http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:unknownskank&section=today deviantART RSS for by:unknownskank en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:55:44 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/23075777/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/23075777/ Sun, 08 Feb 2009 06:34:48 PST
Just to let you know i'm not dead.

I also have a new account on dA.
You can find me there from now on.

[link]

I'm going to keep this account to remember my writings, and i'm also replying to EVERYBODY who's left messages (3,344!!!) to let you know I am still here. What you do with that, is up to you.

Ive also read some comments on my deviations, and I in no way endorse people committing suicide, or want people saying they love me because of what I've written.

It was 5 years ago and i've done a lot of growing up

]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2633822/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2633822/ Fri, 11 Jun 2004 04:20:20 PDT ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2630356/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2630356/ Thu, 10 Jun 2004 20:43:33 PDT
I apologize for the lack of entries. It has been awhile. I seem have the inability to balance the important things in my life, at the moment. All I can say is that I can't wait until this year is over. It will mean one of the most difficult chapters of my life can then be closed... ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2609106/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2609106/ Mon, 07 Jun 2004 22:52:54 PDT ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2570900/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2570900/ Wed, 02 Jun 2004 23:57:00 PDT ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2563393/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2563393/ Wed, 02 Jun 2004 02:34:25 PDT ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2517866/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2517866/ Wed, 26 May 2004 23:48:34 PDT ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2510543/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2510543/ Wed, 26 May 2004 02:40:37 PDT
The crashing of my world before my eyes. The unspoken tears. The hurt. The pain. The betrayl. It came to this. It had to. I knew it would. And yet I did nothing to stop it. Because I didn't want to.

The blaring music through my headphones as I sink into the pool of my own messy blood. And the only thing I can think about is the hurt. The numbing hurt, and all the lies.

Please, don't lie to me anymore. Please, don't. If you have to say something, let it be the honest, brutal truth.

Don't hide from me. I know you're there. I know what you're thinking.

I'm forgetting how to take care of myself again. Not eatting and all. Trying to stop that, but it's so hard. Too hard. Because after tonight, I need control. I need peace. I need solace. I need something to fill the ever-so quickly growing void inside. Something to make it all go away.

But I don't even have *that* to cling to anymore. God, I feel so empty inside. So lost. So alone.

Float away and be nothing. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2485209/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2485209/ Sat, 22 May 2004 16:56:27 PDT ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2459934/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2459934/ Wed, 19 May 2004 00:38:22 PDT
I can't even control my emotions anymore. Fuck, I'll break down crying and screaming for no reason at all. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I don't care anymore. Nothing can be worse than this. And I don't care. I'm in a bit of a dangerous mood. Want to take a knife to myself and slice my arm up just to see if I'll bleed. Want to burn. Get a lighter and just burn away at my ugly, fat body. Because I don't give a damn. I want to burn. Light myself on fire out in the garage with all the gasoline stored up in there. I need something to take away this pain inside. Christ, I'm sorry. It's not like I'm going to *do* anything, and besides, I already had my splurge for the night. Rubbed my skin raw. As usual. But I want to purge. Christ, do I want to purge. Get all of the gross, disgusting food out of me. Sick. That's all I am. Is sick. And twisted. And a little fuck up. Fuck being perfect.

Rape my soul.
I'm already dead inside. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2431917/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2431917/ Sat, 15 May 2004 02:19:33 PDT
i don't know what to do. also broke down last night crying. for no reason at all really. well no, there's always that unspeakable reason. that always remains unspoken. somehow this is my fault. i've brought this shame and guilt upon myself. somehow i got what i deserve. god damn it. i hate this. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2425565/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2425565/ Fri, 14 May 2004 04:43:06 PDT ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2417643/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2417643/ Wed, 12 May 2004 23:16:05 PDT down.
numb.
quiet.
nothing.

fuck, maybe that's what i am. absolutly fucking nothing. because no one can put me back together.

except maybe myself.

but i've forgotten how to even do that. i don't even know how to do *that* anymore. i don't know anything.
except;

fear.
hate.
betrayl.
loss.
so much loss, of so many things.

i want to forget who i am and leave this fucked up world. *sighs* if only it where that simple..

and the melody plays on..
thirteen little broken hearts,
splattered on the floor,
ripped out of your chest,
innocence betrayed. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2403323/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2403323/ Mon, 10 May 2004 22:47:35 PDT ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2396654/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2396654/ Mon, 10 May 2004 04:04:29 PDT
you really shouldn't say that you're going to do things if you really don't plan to do them. i think i can say that i'm finally over you. no longer is talking to you my number one priority. i don't see why i cared in the first place. and as each day passes, the friendship between us grows colder and colder. i think that after i have finished making the hearts and after we've finished all our business, i'll walk out of your life and be someone you only ever talk to once in a while. people constantly walk in and out of your life. some stay for a short period and some for quite a while. out time together has been short but i have learnt from it. it has reminded me that i don't want to be with just anyone but that i want to be with someone i know well and someone i could see myself staying with for a while. it's changed my views on a few things and i believe that it has allowed me to grow a bit. well, i guess we'll just drift further and further apart as the days go by, but really, it's up to you what happens between us. you can tell me what you want to tell me and you can decide whether to talk to me or not. take care. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2389935/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2389935/ Sun, 09 May 2004 04:11:11 PDT
What compels a person to attach explosives to their body and then detonate them?

Why is pride so much more stronger than the will to make peace?

Why does a person hate?

i miss you dj.. i'm sorry i never got to say goodbye properly. we could of helped you. but you pushed us all away. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2384002/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2384002/ Sat, 08 May 2004 21:26:26 PDT visit ~RedKnight & comment please~

i've barely spoken to you for a week. i feel my feelings completely drain out of me and detirioate. no longer am i bound to you in any way. i still care for you with the slightest interest... but at the end of two months... i no longer feel that strong attraction i did so long ago. but i feel as though i'm losing you.. you don't seem to be that much of a part of my life any longer... and i don't want want that to happen. i still want you there.. because you have that ability to make me laugh at your stupidity. it's been a pleasure to know you... and you've brought some wonderful moments into my life. i want to thank you for that. i'll always care for you and i'll always be willing to do that little extra task for your benefit. but i can say that the attraction is no longer there, and i am deeply satisfied and grateful for the friendship that we have.

/edit ;

*sammigurl61190 sent me a note last night saying that many deviantART avatar's have been ripped and placed on a site. me & other deviantART member's have already written to the webmaster. here are the link's to the avatar's:

[page one]
[page two]
here is the form to contact the webmaster: [link]

here is the complete list of the people who the avatars were taken:

http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2375889/ Fri, 07 May 2004 05:13:52 PDT
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh why...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I don't know what else to say. Those lyrics are exactly what I feel right now. That and the fact that I'm angry and upset at myself and at the world around me and I'm sick of being here and being useless and stupid and worthless and a dirty slut and a whore.

I'm sick of the memories and the feeling of his mouth and hands all over me again, and me, just laying there, doing nothing. Fuck, how could I have been so *stupid* as to not do anything? Christ, I'm pathetic. I deserved it. I deserved all of it. I deserve to live with the pain and the guilt and shame and nightmares and panic attacks and fear. I deserve it all. Because I was weak and stupid. Because I was just that damn stupid. WHORE. God, that's pounding through my mind. That's the only thought pounding through my fucked up head. And I hate this.

I hate it all. I want to cut it all out. Bleed it all out. Bleed red blood everywhere. The I'll be pure and safe. And free. Free at last. Finally free. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2368860/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2368860/ Thu, 06 May 2004 00:51:30 PDT ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2363028/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2363028/ Wed, 05 May 2004 03:36:45 PDT
blah blah why don't ____ just say yes?

blah blah blah why isn't ________ talking to me?

blah blah blah why do they have to ________ on me, when they know i'm not _______ .

blah blah blah 'tis gay. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2333146/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2333146/ Sat, 01 May 2004 02:13:35 PDT
never mind. i'm done. i dont feel the need to write much more in this useless entry for this useless journal and so on.



» 10 reasons why its bad to love someone who loves someone else..
> when your thinking about him.. his thinking about her
> when you smile about him.. his smiling about her
> when he calls you.. his waiting for her to call
> when you dream about him.. he dreams about her
> when you tell all your friends about him.. he tells his friends about her
> when you cry because you cant have him.. he cries because he cant have her
> when you thank god you found him.. his thanking god he found her
> when your wishing and hoping he will love you.. his wishing and hoping she will love him
> when you talk to him about your lovelife, and talk subtly about him, he is talking not so subtly about her
> when he finally gets her and tells you about it, sounding so happy.. you want to cry.. but you cant.. because you have to be happy for him. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2313982/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2313982/ Wed, 28 Apr 2004 00:51:59 PDT
I’m losing everything and everyone, because I’m too stupid and selfish to make any effort.

It’s just so hard at the moment. It’s like I’m banging my head against a brick wall, and trying to wade through treacle, and I’m just getting nowhere.

I’m trying to resist temptation, but it’s so hard. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2299778/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2299778/ Mon, 26 Apr 2004 01:52:42 PDT Because everyone is always watching and judging and because I'm supposed to be the one who always jokes around the girl who get's straight A's and the one who gives out advice to other people when they have moments like these.
I'm sick of being strong and I'm tired of pretending not to care about everything and anything for its about as far from the truth as can be. I feel completely alone right now and it scares me. Its like I don't know who to be or what the world is asking of me and if I take a look around at everyone else I cant help feeling like a total intruder
because I have no bestfriend here, who would call me up after a day like this and somehow find a way to make me crack up even if I never even wanted to laugh in the first place. I feel like any friend I've made here probably doesnt really like me much anyway or something like that because I'm just "that girl" or apparently, as I was notified about today I'm the subject of conversations like "I fucking hate her. She's a fucking freak" I dont know what I'm doing wrong because all I wanted to do from the very beginning was be my motherfucking self but apparently everyone thinks I'm just a stupid poser even those people that don't know me. Oh, I dont know. I fucking hate the scene. I hate the stereotypes. All I want to do is be myself and listen to the music that is more beautiful than anything. & I hate how hard thats turning out to be. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2286404/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2286404/ Sat, 24 Apr 2004 02:05:56 PDT
I hurt all the time, worrying like hell about what happens to people. I think about going back to school and I'd definately welcome death before then. I'm afraid of school. It's not because I can't be bothered getting up early, not because I don't like the people there, not because of the teachers, none of that. It's just I can't handle all the pressure. I have so much art stuff to do before I go back, yet I have no idea what I'm doing. I want to stay home forever, I don't CARE about my education. I want to drop out of school. It seems pointless to me, learning all this. I've been getting education for all these years and if I'm going to kill myself then what's the point? Why did I waste all that time?

So I don't want to go to school, and I don't want to have fun with friends, what would I do stay in by myself? That would be what I wanted. To be alone. I want to be FORGOTTEN. Forget about me while you're out, I'll slowly become forgotten and then I'll die and you'll remember. And I can't feel bad about it because I'd be dead. Every single thing I do I do in fear, if I think something I'm scared to say it because in the group of friends it'll hurt one of them.

But I can't help what I think...
I know how easy it'd be for me to kill myself. I have a plan in my head. Even though I want to live, I do want to kill myself... I just don't know when. I used to think "I wish I could kill myself now but I want to live to see this happening..." there'd always be something holding me back. I wanted to see what certain things felt like or I just want to do things, sometimes it's even things like just a day that's been arranged with friends, but now I've run out of those things keeping me back. If I planned on killing myself tomorrow night, I'd have no regrets. Right now I don't care. I care about people, but I don't care about my life. I've spent too long caring about what happens to everyone else. All I ever care about is my friends and I want to make all them happy at once but it never works and I'm giving up!

I guess it explains why I want to die - it's not that I really want to DIE it's just... I don't want to live. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2264961/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2264961/ Wed, 21 Apr 2004 01:08:25 PDT
maybe what happened to me isn't that bad. or hell, maybe I'm just making it all up in my head. maybe i'm just imagining things. maybe it never really happened...maybe i'm just that fucked up... god, i don't know anymore. i don't have my head on straight and i wake up in a daze and mad panic not knowing where i am. i got a total of 4 hours of sleep last night i think. i wish that i could turn a part of you off and get a half decent's night sleep for once. as usual, i woke up in a mad panic. no memories of nightmares, but....-shrugs- nothing out of the ordinary i suppose. i also wish i could stop making me dislike myself and hate myself. i wish i could make myself realize that i'm perfectly fine the way i am and that i wouldn't feel the need to hurt myself so badly. i hate how much i hate myself. i wish that i could pretend this never happened. or make it go away. because i'm really getting sick of feeling so....numb.

i don't know what to say.

maybe this guy is right.maybe i should just get over this. a lot of other people fucking have it worse, right? -shrugs- i don't know what to do anymore. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2260634/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2260634/ Tue, 20 Apr 2004 02:36:05 PDT
do you feel empty? 'cause I do... ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2245602/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2245602/ Sun, 18 Apr 2004 00:16:19 PDT
Take the mirror down from the wall,
Look into it slowly,
Horrified at what i see,
I scream, it shatters.
Glass on the floor,
I step on top of it,
I dont even feel pain,
I walk, blood runs.
Dark red foot prints,
Shadows begin to crawl,
I slid down slowly,
I breath, room spins. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2231312/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2231312/ Thu, 15 Apr 2004 20:07:27 PDT ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2223841/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2223841/ Thu, 15 Apr 2004 01:09:31 PDT either way ive had my innocence stripped from me.

//edit;;
i never realized how much effort talking took until today. i dont know how to describe what im feeling. general anxiety i suppose. paranoia. and a pounding headache and wanting to throw up everything in my stomach. the fact that i had a rough therapy session doesnt help matters.

//edit;;
i deleted bout 100 deviations >;D ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2194824/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2194824/ Sat, 10 Apr 2004 20:00:35 PDT
so its really nice outside, yet i am sitting inside on the computer. i think im going to take a walk, maybe go to the park or something, just get out of the house & have fun on this pretty day. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2165888/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2165888/ Tue, 06 Apr 2004 16:03:48 PDT & even though nobody's looking she's falling apart.. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2162329/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2162329/ Tue, 06 Apr 2004 04:20:32 PDT
Before I quit this corny mood and shit myself for being such a corny drag here goes *breathes*

Thank you all for being my friends. I know i'm not the very "appreciative type" I'm more of the i dont give a jack time unless it includes me. You all truely are my freinds and after so long you're still around even though we still don't hang around each other. You're still. My friends. Thank you so much I don't know how many times a person can say thank you but thanks again! >____< I read linda's last note and it made me cry, because i never knew.. i was appreciated too... i of all people should know how easy it is to lose someone .. so fast... so thank you all again. You think your efforts all go unknown towards me but i do notice. and i do care and i do know. But it always saddens me to think that i dont have friends at times... i hate misjudging you all and for that i'm truely sorry. your spirits are always with me and when your presence is not near.. i may not shout out to the world that you're not there.. but i do notice. i never seem to act appreciative towards you's. always saracastic and harsh and funny and all. but never serious. but then again when im serious i can be a harsh cold bitch. > _______________< ~~~ im so very happy that you're all here.. with me.... my close friends.... listening to me when i need you... talking to me .. smiling for me.... and making me laugh all the time... thank you all SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH!

much love, xOx ashleaAa ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2154496/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2154496/ Mon, 05 Apr 2004 00:10:47 PDT ready? you better be, or else.

headache + tired + is cold + coughing + scratchy throat = AHHHHH!!!!
;_that is what i feel right about now. ICK.

im coming to sleep in your bed.. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2146307/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2146307/ Sat, 03 Apr 2004 19:13:11 PST
if i'm so beautiful &amazing..
why aren't i happier?
why can't he see it?
why don't i feel it?
why do i get so envious of true beauty & amazingness?
why can't i feel good about myself?

just once, i'd like to know what it feels like to have confidence.
just once, i'd like to have the guy, who all the girls drool over.
just once, i'd like to find my talent & do something with it.
just once, i'd like to say everything thats on my mind.
just once, i'd like to be able to understand myself.

well i had the first of many counseling meetings today. it wasnt so bad, it was a lot easier than i expected. i guess it's a good thing that i can talk about it, to complete strangers. but there are still some things that dont even have words to describe them. i guess if i just keep talking it'll all eventually make sense. people actually get paid to listen to me talk? wow what a job. oh &get this. the first thing out of her mouth.. "you look, really..sad." wow, are you sure you're not psycic.


i wont cross these streets until you hold my hand ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2139592/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2139592/ Fri, 02 Apr 2004 19:22:33 PST ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2134586/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2134586/ Fri, 02 Apr 2004 02:21:32 PST They say she could've died in three days after taking all those tablets, but she gets put on a drip of some sort to neutralise the medication in her system. Anyway, the wild card comes out when the doctors do all the tests on her- family finds out she's pregnant. She admits that had she known she was pregnant, she would've never done what she did.
But its crazy, sounds like a soap drama doesn't it?
Gee, if a guy broke up with me, I'd dismiss it after a few weeks and move along. I'd like to think that i have more dignity and self respect than to dwell on a loser that thinks he's too good for me. But it just depends on the victim I guess? ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2112877/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2112877/ Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:20:46 PST ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2106180/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2106180/ Mon, 29 Mar 2004 02:51:21 PST
'cause i'm just a kid.

i am immature. i should get over myself.

just because i don't get what i want i turn the other way, and when it is convenient for me, i come running back.

that pisses you off hard.

okay. i'll just go to my corner now. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2043700/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2043700/ Fri, 19 Mar 2004 14:20:33 PST
- had heaps of fun with my shopping buddy CARLA! we went shopping for like 5 hours straight on friday... lol. SO much fun ^^ we find the best bargains!

- mum and dad cut at me, i did not tell them i was staying out later yesterday. my mum called me a stupid, dumb, good for nothing, idiotic, inconsiderate slut. etc etc.

- i have a feeling my mum is going to complain to my cousin, crying, about her horrible kids and how all her children have gone wrong except one, my sister.

- my cousin will call me, and yet again give me a lecture me about how i don't consider other people before myself, say i'm selfish and etc. the phonecall will end up with one person very angry and the other in tears. i wonder which one i will be?

serenity now....

Ashlea. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2027263/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2027263/ Tue, 16 Mar 2004 22:44:11 PST
stupid whore. i cant believe what i make myself live through.
not that it matters.

im pathetic. a stupid little fuck up. cant trust anyone. a clingly little bitch.
watch everyone leave me now. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2021307/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2021307/ Tue, 16 Mar 2004 01:18:25 PST
edit ;

i think it's possible to 'fall out of love' or maybe even perhaps just lose feelings for someone you've loved for so long... but whenever you look back to it you can always say that you loved that person and a part of them will always be with you, as the time you spent with them shaped who you are... like tiny droplets of water creating ripples and bouncing off one another. but then you could look at it as, no you can never fall out of love if you truly love them, but you can move on from those feelings, whoever said that you can't love more than one person ? we have so much time in our lifetime that i think we're meant to love many different people... experience love in all its variations.

so i bet you're thinking; 'okay now get to the point' sooo... *thinks*...

if you ever truly love someone, you will always love that person, but it doesn't mean you have to be with that person... if that makes sense.

s2 Ashlea.. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2014394/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/2014394/ Sun, 14 Mar 2004 23:05:51 PST
*/ the ugly duckling survives!.... ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1999807/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1999807/ Fri, 12 Mar 2004 15:22:51 PST
*
I've been pushed down so many times
I feel this time will be the last
as I lay here fading
my thoughts are invaded by memories of my past
I feel the pressures of shame and rejection building
as I lay here on the floor
I have no strength to get up
I'm not worth it any more
*

i am not the same
her voice speaks
distant soundless echoes
absorbed into the darkened
so much pain
she's addicted
wanting to feel that hollow emptiness once again ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1996021/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1996021/ Thu, 11 Mar 2004 21:15:49 PST
it's funny how i feel like a stuffed toy.. lols ! one of those cute little small ones.. that all kids love for lets say.. a few months.. then after they've played with it and something new's come.. they leave it alone.. funny isn't it? =] ashlea the pet giraffe!

me & nathan had a fight today.. i hope he doesnt hate me still *sighs* i just wanna work things out and i hate taking sides!

*| s2 ashleahs .. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1983897/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1983897/ Tue, 09 Mar 2004 21:26:02 PST i've never come to school looking this shitty, and no-one even notices a difference. coach was searching for me so he can yell at me for turning nothing in. haven't eaten in too damn long, shaking like i have parkinsons. i can barely breathe without crying like a five year old girl.

This Is Your Life.. Are You Who You Want To Be??

if you could go [anywhere] right now
where would you go?
and would you miss me when you get there?
please dont let me go .f.a.l.l.i.n.g. from the sky
if you only could be right here by my side
home wouldnt seem so f a r from here...

+its funny how listening to an old cd brings back so many memories.. *sighs* is there a way to make things better again??
*if i had only one wish.... i'd wish for...
*| s2 ashleahs ..

edit;;
Today is filled with anger, fueled with hidden hate
Scared of being outkast, afraid of common fate
Today is built on tragedies which no one want's to face
Nightmares to humanity and morally disgraced
Tonight is filled with Rage, violence in the air
Children bred with ruthlessness cause no one at home cares
Tonight I lay my head down but the pressure never stops,
knowing that my sanity content when I'm dropped
But tomorrow I see change, a chance to build a new,
build on spirit intent of heart and ideas based on truth.
Tomorrow I wake with second wind and strong because of pride
I know I fought with all my heart to keep the dream alive
-Tupac Shakur ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1977665/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1977665/ Mon, 08 Mar 2004 21:38:10 PST
.g'bye. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1964006/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1964006/ Sat, 06 Mar 2004 18:12:40 PST the [thorns] hide easily in its beauty
as i go to grasp it in my hand
my [heart] is torn .b.e.a.t.i.n.g. from my chest

when i wake from this dream will you still be here?
will your smile open my heart and leave me transparent?

[[take what is yours]]
[[you.deserve.::more::.than.my.LIFE]]

+so i talked to mike last night for maybe an hour(?) and ive realized how much i honestly have fucked up my life. yesterday and last night i just layed in the dark, not sleeping, just laying there staring at nothing. i dont want to sleep. all i have are nightmares. i find dont want to be around people, i just want to sit alone in a corner of my room in the pitch black, allowing the darkness to surround me. how did i let myself get to this point? things used to be so good.
...

--->> sometimes i felt so souless i couldnt even look at [me]

when you wake up, you will find .b.l.o.o.d. stains on my pillow
tear stains on my face, and an [empty] soul to take my place
gone [[forever]] i will be, nothing remaining but a bloody knife
you may wonder what could have gone so wrong in my life
and my only answer would be [[e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g]]

.....i.wish.i.could.just.die.... ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1960215/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1960215/ Sat, 06 Mar 2004 01:10:53 PST
even if i was id still stay up most of the night replaying the memories that never go away.

g'night

/ edit;;
Don't tell me to see the bright side of things.. I enjoy my solitary darkness.. Alone.. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1951273/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1951273/ Thu, 04 Mar 2004 14:08:23 PST
i want to die. i want to slice the memories out of my head.

i cant stand to live like this anymore. i cant stand the pain inside. i dont even know how to describe it.

i want to bleed all over the floor.
i want to get all the pain it.
but its pointless.

when i lay in eternal bliss ill finally be alive.

+ i feel all sick again. anxiety attack, maybe. my stomach is eating itself. great. thank god the weekend is coming up. im going to sleep, get fat, and feel stoopid.
+ i feel.. settled. i thought i'd feel bad.. but i dont. kno why? cuz i dont freakkin care!! bye bye losersssssss~ (i love my daddy).
+ just cuz we talk doesnt mean we're cool.
maybe for lent.. i should've just given up "people." that wouldnt have been difficult at all.

"All I ever wanted was you for me..
Cuz that nigga who Im with dont give a fuck about me"
puhaha.. this song.. lols. maybe its talkin to u babes... "soup" doesnt give.. maybe its a sign to let go? why didnt i see that earlierrrr! ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1946000/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1946000/ Wed, 03 Mar 2004 21:16:42 PST
i want to save her...

judge not. see something deeper. look beyond the surface. just because someone, something seems to be like another doesn't mean it is. i looked into her eyes. i felt the sad sensation take over me. my chest felt suffocated, i felt weak, no longer strong, i felt nothing like the smile she playing over again throughout the day. no wonder why she smiles so much. no wonder why things seemed so perfect. buh why did her eyes glisten like so? why did the edges of her eyes seem to make her look so old? much more mature? the creases that showed that these eyes have not had an easy ride... the false pretentious copies she'd play each day.

she needs us. she needs to feel loved.

all too much. the pressure of being young, the workload of school, the ins and outs of going to 'get help'. the constant false hopes of getting better.

she needs to be understood.

she hurts herself to compensate for the mistakes she feels she has made to herself, ones who loved her, everybody. she sacrifices so much, then repents. it's a cycle. sacrifice, repent, sacrifice, repent. morbid is the life within itself. unnoticed. she is dying. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1939430/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1939430/ Wed, 03 Mar 2004 21:17:31 PST
my personality, how i react to things, what i've grown up to be the person i am... is too much embedded in me and i can't help buh do what i do. feel what i feel... call me weak buh noooooo........ i am really strong...

a defence mask maybe? nah. maybe that's just an excuse. seems that i keep saying it though... nooooooooo... i wanna be...

i can't pretend something i'm not, please don't provoke me to do so...
i can't be a certain standard, certain person you want me to be, please don't force me to change... just because i'm not cool means you can make me cool!
i can't always give you answers when you ask me questions, when i say i don't know, i really don't know. don't take it any deeper, please don't get angry when i can't give you any reasons why.



dot dot dot

i feel hopeless! i feel like crap. no the scum that feeds on the fungus that eats the crap!... even lower. like that tinea crap that grows under your toenails or in warts *shudders* that's just how bad it feels...

you're supposed to turn to your close friends... buh after that incident... i don't want to anymore. i don't want to burden people with my nonsense problems i keep creating in my mind... i told one of my friends the other day about something really personal.. and i thought that person would understand buh instead they threw it back in my face and started telling me off. blah blah blah. made me feel worst than i had started off with... other friends said that i seemed 'problem-ed' or someshit and i said i was fine and shit... buh they said they could see through me. yadayada and i said blah blah i told somebody stuff and i don't wanna tell anybody else 'cause i'd probably piss them off and they kept persisting for me to tell them 'cause they were a good friend and stuff buh i don't knowwwwwwwwwww............... i don't want to burden anybody else.... it's not you! the person that is.

i don't knowwwwwwwwwwwww................... life is good. it is and i know that! just sooooooooooooo annoying sometimes. don't know which way to turn, how to approach things, the right words to say, the proper way of life.... i know things aren't meant to be perfect buh it seems like i keep doing the wrong things. honestly, i do!

---

sus\e. tired&sleepii.. says:
well dont feel like crap

sus\e. tired&sleepii.. says:
becauseeeee

sus\e. tired&sleepii.. says:
if you feel crap

sus\e. tired&sleepii.. says:
how can you feel good?

· ashleehs » whatever. says:
*shrugs*

sus\e. tired&sleepii.. says:
theres no space left

· ashleehs » whatever. says:
maybe i don't want to feel good when i am feeling crap

· ashleehs » whatever. says:
lol

sus\e. tired&sleepii.. says:
cos its taken by feeling crap


hrmm! a very good theory by a very k0ol person! OMG i just choked on my own saliva.. ugh i'm sick! my nose is runny. my eyes are itchy and watery. i am extremely itchy. i feel paranoid.

the whole world's staring. satisfy them. i feel ughky. yadayadayada all i do is complain... xangarr my sh0ulder to lean on... drowning in this dreary world... even these happy boppy 'ooh life is so great, love makes the world go round' songs are pissing me off atm... blehks. i love people who understand me, too bad there are only a few... and even they have trouble with handling me. i'm one of those crazy mental patients that need to be put into them stray jackets and cushiony rooms. GRARR i'll bite all of you. i'll bite till you bleed. i'll bite till i can taste that bitter metally yummy taste of blood. h0h0h0.. *licks lips*

A NEW DAY. another chance of 24 hours to make you change your views on life..


with love...
Ashlea xox

edit;; [ hehe ashlea is cool ] ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1913181/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1913181/ Thu, 26 Feb 2004 23:38:07 PST
haha! that nick is so damn grouse.

okay. today was a really good day. 'cept i feel so shit atm. don't know why. i think it takes me 12-24 hours to register in my head just what is making me think/worry/blah a lot.nheh. i guess i will have to wait for tomorrow...

i want my hair to be straight foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr! damn dead straight hair people >,<. so sucky. so so sucky. bleh. nheh. pssh.

i feel like chopping off someone's long beautiful hair. h0h0h0!

SO SPITEFUL!

today was weird... i was talking to a friend of mine in class and we were discussing religion... buh she didn't want to talke about it because she said it always wrecks her day... and i told her to overcome her fears buh she didn't wanna hear of it.. i kept persisting buh then she really didn't want to and it was just awkwardy silent for a bit.... hrmm... ! religion is a touchy subject it gets everyone all mad an angry lol. damn j00 verld.

h0h0h0......... aiyh...........

a very nonchalant, numb ashlea ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1906857/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1906857/ Wed, 25 Feb 2004 20:59:18 PST
though, after such an 'eventful' night, i began to ponder and search for a song that would best compliment my mood, thoughts and feelings, and ofcourse, the 'moment'or event shall we call it. I came through with quite a few.. though none of them were a 'perfect' fit. i gave up eventually, songless and unsatisfied. i'll just say that you cannot search for that perfect 'match'. the perfect match will find a way to you, i suppose ?

Even so, it really does not matter whether there is a song to suit what i'm feeling or not. quite frankly, i don't care. I'm just glad that this entire 'mishap' shall we call it, has come to a conclusion. a conclusion that is for the benefit of the both of us. i hope..

i guess it has always been there from the start.. from the very beggining we could both see what would ruin us both. and no doubt, through all this time, we had confronted it when it began to emerge, alleviated it when the problem was at its worse, and time after time, we'd come through. together. Though, this time, it was different. I could feel it stirring inside of me, i could sense the inevitable.. and it cut through me, like a sharp cold blade, piercing through my comfort zone.

It was there from the start. We both saw it, we both knew it. Though, he was better at seeing it as a fact than myself.. I hid from it, running away from it at times.. I told myself that it can, and will work. He told me, he warned me. But still, we both continued to remain in the cyclic, the same beat, flowing with the same rhythm.

We were holding onto something almost invisable.

There were choices, and we chose to stay. Though, those choices were more of an option for me than him.. and in the end, it was my call every time..

Promises are made to be broken i suppose.. but it gets difficult when it is the same promise being broken, then promised, then broken over and over again.. A person can only withstand for so long before becoming frustrated by it all. And i have over peaked 'frustration' . I'm so tired i can barely see clearly,to observe. let alone think it over, as he suggested me doing. I'm just.. simply not bothered anymore.. that's probably no where near a good enough excuse.. But honestly, i can't keep doing this.. it has to either move on from it, or just end. simple as that.

I'm being selfish. i know. but it's reached the point where i couldn't care less. and if this is the simplest way, then so be it.

Every beggining has an end..
but wouldn't it be so much more pleasant if both beggining and ends were just as blissful ? I suppose it could be.. depending on how you deal with things

There were so many things running through me at once. I cannot even begin to describe, the feelings, the confusion, the hurt, the pain, the memories, the joy and smiles, thoughts, visions, past and present.. words that were said, moments that were shared.. everything. There really wasn't much at all when you come down to it.. but it was ours.

Though, the pro's of doing so overweighed the con's in the end. I expected to feel pain. plently of it. hurt, upset or dissapointment of some sort. But the first feeling that rushed through me as soon as it was all over, was relief. complete, and utter relief. It was as if a huge stone had been lifted off my heart, all the stress and troubles that have been mingled up inside me melted away in that instant.. for that first few minutes... then it hit. the realisation of it all.. perhaps this is the best way. To end our relationship. Though now, for some strange unexplainable reason, i wish i had taken in that suggestion. I guess you can only run for so long, before you become weak, and tired.. and at the moment you stop to catch your breath, whatever it is your're running from catches up with you. and you're forced to deal with it.. I don't regret anything.. i just hope the 'conclusion' we came to was the right one.. ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1901909/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1901909/ Wed, 25 Feb 2004 01:18:45 PST - i love how you say things i need to hear.. in my face *thanx.. hugs*
- i also love how you admitted that secret.. lols. how could you hate? i knew you'd regret it
- anne also says i have a hardened heart. no need to argue there either. lately, seems very much more true than not.
in time it will be broken... in time..i will be broken..
---------------------------------------- --------------------
"u knoe, when i dont talk to u for like..  more than a day, its realli noticeable."
lol.. too much happens in a year.. i need to empty out my hard drive.
---------------------------------------- ------------------------------
i wrote this loooooooooong thing that everyone could enjoy.. so you could all experience ashlea's first and only time pmsing.. one of those "im cranky-im sick-my head hurts-im tired but i cant freakkin sleep-i hate myself-i feel like shit-i'm going to complain-if you dont wanna hear, fuck off" kinda entries.. buuuuuuuuuut i just deleted it. (although i just love to write about how i get thrown around all the time). i found a better way to convey myself:
i died today. dont look for me. i know i wont be.
dont ask me if im doing good. the answer is yes.  who am i kidding.. -__-
thank you and good bye.

im not your garbage..
just go away.. and leave me alone..

/edit..

right now its one of those "used and abused" times. i feel used and i feel abused by some nameless people. you will know if it isn't you, if it isn't quite clear then you've probably hit the jackpot. and it bring tears to my eyes (mostly because im hysterically tired and only completed two maths questions) because i try everything to make friendships work with these certain people but some small, stupid thing always gets in the way where it gets to the point of "not bothered anymore". where i dont get anything in return and all i do is give.

i am not really biased in these three or four certain situations because its just the fact. because once you're passed the point you resign. i can see there is no point in continuing to try, who knows, not trying is the only thing i've not expended my creative energies on. but i just honestly can't help thinking its something i've lost and they have thrown away. i just can't be bothered with them anymore and i used to think it was this certain person who caused the problem. i would like to think that.

but it wasn't, because it was me who got inspired and changed over the summer period. it was me that has changed their attitude. it was me who had to do every fucking little thing...and now i've got the ultimatum to slip back into my old self or to continue on with this somewhat more positive outlook. im not going to risk what momentum i've got here, because i feel that i've sacrificed enough. i feel that i've given it my best shot. but the amivilant feeling of annoyance and sorrow pulls over me.

this one person needs someone who is going to be there for them. but i just can't be that person anymore... ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1897220/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1897220/ Tue, 24 Feb 2004 01:15:47 PST [link]

nancie babe sent this to meh ..

funniest shit ever ^^ i was laughing til i started coughing ....
then mum came in the room .........

mum: why the fuck you laughing like a cyco?
ashlea: hahaha mum cOs of this site
mum: what site?
ashlea: dO this test mum!!!
mum: okaies wait....... lemme get meh reading glasses
*after a lot of laughter... mum finishes the test*
ashlea: haha you got 6 correct
mum: see im good ((too proud))
ashlea: but its out of 18 ........ you didnt even pass
mum: oh... LOL...

/edit ..
swimming carnival = legs gone, fully bored, singing guy sebastian.. x_@

FiSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*thinks hyunjin* ^____________^:::
anyway's... oh yeah!!
ninO is mine... so no stealing you pplZ =] ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1869813/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1869813/ Thu, 19 Feb 2004 00:00:33 PST
"Don't act clueless or pretend in this game. No mercy is the plot, and MY direction is the way, Toughen up before we start because you'll need it even before we begin."

"Don't tread in deep water unless you know you can keep afloat."

"Don't be a snob because you'll be out even before you've said a word, weaklings don't survive and if you think you've got it all worked out think again. I'm unpredictable and with one look I can change it all."



So? You wanna play?



*laughs evilly* You've just lost it... GAME OVER FOR YOU! ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1847359/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1847359/ Sat, 14 Feb 2004 23:27:16 PST
There's nothing bugging me at the moment.... *sighs* i can't stop sighing.... i feel like a leaf floating endlessly and for the first time in a very long time nothing seems to be bothering me and my life feels like paradise.... no homework whatsoever.... the tired feeling of wanting to go to sleep during class feels pretty good ^________________^ and coming home to my bed and falling asleep underneath the soft radiant afternoon sunshine feels even better... all my teachers know my name......... and i mean all... lol don't ask why. it's this thing i have of standing out somehow and being noticed by the teacher..... everything feels pretty good..... my friends are happy so far there's never been a day where i haven't laughed so hard..... because of the joy my friends give me... their dirty jokes and dopey slowness cracks me up..... *sighs* minhtam said i was cold to her.. and that i spread rumours about her or whatever.... honestly? you know me by know right? *chuckles* i don't give a jack. she's my past and if she offers friendship now then i'll take it otherwise why should i care? *chuckles again* nothing gets to me... nothing....... i love life at the moment.... *sighs* i can't help but smile the only thing that seems to be missing is love.... love in relationships... i have to admit seeing little couples and reading about people who end up finding love makes me feel more loner`fied.. it makes me feel lonely and light bluish grey *chuckles* im so silly.... i can't feel like a color *shrugs* but i can relate to it....... my oldeeerrrrrest crush is talking to me again... in a more mature and friendlier way ... could this lead to something? *shrugs* should i hope for it and go all desperate and wish and want for it to come true? *chuckles some more* hell no. that's not me... if it's for me then i'll kindly accept it.... and if it ends up a good relationship then bad... i'll get over it.... but if it's offered then taken away and i'm toyed with *shrugs* i'll send him to hell and carry on living my life..... i can linger on a thought for a few moments but i eventually get over it...... obsessions don't last long and it's a known fact that most last up to 6 months no more.......... kekeke. *giggles* i think people are getting impatient with me.... because i move a little slower now... hugging my big fat quishy lime green and baby blue earth. cause it's smiling so cutely. i'm enjoying life and taking my time enjoying every moment... so much that others seem to be intimidated by it... they're also becoming more impatient... sure there's the occassional "Ashlea hurry up!" or "What did I tell you to do? OMG!"

sighs.... my imperfectioness intimidates others... but it all suddenly seems so perfect..... the stars seem to be shining at me this time and the suns light seems to be a more peachy lighter colour that makes me smile... sometimes for no apparent reason ... from my endless melancholy... to the girl with a light yellow shield that shields away all negativitey... my thoughts linger for moments and i awake back to reality.... sure there's homework and rumours to deal with... but has that ever gotten to me? *chuckles* your all funny.... nope =] now's the perfect time for love come into my life... everything feels so perfect...so peachy keen... but i know that when things are going perfect it can do a 180 on you. i know that but this time round.... i'm prepared for it.... and i can handle it..... when the worse comes to the worst i believe i have the elements within me to banish the demons away..... and if it's a good 180 that'll come to me.... then i'll be thankful...... i'm so happy....... nothing can beat me down...... i've been through my rain this time..... and i know my down fall should come again....... but everytime i fall i stand up a stronger and better person..... i believe in myself and i know..... my worth has turned into perfection and that this perfection will only last a little while..... but i'm glad it's finally come.... i deserve this and i've long waited for it's arrival... and now it's finally here.... ..

[ Guy Sebastian - All I Need ]

flying so high ... reaching up
THEN FALLING. *laughs* silly you! no... at least not yet.

- the original ; mrs ash-lea. - ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1825905/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1825905/ Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:40:30 PST What do you do when you feel this way? What do you do when you feel as if you've made so many mistakes that you can't erase them nor make any difference in alleviating the 'wrongfulness' of the situation? I just want him back SO bad, but ive just fucked it all up, by saying the wrong things..
Signing off in a state of melancholy..
Love Ashlea..
// the odd's are against me..


-----


saturday // v-day >_<

lets do a rundown on vannahs party!

- butter was used instead of oil.
- nat & tina cooked. o.O
- i was a loser playing with those stick thingos that light up
- i burnt myself from the lighter. :S
- anne's cousins house was right next to the park.
- not all guys think of it.
- some guys PLAY soccer. (roflmaos.. me and my cautiousness)
- jenifah rocks my jocks stills.
- minhtam is a bimbo. NAW fool.
- Karen DOES have red hair.
- Vans ice cream melted like a bitch. lols..
- I went crazy with the knife.
- Cathy danced crazily in the middle of the field.
- The guys clapped. woo go cathy!
- There were guys there that played soccer but had sports cars so i held onto the knife tightly flicking it from time to time.. (which scared a lotta ppl.)
- I love MINWOO. naw that doesnt count...
- Anne bought a cosmo mag that had nudity!
- Van is such a loser! *giggles* she has straight hair now.... before (no offence) looked like a birds nest.
- We went to Vans house after.
- No one wore seatbelts. We fit 8 people or more in a 5 seater car.
- I stuck my finger and poked my tongue out at the guy that walked past us.
- He went and i giggled.
- I giggle a lot.
- My hair was curly.
- I have pictures. look and see.
- ENTICE ICE CREAM ROCKS!
- But its too damn sweet.
- We water bombed people.
- My water bomb had brown rusty water with earwigs.
- It hit Minhtam

All throughout these days i'll be piled and stacked with more and more homework not to mention assignments. i AM already missing out on sleep.. because i go on the net. no matter what time or how late if i don't go on i'll feel like crap. it's not that i read fanfics or shit anymore that much it's because if i don't talk to my friends it's like im missing something in my day. think of what if i got a bf at this time in my life..... DAMN THINGS ARE SO HECTIC.. and what if his the laid back i don't give a crap i'm all cool and down with this -type of guy! OMG. a busy courier chick with some hippy.... damn thats just wrong. i guess i am wrong lust/love whatever the hell you call it ..... KEEP AWAY >_________<

all i want in this world of misery greyness, happy moments, defence, loneliness and passion is a REAL true friend. A FEW real friends. like .... 4? or 3? but out of those friends. ONE i can truely count on, anytime anywhere and any place. someone who's patient and who can keep up with me. when i mean keep up with me i mean they're smart enough their capacity is almost like mine or greater and that they CAN keep up with me. i'm fast..... fast matey fast @________@ . . . and sometimes there's no room for the slow in my world. YES YOU'VE GUESSED IT. i'm impatient.................. i may not act it but damn i am. >__________< i feel so frustrated angered mad and confused all in one emotion at the same time. AND NO ITS NOT FKN PMS! i am as of now officially busy and not allowed out. i haven't been to the city i admit i probably am one of the party bringers or one of hte most outgoingest girls you'll EVER meet. no matter how depressed or unhappy or grey i was before.

if i continue typing some more about whatever the hells on my mind i'll talk... ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1806535/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1806535/ Sat, 07 Feb 2004 00:59:53 PST
i got caught sleeping in science yesterday... i didn't even know i fell asleep. the teacher mr priouet tapped me and caught me. he told me to go see him at lunch... i thought was in big trouble so i ripped off all my jewelerry hid my stuff etc..

at lunch i saw him and my legs were shaking. lols. i hate confrontations... i don't like being told off or told i'm doing something wrong in that way... it makes me go emotional. haha. eek. anyways. turns out he was just worried about me and he was caring... why is it so that i have a huge apparently guilt conscience buh i still end up doing bad things... you'd think i'd learn from mistakes buh it seems as if i do something bad, feel bad afterwards for it, forget about it, do it again and the cycle goes on... ee... i want to be a good person..

i'm very happy.. strangely.. parents and i are at its worst ever.. i remember my dad used to always kiss me and call me little names like my little daughter and princess and now he is so distant.. my mum just complains about everything i do... we talk, buh harsh words are thrown everywhere all the time. i know they have valid reasons for feeling the way they do and saying such things buh mums don't call their daughters sluts. sigh... i won't hate them. i just dislike being at home very much atm... i know. i sound like a typical 'socalled rebel' buh arr. last time i tried so hard not to buh ended up crying in front of a friend who never saw me sad or anything before.. arr i don't want to open ups..

i am thankful for everything... school is good. i don't dread it and have made new friends or have talked to people who i hadn't really talked to before... it's fun going school now... just tiring.

i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday that i'm not very close to. well it's not like it's just hi and bye... we talk buh hadn't really talked. today we were talking about things and it was just soooo cooooooooool. she is so sweet and honest at the same time. if you end up reading this, you know who you are she is such a caring friend... to all her friends. hehe i love y0u and y0u're so cool! remember that~

i feel like apologising to the world... sorry for the judgments i've made when i wasn't in the position to judge... sorry for the harsh things i've said buh now regret... sorry for pretending... sorry for interrupting... sorry for being who i am... i promise i try to be something better...

vagueness and modifying saves me.

arghHhs school is so hard. (im a dumb ass shush) i don't know what's going on in class and i do ask questions buh i feel scared to ask more cause i feel stupid.. everybody is just so smart! *fingers crossed* i want to do well... prove that i am something...

thankyou God.... for everything... and thankyou in advance for what my life is going to become of... i smile to bring forth something better..

take care, don't give up and continue smiling and bring something new into each day...

with love, Ashlea xox ]]> ~unknownskank http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1765385/ http://unknownskank.deviantart.com/journal/1765385/ Fri, 30 Jan 2004 01:58:13 PST _<

And I was going so well, too...*s n i f f*

So there you have it. I can only last TWO days, eating rabbit food from the canteen. Let's see if I can pick myself up and make another 'Ashlea record' ]]> ~unknownskank