http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:tearzsting&section=today deviantART RSS for by:tearzsting en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 22 Dec 2009 19:12:45 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/16637465/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/16637465/ Wed, 30 Jan 2008 00:51:03 PST

1. Where did you meet?
His house.

2. What was the first thought that went through your head when you met?
Wow, look at him; he's magnetic.

3. Do you remember what he/she was wearing?
A black t-shirt and boxers.

4. Where was the first time you kissed this person?
In his bed as we held each other...after four years.

5. How did he/she ask you out?
He didn't. He declared his undying love for me & told me he'd love to be with me, but he was okay with what we had. I told him I didn't want a commitment and two days later I changed my mind.

6. Where did you go for your first date?
A Halloween party...he was on a leash.

7. How long did you know this person before you became a couple?
4 years.

8. Has this person ever proposed to you?
No

9. Do you and this person have kids together?
No, were not breeders.

10. Have you ever broken the law with this person?
Hmm...yes.

11. When was the first time you realized that you liked this person?
The moment I laid eyes on him.

12. Do you get along with any of the ex's of your partner?
I'm pretty neutral with them.

13. Do you trust this person?
More than anyone else in the world.

15. Whats the most expensive thing this person has given you?
Hmm...I don't know. Prices are stupid. Um...a house to live in?

16. What is one thing he/she does that gets on your nerves?
There isn't anything. I love everything about him, every flaw...wow.

17. What is the thing you do that gets on his/her nerves?
Um...get sad. I get sad and it makes him sad. I think that's it,

18. Where do you see each other in 15 years from now?
I don't know...Canada?

__________________________________________________________________________

I love you guys. Yeah.

~Jynn

]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/10983170/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/10983170/ Thu, 07 Dec 2006 12:09:29 PST
1.)Epiphany

I've tried, really, really hard, to be everything that everyone wants me to be. I've been a mother, a lover, a shoulder to cry on, a victim, a punching bag, a bitch, a whore, salvation...but for what? I know who I am...why am I never true to myself? Why can't I just be selfish and do things for me? Someone once told me, "We won't work. You'll always feel trapped, and I'll be waiting for you to come home." He was so wrong. I'm just typing, I need to right now. But it might not make much sense.

Back to the matter at hand...what is the point of living your life for someone else? I have a looking-glass complex, so I see myself through other people's eyes. BUT, I have identified that this is a problem and I'm trying to change it. Change...I've changed so much, for the wrong reasons, and not always for the good. I can't remember time before Xander. I can't remember what used to be fun for me. Everyone tells me I was an alcoholic and an addict and that's all I did. But I know...I know there was time and space between those times when I comfortably co-existed with other people and enjoyed their company. I remember a time before I was so judgemental...I remember when I wasn't so jaded.

But, so often everything hurts-because I let it. How did I let things get like this? How did I let me get like this? On a regualr basis...someone says something that makes me hate myself. Hell, half of the time I allow myself to be manipulated into thinking I'm a bad person. But I'm not. I do my part. For every person that's helped me through a rough time, I've helped three. And why do other people do these things? Until just now, I thought it was because they all just wanted something from me. My paranoia has spun too far out of control...and somewhere along the line I stopped having faith in my fellow man...until just now.

People can love each other, just for the sake of loving. Don't get me wrong people hurt each other for the sake of seeing the tears fall, but not always. I'm hurting...but it's such a strange pain. It's like for the first time ever, I am in my own skin. I've spent such a long time letting someone else make decisions for me. Dear Mattman!, why didn't I listen when you told me? The choices are mine to make, and I take comfort in it. Don't you forget, you always have a choice. If someone has a gun to your head, you can die, or fight and have a chance-either way it's still a choice. We might not always like the choices we have, but having the capability to recognize them and take responsibility...that's progress. That's one step closer to having that peace of mind everyone longs for.

I choose me.

I found an old friend on here, he told me that every day we prove ourselves. In everything we do, we prove ourselves so that we know we're alive. At the time I wasn't and I haven't been. I haven't been deserving of the life I live. I haven't been thankful for my very existance-but to be alive is a beautiful thing. To simply get the chance to know love and pain...it's an exquisite thing. I am tired of being this way. I am tired of people making me this way...I am even more tied of letting them.

I prove myself.

I am me and I am beautiful. I am confident and sexy and wrathful. I am loved, but I don't need it...because as of right now, I love myself enough for the world.

2.) I'm not Broken

Yeah, I'm good. I'm great, actually. After the epiphany I had the other day, tings have been brighter, you know? I mean, for the first time in a really long time I'm comfortable in my own skin. I've let a lot of things go and forgiven a lot of people. I tell ya kids, harboring your anger and pain is no good. It'll ruin you. I am changed and smiling doesn't hurt. I've finally stopped putting my self-worth in other people's hands. God, it feels good to be alive. And now, a bit of ranting, a bit of nonsense and my soul in words.

In class yesterday, John Duffy (Duffier) gave a speech on drugs. He felt that drugs should be legalized so that they could be more controlled. No offense to anyone Christian, but one guy in the room started yelling about how offended he was and how as a Christian this is completely immoral. He refused to look at any kind of validation this theory might have. He refused to take an objective standpoint and kept screaming religion. In this case in particular, I think it had little to... ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/9599720/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/9599720/ Fri, 04 Aug 2006 15:48:09 PDT ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8916506/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8916506/ Mon, 29 May 2006 22:57:40 PDT
As of May 20, 2006, I am officially engaged to Alex. He was crowned at Corination and as his first act of office, he proposed. In front of 67 people, on bended knee and all, and I gladly said yes. We found an apartment and we're moving in July 1st. John has found himself and is gladly giving me away.

So much false concern from my pseudo-friends. "We don't see you enough anymore. Who are we supposed to dump our problems on? Who are we supposed to get rides from?" Blah, blah, blah...the walls are up. And I have nothing to give. My personality has gone haywire. My soul on paper. I have a letter/poem to post, but I'm wary of sharing it with anyone. So much in this world is unknown. All of my DnD characters have mental defects...that reflect me. Talus has gone, and what has replaced her is dark...and light. It is balance...I am Windwalker and Deathbringer. I am the joy and pain. I have achieved homeostasis. I am more human and less than anyone else. I am singular. I will always and never be alone. Control. So many voices...so many differnt aspects of the subconsious, but only room for three at a time. I love me. I love him. Life is good. ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8735660/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8735660/ Wed, 10 May 2006 23:03:43 PDT
At the time I couldn't understand, I couldn't believe. Now I know better. I know that once again I need to evaluate every relationship I'm engaged in and cut off the excess. Remove every parasite that can't support me and love me like I deserve. I am me and you are you and we are not we together. It is done. The bond that ties is severed. No more will I walk with anyone in my dreams...being alone is comfortable. I know that I can rely on myself. I am safe.

I will keep Alex, he takes care of the money and is learning how to emotionally support me. He loves me and wants to give me the world & is working to give it to me. He's doing everything that reminds me of why I first loved him. It's amazing. Now if everyone else could take a lesson from my fiance who people call the devil. He saved me once and is doing so again. I've waited for such a long time for someone to pick up that shattered girl off of the floor and kiss it and make it better. No one ever could. It's taken dozens and dozens of people to make it just a fraction better. Alex can kiss it all away. I can actually find some peace of mind.

Choices. For every action there is an equal yet opposite reaction. Karma is a bitch. Love is composed of one soul inhabiting two bodies. There is no suffering: neutral things happen to people and people percieve them in a negative or positive way.

Thank you Buddha, Aristotle and Alaric Mangone.

Good night, kids. May flights of angels wing you to your dreams. ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8647268/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8647268/ Mon, 01 May 2006 23:14:07 PDT
He wants me to travel...for Amtgard. I want to travel in the summer when I'm not in school for pleasure. He is so resentful that he doesn't get to have his dream. I've realized I hate the person I've chosen to turn myself into for him and want to take back every dream I cast aside to make time for him...so, I'm writing. ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8526310/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8526310/ Wed, 19 Apr 2006 22:43:23 PDT Do you ever just feel...like it's too much? I'm sick lately and tired and lonely. I'm trying so hard...but what the hell am I trying for? I mean, in everything. I'm an over-achiever...but what is the point? Why do I have to try to make everything better? Why don't I just throw it all down, say "Fuck you." and let it be someone else's problem?

Because no one else ever picks up the pieces. I'm tearing myself apart inside and some days, there just isn't anything there. John and I drift farther and farther apart. Squee is trying so hard to hold on to me, but how do you hold on to someone who isn't there? Alaric is leaving...people leave a lot. I like that name...Alaric. I'm going to have a son, name him D'Artagnan, call him Dar for short and get him ferrets named Kodo & Podo.

*sigh* Stream of thought. It's funny, I haven't been writing lately, but I can type. Hmm...how many times is a person allowed to break your heart? Isn't there some number? John's hurt me a lot. Alex, well, he's hurt me in more ways than a person should capable of. People hurt...it sucks. Why am I trying to save a humanity that thinks love is a theory? Choices...these are all the choices that I make, I'm just bitching about the repercussions. Obligation...still paying for crimes of long ago. I feel so unwanted...so unimportant.

I found out the other day that 2 months ago Alex encouraged a minor to strip and kept it from me...we have such a good relationship. I'm an idiot. All you need is love, right? Love is just a game.

Oh yeah...and it's 4:20 and I'm surrounded by temptation. I've been drinking lately...everything is so hard to get away from...meow ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8474813/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8474813/ Sat, 15 Apr 2006 01:18:43 PDT ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8290413/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8290413/ Tue, 28 Mar 2006 00:40:11 PST ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8244334/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8244334/ Thu, 23 Mar 2006 09:09:42 PST About a week or so...he didn't listen when I said no...again. We went camping after that. My Squee is back from Chicago. Please forgive the random stream of thought. Eomer and I bonded. John and I saw Coach P. ANd I left my fiance...yeah ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8079424/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/8079424/ Sun, 05 Mar 2006 23:06:50 PST
John turned 21 Thursday. Wed. night we were sparring and talking about this hard-core wacky dream I had when my alarm went off declaring midnight and the first minute of his day. We bought liquor. John ended up buying liquor for most of his friends save me...some friends we have. And he said the words I waited four years to hear. He wants me. we talked about Alex...how I'm not ready to leave him, nothing will change that yet. I told him to sleep on what he was asking from me and that we'd talk about it later.
the next morning I ran around with Bob looking for presents for john. Alex refused to go. We sat at my house the three of us and went bowling. Everyone else disappeared and went to play D&D. Which btw I'm not playing anymore b/c my significant other doesn't like how I play.
I asked John if he thought about it. What he wanted. All the details. It was decided I wouldn't tell Xander...and that nothing would change. I was so worried...being his first. but for the first time in my life, for two hours, I was complete. It is an amazing thing when your soul-mate and you are one, even if it is only momentary. Nothing's changed...john's still John, I'm still me...and Alex still treats me like shit.
Maybe tomorrow he'll wake up and appreciate me... ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/7986091/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/7986091/ Thu, 23 Feb 2006 23:30:35 PST
I had an awesome night last night though. Xander's best friend Richter invited us over for dinner, but boyfriend stood me up for Amtgard (shocking, no?) so I went by myself. And for the first time in two years, I felt like I belonged. I didn't have to say anything or do anything or drink anything or smoke anything, I just sat with this awesome group of people (who were all between 5-15 yrs. older than me) and existed. For the first time in two years I wasn't anxious or worried. I had peace of mind. It was only for two hours...but it was lovely. I'm very tired...

I'm on this health kick. I realize that if I took better care of myself and my body I wouldn't feel like crap. So at least three meals a day instead of a bowl of cereal, more water and 1/2 an hour of fun exercise (if it isn't fun, what the heck is the motivation to do it?!). I'm doing pretty good so far. Well, I'm off. I'm playing Princess Tigerlily in the Finding Neverland quest on Sunday & I have to sew an outfit. Buh bye.

~Jynn ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/7851979/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/7851979/ Fri, 10 Feb 2006 00:20:38 PST
So no Suncoast=happy Jynn...right?

No Suncoast+Xander=Jynn realizes her job was just a lil stressful & boyfriends are excess baggage.

My Granpa is in the hospital...he broke an ankle.
My mom came home today and sobbed in my lap...then I went to visit my Grandpa. I picked up Xander...we sat in silence...took him home.
Then I watched T.V....YAY!
Um...played a poopy game of D&D because Xander can't DM.
Sorta fought with him. He felt that I was in a bad mood and that I ruined his night. I apologized for being emotional after my mother cried in my lap & I visited the man who nearly raised me in the hospital.
I took him back home...watched ER...talked to my Daddy.
Went out with John...talked a lot. Rambled really. I kept repeating myself. He says I'll probably find most of my five senses somewhere...maybe with my marbles. So if anyone sees them around, let me know...yup.

P.S. Somewhere in today I remembered to eat food....YAAAY! ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/7785439/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/7785439/ Thu, 02 Feb 2006 21:05:09 PST Xander isn't supporting my decision. Ya know, when he put his 2 weeks notice in, and didn't look for a job, I stood by him. But jere I am, quitting, pretty much with another job already lined up and I'm, "just being silly."
Erg...this sucks...I'm depressed...ack.

~Jynn ]]> ~tearzsting http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/7717718/ http://tearzsting.deviantart.com/journal/7717718/ Thu, 26 Jan 2006 20:26:00 PST
It's late, I'm tired, I'm pissy. I'm getting fairly ill from stress. I've got these constant headaches, nausea, I'm sore all over, and I'm constantly tired.
Hell, if I didn't know any better I'd think I was pregnant...but I know better.

I wish Xander appreciated me...but they never do, do they?
I don't want to do this right now. Maybe some other day. So...yeah. I'm Jynn. Hi. Welcome to the rantings of a madwoman. ]]> ~tearzsting