http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:whymebeacause&section=today deviantART RSS for by:whymebeacause en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 29 Dec 2009 02:35:58 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/28645115/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/28645115/ Sun, 29 Nov 2009 07:11:10 PST
I stare back at what was me. That little girl from Alaska far away from home, and so torn in the inside. What to do, dreams to dream and all the other amazing things I had to shread up, eat and keep walking with, as torn bits of flesh leave the pieces behind.

I've done many things the last five year and it's so strange to think that the sixth one is rolling it's way onto my lap without even a nodd of my approval. Time is one thing we can not control or change and time helps us all learn from everything.

What have I been up too? Working more than I sleep, and sleeping less than five hours a day. But I'm happy with it. I feel accomplished and ready to take the world over again. I have a brand new apartment in a few weeks and am excited for long nights at the computer and working on my memoir again.

I am still healing, still trying to find that girl I wanted to be, that one with all the powers to take over the world. I fell this time, and the scares are really deep. The memories are haunting and the nights are long. I'm trying to make the best of it and keep my head in the game of life.

Memories are one thing that are hard to let go, let slip away, let melt to some place else far from here.

It's been a rough six months and I'll have to admit it really made me know that it's okay to cry. I take those moments for what they are let them out and keep going.

They say that time makes all things possible, they say that things happen for a reason, they say sometimes you don't get over it, they say that people who touch your lives may not even realize it. I walk firm, with my head up and have changed so much of me into who I needed to be.


My hair will always remain short, my wrist will always remain tatooed, my eyes will always have a far away look, and my heart.... part of it will always be a little gone. I lost a large part of me and it will take me a long time to rebuild and heal the hollow spots into scares.It's not that I want that piece gone, it's that it was something a lot better than what it has become.


I still continue with my plans, I'm going to look at a new school after the holidays and have started surrounding myself with people again. It's been a mixed up road of feelings and a lot of ......... soul searching.....

"Wasted Time"

Say it to my face
Look me in the eyes
And say what you have to say
You know we can't erase these words before goodbye
And turn the final page

Ahh here comes alone again

Everything's broken
Everything's vacant
Everything's wasted time again
Sentiments hopeless
Innocence jaded
Everything's wasted time again

And so we leave this stage
And all our best read lines
And all the acts we played
So say you wanna leave
And say we never held the way we always hoped we'd try

And say hello to alone again

'Cause, everything's broken
Everything's vacant
Everything's wasted time again
Sentiments hopeless
Innocence jaded
Everything's wasted time again

Ahh someday we might find
Some sacred place in time
But until then all we'll share
Are dreams we've left behind

'Cause everything's broken
Everything's vacant
Everything's wasted time again

Ahh, yeah!

Everything's broken
Everything's vacant
Everything's wasted time again
Sentiments hopeless
Innocence jaded
Everything's wasted time again
Everything's broken
Everything's vacant
Everything's wasted time again
Sentiments hopeless
Innocence jaded
Everything's wasted time again

Everything is broken
Everything is wasted time
Everything is broken
Everything is wasted time


........Music is what holds me together. I went to an O.A.R. concert and the song Shattered came on and the crowd went crazy, and my head went to the first time I heard the song driving home from my friends house where I'd stayed for a week and a half trying to keep myself from drowning in a bottle of Captain. ...... and I just threw my hands up sang and danced like all the other people... and finally felt like it was going to be okay.....

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm go... ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/27281564/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/27281564/ Fri, 18 Sep 2009 14:15:46 PDT


Adu

hallie

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/26405928/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/26405928/ Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:49:10 PDT
]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/26213467/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/26213467/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 14:16:39 PDT When you're on, I swear you're on.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
Rip my heart out, you'll rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
I throw away everything I've written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could loose you again.
You're winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
If you love me at all.........





What do you do but live a day at a time and sigh just sigh

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/26212799/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/26212799/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 13:43:08 PDT
Am I supposed to put my life on hold
Because you don't know how to act
And you don't know where your life is going
Am I supposed to be torn apart, broken hearted, in a corner crying?
Pardon me if I don't show it
I don't care if I never see you again
I'll be alright
Take this final piece of advice and get yourself together,
But either way baby, I'm gone

Chorus:
I'm so over it, I've been there and back
Changed all my numbers and just in case you're wondering
I got that new
I'm a single girl swag
Got me with my girls and we're singin' it sing!
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye

Cut my hair 'cuz it reminded me of you
I know you like the long 'do,
Had to switch my attitude up
Thinkin' of changing up how I ride, No more
On the passenger side
Too bad you miss out on the way that I drive it
I don't care if I never see you again
I'll be alright
Take this final piece of advice and get yourself together,
But either way baby, I'm gone

Chorus:
I'm so over it, I've been there and back
Changed all my numbers and just in case you're wondering
I got that new
I'm a single girl swag
Got me with my girls and we're singin' it sing!
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye

Hey hey, hey hey hey
Goodbye

Chorus:
I'm so over it, I've been there and back
Changed all my numbers and just in case you're wondering
I got that new
I'm a single girl swag
Got me with my girls and we're singin' it sing!
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye

Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/26158363/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/26158363/ Fri, 24 Jul 2009 19:49:44 PDT
]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25992056/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25992056/ Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:42:21 PDT

So what I mean to say is. Right now this part of my life is hard, I know before I know it the next five years will fly by and I'll almost be 30 and then who knows right? Who knows?

I really believe we are all here to make things better for each other it's a matter of how to do it.

I know this may of been cheesy or whatever, but in reality.

We're all people. We're human. We feel. We love. We live. We breathe. We imagine. We dream.



And that in itself is beautiful.

It's true beauty in my eyes..........


so tell me .......


What's yours?



Because letting it all go. Forgiving it all in the end. Walking away for you and nothing else. Was worth it. Was meant to be. Means it is over.



Was it hard, more than words can express. Some days are better than others, but no day is granted, no time is granted and most of all we are full of unknown everythings. Each day brings a new mission, surprise and sometimes sorrow. However it's how you live it and work into understanding that makes you strong.



So maybe being 22 isn't so bad, I'll be 23 soon. We'll talk about that another night. For now I'm tired, and ready for bed.

Adu,

Sleep tight,

---H K Robinson

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25876905/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25876905/ Sat, 11 Jul 2009 09:37:38 PDT
I feel sick, I've hardly eaten, my color is gone, my lips are faded, I just feel like inside I'm dead. I feel so dead.


But even if I've applied for more jobs than I can count and I told myself to turn over a new leaf and stand and fight for what will be better. What will make it better, what will make it all worth it.

I will not go away from him. I can not walk away. I can not abandon him.

I just have to figure out how to be that silent shadow without falling......


because today I've only been at the edge of tears a few times, but man .....




it just hurts


but im hanging in there


im trying to just stand

and so far its working



so far i am stronger then i thought i was


but it hurts more than i can express




War- something you can not fix




im so sorry i can not fix it

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25841339/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25841339/ Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:41:51 PDT
Reality is kids that war is hard and it does stuff to people we can not understand or control. We are who we make ourselves and we live how we want too. Sometimes we push the people who love us the most away because we can't handle the dreams or the thoughts of what has happen.

In all reality a dear friend, someone more than a friend, went to war. He came back more than a person, more than anything else I can say except he bore scares no one can see nor understand. He feels like a person among people who have no idea. We are selfish people here in America working our jobs and consuming our goods, while our soldiers fight the fight of freedom. How selfish are we to not realize that after one has snipered more than his share that he would eventually snap.

I regret to inform myself that inside I'm broken beyond anything I've ever felt before. I feel so out of touch with reality and numb beyond, but as the day wore on today I grew strong in the hopes of eventually. Eventually it won't hurt as bad as it has the last few days. Eventually we can achieve. Eventually we might figure it out. I can't walk away. I can't lose hope, I can't bare the scares all I can do is live my life and think one day it'll be okay again, one day I won't be this sad and one day.........


Eventually he might understand too



I know how silly this sounds and I'm sure most of you might have been here, but I'm not leaving DA. I'm going to just work on stuff for now and think about eventually.


That is all I can hold on too. I remind myself that sometimes we all fall......sometimes we might fall



But Ryan Star is a fucking master mind..... because his song we might fall....... yes


So that's where I'm at, that's all I am

A small fraction of a missing piece



............ She picks up from here
Watching you leave
Looks at the trees
Goodbye dear

Sees light
She speaks to you on


On clouded spaces.....adu....adu....adu

..........



.....

..........and then she knows


in the end




Eventually.........

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25735055/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25735055/ Sat, 04 Jul 2009 12:35:59 PDT
But I feel like a person in a story telling it and expecting a huge weird big ending.....


I feel something is about to happen and it will break me.... something bad


I don't know what but I'm full of dread,.....

Is this bad? That I seriously think this? And to be honest ..............I hate to say it


but whatever it is i dont know who its from or what it is or about but i just feel like its all about to change





and that kind of scares me


on two levels for the good and thrill of change



and because i just dont know

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25633938/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25633938/ Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:39:01 PDT
What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore

It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the way
You insist on heading

Please be honest Mary Jane
Are you happy
Please don't censor your tears

You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that's why I love you

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry

Tell me
Tell me
What's the matter Mary Jane...

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25600411/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25600411/ Sun, 28 Jun 2009 06:11:43 PDT

I feel like I've become the sideliner at the soapbox derby forever, watching the race, cheering on the racer, and just getting a wave and a kiss at the end. Feeling this crushed is something I can't get used too, feeling this empty, is hard. Like a drank up juice box with just enough left in the corners to stay up and alert, air determine it's legality of being crushed and thrown away, it's a matter of time before someone realizes how empty it is.........


Sad isn't it? The stupid cliches' of things and that there of.


So I pick up more hours at work, I babysit more on the weekends, I plan friend activities, something to do, something to look forward too, something to make me stay away from the places where I was there with you. Have you ever felt so pushed away in your life? I ask myself why I just feel so hurt, I shouldn't...I guess...I can't I guess. I just ...I got that what if, I got to take it and run with it, and ......I put all my cards in..... and I feel like my game is gone and the dealer is just laughing and laughing and my make-up runs down my face into my hands falling tears until the table and the camera people over head who watch for card counters stare at me, trying to figure out what the problem is, where the problem came....

and honestly.......



I have no idea......



But the realization is, I live my life to live. There are no regrets, there are no take backs, there are no more what ifs. I tried my best to give my all and I'll keep trying, but it hurts. It really hurts.




But sometimes pain makes it worth it, the matter is .........


Where do I stop


Because parts of me.......


Are completely gone....


Love the people you love no matter where, no matter where they're at, no matter what they say, but sometimes you have to step back and take all of players in a row and break it into innings and players and then ask who dropped the ball.



I don't know what more to say except, it's not over, the fighting part, is gone, the rest is just here waiting for months to pass to see what happens. I have become a bystander in my own life, and more now that's okay. Next weekend is the 4th of July and I plan to be the best lemon shot drinker in the world, I want to forget the last few weeks, I want to not cry, I want it to level out.


Sometime it will. Believe in change.


I'm getting a tattoo this week.


I'm seriously getting a tattoo.


And then maybe it'll just level out.


What it comes down too is Ryan Stars song...... We Might Fall

We should go to sleep now,
you should stay the night.
I'll be up to watch the world around us live and di... ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25590870/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25590870/ Sat, 27 Jun 2009 16:37:44 PDT
Adu


Love is an endless flower, however, they wilt, and sometimes it breaks even the strongest of us all.......


I am more than anyone ever thought, and in reality, I will be more than I ever thought too.......

push.....and see how fall the flower falls


I shall drink and be merry now! Time for friends, vodka, new pj's and the realization that no matter what my girls rock!


-Hal E

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25166625/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/25166625/ Sat, 06 Jun 2009 18:26:15 PDT
I POSTED NEW CHEESY STUFF AND I DONT CARE!!!

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/24561175/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/24561175/ Sun, 03 May 2009 07:33:48 PDT

My love is going to be here in some days and we're starting the life we should of had years ago. It's always been there, this longing for that second half of me, and I found him again.

I have to sit down and write soon, when my life doesn't consist of working 70 hours, 6 credit hours, and sleeping. It's just been crazy!

I have pictures to post too...... just haven't gotten around to them yet.

Other then that I'm taking off to Arkansas at the end of the month to see the family and to possibly bring the boy as well.

It's all so wonderful, beautiful and amazing right now that I'm at a loss for words to say how much my life has changed in just 5 little months. At new years last year I would of never guessed this is where my life would be and I'm pretty grateful for it.

Other then that you know how to find me if you need me.


I leave you with this: When you know something is right or when something inside tells you to give it your all and shut up your pride take that chance no matter what the consequence is. NEVER give in when you know it's wrong, NEVER let go when you don't think you should. NEVER let others make your decisions. And most of all NEVER stop being true to that voice inside you that says, love is a beautiful flower that never dies, fades or changes appeal. Simply do it and do it the way it should of been years ago.


"I can't believe you're here" "I am"


Words that will stay ingrained for years to come.

Adu,

-Hallie

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23812861/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23812861/ Sat, 21 Mar 2009 11:36:55 PDT

I answer yes and then I smile so much more than I know I should be



NEVER STOP DREAMING>NEVER STOP BELIEVING>NEVER STOP KNOWING>ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR INNER-VOICE> ALWAYS SMILE>NEVER LET GO



Never let it go when it has always been there.

So this is what they said it'd be.............


Life is so much more beautiful then I've ever known.....


And at this moment, weeks before months and months to years



All I have to say is, tomorrow really is a new day, you never know what doors will open and over all never stop believing in yourself.

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23795586/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23795586/ Fri, 20 Mar 2009 11:56:29 PDT
We should go to sleep now,
you should stay the night.
I'll be up to watch the world around us live and die.
Lying on the grass now,
dancing for the stars.
Maybe one will look on down and tell us who we are.

We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall
We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall

I could join the circus,
and you could sell your hair.
I could learn to walk the line or learn to train the bears.
Tell me are you crazy,
and did you like the cold.
Tell me are you comfortable if comfortable at all.

We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall
We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall

Now that we are older,
I remember you.
Reaching out to show me all the things that I must do.

Now that we are older,
I remember youth.
Now that we are close to death and close to finding truth.

We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall
We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall

Shalalala
Shalalala
Shalalala

Shalalala
Shalalala
Shalalala

We might fall.

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23675562/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23675562/ Fri, 13 Mar 2009 12:17:38 PDT
You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.

[Pre-Chorus 1]
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...

[Chorus]
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you

[Pre-Chorus 2]
Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

[Chorus]
You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.






And this one is it

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23675438/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23675438/ Fri, 13 Mar 2009 12:10:49 PDT
Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upperhand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse,
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.









and sometimes you just have to let it go


forever

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23557446/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/23557446/ Fri, 06 Mar 2009 13:37:22 PST
Dreams are that of value. Your dream is different than mine, and therefore may have more equity under the table then mine ever would in your eyes. Eyes bringing me to another thought of differences. In some people their eyes tell it all. Pain or sorrow. Happy or sad glimmers of hopes. Colors and faded outlines. Eyes tell a lot about someone if they meet yours when you’re speaking to them. If they watch others intently. If they gaze only at your bossoms as you speak with eloquence, if they stare beyond your imagination. Eyes are that of something more than even we can understand. It’s a natural occarance of something different. Something we can not control, the glitz and glamors of Hollywood and the melodies of Broadway. We are not only what we come to think of ourselves, but we are also what we protray as just simple individuals.



Ryan Star

We Might Fall

We should go to sleep now,
You should stay the night.
I'll be up to watch the world around us live and die.
Lying on the grass now,
Dancing for the stars.
Maybe one will look on down and tell us who we are.

We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall
We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Halile we might fall

I could join the circus,
And you could sell your hair.
I could learn to walk the line or learn to train the bears.
Tell me are you crazy,
And did you like the cold.
Tell me are you comfortable if comfortable at all.

We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall
We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall

Now that we are older,
I remember you.
Reaching out to show me all the things that I must do.
Now that we are older,
I remember youth.
Now that we are close to death and close to finding truth.

We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall
We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall

We might fall.

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22680088/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22680088/ Mon, 19 Jan 2009 18:21:53 PST
I remember when my mother told me stories of her childhood and how she had friends who were "colored" and was banned at playing with them at a young age. She explained to me how important people like Martin Luther King were. And I knew this at a young age. I know most of his speech starting with, " I have a Dream." I used to listen to it on an encyclopedia game thing I had as a child and as I see his picture I can hear his voice. I can feel the ring of his determined words in my ears. I can see the look of pure fortitude in his eyes. I can see the difference in courage than in other things found today involved with hate.

Years later I'd visit my father to hear stories of the KKK and how our family was affiliated and how certain bridges in the county still had rope burns on them from the hanging of "Niggers". His choice of words not mine. This was our way of bonding, he was showing me family history. Little did he know that it haunted me at night, that our family was responsible for this hate, for this injustice of humanity, for this sick way of showing people you are above them just because you have white skin.

I remember when we first moved here and I was small and I had to take my braids out that had real Eskimo made ties in them and my father explaining that the men from the KKK hung out at the post office across the street from our house and I was not to mention the fact that I was a good chunk of Cherokee Indian. And this was in the 90's. It never died away people everywhere are full of hate. No matter what we say or do or what awareness is made.

Now I sit here the night before inauguration and I think America has come a long way. Life can hold on to so many different things they never expected to happen. I not only wanted Obama in office because of his Democratic view points, but because he was right we need change. We need options we need to know that this is not the 1950's we are a nation of many diversities and we should embrace all cultures and histories as a whole. The United States was built on immigrants and we are all the same. We have made our mistakes, but we live life in a very well off manner.

I am proud and teary eyed to know that tomorrow we will be in a moment of history. I will have to tell my grandchildren in 50 years about how we had our first African American president and what that means to our nation and what it means to our history as an entire whole.


Martin Luther you had a dream. You worked your heart and soul and your life for it. And it's coming true. People are learning, people are sharing, and people still cry at your memory. You live inside us even if we weren't alive when you were, even if we didn't understand as children. We know what you went through. We understand that fighting for a cultural change and for people to be nicer to people and to understand that we are who we are no matter what skin color, or religion or any gender based biased opinion. We are simple humans and that is not mistaking anything. We all make mistakes and we all have a dream. Thank you for being someone to stand up for their dream. Thank you for voicing a dream and thank you for never giving up.

Someone may have taken you from us too early, but we still live your dreams today even if means holding your memory dear.


"I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."



And Martin, I have a dream too, but I know I will never be able to do as good as you did. I can only aspire to go farther then my dreams would ever imagine. Thank you for having the courage to share your dream.

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22649901/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22649901/ Sun, 18 Jan 2009 10:08:19 PST
]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22457443/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22457443/ Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:37:25 PST

and to be honest..... it made me laugh its real its honest its how i felt at the time

its like a raw piece of my brain completely organized which is rare

how i forgot i wrote this i dont know

but i proved something to me....


it made something come alive....


I laughed deeply

I really did

It’s 2002 before I even knew you. Before it even happen. Before life was what it is now. Before I was 20. Before the world became real. Before I realized why my mother drank so much. Before I realized Captain is my best friend and I love him so. Before I knew that staying out until 4am and working the next day at 8am goes into the catagory as the best night ever. Before I met the man of my dreams and gave him up for my dreams. Before I stopped looking at the sky. Before I stood on the dock and waited for the rain to take me away. Before I left for corn country. Before I realized I hated the classics unless they were strange. Before I graduated from anything but kindergarden. Before I wore glasses. Before I knew the truth of who my parents are. Before I learned how much I’m against war. Before I said I love you and meant it. Before I dated a convict. Before I realized being a writer is like wanting to be a movie star. Before I realized I could do anything. Before I suceed on my own. Before I walked out on her. Before I made it alone. Before I said goodbye to that life. Before I realized I didn’t need to commit suicide. Before I wanted to keep living the dream. Before I fell in love with country music. Before I realized I love the color red and not purple. Before I laughed inside. Before I’d quite a job. Before I swalled down what I wanted to stay. Before I knew why I didn’t like the family. Before I realized that life is not how it should be. Before I understood the realities of religion. Before I made sure I gave a damn. Before I stopped to smell the flowers.

Now its 2008. I’m old. Will be 22 and am still old. Now I miss that it happen. I don’t regret it. I did inbetween the before and to the now. Now life is what it is, each day as it was and each one ended at the sleep time. Now the world is so real it hurts me. Now I love Captain a little too much some nights. Tasting it too my lips and wanting more. The bar does not cut off. Now I know better then to stay out all night and go to work or class. You smell better that way. Now I know how people are and that you can love people without even knowing it. Now I know how it feels to let them go and live their lives. Now I still stand in spots and stare. Now I still love the rain. Now I am enjoying corn country to a point. Now I respect the classics and realize they still are over rated at times, but Trumbo is my fav. Now I’ve graduated both college and high school. Now I won’t wear my glasses. Now I still don’t care who my parents are because I’m away from them. Now I see the convict at walmart! Now I realize writers are over played.Now I realize why I’m against the war. Now I am amazing. Now I’d still walk away from her. Now I would know I can do anything on my own. I don’t need anyone. Now I love this life. Now I realize how selfish people can be. Now I know the dream changes but the goal is always in sight. Now I love every kind of music. Now I’m older red is my moto. Now I laugh loud and always. Speak and be heard. Silence is not a virtue. Now I tell people to suck it. Now I say what I want to say. Now I won’t sucum to their realities. Now I still don’t give a damn. Now I stop and try to smell the flowers or at least take a picture.

Maybe in 2020 it will get intersting. Maybe they’ll stop fighting. Maybe I’ll be more forgiving. Maybe the war will stop. Maybe the boys will come home. Maybe I’ll learn to respect my brother. Maybe I’ll write something worth while. Maybe I’ll understand. Maybe gas will go down. Maybe we’ll live in bubbles.

I’ve learned absolutely nothing,

All I know is the futuristic stories about times now compared to what they thought they would be are different and I for one think sometimes you swallow your pride too much. And lose a lot in the end.

However it’s a mess of a what to do. What would you do. And when do you pick a side and a say I WANT it back, when you know that you still don’t know


I hate it


I hate it all


So fuck it and truck it
And dump it in the land fill
Till it over
And tell them all to



Go to hell

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22438569/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22438569/ Tue, 06 Jan 2009 17:06:57 PST

SOOOOOO

I started it.... the first chapter of my own.....


Not posting those of you want it can have a hard copy mailed to you.

I'm tried and uploading pictures to facebook.......

PEACE OUT

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22097156/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/22097156/ Sun, 21 Dec 2008 06:15:39 PST
]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/21770218/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/21770218/ Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:34:50 PST

HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING A GOOD HOLIDAY ILL BE UP ONLINE IN DEC FOR A BIT!

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/21361278/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/21361278/ Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:08:56 PST

hal_e_k@yahoo.com
hallie_robinson@hotmail.com


Thanks kids and cats!

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/21189730/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/21189730/ Mon, 27 Oct 2008 16:18:56 PDT
a lot of pictures


A LOT


of thinking


A LOT

of wanting of silence



peace it

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20985449/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20985449/ Tue, 14 Oct 2008 12:42:00 PDT

I've loved. I've lost. I've smiled. I've won. I am that girl that knows no matter what happens she'll take it all on and make it.

I can make it happen.

A great friend asked me where did I get it from and I simply told her....

Without the life I've lived I wouldn't be where I am now.



I love the world, I love people and most of all I love where life is right now. It's simple, yet compiled into a perfect balance of life vs present past and future.

It's so beautiful.

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20815613/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20815613/ Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:29:35 PDT [link]

Check out some of my new photography!

I'm pretty excited about some of the pictures!

The above link is the first in the series!


I'm still working on all the rest. Time time time..... ugh! Maybe tomorrow some more!! MAYBE

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20711716/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20711716/ Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:41:12 PDT
I've got many many pictures to work thru and edit for the site. Not only do I need to upload these guys but a lot of them need some prose with them.


So slowly, I'll be adding pictures from many different things. There are about 200 that need processed to come onto Deviantart.



So ready? Set?



UPDATE!


--Hal

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20600156/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20600156/ Sun, 21 Sep 2008 10:54:29 PDT

Colbie Caillat - Realize lyrics


V1: Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

C: If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V2: Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no it's never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V3: It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

C: If you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

If you just realize what I just realized

OoOoOOo

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now

Realize, realize
realize, realize

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20588967/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20588967/ Sat, 20 Sep 2008 17:11:45 PDT
Joe Purdy - I Love The Rain The Most When It Stops lyrics

Well, I love the rain the most when it stops
We can see the big white houses, yeah, and the docks
And we can jump in the river, don't know if the water or sky is clearer
But I know that I love the rain the most when it stops
Yeah, when it stops

No more grey today, we gonna celebrate
You know Miss Sunshine, she starts to paint a perfect picture of this river parade
And I know that I love the rain the most when it stops
Yeah, when it stops

Well, the dark waves, they start singing together
I can't believe this change in the weather
I start to hum a child's rhyme
And all these boats, they start rocking in time
And I love the rain the most when it stops
Yes, we love the rain the most when it stops
Yeah when it stops

The summer is coming to an end
We ain't gonna let that slow us down one bit
Til that sunset will start to fade
They're gonna drag us screaming from these old riverbanks

We love the rain the most when it stops
We love the rain the most when it stops
Yeah, when it stops
Yeah, when it stops
Yeah, when it stops
When it stops, when it stops, when it stops...
Yeah, when it stops

I think you've had a little too much too drink
Let me help with that
Don't forget to tie the boat up
Not that way, no it's a figure eight, yeah
Yeah when it stops...
The rain, when it stops...

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20512166/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20512166/ Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:23:51 PDT
I'm okay. I'm wonderful. I'm a walking dramatic soap opera.

However, I love my jobs, I love my friends, I don't love my room at the moment, it needs some interior decorating.

I love the rain today and the last three days. I love how cool it's been. I love that my hair is getting longer. I love to dance in the rain.

I want to wear my polk-a-dot rubber boats and splish and splash to my hearts content and I want to listen to loud girly music until you get home and see me running around this house in little kid covered scrubs and realizing my world revolves around three year olds and art projects.

I enjoy it. I like the view from this house, I only wish we had the whole place. Victorian and modern all in one, it's like some awesome art project, only I need a few friends and the place would be amazing.

I hate the color purple. I love the color red. I listen to no one but me, and even then I am wrong sometimes, at least I won't admit until I understand it.

I distaste the rest of my family, besides the empathy I feel for them as fellow humans. As selfish humans yet I do not distaste myself, because I tried to be the glue.

I realized last week I own to many pairs of shoes and too many clothes. I am one of those girls who needs a closet bigger then the kitchen.

I realized I enjoy huge sunglasses and driving fast in the slow spots in town. I wish gas would move down and that we wouldn't have to invade Alaskans nature to take it out.

I miss and think and did and said and so many other things today that I'm so numb I can't make myself go lay down without you again.

I listen to sounds on loud repeat, and I listen to my brain say no more singing. I miss the tranquility of snow.

I want the arctic like some weird want for a cold. I want to feel the air being sucked from my lungs and ice crystals forming on the inside as my toes wiggled in the crunch of the snow and my hair frozen to the sides of my head in a curly form of halo as I walked away from the moose. I only miss that part.

I don't know honestly. I have the entire world at my fingertips, yet I've never felt so out of control in my life. I've never felt so helpless in my motivations. I've never understood the point of failure to the extent of what I feel right now.

I want to see something, I want to do something, I want to feel again. I just want to have the light come from my eyes and I want to say you know...... it is



It is


I do.


I had the most adorable little boy tell me today, how my eyes were brown and his were blue and how he wanted mine.

Three year olds are brilliant little people.

For a child with the family history of his, comparing mine to his makes mine angelic, the amount of sorrow this little boy will encounter and the amount of selfish people in his life are something I can't understand.


What it comes down too, is

I've forgotten how to write


And I feel like I'll never get it back............

But even that is stupid, because life is more then that. Life and people and interactions and events and culture and sociology and all of that



Is fucked



Brandi Carlile
The Story lyrics


All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Ohh yea it's true... that I was made for you

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20141506/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20141506/ Mon, 25 Aug 2008 03:12:35 PDT
contemplation |ˌkäntəmˈlā sh ən|
noun
the action of looking thoughtfully at something for a long time : the road is too busy for leisurely contemplation of the scenery.
• deep reflective thought : he would retire to his room for study or contemplation.
• the state of being thought about or planned.



It's odd that fall classes start today, and I am not going to class. Somewhat of a sweet victory if I'd of passed my last course for my degree. If I had passed I would be sitting here more full, more something of a sense of fulfillment. Instead I'm left with an uneasy feeling of lost values and unsaid destinies.

My life has been on overdrive for weeks, months, years. I have kept myself so busy just so I don't sit down and think of the old times, so I can stretch out the now into what is and whatever will be.

Silently I realize that I don't have classes, but my life will still be as busy as if I do. I plan my every waking moment as if I am some small prep school girl with a mother who wants to expose and nurture to her surrounds, and to others surroundings.

I feel like I might never stop being in overdrive just to have the feeling that life is so busy I forget to reflect.

It just feels easier this way.

I also have decided to stop ghost hunting for the time. I'm not sure if it's the hunt or the people. But mainly I've realized I need to step back from the paranormal for the moment and think about what doors I might be opening before I open them.


-hal

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20090607/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20090607/ Fri, 22 Aug 2008 06:14:53 PDT
So much. So little. So.......so......




Time

ANNA NALICK LYRICS
"Breathe (2 AM)"


2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20016577/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/20016577/ Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:27:16 PDT
Hello and goooooood morning!

I arrived home last night from my road trip with my investigation team and had a ball out on the road.

I acctually conqueered a small fear which is water, and went in a little paddle boat thing with them.

I had a ball!

Other then that we didn't do much investigating unless it was at the end of a battle of Captain Morgan.

It was pretty much amazing!

I got pretty caught up on stuff before I left but we'll see where I go from there.

Moving this week. Organzing and stuff. So much to do, so little time.

-Hallie

Enya - May It Be

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19758749/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19758749/ Sun, 03 Aug 2008 19:36:15 PDT
I like to think of my life as one that never ends. I love the idea of people and their worth and existence to each other and to Life as a whole.

I've done a lot of finding myself over the summer. Last summer I got to this part of the year and started to realize more and more about myself.

The summer before this at the same time I started talking to my mother again.

Life as it's been has been rocky. The material maintenance of my life is most likely the reason that anything has been stressful.

I've done a lot with myself since I turned eighteen. I've over come many self truths and many self serving obstacles. I enjoy the world around me, I am on an adventure and nothing ever stops my dream.

I don't entirely know the dream anymore. I want to do something with my life that involves people. Explores all unknown territory and most of all don't want to look back ten years from now and ask myself why I never did the things that were open for me to do.

I enjoy life here in farm country USA. I never thought I'd get so used to the people and enjoy the laid back situations of everyday life. I've learned so much about people and life and anything else I could think of.

Lately I've been having weekend adventures with some of the greatest people I've ever met in my life. I've barely known them and would do anything for them. I'm doing things I've never even thought I would do.

Ten years ago this would be something that I would of never considered. I wouldn't even watch scary movies and made sure some light was on in my room at night. Sleeping or ever being in the dark was not an option.

Last night or even early morning today. I watched as my new friends in the investigation team took off to their spots. I can't give much detail of what we do, but I can say that it is indescribable.

The team members were all in the woods or other places in the cemetery and I pretty much sat down and watched it all happen. Something just told me to sit back and watch the show. I turned off my headlight and watch the distant lights move around the cemetery and I watched the other guys taking pictures on the other side and I just thought to myself. Who would of ever thought that I would ever be here at this time of night and be completely fearless.

I did this twice last night. I just sat back and watched the others and realized I'd become part of something. It's been a long time since I let myself feel anything or understand that people are good, or aren't like my family.

It was nice to just feel. I got so many hugs and such last night from them I almost long for Saturday just to feel the craziness come back and feel that we are not alone. We know there are other things out there and we are going to prove it. We know that some things are not good and some are. We see the children. We know the Indians and we find them again and again. We investigate. I know people may think that this is crazy, but in all truth it's just a great time in my life where I can be free.

I love being free.

Free at last.

I know that makes no sense to anyone but me, but their grasp on me is gone. I am my own person. I am my own woman. I am strong, brilliant, and amazing.

And most of all I am loving every minute of it.

Enya - May It Be

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19622344/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19622344/ Sun, 27 Jul 2008 11:51:01 PDT
Well my life has been a little rocky the last few months. Cash flow has been slim and it's been a bit of a call for life can be tough kid. However things are starting to look up. I've met some new friends in the area and we like to explore old buildings and cemeteries and of course other places that could be haunted or what not.

In the past three weeks, I've witnessed a spiritual attack, jumped out of a window, jumped over a barbed wire fence, went into a very flooded cave, went through a basement with bats, was in many covered bridges, heard and on some account saw coyotes following us from a distance, and went through the entire top of a concrete bridge to get to the top of the train tracks. [link]

All in all the moral is, I've lost my ability to be afraid and have realized I am one brave person! Hahaha! Mind you I've done all of these things in complete darkness and late late evenings into extreme early mornings.

The amount of thrill and fun it's been with my new crew of run arounds is indescribable.

On a writers and photographers note, I have some pictures of the bridge I went into, I'll get them up here soon.

And I'm also in charge of our groups news letters so you could say my journalism skills will be put to work.

I am also going up to the Art Institute on the second weekend of August and am going to see what their photography degrees are like, and might possibly be moving to Indianapolis in the near future.

I am enjoying my time with new friends and of course listening to the theme of Ghostbusters on the way to the cemeteries.

Some of the things I've seen the last two trips, and some of our actual pictures, are a bit strange, disturbing, and well down right awesome.

At this one place, some little spot followed me around all of the pictures they took, and the expressions on everyones' faces during our trips are priceless.


WIth that,

Hal K


10-4 ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19526329/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19526329/ Mon, 21 Jul 2008 20:47:26 PDT
I am enjoying my new friends and my new adventures.

It's pretty much awesome and life is holding steady at the moment.


Thank you for telling me no. That as been the best thing so far this year.

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19439151/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19439151/ Thu, 17 Jul 2008 03:12:53 PDT
Rob Thomas Little Wonders Lyrics
Songwriters: Thomas, Rob;

Let it go
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end
You will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine,
Till you feel it all around you
And I don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget
the way I feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Yeah, these twisted turns of fate
Time falls away
Yeah, but these small hours,
These small hours
Still remain

Yeah, oh they still remain
These little wonders
All these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders
Still remain

Exactly ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19376744/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19376744/ Sun, 13 Jul 2008 17:48:15 PDT
I've come a realization that life is not what it's suppose to be. Each and every encounter with adults in my past as been that of optimism and potential. We were told for almost 12 years of our lives that we had the world at our fingertips and that it was our choice what we did after we left the doors of our schools.

I hate to sound melodramatic or even a bit pessimistic, but the reality is that they are all liars. I understand that not everyone can be a movie star, not everyone can be the president, and not everyone is cut out to be a rocket scientist, however upon looking at these cliches and thinking about what my dreams, and many of my friends dreams were I find that more of us are falling to "The Man" and realizing that life is not what they said it would be.

I see the gap of the middle class rising larger and falling into the lower class more and more each day. The free rides and education of Americans is not at all free and has a high cost not just in tuition but also on ones self motivation and attention. I myself worked my way through my first degree.. minus a math class until December.... I'll talk about that later.

But as a pretty smart young women I didn't get over a 3.0 because I was working more then 40 to 50 hours and just couldn't cut the hours of both school and work and didn't get all the study time I needed in. I've learned that many things change and many things don't. I've also learned that regrets are dumb, but I'd want to go back and do a lot of things.

Anyone feel like this? Anyone else know?

I mean I have a lot to be thankful for. I have the opportunities to work as hard as I do and I get to have an education. However, I'd love to be a teacher, I just didn't think I would work this hard to get there.

I'm a in a down moment. Hoping to work out a few things with life situations and family situations. Eventually it's going to come to a head way with my father and I will be down a car again and working my life away.

I wish I understood the simplicity of life then, however the stress of other family members then was just as high. How I did it I'm not sure, and how people realized I wasn't making it they didn't.

Parts of me miss the cold so bad, parts of me are thankful I got away, other parts just miss the people. Being a hippy in Alaska is only natural.


I am stuck in the past. I usually do when it's hot and icky here.

I am stuck in other things, but you know, each day it gets better and better and one day, I'll realize that it'll be okay.




Optimism.... However living as a hermit in the middle of no where in a cabin does sound wonderful

-Hallie

there is always something inside alive saying...... love is but a dream, however the brain takes over the thoughts and says..... self, life, words, mind



you're all a bunch of shit.... ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19209078/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19209078/ Fri, 04 Jul 2008 20:35:58 PDT
I will admit that I shield my thoughts about the war or about the people who are over there fighting for us. I try to block out the fact that I can go to the store freely every single day and do whatever it is I want at anytime I want too and or anything else I feel I want to do.

I wanted to thank all my friends on Deviantart, and all my friends out there in the real world, as well as my big brother for putting their lives on hold to fight for freedoms, or at least to fight for something more then what I fight for here in my freedoms. Thanks for allowing me to be free and thanks for giving up parts of your lives to do that.

On a solid note I watched the fireworks come down and rain on our eyes and show us the colors. I watched the guys play with the loud noise makers and look at the neighbors as we gathered to see all the neighborhood friends light and fire their works. I sat back for a few moments thinking of what it was like watching bombs and other firearms that would make the lights such as these.

I thank my soldier friends, and I thank other fine men and women of the United States for taking their lives and dedicated them to bring freedom to others and to help fight for freedom.

All my love

hallie ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19142351/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19142351/ Tue, 01 Jul 2008 08:20:33 PDT

My moms is the shitz nit!


I've written a lot, but it's all too personal to post out here in the air. It's been an interesting month. I have no idea where it's all going, but it spirals up, and then down again.

I'm starting to think that is how it's suppose to be and that if I hold on long enough I'll enjoy the ride.

I need some crazy running around with people my age time. I have the weekend of the 4th off, and I'm completely excited to drink beer and light fireworks, what an idea right! Millions of Americans do it!

A lot is changing in everything I do. Cleaned like crazy today, and am working on a new piece, that I might post.


I'm not sure what else to say, what I want to, isn't appropriate and hate is something you shouldn't have, but it's there.

I only hate the relations, everyone else is a dull annoyance at times.

However, understanding when to let go, and when to sit on the sidelines is the hardest thing I've ever had to figure out what to do.

I hate the game called love.

rtist: Priscilla Ahn lyrics
Album: Other Song Lyrics
Title: It's Gonna Be Alright


Just walk away.
I don't wanna be that girl again.
That says goodbye to another broken hearted boyfriend.
But I'll let this slide.
cause you're different from all of them.
Yeah...

I need to learn when i've had enough.
I know its hard when the going gets tough.
But i don't want to stop this.
So promise me,
it's gonna be alright.

Someday you'll see, the hell is wrong with me.
Sometimes my mind is floating in another forein galaxy.
i'll leave behind all the tarot cards of an unknown prophecy.

I need to learn when i've had enough.
I know its hard when the going gets tough.
But i don't want to stop this.
So promise me,
it's gonna be alright.

So feel the waters and tell me,
what you wanna do to make it.
Cause i've got a piece of my mind,
saying its alright.
It's gonna be alright.

I'm going to try to stay as sane as i could possibly.
Big girls still cry so please be patient with me.
You and i were a match made at a birthday party ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19063155/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19063155/ Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:57:50 PDT
I leave with a song.
THE WEEPIES LYRICS

"Nobody Knows Me At All"

When I was a child everybody smiled, nobody knows me at all
Very late at night and in the morning light, nobody knows me at all

Now I got lots of friends, yes, but then again, nobody knows me at all
Kids and a wife, it's a beautiful life, nobody knows me at all

And oh when the lights are low
Oh with someone I don't know

I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam, nobody knows me at all
Ah, what can you do? There's nobody like you. Nobody knows me at all

I know how you feel, no secrets to reveal, nobody knows me at all
Very late at night and in the morning light, nobody knows me at all
Nobody knows me, nobody knows me, nobody knows me at all

rtist: Priscilla Ahn lyrics
Album: Other Song Lyrics
Title: It's Gonna Be Alright


Just walk away.
I don't wanna be that girl again.
That says goodbye to another broken hearted boyfriend.
But I'll let this slide.
cause you're different from all of them.
Yeah...

I need to learn when i've had enough.
I know its hard when the going gets tough.
But i don't want to stop this.
So promise me,
it's gonna be alright.

Someday you'll see, the hell is wrong with me.
Sometimes my mind is floating in another forein... ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19043796/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/19043796/ Wed, 25 Jun 2008 17:48:45 PDT
And I had the biggest realization a few weeks ago........ but it's too late......

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18905618/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18905618/ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 05:39:40 PDT
Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that theres time to grow, hey, hey

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
Im afraid that she might think of me as plain ol jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know youre wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

Repeat 1st chorus

Hate is a strong word. But it's everywhere, and in no relation to this song. Or who it might remind me of. Instead hate goes towards a word starting with an F and ending in Y or IES the result is......who the hell cares if I am full of hate, towards one group of common celled people....... ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18743864/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18743864/ Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:47:16 PDT
Lori Lieberman

Hallie don't, Hallie don't say it's so
You said you'd take me when you go
Hallie don't, Hallie don't up and leave
I'm waiting, yes I'm waiting

She was everything to me
More than a sister ought to be
Long ago, I just don't know anymore
Seemed like winter all year long
The sun burst after she had gone
Mama cleaned and Dad just screamed at the door

Hallie don't, Hallie don't leave this way
Don't matter now what people say
Hallie don't, Hallie don't let me go
Just turn that car around and come back home

She was everything to me
A place for secrets, a place for dreams
Somewhere safe, she was somewhere safe you could go
Well I don't dream much anymore
From fear or boredom, I'm not sure
Is she calling me- will today be the day

Hallie don't, Hallie don't leave this way
Don't matter now just who's to blame
Hallie don't, Hallie don't up and leave
I'm waiting by our signpost, come for me

You can only take so much
You can only lose so much
"I can only save myself," she said
"I'm saving what I can
And it chills you to the bone
It's the only thing you know
And you ache with shame and comfort
And you take the pain and comfort
And you go
You go..."

Sometimes I think it's not so bad
Might not be perfect, but it's all we have
Hallie's gone and she's moving on anyway

If she calls me I will say
"I'm doing fine and life's okay
It's just the nights
You can't trust the nights..."

Hallie don't, Hallie don't leave this way
You said you'd wake me when you go
Hallie don't, Hallie don't forget me
Just write to me
How it feels to be free
Free...

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18738818/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18738818/ Sun, 08 Jun 2008 21:33:56 PDT

ugh

ugh
ugh



Finally reading a Clockwork Orange

It’s 2002 before I even knew you. Before it even happen. Before life was what it is now. Before I was 20. Before the world became real. Before I realized why my mother drank so much. Before I realized Captain is my best friend and I love him so. Before I knew that staying out until 4am and working the next day at 8am goes into the catagory as the best night ever. Before I met the man of my dreams and gave him up for my dreams. Before I stopped looking at the sky. Before I stood on the dock and waited for the rain to take me away. Before I left for corn country. Before I realized I hated the classics unless they were strange. Before I graduated from anything but kindergarden. Before I wore glasses. Before I knew the truth of who my parents are. Before I learned how much I’m against war. Before I said I love you and meant it. Before I dated a convict. Before I realized being a writer is like wanting to be a movie star. Before I realized I could do anything. Before I suceed on my own. Before I walked out on her. Before I made it alone. Before I said goodbye to that life. Before I realized I didn’t need to commit suicide. Before I wanted to keep living the dream. Before I fell in love with country music. Before I realized I love the color red and not purple. Before I laughed inside. Before I’d quite a job. Before I swalled down what I wanted to stay. Before I knew why I didn’t like the family. Before I realized that life is not how it should be. Before I understood the realities of religion. Before I made sure I gave a damn. Before I stopped to smell the flowers.

Now its 2008. I’m old. Will be 22 and am still old. Now I miss that it happen. I don’t regret it. I did inbetween the before and to the now. Now life is what it is, each day as it was and each one ended at the sleep time. Now the world is so real it hurts me. Now I love Captain a little too much some nights. Tasting it too my lips and wanting more. The bar does not cut off. Now I know better then to stay out all night and go to work or class. You smell better that way. Now I know how people are and that you can love people without even knowing it. Now I know how it feels to let them go and live their lives. Now I still stand in spots and stare. Now I still love the rain. Now I am enjoying corn country to a point. Now I respect the classics and realize they still are over rated at times, but Trumbo is my fav. Now I’ve graduated both college and high school. Now I won’t wear my glasses. Now I still don’t care who my parents are because I’m away from them. Now I see the convict at walmart! Now I realize writers are over played.Now I realize why I’m against the war. Now I am amazing. Now I’d still walk away from her. Now I would know I can do anything on my own. I don’t need anyone. Now I love this life. Now I realize how selfish people can be. Now I know the dream changes but the goal is always in sight. Now I love every kind of music. Now I’m older red is my moto. Now I laugh loud and always. Speak and be heard. Silence is not a virtue. Now I tell people to suck it. Now I say what I want to say. Now I won’t sucum to their realities. Now I still don’t give a damn. Now I stop and try to smell the flowers or at least take a picture.

Maybe in 2020 it will get intersting. Maybe they’ll stop fighting. Maybe I’ll be more forgiving. Maybe the war will stop. Maybe the boys will come home. Maybe I’ll learn to respect my brother. Maybe I’ll write something worth while. Maybe I’ll understand. Maybe gas will go down. Maybe we’ll live in bubbles.

I’ve learned absolutely nothing,

All I know is the futuristic stories about times now compared to what they thought they would be are different and I for one think sometimes you swallow your pride too much. And lose a lot in the end.

However it’s a mess of a what to do. What would you do. And when do you pick a side and a say I WANT it back, when you know that you still don’t know


I hate it


I hate it all


So fuck it and truck it
And dump it in the land fill
Till it over
And tell them all to



Go to hell

Pride sucks ass. ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18719958/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18719958/ Sat, 07 Jun 2008 19:39:34 PDT
Hey kids!


It's me and I'm still super completely busy with everything!

Two courses this summer from IVY, to officially complete my degree. Taking three courses from the University of Alaska, and have to get my ass in gear hard core for those.

SO I need to slow my ass down and stop working so much!

Between being a manager at a mini golf place which is amazing! And being a preschool substitute, my life is a little crazy.

I was interviewed for a position at the college and won't know until Tuesday if I get that I will be so excited! If I do, I'm staying here for awhile, if not, I'm heading home to the great north!

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18438433/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18438433/ Wed, 21 May 2008 20:44:05 PDT
I'm currently still MIA but will be back and up to date in a few weeks. My life is a bit like a movie right now. I admit I plan to just lay low for awhile and kill time over the summer.

I have no idea when I'm coming to Alaska, if I'm heading to Alaska, and when I will want to continue on with my other endevors. I miss a lot in life, like the simple ways of just reading all day.

I plan to complete my math course this summer and to keep my head in the books and after that I'm just not sure.

Without the world I would be nothing. The world is a massive thing that really doesn't concern me. What concerns me is knowing you are out in the world without me, and your words still suck me into the motions of the feeling of the heart. It's the beats that keeps me breathing and the motion of the blinks of simplistic eyes that bring me to awake to my senses. I saw in the darkness of my hands and minds that we are who we make ourselves, and we are what we will be. I have so much to do in life, but I have so much yet I'm not sure to do. The what ifs in my story are something that I can handel it's the risks I didn't take that I will regret, or the motions I didn't run with. Time was a factor, I had to grow u, I had to let live, I had to figure out things. I've grown distant to my poems, I've lost the will of writing. I'm silent in the sun. Yet within me, and within my life I am who i want to be. I laugh when I need to laugh. I sing when my heart tells me too and most of all, I'm going to live. I can't keep chasing some of the dreams. The work is taking away my love of my life, my love of people, my dreams of writing. I plan to take the time to sit back and keep looking at myself to write and looking at myself to make things simple again.

I miss it. The talks, the poem writing, the quiet time. I want to have fun I want to drink all the drinks, and dance on the tables as a young women in the world and looking at a bright future. I will continue with a writing degree. For now I plan to continue my own courses and my own readings and writing and take a step back to say........

Life my name is Hallie, and I am so twirled up in living you that I've forgotten what good times are, what good friends do, and how to be a young carefree adult. It's high time I do that and learn to step out into the world and not be affraid when I'm shot down, or when things don't go right, but instead to look out at the world and say FUCK YOU I can do anything and your greed and you complexities are not mine to deal with. I will be who I am and I want to be I don't know. What I know is lets step back dear self and lets enjoy the normal times of the world and look at life as a lovely novel to write every day.....






Good night ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18254294/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18254294/ Sat, 10 May 2008 08:55:25 PDT

E-mail my hotmail address, and I have messangers of my phone .....


I'm trying to be caught up before I take off. But tonight feels like a night for massive amounts of liquor and good times being a care free adult.


Just because I can, and times forgotten or that of things that we can not explain.


The Hallie song, has been on repeat for hours.... and I can't figure out why.


So much to even say and do, yet the meaning has all been brushed aside to drive my car way too fast, and stare at the corn fields waiting for the moose to come out of the depths of these woods.


I am stuck today. Between, the what was, the what is, and the what will be.


Life goals, career goals, family goals, musical goals

GOD DAMN GOALS

and anything else is going to be washed in the sauce and wrapped like a burrito .......


I miss simple

But simple is as simple

DOES


and I have never been just simple





till then.........

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18222218/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18222218/ Thu, 08 May 2008 05:34:34 PDT We Might Fall

We should go to sleep now,
you should stay the night.
I'll be up to watch the world around us live and die.
Lying on the grass now,
dancing for the stars.
Maybe one will look on down and tell us who we are.

We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall
We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall

I could join the circus,
and you could sell your hair.
I could learn to walk the line or learn to train the bears.
Tell me are you crazy,
and did you like the cold.
Tell me are you comfortable if comfortable at all.

We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall
We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall

Now that we are older,
I remember you.
Reaching out to show me all the things that I must do.

Now that we are older,
I remember youth.
Now that we are close to death and close to finding truth.

We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall
We might fall
We might fall
We might fall Hallie we might fall

Shalalala
Shalalala
Shalalala

Shalalala
Shalalala
Shalalala

We might fall.

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18190673/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18190673/ Tue, 06 May 2008 03:04:08 PDT

News flash.... it's Tuesday


Damn

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18102769/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/18102769/ Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:12:43 PDT
So this weekend is my open house! It's family drama again! wooohoo! I refused to get married with the family due to the amount of drama that has taken place just for my graduation!

GOOD GRIEF!

Long story short. My life in a nut shell. I'm hunting for a full time job that pays well enough to start to pay off my huge 22,000 loan for school. Once that is mostly paid I'll head back to school to finnish a degree.

I've learned this semester that I'm burnt out. I have two classes this summer, three from another University, so 5 courses. I might not even jump on more classes we will have to see.

I know I want to start reading the list of books I want too, and start working on my stuff instead of this COLLEGE CRAP!




We'll see..... so look for new stuff sometime more in the fall, but when I find my notebook...... maybe ?

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17995167/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17995167/ Wed, 23 Apr 2008 16:58:35 PDT
"Hello"

A simple two syllable word that is a simple a wave in word format. Life is truly beautiful. I'm down to two classes here and I will have a degree. More degrees to come, and long years ahead, but I can do anything. I've learned more than anything I could ever express from life and from college, and from the people I've met along the way. I enjoy the amount of everything I've acquired.

And I'm happy to say I'm grateful.

I'm also happy to inform you all that I will be walking in graduating next sunday the 3rd as a college graduate. However my official day of graduation and completion is August 1st just three days shy of my 22nd birthday.

I will be adventuring home to see my mother and my long lost friends. I will be celebrating my real graduation in a few weeks and my double birthday. Oh how wonderful life is.




]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17827370/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17827370/ Sun, 13 Apr 2008 07:49:18 PDT
Pete Murray - Opportunity Lyrics


And so it goes another lonely day
Your savin time but your miles away
Your fly was drownin in some bitter tea
For seeing lost opportunity

Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Your coffee's warm but your milk is sour
Life is short but your here to flower
Dream yourself along another day
Never miss opportunity

Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see [x5]

The problem isn't the road. I know both are hard. The problem goes back to the beginning where life was honestly difficult to deal with. A lot of stuff has been tossed away and forgotten. I've forgiven my mother, yet I still don't trust her fully. Yes, I might have a degree, yes I might be able to build up what little I'd have, but do I risk the amount of things I've got here? I've found new friends and colleagues here. I'm known as a responsible young adult here, vs there with my insaneness of high school. What to do what to do? I'm going to visit, I know this much as for the rest, I just don't know.


Confusion hurts. ]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17704853/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17704853/ Sat, 05 Apr 2008 19:37:03 PDT
]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17654218/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17654218/ Wed, 02 Apr 2008 15:59:38 PDT

FYI

]]> =whymebeacause http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17636727/ http://whymebeacause.deviantart.com/journal/17636727/ Tue, 01 Apr 2008 15:41:17 PDT
So you ask me right now what's the deal? Well here we go. Three long years, with long nights and long days. I've figured out a lot. I've learned a lot of things in this life. But the thing is the thing is, that the same thing spirals back to itself over and over.

Mom and Dad will not help pay for college. Dumb huh? Well for someone who has worked the hours I have and is graduating with an associates on her own loans and financial aids through waivers and loops upon loops you'd think that it wouldn't matter.

Finally just this year as both parents hear the word graduation they start to think and say, wow, she did it on her own. The thing is this girl isn't done with school. I am not satisfied with not continuing school and just having a basic associates degree in Liberal Arts. Sure some would kill for a degree like mine, but I am not done with a degree.

I know I want to be a communications Major and finnish school as a Language Arts teacher. I was so excited to get into ISU.

But reality has hit me weeks later and the realization is that I did not get into ISU because I can not go to ISU.

I can not go to ISU because I will not have the funding to get all of the tuition and room and board covered. How is this the American Dream? How is this something that you have to fight for in life? How is wanting to make a difference so hard on one person? I am so upset and confused on this that I don't even know what to say at this point.

I know my parents are not willing to scrimp and save to finnish sending me to college. My parents feel this is my responsibility, and I too feel it is, but the federal government does not feel this way. The federal government feels that parents should help decide their childs future as whatever it is they decide to be.

My father can not afford to even live in a decent house, he lives in an old store that does not even have a functioning kitchen in it. All that he has for a source of water is a bathroom. The rest of his house is a series of unsafe wires, for lighting, and sheet rock that has not been installed properly. Building codes and living standards are not something he really sees, what he sees is a simple roof over his head and a way to wash his dishes and clean himself since he does have a working bathroom.

My mother works for a University and is working on advancing future teachers and Alaskan studies and has told me all these things in getting free tuition from her University she works for. Just a few hours ago I was informed that I in-fact am not eligible, and that the classes I have currently should not have been issued in the first place. Talk about a kick to the stomach.

Here I am with the summer left to be fully graduated and the realization is that I am not going to a four year university after this, I am done with my education. How can I keep putting myself in debt? I am 22,000 in debt as it is, where do I stop my obsession for education? Where do I draw my line and walk away from the dream? As hard as this sits in my heart and in my goals. The dream is over and realization has hit home.

I have options for jobs and the likelihood of getting a decent well paid job. However, government wise I am finished with my dream until I turn 24 years of age.

I can not take classes from the University of Alaska, and after Feb. will no longer be a student at any University. I am finished.

I am at a loss of words as to what to even say to my mother for her miss understanding of the Universities practices and at the reality that the government says it is she and my father who should be footing the bill. I am at a loss for words to say to someone who works for an institution with people who are going into a profession that I so wish to be in. I am at a loss of kind relented words that really say what I want to without screaming the f bomb and telling people to go to hell.

And really to be honest I am broken hearted at the fact that imagining the dream is something that isn't true. How can someone want to be something as simple as an educator and help better communities and not have that as a resource or at their fingertips. This is something I just can't understand and is something that is really hurting my heart today.

I was going to move there and finnish school or take distance ed courses until I could get into my university on my own financial aid since my parents will not give me their fasfa information.

I hate the fact that they stand in my way for something that is so precious to me, and something so simple.

I just want a degree to work with people and achieve something.


The hardest part is forgiveness and the realization that no matter what I am who I am. I will be who I want to be eventually and that some roads are ha... ]]> =whymebeacause