http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:xNowOrNever&section=today deviantART RSS for by:xNowOrNever en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sun, 06 Dec 2009 12:19:57 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/28416718/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/28416718/ Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:32:27 PST
Anyway, hi there. How are you? It's been a while, I know. There's been a lot of things. I suppose a relevant thing to previous entires is that I have a lovely little boyfriend. Little because he's short, and little because he's 16. (I am now 18, woohoo!) He's also very wonderful in that he's always there. I text him in the middle of the night and he gets up, steals his brother's phone and texts me back. I call him and say I've left my English lesson and I'm coming to visit and he puts down his paintbrush (Warhammer. Ew.) and lets me in. He'll sit and give me a cuddle when I ask him to or he'll jump about like a div. He's very there, and that's good. We've been together about 6 weeks now, it's nice

College is alright, if not a bit stressful. There are a couple of people who are just happy and keep me alright. (One of which is the whiny ex from April, believe it or not. We're both over that now ) There's my lovely Lucy who makes me giggle and takes me shopping and lets me dye her hair and be ever so girly with. There's Ayesha who gives me five minutes, then follows me to entice me out of my toilet cubicle and give me a hug. There's Eleanor who understands all about my Photography fetish and that lovely noise a real camera makes. There's Nathen with his cynical yet still loveable sense of humour who will never be the bad guy, even if he tried. Then, of course, there's my Grant with his little legs and big heart (oo cliche much) and very comfy bed. There's Mark too, the goth with the Lady GaGa obsession, and a very select few others. These people are on the 'make Emily better' wagon and they can't possibly realise how much I love each and every one of them for it.

There's this bit that I've sort of been avoiding because I don't really know how to put it. I guess I'll go the 'formal' way so I don't need to talk about it again. The day after my birthday, 15th October, at about 1/4 to 10 at night, my mum passed away to Cancer. It was peaceful enough and she had all of her most loved around her. Livvie was hysterical so I was more concerned with calming her down but then a nurse took her to a quiet room and I completely lost it. I won't go into it though. We went to see her the next day and she looked exactly like she did when she was asleep, except her hands were wrong; someone had sat them like a doll's. She had her brand new silky pyjamas on and her hair was how she liked it, and then I left. The funeral was perfect for her- the coffin had a field of daffodils printed on the side- and absolutely everyone she knew was there, including the horrible neighbours who always bitched about our dog.

I don't know if I should cry now or not. It's odd, there are times for crying and times for not. I can't really explain it. If you've ever lost someone close, maybe you know what I mean. Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

It's hard. It's very hard. I got put in for counselling this morning.. I sent off my UCAS application too. I don't know. Life's going on, just very differently.

Now is, apparently, a time for crying. It's so strange not having her around, you know? It'll sink in properly one day and I'll pobably spend a week in bed, but then life will go back to how it should be, just with one person missing. And then we'll live our lives without her. It's very, very strange.

That's about it, I suppose. Until I wander this way again


XX

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/26707436/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/26707436/ Thu, 20 Aug 2009 06:43:26 PDT
Well, I am giving up. I have given up. If he really wanted me, he'd be coming to the party, wouldn't he? Because we always spend parties together, always end up sharing a bed, cuddled up somewhere. Always end up maybe nearly kissing, or getting into a conversation that could perhaps lead somewhere. He knows how I feel, enough people have told him about it. That and it's blatantly obvious. He just can't return the feeling, I guess. So it's time for me to just give up and move on.

The giving up part is fine. It's the moving on that worries me. There's no one else. He's been there for nearly 4 months now, anyone else has been overshadowed and gone. I'm relying heavily on the new students next year, but I was also relying on a holiday fling and that never happened. So maybe I'm just not supposed to have someone. Maybe it's been written in the stars that I am destined to get through life alone. Maybe it's setting me up for the inevitable.

It could even be Dave, just sitting there and poking fun at me for disturbing his minion parade. Bastard.

(Almost forgot! As Results: Photography A, Language B and Literaure A. Go mee!)

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/26225595/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/26225595/ Tue, 28 Jul 2009 04:06:26 PDT
I actually cried. God, that fucking hurt. I’m not a bad person, I don’t deserve to be treated like that. Get some fucking respect, boy.

On the other hand, I'm glad he's got a bit of happiness. (This is a different person, not that unworthy fucker.) God knows someone deserves it.

After all that, I'll probably stay exactly the same with him. I won't text him all the time, I won't make an effort to talk to him, but when he says hi I'll still get into useless chats until 2am about nothing in particular. He's a good friend to have around and I need that right now.

I have to go tidy some shit and let Alex Gaskarth sing me into normality before work now. Buhbye.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24981496/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24981496/ Wed, 27 May 2009 15:01:48 PDT
Thank you.

Be careful with me, I'm fragile.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24959110/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24959110/ Tue, 26 May 2009 11:15:14 PDT Dear boy,

Hi there, how're you? Having a good day? Good, good... Now, go away and stop reading my journals please, you know it only leads to bad things! It's for both of our own good.

Love,
Emily

Hi there.

My exams are finished. I have a job so I have money, which is nice. I have no boyfriend but that's alright, it'll do for now. You'll be pleased to hear that I'm over him now. When he's mean to me and when he makes nasty comments at me and when I tell him my mum's terminal and he just says 'oh well, you knew it was coming', it just hurts that he thinks he can talk to me like that, not because I feel horribly hard-done-by that he hates me and it's awful and I don't think I can look at him anymore without crying. He just makes me angry now. When he's doing that to me anyway; otherwise he's just a good friend... In a strange, twisted way.

Nathen is doing my face in. We broke up a month ago and he's still in my face with his tempremental 'I love you!' 'I just want to be friends!' 'omg u didn't talk 2 me on msn for 3.7 seconds are u mad at me and did i do something and will you take me back pls?'. He's making me very cross and I'm finding it very difficult to keep my patience with him. What's worse is that I like someone who happens to be a good friend of Nathen, which means there is absolutely nothing I can do about it because Nathen has made it quite clear that he's not getting over me any time soon and anyone who gets in his way of pining is committing a terrible sin. So, apparently, I can't move on with my life until he moves on with his, which could be never. (Or maybe just a while from now.) I was over him before the relationship even ended, which is making it even more difficult for me to wait.

There was a party last night, and aforementioned boy was there and almost as drunk as me. He kissed me. He shouldn't have done, he's supposed to be Nathen's 'rock', if you like, but he did. I don't know why. He's shown no signs of liking me before and no more signs this morning. Maybe I'm just obvious and he was drunk and desperate. That's usually the way. But he's a lonely, broken boy and I just can't resist it. He picks on me almost as much as the last one but my God he's a lovely kisser. The friends I've told seem to think it was a bad thing and still say I'm the bad guy. No one's happy for me anymore. I even had one lecturing me about who I should stay friends with, with an added 'I know you're going through a hard time right now, but...' No, there is no but. I'm going through a hard time. Life's difficult, give me some slack. I need some affection and I need to think at least someone cares about me because they care about me, not me with them or themselves disguised as me.

Do you care? Do you know? Am I just a game or is it real? Do I have a hope? ...It was like this with him. Oh dear.

I saw Cobra Starship last week and there were OH MY GABE AMAZING. Just so you know. I also have my first ever driving lesson booked for Friday morning. I'm not nervous yet, just excited! I'm then going to see Coraline and staying at my lovely Lauren's house. Fun times for Emily.

I think that's about it. See how I got a new 'you', by the way? Did I say that last time? I don't know, I can't remember.

Tata for now.
<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24615916/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24615916/ Wed, 06 May 2009 10:16:44 PDT
I got home and booked the train tickets that all four of us agreed on (one person determines that he was never consulted but I think he was just thrown off by confusing exam times and I got a very arsey phone call, but I reasoned with myself so that's okay now.) and then I gave my sister my old bikini (it looks better on her and she's 13 ¬¬ ) and then I went to talk to my mum.

Recently we've come into a bit of money; my grandad died last year and left his children his house which finally sold last week. But Mum kept talking about this 'other money' that we were ' probably going to get ' but couldn't tell me about until it happened. She went to a hospice day care thingy today and they asked her how her children felt about her illness... She asked and my sister didn't even realise that Mum was going to die. She assumed that because she's on treatment, she was being cured and there was nothing to worry about. I think this made Mum realise that she wasn't telling us enough. I mean, she's always told us everything we needed to know, but we never really talked about it unless she was specifically telling us about a doctor's appointment. So my sister went off swimming and once I'd finished ranting at Mum about men, she sat me down on the toilet seat (she was in the bath!) and caught me up with everything she'd been missing out. Basically, this 'other money' is her life insurance- she's agreed with her doctor to become 'terminal' so that the insurance will pay out nearly £300,000. Apparently, the first thing on the shopping list is a hot tub! Then a good chunk of it is going to be put away, because Dad's decided that when Mum can't look after herself anymore he's going to quit his job of 23 years to look after her 24/7. Then, after she's gone, he'll become self-employed and work from home for our sake; but not before we've all gone on a cruise and seen a decent west-end show together. It's sensible, I know. It's right to think ahead like that.

But I don't think I want to.

Unlike Livvie, I knew she was going to die. Thanks to our chat I now know it won't be anytime soon because 'bone cancer has never killed anyone.' But I still don't really want to think about it. Having to even consider a house without Mum around ever again, with just me, Dad and Liv, isn't even comprehendable. I love my mum and she's pretty much my best friend; I can't think about living without her. So being told the plans for when it inevitabley does happen does not sit well. I don't know what to think or whether it's okay to cry. Her doctor doesn't really think she's terminal, he's just writing it for the insurance company... But there has to be some truth in it for him to be able to write the statement and have it believed.

I won't cry, for now. I will, no doubt, but for now I have to go and cook quiche because it's 'Mum's day off.'

Thanks for listening. x

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24480251/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24480251/ Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:09:21 PDT
As for the other... I don't know that, either. There's nothing to report. There's nothing to not report. My mum asked me earlier 'if he asked you out again right now, would you say yes?' I was a little perplexed and looked at her a second longer than I should've to still seem convincing, and said 'well I haven't thought about it. It's not something I think about,' and turned back to the computer. She said 'that's a yes then; you'd give it some serious thought.' I should've just said no and left it, but instead I said 'well yeah, I'd think about it.. But you'd think about it if anyone asked you out. Unless it was Kyle, bless him,' and successfully changed the subject.

I am hopelessly addicted to Twitter right now. And Cobra Starship. I am off to see the lovely GABE in just 22 days. In fact, at this exact time in 22 days I will be standing watching him. Probably right at the front too, because of the five hours we are going to spend queueing. That time will also celebrate the end of my last AS exam. Panicking like an insane person over these exams. My first is in 17 days and I just did my first hour of revision. It will not end well.

I just popped in for an update as it has been 2 weeks. I thought you'd like to know I'm trying to fix my big mess and that I'm going to see GABE soon.

Talk another day.
xxx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24056306/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24056306/ Sat, 04 Apr 2009 10:54:14 PDT
I'll tell you why. Because I don't have you. You could fix me with a click of your fingers, a touch of your hand. You know it's good- but it's bad all for the sake of ten minutes I can never take back. Anyone else, and I'd have it all back right now. But you're not anyone else. You're you. You're someone different altogether. That what amazes me.

This is fucking ridicilous. I was miserable without Nathen and with him I can get some time of contentment... But then after that time the frustration and the irritation settles right back in. I'm in a predicament. If I stay with him then he's ignorantly happy even though he knows I'm not, and I have something else on my mind some of the time. If I don't stay with him then he's thoroughyl miserable, I'm even more unhappy and I have a lot more room in my head for everything else that can be wrong.

I went upstairs to ask my mum if we could go to the cinema tonight. She said she wasn't up to it, but then as I leaned over to fuss the dog, she said 'Emily, you're putting on weight.' I told her I knew, thank you, and she said 'well, I just thought I should let you know.' So I left and cried. What if I stopped eating? What if I started living off carrots and lettuce leaves? She'd feel like shit then, wouldn't she? ...I've been putting on weight for ages. It's college. I don't have to walk anywhere anymore and they sell creme eggs. Is that why you've gone off me? You were interested for a while, weren't you? Sex every time you could blame it on alcohol. I started putting on weight and you didn't seem as interested anymore. It's even got to the point where I can sit next to you without you getting fidgety. I'm not attractive to you anymore, am I?

I should just give up. Nothing seems to be worth anything anymore. I'm left here to suffer in silence, all on my own. No one seems to understand that I have some issues. Some understand but are scared of them. some understand but just don't want to get involved. And then there are the ones that just don't have a fucking clue how much I'm hurting, how scared I am about... Well, about life.

I'm fucking terrified. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24023556/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24023556/ Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:20:21 PDT
It's going to be okay.

It has to be.

And you will get out of my head.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24008987/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/24008987/ Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:11:00 PDT
I need to break up with him. He's clingy, he's possessive, he checks up on me all the time, his answer to everything is 'it'll be okay love. Big kiss and cuddle for you tomorrow.' even though the worry was 'I think my mum's going to die.' He doesn't have a clue. He doesn't understand that I'm sad and scared most of the time, and he doesn't understand why. He doesn't know me. He can't work me.

You. Fuck you. Do you know this is because of you? I can't get you out of my head. Go away. Come to me. Come to me and stay with me. Forgive me. Love me. We can be twisted and warped and broken together, one big happy mess. With lots of sex, of course. That's what we do best, after all, isn't it? God I hope you don't read this. I have no idea if you stay away or if you stalk my journals. If you are here, there must be a reason for it, mustn't there? Maybe you're just nosey. Maybe you know I'm talking about you and it gives you some kind of comfort knowing someone loves you, fucked as it is. Maybe you're not here at all.

Why do I use this to write things like that? I know anyone can see it. I think I'm hoping some wonderful stranger will be my answer. In the meantime I risk being found out and having that boyr un away screaming because I'm mad. Today I am mad. My brain's going in mad circles. Not an awful lot makes sense. I think that's why I managed to write that essay; I wasn't really paying attention to anything so I just got on with it. Through tears, some of it, thanks to Nathen. Really knows how to handle me, that boy.

I'll post this a second time without the incriminating bit in case he comes. 'Just don't post that bit,' I know. But the wonderful stranger, remember?

X

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23935942/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23935942/ Sat, 28 Mar 2009 14:54:36 PDT
Hood up, straight fringe falling into his eyes, those silly glasses perched on his nose, walking up the road... He looked gorgeous. I felt my stomach wobble as I saw him. I've been trying to prove that I'm taller than him in my heels, which involves standing nose to nose with him. Not good for me.

The idea of this clingy, whingy, sulky boy who has taken to following me everywhere is becoming less and less appealing. Tonight I was conciously avoiding kissing him too passionately or even saying 'I love you', just in case.

This week has been horrible. Nathen woke up Tuesday morning with some really nasty virus- I instantly realised I'd have to avoid him like the plague, because a virus is the last thing mum needs right now. It could kill her. I explained this to Nathen and instead of understanding that I probably love my mother more than him and it's important that I don't catch what we has, he spent the entire week sulking and kicking up a stinking fuss every time I made him sit away from me or wouldn't kiss him goodbye. So not only is it bad enough that I may already have this illness because I slept next to him the night he developed it, but I had to deal with a stroppy child of a boyfriend all week too. He doesn't seem to understand how this affecting me. He seems to refuse to accept that I'm upset. He just wants cuddles and kisses and sex all the time.

This is turning into Sam all over again. I wonder if you knew that you were the reason Sam and I never worked out? I couldn't get him off my mind. He was just always there. I couldn't concentrate on Sam when I could've been concentrating on him instead. That's not quite how it's working now... I don't really. He seems to understand. He seems to know what I'm thinking and we can have a conversation through facial expressions. He gets that I'm scared, that I love my mum and that I need her more than most people.

I can't break up with Nathen. I don't want to. He gives me something else to think about. If I'm being angry with him or trying to entertain him I'm not thinking about anything else. I couldn't hurt him like that. He's sure that he's in love with me, I couldn't break him like that. I don't think he really is, but he does. He's nice to have around, he makes me laugh. If only he could just understand.

There's someone on his mind. At least something, but I'm pretty sure it's a someone. I just can't work out who. I've found it's horrible and frustratig, not knowing what he's thinking. It was awful before, but then I seemed to learn his ways, so now it's awful in a different way. I can't even work out why they're there.

I don't know what to do with myself. I can't have him, even if I do make myself available. But I can't keep doing this to Nathen.

Ugh.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23885021/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23885021/ Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:07:42 PDT
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, feel or think. What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to survive?

I feel like a few more pokes or pushes or hard words will push me off that ledge into the thorns of the unknown. My brain capacity has lost room for resilience. It only has emotion, coping mechanisms and then that brand new space titled 'more emotion'. And don't forgets the 'tears' section. A comment made to make me look silly left me sobbing in a toilet cubicle today.

Where's my normality? I know where it is. Locked away in a small, damaged space, never to be touched again (without the aid of alcohol and broken minds, that is.)


Had a nice weekend with Nathen. Lifted my spirits. Kept my mind off of insanity. Unlocked a few feelings- in my mind, if not in my heart. Slept in his bed a lot. But now he's ill, and he's gone away, and everything's reeping back in. He's my distraction, it seems. He keeps me up because there's nothing with him that has the ability to push me down. It's simple and smiley.

I want sanity.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23732648/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23732648/ Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:06:16 PDT and all she thinks about is you
She falls asleep and all she dreams about is you
When she's asleep the air she's breathing is for you and
while she wants to live, she's not got that much more to give.

That sounds almost suicidal. I'm not. Maybe how a suicidal person might have felt before suicide was invented, or something.

Today was like being sat on a 12 hour rollercoaster. My phone alarm never made an appearance, and when Christina Aguilera on my iPod alarm told me I was dirrrty I just thought 'nah, sleep.' and managed to stay there for an another two hours. I got up eventually, fully intending to be ready and out of the door in 40 minutes (after having decided to 'miss' the first half of Drama.) However the heating and hot water were off so I had to have a shower (runs of the electrics) which made me miss that bus. Then I was trying to send an email to college and the internet died so I missed that bus too. It was Nathen's birthday today- I was supposed to be meeting him in the break and going to his house for our 2 hour break. I've been messing up repeatedly with him so when I came to this conclusion I started to cry in the living room, at which point my dad decided to detour on his and my mum's way to hospital to take me to Nathen's. I got there only 15 minutes late.

The day was good from there. Nothing special or terrible happened in college, and I decided my brain could cope with going to Nathen's afterwards. We were really good. He was really happy and silly, and we sat around not doing much and talking and giggling. Then it was tea time and we put the telly on. And then the Macmillan cancer care advert came on and I cried. Talk about ruin an evening.

I'm struggling to cope. There's so much to handle. Mum's on a lot more pain medication than she was and her 'I'm fine and happy' frontier is starting the fade away at the edges. I'm not happy in my relationship- not unhappy, but not happy either. He's nice and safe, but there's no excitement or unpredictablility (if that's even a word.) I'm in love with the wrong boy and that's not going to change.

I may have teetered over the edge if it wasn't for you, you know. You've been like some kind of angel. Granted, your halo's wonky and your wings are bruised and broken, but you're still there. Putting your arm around me and linking my fingers let me know it was okay for me to fall apart- you'd help collect the pieces in a minute. And you, of course. You were just as amazing. But you pop up on messenger and check I'm surviving. You appear in my college inbox asking if I'm still alive. You rang me to chatter insignificant rubbish at me. You're letting me know it's okay to escape for a while. I wish I knew how to thank you. I wish I could be the same for you. I wish I knew how to show you how much I appreciate you.

I'm a bit stuck. I wish there were answers to my questions. I wish my questions made sense.

I'm doing a lot of wishing.

=/

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23675372/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23675372/ Fri, 13 Mar 2009 12:06:38 PDT I don't feel for you. I miss the relationship. I miss- And that's when the words began to merge together, and I had to leave the room and curl up on the double bed in the next room and cry.

Liar. Either way, liar. I didn't mean 'I love you.' I meant that you were there, and you weren't supposed to care, and I didn't know why. or something. Bullshit. The biggest load of rubbish I think I've ever heard come from that mouth. But what is the truth? Because there's a lie somewhere. Was 'I love you' just for kicks? No, that's definitely not it. Were those sober words and that kiss for a quick fuck? No, that's not it either. Was the 'feeling nothing' to protect me? Probably not. Was it to protect you? From me and from yourself? ...Maybe. Perhaps you did love me, for a while. Maybe just because you suddenly couldn't have me, like my little epidemic before. Maybe just because you did. But then maybe you barricaded yourself back in and didn't anymore. Or maybe you love someone else instead. I can guess. Maybe not in love, but there's something there. Something in your eyes.

I'm getting off the point. You don't seem to understand that these tears aren't selfish, or guilty, or want. They're love. Pure love. You were the one, I was sure of it. Silly at 16, I know, but I was. And then it was all gone. And it'll never go away. It'll always be here. Even when I'm old with a husband and children and a pet dog in a big house you'll still be there.

I have come to accept that Nathen is a boy to care about and feel for, who will never understand me or my emotions, never understand why I have to lock myself in bathrooms to make him go away sometimes, never understand why I get angry with him when he won't talk to me about things. He's there to cuddle and to kiss and to share insignifacnt detail with and to make me feel nice for a while. Then I'll get bored of his lack of understanding and of the 'I'll make it better with a big cuddle tomorrow's and we'll break up and he'll be 'heartbroken' and I'll still be sad.

C'est la vie.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23540364/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23540364/ Thu, 05 Mar 2009 13:04:58 PST
Oh dear. Things are going mental. But only inside my head. Which, again, sucks.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay? That's quite a lovely song. Mildly relevant- except you're not okay, are you? I can see that, but you don't seem willing to tell me why. Sometimes I want to give you a hug, let you know I'm there, but you'd only be cross and move me out of your 'ersonal space'.

Things are okay with Nathen though, I guess. I'm beginning to just accept that he's clingy and deal with it. It's quite nice, I suppose. I just don't like that I don't get a chance to get clingy or to miss him, because he's too busy doing it himself.

I'm job hunting. I just applied for a car park attendant at the local football ground. Oh, desperate times. D':

I don't know.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23508128/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23508128/ Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:01:20 PST
Been an odd sort of week so far. Yesterday I was actually ready to murder Nathen. He's not really being needy, just... Must be by my side at all times. Yesterday I said 'I want to go out with lots of people having a good time with maybe even dancing.' His response was something along the lines of 'I'll take you wherever you want to go, but dancing's not really my thing... I don't really do dancing... Mostly because I can't, haha... Dancing's not really my thing... ...I hope you're not mad.' He said all of that without a word from me. He assumed I'd be angry at him for not wanting to dance, and was full of apologies for not liking it. What am I, some kind of dominatrix??

He also said that if anything happened to me he'd probably die. I laughed, but then he revealed that he was being serious and if that I were to disappear for whatever reason he thinks he would die. I told him no, he'd be a bit sad but then move on. He told me no and that he'd be completely heartbroken and it'd take at least a few years to heal. I, quite bluntly, said he was being daft and we'd only been together a month; he'd be fine. I tried to keep a light tone- I didn't fancy getting into that conversation. I was worried he was going to start talking about marriage and kids next or something.

And then, of course, there's him. There's a solid friendship now. He's even starting to trust me a tiny bit. (Like, he texts me if there's been a big row and he needs to go sit in the rain for a bit. That's more trust than there was before.) He'll never really trust me. Ever. Though I've been thinking about it recently, and I don't think I could trust him, either. I don't think I could trust him not to break my heart. I'd end up just giving myself to him completely, and he'd end up letting paranoia take over or running off to uni and leaving me behind. I don't know. Maybe that's my new defense mechanism.

Actually, it's going to be worse than horrible when he goes to university. I'll just miss him. A lot. Though that isn't for another 18 months or so, so I have a while to forget about it. Hm.

I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. My brain is working in so many different directions. Nathen, him, college, mum, Photography, how much weight I've put on, how I feel a little bit dirty sometimes, how hot he looks under the spotlight, the college heirarchy, how I'm sure I'm going to fail English Language, Nathen, him, what music I'll listen to today, what music he'll approve of, what clothes I look good in, what clothes everyone'll think I look good in... My head is confusing me so much right now. The stuff in it just doesn't make much sense. And this lump in my throat confuses me more than anything, because I don't even know what I'm crying about anymore.

I so hope you listened to me and you're not here. This is crazy person stuff you don't need to know. Like I love you. That's insane, if anything.

On a slightly lighter note, mum's walking again. With the help of her walking stick and only when she needs to, but at least she's managing it. She started her radiotherapy today. She should start getting better soon.

<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23463889/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23463889/ Sun, 01 Mar 2009 06:02:28 PST You stole my heart...

...but I can't bring myself to want it back. Which isn't good, really.

You, I've left your page. You can stop stalking me now, please. =]

Yesterday was a nice day. Got woken up at stupid o'clock by a friend's dogs, so when I went home with Nathen we both fell asleep for about three hours. It was nice to open my eyes every now and again and find myself snuggled into his bare chest. Then we watched Don't Mess With The Zohan (I don't recommend it, it was rubbish. Sandler pulled it off, as always, but it was still rubbish.) and then we just messed around for a few more hours. It was nice.

I came home last night and Mum said she'd had the emergency doctor out. She's been kidding herself all week that if she just rests it then her hip will get better. But, in her words, 'it's not going to get better from rest, is it? It's cancer.' So the nice doctor (who got on with the dog, apparently) upped her painkillers and she's gone out with Dad today. It may only be fake getting better, but at least she's feeling alright. I'm also becoming immune to her not so nice news. So I'll be okay, for now. Until the next bombshell.

I'm sorry to bore you with the same stuff each journal, but I need to get it out. It calms me down a bit, if nothing else. =]

xx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23427113/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23427113/ Fri, 27 Feb 2009 03:46:59 PST
I need to find some way of controlling myself. Maybe creme eggs are the answer. Or perhaps it's Nathen. If I just pretend I'm okay and not slightly dying inside (okay, I exaggurate) then we get on perfectly and I help him hide his random erections. Bless.

I just need to take a big deep breath and remind myself things are okay. This 'dilemma' I'm in is minute compared to everything else, and everything else still isn't as bad as it could be.

Deep breaths, Emily.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23416748/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23416748/ Thu, 26 Feb 2009 13:50:21 PST
I'm losing grip. I'm losing my hold on sanity. Shit like 'Nathen says: i wish i could come and put my arms around you and make it all better' DOES NOT HELP. Because a fucking hug really is a cure to cancer and heartbreak all mixed into one.

I don't think he realises how much I need fixing sometimes. Times like these when everything's wrong. I even got a letter rejecting from a day trip to university earlier.

WHY is there only ONE PERSON who seems to get it? Why is THAT PERSON?

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23415113/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23415113/ Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:10:53 PST
*phew* There's no way I can ever say that to his face. He'd crumble. He'd feel terrible for not being there for me and apologise repeatedly and I'd have to pretend it was all okay and put my face straight back on; so why bother taking it off?

It's started. The confusion and the guilt. I managed two for *counts* five days. Then it got on top of me and became too much to handle. He came online and the guilt in my stomach was terrible. I haven't done anything technically, but having feelings for someone else? I'd only think I wasn't good enough and spiral into some kind of manic depression.

I think I just picked a really stupid time to try, there's just too much on my mind now. All he had to do was explain his side and boom, I'm off. The rest of this week should be interesting.

(Romeo and Juliet put poison in their veins, and they both ended up dead.)

A question I've been asking myself lately is 'would I go back?' If I had the chance, would I go back and change what happened? Change the outcome? Or would I carry on and let myself become what I have with who I have? I don't know. I like me now. I like my friends now. I like my attitude now. But I liked him then. But the two could never have existed together. I don't know if I'd go back. Would you? (I don't want an answer to that. You shouldn't even have seen that rhetorical question, go away =])

I've run out of steam. I had a lot of pent up anger at the beginning and then I helped mum make dinner (because she wouldn't sit down and let me do it, despite the agony she was clearly in) and I lost all my energy.

Sucks, not being able to rant when I want to.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23400736/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23400736/ Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:52:41 PST
WARNING, MAJOR HEAD SPILL.

I want my mum to be okay. I want to come home from college and see her pottering about the kitchen or talking to the dog or trying to revive her dying plants. I want to mention going on holiday and not see her trying not to cry. I want to not hear her say things like 'don't worry about spacing holidays out.' as if she doesn't think she has time to. I want to see her not cringe in pain whenever she moves. I want her to be okay.

I want someone to sit with and cuddle with and to talk to me about mum. I want someone who doesn't just say 'she'll be fine, don't worry' and kiss me on the head. I want someone who can talk things through with me and listen to me be sad and hug me when I cry without trying to shush my tears.

I want him to love me with his head as well as his heart. I want him to see me now, not then. I want him to put his arms round me. Or maybe I want him to just like me with his head and his heart, and be happy never putting his arms round me. I want me to be happy with that too.
OR
I want to love him like I loved you. I want it to be real, like I couldn't live without him. I want to fall for him and feel the same way he feels about me. I want to miss him the second he's not here until I see him again. I want him to make me laugh and cry and everything in between. I want him to scramble my emotions until I can't tell love from hate anymore.

I want real sex that means more than sex. I want sex that lasts for an hour (not eight minutes) with a constant stream of 'I love you'. I want to really mean it.

I want my life back.

I want to love it.

I want, I want, I want.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23362903/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23362903/ Mon, 23 Feb 2009 13:03:30 PST
I got my English essay done; and I didn't cry! Not even close! It seems I am over my fear of essays. That's nice to know. I just sat down at college today and typed for 50 minutes. I was so proud.

We had to do a daft 'enlightening' test thing in Lit. Something like 'you are on a path. Describe it.' then 'this represents your life.' Apparently my description of water (a quiet, flowing stream behind a house) represented my sex life. A quiet stream? What? My sex life is not quiet! I was most put out.

I have a stalker. It's fact. No use denying it. That kid is obsessively and passionately in love with me. It's obvious. But then Sam told me to 'stop flirting with some Japanese guy and go home.' I had to laugh.

Going home was even good. I saw him, and then I was with him, and then I talked to him, and then I was with him again. This shit should not be making me happy. I should be tearing my hair out with confusion and my insides should be ripping themselves apart with guilt. But instead I'm happy. And I don't feel bad about that.

Next on the feel-good agenda, I met a friend in town and we had a good old chat. He's got the love-bug involving a small girl with a boyfriend. But he doesn't mind. They didn't have my Electric Six tickets, but I'm going back tomorrow so that's good.

I got home and shouted up to mum, who was in bed. Here's where it's not so fine and dandy. I asked her about dinner and she said she can't cook today, she's found she can't walk very well. Then she went on to tell me that she went to the hospital for her scan results this afternoon, and there's cancer on her other hip. They said they can radiotherapy it right off so she's not too worried. News like that is getting so frequent I'm barely noticing it anymore. Her and my dad have gone out for dinner and then to the cinema tonight. Again. They're going off in the camper van more often. We're all going to Africa this summer. ...I just want her to be at my wedding. Maybe see my children. It's hard to think she may not be there with a video camera acting exactly like my Grandma.

I've never said that anywhere but my head before. I guess it's becoming reality.

Wow, there goes my brilliant mood. =/ I'll be okay in a minute. I'll jump in the shower and then perhaps go and see what all this Heroes fuss is about.

Someone'll cheer me up, they always do.

So mostly a good day. Yes I'm worried and yes I smell a bit like Mark (sat next to him on the bus. Yeuch.) but it was nice today. It's nice being friends with everyone, especially that one. This'll all get on top of me and I'll implode one day, but for now it's all gravy =]

Over and out
<3

PS Dear You, I has presents. Remind me later =]

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23346492/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23346492/ Sun, 22 Feb 2009 15:27:08 PST You. (I know you're there. Go away. =])


Is it possible to love two people at once? Because I think I do. Very different love. I can't explain it.

He makes me so happy I find myself just laughing at nothing. We sit and we giggle and we cuddle and we compliment and all the things you do with someone who makes you that happy.

But you... You make me feel things I've never felt before. You make me laugh, you make me cry. Your touch does things to me and your kiss...

I can never have him, but I don't feel like I've settled for second best. Just a different best. He will always be my original best. He's... amazing. In the literal sense that he amazes me rather than 'he's rly good yeh'. My new best is lovely. He makes me feel lovely. I can't remember the last time someone just genuinely made me feel nice, no complications.

My problem? You can't have two bests.

You're the kinda girl to take home to mom, if my momma was dead.
And I’ve been there, seen that, and I ain't taking you home.

Not that I've got the Cobra Starship album on or anything.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23273222/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23273222/ Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:51:33 PST
I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to believe him and give up everything just to see, or stay in my pastel coloured little life and wonder, or to have a go at hating him to see if it works as well he thinks it does.

Option A is ridiculous. It'll hurt pretty much everyone, including me, for no reason at all. Even if he did mean it, it wasn't a happy I love you. It was a 'I hate that I love you, go away.' And he was so drunk he probably thought I was Jessica Alba or something. And I don't think I want it anyway.

Option B... That's unfair. It's not pastel coloured. He doesn't mean to be. It seems that he's just quite happy to fall into a routine and stay there. This is what all my relationships were like before you came along. I'm not saying it's boring- it definitely isn't- it'll just take some getting used to.

Option C is looking the most plausible. Possible. Hating him for doing this to me. For blowing hot and cold and being friendly and then bitter and flirting with me and then refusing to talk to me. Then just as he gets what he wants and I go away, he changes his mind. Why shouldn't I hate him?

...Because I was happiest when I was with him. He knows I could never hate him. That's why he does this to me; because he can.

I can't take it anymore. This is the point where I fall for him again. The week after the random sex, or the flirting over maths homework. But I won't do it again.

I need to stop this. It needs to stop.

Nathen loves me. He pretty much adores me. He's happy, he's honest, he's nice... He's right for me. Why is that never enough?

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23252938/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23252938/ Tue, 17 Feb 2009 12:38:37 PST
NEVER AGAIN. I know I've said it before, but I really need to mean it this time. If I ever mention a party at my house again, just point me back to this journal. I am never having a big party in my house ever again!

Most people had an alright time as a whole, apart from me who, as the host, had to deal with their drunken stupidity. Let's make a list, shall we?

1. Finding out that a few incredibly mature friends had put porn in the family video recorder- 3 weeks earlier. My 13 year old sister uses that.

2. One 'friend' trying to be a knight in shining armour to the point that he wouldn't even let Nathen in to check I was okay.

3. Same 'friend' then squaring up to the one person who probably knew how to calm me down and storming off in a strop.

4. People touching my iPod. I know that sounds petty, but when I've made a playlist and set my iPod going it drives me crackers when people turn songs off halfway through and put what they want on.

5a. "There's vodka in my wardrobe, but mix in my room, yeah? There's people here I don't want finding it." So he goes and downs two mouthfuls from the bottle.

5b. Sprawled across my beanbag/bed (just happened to be where he fell) his nose starts bleeding. Here comes the mission to get him to the bathroom so he doesn't bleed everywhere.

5c. He needed a wee, so we left. We came back to find blood everywhere where he couldn't hold his penis and a tissue at the same time. The 'friend' from earlier cleaned that up a few hours later. (I'd just shouted at him and he was sulking.)

6. One of them almost passed out on the bathroom floor. He was in a state of not quite conscious. It was horrible to watch. He was crying and throwing up and shouting at everyone. He made 3 different people cry, without even realising he was doing it. He kept telling people to fuck off, so we had an unspoken system where we took turns going in until he let someone stay. Lucky me, he kept me.

So I stayed in the bathroom for 2 hours whilst fuck knows what was going on in my house. Apparently they made a 'magic cocktail' out of all the alcohol they had and whatever they could find in the cupboards, including chilli powder. Needless to say they were all wankered.

My time in the bathroom was... I don't know. Confusing, I suppose. I've told him he was completely incoherent and I've no idea what he was saying, but I know exactly what it was. Just before he slid to the floor (and stayed there for an hour) he said 'Emily, I love you,' clear as day. I pretended not to hear him because I wasn't sure he'd meant to say it. But then he repeated himself. Then he went off saying how he didn't understand why, and it hurt and it shouldn't hurt anymore, and then he started shouting at me so I left and cried on Nathen. Silly me, I went back. And he carried on. After a while I put him in the shower then put him to bed and 'forgot' about the whole thing, as did he; or so he says. He says he can't remember anything after pulling my whiteboard off the wall because he thought it was the way out. He doesn't even remember the nosebleed.

Since then, I've been 'noticing' him looking at me or saying something that might be relevant or saying nothing at all when he perhaps usually would. This is all probably in my head, exaggerated because I'm waiting for it. I don't know what I'm waiting for, exactly.

I can't tell Nathen. He doesn't need to know; it'd just be unnecessary worry for him. He keeps asking why I seem distracted though, so I need to either snap out of it or come up with something.

I want to know what's going on; whether he really does remember it, whether he meant any of it, whether he really wanted me to know… But I can't see how it'd help anything. It'd only throw me into confusion just as I'm actually happy.

I don't like this role reversal between us. It's all wrong.

Oh dear. Well. Talk soon.

<3

PS Why the fuck is the mood 'Confused' under 'Wow'???

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23123820/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/23123820/ Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:44:45 PST How do I help you? How do I stop you from crumbling away round the edges? How do I make you see?

You're amazing, we both know it. But why doesn't anyone else? Why can't they see who you are? How perfect you can be?

You don't want my 'help'. You don't want me to have anything to do with it; or even you, sometimes. But I seem to be the only one of us who can see you disappearing. I want to take away your down days because I see how good your up days are.

You won't care. You help yourself. Limited access to the box that is your soul. The soul that's hidden itself behind the mask.

And the worst part? You'll never know how much I care.

*bangs head* It's so frustrating. Especially when I'm so happy with my own life right now. Everything's just plodding along nicely. My lovely boyfriend, my lovely friends, my lovely family... It's just all so nice. So nice, in fact, that I'm not even worried about this massive party I'm having on Valentine's Day. I'm just trusting that nothing will be broken and that when my parents get home Sunday they won't even notice that there were 16 very drunk people in the house the night before. Anyone who has ever met me will understand the significance of this trust. I'm actually looking forward to it.

Nathen. Wow. Where to start? His gorgeous blue eyes? His beautifully soft skin? His adoration? It's so amazing to feel loved and wanted. Of course, they all break your heart eventually, leaving you bruised and bitter, but until then it's nice. So nice.

*Sigh* I don't know. It'll work out in the end. For everyone.

So happy Valentine's, whatever your take on the 'holiday'. Party on Saturday. Originally for us bitter single people who had nothing better to do. Now it's just a mash up. Wish me luck! =S

Until next time
<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22960547/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22960547/ Mon, 02 Feb 2009 09:21:35 PST What makes you so much better than me? Well, you're not. I may have dented your pride, but that doesn't give you the right to abuse and humiliate me. Seven months later, it really doesn't matter anymore. How about you see me for who I am now, not what I did before? Maybe you'd like people better that way.

He won't even see that. Oh well, it's still good to vent.

I've been with Nathen nine whole days and he's still lovely. I think I'm onto a winner here! He cuddles me and he kisses me and he puts his arms round me and does all the things I love. All the little things. He isn't ashamed of me, and there aren't things he won't tell me or friends he won't tell me about. It's beautiful innocence and it's so nice. I think I could love him. One day, I could. There seems to be something holding me back; like a pane of glass just stopping me from giving myself to him. I suspect it may be that I've had love, love that was real... And I'm so scared of it. It hurt me so much and I don't even know if I'm fixed yet. I want so much for him to be the one to fix me, but I don't know how to let him. It doesn't hurt anymore... Now it's just holding me back.

Despite all that, I think I'm happy. I have nice friends and a nice boyfriend and nice (ish) grades and things are nice. Even mum's feeling better *fingers crossed, touch wood and all that*. I think February will be a good month. I have that feeling. =]

Until I get cross again ;]
<33

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22795150/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22795150/ Sun, 25 Jan 2009 03:32:25 PST It's a love story, baby just say yes

I love that song. Love Story by Taylor Swift, if you don't know.

So, I went for it. Flirted and giggled for all I was worth, invited him to come shopping and to the cinema with us, went back to his house with Sam (technically ex boyfriend, but it was only ten days and now, as more best friends than anything else, we both agree it didn't even count!), kissed him in his Nightmare Before Christmas obsessed bedroom, then he walked me to my door and asked me out. xD

I'm happy. I'm giggly and girly and silly. I'm being one of those girls that drive all the single people crackers. I walked into the kitchen this morning singing- my mum nearly had a heart attack. (I am not a morning person!) He only asked me out last night though, so it has plenty of time to wear off. I'll be back on earth eventually =]

If you don't know the Taylor Swift song, I urge you to YouTube it! It's lovely. It made Sam cry!

Until next time =]

<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22712222/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22712222/ Wed, 21 Jan 2009 11:57:12 PST I'd just like to point out that although I've just uploaded 27 hundred photographs, I think of myself as a writer. (Synopsis and the penultimate chapter I wrote for coursework appearing tomorrow, hopefully!)


I finally found a boy who takes my mind off of him. I've not a clue how he's done it; he's just an ordinary boy with a pretty face and a fun personality. I think my mild panic attack last week snapped me into realisation and made me decide to take action. I don't know. But this boy is lovely and he gives me butterflies: that's good enough for me.

After all the fuss I made, that relationship lasted six days. She said she had 'a lot of problems right now' and she thought she should 'take a break from relationships'. He was devastated, obviously, because he really liked her. She told him she loved him less that a day into the relationship and slapped him frequently though, so maybe it was for the best. Once that was over, I had to just take a step back and look over what had just happened. I needed to get a grip. Ironically, he said the same thing. (He won't be reading this; I blocked him. So I have a little freedom.)

So this boy, Nathen. He's so lovely, not to mention fucking gorgeous! He wears black skinnies and a Jack Skellington hoody, and he wore a Black Parade jacket to Prom. He wears shirts and waistcoats sometimes, and he's tall with good shoulders. (You know, muscly but not overdone?) Pretty much exactly my type. Obviously it's not just his looks; he makes me laugh and he's the cuddly type. He burst into song to cheer me up today. That's the kinda guy you want around.

However lovely he may be, though, I can't help but feel I'm being fickle. I obviously still have feelings for him, but I have a chance to move on and try again. Should I take it?

<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22559552/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22559552/ Tue, 13 Jan 2009 11:02:48 PST he doesn't read this. Of course, if he really wants to know, be my guest...) (But really. Not such a great idea.)


I just cried so much I had to go and sit with my head down the toilet, just in case. Turns out toilet bleach is just what you need when you feel sick.

The ex just got a new girlfriend. It hit me hard. I think I had something of a small panic attack, but I can't be sure. I really wouldn't have thought it'd bother me so much. It may be because I'd just come to the conclusion that I liked him, and if we kept getting on so well then I was going to tell him. (I'd figured that liking him at that level and not doing anything was just as painful as him turning me down would be.) Then last week I said that a girl clearly 'fancied the pants off him', as I put it. Two days later, he asked her out.

I feel like I've just been dumped; that's the only way I can describe this feeling. I don't think I've felt quite like this before. Not when I did that stupid thing, not when he phoned me up and told me he never wanted to see me again, not when I heard the things he'd been saying about me, not when he told me to stay away from him, not after all of those times he made me feel wanted, then just pulled his jeans up and left. Right now I feel like I could combust at any moment. When he says things I recognise or tries putting his arm round her (note tries. She doesn't seem the touchy type. Which helps.) something happens in my stomach and I have to hold on tight. I haven't had the pleasure of witnessing a kiss yet- that may well be the end of my existence.

I'm confused and I don't know what to do. My head, heart and eyes hurt. I thought I was over him, I really did. But then, I suppose, things happened and stuff was said and I got back under him, so to speak. Then he went and got a sodding girlfriend.

Ironically, his old slut and my old accident are now together. Match made in heaven, methinks.

I guess there's nothing for me to do but ride this one out. She has a reputation for getting bored quickly (he's her fourth boyfriend since starting college) but I don't want to count on something that might break them up. I like her, and I don't want him to be miserable. This would be so much easier if she was a bitch.

There really is nothing I can do. Nothing at all.


Information overload, perhaps. This is everything that's been in my head of late, but I haven't been able to put it anywhere because he can see it. The fact I've decided it doesn't really matter says something about my mental stability.

I'll stop now. I'm sure I'll come up with something else to moan about soon enough.

Thanks for listening <3

...I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand.
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22470133/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/22470133/ Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:19:33 PST
You know when you have a bit of a problem, and it niggles at you? And then you start to think about it, and then you don't stop thinking about it, and it escalates until it fills your mind so there's no room for anything but that problem? I have one of those.

It's also one of those problems that you don't ever talk about. One of the problems that if it got into the wrong hands, all hell would break loose; thus making it a bigger problem because it's mine, ALL mine.

It's something of a bother, really. A male bother, naturally. Can't have a decent problem without there being some man in there somewhere. I blame the other gender.

In other news: I'm midway through writing a penultimate chapter to a story for coursework. I'll get the synopsis (or 'sippy thing', as our dear Lucy would put it) up here soon, and then the final draft is due in next week so it'll be here not long after. I'm not too impressed with it at the moment (I think the storyline's weak and just like everyone else's) but it should end up my usual cliché, lovey-dovey style.

If anyone knows of a fool-proof problem-busting plan, do let me know. It's starting to cause lack of sleep.

See you soon =]
<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/21847333/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/21847333/ Sat, 06 Dec 2008 12:07:36 PST that in a hurry!) a crystal rose... All sorts of rubbish and not-so-rubbish that I just had to keep. Then there was a CD of photos that I made in a moment of utter hysteria months ago. Every single photo had a memory attached to it and I was smiling all the way through...

We're in London on a school trip, and it's a beautiful day. Although it's February in England, the sun's out, the sky's blue and it's warm. We've just been on the London Eye and kissed right at the top; an almost magical moment. We've been given half an hour to wander around and look at the street performers, when we see an ice cream van. Taking my hand, he takes me over and pays for both of the cones, handing me one with a smile. So as not to ruin his 'reputation', he makes a cheeky comment at me but before I can retaliate he brings his ice cream to his mouth and pulls a face that just screams 'but I'm cute!'...

...I laughed out loud at that one, and then burst into tears. I miss those memories. The ones where we were just playing, just sharing a joke, just giggling together at something no one else understood. I miss that friendship. That's always the best part of a relationship, isn't it? Never mind the chase, the excitement, the first kiss, the first bed; it's that unbreakable connection between those two people. That's what I miss.

I have 200 texts and 40 minutes left over this month. My God I need some more friends. I usually go over by at least a few quid, but I only used 400 texts! Oh well. 4 1/2 hours of today left to go. I'm sure I can use a few... Although this comes back to what I was saying before. There's always someone to use all your texts on. I love having lots of good friends; there's always someone to fall back on and so many different opinions. But it's still sad when there isn't anyone standing in the circle that would just give you a good cuddle if you needed it, or who you could just rant at for half an hour and they'd completely understand. I miss that, too.

I'm dwelling on the past a lot today. Today is an old friend's- well, an ex-friend, I suppose- birthday. I know it's her birthday, and this time last year we were throwing her a surprise birthday with homemade pizza and our very own version of 'chess'. Now, I'm debating whether to leave her a comment on MySpace letting her know I remembered. It's bizarre how much can change in such a small amount of time.

I have to write a 700 word final chapter for my English coursework. I decided I wanted to do it, and I was so excited to be able to sit down and write again: until I went blank. I have to have a synopsis and a complete first draft by Friday, and I haven't the faintest clue what to write. There will be a boy and a girl and some love and some heartbreak, but that's it. They say write what you know, but what I know will get rambly and not make any sense. If anyone could offer any kind of help, I'd be more than grateful!

I'm now going to go and fill the dishwasher and persuade Mum to dye my hair.

Until I next have something to say;

<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/21677667/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/21677667/ Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:24:58 PST
That bloody boy had best learn some social etiquette, and soon. I'm going to punch him soon. In fact, I did today. But that was only in the arm, though it was quite a good punch. Notice he's no longer 'the ex' but 'that bloody boy'... He's going to be an ex-person soon! Yeah, you can laugh, dickhead. *pokes tongue out menacingly* A good friend described our friendship the other day: Deep down, I love him really (deep, deep down!) whereas deep down he hates me, really. She does make me laugh =]

When I started to cry on the bus home today, I decided that I no longer care if this guy knows that I'm near enough desperate for him. (Having an emotional week. Hormones, y'know ) I'm still not going to tell anyone, especially not him, but it doesn't really matter if someone were to find out. He's so imperfectly perfect and when he touches me, even just a brush on the leg... Never mind my stomach, my whole internal system does somersaults. My glimmer of hope has grown (absolutely no reason for it; it just has. Maybe I just like him more.) and I'm even considering just going for it. That consideration only appears in moments such as that on the bus and others of such madness, of course. I'm perfectly happy with our friendship, and to jeapordise that with silly feelings would be mad. I made that mistake over summer; I don't want to do it again. (It's not the same guy, for the record. That was mostly just a rebound crush anyway!)

National Award Drama is stupid. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It's nothing compared to my GCSE class, and the work we have to do is rubbish. I'm doing a log for the first unit right now, and I have to write about a load of stuff we didn't even do. It's due in Friday but there's no way I'll get it done. I've just closed it down in protest; if I keep doing that (likely) it'll not be done until this time next week! My teacher's lovely but dim, the students are all half-arsed morons, and the topics are ridiculous. And the worst part is, they won't let me drop it because my GCSE results were too good. Argh! *rant over*

I complain too much. I know I do, I just can't help it. I am trying! Though a friend of mine (same from before, actually) says it's 'character'. I can go with that. =]

I really have extinguished my thoughts today. I hope I didn't bore you. xD

<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/21582288/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/21582288/ Thu, 20 Nov 2008 13:49:32 PST
I'm attempting this awful essay on DBC Pierre's 'Vernon God Little' for about the millionth time and I'm stuck. Again. I've been to my teacher twice and he's helped me out twice and I'm still sat staring at a partially blank screen, aside from the paragraph he told me to write and one piss-weak point that has very feeble evidence. And I've finished my cup of tea.

It also doesn't help that I have quite a bit on my mind. I broke up with Sam yesterday. I know it was the right thing to do because we've been exactly the same with each other today as we were two days ago, proving that we just weren't meant to be in a relationship. Though that does mean that he's not on my mind anymore, leaving room for other things- and people.

This guy. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do. He's got these amazing eyes and an amazing smile and when he laughs I just want to get up and give him a hug. We get on so well and he always makes me feel better and knows exactly what to say. But his affections lie elsewhere and even if I made my feelings known it'd make no difference. If I did tell him it'd probably just ruin our friendship anyway. I kid myself that there might be the tiniest hope, but I think that's only to stop me being miserable all over the place. So he'll go get with some girl and I'll have to watch and it'll kill me. Meh. Life goes on.

I'm still loving college. It's just amazing. Especially now me and that bloody boy are friends again. Hopefully the friendship's there to stay this time. *crosses fingers*

I think that's all. I needed to tell someone about that guy before I actually exploded.

Until next time
<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/21496837/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/21496837/ Sat, 15 Nov 2008 07:34:28 PST
New boyfriend. Tall, blonde, Sam. He's absolutely lovely and a really close friend, which developed into a relationship. I didn't like his girlfriend for various reasons and wasn't exactly upset when he dumped her. Turns out that I didn't really have any reason to dislike her, Sam was just keeping stuff from both of us and allowing misunderstandings to explode. So he's perhaps not as lovely as I first thought.

He just lets me control him. If I were to say jump, he'd throw in a few stars just to please me. I feel like a dominatrix or something and I don't like it. He doesn't seem to have a mind of his own; he'll just work through mine. He got incredibly drunk last night and instead of laughing at his daft behaviour, I got angry and had to leave the room. That can't be right, can it?

There might be a reason for all of this irritation. There's someone else. Sort of. Not that I'm cheating on him, not at all; the someone else doesn't even know about my feelings towards them. It's just an impossible dream that I can't get out of my head. Feelings that really aren't fair on Sam. All of that, and he's starting to remind me of the relationship I had with an ex. Not the ex, but the ex who held out the sledgehammer for me to smash up my heart, and someone elses. That could be another reason... Broken hearts need more than giggles and 'that's what she said' jokes. They need someone who can fill all the little shattered gaps; who can fill the tiny holes left by that person who punctured it over and over. Can it work, though, when you were the one holding the rusty needle?

He can have his fixed. He's got plenty. If it was ever disintergrated in the first place.

There's a person probably reading this who might not be pleased with much I've had to say. To you, I'm sorry. As always. Maybe I need somewhere new to vent.

Until next time, my loves.
<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20948819/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20948819/ Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:09:12 PDT
I had a neon theme and a lot of alcohol. It was such a good party and everyone had such good fun. There were only a few tears and just a bit of vomit, so an overall success!

Of course it wasn't all dandy. The nobhead who destroyed the life I knew decided it would be fun to try and crash. He basically kept ringing the doorbell and running off, and then ringing people in the party to hurl abuse at them. He go so OWNED on the phone though. That was funny xD

The whole crashing thing still upset me though, and with my alcohol consumption I went into my bedroom and cried, like I do. The ex followed me in to make it better... We ended up together. It shouldn't have happened, but I don't regret it. I'd rather it was him than some random person at the party... And he's hot anyway so I don't really mind ;]

We eventually got people to bed around 2am, then a few of us had our own little kitchen floor party for an hour. I was ridiculously drunk by this point so they persuaded me to go away to bed. I was gone the second I put my head down. I woke up still drunk this morning and walked out to the biggest mess I think I've ever seen. Took hours to clear up! But now it's all done and order has been restored.

It was the best fun I've had in ages. I love that lot. They've made me better

It's my birthday Tuesday! Now I've had my party and my present though (bright pink doc martens!) I've got nothing left to be excited about... Oh well, I'll be excited anyway xD

That's it really. Toodlebye <3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20724492/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20724492/ Sun, 28 Sep 2008 13:28:32 PDT
It all turns over and smacks you right across the face.

So much for fucking happiness. He's not going to let that happen... He won't. No matter how right it is.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20703479/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20703479/ Sat, 27 Sep 2008 11:01:44 PDT
Remember Sam? The lovely one? Reminds me way too much of one of my ex's. He's like a lost puppy half the time, and the rest of the time he's being crude or silent. Really not my type at all, which is a shame.

Me and him are so normal it's scary. He pulled 'the face' at me the other day (you know the one your boyfriend pulls at you and you just melt? That one.) and got his own way. I tried very very hard to resist it, but it's still cute I felt nothing for him when he did it though... I'm so proud of myself, and I just wanted to share! There are times when I miss him, but it's over and done with and for the best. So that's all good there, and I think I can stop talking about him now!

Then there's the best friend. I think I've fallen for him, and I don't know what to do. He's my best friend and has been there for me through all the shit that's gone off in the past few months, and now I've gone and messed that up by getting in too deep. He knows, thanks to a mutual friend, but we've been out today and things were fine. I just don't know what to do, because we go so well together.

Oh! I went on a 4 hour bike ride today. If you knew me, you'd probably be falling down with shock right now. I despise nature and I don't understand trees. Excercise is also a mystery to me- why do that to yourself? But Mikey rang me up this morning and demanded I went with him because no one else would, and of course I caved. Apart from the pain of the uncomfortable bicycle seat and all the little hills, it was quite a good day. The weather was gorgeous and I went zoooom down all the big hills! Never, ever again, mind.

College life is treating me well (despite Drama being mildly boring and them not letting me drop it) and I have some amazing new friends. Party in 2 weeks; that's when we see some true characters come out!

That's all for now. No doubt I'll update soon

<33

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20634170/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20634170/ Tue, 23 Sep 2008 11:32:01 PDT
We're completely back to normal and getting on absolutely fine. There's a guy at college, Sam, who's really nice and he took me out last night and kissed me goodnight and it was so lovely, and he really likes me and he keeps asking me if it's okay if he kisses me tomorrow. I've finally got rid of the people who made me feel bad and got some amazing new friends who are all lovely and genuine.

I'm content with my life right now. I've not felt this in a while, and it's nice.

<33

PS Birthday 3 weeks today! Having a neon party the weekend before... I partly blame it for me and him being friends again. SO excited!!

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20437565/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20437565/ Thu, 11 Sep 2008 11:47:31 PDT Unfortunately, the same college as my ex. And even more unfortunately, with the same friends as my ex.

It was alright at first. I sat with him and a mutual friend and we got on. Then we had a conversation and agreed we could be friendly, and it was going fine. Then the other day there was a huge misunderstanding, we argued, he said we couldn't be friends, and now we're just false. Faking our way through dinner times for the sake of the friends we share.

It's tearing me up. He shows a clear disdain towards to me and I hate it. Granted, I deserve it, but it doesn't stop it hurting. When I thought we were going to be friends, I was happy. When we were getting on and having normal conversations like we did a year ago, I was happy. I knew I had no more feelings for him and I thought we'd be okay. Then I let my over zealous emotions get the best of me and fucked it up again. Now I'm miserable, and it's confusing. Crying over him again makes my brain hurt, and I don't know what to think.

I don't know what I'd do without my best friend, though. He's amazing. We've only really been friends a month or so, but we clicked instantly. He's always there for me to whinge at and cry on, and to want to punch anyone who hurts me. I love him to pieces, despite his sometimes unbearable tantrums and girly strops. He makes me laugh so much and he keeps me company in the evening when I've got nothing to do. It's so nice to have a solid frienship with no strings attached that you don't have to work at.

Friends haven't been my strong point recently- I've been betrayed and stabbed in the back more often than they've changed their underwear. I'm grateful for a new start in college, to find some decent people who aren't sexaholic junkies, ready to jump on anyone who might stand in their path of self destruction.

I think that's all I have to report on. No news on the writing front, I'm afraid. Though at college I'm taking both Literature and Language, so there's sure to be something soon!

Until next time
<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20107119/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/20107119/ Sat, 23 Aug 2008 03:52:04 PDT

I realised something the other day. Something that'd been there for a while, I just hadn't noticed it yet. I'm completely over him. I don't think about him anymore and when I saw him the other day, there were no butterflies or knots in my stomach. We're still not really friends though, which is sad, but we are talking.

Not only did I have this revelation, but I found someone else. Well, sort of. Okay, I have a bit of a thing for someone. For a bit I thought he liked me too, and the other day he kissed me. The next night I was out celebrating my results (A*, 5 As and 5 Bs!!) and, very drunk, rang him. He told me he shouldn't have kissed me because he knew how I felt about him but he didn't want a relationship right now. I was a bit shocked, because there's no way I'm even thinking about getting into another relationship just yet. He apologised for leading me on and said it wouldn't happen again. We're fine now- but I just want him even more! The worst part is, none of my friends know about him so I can't talk to anyone.

I think that's about all I have to say. Apart from I really miss sex, but you don't need to know that.

See you soon
-xx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/19699215/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/19699215/ Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:06:59 PDT
My last journal was looking way out of date, so I thought an update was necessary. However, seeing as my ex has access to this page I can't really say what I want to say anymore.

I haven't fallen apart. I am still living and breathing. I seem to have a lot more friends and my social life is blooming. It's nice being single, and being able to spread my affections throughout the community rather than just all on one person. (That makes me sound like a cheap hooker. I'm not. ) I'm happy without him, which I never thought I could be. It was difficult at first, but hearts can heal. He will always have his place, but for now I'm happy to be able to move on.

You may have noticed I deleted that 'story' I started. It was a load of crap from the bottom of a recklessesly broken heart. It was rambled, made no sense and wasn't even interesting. I may try re-writing it one day because it is a good story, but for now I think it'd hurt going over it and the grammar would be terrible!

That's all I can really say. Looking at my miserable, self-centered, slightly pathetic journal was making me cringe. Now I can be happy with my dA profile again. For a while, at least.

See you soon,

emily -xx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/19212896/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/19212896/ Sat, 05 Jul 2008 03:17:02 PDT
Let me go back to about 7 hours after I posted my last journal. We got back together. He accepted my apology, forgave me and told me he loved me enough to try to make it work. That was possibly the happiest night I can remember.

Over the next few weeks, we were happy. We were back to normal and I really thought it was going to be okay. But then he started acting strange, and getting impatient with me, and snapping all the time. I knew he wasn't happy when he stopped texting me back and made any excuse not to see me. Then he went off on sodding camp again.

He came home and asked if he could see me Monday. I suppose this was his decider. To decide whether it was worth it or not. He came round Thursday and he ended the relationship. For good, this time. There is no third try. We're staying friends (apparently) but he's still ignoring my texts and has made no contact with me since. I'll cope.

This whole situation has slightly inspired me; I'm attempting to write a story. It'll be a while before I even think about posting, but the story's there, in my head. It'll be a story, with chapters and the like. It may not make an awful lot of sense, but I'll try.

Thanks for listening.
-xx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/18760050/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/18760050/ Tue, 10 Jun 2008 03:59:17 PDT

emily <3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/18730302/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/18730302/ Sun, 08 Jun 2008 12:17:02 PDT breathe without him. I asked him to think about things and about us last week, and he's still thinking. The waiting and the not knowing... It's destroying me.

I was going to call him, but that puts too much pressure on him. I was going to email him, but I don't know if he'd reply or just get angry and ignore it. So I'm venting here instead. I can't just sit and WAIT anymore. I've prepared myself for whatever he wants to give me, but he won't give it to me.

I'm just so angry. With myself, with him, and with him for not accepting my apology straight away, even though I know there's no reason why he should or would. I guess that's more frustration. I'm frustrated that there's nothing I can do. I can only wait. But I can't.

I just need some answers. Soon. I find myself just wandering round the house or round the school halls, trying to find something or someone. I need him in my life somewhere. Even if he tells me that he can't be with me, but he can be my friend, then fine. At least I'll have him. Somewhere.

I'm crying tears of hysteria. I've not cried in 2 days. I'm so confused. And frustrated. And angry. And hysterical... There are so many emotions running round my head. I don't know what to do with them all. I'm still as much in love with him as I was a month ago. I don't know how to let him go.

<3

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/18607333/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/18607333/ Tue, 03 Jun 2008 09:31:10 PDT I've stuck two journals together here- the second didn't make much sense without the first bit. Then I'll be adding a brand new bit, too.

My last journal was May 19th, but I've deleted it because it was bordering on slightly immature.

I'm screwed. Completely screwed. I'm not going into why, but basically I think I've completely fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me. He's going to ring me when he gets home from camp (at least, I asked him to) and our whole relationship resides on that conversation.

It's 8 months today; at 11 o'clock tonight, to be exact. I'm hoping with every fibre of my body that we make it that far. I need him- especially so at the moment- but it's out of my hands. I'm going to fight for him; I won't let what we have be destroyed because of the most stupid ten minutes of my life.

I spoke to him yesterday, so I hope he's had time to calm down... Though that might just mean he's had longer to think and whatever decision he's made is stuck firmer in his mind.

I don't know what I'd do without him; 8 months is a long time to be so close to someone. I have no idea what to do. I'm just going to tell him the truth and hope. Make sure he knows how I feel. Hope he still feels the same.

I'll let you know what happens.
-xx

PART 2
I ruined everything. He ended it. I can't manage without him. I feel sick I cried for so long. I need him back. I love him so much, despite what he thinks. I don't know what to do; I'm lost.

PART 3
I'm slightly calmer today. Cried a lot less. Drank a cup of tea that made me feel sick. Ate something, too. I managed to speak to him. Actual words and everything! That's enough for now. The fact that he's willing to talk to me, let alone even look at me, makes me feel just that tiny bit better. I don't want to go on too much, in case he reads this, but I thought I'd let you know that I re-learnt how to breathe and such. =]

-xx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/18226060/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/18226060/ Thu, 08 May 2008 12:07:38 PDT
I had a French speaking exam today. I froze halfway through and it just went downhill from there. Now, however, I can't stop speaking in french!

I'm trying to think of a title for this journal at the moment. They usually just come to me, but not today. I'll listen to a few more songs in my '<3' playlist and I'm sure I'll come up with something.

I'm happy. I have a small group of close friends who are all friends with bigger groups of friends who I find it necessary to avoid, but I'm happy. My GCSEs have just started (I've already had Drama and French Speaking) but I'm happy. I no longer have a best friend as the girl I called 'Nessa' is now just 'Vanessa, that girl I used to know', but I'm happy. I'm happy, and it's all down to him.

You may remember that the last time I wrote here things between him and I weren't so good. Thank God we got through it. (After plenty of arguing and breaking up and getting back together and lots of tears, of course.) A month later, we're perfect again. And I couldn't be happier.

Prom next month. I'm looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time. There's so much pressure to look amazing and to make it the best night of your life. I'm confident, however, that I will have the best shoes! They're white Irregular Choice with little red hearts on. (They were £50, but shhhh...) My gorgeous prom date better hurry up and get himself a suit, actually. Oooh does he look good in a suit!

I believe I have run out of things to ramble about. That's all this really was today, wasn't it? Just rambles.

And I've just thought of a title. Clever me.

Talk soon, loves. Au'revoir!
-xx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/17575994/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/17575994/ Sat, 29 Mar 2008 15:41:31 PDT I remember when you told me I should live like I'm dying. Ha. I wish.

So it's the Easter holidays. Two whole weeks of getting up when I like, doing what I like, seeing who I like and not going to bed until 3am. Oh, if only. We have a new puppy. She's about 2 months old now, and the cutest ball of Shih-Tzu fluff I've ever laid eyes on. Except, of course, for when she's shouting at everyone to get her out of her bed at 7 o'clock in the morning. Despite this knowledge, I still insist on staying up late, resulting in not very much sleep for Emily.

As for 'seeing who I like' and 'doing what I like'; that's not happening either. Do you remember Nessa's "phase" I mentioned in my last entry? It's stuck. She's now more superior than ever and what's worse is that she's taking her boyfriend, Chris, with her. The same Chris who lives 7 doors up from me. He's always been her lapdog, but she's never taken advantage of it until now. She's lost a lot of friends because of it and is blaming everyone else. She was my best friend: she moved house yesterday, and now I don't even know which area she lives in.

As for the boyfriend... Poof. Why is it that whenever you want to see a person they suddenly get a life? Monday was 'man day', Tuesday he was sister-sitting, Wednesday was school day, Thursday was best friend day, Friday was party day, the weekend is for the family... In the past 7 days, I've seen him for 2 hours. (1 1/2 of which he found this sudden spurt of energy and just irritated the hell out of me, which to me doesn't count.)

I miss him. He doesn't miss me, though, which has made me irritable. (I tend to be a little clingy. He doesn't.) I've resorted to just not talking to him. 'Making him miss me'. Before you say anything, I am aware how slightly crazy that sounds. But I'm lonely and his texts ran out so I can't talk to him anyway. ...Reading that over, I'm acting like more of a nutcase than I thought I was. Oh dear.

I best stop now, before this turns into an excuse for me self-pity. I'm only being crazy about him because I am crazy about him. It'll be 6 months next week, and I can't think of anyone I'd rather have spent it with. Not even Zac Efron, Mr Higginson the God-like assistant teacher or the hot kid in the Sainsbury's advert. He's my everything; he makes me feel so alive. (Throwing in a bit of the Crue there for you.) I want him to know that so when I see him on Tuesday and throw myself at him, he won't push me off and scorn for holding him too tight- he'll hold on right back and wish I'll never let go.

Talk soon, loves. -xx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/16962142/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/16962142/ Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:15:45 PST
I'll probably only be updating this, though. Motivation for anything else at all has gone right out the window. Maybe, by writing this, my ability to write 'anything else' will return to me.

So, what's happened over the past month? Quite a bit, I suppose. Remember those two friends who weren't speaking? They are again. A random snog at my house last week made them real friends. It was slightly bizarre as he's my boyfriend, and she's my best friend with a boyfriend of a year. Neither of us other halves said anything about it though. I guess we're all just that close.

This best friend (Nessa, I think I've named her here) has been a bit off recently. Everyone's noticed it, yet nobody knows what's up with her. She's been slightly... Dare I say, up herself. As if only she and her views are in any way relevant. I hope it's 'just a phase', as some would put it. I'm slightly worried, though, that it could be permanent...

'Lewis' has been amazing. There was a major loss in his family about a week ago, yet he's still treated me like a princess. We all went to London on a school trip last week, and despite 'Nessa' being a bitch towards me, he stood by me and made my time in my favourite place the world magical. We kissed at the top of the Eye, which was just amazing. On Valentine's Day, he wasn't allowed to come and see me; at 10 past 5, he turned up on my doorstep with a big red bag of presents. We've been so perfect together recently. He's so perfect. I know I'm being soppy and completely cliché, but that's just me all over. I'm totally and honestly in love with him. He's my everything. <3

Chris should get his own paragraph, really. He's just a fluffy ball of love. If I ever need a cuddle, Chris is the one I go to: especially with him living so close to me. We have some really good chats. They used to be mostly about sex, but he's completely bored of the idea now. Who knows what else we can talk about? He's just like a puppy. It's very hard not to love him.

I've started to give you unimportant information. I should stop while I'm ahead.

I'll write soon. -xx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/16387771/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/16387771/ Sun, 13 Jan 2008 12:50:00 PST
It's nothing personal to those who've lived here for years, of course. Just personally, I prefer Mibba. There's less anime. (Again, nothing personal. I'm just not a fan of anime, and there's a lot of it on DA!)

Due to this, I'm leaving. I'll close my account, and carry on my life as a writer over on Mibba. To the one person who messaged me, thank you very much. I'm glad you liked me.

So thanks DA. See you later.

XXX

UPDATE.
Apparently, DA doesn't allow closing of accounts. Therefore, I won't be deleting xNowOrNever. However I won't be back. Consider me gone.

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/16341953/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/16341953/ Thu, 10 Jan 2008 10:30:58 PST
I can't believe it's ten to six already. I'm supposed to be evaluating my Drama (I've been writing this portfolio for three weeks now- it's in for tomorrow) but I am really not in the mood. Thank God I was ill yesterday, or I'd have even more to do now.

Today has been strange. Two of my best friends haven't been speaking for a few weeks now, and there's nothing I can do about it. It sparked from not very much, yet it's the longest time they've not been friends in over a year. One of them (Let's call her Vanessa- or Nessa.) started to cry at school today. He (who shall be known as Lewis) has no idea of this- it was after school, once he'd gone home. I just don't think he realises how much he's hurting her, just by ignoring her efforts at friendship.

I've not told you anything about me. How rude. I'm 16 years old, in my final year of High School. I have amazing friends; 4 of which I possibly couldn't live with out. I'm a very open person, so get very frustrated with people who insist on keeping everything inside, brewing until it reaches boiling point. I'm a good listener, but have the tendancy to help without being asked to. My best tactic is to openly discuss the issue, leaving people feeling slightly awkward so they feel they have to fix things before I embarass them even more. This works around 90% of the time; unless the argument was serious, or I'm dealing with stubborn people. =]

I like to read. Cecilia Ahern is definitely my favourite author; PS I Love You made me cry at least 6 times. I like to write, but only when I want to. If I start a story, it will most likely never be finished. This is why I stick to short stories, or 'one shots'.

I think that's all you really need to know. Oh, apart from those 4 friends I mentioned: Nessa, Lewis, Louise and Christian. Nessa and Christian have been together for almost a year, and I have been in love with Lewis around 4 1/2 months. He's known for about 3 of them. =]

I have to finish this Drama now. Only one more paragraph to go, and then I can congratulate myself with a cup of tea.

Goodbye, my loves. -xx

]]> ~xNowOrNever http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/16298177/ http://xNowOrNever.deviantart.com/journal/16298177/ Mon, 07 Jan 2008 08:58:01 PST
I've been here about a week now: posted two pieces of writing, commented a few people's profiles, and thrown reams of adoration at some of the work on here.

However, I've noticed that people aren't really like that here. The people I've found tend to keep to themselves, unless talking to someone they know on the outside world. This says to me that deviantART is a very private place. A place where I could admit my deepest, darkest secrets and no one would either notice or, if they happened to stumble across my profile, bat an eyelid.

As someone who usually loves the attention of others and is constantly in conversation, this is different to what I'm used to. But I think I like that.

I think I'll be writing in this journal more often. =]

Over and out. -xx

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