http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:tears4everfalling&section=today deviantART RSS for by:tears4everfalling en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:55:32 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/23858055/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/23858055/ Mon, 23 Mar 2009 21:48:21 PDT Lame.
Very lame.
I feel kinda bad for saying that since my sister tried to make it fun, but as usual mother dearest had to ruin everything. Seriously. We, meaning me, my boyfriend and my sister reminded her almost everyday for a month and she still couldnt remember it was my birthday. It would be ok if she had short term memory or old timers or something but she doesnt. And then the night befor she made up some lie to cry about just so that people would turn all their attention to her again.
She blows the bill money to go drinking with her "friends" (which are only using her for free alcohol). She makes me and my sister late for work by staying out all night with guys she just met. She doesnt even buy grocieries anymore. Shes even letting a guy live in the upstairs apartment for free,(his bills are just added to ours.) but said I would have to pay 650 a month plus utilities to live up there.
I want out. Im so sick of living with a bunch of free-loaders. I have my own life to pay for, I shouldnt have to pay for three other people that make twice as much as I do. Im tired of cleaning up everybodys mess just because they're too lazy to do it themselves. Seriously, I wash the dishes and the very next day nearly every dish in the cabinets are dirty. I take out the trash befor I go to bed and the next morning its so full that they just leave the trash lay around the house. I buy grociers for a week and they eat it all in one night. If I dont take the dogs outside to do their business theyre left inside untill they have accidents on the floor. And I love my nephew to death but hes not my son. I shouldnt be taking care of him while his father lays around not even buying him food or diapers.
Im sorry to rant like this but I felt like I was about to explode. I do everything and they dont even show an ounce of graditude.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/23504311/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/23504311/ Tue, 03 Mar 2009 09:39:16 PST .. also I tend to get caught u in my thoughts and not pay attention to things around me quite often as well.

Mark which things you have done, then calculate your score by counting the number of questions you marked. This test is out of 100 questions which means that the number you get as your score is also your percentage. Tag 10 of your friends , and re-post as "I do stupid things __% of the time."

1. [] Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
2. [] Gotten your head stuck between the stair rails
3. [] Broken a chair by leaning back in it
4. [x] Had gum fall out of your mouth while you were talking
5. [x] Choked on your own spit while you were talking
6. [x] Had people tell you that you are blond when you're not, or had people tell you that your blond highlights are going to your head (I AM NOT BLONDE)
7. [x] Been caught staring at your crush by your crush
8. [x] Have looked for something for at least 5 min then realized it was in your hand
9. [x] Tried to push open a door that said pull
10. [x] Tried to pull open a door that said push

Running total: 7

11. [] Have actually believed someone when they said that they knew how to make a love-potion
12. [x] Have hit yourself in the process of trying to hit something else
13. [x] Have tripped and fallen UP the stairs
14. [] Have actually exploded marshmallows in the microwave
15. [] Have gotten gum stuck in your hair
16. [x] Had gum fall out of your mouth while trying to blow a bubble
17. [] Have had the juice from a mini tomato squirt out and hit somebody else when you bit into it
18. [x] Have had your drink come out your nose because you were laughing so hard
19. [] Have called one of your good friends by the wrong name
20. [x] Have skinned your toe because you were playing soccer or kickball with flip flops on or you were barefoot (I dont like to wear mah shoes)

Running total: 12

21. [x] Have put a sticker on your forehead, forgot it was there, and went out in public with it on
22. [] Have fallen out of a moving vehicle
23. [x] Have run into a closed door
25. [x] Searched for your cell phone while you were talking on it *
26. [] It has taken you longer than 5 min to get a joke
27. [] Have gotten your hair stuck in a blow dryer
28. [] Have gotten your hair stuck in a fan
29. [x] Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk
30. [] Said o'clock after saying how many min after the hour, example: 5:30 o'clock, or 6:15 o'clock
Running total: 16

31. [] After someone told you that there was gum on the ground, you stepped in it
32. [] Put on a white shirt even though you already knew it was raining outside
33. [x] Have ever walked up to a stranger because you thought they were someone else
34. [] Ever been kicked out of a grocery store/off their property
35. [x] Touched the stove, the curling iron, a hot pan, etc when its on, even though you knew it was hot
36. [] Taken off your clothes to change into something else then accidentally put the old clothes back on.
37. [x] Wondered why something wasn't working then realized it wasn't plugged in
38. [] Put the cereal in the fridge, or put the milk in the cupboard
39. [x] Walked into a pole
40. [] Wore two different earrings or shoes by accident/stolen someones shoes by accident

Running total: 20

41. [x] took a picture of someone's eye with the flash on
43. [x] Gotten a ring stuck on your finger because you put it on even though you knew it was too small
44. [] Walked out of the bathroom (stall) with toilet paper stuck to your shoe without realizing it
45. [x] Went to go do something/go get something, then when you got there, you forgot what it was that you were going to do
46. [x] Picked up someone else's drink and drank out of it by accident when your drink was right next to it
47. [x] Fallen out of your chair while trying to pick something up
48. [x] Have poked yourself in the eye
49. [] Have gotten in the shower with your socks still on
50. [] Melted your hairbrush while blow drying your hair *

Running total: 26

51. [x] Have done enough stupid things to make a test
52. [x] Have accidentally stabbed yourself with a pencil
53. [x] Have sung the wrong verse to a song without realizing it
54. [x] Have given an odd answer to a question because you didn't hear the question in the first place and didn't feel like asking what it was
55. [] Told someone you were the wrong age because you seriously forgot how old you were
56. [x] Looked into an overhead purposefully while it was on
57. [x] Got up early and got ready for school/work, then realized that you didn't have school/work... ]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/22488714/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/22488714/ Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:12:07 PST I had viral pharyngitis.
Fun right. not.
Thats why I havnt been on for a few days. I was tired. My throat was extremely sore and swollen.. it was nearly impossibly to swallow anything even liquids. I had an ear infection in both ears. Congested and bleeding sinuses. Thankfully those symptoms are almost gone but Im still throwing up and coughing really bad..
I should be better in a few days though.
So yeah, up untill yesterday everyone told me I had strep throat and said I was very contagious. WRONG. I was only contagious if kissing, sharing food or drink, eating off contaminated utensils, or other means of swapping saliva. But anyway, my mother wouldnt let my friends over. Not even my fiance. She said I was too sick but then she left me alone every afternoon to babysit my nephew.. real smart of her aint it? Im almost too sick to function and she expects me to take care of an almost two year old little boy that doesnt listen worth a damn. AND she expected him not to catch my virus. I swear shes a flippin genius.
Just thought Id fill you guys in a bit on how the last few days have been.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/22395649/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/22395649/ Sun, 04 Jan 2009 14:01:35 PST And I know what you're thinking, 'Oh great shes back on the drug wagon..'
You're wrong. Im not going through that again. I've cleaned up alot. I have not drank in months. And the only drugs Ive so much as touched is a little weed every now and then when I get really bad headaches(and thats only because asprin and stuff like excedrine makes me throw up).I havnt even cut myself lately.
I can finally say I've found a way out of my hole and Im doing everything I can to get out of it completely.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/22066597/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/22066597/ Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:35:14 PST Thanksgiving came and went and holy crap I just realized its almost christmas.
Im soo far behind in everything. I havnt writtin or drawn anyting due to lack of time.Nearly all I do is work and sometimes sleep anymore.Worst part is that I hardly have any money to show for it.the money I make at mcdonalds goes to pay the bills my mother has gotten herself so far behind on.and I dont get paid for helping the kids at the boys and girls club.So Im pretty much screwed when it comes to giving christmas gifts tis year.
On top of it all I missed my twins birthday last week.
I havnt even been to my counsiling. Ive missed an entire months worth of meetings...

I just wanna crawl in a hole and hide for a while...

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/21508316/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/21508316/ Sat, 15 Nov 2008 20:52:10 PST I was happy. Still am happy..ish...I say happy-ish because Im still thrilled about it.Couldnt be happier..but I've been severely bipolar since...well for like three weeks now..and I mean its the whole shebang.One minute Im laughin my ass off the next Im curled up on the floor ready to cry my friggin eyes out!Its driving me nuts!...then again imagine how crazy James must be by now.and he really is trying hard to deal with it but I know it must be wearing him out..He even spent the whole daywith me last week when I was sick as hell..Speaking of my sickness, I think I should see a doctor soon..My sickness isnt getting better.Its only getting worse. Ive had it for three weeks..

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/21271062/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/21271062/ Sat, 01 Nov 2008 19:03:57 PDT Now you dont!
And now Im back again!

sorry for the dissappearance.
I couldnot access DA for sometime due to my old piece of shit retarded computer.But I has a new computater now :3
So I ish back!I will get caughht up on stuff as soon as I can..

*quick update*
You know thoze zigzag scribbley lines little kids draw?..thats my life right now.Its one big mess.but no matter how you look at it,you find a positive and a negative.
Somehow me and James got back together and are on the track to our marriage and kids and stuff.(Hes even buying me a ring.)
Me and my mother are fighting though.I need another job.I miss you guys.Im reconnecting with friends that movd away..
Monday I have a REALLY important test...

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20733589/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20733589/ Sun, 28 Sep 2008 22:58:47 PDT
Also I got a new cell phone..so if you got a cell with texting,hit me up at 540-849-6700. :]

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20696579/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20696579/ Fri, 26 Sep 2008 23:12:31 PDT Wednesday and Thursday James came to see me at the Boys and Girls club(where I did my community service).I had his mom take me home last night so I didnt have to walk in the rain..and when we pulled into my driveway he just kind of stared at me..I asked if he was going to let me get out so I could go inside and he still just sat there staring at me..I got alittle annoyed and reached for the door handle as I started to crawl over him..then he grabbed my arm and said "Im sorry." I gave him that 'whatever' look.And then he looked almost like he was going to cry and said "I really am..Im sorry for everything I did to hurt you.." I didnt know what to say so I just sat back down..then he said "I love you..Im sorry it took me leaving to realize just how much I needed you..I really do love you.." I was almost crying because I didnt know if I should be happy or beating the hell out of him..so I said 'rove it.' and then he replied without hesitation "Marry me." I was too shocked to say anything...and he just kept staring at me...finally I was able to say 'Seriously?' and he was like "yes,seriously.I want to be yours forever.." ...I said yes...So now were back together and I feel better and...I actually didnt even feel much like drinking tonight...I think I had one maybe two drinks.. the only down side is that I work 1:30pm to 10pm tomarrow and then I have to work 8am to 4pm Sunday...not much time to spend with anyone this weekend..

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20610226/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20610226/ Sun, 21 Sep 2008 21:32:05 PDT "I love you.." she whispered nervously as she pressed her face against his chest.
"I love you too." he replied, closing his arms around her.
"Promise?"she stared up at him with sullen eyes.
"Forever." he gently kissed her lips.
*********
any one know whats wrong with this paragraph of the story?
-Ill tell you whats wrong.EVERYTHING HE SAID WAS A LIE.
and oh well imagine this: The whole fucking story is full of lies like that.Every god damn page of the fairytale was based on lies.
I hate him so fucking bad right now..and yet..It kills me to know hes not going to be on the other end of the line when I pick up the phone anymore...I threw the ring when she told me..and then I cried as I sat staring at my naked finger...but its clear as day that one line in this book is true: "YOU'RE JUST A FUCKING WHORE!" he screamed at her threw the phone..

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20451923/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20451923/ Fri, 12 Sep 2008 09:05:53 PDT
I just thought Id do a quick update since some people wanna know and I dont feel like trying to explain more than once..

I got back with James,put my life back o track,meaning I was getting cleaned up we were talking about getting married again and so on..
But he doesnt even want to talk to me so much as be around me anymore-no idea why- Ive tried to talk to him and tried to figure out whats going on but its not working..which caused me to cave in and give up my sobriety..again..
So Ive been drinking and cutting again and doing some drugs-not nearly as many as I used too- and trying to decide if Im leaving James or not but then the worst happened this morning when I started to sober up...I think Im p-...*ok this part..I dont have the nerve to just write on here right now cuz Im not sure yet but if you really wanna know just ask..*

but the great news is: My community service is playing with kids everyday,Im getting my job back AND my stepdad moved out!!!!!!!!

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20299990/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20299990/ Tue, 02 Sep 2008 23:06:32 PDT I know dealing with me is hard...I sure as hell dont make it easy..Its not that I try to be so...difficult to deal with...I just...theres so much going on..and I cant sort anything out right..and...Im sorry..I...Just thank you guys for always being there when I need you..I cant stress it enough how much I appreciate it..Thank you guys sooo much...

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20209496/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/20209496/ Thu, 28 Aug 2008 20:52:26 PDT
Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

ShareThis


Adjectives which describe your type
introverted, theoretical, emotional, spontaneous, idealistic, dreamy, effusive, pleasant, reserved, friendly, passionate, loyal, perfectionist, helpful, creative, composed, curious, obstinate, with integrity, willing to make sacrifices, romantic, cautious, shy, peace-loving, vulnerable, sensitive, communicative, imaginative


These subjects could interest youl
iterature, philosophy, psychology, music, art (museums), writing, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, handicrafts, writing, voluntary work


Id say its fairly true...

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/19219780/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/19219780/ Sat, 05 Jul 2008 13:43:45 PDT Sincerist appologies for making you guys worry.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/17015603/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/17015603/ Fri, 22 Feb 2008 19:50:34 PST BunnySpork.

I stole the idea cuz it was a really good idea.
I wanted to get my old journal off the page but I'm not in the mood to write a new one.So old journal be gone!

Thanks Bunnyspork!

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16901434/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16901434/ Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:56:05 PST
Sunday I found out I was three weeks pregnant.At first I was terrified.Because I knew my parents would kill me.But then I was so happy.All I want out of my life is to have children.And my boyfriend,even though he claimed he wasn't ready for kids was really supportive and secretely I think he wanted it just as much as I did.I don't think I'd ever been happier...

..But Wednesday night my step dad started screaming at me..I tried to sit there and take it.But he started threatening me again.Not fighting back goes against everything in me.I couldn't take it anymore.He hit me and I swung back.Then he decided to grab me by the throat and throw me into the end table by the couch.I knew right then that something bad happened.I could feel the blood running down my legs.Then I snapped.It was kind of a blurr from there.I know I attacked my step dad.Apperently I threw a lamp at him and everything.He locked me out on my backporch.I layed on the floor crying.

Mike said it would be ok.That we would have another one when we're alittle older...but it still hurt me pretty deep..If I had restrained myself from fighting I wouldn't have lost my baby...

This was the worst Valentine's day ever.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16791014/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16791014/ Fri, 08 Feb 2008 19:54:04 PST
THIS HOW IT BE.
1. Open your music player thing
2. Put it on shuffle
3. And start it up
4. Then write the song playing for each question
5. For every new question -> press next
6. DON'T LIE. HO.
________________________
1.Opening credits:
Personal Jesus-Marilyn Manson

2.Awakening:
The day I tried to live-SoundGarden

3.Childhood:
Let Go-Fuel

4.First Day of School:
Riot-Three Days Grace

5.Made First Friend:
Vampires will never hurt you-My Chemical Romance

6.Fight-Song:
Bodies-Drowning Pool

7.Life is Great:
B.Y.O.B-System Of A Down

8.Mental Breakdown:
Nobody's Listening-Linkin Park

9.First female Love:
Next Contestant-NickleBack

10.First male Love:
Better Than Me-Hinder

11.Car Ride:
The Way-Fastball

12.First Family Death:
Whitey For Sings the blues-Everlast

13.Drop out of school:
Another Brick in the Wall-Pink Floyd

14.First Job:
I get it-Chevelle

15.First Concert:
Jeremy-Pearl Jam

16.Review:
Wrong Way-Sublime

17.Get Together With Your Big Love:
Beautiful Oblivion-Eve 6

18.Marriage:
Crashed-Daughtry

19.Sex scene:
Sex and Candy-Marcy Playground

20.Birth of your First Child:
Don't Take the Girl-Tim McGraw

21.Old age:
Time Of Your Life-GreenDay

22.Suicide:
Pain-Three Days Grace

23.Funeral:
Shadow of the Day-Linkin Park

23.2(Old age death):
The Persuit-Evans Blue

23.3(Suicide death):
Last Resort-Papa Roach

End Credits:
(s)AINT-Marilyn Manson


....Akward.I think my i-pod can read my mind or something o_O

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16553614/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16553614/ Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:37:35 PST But I was givin a temporary cure last night.See,January 7 through the 11 while my dad was here all I wanted was for him to go back home because I felt so uncomfortable around him.And all last week and the week befor he tried to call but I wouldn't answer because I'm a cowardice bitch.And I told my friends of how I wish he'd just dissappear from my life again... Well,around 5:30 last night my brother texted me and said I needed to be ready to walk out the door in ten minutes.So ten minutes later he picked me up and informed me that my dad was in the hospital.My grandmother had called my brother because she found my dad laying on the kitchen floor.So we were speeding to Pennsylvania.When we got there we found out my dad had a bad heart attack.And while we were in the room with him his heart stopped.They finally got it started but it stopped again.I was freakin out because they kept trying to make me leave the E.R. They finally had to get the security to restrain me outside the room.After his heart stopped four times they finally got him stable.3am we decided to come back to Virginia.The whople drive there and back the spedometer rarely dropped under 80.
I had my head against the window,watching the stars when I heard my brother scream 'OH FUCK!!!'and then the car jerked and blood sprayed up over the windshield..it all seemed to move in silent slow motion.. then suddenly I heard the glass shattering and things went black..I woke up to my brother screaming my name but I couldn't respond.I culdn't feel anything.Other than my brother the only thing I could hear was this soft melody playing in my head..
And then the music stopped.
And I then the pain hit.My head hurt so bad and my nose was bleeding everywhere.The passenger door was stuck shut.My brother was trying to pull me out through the drivers side.There was blood all over the ground and the car was crushed against a tree,the front end smashed in.
We hit a deer and my brother lost control of the car and hit a tree.Jesus Christ I don't think I've ever been so scared.All I wanted to do was call someone. Anyone.We got back home around 6:30am and the idiot I am,I immediatly changed and headed to my bus stop.I went to school even though I felt like I was dying.I passed out in both second and third block but other than that I guess I was fine...
So...yeah...this got pretty long so I'll stop there..

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16507972/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16507972/ Mon, 21 Jan 2008 15:13:09 PST [x] I think I'm ugly.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[xselfmade] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/I've had braces.
[supposed to] I wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[xagain selfmade] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I've got one scar.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[xbut forced back in] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[X] I want to have kids someday.
[possibly on its way] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.
[x] I Have a spoiled sibling.

School/Work
[x] I'm in school.
[ ] I’m in college
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[NEVER!] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[x] I've stolen something from my job.
[ ] I've been fired.
[ ] Do home schooling.

Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation, And pronounced it "lawl", not "El-oh-el".
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[ ] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something intentionally.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public.
[x] I've fell down on my face.

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches/staples.
[x] I've broken a bone. (fractured XD)
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office/emergency room with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[ ] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[ ] I've been out of my home country.
[ ] I've Been in Thailand
[ ] I've been in Philippines

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas by accident.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing
[ ] I've been in a play.
[xmy friends] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[x] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[X I LOVE IT!!!] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[used to be] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
[x] Kissed a girl/guy

Sexuality
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x all the time] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I'v... ]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16333756/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16333756/ Wed, 09 Jan 2008 17:37:22 PST
But thats not really the whole story.He hardly talks to me anymore and when he does it's only to interogate me about these guuys he knows that are trying to date me.He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore and everyone thinks he's cheating on me again since I don't get to see him very often..
I wish I would've listened to people when they told me not to get serious yet..
Instead I got engaged and ended up cheating on him.At first I didn't mean to..well I can't say that because obviously if it happened then I meant for it to happen..but yeah,it just sorta happened.This guy he basically showed up out of nowhere and completely intoxicated me with just a touch...and its kind of progressed since then.I thought I laughed alot with James,but I actually cried the other day from laughing so hard.And he's already trying to help me control my addictions.Kinda like Kiog he says I can still have my pot and my alcohol but I can't do other drugs very often and I can't be trashed all the time.And he has a hu-nevermind.But most of all,he's there for me and he listens to me and he talks to me.And somehow he figured out something that I have never told anybody.I mean nobody,not even my closest friends know..but he confronted me with it a few days after things started..
But um yeah...thats the secret.. Now I just gotta tell James...I'm kind of scared though..I don't want him and his family to hate me.I love those people like my own family..

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16260206/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/16260206/ Fri, 04 Jan 2008 18:51:08 PST I saw a therapist.He told me I should stop cutting.He said I should use a rubber band instead.He said that any time I get the urge I should just snap a rubber band on my wrist untill the urge goes away.I got caught with alcohol in school today.By my math teacher.I panicked so bad.I wanted to cut so bad.So I used the rubber band.For twenty minutes I sat in my desk terrified that the cops would be coming in to get me.For twenty minutes I pulled the rubber band out as far as I could and let it snap against my skin.Now I've got a bruise covering the entire inside and partial sides of my wrist.It's a deep purple-ish blood color.But it felt nice.I was shaking.Nervously I continued to drink the alcohol.Jumping everytime the phone rang or someone approached the door.Time slowly ticked by slowly approaching the bell...and then he informed me that he didn't tell the office.I was relieved and pissed all at the same time..
I also got caught skipping and writing fake notes.Unfortunetly my new friend also got in trouble considering he left the school with me-he had the car.I tried to take all the blame since it was my fault.I convinced him to skip with me.I convinced him to give them the note I wrote and forge our parents signatures on.It was all my fault and I didn't want him to think I was just trying to get him in trouble.
I've got a secret.It should be told.It needs to be told.But I can't.It would destroy my entire life.My fairytale would end with an unhappily ever after.
Why do I have to fuck up so much?
But maybe my fairytale is already ending.James hardly talks to me anymore.If he does it's usually just to find out what I'm doing and that kind of thing.He rarely even tells me he loves me anymore... So maybe what I've done/doing isn't that bad... The few that know say it's not.they say its what i should do..I just don't know..

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15988532/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15988532/ Tue, 18 Dec 2007 15:13:47 PST
Who do you run to when there's no one left on your side?

What do you do when suicide's the only thing on your mind and there's no one around to stop you?


It's over.I let the mask fall off.And now all I wanna do is perform the last act and close the curtains.My masquerade is over and everybody knows...

I can't do it anymore.I can't keep it all hidden any longer.I proved that today...


I completely crashed today during my third block.I just feel like everything's coming undone.It's just that... I just can't hold it together anymore.. I feel like I've got nothing left.I have nobody. I have come to realize that I mean nothing to pretty much all my friends.I'm probably gonna lose James.And it took a complete stranger to make the truth sink in...I tried all day to keep it all to myself but third block came and Megan asked what was wrong and I couldn't even answer her.I tried but as soon as I attempted to speak I started crying and i couldn't stop.And then the coach made me go to guidance.He wouldn't even listen to everything that caused this breakdown.The only thing he listened to was the part about me being pissed off at my friends and now I have to do this stupid little class thing with him everyday for a while.Between today and tomarrow I've gotta do this stupid friend evaluation thing where I'm supposed to think about the characteristics that i think make a goood friend and then compare it to the friends I have...So far its only made me feel worse.

I can't stop crying and I'm filled with so many suicidal thoughts.Fourth block all I did was make a list of ways to kill myself.I had two categories- Messy ways and non messy ways.I'm debating if I should show that and my bloody notebook to my counsilor..

I have this feeling like something really bad is gonna happen..

Everyone keeps telling me it will get better but only if I let it.

But what am I supposed to do?

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15809378/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15809378/ Wed, 05 Dec 2007 15:21:46 PST
So yesterday I went to court.It was a waste of time though.It was just to hire a lawyer and to tell me that I need to come back for the actual hearing on January 7. They were nice enough to tell me some of the things that might happen. 1)I may get let off with a warning and probation(high chance that it won't happen) 2)The minimum,I'll get is assault charges and 6-12 months probation. 3)the maximum,I'll get 3-9 months in jail and probation for 6-12 months after. And if I have any physical contact with her between now and court or during my probation,its guaranteed jail time..
In a way,I'm hoping for that maximum charge...I think maybe jail would be good for me.Not for the people around me,but very good for me.

Yep,definetly failing most my classes.
First block-world history ll honors 66.2 F
Second block-Algebra ll/trig. 11.4 F
Third block-gym/driver's ed. D
Fourth block-Drawing (she hasn't told me yet)

I broke down and told James evrything.All the stuff that I've been hiding and lying about to everyone.I wrote him like seven notes that havnt even left my notebook yet and never will.But he sent me an email yesterday and I just ended up typing it all down.And I clicked the send button befor I had the chance to erase it.Although I'm not sure he actually read it all.I gave him like three paragraphs and all he gave me was <'That's harsh.But u kno I'm here for u! U kno that!'>

I've written alot lately.But most of it's just fragments of stories or poems. Nothing complete.I just can't concentrate on one thing for very long anymore..I think maybe the school's catching on to the secrets in my drawings and my writings.I was summoned to the guidance office but I didn't go.I just skipped it and my third block.But it's alright,ya know,It doesn't matter.I mean,who really cares if they find out,right? It's my life and I'll do what ever I want to it.

I'm scared...Like not as in monster under the bed scared but like really scared...

But um...yeah...If I write any comments or such that sound like I'm being a bitch or something to that extent,Just ignore me and I'll apologize now for just incase I have or do...

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15737338/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15737338/ Fri, 30 Nov 2007 16:05:23 PST I know you all cried your eyes out begging for me to return!(Joking of course)
So..uh..yeah.I had like ALOT of messages and deviations in mah mail box thingy....so if it takes me a while to comment or reply or fave,know that I am sorry and that I will do so as soon as I can.

....I got my court summons.I gotta be there at 8:30am on December 4. It's almost garaunteed(I think I spelled that wrong) that I will be getting assault and battery charges.Hooray!*sarcasm* It's fine though.I don't really give a fuck what charges they give me,I did what I needed to do.

I have become the queen.
I practically own my school.I have replaced miss bitch,dethroned her completely.A court of freshman to be my army.Juniors to do my work.Seniors to be my all access cards.And the sophomores to give a nice competition.And then there are my dogs.Boys of all four grades,specially selected to search all grounds,in school and out.Boys trained to find and bring what I need.Oh we can't forget my little concubines.Littles whores searching desperately for attention,who practically throw themselves at my feet..Yeah I became a total bitch -but an amazingly cool one-,decided to say fuck school and not even bother trying,and started showing my true colors but who really gives a fuck when it gets you domination?

Too bad thats the only thing going good in life.But its alright.It doesn't matter.

SWEET! Peter Pan is on!!!!

Ok so,the other day I thought this guy was tryin to rip me off when he told me his "trees" were $600 a half.*half ounce of marijauna* I was real unsure cuz I dont have that kinda money..but he gave me a sample bag -wow,what a nice stranger- enough for a bowl.And damn was I wrong.the little bud was like a little rock,soaked in liquid cocaine,dried and sprinkled with powdered cocaine,straight out of columbia...two hits kicked my ass.Like I was trashed after that one little bowl.And now I gotta come up with $300 so I can get a quarter... I'm not quite sure why I told you that...

If you cut your thigh while trying to walk,you'll get a nice little curvy scar...but it will hurt like a bitch if it get infected..

I tore walls down with a hammer today.And put a nice little gash in my shin while doing so...

Okay I am trying to fill you guys in without telling what I've been keeping from everyone but there isn't much else...so...
How is everybody?
Holiday events (thanksgivings and the upcoming christmas)?
Anything?

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15406811/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15406811/ Wed, 07 Nov 2007 13:46:30 PST
Good news is that I've got my writing inspiration/motivation/whatever its called back.But now I can't shut off my mind.It just keeps running,generating new thoughts twice as fast as I can write it down all day and all night.SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD.Its driving me crazy.I'm getting into memories that I thought were buried in the unreachable depths of my mind and I can't take it.
Its like,last night was the only time that I was free of nearly any thoughts.Last night as layed beneath the stars staring into the vast emptiness everything seemed to just stand still...it was calming.The only noise was the wind blowing through the trees..I just layed out ther in the grass untill the star splattered sky was slowly painted with pinks and oranges by the sun.And then I hurried into my room befor my parents found out and got all pissy..

I've got that little voice in my head and everybody else,telling me to slow down.To take my life out of the fast lane and chill out on the narcotics and alcohols...But I can't do it.I've gotta keep things alive.I've gotta try it all befor the party's over..I wanna be able to look at my children say that I did that and that I know what it does when they start trying drugs and alcohol and cutting..I wanna know what I can trust letting them try when I take them to parties so that hopefully,after I'm dead,they won't make my same mistakes..

WHY WONT IT STOP BLEEDING?!
It just keeps bleeding.I've tried to stop it.But I failed.I succeeded in the fact that it doesn't always run the whole way out and down my lip,no,most of the time it starts to dry befor it is visible leaving me to feel like I'm drowning because it blocks my breathing and yet I can feel it trying to push backwards into my throat.This nurse I know says that the hemorrage in my nasal passage is practically permanant.And we have no idea where exactly the bleeding starts since I can't go to the doctors office and she can't bring home the tools she'd need to find it..

I'm falling to peices all over again.And I don't know what to do..

Oops.I let the mask slip alittle too far.Oh well..I'll just put it back on and go on like nothing was ever said.
Just a little laugh and it'll all be alright..

Lastly,I wanna scream at everyone who reads this...'TELL ME WHEN YOUR BIRTHDAY IS BEFOR IT GETS HERE SO I DONT FEEL LIKE A TOTAL JERK FOR MISSING IT!!!'

That is all.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15331374/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15331374/ Fri, 02 Nov 2007 13:10:35 PDT 1.)Have atleast one child.
2.)Possibly get married..
3.)Maybe get my life cleaned up abit..

Three Names You Go By:
1.)Jen
2.)cupcake
3.)Whatever else somebody calls me.

Three Screen Names You Have Had:
1.)FRaNKthePSYCHO
2.)Tears4everfalling
3.)worthlessforeternity

Three Physical Things You Like About Yourself:
1.)My eyes
2.)My lips
3.)My hands.

Three Parts Of Your Heritage:
1.)German
2.)..German
3.)I think thats it.

Three Things That Scare You:
1.) Water.Like lots of it.(ex.oceans,pools)
2.) Being ALONE.
3.) James.

Three Of Your Everyday Essentials:
1.) drugs and or alcohol.
2.) talking to James
3.) seein "my" little girls

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1.) Boots
2.) black jeans
3.) Marilyn Manson 'mOBSCENE' t-shirt

Three Of Your Favorite Bands/Musical Artists:
1.) Marilyn Manson
2.) Alice in Chains
3.) Alot of other bands like Aerosmith,Queen,Disturbed,White Stripes,KoRn,P!ATD.....

Three Of Your Favorite Songs:
1.) Ugly~The Exies
2.) Tainted Love~Marilyn Manson
3.) Falling Away From Me~KoRn

Three Things You Want In A Relationship:
1.) Love
2.) Honesty/trust
3.) Fun

Two Truths And A Lie (in no particular order):
1.) I'm a virgin
2.) I'm in love
3.) James is the one person that can keep me controlled

Three Physical Things About The Preferred Sex That Appeal To You:
1.) eyes
2.) ass
3.) peircings

Three Of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1.) Sex
2.) Drawing
3.) Writing

Three Things You Want To Do Really Badly Right Now:
1.) Call James
2.) Tell him we are going to have kids.
3.) Play with "my" little girls.

Three Careers You're Considering/You've Considered:
1.) Murderer
2.) continueing to work at McDonalds
3.) drug dealer.

Three Places You Want To Go On Vacation:
1.) Germany
2.) Russia
3.) Amsterdam

Three Kid's Names You Like:
1.) Shannon (boy or girl)
2.) Ashley (boy or girl)
3.) Aelwyn (boy)

Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically A Girl:
1.) I say like alot
2.) I love cooking.Specifically baking
3.) I refuse to go anywhere without eyeliner

Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically A Boy:
1.) I like girls
2.) I'm pretty violent.(me and the guys wrestle/fight in the rain and mud for fun)
3.) I wish I had a penis

I now tag:
Another tag for you!
Happy tag time!
Tagged again!

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15284207/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15284207/ Tue, 30 Oct 2007 08:40:27 PDT I am curently waiting on the letter from the school magistrate(sp?) that will allow me to attend the the meeting that will tell me either:
A)I am allowed back into my highschool when the ten days are up.
B)I am allowed back into my highschool after an extended suspension.
C)I am going to be sent to the school called Genisis.
Or D)I am going to be expelled.
Yup.And If/when I do return to my highschool,If I get in another fight I'm definetly goin to Genisis or getting expelled.
All because I've got a bad attitude.Friday...wait let me explain from the beginning....Weeks ago,this bitch(brianna) started trying to turn my friends completely against me.When she noticed that wasn't working she started talkin shit on me.Still I let it go.But last Thursday she decides to sit at MY lunchtable and fuck with MY friends.(ex.throwing cookies and fries at Dylan and Kyrstin.)I woulda let it go but my friends kept complainin to me about it and she almost hit me with stuff.(I am already stressed because I was tired as fuck,I had two exams that I knew I was gonna fail,my head was killin me and I was comin of a high)I got up walked to the seat in front of/on the otherside of the table and told her to quit throwin shit.So then she wants to try to tell me that she could kick my ass right there.So I was like 'just fuckin do it.I'll take your fuckin ass right now.Hell I'll come over this fuckin table.'(I'm already half way over the table..)She gets scared and says she can't cuz she doesnt want to go to Juvy.She gets up to leave and I return to my seat.As she's walking by she calls me a pussy ass bitch and runs to her friends to hide.So in the hallway I grab her and tell her to just wait till after school,I'd show her just how much of a bitch I am.She calls her dad and leaves school early.So now,Friday morning,me,Dylan and Crystal search the school.She was in the cafeteria.So I walked up asked her why she ran afterschool.She said she got sick.Crystal laughed at her and said she ran cuz she was scared.Well,she wouldnt physically fight me.She kept screamin and cussin at me but she wouldnt hit me.So I said fuck it.I kicked her in the side.Grabbed her by the throat when she tried to get her friends and then I gave her a nice hard bitchslap.Everybody was laughin at her when we were walkin to the office.Yeah the principle stopped me from doin anything else.Yep.
I'm lookin at assault charges with a minimum of a five hundred dollar fine.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15130436/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15130436/ Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:37:51 PDT Jenny R.(I hate my middle name) Strausbaugh

2) Male/Female?
Female
But I wish I was a guy

3) Were you named after anyone?
a fucking bird.


4) Does your name mean anything?
Dont think so.

5) Nickname(s)?
Jen.Jen-Jen.Cupcake.Psycho.Bitch.

6) What do you think you look like?
an outcast.

7) Date of birth?
3/20/92

8) Place of birth and current location?
Harrisburg,PA now I live in a shit-hole town called Staunton in VA

9) Nationality?
German

10) Astrology sign?
Pisces

11)Chinese astrology sign?
monkey...so lame.

12) Religion?
Mansonism.
yep.my own religion.

13) What's your favorite smell?
Rain.
Sex.
Marijauna.
or the smell a guy has close to the end of the day when he's wearin Touch by Axe..you know,that scent of Axe mixed with just a faint hint of sweat..I know it sounds kinda gross.

14) Political Position?
Nuke everyone.

15) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Bourbon with a bit of Coke.

16) Hair + eye color?
Dark brown hair
Greenish brown eyes.

17) Do you look like anyone famous?
not that I know of.

18) What do you look like?
a Phailure

19) Any unusual talents?
Haha....yeah..I'd rather not talk about them.

20) Righty, lefty, or ambidextrous?
right

21) Gay, straight, bi, or other?
Bisexual

22) What do you do for a living?
I work at McDonalds.

23) What do you do for fun?
Read, write, draw, cook, cut, do drugs, drink, burn stuff...and some other "stuff"

24) What are your favorite art materials to work with?
Pens and pencil.
and clay.

25) What kind of materials would you like to work with?
Cameras(photagraphy class next semester!)

26) Have you met your grandparents?
yeah.
They hate me.

27) Boyfriend/Girlfriend?
Boyfriend,James.

28) Crush?
other than James I don't think there is one...

29) What celebrity would you date if you could?
I don't think I'd wanna date any.
But it would be nice to go home with Marilyn Manson a few nights a week.

30) Current worries?
Yeah,I dont feel like crying so I'm not gonna say 'em.

31) Favorite online guy/girl(s)?
ooooh thats a hard one.
Let's see theres..
AfiniumPunk because shes like totally awsome.
Jasonchan because...well he totally awsome.
lilxbloodxangel because...um she's totally awsome.
Yep these people^^^^^are the coolest.Funnest and totally pwn the drawing world.

32) Favorite place to be?
anywhere with James
or here with my kickass DA friends.

33) Least favorite place to be?
at home.
anywhere near my family.

34) Do you burn or tan?
Burn.
Badly.
It hurts.

35) Ever break a bone?
in my hand.Cuz I got mad....two years ago I think,and I puncheda concrete wall untill I wasn't pissed anymore.I couldn't feel my hand for nearly a week.

36) What is your favorite cereal?
Fruity Pebbles.
Or Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries!

37) Person you cry with?
I have noone to cry with.My friends(that I physically get to see and hang with) always ditch me when I need them

Do you have...

38) ???
..hm...I don't believe I have any ???'s.
I do have one drawn on my hand though,using the scar from a dog bite as the dot beneath the curvey part.

40) Any pets?
12 dogs.
It was 13..but my puppy died last weekend..

41) An illness
not unless I caught the rash that Marissa had.
The doctors dont know what it is.They said it could be chicken pox but she's moving today and I'm gonna miss her so I hugged her and then she was like 'Oh shit.What if you get this rash-thingy?' so I was like "I dont care." she felt bad so I scratched my arms and stuff and rubbed them against her rash.Then I was like "there,if I'm lucky I'll catch it.and then I'll have something to remember you by."and then she laughed and cried.

42) A pager?
do those even exist still?

43) A personal phone line?
no

44) A cell phone?
yes.

45) A visible birthmark?
No.I dont have one at all

46) A pool or hot tub?
Neither.I'd rather have a hot tub I think.Pools scare me.

47) A car?
not yet.

48) Personality?
I'm bipolar so sometimes I'm bitchy and sometimes I'm sad.
And then theres the times that I'm random! Everybody... ]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15120078/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15120078/ Thu, 18 Oct 2007 18:47:26 PDT things havnt been to nice lately.My puppy died the other day...I got wasted almost as soon as I got home from school.Passing out is the only sleep I've gotten in a looong while.
Holy fuck I just found out its thursday...last that I remember it should only be tuesday....
Yeah my thoughts are kind of fragmented...

I'm failing at least two classes.Mainly because I havnt done the homework...or classwork...or even the tests...pretty much I do nothing but doodle,write,or just sit there and hope I pass out...
You shoulda seen my math teachers face when he went to grade my paper.In big bold letters I wrote PHAILURE.and then I had just a bunch of little sketches around it.And I turned my most recent world history ll honors test in with just a name and nothing more.
Oh yeah,I also got detention.My school is having a 'block party' to support Iraqi schools..So i raised my hand and asked why.I said "why are we gonna raise money to support Iraqi schools when we're just gonna blow them up?" and then Mrs.Bivona was like "*blank stare*..go to focus."(focus is the detention room) so I was like "WHA?! You cant do that! For once I didnt do anything!" and then she got all pissy and gave me this death glare and said "Just go.Get out of my room right now!" So I put my sketchbook in my bag and said "fine.I'll go.I don't wanna be here anyway.I mean you already kicked out my best friend because he wore my spiked bracelet and you claimed he threatened to bring a knife." I started walkin to the door and she gets even more pissy like shes PMSin or somethin.She basically started yellin at me "GO! GET OUT BEFOR I CALL OFFICER KNUCKLES."And I laughed because Officer Knuckles is like the coolest cop ever.She got real close and up in my face and all that crap,"You are really getting on my nerves.you are disrupting their learning*points to class*" Again I laughed. and then said "How?you've got these little preppy girls doin their make up.And that group of black girls talkin about fuckin their boyfriends.And not to mention that you're over there flirtin with Mason..".I won.She was speechless..or so I thought.So she says "I have never had a student this disrespectful.Now you can either go or I will get the principal.No-" I stopped her with my signature phrase of "Yo,FUCK YOU." and then i walked out of the classroom.

um..yeah...sorry bout the whole little rant thing.

But I started my own religion.
Its called Mansonism.
The worship of Marilyn Manson.
XD
Seriously though.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15001289/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/15001289/ Wed, 10 Oct 2007 14:11:14 PDT They've changed their settings.Now you have to be 18 to view anything marked 'Mature'.Thats so lame.
I can't even read some of my own poetry now.
WHAT THE HELL !?!?!?!
DA you have officially pissed me off.*I'll be over it in an hour or so though*

I'm really tired.Other than passing out from too much party-ing,I have not slept in like 5 days..
And it seems like everybody at school either wants to fight me or follow me like a lost puppy...is that a good thing?

Soooooo....i've said to much about myself lately.
It's great that I finally have a reason to be happy and all but really,WHO CARES?

So does anybody wanna talk about themselves?
Say anything.Tellme about your plans for the weekend or what your gonna do for Halloween..
You could even tell me about your childhood if you want.Just ANYTHING.I'm tired of talking about myself...

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14961923/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14961923/ Sun, 07 Oct 2007 20:17:20 PDT
Last night I was supposed to hang out with James but he ended up not being able to get there-It was a major buzz kill- so when i started walking back home I cam across some stoners sittin in a circle in the grass passing a small bong and a couple of bottles-both alcohol and drugs.It smelled sooooo good and looked so fun.So I just joined the circle-so wonderful.Free high and new friends that I may never meet again.Lets just say I was passed out on my porch shortly after.Almost didn't get up for work this morning :/

But anyway,

I was kinda shocked by the response I got to my journal 'lease don't wake me..'.There was alot more comments then I expected...THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT AND STUFF!!!!!!

I'm gonna have to get in serious trouble at school now.I have to get sent to Genesis.James is there and now James's brother and my little brother(my best guy friend Dylan) are getting sent there.My other so-called-friends are all pissy about me wantin to go.
Like this fight that happened on friday:
Arynn:You're gonna leave me here alone in this stupid school
Me:I'm sorry.Since when does my life revolve around you?
Arynn:I thought I was like your best friend
Me:Look almost me entire fucking life is there(almost yelling by this point)
Arynn:But you've got me here
Me:I don't care.James is everything to me.Other than the people I talk to on DA,which hardly even know me,James is the only person that gives a damn about me.
Arynn:I care.I'm here for you.
Me:Really?Where were you when I tried to kill myself?
Arynn:When did that happen?
Me:Exactly.It happened a few times.But you were shoved too far up your own ass to listen to me.
Arynn:So Your saying that he's more important to you than me?
Me:yes.
Arynn:*stares at me with a death glare*Fine I guess you don't want me as a friend anymore.
Me:I guess not.Bye *And so I turn away from her and everyone at my table copies*

Yep.Thats one friendship that I wont lose if I get sent to a different school! *sarcasm*
But My supposed best girl friend is bein a whiny baby about it....
I havn't quite decided yet but I'm leaning more towards going.

NO school for me tomarrow!No work either!
So I finally have a day off which gives me a chance to sleep without passing out from drugs or alcohol!.....maybe.I probably won't get to though.-------!!!!!No.I don't want to sleep!My parents AND my sister are gonna be at work!SO I just might have James come over to hang out.....
Fuck yeah!
I guess things are starting to slightly get better..

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14846566/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14846566/ Sat, 29 Sep 2007 20:02:20 PDT
I am completely at a loss of explanation for how I feel.

I'm confused, terrified, happy, extremely nervous..... The whole mix...except,for once,its almost void of anger or depression. *AWKWARD*

Aaannywaaay,the whole point of this journal was to tell you guys something really important.*Okay,it might not be important to you but it is to me.....be glad.I'm not bitching about anything this time* I want you guys to be the firsts to know.Befor my ..uh...other friends..Because you guys are more important to me.
*>< must stay focused* ok,befor I get totally sidetracked I shall tell you.

Today I called him.We talked for a while.And then this conversation started-
James:my dad and I had a kind of awkward conversation today
Me:Really,what was it about?
James:Us...We were at my uncle's and he has this cabinet full of jewelry
Me:...Okay..what does that have to do with us?
James:There was a ring...it had a black onxy heart-shaped stone...
Me:sounds pretty
James:Yeah...except the band was gold and i remembered you don't like gold...
Me:I hate diamonds too but I'd still wear one if you gave it to me...
James: Do you love me?
Me:I think so.
James:do you really love me?
Me:Yes I do.
James:Enough to marry me?
Me:..WHA?!
James:Would you marry me?
*And that's about where my heart stopped and I died....not really but I felt like I did*
Needless to say,I said yes.Which is a big deal for me because I NEVER EVER wanted to get married..
I know we have to wait two more years befor we can actually get married.I don't know how it is everywhere else,but here you have to be 18 unless you have parental consent. Unfortunetly my parents would never allow it.They hate him.....

So um.....yeah.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14675234/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14675234/ Mon, 17 Sep 2007 15:03:39 PDT Hell,I keep asking me why.
But I don't know the answer.I don't know why I always take him back.I don't know why I let him repeatedly break my heart.I just do.This makes the fourth time.I just can't let go...
But this time,he apologized for his mistake.This time he cried and told me he loved me and said I meant everything to him befor I got the chance to break up with him.
The anticipation is killing me.He goes to court on monday for a crime he didn't commit.It's possible for him to go to a juevenile detention home.And if he does....then I've lost him forever.He's worse than me when it comes to keeping everything bottled up.He won't be the same when he gets out.I told him I'd be waiting for him anyway...
He's called me cupcake ever since i got drunk and called him muffin....so yesterday after we were fighting for two days I baked cupcakes.It probably woulda made more sence if I made muffins but....oh well.

My hand still hurts.I snapped in my second block on friday.Started screaming at some people and punched the wall untill my hand was dripping with blood.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to be suspended tomarrow or wednesday.I'm going to find this girl and make her remember who she's fuckin with.Because I'm not to fond of some freshman lying about sexual harassment from my guy just so she gets attention.She doesn't think Dylan was serious when he told her I'd kill her if my guy gets locked up because of her pathetic ass.

Right now isn't a good time for anyone to be near me.I can't control my emotions.I feel like like I'm trapped in a mouse's maze.Everytime I think I've found an escape it's just another dead end...

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14565196/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14565196/ Sun, 09 Sep 2007 17:24:05 PDT After carrying who knows how many 5gallon buckets of tea around all day at work my arms feel pretty dead.-And I spilled one of them all over me because people suck and don't know how to stay out of the way-

And I just realized that I havent really posted anything for a while.I posted Seduction last week but even that was sitting in my notebook for atleast a few weeks befor I put it up.

I have some pretty cool sketches but my drawing teacher won't let me bring them home.I think she's going to make me go see the guidance councilor tomarrow.
Reason one:When she told us to draw something that represents us(talking to the class),I drew a big mushroom with a marijuana leaf over top of it with a half-empty liquor bottle.And then I filled part of the background with two journal entries.One about my obsession,addiction,and abuse and the other about this sickening love obsession.
Reason two:She collected our sketchbooks to grade the notes and warm ups we were supposed to do.I didn't really care untill after she took mine and I remembered that I had some sketches and stuff in it that I didn't really mean for anybody to see.But hey,maybe I'll post them after I get my sketchbook back.Like the one with a girl standing nearly naked baring her scars to anyone who cares to notice and around her it says "All this time you thought i was fine.Too bad you didn't know me better."

By the way,I've givin in.I've let him claim me as his.So far all I've heard from people is how he flirts with other girls,etc. But I don't know if I should believe them or not.What he says is pretty convincing and most of these people that say hes ' playing' me like him themselves...
I don't know that I made the right choice,but I'm almost happy now.I have this deep feeling that it's all going to go wrong and it's going to end in a very painful way...I don't really care though.Maybe I am setting myself up for a terrible heartbreak.Possibly a deadly one.Maybe I'm making one of the biggest fucking mistakes of my life.But really I'm not sure that I give a fuck anymore.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14534190/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14534190/ Fri, 07 Sep 2007 17:32:11 PDT But we all know that if it was easy we would have no motivation to do anything.

So instead I ask:'Why is my life so fucked up?What did I do to deserve this?'
Is it really fair to take a little girl,who wanted nothing but a happy life,away from the one thing she needed most and then replace it with some uncaring asshole?
I don't think so.But as they say,'Life isn't fair.'
And I agree,she's a cruel selfish bitch.
On the other hand,I do deserve what I have now.I deserve to lay on my bathroom floor night after night waiting for my stomach to reject the drugs.I deserve to sit on my floor crying because I fall for the wrong guys.I deserve to curl in pain from the cuts I make in my flesh because I can't forgive my mistakes.

So I guess I should rephrase my question to:'What did I do back then to deserve this?'
But what's the point?I know some how it's my fault.It's always my fault.EVERYTHING. IS. MY. FAULT.

Three breakdowns in front of her,I've lost count of how many when she's not around,and my mother still denies that I need some kind of help.What is she waiting for?The day I finally can't take it anymore and I lose control of my anger?-well,if that's what she's waiting for then it won't be very long befor it happens.I've already had to lock myself in a room to keep myself under some sort of control.These things are getting worse and I don't know how to stop them.They're starting to happen in school now.It's hard enough for me to beable to cry around other people without wanting to hurt myself for it,but full blown breakdowns....I can't keep doing this.

I tried a stranger's remedy for sadness.It was great,cocaine laced with alittle bit of marijuana.But it only set my bipolar on extreme.So I went with my friend and sucked helium out of a few balloons,something we've been doing for the last couple of days,unfortunetly today it only gave me a terrible headache.

My 'ex' that claims to still love me asked me to the Homecoming dance.I said I'd go...but I don't know if I want to anymore.-Well,I do.I think I still have some buried feelings for him but....You know that saying 'You only get one chance to love..' this is one of those situations.I know that if I let him go instead of holding on to him,I'm never going to have that chance again.But I just can't handle love right now.How am I supposed to be there for him and be happy for him If I can't even be there and be happy for myself?
I've tried to get opinions from my friends but they were no help.Half of them said go for it and the other half seemed dissappointed in me.I pretty much made up my mind when the closest thing to a little brother I have looked away in shame.Still I can't shake the thoughts of what could have been then and what could be now....

They say I'll make it through.That everything will get better.But I think they're all full of shit.It's just a bunch of lies.That's all its been nearly all my life.But hey,miracles happen,right?
Ha.
Too bad it only works for those who have reason to dedicate their pathetic lives to someone who's rarely ever found.
Maybe it will get better.Just maybe,I'll find the peace I need when Death's icy breath is upon my lips and the dark is closing in.When this life of obsession,addiction,and abuse finally catches up to me and sets me free,that's when I'll believe their bullshit about things getting better.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14476318/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14476318/ Mon, 03 Sep 2007 17:46:50 PDT I just layed there curled up on my floor crying.My hands tightly pressed against my ears trying to stop the thoughts.I even turned my radio up so loud that I couldn't hear the glass shatter as I threw it against the wall.But it failed to silence the antagonizing thoughts that screamed inside my head.
I did the only other thing I knew to do:
Take a handfull of random medication and cut away the hurt.But I couldn't feel it.
The medication left me hanging out my window throwing up everything I didn't eat and the wounds,they just kept bleeding.Still,I didn't stop taking the drugs.And I only stopped cutting because I was too weak to hold the knife anymore.And then it all fell black.I could feel my bones connect with the cold floor but it had no effect.
I got up this afternoon and practically dragged myself to the bathroom,ignoring the dark crimson streaks across my chest and down my legs.I found myself clinging to my toilet as my stomach tried to discard the already digested pills.The bowl looked as if someone poured red wine into it.
I drew a hot bath and bit my lips as the water stung my flesh.I layed in the water for a while and then I realized it was turning red.
And then everything clicked inside my mind.I climbed out of the tub and slid across the floor to the corner as the thoughts came flooding back.I pulled my knees to my chest and cried again.I looked at my naked flesh and watched as the blood just kept coming,pushing past the ripped edges of flesh and mixing with the water as it ran off my skin.
And then I felt it again.The tightening of my stomach muscles as it prepared to reject it's contents another time.Once more it looked like red wine.
I struggled to stand on my weak knees and hazardly made my way back to my room.I collapsed beneath my window.I lit a cigarette and took a deep drag.It burn as the smoke was sucked down my throat and into my lungs but it was relaxing.I wiped away the blood with an old shirt and laughed as the blood began to show again.I tried to wipe it away a few more times but it just kept bleeding.So I gave up and let it flow.
A few cigarettes later I decided that I should get dressed and maybe find a distraction.I chose a pair of black jeans and a manson teeshirt.It didn't take long for dark spots to accessorize my jeans as the blood soaked through.I failed to find the motivation to change or patch the wound.

~~~~Everything~~~~~~~
Buried way beneath the sheets I think she's having a melt down
Finding it hard to fall asleep she won't let anyone help her
The look on her face, A waste of time
She won't let go, Gonna roll the dice
Losing her grace, she Starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.

I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything

Somewhere she is on the streets trying to make things better
Praying to God and breathing deep
Gotta break this long obsession
The look on her face a waste of time
She won't let go gonna roll the dice
Losing her grace, she Starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.

I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything
I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything.

If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?
Or wanna be high
If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?
Or wanna be high.

Now and then she talks to me
And sometimes writes me letters
The look on her face a waste of time
She won't let go gonna roll the dice
Losing her grace, she Starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.

I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything
You know I wanna be, Yeah I want everything
I wanted everything everything

Your eyes, never close your eyes
And open up your mind
Oh and baby you can have everything, everything
Your eyes, never close your eyes
And open up your mind
Oh and baby you can have everything

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14446402/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14446402/ Sat, 01 Sep 2007 19:46:34 PDT
I thought that by realising fairytales were out of reach,things would get better...
I was wrong.

Things just keep falling apart.

Yeah the first few days were better.I got a few freshman under my command.My bestest guy friend that gets me the drugs I want/need got out of rehab!That made me really happy.I missed him all summer--didn't know he was in rehab till the day befor he got out...
And I had some time alone--meaning,nobody,guy or girl asked me out or told me they liked me or anything like that.Another thing that made me really happy.Because I think I just need some time without the pressures of a relationship.

Alas,all good things must go bad.It's like some golden rule or something.
My best guy friend is dating some bitch that I can't get along with.So I don't get much time with him unless she's not there.
And then my ex comes back to me practically begging me to date him again.He claimed he loved me.I told him to give me a few days to think about it...But then I found out he asked out three other girls after he said he still loved me.And like the fuy he is,he denied askin them out and has been trying to convince me that he does love me and that I should date him for five days.I told him I'd think about it if he could prove he loved me.It's driving me crazy.
My bipolar is getting worse.I've been taking my best friend's Prozac and it isn't doing anything.

I had a breakdown at work today.They had to send me on my break early because I started crying while I was trying to take orders and I was shaking so bad I kept dropping stuff.I just sat on the floor in the crew room with my face buried in my knees,crying for half an hour.After work I had a guy I work with buy me a pack of cigarettes.I've already smoked half the pack.And it's only been a little under five hours.
When I got home from work I thought I would be okay but not even an hour later I had another breakdown in front of my parents.I couldn't explain what was wrong because I didn't know what was wrong.But hey,at this rate maybe they'll finally get me the help I need.

I'm getting so pathetic.
I take sedatives in the morning just to make it throught the day without some outburst of anger or depression.I take a bottle of alcohol with me to school so that I can get through class without starting a fight for no reason at all.I take more sedatives after school so I crash from my high and hopefully get some sleep.

I think my body's trying to reject the drugs.They often make me convulse horribly.And sometimes I can't breath and I start choking on my own desperate breaths.But that still doesn't convince me to stop.

It's all falling apart and I can't keep it together no matter how hard I try.
I'm losing control again And I dont know what to do.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14339117/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14339117/ Sat, 25 Aug 2007 19:25:33 PDT
So I tried to reason with myself.
It didn't work.
After a few minutes I agreed that I was just pathetic.

So,
This past week,
~I have cleared my life of those "friends" that I don't need.(and realized that that leaves me with like nobody Other than you guys here on DA)
~Decided that I like my cocaine.I don't have to stop just because "friends" don't like it."Friends" are cheap and replaceable.Cocaine is replaceable but not cheap.
~Managed not to get kicked out of school in the first three days
~Currently I'm trying to lure two freshman outcasts into my little army of misfits.(the two look almost like Kelly and Jack Osbourn)
~Oh,most importantly,I've accepted that my fairytale romance will NEVER happen.Instead I'm hoping for the razorblade romance that he keeps teasing me with.He says he'd like to cut me as much as I like to cut me and it is far more tempting than a fairytale.He's got me caught in his web and I'm wanting that first bite.I'm over the last failure of love.I've decided to use that stupid heart only to live.I can't keep wallowing in pointless misery.Who needs love as long as theres lust?

Maybe I'll post some of the drawings I've done.
I probably won't but theres a 1% chance.

New motto: I don't have time to spend my life hating you

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14178553/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14178553/ Wed, 15 Aug 2007 10:41:41 PDT No more waiting around wondering if I'm doing the right thing or not.

I knew he chose her.
But I didn't want to let go.
I didn't want to believe that he really wanted her more than me.
At five am-ish when he finally told me.I was shattered.I knew it was going to happen but it still hurt pretty bad.I asked him if I ever really meant anything to him or if I was just something to fuck untill he got a real girlfriend...he didn't answer.
He said we could be really good friends.That made it hurt worse.

I've been taking uppers to hide the depression and downers to lessen the anxious-ness.<-Stoner words.
It does kind of work like in the cartoons.How it looks like they're really bipolar.But eventually it just makes you feel sick.

I'm trying to forget.Trying to make the best of things.I mean,I knew it was going to happen so it shouldn't bother me so much right?

It's just not fair.
Everyone gets this fairytale romance that last forever.I'm lucky if I get one that last's more than two days.
Do I have a sign above my head that says "Hey,come promise me the world and cheat on me and make me feel like I'm worthless" ??????
Because sometimes I feel like I do.Actually almost every relationship I have feels like that.

I feel so used.I put so much trust in him.
I believed him.
And once again it was my biggest mistake.
But I can't say I regret it.
Nope,no regrets this time.I had the funnest summer of my life thanks to him.The most illegal summer too,but that doesnt matter.

I want to gut her in the street just to make him mine again.But that wouldn't make him happy.So I can't do that.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14125422/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14125422/ Sat, 11 Aug 2007 21:27:05 PDT
But I've got one reason not to and it's stronger than the reasons to do it.
I just don't deserve to die.
Seriously.I have done nothing that should grant me freedom from this hell.

....Has anyone else ever noticed that your best friends say they're there for you no matter what,but when you feel really worthless and need a reason to live they don't want anything to do with you?

I need new friends.
Except you guys.I think I'd like to keep you guys... atleast untill you piss me off.

I've got ten days untill I have to go back to school.
And I still havn't even bought the books I'm supposed to have read and done reports on...
Oh fuck.School means those pathetic excuses for "friends" telling me about their great summers and expensive trips all which have nothing to do with me.I'm overflowing with joy.<-*sarcasm*

I'm nervous therefor,I'm very....jumpy.I'm not sure that's what I should call it...its more like I'm very random.Never know if I'm going to laugh or scream at the slightest noise.Like when I cut myself--By acident this time--I saw the blood and started laughing hysterically.And then screamed because the lights flickered on and off.People tend to stare at me like I'm crazy at times like these...
Damn.I really drifted away from the topic.
Oh well.

But am I really nervous?Part of me says I'm just scared and another part says i'm just fuckin crazy.I have no idea what's going on and I don't know what to do about it.I can't talk to him.I lose my nerve when I try to and I can't let more time pass because it makes me want to rip my skin off and roll in salt.

I wish I could be her.
I wish I had his attention like she does.
I was her.
I did have his attention like she does.
But somehow it faded and I was left clueless.
It's so painful.
Yet it almost doesn't hurt.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14108272/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14108272/ Fri, 10 Aug 2007 16:24:10 PDT It was boring because the only people around were extremely old and my best friends mom is one of those moms that flip out if you say anything about cutting or drugs so I couldn't even do those.
But it was kind of nice.The only person I had to piss me off was my best friend,which I swear she was trying to do.I DO NOT swim.I absolutely hate getting in anything bigger than a bath tub.So she begged her mom to go the pool and I HAD to swim or her mom would continually ask me what was wrong.Do you know how hard it is to hide scars in a bathing suit?I have scars the whole way to my knees and my best friend said I could hide them.We ended up going swimming twice.I could have seen Bucky Covington in concert but she wanted to go swimming instead.
We went shopping.Like always my friend tried to get clothes that were too small and her mom wouldn't let her so she got pissy and acted like a bitch.
And she expected me to sit around ALL day EVERYday watching stupid shows on the television.Everytime I tried to find time to write she guilt tripped me with the 'you're not having fun.If you didn't wanna come you didn't have to..' So I sat with her.In front of that damned television.Now my brain feels like it's not even there at all.
Anyway,for the most part it was quiet.I had SOME time to think.That probably wasn't a good thing though.Mostly I thought about what some of my friends and even people I dont know here in DA have been saying to me.Part of me says they're right and the other part says who gives a fuck what they think about my life.
I walked atleast two miles everyday.Mostly when the sun was going down because its been so hot.Even when the sun went down it was still 91degrees.
I was slightly happy to come home though.
I missed you guys and my dogs.
And the alcohol.

And now I really need something horrible to do befor I explode.I've been...good all week.I even restrained myself from getting in a fight in the middle of a store.
>< I can't get wasted or stoned.I have to be at work early tomarrow.
Now I've decided that life sucks again.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14020868/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/14020868/ Sat, 04 Aug 2007 21:14:37 PDT ^^^SARCASM!!!!!!!^^^^^

When I went to work at 8am I was in an okay mood.By 8:27am I was ready to lock myself inside my head and ignor everybody.
Seriously,I like my job.Its like a stress reliever for me.So how can so few of people piss me off that bad in 27 minutes!?!Its impossible.
Yet it happened.
So for most of the day I was in sarcastic bitch mode.But I think I seemed more like an escaped mental patient.That little hysterical guy in the mood thing,thats kinda what I looked like.Then I got stuck working in Drive-thru.That was a real joy killer.PEOPLE IF YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT DONT COME THROUGH THE DAMN DRIVE-THRU.ITS CALLED "FAST FOOD" FOR A REASON YOU MORONS.
And then some smart ass decides he's gonna tell me he thinks I'm pretty while I'm trying to fill an order.Who tells a stressed psycho that they're pretty!?!?!?!
Hey,guess what,that 32ounce Coke didn't stay in my hands too long.
I got sent home at 4pm.

I go home thinking I can just chill and relax.
WRONG.
I'm locked out of my own fucking house.I had a choice.I could sit on my porch for a few hours untill my parents came home or I could try to climb through a window.I chose to lay out in the middle of the road.
I wait.6pm my step-dad walks out of the house.I'm like "WTF!?!?!? Man!?!" I waited for to hours for no reason at all.
I go to the fridge.
!!!!There's NO ALCOHOL!!!!!!!
Again I'm like "WTF!?!?!?!" So I check the cabinets.Still nothing.By now all I can do is hope that I still have something in my room.Just alittle pot would make me so much happier.
Again,nothing.
So yeah,Im alittle on edge.Okay so I'm practically jumping off the cliff.But its okay.I'll find a way to make it work.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13947848/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13947848/ Mon, 30 Jul 2007 21:10:40 PDT Why should I have to change who I am to make everybody happy if they won't change for me?
Seriously,what makes them so special that I have to throw away who I am(meaning:Stop drugs and self torture) If they're not going to stop telling me lies?

It's just not right to me.
So,I quit.I'm going back to who I was.
The useless waste of time.Spending every day too fucked up to care.The little psycho that beats the hell out of someone for telling her she needs help and later cuts herself because she realizes they're right.

It was easier.
It didn't hurt as much.
Nothing hurt as much because I expected it.
And Its all coming back.
I've lost my trust in nearly everyone.
Thanks for making me feel so damn worthless.You got really deep.Too bad I have to rip you out.

Perhaps I should give up on guys.
I'm already Bi,but so far guys have turned out to be liars out to break me,so I'm left wondering if I should just become a lesbian.

And it doesn't help that my parents are practically overdosing me on cold medications because they think I'm sick.
Fucking morons.I'm not sick.I told them I'm not sick.But they refuse to believe me and I can't tell them what's really wrong with me.I can't tell them that the reason my entire body hurts and I'm so cold it burns,is because I did too many drugs because I can't handle reality while I'm sober.

Nope.I sure as hell can't tell them that.They would kill me.

--- Hurt by Nine Inch Nails
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13875588/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13875588/ Wed, 25 Jul 2007 14:49:08 PDT It feels weird because methadome is a sedative with the same components as heroin so its tryin to counteract with the energy drinks.And well,my day isnt complete if I havent had alcohol.

I'm fighting with myself pretty badly these last two days.I thought I finally had everything I ever wanted.I thought things could finally be better.But as usual I was wrong.It hurts the same as it always did.
I guess its because they're all the same no matter how many times they promise they're different..

As long as I keep myself distracted I cant cry or continue to fuck up my plans to change...

But look! AfiniumPunk made a quiz thingy!

-------------Quiz-thingy---------------

1.Early bird or night owl?
I go to bed at 5am and get back up at 7am.Does that make me both?

2.Cat or dog?
Dog.I love me mutts!I have 16 now.

3.Ferret or pet rock?
I like ferrets..
But pet rocks are much more fun.

4.Cookie or cake?
I like to bake cakes.I dont eat them though.

5.Pancakes or waffles?
Waffles!

6.Photoshop or MSPaint?
I dont have either

7.If your house was burning down what would you save from your house?
My dogs.
And my alcohol.
and my CD's.

8.What color hair do you have?
Dark brown.even though my friends argue that its black.
It's not Damn it! I should know because its MY hair!

9.What is your favorite cheese?
um.....cheese.

10.If you could bring a person from the past back, who would it be?
All the cool dead rockstars.So I could have an awsome party with great music and the best drugs!

11.What place would you never ever go?
My step-dad's mothers house.
She scares me.

12.Playstation, Nintendo, or Xbox?
The old nintendos rocked so bad.
But I have to go with the playstation

13.If you had no computer what would you be doing right now?
Listening to music.
being "emo"
Most likely something I wasnt supposed to be doing.

14.If you could play one instrument really well, which one would you want to play?
The guitar.
Chicks dig guitarists.

15.If you accidentally ran over your neighbors cat what would you do?
Party.But only because they dont care about their cat and always throw parties.

16.Have you ever blackmailed anyone?
naw.Thats just lame.

17.What did you think of this quiz?
Better than most because it random

18.Five more people who have to do this quiz:
1.~enslavedsphinxYes you have been tagged AGAIN!
2.~demonchild4unow
3.I dont think anyone else I tagged did it last time so anyone else that feels like doing it.
4.~AfiniumPunkBecause you created it but didnt fill it out!
5.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13811632/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13811632/ Fri, 20 Jul 2007 17:12:27 PDT 'like the blood I cant let run'
my notebook of poetry was the closest book.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
I dont feel like it.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Bleach

4. Without looking, guess what time it is.
Time for me to mix another drink

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
7:51pm.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
My practically begging my mom to let me go to a Maroon 5 concert in October

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
4:30-5pm.
I went to a friends house hoping to find my new addiction.It wasnt there.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
AfiniumPunks survey

9. What are you wearing?
Tripp pants.Marilyn Manson tshirt.White and black tuxedo-style converses.And a black cadet hat.

10. Did you dream last night?
Nightmares are dreams,right?

11. When did you last laugh?
Yesterday I think...

12. What are on the walls you are in?
A spider.
Thats about it.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
I looked in a mirror when I got out of the shower..

14. What do you think of this quiz?
It's just a lame time waster

15. What is the last film you saw?
In theaters-Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
at home-Hills Have Eyes 2 (its pretty kick ass)

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you think?
Damn you,whoever made me rich!! ><
Now my house is overrun with ungrateful relatives and friends
AND I'm gonna die as soon as I move.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I'm not drunk or stoned yet.

18. If you could change one thing about the world,
Stop the cold wars!!!
Set off your secret Nukes NOW!!!!

Yesh I hate this filthy human race.I think we all deserve to die..

19. Do you like to dance?
Ha!..thats great.Do you tell that joke often?

20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Lexi

21. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Shannon

22. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Whatever happens happens

23. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"A paradise is waiting!Now,lets see where you're at on the list.....How did you even get up here? Let me call Satan and tell him his dogs loose.."

24. 6 people who must also do this in THIER journals.
1.~enslavedsphinx (you have to because I said you do!)
2.~MoonlitNight13
3.~Keaton-Corrine
4.*Ireful
5.~demonchild4unow
6.Whoever wants to do it

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13685022/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13685022/ Tue, 10 Jul 2007 16:14:56 PDT
Yeah,that didn't happen.I kept it for about...ten minutes.Keeping it to myself drove me nuts the whole walk home.I only told Crystal though.So,I guess thats a good thing.But now I feel great and horrible all at the same time.Telling her was a relief.Thats for sure.But usually I can keep a secret.People trust me with those things!

I feel like I let him down.Should I tell him?He might be mad if I do.Crystal can keep secrets sometimes...She knows how much this one means to me so I doubt she tell.I think maybe I wont tell him.

Yes,thats probably best.

I spent the morning organizing and restocking books.Its a favor I had to do for my mom.The reason I owed my mom:I promised her I would if she let me go downtown.Although I didnt stay downtown.I used it as an excuse to go see the greatest thing in my life.And so I was stuck doing her job and I dont even get paid for it ><.

But its okay.I was so bored that I was thinking about the past few weeks.Yes I've chilled on the drugs.Only marijauna in my system now.Sometimes spiked with heroin or cocaine but its only on occasion.No more nights lying away vomiting my guts up.No more wondering where I'll wake up because I'm too strung out to know what I'm doing.No,I've got a new addiction.He makes my mind spin with just one look.Oh,and there's the alcohol.Its like a double package.With one comes the other.

He claims I'm sweet.I don't believe him though.Well,maybe I am just a little...when I'm dunk that is.Hmm..Speaking of which I'm almost drunk now.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13627474/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13627474/ Thu, 05 Jul 2007 22:45:39 PDT
Anybody want one?
I'm gonna sell 'em for $250-$500 each
I'm not sure what they're gonna look like yet cuz the mommy is a pitbull/black chow mix and the daddy is a pointer mix?(not really sure what he is)
It's my step dad's idea to sell them.I wanna keep them but he says that I have enough dogs already.(I only have eleven.)


Damn it I got sidetracked and I don't remember why I started the journal...

Oh yes,I finally wrote that submission for the EmoMafia.It's funny,the things I can get done when I'm drunk.I finally quit drinking at 6am this morning.I tried to sleep but 2pm came too quickly.But I got up got a shower and dragged my ass to work anyway.

I slammed my head against the counter untill my headache went away--I think maybe I scared away a few customers--and I got off at 9pm.Got home at 9:54pm and started drinking again.--It's still a holiday somewhere,right?If not I'll make one up.I'll call it...the 5th of July!The day AFTER the 4th of July.I know it's so unoriginal--

I have to buy a new windshield for my neighbors car.They claim that last night I shattered the windshield to save a boy that wasn't really there from a car fire that never started--I'm trying fix my mistakes but I can't help but wonder if I'm losing it again.Monday I thought I went to my boyfriends house,got drunk and had a fight with him but I never went to his house.I didn't even call him DX

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13613666/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13613666/ Wed, 04 Jul 2007 22:15:32 PDT
ANd I realized that I had absolutely NO good pictures of me so I put a couple of 'em up.Well,ones a very horrible picture but its still a picture.Actually,they'er ALL very bad because I hate takin pictures of myself.
And other people takin pictures of me ain't any better.

But yeah,post more pictures of yerselves so I can show you off to my other "friends".They need to know what real friendz look like anyway.

My sister is taken like a million pictures of me.She thinks that its funney cuz I'm like alittle more than half drunk and I almost forgot to let go off a firework when I lit the fuse.

1am and I'm still drinkin.I gotta be at work at 3:30pm tomarrow.I'm gonna have a hangover from hell.

I told everyone around me what I really think of them but I doubt that any of us will remember come tomarrow.That could be a good thing.

I never called my dad.I don't think he'll mind.

Oh.Fuck I hope Randy doesn't have his camera.Need details of why just ask me.

I hope you guys had a lovely holiday.Talk to ya soon. ]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13609608/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13609608/ Wed, 04 Jul 2007 16:07:39 PDT At first I screamed and cussed at it untill it stopped ringing.--Can you blame me though?I had just finally fallen asleep after a week of insomnia.
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep once more and the damned thing started ringing again.So I picked it up and my dads number was on the screen.I felt like my lungs we're collapsing.I didn't want to answer.I wanted to curl up and go back to sleep but it's the day befor the 4th of July so I answer.Immediatly I regret my decision.
No 'Hey,kid...'--I hate being called a kid but he's my dad so I tolerate it
No 'How are you?..'
Not even a simple 'Hi..'
Instead he says 'I had my painting appraised.It's worth a hundred dollars.See,I knew my trip down to Virginia last month would be worth it..'--I live in Virginia he lives in Pennsylvania
So then I told him "Hey,that's great.I'm sorry dad but I'll have to call you tomarrow.My phones about to die."and then I hung up.

And now its tomarrow.
Happy 4th of July by the way.
Its 6:59pm and I havn't called him yet.I've been drinking since noon,trying to forget some stuff.
Probly gonna go to the local Fireworks show at the park and then set off my own untill 3am...or untill the cops show up--the latter is usually what happens..

Damn it.I just remembered that I have to write a story for the EmoMafia thing.And I gotta write a poem for Open Mic Night at a cafe downtown--friends idea
Not to mention I have to do like 6 pictures for my friends mothers magazine.--one of the six is almost done.Maybe I'll post it later.
I have too much to do.But tonight,I will pretend that none of it exists.Procrastination is what I do best anyway.

Have fun.Party hard.Forget it all tomarrow. ]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13295121/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13295121/ Sun, 10 Jun 2007 19:56:03 PDT ~My sister graduated
~I sat in the grass like a hippie listening to Burning Bridges and Shooter Jennings concert
~I was outside IN THE SUN for three days.
~My grandparents were here which meant my brother and my newborn nephew was around.
~My real dad was here the entire time.(He's the one that paid for the concert tickets)

Yes it was fun.But I haven't talked to my dad in a really long time and it's been even longer since I've been around him,so I didn't really feel comfortable around him.I know he thinks I'm a bigger fuck up then himself but he won't admit it.

And I HATE my grandparents.And my brother.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13166031/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13166031/ Thu, 31 May 2007 15:54:56 PDT
If you have noticed,she has been absent from the site for quite sometime.See,she fell ill about three weeks ago.She said she was fine,that it was just a cold,but she NEVER gets a cold.She gets serious stuff like stomach viruses...well anyway,about....two weeks ago she started vomiting blood and she was constantly dizzy.I told her to drop the drugs and she'd be better.We got into a big fight and she told me to get out of here life.I did.I went to New York.

I recieved a call about a week ago from one of her other friends,Crystal.Crystal was cryin really badly so it was hard to understand her,but I heard the words 'Jenny' and 'hospital' in the same sentence and I knew something was wrong.So I took the soonest fligt back here,to Virginia.And what I found scared the hell out of me.

If she was concious she would have been really angry.She had IVs and feeding tubes and plenty of other wires hooked into her skin.She always said that she would rather suffer than use some kind of life support.It made me cry for her.I sat there hoping she wuld talk to me.Maybe look at me.Hell,just a hand twitch would satisfy.But nothing happened.She remained completely unresponsive.

I talked to Crystal a while later.She told me that Jenny had pushed herself over the edge when I left.Apperently she got into heavier drugs and did them constantly.Not one minute was she sober.Crystal also said that just a few days after I left,she said something of numbness all over and refused to go home.She went down at school.She was in horrid pain by the time second period started and passed out on the floor soon after.

She's been catatonic since.Although the doctor says that if we're lucky she'll pull out of it really soon.There's some pretty bad damage to her stomach though.And her paranoia will probably turn into schitzophrenia(sp?) but other than that she should be okay and back on here very soon.

Thanks for listening...er..reading.
And please pleaseplease pleeeaasse dont get all bitchy on her when she comes back.Her parents dont know yet because they've been out of state so you can imagine the bitchfit they're gonna give her.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13014602/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/13014602/ Sat, 19 May 2007 14:50:53 PDT
Happy? I'm admitting that I need some serious help.

You found out about the drugs and the mutilation this morning when I slipped up and let the scars show.And the drugs,I'm all kinds of fucked up from those so its easy to tell.You tried to talk to me about it and I flipped out.You said I needed help and I screamed at you.I told you that you knew nothing about what I need while I slammed my fist into the wall beside you.Your beautiful eyes hid behind their lids while you tried not to flinch.You took a deep breath and pulled the hair from your face.You said that I was throwing my life away and that you were sorry for me.You said you couldn't handle my time bomb of emotions if I continued without trying to find help.I practically growled at you as I felt the beast slam it's fists against my chest.It wanted out.My hand twitched as I struggled to keep my fist against the wall.I told you to get out.You stared with hatred in your eyes.I turned quickly and grabbed a small table.You reached for me.I screamed for you to get out of my life while the table hurdled across the room.You looked at me with tears and said that I was just as pathetic as the rest of them.You said I was nothing but a useless junkie that hides behind my addictions because I cant handle what I really am.

You know what?You were right.I am pathetic.I am a fucking junkie that uses quick fixes to forget what I am.I need help.So go do your little dance.Rub it in my face.Do whatever it is that you do when somebody admits you're right and that they need help.I don't fucking care anymore.Please don't leave me.I deserve everything you're doing to me...which is absolutely nothing.But thats what makes it so hard.I need help.And I want you to help me.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12968644/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12968644/ Tue, 15 May 2007 17:34:09 PDT
IT WAS AWSOME!

I got autographs(On my white Tripp pants) of:

Jennifer Nicole
Carl Sipes from "Pimp my ride"
Chad from the band "Unlucky Stars"
And some other people that I cant remember the names of.

Crystal flipped out because Chad used my lighter and hugged me.

Yes I felt like a stalker fangirl.But it was Fun so dont blame me.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12945832/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12945832/ Sun, 13 May 2007 19:08:25 PDT
Stepfather has pushed me too far.For the past few days hes been constantly bitching at me and threatening me.I couldnt take it anymore and I snapped.

BIG fight.

Then I went out and got wasted.SO if you got weird messages I apologize

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12805183/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12805183/ Tue, 01 May 2007 15:40:41 PDT
Thats all I did today.I tried to hold it back and I did untill my third period.
And I'm getting written up for it too.Which means I'm gonna have detention.But I dont care.

I wasn't going to walk into the gym and cry in front of all those people.So me and Crystal sat in the locker room and talked about it.Which at first only made it worse.Yes,add one more blood stain to my record.But eventually I stopped crying and tried to go to the gym.Coach said I was gettin wrote up and asked why I was skippin class.We tried to explain that I was crying and he asked why.The worst question to ask when I feel like shit.I told him I didnt want to talk about it but he couldnt take that answer and let it go.Oh No. He started asking Crystal and everyone else.And I started crying again.Then he said I needed help and I laughed at him.

And now I've been crying all day.
Befor anyone asks whats wrong...

I don't exactly know.All I know is that everything seems wrong.Everything I say sounds fucked up.Everything I do,I feel like I'm going to get in trouble for.I'm so fucking paranoid and I've got a headache that wont go away no matter how many asprines(Sp?)I take.
I feel really 'emo'-ish right now.Like I could just sever the vein without flinching.I quit trying to fix my make up by three o'clock.It was pointless since the tears kept smearing it.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12760738/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12760738/ Fri, 27 Apr 2007 22:43:45 PDT Two of my "friends"(the only two that bothered to show up) convinced me to get on the Spider as my first ride.It was real funny.I panicked so bad that I freaked out the guy running the thing.
Something even funnier,I cried on the Ferris Wheel.
This pathetic wheel,thats only like 100ft tall at the top and moves maybe 20miles an hour,had me in tears.
But I returned to the Spider not long after to give it another try.
I screamed so much that I lost my voice.I got a little drunk.And I think I did something I shouldn't have.
(I have a really bad fear of Falling and being suspended in the air.I can't even have somebody pick me up without panicking)

So umm....Yeah.I have pictures. I just need to get my damn scanner to work so I can put them up.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12745867/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12745867/ Thu, 26 Apr 2007 17:37:27 PDT
I had nothing to say
and i get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(i was confused)
and i live it all out to find, but im not the only person wit these things in mind
(inside of me)
but all that they can see the words revealed
is the only real thing that i got left to feel
(nothing to lose)
just stuck hollow and alone
and the fault is my own and the fault is my own

i wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real
i wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.
erase all the pain til its gone
i wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real.
i wanna find something ive wanted all along
somewhere i belong

and i got nothing to say. i cant believe i didnt fall right down on my face
(i was confused)
look at everywhere only to find.
it is not the way i had imagined it all in my mind.
(so what am i)
what do i have but negativity
cuz i cant trust no one by the way everyone is looking at me
(nothing to lose)
nothing to gain im hollow and alone
and the fault is my own
and the fault is my own

i wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real
i wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.
erase all the pain til its gone
i wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real.
i wanna find something ive wanted all along
somewhere i belong

(Chester)
I will never know myself until i do this on my own
cuz i will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
i will never be anything til i break away from me
i will break away. ill find myself today

i wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real
i wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.
erase all the pain til its gone
i wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real.
i wanna find something ive wanted all along
somewhere i belong
~

I already fucked up.One day and I break my words.I skipped fourth period to sit out side with some "friends" and get stoned.

I should've said no.I could have refused the bowl.But I didn't I sat there and lit it up with them.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I have already disposed of my cocaine,ecstasy,and other drugs.Dylan promised he wouldn't supply them to me on a regular basis anymore.

Most of my "friends" agree that I am over doing them.But they don't think I should quit marijauna completely.They think I should just lighten up on it.They say I'm a calmer person when I smoke.

I don't know what I'm going to do.You wan't me to stop and I want to just for you.But theres a part of me fighting my will to stop because I always said I would never change for anyone.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12731462/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12731462/ Wed, 25 Apr 2007 14:38:43 PDT I skipped first period,slept through second period,got really hyper and flipped out in the middle of third period,and skipped fourth period.

Although I am a little pissed about this 'cure' for Homosexuality.They act like its some kind of disease and it makes me wanna stab a pen through their throat.This is the reason I flipped out in third period.There are so many kids in my school that believe that bull shit.

But other than that things are going better than usual.And some of you will be happy to know that its not a drug induced happiness.I haven't done any drugs,smoked cigarettes,or caused myself harm at all today.And its mostly because of you.(I need not say who because he should know that its him).I was going to this morning befor I went to school but I got this horrible wave of guilt that I couldn't get rid of.I just want to say that I'm really sorry.I'm going to get rid of it all tomarrow.I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet but I can't have it in my posession any longer.If I don't have it then I can't do it,right? I'm going to tell all the people I know not to supply me anymore.So no more Cocaine.No more Marijauna.No Ecstacy.No drugs at all anymore.I will even put most of my knives away so that I won't be so tempted to do anything.I seriously am going to try really hard to quit this time.Because I have turned myself into a masochist I won't beable to completely stop cutting but I will do it less often.I want to stop.Not for me or my "friends".I want to stop for you.And I know it's going to be really hard.And it might even take me some time to get used to it.But I'm willing to try again for you.I'm not going to promise because I don't want to screw up and break it like I did befor.I just...I don't know.I'm going to find something else to do so I don't end up crying.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12720441/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12720441/ Tue, 24 Apr 2007 16:40:37 PDT I'm challenging what people say to try to help me with all the negative possibilities.Why can't I just take what they say and look at it positively?Why can't I let people help me without putting up a fight?

Today's News

I've got this extreme personality thing going on right now.I went to see the therapist again this morning and he said that something set my personality off track again.In other words,I won't always be in a concious state of mind.Instead I'll have a different personality in my place.He said that these personalities are just my emotions,only I turned them into different people in my head when I felt a certain emotion to an extreme level.After seven and a half hours he discovered all six.He even got their names and the emotions they're linked with.(I knew all this already.Which is why some are mentioned in a few of my poems or stories.)

His analysis:
Jay-Depression,pain(basically my emo side)
Frank-Rage
Spaz-Paranoia
Derrick-Peaceful(No motive to do anything but take in my surroundings)
Bridgette-Happiness
Arianna-Love

So,my apologies if I say something to offend or piss off any of you.I guess all I can do for the time being is remain at a neutral state...if at all possible.

]]> ~tears4everfalling http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12706236/ http://tears4everfalling.deviantart.com/journal/12706236/ Mon, 23 Apr 2007 15:09:26 PDT
I tried to get stoned this morning.Key word being 'tried'.No matter what I did I couldn't get the damn bowl lit.I stood behind stuff to avoid wind and even held my hand up to block it(which got me burned a few times).The way I see it is that someone really didn't want me smoking.So,I went through the day sober.

Thinking way to much today.I completely bombed a test today because I overthought everything.It was simple questions with obvious answers and I failed it.
Here's one of the questions:
Back in the early 18-1900's the South was defined by what?
A)The SunBelt
B)The BibleBelt
C)Confederate States
D)Trade patterns and routes

I chose D.The right answer was C.And you know what else?I told my teacher to go fuck himself.He kept trying to be smartass to me about it and I told him to leave me alone.He didn't do it.I stood up and threw my text book on the floor and told him to leave me the fuck alone.He got in my face and I told him to fuck himself.He then told me to go to the office.I didn't go to the office though.Instead I left school and walked to the park.I was hoping to get stoned but noone was there.And now I'm at home waiting for the principle to call my mother.

]]> ~tears4everfalling