http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:xxbullettheoryxx&section=today deviantART RSS for by:xxbullettheoryxx en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 05 Dec 2009 03:06:20 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/12595510/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/12595510/ Sat, 14 Apr 2007 17:13:15 PDT
Plus it kind of gets boring in random intervals.

but life is lovely. I quit going to school, and I am being unschooled. Which is the perfect method of education for moi <3 It is amazing.

I am into this one guy.........

who has somehow managed to get inside my soul and .... I am stopping there...

I miss you all <3

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/12301560/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/12301560/ Fri, 23 Mar 2007 19:32:15 PDT
I belong there.

So I need to practice stuff more, and learn new things ^_^

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/11088540/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/11088540/ Sat, 16 Dec 2006 21:30:04 PST
Okay, i lied. I DO know why. Im angry because of all these lies that surround me. Im angry because people have this LACK of understanding. Im sick of the apathy.

I miss paul. Ive tried to block it out. Ive tried to forget. But i miss him so bad. And im never going to heal, because i try to avoid thinking about him. But oh god i miss him. It hurts to miss someone like this. To see his pictures i still have saved on my computer, and to remember all of our conversations. To remember the words, the love that we had.

It hurts. it stings. But i cant cry. It doesnt go beyond thoughts. I want to cry. I wanna scream. WHY CANT I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

My body is against me. The closest i come to crying is my throat feeling tight and swollen.

Oh god i miss him. ><

But i think i made my point with that. Im not sure. I dont know. Im confused. I havent had my medication in awhile either. So im practically spazzing out.

I can finally yell at steven without actually caring. its a powerful feeling. To tell him off. HAH. never thought it would come to that. BUT MAN i really hate him.

Never thought i would be who i am now anyways. Never ever.

Psh. who would have guessed.

i have so much homework to do. Im sad. I dont wanna do it. Its gonna be hard. Im gonna fail spanish this term. >.< oh god. i fucking hate that class. why do i bother?!?!?!?!

blah

well...

yeah.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/11047113/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/11047113/ Wed, 13 Dec 2006 03:50:01 PST It has been said many times that beginning with the end in mind will prevent trouble from occurring. Why do humans not apply this concept to relationships? Roxanne firmly believed that her relationship with Christian would go on forever. She was easily blinded, and put forth trust into the deceptive illusion of “forever”. The moment Christian fell to his untimely death, Roxanne’s heart was crushed. She never once understood the reality of her short lived love.
In psychology Christian’s infatuation would be called mistaken sensory perception. He originally fell for Roxanne’s semblance, not her soul. Roxanne was equally guilty of the crime. The first thing people notice about the opposite sex, is their appearance. Unfortunately this end with the two people being obsessed with physical facades. One would not normally pick out a book with an unappealing cover. This same idea goes with the unrealistic perceptions that love can portray.
Using the two examples of unrealistic perceptions, the belief in forever, and mistaken sensory perception, it is easy to infer that love under these circumstances would end in heartbreak. As humans the immediate reaction is to cry, or be angry with oneself. These emotions generally last a few weeks, or even months. In extreme cases, the heartbroken one continues to mourn and eventually gives up on love. All of the above are key effects. However, becoming isolated is the most relevant to the play, and real life circumstances as well.
Roxanne is the perfect example of a person suffering from a secluded lifestyle. She continues to mourn in a convent, even after fourteen years of Christian’s death. Roxanne gave up a chance for a potentially marvelous lifestyle to mourn her loss. She is disconnected from the world, and has no admirers, per se. The only way she is connected to anyone is through Cyrano when he comes to visit her. This desire to be alone spawns from loss of hope to find anyone else.
In conclusion, there are many causes for heartbreak, and many effects of it as well. The unrealistic perceptions of love, then the isolation after the initial heartbreak, are the most relevant causes and effects.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10991517/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10991517/ Fri, 08 Dec 2006 06:03:15 PST
which means, i wont have any friends. ever.

because, all the " smart " kids, and i do not really get along. mostly because..im different. and the smart kids..fall into the " rich " and preppy category of the high school social world.

its kinda ..unfair. i think.

while i love the idea of not having to deal with stupid people, i rely on them for my daily entertainment.

i need them to function. T_T otherwise its a bunch of smart kids vyying for the attention of being the best.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10965290/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10965290/ Tue, 05 Dec 2006 19:54:11 PST
it just hit me how detatched i am from myself, and my surroundings. im entirely absorbed in my world of...school related things. learning per..se...

i dont quite remember the last time i had a conversation about myself. which is kind of good..but kind of not. that means im losing sense of who i am. im " perpetually stuck " in my cyber/literary world. i hurts a bit.

i cant wait until christmas vacation. because then, i can just sorta..do nothing.

but at the same time, christmas is sort of empty. since 4th grade when my grandma died..since then..christmas has no magic. i remember she called me when i was 5,and pretended to be mrs.claus. i really believed it. and i didnt even know it was her until 2 years ago..........

i suppose all the hurt i have had builds up in the colder months, and i withdraw. become depressed. i dont really run from my problems. i just avoid them, and push them into the back of my head. because i really cant deal with them. because im weak. or..because i have brainwashed myself. yes. i brainwashed myself. into automatically discarding all bits of information that are virtually useless to my well being. anything that could harm me, automatically goes to the trash bin. and im NOT kidding. i dont even dwell. and sometimes dwelling is what can keep people going.

im empty.and not saying this in an "emo" sense either. theres no fullfillment...nothing.

it probably started back when steven put me through all that shit. -.- but im not even gonna go there now.

i have to say, the people i love most, arent even real figures to me. they are just words on a screen. mandi...kat...robyn...george...a few others. i love them more than anything. but im scared, because, i dont FEEL the love. you know? its just a thought in my head. does that make it not real? does that mean i really dont love anyone? including my own family? or am i just disfunctional? why cant i tell these things to my psychologist.....

i really wish i could....

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10956814/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10956814/ Tue, 05 Dec 2006 05:53:35 PST
my grandmothers death anniversary, is near. this weekend...but i dont feel anything.

im void. i have never felt this way. or maybe, i somehow tricked myself into feeling emotion, when i never really did.

i cant remember the last time i felt something..... something overwhelming.

im scared. i dont want to be as callous as i have become. but i am.

the only thing i feel are my thoughs, but things in your mind..arent felt. thoughts can cause sensations...but..mine dont cause any. when they should. its not natural.

i dont fear.
i dont love.
i dont long.

i miss feelings. i do...

or maybe i dont. maybe i just think i do.

im completely confused. i dont know whats wrong with me.

can someone answer my questions? does anyone know how i feel?

i miss paul, in my mind. but my body doesnt feel it.
i love him, in my mind but my heart doesnt pound.

eh. this bothers me greatly. and i really need to talk tosomeone

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10887195/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10887195/ Wed, 29 Nov 2006 06:07:00 PST
bored.

bored.

bored.

im clueless. seriously

my teacher is talking. but i dont hear words.

i hear nothing.

O_O

except.

well. whatever. thats not important.

i didnt do my spanish homework. im a rebel

jkjk

i hate spanish.

but im sure you have heard me say that more than once. i dunno. -.-

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10865926/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10865926/ Mon, 27 Nov 2006 08:56:23 PST
]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10864799/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10864799/ Mon, 27 Nov 2006 06:26:07 PST Handles picshell1.Click, picshell2.Click, picshell3.Click

'Determine which shell was clicked by user

Dim picshellclicked As PictureBox = sender
Dim intshellclicked As Integer = Val(picshellclicked.Tag)

'pick the shell that hides the pearl
Randomize()
Dim intshellwithpearl As Integer = Int(3 * Rnd()) + 1

'show the pearl

Select Case intshellwithpearl
Case 1
Me.picpearl1.Visible = True
Case 2
Me.picpearl2.Visible = True
Case 3
Me.picpearl3.Visible = True

End Select

'display message to player
If intshellclicked = intshellwithpearl Then
MessageBox.Show(" You won!! ")
Else
MessageBox.Show(" Sorry you lose! ")
End If

'hide pearl again
Select Case intshellwithpearl
Case 1
Me.picpearl1.Visible = False
Case 2
Me.picpearl2.Visible = False
Case 3
Me.picpearl3.Visible = False

End Select

End Sub
End Class




DOES THAT LOOK FUN!?

not.

omg.

i didnt wanna go to school today

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10796694/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10796694/ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 06:07:17 PST
Private Sub btnBreakDown_Click(ByVal sender As Object, ByVal e As System.EventArgs) Handles btnBreakDown.Click
Dim intnumberentered As Integer
Dim intonesdigit As Integer
Dim inttensdigit As Integer
Dim inthundredsdigit As Integer

intnumberentered = Val(Me.txtNumber.Text)
If intnumberentered < 10 Then
[link] = "The first digit is:" & intnumberentered
ElseIf intnumberentered < 100 Then
Call TwoDigits(intnumberentered, inttensdigit, intonesdigit)
[link] = "the first digit is:" & inttensdigit & _
vbCrLf & " the second digit is:" & intonesdigit
ElseIf intnumberentered < 1000 Then
Call threedigits(intnumberentered, inthundredsdigit, inttensdigit, intonesdigit)
[link]="the first digit is:" &inthundredsdigit & _
vbCrlf & " the second digit is:" &inttensdigit &_
vbCrlf & " the third digit is:" &intonesdigit
Else
[link] = "invalid entry"
End If
End Sub
'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'the digits of a two digit number are returned in a separate parameters'
'
'pre:intnum is a number less than 100 and greater than -100'
'post: intfirstdigit is a number between 0 and 9 inclusive'
'intseconddigit is a number between 0 and 9 inclusive'
'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sub TwoDigits(ByVal intnum As Integer, ByRef intfirstdigit As Integer, _
ByRef intseconddigit As Integer, ByRef intthirddigit As Integer)

intfirstdigit = intnum \ 10
intnum = intnum Mod 10
End Sub
'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'The digits of a three-digit number are returned in separate parameters
'
'pre:intnum is a number less than 1000 and greater than -1000
'post:intfirstdigit is a number between 0 and 9 inclusive
'intseconddigit is a number between 0 and 9 inclusive
'intthirddigit is a number between 0 and 9 inclusive
'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sub threedigits(ByVal intnum As Integer, ByRef intfirstdigit As Integer, _
ByRef intseconddigit As Integer, ByRef intthirddigit As Integer)

intfirstdigit = intnum \ 100
intnum = intnum Mod 100
Call TwoDigits(intnum, intseconddigit, intthirddigit)
End Sub
End Class


****************************

nothing fun or interesting about that. AT ALL

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10796648/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10796648/ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 05:58:27 PST
]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10788271/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10788271/ Mon, 20 Nov 2006 11:41:33 PST
well talk to you guys later.....

much love kay<3

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10758978/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10758978/ Fri, 17 Nov 2006 18:09:20 PST
Wait, there cant be that many halfs to a person. ....

oh well.

I guess i should let it all out. right now.

im in love. incredibly in love. with paul. it wont stop, it wont end. hes 2000 miles away. but that doesnt matter to me. i guess most would call that silly. but what i had....with him, was amazing. (i would still like to say i have it......but..well...whatever)

and reading all his stuff on DA and Myspace, god damn it hurts. i feel this pain in my heart every time. i miss him. i really do.

has anyone ever felt like, a part of you is gone, after a person is away for a long time?

i backed out of his life a bit because, well..school. is a bitch. and the three hour time difference, make it difficult to communicate. i have an odd feeling that the last time we "argued" i hurt him somehow. and i really didnt intend for that to happen.

but everywhere i go, and all that i say and do..it reminds me of him. i miss all the conversations till 5am...and how he made me feel amazing. i miss having someone intelligent and wonderful to talk to. i miss the text messages. i miss being missed. i miss really loving someone.

and now i have myself crying, over this. i havent cried like this in so long. ive been so happy. but i miss paul so incredibly much.

and thats all i can say, because thats all i can manage to feel. and when im upset, i get lost in my words. they run together, and my mind just spins.

i wish he knew, i wish he would understand, how much, i really love him. how much i need him, how much i want to be there for him...

paul, i love you.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10708751/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10708751/ Mon, 13 Nov 2006 06:22:46 PST
spanish will be miserable. and i do not look forward to it. i have so much to do and im overwhelmed. ireally need to talk to paul, i miss him..but hes not talking to me. i had 3 hours of sleep last night, and today wont be enjoyable. my goal is to go home and take a fucking nap. ^_^ which will make me happy. yay. okay so time to go, " pals " class time. joy joy.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10702910/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10702910/ Sun, 12 Nov 2006 15:50:44 PST
Im getting a job this week, so i wont be able to be online as much T_T that makes me incredibly sad, but i need money, and new clothes, and DA prints. ^_^

oh and christmas presents <3

i love christmas time. hehe

hmm and i want more " lolita " like clothing. joy joy.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10688323/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10688323/ Sat, 11 Nov 2006 09:34:00 PST yep.

ive become slightly addicted to this site lately. O_O and addicted to a few other things.

i promise, its not healthy....

no im not doing drugs!

im so happy too.

art makes me happier than anything......

art/love/literature. ^_^

i wanna make a better post,but that shall wait till later. im also planning on posting a few new things sometime this weekend. depends if i get off of being lazy..and i have a few projects to do. argh.

i just realized that....

most of my personal deviations are " pretty ".....but all the things on my favorites tends to be gorey and out there....hah....

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10672232/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10672232/ Thu, 09 Nov 2006 18:36:18 PST
and also. no one comments my stuff. i mean, is it that bad?

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10666379/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10666379/ Thu, 09 Nov 2006 05:57:57 PST
gah. this class....

i cannot express my hatred for this class in anymore terms than i have already. :: SCREAMS :: jesus christ. someone save me.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10662601/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10662601/ Wed, 08 Nov 2006 18:49:41 PST
however...i think that the tension will still be there, and things will still be said. some people seem to think this certain guy has " cast a shade " on us. whatEVER. i really dont believe in magic...and if i believe in anything paranormal, its all solely based upon the powerful workings of the mind. silly people.

anyways. lately ive been in the mood for art. literally craving it. one of the reasons why ive returned to this site and am becoming more active here. i want to converse with people who share the same passions as me. its almost time i found intellectuals to surround myself with. i really need it.

but man, this chick on VF, i have her on my friends thingie here, and her work is amazinggggggggggggggggggggggggg. ive been inspired so much from it. i hope she knows

theres more i want to say im just so unsure how. i always say that though. i never can find the words to say..or even how..:: sigh ::

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10655302/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10655302/ Wed, 08 Nov 2006 05:34:16 PST
my friend sarah has a pretty mohawk. XD

everyone laughed. thats not nice.

just goes to show that when someone tries to be themselves, you get knocked down. really bad.

but i dont care. i only care about how badly i effin hate this class. im not even looking at the screen right now. which is pretty damn neat. lol......

i have to keep my eyes on that teacher so that, he doesnt suspect me of anything. still have a whole hour left. jesus christ -.-
and yeah, only updating cause im so freaking bored. its quite dreadful.....

and all i can do is daydream :: sigh ::

well im off to go comment more artwork. ^_^

much love to all <33333

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10651282/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10651282/ Tue, 07 Nov 2006 18:36:26 PST
definitely wins over myspace and vampirefreaks.

but to anyone that may see this, leave me your myspace if you have one.. ^_^ i would appreciate it. i love new friends and actually talking with people...and please comment my stuff.they make me happy

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10644496/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10644496/ Tue, 07 Nov 2006 05:27:55 PST
but whatever.

i want to learn CSS..anyone feel like being my tutor?

on a more emotional note, im in great dispair

seriously......

battling with love and hate is exhausting. i just want to sleep for days and days.

is that depression?

i miss a person so badly, that it aches, it hurts. i hope he knows it. i hope he misses me. because i love him so much.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10644452/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10644452/ Tue, 07 Nov 2006 05:20:26 PST
]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10420035/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10420035/ Tue, 17 Oct 2006 05:28:49 PDT
i guess im just that pathetic, no? i wish my fucking teacher would help me with this shit im doing that i dont know how to do. i want to scream for not knowing. maybe im not cut out for this? or maybe... just MAYBE its my lame ass teacher being, a , lame ass teacher. no ? probably.

:: sigh :: i have all these thoughts i need to get rid of. but im unsure how. ive been writing poetry a lot lately..but not as much as i need to. everything is catching up and overflowing. grrrrr...sometimes i just feel like i need to escape it all. maybe i will update here every morning..if i could ever find my AML password i would update there. ^_^ yay.

well im gonna go now, before i get caught. i love you paul and im thinking of you this very moment. you are in my heart always...

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10365867/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10365867/ Thu, 12 Oct 2006 05:48:32 PDT
whatever

this post was useless. just taking up my space on the internet.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10223869/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10223869/ Fri, 29 Sep 2006 09:17:31 PDT
ive been thinking a lot lately. of course....thats..nothing new...

but most about paul and my future and what im going to do. again...nothing new..but..well...

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10211605/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10211605/ Thu, 28 Sep 2006 06:00:09 PDT [link]. those are great adj. computer programming. ftl.

sarah and i are dressing as guys tomorrow, or monday. hooray.

]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10077433/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10077433/ Fri, 15 Sep 2006 05:39:58 PDT

anyways. not much heart pouring to do here, just aimless typing from boredom like whoaaaaaaaa. haha. i love this class, its great, without...the boringness.so now im getting people to make accounts on this site so we can 'pass notes '. sneakyness ftw. except im just really paranoid. haha



]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10077414/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10077414/ Fri, 15 Sep 2006 05:35:34 PDT

anyways. not much heart pouring to do here, just aimless typing from boredom like whoaaaaaaaa. haha. i love this class, its great, without...the boringness.so now im getting people to make accounts on this site so we can 'pass notes '. sneakyness ftw. except im just really paranoid. haha



]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10067335/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/10067335/ Thu, 14 Sep 2006 06:06:23 PDT ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9973140/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9973140/ Tue, 05 Sep 2006 05:13:24 PDT
last night was odd.

but im okay, maybe hes right. callie is always wrong, at least thats how it seems. i have other things to worry about not, things that are out of my hands. not cool. i love him, always will. for some reason i feel like i lost my best friend. i had grown so close, yet i knew this would prolly happen to me.

i love you ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9375433/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9375433/ Fri, 14 Jul 2006 12:33:27 PDT
im learning to open my eyes more to the things around me, and value myself more than i do. i dont deserve to be treated the way that i have been treated. the past two years ive downgraded myself into believing that i was worthless, and that i deserved pain.....

but now im just seeing how brainwashed i was. there are guys i gave up, who love me unconditionally....for someone who treated me like shit...but now. thats over. i cant take it anymore. i dont need it. i dont deserve it. i will be strong....^_^ ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9368969/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9368969/ Thu, 13 Jul 2006 20:13:38 PDT
bored..


much...

so. theres not really anything to say. pretty much the same drama....love pain...betrayl...on and on.. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9355813/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9355813/ Wed, 12 Jul 2006 15:23:55 PDT
i guess summer has pretty much sucked. besides all the making out. and all the conversations till 5am. thats great. i wont forget this summer as long as i live........i wont forget him as long as i live.


callie really needs to quit giving in so much. i always give in to people. im so sweet. i always forgive. its not fair!!!! NO NO NO NO NO...well. ima go for now. i cant really think about anything to write. all my thoughts are trapped in my head and i cant get them out. they wont let me! they wont let me! but writing is the best therapy. i swear.


EDIT
thought i would edit and say that i feel so much better than i did earlier. a certain person made me happy ^_^ like he always does <3 i love you for that.....gosh.....im so silly.... ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9348604/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9348604/ Tue, 11 Jul 2006 21:52:12 PDT ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9336015/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9336015/ Mon, 10 Jul 2006 19:10:53 PDT
some of you may have read about that guy that im always talking about on here. steven. well apparently he has had a gf all this time. he told me this last night. and i swear my heart has never hurt so much in my entire life. ive dedicated the past two years of my life to loving him unconditionally. trying so desperately hard to make him happy. trying to be with him. but its like he has always pushed me away. shoved me to the side. as if im trash. a pretty little toy to play with. thats how i feel. he has said some of the most amazing things to me, beautiful things.and then he hurts me. and i forgive him, and everything is okay for a little while, then he just hurts me more. im in this huge state of confusion and pain. i dont know what to do, or where to go. who to turn to.

i wish i were stronger, so i could make him hurt the way he has made me hurt oh so many times. all the lies that he has told me, and all the false hope he has instilled in me. all i can think...is why? why me? why hurt me? someone completely innocent and someone who loves you so fucking much? why hurt me? why not anyone else? why why why why why. i have so many questions, and he gives me so few answers. i try to talk to him...i try to make things right. nothing works. it doesnt matter. its like talking to a wall. no response. nothing. this guy is my first everything. literally. except we havent had sex yet. which im so glad...cause that would complicate this even more than it already is.

my head is pounding so hard right now. racing with thoughts. i feel like laying down and dying. just disappearing into my matress. like. going away forever. i feel as if i will never be good enough for him. or maybe, im too good. i know hes afraid..because im "so perfect"...at least thats how he put it.

when im in his arms, or kissing him, or laying on top of him and feeling his heart pound, the world feels okay. i feel so happy, so safe and secure. then he always rips that away. he told me that he cant hurt his gf....but what about ME. he told me last night that he didnt care if he hurt her, he only cared that i was happy. and that i make him happy, and that im so wonderful, and out of all the things in his life, im the best that hes ever seen. i dont get it. i dont understand. why would he do this? what would make him hurt me this way?

have i dont something so horrible to deserve this?

my head keeps throbbing. all i want to do is cry in his arms. punch him and make him be with me, make him see how much i love him, and how much i need him, how much we need each other. i want to scream and throw a tantrum. but no i have to settle for simply accepting the fact that he has hurt me so deeply. this is the worst thing ive ever felt. ive been hurt so much in my life, so much. but this.........

i feel. like a child. who has been abused or abandoned. im lost and alone. so im trying to write, and pour everything out no matter how hard it hurts ,because when its all stuck inside me, it drives me more insane. and then i cant take it. it really sucks because everything in my room, everything around me reminds me of him. especially my bed.because he has layed on that bed with me. we have kissed in this room,and done other things.

so confused.

im a mess. a train wreck waiting to be cleaned up, shattered glass waiting to be mended. im trying to fly on broken wings, and trying to cry with dried eyes. so desperately reaching for something, something safe, that i cant find....i cant reach......its not there. everything in my life has proved to be an illusion, an illusion that has done nothing but hurt me, and give me hope in things that do not exist. nothing really makes much sense to me anymore. i feel like giving up. but i wont....because im strong. im a strong girl. ive been hurt more than people can imagine, and ive managed to hang on. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9130367/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9130367/ Tue, 20 Jun 2006 19:40:03 PDT
i cant complain too much. i knew i was getting myself into this. and i let it happen.v_v because im weak. and stupid. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9091916/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9091916/ Fri, 16 Jun 2006 23:07:05 PDT
that explains. why when i write poetry, i feel as if a huge load has been lifted. all the venom is drained. taken away.

much like when i kiss someone. the pain just flows out of me,into him.

interesting. ive been having fun these past few days. not really what the rest of the world would consider fun. but ive been researching things that pop into my head. anything. i have learned SO FUCKING much. random facts. my teachers are going to hate me next year. haha...


im also. trying to get a headstart on computer programming. fun fun. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9068039/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9068039/ Wed, 14 Jun 2006 15:04:33 PDT
But when I think about myself,and look in from the outside. I see a girl, who is lost, confused,alone, and hurt. Wounded beyond repair. Looking in from the outside hurts. But when i stay inside and look out, i see myself as someone who is strong, amazing, beautiful, powerful, wise, intelligent and talented. Does this make sense? Maaaaaaybe not.

So anyways. Here I am. Sneaking this guy into my room every night. Which is the only thrill ive ever had. haha. Its so amazing being in his arms, his breath against my breasts, eyes looking into mine, lips pressed hard against my lips. Hands roaming. All that. Its like everywhere his hands touch, it burns, and its like im melting, turning into something else. My mind is over powered by those sensations. Its so incredibly amazing to feel another humans heart pound beneath your hand, especially that of one you love so deeply that it hurts to think about it.

Ive spent. 2 years trying to force myself to stay away from him. Not be hurt anym ore. Not to fall for his touch and kiss, his words. But something keeps pulling me back. Maybe its my weakness, my weakness for him. MY NEED to feel touch, fingertips, kisses, the way between my legs gets hot. I NEED IT. but then after the high is over, i fall, and i bruise.

so this goes back to, be good, or be bad. when im good, im vulnerable, innocent, sweet, naive.but when im bad, im bitchy, sassy, freaky, and strong.

Both have all these negative effects and its so hard to deal with. i dont understand anything anymore. it confuses me to the point of sanity.

i want this guy. and i want him bad. i want to lose my virginity to him. but im so scared. its crazy....

well more later cause im out of thoughts. im completely drained. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9052470/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9052470/ Tue, 13 Jun 2006 00:35:48 PDT none. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9041819/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9041819/ Sun, 11 Jun 2006 22:39:22 PDT
no. its good. anyways. like. im so amazed. at how. all these things, in life, are typically taken as "evil" or "taboo". but when u research them and learn about them, its not bad at all.

people are so stupid. to put things down when they dont understand what they mean or what they stand for. example.

*satanism
*pentagrams
*wicca
*swastikas

i mean. omfg. i dont understand how people can be so narrow. its driving me nuts. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9037762/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9037762/ Sun, 11 Jun 2006 14:20:13 PDT
except my boobs. i love those.

i want to just. die. or at least. have the ability to forget every guy who has ever hurt me. or broke my heart. then i would be happy.

for a little while. whatever.

you would never guess that im really happy. surprise.

ive accomplished quite a bit this summer so far.

its hot. but it feels so good. i love heat. the way it just wraps around your body and makes u feel sleepy and comfortable. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9006671/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9006671/ Thu, 08 Jun 2006 08:06:34 PDT
sadly. when it comes down to it. most do.

especially me. im becoming someone i told myself i would never become. i get weaker when it comes to the male race. i feel myself slip under their grasp. i let them control my emotions. and it really shouldnt be that way. its not healthy.

im scared. for many reasons. but whatever......

summer is okay so far. im not bored at least. wow. lol. theres so much to do, so little time. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9001393/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/9001393/ Wed, 07 Jun 2006 17:07:22 PDT
and all this other shit. mean people. i hate them. >< they should. u know. die. thats all i have to say for now. cause i am so incredibly frustrated and angry at the world. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8992231/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8992231/ Tue, 06 Jun 2006 18:46:07 PDT
anyway. another thing. a religion. that callie wants to practice. *gasp* i want to be a satanist. i really do. i researched the religion.and they dont worship satan. or even believe in satan. it fits me quite well. that makes me happy. that ive finally found something i may be able to fit into. ive been debating giving up guys recently. theres 1 that im really attatched to. i love him. its crazy. i havent really known him that long. but its this feeling...its something that cannot be described in my blogs, my poetry, or anything else. but i will never have him. unless he would agree to a long distance relationship. which i highly doubt.

i know someone out there is reading this wondering why im confessing my love for a girl in one paragraph, and a guy in the other. the answer my friend..i do not know. so dont ask. please. i will get more confused and frustrated. im really happy that ive given up my everlasting addiction to steven. someone like him really doesnt deserve my love. because the love i want to give is entirely too precious for a person like that >.<. i dont need anymore pain from the male race. lesbianism seems good for me. but thats something i wont know for a few years. when my hormones straighten themselves out. haha. but yeah. anyway. i would post this stuff on myspace. but theres too many nosey bitches over there, and i would get tons of hate mail. whatever. i just want to keep the peace right now. theres so much more i want to say, but im getting really tired and my neck hurts like all fucking hell. tomorrow is the last day of school and that makes me very very happy. XD

love u people..!!!!!! ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8977344/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8977344/ Mon, 05 Jun 2006 10:58:28 PDT whoot hoot. paul has inspired me greatly. he says hes going to do stuff, and he gets it done. i admire this. callie says she will do stuff, and almost never gets it done. BAD CALLIE. so callie is being proactive about her decision to do something worthy. like reading, which is one of my passions. so im forming a summer reading list. which i will post and then like, check off all the ones i read as i read them. i can finish a book in a day, assuming that i spend some time on it. also. i think that next year im actually going to put effort into my school work. this year i put no effort what so ever. and i got Cs. imagine if i just did my homework, instead of writing down numbers, or reviewed notes, itstead of just writing them....i could have As. i could have an amazing GPA and go to any college i wanted. if i only did the tiny bit of work that it takes to do that. i mean really. stuff isnt hard for me. im just lazy. blah. geometry for example. i did NOTHING in that class. and i have a C. whoot. i mean. thats good. for someone who is average. but callie isnt average!!! SHES NOT AVERAGE!!! i refuse to conform to the levels of averageness. i will be strong. >< and not procrastinate on things.

not only that i start babysitting my sisters thursday for my summer job. im going to make a schdule and strictly follow it. that means. no TV for the little demons this summer. and my mom is so not going to ruin my organization. NO NO NO. since one twin is doing bad in school, im going to have her write in her journal each day. i feel like such a good big sister. <3 yay for me. i dont want my sisters to be losers. and fail and make bad grades. they must carry on the legacy of intelligence. yes yes yes. also, im making it a goal to be social as often as possible. i will try to go out and do things as much as i can, whenever an oppurtunity presents itself. callie isnt going to sit down and watch all her oppurtunities die and go away. thats no fun. i want a life. i want experience. i want things to be fun. i want to just LIVE for once. you know? ive spent so much time not living, and just, sort of existing. im fed up with it! i really really am. sadly,its taken me 15 years to reach that. haha. funny. i guess. sort of. hehe. also im not going to hold any grudges. life is too short to hate. WAY TOO SHORT. plus im really not good at hating. i seem to think i am. but im not. and when i go to my psychologist june 13th, im going to find out if i can get back on some medication. i think it would really help me. im so exhilerated. i hope i pull through with all these things. i want to have self control. i want to accomplish things like i used to when i was a kid. yay for callie.

well i gotta go. love you guys!! leave me comments and love. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8968250/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8968250/ Sun, 04 Jun 2006 11:57:21 PDT ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8932950/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8932950/ Wed, 31 May 2006 17:34:51 PDT
people pissed me off alot. i think that has something to do with me pmsing. but thats okay. right now my sisters are running around screaming like retards. argh. someone save me and feel pity for me. please. please please. *cries* my mom is being a total bitch too. i hate my family. i really do. for reasons so deep no one would never understand. at least. not in one post. its not like anyone would care anyways.

i have a bad feeling my step dad will probably come home drunk tonight. and if he does omfg. i will be so pissed. my ears are aching from my mom screaming. i hate that too. theres only a few days left of school. time goes by so fast. i want to cry. but whatever. exams are making me nervous. my geometry exam is friday. fun fun.

i thought i was going to teach myself japanese. not going to happen. haha. i will just have to take a japanese class in college or whatever. but i will learn one day. theres so much i want to learn and do. i hate living in such a small town,it makes my options so much more narrow.

im really really depressed about a few things. mostly guy issues. 3 guys. more or less. *cries* <<
oh. we watched like the closest thing to porn there is in spanish. i swear to god. it was like, these whores half naked dancing like strippers...it was crazy! my teacher had a hardon. i bet he jacks off in his planning period. that would def. explain why we NEVER do ANYTHING in that class.

laugh. you know you want to laugh at my unfortunate life. i really should write a novel. but im lazy. it would never be finished. like. ever. hah....

rawr. i really need a life. internet life isnt working for me. nooooo. sure aint. well im gonna go..for now..and like..post more stuff on here and roam the internet looking for more stuff to do. if anyone wants to entertain me, IM me...assuming that you have yahoo. lol....

<3 ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8923289/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8923289/ Tue, 30 May 2006 18:10:29 PDT <

then like. me and steven started talking again. and i feel the pain begining all over. i dont know why i let him do this shit to me. i get walked all over. all the time. then he makes it out like im the bad one, and hes the victim. when im the one who cries herself to sleep every night, who looks at him and wants to break down right there because it hurts to have to look into the eyes of someone you once loved so much.

i guess thats a good thing about internet relationships. you never have to look into those eyes. and feel the overwhelming hurt of someone looking at you as if you never existed to them.

then theres demorris. and omg...thats another story in itself. i mean. hes.....its so complicated. but when i text him he never answers,i know hes always working. but its still like. um wow. you could at least say something to me in the course of your day. i know he gets breaks. but i feel like im not important enough for a hello, but at the same time, he wants to have sex with me. i dont like that. at all. it pisses me off. but i havent said that to him because then he would get all pissed off.

i cant wait till summer.its going to be fun.......but at the same time not. amber still hasnt called me back and i called her sunday. im kinda upset about that, cause i know she got that voicemail. theres no way she couldnt have. *sigh* i hate all this. but oh well. its just people. not like im stuck in bum fuck north carolina forever like the rest of these hicks. i can get out..and be free...in less than 3 years. i still envy those who get to leave this year.....man im gonna miss my seniors. i love them so much......

yes. my life is entirely uneventful. i eat sleep wakeup drag through each day and repeat.



much love <3 ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8912402/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8912402/ Mon, 29 May 2006 14:33:00 PDT
then lately, my group of friends are actually getting along to some extent. i have to call a group meeting so that we can all talk and get everything straight. cause the truth is i really dont want to let go of my friends. i love them entirely too much to just say fuck it over some stupid shit.

then. i found some people to go to warped tour with me. kayleigh wants to go, which is good and bad. shes a little crazy. more than likely i will get dragged into a mosh pit and killed. then courtney wants to go, but we are sneaking her,so thats going to be annoying. but like all day me and courtney were talking about how we could make out for free alcohol. lmao. that would be so much fun. but courtney as shy as she is, she wants to go in a mosh pit too. i honestly think she will be killed and i will be killed.and we will just all die. but oh well. if im drunk and angry i can do some heavy damage. i just hope i dont get thrown in with some big scary people.

my geometry teacher was an asshole today. his racism was really kicking in, he makes me feel so dumb, im terrified to ask questions in there, even though hes funny as fucking hell.

spanish was fun, we watched dirty dancing, that was great. its now my favorite movie, it inspired me. dancing is an art, an art created with body movements.....i want to dance so bad. i wish i had coordination and shit. but all i can really do it move my hips....IM DAMN GOOD AT THAT. haha....no really.

world history, lame. i wrote poetry while we went over exam review shit. the teacher spazzed out on us too..she was like, flipping out. im like whoa, chill lady. then there was lunch, i cussed this bitch out for acting like she knows everything..some people left the table cause they didnt want to get invovled. and im like. omg. i was just telling the truth so fuck off. ><. back in class cameron mocked the teacher, that was fucking funny as hell. i was laughing my ass off.

then 4th period was pretty lame. PE is always lame though. not much to say about that.

then like. yeah. my social life is dying i need to rejuvinate it. and i also need a job. im only 15. but i need a fucking job. i want money. and im not getting it from my parents. ugh. me and my chaotic life. drama, screaming ,screaming screaming. its like a heavy metal song. god.

my new goal is to write in some online blog or my real journal every signal day. im practicing on drawing out all of inner creativity and emotions. i want to reveal things i havent noticed before. and by randomly typing or writing everything i feel, well. that will help a lot. and talking. deep conversations are nice. haha.....whew. my hands hurt now. i think im going to go take a shower or do homework. like i should be doing.......

wait. theres this tiny part of me that is sad. but i wont go there. its just guy drama. and its stupid. i dont know why it even matters. cause i prolly dont have any real meaning to him anyways. i thought i did. but i doubt it. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8862318/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8862318/ Wed, 24 May 2006 09:49:33 PDT
this one person has helped me keep my mind off things that i shouldnt be thinking about as much as i do. im so grateful for that. ive also decided that im going to take up reading, writing, and gaming, more than i do. i want to do more things. besides computer shit. lol....im such a nerd i know. this summer i hope i get to go out more and take pictures of lovely things. im looking for a model to add in. maybe my lovely friend courtney. XD cause shes so pretty. in a different way. not your average model pretty, but deep pretty. haha...if that makes any sense to anyone? i think im pretty too, just. not that pretty. ive been all nervous all week and stuff. this week is def. better than last week.

oh. and another this is, i cant get on myspace on here! that pisses me off beyond words. the only blog site i have access to is this one, and hopefully it doesnt get blocked. teachers and stuff are getting way to smart. WAY TO SMART. fuck teachers. haha. but no, i love my teachers, they are pretty rad. prolly cause im a teachers pet much? something like that. haha.......


erm. now there are people surrounding me..and asking stupid questions. and being stupid. i hate stupidness. i can only handle so much of it. ]]> ~xxbullettheoryxx http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8829235/ http://xxbullettheoryxx.deviantart.com/journal/8829235/ Sat, 20 May 2006 20:23:40 PDT ~xxbullettheoryxx