http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:withdrawncataclysm&section=today deviantART RSS for by:withdrawncataclysm en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 07 Dec 2009 01:13:34 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/23892632/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/23892632/ Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:13:43 PDT
So the question remains, is this emptiness me becoming less of an atheist or just becoming more of an open minded person? It takes a pretty intrepid person to outright say, "I don't believe in a higher power" when most of the living population does. But this doesn't mean I should be an atheist out of pride, out of knowing no one can really tell me I was wrong. For some reason it seems easier to tell a religious person they're wrong than an atheist, but truly they're on the same playing field. I'm afraid that I've found some sort of safety in not believing in God, and I hope this is not the sole reason I've catered to this nihilistic part of me for oh so long.

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/16604214/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/16604214/ Sun, 27 Jan 2008 21:00:04 PST
Has anything actually fucking changed.

I know in my own head, "It's been six months, adapt! ADAPT GODDAMNIT!" but that is precisely my problem...I've never really left my own head this whole time. I'm not really here. I know where I still have been, after these enlightening and still grueling five months, but that would be inappropriate to say. The whole issue of how I'm supposed to feel right now, or even in general, has been plaguing me drastically. I'm hanging by a thread from the moment where I knew who I was, what I actually wanted, who I loved...but now it seems I have no choice but to give in to uncertainty.

But it feels like giving up. I don't want to give up. I don't want to give up on what my mind has been squeaking about for months upon months; I don't want life to have no, "Wow, it was meant to be after all." I can't stand the thought that this hasn't been my intuition, but just obsession. I've come to find that my intuition is almost never wrong, at least when it comes to issues within my own life. It could be that I haven't moved on because I refuse to, not because there's some divine force showing me the way to some objectifiable truth...I want to pull the curtain down to find the true audience staring at me, so the real cast members will get in their places; something that has to do more with emotion than procreation.

I'm not used to being honest.

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/14026781/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/14026781/ Sun, 05 Aug 2007 10:08:14 PDT
A few years later, I was put in another prison called school. My childhood seemed to be one obstacle after another. I was given the title of "gifted" but school was ridiculously hard due to my severe ADHD and other such learning disabilities that confusingly enough came along with the "giftedness". I was always considered one of the more intelligent children in my classes, so my struggles in school were seen as an "attitude problem". It also didn't help that I had extreme emotional problems now being diagnosed as bipolar disorder, when most six year olds were mostly concerned with being able to play the mother during house.

Even with the doctor's visits, the perscriptions and the IEP meetings, teachers still felt dismayed at me and my so called, "wasted potential" and people in general were still confused by my behavior. All this help seemed pointless at times, but eventually these things enabled me to live my life functionally, something I have not always been gifted with.

Now I'm going off to college, and I know it will be a completely different experience. I've always lived in a small town where I've never felt fully free to express myself, or even be myself, so hopefully my new location will help me grow the way I've never been able to before with such tight walls, ludicrous standards and restrictions held by those I will no longer be enslaved to.

But then there is my leering fear...That while in college, I will fall into an uncontrollable mental breakdown like I've done in the past. Maybe I'll be so happy that it won't happen, but then again, even the idea of happiness is something I'm still getting used to.

I hope this is a hole I can no longer fall into.

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/12521114/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/12521114/ Mon, 09 Apr 2007 07:28:09 PDT
He is physically abusive.

I couldn't admit it to myself for the longest time, I wanted to feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing. I knew he was emotionally abusive, but truly, that didn't make me want to leave. I feel that most of my life has been a continuum of emotional abuse, so why exclude only one piece of the puzzle?

But this is too much.

He used to only do it when we were alone, and when we were still dating. I was at a party, saw him there, did not address him. He interrupted me talking to everyone else and shouted accross the room for me to come talk to him in the kitchen. I was hesitant, and didn't come right away. He initiated the communication. He kept calling me a bitch, and was about to walk away when I took hold of his wrist because I was sick of him walking away from things he started.

That's when he lost it.

Right there, one room away from all of our friends. I knew he was fucking crazy, but I was able to tolerate a lot before this point.

It's a strange feeling when someone disrespects you so much that they're willing to physically degrade you in public.

I'm leaving for college in September.

September couldn't come soon enough.

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/12359438/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/12359438/ Wed, 28 Mar 2007 06:59:32 PDT
I got accepted into Evergreen State, and I shall be going to college in Washington in Late August.

Now the thing that almost ruined some of the best news of my life...

Justin tried to stab me. Big surprise, huh? Psycho boyfriend who has ruined the last year of my life, wait, make that over a year of my life, tried to stick a blade into me. Even though I was the one almost getting stabbed, he told me he didn't love me anymore and to get out, when fifteen minutes prior he was happy to see me and was holding me. Two days earlier he had been talking about us getting married and having kids. He's on disability for mental illness but even me who is a forgiving bleeding heart and an aspiring psychologist cannot take it anymore. He has made every moment of the last thirteen months a living hell, and my attachment problems and my inability to let go have left me swimming in the river styx. I got the last of my stuff from his apartment yesteday, and I could tell he wanted to talk or hug like the indecisive bastard he is, but I didn't even look him in the face. I know that me not saying a single word to him hurt him even more than if I had screamed at him and thrown punches. He's a drama queen and an attention whore, so I know it killed him inside. He's used to me crying at his feet and leaving all my dignity to fall to the ground, so my nonchalante apathy is a new thing for him. It's like I had moved to a new level above either the crying or screaming, something much worse. Silence. Silence is filled with such pure disgust and obscene betrayal that the person is not even worth the negative attention. It is like completely giving up on the person, like the things you used to love them to reassure you with don't even matter anymore. They have gone so far that those things can't even comfort you anymore. In a long quest to know if he really loves me, I suddenly feel that I just completely don't care anymore. The thought of him being with someone else used to kill me inside, but now the thought of still being with him kills me worse. I feel kind of free inside, but mostly degraded. I used to tell him I wished I had never met him, but now I actually mean it. It would have been better to be alone than to be so belittled and with my face shoved in the dirt on a regular basis. This is the first time I've really loved someone, and I don't think I'll ever recover.

I'm now so afraid of love that I may run at the sight of roses.

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/11734527/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/11734527/ Thu, 08 Feb 2007 12:20:16 PST
uggh.

somebody help me, please.

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/11680021/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/11680021/ Sun, 04 Feb 2007 06:02:20 PST
]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/10714691/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/10714691/ Mon, 13 Nov 2006 17:08:53 PST
we had a fight and i stormed out.

he swallowed down a bottle of aspirin, a bottle of bacardi 151 and slit his wrists.

he called his mom to say sorry.

she sent the paramedics to his apartment.

now he's in the nuthouse, and i was the last person he saw before he did it.

(it's alright, my life has never been a bed of roses)

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/10453038/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/10453038/ Fri, 20 Oct 2006 07:05:47 PDT as long
as you're not on a
pursuit of truth.)

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/10218373/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/10218373/ Thu, 28 Sep 2006 18:10:00 PDT
"Love is suicide."
But I will not stop loving, even though it has nearly killed me.

"Suicide is painless."
But I refuse to give up. I've gone through too much fucked up shit to let any more of it be the last straw.

"This pain is endless."
But in fighting it, beauty manifests in many forms.

I apologize, I needed corniness for a moment. I just wanted to explain why I'm still here.

Take what you want from it.

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/9441112/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/9441112/ Thu, 20 Jul 2006 19:22:36 PDT I am no longer in love with "The" scumbag. (I know he doesn't even deserve an official title, but oh well.)
I am getting over him at a rapid rate...and then after that all I have to worry about is the excessive emotional baggage, scars from verbal abuse, and my destroyed sexuality.
I would have been better off recovering from a car crash.
The relationship was only half a year...How could it have done all this infinate damage.
Maybe it wasn't a good idea to date an alcoholic guy who was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder who also had committment problems.
Didn't see that coming.
I don't know if the worst part was that he never owned up to anything he did...
Or that in his own mind it was never his own fault...
Or that he seemed to have too much of an interest in other girls' mouths and vaginas...
Or that he constantly broke up with me (for no reason)...
Or that it was always my fault when we broke up...
Or that he was always the one to suggest that we get back together...
Or that he told his friends that I was the best girlfriend he ever had...
Or that in the end he acted like we had nothing after he had been telling me that he didn't want to lose me, that he needed me and that he wanted to grow old with me...

Or that he said he loved me.
Or that I believed it. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/8185106/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/8185106/ Fri, 17 Mar 2006 05:35:31 PST
I applied and got in.

I got into the creative writing workshop at Kenyon that I wanted to be in called, "Kenyon Reviews' Young Writer's Workshop."

Only 25% of the people who applied got in.

And they're giving me a $500 scholarship.

I don't know whether to fall flat on my face or to cry tears of joy.

I think I'll do both. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/7104630/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/7104630/ Mon, 21 Nov 2005 11:32:35 PST ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6988564/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6988564/ Tue, 08 Nov 2005 08:27:20 PST
That is the first bit of artistic recognition that I have gotten this year. Last year I got some artistic recognition when two of my poems got put into Vedette, the school's literary magazine, and I was in one of the plays. Yet this year, art has made me feel shunned. I did not get picked as an editor for Vedette and I was not put into the musical. Yes, I cannot let anything go, and I make a big deal of things.

But goddamnit. To be shunned by some of the only things that keep you from putting a gun to your head.

There is no denying that he loves her, and therefore, there is no way to save me. I am trapped.

Did my friendship mean nothing to her? Did all of our experiences and intimate moments amount to dust? How could she just leave me on the doorstep of an empty house?

Love can be either the bow or the arrow. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6844164/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6844164/ Sun, 23 Oct 2005 10:07:21 PDT
"Untruthfully Free"

"Apology"

"Bread Crumbs"

"Grief Needs No Introduction"

"Candidate For Abandonement"

"Moral Fiber"

"The Red Ribbon"

If there is a particular poem that you want to suggest that I consider, that isn't already on this list, that would be very helpful.

Thanks to all of you. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6402966/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6402966/ Sat, 03 Sep 2005 06:37:47 PDT
You know, the usual.

He was my number one, and I was his, for so long, but I just pushed him aside. Seeing him in the hallway just makes me feel ashamed of how I hesitated, no, turned away for such an unbelievable amount of time. He looked me in the eye and told me how he felt directly many times, but I acted as though his eyes didn't compel me, I acted as though it meant nothing to me. But I am certain that he knew the truth.

I don't know if it was out of cowardice, or out of masochism, or anything of that manner. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

But fate isn't the loveliest idea when you have gypped yourself of what you needed more than what you gave the attention to.

Love is a tourniquet, forcing you to bleed and once it's gone you're left with the mess and you're a little less than what you were before. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6221901/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6221901/ Sun, 14 Aug 2005 03:48:56 PDT
I subscribe to TIME magazine (my interest in politics doesn't really make sense since I used to consider myself an anarchist)and I came accross something that appalls me. W is trying to get creationism back into science classrooms by disguising it behind the term, "Intelligent Design." which simply execrates the word intelligent. Why am I upset?

-Darwin was a scientist and a philosopher...George W. Bush however, is not.

-The fact that some teachers now have to say how evolution is "just a theory" before they pass out their textbooks is simply disgusting and ridiculous. Isn't creationism also a theory? Evolution is supported by evidence and scientific facts that match up, creationism is just one big fairy tale that turned out to be believed by alot of people.

-If we let Christianity take over science classrooms, how far is this going to go? In art classes, assignments to draw pictures of Jesus, english classes with stories from the bible, social studies classrooms only speaking of christian icons and no one else?

-If there is going to be such a huge array of christianity in schools, there should strictly be embracings of other religions from around the world also. Just because christians are the majority doesn't mean they get to be in charge.

-Religion should have almost nothing to do with education, except in classes such as comparative religion and social studies, where the religions are explained, not practiced.

-What is this about people thinking that science has taken a step back? Why are such advances as cloning considered declines in our society? It's the christianity in schools that's a step back, that's old fashioned, keeping us from progession.

-Yes, the Darwin theory has some holes, but the creationism theory is one big hole. In creationism, nothing is truly explained, the reason people have to have "faith" is because there's nothing that could back it up, it's all stories. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6200548/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6200548/ Thu, 11 Aug 2005 17:51:00 PDT
It had to be declared.

Amsterdam was the bee's knees, staying in a hotel in the middle of one of the red light districts, smelling weed everywhere, getting hit on by creepy but amusingly determined penis creatures and seeing a gay pride parade that could sabotage homophobia as we know it if it was to be seen by all.

Holland was so liberal that it has given me a temporary immunity to the conservatism of Ohio, which won't last long but any bit helps.

Lucifer is so talented and graceful.

I have come to a revelation...Instead of hating Americans, I can use my time spent in America being reminded of their stupidity to remind myself of how I don't want to be that way. Instead of wasting my energy by hating the blindly patriotic hicks, they will be useful to me in my comfort of knowing that I'm not like them.

The energy I have saved with this will be contributed to quite bad dancing and yet more Mrs. Hren(-Monster) impressions. And yes, I know that these things are not high in demand.

I want to send my sympathy to my good friend Charity Schounaer, and I want her to know that we love her, and we will be trying to comfort her the best we can. <3 ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6075391/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/6075391/ Sat, 30 Jul 2005 07:50:42 PDT
I'll be back in around ten days. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5778595/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5778595/ Tue, 28 Jun 2005 05:40:37 PDT Wow.
I went to comfest and watched the Gay Pride Parade, and it was just drag queens and hippies galore. During the parade, I felt so empowered that when a float went by emitting bubbles, I went to the middle of the street to dance among the bubbles. Drag queens, gay men calling themselves "honorary divas", topless women...Euphoria has known no greater definition. There was an art exhibit, which actually had an impact on me, it was actually pretty political and not just shitty modern art like I always expect more recent art to be, and I'm usually not guessing wrong. Eric, Elyse and I went to an adult store, and the people there believed us that we were eighteen, which was the best part of the whole thing. I was so happy from the atmosphere of varieties of dildos, barely legal and trailer trash porno mags and the wide selection of lubricants. I was like a little kid in a sexually explicit candy shop. The leather strap-on harnesses would have been great to put on your doorknob through the dildo holder..Going through there, I could only imagine how much ejaculatory fluid would be collected from all these products altogether once they were all bought. There was even an underwear set where women could dress up as a firefighter! Nothing sexier than a woman getting third degree burns. Then there were plastic, fake clits men could wear. I've never seen such a world of possibilities since before Bush became president. We left the adult shop, since I finally realized that there was a world outside ass-plug dildos and "Women over 50" porn, and we walked to Eric's car in the pouring rain. We were so wet and cold that we all decided to take our clothes off and keep our skivies in the back seat of the car, so we were naked all the way from Columbus back to Mt Vernon. Somehow, it made me think of things that I would have thought of before..The world has its natural, true state, like humans do when they're naked, but then like humans wear clothes, the world has its artificial qualities and how horrible the people on this earth can be. But that's not really the world, those are just atrocities covering the world, pretending to be part of the world. Maybe if we can look past the bullshit of the world, maybe then we can see it in its true state. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5727108/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5727108/ Wed, 22 Jun 2005 19:59:51 PDT
We had a guest at the Gay Straight Alliance meeting yesterday..A minister. I didn't see how he was supposed to make us feel better, or explain anything to us, but I do think it was brave of him to come to a meeting of Christianity-haters. Nothing was really accomplished with him being there, he just ended up tremendously depressed by the end of the meeting. No one else seemed to want to talk to him so I was one of the only people asking him questions or really saying anything. Yet whenever I asked him a question, his answers either had nothing to do with what I asked or he didn't know what to say. I didn't think my questions were all that intellectually stimulating, but people either sat there and didn't say anything or they responded as though that idea or concept was completely new to them. I guess we're all just lost souls who don't even know how to begin.

After the Gay Straight Alliance meeting, we all went dancing in the fountain on the square. I felt so free, so released. Everyone was stealing pennies off the bottom, so I say to Elyse, "Those are people's wishes! You can't steal those!" and Elyse replies, "I'll grant them!" A cop even went by and didn't say a thing to us, just drove on. Bliss has no name, belongs to nothing, only transitions to spark genuine smiles.

]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5695688/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5695688/ Sun, 19 Jun 2005 14:57:33 PDT
Warped tour really stirred some things in my mind.

Eric drove Elyse, Danielle and I there an hour early, but the line was still uber long, but we survived. I always seem to survive somehow.

Don't get me wrong, I had a great time, but I have the ability to be having a good time but still feel like shit inside. It's like my emotions are a volcano, the emotions I show are like the outside of the volcano pretty calm, normal and well-adjusted, my true, inner emotions being the lava lurking in secret. But once something completely drives me up the wall, and I can't enclose the truth anymore, the lava erupts, and my fitful rages and hostile confessions completely destroy everything I had led people to believe I was, as lava destroys land. The sunny demeanor, the sometimes carefree behaviour...It all comes down, once people are let in on what really bubbles beneathe the surface.

Danielle didn't hang out with us the whole time, so it was basically Elyse, Eric and I, which was nice because I always have a good time with them, and their kind nature enables me to let my guard down a bit, well, as much as I'm able to around most people. Elyse and I went up to a guy wearing a skirt and told him that he looked so hot in the skirt that we had to shake his hand, Eric got covered in powdered sugar, we met this pretty sweet band "Mourning Maxwell" and a few other bands...It was all great, I just wish I could have felt better during the whole thing. I didn't take my medications pretty much the whole day, so that may have contributed to my feeling lower than usual.

Something that bothered me was how everybody was dressed the same..The typical converse shoes, pyramid belt kind of thing..I'm sure that all these people were some of the only people in their school that dressed that way, but collectively when they all come together, they're just like a clan. The small amount of people dressed that way at their school, may have made them seem like nonconformists, but there's no such thing as nonconformity, just different types of conformity. I don't see why it depresses me, since there's really hardly anyone who does something more than vaguely different from the people they hang out with, there's nothing above conformity, nobody who truly escapes its grasps. It's just the way the world works, and even if you think you're different, and that you're the most unique person in the world, there's gonna be someone accross the world who's almost exactly like you. Different is just a variation and comparison.

And when some people were rocking out, it suddenly became, who can be the most aggressive, it wasn't about enjoying yourself. It was some lame way of showing perfect strangers what you could do, a way to build up the testosterone. Maybe it was just me, but alot of it just seemed very fictitious to me.

And now I'm even more sure, that even if things are positively awesome around me, I will still find something negative about it, still feel jealous of everyone, still be judgemental of everyone in my head but pretend that I'm not.

Rock and Roll has died, been buried, been dug up and then had many unneccessary autopies that people don't seem to want to stop conducting. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5599063/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5599063/ Thu, 09 Jun 2005 12:41:49 PDT
The air in Wal-Mart is contaminated with polysaturated fats, making us addicted to its oxygen, always making us come back even though we hate its mainstream merchandise and how its killing individual businesses. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5331162/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5331162/ Wed, 11 May 2005 15:55:22 PDT
By Edwina Finefrock.

"I swear, I just stopped at the stop sign, whistled at it and shouted a few remarks that would be considered sexual harrassment, but it wasn't enough to make a stop there for the 4.6 hours that police want you to stop to qualify for a bonafide stop at a stop sign, so they chased me down for that, but I swear to god, someone framed me! I never laid a finger on that stop sign! Or any excrement, bit of my genitalia or sticky fritos."-Edwina Finefrock

I went to the court house to see what they were going to slap my wrist with for doing a rolling stop, and I was quite relieved that I didn't even get a fine. I just have to go to this weekend thing in the summer that supposedly teaches "how to be a better driver" as if I wasn't enough of a granny driver already. My mom was like, "Hey, it'll be like safety town again! Remember how much you enjoyed safety town when you were little??""Yes, except this time I won't be in first grade and I will be with juvenile delinquents. I really doubt the graham crackers will be as rad, either." Twas a bit strange, since the judge was Bens' dad, and after saying Meeting adjourned, he turns to me and says, "...and you can breathe now." I guess he noticed my nervousness, my spine so straight that it was as if it was pointing a gun at god. I was kind of upset that they counted it as my first moving citation, so that if I even slip up in the eensy-teensiest way in the future, I will get my license taken away for three months. Those stop signs know how to defend themselves.

Strange how Barnes & Noble and Starbucks are so popular in America. Books for an anti-intellectualism, illiterate culture and caffeine drinks for people who do activities that require no energy or movement. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5241450/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5241450/ Sun, 01 May 2005 19:29:31 PDT
But it was fucking worth it. I've never felt so good about what I was doing. This has play has done more for me than any self-destructive activity ever could. This has quenched every need I've had for the last few years. I've been feeling so empty lately, but now I feel that others have filled me with bouquets and words of praise, and I will not be crying in a corner for quite some time.

Everybody liked the show and Mr. Turner, whose been working with theatre for thirty years, said it was the best highschool performance he'd ever seen. After the play on Friday, I went to pizza hut with Deanna and Danielle, and even though I had been ecstatic throughout the whole play, as soon as I had gotten to pizza hut I was being hostile, about to scream at people for absolutely nothing and had this urge to cry the whole time. I left almost immediately after we got there, knowing that if I stayed I would do some insanely stupid or wreckless. I got home and found out that my grandfather had died. He had actually died Tuesday, but they didn't want to upset me before the play, so they didn't tell me until they absolutely had to, the night before the funeral. I went to the funeral and realized that everyone on my dads side has blue eyes. I also realized that my cousin Jessica and I have quite a few things in common, that we're both the same height, both clumsy and such things. But it was mostly a sad day, a day when no wind chimes chimed and not even the pastor at the funeral felt like converting people. Even my extroadinarily warm and passionate Aunt Maggie could make people feel better. When the regrettably inevitable happens, there are no carpenters beneathe your skin making your words as they usually do, and even if they're able to scrape up something for you, they're so badly made that the words leave splinters in your esophagus, or get caught in your esophagus, leaving you with nothing even after all the effort. So we were all just a bunch of coffins ourselves. Time had mugged us, and in an attempt to be graceful we became nothing. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5177064/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5177064/ Sun, 24 Apr 2005 14:13:43 PDT
I did not run over a pedestrian. I did not crash into another car. I was not exercising prostitution on the square.

I got a ticket for a rolling stop.

I remember stopping, but I had been coming down a hill and it was rainy and slippery, so that must have made it look like I was sliding more than stopping. The guy pulled me over and was acting as if I had been dissecting an infant in the middle of the road. I hate dealing with police, they callous themselves so that they're always prepared for any hostility that comes at them, so they're always pissed off assholes, even when dealing with well-mannered little girls who had no intention of exploiting a stop sign. That's why I hate dealing with them, no matter how kind you are to them, you're like a child molester in their mind from the start to finish. I was crying since I always cry, it's an immediate reaction for me. He gave me the ticket, and my mom said that the reason he didn't just give me a warning was because I'm a teenager, and the police are especially wary of teenage drivers, and expect us to be perfect, even though we're just starting out. Senior citizens get in more car accidents than teenagers, but I guess it's easier to be fucked towards teenagers since we aren't able to stand up to the authority figures. What they say goes because we're children. But since it's my first ticket and it's such a minor offense, I know they can't do more than give me a slap on the wrist. If they do more than that, then knox county really needs to practice a little more of their dominatrix tendencies on their significant other in their home to relieve them of their need for power.

Danielle and I went to the Choe funeral, and for a while I was able to ignore the things that anger me to commemorate the family, such as the raw christianity of it all and how alot of people were giving Danielle and I funny looks. I knew that concentrating on how I felt would be petty and selfish when this was something so much bigger than me. The love everyone had for these people was so powerful that even I was able to look past my anger, knowing that I had to be a member of this world for a few moments and not just myself. The people who spoke had wonderful things to say, and it was so beautiful when one of them weren't able to speak out of being overwhelmed by it all. How such intense emotions can evaporate words, making silence the safe haven in which for our emotions to swirl around in peace, moments when we can all can connect in more sincere ways than effort can bring.

But near the end of the funeral, it started being more about christianity than the Choe family. The preachers final speaking consisted of two seconds of talk about the Choe family, and the rest was about how happy you could be by accepting Jesus into your heart. He knew there would be people who weren't christian at the funeral, so he took advantage of the Choe family in trying to convert people during their funeral. He showed us a ridiculous image of Jesus knocking on someones door, and he said, "Can you hear him knocking? Knock knock!" and I was just thinking, "Oh god, get everybody into the bomb shelter!" He had us close our eyes and he said, "Open your heart to Jesus!" and I felt a shiver go throughout my body, and this horrendous fear like I was not safe. It wasn't even a feeling, it felt more like some type of warning. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5092391/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5092391/ Fri, 15 Apr 2005 03:49:11 PDT
Not that I enjoy being home so much, but play rehearsal has been taking up alot of my time. Then, forgetting that I need even a moments worth of rest, I get inspired to fufill activities outside of the home to celebrate getting out of rehearsal. So I have grown to miss sitting around, doing away with my days as carelessly as though they were bubble wrap. I've been trying to keep myself busy, because I find that most of my bitter thoughts blossom when I'm alone, and that most of my inadequate feelings occur when I'm not being productive. So I end up running into bed at the end of the day, exhausted and saying to myself, "Well..I feel good about myself..because I didn't have time to analyze myself..and I don't have more reasons to hate the world..because I didn't have time to be so pissed off at the things I had noticed.." But I don't know if I want to live cramming my life with activities just so I can block out the torturous thoughts that sneak up on my mind.

Come see me attempt to act in my play, it's called "To See The Stars" and opening night is Thursday, April 28th, in the the high school theatre. It's showing April 29th and April 30th, in case you just have to see it again and again or else you get kidnapped by a rabid iguana two nights out of the three.

The only of my neighbors that I actually like are having a baby and I'm going to the baby shower saturday. I'm going to write a poem for the baby about how depressing the world is, but to not give up every ounce of hope..though that is what I did, oh what a hypocrite I keep proving to be. I don't think someone coming into this world needs a welcome from someone such as me. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5049250/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5049250/ Sun, 10 Apr 2005 07:41:47 PDT ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5027281/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5027281/ Thu, 07 Apr 2005 16:42:45 PDT ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5000617/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/5000617/ Mon, 04 Apr 2005 18:15:04 PDT
I'm not allowed to have people in my car, which is supposed to mean NEVER, but I only allow the rule to be exercised when I'm within 50 feet of my parents. I've been having people in my car since I've had my license, which they haven't caught me for yet, so I'm good with being everybodys taxi until my parents get a chemistry set and figure it out. I really don't care about giving people rides, it's practically risk-free because my parents rarely get out of the house, and they're going to stop enforcing the rule soon anyway, so you all can lodge those scooters back into your closets.

But today was a bit different. I went to go pick Tara up from her house in Apple Valley because we were going to Ashleys party, and driving out of Apple Valley, my car drives right past my moms car, with her and my dad in it. I almost go into cardiac arrest, trying to think of alibis, freaking out and worrying as I usually do. Thinking, "Great, now I'm going to be grounded, I am not going to be able to drive my car and they're probably going to extend the "nobody in your car" rule to an even longer period of time."

I get home and they don't say a word about it. They acted completely normal. So either they're so spacy that they didn't see their own daughter right before their eyes, or else it wasn't them. I'm pretty sure it was them, but it may have been my fear working as a placebo, making any car that remotely looked like my moms become the splitting image of it, making me see my moms head behind the steering wheel.

But if they just missed me, I'm either really lucky or someone who should not pass on their genetics.

At Ashleys party, everyone else bowled and Tara and I stood around, making use of the food supply. Tara, John and I went to my car for a quick smoke, and I decided not to be quitting anymore. That first huff of nicotine was relief and an orgasm at the same time. I promise to never be so fickle towards my cancer sticks again... ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4977215/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4977215/ Sat, 02 Apr 2005 07:20:33 PST
Humans don't realize how easy it is for them to completely express disapproval of someone without even considering the circumstances or really thinking about the situation the person is in and why they must be doing these things.

Launching insults from their tongues comes with such ease that it is almost tedious to them.

It seems to me that people think that other beings are defined by what they've done. Slight glitches in the details can save a person from being persecuted, or maybe the person who is being saved was only spared because it wasn't their turn to go under the guillotine.

A group of people focusing their hatred at one person at a time makes things less chaotic and more organized.

And leaves the current victim craving to take their revenge out on whoever everyone else torments next. Leaving them all bitter towards eachother by the time the cycle has circulated a few times.

It's just human nature. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4958339/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4958339/ Thu, 31 Mar 2005 05:31:46 PST
1.The idea of calling certain people fake and some aren't is preposterous since everyone is fake. Some people may be more fake than others, but what's the need for measuring cups.

2.Calling someone a poseur isn't going to encourage them to be themselves, it's going to cause them to further their effort to be something other people approve of.

3. If someone is trying not to be a poseur, they're being fake by doing so. Your true personality is the one you don't have to try at to be.

4. Calling someone a poseur is just enforcing more rules into the system, which is a bit ironic since the whole "punk" idea was an idea having to do with freedom and as little rules as possible, but this is the style people who call others poseurs most sport.

5. People always want to point out other people doing things they themselves wish they could let themselves do, so people who call others poseurs are just people who are pissed off because they try so much to be hardcore but here is this kid getting away with not having to worry about wearing just the right clothes or listening to just the right music. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4950264/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4950264/ Wed, 30 Mar 2005 07:47:45 PST
I left the nursing home knowing that ageless things never really experience life. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4907555/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4907555/ Fri, 25 Mar 2005 08:46:00 PST
So I guess I'm just trying to outdo myself.

I'm sick of assholes showing me their high academic scores and bragging how they didn't even study, which is probably bravado bullshit to begin with. People seem to either want sympathy or praise, such extremes to how people beg for love. I just don't want to distribute love anymore, people just seem to shove it in their pocket and let it go through the wash.

Like a clock that always says it's ten minutes earlier than it really is, he tells people that they're worse than they really are.

She makes me feel rejected and unneeded.

They're all just chasing bubbles that popped long ago.

I think about you and realize this pain isn't emptiness, because there was nothing given by you to be there to begin with. I was the sheets in your bed, your ashtray and your ziplock bag for when boxes were too much of a hassle. I needed so much from you and I just now realized that you were not the person to go to. And now I'm left, your used condom on the sidewalk, learning that the worse tool anyone could use on me is apathy. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4874385/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4874385/ Mon, 21 Mar 2005 16:46:54 PST
Someone kill me.

What a nice little outing, that in its loveliness should make feel grateful for having such good friends, that should make me feel tickled pink from such fun, and that should make me believe in God again from how good things are now.

But I still feel the same inside. From this wonderful thing, I just felt so horrendously jelous of everyone, so inadequate and so unwanted. I am a greenhouse where, despite the radiant sun shining through me, my flowers are wilting and dying. The sun wonders what the fuck it's doing wrong. But it's not doing anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong.

I'm just fenced in by this inability to feel alright. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4854303/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4854303/ Sat, 19 Mar 2005 12:47:11 PST
My ability to raise hell has increased by 63%.

Freedom is contained inside this small card.

This organ donor is permitted to ride a magic carpet and make it her vessel of salvation.

I raped that maneuvarability course.

I hope it aches for days. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4854289/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4854289/ Sat, 19 Mar 2005 12:45:48 PST
Two days until I get my license.

Today Chris and I were walking home afterschool and we found someones wallet in a ditch. Chris is going to try to reach the person who owns the wallet, but I was just glad that we found the wallet because it was so fun imagining the scenarios of how the wallet got there. Did he hallucinate that his wallet was a hot fire poker and then frantically threw it out the window? Was his girlfriend driving and then decided to throw his wallet out the window in protest of his ass looking so ooky with it in his back pocket? Did he think there was a Persian rug in that ditch and wanted to see if his wallet would take up 1/24th of the Persian rug or 1/16th of the Persian rug? The possibilities are endless and very appetizing. I was amazed by how the little things in the guys' wallet said so much about him, and how these little pieces of paper that became so mundane and typical in his life to him but were so fascinating to me. I became a Palientologist for his dinosaur bones. He just overlooked these things about himself because he was so used to them, but these little things kept the usually unimpressed me captivated. He is a thorough novel that is trying to sum himself up in a leather wallet. We all try to love eachother by cutting eachother up into small pieces, but when did a knife become our God? What about me do I not even notice anymore that other people think are the loveliest things.

Such beauty in the parts of ourselves that we wear down from such awareness of them. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4820907/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4820907/ Tue, 15 Mar 2005 15:04:38 PST ~withdrawncataclysm http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4802370/ http://withdrawncataclysm.deviantart.com/journal/4802370/ Sun, 13 Mar 2005 13:22:27 PST
I enjoyed the 1950s theme, seeing all the multiple Fonzeys walking around and being able to do the twist. My legs were neurotic under my skirt as I did my lame dance moves, not seriously trying to dance. Fuck life before it fucks you...Slow dance songs came on, making me bitterly remember middle school, but I ended slow dancing with Zach, Eric and Ryan, trying not to feel to bad that Brady wasn't there. He was too busy to come, and maybe it was for the better, because I know he would've hated being there. The last thing he needs is to have to see Chapman again and watch girls booty dance while singing along to country...The music was sadly 99.8% country, but the saddest part was that most of the people there enjoyed it. It's so strange how all well-known country songs are over ten years old, it's like they can't make any new songs.. The karaoke performances were frightful, making me want to eliminate every existing microphone. Being a girl somehow allows you to grind up on other girls..I guess they just feel more violated if a guy does it. They suspect that I'm just another harmless XY chromosome...

And now for a week of standardized tests that will be used to sum up our entire being. ]]> ~withdrawncataclysm