http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:thetenutso&section=today deviantART RSS for by:thetenutso en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 03 Dec 2009 07:22:07 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4572790/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4572790/ Sun, 13 Feb 2005 18:38:10 PST
Tried to get into the "loving spirit" a bit better this year.

Was making cookies and brownies and fudge and stuff for all my friends.

Cookies didn't turn out very good.
Fudge didn't seem to turn out at all.
Couldn't find the stuff I needed for the peppermint patties.
Don't have time for the peanut butter balls, nor do I have enough of the dipping chocolate.

Was going to just stick with the brownies, since I can normally do pretty well with those.
But I don't seem to have enough stuff left to do the brownies now.

So I've got all these people planning on meeting me in between their classes and work and all that stuff.
And I have nothing.

Bah. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4325760/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4325760/ Sat, 15 Jan 2005 09:59:47 PST I was getting a bit worried because it was taking so long.
But they said everything came back really good.
I'm clean.
No cancer. No babies. No diseases.
I have to go back in a couple more months to be tested again.
So that they can monitor everything and make sure nothing comes up.
I've still not been feeling very well.
But at least all that's out of the way for a while. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4027997/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4027997/ Thu, 09 Dec 2004 14:58:54 PST All the girl could tell me about it then was that one of my ovaries and my uterus were backwards and tilted downward.
Today I had a follow-up and had to do some more tests.
My uterus is heart-shaped.
The muscles are growing inward, like it's caving in.
It will make it very hard for me to ever have a baby.
I still have to wait for few more days for the results from the rest of the tests.

I swear God is punishing me for something.
But I have no idea what I could have done that was bad enough to be worth all this.
But it will get better.
Right? ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4023198/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4023198/ Wed, 08 Dec 2004 22:06:49 PST I can't sleep.
I'm getting so hungry.
I really wish I could just go to sleep. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4023128/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4023128/ Wed, 08 Dec 2004 21:53:13 PST I thought it would get better, but it just kept getting worse.
I tried going to the doctor about it one day, but they couldn't get me in for like two weeks.
I was having a really bad day that day anyway, and I was writing a letter to no one inparticular trying to vent some stuff that had built up pretty badly inside me.
I got into some drinks that my bf had in the kitchen.
And I had taken some pain medication that I had been given by the doctor for my stomach cramps, thinking it might help the pain a bit.
I'm not a drinker. And I hadn't been able to eat anything in several hours.
I got a bit carried away with the alcohol. And then took some more pills without really thinking about what I was doing.
I overdosed on them. Badly. And of course, with a bit too much alcohol in my system.
I went to sleep on the couch.
Then later I could barely stand up and ending up falling over in the floor because I was hurting so badly.
Mom took me to the emergency room.
They thought they were going to have to pump my stomach.
They said my bf waking me up when he came in from work probably saved my life.
They did some tests on me to find out why I was hurting so badly.
It turned out that my cervix was badly infected.
But they didn't know why or how or anything.
They gave me some antibiotics and said it should clear up.
But it did only for like a week.
And then it came back much worse.
They said that it could turn into cancer.
They said that I may not be able to have kids.
They can't figure out what's causing it. Or why it keeps getting so much worse.
I've never been in so much pain in my life.
They are watching for it to turn into cancer.
They told me that I could be facing a hysterectomy before I turn 19.
My bf and I broke up not long after the first hospital visit when I overdosed.
But we've been talking and working things out since then.
So it's kinda like we're together and everything again, but just without the "titles" right now.
In the midst of all this, things got a bit too carried away....
Not only did this hurt me very badly physically and make things worse down there, it got to me very badly emotionally as well because I wasn't ready for it, it caused some majorly bad flashbacks of when I was raped, and I had promised myself that I would wait until marriage.
Now, not only am I facing cancer and a hysterectomy...
the doctors think I'm pregnant with a baby that my body can't carry.
Today they found out that my uterus and one of my ovaries are backwards.
But I have to wait until tomorrow to find out anything more than that.

All of this, and a nerve disorder that messes with my breathing, before I'm even 19.

I've never been in so much pain in my life.
Even being repeatedly raped when I was four didn't compare to this.

But something good will come.
And things will get better.
Right? ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4022897/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/4022897/ Wed, 08 Dec 2004 21:16:14 PST
And now dA seems to have lost it.

So now I have to go back and retype all of it.

Grrr. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3720266/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3720266/ Sun, 31 Oct 2004 21:30:01 PST Don't want to feel anymore.
Want to curl up in a hole.
And cry. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3690093/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3690093/ Wed, 27 Oct 2004 20:48:42 PDT
I'm not sure I understand.

Maybe in time....

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna give it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never bring it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you've gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3682665/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3682665/ Tue, 26 Oct 2004 20:52:47 PDT
A few on here.

All of them are in my yahoo photos thing.

But I'm not sure how to link that to here so it's easier to see them all.

My yahoo sn is the_tenutso if anyone that wants to see knows how to get into that. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3681330/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3681330/ Tue, 26 Oct 2004 17:54:48 PDT
Decided to work on some pictures for my portfolio.

Found a pretty nice wildlife reserve.

Took lots of nice pictures.

Shall upload them soon. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3655558/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3655558/ Sat, 23 Oct 2004 11:59:29 PDT Still hurting though.
Have to see the doctor again next week.
To see if the antibiotics worked.
And if there were any cancerous changes.

Apparently I got quite upset when I was drinking the day I overdosed and started writing some stuff.
Pretty rough stuff.
I think they said it was like a letter to the guy that raped me when I was little or something.
I haven't actually seen it so I don't know.
So I had to start *therapy* yesterday.
Start going every Wednesday afternoon for a while.
Not as bad as the last place I got sent to.
That last woman was nuttier than they were saying I was.
I like this woman though.
She started crying though.

Things feel like they are starting to go a bit better.
And I'm starting to get back into my drawing and stuff.
So that's good.
Maybe I can keep at it this time.
And start doing good stuff. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3557884/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/3557884/ Sun, 10 Oct 2004 14:21:59 PDT Wednesday I ended up overdosing on pain killers. And I was drinking at the time, which is very unlike me.
Had to go to the emergency room.
They told me I was lucky my boyfriend came home and tried to wake me up. Otherwise I might not have made it.
They had to do some tests and stuff to figure out why I was hurting so badly.
They had to do a pelvic exam, and I cried because it hurt me even more.
My cervix is infected pretty badly.
They don't know what caused it.
Or how bad it is.
If the antibiotics don't work or if it comes back, there is a good chance I won't be able to have kids.
The infection can spread into my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
Fill everything with fluid and pus.
Twist everything up pretty bad.
Lots of abcesses and adhesions.
Inflammation around my liver.
Cervical cancer.
Lots of pretty bad stuff.
If it gets worse I may not be able to have kids.
If it does and I did end up pregnant I wouldn't be able to carry and birth the baby.
All this when I'm only 18 with my whole life ahead of me.
Isn't life just lovely? ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/2819364/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/2819364/ Tue, 06 Jul 2004 17:47:32 PDT ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/2551401/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/2551401/ Mon, 31 May 2004 15:29:40 PDT It's finally over. I don't have to get up early and sit through all those boring classes anymore.
It's kinda sad though.
I'm going to miss the few real friends I had, and even some that weren't friends but that made things interesting.
It's hard to believe that it's over now and I won't be waking up early and going back again.
Oh well.
It's on to bigger and better things now. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/2247535/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/2247535/ Sun, 18 Apr 2004 08:28:29 PDT
Mom wasn't taking the possibility of my sister being pregnant very easily. So she took both of us to the doctor so that my sister wouldn't think something was going on and try to refuse to go. It turned out that she wasn't pregnant, and it was just something hormonal or something like that. Mom had both of us put on birth control to try to avoid future problems like that.

My sister still won't say anything about what really happened. When they finally asked her about the poem, she said that she just made it up. She denies everything like he has threatened her or something. But since she won't say anything, we can't do anything about him.

The look on her face when she saw me read the poem, and the look on her face when she tries to deny it make me think that she is lying about it to try to protect someone. I don't know if that someone is her or him. I just find it rather odd that she says it's not true and that she just made all that up. But she is still afraid to sleep at night. She is afraid to change into her pjs at night. She still gets nervous and freaks out when people get close or touch her. She thinks that she's always dirty and that she has become some sort of monster.

Why would she still be acting like that if it wasn't true? She knows that I know her well enough to see through all this. Not only can I read her and see through her, but I've been through all this before. I know what she's going through, and why she does some of the things that she has been doing. But she still won't say anything to me.

This guy knows that I know about it and that I get really upset around him because of it. There was a party at the firehall last weekend, and he was supposed to be out there. He came by where I work. He came through the drivethru and was being a bit rude on the speaker. When I saw the front end of his blazer it really got to me. I started shaking and I couldn't handle it. When he started pulling around to the window and I saw his face I made the manager finish the order for me. He had that smirky shiteating grin on his face again because he knows that he is untouchable. I broke down. I couldn't handle it. I had to go find something to do to keep me away from there. But I was shaking so badly that I couldn't do anything. The color left my face when I saw him. Then I turned a purple color. My hands were purple and completely numb. I was shaking really badly. I was shaking for over an hour. I had completely lost my appetite so I couldn't even eat the ice cream that a friend had brought me.

Mom called a little bit after that to see if I had heard from my sister. The manager was going to let me leave to pick her up from that party if anything got started up there since he was supposed to be there too. I guess she got mad because he was coming around me like that. She was pretty upset about it.

She went to this guy's house to talk to his parents about everything. They took the poems with them so that they could read them too. His mom says there is no way that he could have been over here because his girlfriend was there that night and he had to take her home. Then he was supposedly back home by 1 that morning according to his dad. They refuse to believe any of it because their son is a perfect little angel that never does any wrong.

Mom went back out to the firehall. She ended up in a huge fight with my sister and two ladies from the firehall and two of tbe boys. The ladies are blaming my mom for what happened.and telling her that she should be doing something about it and she should have done something about it before. But they knew about it before mom had any idea, and they refused to say anything about it so that something could be done. One of them got mad because Mikey and I had been talking about going after him. She knew that Mikey had been talking to me a lot because he was so upset about all of it. She called his mom about it. So now I'm not allowed to be around him or to speak to him. Like I am the bad guy here. What kind of shit is that?

The lady that got all that trouble started keeps getting on my case about just letting everything go and just leaving him alone because people know how he is. People don't know that about him. And something like that is not that easy to just let go. You guys know that you couldn't just let it go if it was your daughter or your baby sister, especially if you had been through that nightmare yourself. My mom went to see someone at this guy's school about something else last week when we went to the doctor. We had to go with her because of going to the doctor. The first person I saw when I walked in the door was him. He turned around and looked straight at me.... ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/2170576/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/2170576/ Wed, 07 Apr 2004 09:27:51 PDT
I told you guys I would keep you posted about how things were going and how I was doing, but I didn't do that.

Things got really bad for a while. Really bad isn't even the word for it. I was on the verge of a breakdown again.

And then I started getting better when one of my best friends came home from boot camp. I've not seen him or talked to him in almost 2 years, but he's finally home now. And his family moved to a much nicer area that's much closer to my house.

Things were really looking up and I was overcoming a lot of my demons and really getting better.

And then I found out that my sister was raped by her ex on New Years Eve in the churchyard across from my house. I knew she went over there to talk to him that night but I didn't anything because I was trying to be the nice sister that doesn't get her in trouble. And she didn't know that I knew she went over there.

Well it turns out that he had more in mind than "talking."

But she won't tell anyone so that something can be done about him. She told two of her guy friends because they made her tell them about it, and they will do anything she asks of them so they won't say anything. She has their hands tied.

I knew something was wrong other than just him running his mouth about her because of the way she pulled away from people if they got close enough to touch her. And just from the look in her eyes. I've been through all that before so I know that look very well. She also stopped wearing her pajamas. She used to always have them on. It would be almost 5:00 before she would take them off on the weekends. Now she is always sleeping in her clothes and won't wear them at all.

That guy started saying stuff about me too, and it made me mad that he was trying to use me to get to my sister like that. I told her and three of the guys from the firehall that I would kill him before all this was over with if he didn't leave her alone. But she kept saying not to worry about him because he wasn't worth it. She still wouldn't tell me what happened or why she didn't want me to go after him. But since she kept insisting on it, I tried to push it out of my mind for a while.

Then Friday at school she had written a poem about it and had typed it in her 1st period class. Some of the girls were reading it and said something about it being weird. They mentioned the name of it, and I jokingly said it must be about that guy. At this time all I knew was that he had been an ass to her for a while and that we all hated him. When I said that, every bit of color drained from her face and she turned her head. The girls handed it to me and told me to read it because it was "just so weird." She got scared and didn't want me to read it but it was already in my hand so she couldn't get it back yet. She had that look on her face because she knew that I can see through her better than those ditzy girls and I guess she knew that I would figure it out.

I knew something was wrong because of her reaction. So I decided to just read it anyway even though she didn't want me to. And then I just wouldn't say anything about it and I would act like it was just a "weird" poem. So I started reading....

The Evil From Within

You came to me that night
in hopes to put your mind at ease
You didn’t know what else to do
but prove your love to me

You wrapped your arms around me
pulling me in so near
you kissed my cheek softly
then whispered into my ear

“ I know I took your love for granted
and I didn’t always treat you right
but if you’ll just let me in
I’ll give you my love tonight “

You took my hand in yours
and into my eyes began to stare
you pressed your lips gently to my face
then ran your fingers slowly through my hair

You spoke of how we came together
then of when we fell apart
you said you wanted us to try over
and thought making love would be the best way to start

The part of me that still loves you
was longing for just your touch
and hoping to feel your love once again
but I’m afraid this time, you’re asking a bit too much

I knew I couldn’t bring myself to do it
and so I simply told you no
you were quiet for a moment
but your rage started to surface and then began to show

when you tried to kiss me, and I turned my head away
I watched your fists become clenched, but continued to refuse
your eyes turned to fire, while your insides began to burn
Your anger consumed your soul, as your patience was abused

I stared deep into the soul of the monster<... ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1840404/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1840404/ Fri, 13 Feb 2004 19:26:00 PST
It is beyond me how someone so young could think their life is so hard and messed up.

I never said or thought that my life was "so hard and messed up". There are just some things going on in my life that are hard for me to deal with right now. Just because I am young doesn't mean that everything is going to be easy for me to deal with.

Maybe they should spend 8 months in a hole...or maybe be pretty much disowned when they were going through dtz...or ran out of town for loving a girl from the wrong side of the tracks...or my personal favorite...seeing the burned disfigured flesh of foreign boys not much younger than myself and knowing I had a part in making them the way they were

Yeah, you had some rough times in your past. But I don't see what relevence this has to what is going on with me right now, or why you chose to throw that up in my face like that.

working all summer, and having to be put on medication, or going off to college, or not having the "perfect" life

I never wanted or expected a perfect life. I don't care that I worked all summer. I don't care that I'm leaving for college. I want to work, and I want to go to college. You don't know what you are talking about or how I feel about those so don't even try to go there. That has nothing to do with stuff being hard for me. That has nothing to do with whatever point you are trying to make.

well kiss my fat ass. some people have no clue how shitty life can be. yes, i have seen fire and rain so others would not have to, but nowadays i just dont know if it was worth it or not

Kiss your fat ass? Why? What did I do to you? All I have done is have a hard time dealing with stuff. You don't know if it was worth it or not. You think it wasn't worth it because I'm having a hard time dealing?

some people can't handle the truth

"Well kiss my fat ass" is your truth? How is that truth? It sounds to me like you are the one having a hard time dealing with some of the truth in your own life.

Yes! It was hell! I have scars both physical and mental...mine forever!

I'm sure it really was hell. I couldn't imagine trying to do anything like you did in Desert Storm. Yeah you do have scars, and yeah they are yours. But so do I. I have scars, and they are mine too.

it seems to me, you always seek the truth, yet now that you know the truth, you have ill feelings about it

What truth do you seem to think you have revealed to me? I have no ill feelings about truth. Yes, I do have ill feelings. You told me that one of the things you loved most about me was that I listen....I don't intervene with what I think, I just listen....and I never judge you. It's not my place to judge you or what you feel or what you have been through. I have ill feelings, not because of some supposed truth, but because you were supposed to be my friend. When I needed someone to listen, you couldn't return that same respect that I showed you.

Your family may fight...they are together. I have been in the middle of fist fights between my parents.

Yeah my family fights. So do other families, so that's no big deal right? No my family is not together. I can deal with fist fights. What I can not deal with is listening to the hatred between my family. It's not my parents. It's the whole fucking family. I have to listen to my family cut each other down and talk about how badly they hate each other and wish the other were dead. I'm 17 and about to leave home for college. I couldn't enjoy one last family holiday dinner together because my family is torn apart and they refuse to be around each other. Just like the situation with my papa. My papa left me and refuses to come back because my granny told him that he needs to die. He needs to die and leave his will to my uncle. You know how badly that tore me apart. Maybe all of that is not a big deal to you, but my family is my world, and it means a lot to me. I was raised to respect and love everyone, no matter who they are or what they have done. It's hard for me to the loving person I was raised to be when I am surrounded by so much hatred. I might as well not even have a family with the way they treat each other. I would rather not have a family at all than to have a family that treats each other like the rotted dog shit on their shoes.

You don't want to take medicine because you think it will make you lose your mind? I take medicine so I don't. I think you feel if you take medicine, people will talk about you....SO WHAT!

No I don't think it will make me lose my mind. No I don't thi... ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1806994/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1806994/ Sat, 07 Feb 2004 05:26:35 PST
You said you loved me. You wanted to be there for me.

But when I was having a hard time and just needed a little space so that I could deal, you couldn't understand that.

I wasn't dealing very well. I needed a little space. I needed to figure things out.

Sometimes I was a little distant from everyone because I was upset or not dealing well, and I didn't want to hurt anyone.

But you didn't understand.

And you wouldn't tell me.

You wouldn't tell me how I was acting toward them. You wouldn't tell me that it was hurting them. You wouldn't tell me that it was hurting you.

You let me go on being this monster that I have become.

And never said a word. Not one fucking word. You just couldn't find the right time.

So you gave up on me.

You said you loved me.

But now that I've become this monster you can't bring yourself to love me anymore.

Because you didn't know you would get attached to me.

Because you weren't supposed to fall in love with me.

I guess I was just a bad mistake.

Or just something to play with until you got bored.

Something for you to get over so easily...like it never meant anything to begin with.

You knew I was weak and that I was hurting. You knew I was having a hard time dealing so you dropped another load on for me to try dealing with.

Now the monster gets to hurt some more, and try harder to deal with things alone.

I hate that you can still get to me like this. I want to hate you.

I want you to know what it feels like.

You said you loved me.

Why is it so wrong for me to have a hard time dealing with things?

Why is it so wrong for me to be loved? What is so fucking wrong with me that makes loving me so bad?

Why do I always do everything so fucking wrong?

Why do I let you get to me like this?

I'm sorry I'm not very good at dealing with stuff.

I'm sorry I've not ever had to deal with it all before.

I'm sorry I can't just go get wasted and forget about everything and think that will make it all better.

I'm sorry I try to keep my distance so that I don't hurt the people I love.

I'm sorry I can't always come to you about my problems.

I'm sorry I'm worthless and not supposed to be loved.

I'm sorry I couldn't warn you from falling in love with me.

I'm sorry I just don't understand.

I'm sorry I couldn't keep your world so happy for you because I was trying to keep mine from falling apart.

I'm sorry I was finally pushed so far past my breaking point.

I'm sorry I cared about you so much. I'm sorry I tried to get better for you.

I'm sorry I went against everything I believed in and went through hell to try to get better for you.

I'm sorry I couldn't already be better to begin with.

I'm sorry I can't do everything right.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more happy about my whole fucking life falling apart.

I'm sorry that I'm this horrible monster that I've become.

I'm sorry I keep letting you get to me the way you do.

I'm sorry I can't erase and forget all my feelings for you like you've so easily done with yours.

I'm sorry I can't bring myself to hate you.

I'm sorry I couldn't meet your expectations of your perfert Southern girl.

I'm sorry I just wasn't good enough for you.

I'm sorry I fucked your life up.

I'm sorry....I'm....I'm just sorry. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1794909/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1794909/ Wed, 04 Feb 2004 18:25:58 PST
I did a lot of thinking. I've been doing quite a bit of that lately. Maybe more than I should about some things...and some people.

It was raining and foggy. Kinda fit how I was feeling.

The more I thought...the more I wanted to cry...and then this song by Hoobastank came on the radio....and I started crying....

i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i'm sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear

i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you

Just like the weather at the moment, this song kinda fit how I was feeling too.

I think I'm gonna go now. I'm starting to think again. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1794609/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1794609/ Wed, 04 Feb 2004 17:34:13 PST
I did a lot of thinking. I've been doing quite a bit of that lately. Maybe more than I should about some things...and some people.

It was raining and foggy. Kinda fit how I was feeling.

The more I thought...the more I wanted to cry...and then this song by Hoobastank came on the radio....and I started crying....

i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i'm sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear

i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you

Just like the weather at the moment, this song kinda fit how I was feeling too.

I think I'm gonna go now. I'm starting to think again. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1779586/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1779586/ Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:53:34 PST

I'm still leaving. But first I need to clarify some things.

Yes. I am leaving. Don't ask me why. Don't ask me where. It's just something that I must do.

Yes. I know I cannot run from my problems. I am not running, nor am I trying to. I am just trying to deal with things the best way that I can before they get the best of me.

They are not your problems to question or criticize. No you don't know what I am feeling. No I cannot and will not explain it to you. And no you will not understand. You don't need to understand. We all deal differently. That's all you need to understand right now.

Don't try telling me I need to do this or I don't need to do that. Don't keep giving me your "well I think this" or " maybe it's that" bullshit. Why? Because it's my life...my problems...and I'm the one that knows what I'm feeling, and I'm the one that has to do something about it. You can't do it for me. You can't keep me from making mistakes. That's just part of life.

Don't criticize me or judge me just because you don't like something I do or don't understand it. I don't have to have reasons and explanations for everything for you.

So I quit the firehall. That doesn't mean that I have to give everyone a good explanation. All you need to know is that I'm done. I'm not having a "mad fit", and no I am not going to come crawling back. I'm not cut out to be a firefighter. I just don't have it in me to do it anymore. Yeah it does feel like I've ripped my heart out and thrown it on that cold floor with my gear bag. But that will heal....and in time the rest of me will be numb like now. And it doesn't mean that I regret it or will change it.

So I want to go to Germany. Or Austria. Or Italy. What's so wrong with that? Because I don't want to stay here? Because I want to be different? Because I want to get out on my own and make something of myself? Why does that have to mean that I'm running? I'm not running from anything. I'm trying to live out my dreams. I'm having a rough time right now, so that means that I'm no longer allowed to have dreams? I don't criticize and try to shatter your dreams, so leave mine alone. You don't have to understand for it to be right. There's nothing there for you to understand.

So I don't want to be a model anymore. So I think I'm ugly. Big fucking deal. Yes I am very aware that my scars are small and will heal in time. But I am also very aware that it's not what you feel that matters. You didn't wake up on that cold floor not knowing where you were or what was going on. You don't know the horror I saw and felt when I saw my blood covered face in the mirror as I choked on my own fucking blood. You didn't clean your face off that floor. You didn't have to see that horrible demonic bloody fucking face everytime you closed your eyes. Yeah I feel ugly. Whether I am or not doesn't matter. That's just how I feel. I don't have the heart for modeling anymore. I guess I choked that up all over myself that day too. You can't decide how I should feel. You can't tell me I'm wrong. You can't change my mind.

So I'm an artist. I like to express myself creatively through various methods. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just how I feel and how I vent. You have things that you like and that help you feel better. I have mine. You are allowed to have your own feelings. So why aren't I? Why am I wrong for drawing or writing stuff that you don't like or understand? I understand it, and it gets it out of me. Would you rather me fall into drugs or sex to try to make myself feel better? Maybe then I can do something more acceptable to you.

So I don't always feel like talking. I'm not always a talkative person. Everyone is allowed bad days. Why can't I? Why am I bad for being quiet? I like to watch and observe rather than run my mouth. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. So does that mean I'm wrong?

So I'm kinda skinny and I don't like makeup. Why is that so bad? When did being thin make me a bad person? I don't starve myself. I don't make myself be thin. It's just how I am. I don't eat junk food because I don't like it. I work out because I like it and it helps relieve stress. Not to force myself to be some certain size or shape.... ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1778105/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1778105/ Sun, 01 Feb 2004 14:45:25 PST I tried even harder every time when things got worse.
I kept getting closer and closer to the edge...to my breaking point...no matter how hard I tried.
I was scared. I was scared shitless. I couldn't stand the thought of reaching that breaking point. I didn't know what it held. Or what was beyond it.
But now....
I was there. Right at the very edge of my breaking point.
You knew I was hurting, and you knew I was weak.
But you pushed me anyway. While I was down and defenseless.
You pushed me beyond that breaking point.
Now I don't know what to do.
I've never been here. I've never been like this.
I've never hurt this bad.
I've never been so broken and empty.
I actually felt myself breaking inside. Like shattering glass. A slow painful shattering.
I don't even feel human anymore.
And I have you to thank.
Thank you very much. For showing me how much you truly care.
I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate hurting like this.
I hate that you don't know what it feels like.
I want to hate you.
I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to be around you.
I don't even want to look at you.
I want to hate you.
I want you to feel some of my pain.
But that would mean I would have to be like you.
I will not be like you.
I will not let you keep me down like this.
It will take some time, but I will get better.
Even if you don't want to be there for me.
Even if you don't care or don't want to help.
Even if you promised, and you let those promises fall through.
I don't need you to be there.
I don't need you to catch me when I fall.
I don't need you to love me.
I will get better.
I refuse to give up. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1727520/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1727520/ Fri, 23 Jan 2004 03:45:59 PST
Mr. Webster wants to teach us something. It's nothing hard or complicated. Just a simple little thing called TRUST.



Trust.

the noun:

- a reliance on the integrity, veracity, or reliability of a person or thing.

- something committed to one’s care for use or safekeeping.

- the state or position of one who has received an important charge.

- confident expectation; hope.

the verb:

- to commit to the care of another; entrust.

- to commit something to the care of

- to allow to do something without fear of consequences

- to expect; hope

- to believe

- to place trust or confidence in; rely

- to depend upon; confide in



When I was growing up, I was always taught that a person that is not good for their word is not good for much of anything. If you can't trust them, you don't need them.

Trust is like glass. Once it's broken, it can never be like it once was. It can't be put back together.

I don't know about you, but with all that I've been through in my life, it is very hard for me to be able to trust people. I trust almost no one. Not family. Not many friends. Sometimes not even myself.

There is one who I have grown to trust very much. More than I have ever trusted anyone. You know who you are.

You knew I was hurting. You knew I was weak and very vulnerable. More than I have been in a very long time.

You let me trust you and believe in you. Believe that I was safe.

You let me pour my heart out to you.

You lied. You betrayed me. You broke that trust that took so long to form.

Do you know what betrayal feels like?

It feels like I've been beaten and raped and thrown out in the rain to die.

Do you know what that feels like?

Do you know what it feels like to have the ONE person that you trust turn around and tear what's left of your shattered heart out like that?

You said everything was okay now. It's okay because you worked things out.

But that only made things okay for you. What about me?

Everything is not okay for me. It's not even close to okay.

How can you say everything is so fucking okay? ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1699058/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1699058/ Sun, 18 Jan 2004 04:52:51 PST
Howdy!Well,I finally got some time alone so I can get some things off my chest.If my emails have seemed kind of weird lately,there's a reason.Someone started reading my email.I don't think I have to say who.I wasn't suppose to say anything to you about it,because she didn't want you to feel weird when she's around.Like I have said before,I didn't plan on feeling the way I do about you,it just came to be.Also like I've said before I don't know if you feel anything but friendship for me,and I may never know.If destiny has it,maybe you do and maybe you don't.I do know when you said you were going to try and get into school early,my heart sank.Although I know I will have to deal with it sooner or later,I would much rather it be later.I'm sorry if I have been being kind of distant lately,but I'm trying to protect everyone.Like I've said if anyone should suffer,it should be me,not anyone else.I love my wife,but you are in my heart too.I'm going to try and get in to see you again soon.I do miss you.You seem to speak my language.I talk and you always listen without saying that you need anything out of the deal.I never have to compromise with you.I can always talk to you.Maybe somewhere down the road destiny may have something in store for you and I....I don't know.I do ask only one thing of you now...if you don't feel anything for me but friendship,please tell me now.That way I can deal with it and move on.Don't worry,we will always be friends and I will always be there for you.That is one thing I am sure of.Oh and one more thing before I go.Don't worry about anything,kim and I have talked and everything is ok now.I think she just misunderstood some things.Well,I think I better go now.I'll talk to you later.


What do you say to something like that? He's one of very very few that I trust. And now it seems that I can't trust him either. I don't even know what to say to him. I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm going to work now. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1692689/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1692689/ Fri, 16 Jan 2004 21:52:28 PST
I also have to have my portfolio done. I wasn't doing any good with my mom's camera. Then it needed new batteries. Two weeks and no camera is not a good combination.

My boyfriend's mom talked to her nephew, our former fire chief, about it that today. He talked to some friends of his and got a camera for me to use for my portfolio for as long as I need it.

It's some Olympia something. It's pretty nice.

But now I have a problem.

I have this nice fancy equipment sitting in front of me waiting on me to use it......and I have absolutely no idea how to use it. I don't know how to turn it on...or if it even turns on.

This is so bad........ ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1657164/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1657164/ Sat, 10 Jan 2004 12:11:11 PST
Yeah...I know...it's been a while. But I know you are still up there listening somewhere....

Lately everyone has gone crazy about New Year's resolutions. Personally, I think it's pointless crap. ~Oh wait...can I say crap to you?~ Why the big fuss over something that's going to last only a week? What a waste of time and brainpower that some seem to already be lacking.

Everyone's telling me how grand the New Year is. I can start over....be thankful...reaffirm my belief.... They said I shouldn't give up or lose faith. Well, I'll clear something up for you. There's nothing left to give up on. And my faith is not lost, just rather tainted.

I know most people are just trying to do good. But honestly....I'm really tired of all the Pilgrim speeches. But hey, it's a New Year, right? Let's make it a bit more grand! I'll slide on some Pilgrim shoes, and we'll all have a shot of thanksgiving.

Thank you for my wonderful friends. They are so awesome! It's so great of them to stop talking to me and get mad because I feel like I'm ugly. I mean after all, it's not like I fell and busted my face and ruin my dreams or anything. That's so supportive of them to abandon me when I need them the most. What better friends could one ask for?

Thank you for my loving family. They are oozing with love so much that they can't be in the same state as each other. It's so fun to watch their cute little games where the other one is dead and is run into another state or get killed. They even have cute little pet names like assholes, dead bitch, and adulterous slut. Holidays are a blast with them, let me tell you. It's great fun to have the gifts for someone hurled back at you because they are too caught up in the dead game.

Thank you for such supportive and understanding parents. It's so great the way they can't listen because they can't hear over their own mouths. They understand things so well...sometimes I don't know even know what it is. It's awesome when your parents don't even know who you really are.

Thank you for the docs. They work so hard. With all that hard work, it's just so hard to imagine that 5 years later, they still don't know what's wrong with me. Dr.Laura is the really great one. It's nice to have a headache, and then for the diagnosis...I'm disturbed because I don't like purple and my clouds were blue. I can really see the relevance in that one!

Enough of this whole Pilgrim scene. I'm gonna hurl.

Oh wait....thank you for keeping my friends from harm and pain. I wouldn't want them to have to suffer anything like I have done. I'd rather bare their pain, or at least help them bare their pain, than to leave them to deal alone. After all, isn't that what friends are for?

Welp, it's another day of school. I guess it's time to run. You have a great day up there on your cloud.


~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I was in a bit of a smartass mood when I wrote this. I didn't mean for it so seem to blasphemic. I wrote it with a few certain people in mind because I wanted them to see.... ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1556350/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1556350/ Fri, 19 Dec 2003 11:33:35 PST
How can you tell me that I am still beautiful, but then five minutes later you cannot even look at me?

How can you tell me you are here for me, but you don't even know that I exist?

Why can't I just hate you? I want to hate you so badly.
Why can't you feel some of my pain? I want you to feel pain too.

I want you to see what you do to me. To see that things aren't so perfect like you want to think they are. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1530871/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1530871/ Sat, 13 Dec 2003 20:24:46 PST
it's so nasty and ugly.

it's a long bloody trench in my face.

not just a line or cut.

a trench.

a bloody f*cking trench.

i hate it.

i never want to see it again.

i want to crawl in a hole and die.

i hate it.

i hate you.

i hate you ignoring me.

i hate you being an ass to me.

i hate everything.

i don't want christmas this year.

there is no christmas.

no christmas party.

nothing.

you ruined it.

you ruined every f*cking thing.




Sorry, just had some thoughts and feelings that I had to get out of my system. This seemed like as good a place as any. No, it's not a poem or anything of that sort. Just what was going through my head. The "you" I was refering to, you know who you are. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1530853/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1530853/ Sat, 13 Dec 2003 20:20:32 PST
it's so nasty and ugly.

it's a long bloody trench in my face.

not just a line or cut.

a trench.

a bloody f*cking trench.

i hate it.

i never want to see it again.

i want to crawl in a hole and die.

i hate it.

i hate you.

i hate you ignoring me.

i hate you being an ass to me.

i hate everything.

i don't want christmas this year.

there is no christmas.

no christmas party.

nothing.

you ruined it.

you ruined every f*cking thing.



Sorry. Just had some thoughts and feelings that I had to vent somewhere. This seemed like as good a place as any. No, it's not a poem or anything of the sort. It's just what was on my mind right now. The 'you' I was refering to....you know who you are. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1508115/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1508115/ Mon, 08 Dec 2003 17:24:06 PST
I had a firehall meeting Saturday night. The boys starting arguing about junior officers so I went outside because it was getting on my nerves. Then when I had time to cool down, we found out a close friend wrecked his car leaving my sister's birthday party. We left to go to the emergency room. Then we found out that he had hit our uncle just below our house.

When we got to the ER they still didn't know anything. Then they were sending our friend to another hospital. My sister got to go with one of the women from the firehall to the other hospital. Mom wouldn't let me go because I had to be at work at 9 the next morning. I didn't want to go back inside the hospital so I sat outside on the cold ground for about 20 minutes. I finally got home and in bed around 1 am.

I went in to work at 9. I was getting everything done so that I could walk over to Hardees and get some biscuits and gravy for breakfast. I had almost everything done except for the corn and two more tubs of tea. I took my hoodie off so that I could do the corn, and I went into the bathroom to put my hair up. I guess I passed out or something. I woke up in the floor choking in a puddle of blood about 15 or 20 minutes later.

One of the other guys walked around the corner as I was getting up and looking into the mirror. I had busted my face open around my mouth, and I had a big knot on my forehead. Blood was covering the whole left side of my face. I started crying when I saw my face. I'd rather have busted the side of my head so that the hair would grow back over it. The other boy was terrified and turned white. They tried calling my mom, but couldn't get an answer. They took me on to the ER.

They put 5 stitches next to my mouth and 4 in my chin. They took some blood to run some tests and gave me a tetnus shot.

I look horrible. I hope it doesn't scar very badly. My face is swollen, and its hard to eat. My mom made me some mashed potatoes last night. I can barely open the one side of my mouth that I can use. I stabbed myself in the lip trying to eat it. It was bad, but I guess also rather amusing.

I have to go back to school tomorrow. I don't think I want to, but I've missed too much already. I'm not ready to face all the stares and questions.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1407119/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1407119/ Sat, 15 Nov 2003 22:44:26 PST Lately they have been getting worse. There's so much going on and running through my head. I can't deal with it all. I broke down the week before last at the park with Bubba. I could do nothing but cry.
I finally went to the doctor about it. I told him everything. From the bad headaches to the bad nightmares to the unusual aggressiveness. The paranoia caused from Tylenol and other such medications. He didn't know what to say. He had never come across anything like that before.
He thinks I may have a brain tumor on the left side of my head. He wanted to have a CT done on it. The insurance declined it. He finally got an MRI arranged instead. I went for that yesterday. My results are supposed to be back Monday.
All my friends are worried about it being a tumor. They don't understand that all the pain I've already been through has broken me bad enough that it doesn't matter anymore. As long as they make the pain stop it doesn't matter what it is.
I just want it all to end. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1122397/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1122397/ Tue, 02 Sep 2003 17:49:13 PDT I know I'm not very good yet and I have a lot to learn, but I will do whatever it takes. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1062117/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/1062117/ Tue, 12 Aug 2003 18:45:59 PDT This summer has been great. Probably my best so far. I think a lot of it had to do with joining the firehall. I also have the bestest friends that helped a lot too.
My best friends John and Zack came over yesterday. They wanted to see our caves. So we went walking through the woods and caves to get some pictures so I can start putting my portfolio together. It was great fun, and I think we got some really good shots. It was really great when both of them picked me up onto their shoulders so that I could get a picture of a black and silver salamander in a crack in one of the caves. But then the camera wouldn't take the picture because I was too close to the rock. grr I hate automatic cameras. I'll be glad when I get a new one.
John and Zack are trying to talk me into trying to be a model. I love pictures and I love cameras. But I just don't know about the model thing. It would be fun. But I just don't think I am pretty enough for the modeling like they are talking about. I'm not really into all that anyway. I don't want to be "appreciated" or liked for my body.
Hopefully I will get my film developed soon so I can have some new pictures on here. All of these ones aren't that good, and I'm getting tired of looking at them. ugh.
Wow. I have written a lot. I think it's time to stop now. ]]> ~thetenutso http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/632843/ http://thetenutso.deviantart.com/journal/632843/ Thu, 17 Apr 2003 21:26:21 PDT ~thetenutso