about this.
Stalking Wolf says that people work for four things: Peace, love, joy and purpose. I have Peace, I have much love. I am full of and find much joy in each day. Currently I am struggling to find a new purpose.
I have been spending time searching for my answers to these things by doing a few of the meditations from philosophy's 1 and 2. Not to mention the one's that Diane has lead us through. I have asked why to so many guides so many times, "Why?" "Why is this coming into my life?" "Why is this leaving my life?" "Did I make this happen?" "What is the next step?" "What direction do I go in from here?" "What is the best course of action?" I haven't been able to hear, see or feel any answer. Maybe I'm being impatient and just squeezing the soap to hard.
I work hard on being thankful for what I have. I give thanks often. I do all I can to stay focused on what I want/need to attract into my life. I don't know what has changed but something has, and it's deep inside me. There are specific things that I want in my life and I keep asking for them and doing what I feel is earning them. But I keep ending up with the exact opposite.
7 days a week I have asked to be left alone. Those are the days I am most crowded by my least favorite people. On the one day I ask for attention and comfort from anyone, that is the day of silence and seclusion. With regard to all areas of my life I feel like I am barking up the wrong trees.
I hate it so much when I hurt and can't even say exactly where I hurt. Another day where I am afraid to cry and let out what ever wants out, because I'm really afraid that I won't be able to stop the crying. Then again maybe I shouldn't.

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf. ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20957774/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20957774/ Sun, 12 Oct 2008 17:39:12 PDT
Due to the way I've been feeling, I have come to the conclusion that I need to sit down and figure out what I want to attract to my life at this point. So far I've attracted all the things that I wanted. Eventually I came to the end of that rope and got board. So now it's time to stop being board and start thinking and feeling for what I wish to happen next.
It has become apparent to me that we all really do create our own reality. So through out today I will meditate upon what it is that I really want. I might even write it down.
Dianne kept saying "continue adding to your treasure map." So I shall.

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf. ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20818129/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20818129/ Sat, 04 Oct 2008 00:46:28 PDT
I have to admit, lately I just haven't felt inspired in any way. Not artistically, not emotionally, not spiritually, physically, mentally or even financially. Some people call this "depression" other have called it "the blues." Tom Brown will speak of a disease called "hopelessness." I don't care what you call it, it is what I feel right now.
There are few things that motivate me to get out of bed each day. I feel that I am only focusing on the things that I don't want and have therefor attracted that/those things into my life. So once in a hole and surrounded by the unwanted, how does one begin to surround themselves with what they do want? How can I change my way of thinking and way of being?
I have found that the most painful experiences in life are the ones that I need to have in order to grow and further mature. Yet I spend much of my time avoiding these things. Like judo for example. I have a bunch of "ouchies" and bumps and what not. Master Song knows about these things because he experienced them too in his own training. He didn't get to be a Grand Master by sitting out a few classes. So what gives me the right to think that it's ok for me to?
Sometimes I get fed up with the people that go to judo just to fight. It's like there is no spiritual path or reason for them to train. Other than the wanting to beat on others and show off. I don't understand where their drive comes from? Nor will I ever. Then again perhaps I am thinking to much about this.
Stalking Wolf says that people work for four things: Peace, love, joy and purpose. I have Peace, I have much love. I am full of and find much joy in each day. Currently I am struggling to find purpose.

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf. ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20461835/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20461835/ Fri, 12 Sep 2008 20:19:22 PDT
"I was warmed by the sun, rocked by the winds and sheltered by the trees as other Indian babes. I was living peaceably when people began to speak bad of me. Now I can eat well, sleep well and be glad. I can go everywhere with a good feeling. The soldiers never explained to the government when an Indian was wronged, but reported the misdeeds of the Indians. We took an oath not to do any wrong to each other or to scheme against each other. I cannot think that we are useless or God would not have created us. There is one God looking down on us all. We are all the children of one God. The sun, the darkness, the winds are all listening to what we have to say. When a child, my mother taught me to kneel and pray to Usen for strength, health, wisdom and protection. Sometimes we prayed in silence, sometimes each one prayed aloud; sometimes an aged person prayed for all of us... and to Usen. I was born on the prairies where the wind blew free and there was nothing to break the light of the sun. I was born where there were no enclosures."

"Look at me I am poor and naked, but I am the chief of the nation. We do not want riches, but we want to train our children right. Riches will do us no good. We could not take them with us to the other world. We do not want riches. We want peace and love."
Chief Red Cloud - Sioux

The Words of Chief Joseph

We were taught to believe that the Great Spirit sees and hears everything, and that he never forgets, that hereafter he will give every man a spirit home according to his deserts; If he has been a good man, he will have a good home; if he has been a bad man, he will have a bad home. This I believe, and all my people believe the same.

If the white man wants to live in peace with the Indian...we can live in peace. There need be no trouble. Treat all men alike.... give them all the same law. Give them all an even chance to live and grow. You might as well expect the rivers to run backward as that any man who is born a free man should be contented when penned up and denied liberty to go where he pleases. We only ask an even chance to live as other men live. We ask to be recognized as men. Let me be a free man...free to travel... free to stop...free to work...free to choose my own teachers...free to follow the religion of my Fathers...free to think and talk and act for myself."

I believe much trouble and blood would be saved if we opened our hearts more. I will tell you in my way how the Indian sees things. The white man has more words to tell you how they look to him, but it does not require many words to speak the truth.

Chief Joseph died in 1904. The cause of death on the certificate was "A Broken Heart."

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf. ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20407477/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/20407477/ Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:57:03 PDT
Enough total solar energy shines on the earth during a 40-minute period of time to power the entire world economy for a year. We only need to harness a tiny portion of this sunshine to make a huge difference in the world: environmentally, politically and economically.

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf. ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/19885856/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/19885856/ Sun, 10 Aug 2008 20:20:11 PDT
you said (or rather texted) back "You're very welcome. I'm not a great anything, that's just how much i care about you. Home now, thank you."

So i was letting you know (since for some reason your blocked to being aware of it) that you are great. you offered your time and sincerity in caring for me; you are more than just a grandson stopping by/helping out your gram...you keep her living filled with a feeling of purpose; you have patience for your roommate; you are accepting of your best friend even though you struggle with lack to help himself; your dedication to the animal kingdom is above and beyond anyone i've ever known (it's a definition of compassion); you recognize the things you need/want to change to make yourself a better person and in return become a better person to those around you; you're a great trainer (who wanted to actually help his clients); and through your stories, are becoming a great tracker...you following yet ~

you're welcome.

]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/19608261/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/19608261/ Sat, 26 Jul 2008 14:21:53 PDT
Today I watched a small spider clean it's web. It was so amazing to watch the spider sit in the center of its web and pull on each strand of silk in all directions. Methodically testing each part of the web for an object that wasn't eatable. Then when it found something on the web, like a twig or small piece of debris it would crawl over to it and use all of it's legs and even it's mouth to hold and pull this thing free of the web. After wards it would simply drop it as if it were nothing. I have to admit, this was captivating for way more than a few minutes. Stalking Wolf says that "everyone and everything is my teacher." Today the lesson can be to check everything in your life and see if it's really needed. If not than perhaps it should be returned to the earth from which it came.

Be well! We can do this! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/19363451/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/19363451/ Sat, 12 Jul 2008 22:49:26 PDT
Continent-size toxic stew of plastic trash fouling swath of Pacific Ocean
Justin Berton, Chronicle Staff Writer

Friday, October 19, 2007


At the start of the Academy Award-winning movie "American Beauty," a character videotapes a plastic grocery bag as it drifts into the air, an event he casts as a symbol of life's unpredictable currents, and declares the romantic moment as a "most beautiful thing."

To the eyes of an oceanographer, the image is pure catastrophe.

In reality, the rogue bag would float into a sewer, follow the storm drain to the ocean, then make its way to the so-called Great Pacific Garbage Patch - a heap of debris floating in the Pacific that's twice the size of Texas, according to marine biologists.

The enormous stew of trash - which consists of 80 percent plastics and weighs some 3.5 million tons, say oceanographers - floats where few people ever travel, in a no-man's land between San Francisco and Hawaii.

Marcus Eriksen, director of research and education at the Algalita Marine Research Foundation in Long Beach, said his group has been monitoring the Garbage Patch for 10 years.

"With the winds blowing in and the currents in the gyre going circular, it's the perfect environment for trapping," Eriksen said. "There's nothing we can do about it now, except do no more harm."

The patch has been growing, along with ocean debris worldwide, tenfold every decade since the 1950s, said Chris Parry, public education program manager with the California Coastal Commission in San Francisco.

Ocean current patterns may keep the flotsam stashed in a part of the world few will ever see, but the majority of its content is generated onshore, according to a report from Greenpeace last year titled "Plastic Debris in the World's Oceans."

The report found that 80 percent of the oceans' litter originated on land. While ships drop the occasional load of shoes or hockey gloves into the waters (sometimes on purpose and illegally), the vast majority of sea garbage begins its journey as onshore trash.

That's what makes a potentially toxic swamp like the Garbage Patch entirely preventable, Parry said.

"At this point, cleaning it up isn't an option," Parry said. "It's just going to get bigger as our reliance on plastics continues. ... The long-term solution is to stop producing as much plastic products at home and change our consumption habits."

Parry said using canvas bags to cart groceries instead of using plastic bags is a good first step; buying foods that aren't wrapped in plastics is another.

After the San Francisco Board of Supervisors banned the use of plastic grocery bags earlier this year with the problem of ocean debris in mind, a slew of state bills were written to limit bag production, said Sarah Christie, a legislative director with the California Coastal Commission.

But many of the bills failed after meeting strong opposition from plastics industry lobbyists, she said.

Meanwhile, the stew in the ocean continues to grow.

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is particularly dangerous for birds and marine life, said Warner Chabot, vice president of the Ocean Conservancy, an environmental group.

Sea turtles mistake clear plastic bags for jellyfish. Birds swoop down and swallow indigestible shards of plastic. The petroleum-based plastics take decades to break down, and as long as they float on the ocean's surface, they can appear as feeding grounds.

"These animals die because the plastic eventually fills their stomachs," Chabot said. "It doesn't pass, and they literally starve to death."

The Greenpeace report found that at least 267 marine species had suffered from some kind of ingestion or entanglement with marine debris.

Chabot said if environmentalists wanted to remove the ocean dump site, it would take a massive international effort that would cost billions.

But that is unlikely, he added, because no one country is likely to step forward and claim the issue as its own responsibility.

Instead, cleaning up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is left to the landlubbers.

"What we can do is ban plastic fast food packaging," Chabot said, "or require the substitution of biodegradable materials, increase recycling programs and improve enforcement of litter laws.

"Otherwise, this ever-growing floating continent of trash will be with us for the foreseeable future."

How to help
You can help to limit the ever-growing patch of garbage floating in the Pacific Ocean. Here are some ways to help:

Limit your use of plastics when possible. Plastic doesn't easily degrade and can kill sea life.

Use a reusable bag when shopping. Throwaway bags can easi... ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/18739469/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/18739469/ Sun, 08 Jun 2008 22:31:34 PDT
Few people understand the energy that goes into something when you take time out of your day to build ore create or even nurture. An example here is the act of watering a garden. These plants well feed off of your watering and your energy during the watering process. If you hate watering these plants will feel that. If you love it they will feel that too! So what happens when we take our self out of the equation by building/installing an automatic drip system? Sure the plants live well off of the water alone but don't they thrive more so off of your own sense of appreciation while feeding these creatures? The are alive right, so why not?

"We're not talking the Sunday go to meetings type where you get on your knees fold you're hands together. We're talking Grandfather's type of prayer..... Skills to Grandfather watching him make a basket or a piece of pottery or an arrow head was a visible form of prayer and worship. Grandfather moved like a prayer, where each step blessed the earth and the earth blessed each step! Prayer is not words, it is ACTION the visible form of prayer!....Where each thing he did glorified The Creator!....Where every day they are living that prayer."
-Tom Brown Jr. "Conversations with Grandfather" Vol. 2 Disc 2, Track 13

be well! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/17644430/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/17644430/ Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:54:35 PDT
Quiting my job at 24 hour fitness was the best idea I've ever had!
I am very lucky and fortunate to be able to do what I am doing with regards to work right now. I get to build things with my hands, work in the fresh air all day under the warmth of the sun and plenty of exercise. I get paid very well and have made quite a bit of good cash! My employer is a decent human being and doesn't drive slaves to top this off he trusts me.
Each day I am lucky enough to be surrounded by all of the beautiful creatures in the yard. Today there were two humming birds doing their ritualistic mating dance. For the past two weeks I have seen lizards everywhere, both blue belly and alligator! Amazing to me. Earlier this week I was able to watch a Red Tailed hawk fly out of the tree and across the fields. It seemed to glide effortlessly through the air for what felt like forever, though I know it could have only been minutes.
The mice jump every time I visit the constantly shrinking wood pile. I wonder what I will discover when I go to collect the last board? Yesterday when I picked up a 18 footer I found a tiny little tree frog. About one inch long, a beautiful shade of deep green.
I am so thankful for this great opportunity to not only make lots of money, but also get some "dirt time" in while on the job! I kept asking myself how am I supposed to be able to get in more hours of dirt time and practice while at the gym all day? My prayers and requests have been answered! Not everyone gets to see the amazing things I see all day while working.
For this and so many other things I am thankful and so grateful.

be well! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/17165256/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/17165256/ Mon, 03 Mar 2008 13:48:21 PST
The only things I needed were my camel back and my tracker knife. I stepped out into the woods, took a few deep breaths and let my mind go blank. The last thought I remember was the voice of Tom Brown Jr. telling the standard class “let yourself slow down. Move so slowly that passing animals mistake you for a misshapen stump.”

With the exception of my white skin and blue tube from my camel back, I slowly transformed into the stump that Tom suggested. I moved slowly and intentionally, I stepped only where the leaves were flat and soft, preventing any noise from my walk. I listened for the normal sounds of the woods to return. After a few minutes I could feel myself begging to mesh with the flow of the forest. The birds began to sing a chirp happily again. I wind picked up and even the creek near by began to flow with vigor once again. Squirrels resumed their game of chaise in the tall redwood tree tops. I felt well meshed but not completely blended with the energy of the wild. I had no face paint and nothing to cover my blue tube with.

I went on anyway. I found the crusted feather of the bird eaten by the coyote that passed through the opening near the bottom of the hill, several days old now. I kept it, and placed it in my hair (it wouldn‘t get destroyed there). I moved further down the hill, eventually coming to the sacred space where I slept in my shelter on the worst of nights for this winters storms. I noticed how this place smelled of fire (my doing), and saw how the ground looked defiled (again my doing). I started to spread the leaves in an effort to return the forest floor back to the condition it was in before I spent the night there. I felt remorseful but also that it was a good lesson for me to see how I have impacted the forest even by being there for such a short time.

I stepped over the pit where I had my fire. The black ashes and coal were staring at me like a disappointed mother. I knelt down and put my hands in the charcoal to camouflage the smell of my human hands touching everything. I rubbed them together and the mix of mud, and coal turned my hands a beautiful shade of black. Think like grease paint I began to cover every inch of exposed skin on my arms. Then I thought why stop there. The animals would think it weird to have only a human head moving through the forest. Very puzzling indeed. So I dipped my hands back into the blackness on the ground. Grabbing a large wad of this think moist blackness, rolled it around in my palms and smeared it on my face, forehead, nose, ears, hair all the way down my neck and even coated my throat. I left no place uncovered.

I could feel the approval of the forest. I had made better the mistakes of my past and no longer meshed with but joined the forest in it’s artistic expression of colors and shapes. I must have been a scary thing to see. Too bad that nobody will see me! Ha ha! I moved slow and took notice of the many tracks around. Plucking a few clovers here and there, yummy and full of vitamin C. See in order to become a part of the forest you have to wear it on and in your body. Besides, charcoal is good for your skin and I could feel wonderful things being given to the largest organ my body has! Thank you great spirit for providing me with such wonderful things.

I followed the tracks of many animals. They lead me to a grove of redwoods. I felt that I had to say thanks before going there. I sat myself upon a large redwood stump out side the grove. I took many slow and deep breaths, allowed my eyes to blur and drop into wide angle/splatter vision as Tom had taught us. I could see all things that moved now. Each branch swaying in the ever so gentle breeze. The squirrel just out side of my auditory range, the curios chickadee in the branches above inspecting me with each head tilt. You know you have become close to nature when animals aren’t afraid of you and call out in your presence, as they run.

I lowered myself down from the stump and saw the tracks of the mountain lion. They took me up and over and around and under and every where I couldn’t believe. Through two large piles of sticks and debris. I eventually found the sign and dropping of squirrels and knew now that these were their homes, even so close to the ground. I wondered if anyone was home? I thought it rude to disassemble the miniature debris hut just to see a squirrel. I wouldn’t like anyone doing that to my home! I pass through making as little noise as possible and continued following the Lions tracks. They took me to places you would have to see as I can’t describe them in this journal. There are simply no words for that.

I am thankful for the knowledge I have been given by Tom, the inspiration of Stalking wolf and the Great Spirit for letting me see these things. Thank you.

be well! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/16949249/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/16949249/ Mon, 18 Feb 2008 16:17:43 PST
I don’t get it. Why is it so hard for people to see what they are standing neck deep in? Why is it that the only way to see what is wrong with us is to step way, way back from the pond? It is then and only then that we can we see how discolored, polluted and toxic the pond water is for us all. Then the new difficulty comes in trying to inform the others of the problem, and asking them to trust or believe you. This reminds me of the old Indian saying that “only when the last fish has died, when the last tree has fallen and the last drinking water has been polluted, only they will man learn that he can not eat money.”
The constant pressure from my parents to produce specific measurable results has grown to the point where I feel it in their breath. I can feel their pressure before they even show up in my day. The constant smart ass comments, “Hey Ken, Jim owes you $68.” and even the “Did you talk to that old boss of yours from the tire shop? Craig or Sam, to see if they are accepting tire guys?” of my other favorite “Well it’s a job?”
They don’t see what I am doing and I don’t bother telling them because I already know what they are thinking. I hate to judge them but this is true and I can feel it in my bones. If I tell them that I am waiting to take my polarity test and be certified, they will (my dad especially) inform me in a most unpleasant manner that I am still wasting time and that “you could be making money doing something else” in the mean time.
That is where the problem is. I don’t want to do something else. I have a path that I am on and doing anything else would distract me from it. Anything else would be wrong for me, that’s why I can’t/don’t even want to get out of bed to do any of those things. I will never go back to 24 hour fitness or the tire shop or the rock yard. Not after how I was treated by those people and employers! I wouldn’t bother to piss on them if they were dieing of thirst in the desert.
I may hate where I am at this point in my life but I am not willing to degrade myself any farther than I already have, just to make the parental units happy. My happiness is all that is important (at least that is what they have said when I was really young). So I will follow Eleanor Roosevelt’s advice, “Do what is in your heart, as others will criticize you anyway.”

be well!


]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/16480048/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/16480048/ Sat, 19 Jan 2008 19:25:18 PST I find that it's so rude that people these days think that they can just show up to their appointments when they want to. I am a person too ya know! I have plans for myself outside of work.
Ironically I am now no longer a personal trainer at 24 any more. Yesterday when I checked my messages there was about 20 in there. Any other day of my life that mail box has been empty. Not even the people that cancel wouldn't bother to call. Inconsiderate lazy fucks. What was really funny when I got home this afternoon, there were about 4 messages on my answering machine from clients that don't yet know that I've left the company. What doesn't strike me is that I don't give a shit about doing "the right thing" by calling them back to inform them that I'm not their trainer anymore.
Today I didn't get out of bed until about 2pm or maybe even latter. There was no rush as I seem to have all the time in the world these days.
Fuck it.

]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/15527479/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/15527479/ Thu, 15 Nov 2007 22:46:48 PST
I can honestly say that today was a good day. Not because of the fact that nothing bad happened, but rather because there was very little stress in my day today. I woke up to a kiss from Reeva, went and gathered things for breakfast. Ate and did some job/housing research on the internet. Sent off my box for ebay. Then I came home to an empty house and played some gentle music while I prepared a lunch and did some very productive and grounding things in the yard. I cleaned off the stump that I plan to meditate on. I did this in my flip-flops and felt the earth and dry leaves against my feet and ankles. It didn’t feel weird for once to have “dirty things” on my feet. The leaves and needles of the redwood trees make a beautiful blanket over the earth and it has never felt softer to me. I unintentionally got a whiff of the leaves and dirt as I raked and disturbed the pile of nature’s mulch on the stump. It smelled sweet and healthy. Not gross and fungusy like I remember when I was a small child.
Today was like an active meditation. Peaceful, happy, thoughtful, gentle, kind, and beautiful. I am thankful for today’s events as I am and should be for each day.
I went to work, trained a few clients and even made time work myself out prior to yoga. I did three sets of ball squats with my own body as weight after using the foam roller on my quads and IT bands. My quads felt the difference right away. Did some overhead presses and some ball tucks. It felt good to move my body before yoga. During yoga I found it easier to get into deeper positions and holding them wasn’t as tough. The possibilities felt endless today!
Something has changed and shifted inside me. My views of the world and my opinions of what IS! My thoughts of TRUTH, LOVE, HOPE, HATE and JUDGEMENT. These things I speak of are real and that is why Stalkingwolf spoke of them. I am beginning to start to think of the possibility of the notion of what he meant. I still have so much more to learn and develop and practice! I hope that I live a long life so that I am able to learn, practice, do and share all of these wonderful things!
Namaste

]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/15015045/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/15015045/ Thu, 11 Oct 2007 13:03:34 PDT
Every time I fight the arena seems to get smaller and smaller. I can't seem to focus and lean the timing of my opponent. A few things I have leaned about myself from Judo in the most recent weeks have been that I don't enjoy getting punched in the face, kicked in the legs repeatedly and in the exact same place. I really don't enjoy getting elbowed in the face or rug burn across my neck.
The past few nights I've been so demoralized at the end of the class that I actually cry. Either in the shower or once I get in bed. Sometimes the pain from judo isn't something that I can point to it just hurts all over inside.
I hate that feeling so much.
The absolute best part of Judo is explaining to the lady friend how I got the marks on my body each night I come home to her. When you have a burn/bruise on your neck that runs from your clavicle to your spinous process isn't a freaken hicky gosh darn it. Though I have to say I haven't had a problem of that sort in a long while.

]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/14917917/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/14917917/ Thu, 04 Oct 2007 19:09:57 PDT
I got home tonight and sat down. I began doing my regular things, typing in my journal, laundry, scanning. Something occurred to me I don't really actually belong here anymore. This house is not mine any more. This place is a place where I go to when I'm not at work, judo or spending time with my girlfriend. I feel alien in this house.
I do however enjoy the property that it is on. What I really need is space and time to myself. Which I don't have. The general consensus says "Move out" or "get your own place" and even "Oh just don't go home when they are home" Well all of this is easier said than done. I will have to decide what direction I want to go in, in order to change the things that aren't allowing me to be happy. I can no longer allow other to be responsible for my happiness and in return I can't allow others to depend on me for their happiness.
So what happens now is I either put and deal with it, move out as I have been told (it's long past time for that) or find something else that I can do with myself.?? Hmm?

]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/14864523/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/14864523/ Mon, 01 Oct 2007 00:54:38 PDT
I've got a really funny/creative idea for some new art work! I'm inspired and well see how it goes! So interesting how small events in your life can motivate you to produce some interesting art work! I have high aspirations for my next stuff!
We shall see how it goes! Wish me luck!



]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/14090063/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/14090063/ Thu, 09 Aug 2007 12:24:04 PDT
Global warming is a reality. It threatens both our society and life, as we know it on earth. The overwhelming consensus of the scientific community for the past decade has been that the planetary warming we are now experiencing, and the resulting climate change, is largely a human induced phenomenon. This is brought on mainly by the release of carbon dioxide through the burning of fossil fuels, which blankets our atmosphere raising the earth’s surface temperature.

Environmentally, we see dramatic signs of global warming in our polar regions. Yet, because these regions are remote and go unseen by most people, it’s easy to ignore the potent warnings. I have been to both poles; and I’ve seen catastrophic consequences of the climate change. I crossed both the Ward Hunt Ice Shelf in the Arctic and Larson A and B Ice Shelves on Antarctica. All of which, to the astonishment of scientists, abruptly collapsed into the sea in the last decade as a result of climate changes. I experienced firsthand the melting of the sea ice on the Arctic Ocean. The polar sea has lost one fourth of both its thickness and area in the last two decades. Its once reflective surface is now exposing the darker ocean surfaces; because darker surfaces absorb more energy than lighter ones, warmth is accelerated. The summer sea ice is predicted to virtually disappear during the second half of this century, dooming animals like the polar bear and walrus to probable extinction. In 1990, I testified before Congress about the danger of global warming thawing the northern permafrost releasing methane gas, a dangerous greenhouse gas, into the atmosphere. This process is now in motion. The record warm summers in the Arctic are advancing the thawing of the high elevations of the Greenland icecap. The loss of ice that we are now experiencing worldwide is the fingerprint of global warming.

Morally, we see very real impacts on the human race. The Inuit hunting culture depends on Arctic ice. The melting sea threatens to obliterate this culture. With melting, low lying island nations sink. Intense hurricanes and other global warming related disruptions bankrupt economies and threaten to end the march of civilization, as we know it.
The Arctic and the Antarctic regions have been my home for over 40 years. To survive in these lands, I have become intimately familiar with their vast lands, wildlife, and climates. The changes I see deeply affect me in a way neither a scientific study nor a satellite image could. Without action, life in the Arctic faces extinction. With action, we can address the root causes and limit the impact.

How can we act to avert the worst consequences? Throughout the next ten years, we must significantly reduce our emissions from today’s levels. By the year 2050, we must have cut those emissions by 60 to 80 percent.
Action begins with education. Global warming must be an essential topic in the K-12 educational agenda. This agenda begins with a sound educational curriculum based on best practices in educational research and pedagogy and continues with teacher education and professional development. Because we are dealing with an immediate threat, we must launch a public education campaign to engage everyone. Congregations, environmental groups, youth organizations, campuses, clubs of all kinds will play a pivotal role informing and engaging their members and moving them towards action. We must expect that our leaders in government, industry, congregations, and schools, are well informed about global warming and its consequences. To this end, we need to develop and offer an interactive forum-based program to those in leadership positions that would consist of a panel of authorities, such as scientists and other experts, who would discuss global warming and solutions at all levels of society.

Action continues by exploring diverse energy sources, continuing our search for increased fuel efficiency, and increasing our domestic production of transportation fuels.

Significantly increasing the use of domestic produced bio-fuels offers both immediate and potential long-term solutions to national security, economic competitiveness of the United States, and price and supply vulnerabilities for families and businesses. Domestically produced bio-fuels and energy also benefit the United States by creating jobs, keeping dollars in the country, and lowering the environmental impacts associated with fossil fuel production and use. We can reduce global warming pollution through: conservation, existing technologies that make power plants and factories more efficient, and cleaner technologies (e.g., hybrid automobiles, wind power, and solar power).

Global warming, an environment and moral issue is also a unifying issue. It affects all of us; therefore, the solution requires all of us. In... ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/12711977/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/12711977/ Tue, 24 Apr 2007 00:04:49 PDT
I wrote this on Wednesday of [link] My thoughts and feelings of what I was experiencing before I bivied up for the night.

I don't know yet just exactly what it means to live with the earth, but someday I hope too. I tell people that I have gone to a "survival school" for lack of a better word. I can't fully describe what this school is teaching me, at least not without showing a person. I have so much trouble telling people what we are really learning here because I can't find the words to describe it.

I have done some much in that last three days. I have witnessed so much information given that I am afraid that I will forget it all. In writing that last sentence, I realize that what we are doing isn't about remembering or forgetting anything. It's more about experiencing it and doing. By doing we/I become more comfortable with all of this information and using it. To use it means to be comfortable the way our ancestors were by living with the earth. This is Grandfathers vision. This experience is bigger than anything I have seen or done and even heard of.

Burningman was nothing compared to this. Just like Tom said, "School won't start here. It will start when you get home and practice."

So on that note how far do I want to take this? How fast do I want to learn this and use it? Where shall I go with this?! Hmm the possibilities seem endless. Maybe I will go to Alaska and disappear never to be heard from again. Perhaps I will go into the search and rescue profession. Who knows!

I don't know what I will tell people when I come home. I have so many ideas in my head right now. I want to camp on the beach and do these things and make a solar still and build fire and travel in the wilderness with only my water bottle and a knife. And hike and trap and build shelter and do many things that most people would ask me "Good god what's wrong with you?"

No one will understand these things. No one will fully understand these concepts. Most of all I am afraid that no one will believe me when I speak of these things.

Now I have a small idea as to how Tom has felt all his life.

That saddens me.

]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/12645151/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/12645151/ Wed, 18 Apr 2007 16:38:48 PDT
I drove in at about noon or so. Some hippie looking dude informed me to park my car in the field as closed to the next one as possible in order to make room for the other cars coming in. As I parked and got out of my car, and was approached by a small child. He asked me about my car. What kind of car was it and what year was it even where did I get it? So told him and he seemed mildly interested. The boy helped carry my camelback and camera bag to the luggage pile. He suggested that I carry my camera up to my camp site. The people that volunteered for the Tracker school would drive loads of students luggage up the hill to the camp site. It was quite a hike even for me with out my over loaded ruc sack.

I wandered over to a small gathering of people who seemed to be waiting for the truck with their camping gear. Eventually it showed up. I grabbed my gear strapped on my ruck and took off across the field. I found a quite and cool space inside this really beautiful groove of red woods. It was awesome to be surrounded by such beautiful giants. I pitched tent, and headed up toward the class room for registration. I made a nice cup of mint tea. Having registered with the school I wandered the area. I made it down to the creek bed and watch all the salamanders swim around. It was soothing, for I had no idea what was actually waiting for me. At this point I sit and wait for dinner at 6pm. Class would start at 7pm.

6 pm rolled around and the silence was broken with the call out. DINNER!!!!!! FIRST CALL!!!!!!!.

I grabbed my bowel spoon and fork. I had no clue what they were going to serve us for dinner. I just hoped it was good mainly because I hadn't eaten much all day. Sitting around drinking tea wasn't my idea of food. It was a nice heaping ladle full of hot stew. Great! Stew, I hate stew!

As I finished eating the lecture began. It started with the rules of the school.

-Don't track other students

-Don't fox walk other students

-If your knife isn't in your hand, than it's in your sheath

-Shower days

- Survival of the fittest means not what it suggests. It is survival of the smartest.

Then the knife handling lecture began.

I took good notes, and was sure to include as much detail from the lecture as I could into my notes. It was an intense lecture on knifes. It was called knifes 101. We went over everything there was to talk about them. Different points, tangs, different grinds for different applications, different steels, sharpness and even how to use them and hold them for different tasks.

At this point I suddenly found myself in a dream where I was being held, suspended if you will by a sea of human arms. It was so peaceful and gentle. Then I opened my eyes and found that I was laying on the floor of the tracker school and I was being supported by arms. All of the tracker staff had caught me as I passed out. I passed out because I hadn't eaten enough calories for the day. I am used to eating about 3000. That day we were given about 700. My body wasn't used to such a lack of fuel. Apparently I was out just long enough to fall over. Then I came too almost immediately. The class ended and I was moved to the back rooms in the kitchen where I spent a great deal answering medical questions.

The next day started at 6am with grains and bird seed for breakfast. We were informed not to go up the hill above the classroom because there was an intensive class going on up the hill from us and the students were not to be interrupted.

Than the lecture started with the basics of survival. The statement of "survival is the doorway to the earth" was made. We spoke of the sacred order

Shelter

Water

Fire

Food

You can survive the elements of earth for a maximum of 3 hours depending on the situation, so the importance of shelter is placed above all else. Humans can survive 4 days maximum with out water so it is next to shelter. We need food but with out fire we can't purify or eat it so fire is placed above food. We can survive without food for up to 4 weeks before we die.

We listened to the lecture on shelter making for different conditions. Taking rocks from your camp fire and burying them in the ground with 6-8 inches of dirt will heat your bed while you sleep at night. Of course you need to let the dirt stop steaming before you can lay in it, or you'll be in a steam bath all night. If that isn't an option using 2-2 ½ feet of debris and leaves will act as a good insulation. And it will keep you protected until about freezing temps. If it's colder than that use more debris. There was much depth on the subject as there was with all subjects discussed in the class.

Than came time to apply the skills. The cl... ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/12336436/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/12336436/ Mon, 26 Mar 2007 13:02:21 PDT
March Horoscope
Like it or not, change is coming this month

Forecast
&&
March starts out wobbly, with informative Mercury moving backwards (retrograde) to muddy the waters of communication. Extra care in handling details and dealing with messages is recommended until this speedy planet shifts into forward gear on March 7.

Expect the Unexpected

The Virgo Full Moon on March 3 is a high-frequency event, full of nervous energy and surprises galore. Emotions may explode over little things with electric Uranus conjunct the Sun and opposite the Moon. Things should be calmer when optimistic Jupiter and realistic Saturn bring good judgment around March 16, making the first in a long serious of stabilizing 120-degree trines with one another. This strategic alignment in the risk-taking fire signs of Sagittarius and Leo can reward bold actions that are planned with patience and executed with daring.

Sensual Territory

Vivacious Venus, the planet of romance and pleasure, enters her earthy home sign of Taurus on March 17. This adds sensuality to the atmosphere, increasing appreciation for material pleasures in all its forms. Taurus loves a bargain, but doesn't do well with cut-rate quality, so this starts a month-long period in which wise shoppers can be richly rewarded. Venus in Taurus may also foster stubborn attitudes about relationships. Conservative patterns are locked in that resist change or deep emotional inquiry. But change, whether we like it or not, is gonna come.
Digging Up the Depths

The New Moon in Pisces on March 18 is normally a sensitive, spiritual event engendering ideals and inspiration. However, this one is in a tense 90-degree square with dark Pluto, the mythological Lord of the Underworld. The emotional openness of Pisces may not be pouring forth peace and light, but instead revealing deep fears, secrets and desires. Power struggles are possible as bullies and victims pair up to share emotional damage with one another. Fortunately, there's another side to this story, one of redemption and resurrection. By descending to the depths of our feelings, we become aware of our greatest desires and can begin to let go of attitudes, habits and individuals that keep us from fulfilling them. Pluto is about learning to grow by letting go, which is the key to success now.

A New Start

The Sun's entry into Aries on March 20 marks the Spring Equinox -- the beginning of the astrological year. The fiery force of this sign encourages spontaneity, but Mars, Aries' ruling planet, opposes strict Saturn on March 22 and enforces a slowdown. The message is to maintain a steady pace, even though active Mars' connections with hopeful Jupiter and dreamy Neptune on March 23 and 25 are filled with an optimism that can make self-restraint more difficult.

=! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/12336346/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/12336346/ Mon, 26 Mar 2007 12:56:42 PDT
So I again rinse and repeat the same shit that happens every other day. Perhaps by being negative about it I am perpetuation the cycle. Hmm? I wonder? So far I have had Marina, Vince and Chelsea all cancel on me today. Can you believe that? Three freaking clients in a row. How is that possible? Some how deep down inside I feel like I am making this happen. I want more money and it’s not happening. I need to move out of my parents house and it’s not happening. My clients continue on a daily basis to cancel on me. I can’t allow them to keep doing this. Each one will get charged. Part of my job is to hold you accountable for your fitness. So if you’re not at the gym training with me than how can I effectively track your progress? I can’t. It’s that simple. Plus I get paid when you’re here. If you don’t show up it makes for a not so fun work environment. On the side note we all have moments where we don’t want to work, but this is just plain stupid.
Makes me feel as if it reflects on me how good a trainer I am. Sure I’m a great trainer with lots of experience but how is it possible for 60 percent of my clients in one week to cancel on me. Do I attract flaky people? Or do I allow people to be flaky? Am I some sort of bad trainer? Does it mean that I allow my clients to walk on me? With my level of education how is it that I can get my clients to see what it is that they need to be doing to get where they probably never thought they ever wood? Am I doing something wrong? Have I made some sort of mistake at being a trainer?
I’m going to go to the massage class this weekend and see for the first time what it’s like to massage someone in a professional atmosphere. Then and only then will I know if that is a direction I really want to go. Will it be profitable? I shall see.
Perhaps it will allow my client retention to increase! Maybe even help change my attitude towards this company that I work for. I’m worried that if I leave this place I will loose my 401K. I’ve started a good thing here by opening up that retirement account. But will I retain it should I leave? I need to know more about what I’m stepping into when I start something new.
Do I need to do the whole smash mouth thing “get myself away from this place?” Is that what I need, a huge change from the normal? I can have change with out moving to the other side of the planet, or country for that matter. I think that I am almost too old to be still living at home. Ha ha, and there I go again giving it meaning that because I still live with my parents that I won’t get hired on at the police department, and this beautiful girl that I like won’t go out with me. Lame. Just because detective Gutiaraze says “you’ve lived at home all your life and never paid rent.” That must mean that you have no life experience.
Now hold the hell up there buddy! I’ve been to many amazing places and experienced many different things in my short little life. I’ve been to hippie gatherings in the desert. I’ve trained under the expertise of Master Song for a few years now. I’ve been humbled, humiliated and embarrassed in more ways than I care to admit. I’ve have many girlfriends all of with were good learning experiences and chances for personal growth. I’ve traveled outside the united states to a minimal extent and actually seen some amazing things like Mexico City. I’ve worked at 24 hour fitness for just over six straight years. I’ve met, seen and trained some of the most diverse people and culturally involved people in the Santa Cruz mountains. I’ve learned how to communicate with some of the most easily angered people on the planet and smoothed over many “tense” situations on many occasions. I’ve learned how to be professional and mature. I’ve learned how to play and remain professional all at the same time. I think that is referred to as charisma. But you’re sitting on the other side of that desk telling me that I’ve got no life experience. Hey ass hole what I have aint much but it’s what I have and for me I don’t need more than what I already have and that’s it.
If that’s why you didn’t hire me than screw you hippy! I didn’t really want to be a Santa Cruz Sheriff any way.

=! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/11836314/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/11836314/ Thu, 15 Feb 2007 22:30:37 PST
I just don’t know how much more of you I can take. I can honestly say that there isn’t anyone else in my life that hurts or frustrates me more than you. There is nothing that I have experienced that is more pleasing, than coming home and you’re not here. You are one of the most close minded people I have ever met. I can’t believe that you raised me! I can’t believe that you treat me this way and don’t ever realize your doing it. You blame Jason for hating you, and you should blame your self. I think deep down inside you know this already and you know that its true. Jason hates you and so do I. It should bother you that I am wondering how you aren’t dead already from your life style and daily habits. Perhaps if you weren’t so lazy than maybe your back wouldn’t be so weak. Your back hurts because you are over weight.
I can recall showing you at least one time what kind of movements you can do for your wrists. But you choose not to do them because you are simply too lazy to move. This is also why you are so overweight. Perhaps if you’d bring in the groceries once and a while rather than have me drop what I am doing and do it for you, than you’d be a little bit healthier. I bothers me that you worry about Dad’s heart when I know for a fact that you haven’t seen a doctor in years! I’m sure that your laziness will be the reason for your death, and when you eventually do die I will say “I told you so, but you didn’t care.”
Doesn’t that bother you? Also does it bother you that you are one of the most unforgiving, cruel hearted people I have ever had the unpleasant experience of meeting! It should. I can’t believe that you choose to bring me into this world. No body has ever made me as resentful as you.
Some days I wish you would loose your voice just so I don’t have to listen to you complain and beg others to do things for you. I wonder how hard it is for you to physically move around.
I can’t wait to move out and live alone. It will be so nice!

=! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/11729144/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/11729144/ Wed, 07 Feb 2007 22:57:58 PST
See when you are young you don’t know any better than to listen to your parents. After all that is one of the first things they teach you. “Listen to me, I will teach you all you need to know.” From that day forward you listen, watch and learn from the parents. Thinking that they are always correct and everything they do and say is perfect. Somehow you are brainwashed, possibly subconsciously, that if you don’t turn out just like them somehow you have failed as their child.
The next step is school. Usually preschool, but sometimes kindergarten. Here they engrain in your head the things that are good and bad. Good things usually include, play time, nap time, story time, and show and tell. The day is usually started of by all the children gathered around the “teacher” with eagerness and a focused attention. “Ok everyone we’re going to start the day with the flag salute.” It is here where we lean patriotism before we even know what that word is or even means.
Then at some point you travel to your grandparents house. Now grandparents are interesting people. They are significantly older and know so much more than you. They have lived through times in this country when things were “really hard” meaning either the great depression or a world war. They have seen their family and friends and even their friends families die from just about everything, from war to the rarest diseases.
I can remember my grandma telling me about all the different races around the world. It was so amazing to hear all of these things. I thought of how well traveled she must be, with all of her knowledge of other countries. She must have been to every country and every continent! Wow how amazingly smart this woman is! It occurred to me that if I were going to learn anything from any one this woman, my grandma, was the person to be listening too. She taught me about how fat, lazy and dirty the Mexican people are. She told me of how ignorant the Chinese are and of how cruel the Japanese are. She taught me all about how the Japanese people hated Americans and even started a war with us in the 1940’s. She taught me about how mean the Germans can be and of how terrible their food is. She taught me of how dirty and stupid the American Indians are, especially since they hunted with things like bows and sticks. How they never wore real cloths and how they rarely ever bathed. She also told me how much American Indians liked to drink!
Grandma told me of how the Russians are bad and so is anything made in their country, and that they are not to be trusted. She taught me how greedy the Jewish people are (where ever they came from). And last I remember that she taught me of how black people’s hair is so different than ours. That black people are mean but only to other black people and that the staples in a black person’s diet are fried chicken or water melon.
I’m so damn glad that I have learned the truth about what my grandma taught me. I can’t believe that I used to look eagerly to this woman for knowledge. I have learned the exact opposite of what she has tried to implant in my head. That in fact she had never really ever been outside the country. Was raised in Kansas. Is what you call a depression baby. Something you have to understand about depression babies is that they are result of a thing called patriotism. Patriotism used to be a term from 1700s, usually in refference to those who were glad they had left Europe and started over in the new world. But now it means that you lean more toward thinking that this country is the best and only the best and that if you come from somewhere else than you’re stupid and should be sent back. That there are all ready too many people in this country and the “we” are going to be overrun by emigrants.
I can’t help to feel just a little bit of resentment for her trying to teach me these things. Raising me to believe the things that she did. Times have changed. Ironically grandma is an emigrant.
It’s funny how much other people try to get you to believe that they are right and your way of doing things will either fail because it is wrong or it is stupid because it is different than what they want. Funny how people always throw little smart ass remarks at you.
If there is one thing that I have learned in this life it’s that people will always be able to make smart ass comments or be overly critical of others. I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes you need not be critical of others because there will always be someone around willing to do that for you.

=! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/11716766/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/11716766/ Tue, 06 Feb 2007 23:01:56 PST
Is your head like a bee hive? Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Are you worried about your future constantly? Does it bother you that the company you work for is screwing you left and right? Are you depressed that you have to get up and to the same, exact thing tomorrow? Well it should depress you! Rinse and repeat isn't a cool way to live your life if you are conscious to the world.
So many things I want to do but so little time or money. And for some reason it seems like the more I try to leave this place and move forward in my life with the things I want to do, something stops me and holds me back. I don't make enough money to move out, buy food, pay rent/utilities, car insurance gasoline, medical bills, and still have enough money for dates and good times.
I feel so lame living with my parents. How am I supposed to show a person how mature I am if I have to get my mothers permission to have a cute girl over for dinner. And what if we want to have...desert. Where am I supposed to go for that, a hotel. I think not and face it we're too old for the whole high school make
out session in the back seat.
Why is rent so expensive? Or is it cheap and I'm just not making a lot?
So how do I make more money? Keep going to school? Keep working? Invest more? What sell drugs?? What the fu....
I didn't register for school this semester and I don't really care. I'm just worried that I won't for some lame Cabrillo College reason, I won't be able to apply for or pick up my AS degree. Cabrillo Sucks!!!
Is it me? Am I doing this to myself? Am I making my own life difficult?
Will I make money doing massage? Or will it be just another expensive hobby? What would happen if I moved out and started living off of my savings. I could do it so easily but it would only last so long. Hmm. I just can't see this happening the way I want. The hard part is making people understand what it is that I want. Mainly my parents. "Dad I want to open a IRA. I'm young and now is the time to start with that sort of thing." He responded with "Your not making enough to make consistent contributions. Don't waste your time." Gee thanks dad really helping me out there. Yup saving lots now. Cheers I'm going to live with you until I either kill my self or fall into a career. Let me ask you something people, when was the last time a career fell into your lap?
Screw this.

=! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/11182893/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/11182893/ Mon, 25 Dec 2006 02:14:01 PST
So I know that Christmas is supposed to be about giving or something along those lines but it's not like that for me. I'm sure there used to be some birth of Christ and giving mass sort of ritual that most people still believe in even to this day, but what about those who aren't brought up with a religious background? What are we supposed to do? I don't know who Christ is or even why I am supposed to believe in him and whatever it was that he did. So why should I be giving gifts to people? It's not that I don't like giving it's just that well what if can't find a gift for someone?
This year it was easy for me to find a gift for Dad, Gram and John. Hell I even found a gift for Lucas this year. My sister-in-law and my own brother and Mom, well not so much.
I feel like when I find something for someone that it is from the heart. But when I have to go search for a gift then it is no longer from the heart. Like the shit that I gave to my clients. Now I put some thought into those gifts. But when it came to my family I was like...???what do I get for them?
Sometimes I wonder if anyone would be hurt if I didn't give any gifts. In order to pull that off I think it would be only fair to not receive either. Hmm makes me wonder if I can pull that off. There really isn't anything that I want ever! So why should I expect to receive any gift. I don't mind giving things to people I just don't really need anything more than what I have already. The only thing I need is more time. Time to enjoy my books, meditate and shoot my bow. Maybe even boulder for a while.
There are so many times I wish I had a remote control that I could just hit the pause button on. Freezing all of human kind. The waters in the creek bed would still flow, the bugs would still fly, the animals would still do what they do best, the wind would still blow and so on. And I could to all the things I want with all the time in the world. Now that would be cool.

=! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/8551703/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/8551703/ Sat, 22 Apr 2006 14:10:14 PDT
Wow it's interesting how when I get down or depressed or even stressed a little bit how much I have to say in this journal. But what I am happy and upbeat I write very little. It amazes me for the past month or so each day has been better than the last one. So that means that each day you see me is the best day of my life! ha ha.

I love the feeling that nothing is or can go wrong. It's so peaceful and beautiful and amazing! My love for life has grown stonger and continues to do so each new week!!!

=! ]]> ~slvice14 http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/7967110/ http://slvice14.deviantart.com/journal/7967110/ Tue, 21 Feb 2006 22:31:19 PST
For every give there is a take. For each left behind there is another gain. For each thing lost there is something new found.

Each day you worry. Each night you deal with this worry. For each mist there is a chance for forgiveness. It is much like the elements of the world. Tough like the earth, raging like fire but at the same time flowing gently like water does and very dynamic like the wind.

Each time you show up you are scared and what do you do with this? Do you use it? Or do you let it hold you back? Do you take this fear and move with it and face it? Do you learn from this fear? No

You do it so beautifully well. You are very good at it for you have been practicing your whole life and you've done it in every area of your life. You hold back, just enough. That one little bit keeping you from greatness. What are you afraid of? You know what your afraid of and so do I. You are afraid to win and be great. Even in HS football you did the same thing. How do you feel about that now? And you're letting it happen again. NO you're making it happen again! AND YOU KNOW IT. You saw it tonight from your third eye. The "fine" part. You were doing "fine" Sarah taught you what fine means. You even know exactly when you were holding back. Just going through the motions. Do you think those people in the Olympics hold back? Do you think Master Song holds back? Does he hold back on you? Does he hold back his standards for just you or everyone?

So what makes you think that you can hold your self just below his standards?

Stop this? Let go of being bad. Embrace greatness for you have nothing, NOTHING, to lose!! You have gone so far many times over. Push yourself. Push yourself to places you have not yet gone. Let the fear happen and bring it with you so that you may show it what it is dealing with. Learn from it that there truly is nothing to fear. It is there where you need to grow. Hopefully in time you will. As in all things in life, practice makes perfect.
Grand Master Song did not get where he is by holding back!
Now go and be.

=! ]]> ~slvice14