http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:twilightcat&section=today deviantART RSS for by:twilightcat en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 15 Dec 2009 06:31:44 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/28020876/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/28020876/ Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:44:01 PDT
but that doesn't mean it isn't true. i've been on a streak of a few weeks of extreme and crippling depression. my life just doesn't seem to get better.

it started by being ditched by everyone i call friends for basically an entire weekend. i managed to escape to my aunts house one night but the tohers were spent feeling sorry for myself and wishing i was dead or at least somewhere where people gave a shit about me. after that all my classes just got so much harder and it was the end of the quarter so i had to push myself to pull them up but couldn't make much head way. taking those two things and the fact that i am always tired, and constantly unhappy where i am it had sucked.

for the last month the only good thing i can think of is that at least my mask is better. no one that sees me had any idea that i spend most of my time lost in contemplating suicide or at least dark visions and images. but even this isn't good (besides the whole suicide thing) because whenever it gets so bad i just go to sleep.
sleep is all i have.
whenever i skip my classes to sleep i get farther behind and even miss my after school biking because i feel so worthless. usually when it gets so bad that i really want to just overdose or slit my wrists i call my mom or text basically the only person who still has time to talk to me. he's a nice guy but he is always in school so i basically have to keep myself alive on texts and a will that is slowly wearing thin.
i can't keep doing this.

included is a poem type thing that i thought of when i couldn't think of any better way to tell you people how i feel. (i know basically no one reads these but oh well). but you will notice its similar to a poem i have/ will post.

when i close my eyes
all i see is darkness,
all i feel is heart clenching pain
and all i hear is myself telling myself to breathe
because its all i have left to do
breathe
and the world be ok,
the loneliness will leave one day,
that life will be worth living
but its only thoughts
and its only breathing

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/27494580/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/27494580/ Tue, 29 Sep 2009 20:28:58 PDT one of my "friends" hit her head last night causing drama and well i am still not a fan.
along with this though i am going on what looks to be the worst biking trip of all time because not only am i the only upperclassman but they are all retarded freshmen who i want to murder.
ok but i guess the thing that drove me to right this was the guy i have liked for likes ages just sort of told me he has a mega crush on one of my best friends here. awkward much? but seriously i get it because i am not pretty or funny compared to this girl. and i know soon enough i won't even like him and it'll all me ok. but it does make me a little happy that she knows i like him and to my knowledge thinks of him only as a friend. because fi they did go out... wow that would be awkward and suck.

but anyway i am just having a rough time because of tons of details i didn't mention because i don't have the time, energy, or heart to write it. so i will be back on saturday or sunday night and since you guys don't read these its ok. i dunno i am seriously contemplating suicide again (not cause the guy, i'm not that much of a sap) but because life has just been going bad to worse and its gets harder to handle.

i'll deal though, i always do even without help

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/27269830/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/27269830/ Thu, 17 Sep 2009 19:21:11 PDT so last night at around 10 o'clock i was hanging around with two of my dorm buddies when suddenly one ( my ex-roommate and favorite person at school) mentions suicide. so we all sort of vaguely discuss how hard it was for us at some point and i figured that probably tons of people contemplate it. but of course someone says something ( probably me)and my ex-roommate runs off to her room and we follow her to find ehr crying. so of coruse this one girl who was doing ehr homework in the common room notices and comes in and proceeded to take my spot for comforting her so i can just sit there and do jack shit.

so after a while we start making jokes and the nights gets better. but at some point the girl from the common room finds out my ex-roommate was contemplating 9real or not)
so of course next day she tells the school counselor and her, ex-roommate, and a random friend are 1/2 hour late for class cause having a little talk. ok i know telling the teacher was the right thing but i talked to her and i assumed she could be honest with me, she was even making jokes about having to sit through the little talk. so not only did that make feel left out and annoyed that no one ever notices my pain. But then tonight both the ex-roommate and the girl were like 1/2 an hour late for dorm check cause out in town with the counselor.

so i know its good she had the talk and all the shit but still i wish someone would notice me and help me, and give so fucking attention because i spent the entire day feeling like a fucking loser and lonely one because the only person i actually talked with is this new german girl who is nice but still....
WHY THE FUCK DID I COME BACK???????

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/25505276/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/25505276/ Tue, 23 Jun 2009 21:17:18 PDT ok first of all the reason i am finally posting one of these is because i felt bad and i felt like i should. but i do have stuff to say i just never get around to it. along with that i enver get around to posting stuff because i was kind of swamped with shit. like i had final projects, actual finals, packing for home, getting home and then i just spazzed on everything.

ok but anyway here is my life for the last few months. alright so i made better friends with a girl in my dorm and we both get left out by some of the other girls alot so when i feel lonely i can just track her down and we have fun together. besides that i nearly went to a different school but i could not find anywhere i wanted or could get into. so i am staying in that hell hole i call school but it will get better and it could be always worse. i tell myself that alot i am still that emo freak on the outside even though i am alot more out there and brighter on the outside.

ok so that was april i guess and then may hit. wow that was a crazy month i ahd spring trip and then suddenly all my projects were due. i had to pack up my room a little bit every weekend and start saying my goodbyes.
what got me though is that people were nearly crying and were so fucking sad. i was kind of pissed because its not like we have known each other that long, 9 months at most, and they were almost crying. its nice that they care but i feel like its fake and its only three months, i nearly cried at my eighth grade last day because i had known most of those people for 9 years so it was explainable.

ok so besides that i got home with some insanity with my father who is crazy!!!! but seriously as little as i get along with my family i love feeling included and loved because even if its just sitting around watching tv and not talking i still feel loved and there. not to mention they don't constantly drive me up the wall, only occasionally like everyone.

oh and i went to an amazing party and holy shit i got smashed. it was really boring until like 6 o'clock when the booze arrived. i didn't get started right away i just had a mikes hard and hung around talking with an old friend Chanda talking about what she had been up to since i saw her last. then it got kind of boring because everyone went out to smoke or something so i decided to do a few shots. i was not the smartest person about ti and did two within like thirty seconds and then five minutes late since i was still bored i tried to some tequilla. so through the night i had a total of 5 shots of of vodka and then two of tequilla. the bad part is that at around 10 i started being extremely drunk and a friend of my friend made me sit with ehr and as i am bi i totally hit on her.
so the adventure is when my mom called to have my brother pick me up in an hour and a half and i had to get sober. i ate lots of bread and walked in circles around the house. it was actually very exciting and i talked to lots of the guys and they were cool. one of them austin who i didn't meet until then was really amazing. anyway i ahve sworn that next tiem i get drunk it will be a boy, maybe austin because i want to mix things up.
i also found out i surprised people because barely no one thought i would hit on a girl.

ok but that is my journal and i swear i did not mean for it to be tha tlong and its pretty stupid but i did warn you.

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/23960957/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/23960957/ Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:46:25 PDT

business is business so here is the virus warning.
ok i need to warn people that there seems to be a virus going around on deviant art. i think it is caused by someone either intentionally or accidentally posting something with a virus in it. i keep getting notifications about it and they all say for pc's and i have a mac so its obviously fishy already.
anyway i just wanted to warn everyone about that, if it gives you a window to get ride of them and tries to save a file? don't save it its a virus or to my understanding it is.

and now for rambles.
ok normally i would try and find an excuse to vent or be all emo bitch on your guys but not today. i am leaving from spring break for my boarding school but of course i am feeling blue.
you would think after starting school and coming and leaving quite a few times but i still hate leaving. probably because even if the school is good i still miss home and never quite fit in.... oh well life right?
thanks for reading and be cautious of the virus

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/23891376/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/23891376/ Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:03:09 PDT
ok so i thought i was going to be at parties but i found out, the only real party was one i was not going to. i don't mind not going to the party, it was a birthday party of someone i didn't know, but it was the only fucking party!!!!

ok that is not even the reason i am bitching at the world. ok so i
got really bored like three days ago and decided to right a story, you know action, mystery, friendship, romance. ok so i got two or three like brilliant pages down, they were epic good, like book good. and then i got to my friends house for the night and my mom decided to use my computer while i am gone.
only problem is that i didn't save the story, i have this weird thing with no saving until i am done or really have to save. but i had assumed my family would respect the privacy of my laptop and n ot fucking mess with it. so not only did she loose the like 10 tabs on firefox. but she lost my fucking story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i even handwrote like two more pages at my friends house but without the first few, perfect pages it is useless

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/23270188/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/23270188/ Wed, 18 Feb 2009 11:56:33 PST
anyway its been like two months almost since i last updated so i thought i might just say a few things. ok well if you recall i hate my school with i still hate it, the only reason i even go these days is so my mom won't get pissed.
often though i find myself calling her between classes because i am already so fucked up and every little thing pushes me over. i actually have been late and missed a few classes cause i was on the phone mostly cause i cry for like twenty minutes. it sucks. no here knows how much i hate them for making me feel like crap and event eh people i might have called friends are now the enemy

i am about to vent so i suggest you skip this part if you don't want to hear it!!!!
ok so the one person who really gets to me is this girl, Kat, who for a while we were good friends. But now it seems that in at least chemistry i am the bad guy, the one who always screws up. ok what really got me was last week we were doing a quick experiment and after messing up a little on the last one i decided to just tell everyone the directions and take data. well i did but somehow our results got messed up and suddenly the teacher is over there and she is pointing the problem at me. i wanted to scream "i didn't fucking do anything!!!" but i didn't.

and if that's not enough i am trying to start a non-profit and when i first came up with the idea i thought she would be a good tech lead. well i have been doing all the work, getting contact and shit but suddenly she is trying to take over. all the adults we talk to think of her as the lead and i am fine with her being in charge of stuff but she is stealing the one thing i have left to believe in and strive for here. i sort of want to just quit on her and let her do it by herself and just stop talking to her, she is the real reason i call ym mom five times a day and cry on the phone....


ok done venting!!!
ok so that's it and anyone who reads this please tell me some awesome bands and stuff to help in my quest for music!!!!

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/22286821/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/22286821/ Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:04:57 PST well i am home and it is not good, i keep forgetting while i am at school how much i don't get along with my family. i have anger problems cause of school and here i get angrier and angrier. because when i get angry i try to explain why i am angry to other people and at school i can at least do that sometimes, here i start and then i get cut off, they don't let me talk. i used to hate talking and now i just give up, its like they don't know me i know i've grown up some.
see i am tryign this new thing about being really nice to people but they don't believe me. they jsut make fun of me when they say i would have helped if they had asked for it. or that we have even more different tastes than before, all my friends ahve better things to do so i get stuck at home alot not to mention the storm that blew through and snowed a foot at my house. so when we finally go out for dinner and a cool movie my brother gets as fucking childish on me and pretends like he will go see the movie even if he doesn't want to. i'm not an idiot the second we get out of there or whatever he'll start complaining and i hate him for it. so suddenly we get to go home and watch my dad's dumb movies which i totally do not want to see but i put p with it because i am being nice.
i am always putting their stupid feelings in front of mine, i can't even tell them i hate my school because i am worried they would think i was just a brat wasting money. i hate my family sometimes i try to pretend its alright and they don't catch on but i get so FUCKing tired of all their god damn crap!!!
i hate my school, i hate my family, i am even startign to hate my friends, and i am hating my life

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/20457216/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/20457216/ Fri, 12 Sep 2008 15:32:41 PDT
ok so some of you know that i got sick three days into the trip and had to come off for all of the fourth day burt the fifth day i hiked back in. complete hell. it was a mile and a half all up hill with switch back after switch back and when i finally got to my group it was another two miles of up hill and i will admit i cried. i could keep down food but still felt like utter shit and i was fuckin' tired.
so the rest of the time i got better at hiking and keeping up with the group but i hated it most of the time but while we were in camp my group had lots of fun.

now when i got back the best thing was seeing my mom who i called a lot on that one day i had off the trail. so anyway i loved the afternoon i got to spend with her and we went to the best diner, it was amazing. but being half starved and super tired and freshly showered might have added to it.
the next few days where pretty boring cause it was orientation after orientation about the internet, the dorms, and well all that shit.

ok so it turns out they have us going like 24/7 or at least us boarding students. we have normal classes and then after school we have an active or workcrew which just means either you go help around school for two hours or you do a sport. so i have two days off because i do preschool during my free periods where i go help out at the preschool but on two other days i have mountain biking and i hurt my knee or something and now it sucks to even ride my bike to classes. (which i have to cause my dorm is like the very furthest from all the classrooms

anyway parts of it are fun when i'm not feeling completely homesick and want to cry or i am not overwhelmed with school work or being completely bored in every single one of my classes.
oh well i am stuck here until at least thanksgiving when i will have enough courage to ask my parents to let my go back home, i thought i would be having loads of fun but even the classes suck and i dunno its harder than i thought to be so far away from people i love. but its so expensive i know i should stick it out for a few months just in case it gets better

love you all ( and i really really mean it)
twilight

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/20079693/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/20079693/ Thu, 21 Aug 2008 14:28:40 PDT
mines penguins_dont_fly
i'm not going to be around for about a week and a half to two weeks so i won't be on for a while, try late at night after maybe september 3? i'll post more contact info later

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/20005341/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/20005341/ Sun, 17 Aug 2008 13:39:33 PDT
i have a story and i hope its not to long but i guess i should start on why i'm telling the story and why i'm leaving so you can understand what i'm saying as i go 'k? the reason i am leaving my friends, family, and well life behind is because i hate it. every single fucking thing. now i know that sounds harsh and please excuse the language but over the last year and a half i have gone through lots of struggles now nothing compared to others but struggles and not one of my friends was able to help me; i was saved by several strangers i met here on deviant and who i now call friends.

now before any of my friends from life read this just remember that i still love you guys cause i mean without friends i'm nothing. so just read.

so the beginning i have to set up for you a little, i was bullied a little as a child and wasn't very good in school and even had to take extra classes for a little bit because well i was dumb then add that to having a super smart brother who skipped two years of high school and went to college early you're going to have a pretty sad kid anyway. but i never really let it get to me because by eighth grade i was keeping up in math and loved to write... but then i started realizing how my life was falling apart.

step one
-first of all i was actually excited to be going to high school because i had been at the same school for nine years including kindegarden (spelling?). and there was this one really cool program that i wanted to join when i got into high school. but my parents didn't think it was all that interesting or so it seemed. and the reason for their apparent disinterest? my brother of course.
it was his first year of college so of course they were thrilled and i was happy for him to since high school was not for him and he seemed much happier but i still wished my parents would have asked me more about my days that year or talking about high school but no it was all about Alex (my brother). and this only helped to make me feel inadequate like i didn't deserve attention at all and that was the start of my slide towards depression.

step two
- now even if my parents were more interested in my brilliant brother i still had my friends right? wrong or so it felt. now i had two groups of friends the crude, rude, and hilarious guys that told the wrost and most offensive jokes but cracked me up every day. or the grade driver, sweet, and almost overly friendly girls who spent most of that year hanging out in teachers room for lunch.
now i had fun with both because while the guys cracked jokes and got in trouble the girls would make their own slightly sweeter jokes and run around in the teachers room. both were fun don't get me wrong.
but mid way through the year i had to start picking who i was hanging out with and the way i did was weigh what i had in common with them all, to pick the one i had would more fun with you know? that's when i realized i didn't have a lot in common with any of them, a few little things but most of it was just shit i pretended to like or didn't mind. it nearly killed me to realize this cause i loved my friends and still do but i made it through the year thinking that being in a bigger school and meeting new people would bring us closer and that i would find even more friends.
lets just say i was about a 100 wrong

step three
-now the year started off ok, i was real quiet and had only one class with my friends but i managed and did meet a few nice people. but as tghe months wore i realized that the one class i had with my friend was the worst one of the day and soon i dreaded setting foot in there. while instead of meeting lots of cool people i observed that i barely talked in class because most people that end up at the high school are all from the same middle school and don't need to make friends or tried talking to me but i would realize i hated everything they liked or they were so annoying.
now things could have been better but just cause i was awkward and wasn't making new friends or was failing a class it was no big deal. well to me it wasn't but then my mom found out about my bad grade and suddenly every time i looked at her or talked about my day or even spoke to her about anything i felt guilt because i had disappointed her. i know my mom loves me and always will but i felt like i couldn't live up to my brother that i was just a screw up and it ate away at me.
now my friend was having no fun at school either but after school she could go visit our other friends who went to school five blocks away from where she lived. while just going down to see them took my entire afternoon and was a huge hassle so pretty soon my friend was bugging... ]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/19968387/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/19968387/ Fri, 15 Aug 2008 10:46:49 PDT
alright so it took 24 hours to even get to Kenya but we stayed in a nice hotel for a few days while we got our bus tickets to the western part to visit my moms friend from the peace corps. the actual bus ride took 9 hours so i came up with a lot of poems and stories but sadly i had no pen or paper so most of them were lost but i remember a few stories ideas...
alright so it was hilarious when we got off the bus because my mom and her friend spotted each other and ran and give each other hugs/ oprah style hugs screaming and super happy cause they haven't seen each other face to face for 25 years and i couldn't help but laugh at them. we sat around talking for a while then went back to her small house that made me feel so guilty cause ours hours could fit like three or five of hers and we have a pretty small house. but it was nice and we met two of her four kids who are both going to college and my mom gave her friend, Liz some money to help pay but the sad thing was that with the exchange rate we only gave her like a 1000 US dollars to pay for both her college for a WHOLE year.
now no exact stories for the about week and a half we stayed with them but i met her students because my moms friend is a teacher and she had 80 STUDENTS in her class and they were adorable and so well behaved. but i got to hang out with her daughters friends and we went for walks and a day trip to Kisumu which is the biggest city in the west and right by lake victoria which is the biggest lake in Africa but we couldn't see it. i should mention the town Bungoma and i have to say it felt like home. and the food was great.
alright after that we went for a safari because if you go to africa you need to go on Safari. so i saw like every single animal they talk about beside the leopard and cheetah. i saw like 8 cubs, a baby rhino, baby zebra, baby giraffe, like everythign and at the giraffe center i got to pet/feed/ and even kiss a giraffe because they treat them like pamper pets and they are adorable.
oh and there was the most adorable guy on the trip named Craig, he is from Vancouver washington across the river from Portland which is like three hours from wher ei live and he's going to the university where my mom works. he's eighteen and is like perfect, evne his sister is in the peace corps and his brother some genius doc. sooooo hawt
ok i rambled about Craig for a while so now on to Cairo Egypt. it was hot and annoying because by then i was tired of being called out to to buy stuff or that sort of annoying shit because i'm white and in Kenya at least they are not very common and very rare in Bungoma but in Cairo it was a little less so and all we did was go to the egyptian museum and then pyramids of giza and see the sphinx

alright all that was fun and i got all my friends from home stuff but if i'm not able to before i leave for boarding school then when i come back for thanksgiving you will all get yours then or i will pass them on to sisi or something

now for the boarding school thing, i have like three or four days at home then its not back for like three months, i have to pack my clothes, my stuff, get my school supplies, get to school and then do tons of shopping there and at home but it is totally ok.. i will admit i'm a little nervous and scared of leaving behind everyone i know but i also know that my friends will always be there for me even if i'm far away cause i have the best friends in the world

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/19503658/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/19503658/ Sun, 20 Jul 2008 16:45:28 PDT so all that aside this has been a normal day, i went to see mamma mia with my mom and it was bad but really fun. and yesterday i went to see the dark knight again because on friday i went with paul and we hung out downtown. totally sucks though cause i like paul and we're sorting of reaching that point where we both kind of want to be more but since i'm going to be leaving we can't really do anything and by the time i visit again he'll be off having fun without me
so i'm totally pumped for going to africa though my mom freaked me out when she tried to take off her wedding ring so no one would try and cut off her finger to get it. that's what made my internal knots start and the day as been weird, usually i have to pack after school and then pass out like a normal night but since its summer we have to pack in the afternoon and that is just weird. after all my nervous stuff and it being the afternoon i am so ready to get on the plane and go a adventure so wish me luck and i might be able to write before the month in africa is up or els ei will talk to you all on augus ti think 16th is when 'll have time to write
toddles an dmuch love
twilight

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/19312939/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/19312939/ Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:51:48 PDT now the reasoning its i literally have this feeling of living in a dream, like where your asleep and you sort of know your in a dream and i think this might help. and yes i will admit i'm running from all my problems but i can't stand nearly breaking down in tears every week and feeling like i'm loosing my friends and everything i once was. so its either this new boarding school in colorado or thinking of suicide again and let me tell those who don't know how hard it is to get over thoughts of suicide on your own, i've spent the last almost year dealing with those thoughts and managed to get over them but they'll just come back if i stay where i am.
anyway i'm nervous about the new school but its alot like my old middle school where i have lots of fond memories so i think i'll be fine. i'm also going to africa for a month in about a week and a few days so my mom is getting real excited but i'm still pretty chill about it. and i got like ten new cd's

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/18913995/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/18913995/ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:49:47 PDT i couldn't go to a bonfire yesterday and i was probably one of like five high school students not out enjoying summer time, i just feel like a freak of nature and i'm scared that i've lost everything i once was and that all my friends don't know who i am anymore. that's why i've been trying like crazy for the last week to get into this boarding school in colorado. just think it might be my only chance to escape the dream world i've been living in, i know i'm probably just running away from my problems, i'm very self aware of my problems and crap but i think i just need to escape if its the last thing i do, i want to re-invent myself so i'm not this sad sap who doesn't even go to parties on the last day of school.
three years of school left....

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/18263256/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/18263256/ Sat, 10 May 2008 20:09:37 PDT
ok i know i'm not supposed to side with her parents but its only fair because they just want the best for her and for her to be happy. she calls me the enemy and says i don't understand, i almost muttered "you don;t know how many times i've thought that" but i didn't ok i had self control. but she keeps going on about it so i decide if she's going to be a bitch she can do it on her own so i leave for like five, maybe ten minutes.
i go looking for her and the other friends that attend my high school and she's copying her work, another example of why she needs to have boundries and yet she is still texting.

so lunch is almost over and she's still textign and beign a retard, and i've said like maximum of ten words since i walked away and then she turns to our friend and goes. "i'm sorry i was beign so snappy its just a stressful day," and i just stare as she kind of gives me this side glare. a minute later and she goes off about how i sided with her parents and i stand up.
by this pont i had called my mom and told her i felt like i was going to burst into tears. because to me this isn't just some fight between friends this is my best friend i can barely remeber a time we weren't friends, ten whole years and suddenly i'm the enemy.

so my mom comes about ten minutes after lunch ends and no one knows i'm getting picked up but the office person and my mom. she says i look said and asks if eveything is alright and i say "i just had a fight with Sierra (my best friend)" and i press my palms to my eyes to try and stop the tears cause for the last twenty mminutes ht eonly i can do to stop them is close my eyes and press my palms to my face....
but this time i burst into tears as we're walking to the car and i say that she hates me and that i feel like i', losing all my friends and losing myself. i notice my brothe rint eh car and i stop sobbing and just start half choking down air while we get in the car, by the tiem we get hoem i just crash and cry myself to sleep even though its the middle of the afternoon.
i did that again today, cry myself to sleep in the middle of the afternoon and right now i want to again because i really do feel like i have nothing tin common or can be friends with any of them, and worst of all Sierra (best friend) hates me or that's what it feels like without a best friend around i don't have anything but my overbearing family that makes me feel even worse.
i'd give anthing to have my old life back with friends and no fighting, i've fought to keep my friends with me for years, if their insulted so am i but now i feel like i've been left behind and everythign i once was is gone even though i try and get it back
i
just
want
to
die


sorry i just needed to vent, if you made it here i guess that means thanks for putting up with a whiny friendless freak

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/18011310/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/18011310/ Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:29:03 PDT
we were in starbucks and talking about random stuff because it was test week for sophomores so school started late for everyone else. when she starts talking about this kid we both know and how he's an asshole and whiny because he is going through and hard time and asked for a little help from her.
she hates him and said he needs to fix his own life and if she says that to him i'm afraid she'd tell me that and say its all my fault; because you can't pick and choose who you help- friend or not their human.

someone please help me, slap me silly and make my life magically not suck because while my friends drift farther and farther away my family makes me feel more and more of the black sheep, the loser of the family who will never be good enough.
someone help, or i'll just die

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/17825898/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/17825898/ Sun, 13 Apr 2008 05:18:49 PDT
but the best part of the trip was meeting all the kids at the school. we were supposed to go and set up a computer lab of about twenty five computers in a school with aout four groups and leavign about seventy five for the city to use as it pleased.... but they got stuck in the captial manila in customs something abouts tazes, the DepED didn't know or something. really i don't know so i never did get to set up the computers but i did get to teach the kids at the school all the parts of a cpmuter, how to crimp, and just got to make friends in general

i really miss them all right now because its amazing how much nicer people are there, i mean even where i was stayign i made friends with some passers by because their just so nice to you that its hard not to make friends. not to mention they are always hungry and have awesome food there you would not believe how deliscious it is but their always feeding you so i didn't go hungry once on that trip and now that i'm home i'm like always hungry.

but anyway i made like twenty new best friends i will never forget because its a life changing experience even though the non profit organization it was run out of is like being killed because the school district hates it for no good reason. anyway i just wanted to do a short report about stuff even though now this is not all short but compared to the full day by day story its short

love and missed you all
twilight

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/17549644/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/17549644/ Thu, 27 Mar 2008 22:10:21 PDT
i'll post a journal announcing some of the crazy stories i will probably have,

oh and i have my fifteenth birthday while i'm gone so you better wish my happy birthday at some point! jk but really i'll miss everyone of you, probably won't be as suicially depressed i am so happy yet annoyed right now because i have never had to to checked luggage

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/17353866/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/17353866/ Sat, 15 Mar 2008 20:50:38 PDT
just need to talk about my life right now and i guess my last journal was not all smiles and roses.

i still feel like skip[ing school because i have slight panic attacks and i just feel terrible but better than before

oh and i just found out that i've been on this account for over a year, its like a year and two months i think?


bye,
twilight

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/16907619/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/16907619/ Sat, 16 Feb 2008 00:47:09 PST
i just need to spill this out, and i feel pretty stupid doing it but i went home sick today because i felt like i wanted to just skip school and walk home, so its better when my mom picks me up sick and i get an excused absence.
right now i feel like killing myself, and actually its about the second week in a row, i really feel like i'm drowning and i know hnr is going to read this so hnr don't tell me not to because i probably won't and it doesn't make a difference so everyone is so indifferent to me

twilight

p.s. ha hnr you can't lecture me at school since its break, powned!!

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/16213032/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/16213032/ Tue, 01 Jan 2008 19:18:41 PST WOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
sorry random

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/16124402/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/16124402/ Thu, 27 Dec 2007 13:29:05 PST their nothing special and some of them have little marks when its a the main boy and girl in the story singing but please just bare with me while i do this?
anyway to my watchers i still love you guys though i still hate myself...

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/15700361/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/15700361/ Tue, 27 Nov 2007 21:17:59 PST
]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/15580127/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/15580127/ Mon, 19 Nov 2007 17:18:27 PST AHH so happy but still very tried, stayed up till like 3 or 4 maybe watching advent children

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/15324922/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/15324922/ Thu, 01 Nov 2007 23:39:43 PDT just now my mom made me go to bed, i got scared because if someone breaks through a bedroom it'd be mine, its possible to get through the windows. and usually i'm calm about it, take a shower, read or brosw the internet then sleep but i can't because i'm so high strung.
i asked my mom for help to get to sleep. point is she didn't and it just set off the waterworks again. i've just gotten through two minutes of quiet sobbing.
i've never cried or broken down so much, i mean i don't cry unless i'm in like broken bone sort of pain but these days my emotional pain seems to be just about at that level. i need help but when i try and tell my mom she thinks i'm kidding, its not funny, not one of my friends believes me but one of them and i don't really know him well and he's well weird.
i just needed to vent, i've stopped crying but i will probably again, because my own mother won't even comfort me when i'm on the verge of tears. mom of the year.

twilight

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/15248358/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/15248358/ Sat, 27 Oct 2007 19:27:00 PDT and i just don't feel well, i miss my old middle school because i had two clicks of friends, they didn't interact much but i feel like i have two people in me, the good girl who pays attention in class and stays in for lunch and the annoying and sarcastic one that gets on trouble a little and laughs are dirty or stupid jokes. but now i don't have that and there's alot more stress. god i feel so selfish for feeling so bad, because i'm usually stuck sitting or talking with people when they cry or feel bad but i can't even deal with my own stress and i know my friends are they and if i could i would talk to them but i can't, i can't put my troubls on their shoulders and i just feel so alone like no one is actually listening to me and notices when i can barely breathe or when i feel so depressed i want to vomit.

i hate my friends sometimes, i hate my family, i hate me i guess because i don't feel like myself that much anymore. this is the second panic attaack/mental break down in a week but no one takes me seriously when i say i don't feel good or when i tell them i have a panic attacks, no one ever takes me seriously

sorry you ended uip reading this far, i must sound like some stuck up girl who thinks her life sucks when others have it worse and they do but i thought this might help me feel better, it sort of did but not very well..
thanks for reading
-twilight

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14706042/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14706042/ Wed, 19 Sep 2007 18:52:21 PDT my friends fucking suck, i tell them that it really hurts to walk and that i can't walk fast and they just throw it in my face being all "well it is your fault for jumping" don't you think i fucking know that? but after about a hundred times or soemting, all day really and i'm like wincing with every step they could actualy care than i'm a shit load of pain not just pass it off as something else, i fucking hate my friends right now but i can't do much, my mom raised me to ALWAYS be nice, like i can';t shove peoples in the hallways really, and i can't make my friends leave me alone, or drop the subject..... and in my guitar lesson i sort of blew up at my friend.... but she fucking deserved it!!!

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14687439/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14687439/ Tue, 18 Sep 2007 13:00:23 PDT
i jumped first and well i didn't land right and i get to miss school today because i can't walk right and my mom made an appointment with the doc. i know i am liek the dumbest person ever but it coudl be worse, i don't think i actualy boke something... i hope not anyway

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14489574/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14489574/ Tue, 04 Sep 2007 15:21:57 PDT
my mom got back from brazil and brought me some stuff though

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14374278/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14374278/ Tue, 28 Aug 2007 02:17:48 PDT i think i want to kill myself sometimes because he amkes me feel so good, i hate him sooo much yet i can't tell him off, i can't tell him when he's being mean or exlain something because he never listens.
even when everything is fine i'll be in the middle of a sentence when he'll interrupt me, i hate it!! got i hate him!!

sorry but i needed to vent some how and well thansk fro reading if you did

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14217547/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14217547/ Fri, 17 Aug 2007 20:57:27 PDT
THE LIST:
1. Introduction
2. Love
3. Light
4. Dark
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Gray
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation

and my brothers flight from texas got postpone,d he's been in guatemale for like two or three weeeks, i hope he bring sme a cool necklace liek the alst one.... sorry

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14200882/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/14200882/ Thu, 16 Aug 2007 18:25:22 PDT
and finally i'm starting that 100 challenge thing because my friend is making me and right now i'll sgree to most not insane or insanely stupid things.

sorry i had to type out that for soem unknown reason

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/13825893/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/13825893/ Sat, 21 Jul 2007 20:42:42 PDT
so i am going to be posting them, a few i started ages ago in random stages of boredom so i worked on them but i had artblock so they all suck terribly....

so i am sorry in advance for the crappy artwork i will be posting but the stupid scanner who hates me is not fun and i'm relaxing and happy to not be in a car for ages

well sorry soooooo hope you had a good time while i was gone

listened to harry potter in car, finishing it now

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/13100891/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/13100891/ Sat, 26 May 2007 12:35:50 PDT
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]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/12287807/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/12287807/ Thu, 22 Mar 2007 18:04:36 PDT
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]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11928183/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11928183/ Thu, 22 Feb 2007 21:57:27 PST i'm not a weirdo that watches those movies and it was all a mistake ok so don't get me wrong/
anyway i was at my friends house and all this weird shit happened so much that it would take about an hour to type up and i'm lazy. i have no ideas for poems so i might not be posting for a while.
i'm sorry this was so pointless but i had to warn you people

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11836649/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11836649/ Thu, 15 Feb 2007 23:28:02 PST anyway just wanted to vent.

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11821422/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11821422/ Wed, 14 Feb 2007 19:47:40 PST
]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11581190/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11581190/ Fri, 26 Jan 2007 20:59:32 PST so i got bored and wrote a poem and well its just really boring and i love my science teacher, he gave me the whole weekend to study for a super hard test.
thank my friend S and H for supporting me and helping me study. like S sent me the answers to study and stuff.
and also thanks Assasin-Dan on gaia for talking me through not going nuts and supporting just in words.
well actually thank all my friends on deviant, gaia, any online thing, and in real life/ personal friend. i give a shout out.
THANKS

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11532684/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11532684/ Mon, 22 Jan 2007 16:54:07 PST well i just felt like saying that, i've been wanting to yell or something ll day and great now i have a headache.
well anyway its nothing interesting i'm just being really pissed off at being sick.
also i have to be like super sick and need to go to the hospital king of sick for my mom to let me stay home so i had to suffer through really boring and evil classes too.
god this day is really uncool

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11532667/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11532667/ Mon, 22 Jan 2007 16:53:09 PST well i just felt like saying that, i've been wanting to yell or something ll day and great now i have a headache.
well anyway its nothing interesting i'm just being really pissed off at being sick.
also i have to be like super sick and need to go to the hospital king of sick for my mom to let me stay home so i had to suffer through really boring and evil classes too.
god this day is really uncool

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11464905/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11464905/ Tue, 16 Jan 2007 19:23:07 PST lifes fine and i really think i like this place!!

]]> ~twilightcat http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11453345/ http://twilightcat.deviantart.com/journal/11453345/ Mon, 15 Jan 2007 20:58:38 PST peace dudes

]]> ~twilightcat