http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:xeslana&section=today deviantART RSS for by:xeslana en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 05 Dec 2009 11:13:01 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/28738764/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/28738764/ Thu, 03 Dec 2009 23:47:44 PST

Little Zom is doing well. He's putting on the weight now. He's 11 weeks old and utterly gorgeous. He melts my heart when he smiles.

I'm doing *ok*. We have had a really rough year, but we have come through it fairly well. David's mother was taken from us unexpectedly, we are still dealing with this loss and I think we're doing all right. It has not been the easiest of years. I think if anything it has made us stronger, you go through this together, or you end up drifting apart.

But we are doing fine! And things are looking a little brighter.

Oh. I forgot to add: I have a new camera. Canon EOS 500D. I am in love! We are almost finished unpacking the house, so I will be able to finally play with my new toy!!! Can't wait to post the results. I am impressed already by the few shots I have taken so far, so I can't wait to really sink my teeth into this baby and learn all of her secrets.

Anyways that's about it from here.

xxx


]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/27403242/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/27403242/ Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:49:45 PDT
David was a real champion all the way through the birth, he was so supportive. I couldn't have got there without him. It's amazing how much dignity you leave at the door, I ended up naked and not caring after an hour. I think that will be one thing I remember from that amazing and terrifying day! (that, and the stitches) Everything else is now a blur, and I feel the luckiest girl in the world holding my gorgeous little man! The midwives and nurses were all wonderful. They all had great advice and something different to add to the mix.

Well that's about all from this little family... I have a few photos, if anyone is interested I'll post them.

Love Laura, David and little Jameson; aka Zom.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/26323664/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/26323664/ Sat, 01 Aug 2009 18:25:25 PDT

This won't be too much of an update, have had a rough time of it lately. From day one I have had complications... ended up in hospital for a couple of days last week with chest pain. Still have constant chest pain, but at least I'm out of hospital. They can't do much as I'm pregnant, and it seems that the painkillers make me very sick. I was vomitting most of yesterday. They did a whole bunch of scary tests which thankfully have come back normal. So have to smile through the pain. Am having fortnightly ultrasounds, and so far bubby is doing really well. (It's just mummy that has the issues!)

My man has been wonderful throughout all of this. It's amazing what you think you couldn't cope with until something happens to change your perspective. That's life I guess. I'm lucky to have a great guy to keep me together when it feels like everything possible is falling apart.


xxx
Laura.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/25135803/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/25135803/ Fri, 05 Jun 2009 01:11:25 PDT
At the moment we have no internet, but I steal it where we can... Am slowly doing art again; so will have to post some pieces when I can.


Much love, we're hoping to get internet back soon, but we may be moving again before bubby is born, so who knows!!!

xxx
Laura

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/22317031/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/22317031/ Wed, 31 Dec 2008 21:32:49 PST
It's the start of a new year. I haven't had a great deal of time to reflect on 2008, but I'm actually glad it's over. There has been a lot of things; both good and bad, and I feel lucky that I have got through it in one piece. I'm hoping that this year I will get a few things done that I have been wanting to achieve.

We have the kids down for the new year, and have managed to sneak a little time on my computer to upload some art.


Peace out.

xxx

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/21778475/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/21778475/ Tue, 02 Dec 2008 05:35:16 PST
Gosh I have been busy. This year has been a big one for me. Physically and emotionally it's been a rollercoaster. Art-wise I'm hoping to have a bit more time for it now. I have done a few pieces that I probably won't end up posting here. I have just changed jobs, so I might actually have a lot more time to myself.

I have moved in with my partner. House is slowly getting into shape. Still a bit to do, and buy for the house.

Like I said, changed jobs... am very happy with the change, it's a real physical job, don't have much time at all to scratch, let alone think about anything at all.

Christmas is coming up waaay too fast. Am working right through it, well apart from christmas day, so am feeling both good and bad about that. I'm actually going to have a proper christmas this year, will be spending it with my new family. Mixed emotions... tonight we decorated the christmas tree... it felt weird.

That's it for now, too tired to think.



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/18173272/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/18173272/ Sun, 04 May 2008 23:08:38 PDT
About my health.

--

I will be around here a little more often. I have taken some time off work, so am hoping to get some art done and up here. Need to at some point soon buy a new sub maybe. I have over 8,500 deviations in my inbox to look through... Going to be tough going!

--

The work of Bill Viola inspires me. I need to read about him.





]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/15897166/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/15897166/ Tue, 11 Dec 2007 22:42:11 PST
I have moved, to a gorgeous huge space... so many trees and grass in my backyard. Love it. Have got my little cat back, finally have somewhere for us to call home. Not for a while has that actually happened.

I have started a new relationship with someone I have admired and respected for several years. Things are going great. I'm actually happy, and am hoping he is too.

So life is pretty good right now.



And I have my creativity back.



I feel 'full'.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/14570176/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/14570176/ Mon, 10 Sep 2007 02:52:09 PDT
Being busy sure helps me not think about things too much! I recommend it to anyone!

Still lurking.



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/14376836/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/14376836/ Tue, 28 Aug 2007 07:45:00 PDT
]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/14050964/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/14050964/ Mon, 06 Aug 2007 21:38:03 PDT
From my own feelings.














Just... be.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/13479796/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/13479796/ Mon, 25 Jun 2007 02:15:15 PDT
So I'm asking for help.

If you know me even slightly on here. Please say hello. Let me know it's ok. That the world isn't completely out to get me.


Thank you. For listening. Hopefully understanding.


Laura.


]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/13401593/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/13401593/ Tue, 19 Jun 2007 02:10:58 PDT
.

All at once.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/13358743/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/13358743/ Fri, 15 Jun 2007 16:33:06 PDT




]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/13021120/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/13021120/ Sun, 20 May 2007 04:11:00 PDT
I think.


Got lots of stuff to post, just have to magically make my scanner work!!


Anyway, hope you all are doing great!!




]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/12773858/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/12773858/ Sun, 29 Apr 2007 02:40:29 PDT
I broke up with the muse yesterday.

--

Done a couple of quick pieces, and one painting.

--

Drinking a bottle of red wine.

--

Friends are irreplacable.

--



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/12489475/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/12489475/ Fri, 06 Apr 2007 22:15:11 PDT
So, I have been painting. Will put them up in the next couple of days. Jessie gave me a bit of an art lesson. So I can feel myself improving already. Its quite shocking just HOW much I have been stagnating. No wonder I haven't felt like painting or drawing lately. Must make more of an effort to actually LEARN things. It helps. It really does!

Uh, anyways... Painting, and am sick. Filling up on way too much chocolate, and feeling strangely happy.


Odd.


Much love .

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/12375560/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/12375560/ Thu, 29 Mar 2007 12:52:19 PDT
What's been going on?

New Zealand was FANTASTIC. It was awesome catching up with everyone there. Great seeing all the relatives I haven't seen in a couple of years. I have GOT to go back more often.


Working insane hours lately, which is great for the old wallet.

Went to the beach last week with Clark. We got there at 4pm and it had just turned cold. Eh heh. So we spent about an hour in the water before going back to his place for Nachos. I hope I get to go to the beach again before winter happens! I haven't been nearly as much as I have wanted!

Housemate and I have decided that we should go out every friday. So last week we had dinner, and played pool. I lost badly. But I did however make the white ball jump OVER the other ball and land straight in the corner pocket. THAT takes some skill. Yes.

It's my Birthday today! I am having a tiny shindig at mine tonight; have about six people coming hehe. I am cooking. Should be fun.

Well that's about it folks.



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/11941904/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/11941904/ Sat, 24 Feb 2007 00:33:57 PST
My little brother Andrew is getting married.



--...--

Cut my hair the other week. I like it.

--...--

Finally have a few days off to myself. Am going to get some painting in hopefully. And eat a lot of junk. Hopefully spend some time with the muse.




]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/11605695/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/11605695/ Sun, 28 Jan 2007 22:40:51 PST
My Chemical Romance!


I'm so excited!

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/11177801/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/11177801/ Sun, 24 Dec 2006 15:52:41 PST




SantaLaus. Heh.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/10457055/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/10457055/ Fri, 20 Oct 2006 15:03:11 PDT

Marie Brock
22 June 1958 – 21 October 2004


I can’t believe two years have passed. I feel numb.

Words aren’t enough. I’ve tried.




You are with me. I love you.





]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/10261012/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/10261012/ Mon, 02 Oct 2006 14:48:04 PDT



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/9957294/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/9957294/ Sun, 03 Sep 2006 22:57:51 PDT

. ]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/9952507/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/9952507/ Sun, 03 Sep 2006 14:40:46 PDT
We each gave each other a topic to draw. Hilarious fun.


Must do it more often.





--


Gahhh! Must get myself a new subscription! Have been meaning to for a while now, but just haven't had any spare cash! Hopefully in about a month's time I'll be able to enjoy having a sub again! Tis driving me nuts!


--


So life is pretty good at the moment. (Apart from issues with the dreaded money) My muse is great. Health-wise can't complain. So all in all, this year has perked up a bit.


Much love to all!
]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/9941555/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/9941555/ Sat, 02 Sep 2006 14:30:38 PDT




**Getting inspired** ]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/9454001/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/9454001/ Sat, 22 Jul 2006 00:53:50 PDT
Letting you guys know, I’ve met this amazing person! I don’t know if I can even really begin to describe how he makes me feel!

I feel like I’ve been underwater for years, then suddenly standing up, with the water running down off my hair, feeling the cold, tingling the hairs on my arms. Goosebumps.

Jon, thank you.

I’m so glad I met you.



Happy.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8764708/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8764708/ Sun, 14 May 2006 02:32:41 PDT
--

Got my hair cut the other day.

--

Am in love with Boston Legal.

--

Am going to get a new subscription and be around here a bit more often.

--

Am making Butter Chicken, it makes me drool and quiver uncontrollably.

--

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8464975/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8464975/ Fri, 14 Apr 2006 01:32:53 PDT
For the couple of people who are wondering where I’ve been…


Been working a lot, it’s been quite busy lately.
Art: kinda disappeared, Don’t know when it will be back again. I feel I’ve lost something with my art. Wish me luck.
Living situation: for those that don’t know, Duncan and I aren’t together anymore. As you can imagine, it’s been quite hard (for the both of us).
Weight: Losing weight still… 2kgs this past week. Altogether I’ve lost 17kg’s. I’m slowly getting confidence back.


So yeah.


Thank you for all the lovely messages for my birthday, as you can imagine, this year was a difficult one.

Caz gave me a $30 music/dvd gift voucher and an erm… adult bear keyring (*Chuckle*)

Jay gave me 3 beautiful roses, I loved them!

Clark gave me the 4 Harry Potter movies (and a set of watercolours that I have yet to try out, as I’ve kinda lost any artistic feeling I had!)

So I spent a lovely night at my friend Karra’s house, I dragged Clark along, and we had a BBQ (Clark made me meatballs ) and I got toasted off my face. Made friends with a bottle of wine and some bourbon.


Anyways, Caz is over for the easter weekend, and I’m getting my drink on.


Much love, sorry I haven’t been around but life is up and down right now! ]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8304007/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8304007/ Wed, 29 Mar 2006 11:23:44 PST

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8102773/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8102773/ Wed, 08 Mar 2006 12:22:34 PST
Just letting you guys know (Something positive is always good right?) that I've lost 11kg so far, and very motivated to lose more!


Hopefully I will get some art done today (day off!), but I'm not going to count on it, I've been so busy lately.



Btw, my subscription has run out, so browsing art in my watch is really tiresome, please post me some links of work that I should see! Don't be afraid! I won't bite!


]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8047059/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/8047059/ Thu, 02 Mar 2006 13:21:39 PST

It's been a lonely time for my art, can't wait to give it some life.




]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7818571/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7818571/ Mon, 06 Feb 2006 12:23:54 PST


I don't feel comfortable showing my art here.




I'm not submitting any new work. This [link] pretty much says it all.





.

.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7667295/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7667295/ Sat, 21 Jan 2006 13:41:50 PST
Update time! My lovely dad is coming to visit! He is bringing Val, and also… My brother and his girlfriend! I can’t WAIT! He will be coming on the 17th of Feb. Will be good to see my little bro again, and will be very interesting in meeting his girl, she sounds like a really awesome person.

It’s great not feeling… lonely anymore. Working has given me a sense of… well… place, I guess. Before, I was trapped in myself a lot. Now, I have other things to worry about, and being able to talk and smile at complete strangers is a good feeling. Also, being able to pay for things has really helped. I no longer feel anxious about money, and I have some new confidence and sense of worth! It’s great!


I will *try* to get some painting done today…




Much love….

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7387137/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7387137/ Thu, 22 Dec 2005 22:20:06 PST This christmas... is just another day.

Very much thinking about mum.
Missing my family... The friends I love.

Sending my love, to all those who share that with me.

You know who you are.

It's just another day.



Doesn't feel like christmas at all. Not at all.



--
I see you,
yesterday
ruby red and gold
strands of tears,
jewels
soothe my tears,
dripping
from your neck...
freckled and warm,
denim hints...
dragon smiled.



*sassenach





]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7137362/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7137362/ Thu, 24 Nov 2005 23:49:07 PST
Thanks to talking to my brother last night, I sparked an interest in it again... I hadn’t touched my keyboard in over 2 years before now, so I’m going to make an effort to relearn my fav songs. So I started to play one of mum’s favourite songs of mine I used to play on the piano (Moonlight sonata) and that got me in the swing... I can’t believe how much I can remember, and how much just comes naturally again. Like my art, I’m basically self taught with keyboard/piano as well. I’m not very good... but hey, if it’ll keep me sane I’ll drive Duncan nuts instead! I really REALLY miss my piano...

I think one reason why I haven’t pick up my music for a while, is because it was for mum. I used to play and practice for mum. Because she enjoyed listening to me play. She used to tell me to play songs for her, and I would; she would garden, I would play. She always used to love me playing “This Nearly Was Mine”, and she always told me (Whenever I’d play it) that I was to play it at her funeral. So we started to call it her funeral song. She’d ask me to play it over and over... I didn’t end up doing that at the funeral. But we did play it, but I wish I could have played it for her.

One regret, is that I never sang in front of mum. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but she never heard me sing. And now every time I sing, I think of her. I end up croaking through the song in tears. I think it’s maybe because I have only ever opened up in front of a couple of people, I won’t even sing happy birthday. How pathetic is that? I just cannot sing in front of people. It’s not because I’m bad... I’m just shy and sensitive I guess... and NOT sharing this with mum is just ripping me apart.

Oh yeah. I have a job interview next week... Doc told me not to look for work, but I think I’ll go along anyway. She basically told me that I can just walk into the job, but I’m not sure if I can do it right now. Of course that could all change next week. So wish me luck I guess!


So! Arting, music, napping and possible job (maybe) in the near future!






]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7124986/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/7124986/ Wed, 23 Nov 2005 16:20:10 PST
Why do people intentionally mislead the good faith and trust of other people?

Why do people cover their flaws, or refuse to look into a mirror; they could change themselves, but choose not to see?

Some people say that it’s just human nature. So it’s human nature to be constantly hurting the people that you love? To be in constant pain from the ones that you love... who do you trust?

And what’s weird is that most of us have an inbuilt “saving people complex”... I guess it’s naive to think that we can change people, or change the way they look at life. Because everyone looks at life differently. And every one of those people interprets that differently... and there is nothing you can do to make an impact. ‘Cos let’s face it, we’re all stubborn in our own special way.

It’s just a shame that for most of the time, the innocent get hurt in the scramble to get away from the truth. And we know when we’re lying to ourselves.


Me personally? Have come to the realisation that I am a strong woman. A strong woman, who has had her independence stripped, but am on the way to becoming healthy, both mentally and physically... This past year has been the toughest trial... Things can only go up from here, and I truly believe that the trust in yourself is the only honest feeling that you can have.

And that trust, when it’s broken is very hard to repair.



Whoever takes this personally should take a long look at themselves, because this is my rant, and not meaning to “attack” anyone personally.



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/6823435/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/6823435/ Thu, 20 Oct 2005 22:08:31 PDT
I was meant to have a special painting done for her, for today. Well... I haven’t started. (I did something to my back... so I was flat on my back for 2 days.) And also, while I DON’T lack inspiration, I lack technical skill. (I think). I have a hundred images in my head, that should be smooshed into one enormous painting... somehow.


So, to Mum... I love you... I miss you....

You are free from pain, and flying...
You’ll be with me in my heart

--

You’re dressed in red...
With a denim miniskirt,
And dragons fly,
around your head.

No more sitting on a chair,
And listening to the rain...
The time has come
For you to smile again.







Marie Brock
22 June 1958 – 21 October 2004





--

Also, BIG thanks to ^zeruch... More about that later methinks.


--



Thank you for listening.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/6473149/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/6473149/ Sun, 11 Sep 2005 02:34:34 PDT ). I will take more out when I need to. It really hurts to see some of my work, and I refuse to look at the comments right now, because everytime I come across a comment from my mum, I choke up. But I need them here. If you know what I mean. It's like... a favorite teddy bear in your closet. You don't need to see it, it's just comforting to know that it's there.


Getting healthy.


Art block.


A LOT of reading.


Tuna.





I think I'm going to start some sort of dream diary. This morning was the first time in months that I haven't dreamt about mum, family, babies. I need to write them down before I forget them.


Anyways...



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/6095957/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/6095957/ Mon, 01 Aug 2005 00:52:08 PDT



[link]




.

My work is in storage.

.

For a long time I think.

.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/6061557/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/6061557/ Thu, 28 Jul 2005 20:17:59 PDT
Jess and Lucas stayed with us... which was SO fucking wonderful to see her again! (oh... you too Lucas... heh... *prod*)

Ummm seizure things have been happening... like... really bad ones, luckily I didn't go to the mall the other day with a friend, because I had a big one lying in bed, and slept it off for 4 and a half hours... :S Not fun much.

Oil painting! Yes! Much thanks to Jessie for putting me onto that... will be good to get some more oils and do big pieces on canvas! Looking forward to that much.

Ummm what else.

Dad might be visiting... which would be good... he's going home to New Zealand for a holiday, he's still in the islands. Otherwise I'll see him around christmas.

Not working anymore... long story, but maybe it's for the best, right now I don't think I COULD work. But hey, at least it was experience yes?

I'm addicted to Coke with Lime.

Headaches have been happening for a week now... in the same place, painkillers don't seem to be doing anything at all...

Can't wait for annoying flatmate to move out. Yay! He is SUCH an asshole. But yes... should be soon hopefully. He should be gone by the weekend... so lets dance! DANCE!!!!



Awww yeah!

*Ahem*

My hands are numb.



But I think that's because of the excessive playing of World of Warcraft...

*_* Tell me... anyone else addicted like me???


.

Love you all much... I might be around for commenting... I don't know. I haven't even really done much art lately. It's depressing!!!

Might have some stuff to post later though.


Lovel!



Oh, and have discovered the pleasures of Ebooks... now all I need to do is get a monitor that can tilt sideways for when I lie in bed! Bwahahaa!



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5709795/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5709795/ Tue, 21 Jun 2005 00:20:04 PDT
It was my first day of work. I got a full time job fitting and selling children's shoes. Now, for anyone who knows me, either in real life, or online; will know that this is a great achievement for me. I'm going to take it one day at a time, and hope that I don't have a complete relapse.

I'm not as tired as I thought I was going to be, though my feet hurt a little. But this should be great, i'm getting out and about, earning money, and just DOING something with my days. *Happy sigh*

So that's news here, and why I will be sporadic with posting and commenting, though hopefully I'll manage to balance my real life with my online life (Will definatly need to ask for help with housework from now on I think, instead of stubbornly doing it all on my own). It will be great to settle into a regular routine, and actually knowing the days of the week...


Love to all...

Laura.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5527362/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5527362/ Thu, 02 Jun 2005 02:08:21 PDT [link] , to those who commented, thank you SO very much, I can’t express how much those comments meant to me.)

Thank you for being patient with my lack of replies.


Yesterday I had decided I wasn’t going to post here anymore. I thought it was time I should leave. I changed my mind. For those who can stand it, I need to share my work.

I should be more active here from now on... there’s just been SO much going on lately with my personal life, I didn’t feel comfortable with sharing.

I feel I need you more than ever now.


So thank you, for the support.


Laura.



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5361144/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5361144/ Sun, 15 May 2005 03:00:05 PDT
A working scanner.


Expect some new work from me.




--
Edit: Will be able to finish pieces I did, just after mum died. Have been meaning to put them up, but broken scanner happened. One big piece, Mum's Piece; have been wanting to finish it for a long time now.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5299120/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5299120/ Sun, 08 May 2005 04:11:26 PDT
Once again, everytime I try to put something in writing, or in graphic form, it seems like it would never do justice to what I feel.


I want to say happy mothers' day, but realise that I can't...




.

I also want to say, don't wait for a year to pass to make someone feel special. Do it as often as you can, because it hurts like hell when you've lost them.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5036469/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/5036469/ Fri, 08 Apr 2005 17:45:41 PDT





.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4928659/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4928659/ Sun, 27 Mar 2005 20:52:53 PST

Uh... yeah.


I'll be 24.



Woo.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4740100/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4740100/ Sun, 06 Mar 2005 04:06:17 PST
More later when I can be bothered typing...

World of Warcraft is a bloody addicting game...

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4648433/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4648433/ Tue, 22 Feb 2005 19:45:31 PST
I kinda went off Painter in a big way, when my computer crashed halfway through a MASSIVE file save, my beautiful piece is now a bad riff file, and a fraction of the file size that it was. (it WAS 225 meg, down to 6 meg.) I was not a happy girl, considering I put in over 8 hours and it was a quarter of the way done.

Hot, hot, hot day today. Will have a cold shower later on methinks.

I even did some painting. I don’t know if I’ll post it… Gotta do some work on it with oil pastel and pencil. (or I might just scrap it now to save the trouble lol)

Went outside for a while, hung out washing etc, and I saw Frida playing with something by the clothesline… went to investigate, and she had caught a baby mouse... TINY baby mouse. I shooed Frida away, and picked it up to see if it was hurt, it wasn’t, so I took some photos, gave it a tiny piece of bread, and put it back in the garden. It is STILL sitting there, must be in total shock... lol... Poor thing.

Been blacking out HEAPS lately... yesterday was horrible, blacked out a lot, and felt all seizure-ish, but didn’t have one. I really wanted to, just to get it out of my system, but didn’t and ended up feeling yuck all day and night. Headaches are back with a vengeance.

Really, really bad dream this morning. It was horrible. Sexual. Wrong. I keep thinking about it... lol...


--
I need to write in this more often, I need to write about the good things that happen, so I don’t lose sight of them. I think I might start writing 2 journals, one here, and another either at livejournal, or just on my computer. Just to keep a copy of the brain leaks I seem to have often. So yeah.


I want to save up to buy a house. By myself, or with Duncan. I asked him about it last night, so yeah. Will take a long time, but I really need something wonderful to work towards, to save towards. I hate renting... our rent money could be going into a house of our own. I need to start thinking about my future, and what I really want I think.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4625536/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4625536/ Sat, 19 Feb 2005 22:17:07 PST
Been a lot happier lately (amazingly). Been to a job interview even! (I didn't get the job, but I had a hell of a fun day!)

Been feeling a lot healthier too, believe it or not. Getting more exercise as well. Not a lot, but more than normal. Planning to get out more, and do more things. Jeez, I’m even eating a little bit more regularly. For me, these things are a big step. Gonna lose some weight. Well... attempt to... *Giggles*


I need a good year. I want to make this a good year.


I don’t know how I’m going to achieve this, I don’t have any set goals yet, as it’s a little bit uncertain... Actually, the first big goal I want to achieve is getting a job, even if it’s just part time, doing something that I enjoy. I think that will really bring me out again, and let me not be too dependant on Duncan. (who, as my mum once said “Deserves a medal”) And let my Dad breathe a sigh of relief *waves at dad*.

Ummm what else. Not a lot has been happening lately in the art department unfortunately. Haven’t been very inspired. I keep getting punched in the face with self doubt, and wonder what the fuck I’m doing...

But anyways, will sort itself out, or I’ll give myself a kick in the ass, whichever comes first I guess... (probably the ass) Will try and look at things in a more positive light, like I used to. I miss the old me. Would be good if I got my act together and brought her back yes??? Yes. I think so too.

Toodles!


-__-




Commissions??




---
I miss you so much mum, so very much.
I need to find your utter love for life...
;_; I love you.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4338388/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4338388/ Sun, 16 Jan 2005 21:30:39 PST
I'm utterly empty.




..


-----
Commisions??? Please???

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4123979/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4123979/ Wed, 22 Dec 2004 00:02:21 PST
Call from Jess. – Love doing the old catch up girly giggly thing... Good talking to you mang!

Painting – In particular, painting a wooden frame to give to Duncan’s family with a photo of us inside; as they have none of us together!

Pixel Art – A pixel painting in actuality. Will post it at some point, it’s really little, but I love it.

Gardening – Just come in from it now... I SERIOUSLY don’t know what I’m doing... defiantly need some tips there... I’m all sweaty, dusty and hot. Not a good combination. Very therapeutic though...

Today’s been bloody good. I feel like I’ve achieved great things, even though they are very small. Had the best nectarine I’ve ever tasted, but that might have been cos I haven’t had one in over a year. Eeep!


Sun. Fruit. Water. Jess. Painting. Shower. Cuddles, make the best day ever.


P.S. What do you guys think about me selling my art? I would love opinions and helpful tips/ideas, I need to be doing something with it! Original artwork... yeah... (What do you guys think of prints and prices? Separate sites? Ebay? Gimme your thoughts! NOW!!!! )



--

Wishing everyone a wonderful christmas, I hope everyone gets to catch up with family friends etc...

Will be going up to Duncans' parents place until tuesday, so will be awesome to have some time together, and to see his family again.






]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4061832/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4061832/ Mon, 13 Dec 2004 21:44:42 PST
They all look really spiffy, and all fit together, to make a big picture... but no one will ever know what it is!! BWAHAHAHAAAA... (acrylic and coloured pencil)




I'm actually really proud of my efforts, and I don't really want to let them go!!!

My two favorites are going to Jessie, and Dad...

(Jess, your's fits with Andrew's, bug him to show you if you're interested )

I might photograph them, I think they're beautiful. (Well... I would!!! I AM the artist!!! )




May be posting them... maybe. But for now, must rest meh hands!

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4015659/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/4015659/ Wed, 08 Dec 2004 00:14:54 PST
I have tears in my eyes, and my chest feels tight.

I want to talk about it... but I’ve gone through it a thousand times in my head, so it feels like it’s been said before. (Even though you ask me what is wrong)


I can’t breathe.

It’s just so fucking unfair...

I can’t say good-bye, or even think of her at the moment.

I don’t want to go to her DA page, because it hurts so much. I don’t even want to think of it... see there I go again crying...

I guess I’m going to have times like these for a long time, it’s really new to me.



*Rant* And I’m just so pissed off (With YOU), because you were stressing about it... and you have nothing to worry about... even if she did, would you expect me to do what you did? I don’t think I could be that false. Ever. But you have NO problem with that do you. You are fake. And I hate you and everything you stand for. Because you hurt me so much. And yes. This is about you. *End Rant*




It’s ok. I’m ok. I just need to let off some steam. It’s been building for a while, and I’ve been so emotional, not knowing which way to turn, and I’m so tired. So very tired.







I want to sleep now...

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3882270/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3882270/ Sat, 20 Nov 2004 22:32:43 PST Need to crawl
before
falling
In wings where
Where
We lie (lied)
Learn to crawl,
Learn to fly
All these things
You’ve been...
Denied

Floating
in dreams
You whisper
Goodbyes,
Stretching,
Yet connecting
Padded planes
Their prickled fingers
Reach
The painted photos
That you made
And shared
to
/with
/about
Them.
--



]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3867005/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3867005/ Thu, 18 Nov 2004 20:30:15 PST primowalker brought me a years sub.


Thank you Jay... *Squish*




--
My Journal from this morning [link]
Just cos.

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3864463/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3864463/ Thu, 18 Nov 2004 12:13:38 PST
I’m back.

In Australia that is. Not DA. Although I MAY post some little things here and there. I don’t think I can really come back until I have a subscription...

Not going to write much here, I’m not really feeling up to it...

Just... good to be back home in Duncoon’s arms again...


New Zealand felt like a dream. A really weird, numb dream. (Jess, you were awesome)

Just wanting to thank a lot of people here...


Jess, and Jess’s family... omg, you took me in, feed me stuff... and gave me huggies... what more can a girl want in times of trouble... seriously, what you did was so wonderful. I can even begin to thank you.

Daxserv... You prolly know what I’m going to say, but thank you for making mum’s life brighter... every time she would ring me she would say something about ye. Thanks for being a good friend. The world needs more like you.

There are so many people I want to thank... that I can’t think of right now... grrr

Thank you to everyone who sent their condolences, it’s much appreciated. Also thank you to everyone who did a piece for me. That’s wonderful. Now I don’t think I saw them all... if anyone has anything they would like me to see (for me, or just in general), note me with the link. If you think I haven’t seen something made for meh, I would appreciate it if ye told meh! As I have over 800 that I probably won’t see, I would like to see anything special that you guys have done in my absence. Cos yeah, trawling through them without the nifty thumbnails you get when you are subscribed, is NOT fun. And I don’t feel up to doing that anyways!!!! So get noting me people!!!!

Thank you so much Dad. Even though you won’t read this... thank you. You know what for. And I’m here for you. Through whatever. Was so good seeing you again, I miss you.


Uh. What else. I can’t think of anything else right at this moment. I suck.







If anyone would like to email me, feel free. thestral_me@hotmail.com





Thank you.



Oh. I won't have the internet for a week. So... there! ]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3690663/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3690663/ Wed, 27 Oct 2004 22:16:42 PDT
Granddad died this morning, in the hospital.

He was too ill to go to mums funeral the other day, and he went to the hospital. He wasn't feeling too good for the past couple of days... mums death hit him hard I think... I don't know... ...

.

Mum's funeral was lovely, she had a wonderful life, and for that I am grateful. She lived life to the fullest, and countless people were touched by her. It gives me a lot of comfort, and will continue to, that she embraced alot of people, didn't matter where they were from, or who they are. I can honestly say, this will hit me later on, along with granddad, I'm not really feeling much right now... But I think in a way, it might be kinda good. To get through this not feeling quite like I should is a bit strange... I'm not feeling myself even! But yeah, there is a great big empty hole in my chest right now...

I miss you mum...

And I wish I got to see you again granddad...


I love you... ]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3639298/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3639298/ Thu, 21 Oct 2004 01:26:51 PDT









...

]]> ~xeslana http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3639251/ http://xeslana.deviantart.com/journal/3639251/ Thu, 21 Oct 2004 01:09:34 PDT

Mum isn't expected to make it through the night.




I don't think I'll see her again, I can't get an earlier flight.





Love you mum...

]]> ~xeslana