http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:xbleedingcherryx&section=today deviantART RSS for by:xbleedingcherryx en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 23 Dec 2009 02:55:48 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/4680633/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/4680633/ Sat, 26 Feb 2005 19:52:31 PST
I doubt this lately...I really do. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3788121/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3788121/ Mon, 08 Nov 2004 18:40:07 PST

01: what is your first memory of me:
02: how long have we been friends:
03: tell about one memory we share together:
04: describe me in four adjectives:
05: if we could spend a day together what would we do:
06: name one thing you really don't like about me:
07: name one thing you really do like about me:
08: if you could give me a gift what would it be:
09: have we ever gotten in a fight & about what:
10: have we ever hugged:
11: have we ever danced with each other:
12: have you ever seen me cry:
13: have i ever offended you:
14: what is something embarrassing that i've done:
15: what do i usually look like when you see me:
16: what do i say all the time\whats my catch phrase:
17: do you think we will be friends in 5 years:
18: do you think i am bitchy:
19: has there been anything you wanted to tell me, but didn't:
20: what advice would you give me, in general:
21: wanna make out:
22: suggest a band / cd for me to listen to:
23: is there a song that reminds you of me: ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3400584/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3400584/ Sun, 19 Sep 2004 16:39:34 PDT
If anyone's done this before...feel free to leave tid bits of advice! It would be much appreciated! ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3300722/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3300722/ Mon, 06 Sep 2004 13:54:23 PDT
I update more often on my Livejournal account:

[link]

It's been a pretty laid back summer...I've done all of nothing. 3 long months of nothing. I've written some, but hopefully I'll write more this year during the skool year. Maybe I'll be more inspired...for the better. That would be nice. I would love to do more photography, buuuuuuuuuut I want a camera...none of this stupid digi-cam stuff...I'm not a big fan of digital. It's like a shortcut to art.

But I have no money for a new camera...nor do I know how to develop pictues myself.

*sigh*

One day........

Take Care All

Love You
<3
]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3174304/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3174304/ Fri, 20 Aug 2004 16:30:12 PDT
Nick was supposed to phone at 3...it's 7:30...

I'm running low on Tylenol 3's...I need more Codiene...please

I'm going to go back to bed...I'm sore

Maybe I'll loose some weight this way...YAY!

Oh Sunday's the 1 month anniversary with Nick...shall be interesting...

Take Care

xOxO ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3127837/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3127837/ Sat, 14 Aug 2004 22:16:19 PDT I was silent
I cried
The phone beeped [he had to answer it]
Called me back
I cried some more
Still speechless
He cried
He comforted me
[He has this effect of making everything seem alright]

We both cried

[this is a first for me]

I like it and so does he.
We're happy, he patient with my difficult self.

He cradles my disorder as if it's his own [so delicately]
He cradles me as if I was his life [he told me I was his everything]

I make him tingle, He makes me shake.
Together we conquor all
[Love]

You think you know [but you have no idea]

I
<3
.
.
.
Him ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3109687/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3109687/ Thu, 12 Aug 2004 16:54:51 PDT but i aint scared of loving you
baby i know your afraid of a lot of things
but don't be scared of love
cause people will say all kinds of things
that don't mean a dam to me
cause all i see is what's in front of me
and thats you

well, ive been dragged all over the place
ive taken hits time just don't erase
and baby i can see you've been fucked with too
but that don't mean your loving days are through
cause people will say all kinds of things
that don't mean a dam to me
cause all i see is what's in front of me
and thats you

well i may be just a fool
but i know were just as cool
and cool kids they belong together

~Yeah Yeah Yeahs ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3044356/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/3044356/ Wed, 04 Aug 2004 19:33:35 PDT
I've had a lot of me time, which is what I've needed. It's sad to think that I have to go back to skool in less than a month...I want to see everyone but I'm not looking forward to the stress...grrr.....*shakes fist*

I don't have much more to say so keep me updated with all of you kids



XOXO

Kristal ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2983329/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2983329/ Tue, 27 Jul 2004 20:53:33 PDT

]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2915185/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2915185/ Sun, 18 Jul 2004 23:02:56 PDT You stated your choice time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like i'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was


You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if i love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than i gave you credit for

That's not lip service


You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that i've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

-------

yknow know it...it's Alaniss ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2906786/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2906786/ Sat, 17 Jul 2004 20:34:31 PDT ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2875560/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2875560/ Tue, 13 Jul 2004 20:17:47 PDT
- "He" is single
- I've (FINALLY) posted some new stuff, it's rather pathetic
- I need more money
- I'm still learning how to play the guitar
- start councelling tomorrow *rolls eyes*
- I get to see a doctor about my wisdom teeth *runs away*

oh and for a more detailed journal, I have gotten myself a little livejournal....it's x_ladyscarlet_x (wow...advertising...meh, not a big fan) yeah shit happens...

Take Care
XOXO
]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2818796/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2818796/ Tue, 06 Jul 2004 16:20:10 PDT
basically what happened this time was that i met this new kid, Brad, and well brad was a good kid, so brad aparently liked me and well i was told this and so i explored this brad character and well...started to like him obviously, so...it wavered, he was shy as hell and i didn't really believe he liked me mostly because i thought he liked laura, but i continued to like him, and well, long story short, he said he didn't want to have a relationship with anyone.

so now i haven't seen him in awhile, and i go out of town and come back to him going out with one of laura's close friends...

*rolls eyes*

so much for not wanting to be in a relationship?

and that's what i hate the most out of these stupid boy situations...people get my hopes up, and then the fall down on he hard.


meh... ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2783087/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2783087/ Thu, 01 Jul 2004 20:27:27 PDT
this is whats new...

i got inked (the word Femina which is latin for woman down my hip bone)
i'm in hamilton (my grandrent's 50th anniversary)
i did a lot of shopping lately
my cousin came out from vancouver
i work too much (still...i know)
i'm going to re-dye the hair (3 different colours)
i like someone (but will stay far away)

...and finally, i'm too emo for words...

(yes i admit it...ewww i know)

TAKE CARE

XOXO
Kristal ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2682447/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2682447/ Thu, 17 Jun 2004 12:42:53 PDT
If I had the chance to take everyone's yearbook and spend the entire day with it, then I would becuase I'd be able to write what I really want to say about each person.

As for the crazy english summative, my big paper on Leonard Cohen....170/170...which means 100% YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! I worked damn hard for that, and I'm really proud.

I had to go in today, eventhough I didn't have an exam, because I had to clean out my locker AND THERE'S STILL STUFF IN IT!!!! *cough cough* LAURA!!!!

Oh man....my ex-best friend showed up today....i was a cold-hearted bitch as usual. If i had have known...I would have left skool just a little earlier...but noo...oh well whatever :rolls eyes:

BUTTT....on a higher note...my cousin from Vancouver's coming to stay for 2 weeks and i'm excited....wUrd up

well that's about all for now...there might be more later....on a special someone.....shhhhhhh

XOXO
Kristal
]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2638705/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2638705/ Fri, 11 Jun 2004 19:25:11 PDT
.

.

. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2564305/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2564305/ Wed, 02 Jun 2004 06:55:04 PDT
I need all your help in helping me to pick out my Top 5 poems....this would mean the world to me!!!!!

ANd I promise I'll start commenting again, I just haven't had ANY time what so ever and my internet is down because we just moved so I've been doing what I can. And I promise to start submitting more, I just haven't really been inspired lately, too much work happening!

-shrugs-

Until next time, take it easy!

XOXO
&
Kristal ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2503414/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2503414/ Tue, 25 May 2004 05:52:23 PDT
I had my cast party this past long weekend, and well....it was interesting. I walked in the door was saw a grade 9 already drunk off her ass after one drink -shifty eyes- but overall it will be a good memory.

Good people...Good food...Good laughs

I'll miss my cast, but considering I go to skool with all of them (except for my director Lesley-Anne) it shouldn't be too heart renching.

so...as always....just meh.

XOXO ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2380773/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2380773/ Fri, 07 May 2004 17:55:54 PDT And I wonder how you're going on,
With your life in the deep end
Was it everything you wanted it to be?

{Am I still not everything you wanted?}

My head is spinning in circles
Flattening out the smile lines and closing the doors

{My exit sigh has lit up}

The grass is greener, now that I'm on the other side
but the sky still seems dark

{My hair darker}

My scars seem to bleed a little faster
A little darker
A little deeper

{Shimmery Crimson Porn}

Have you been sleeping lately?
I know I havn't
My skin is pale

{My dreams are dry}

Electric Eel
Sushi Flower
Cherry Rain

{My mask changes}

And you have no memory ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2360615/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2360615/ Tue, 04 May 2004 18:14:34 PDT




Left of the middle...That's where you'll find me





Secluded ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2244409/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2244409/ Sat, 17 Apr 2004 18:33:39 PDT And the night will come,
Slowely as we sleep
And we'll wrap ourselves in a blanket of stars
Tracing the constilations on our bodies
We'll stare off into the moonlight,
And wait for the sun to rise
Counting how many times I love you,
Fingers and toes
Realizing you are more than a lover...
But an exception to the rule

~written by me... ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2224042/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2224042/ Wed, 14 Apr 2004 17:22:23 PDT Dark Wood, Dark Water

This wood burns a dark
Incense. Pale moss drips
In elbow-scarves, beards

From the archaic
Bones of the great trees.
Blue mists move over

A lake thick with fish.
Snails scroll the border
Of the glazed water

With coils of ram's-horn.
Out in the open
Down there the late year

Hammers her rare and
Various metals.
Old pewter roots twist

Up from the jet-backed
Mirror of water
And while the air's clear

Hourglass sifts a
Drift of goldpieces
Bright waterlights are

Sliding their quoits one
After the other
Down boles of the fir. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2201867/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2201867/ Sun, 11 Apr 2004 17:53:12 PDT
I'm cutting off boys...for good.

Sorry, it's a personal thing I have to do for clarity.

Take Care,
Kristal ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2186751/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2186751/ Fri, 09 Apr 2004 14:39:29 PDT Tired with all cares and thoughts. I've given up on somethings, some good...some upsetting.

Yearbook is finally the fuck over. I started loosing my mind while we finished up everything last night.

Skool is on it's way...ahead of me.

My teacher seems to think I need a life..."You need a boyfriend" he told me last night (Yearbook teacher.

Hellooo...Like I haven't been trying. And no, mohawk boy didn't work out because aparently, From one side of Ottawa
to another is "Long Distance" It takes 1 hour to get from one side to another...BY BUS. whatever...his loss, right Laura?

My life doesn't need something like a "boyfriend" to be complete, does it? Why can't it just be complete with
what I choose to do in my life? My life is busy, you want me...better get moving to catch up!

I had another dream about running away from my father last night. It was odd, I don't remember ever having one, but everything
in the dream seemed so familiar, and I knew it had already happened once before in a dream. The dream always seems to want to take place in another country,
doing the tourist thing, but then always ends up on Greenbank Road (In barrhaven).

-shrugs-

Take an obsessive amount of care & Keep flying.

Kristal ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2138705/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2138705/ Fri, 02 Apr 2004 16:50:21 PST
AND WOW....it was sooo fucking good. I mean Brody was just an orgasm and a half...and so was the rest of the band too! Man...i went with a beige bra on and a white wife beater...and came out with a black bra and a stretched black beater. Man...it was soooo sick, but sooo fucking worth it. I mean, I may be small but i can push myself ALL the way to the front of the stage.

The show was soo much of a stress releaver. I mean with yearbook fucking up my life, I was gonna shoot everyone involved in yearbook. But since I went in the pit at the show...i've used all my muscle strength to the max.

MY GOD IT WAS SOOO FUCKING GOOD!

And I hope Laura had the best time of her fucking life!

mmmmm....Brody.... ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2100538/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2100538/ Sun, 28 Mar 2004 09:07:09 PST
Anyways....So I was supposed to meet pretty boy last night with Elly and Laura. But Laura ended up getting sick, and pretty boy...well I'm still not to sure about what happened to him -shrugs-

I was disappointed, but then as Elly and I were walking downtown, we decided to go see a movie. So we say Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Tis one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. The last movie that I saw in theaters that was amazing was Kill Bill, so it's been awhile...

Elly and I both looked soooo hot, and even though our original plans fell through, it was still an amazing night. I mean quality time well spent. Without boys. I'll eventually meet pretty boy...one day.

I hope Laura's feeling better, and I hope Jeff (pretty boy) is alright. Haha He probably thinks I stood him up....WHICH I DIDN'T, but meh...the feeling was mutual.

This is pretty much a pointless journal but I felt the need for an update.

Cheers,

Kristal

XOXO ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2084549/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2084549/ Thu, 25 Mar 2004 18:17:44 PST

But tomorrow's the fashion show...with xmisusednoveltyx and Elly, and they're going to be absolutely amazing and I can't wait, and man...then I get to sleep...Mmm....sleep....havn't seen much of that lately!

And once again....my father's trying to buy my love and refuses to admit i have feeling, and my mother doesn't control them.

Oh Oh Oh and then I get to meet pretty boy on saturday (Not the one from my last one, but this one has a mohawk)!

Ahhh well,
Until next time kids!

Kristal

XOXO ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2033206/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/2033206/ Wed, 17 Mar 2004 20:30:51 PST
Sooo fucking pretty...I mean pretties thing I've EVER seen.

Pink hair...BRIGHT blue eyes....lip piercing....Mmmmmmmm ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1982550/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1982550/ Tue, 09 Mar 2004 17:47:24 PST



OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE YOU SOO MUCH, STOP SCARING ME TO DEATH WOMAN!!!!!

no honestly, you taught me to love and now you're stuck with me lovng you...like it or not! You can make me smile, you can make me cry, you can make me laugh until i want to piss myself, and you make me feel wanted, you hold me up when i am down and you suck me out when I am drowning, you've held my hand and kissed me good bye, but never permanently. And if it was permanently, I think I would have to kill myself, and no joke, I would. And it would be easy because then i would be with you. so anything and I'll fall to my knees and drop everything for you in an instant.

So yes, I want to stop this misunderstanding of ours because that's all it is...a misunderstanding. IT IS NOT A FIGHT, because I won't let it become one. Not like what happened between you and another female frield, I wouldn't want to loose something I clench onto soo tight. That is you incase you didn't realize. You and Elly and Larissa and fuck just everyone else who can stand me, who doesn't hate me, who even remotely likes me (i.e. the people in our "posse") are the the kindest most caring best people in the world and if I needed to, I would die for all of you.

I love you, there I said it, I believe in it, happy?
You made it true, and everyone who has shown me the path.
So now, I apologize for everything and I thank you with all my heart.

Thank you ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1976259/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1976259/ Mon, 08 Mar 2004 17:44:41 PST
So for the record...I'm not a slut, I'm actually the biggest VIRGIN ever. This is not a joke, it's the bitter truth. I'm not good enough to be a slut thank you very much. So maybe things will calm down, eventually, but for now I guess I'll just deal when I have the term SLUT or WHORE yelled at me, and it's not a joke from one of my friends. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1970382/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1970382/ Sun, 07 Mar 2004 19:26:53 PST ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1953532/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1953532/ Thu, 04 Mar 2004 20:08:28 PST suicide...or maybe a little more like Ophelia (who has).

I'm finding it hard to determine my dreams/thoughts from reality, and I fear it's only getting worse...I'm heading down the spiral yet again...

I blame my fear, the only one that I have, for twisting my thoughts and making me co-dependent on things which actually don't exist in real life. For those of you who don't know what my biggest fear is, it's the feeling of isolation in my mind. Being cut off from all reality, basically being alone. I wonder if there's a special term for that...like how people who are afraid of closed in spaces are called Clausterphobic. If any one knows, please let me know as well. It will be useful for when I go to therapy...
Speaking of which, I can't continue at the CHEO, so I think they're sending me to the ROH (scariest place ever) for therapy sessions. They also want me to participate in group therapy with people aged 17-20...could be interesting...but i'm a little reluctent.

I've also discovered some of my opinions and how strong of an effect they actually have one me. I was having a conversation with ~school the other night and I told him how I don't believe in love and how it doesn't exist...I'm indifferent to that opinion now, and I want to apologize to ~school for what I said. It was a biased opinion, and I'm not biased. But I don't apologize for it entirely, because it was partially true. What I need to change is the wording...I have a hard time trusting men, basically because as most of you may have read (a) my last journal, and (b) my newest submission, the person who I am supposed to be closest to in my life (in male form) is non-existant. And that hurts, and no one can feel the way I'm feeling.
They say...oh forgive him...but it's not that easy. I'm stubborn and so is he (gee I wonder which parent I get that from...) He has NEVER apologized for anything in his life, fucking the system, hurting my mother (who means the world to me, but doesn't know it). I hold him down for things he doesn't even know I know about. I lost how my grandparent's gossip, especially my grandfather...he's great for bashing my father.

My step father isn't any better...he's not off the hook. There has always been this tension between us. Unexplainable really. When they got married i think i was 4 or 5, and I remember crying at the wedding.
"Why are you crying darling?" asked my grandmother.
"I don't know" I replied.
"Oh it's because you're happy for your mother." she said.
"No it isn't, I hate this, I don't want them to get married." was my reasoning, but she didn't believe me :shrugs:
I wonder who was right in the end...

The feeling of being alone petrifys me. It makes me think of Tom and how much I miss him. Of how I wish he was with me and holding me soo close as to never let go, ever. I know he's still in my heart, but I miss his presence, when he would just be there with me, when I felt alone or scared, he would show up. He was my safety blanket. I want someone like that, because I am vulnerable, I am weak, I am frigale and you have to be cafeful as to not let me slip and fall because I will break, and nothing can repare me.

Not even carpenter's glue, haha laura and her hair......

The only people in my life I love, are female. This doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, just that I can place my full trust in women and they will cradle me. Thank you all who have been kind and loving towards me, you have no idea how much you all have effected my life. May the stars shine upon each and every one of you, and may them shine on you with ever lasting light.

I'm sorry if I've ever lashed out on anyone for no particular reason lately...i still cannot justify myself. I'm afraid I never will be able to either...


On a higher note, for those of you who don't know...Laura (~xmisusednoveltyx) 's Birthday is approaching (March 31st) so I want everyone to send her some love and wish her all the best. Haha I have a present...but i'm keeping it on the downlow. And for those of you who already know what is it....KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT!/i> hehe...it's better that way

Well, if you ACTUALLY took time to read this, I'm sorry. I know it was long but I needed to let it out, and I didn't feel like putting it in a prose format so meh...it's here. Like it or not!

Love you (there I said it...happy?)

Cheers
XOXO
http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1895648/ Mon, 23 Feb 2004 18:10:43 PST I’ll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.
Maybe when you find out that I’m dead, you’ll realize what you did to me.
And if my lungs still let me breathe, would you be there for me?
If I can make myself believe, I’ll give you back what you took away. No, I won’t let it go.
Douse myself in gasoline.
So don’t save me when you come into the fire.
I’d rather die than have to see your smile.
You made me swear.
I can’t sleep.
Realize all these things that you took from me.
Smash my heart into dust.
Suffocate my mind.
Tear at me from inside.
Smash apart what you created.
How can I ever stop you from crushing my soul?
It was yours to begin with.

~Silverstein

--------------------------

I thought I should post this because it reminds me of my relationship with my father.

...mistake... ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1867340/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1867340/ Wed, 18 Feb 2004 15:22:02 PST
I hope you all are well, I'm been busy as a bee lately and tired as hell. Haha 24 hours is not enough time in one day....seriously. I wish I could be like the girl in Empire Records who is like "There are 24 useful hours in everyday, and I plan to use all of them." Or something close to that...

Wow I need some coffee and I need to exhale.

I want to thank everyone who takes time out of their busy schedules to look at my stuff! Your comments do not go unnoticed or unappreciated. Thanks to my wife ( xmisusednoveltyx), my Valentine (you know who you are), my sluts ( try-and-please-me & wishididntwakeup ), and to everyone else who has been who has been with me for awhile. You are all like my extended family. And if I didn't mention your name, but I obviously love you when I comment, I'm sooo terribly sorry. BUT I STILL LOVE YOU TO DEATH

I'm finding I'm a lot less tense this semester, it's probably because of my first period spare, where I can actually take time out of my life and just relax and breathe and talk to some of my friends. I love my school soo much *GO CANTERBURY HIGH SCHOOL* < ------WOW that soo make me sound like a fucking cheerleader, which is funny because we don't have cheerleaders...infact, we hardly have any sports worth calling sports! I love my Art school sooo fucking much, it's so great! We're all free spirited and experimental. But what sucks is that I won't be graduating when I am supposed to graduate. The school seems to already have planned out that I'm going to return for a victory lap!?!?!? I'll have the chance to get involved with great oppertunities through Co-Op, and Peer Tutoring the Music Theatre class (which will give me a good reference if I want to go into any Theatre/ Drama program) and like I can take a bird course like Dance or Visual Art or anything really.

The truth is I really cannot wait until I can leave home, wow will that be exciting! For those of you who don't know I have 7 other family members living with me, so I really am getting fed up with them.

I go to see my psychiatrist for the last time soon, it will be sad because then I will have to start all over with someone new...and I hate talking to people I don't know. I've been seeing my doctor now for 3 months and he has told me that I havn't improved within those 3 months, thus he is refering me to someone else. My fingers are crossed. It's so scary and extremely sad to think that I havn't improved in 3 months and that my doctor doesn't know what to do with me. And it's scary to think of where I might end up. Or what they might do even. I need to cry, but I can't.

So I'm getting to the end of my thoughts and I should be posting more stuff soon, I just need to find the time and the willpower to actually do it.

Dammit I have no cash, I need a fucking job!!!

Ahhhhh welllllll......

Cheers kids, take it easy

]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1845909/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1845909/ Sat, 14 Feb 2004 18:16:39 PST
Happy?????

OK wow i feel like shit today, all the anticipation up until today has been sooo fucking crappy. I hate it. The grocery store's were all decked out even, I mean it's sooo over commercialized...grrrr...makes me want to bite someone's : place body part here : off!!!

I'm soo bitter it's horrible. I want someone to buy me roses...


Ahhh Fuck It All. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1814285/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1814285/ Sun, 08 Feb 2004 17:41:15 PST The same song over and over...

I have memories running through my mind, old dark pictures or what i thought i was over. Hoping i didn't have to rely on sharp objects ot Tom to save me.

Tom has vanished but i want him back sooo badly. So have him in the same room as me was enough comfort, but my doctor the shit brain made him go away " For my own Benefit" he said. He made me feel safe, I didn't have to act around him. It was like he held me away from all my fears and the darkness. I miss him so much, he was mine. He was my one and only, and I FUCKING MISS HIM. God why don't people understand that? Why can't he still be with me? Why is he gone? What's wrong with me? I loved him and he loved me. The only real love i've ever felt. But it wasn't real, it was only an oasis. Shading me from my harsh reality. Why can't he come back to me? Why did he leave me alone? He never said goodbye. He vanished into nothingness. I couldn't feel his touch anymore. OR his comfort for that matter.

I've never felt so alone in my whole life. Never.

They took everything, Fucking everything.

I have no substance, no meaning. I am nothing, and I am only drifting farther away. Nothing will make me happy until Tom returns, and he will, one day.

It's so hard not to give into the temptation. The slick blade, the sharpness. If I cannot feel love, let me feel alive. Show me my self, my inner self, what flows through me. GOD I HATE BEING LIKE THIS. But i fear this is something I'll never get over.Something that will be with me until the end of time.

I will have the scars on my skin and the bruises in my mind to show the truth. Words do not lie, stupid people who are blinded by life lie. They lie to themselves and to everyone else around them.

Are you happy? ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1763372/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1763372/ Thu, 29 Jan 2004 16:53:12 PST
I want her to know that I will always love her, no matter what.
I will always be here for her, no matter what.

---

I'm on the phone with her at the moment, and we're just sitting. I'm listening to her breathe and trying to comfort her. I'm trying my best, and I hope I'm helping. I hate to see her sad and hear her cry.

---

I love you.
]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1757396/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1757396/ Wed, 28 Jan 2004 14:56:39 PST
This angers me, because all they had to do was send me a note saying if you do not change which category this belongs in then it will eventually be deleted, Did they???? NO! They just deleted it, because of there no tolerance something or other. Sooo now...I feel like shit.

Thanks to DeviantART for being soo supporting!!!!!
: rolls eyes :

All of those pieces ment a hell of alot to me, some were EXTREMELY personal. this makes me pretty damn sad at the moment.

*tear*

Holy Crap.....Blaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ahhhh...I don't feel like talking about anything else really........
Reply if you care ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1744377/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1744377/ Mon, 26 Jan 2004 11:19:20 PST
I stare as my weak knees wilt
longing trying to touch the embrace that has left me
and I had you
and your kindness was there
now pieces of you hate me
I am not a portrait on your heart no more
but I still kiss the feelings that emerge from my pulse
and memories seep from my eyes
knowing that love has gone further
than my soft hand can reach
the utmost apology is what I can lay on your face but
will you still swallow me whole?
nothing can compare
and you continue to dance in me
and I continue to bleed
but nothing can compare
I have killed the one thing that exceeds my existence

~Walls of Jericho ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1738363/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1738363/ Sun, 25 Jan 2004 09:49:48 PST
He has a girlfriend, so there's no use for me even telling him, is there?

I don't want anything to change, I like the way things are between us, I just wish we could be closer. I mean, I'm not going to ask him to marry me. We'lll who knows, I need to be patient. But I lack patience. So once again I'm screwed.

So much has changed over the past year, I've gone psycho (literally) and I've lost people whom I never intended on loosing. I've changed and I guess it's for worse, because apparently, I think I'm above everyone. That's sad and pathetic, that someone would even think of me that way.

This feeling makes me worse, it makes me sicker inside. I want the easy way out, basically because it's a way out. Most of you who are reading this should know what I'm talking about. Some of you who don't know me too well will probably question my sanity, over and over again.

So I have to accept that I am alone, no matter what anyone says. I will be alone, forever, and I will never stop being compassionate. No matter what. I will forever continue to love anyone who deserves to be loved, and I don't hope I sound like Jesus or anyone because I'm saying this.

They say, situations like this help you to grow, but then why do I feel like I'm shrinking? I will be damned.

And so will you. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1738027/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1738027/ Sun, 25 Jan 2004 08:30:50 PST
Meh, I'm lazy and I'm bored, but I don't want to return to skool. I want my friends......................... ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1738019/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1738019/ Sun, 25 Jan 2004 08:29:27 PST 100 things about me
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold are false


01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love psychodelic mushrooms
04. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books
06. I once slept in a toilet
07. I love playing video games
08. I adore marijuana
09. I watch porn movies
10. I watch them with my father
11. I like sharks
12. I love spiders, I think they're adorable, especially the ones with bright colours on their backs
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair
14. I like J. Bush
15. People are cool
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have jacuzzi and a Porsche
18. I have a lot to learn
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself
20. I'm really really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret
23. I hate snow
24. I drink only milk (not only... but i love it)
25. Punk rock rules
26. I hate Bill Gates! (who doesn't?)
27. I love Chinese food
28. I would hate to be famous
29. I am not a morning person
30. I wear glasses
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses
32. I have potential in what??
33. I'm pure Japanese
34. My legs are two different sizes i refuse to believe my legs are identical..
35. I have a twin
36. I wear a padded bra
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing
38. I'm left-handed
39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them
40. I don't like horror movies
41. I suck at climbing, but I love it anyway
42. People hate me usually
43. I love pop music
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight
45. I hate parking fines
46. I know national anthem of my country by heart (no... definitely not)
47. I know more than two languages
48. I spend too much time on the computer
49. I often want to throw out the computer in a window
50. I live on a ground floor
51. I don't like chocolate of course i do...
52. I'd like to be more original
53. I've lied
54. Cocks are my favorite birds
55. I want to conquer the world
56. I wonder what happens when you die (... i love surprises)
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter
58. Eat your dog!
59. I love to exercise
60. I hate chemistry with a passion
61. I love to write
62. I like changes
63. I hate going to class
64. I am afraid to die (... too soon)
65. I hate dish washing
66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly(I'm also bright red, at the moment)
67. My nails are nine inch long
68. My favorite color is black
69. I like to sleep on the floor
70. I am hopeless at cooking
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little.
72. I should be doing somehting else rather than writing this
73. I am online a lot, but not in MSN
74. I hate government
75. I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend (sadly enuff, the one I long for is occupied)
76. I'm too nice for my own good.
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can
78. I don't trust newspapers (but i read them nevertheless)
79. I like debating
80. I live in a vagon
81. I clean my room once a month
82. I'm scared of american fast food
83. I have a third eye
84. I love Mozambique
85. I don't trust any religion
86. I used to play with barbies because all the other girls were doing it
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little.
88. I like listening to wind chimes
89. I'm very disorganized
90. My hair is long and straight
91. I earn a lot
92. I don't like spicy food
93. I keep a diary
94. I can't do cartwheels
95. I am very lazy
96. I'm sarcastic
97. I think my hair is annoying(there's too much, I don't know what to do with it)
98. I'm very sensitive
99. I love being "ab-normal"
100. My left eye is violet and my right eye is a light blue. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1730407/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1730407/ Fri, 23 Jan 2004 16:34:30 PST
So I'm letting the world bring me down again...FUCK.

I was taking the bus home from my friends house today and I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I was too busy screaming inside to realize I didn't have a voice. I think I have a phobia of people, but only to a certain extent. I really want any kind of sharp object right about now, and who knows what might happen later tonight.

I think I'm beginning to have feelings for someone, and this someone is probably someone I shouldn't have feelings for. He's a friend (I hope) but I'm a pussy and afraid of what me might say, let alone do. I have cravings for him, kind of like chocolate, even though nothing has ever happened. My close friends aren't quite excited about the person, but I don't know how to stop the way I feel about him. I see him mostly everyday, and he's kind of hard to ignore, plus that would only be denial. Who cares anyway, whoever's reading this sure as hell won't. And if the "someone" ever sees this (which I doubt he will, bc he doesn't have an account), than I hope he doesn't ignore the fact, or me for that matter. My destiny is to end up alone...

How come we cannot choose who we are related to? For instance way do you have to talk to someone you hate (I mean REALLY REALLY HATE) jst because you're related to him/her? For me it's my father, god I cannot stand that man, and god only knows why he's still alive and why I havn't killed him quite yet. Wow...I'm sooo psycho, I dream about killing people. That's sad, especially when he's the person who helped to create me.

So I'm probably getting boring at this point, so I'll leave. Write a comment if you care enough, call me if you could care less.

xCHEERSx ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1728177/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1728177/ Fri, 23 Jan 2004 07:48:22 PST ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1713884/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1713884/ Tue, 20 Jan 2004 17:50:06 PST
What else should I be
All apologies
What else should I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
I'm married
Buried

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezeburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

[Repeat Chorus]

I'm married
Buried, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

All in all we all are

: nIRVANA: ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1713840/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1713840/ Tue, 20 Jan 2004 17:42:18 PST ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1662625/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1662625/ Sun, 11 Jan 2004 09:05:33 PST
I've been abused so many times by my family members. Not physically, but mentally. I've be called a Stupid Shit countless times within my lifetime, and been yelled at so many times, it becomes priceless. I pertained myself to be strong. I told everyone I was, but it was just a wall for me to hide behind. I'm weak.

Weak to my core.

I've been listening to 14 Scars by Closer Than Kin (thanks to Laura's amazing boyfriend) and I want to scream, but my outter shell won't let me. I'm screaming inside right now as I write this, but I still show no expression. My writing has been shit, all along, no matter what any one says. It's not interesting, just shit. Like me. Why don't I have a voice? Why can't I be heard? Why am I such a failure?

Why am I so alone?

I want to use a disposable razor, which sits next to me. Wanting me to take the safety cover off and to place it on my bare arms. I want to apply pressure. But I cannot put myself through this. I'll just disappoint people even more. It's what I do. I am a huge disappointment, in many people's eyes. Mainly my family, My father, My friends, My skool. I am nothing to them. Just a candle waiting to burn out. Dying as I type these words. I have no real purpose. I have no feeling. There is no point. I want to be left alone, want to be me. I want to fly away and leave where I sit and wallow in my own self-pity. I want to start again, without all the condesending shit. I don't want to be forced to rebel. I don't want stupid drugs that just fuck you up even more. I just want to live and be free, which is entirely impossible. So I ask the question, what's the point? I know I might get messages back saying all these comments about how I should embrace life and not waste it. But to me, that's what life is, a waste. I am taking up air space for someone else who could be enjoying a life. Me, I'm just ruining it. I need to be locked up. I want the quiet room laura, I need it. Maybe then I will have a voice to use. Some of you will read this for the first time and not understand, but some will understand perfectly. Erica, do not be scared. Do not share this with your family, because it will probably scare them. I do not want to hurt any more people.

This is my cheers,
This is my swan song.

Kristal ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1640438/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1640438/ Tue, 06 Jan 2004 20:03:32 PST

So i'm pretty sure you can guess that I feel shitty. I don't really know why. Maybe it's part of my depression or the fact that I cannot even make smart decisions about who I am. I'm disappointed with not knowing who I am at this stage in my life. And mean in every way possible. Am I straight? Am I Bi? I don't think I'm a lesbian, bc I like boys too much. And is this what...Don't give Kristal any action lifetime or something??? God I need ACTION!!! In many ways...

I've also realized that the first rule of life is always true NO MATTER WHAT. The first rule of life, incase you do not know is, People are stupid. Plain and Simple.

Whatever, I'm pissed and sad and everything in between. I'm mad at people, I would never usually be mad at. And I feel closer to people I don't normally hang out with too much. At least I'm still being social and not sitting in a corner thinking. Bc thinking for me is B-A-D.

Well I'll probably write some more stuff tonite and put it up tomorrow maybe, after i go to the hospital to see my god damned psychiatrist...Yippeeee!!!!

So whatever...

Kristal ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1639007/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1639007/ Tue, 06 Jan 2004 15:20:57 PST
Love You All!

Cheers,

Kristal ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1614941/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1614941/ Thu, 01 Jan 2004 16:24:10 PST
I was thiinking, I could vanish myself from this earth on New Years, but I won't bc it would obviously be for attention. Which has nothing to do with what migh happen. But then I look back and think about my family who aparently loves me and all my friends who support me and I have to stop to ask myself why I even feel this way in the first place? Then I remember it's due to a stupid chemical imbalance and a mixture of drugs that I'm on. I can't help the way I feel most of the time, no one really can. It happens inside oneself and works its way to the outer physique of the human body creating visible emotions. This is the way I see myself as healthy, maybe this doesn't work for everyone, but at least I feel secure, which feels like the greatest thing in the world when your biggerst fear is ending up alone.

So I have a whole bunch of relatives coming up tomorrow and some of them I adore and some not soo much. But i'll put up with it and maybe add some more art to my page and try to concentrate of finding out Who I Am? for homework (which I actually have to do for one of my classes).

:sigh:

So I'll update when I can, 's and 's for all
Cheers ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1586093/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1586093/ Fri, 26 Dec 2003 11:49:56 PST
We all mask ourselves with lables and fake emotions which I cannot even begin to understand. We all watch the clock tick away, wanting to end our selfish lives. Infact, we are all waiting for someone or something to take us to a 'better' place. I know this place as Heaven. I choose not to believe in all this 'Higher Power' business, which I can see right through. It is as clear as celophane, but it is masked by opaque theoriesand old testiments which some old psychotic man or woman wrote to keep her or himself entertained while their feet were chained to rocks and beaten with whips as sharp as razor blades.

This is the theory I honour, hince my scars.

We are given two choices in life, to be successful and depressed or to be alone and depressed. Studies have shown that most people in life are depressed sometime within their lifetime.

We carry our wounds throughout life until they eventually kill us. They are my dark hidden secrets, the things which I will carry throuh life. Some people carry shame, some people carry guilt, and some people carry regret. I refuse to carry any of this.

The all time favorutequestion is:
"Is it better to burn out than to fade away?"
I sit at night contemplating which would have the least hurtful outcome.

I do everything for myself and I do everything without suffering. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1503617/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1503617/ Sun, 07 Dec 2003 17:38:11 PST I hate the world.
I hate the people.
I hate myself. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1495024/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1495024/ Fri, 05 Dec 2003 16:30:54 PST so its all good. But yeah back onto my poopie day, first period i had pretty much a panic attack, not severe or anything but just enough where i had to leave my gym class. I'll write more later on about my day... ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1488402/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1488402/ Thu, 04 Dec 2003 06:33:22 PST
On friday I fell asleep at 7:30 p.m! Then i woke up at 11:00 and shut off my musik. I finally woke up one last time at 2:00 A.M. and stayed awake. I had hope of falling back to sleep but for some odd reason I could not fall asleep again. I think it has something to do with the Celexa. Even through I'm not on a high dose yet, it still might be interfeering with my chemical imbalence....oh well I'll write a bit more later on today to catch the people who care up cause this is an old journal entry that i just felt like posting. ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1476406/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1476406/ Mon, 01 Dec 2003 15:21:39 PST Cheers ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1470951/ http://xbleedingcherryx.deviantart.com/journal/1470951/ Sun, 30 Nov 2003 12:19:50 PST When will I return to my reality
Make it stop
The horror
The Blindness
The senselessness of my mind, body and soul
When will I return to myself
When will I feel again
When will I love myself as much as before
Before the drugs
Before the psychotherapy
Before I became crazy
I will be myself again
I will return to normal
I will raise above all this hatred
I will crumble to my own temptations
I will ignore my inner self
In hope to return to normal
Normal is where we all belong
Normal is the right choice
Blend into the background
Become on of them
Well normality is shit
I’m sorry
It doesn’t exist ]]> ~xbleedingcherryx