http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:xnailbunnyx&section=today deviantART RSS for by:xnailbunnyx en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 07 Dec 2009 08:16:12 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/21776867/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/21776867/ Tue, 02 Dec 2008 00:54:55 PST Maybe I'll get around to taking some pictures...

It's a Canon EOS 40D I loves it.

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/21149129/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/21149129/ Sat, 25 Oct 2008 01:56:10 PDT
I wasn't really all that responsible with it last time. I didn't clean it nearly enough, and messed with it/picked at it (nervous habit a bad one at that) to the point that it got infected. I've grown up a little since then, and I felt like I was at a point in my life that I could properly take care of it. So anyway, I got it in basically the exact same place as last time.

It hurt a lot worse this time, too. Mainly because I wasn't expecting it. It hurt an insane amount right when the needle went in (Nick says I went really pale lol), but the pain sort of died down after that, and only came back quite a bit later when I cleaned it. Since then, it only ever really hurts when I clean it or when I'm eating. Or if I accidently pick at it... which I sometimes catch myself doing if I'm watching TV or a movie and I'm not paying attention (like I said, nervous habit).

What's bad though, is that I think I have a cold. Which means there's going to be a lot more bacteria in my mouth >.< and I'm going to have to be even more diligent about cleaning it. Oh well... maybe it's not a cold, but I've been sneezing and coughing and my nose is running, so yeah. I went to bed kinda early, feeling physically drained even though I'd only been up since 3pm. I couldn't fall asleep cause I had a tickle in the back of my throat that kept making me cough, and then I started sneezing, so I got up. Now like every 10 minutes I sneeze two or three times, and my nose and eyes are burning. Blech, I hate colds. I hardly ever get them; this is probably the third cold I've had since I was little.

Anyway, I've been feeling a lot more inspired lately... but the motivation still isn't there. Like I'll have these ideas of things to draw, but the motivation to actually sit down and draw them is just... somewhere else. *Sigh*

Also thinking about getting a digital SLR for Christmas, but I'm not sure yet. I wouldn't even know where to begin in terms of figuring out which one to get... I don't know much about cameras lol. I've always just used a basic point-and-shoot without too many bells and whistles.

OOOH I'm going to see Nine Inch Nails again on the 3rd of November in Greensboro I can't wait! The last NIN show I went to was amazing, and I wouldn't expect anything less this time around.

I guess that's all.

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/20801525/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/20801525/ Thu, 02 Oct 2008 22:33:57 PDT
Phew.
So I'm still alive. In case anyone was wondering/interested/etc.

God I've grown up. I hate looking back on all this stuff in my gallery. I hate it all. But I can't stand to delete it as much as I really want to... I want to erase it all and move on, maybe start posting newer stuff on here. But I can't, with all this clutter... *sigh* I tried to make a new account but... it's not the same. It feels wrong posting there.

Anyway...
Nick and I are still together and very happy. We've had our rough patches, as with all relationships, and yet I find new reasons and ways to love him every single day. We never really had a proper wedding, not sure if we ever will or when. Probably on one of our anniversaries. Anyway, enough mushy stuff.

Never got that surgery. After going through numerous painful/stressful/time consuming procedures, they decided I wasn't qualified. In the long run, I'm glad I didn't have it. I eventually got off pain meds for good.

Now, I'm on barely any medications whatsoever, and my health has plateaued (ew did I spell that right? probably not... whatever)

Went on a few vacations this year. One to England to visit Nick's family. I met his siblings and their kids, and got to visit with his mother some more. And then later, we went to Key West, which I really enjoyed.

I don't feel like going into a lot of details about everything, my life is fairly dull, I still play video games, but I'm sort of taking a little break to try and get back into my artwork, and maybe writing. But it's going slow. *Sigh*

So anyway, I hope that was a good enough update. Now you know I'm still alive.



EDIT: Doing some reorganizing of my gallery. Some deviations may randomly disappear, but you probably won't notice cause they sucked. ^.^

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/12925313/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/12925313/ Sat, 12 May 2007 06:01:20 PDT
I've got a new account, but I won't be posting it here, because i don't want the two tobe linked together... for privacy purposes. I also went thru and deleted a few older deviations that were a little too personal to be floating around on the internet, especially since DA has started showing up on Google searches If anyone desperately wants to follow my artistic progress, note me and I will tell you my new account name. I haven't posted anything on it yet, as I'm still getting back into my groove since I had about a year long art block.

Nick and I are getting a bigger house. We've been in this town house for about a year now, and we've decided to go for something bigger, more permenent. It's an AMAZING house... the owners are staying in it until June, when their kids get outta school, and then they're moving back to Canada. Finally, we'll have enough room to have company over and not have to squeeze them in the office!

Tomorrow, I'm getting two Abyssinian kittens, born from the same father (whose name is Boy Wonder) as my dearest Stinky. I can't wait! They're gonna be such wonderful bundles of joy! I thought of a few names, but I'm still not sure whether or not I'll use them; I'd like to wait and see what their personalities are like. But I have Nutmeg (Meggie for short) and Lutie (Lutie-loo or Lulu for short).

Things I'm currently obsessing over:

World of Warcraft, again. I stopped playing for awhile but then started up again recently.

Anyway, so that's enough of an update for now, and if you want to keep up with my other account, NOTE ME and I'll send you the link.

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/9287751/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/9287751/ Thu, 06 Jul 2006 01:32:08 PDT
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Updates for anyone who reads this anymore.

- Nick and I got married. We got married on June 1st because we were going out of town the next week, and needed the marriage license in case they hassled him at the airport (since his 3 months had run out). It was a temporary wedding; small - my parents and us - had it done at the magistrates office, took 20 minutes tops. I wore a pretty white dress, nothing too extravagant since it was just a small wedding, and Nick wore a black button up and black corduroys. I haven't looked at the pictures yet.

Never in my whole life would I have expected to be married at 18. Some may think I'm crazy, in fact someone actually said that to my face, but here's what I have to say to that: Screw them and screw anyone else that has a problem with it. I'm in love and not afraid to admit it.

He takes care of me. We take care of each other.

- Boston. The took a trip up to Boston for four days to have some tests done. The doctors who might do my surgery said that the tests I had done here were "inconclusive" and they needed to do them themselves. So I had several tests done, one of which was... extremely uncomfortable, and they decided to put me on MORE antibiotics, even though we told them a million times that I've built up a resistence to them. They said that it's just something they have to try before moving on to more drastic measures, aka surgery. Of course that is not what I wanted to hear, because I've been ready to have the surgery for months. I've been suffering. I haven't been going out at all. And it's not just that I'm lazy and want to sit on my computer all day (although that's part of it), it's that I rarely feel good enough to go out. I don't have the motivation or the energy. Plus I've lost loads of weight, and the surgery is supposed to help my absorption, which will help me gain weight again... I have to force myself to get out of bed, I have to force myself to eat anymore, I have to force myself to go out. I ended up sobbing my eyes out in front of the doctors, saying that I'm sick of trying all these meds that don't work and that I can't live like this any longer. They still didn't budge, despite how pathetic it was.

They sent us home with some prescriptions. The first med didn't work, made me feel AWFUL. The one I'm on now is one I've already been on, that has basically stopped working as effectively as it should. There are two more, and after we've tried those, and decided they don't work, they'll discuss the surgery again.

*Sigh*

- I'm completely and totally addicted and obsessed with World of Warcraft. It's Nick's fault, I swear. He never realized how much I'd like it. I'm going to die this week while I'm at the beach; they only have dial-up and I highly doubt it will run on dial-up. *CRY* fortunately Nick and I went to the store today and got a couple of games that don't require internet, one specifically for me (Dreamfall) to play at the beach (when I'm not being scorched to death by the sun). Dreamfall is pretty good, but I haven't played much of it yet, because I wanted to get some more WoW in before we leave.

- Art. There hasn't been any. No art whatsoever. I've lost all of my inspiration. Occasionally I get random ideas but when I try to draw them they just... die. Nick thinks it's because I'm not quite so depressed/lonely and that I was most inspired when I was feeling really down. Which is true to an extent. It's been highly disappointing, but at least I have something to take it's place (WoW ). I suppose I'll try to do some at the beach though, esp. since my dad just got me a new Wacom Tablet (intuos3). It's all new and shiny and I <3 it.


I can't think of anything else worthy of discussion. Oh, I'm gonna start looking into getting a new kitty, since I'm letting my mom keep Stinky (she's become waaaay too attached for me to take him from her). I dunno what kind yet. Might get one from a shelter, might get another Abby.

Hope everyone had a nice 4th of July.

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]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/8849363/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/8849363/ Mon, 22 May 2006 21:16:37 PDT
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Sorry guys, I’m not dead yet. I’m alive and I have good news:


I'm getting married!

Nick and I are getting married. And somehow, my parents actually support the decision. My mother didn't at first, but once she realized that we weren’t just doing it because it was the “easiest” option, she was all for it. My dad supported it from the start, which kinda surprised me, but kinda didn’t. He and Nick get along really well, and I think he already thought of him as family anyway. I mean, they’ve been going out every day to Best Buy and Circuit City to look at computer stuff. And even though I kinda wish Nick was around when I woke up, I’m glad they’re having their “bonding” time.

About the wedding: for now, we’re having a small wedding; only a few people, my parents and closest friends, and maybe a little get-together celebration thing afterward. And then later, if things go well and we’re still happy a year or two from now, we’ll have a bigger wedding.

I can’t stop thinking about weddings! I’m really excited .

We've pretty much moved into the new place completely; we've been staying here for about a month already. My parents miss me a lot, but it's done some real good not being around them ALL the time. I'm actually getting along with my dad for once. I know, amazing, right?

Last Wednesday, I had surgery on my lip. The cream I was putting on the growth seemed only to make things worse, and it was starting to get bigger, so my mom made an appointment with the oral surgeon. At first I was going to beg them to try and do the procedure without removing the ring. But it started getting really irritated and painful. It got to the point where I just wanted to take the ring out in the hopes that it would lessen the irritation, but I couldn't get the damn thing out! Even the surgeon had issues getting it out with his magical tools. He said if I put it back in or get it pierced again, it's highly likely that the granulation tissue (basically just scar tissue, which is what it was) would come right back. He also said if I had taken it out to begin with it might have cleared up on its own.

I'm starting to wish I'd done that. The procedure was painful. They numbed my mouth with some ointment first, and then he jabbed a needle somewhere in there, and that needle felt like it was in there for a whole minute or so, which seemed like forever because I could definitely feel it. It wasn’t fun. Once numbed, it took him about 10 minutes to get the ring out, and then he used some kind of magical scalpel that cauterized the wound as it was cutting off the granulation tissue. He put a couple of dissolvable stitches in and sent me on home. (Well, after they wrote me a prescription for codeine… which I couldn’t take since I’m already on a narcotic pain killer.)

My lip was swollen all day and I looked like I'd been punched. After about an hour, the numbing medicine wore off and it started hurting really bad. All I could do was take some Tylenol and keep ice on it for the rest of the day.

The stitches still haven’t dissolved and it still hurts when I bump it and occasionally when I eat. But it’s healing. The hole on the outside where the ring went it was pretty swollen and red for a long time, and it’s still pretty noticeable, but it should go away soon, leaving a small blemish. OH NO, A BLEMISH, ON MY FACE. *DIES*

So the 19th was Nick’s birthday. He’s 22. I got him a laptop a couple weeks back, and then my dad got me (us) an Xbox 360 to make up for it. Plus, way back when it first came out he said he’d buy it for me. So it was a late Christmas present. We got Need For Speed: Most Wanted, Ghost Recon, Far Cry Predator (for Nick), Perfect Dark Zero, and Amped. We completed the co-op part of PDZ pretty quickly, and Ghost Recon is really fun, but I’d have to say I’m completely addicted to Need For Speed: Most Wanted. It’s my new favourite game of all time.

Today he went to Best Buy again and got WOW, and I started playing that today. It’s pretty fun. I’m so not used to RPG’s though, but I’ll learn.

So I STILL haven’t heard back from the doctor about the STEP procedure. We sent him all the information he wanted, and his assistant says he’s probably going to do it, but she can’t guarantee anything, but he still hasn’t given us a direct... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/8597621/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/8597621/ Thu, 27 Apr 2006 00:14:58 PDT
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Wow. It has been so, soooooo very long since I've been on this site. So many things have happened since the last time I wrote in this. I figured

~ I got a new place. I'm about 15 minutes away from my parents' place. As soon as we got the bed and mattress (along with some other furniture) we moved in. We've been slowly moving stuff from there to here, and getting other vital items from Bed Bath and Beyond. We're near a big shopping center with an Outback, and a bunch of other places. We're basically in the middle of everything. The only thing we're further away from is Crabtree, which is unfortunate, since it's my favorite mall, but I'm closer to everything else. In the same shopping center as Outback there's a Boston Market, which Nick and I have been eating at pretty much every night. My parents stop by every once in awhile. We're in the process of getting a security system put in by the guy that did my parents Corian countertops; my family is a tad bit paranoid, but I suppose I shouldn't say that or something bad WILL happen. Glen's a great guy though (the one putting in the system); we trust him. His daughter was assaulted a little while back so he knows how important it is to a parent to keep their child safe. He's also really intelligent about many other things as well. We also have to get the AC fixed, which sucks. I'd like to just replace it, because it's pretty much the cheapest, shittiest system ever made, but whatever. We'll see what they can do for it.

It's wierd being on my own. Well... almost on my own.

~ Nick got here on March 12th. We've been good. We've had a few problems, but we've gotten through every one of them. Everyday, we learn something new about each other, and the more I learn, the more I love him.

Unfortunately, he's probably going to have to leave again after three months, despite all efforts to get his visa. Basically, he was scammed into thinking he could get a visa, and lost £400 in the process. He went to see an attorney, who told him that the only way (besides marriage) for him to stay, is to get a student Visa and go to Wake Tech for two years. But... he still has to leave after 3 months (in June). So, we've been trying to get him into Wake Tech, but once again, everything seems to be going against us, and Nick's college doesn't have a copy of his transcripts. His mother is going to have to go through the company that issued it, and knowing our luck, he won't be able to get it. If that's the case, then... the only way for us to stay together is for us to get married. My mother is not too happy about that, but if it's the only way to keep us together, I'll do it. I love him, and when he was gone the last time, I almost lost my mind because he was gone so long. I lost all motivation, and all I wanted to do was sleep my life away. I can't do that again.

Note: I do NOT want people lecturing me on why I shouldn't get married; I don't want to hear it. I've heard enough from my mother, and I am old enough and mature enough to make my own decisions, so keep your opinions to yourself, please.

He's 100% willing to sign a prenup, so he's not in it for the money, and I totally trust him in that. In fact he feels extremely guilty that he's relying on me right now. He's so used to having money, and having other people rely on HIM for money. Lucky for him, he makes up for the money I've spent on him in other ways; he's basically taken the place of my mother - he takes care of me. He helps me remember my meds. He makes sure I eat (and that the things I eat are good for me). He makes me happy.

~ As for my health... I'm not doing so great. I'm still having bad stomach pain pretty much constantly, but the pain meds are helping, to an extent. However, recently, my mother and I have been discussing the STEP procedure again. She's talked to the surgeons who developed it, since they've done the most procedures overall, and basically, I now have hope that there is something else beyond pain meds. If I keep going down the path I'm on right now, I'll lose weight and end up on tube feeds again for an inordinate amount of time. This will not solve the underlying problem. It will merely help me gain a couple pounds, and then I'll be back where I started, still suffering, still unhappy. If I get the surgery, it will supposedly eliminate the threat of bacterial overgrowth, which is the underlying problem, the cause of all of this. My absorption level will increase drastically, meaning I won't have to be eating constantly to sustain my weight. My mother watched a webcast of one of the surgeries done on a 19 year old boy with similar problems to mine, and she said it's amazing how simple the procedure looks. The surgeons told us the same; it's a simple low-risk procedure.
... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7815306/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7815306/ Mon, 06 Feb 2006 03:28:53 PST
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I'm bored. I want to draw, and I'm inspired and everything, but... I'm just in one of those moods where I don't want to have to focus on any one thing too much.

There's actually not much new going on really...
I think I've finally somewhat gotten used to the pain meds. I've found that the first day after I apply the patch, I actually feel pretty damn good. At least comparatively. I'm actually able to leave the house for a couple hours. Unfortunately, I've been putting on the patches in the middle of the night, and it still causes me to itch really bad. Last night I gave myself a nasty scratch on my cheek and one on my forehead. Looks like I got in a fight with my cat or something, heh.

Like today (aka yesterday) I went to check out some condos/townhomes. The first two, which were ones my mom and I had already driven by, were quite expensive, and really old (needed regrouting, had cracks in the paint, just seemed really... used and old. At least for my tastes. Plus, as we were driving there, I kinda noticed that it was a lot farther away from home than I really wanted to be. Then Natalie (the woman showing us around, a friend of a friend of my mom's; she's a realtor, but she's really nice) showed us a nice little place off of Trinity, and like 5 minutes from our house. This one was much newer, much bigger, and much nicer. Needed a little work, but most of them will. The location was kinda iffy though, considering it's right next to the RBC center (games, concerts, etc... really bad traffic).

Then the last two places she showed us were like... perfect? I mean, even better than the Trinity one. The first one was also very close to home, and right near a big shopping center that we go to all the time. The neighborhood was so cute, though, very charming. Like most townhomes, the houses all looked alike, but they were all lined with brick, which I really like, and backed up to woods, which made it feel more... comfortable, since I live in a very wooded neighborhood. The place we were looking at though had unfortunately already been sold, but since it's Spring, Natalie said to keep a look out for others going up for sale. Anyway, the inside was just perfect. It had all hardwood flooring in the downstairs, which was soooo nice. It was also huge, and the master bedroom had this amazing arched window that just completely lit up the room. I think it had a walk-in closet in one of the upstairs bedrooms (possibly the master, but I can't remember). It was really nice. This one was my favourite, by far (of course, the SOLD one).

The next one was nice but I don't really remember much about it haha. I suppose I was just so blown away by previous one. OH, I think the master bathroom was really big, with an attached walk-in closet, and separate bath and shower, and the bath was really big and nice.

Anyway, it was kind of fun. Actually decorating the place will be the fun part though. I'll probably want to repaint the walls different colours, and I was thinking maybe that would be something Nick and I could do together. He may not think that would be fun, but I do. And my parents are replacing all the counters in the house with Corian, as well as repainting all the rooms/places we had wallpaper. So if I end up wanting to do either of those, at least I'll know where to go. But I'm not sure yet.

You may wonder why in the hell I'd want to move out when I JUST turned 18. For one, it would really help with the dependency I have on my parents to "take care of me." Two, my father drives me up the wall. Three, I can have my own studio kinda thing where I have ONLY art stuff. Right now, all my stuff is scattered throughout the house. Having a new place may help me organize. I don't plan to completely move in right away. I'm going to take it gradually. It will take me awhile to get the place to a point where I could live there without it feeling... temporary. Like a hotel room, you know? I dont know, maybe I'm going into this too fast. I mean... just months ago I couldn't even begin to dream of moving out... but now that I can... now that I'm 18 and I'm old enough... it seems SO appealing. Maybe it's just that the grass is always greener. Maybe I really do need time away from my parents. I'm sure my therapist would agree to that one. *Sigh*. So would my dad. My mom on the other hand doesn't want me to move out.

And if it weren't for my dad, neither would I. And goddamn I hate saying that. It actually hurts to read that sentence... *Sigh* I mean... I know he cares about me, I know he loves me, but he just doesn't SHOW it to me like he should. It's been like that for so long, I'm conditioned to it. But... I'm not even going to get into that right now... He's not a horrible person, he's jus... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7746523/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7746523/ Sun, 29 Jan 2006 22:21:39 PST
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First of all: if you HAVEN'T already seen it, PLEASE do yourself and all favor and watch "The Chronicles of Narnia Rap" (by Lazy Sunday? I think) from SNL. Here's a link (in case you don't know how to use google): [link]

Now send it to all your friends.

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Watched Se7en tonight. I don't really know what to think. I liked it, but it was... horrible. Haha. Horribly violent, sadistic and morbid, but I guess in some ways I like that kind of stuff. It reminded me a lot of Saw, and I'm guessing the people who made Saw got a little inspiration from this movie. Both were "psychological thrillers" which I tend to like.

So that's another one off my list of older classics I needed to see. The last one was A Clockwork Orange. Well now I've seen both and I'd have to say, I didn't care much for ACO. That kind of thing just doesn't appeal to me. However, it made me think, and I like movies that can make me think. So yeah, I'm kinda glad I watched them.

Also, I saw Underworld: Evolution, which kicked major ass. God I just LOVE Kate Beckinsale. Especially as a vampire. (HOOOTTTTT) Damn I just couldn't get over how awesome she was haha. That was a really good movie, but I doubt it would have been what it was without Kate. She MADE that movie. It was better than the first, and I know a lot of people didn't like the first one (it wasn't THAT cheesy!) but not me, I loved it. I'm not a really big critic, I like pretty much anything that can keep me entertained. I'm not too picky about acting.

(I don't want any comments saying "OH I HATED UNDERWORLD." I don't give a shit. If you agree with me, fine, but if you don't, please, keep it to yourself. You're entitled to your opinion, yes, but I. just. don't. want. to hear it. Thank you )

Anyways, how am I doing? Right now I have to pee. Other than that I've been in bed sleeping a lot. Occasionally waking up for a bit to watch/go to movies or draw or browse DA, but not much else really. Yeah, sounds awful doesn't it? Well, we've also been checking out some apartments/town homes/condos for me to look into. I was GOING to an open house today but I felt like crap and slept till 6pm... been tired all night. The pain management has been helping... but it's also been causing some major problems, which seems to be the case with everything. It's not fair... nothing can just be GOOD without there being a catch. *Sigh* Anyway, I take it once every couple days (2 days, max) and the first night that I take it I ALWAYS get really itchy in the middle of the night. Somtimes it's so bad I get almost no sleep. I've tried Benadryl, I've tried everything to stop the itching, and then there are some nights when it just doesn't happen, where I don't itch at all, which confuses me. Opioids are wierd drugs. And of course the way they are for me is unlike anything anyone else experiences because my system works totally differently than everyone elses... which makes it even harder to find meds that work. Blech.

So yeah. I'm going to bed. Early again (1:20ish am). And I'll probably sleep until 6pm or something. Again.

Been trying to draw more. I'll have a few things to post soon.

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7587664/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7587664/ Thu, 12 Jan 2006 21:15:53 PST
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Yeah, I did it. I actually got a lip ring. My mom took me to Warlock's and even though it was late, she wanted to go home, and it took 20 minutes for us to find the place, she couldn't stop me from getting it. After all, she said I could pierce whatever the hell I wanted when I turn 18!

The girl that did it was really nice. She had sever facial piercings herself so I knew she had to know what she was talking about. It went nice and quick, she told me to take a deep breath in, out, in again, out again, and JAB, in goes the needle. "Okay, come back in 6 months and we'll put the ring in."

I was like O___O and she laughed and said "just kidding" and put the ring in. It literally went numb after a couple seconds, and started hurting again about 10 minutes later.

I have to swish mouthwash after every time I eat, and clean the outside with soap twice a day and most importantly, BRUSH MY TEETH twice a day. And I've actually been doing a damn good job of all of that. The soap stuff burns like a mofo though, and tastes really nasty.

But damnit, it's gonna be worth all that trouble! I've wanted the damn thing for YEARS and I've finally got it! And it's sexy supa sexay, I tell ya. I took some pictures, but they weren't all that great, so you'll have to wait a bit. Plus, I'd rather you see it when the swelling goes down a bit.

My mom said that after the girl explained everything I had to do to keep it from getting infected and whatnot, that she thought I wouldn't do it. HAHA. I SHOWED HER.

Anywhoo, my fashion illustration class is going... well... okay. I don't know what to think. Part of me feels like I'm really not ready to get back into being in "class" again, and that I'd rather learn this stuff on my own, because being around people just makes me feel uncomfortable. But part of me doesn't want to quit because my mom really wants me to take it, and people will think I'm just a lazy ass, and... stuff... and that's really not it. There's a lot of stuff that we'll be learning in that class that either I've already learned, or don't care to know. The rest is stuff I could teach myself with the book.

*Sigh* we'll see how it goes. It's my decision isn't it? If I'm not comfortable being in that class, it's my choice whether or not I should quit, right? And honestly I don't want advice on this, kay? I've heard enough of it from my mother.

So anyways, I'm off to do some more drawing and such. I know I haven't posted much lately but I'm trying! Really I am, I'll have something eventually, trust me. I have several projects I'm working on right now.

Yeah... so have a nice day...

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7511465/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7511465/ Wed, 04 Jan 2006 19:09:32 PST
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- -

Whoo, I'm freaking 18, bitches~!! Hell yes!

Taylor and Hillary (and my mom and nance (their mother)) took me to this little pottery place (like "Amazing Glaze" but not the same name) with all kinds of pottery stuff, ready-to-paint, and we painted some pottery. It probably sounds rather childish but it was sooo fun. I forgot how fun that was (I'd gone to a birthday party years ago where that's what we did).

Before that, I woke up, ate breakfast, and opened some prezzies from my mom, my favourite aunt and my grandmothers. I got a Gloomy Bear stuffed animal (which I asked for), a beautiful necklace (called a "floating opal", a little amulet with sterling silver top/lid that's filled with water (or another clear liquid) and several little floating opal chips), a teacup and saucer set that I'd asked for with pretty orange fishies on it (so cute but so -not- something anyone would expect me to like), aaaand lastly... a pair of pretty little earrings from my fave aunt. I got another thing from my mom and dad but it was the wrong one, because of a mixup with the website, and we're sending it back. There were other things I'd rather have ANYWAY, or nothing at all, so OH WELL.

Yeah, 18 is supposed to be special, you're supposed to get a car or somethin', but I already have one so this is fine. I don't NEED anything really, so I don't care.

I had a lovely birthday. I'm getting together with the Murphy's again Friday night for dinner. Maybe Nance will make her red velvet cake... mmm. And then Saturday night I'm going out with Murphy to see a movie or something.

Yeah. Tomorrow I have to sign financial papers, since we're moving my account to a new bank/trust and because I'm 18 now. Luckily my mother isn't pushing all the insurance/finances/taxes/bills and shit onto me just yet... thank GOD. Oh man, you wouldn't believe how much shit we have to go thru to get pain killers... insurance companies are BASTARDS. They keep turning down our claims on my pain killer and eventually I'm gonna end up in withdrawal because they don't want to frikkin pay for someone with so many medical problems. UGH. It's not fair. People who really need insurance because of serious medical problems CANT get it because the companies don't want to have to pay, and people who will likely never need it get accepted *snaps fingers* just like that! *Sigh* one thing about corporate america which I hate with a freaking PASSION .

So anywho, after that we're going BACK to the pottery place because I didn't finish my plate, because I'm slow and meticulous and a total perfectionist when it comes to lame stuff like that, and need about another 3 hours to work on it haha. And there were a few other things I wanted to paint.

Friday I have a therapy appointment, at which I am going to spew my utter joy and happiness over actually feeling somewhat good recently, and quite possibly giving her a heart attack from shock that I have something GOOD to talk about.
I start my FASHION ILLUSTRATION class on the 9th.
I'm getting a lip ring sometime soon. Hopefully before that (the ninth, that is) and hopefully they(teachers/admin/whatever) won't make me take it out(shouldn't, since it's college for crying out loud), since it was such a pain to get anyway (since I've wanted one for freaking YEARS and my stupid parents(DAD) are/is a buttmunch. Yep.

And yes, I know I use way too many parentheses. Bite me.

Have a lovely day!

behind every dark cloud... is [technically, a lighter cloud; but for metaphorical purposes] an even darker cloud. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7433996/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7433996/ Tue, 27 Dec 2005 18:42:56 PST
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The holidays are over.
Yay.

My holidays sucked so much butt... that I'm not even going to finish that sentence. *Sigh* I got what I wanted for the most part, and honestly didn't care one way or another. I simply hate being there. I wished more than anything that I could have spent Christmas with Nicholas. Even just spending it home would have made it better. But no, I had to be in my least favourite place in the world, with my least favourite PERSON in the world. Ugh.
Anyway this is basically what I got: About 12 books, a bunch of clothes, a diamond necklace (from my mom), this other pretty necklace, a painting for my room, this adapter thing for my car so that i can listen to my iPod in it, and a biiiiig set of Prismacolor markers (which was the best gift).

Okay, I have to admit, my grandma wasn't bad this time. She's been tolerable the past 2 or 3 times I've seen her. However, my father was getting on my last nerves. Maybe I was just looking for things to be pissy about, but I felt rather awful the whole time I was there. Physically and mentally. I went to bed around midnight all three nights though, which is unusual for me. Maybe I'll be able to stay on that schedule.

The drives there and back were absolutely exhausting. I didn't even drive and I was exhausted. In fact, I slept the whole way both trips! Meh. I guess I just don't feel well.

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything in a long time. I haven't really made anything I feel is worth posting. I should have something soon though.

Anyway, I hope everyone else had a good holiday.

My birthday is in like... 8 days. I'll be 18. Yay. I'm SO [not] excited. Actually, I'm getting my lip pierced, so I'm kinda excited. Other than that, I'm not really even having a party I don't think.

behind every dark cloud... is an even darker cloud. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7404186/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7404186/ Sat, 24 Dec 2005 14:33:01 PST
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--

This past week has been full of... reflection? Maybe that's the word. I dunno.

It's Christmas Eve, and tonight we're going to the Murphy's (Taylor and Hilly's) house for dinner. After that, we get to spend the rest of the night (FOUR HOURS) driving to Asheville. Ugh. I am NOT looking forward to spending Christmas there, but I guess I just have to freaking deal with it. *Sigh* There is NOTHING to do there. NOTHING. She doesn't even have a DVD player. I have to use DIAL-UP for FOUR DAYS. I'm going to go NUTS. Ugh.

Anyway, I wrote a journal entry two nights ago (Thursday) after I went to see King Kong and since I forgot to post it, here it is:

Tonight I went to see King Kong with Taylor and Hillary. It was good seeing them again, it had been nearly a month. You know, that means I haven't seen any of my friends in a month, because I didn't get together with anyone else, either. *Sigh* I have no life. But yeah, the movie was good. It was sad, though, but I didn't cry. My eyes have been irritated for two or three days and tonight they were just too damn dry for me to cry. Plus it was fictional and I guess my cry-reflexes realized that. Whatever that means. o.O Anyways, there were these guys sitting next to us, with one seat between them and me. They were actually quite obnoxious. Sometimes I really hate boys. And by boys I mean pretty much most of the male gender.

Anyway, these guys were laughing at the scene with the natives when they were doing their sacrificial ceremony thing, probably because they looked "wierd". I know it's a typical thing for... er... teenagers (I guess?) to do... and most people probably wouldn't be bothered by it, but I thought it was disrespectful. But whatever. Then one of the guys, I think the guy closest to me FARTED really loud and REALLY obviously. Ugh. Fortunately, I never smelled it, THANK GOD. That was bad enough, and then they got up and left halfway through the movie. Stupid boys. They just don't understand that kind of thing. I guess it was just too sentimental. I think my favourite line was "There's only one thing that can make a track that big... *pause* The abominable snowman!" Teehee.

Oh yeah, and they made Jack Black's character SO UNBEARABLY MELODRAMATIC. I suppose that's what movie producers were like "back then" but... gah. I disliked his character from the start.

Then there were several parts with giant bugs that made me cringe and want to curl up in a ball and die. Like the giant centipedes that were crawling all over her... ewwww. And those other... giant... sluggy things... that like ate that one guy's head... omg... yuck. I. HATE. BUGS. With a firey passion.

Sooo yeah. Last night I had a series of nightmares that all had the same beginning; same scene and everything, but they all developed differently. All were really scary and really morbid. I had to try really hard to wake myself up from them, and then of course I was scared to fall back asleep because all I could think about was the dreams. Usually, if I think about something while I'm falling asleep, I dream about it. So that's probably why I kept having basically the same dream over and over. The second one I tried to wake myself up from, after realizing it was just as freaky as the first, I just woke up into another one >.< it was yucky.

Wahhh. My eyes burnnnn... my mom gave me these drops last night and said they don't burn but when I put them in they burned like a mofo. I was like "OW >.< MOOOOM!!!1!" she was all "they don't burn for meeee" she must use them when her eyes aren't bright friggen red and bloodshot. I looked like a friggen druggie.
[/End Thursday Entry]

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Yeah so we just made another batch of Christmas cookies haha. We'd already finished the other batch. In like 5 days. I love decorating them. I made them so preeeetty. We had just a little too much frosting so I put like LOADS of it on the last cookie, which is MINEMINEMINE. Teehee. And we're not sharing. Not one cookie.

Ugh now I have to pack. I had my fun and now I get to do the dirty work.

I still haven't made my mom's Christmas present... I bought her something but she knows what it is, and she was complaining today that she isn't going to have any presents that would be a surprise. I felt bad... I have to try to make her one sometime tomorrow or something. Guh, she'll just have to get a late Christmas present from me.

Lol, I love the word batch. You stupid batch! lol... I'm such a dork.

Happy holidays everyone, eh... happy Chrismahannakwaanzukka!! (or however you spell that... http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7325664/ Fri, 16 Dec 2005 07:37:24 PST
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Well these demon days are so cold inside...

I'm not doing so well. Wednesday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. On the way there, I started feeling nauseated, and as soon as we got there, I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. I had just switched antibiotics, and since that was the only thing we'd changed, we guessed it must have been an interaction between the opioid (Fentanyl) and the antibiotic I was on. We talked to Lithman about it (my psychiatrist) and he checked his book and told us that Rifaxamin causes the level of opioids in my system to go way up, so basically I had an overdose, which is why I puked. So I felt shitty the whole rest of that day, and spent most of it in bed.

Yesterday I felt really really down, more depressed than I've been in a very long time. I'd finally heard from Nick a couple nights ago, and yesterday was the first time I'd spoken to him since he called and told me what happened. We had another one of our stupid "misunderstandings" as he calls it; he said when I called him the second time and left a message saying how worried I was after not hearing from him for 3 days, I sounded "cold and void of emotion." Which made me feel terrible, because in truth, I was choking back tears, I was so worried about him. It hurt me that he could sense a total lack of emotion when I was practically in tears... it was just one of those misunderstandings that seem to happen more often than they should... but it really hurt me...

After that, I went in to speak with my mother, who had bad news. When I was about 6 or 7, we went to Boston, Mass. and stayed at this place that helps people with the same condition I have to cope and be able to live life as normally as possible. No two people with this condition are exactly the same; some are worse, and some better. But one of them we will always remember. His name was Paul. He was much worse off than I was, but my parents became friends with his family. Ever since then they've kept in touch through email and we send each other Christmas cards. Recently, since I've been having so many problems with my stomach, we've been looking into this surgery called STEP. It's a rather new procedure, invented in 2003 (I think) and while it hasn't been done as many times as it's predecessor (the Bianchi procedure), it seems to be more effective. We'd researched the Bianchi procedure in the past, and found that in many cases, it didn't work. After speaking with several different doctors who have done the STEP procedure, including the doctor who actually invented it, we decided the STEP procedure could be another option for me, if the pain killers didn't work... and it gave me hope knowing that there was something beyond medications what might help me.

Anyway, my mother told me that Paul, who is about 15 or 16 now, had the Bianchi procedure several years ago, and it didn't work. Several months after the procedure, his bowels went back to exactly how they were before the procedure. Then she told me that she'd sent Paul's mother an email asking her about the STEP procedure; had they heard of it, and did they know any thing about it that may help us? She emailed back saying that Paul had had the STEP procedure about two years ago. Since then, his quality of life has dropped by 50%. Basically, (I really don't understand this yet) his stomach stopped emptying into his bowels altogether, so his bowels became completely useless, and his stomach now has to be emptied several times a day through a very large tube. She said something else about having to "decompress" his stomach... which I don't quite understand but it sounds very painful. She said the tube leaks all the time while he's at school (and I'm thinking, HE GOES TO SCHOOL?!) and he has to change shirts three or four times a day. I'm guessing something went completely wrong during the procedure but I found this information to be extremely discouraging...

After she told me... I just... I started crying.

Until we find out more about why this happened to him... I have given up hope that this procedure may help me... I know there are many differences between Paul's condition and mine, but I am not willing to risk 50% of my quality of life in the hopes that it will. My mother emailed Paul's mother back asking her how on earth something like this could happen, who the surgeons were, what went wrong, etc. and hopefully we'll be able to find out if it was the procedure itself or the way it was carried out that cause such problems. I can't imagine what they've been through...

After all that, I just wanted to go back to bed. I felt like there was nothing else in the world that could distract me from feeling so down. I've been unhappy with the artwork I've produced... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7296872/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7296872/ Tue, 13 Dec 2005 02:11:05 PST
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Just to get the last entry off the front page...
It was just unimportant drivel that really wouldn't interest you or anyone. *Sigh.*

-


God I'm so worried about Nicholas. I don't know what to think. It's been more than three days now since I last talked to him, and I have no idea where he is or why he hasn't contacted me. I've called his cell twice (that's the only number I know of his) and even tried calling his mother. She wasn't in, and I'm going to call later, maybe she was at work. I really hope he's okay... I'm even more worried because the last time we talked he told me he'd been having coughing fits... I worried maybe it was something serious. He said one of them lasted like 10-15 minutes. Before that, he'd had a cold for like a week and a half. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't okay...



I'm so scared. I need him...
*Sigh*... I can't possible sleep when I'm like this... but I guess I should go try anyway...

behind every dark cloud... is an even darker cloud. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7296794/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7296794/ Mon, 12 Dec 2005 22:49:50 PST
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+

I hate my father. I can honestly say that without a twinge of regret anymore. I ask him a simple question like "Why not switch cell phone companies to Sprint so I can get a Motorola Razor?" (and I was actually kind of joking, anyhow) and he gets all defensive and goes off on a tangent in the most condescending tone ever, shoving me even further down into the mud with the cockroaches and maggots, making me feel like dirt. "People who have or want Razors only care about style and not functionality. If only you'd do some research you'd see that Verizon is much more superior than Sprint blahblahblah you can't just buy something like that just because it's pretty to look at! Usually the most pretty things are cheap and don't work!"
"Well then why do so many people have them!"
"Because they're stupid and only care about looking cool."

So then he asks "Is your iPod the kind that can play video?"
"No... I got it just before they came out with that-"
"Well that sucks!"
"Yeah, it just figures, doesn't it."
"SEE? You go and get all worked up about something and you're so impatient that you just can't WAIT to go get it, and then the next day they come out with something better!" he yells at me! What the fuck?! I had just told him how much I hated how condescending he is towards me when I ask him simple questions... and he apologized and said how I should never put up with people who treat me like that and then what?! He starts yelling at me about some stupid iPod.

Not to mention I haven't spoken to Nick in THREE DAYS now, and I'm fucking worried sick about him. I've called him and left a message on his phone, he hasn't been online, he hasn't called my cell... I don't know what to think! What if he's been in an accident or something?! What if he had to go to the hospital?! What am I supposed to think? And my father KNOWS this! How can he be so fucking insensitive?! God I FUCKING HATE HIM.

"I'm not sitting in here with you anymore. I can't stand to be around you."
"Yeah yeah. *mumbles something*"
"I had no control over it! Don't go blaming me!" I start walking away into the other room.
"It's all your fault."
I slammed the door as loud as I could. But it wasn't as loud as I wanted... I wanted the whole world to hear it. This end of the house is sinking into the earth so my room is all crooked with cracks in the walls and the door doesn't fit right in the doorframe, so it wouldn't even close. It's not fair. I want to record our conversations and play them back for the world to hear so everyone knows why I can't stand myself. IT'S HIM. HE makes me hate myself so goddamn much. He treats me like a fucking child, like I'm retarded or something. He can't explain something without it sounding like I should have known it already!

I don't know what to think about Nick... if he was sick I'm sure he would have at least tried to leave a message on MSN that he wasn't going to be around... if something came up and he had to go somewhere he would have told me... he would have left a message on my phone or something... and earlier when I checked my phone for messages (it was almost dead) at first it said I had two new messages, so I pressed call, to call my voicemail and it says "You have no unheard messages..." so I try again, and it says the same thing. So I just turn it off. Then I ask my dad and when I turn it back on there were no messages or anything... so maybe he tried to get in touch with me... but wouldn't it be in "missed calls"? It didn't say I had any missed calls, so I don't know what to think. I'm so confused and worried and frustrated and there's no way I'd be able to sleep or have the concentration to do anything else. God I want to kick my dad's face in so bad... he's suck a fucking jerk. Why does he do that? He says he loves me and he tries sooo hard to show me, but that's such a fucking lie... he ALWAYS treats me like dirt and it's not fair! How could I possibly love myself when he's constantly treating me like shit!

Maybe I am shit. Everytime he does this, I hate myself just a little more, and my ability to push it away becomes a little weaker... and I know that it will never stop. He'll never stop. I don't understand how he can treat people like this and not feel guilty about it. And even when he apologizes it never sounds sincere, from the heart. It sounds like he's just saying it to clear his OWN fucking conscience. All he cares about is what benefits him. The reason he's upset about the iPod thing is because somehow it would have benefited HIM; HE could watch some video on it or... something. Even though it's MY fucking iPod that I spent MY money on. He's too fucking selfish to see that he's killing me every day with his selfishness,... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7279496/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7279496/ Sun, 11 Dec 2005 04:50:50 PST
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+

So, I am officially registered for the fashion illustration class at Wake Tech. in January on Mondays and Wednesdays...

I'm probably gonna get scared at the last minute and drop out... I can just see it. I keep having nightmares about school, churning up all of the emotions I've worked so hard to push away. All the emotions that I experienced at school... I hate it that my dreams feed off of my worst fears. I know everyone says college is different, and it's just one class, but it's still school to me. It's still someone telling me what to do. It's still DEADLINES and TESTS. And that's what I hated so much. Especially with art, I have such a hard time working with time constraints. The knowledge that I have to have it done by a specific time automatically puts me into an art block, where every iota of inspiration disappears. I just don't know if I'm ready. My mom thinks I should do it, even if I don't think I'm ready... she just wants to get rid of me. *Sigh*. Also, I hate when people see my work when it's unfinished or in progress... I probably do more erasing and starting over than anyone on this planet. This will be no different. Plus I'll probably be the youngest and most inexperienced... I'll have only JUST turned 18.

I dunno, it'll probably be fun, and I'll probably have some neat stuff to show when it's over... but I can't help but be scared.

So yesterday, no wait... the day before that (Friday), I woke up feeling rather sick. I was in a cold sweat and my whole body seemed to ache. I went downstairs and ate stuff as usual and told my mother I wasn't feeling well. Then we both realized that I hadn't changed my painmurdering patch since Sunday (I'm supposed to change them every 3 days) so I was going through withdrawal. I'm surprised it wasn't worse, like shaking and stuff, but I suppose I'm not really on a high enough dose for it to affect me that much. I sure felt awful though... my whole body ached. I tried stretching my muscles and changing positions but I just couldn't get comfortable, so I took a tylenol and went back to bed (after changing the patch, of course).

I went shopping a few days ago, and that felt good. FINALLY getting out of the house for some fresh air and fun. I got prezzies for my best friends. And of course I got some stuff for me, because I'm selfish and obsessed with spending money. Most of it was for other people though.

I have to admit, I've been obsessing over all the anime art on DA recently... I was dragged by into reading "Death Note" from overall curiosity and some really great fanart, and now I'm hooked. It's quite entertaining. Expect some fanart and possibly more anime-style drawings... or not, depending how I feel about posting things.

Also got a few "Nightmares and Fairytales" books by Serena Valentina and FSc. I love the drawings. Expect more fanart from these, as well.

Whuh... I'm tired. Even though I finally got back on a normal schedule a couple days ago, sleeping-wise, I'm right back where I started again. Yesterday (Sat.) I went to bed just after my parents got up. Feh. I'm just getting ready to go to bed now, at 7am. Another day, wasted by sleep. Then again, there wasn't really anything I had planned on doing, so what does it matter?

We watched Apollo 13 because my dad has been nagging us for weeks that he wanted to watch it. So yeah, that was interesting. I hadn't seen it in a really long time.

And Friday night I watched a german movie called The Edukators. That was awesome. It was really sad and made me cry because I totally related to part of it... I also cried at the end because it had a happy ending, which is something I really needed to see. Plus it really made me miss Nicholas... anyway. It was a great movie, I highly recommend it.

Speaking of Nick, we got in a rather nasty argument last night, mostly my fault for not being lenient with him due to his ever-increasing amount of stress. Basically, both of us were in highly emotional states, and reacted way too drastically to things that shouldn't have mattered. But we're over it, and obviously I forgave him, because I know he's stressed and working hard to be able to see me. OH, and I have the greatest news... he's coming back in late January/early Feb!!!11 I'm so excited *dances* I really wished I could spend Christmas with him, or at least New Years, OR my birthday, but he just couldn't do it with all the work he's been having. He'll be going into London to hand in papers for his Visa sometime in January, and he's coming here while waiting for it to come back. He may only stay for 3 months again, but that's just fine, I'm just happy he could come a... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7225511/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7225511/ Mon, 05 Dec 2005 01:37:02 PST
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Whee, artpad=fun: [link]
CLICKYCLICKY!!

I usually don't like for people to see my art while it's in progress... but this thing had an undo button, and you don't get to see the stupid mistakes I made. I swear I clicked undo like 4960234 times... literally. My hands are getting shakier everyday. It's so not good...

I've been drawing lots. Nothing worth posting yet, though. Just practice.

Everything makes me want to cry recently. Especially music... some songs just send chills down my spine.

And my eyes burn from yesterday's makeup.

I showered, and it feels good to be clean again.

I was thinking about something earlier... how if I were to go blind somehow, I would kill myself. First I thought about the question "Would you rather be blind or deaf?" and I would so choose deaf. I know music is so wonderful and it really is important to me, but... I don't know what I'd do without art... I have nightmares where I can't see right and it's one of the worst feelings ever.

My mom is home. Home life is better now. I won't be starving anymore. Haha, jk. I wasn't starving; he actually did pretty good considering how rarely he has to be in charge of everything. He actually made us this amazing dinner to make my mom feel more welcomed. She said she thought she was gonna get in the car and hear "So, what's for dinner?" lol. I totally would have been the one to say that... but only jokingly.

God I have a craving for meat loaf. How crazy is that? Haha. Oh man it sounds so good though...

I need to get my sleeping schedule back on track... I'm still going to bed at like 7-8am and waking up around 7-8pm... it's CRAZY. My mom's like "But then I'll NEVER see you!"

She's waking me up at 4pm tomorrow so we can go shopping. That will be so good... oh man, it's been so long since I left the house. I'm going insane.

I'll be posting some photos.

"where'd you go?
I miss you so
seems like it's been forever
that you've been gone,
please come back home..." ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7217040/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7217040/ Sun, 04 Dec 2005 02:25:46 PST
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Tonight I watched most of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. I'd already seen it but I liked it, and wanted to see it again. Then we (my dad and I) watched Eminem, Live in NYC. That was pretty cool. A lot of "put yo hands up!" and other such things. My dad actually likes Eminem... because he's crude, just like my dad. Only my dad is more obnoxious in his crudeness.

I'm taking a shower in a few minutes... when I finish this. Hopefully I'll feel better. Right now I feel digusting. I've worn the same sweater for 4 days. Fortunately, I don't sweat.

My mom gets back today! *dances* I need to go SHOPPING omg, I'm going through withdrawal. Shopping is like my therapy. Plus I need to get Christmas presents... for... my three friends. And... myself... teehee.

Awe man, my hands have been all shakey today... I was trying to draw but they're too spazzy.

I've only been getting one of my meds dosages per day (usually I'm supposed to take them once in the morning and once at night, but I've only been getting my nightly meds) and I haven't really felt worse than usual. I mean yeah, I always have a stomach ache, but it's no worse when I skip morning meds. It's just been so difficult since I've been sleeping between 8am and 7 or 8pm. I take the nightly ones (before I go to sleep) because they have my antidepressants. My mom says if I miss those I'll go crazy and kill myself or something. Not really, but she says I'll probably be more likely to have an emotional breakdown, which I've found true on several occasions. I take those before I sleep because they make me sleepy. I don't like being sleepy when I'm awake. Duh.

So, Im gonna go eat a bowl of cereal and take a shower.
Have a happy day.

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7190452/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7190452/ Thu, 01 Dec 2005 20:47:32 PST
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entry deleted.
hopefully not too many people read it, besides kelli, which is ok.


it was just me being a retard again, you didn't miss anything.

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7173517/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7173517/ Tue, 29 Nov 2005 03:13:19 PST
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x

So yeah. My old email address, the very first one I ever had (the one I have now is my 2nd) has 3,524 unread messages in it. There's actually 3 e-mail addresses under one account so that's all the junk mail I get for 3 different usernames. Lol. Crazy. ALL I WANTED WAS A PASSWORD. Gah.

Yeah, and 950 something website bookmarks. Probably more now. 3,798 objects in my "My Pictures" folder. That's 842 MB worth of images, etc. What can I say? I'm a compulsive saver... of pictures. I like to look at them later, when I need inspiration. What if I go back and the artist has deleted their whole gallery and are leaving DA? I'm obsessed, I know.

I've been eating Nerds by the handful. I feel sick. I've been sleeping so freaking much. It's the new medication, as usual. But I swear it was helping... I just have to stop eating so much sugar... I was making progress! Ugh... but I eat sugar when I'm depressed and I'm depressed when my mom isn't here... and my mom isn't here so... I'm depressed.

Yeah so my mom left last night and I'm stuck with my dad, who I really don't get along with. We're both extremely high maintenance people, and putting us together to take care of ourselves/each other, is the worst idea EVER. I'll starve, I'll forget my meds, I'll eat sugar and make myself sick, I'll sleep all day because no one wakes me up, I'll miss appointments... THE LIST GOES ON. *Sigh* I'm so pathetic.

I've got a lot of things to post. I've been much more inspired lately than when I was on the Methadone. God that stuff put me through hell. Feh. I've decided to work more on drawing and put photography on hold, since I'm thinking about doing that fashion illustration class next semester. I'm also gonna do some digital painting practice... something I've really wanted to get more into, but simply haven't had the motivation or inspiration (or energy) to do so.

My mom won't be back until Sunday. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself while she's gone. I guess I could just sleep the days away... like I've been doing.

Yay. I'm gonna go puke up all that sugar.
Have a lovely day. I won't.

x

i guess people don't exist when times are good... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7153981/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7153981/ Sun, 27 Nov 2005 00:21:11 PST
___

+

Happy late Thanksgiving everybody. Unless you're not... you know... American. (*shudders* I hate being related to that word...)

I spent mine at the Murphy's (with Taylor and Hillary and some of their family). My dad's mom and brother came down from Asheville and went with us. They're leaving tomorrow. The food was great; faves were the cranberry sauce, spiced peaches, and stuffing with gravy, and I don't really eat turkey. Unfortunately, I got a nasty stomach ache while eating, and was unable to eat much of what was on my plate. Enough to know it was all good though.

I'm gonna be completely cheesy and just say a few things I'm thankful for (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER). Just cause I'm bored and SOMEONE isn't talking to me.

~Parents/family. A given. And even though I HATE them sometimes, I know I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for my parents, for their efforts in doing what's best for me. And to my mother, for taking care of me in general. Ellen and Jim, for helping so much with medical problems and being great to have as a family overall.

~My kitties, mainly Stinky, who has actually gotten me through some really tough times by being a sweet and entertaining kitty. He can be very therapeutic sometimes just by sitting with me and just looking at me all lovingly like he does.

~ Nick. He's been there for me through some really rough times that no one else could have gotten me through. I appreciate and admire him for his ability to put up with everything I dish out, and trust me, it's a lot. I only hope it stays that way. He is forgiving, caring, tolerant, sweet, and just plain lovable (loveable? sp?).

~Taylor and Hillary (my second family). We've been best friends since the beginning of... kindergarten lol... meaning about 5 or 6 years old. I shared almost all of my childhood memories with them. Mi casa es su casa, and vice versa. We have definitely shared some good times.

~Friends. Not too many I consider "close," but I'll just name a few people that I still like to talk to/hang out with: Murphy, Josh and Lara.

~DeviantART. Yes, of course. And all of my friends from DA (again, in no particular order). Jeremy, Kelli, Cola, Carlos, Patrick... and the following deviants:
~MySockIsDead, ~MyPantsAreMissing, ~SocietySux, ~Boshudolor, ~shwayday, ~SuperegoAngst, ~AnkhaCrow, and anyone else who has ever supported me on this site! If I left you off, it's not because I don't appreciate your support, so please don't feel neglected!

~Lastly... (this is gonna be a clump of everything else I'm thankful for):
Computers, technology, good music, good movies, good food, clothes, medical care, talented people (for being inspiring), and a warm cozy house to sleep in.


Okay yeah, I'm done being lame.
Actually, scratch that, I'm always lame.

I've completely given up on Internet Explorer. I'm now using Opera. It's so awesome... totally customizable. You can have all your pages in one Opera window, and it hardly ever crashes, and if you accidently close it, all your sites will still be there when you open it again. It's great. I was so sick of IE crashing. But I know it was probably my fault anyway lol... since I look at about 25 different pages at once (I'm so ADD).

I'm really really cold right now. It feels like the air conditioning is running. I had to wear two sweaters and a sweatshirt to bed last night, with GLOVES and my hood over my head. And two pairs of socks. Is that not retarded?! Why do we even have a heater?! Grr.

God, I have to spend my favourite holiday in Asheville at my grandma's house. And I hate being there. There's NOTHING to do, the bed I'm supposed to sleep in is SO uncomfy, she doesn't use heat unless it's below freezing, and the only time I'd consider going is if Taylor and Hillary or Nick came with me, WHICH THEY CANT, so I'm feeling really shitty about that. And for once I'm NOT looking forward to Christmas. It's so not fair, and I wasn't even given any say in the decision. I'm SO going to make them miserable for this.

*Sigh* so I was all mad about this, and ranting to Nick, and when he said my parents have every right to make these decisions without my approval, I simply told him to shut up, I don't care. And... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7119617/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7119617/ Wed, 23 Nov 2005 12:45:55 PST
___



EDIT: I'm on the front cover of the "City & State" section of the News & Observer (our big newspaper). Go me. And yay for standing out like crazy in my black and white striped beanie.

Headline: CROWDS GRAB XBOXES
"Some stood in line all night for the video-game system; latecomers get to play a waiting game."

...and LATERcomers get to play the UNGLITCHY GAME SYSTEM. Muahaha. BEAT THAT, MR. LAME ARTICLE WRITER.

---

I don't know what's going on with Nick and I. Both of us were right, and both of us were wrong. We've forgiven each other but somehow I can't forgive myself. I feel like an overemotional retard that should go back to the loonie bin where I belong. In a straight jacket.

I'm so angry with myself.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I've now used up 2 and a half tissue boxes in the past week. 2 whole boxes of which are in my trashbin next to me.

No, I don't have a cold.

I've lost weight. I'm down to 97... with my clothes on. It's bad. My mom is giving me a month (3 weeks now) to get it above 100 and closer to 105 before she calls my GI doc, who will put me on nutritional feeds through a permanent central line. Which means a surgical procedure and me basically giving up hope of ever getting better.

I hate everything.
Almost.

I don't hate the new pain drugs. Damn, for once in my LIFE full of drama, I've gotten a little relief from the pain. I stuck the damn adhesive patch right on my stomach, RIGHT where it hurts. And it fucking works. At least I think it does... Maybe I just ate the right foods for a few days, maybe something else is doing it, but I actually felt okay yesterday. Okay = better than usual. Not dead tired like on the Methadone. But "okay."

Better than nothing. Just upped the dosage today, felt a little wierd, a little lightheaded? I dunno what it was, I could just tell something was different. But it'll go away soon.

Not been sleeping well. Go figure. I can only have one or the other. Either sleep too much, or don't sleep at all. Also been having really VIVID dreams. Not bad ones, because I try my best to think of happy things before I sleep. But vivid as hell. Like I'm actually in them, completely. No part of me is back in the real world. It's so wierd. I actually feel the things I touch... hmm.

All this anger I'm feeling towards myself is having at least one good effect... I'm drawing again. And I'm working harder on it. I'm not FORCING it. Which means the block is becoming weaker, and my inspiration is blossoming... which sounds gay, but whatever. This picture I'm working on now, it's in pencil, and I'm drawing it at a difficult time, started in the middle of a fight with my boyfriend, and I'm putting some real emotion into it. I hope it comes out as good as I invision it... I even got a few tears on it. How symbolic. And unbelievably emo, haha. "I put my blood, sweat and tears into this piece! (minus the blood... and sweat...)"

YET ANOTHER thing to blame on the Methadone. Gah. Stupid fucking meds, taking away the things that make me happiest. I hate that you can't ever know until you try it, especially with my fucked digestive system and the fact that I rarely absorb half of everything I consume. That's why the patch is different... I can stick it right on my stomach and it will absorb right through to the nerves and muscles that are inflamed, completely bypassing my digestive system, which has always been the number one problem and why I'm so different. Plus my immune system is very weak, especially now that I weigh 97 pounds. Ugh.

Nick and I are good. Even though I don't always understand the way his mind works, I love that boy. We always fix things. In the process I usually say things I don't mean. But that's just me, I speak my mind way too much sometimes. And I know when I say something wrong, because I feel it as I say it.

That's all for today.

i guess people don't exist when times are good...
-Bright Eyes, Napoleon's Hat ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7109765/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7109765/ Tue, 22 Nov 2005 19:42:15 PST
___



Yeah, I'm giving into the hype and getting up at 8 in the mornign to stand in line for an Xbox 360. Go me.

We tried calling all the places (my dad did, because he's OCD) but none of them knew ANYTHING. Sears had this HUGE advertisement for it and when we called they were like "Yeah we're getting two. As in two consoles." And I'm like WTF?!?!

The people we talked to at Circuit City and Best Buy knew NOTHING. They didn't know how many they'd be getting (minimum of 20) or which store would be more likely to have them, or which store would be less busy, or if they'll have the packaged deals, etc. etc.

I don't know WHY I'm doing this, I've never even PLAYED Xbox. But I got the impression that it will be the WORLD'S BEST CONSOLE EVER EVER IN THE WORLD. So yeah. And I suppose I won't mind playing Halo 3 with Nick...

Speaking of, he's afraid I'll be RAPED by sex-crazed geeks while standing in line.

"OMFG, LOOK... it's one of those... myth things!"
"You mean... a girl?"
"OMFG YES!" *tacklerapes*

Haha, riiiiight.
I haven't showered in I-don't-even-know-how-long, and I stink, and my hair is a mess. I doubt anyone would want to come within ten feet of me.

So this will be an adventure!

___

Update:

Yeah I did NOT get an Xbox360. Apparently I have to be totally hardcore obsessed and devoted and stand in line for 12-24 hours in the freezing cold and rain in order to get "tickets" (at Best Buy). After we stood in line and went inside and stood in line and, well, stood in line some more, we found out that if you DONT have a ticket (which was handed out at 7am, 2 hours before the store opens) then YOU DONT GET ONE, GO HOME BIATCH. So PHOOEY. We head over to Circuit City, where there are sleeping bags, umbrellas, tents, and trash from McDonald's all over the place in the line (about 30-35 people). So apparently these guys waited awhile too. Then someone said they had gotten another shipment in and had more vouchers to pass out. They'd already passed out the first batch earlier (before they opened) and it turns out there were only 15 more, and my mom was like number 30. Sooo we didn't get one. My dad went to CompUSA and the other Circuit City, same deal.

I'm totally not bummed, I totally did NOT get my hopes up and I TOTALLY don't care if I have to wait. I just figured, I don't have all that much excitement in my life, maybe I should actually get out and do something, and if I get one, AWESOME, if I don't, OH WELL. So yeah.

Oh well .

I'll get one eventually, I'll probably wait, like I think Cola92 said, until they get glitches out and stuff. And yes, Microsoft is a BITCH. One of the guys in line at Circuit City told my mom and a few other people that his brother in NYC sent him to see if it would be easier to get one here than in NYC because there, they're like TOTALLY rioting and it's a complete MOB, fighting and all. Haha. Oh and then a UPS truck pulled up and someone was like "QUICK, LETS HIJACK IT." and someone else was like "SHH, they might actually do it!" It was fun, nonetheless.

Although... I spend most of the time in the car, because I'm a weakling with no skin or fat on my bones and despite wearing 12 layers and a heavy coat, I would have frozen my skinny little ass off... BUT I PARTICIPATED. SO THERE.

---
In other news:
Nick and I are fighting. He just signed off and said he's not coming back for several days. And I'm the bad guy. Woohoo.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND BOYS AT ALL.

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7093787/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7093787/ Sun, 20 Nov 2005 04:12:56 PST
___



NIN:RightWhereItBelongs
(This song makes me cry...)

see the animal in his cage that you built
are you sure what side you're on?
better not look him too closely in the eye
are you sure what side of the glass you're on?

see the safety of the life you have built
everything where it belongs
feel the hollowness inside of your heart
and it's all... right where it belongs

what if everything around you
isn't quite as it seems?
what if all the world you think you know
is an elaborate dream?

and if you look at your reflection
is that all you want to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself...
find yourself afraid to see?

what if all the worlds inside of your head
just creations of your own
your devils and your gods,
all the living and the dead,
and you're really all alone?

you can live in this illusion
you can choose to believe
you keep looking but you cant find the woods
while you're hiding in the trees

what if everything around you
isn't quite as it seems?
what if all the world you used to know
is an elaborate dream?

and if you look at your reflection
is that all you want to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself...
find yourself afraid to see?



*cries*
I'm feeling really down... been having a hard time these past few days... months, even. I just don't feel so great. Please don't hate me if I don't respond to comments and faves.

All I want to do anymore is sleep.

]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7059880/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7059880/ Wed, 16 Nov 2005 00:16:45 PST
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I wanted to get that really long entry off the front page.

28 IE windows just closed themselves. Mostly DA pages. Some were from like 4 days ago, so I don't remember them. *Sigh* Maybe I need to reboot or something. This computer is driving me nuts. Then again, I do have a lot of stuff opened... that's the worst part of being ADD, I have a million different things going on at once.

I've been trying to start the story about Nick's dream. He gave me a little more info to work with, which made it a lot more interesting.

I got on the scale today, thinking that since I've been feeling better recently, maybe I'd have gained a little weight, but no. I'm still right on 100. I really need to work on that...

I'm unhappy with nearly all of the pictures I took at the arboretum the other day. I really hope my parents will let me get a new camera for Christmas. Not like I don't already have two. I wanted something almost "professional" but without having to pay $1000, and that's what I got. But it just isn't cutting it. My dad says it's because I don't know how to use it. He always says that. He says I can't get anything new until I learn how to use the old one. I hate him sometimes. He can really grate on my sanity. He knows JUST the right things to say to set me off and he's not afraid to say them. The worst part is he does it intentionally. The thing is, I want to be able to get a nice clear, grainless photo using surrounding light, and not the flash. But I can't. Out of at least a thousand pictures I've taken with this camera, the ones I've submitted are pretty much the only ones I've been somewhat happy with. Maybe he's right though, maybe I'm just camera-stupid. Maybe I don't know how to use this thing that I've been working with for about 6 months now.

*Sigh* I'm all discouraged now. About my photography, about my art in general. I thrive way too much on the feedback I get, when I really just do it for fun... and frankly, it's not been fun anymore. I feel like I'm forcing myself. But it's not like I don't WANT to draw, I do, it's just... when I do I feel like I'm being held back by something. Some kind of filter in my head that makes it hard for an image to stay solid in my mind while I'm trying to draw it... or something... I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just disappointed.

I guess I'll go back to writing now. The story. It's not gotten very far. I simply copy and pasted what Nick wrote into a document... and fixed spelling mistakes.

Oh yeah, and my mom is going to leave me here with my dad for three or four days to go up to IL and help my aunt (Ellen, her sister) with Rachel (Ellen's daughter) take care of her kids while she's recovering from surgery. This is after Thanksgiving. I'm not looking forward to that. He's very unsympathetic when it comes to my health. At least he would be when I was in school. He'd never let me stay home without getting really pissed and yelling at me about how I'll have lots of work to do and how I'll get behind and how I can't do this everyday just because I don't feel like going blah blah. *Sigh* He's been the source of a LOT of my frustration ALL through my life.

I need a break from all of this...
I've given myself too many projects, too many things to do. And I'm disappointed in myself for being so stressed over this stuff, even though the expectations are my own. I should be able to finish this stuff. It shouldn't be that difficult! I should stop doing whatever it is I'm doing all the time and actually WORK. But when I get to that point I'm like... "now what?" and I just... I lose motivation. Especially if I'm not happy with what I'm working on, which is almost always.

Ugh whine whine whine. I need to shut the hell up.
Goodnight.

Oh yeah. Thanks for 18k pageviews. I missed it and honestly I don't care. Maybe I'll catch 20k.

self inflicted wounds
your gift, impeccable aim
can really clear a room
all the bodies, piled up in your way ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7051276/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7051276/ Tue, 15 Nov 2005 19:34:12 PST
___


I can't believe this. I had PSCS2 opened with about 12 pictures up that I was going to work on (photos) and one or two digital drawings that I've been working on over the past week, and so I'm almost ready to save this one photo that I was working on and it makes that "error" sound twice and Photoshop blinks and then closes. Along with all of the pictures I'd been working on... GAH. And I STUPIDLY hadn't saved the images that I'd been working on and there were like 5 or 6 that I hadn't saved! SHIT. Ugh. I dunno what to do! I'd worked really hard on that stuff! *Sigh* I know it's my fault because I don't save enough but why the fuck does it have to crash on me like that?



My computer has been driving me insane! First I couldn't find the discs that go with my scanner. So I had to download the drivers from the website which took forever. And then I was trying to scan these pictures to send to Nick for him to send to his mom and EVERYTHING was going wrong, and it was all crashing down on me at once! My email account wouldn't let me upload photos to the email message unless I installed some new thing for attaching files, and when I'd click Install it would come up with some error message that gave me the option to "retry" or "cancel" and everytime that error message came up and no matter which one I pushed it would go back to the page where I was supposed to Install. No "installation wizard" thingy ever popped up until after my like... 30th try! THAT was obnoxious. So finally I sent one email with 2 images (out of like 8). After attaching the rest of the pictures to another email, it went back to the FIRST message I'd sent with the first two pictures on it, no sign of the other 6. What the fuck? I was so confused. I just exited and started over. But it was so frustrating. I actually started crying at one point out of sheer frustration.

God I've been so stressed lately...

Anyway, I have several things to discuss... besides my anger and frustration and stress.

I've been feeling better with each day, as we've been lowering my dosage of the pain killers. I'm still unnaturally tired all the time, but usually because I stay up late. I'm still working on getting my weight back up but it's really slow. I'd gotten down to about 99 a few days ago, which is really bad for me. If I'd stayed that low for long, I'd be suffering the medical consequences, which are difficult to explain without revealing my entire life story, SO we'll skip that. Anyway, it's bad. So I've been working on it.

My mother has been making me have meetings with their financial manager, so that I can learn about managing money when I'm older. I'm not exactly planning on taking a class for that, and I haven't in the past, so it'll be good for me to learn a few things about investing and stuff. Plus I watched Mad Money last night with Jim Kramer. He's psychotic, but it's actually kind of fun to watch. He gets everyone so riled up about something that usually people don't get too excited about. They featured him on 60 Minutes the night before last, so my dad thought it'd be interesting to see what he's like. He makes predictions about the stock market and stuff, which actually is somewhat interesting to me. I guess it doesn't really apply to me, since I'm not managing my own money, but eventually I'll be in control of it, and I'll have to make sure my advisors are making the right decisions, you know? I mean, sometimes when you aren't paying enough attention, your bank/money managers will cause you to lose your money, sometimes even a whole lot of it. My mom and dad had that happen to them; they lost a TON of money with Wachovia because they invested the money in the wrong stocks. They switched banks after that. But anyway, this is just another thing that's been cycling through my mind recently.

I don't know if I'd mentioned this in previous journals, but I've been looking into taking some classes at one of the community colleges nearby, the same place I got my GED at. I really wanted to do something with Fashion Design and so I found one that sounded really cool (Fashion Illustration). There was some mix up about what the pre-requisites were for the course; whether I needed to take Illustration I before I could take Fashion Illustration, or whether I just needed to know how to use a personal computer. So I emailed the instructor of the course, to ask her that and a few other questions. I mentioned that I've always wanted to be an artist, how I've drawn since as far back as I can remember, and that I'm really interested in fashion design. The email also gave me a change to ask her about her policy on absences... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7023525/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/7023525/ Sat, 12 Nov 2005 01:23:12 PST
___


Blahhhstuffs.

Nick took a nap and never came back! *gaspeth* (wheehee that rhymeded) o.O Getting a little worried, but I'm sure he's okay. He said he'd be back at 10 and what is it? almost 4:30am?! GRAGH!

Tis time foe beds foe meees. BUTT! Er, BUT... hehe... _{(I said butt)}
Hehe... Now I don't remember what I was gonna say. Oh, I think I'll try to call him.

I justabout broked my hand today! I was making my seat higher on teh chairness, my hand happened to be on the armrest (duh) and got smashed between the chair and the desk! And then I was in shock from the pain (or just dumb) so it took me way too long to figure out whatthefuck happened and fix it. So my hand bees flattened. And I criedYAY. GO ME. My dad got some frozenrice and it felt betters. (*gaspeth* he did something right!)

Wow. I'm actually starting to feel da heat... up in hurr.
Tis supposerdly like 30 sumfink out theres.

One thing's no different... I've still got me's a nice little excrutiating pain in my stomachbellything. The painmurderers aren't working_nope. We're getting rid of them. I figure they're not worth all the numerous problems they cause, especially since they help so very little. And the list of problems? Yeah: extreme tiredness (which is even worse mixed with my antidepressants), energy loss, hot and cold flashes (sweating but freezing? yeah), itchiness, nightmares, twitching, talking in my sleep, and nausea (when I change increase the dosage). Besides that, the only GOOD things it does is a) gets rid of the stomach pain caused by my reaction to antibiotics, and b) I haven't had "attacks" of pain so bad that I would collapse to the floor, crying and writhing in pain. Yeah those are pretty good things, but not good enough.

I've been trying to do some drawing but I got really frustrated with it last night... so frustrated that I closed it after about an hour of working on it (no save), had a fit and started hitting myself in the head and then slammed my hand down on my desk so hard I thought I broke my pinky (so today was the SECOND time I almost broke my hand!) I don't think I've freaked out that bad because of my art before.

Then today I was working on something and my dad had brought down his set of sharpies (fine tip, lotsa colours) and I asked him if I could use them and he started asking me "Why? What are you using them for? Are you gonna use them up? Don't you have your own set? I coulda sworn you had your own set?!" and I was all "JESUS CHRIST THEY'RE JUST PENS."

UGH. Dads. And when he apologized and said "here you can use them, in fact you can have them, I'll go buy some more. I'm sorry I freaked out." I was just like "No. I have my own damn markers. I've lost the desire to use anything of yours ever again."

God I'm sick of waiting. I'm just going to bed.

self inflicted wounds
your gift, impeccable aim
can really clear a room
all the bodies, piled up in your way ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6968351/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6968351/ Mon, 07 Nov 2005 01:20:04 PST

+

It's a little after 7 am. It's light out. The birds are chirping. My legs hurt.
I slept all day yesterday. Woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon, went back to bed around 4:00, slept until 10 or 11pm. My mom came down about 2 hours ago, telling me I really need to get to bed. As if I'd be able to sleep? Ha, right. Well, now I am, but not when she came down.

I think I have chronic fatigue syndrome. *Sigh* I've been so goddamn sleepy all the time recently, and my muscles get really sore even when I don't move around hardly any during the day. I can't stand up for very long without feeling like I need to sit down again, and walking up the stairs, even slowly, leaves me completely out of breath and with a racing heartbeat. I haven't been able to think clearly or concentrate on any one thing for very long. I've been increasingly irritable with both my mother and father (mostly father, as usual) and even Nick. It's so hard when he's a million miles away... I get so emotional. I take things the wrong way. We end up arguing and I end up crying myself to sleep and having horrid nightmares.

Tonight I went through all of the journals in my message center and got them down to a mere 11. My message center is at 722 new messages, 700 of which are deviations. That is my next obstacle.

THEN I will work on my projects.

I've got some photos to post. I think there's about 10.
It will happen eventually.

Also, more Roller Toaster is coming soon. <3
Have a nice day.

------

[edit] ::

My baby is sick. He slept pretty much all day today, which is very unusual for him. When he wasn't sleeping, he was being all sneezy and wheezy, making sniffely noises. Poor kitty... we think it might be from the three shots he got last week when the vet came. But who knows. I hope he's ok...

I my Stinky.

self inflicted wounds
your gift, impeccable aim
can really clear a room
all the bodies, piled up in your way ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6876791/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6876791/ Wed, 26 Oct 2005 19:46:55 PDT

+

Nick is gone. He left this morning at 10:19 (that's when his plane left). When I got home from the airport, I cried.
I cried like a pathetic little whiny baby who just shat itself. Yeah, that's me alright.

Neither of us have a clue when he'll return. That's the worst part. Having no clue whatsoever how long he'll need to do whatever it is he needs to do. We won't be together for Christmas OR my birthday, which makes me really sad.

I suppose it means I'll have more time for art, which will be good for my recent artist's block.
I might be taking a class at Wake Tech. Probably a photography course, since I don't seem to be progressing at all. Then I was thinking about maybe a fashion illustration course. I thought that would be a little harder so I decided to do the photography one first.

My mother is going to make me start exercising. Feh. I'm so out of shape. A walk around the block will kill me. I feel so weak... everytime I walk up the stairs I feel like my heart is going to explode, it's beating so fast. It's kind of bothering me how she's trying to push me into doing so many different things. I know she just doesn't want me to have too much time to think and get depressed, but to be honest, I'd rather be depressed on my own than be stressed out because I have too many things on my plate and not enough time to myself.

My father is the most obsessive compulsive person I've ever met. Ever. His current obsession happens to be cleaning up the cat pee from our neurotically jealous cat, Toby. He's constantly walking around with a little pink spray bottle of carpet shampoo and spraying it on random things throughout the house. And goddamnit, that shit stinks. He'll come into my room to ask me something and he'll sniff and be like "Somebody peed in here." and I'm like "Yeah, sorry, I couldn't make it to the bathroom." And he'll immediately forget what he was going to ask, and he'll storm off to get the carpet shampoo. Oh yeah and another new obsession: popping his gum. It's bad enough that he chews with his frikken mouth open (slurpy noises included) but now he figured out how to make an ear-piercing popping noise with it! He just LOVES to drive me absolutely up the wall! AAAAAARRRRGH I CAN'T STAND IT. And when I ask him to stop he'll simply ignore me. Just like he always does.
"DAD!" I'll say.
"Hmm?"
"Did you hear me?"
"Uhh. No."
RArararArarArArARarRarRrrARRGGGHHHH

*Sigh* I need some sugar.

self inflicted wounds
your gift, impeccable aim
can really clear a room
all the bodies, piled up in your way ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6832020/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6832020/ Mon, 24 Oct 2005 15:19:34 PDT

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Saw DOOM tonight.
I liked it. I really like the actor that played Reaper. Nick said it didn't follow the games/book very much but to be honest, does it really matter? I mean as long as it keeps you entertained, isn't it a decent movie? That's what movies are for, right? Entertainment? I dunno, I guess that's just my personal opinion. The first-person shooter mode was awesome. And the BFG. That thing is just... hot. I want to touch it. The Rock actually brought one onto the set of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart last night (he was the featured guest). He carried it like it was a piece of plastic, and when Jon tried to pick it up, he acted like it weighed about twice his body weight. He set it on the floor and said "So uh, yeah... you can put that on the table." It was funny.

I didn't go to the fair Wednesday because I was sick... I slept until 5pm. I'm hoping to go either tomorrow or Sunday, but... the crowds will be awful.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but on Tuesday I upped my dose of the pain killers... and it pretty much knocked me flat for 3 days. I puked the first night. Couldn't stay awake very long at all during the day. Slept a LOT, but restlessly and painfully. I woke up every few minutes from the nausea. Haven't eaten much for the past few days... and I've been feeling really weak, like if I stand for too long, my stomach will start clenching and I'll have to sit down.

You know what? I dunno why I bother talking about this. It's always just a bunch of bitching and moaning about my stomach and blah blah blah... who fucking cares? No one wants to hear that shit. I don't even know why I write these anymore. *Sigh* okay, yeah, I do. It's because my pain has pretty much taken over my entire lifestyle. I guess I talk about it for my own sake. To keep track of when specific things happen... so you can just ignore it if you like.

I'm sorry.
I'm not in a wonderful mood.

Nick is leaving next Wednesday. That means we have merely four days left together. That's not really what I'm depressed about... well, I am. But what's worse is the amount of time he's gone... it's completely up in the air. He could be gone for months... he could be gone for a year! And that scares me... more than anything. He keeps me sane... he gives me the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, he gives me the incentive to move, to live... I'm not trying to be sappy or anything, because if you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not really a sappy kind of girl.

No, I'm just crazy. And this guy is what keeps me together. I have such a hard time when I'm only speaking to him indirectly through cords and wires and technology; phones and online... it's not the same. When I can't hear his voice, I misunderstand things he says, I take things the wrong way and I get angry, irritated... pissed. It's just how I am... I analyze everything and when I notice the tiniest speck of something sarcastic or negative, I freak. I got it from my dad. I dunno, perhaps since we've been together longer, and gotten to know each other better, we'll work around the arguments. When we're together, we rarely stay angry with each other for long.

And I told him I'd try to get my own phone card, so I wasn't always using up my parent's money when I call him. It just sucks how expensive the rates are for calling internationally. Ugh. The first time I called him, I was worried about him or something and I just grabbed the phone and dialed; we talked for over an hour, and when the bill came, my parents totally freaked. It was something like $400 because I didn't realize we didn't have an international plan and that they use a calling card when calling long-distance. Yeah... I definitely had to pay for that one. It should NOT cost that much to simply talk to someone.

Oh yeah. And the pain pills make me REALLY EFFING ITCHY. It's like I've got hives only minus the red splotchy bumps all over my skin. I scratched my leg so hard the other day that I nearly made myself bleed. I still twitch in my sleep, and occasionally talk in my sleep. Nick says I said something like "Don't let them get us." Haha. It's kinda funny. Also, since it makes me really sleepy, I've not been able to wake myself up when I have nightmares, I just close my eyes really tight and wake up into another dream/nightmare. Usually I can wake myself up completely by doing that, but not recently. Feh.

I NEED to draw something. So yeah, goodnight. Er... morning (what-EVAR).

____________________

[EDIT] in order to maintain my remaining iota of sanity, i am going to "REMOVE ALL" journals from my message center. ALL ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT journals. so i apologize to... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6814527/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6814527/ Wed, 19 Oct 2005 23:08:02 PDT

Woohoo, I'm updating.

So my dad's at his mother's now, in Asheville. He was really depressed Thursday night at dinner (the night before he left), really quiet. Mom said it was because he didn't feel like we would miss him while he was gone...
... (*no comment*)

But yeah. He and I had another argument. As did myself and my mom. Made me cry. I hate arguing with my mom. It makes me really sad. Fighting with my dad... I'm more... conditioned to it. The one with my father was actually over food (lame, I know). Sometimes he gets low blood sugar and at those times he's very irritable, and all he does is sit there and mope until he can get something to eat. He'd gotten his food and realized he hadn't ordered fries; he asked for a fry from either Nick or I, and I said "I want my fries... Nick, will you give my dad a fry?" and Nick said "I want my fries too!" So finally Nick gave him a fry, and my dad said "You know what Valerie's going to do? She's going to eat two bites of her burger, 2 bites of her hot dog, 4 fries, and then she'll say 'I'm full'." That made me really angry, mostly because of the fact that it was almost as far from the truth as possible, but also because he'd actually been doing well recently with making comments like that.

I turned to him and said "Why do you do that? Why do you say things like that? It doesn't do any good for anyone." And he said "You're right. I shouldn't have said that. You never ever waste food."

I got up and went to a different table. The problem actually comes down to the fact that he will not wait until I've eaten as many fries as I want, because by then, the fries would be cold. He will not eat cold fries. So I was the one who had to be the adult in this situation. I said nothing, I didn't respond with an equally childish and immature statement as I usually do, I simply got up and went to another table (despite my mother's pleading to come back and her needless attempts at making up excuses for his comment because of his low blood sugar). Nick came to sit with me and after I had some of my meal (a couple of fries included), I broke off the top of the styrafoam container that had my burger in it, dumped in the fries (while they were still warm) and gave them to my dad. Once again, doing the "mature" thing.

Feh, that's just a minor argument. But still... I get so sick of being the adult in these situations. At least now I know I'm actually capable of being mature and walking away from an argument instead of engaging in one.

Ugh, it's hard to type when you have long nails. And I've only recently discovered this due to the fact that I've miraculously stopped chewing my fingernails over the past few months. I used to do it mainly in stressful situations, or when I would be taking notes at school, or watching a suspenseful movie, but now that I keep them long and painted, I've been able to quit the habit pretty much altogether.

Anyway, the argument I had with my mother was a little more... extreme? I dunno if that's a good word. It wasn't really as horrible as it could have been, but it was bad considering how rare it is that we fight/argue. Anyway, yesterday, I woke up nauseated. The night before I'd increased my dosages of my anti-depressant as well as my antibiotic, (4 anti-depressant tablets, 4 antibiotic tablets, which, added in with my other meds, equals 11 pills) so I wasn't really that surprised that I was feeling bad. Plus, Nick and I had stayed up really late playing video games. I had an appointment with my therapist Friday at 2:30 [which is later than usual (1pm) but early considering how late I stayed up (6am)]. So when my mother woke me up, I told her I was feeling sick, but I'd try to eat and see if that helped. Well, it didn't. In fact it made me feel worse. She took a phone call while I curled up on the couch. She was put on hold and came over and said "You just don't want to go to Cheryl's, do you." I knew she would say that. I was just waiting for it. And yet I was really REALLY hoping she wouldn't. "No mom, that ISN'T why I'm doing this. I actually-" and then the person on the other end of the phone took her off hold and she started talking to them again. I took my dishes into the kitchen and went upstairs to get my purse, and I left (early) to go to Cheryl's. Feh, I'll show you FAKING.

I ranted to Cheryl about how frustrating my mother can be sometimes. She understood completely, as she has fibromialgia (no idea how to spell that) which makes her sick a lot. She explained that when you have a chronic illness that gives you lots of pain, anxiety can elevate that pain, making it a lot more severe. And who wouldn't be anxious about going to the therapist? I mean, you're expected to tell this person things that... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6716033/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6716033/ Sat, 08 Oct 2005 21:18:33 PDT

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EDIT: I AM SO BEHIND ON MY MESSAGE CENTER! 895 MESSAGES!!! GAHHHH!!!

//___:: WOW.

That's about all I can say about the concert.

Anyway, I'll start with other stuff. THE BORING STUFF. So Monday we did nothing. Tuesday we packed up and headed back to Ellen's in Rockford (about an hour's drive) and I took the honors of driving Ellen's car. I love driving through the countryside in Illinois... especially in her car... it's so smooth and comfortable.

That night we ordered pizza. Blech. The next day we packed up and drove into Chicago with Ellen's car, and checked into the Springhill Suites (Mariott) hotel which is about 15 minutes away from the Allstate Arena. Pretty nice hotel. They didn't have their own room service, but they DID have free wireless internet access (which I didn't really use that much... no time -.-'). Ellen and mom had a room, and Nick and I had a room. We got all our stuff into the rooms, got all settled in, and then went to Woodfield Mall. Spent a lot of time in Nordstrom trying on pants. That's pretty much all we had time for Wednesday (before dinner). Had dinner at Shaw's Crabhouse, which had mostly seafood and steaks. The meal was pretty good, my mom was underwhelmed (she's not a seafood person) but overall it was a good meal.

Thursday we got a cab to Michigan Ave. The hotel actually set up our cab rides into and out of downtown Chicago, but the cabs turned out to be more like shauffeurs; they drove Mercedes, actually spoke some English, were very gentlemanly, and charged about the same amount as a regular cab. So we get to Michigan Ave., where we were supposed to meet Kimberly, who was going to take me (and whoever else) to Columbia and give us a tour of the college. HOWEVER, those plans went to shit; Kimberly was sick and we ended up having to do some more shopping... HOW UTTERLY HORRIBLE... teehee. So, we went to Nordstrom again, since we apparently didn't have enough time the previous day. Nick, I'm sure, got entirely sick of sitting outside dressing rooms while we tried on 50 pairs of pants in each store. We went to a few other places, like the Millenium Park, where I took some pictures.

We ate at Geja's (hay-ha's... fancy fondue restaurant ) for dinner, and our meal was decadent. Delicious. Best meal I've had in a looooong time. Mmm and I roasted marshmallows at the end, after they brought the chocolate fondue for dessert. That was the best part. <3

OH... for breakfast (every morning while we stayed at the Springhill Suites, I believe) we went to a little place called Mac's. It was this local restaurant that served breakfast all day, and the lady at the front desk in the hotel had told us it was "just across the street". So we started walking on down the street and it took FOREVER to get there. Plus it was freezing. So it wasn't "just across the street" like she said but it was definitely worth it once we got there. Friday we just drove Ellen's car to Mac's, and after we ate, we went to Woodfield again (my mom and Ellen had seen some more jeans they wanted to check out at some new store). First we went to Nordstrom though, because I needed to exchange something that I'd gotten the day before. Actually, so did my mom, so it wasn't just me. So yeah, we went to Nordstrom three days in a row. The girl that had helped us out the first day helped us again. She dragged about 12 different pairs of pants into the dressing room for me lol. It was... fun. I ended up only getting 2 pairs of pants during the WHOOOOLE three days, and I was SO proud of myself. I mean yeah, they were expensive, but I only got TWO. So yeah. That was a fun trip overall. I made sure to take Nick to Sharper Image so he could look at the gadgets and sit in the massage chairs. Then we went to Victoria's Secret and I got some more cute undies and PJ pants. YAY. We ate dinner at the Rainforest Cafe, and after three days of shopping, we were all wiped. Exhausted. We went back to the hotel and had only an hour before the concert. It wasn't even enough time to nap. I felt sick from dinner, and my legs were sore from all the walking (more walking than I've done in YEARS)... ugh. But at least I had new pants to wear to the concert...

In the end, it turned out to be just me, Nick, and my mom at the concert. My dad had decided to stay home for the whole IL trip, so we gave the fourth ticket to Ellen, but at the last minute she decided not to go, partially because she was worried about her husband (she hadn't tal... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6669965/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6669965/ Mon, 03 Oct 2005 15:24:10 PDT

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Illinois
I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open.

Haven't been sleeping well. My nights have been dominated with nightmares, leaving me afraid to sleep at night. Been taking some of my mom's Tranzene for that... it's worked a bit, but I've still been having a few nightmares, just not 6 or 7 a night like it was before.

The only times of my life
The sun was meant to shine for me
You made it pour down, pour down with tears of rain.
-Imogen Heap

Finished Water Mirror by Kai Meyer. Wow. Just wow. I really liked it. Almost as much as Harry Potter and that's saying a lot. Though it was seriously depressing and since it's a series of books, the ending left me ready to kill myself. Damn those author's and their cliffhangers. Grr. Somehow, I tend to get really attached to particular characters in the books I read so when something bad happens I'm like... OH MY GOD *CRY*... well not that bad, but I nearly cried at the end of Water Mirror.

Nick and I (mostly me) completed We <3 Katamari. It's my new obsession. It's the most oddly unique and original game I have ever played in my entire life. The premise is just so completely out there that it's beautiful. And of course it's almost so cute I could kill myself. I'll be doing some fanart soon.

October 7th: NIN concert with QOTSA at the Allstate Arena in Chicago. We'll be staying in a hotel in Chicago for a few days, hopefully do some shopping. We're going to eat at Geja's again (pronounced hay-ha's). It's this fancy expensive fondue restaurant, at which I had one of the greatest meals of my life.

Wondering where it all went wrong.

Been listening to Imogen Heap pretty much nonstop. The one song (Hide and Seek) has been sending shivers up my back each time I hear it. Which is a lot, considering it's been on repeat due to Nick's obsession with it. Somehow, I find myself liking almost every one of their songs. So whoever suggested that one to me, thanks? Thanks a lot, because I'm loving it.

I'm everything that burns in you.

Last night we had the Euchre party (card game) with a bunch of my mother's family. It was alright. I always have fun with my mother's family. Nick got on pretty well, considering his being severely anti-social and extremely nervous about meeting all those people at once. Understandable, of course. I used to be the same way.

This is all there is, I can see that now
I have to be careful with it.

Nick and I are basically living together in the upstairs of my grandmother's house/apartment thing. My mother is staying in one of the bedrooms downstairs so we have the whole upstairs to ourselves. We've been playing lots of We <3 Katamari and GTA:SA. Tons-o-fun.

I'm so tired. I'm gonna go... gonna eat or draw or something.

Dead as dead can be, my doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him, never the optimistic one. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6603907/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6603907/ Mon, 26 Sep 2005 00:30:06 PDT

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I wish I could write everything that has happened in these past couple of weeks. I know I haven't been updating recently, due to some stressful situations and being busy with life outside of DA. I can't explain everything in full detail because it would take up too much space and no one would want to read it.

These are a few things that have gone on these past few weeks:

~The pain medication I'm on is having several strange side-effects. I've been really itchy all the time. Not so bad that it gets in the way of my everyday life, but it's pretty annoying. I've been twitching in my sleep; spasms in my arms and legs. I've been having multiple nightmares everynight; vivid, horrible nightmares that feed on all of my worst fears. Nick has had to wake me up a few times because I was whimpering and twitching so bad. I've also been talking in my sleep, but only once or twice and most of these things have died down a bit. The worst side effect, however, has been the nausea. When we first switched from taking it twice a day to 3 times a day, I had to run to the bathroom at the Day Spa (while my nails were drying) to throw up. I'd felt nauseated that whole day and the day before, so I wasn't really surprised. After that I started taking Bonine with my meds and that helped quite a bit with the nausea. Unfortunately after awhile I stopped taking the Bonine and I puked again a couple nights ago. And let me tell you, throwing up has never hurt so bad as it did that night. My throat was burning like hell (as well as my sinuses). It actually gave me a headache it hurt so bad.

~My father and I got in a nasty fight last Thursday (the 15th). It was about how I feel like he never listens to me, and how it makes me feel unimportant, and as if he doesn't care about me. He's always too preoccupied with a various assortment of things that shouldn't be more important than his own daughter. I know part of it is his ADD, and the way he was brought up, but I shouldn't have to make an appointment to talk to my father! It's not like he's doing "work" or anything! He's usually just shopping online for a new gadget, or reading some article or checking the weather, or watching the news or listening to an audiobook on his iPod. Can you imagine how that would make me feel? Especially given that I'm probably the most sensitive person on the planet. Anyway... the fight resulted in him nearly packing up his stuff and leaving, and me doing something I haven't done in about 6 months because this fight tore me up so bad. My anger towards him and his many neuroses and annoying habits has been building itself up for so long, and that night was when I hit my breaking point. I snapped. I yelled, screamed, cursed, cried, slammed doors... it was a baaaad night. He didn't leave, though, and we discussed it the next day. We decided it would be best if he didn't go on our trip to Illinois at the end of the month. It'll be a break from each other that both my mother and I, as well as my father need. It will give him time to think. I told my therapist and psychiatrist about it yesterday and they both said they thought he has an illness called "Asberger's Syndrome" or something like that. Apparenty it has no cure, but there are ways to get around it's symptoms. Things have been going alright since then, no more arguments or blowups.

~I went to see Red Eye with Hillary and Nick last Friday (er, two Fridays ago, after the fight on Thursday). It was pretty good. It was suspenseful and kept me interested, but it's not my favourite movie.

~We rearranged my rooms. The desk which used to be in my bedroom is now in the computer room (where Nick's computer is). It wasn't being used upstairs because I'd been forced to move my computer into the den so I could be around my parents more. So we moved my computer "station" into the computer room, and it's much better for my posture. In the den, I had to sit on the floor against the couch. Hardwood floor + my bony butt = pain.

~Nick and I completed Doom3 with the co-op mod. It took us 4-5 days, several hours each day. It's the first time since the original Doom that I've completed a video game, and that didn't really count anyway because I used the invincibility cheat. It was the most fun I've had in... a really loooong time.

~I finally finished reading The Sight by David Clement-Davies. It was so fecking depressing! I was almost in tears... but it was good.

~Nick is raising a baby, all by himself.
Haha. He's playing Sims 2.

~I have a shit load of deviations to go through u__u;

~Tonight I saw The Corpse Bride. It was great. I still love Tim Burton and the way he has done that film as well as The Nightmare Before Christmas. He is simply... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6470927/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6470927/ Sat, 10 Sep 2005 19:53:31 PDT

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Okay. There's a mosquito buzzing around me and now I'm all paranoid and every few seconds I spazz out and smack myself in the face or something. Ugh. I hate insects. With a passion. And now I feel all itchy. And I was itchy in the first place because of my meds.

Haha I think it must have gotten Stinky, cause now he's spazzing out, all twitchy-like.

Yesterday wasn't such a great day. I woke up around 12:00 because I had an appointment with my therapist at 1 and I felt like complete and utter shyte. My mother had lunch with her friend and my dad offered to take me if I didn't feel good enough to drive myself. I said I felt like crap and didn't want to go at all. Finally, my dad came over and said "Take your meds, and if you don't feel any better by the time we're supposed to leave, we can call Cheryl and tell her you can't go." Which was a complete surprise... o.o because my dad normally isn't like that. Usually, he's unsympathetic and very adamant about me going to my therapy. So I didn't go. I went back to bed and slept until 6pm. At about 5, I couldn't sleep anymore and just laid there thinking about stuff, trying to find a more comfortable position for my stomach.

I was thinking about it as I lay there trying to sleep, how I hadn't written a journal in a few days and how I wouldn't really know what to write anyhow. My emotions have been insane recently. I go from one mood to another within minutes, seconds even, and... sometimes it's overwhelming. My mood says "just one?!" because I'm not really in one particular mood right now.

I'm in pain. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I feel lonely. I feel guilty. I feel... burdensome. I feel stupid and inferior.

It's just that there have been so many situations, so many conversations where I'm left feeling so extremely... wrong, like everything I say is just a load of crap. Having two computer geniouses in the house doesn't help, either. My dad is constantly trying to talk to Nick about some computer problem or some software or some something and I wish he'd just give it a break.

Oh... I showed him (my dad) my Earth Fairy picture and he really liked it. I told him I was going to work more on the wings sometime and this morning there was a cicada wing sittying next to my computer. So I may use that as a ref for the wing.

Watched Crash a couple nights ago. It was pretty good. Kind of strange the way it played out, but good. Then we watched Cellular, which I'd heard from a few people and reviews that it sucked major ass. But it really wasn't all that bad. It was suspenseful, entertaining, and kept my interest. And last night we watched Beauty Shop. XD... it was pretty funny.

Gimme gimme gimme gimme,
I need more, I need more
Gimme gimme gimme gimme,
Don't ask what for, don't ask what for

Sitting here like a loaded gun, waiting to go off
I've got nothing to do but... shoot my mouth off

I know the worlds got problems, I've got problems of my own
But ain't the kind that can be solved with an atom bomb

You know I gotta go out, get something for my head
If I keep on doing this, I'm gonna end up dead.

~

I've been trying to draw more. It's hard for me though, because... well whenever I start something, due to my perfectionism, I always end up having to finish it. I can't just "doodle" something anymore. It's always complicated and time comsuming.

Today, I woke up around 2pm, and Nick and I played Mario Cart on the gamecube for awhile, then switched to Super Smash Bros. Melee. My parents went to the Coldplay concert early cause they're gonna have some food (tailgaiting). So Nick and I were gonna go to TGIFriday's for dinner and then go see The Exorcism of Emily Rose. We went to TGIFriday's for dinner, however... I started feeling sick and drowsy and Nick got a migraine from the screaming babies sitting behind us at the restaurant. So we ended up going to Best Buy after dinner (near the theatre), planning to just waste a half hour there so we didn't have to sit in the theatre for 45 minutes, but then we both decided we should just go back home, due to our various ailments. *Sigh* I hate not ever feeling good enough to go out and do stuff. I feel so weak and pathetic. I'm running on empty in the energy department. Not even caffeine does me any good anymore.

I stupidly bought DDR Extreme at Best Buy. Heh. As if I'll ever have enough energy or motivation to play it. They had a big screen TV set up with DDR Extreme and an Ignition pad and I played 1.5 songs before I felt like passing out. Mrf.

My pain is getting to be pre... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6427786/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6427786/ Mon, 05 Sep 2005 23:03:14 PDT

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Errrgh
So the previews of my newly submitted deviations aren't working.

And there is a message at the beginning of the DeviantWATCH section in my message center that's been there for about 5 days now, and it says "1 deviation from Nobody" and then it has the old preview thumbnail image for literature/poetry submissions and under it says "on December 31, 1969" o.O... WTF? 1969?! So I click the deviation, both the image and the title and it gives me the File Not Found page and the link in the address bar says "0" as the deviation number. So I try to delete it from my message center, from my DeviantWATCH list but it just keeps coming back. WHAT IS IT?

Feh.

I saw Transporter II tonight with Nick and Taylor and Hillary. It was pretty good, a lot of action. Definitely entertaining. Some parts were unrealistic but it was a movie, and I go to movies to be entertained, not to analyze and criticize. I guess the only thing that really bothered me was that he drove and Audi in this movie and not a BMW. I'm rather partial to BMWs. Not that Audis aren't nice cars, because they are. But my mom has a Beamer and it's... hot.

Now I must still see: Skeleton Key, Corpse Bride, Underworld Revolution, and March of the Penguins. Not in the theatre: Crash, A Clockwork Orange, and Se7en. And then today I saw signs in the theatre for Saw II, Cry Wolf, and a sequel for the Mask Of Zorro. And a preview for Domino with Kiera Knightley, which I really want to see, simply because she's extremely sexy Plus, what girl doesn't like to see movies where a girl kicks a lot of ass?

I'm watching The Punisher(even though it says I'm watching Bram Stoker's Dracula, but that was a couple hours ago), kind of in the background. It's at the part where the bad guys are ripping out Castle's neighor's piercings. He's got 3 in his bottom lip, an eyebrow ring, and a couple of earrings. I had to mute it... and I'm not looking. I just can't watch that shit.

I've really really wanted a lip ring for a really long time, but... well, my dad... he doesn't understand that stuff. I actually semi-convinced my mom about it, but she said "I'll talk to your dad" and that was about the end of the discussion, period. So... not until I'm 18. *Sigh.* I don't think that's right. It's my body, right? It's my appearance, and if I want to change my appearance, I shouldn't have to get his permission. But I guess that's life.

~x

the ceiling...
has crashed down on me. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6407311/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6407311/ Sat, 03 Sep 2005 17:19:03 PDT

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Yeah so first off I'd like to say that I have 457 (yeah that's right, four hundred fifty-seven) messages in my message center here on DA. Obviously the majority of them (meaning 418) are deviations from the people I watch. I haven't gone through them in weeks. Last week I started to try and go through them but there's just no way. I got rid of about 50 but it took me a whole friggen hour to do that. I know I should just delete them all but I can't. See sometimes I'll look at them and be like "oooh preeeetty" and not delete it because what if I want to look at it later? It will be easier than searching through their gallery, right? So I leave it. And then they add up, and soon enough I have at least 5-10 deviations from each of the people I watch in my message center, which is quite a load of people, you know.

DeviantART is just too vastly enormous for me. I can't quite take it all in at once.

So here I am attempting to overcome this enormous obstacle standing before me, and I get the urge to write another journal entry. And that's where I am now.

So hello.

Now I'd like to talk about something different. Something fun. Movies.
Let's see. Some of my recent favourites (in order):
The Jacket
Constantine
A Very Long Engagement (a lot like Amelie, but with more war-action)

Sin City was good but not a favourite.

I want to see Crash whenever it comes out on pay-per-view or DVD.
And then I want to see in theatres:
The Skeleton Key
Corpse Bride
Transporter II
the new Underworld movie
March of the Penguins, which I heard was really good. And I like Penguins.

I watched the first Transporter movie the other night and it was pretty good. Oh, and then last night we watched a movie called Layer Cake that was pretty decent. I'd never heard of it before, but it was good. Other movies we've watched recently: 7 Seconds (Wesley Snipes/action), Underworld(vampires<3), Raising Arizona(funny), Fargo(wierd), Chocolat(chick flick), What's Eating Gilbert Grape(Johnny Depp <3), and and and... I can't remember any more.

Some older movies I want to see: A Clockwork Orange and Se7en.

We watch a movie pretty much every night. I've seen so many movies... I could be a movie critic. Only not really because everyone has different tastes. There will be people that like some of the movies I hate, and there will be people who hate some of my favourites. And that's just a fact of life. I mean, I've strongly disagreed with reviews in the paper before. So yeah, scratch that.

You'd think I just have no life sitting around watching movies all the time. And... you're right. Haha.

So the topic of this entry was movies, but I actually haven't gotten to the point yet. Well I mean, the main point. I talked about movies but... er... well...

Hmm. Come to think of it, I don't think I should talk about it. It might just be a little too personal. So I think I'll just quit blabbering and watch some TV.

But not CNN.

So depressing.

edit~ holy crap! I just saw the NIN video for Only and ooooh it got me really excited for the concert! It was the number 9 video for the Summer of Rock Countdown on MTV2. Grr. MTV2 sucks. NIN isn't supposed to be mainstream. Feh, whatever.

now i am somewhere i am not supposed to be
and i can see things i know i really shouldn't see
now i know why, now
n-now i know why
things aren't as pretty
on the inside

+

the ceiling...
has crashed down on me. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6387007/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6387007/ Thu, 01 Sep 2005 11:02:24 PDT

Apparently our country spent too much time worrying about terrorists and not enough time preparing for natural disasters such as hurricane Katrina.

First off, I'd like to say that my heart goes out to everyone effected by hurricane Katrina. Everyone except for the ones who have become violent. I can understand the anger, but violence will not get anyone any closer to getting out of the situation they're in.

Thousands of people, homeless, no food, no water, no medical help, no cars, no gas. There are dead bodies floating in water along with dead animals, feces, sewage, gasoline and trash. People dying in the convention center. It's hot. It's humid. People are angry. There's violence, fighting, looting, robbing with guns. People shooting at the rescue teams, at the police, at army helicopters. People are wandering the flooded streets, so many people who still haven't been evacuated from the flooded neighborhoods.
It's horrible. It's absolutely horrifying.
If I were in their situation, I would literally die. I couldn't take it. Not in my situation.
Gas prices have gone up nationwide. It immediately went up to $3/gal. In some places it's up to $5/gal.

We've sent money to the Red Cross, but god knows how much that will help.
They've already collected $21 million in donations.

~

I've been nauseated. Haven't been able to sleep. The pain is nearly unbearable. I'm constipated, my stomach is killing me, I can't eat. All I want to do is sleep and I can't.

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. I haven't felt good enough to go out and get her anything. I haven't even felt good enough to MAKE her something.

*Sigh* I'm going back to bed.


the ceiling...
has crashed down on me. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6371473/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6371473/ Tue, 30 Aug 2005 22:41:08 PDT

Ugh.

So I puked last night. Twice. I'd gotten up around 5pm and took my meds around 6 (including a half tablet of the Methadone) and then had McDonald's for dinner. Nick and I played SSBM on Gamecube for a couple hours. Then I played Jak 3 on PS2 until I got so frustrated that I had to give up. Somewhere in there I took another whole Methadone. Somewhere around midnight. It must have been too much because after I sat at the computer for a bit and drew stuff on PS, I had to get up and go to the bathroom. It came on rather quickly and I knew it was the Methadone. Too much of it.

I'm sticking with a half in the morning and a half at night so I don't puke anymore. It's the first time I've puked in years. Yuck.

My parents went to dinner and we hooked up the gamecube to the big screen TV in the den. Super Smash Bros. Melee looks so much better on big screen. Then again, so does everything haha.

edit~
I have a question. Well... two. How do you make the text in your journals centered? And... how do you make the text in your signature smaller? I've always wanted to know that but I've just felt too stupid to ask.

My dad is listening to a song that goes "Why don't we do it in the road?"... over and over.
Lovely. Oh yeah, now he's singing (my dad). Oh god. Someone shoot me.

I'm so tired. Stupid meds. I hope I don't puke again tonight.

the ceiling...
has crashed down on me. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6361406/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6361406/ Mon, 29 Aug 2005 16:02:31 PDT

+

So it's done... Dr. Russell came this morning to put Jamocha down. My mother held her and I cried. We both cried. They're burying her right now. I couldn't watch.

I thank God for Stinky. If we didn't have him at a time like this, it would be so much harder.

I'm sad, but I'll get over it. We'll always remember her. She was a special kitty.

---

I woke up nauseated. It was probably the nourontin (anti-spasmodics) which has apparently been making my stomach aches worse. My mother called Dr. Fras (pain management specialist) and she completely dismissed the possibility that the nourontin could be making my pain worse. Figures. It couldn't possibly have been anything else.

My mother went to see our Psychiatrist today. She told him about my stomach aches and how they've been progressively getting worse. She told him about the pain management we've been trying and that they put me on Nourontin, and that it's making me sick. He rolled his eyes when she said that, and told her that Nourontin isn't even supposed to work on nerve pain in the stomach, that it's used for nerve pain in the arms and legs.

He used to work at Duke and he said that first they like to try anti-depressants for pain (like Elavil, which I tried and didn't work). And then they would try anti-spasmodics/anti-siezure. Which is what Nourontin was. He said they'd pretty much never prescribe me any opioids or narcotics (like Vicoden or Morphine).

Which (among other things, articles and such) leads me to believe they don't prescribe such pain killers to anyone who isn't dying.

If I'm not dying, then I can just suffer.

They would have made me go through every anti-spasmodic/anti-seizure drug ever approved by the FDA. It would take months to find one that worked. Because that's how it always goes with me and drugs. It took 3 years for us to find an antidepressant that seemed to help even a little bit.

Our psychiatrist gave my mom a prescription for Methadone. We recently read an article about the drug, that it's been used on patients with AIDS or Cancer and it's worked pretty well. However, it's also used for heroine addicts who are trying to get over their addiction. It helps eliminate withdrawal symptoms.

My mom doesn't like the idea that I'm talking about all this. She's worried I'm going to get our psychiatrist in trouble for writing that prescription. But why would it get him in trouble? My pain is one of the number one contributors to my depression. By treating my pain, he'll be treating my depression. It's part of his job. He's a smart man, and he knows what he's doing. He knows my history, he knows what meds I've tried, what meds have and haven't worked, and he knows that Duke is not going to help me.

When my mom got home, she called Jim (my uncle, who's an anesthesiologist, who we consult from time to time on medical matters) and told him all of this. Jim looked up Nourontin in one of his medical journals and sure enough, it said right there that it's not used for stomach pain. He agreed with what my psychiatrist said about Duke prolonging my treatment and not really getting to the bottom of it.

My psychiatrist also said that Bio-feedback almost never helps stomach pain.

So we're thinking of firing the pain management at Duke, and letting my psychiatrist take over the pain managing. He seems to know what's best for me, and seems to sincerely want to help me.

I need to go get dinner. Yay for McDonald's.

the ceiling...
has crashed down on me. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6347807/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6347807/ Sun, 28 Aug 2005 14:30:19 PDT

_

Jamocha, our littlest kitty, is scheduled to be put down on Monday (tomorrow). We don't know if we're doing the right thing.
As I've mentioned before, her kidneys are giving out; she has renal failure.

We're supposed to be giving her IV liquids twice a day, 4 different pills and special kidney-safe food.

We haven't been able to. She won't eat the kidney-safe food. All she eats is chicken and bacon. We've only been able to get the liquids into her once a day and pilling her is nearly impossible. Some days she won't eat at all, and sometimes when my mother comes downstairs there are little piles of puke all around where Jamocha sleeps. She sleeps all day. Even when she's outside all she does is sleep on the deck.

But... she still gets excited when we're cooking bacon. She still purrs when we pet her. She's still able to walk around and jump up onto things. She still seems pretty happy...

What if our decision is premature? What if she would have lived another couple of months?
We'd still have to give her the liquids and pill her. Should we let her die on her own?
I don't know what's right.
It seems so cruel... "You're too much trouble to us, so we're going to kill you." If it were that simple with humans, I'd have been dead years ago.

I'm in denial. I have this ability to put off the rush of emotions when something like this happens. I did it when Nick left. It doesn't really affect me until a couple of days after it happens. Sometimes it takes weeks. I don't do it intentionally.

I offered to take her to the vet Monday. To be there when it happens. My mother was in tears when she told me, and I know neither of my parents would take it that well. She kept asking if I thought it was right, doing it so soon. We kept coming to the same conclusion. It's just that... the doctors told us that renal failure doesn't really involve a lot of pain... so if she's not in pain... and she still seems pretty happy...
I don't know! *Sigh*

She's such a sweet kitty... and I think she's only like 5 years old. Such a short life...


---

I woke up with a bitch of a stomach ache (worse than the last few days) and my mother told us that we needed to do some chores around the house today. She said she felt like she was the only one doing any work around the house.

Great.

Nick washed my car. I made my bed and vacuumed the bathroom. Then I started sorting through all of my CD cases and CDs that were just laying around. After that, I had to lay down because of my stomach. I slept until about 8, had some eggs for dinner, played SSBM on the new Gamecube, lost to Nick (the king of video games) so many times my ego was about to reach an all time low, and went back to bed.

Now it's 6:30, the sun is coming up, the birds are chirping and my eyes are burning.
The anti-spasmodics are still not working.

edit~
I was wrong about the doctors saying she wasn't in pain. Our vet said she most likely doesn't feel too good, which is why she's been sleeping all the time.
We had a talk about it again today, and decided it was best to stand by the decision, and have her put down tomorrow.
The fact that she's still somewhat happy is a good thing... it means she'll die a happy kitty.

the ceiling...
has crashed down on me. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6333975/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6333975/ Fri, 26 Aug 2005 12:53:49 PDT +

I don't want to brush my hair.
I have a hair appointment to get it trimmed. I wish I could dye it again but my poor hair... it's already been abused enough.

The surgery, I mean endoscopy/scope thing went okay... I had another panic attack when they were putting in the IVs... *sigh* my head and back started burning and it felt like my heart couldn't beat fast enough for me to breathe, so I was breathing really heavily and started crying. All the while the nurse was trying to get that damned needle into a vein that was just not cooperating. Finally, right about the time I was about to explode and start screaming, she got it into my vein and I calmed down.

That was after she'd tried it in my other arm. But that time she used this freezy spray which burned like a bitch but made it so I couldn't feel what she was doing with the needle.

That was the second panic attack I've had and both were because of needles. Eck.
Then I had another minor one when I woke up from the anesthesia.
My throat was really sore all day yesterday (from the endoscopy/breathing tube/numbing medicine) and eating felt kind of wierd, but since I'd only had chicken broth and jello and popsicles and gummi bears the day before, I spent pretty much the rest of the day eating. Well, and sleeping.

All in all, it went alright. I don't know when we'll get the results but I'm hoping... well... to be honest I wish they'd actually FIND something, so I'd have a reason why my stomach has been hurting so goddamn bad. But somehow I doubt they'll find anything.

The stupid anti-spasmodic pill hasn't done shit.
Then again it's nowhere near a therapeutic dose, so I suppose I just have to wait.
WAITING.
I'M SO SICK OF IT.

the ceiling...
has crashed down on me. ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6319962/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6319962/ Wed, 24 Aug 2005 22:06:50 PDT +

First off, after being absolutely stunned by getting 10 encouraging comments on my last journal (as opposed to my usual 2 or three from my watchers) I would like to thank a few people...

=SnoDreamer especially!~
~gymnast10100 :: =Alphatude :: *Rosytoadfoot ::
~jerzchick16 :: ~nebula02 :: *FlamestarPhoenix ::
~themorrigan :: ~gmeza :: ~FlowersOfBlood

Now I'd like to ask which one of my watchers told all these people to come and comment on my journal... lol.

No no, just kidding. It just seemed odd that I got so many from people that don't even watch me.

But yeah. Today was even more horrid than yesterday. *Sigh*

[Begin long rant]
I had an appointment with Dr. Fras, a pain management specialist at Duke. Another doctor to add to the list.
Psychiatrist, Therapist, GI doc, Pediatrician, Dermatologist, Dentist, Orthodontist, and now pain management! Yay!
So I'm on some anti-siezure/anti-spazmodic medication now. I just took one a few minutes ago so I don't know if it works yet. But the woman talked me into trying that goddamn Bio-feedback shit and I'm downright skeptical of it.

I don't believe that a person experiencing pain such as mine can possible use their MIND to control it. I can't just simply tell myself that I'm not feeling pain and it will go away. That's just complete and utter bullshit. And I told her that. I told her that I didn't believe in it and my mother told her that if I'm supposed to practice this shit at home, like the meditating or the breathing exercises, that I simply wouldn't do it. And fucking right I won't! I told her about my aunt and how she tried bio-feedback for her migraines and she said "You can't take it from just one person's point of view."

She said something about my depression and my pain being a cycle, how the depression causes pain and the pain causes depression, and I'm not leaving myself open for the possibility to try and "break the cycle". She was basically calling me close-minded.

Who wouldn't be after being in constant pain for 12 fucking years that continually gets worse and worse?! It's just like all those retarded people out there who believe you can control your own depression. I mean, to an extent it's true; you can put yourself in situations where you're less likely to be depressed, but you can't just say "I'm not going to be depressed today!" and voila! You're happy! No, it just doesn't work like that.

So after she basically called me close-minded, I said I'd try it. I don't like being called close-minded. There is almost nothing I am close-minded about and I will NOT stand for that. So I'm going back in four weeks for a Bio-feedback appointment (THREE HOURS) and then another appointment with Dr. Fras. So that's a whole day completely shot.

---

Tomorrow (Thursday) I have an endoscopy. They're going to check out my upper GI tract to see if anything is seriously wrong. Like ulcers or the like. I have to go under anesthesia and I'm not looking forward to it.

But... BUT, the WORST part of it is that today I couldn't eat anything except chicken broth, sugar free gummi bears, sugar free fruit chews, sugar free jell-o, and low sugar popsicles. And diet pepsi. Which I usually drink anyway. NOTHING RED. I COULDNT EAT THE CHERRY FRUIT CHEWS OR THE RED GUMMI BEARS. NOOOOO~ BECAUSE IT'LL SCREW UP THE PROCEDURE. Gah and of course my favourites are the red ones. Fuck that.

AND RIGHT NOW I COULD JUST EXPLODE WITH FRUSTRATION.
I'm so goddamn hungry that I could puke.
And I don't give a shit if that made sense or not.
But sugar free shit is nasty. And chicken broth? I had to drink 6 freaking bowls of it to feel even remotely full.
Yeah that was my dinner. That and a grape popsicle.

*Sigh*

[Brief break in rant] But I got my new Converses in the mail today, even though I just ordered them... 2 nights ago. Zappos kicks ass man. I got a pink pair (hot effing pink) and a black pair with graffiti-ish designs on the side. I'm gonna mix and match em. OH and the other cool shoes. I'll take pictures tomorrow. Errr maybe Friday...

My dad took apart my old iPod today and replaced the battery. He broke two of his tools trying to open it haha. He scraped up the edge on one side pretty bad but he still somehow managed to... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6311095/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6311095/ Tue, 23 Aug 2005 22:24:53 PDT +

I have a quote I would like to share. It's cheesy and inspirational but I think it's... well... a good quote. You may have heard it but I don't care.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by: Portia Nelson

I.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It's my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V.
I walk down another street.

THE END

That's life.

---

Tomorrow I go to the hospital again. This time to talk with the pain management specialists at Duke. I get to breifly sum up my medical history, since otherwise they'd have a cartload full to the brim with my medical history files to go through.

I'd rather sleep in.

They're supposedly going to ask me what I think about yoga or meditation... or bio feedback, where you train yourself not to feel pain.

Yeah right.

My aunt says she tried it for her migraines. She says it takes you months and months of work to even begin to get the basic idea of it. I can't wait that long. I know it seems like I whine a lot about my stomach and I'm sure someone out there probably thinks I'm exaggerating, or that I'm out for attention, but... you don't even know the half of it. Sometimes it's all I can do to get out of bed and sit at the computer all day. Sometimes it hurts to move. Sometimes all I can do is lay on the couch curled up in a ball, crying. Sometimes even crying hurts.

No one should have to live with pain like that. Like this.

It's gotten to the point that when people ask me how I am, they don't even wait for a response before saying "Lemme guess... stomach hurts?"

I should just keep my mouth shut. Even though I know it only makes matters worse for me.

I've been depressed. Not the usual kind that comes and goes, I've been really down these past couple of days. Right now, especially. The physical pain and lack of energy isn't helping. Nick and I have been arguing on and off. I've been feeling very uninspired, but when don't I? Obviously being the creative type, there will be days when I'm artistically constipated. But then, I feel like I'm not going anywhere, like I've already reached my peak. Like I just can't get any better on my own. I hate to add that last bit. "On my own." Art has been one of the only things I don't depend on someone else to do for me. I've been trying to learn on my own, simply by experimenting and getting inspiration from other artists.

And then I spend too much time looking for inspiration that by the time I find some, I've wasted my whole day. No energy left to use it. It's just that everytime I work on something it seems to take 3058296054 hours and then I look at the finished product and I'm downright disappointed in it. I hate it.

I'm sick of the same routine.

And then there's that little gleaming spark of hope for something different. Something to get me out of this routine. Something called college.

But as usual, any kind of change scares me to death, especially one relating to school. Just thinking about it makes me want to curl up and die. Everyday I got vibes from everyone around me saying "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, TRY HARDER." Not that anyone ever said that to me, I could just feel it.

But I got away from that. I gave up. They pushed too hard and I gave up. I'm weak. I've always been weak. But I was sick of being held back from doing what I wanted to do. Which was art.

But maybe having too much free time is just as bad as having none at all?
Hmm. I'll shut up for now. I think I've said to much already.

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6292530/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6292530/ Sun, 21 Aug 2005 22:34:17 PDT "but i, being poor, have only my dreams. and i spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
-Yeats

+

So I recently asked for music suggestions. Well I have one for you.

They by Jem. Her other stuff is pretty good but that song gave me chills the first time I heard it.

I also recommend the movie Very Long Engagement with Audrey Tautou (Amelie!). It was actually a lot like Amelie, and had 3 or 4 actors from Amelie in it. Same director as well, I believe. Oh yeah, it's in French.

My dad ended up giving me the speaker dock for my iPod. He's also buying my old iPod from me for $60. Now that's a deal. It's 2-3 years old, the battery has died, and the earphones have been chewed on by Stinky. But he found a replacement battery on eBay for $20 and he says he's going to "fix" it. He said he only did all this because he didn't like it when I'm angry with him and he was sick of me calling him a hypocrite. Lol.

Had another horrible stomach ache this evening after dinner.


the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6284146/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6284146/ Sun, 21 Aug 2005 00:13:29 PDT "but i, being poor, have only my dreams. and i spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
-Yeats

+

This is all just ranting; me getting it out of my system. You don't have to read, nor do I expect comments.

I got myself a new iPod today. I know I've been talking about it for months and recently I decided I might also try to save up for one of the speaker systems to go with it. My dad finally encouraged me in a very obnoxious way to go ahead and get the iPod. You know what he did? He ordered one of those speaker systems that goes with your iPod. And then he stole my iPod, saying he was going to "fix" it (haha. right.) and keep the damned thing and use it with his new speaker system. Even though he already has two fucking MP3 players, let alone the fact that he's been adamantly anti-Apple up until now. Everytime I ever talked about getting a new iPod he'd go on and on about how horrible Apple products are and how they monopolize the MP3 player industry and whatnot. So now he's saying "Well you don't use your old iPod anyway!" and taking over it. How on earth does that make any sense? He confuses me so much.

And then he goes and talks to Nick about putting together a business for building computers with him. He said it would make getting Nick's visa a lot easier. And today he comes to me saying "I wasn't really serious about all that stuff. I really got to thinking about it and it just wasn't realistic."

Ugh. I wish he wouldn't do that. He always does this! He says he's going to work on something, and then he doesn't. And plus he let Nick down.

So that's been irritating. But I'd be lucky if that was the worst of my problems, ya know?

But yeah, I got a new iPod, charged it up and loaded my 1,111 songs.

Right now I'm installing Painter 8 on my laptop, because I've been ultimately frustrated with the artwork I've been producing with PSCS2 and I just feel like I need something new, yeh know? Yeah, I'm sure you do.

So now onto my medical news. Yay.

So yesterday I got up at 8am to go to the hospital. Check-up with the GI doc. He poked my tummy and I got an ultrasound. They dunno what the hell is wrong.

I've been okay for the past week and a half, except those 2 days where I was in agony. The reason I'd been doing okay was the antibiotic I've been on; Cipro, one of the strongest antibiotics, as well as the only one that seems to work for me anymore. It's also the first one that started giving me the flushing attacks after being on it long-term. I've been able to take it for about a week or so at a time without having the flushing attacks, but after that I switch to another antibiotic, usually one that doesn't work. But the last few antibiotics I've been switching off with have started doing the same thing Cipro does; the flushing. So when I started having the horrible pain on the cruise, I decided the hell with it, if I'm gonna be on an antibiotic, with or without flushing, I want it to actually work, so I went back to the Cipro. I told myself that even if I started flushing, it would be worth it without the stomach pain. I've been on it for a week and a half or so, as I said, and a couple days ago I had another bout of horrible pain. Which is why I went to the doc today. Because despite the fact that I was on the strongest antibiotic, I was still in agony.

What I'm wondering is, what if I've built up a resistance to the antibiotics? To all of them? What if my body is trying to tell me that it just can't take all those chemicals anymore? I mean... the docs from the very beginning discouraged long-term use of Cipro, and it's probably not recommended with most antibiotics that you use them long-term. But I have to. I would be bedridden for the rest of my life without the antibiotics...

So what happens if that's the case? We got the tests done to see if there was something else going wrong, something besides the bacterial overgrowth. Like an ulcer.

All they said after I got the ultrasound was that my bowel is dilated. Well duh. Anyone who's been through what I've been through would have a dilated bowel. That's just what happens when you lose major sections of it. What's left dilates in order to adapt to the amount of space left over. Unfortunately that means my bowels form "pouches" or pockets where bacteria can collect, which is why I'm having stomach aches. I think it's called Pouchitis.

My mother was given the phone number for a place in Nebraska, a clinic for people with short bowel syndrome. Which is basically what I have. She talked to them about my problems; about my history, the accident and all the procedures and surgeries I've been through. They told her about a surgery they've been performing on patients with short bowel, a new one. There have be... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6257037/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6257037/ Thu, 18 Aug 2005 19:53:09 PDT "but i, being poor, have only my dreams. and i spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
-Yeats

+

The past few days haven't been so great.

My (favourite) aunt and uncle in Illinois (Ellen and Jim) have been trying to sell their house. They've been spending too much money on it; keeping it clean/maintenence. It's gotten to be too much trouble. Also, Jim wants a job that doesn't require so much stress. Right now he's an anesthesiologist, and is on call pretty much all the time. The stress of work has been dragging him into a deep depression. Ellen has been worried sick.

So two days ago my mom comes out of the computer room (I was guessing after reading her emails) and she was crying. This was really unusual, because I think I've only really seen her crying two or three times, tops. Anyway, I asked her what was wrong, what happened, why was she crying? She told me to go read the note from Ellen. My heart stopped. I started thinking... "Oh no, something happened to Jim..."

So I read it. Apparently Ellen's cat, Pasha, (an indoor cat) had been getting out into the garage and snooping around, kind of like Stinky. It's kind of a halfway between being inside and outside, without having to worry about them getting lost. So Ellen had been talking to a bunch of realtors and one of them had been there that day. I think this was Monday. When the realtor was leaving, Pasha ran out into the garage. Both of the garage doors were opened, and the realtor guessed this was a bad thing and said "I'll get him!" and started towards the cat. Obviously, he ran. Ellen and Jim told the realtor to leave and they'd get the cat. The went through all the woods on their lot and walked around the block asking people if they'd seen him. Ellen said she couldn't figure out why he wouldn't come when she called. He must have been really scared...



They couldn't find him, and went to bed. Ellen couldn't sleep and when Jim got up at 4:30 in the morning for work, she got up and went out with a flashlight to look some more. She found him near the edge of their lot, dead. He was ripped up pretty bad, like something had attacked him. They think it was coyotes; there's a den somewhere near their house, which is why they don't let their cats out in the first place. Ellen said she didn't want to talk about it, and told my mom not to call. She said she'd been crying all day.

I feel so horrible. Ever since Jamocha got sick I've been thinking about how it would be to lose Stinky... because I've really become attached to him. Not that I don't care about Jamocha, because I do... it's just... I got Stinky at a time when I was feeling really down, one of my lowest lows, and just having him sit with me, sleep near me, just watching him play and act completely retarded was so incredibly therapeutic for me... he's a wonderful distraction. He makes me forget.

And I know Ellen felt the same about Pasha. She carried him around like a baby. He was her baby. And they've been going through so much lately, what with Jim's depression and moving. Just this past March they had to give away their dog. Their last cat, ironically named Pasha died about a year ago. (Technically the one that died a couple days ago was Pasha II.)

---

Jamocha wasn't feeling well a few days ago. My mom told me there were little piles of puke all around where she was sleeping when she came downstairs. And then she wouldn't eat. We've still been giving her fluids every day, poking her with a needle. As well as giving her a pill. We've been slacking off on giving her the kidney-safe food... we've been feeding her chicken and steak. But we just want her to be happy while she's still alive, right? Anyway, my parents were saying we might have to start talking about what we're gonna do...

She's been doing better since, and we haven't talked about it again.

We've also been talking about letting Stinky outside. All three of our other cats are outdoor cats (though they're inside just as much as they are out) and Stinky is starting to get fat. He's not getting enough exercise lying around the house and eating all the time like he does.

---

My parents and I have been trying to get my pain under control. We've been talking to my GI doctors at Duke, even though our impression from them is that they're completely out of ideas. We've talked to some people in Nebraska who have a center for short bowel patients, kind of like the NRC that I went to in Boston in '95. They told us of the possibility of surgery... I won't go into details but basically it will make it easier for me to digest and fight off bacteria a lot better than I do now. Obviously the id... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6224089/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6224089/ Sun, 14 Aug 2005 15:11:48 PDT "but i, being poor, have only my dreams. and i spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
-Yeats

+

My kitty Jamocha is dying.
Her kidneys are failing.
Among other things.
Today she wouldn't eat, and there were little piles of puke around where she was laying. She's not feeling good and my parents said when it starts to look like she's suffering, we would... well... you can guess. Also, since she got sick, she'd been peeing a lot around the house, and today and yesterday we couldn't find any. My mom says that means kidneys are shutting down.
Her labs have been progressively getting worse. All the signs are there that she's suffering, I just don't want to accept it.
We've been trying our best to keep her alive and happy...
*Sigh*

edit~

I have a request. Could someone/anyone leave comments with some of their favourite songs for me to listen to? I'm in need of some new stuff.
THANKS to anyone who does!


the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6220977/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6220977/ Sun, 14 Aug 2005 00:05:54 PDT "but i, being poor, have only my dreams. and i spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
-Yeats

+

There was going to be an angry rant here, but I chose to not make myself seem like a total and complete retard.

I deleted it

I wish life were that easy.
Me: I DONT LIKE YOU *presses delete button*
You: *disappears*
Me: *dances*

*huge sigh*

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6201510/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6201510/ Thu, 11 Aug 2005 19:53:32 PDT "but i, being poor, have only my dreams. and i spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
-Yeats

+._.

Yes, I'm listening to Avril. It is a sad, sad day. Even sadder that I actually like it.

So shoot me.

I need to chop off some hair. I need a new "do." A new colour maybe. I dunno. Something drastic. I'm in one of those moods.

Today we got some sunflowers at the Fresh Market. They're preeetty.

I played some DDR. It got so hot in the computer room that I had to strip down to my underwear. Haha I suck at DDR. I'm so out of shape. Just cause I'm stick thin don't mean I'm healthy. u__u;;

I'm getting some tests done in a few days to find out if there's something ELSE wrong with my stomach besides bacterial overgrowth. If that's all it is, we're gonna look into some serious pain medications. Versed, Morphine, hell I'll take Heroine if it means the pain stops. I'm sick of the agony. THREE TIMES last week I was in so much pain that I was writhing on the floor crying my head off. That's more times (writhing on the floor) than I've done in the past 2 or 3 years. In other words, it's worse than it's been in a very long time.

I guess I'm just lucky I'm not puking all over the place...



My parents and I are looking into Columbia College in Chicago. They treat the GED just like they do high school diplomas and they don't require that you've taken the SATs. Which is a good thing for me because... well... I haven't taken them. And don't want to. They also have an extremely extensive art program. I'm hopefully going to get a tour of it when we go up to Illinois in September for the Nine Inch Nails concert. My parent's friends' daughter is going to show me around; she's currently enrolled there.

Okay now my dad is forcing us to listen to Beck.

"In the chain smoke Kansas flashdance ass pants
And you got the hotwax residues
You never lose in your razor blade shoes
Stealing pesos out of my brain
Hazard signs down the Alamo lanes
Radar systems using the souls
You never get caught with the wax so rotten
All my days I got the grizzly worms
Hijacked flavors that I'm flipping like birds
Yo soy un disco cabrado
Yo tengo chicle en cerabo..."
Beck - Hotwax


My left big toenail is lavender. My right big toenail is green. The rest are unpainted. Trust me, it's hot.

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6183559/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6183559/ Tue, 09 Aug 2005 23:29:00 PDT "but i, being poor, have only my dreams. and i spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly, because you tread on my dreams."
-Yeats

This is going to be long.

Everything around DA has been kinda dead...
Maybe it's just -my- DA, considering all the hype about Jark. Zero comments on my last journal.
Not that I care.

I hate that I was sick during my whole trip. We tried so hard to find something that would work before we left. I was on one of the strongest antibiotics there is, and all it seemed to do was make things worse. I hate medications. All they do is put off the problem, delay the pain. Nothing ever fixes the problem. I cried so hard that one night. What if I have to deal with this for the rest of my life? I hate the thought of being waking up everyday of my life to chronic pain.

Day 6 was Grand Cayman. We swam with the stingrays at "Stingray City." It was the second time I'd done it and it was definitely better than last time. The stingrays were really tame. They swarmed us. Probably because the tour guides had brought a bucket of squid. The tour guides were awesome. They were from South Africa (but sounded Australian?). They told us all about the stingrays and how they're not dangerous unless their lives are being threatened. They told us how to hold them and kiss them. (Yes, I kissed a stingray. They're kinda slimy.) The tour guides told us how the only reason they are there is because they're hungry.

Swimming was nice. The tender ride and waiting outside for the bus (which was not air-conditioned) was miserably hot. I had to layer on the sunscreen due to my being on antibiotics... but I still got burnt a little (on the backs of my hands and tops of my wrists...)

Didn't have much of a stomach ache that day. I'd switched my meds again and was fortunate that they actually worked. Didn't last long of course, and was feeling miserable by dinner.

We went to the ice show before dinner, which was amazing.

That night they did something special in the dining room. The chefs on the ship all got together and created sculptures out of food and ice and other things and showcased them at 11:30 for people to take pictures. There were watermelons sculpted into flowers and fish, there was a swan sculpted out of margerine, a house made out of bread, and a cow sculpted out of pure chocolate. There were two tables with about 6 different cakes on each one. There were several other decorative arrangements of food and all laid out nicely. Once you went through and took pictures, and they got everyone out of the dining hall, they shut the doors until 12:30, when they opened the doors back up to let people eat whatever they wanted of the food.

I think the best thing about the cruise was the food, especially the fresh fruit. Which I'm guessing is why my stomach was hurting so bad all week. u.u I ate more fruit last week than I ever have in my entire life.

The next day we were on the water the whole day, heading back to Miami. I slept a lot that day due to chronic stomach pain. Dinner was good, as usual. I don't remember what we did that night.

This part's boring. You don't have to read it all and I suspect no one will anyway. All of our luggage had to be packed and outside our door by midnight Saturday night. We had to pack everything except our carry-ons and whatever we'd need that night/the next morning (tooth brush/tooth paste/PJs) which all had to fit in our carry on bags. Both of which (of mine) were already packed almost to their limits. We had to be out of our rooms by 8 oclock in the morning. Ate breakfast and waited in a little bar/restaurant type thing that was completely empty until around 10:30, when we were allowed off the boat. They were letting people off the ship between 8 and 11am, going by the coloured tags they gave you to put on your luggage. Ours was beige, which meant we were getting off the boat at the latest time possible (between 10:30 and 11:00am). We had originally gotten yellow which left earlier but we switched because our flight didn't leave until 5:45pm that night. What would be the point of getting to the airport at 8am when our flight didn't leave until like 10 hours later? So we got off the boat and were escorted to where we claimed our luggage, and then taken to the bus area where we were taken to the airport, where we ate food to pass the time. I read Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk.

At around 5:15, when they said they were going to begin boarding, they announced that the flight would be delayed for an hour because of storms in Atlanta.

Our flights to and from Miami were arranged by the cruise line. They put us on Delta airlines, which in all the years we've flown va... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6133513/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6133513/ Thu, 04 Aug 2005 15:03:02 PDT
Sunday - Got on the boat in Miami
Day 2 - On the water
Day 3 - Belize
Day 4 - Costa Maya, Mexico
Day 5 - Cozumel, Mexico
Day 6 - George Town, Grand Cayman


Day 3 in Belize was pretty fun. We did this rapelling/traversing tour in the jungle of Belize, which is basically using ziplines about 200 feet above the jungle floor. We got on a bus at the dock, drove for about an hour and a half (most of it on really bumpy terrain) through the city, the outskirts, the shantytowns, the savannas and mongroves and finally to our destination. We got all decked out in our "equipment" (harnesses, apparently made by NASA) and hiked upwards into the jungle area, where we were shown how to use the ziplines. There were 5 ziplines, with tour guides at each end to help us hook up to the ziplines and get unhooked when we got to the other side. The views were amazing. We were at least 200 feet above the jungle floor on each "traverse." I couldn't take pictures because we were supposed to keep our hands free. The "rapelling" was just hooking to a rope and sliding down about 20-30 feet to another level. It was pretty fun. My harness was too tight, and I could barely breathe... but "if it ain't tight, it ain't right." So I had to just grit my teeth and bear it, despite it feeling like it was squeezing my bowels into a big knot. Not to mention I'd already been suffering some of the worst stomach pain I've had in years... but it was still fun. Afterwards they provided us with lunch, which was burritos with chicken/steak and green peppers and onions with a little bowl of baked beans. It wasn't bad really.

The bus ride back to the dock was absolutely miserable. I'd been having serious stomach problems the night before and that morning, and the severely bumpy bus ride was NOT helpful. I was practically in tears with pain. I tried to sleep... but it wasn't easy.

I don't remember much after we got back. I think we just showered and went to dinner. My stomach was feeling horrid all during dinner and afterward. We went to the arcade and I played a little DDR... but there were about 8 little 12 year olds hovering around it and playing so I just gave up. They were all better than me lol. After that we went to "Johnny Rocket's" which is a little restaurant where you can get burgers and malts and ice cream and root beer floats, etc. I had some burger and a "diet coke float" haha (yeah I definitely got a look when I asked for that). Afterwards when we got back to the room, my stomach started hurting so bad that I was in tears at one point. I don't know what's going on. My meds aren't working and we're running out of options. *Sigh* I started feeling so helpless; I didn't know what to do. I'd tried everything.

Yesterday we were docked in Costa Maya, Mexico. We hadn't planned any excursions, so we slept in. Woke up too late and missed breakfast. I ate brunch and mom and Nick and I got off the boat and went to check out the shopping in Costa Maya. Stopped in a few jewelry stores. I got a really pretty silver ring with australian black opals and diamonds. I was talked into buying two cheap looking bracelets for $20 each, decided they'd be souvenirs for Taylor and Hillary. Nick bought a scary hawaiian shirt. Last night at dinner, all the waiters danced for us. We sit at the same table everynight for dinner, with the same 2 waiters (one that took our orders and stuff and one that brought the drinks and bread). Zaldy and Charle (pronounced like Charlie). They're both foreign. Charle is our main waiter, and has been calling me "Laurie" all week. Nick made a point to correct him last night, so now he calls me "Walerie". Anyway, so they danced for us last night, some of them with cakes on their heads. It was highly amusing; especially Charle, he was really getting into it haha. I wished I'd had my camera. He definitely earned his tip.

There was supposed to be this party thing with a buffet on the deck around the pool with a live band and dancing last night at 11, and I wanted to go. So we went up there around 10 or so, just to check out what was going on, but obviously we were early and they were just setting up. Nick started feeling bad and wanted to go back to the room so we did. Five minutes later I had a severe attack of stomach pain. I ended up crying (again), wanting to jump off the boat, and Nick had to get my mom. I took a bunch of meds (MORE meds) and she went back to bed. She offered to take me down to the medical center or whatever but I doubt they'd know ANYTHING about my condition heh. Sooo yeah.

Tomorrow we're going swimming with the sting rays in Grand Cayman. My mom got me a cheap disposable underwater camera so I'll try to get some pictures.

Hopefully my stomach will quit trying to kill me.

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6104499/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6104499/ Mon, 01 Aug 2005 18:22:39 PDT I'm posting a few shots I took as we were leaving Miami on the Explorer Of The Seas.

Right now I'm depressed because Nick is pissed at me for being on DA and he just left with my parents to go to some show.

When we got off the plane in Miami, we sat around for an hour waiting for our luggage before we had to go to the office and report it missing. They said it was probably still in Atlanta (we had to do a connecting flight; RDU - Atlanta - Miami) and would be on the next flight which was in 30 minutes and should get to the boat before it leaves. We got it around 7pm, but never got my dad's bag. So he had to buy some stuff on the ship, which I don't think he had to pay for. He was also able to rent a tux this evening for the formal dinner without having to pay for it either, since he didn't have his suit jacket.

Nick wore a tux tonight as well. He looked so cute.

Last night, Nick went to sleep at 10. I was loading pictures off of my cam. I tried to go to sleep too but I couldn't. It was too early. So I forced Nick to get up and go get in the jacuzzi with me on Deck 11, since it's open 24 hours a day.

This morning we got room service at 10am and then I went back to sleep. Slept until 4pm. Was angry with myself for wasting a whole day sleeping. But I've been feeling really sick since two nights ago, and haven't been sleeping too well anyhow. My stomach aches have been getting progressively worse over this past week. Yesterday was the worst it's been in a long long time.

We didn't stop anywhere today. Tomorrow we'll be landing in Belize, where we're doing this jungle "canopy" tour. I don't really know what to expect. We have to have our hands free so I'm not sure there will be many photo-ops... but I'll bring my camera just in case.

That's all for now.

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6079590/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6079590/ Sat, 30 Jul 2005 16:32:08 PDT +

Mmmf. Been packing all day and I'm totally exhausted. My head hurts and my stomach has been killing me really bad these past few days.

I downloaded the Black Eyed Peas CD and have been listening to it for a couple days straight now. I quite like it.

Yesterday I took Nick to get his hair cut and dyed (dark brown). I think it looks really good. She also did his eyebrows. He said it didn't even hurt. Poor guy, he was being really tolerant.

My stomach problems are becoming increasingly unbearable. I don't know what to do anymore u.u We've tried nearly everything. *Sigh*

I should finish packing... we're leaving at 7:15am tomorrow morning for the airport, and I'm going to die. We're flying to Miami, FL, where we'll board the boat.

I'm bringing my computer but I highly doubt I'll be using much of it. I'm only using it to get pictures off of my camera, cause I know I'll be taking a lot.

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6053033/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6053033/ Wed, 27 Jul 2005 22:33:18 PDT My cat is a witty one, that he is.

So, as I explained yesterday, Stinky brought me a tampon, which he got from god knows where.

Just now, he walks in carrying in his mouth a little plastic bag full of... full of SCREWS. In his mouth. A bag of screws.

My dad says "I guess he knows when there's a room full of people with screws loose."

I laughed so hard that I cried. Though I was almost in tears anyway over something completely different and completely on the other end of the emotional spectrum...

Maybe you had to be there. Maybe you have to have seen it to appreciate the ultimate hilarity of this scenario.

I think I'll make a list... a list of all the random inanimate things he brings to me, and when he dies, that list... that list will immortalize him in my memories. "You are what you fetch." That shall be engraved on his tombstone. Which will probably not even exist considering we don't usually bury our cats. Although I think Stinky would deserve a proper burial... tombstone and all. But that's not for awhile. He's only 1.

ANYWAY, I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Which is why I was nearly in tears before Stinky brought me the bag of screws. I won't explain why. Yes, it was a... heartwarming movie... but that wasn't why I was nearly in tears. I'll shut up now before I spark too many people's curiosity. As they say, "curiosity killed the cat."

But I'm okay now, because the cat brought me the required tools to fix my brain.

TOMORROW
IS A HAPPY DAY

That creepy British guy comes back tomorrow. Yes he does. And then Sunday... Sunday we go on VACATION FROM THIS HORRIBLE SHITWORLD.

Cruise a la Caribbean. Don't be jealous, please. Even though I might be going on a cruise this Sunday, you wouldn't want to be me. You wouldn't want my life. Nope. No way.

I'm going now.
Have a nice day

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6034743/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6034743/ Mon, 25 Jul 2005 22:22:33 PDT Haha I'm so lame.

Clubbin': aka "teen night" at the City Limit Saloon (haha sounds like something from a wild west movie, complete with one of those "ride-the-bull" things)
aka: Lame on a stick/hickville/bush country

Ugh. It was retarded. They played a few good rap songs and then a shitwad of country. Sssick. Oh yeah. And the Macarena. What. The. Crap.

I have officially decided that I'm ugly. Or stinky. Or something undesirable because not even one guy even glanced at me, spoke to me, or danced with me tonight. Well, besides my best friend's boyfriend who only danced with me out of pity. How pathetic is that? It was sweet, and he's a really nice guy and all but... gah. This just proves to me how much I hate being social and how I should just not even try anymore. I mean, I was dancing like everyone else... granted I'm not the best dancer and I probably looked like I was seizuring or something... but I mean I wasn't just standing on the side, watching like I usually do! I wasn't a "wallflower"!!! Grrr. D:

My legs were about to turn into jelly by the time I left. And to top it all off, I got lost on the way home. Accidently turned the wrong way on a one-way street. Stupid fucking downtown and all their one-way, confusing-as-hell streets. Fortunately, I was driving home alone so no one had to witness my panic attack. Haha.

Yeeeah. I'm totally downloading the Fiddy Cent song "Just a Lil Bit" cause it's hot. And I'm secretly obsessed with rap. But SHHH don't tell anyone.

My tummy hurts D:

Yeah so I'm gonna go back to being the geeky, antisocial computer freak that likes Harry Potter. I'm sure Nick will be happy to hear that.

OMFG my cat just brought me a tampon (still in the package, not used). He was carrying it in his mouth and he just set it down next to me. I was like "Um... thanks?" haha. What a dumbass.

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6013553/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6013553/ Sat, 23 Jul 2005 14:07:38 PDT +

Yeah I definitely named my new laptop "Awithateetha" so now my shared docs folder shows up on the other computers as "Shared Docs on Awithateetha" haha. That's awesome.

GUESS WHO JUST GOT FOUR TICKETS TO SEE NINE INCH NAILS IN CHICAGO IL WITH QUEENS OF THE FUCKING STONE AGE?!

Yeah, that would be me.
And I'm just oozing with excitement, yes I am.

IN OTHER NEWS...
Um... I forgot.

Oh yeah, my old hardrive had seven different viruses on it. 6 of which were quarantined and deleted and the other one we had to find and delete manually. Stupid viruses. People who create viruses are HORRIBLE AWFUL CREATURES that should BURN.

That's all
Have a nice fricken day.

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6009430/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/6009430/ Sat, 23 Jul 2005 00:12:15 PDT +

Well... I had a rather shitty day. Kind of.

Last night I called Nick at 5am. My phone was nearly dead and after about 30 minutes of talking, it died. I'd already told him my phone was dying so I hope he wasn't too upset that I hung up on him. So anyway, I didn't call him back because, well... the phone was dead and I was too tired to go downstairs to get the only other phone with the long-distance phone card number already programmed into it. So I went to sleep.

I had an appointment this morning at 1pm and my dad came bursting into my room at 11 saying something about needing to find the manuals to my old computer; he'd gotten a call that my new laptop came in, and he needed to find all the stuff that went with my old one so he could take it to Best Buy and trade it in. After about 20 minutes of rummaging around with a flashlight and me telling him that it's not in there, he left. Came back a few minutes later saying he didn't know where else they would be. This time he turned on the light. I rolled over and whined for him to leave and turn off the light. "They're not in here." He stopped and said "Well then where are they? If you have any better ideas let me know because I'm doing this for you so you can get your computer today. Don't you want your new laptop?!"

"NO. I DONT. LET ME SLEEP." He said fine and left. As soon as he did I remembered where they were; I got up, grabbed the two manuals from under a pile of things on the couch in my room, and walked out of my room, handing them to my dad. "I lied." After he had the manuals, he had the list of cables that came with the computer. We were still missing two cables, so he had to keep looking.

Basically, I didn't get to sleep any longer. When my mom finally came in to wake me up I was in a really nasty mood. We got in an argument and I started crying. We get over it, and I went to my appointment.

I'll spare you the details.

I got home and my dad was in the living room with my new computer, loading some anti-spyware/anti-virus software. I went back to bed around 4. Slept until 9 (Probably because I'd forgotten my meds last night, which would also attribute to my emotional outburst this morning). I usually take my antidepressants at night, because they make me drowsy, but since I'd forgotten them... I took them this morning, which is why I slept all day.

When my parents got home from having dinner with the Murphy's, we watched "The Jacket." It was so good. I really like Adrian Brody. Over the past week I've seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Chronicles of Riddick, Constantine, and War of the Worlds. All of which were good. Constantine reminded me of Dogma slightly. Sadly, though, I watched all of them with my parents... :\ I suppose I should be thankful that I get along with them so well. It just seems sad though that I only ever go out and do stuff with anyone besides my parents like once a month.

So anyway, it's after 3am and I think I'm going to go to bed.

+

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/5991679/ http://xnailbunnyx.deviantart.com/journal/5991679/ Thu, 21 Jul 2005 00:44:35 PDT +

Oh dear. *Sigh* I am quite frustrated with a particular author at the moment for a quite devastating ending to a book I happened to be enthralled in all day. I found myself nearly in tears over the death of a character I must have unknowingly become attached to and I am now, quite frankly, depressed. Though, I am thus guilty of feeling remorse over a fictional character, which might seem somewhat... mental.

However, there are various other assorted problems adding to my increasingly bad mood. Such as yet another antibiotic which I seem to be allergic to (adding to the growing list), and another sign that my fight against my neverending stomach aches is futile... hopeless, even.

I also obtained a rather ugly wound on my back which I'd numbed earlier today. But the numbing medicine has now worn off and my entire back is burning in agony.

Joy.

The good news is, my new laptop has been shipped, and was sent from Japan to Alaska, and is on it's way here now. And no, I am not obsessively tracking its progress. That would be my dad's job.

Ugh... it burns...

the ceiling gets closer all the time... ]]> ~xnailbunnyx