Happy Birthday to Erika!

~txsappho — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 19:05:44 PST

Happy Birthday to Erika... She would be 23 today. We miss you Erika very much!!
Go by her DevArt page and drop a note or visit her memorial page: [link]

Hello to Mandi! Erika's baby sister who is new to DeviantART... and from the look of her gallery folks she has talent as well as the looks. Go by and give her a hello and take a look through her gallery!

As for me, I'm on vacation this week and enjoying the time off. We're working on 's Mustang and I'm almost done with exterior mods on mine. I can't wait until the weather finally warms up so that we can go on photo shoots again. Texas in the winter is just gray and bleak... no pretty snow or scenery... just yuck. Anyways, Spring should be here soon! You can check out my work on the Mustang here: [link] and [link]

Between work and the cars I am keeping busy. I am still deeply within my grief and I know it. It is going to be a very long process. I was hard to lose Erika so young and so tragically but to compound that with the loss of my father... it showed me my strengths and my weaknesses. Tears and sadness comes in waves. Silly things set it off really. A commercial, a TV show scene, a smell, a sound, a memory... but as much as it hurts me I also cherish this... How can I explain this... To push it away and not allow myself to feel it would be denying myself the opportunity to love them even in their deaths. Does that make sense? To honor them I must remember them even if it hurts. To remember them I have to go through the grieving process.

Yeah, I know, that didn't make a whole lot of sense....

I hope 2007 will be happy, healthy, and find everyone where they want to be... Best wishes for all of your newly made resolutions for the new year!

I was just reading gsu's journal and he was asking folks what their 2006 highlights were... this was my list.

2006 for me was:

-entered the 40 decade club
-kept my D70 but upgraded my honey to a D70s
-got a 18-200mm VR for D70
-got a 105mm Micro for D70
-upgraded my 2004 Mustang to 2006 Stampede Mustang
-bought a 2007 Mustang for honey...
-quit smoking
-learned who my friends really are
-lost my father
-gained new dimensions to family relationships
-celebrated 10 years with my honey
-celebrated 7 years on the job

What is yours?

Admin for:

txsappho

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defining light | gallery | prints
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My BabyGirl!:

Sorry for the lack of updates folks... I've been out of commission for a bit. For those in the loop, the shots I had in my back during 2005-2006 to eleviate back pain/nerve pain finally wasn't helping. I had emergency ER surgery on 11/8/06 where they removed a 16mm herniated disk from L5/S1 - the last disk in the back. It was VERY PAINFUL up to the surgery. Waking up without pain made me wonder why I ever put it off. So, now that my back is healing, I'm itching to get out and shoot since that is something I couldn't do/didn't want to do while in so much pain.

The family managed to get through Christmas without any major disputes. Thanksgiving was a different matter. The tension is the elephant in the living room - our Dad isn't here - and we're all grieving in our own ways... sometimes it comes out in anger and we strike out. It's been five months... Its getting better... But the holidays were HARD.

I will celebrate 1 year smoke free on 1/1/07 at midnight. Yeah!

So, things are looking up and although it never gets easier gradually I'm coming to terms with Erika dying and her being there to welcome her "Grandpa". I really do miss him.

See you again soon!
Reba

Admin for:

txsappho

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I want to be 10 years old again with no real worries, no fears of the future, no tears for loved ones lost, still full of hope and sunshine and energy. I want to hear my father's voice, hear him laugh, have him kiss the "clean spot" on my forehead just under my blonde bangs, and hug his neck which smelled of bleached white cotton t-shirts, zippos, his cologne, and cigarettes. I want to feel safe again, loved, and protected by the one man I always knew I could trust and that never let me down. I want my Daddy back.

I don't want to be an adult anymore. I don't want to go through this. I want to stop this pain, this seemingly endless process of grieving for those who leave us behind. We never stop grieving the loss because the loss is always there. I just want to stop here, at 40, and go backwards. I want to undo what has been done.

But I know I cant.... And strangely the voice inside me telling me so is my Dad's...

==========

So folks, its been a fucked up summer. It has been 100+ every day, my father was sick, he passed away, my mother was sick and in the hospital for a week (went home on my birthday, 8/16), I turned 40, and the doctor said that I have Osteoarthritis. (We were anticipating Rheumatoid Arthritis so Osteoarthritis was a bit better but not by much.) This means that if they want to operate on my back now that I should probably let them since the issue of having RA is no longer there. (sigh) Yeah, I guess it could be worse. At least it isn't terminal.

Fuck!

Can I do-over? Where is my EASY button? Is it really supposed to be this hard?

[link]
July 11-12, 2005 - Erika's family and friends gathered by her bedside.
July 13, 2005 - 4:10 AM Erika left us. [link]

One Year Later...

It is going to be one bitch of a week. The one year anniversary of her death will be this Thursday. It is amazing how much Erika affected my life in the mere 21 years she was with us and how profound her loss has been to me and our family. As a tribute to her I am giving blood on the 13th at Carter Bloodcare (Texas). I really wish there was some way her parents could get to San Francisco so that they could spread her ashes as she wished. They haven't been able to afford the trip and I don't know when they will be able to. If I could I'd send them but I don't have the $$$ either. I suppose when the time is right God will make it happen. That is all I can hope for.

We've been in touch with Erika's ex-husband and daughter. Relationships are being built and family ties will remain intact for Punkie in the years ahead. I've committed myself to making sure that she will know about the Erika we knew here in DA, the Erika I knew as an infant and child, the young woman she was before meeting Punkie's dad and all the things that only a family history of love can provide. Other than that, I have committed to myself that I will be there for her if she needs me. The fund we had set up for Erika has been transferred to a new account for Punkie. It is very small but at least there is something. All other account numbers Erika had or published have been closed. This is important to note since the account was victimized by fraud and a new account opened prior to Erika's passing. Now that 2nd account has been closed as well.

It amazes me how I have changed since August 2004. Since finding out about the AML and living the nightmare of terminal illness in a family member. There was a time in my life where I believed that grief was a thing someone went through and when it was over you were okay. It isn't over. It isn't OK. It doesn't end. You change. You cope. You learn to adapt to these feelings and gradually you begin to realize that you'd rather live with the pain and the memories than to forget. The tears are bittersweet but each one has a special meaning attached and I treasure them all.

If any of Erika's friends want to join me on the 13th you can give blood, platelets or red blood cells at Carter BloodCare. Please donate the credits you receive for your donation to a patient with Leukemia. They need all the help you can give them!

Her memorial is still online thanks to Kevin. You can find it at DFWPhoto.org [link] Drop by and visit. DFWPhoto.org also hosts her gallery as well at this [link]

In memory of Erika L. Warbington

2/12/84 - 7/13/05

~ Erika's Aunt Reba

Before receiving the proper medical care that I needed I would suffer from terrible depressions and occasional mild manic highs. The highs were ok since they were a break from the depression but there was a silver lining in the chaos. While depressed I'd write poetry - volumes of it in days. When I was stabilized the writing ended and. later I began the photography. But you cannot put the same thing into a photo as you can a poem and, even if I could, it came naturally back then like a flow. Like my photography does now.

I was in a funk during April and actually took my photography into a different realm. I shared two of these images here with you (DA) with less than rave reviews. Perhaps leaving the Safe road wasn't necessarily what I do best? Or is it you've come to expect a certain thing from me, a certain type of work, certain subjects, a certain feel?

- txsappho

(Added Mar 27)
(Added Mar 26)

Hey everyone, Erika's tribute page is still up. Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.org. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

(Added Mar 27)
(Added Mar 26)

Hey everyone, Erika's tribute page is still up. Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

Happy Birthday Erika!

Kenny Chesney
Album: The Road And The Radio.
Song: Who'd You Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Instrumental Break.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

_{Staff | Suggestion Guidelines | UA Chatroom | Random Deviant}

Tradart:

Echoes

~txsappho — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 22:24:08 PST

Hey everyone, Erika's tribute page is still up. Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

New pictures from Deep Ellum today.

Susan and I were there. First time I've been since Erika's Memorial in July. I felt like I was with her but at the same time I was chasing her shadow around corners trying to find her. Standing in the places shs stood, taking pictures of the things she photographed... I'm too tired now to go into it all. Suffice it to say that she was there every step of the way and you can see her touch in the photos I took today.

I miss you Erika - Happy New Year!

Love Reba

_{Staff | Suggestion Guidelines | UA Chatroom | Random Deviant}

Tradart:

selected by:
^De-Profundis

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Digiart:

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

RECENT

=txsappho

is a deviant since Jul 31, 2004, 5:57 PM
is subscribed until Feb 7, 2006, 8:21 PM
has 9,000 pageviews

***Would ya look at that?***

Check out the new webcam pic!

~txsappho — Sat, 10 Dec 2005 20:36:14 PST

Hey everyone, Erika's tribute page is still up. Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

WebCam Picture:

That's the new Nikon D200 with MB-D200 vertical release battery grip and the Nikon AF-S Nikkor 70-200mm f/2.8G VR IF-ED telephoto zoom lens!! 'Course, I have my eye on the new Nikon AF-S DX 18-200mm f/3.5-5.6G VR IF-ED Nikkor Zoom!!

On to other things...

I still have some other pictures to add but not tonight... Maybe tomorrow...

Ciao!

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

THEY'RE HERE!!

Remember the last two images I put here in my journal that were not yet added to my DA gallery but instead out on DFW Photo? Well, I just added them and six others thus far. It would be far easier, and quicker, without all the multiple screens and having to think up a title, description, and blah, blah, blah... Whatever happened to leaving the interpretation up to the viewer? Anyway, I digress... Eight plus screens per image (deviation plus print)... and we have only eight submitted so far. We need to be able to batch load this stuff and then go back and edit it before we post it. Kind of like the FTP files for the prints.

Anyway, if you click my website button it will take you to my DFWPhoto Gallery to see the others. Feel free to leave a comment there too if you like.

They're Here!!

25+ New Images...

~txsappho — Thu, 01 Dec 2005 21:26:34 PST

Hey everyone, Erika's tribute page is still up. Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

>TWENTY+ New Images!!

I haven't posted them on deviantART yet put they are on my DFWPhoto site... [link] (dfwphoto com/gallery /reba)

TWENTY+ New Images!!

txsappho

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defining light | gallery | prints
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My BabyGirl!:

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

TXSapphos Twenty Things

1. I am an intensively private person when you get down to the things that matter. The circle of people around me is tight, small, and exclusive. I'm not withdrawn or introverted just protective.

2. I really cannot stand answering questions about myself like this; it makes me feel somehow vulnerable. But, this is for Avadon.

3. I didn't start off as a photographer... I wrote poetry and short stories all through Jr. High and Sr. High school. I didn't pick up a camera until 1996.

4. I can't draw at all.

5. I am a gadget queen. If it is new technology and cool then it is on my wish list or already in my possession. Did I mention I got the new iPod Video?? (yeah, it rocks!)

6. If I died right now I would feel that I had all I ever wanted, that I was loved in this world and in the next.

7. I had reconstructive surgery when I was 20 to fix my jaw structure. It never grew when I went through puberty so I had a bad overbite that even 1.5 years of braces didn't really help with. Consequently no one from high school recognizes me... The 10 year reunion was a blast.

8. I am the youngest of 5 kids. My parents are still married and going on 50 years together. I believe that how I was raised and the stability of my home greatly influenced my choice of a partner - who is also the youngest of 5 and whose parents have been together 50+ years... We have the same values, principles, and views on 98.9 % of all subjects. That little bit of difference is enough variation for me. We're going on our 9th anniversary (11/27) and still haven't fought.

9. I am pro-choice BUT anti-abortion. Confused? I think I fall in where the majority of folks do these days. I don't believe it should be illegal but should be used only in the right circumstances. I do not believe it should be used for birth control or to get rid of an inconvenient pregnancy. Bottom line though, I don't believe I have the right to impose my beliefs or opinions on anyone.

10. Two greatest books ever written: The Bible and Ishmael. On the former I recommen...

Rock on little sister... rock on...

~txsappho — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 00:44:39 PST

Hey everyone, Erika's tribute page is still up. Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

It's been a while folks. Anyone miss me? ;> I tend to run in cycles folks so don't worry if you don't hear from me. My low periods are usually around April and again around October. I produce less, I socialize less, and I generally just keep to myself even at home. Don't ask me to explain it because it would take more time than you care to sit still for and I'm not sure you really want all that information anyway. So, let's just suffice to say that I have my high and low tides.

With that said... here we go... The holidays are coming and they are taking their affect on me. Last Thanksgiving was our last Holiday spent as a family with Erika attending. This Thanksgiving will be our first Holiday without her.

From my Blog - Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Four months... I'm still counting... so long and still just yesterday. The reality that Erika is gone is something that I am allowing myself to take in slowly. Somehow I can be okay most days - especially at work or around others - and then breakdown at the strangest moments while alone. I know its normal and, thankfully, at least I know I have to go through this in my own way and in my own time. I just never thought I would be so private with my pain and grief. Then again... When I lost Max I grieved for him the same way.

There just doesn't feel like there is closure here. No way to tell her goodbye. No grave to visit. This song says it so well...

Kenny Chesney
Album: The Road And The Radio.
Song: Who'd You Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Instrumental Break.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

.... damn country and western songs.... no matter how strong I am I end up in tears everytime I hear it.

Erika I thought you were so cool, pretty, talented, brave, and positive. If ever I have to face an obstacle as vicious as you did I'd want to live like you did - Strong.

Rock on little sister... rock on...

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

Friends, Lurkers, and Visitors...

I never thought I would have to be one to say it... I mean, I never thought my work would be good enough for anyone to be interested in it... BUT...

Please do not use my work without my explicit written permission. ALL of my work is copyrighted with All Rights Reserved and labeled as such with my copyright watermark. IT IS NOT STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY.

REFERENCE PHOTOS:

If you draw or paint and you would like to use a photo for reference to practice your technique in drawing certain animals or objects that may exist in one of my photographs and you do not intend to reproduce the picture in whole or part by any means (reprint, copy, photocopy, trace, pencil, pen, painting, photography, etc.) then CONTACT ME DIRECTLY via e-mail for permission first (info@defininglight.com). However, do not use this as stock photography or reference material for a new piece.

I hope folks can understand that for me this is more than a hobby. I sell my work and to do that I have to protect it.

I appreciate your understanding.

Reba Warbington
defining light photography
Arlington, TX
info@defininglightphoto.com
sales@defininglightphoto.com

Scaps, revisions, kids, and Mustangs...

~txsappho — Tue, 20 Sep 2005 20:29:39 PDT

Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

Okay - =ZjeerY , Fresh from the Scrap pile... THIS is Tempest... In October it will be a year since I've seen her...

Oh.. this one was funny... we were driving and saw this brand-new 2005 Mustang GT in a parking lot. The ink wasn't even dry on the paper tag yet! So... I jump out and, enthusiast that I am, start a shooting the car. The owner shows up and he's ticked. WTF? I'd be like flattered if someone was admiring my car like that! I didn't TOUCH it... Anyway, we were in a Saturn, not my Mustang, so it was hand to say "Hey, I'm a owner"... Oh well, he'll get over it. I got some great shots... Like this one:

Three more kid pictures!!!

"Blaze" has been revised:

I had an 8x10 of this printed out locally today and it is on my wall here next to the computer along with the promo featured on the image and the black mustang license plate seen on Tempest. Speaking of, folks if you have a Best Buy Imagelab in your area they do GOOD WORK... I send stuff to them and pick it up same day. [link]

WOW!! What did you think of the Big Brother finale? (I won't ruin it for those that havent seen it...) I liked the way Ivette's GF greeted her!!

OMFG! Sunday night I found two Sasha albums I wanted. Monday Susan picks me up for lunch and guess what was on the seat??? Oh YEAH!! Sasha - Involver and Sasha - Fundacion NYC - BabyGirl I LOVE YOU!

and to all!!

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

The kid pictures are up now - three so far anyway. More to follow!

Oh... and one of my car...

I have several pictures to share with you folks but as they are of little folks (not mine) I need to get the proper paperwork/permission in order before putting them up for the world to see. In the meantime... here are three to amuse you...

Been a long weekend... very little sleep... Monday is here already...

Cruise on over to this Journal for some uber awsome work:

On your way out the door pat your local dA admin on the head and tell them how much you appreciate the job they do... without them we wouldn't have all this fun!!

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

September 13th...

Its been 2 months... 62 days to be exact...

There are good days and some really bad days. The bad ones are sneaky though and I find the tears come on hard and fast in some of the strangest and most inopportune moments. But I know everything is okay because usually I'm laughing soon after as I remember something she said or did that was just so... Erika...

Tomorrow I have the first of three steriod shots in my back in this series. This is the second series. Fun Fun. Its gotta be better than living on Tylenol 3 with Codeine or Hydrocodone.

Yes, my back is interfering with the ability to go take pictures and no, I do not have any new pictures to show you right now. I have taken some great photos of Susan's great nephews and niece but... I don't have releases so I can't but them on here...

Oh well..

Okay kids, this one is crashing. Love to all.

PS: Thanks everyone for the comments, favorites, and adds. I promise to get to those later this week!!!

txsappho

Unwelcomed...

~txsappho — Thu, 01 Sep 2005 16:10:18 PDT

Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

Well my friends... I'm back from the doctor and although the news wasn't necessarily bad, per se, it wasn't exactly welcomed. For those that don't remember, I had a round of three steroid injections in my back earlier this year and they were a blessing! Overnight the pain was gone and I could walk, sit, move, and PHOTOGRAPH without pain again. We like to go to zoos and parks, remote places, and I take my equipment everywhere. I have a kick-ass Tamrac backpack I just got for my birthday that is better than the last one. Pictures like "Unnoticed" came from having the gear with me not off at home waiting for my day job to end and my photography evenings and weekends to start.

Back to today... My last shot was in May. Its September 1st... They usually don't like to do these again within six months... but I'll have to go back and repeat them. If this doesn't do it folks I'll find myself with a referral to a surgeon.

I'm not afraid to have surgery or to do what is necessary for my health. I'm scared of what this means to my photography... Will I lose the opportunities that I feel are beginning to open up for me? Will I still be able to photograph the things I love the way I love to photograph them? When I accepted that I was Bipolar and that maintaining stability required maintaining medications I lost my ability to write the volumes and volumes of poetry that literally poured out of me before I was diagnosed. I lost that creative edge. Or so I thought.

I found it again here, behind the lens of a camera and I'm scared that I'll lose sight of it once more never to find it again. This is my passion, my life and my soul.

--------------------

My other web haunts:
DFW PHOTO
FLICKR
DEFINING LIGHT PHOTOGRAPHY
BLUE BLAZE

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

Well, those last two pictures picked up some favorites pretty quick!!

Oh no you DIDN'T...

~Jabbajaw
~photochick18

You WILL feed me...

=Marie-Aude
~Jabbajaw
~Harayken
~photochick18
~inulittleone
~Crystalsm
~Z-Vincent
~fairyflesh

Here's a bit more for you. These are not on dA yet...

<>

For more of those cute pitbull dogs you can check out more of that shoot here:

Flickr Set - Lady and Red
[link]

txsappho

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defining light | gallery | prints
-------------
My BabyGirl!:

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

CORRECTED LINK TO FLICKR BELOW 8/30/05 @ 10:49 PM CST

I just got caught up on Favorites and Comments... (Yeah Me!!) so I posted two new pics... I have MANY more to show you. I've been busy... My backs hurting again so, like the good little trouper, I photograph what is accessible so that means all three indoor cats, the dogs, the outdoor (read: feral/stray) cats and Austin, and the neighbors' dogs. Hell the other neighbor (other side) has a bunch of guys over all the time putting Turbos on new Nissan Z's so a few Z's have ended up in my view finder.

And, if that isn't enough... I've been on Flickr quite a bit lately. I like the "no stress" feeling. If you know Flickr then you know what I mean. Here's my site there: [link] Come check it out sometime!

I am very sleepy so I'm crashing...

and to all!!!!

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

I have been really lax in updating, attending to favorites, notes, comments, or deviations. I sincerely apologize. I have now responded to my comments and polls. There were quite a few favorites piled up and a few new friends. Here are the favorites:

*VanGargoyle
`insaneone
~8088
~AvErAGE-FreaK05
~Benalene
~DexterousDamsel
~dicart
~dstructure84
~ghetto-hippy
~Gymnart
~Jabbajaw
~jennee
~Jungle-Jew
~Klikster
~nahajka
~Nefarous (3 faves!)
~photochick18
~pimpwok
~ryus-girl
~ScorpionChild
~shagrars
~sitar
~speedfox
~tophattedtragedy
~Z-Vincent
=RetaeaNicole (8 faves!)
=avadon
=Marie-Aude
=roninbearz
=sollitaire
=unklsanta
=wazabees

And my New Friends
~mental-traffic
=savemejeebus
~dstructure84
~Alphatude
~notsoinsanegirl

Other than that, its been 98-101 degrees here so taking photos outside is a bit hard. I've been itching to get out and do another shoot. We'll see what the next couple of weeks brings.

Oh... and check this out!

Christmas is coming!

...
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<h1>6,666</h1>
<p>~txsappho — Fri, 12 Aug 2005 20:58:44 PDT</p>
</img><br />
Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: <a href=

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

*txsappho
defining light photography
is a Deviant of Many Talents
is Female
is a deviant since Jul 31, 2004, 6:57 PM
is subscribed until Nov 5, 2005, 11:17 PM
has 6,666 pageviews

6,666 huh? Interesting...

Update to follow with new pics.

txsappho

-------------
defining light | gallery | prints
-------------
My BabyGirl!:

blue blaze

~txsappho — Mon, 08 Aug 2005 21:41:17 PDT

Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

I'm afraid I've been holding out on you folks. I've been posting my writing in my blog and my photography here so consequently my journals are a bit on the light side. It may appear that I do not have much to say right now. That is far from the truth.

Some folks here on DA prefer to use their journals to post professional info or inspirational, even motivational, words of wisdom (love you Susan!). As much as I may try to refrain from putting my emotion or personality here on this screen I'm afraid I'm not able to. I try to remind myself that family and friends (and co-workers?) are reading this... but perhaps that isn't such a bad thing. Maybe they will gain a better insight as to who they think they know.

So... I share with you the last two postings from my blog "blue blaze".

silence
Monday, August 08, 2005

A lack of words from me lately does not constitute a peace with all that has happened. Merely the beginnings of acceptance.

Within a year I've watched my world flip upside down. I've lost someone I care more about that I truly realized until it was too late. Along the way I found parts of myself I thought were gone forever. Now, standing here, I have discovered that despite all I've been told, all I've been fed, I'm far stronger than I ever imagined. To be vunerable, to cry, to hurt does not make you weak. To be able to express these things and yet stand still and support your family when you want to run and hide is strength, is iron will, is commitment, is love. I'm more humble now, freer to say what I feel, what I want, because it matters now. I feel that I have presence, a place, a reason, a time, and it is now.

posted by Reba @ 12:10 PM
-------------------

But it is
Saturday, July 30, 2005

Another week has now ended and soon August will begin. In two days it will be the 1st. Then comes the countdown to the one month anniversary of Erika's death. I keep trying to shock myself with those words when I am in a position to actually let go and cry but it is locked down pretty tight.

I want to talk about her - eulogize I think is the term but I don't think I spelled it right - but that is best done with the folks who know her. However when I am with them I always end up in a supportive roll and my emotions are surpressed yet again.

You know when you are hurting and you want to cry how you feel the pain physically in your chest? How it causes you to lose your breath and your heart feels like it is literally being torn in two? I feel this ache all the way to my fingertips, my mind starts screaming, I feel panicky, and everything inside is total chaos, multiplying by thousands every second. My only chance is to stuff it down and pretend it isn't there.

But it is.

posted by Reba @ 1:31 AM
-----------------------------

CHEERS: Birthday Presents!! I love shopping on eBay!!
JEERS: All the crap. Its not our business. The "community" should just leave it alone. You're only making it worse. I'm sure Jark's a nice guy and I'm all for community, but let's not use DA and its members as a way to voice or settle disputes. Take it outside boys.

My Birthday Presents from Susan...
She gave me $500 for a shopping trip... Of course it had to be for photography stuff... pffft! Looked at local stores vs online stores and then I looked at ebay... Eureka! I had no idea!!! In one night I found everything I wanted...

Received today:
Sandisk 1GB ULTRA II Compact Flash Card NEW 1 GB CF
Nikon D70 D50 Wireless Remote Control ML-L3 *NEW*

...

The difference a year makes...

~txsappho — Fri, 05 Aug 2005 21:47:24 PDT

Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

8/4/04: I remember that I hadn't heard from Erika in a couple of days and that she was sick. I knew she needed to be seen and wanted to approach my folks about helping her but didn't want to do that without asking her first. I sent her an e-mail on 8/1/04 but instead on the 4th, in the afternoon, my mother and Susan show up at my work totally unannounced knowing that if they had called ahead that I'd be a basket case. We left immediatly for the hospital.

Isn't it strange how in just moments your life changes completely, forever, and there is nothing you can do to ever put it back again? At that second the ground beneath you opens and the prayers, the hope, the tears, the pleading, the anger, the despair all begin in concert in an attempt to keep you out of the darkness that has suddenly materialized in your life.

8/4/05: Its hard to believe that the fight was so long and yet so short. That she isn't here with us any more. That I won't hear her laugh or see her make some of those purely Erika expressions. Its hard to smile and say all the right social things when folks ask how I'm doing. I miss her and its going to take time before it stops hurting so much but I don't let anyone see it. I want to live my life like she lived hers. I'm trying to celebrate her life, what her life meant to me, what she meant to me, and cherish the memories.

New Toys just ordered -- updated

Nikon BR-2A Lens Reversing Ring - 52mm Thread
Nikon BR-5 Adapter Ring 62-52mm for BR-2A Reversing Ring & 62mm Lenses
62mm-67mm Step-Up Ring (Lens to Filter)
67mm-62mm Step-Down Ring (Lens to Filter)

Now I will be able to mount my 18-70mm lens in reverse for some really good magnification (read Macro shots). [correction: the lenses I have are AF only (no aperture ring) and cannot be used in reverse mount.]

Also,the rings will let me put the Close Up filters I have on my 70-300 Telephoto, and my Polarizer on the 18-70mm. (The 67mm polarizer was trashed when I dropped the camera. It shattered but it saved the lens and consequently the camera. Folks... Keep those filters and hoods on those expensive lenses!!!)

Step up and step down worked like a charm. Even the one for Susan's camera.

Previous Thumbnails:

New Toys...

~txsappho — Wed, 27 Jul 2005 22:50:10 PDT

Please go by and sign Erika's tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

New Toys just ordered:

Nikon BR-2A Lens Reversing Ring - 52mm Thread
Nikon BR-5 Adapter Ring 62-52mm for BR-2A Reversing Ring & 62mm Lenses
62mm-67mm Step-Up Ring (Lens to Filter)
67mm-62mm Step-Down Ring (Lens to Filter)

Now I will be able to mount my 18-70mm lens in reverse for some really good magnification (read Macro shots). Also, the rings will let me put the Close Up filters I have on my 70-300 Telephoto, and my Polarizer on the 18-70mm. (The 67mm polarizer was trashed when I dropped the camera. It shattered but it saved the lens and consequently the camera. Folks... Keep those filters and hoods on those expensive lenses!!!)

This last ring is for Susan:

55mm-67mm Step-Up Ring (Lens to Filter)

This will let her use the Close Up Filters (67mm) on her Kodak DX7590 with the 55mm lens adapter that she currently has.

From the last journal...

[link] (If you have problems getting to the SUBMIT button use the tab key.)

Its going to take time... and lots of baby steps... but its going to be okay. Like I said in the previous journal, I'm concentrating on celebrating her life, not mourning her death.

My way of honoring Erika, in addition to the photography:

Erika was a very brave, strong, beautiful person. I don't have to tell you folks how I feel about her... you already know and I don't think I can keep from breaking down if I did... but she wouldn't want me to remember her by mourning her passing... she would want me to remember her by celebrating her life.

Folks, please go by and sign her tribute page at dfwphoto.com. You can find a link to it at her gallery page or here: [link]

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that God
Was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone;
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,
Your love is still our guide;
And though we can not see you,
You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same;
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

==============================

Let Me Go

We've known lots of pleasure,
At times endured pain,
We've lived in the sunshine
And walked in the rain.

But now we're separated
And for a time apart,
But I am not alone-
You're forever in my heart.

Death always seems so sudden,
And it is always sure,
But what is often forgotten -
It is not without a cure.

I'm walking now with someone ,
And I know He'll always stay,
I know He's walking with you too,
Giving comfort everyday.

There may be times you miss me,
I sort of hope you do,
But smile when you think of me,
For I'll be waiting for you.

Now there's are many things for you to do,
And lots of ways to grow,
So get busy, be happy, and live your life,
Miss me, but let me go.

*strivingtoexist - Tribute Service Information

UPDATE 7/20/05

Click here to submit a message for Erika's Tribute, her family, and her daughter.

Link will take you to a tribute at dfwphoto.com.

Created by Kevin Gibbs who asked that I submit it here. Kevin will be eventually print out all entries so that they can be saved for Ariana.

"There is one less light in the world but one more star in the sky." ======================

Its been a week... The hives I've had off and on for weeks (months) are still here... I finally went to the doctor when they got real bad. He says they are from stress. Ok, I figured they might be but WTF? Surely we can do SOMETHING about it... right? No, not really. We can treat the symptoms with anti-histamines but the cause will have to work itself out with time. Sometimes it sucks to have the same doctor that your parents do... they already know all the family news. Good thing is I still have standing prescriptions for anti-anxiety medications if they are needed...

I caved in and bought a pack of cigarettes this morning. Significant since I quit smoking 1/31/05 after Erika's transplant... and when things settle down again I will quit again. I have to - I have video of Erika from Thansgiving where she pointedly tells me to quit smoking.

OMG, I really miss her! I keep riding this rollercoaster of emotions from disbelief to panic to anger to devestation back to numb again. Folks say "You're taking this better than I thought you would..." Meaning they haven't seen me fall apart or cry in front of them. I haven't allowed myself to do that yet and eventually it is going to happen and that scares the shit out of me.

"There is one less light in the world but one more star in the sky."

UPDATE: 7/13/05

At 4:10 AM this morning, after 11 months of battle, Erika has passed away. She was with family, loved ones, and friends. Due to her wishes, there will not be a funeral. Instead a memorial service will be held in approximately a week. The information will be posted here and her page when those details are available.

The family has asked that in lieu of flowers contributions can be made to the Erika L. Warbington Fund.

Bank of America
0047 8638 7690

This fund has been used thus far to pay medical expenses and related needs. The remainder of the fund will be held in trust for her daughter.

Thank you everyone for your comments, your love, your understanding. I only wish she could have seen this. Thank you Angelo...

With much love and tears,
Reba

"There is one less light in the world but one more star in the sky."

ATTN: Friends of Erika

~txsappho — Wed, 13 Jul 2005 04:10:38 PDT

UPDATE: 7/13/05

At 4:10 AM this morning, after 11 months of battle, Erika has passed away. She was with family, loved ones, and friends. Due to her wishes, there will not be a funeral. Instead a memorial service will be held in approximately a week. The information will be posted here and her page when those details are available.

The family has asked that in lieu of flowers contributions can be made to the Erika L. Warbington Fund.

Bank of America
0047 8638 7690

This fund has been used thus far to pay medical expenses and related needs. The remainder of the fund will be held in trust for her daughter.

Thank you everyone for your comments, your love, your understanding. I only wish she could have seen this. Thank you Angelo...

With much love and tears,
Reba

"There is one less light in the world but one more star in the sky."

Attention: Friends of Erika
Family and friends are gathering at her bedside as the time is very near (a matter of hours). Please...if you are a friend of Erika's...please contact me at 817-538-2384 and I will give you directions to her house if you wish to say goodbye...your presence there would be very much appreciated by her and her family...show up and give her an outpouring of your love as she journeys from this world to the next.

If you are unable to come, then please remember her and her family in your prayers

Txsappho
(Reba)

Erika

~txsappho — Mon, 11 Jul 2005 01:17:58 PDT

Her days grow shorter... See her journal for specifics. I'm staying busy and, as always, my photography soothes.

ADDITION 7-5-05: Please do not comment here...

Please go by Erika's journal and post to her, Mandi, her mother, father and brother instead.

Erika has been fighting this with more grace and absolute conviction than I would think could be humanly possible. Her mother has been by her side literaly every day as friend, nurse, mother... Many more roles than I can comprehend or envision. She's been infallible. Erika's father has tried to do what fathers are supposed to do - dig in and support the family financially, emotionally, and remain the keystone of the family, the strength that everyone draws from. Her brother has been helping out where he can, being there for Mandi, for his Mom and Dad... basically "being there" when it matters the most... and then there's Mandi... who at 12 gave almost a liter of bone marrow for the transplant... who has been right in the middle of all of this... who may be affected more than anyone realizes by the stress of all of it...

That family has been through HELL. It breaks my heart to see it, to know that there's not a damn thing I can do to fix it or stop it. It hurts to know that this is MY family and they are suffering.

So, no folks I wouldn't call this anything but an Aunt that is upset over these events in the life of her niece and the lives of her brother's family. If that makes me brave or strong - OK. Actually I feel more sad, heartbroken, and scared but I will have to keep the facade in place as long as possible. That's just what we southern women do.

I have tried really hard to act like this isn't really happening. You know... go about the day to day life as if tomorrow will always be there for all of us - Erika included. I mean, I can't imagine her not being here. But its getting harder and harder to pretend when I know that I have to face this.

I've tried to be strong. To be a pillar for my family. Maybe that's why I keep stuffing my feelings down. I don't know. Eventually the shit has to come up and when it does its a tidal wave.

Erika is now in hospice care. She has pneumonia. Hospice doesn't do the blood products thing so no more platelets or red blood cells if she needs them. They are making her as comfortable as possible. That is so fucked up. She's only 21! This should not be happening!

A constant flow of images keeps going through my head. Erika as an infant, a toddler, a little kid, when she came back from SF, living in Dallas, Keller...

229 Years...

~txsappho — Sun, 03 Jul 2005 20:19:30 PDT

229 Years you'd think we'd get our shit figured out by now huh? USA is still a baby compared to most countries. We still have issues, BIG ONES, that we have to work out.

But for me... to walk through that cemetary yesterday and know that each marker indicated a person who pledged their life to protect everything we hold true - love, respect, honor, life, liberty, our rights - they agreed to die for what they believed and some did. My brothers and my father took that oath. My ancestors on both sides stood and did the same. Our blood has spilled on this ground. There is no way to thank someone for that commitment.

Thank you to these folks for all the wonderful FAVORITES this week!!

~Harayken
~kalamu
~megayama
~mokona73stock
~photochick18
~Rocker-Hoz
~Sugaricing
~Wings-Of-A-Messiah
~zambullidamisterioso
=couleur
=tsel
=Undercover-Archangel
=ZjeerY

We're not sure where he was but he was on the front porch the morning but still only eating or drinking very little. I managed to pick him up but right before I actually touched him I could feel the heat coming off of his little body. He was running a very high fever.

I put him in a carrier and off to the vet he went. They almost missed it but they did find a bite wound on the rear right leg that had become infected. Nothing was contagious although we did not run a Feline Leukemia or Feline HIV test. Vet gave him a couple shots of antibiotics and some more antibiotics to take at home.

Susan, knowing we have no where to keep him, put him back with his mother and brother on the porch. She gets him in the evening for his medication. He's doing much better now!

Please read previous Journal entry: PEOPLE SUCK! - Goodbye Artemis (Diana)! on Jun 26, 2005
[link]

June 29, 2005

Apollo is gone...

APOLLO

We don't know where he is and haven't seen him since Monday morning. We are praying that he'll turn up but I'm afraid that our worst fears may have been realized. If he was indeed sick then it may have been some chemical that he and Artemis got a hold of either by mistake or intent (poisoning).

We haven't given up all hope. Adonis was missing for a week or two until suddenly he was just "there" again with his mother on our porch. So... hopefully Punkin just has him resting somewhere...

Hopefully...

Pikachu II
[link]

Also from previous journal entry:

ARTEMIS

MOUSER TRAINING

ADONIS

ZEUS

Please read previous Journal entry: PEOPLE SUCK! - Goodbye Artemis (Diana)! on Jun 26, 2005 [link]

----------------------------------

********
I've posted multiple deviations today with images of Artemis (Diana), her brothers, and her father, Zeus. Her mother, Punkin, is already in my Gallery here: [link]

I've posted all those comments here in this journal with links to those images...
********

ARTEMIS

Artemis (Diana), the daughter of Zeus and Punkin sister to "the boys", Apollo and
Adonis [link]

Sadly, our little one left us last night. We don't know if it was a car or ???. There was no indication of trama--no blood. She was found with Adonis standing over her. Little Apollo did not eat last night and will not play today. He seems sick. I hope they did not get into something, or worse, be given something by a non-sympathetic neighbor. Adonis seems ok as do the parents. Hot and miserable but ok.

MOUSER TRAINING

Artemis (aka Diana) -- Taken on 6/23/05 - Artemis left us 6/25/05

People are cruel! If it was a car that took her life could they not even FREAKING STOP
when they hit her? Are people so insensitive, so egotistical to believe that a kitten's life
doesn't matter? How arrogant!

If it was a neighbor who decided to play God and rid the neighborhood of the cats... How dare they harm these animals!! God put these creatures here - these are His, not ours.

Maybe they should look again and see that what we're doing is working. The cats are not into the garbage or killing birds like before. They have a food source, clean water, shelter.

They have the basic necessities of life. They do not hunt for pleasure. They do not have sex for pleasure. They are instinctive animals. If we can sterilize at least the females, provide them with their basics, their colonys will dwindle -- that has happened here. If people will spay and neuter their PETS and keep them indoors it would help. These cats are the result, not the cause, and it is not right what is happening to them.

APOLLO

He's ate little today and seems sluggish. He refused to play with me or his brother Adonis.

ADONIS

Adonis was the one found standing over Artemis' body and later, when we brought her out one last time to make sure everyone saw her he went straight to her, licked her head and ears then laid down next to her and didn't move until we finally retrieved her. But the hardest I think was the way Punkin (Pumpkin Susan says!) looked at her in my hands, then looked me in the eyes, then back at Artemis. She watched me put her down and back away. She sniffed her, licked her, then layed down a few feet away and watched her.

The father arrived shortly after this all occurred and has stayed closed to the family unit all last night and today. He too approached her and then joined Punkin.

Anyone that says that animals don't grieve is full of it. They needed to know what happened - that she was gone not just missing. I've seen females cry and call for kittens that were lost. Kittens that they didn't know what happened to them so there was no closure. I've seen cats come together when one has fallen and just BE together. There's actual verbal and non-verbal communication that anyone with a heart and any emotional intelligence can understand. These colonies are families. When one is lost they all grieve. A piece of their whole is gone.

ZEUS

[link]

It has been a WHIRLWIND of activity since we got back. I have been working on a major multi-phase project at work that, thankfully, I left the worst for AFTER vacation. Phase I completed on May 22nd with the successful conversion to a new voicemail server and software package for our company. Phase II completed June 16th with the conversion to new telephone service type, moving of phone lines to the PBX, eliminating the vacated lines, streamlining 800 numbers (keeping 21 and removing 32), and reorganizing the Fire Alarm/Security Alarm panels on dedicated phone lines and removing lines we don't need. Phase III will be in July. Phase IV, starting in August, will be our Private Service 911 service that I will establish with our county 911 service district. I hope to have that online by mid-September to mid-October. Fun, Fun, Fun!! This entire project started in December of last year with the initial questions, phone calls, and meetings... It is the first update to our telecom system sans wireless phones since 1999. So... my photography has been on the back burner and my visits to dA scarce lately. My apologies to watchers and friends alike. With Phase III and IV on the horizon I cannot honestly say it will get better but the intensity should lessen and free time should increase. (No more 20+ hours of OT)

ALSO... someone stole the account number for Erika's Contribution Fund and had checks printed for it. They then proceeded to write a check against the account that, if the bank had not caught it, would have wiped us out. Luckily the teller was vigilant and attentive to details.

Unfortunately this has cause MAJOR ISSUES. The account was frozen, I had to close it and open another one. They set that up incorrectly and today I have to go close THAT one and reopen it again. They still have not released the hold on the original account or transferred any funds from it. Erika's mother needed money to pay for some of Erika's prescriptions and Erika's grandmother (~GinaTX1) paid it upfront until the fund could be re-established.

I'll be busy today with that...

DFW DEVMEET - July 9th
[link]

If you left me a comment or note: thank you! I will try to respond as soon as I can!

New Friends and Watchers! WELCOME!
~dasSchlingel
~morrisbydesigns
=avadon

Thank you to the following for the FAVORITES!!!

%fangedfem
*AshleyXBrooke87
*CaroleLee
*DesertBlu
*krazedkazoo
*sisterbiscuit
*Sugaricing
*tsel
~babygirl0504
~Benalene
~dasSchlingel
~DLO17
~frtosi
~oxclassxo
~photochick18
~Raiyaniza
~reznography
~saily
~SaiyanAngelS 14
~SaiyanAngelSam14
~SpaceWhore
~Sreen
~strl
~the-last-defence
~v pyrebat
~vampyrebat
~Wolvenish
=Love-Loyalty-Friends

CHEERS: Three day weekends!!
JEERS: Jerks that steal account numbers and write bad checks!!!

More Erika info and updates: See her journal!

Gotta run some errands... later!!

----------------------------------

Vacation is almost over...

~txsappho — Mon, 06 Jun 2005 01:56:18 PDT

Just got home today from a wonderful weekend in Oklahoma. We spent Friday evening to Sunday morning at a cabin in Beaver's Bend Resort. The Cabin and the scenery were absolutely gorgeous. We have Nextel and our cell phones lost signal when we turned off of I-30 in Texas. There is no phone in the cabin and no internet access. Cable TV, but that's all. I really needed that. I needed to totally decompress, to turn off my cell, not worry about work, my folks, Erika, my family, quit reading the e-mails coming through on my phone. I needed to concentrate on me, on Susan, on letting go, holding on, and knowing the difference.

This last year has made me stop dead in my tracks and look around me. I feel like I've stopped and the flow of life is a raging current all around me. I can see where I was just 5, 10, hell 15 years ago and I see what is coming. I can't stop it and it scares me. When you're young you don't think about anything but the here and the now; everyone lives forever and there are no goodbyes. No one is ever prepared for the inevitable, for the normal progression of life, that I see rushing at me at lightning speed. Will I be strong enough?

New Images:

.: Reba :.
defining light photography
-------------
defining light | gallery | prints
-------------
My BabyGirl!

The Big 3K!

~txsappho — Mon, 06 Jun 2005 00:59:16 PDT

=txsappho
defining light photography
is a Deviant of Many Talents
is Female
is a deviant since Jul 31, 2004, 6:57 PM
is subscribed until Aug 5, 2005, 10:11 PM
has 3,000 pageviews

.: Reba :.
defining light photography
-------------
defining light | gallery | prints
-------------
My BabyGirl!

I went for a walk...

~txsappho — Tue, 31 May 2005 23:25:45 PDT

I went for a walk yesterday morning... in our front yard...

Mini Gallery:

PRINT NOW AVAILABLE!

These are just a small sample of what was taken... More to come!

.: Reba :.
defining light photography
-------------
defining light | gallery | prints
-------------
My BabyGirl!

..::::silence::::..

~txsappho — Sat, 28 May 2005 14:15:34 PDT

Two months have passed but I can't possibly put what I'm feeling into words any better than I did that morning...

========================================
Striving To Exist - Erika
Journal Entry: Wed Mar 23, 2005, 3:18 AM
Mood: Praying
Reading: The Message / Remix
Watching: Striving To Exist

Some time in May 2003 Erika changed her DA identity from ~eccentricemogrl to *strivingtoexist. I know that I cannot possibly know everything that was going on in her life just before that time but I do remember it was pretty rough. To have chosen the name Striving To Exist just seems so effing prophetic now. I've found some of her old photographs and she looks so good it hurts. I've found some of her words and I'm left speechless. I need so much more time, a lifetime more, to get to know the real Erika... the one she keeps hidden close to her soul.

I want to thank everyone who has donated blood and platelets in Erika's name as well as donated money to her contribution fund. You will never know how much this has truly helped. The fight isn't over! She still needs blood and platelet donations and if you can spare it, she needs monetary donations as well. Blood/Platelet donations provide credits against her bill for blood products. Trust me, she's had to use a lot. The fund has been paying for medical expenses that Medicade and Social Security (she doesn't have insurance) isn't paying. Please see her journal: *strivingtoexist.

========================================

Before Erika had the transplant she told me about a day where she was alone, driving, it was raining, everything was hitting her at once - this shit was real - and this song was on the radio. It was one of those defining moments than breaks down barriers and brings everything into focus.

========================================
Artist: Big Dismal
Song: Rainy Day
Movie: The Passion of the Christ

For Erika

On a rainy day
I feel like I can change the world
Cause somehow I know that it's all gonna be alright
And on a rainy day
I can feel my heart beating
And I can taste the tears falling from the sky

On a rainy day
(won't You come and save the world?)
On a rainy day
(I know You're looking down on me)

Love
It keeps us hanging on
Even when all hope is gone
I believe that Your love rains down on me

Faith
It carries us away
It takes us to a place
Far above this world
And I can see you in the clouds
On a rainy day

On a rainy day
I feel like I'm in tune
And I can clearly see how much I have to lose
And on a rainy day
I feel like I am free
Cause I know You did it all to rescue me

On a rainy day
(won't You come and save the world?)
On a rainy day
(I know You're looking down on me)

Love
It keeps us hanging on
Even when all hope is gone
I believe that Your love rains down on me
Faith
It carries us away
It takes us to a place
Far above this world
And I can see you in the clouds
On a rainy day

Won't You come and save the world?
Won't You come and save the world?
Won't You come and save the world for You and me?
Won't You come and save the world?
Won't You come and save the world?
Won't You come and save the world for You and me?

Love
It keeps us hanging on
Even when all hope is gone
I believe that Your love rains down on me

Faith
It carries us away
It takes us to a place
Far above this world
And I can see you in the clouds, yeah
Like a rainbow shining down
On a rainy day
Yeah, on a rainy day
On a rainy day
(Won't You come and save the world?)

.: Reba :.
defining light photography
-------------
defining light | gallery | prints
-------------
My BabyGirl!

More Hugs!! Thank you Everyone!!

~txsappho — Sat, 21 May 2005 13:17:06 PDT

Welcome My New Friends!!

*Stereozombiez has added you to their friends list. May 15, 2005, 2:29 PM
*strl has added you to their friends list. May 20, 2005, 5:17 AM
*tsel has added you to their friends list. May 15, 2005, 4:42 PM
~Jabbajaw has added you to their friends list. May 20, 2005, 11:12 AM
~WolfBear has added you to their friends list. May 20, 2005, 2:15 AM

Thank you everyone for the recent 's, comments, and views! Your support and feedback is SO IMPORTANT and I am very grateful for each and every one of you. I'm sorry that I have such limited time these days and I am unable to devote the individual time to thank each of you properly.

*Stereozombiez has added White Red-Tail Hawk I to their favourites. May 15, 2005, 2:24 PM
*Stereozombiez has added White Red-Tail Hawk II to their favourites. May 15, 2005, 2:27 PM
*strl has added Casey Marie to their favourites. May 21, 2005, 3:14 AM
*tsel has added Hidden to their favourites. May 15, 2005, 4:39 PM
~ErBungle has added Casey Marie to their favourites. May 20, 2005, 11:21 AM
~Jabbajaw has added Pikachu to their favourites. May 20, 2005, 11:11 AM
~jqka has added Casey Marie to their favourites. May 20, 2005, 9:22 PM
~photochick18 has added Casey Marie to their favourites. May 20, 2005, 11:11 PM
~photochick18 has added Hidden to their favourites. May 16, 2005, 8:08 PM
~photochick18 has added Pikachu to their favourites. May 20, 2005, 11:10 PM
~saily has added Scarlett Macaw to their favourites. May 17, 2005, 6:14 AM
~WhyGee has added Casey Marie to their favourites. May 20, 2005, 4:10 AM
~Yassei-Neko has added Pikachu to their favourites. May 20, 2005, 2:18 AM
~zambullidamisterioso has added Pikachu to their favourites. May 20, 2005, 11:50 AM
=bleedsopretty has added Casey Marie to their favourites. May 20, 2005, 10:51 PM
=Undercover-Archangel has added Marie to their favourites. May 15, 2005, 9:06 AM
=Undercover-Archangel has added Scarlett Macaw to their favourites. May 15, 2005, 9:11 AM

Looks like little Casey was a hit! Both of her pictures were quite active!

Another favorite of mine from this week: Hidden

MORE SOON I PROMISE!

.: Reba :.
defining light photography
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defining light | gallery | prints
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My BabyGirl!

Recent Deviations

~txsappho — Fri, 20 May 2005 01:56:30 PDT

My Recent Deviations are not showing up on my page... so I will put them here until they do...

Pikachu by txsappho

Casey Marie by txsappho

.: Reba

Group Hug: Thanks for all the favs!

~txsappho — Thu, 12 May 2005 22:20:38 PDT

I am SO BEHIND! I'll try not to make a habit of doing this...

I want to thank everyone on the following list for ing my work! You are VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!

* =TearSyden has added sunday drive to their favourites.
* ~Coppertop78 has added Scarlett Macaw to their favourites.
* *robbobert has added Don't Move to their favourites.
* *sandwedge has added the lookout to their favourites.
* *soleilevant has added introspection to their favourites.
* ~agyieus has added the lookout to their favourites.
* ~conspiracies has added Don't Move to their favourites.
* ~crixtina has added introspection to their favourites.
* ~Eialyne has added White Red-Tail Hawk II to their favourites.
* ~Meneerofongeveer has added Don't Move to their favourites.
* ~mlfan has added Don't Move to their favourites.
* ~morbidmoogle has added True Love to their favourites.
* ~photochick18 has added Scarlett Macaw to their favourites.
* ~photochick18 has added The Princess to their favourites.
* ~photochick18 has added True Love to their favourites.
* ~stacey-jayne-2005 has added Mornin' to their favourites.
* ~steponme has added Sunset Pier - Boy to their favourites.
* ~TrippyHippy5 has added True Love to their favourites.
* ~Wings-Of-A-Messiah has added introspection II to their favourites.
* ~xpicturesque has added Mornin' to their favourites.
* ~xpicturesque has added Sunset Pier - Boy to their favourites.
* ~zambullidamisterioso has added Sunset Pier - Boy to their favourites.
* =darkmatinee has added introspection II to their favourites.
* =TearSyden has added sunday drive to their favourites.
* =Undercover-Archangel has added anticipation to their favourites.
* =Undercover-Archangel has added introspection II to their favourites.
* =Undercover-Archangel has added Mornin' to their favourites.
* =Undercover-Archangel has added The Girls to their favourites.
* =Undercover-Archangel has added The Princess to their favourites.
* =Undercover-Archangel has added True Love to their favourites.
* =Undercover-Archangel has added White Red-Tail Hawk II to their favourites.
* =Undercover-Archangel has added wishes to their favourites.
* =ZjeerY has added White Red-Tail Hawk I to their favourites.

.: Reba

Somebody call the exterminator!

~txsappho — Thu, 12 May 2005 20:40:11 PDT

I think I have BUGS!

Okay.. "preview" means look before you commit... right? Not "pretend to show you what you think you will be publishing while instead publish it anyway".

Guess that is why they call it BETA...

An Update...

~txsappho — Thu, 12 May 2005 20:33:07 PDT

=txsappho has 348 message centre items (233D,31M,65C,18J, 1P )**
Yes folks I can't seem to keep up these days... Don't take my lack of response to heart... it's just me...

Well, I started to post a journal entry last night and in the middle of editing I crashed at the keyboard. I am afraid that either I am feeling the effects of my three plus decades or I just really, really need that vacation...

Its been a stressful week. These are our girls, Snoopy and Lil'Bit, they are chihuahuas.

Lil'Bit is the white chihuahua on the right. We just found out that she is diabetic. Her blood glucose was 414! She only weighs 10 lbs! We caught it early though so she should be fine once we get her stabilized on the insulin shots.

.: I am still smoke free!! (since 1/31/05 at 10:30 PM)
.: My sister is still smoke free!! (since 1/9/05 at 1-3 AM)
.: Erika recently had a bone marrow biopsy at Parkland. The rounds of chemo that she has had recently reduced the AML from 20% leukemia cells to 8%. We're hoping that she will soon be able to go to MD Anderson in Houston for clinical trials. Give her your prayers and thoughts and if you can spare it send her fund some $$$$.

CHEERS: One day at a time. Memories. Love. God. Patience.
JEERS: Tears. Pain. Fear. Anger. Bitterness. Irritability.

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Check out the new, revamped website "defining light photography" here: [link]

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defining light | gallery |
There are many stages that I will have to go through with many levels on each stage. Knowing what will eventually happen doesn't really make it any easier. Is this acceptance? Maybe. Or perhaps this is my way of rationalizing what I find so inconceivable. Either way, knowing what is doesn't help me much in preparing for what is to be.

When you are younger life is about beginnings. As you get older you notice that more and more of the people you love are passing. Life becomes more about endings. You begin to wonder what will be there for you on the other side.

So... all you kids out here on DA who embrace darkness and death, talk of suicide (without a medical reason for it), I have a few words. If you truly want to die then go to your nearest hospital, to the cancer ward, and sit with a cancer patient who is about your age and talk about life - the real stuff - how hard it is to move when your whole body hurts, how chemo feels, how badly they want to LIVE. Then offer to trade positions.

For all those out there who will pounce on me for my references to God. I don't care. Pounce away. Will I argue with you? No. Will I discuss it with you. No. My beliefs are personal and they are mine. They are between me, Jesus, and God. From what I recall those are the only judges that matter.

Where am I going with this? I'm not sure. I know that I'm hurting and that I am leaning on Faith and Family to get me though. In the meantime I have my camera and it never fails to soothe me.

Erika has relapsed. The leukemia is back. She's home now from a round of chemo at Parkland. Give her your prayers and thoughts!

The Pope died today. It was sad but I'm happy for him.

CHEERS: One day at a time. Memories. Love. God.
JEERS: Tears. Pain. Fear. Anger. Bitterness.

pause
[link]

[link]

the lookout
[link]

No new poetry...

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We're going on Vacation in June!

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Check out the new, revamped website "defining light photography" here: [link]
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defining light | gallery | prints

WTF happened to Remission? (repost)

~txsappho — Sun, 27 Mar 2005 16:36:02 PST

I wanted to come back and edit this because at 2:00 AM this morning that last line ended up sounding bitchy and whiny and that wasn't what I intended. If anyone read it before the edit and took offense, I apologize. Please read the edited version and you'll understand my true feelings.

Saturday March 12, 2005 2:00 AM

Erika came home from the hospital after her successful bone marrow transplant last January. The transplant was in December, if you remember, and the donor was her 11 and 1/2 year old sister.

Up until just recently the doctors have been saying that she has been doing exceptionally well and have gone so far as to use the word "Remission" although I felt it was too soon to use such a powerful and suggestive term before she even reached the 100 something day point where Graft vs. Host disease could kick in.

Her entire immune system has been destroyed and she has to start over, even getting all her "baby shots" again, plus avoiding certain foods, certain things (dust, mold, live cultures as in yogurt), not to mention having to take medication and antibiotics to support her fledging immune system for a least a year. You would think they wouldn't give the "Remission" or even hint at "Cured" until that year was past. Unfortunately that is not the case.

I think if I was Erika I probably would have done all the same things so I can't say that I don't understand. When you have doctors telling you that you are in remission, that you have this thing beat, you're thinking "Hey, I can get on with my life now.", especially if you are an attractive 21 year old woman who, due to this leukemia, has been isolated from friends and a boyfriend for the better part of 6-7 months. A mother who hasn't seen her child even because of the risks Erika's own child could pose to Erika's health. Yeah, I'd be anxious to get my shit back on track too.

Its easy to sit back and, with the maturity of 35+ years and the security of knowing where my future lies, speculate on what should or should not be done and how but what it actually comes down to is this: We're not talking about my life. It doesn't matter whether I understand, approve, like, or dislike anything that Erika does. The only thing that matters is that Erika is making solid decisions based on what she does like, what she understands, what she values, and what is important to her. We can't tell her what those are and we shouldn't even try.

So... to the part of me that balked at Erika going out late at night, staying out all hours, then sleeping all day... I tell myself to shut up. FOR ME to do this wouldn't be good. For her - well that isn't my decision. I will say that my opinion was only based out of concern for her health.

I was a bit surprised to find out about the 3% Leukemia blasts returning in the biopsy via Journal entry today. I would have preferred something a bit more personal being family and all but I'm sure everything is extremely overwhelming and calling isn't exactly the highest thing on the priority list for Erika or her Mom right now. That is understandable.

Reba

defining light | gallery | prints

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Striving To Exist - Erika

~txsappho — Wed, 23 Mar 2005 00:18:33 PST

Some time in May 2003 Erika changed her DA identity from ~eccentricemogrl to *strivingtoexist. I know that I cannot possibly know everything that was going on in her life just before that time but I do remember it was pretty rough. To have chosen the name Striving To Exist just seems so effing prophetic now. I've found some of her old photographs and she looks so good it hurts. I've found some of her words and I'm left speechless. I need so much more time, a lifetime more, to get to know the real Erika... the one she keeps hidden close to her soul.

I want to thank everyone who has donated blood and platelets in Erika's name as well as donated money to her contribution fund. You will never know how much this has truly helped. The fight isn't over! She still needs blood and platelet donations and if you can spare it, she needs monetary donations as well. Blood/Platelet donations provide credits against her bill for blood products. Trust me, she's had to use a lot. The fund has been paying for medical expenses that Medicade and Social Security (she doesn't have insurance) isn't paying. Please see her journal: *strivingtoexist.

Erika's leukemia is back. She's elected to do the chemo again and is currently at Parkland hospital. They will begin the first round of chemo tomorrow morning. This will be round 1 of 3.

She needs your prayers. Visit her journal for info: *strivingtoexist

CHEERS: One day at a time. Memories. Love.
JEERS: Tears. Pain. Fear. Anger.

Seventh Floor Silence For Erika
[link]

the lookout
[link]

No new poetry...

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We're going on Vacation in June!

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Check out the new, revamped website "defining light photography" here: [link]
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defining light | gallery | prints

New Journal Style

~txsappho — Fri, 18 Mar 2005 02:15:35 PST

(Okay... if you see little red x's on all these graphics I've used in my journal it is due to my hosting provider being temporarily offline. That also means my website - link below - isn't working either. I just talked to support and they should have it working soon... )

Check out the new, revamped website "defining light photography" here: [link]
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Grrrr! Don't you hate it when you have like this whole freaking thing filled out and the system burps and you lose it? Argh!

Okay.. from the beginning....

I am in the process of trying to spruce some things up in here (here being my little piece of dA) so in order to see if it will work I first will have to post this Journal. So... for the most part it you can disregard it. I'll post a real journal later...

With that said... here we go...

CHEERS: #Photography channel -- Dancing bunnies rock!
JEERS: Read only maintenance on dA.

The Message
[link]

austere
[link]

The Little Voice[link]
Hunted Prey[link]

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We're going on Vacation in June!

defining light | gallery | prints

Feeling better

~txsappho — Wed, 16 Mar 2005 13:22:56 PST

Mood: Ah... that's better!

Going back to work tomorrow... Yesterday they stuck that needle in my back and gave me sterioids at the L5/S1 level to alleviate the pinched nerve. Thank goodness they put me out. I stayed home to rest today. Other than muscle spasms on the LEFT last night and some pain things have drastically improved. I'm still taking the Vicodine and Flexeril but it is to keep things level. Hopefully not for long. The next shot is on 3/31/05 and I have one more after that.

I didn't anticipate any relief really being that I have problems on all 5 lumbar disks but the last one, L5/S1 was the worst one and the nerve root was compressed. That constant nerve irritation is like having an abcessed tooth in need of a root canal. I was in constant pain with it for over a month. Tylenol 3 didn't touch it. The Vicodine did but only for 4-5 hours and it is supposed to last 8 hours.

So... two more to go... these will most likely be at other areas of the lumbar... I'm actually looking forward to it. Maybe now I can get back to photography? Uh... I meant work.. I can go back to work.... Right...

defining light | gallery | prints

Favorites!

A perfect fit...

~txsappho — Tue, 15 Mar 2005 15:52:06 PST

One Word Photo. We give you a word, you photograph it. JOIN NOW!

The concept behind *OneWordPhoto's challenges works well with the recent trend in my work. This is going to be FUN!

AND... I get to meet some really great photographers and cool people in the process.

defining light | gallery | prints

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Hi Mom! Welcome to dA!

~txsappho — Mon, 14 Mar 2005 22:11:07 PST

Well, she doesn't know it yet, but Mom just became an official member of dA. She's been lurking for months as one of those folks who visits your page without ever actually logging on so consequently she couldn't leave a comment, fav a deviation, et al.

So... since she has a few folks she keeps up with... me, Susan, Erika, Regis, and a select few we've introduced her to... it seemed the logical step just to set her up and these folks for her. Now she can go to one place and see everybody... Like we do.

I see her tomorrow morning (this morning, ugh!) so I'll give her the run down. She's going to love it!

& to all!

reba

defining light | gallery | prints

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Making New Friends

~txsappho — Mon, 14 Mar 2005 00:54:43 PST

Ok the #Photography channel totally rocks! Thanks to 'Ghouldaddy for the Membership status. It sucked being a "guest".

Hmmm... what else... discovered *flumpie, *kilgore-trout, ~pirate20, and more on the channel. Check out my favorites and friends for these folks.

Also, *gilad... awesome work! I must really venture away from my own little page more, yes? LOL

It is VERY late for me... I should have been in bed HOURS ago... night everyone!

and to all!

defining light | gallery | prints

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Canon, Nikon, Minolta, Oh My!

~txsappho — Sat, 05 Mar 2005 14:43:40 PST

**ERIKA NEWS: Erika (*strivingtoexist) still needs donations at Texas area Carter BloodCare facilities and ANY AND ALL contributions to the Erika L. Contribution Fund would be appreciated. The fund is nearly exhausted and she will need medications until January 2006 . This fund is used ONLY to help pay medical expenses and related needs.**

You know, I agonized over the decision... Maxxum 7D (which uses the Maxxum lenses I already own), the Canon 20D, or the Nikon D70.

dpreview.com was VERY HELPFUL.

Most people that I know personally cite the following reasons for chosing the Canon 20D over the Nikon D70:

- Brand Loyalty (good reason - If you have Canon lenses it would be silly to go to another system. - Same applied to Nikon users.)

- 8 MP vs 6 MP (approx on both) -- The numbers LOOK impressive however could YOU tell the differnce between two photos shot by these cameras based on MP alone? Doubtful. Unless you are planning on blowing your images up to extreme sizes then the difference is nominal. If you need that then you more than likely are a full time pro who is using a professional camera anyway and isn't even interested in my little ramble.

- ISO 100 - Canon has it. Nikon doesn't. I could see where this would be CRUCIAL with a film SLR but not digital. To my knowledge, and correct me if I am wrong folks, the Canon does not go below ISO 100 so what is the point?

- ISO 3200 - Canon has it. Nikon doesn't. Ah, but it is only available through a special menu. Good for night photography. How many of us shoot so much in the dark that we are willing to pay EXTRA for ISO 3200?

- Chip. Canon has the CMOS and Nikon has CCD. (I'm doing this stuff from memory folks so I may have that reversed.) Anyway, the CMOS is considered by some to be better than CCD. Looking at test images from both cameras I don't see the difference really though I am sure someone will have an argument there. I defer that to them then because I am not educated enough on the subject to proceed with it any further.

So folks, I guess what I am getting down to is REALLY RESEARCH this stuff. I looked at the Maxxum 7D not because it was necessarily what I wanted but because it offered the opportunity to save money by not having to change systems. I'm glad I did my research and found that I eventually would have been unhappy that it did not fit MY needs.

I'm not saying the Nikon D70 is right for everyone or that the Canon EOS 20D is the better camera. I am just saying that I am seeing a lot of folks jumping for the Canon based on megapixels alone and this does not make a camera. edit: Paraphrased - Selecting ANY camera based on megapixels alone is a bad idea.

And for you folks out there who are not using digital SLR's... remember this... It is the photograher who sees the image before the camera can ever take the picture. The talent lies within you, not your equipment.

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Worried about Erika

~txsappho — Sat, 05 Mar 2005 13:44:28 PST

Two new images...

~txsappho — Wed, 02 Mar 2005 23:44:14 PST

**ERIKA NEWS: Erika (*strivingtoexist) is now in REMISSION! She will still have to have blood & platelets from time to time and her prescription costs are expensive. She still needs donations at Texas area Carter BloodCare and ANY AND ALL contributions to the Erika L. Contribution Fund would be appreciated. The fund is nearly exhausted and she will need medications until January 2006 . This fund is used ONLY to help pay medical expenses and related needs.**

Just a couple new ones for you...

Nature's Gold

Falling Stars

I hope you like them!

Good night!

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30 days SMOKE FREE

~txsappho — Wed, 02 Mar 2005 23:38:47 PST

**ERIKA NEWS: Erika (*strivingtoexist) is now in REMISSION! She will still have to have blood & platelets from time to time and her prescription costs are expensive. She still needs donations at Texas area Carter BloodCare and ANY AND ALL contributions to the Erika L. Contribution Fund would be appreciated. The fund is nearly exhausted and she will need medications until January 2006 . This fund is used ONLY to help pay medical expenses and related needs.**

From my Gadget on Quitnet.com [link] here are my OFFICIAL stats!

30 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes and 38 seconds smoke free.

301 cigarettes not smoked.
$58.12 and 2 days, 7 hours of your life saved.

Your quit date: 1/31/2005 10:30:00 PM

Can I get an AMEN!

P.S. If you smoke and you are thinking about quitting the the Q (Quitnet) really helps. Check them out!

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deviantART: by:txsappho

Its been a long road...