"the ache i feel inside
is where the life has left your eyes."


my world feels like it's falling apart. i had to put my bunny down today. he was my baby. it was the hardest thing i've probably ever done. nothing compares to the hurt and sorrow i feel right now. i wish he could have gotten better. i wish there was something i could have done. i wish i wish i wish. but no matter how much i cry, no matter how many tears soak my pillow, it doesn't take away the ache. it doesn't change the fact that he's gone. i pray he's happy and without pain now. <3

rest in peace my darling. you've filled my life with so much love and joy these past six years. i'll never forget the smell of your fur, or the expectant look you always gave me when i came to say good morning. you'll live forever in my heart.

<sup>MY GRANDMA GAVE ME A POT OF GOLD!








okay. so not literally, but it certainly feels that way to me. i've always adored photography, and have really wanted to get into it. but with our current cameras, it's nearly impossible to get a truly good picture. and then out of the blue, my grandma decides to give me one of her old Canons. it might not be an SLR, but damn, it's better than anything i've ever had before! i'm so excited to start playing around with it and just wetting my feet, so to speak. except that i have absolutely no clue what i'm doing, but everyone has to start somewhere, right? so, that's my news for the month. 8D


OH! also. go listen to safetysuit. awesome new band. they are amazing. so go. go now. playlist.com. treat your ears to something wonderful!</sup>

my heart melted, and is now a puddle on the floor.


i was outside playing with the dog today, and out of nowhere limps this adorable hound dog. after researching it, the closest guess i can come to is an english foxhound. anyway. he's limping, well, rather hopping on three legs, because there's a piece of rope tied around his back paw between all his toes and even bending some in unnatural ways. his skin is raw, chaffed, and in places bleeding. he's skittish at first, only coming near enough to sniff and attempt to play with my dog. i call him, try and coax him to sniff my outstretched hand. meanwhile, my poor dog is going into hysterics, so excited with the chance to play. so i put him inside, as he begins to scare the hound off with his overwhelming friendliness. upon return to the front yard, i now have a few little treats in hand, hoping that the smell and temptation of food will at least lure him close enough for me to read his tag. he seems to consider, but instead chooses to follow the sound coming from down the street. i stare hopelessly after him as he hobbles down the sidewalk, crosses the street, and investigates another yard. perhaps, i think, he'll come back if i bring my dog back out, after all, he did come over with the sole purpose of greeting him.

so i bring my wriggling puppy out, and watch expectantly for any sign of the hound's return. sure enough, he comes limping back. this time i crouch down with treats on an extended hand, hoping that this time he'll come. he steps closer, and closer still. inside i'm willing him to trust me, but outwardly i force myself to remain calm and keep encouraging with whispered coos. he takes a quick sniff, and backs quickly away, hardly enough time for me to even catch a glimpse of his shiny, swinging tag. so i instead toss a few his way, thinking maybe if he tastes them that he'll come for the ones in my hand. it's a no go. he lingers in the yard, exploring, watching, and yet for some reason, not leaving. eventually, i was able to coax him into the fenced in backyard, where he happily explores to the best of his three-legged ability until there's nothing left to sniff. then he seems to notice his predicament, and adopts a look of confusion and bewilderment. for a moment he stares at me, as if asking why i would cage him in like so. i want to explain that we only want to help him, but he wouldn't understand. before i can stop him, he's up and over the fence, a feat i didn't think possible with such an injured paw. i think all hope is lost now, surely he won't stick around with this person who locked him inside a fence. but no, still he lingers about the front yard, rope-bound paw still held high as to not even graze it on the ground.

now he's grown used to me, and my brothers which have been watching with interest and concern. we're able to touch him, give his head a few caresses, and even take a peek at that jingling tag. it has no name, no information other than our county, an expiration date, and a series of numbers. his owners have actually taken the trouble to go down and have him registered. at this point, i don't hold them in good regard, as i still can't bare the sight of his poor paw. i couldn't fathom how he would be able to tangle it, seeing as it wound between all his toes, was excruciatingly tight, and knotted firmly around his ankle. but what could we do? if it was animal cruelty, we wanted the authorities to at least see it for themselves. so i fastened him to our line, a 15 foot lead that is secured in the ground. he still has room to roam, but this time he won't be able to escape until things could be sorted out. calls were then made, but no rescue league or adoption agency would take him. we didn't have any other options but to call animal control. while i waited for them to come, i remained with him outside, petting him and talking aimlessly to pass the time. he continues to gaze at me with an expression that screamed "take care of me, please?". when it got too dark to see, and my growling stomach wouldn't let me stay out any longer, i went in to eat. i constantly watched him through the window, cringing as he began to shake and tremble.

animal control finally came, and i was so grateful that it was a man who seemed so genuinely concerned about the dog. he exclaimed that he had never seen anything like it before, referring to the bound paw. but the skittish hound wouldn't let men anywhere near him, instantly beginning to growl and bark, not in aggression, but merely in warning and fear. no fur stood on end, he only scampered as far away as the line would allow, watching us with apprehension. but he let me come near, and i slipped the leash around his head while my already soggy heart broke in two. if only there was a way for me to keep him, i would. i slowly encouraged him across the yard to the... ]]> ~xxkatie http://xxkatie.deviantart.com/journal/21848187/ http://xxkatie.deviantart.com/journal/21848187/ Sat, 06 Dec 2008 13:03:11 PST

i simply adore christmas. and not just the day, the food, nor the presents. though they are all good things, it's really the whole month of december that captures me. there's a certain sense of joy, at least for me, in this season, that fills my heart till it seems fit to overflow. those chilly, quiet nights sitting by the fire listening to christmas music wafting softly from somewhere in the house, in these moments i feel like life is good. and believe me, as of lately it's been a hard feeling to come by.

so in this season, i hope you all will find a quiet joy in life. i hope you all will stop and delight in those small blessings we often pass by. i hope you all take a moment to give, rather than get.

merry christmas and happy holidays.

]]> ~xxkatie http://xxkatie.deviantart.com/journal/20363993/ http://xxkatie.deviantart.com/journal/20363993/ Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:48:30 PDT

<sup>well, i said this in my previous journal, and i'll say it again. i'm so terribly sorry for all the people i'm watching, and have failed to comment on their work or journals. school and life have been terribly heavy these past weeks, but still it should be no excuse for neglecting you guys.

i will try my hardest to work through the deviations and messages i have, and though it may take quite a while, i'm willing to do it for you all. because each one of you deserves it.


<3 katie.</sup>

woooot! a much needed vacation is only four days away!

i'll probably be gone for roughly three weeks, maybe a bit longer. don't fret though, my ever faithful McFruity (laptop) shall be joining me. but i can't guarantee that i'll actually be able to find time to be on regularly, i won't forget about you all, and i can promise i'll pop in every now and then. heck, with the change in scenery, i might even be able to find some super mega skill for a picture or two. xP lawlz. anyway, that's that.


i actually did make something quite recently, but haven't put it up because i don't want any crap about stealing someone's idea. i can assure you i didn't, nor would i ever. but people these days seem to find great joy in hurting their fellow man. and lately i've dealt with enough hurt, so i don't need a second helping.


spread the love why don't you.

don't ever frown. because you never know who might be in love with your SMILE.

this made my day --> [link]

wow. omg. i could die happy today. i went to King's Fest yesterday, and had the most amazing time ever. roller coasters and great music. how much better could it get? the Dominator, the new coaster, was friggen amazing. [squeals] and then the bands. i got to see Hawk Nelson (<333333), David Crowder Band, and TobyMac (<3333333). you can hate me for being a Christian, but frankly m'dear, i don't give a damn. = P i think that line's from a movie, but i can't really remember. oh well.

anyway. i am soooooo tired today. and sore. and i have no voice. from all that walking, and jumping, and dancing, and screaming. but it was well worth it. i'd do it all over again if i had the chance. it was uber fun.


heyy! DA got a new look huh. it's very clean and snazzy, but it's going to take me some time to get used to, so if i owe you a reply, comment, thank you, or anything of the sort, patience please while i try to figure it all out.


let me just say, i know the most amazing guy. he's so different from his brother, for which i am extremely grateful. he's so nice and considerate, always always smiles and talks to me, and makes me feel so special. i can't be sad or upset when i'm around him. he's not my boyfriend, or anything of the sort. i don't do that stuff, nor do i want to right now. life's to complicated for me without that to worry about as well. but he's a special friend, and i am so glad is. <3


well, that's my ramblings for the day. now to go sleep and try to find my voice. xD

yes, i decided to jump on the bandwagon and do one of these picture quizzes i've seen floating around. except i don't have a subscription, so i can't do the snazzy little thumbnails. D8


1) Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into the dA search box
3) Take a deviation from the first page of results and post the thumbnail or a link to the image.

1. Your first name:
[link]


2. Your birth month:
[link]


3. Your birth year:
[link]


4. Your Zodiac sign:
dunno.


5. Your Chinese Zodiac sign:
dunno.


6. Eye colour:
[link]


7. City you were born in:
[link]


8. Place you live now:
[link]
a house? xD


9. Favourite Season:
[link]


10. Favourite colour:
[link]


11. Favourite food:
[link]


12. Favourite drink:
[link]


13. Favourite book:
[link]


14. Favourite flower:
[link]


15. Favourite singer:
[link]


16. Favourite movie:
[link]
technically that's three movies...


17. Favourite TV show:
i don't watch Tv enough to have a favorite


18. Favourite animal:
[link] or [link]
couldn't resist the puppy picture. <33


19. Favourite actor:
[link]
don't really have one, but ... <3


20. Favourite video game:
[link]
good ol' mario bros. xDD


21. Where you want to go on vacation:
[link]


22. Dream car:
[link]
cliche, but i don't care. ^^


23. The last food you ate:
[link]


24. The last drink you had:
[link]


25. The last movie you watched:
[link]


26. The last place you went on vacation:
[link]


27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex:
[link] and [link]


28. The hottest guy (or girl) on earth:
[link]
who cares if he's not a movie star or a singer. he's a baseball player, which owns all. so there. <33333


29. The next movie you want to watch:
[link]


30. Yuckiest food on earth:
[link]


31. Biggest phobia:
[link]
i could barely bring myself to type the word in, much less click on the picture. DDx

well, i had to get rid of my previous journal somehow, and making a new one, a much more sane one () seemed like the way to go.

i'm hopeful, eager, excited, and expectant for the days ahead. i've found a joy and happiness that is unexplainable, and i've never felt so comfortable in my own skin before. oh, i still have those niggling doubts running around in my head, but they no longer rule my every thought and action. for two days now, i have been happy, totally and completely happy. it's been so long since i have ever felt this way, and i don't want to go back.

i don't want the depression and sadness to claim me again. so i'm holding on, and looking for the sunshine in life. because no matter what, it's always there. you just have to look a little harder at times, but it's there.

i thought today was going to be horrible. i had this nagging feeling of dread and apprehension, especially regarding my social life. but, turns out i was fearful of nothing. it was such a lovely and happy day, i felt like i would burst. and to top it all off, i got a letter. yes, a letter. from someone so sweet and caring, thoughtful and nice. <333 it made me feel all warm and fuzzy once again. then my parents had to go and say i have an admirer. >_> for some reason i thought they'd be all like "^%!$@! why'd he do that?!" but they didn't. so it's all good!

ohdear. i sound like such a dork. but i've neverevereverever had anyone like me. and i just ate like, half a bag of twizzlers, and half a bag of marshmallows, and drank a can of coke. so SUGAR COMA HERE I COME! lawlz. i need sleep. but i can't go to sleep! i'm to hyper and happy to do sleep. so i just sit here and type nonsense in a DA journal, and will now have people wondering who the heck i am. WHO LET THE PHSYCO OUT?!

okay. seriously. i'm a very nice person. really. don't take anything written before this paragraph too seriously. just spread ze love.

wow. been a while since my last entry. but truthfully, i haven't had much to write about. life drags on, wether i want it to or not. i'm just along for the ride.

i'm working on a new manip! squee! i finally got my photoshop to cooperate again, after it randomly decided to kill half of itself. very odd. but, at least that little issue is resolved.

sometimes, i think i have a superpower. now, bear with me here, i'll explain. you know how lots (maybe not lots, but some?) of people think having a superpower would be cool? oh, let's see, how about being invisible? wouldn't it be great to just vanish and leave everyone wondering where you are? you could sneak around and no one would even no you were there. you'd be cool. or so you think. what if you had that amazing ability, but could never turn it off? you would be stuck being invisible forever. okaay. so things might not be so fin anymore.

back to my original thought, a lot of times i feel like i'm in that previous situation. i walk into a crowd of people, most of who i know, and feel completely and utterly invisible and alone. oh, sure, maybe a handful of kids offer a little smile, or a quick hello, but that's where it ends. what happened to me? i can walk around and be unseen. a few of those people i considered my friends. when its just us, we're chums. laughing, joking, sharing, talking. nothing's wrong. but stick them in a group with other people they know, and poof. i'm gone. a smile here and there and that's it. no effort to include me in conversation whatsoever. what happened?

i'm sorry for all those who read this. i don't want to burden you, or bore you. big cookies if you even read half of that. i guess it's just something i needed to get off my chest. a rant, if you will. i should be grateful. i should think positively and look at things from a different angle. i have two of the most wonderful people as my closest friends. a few really close, good friends is better than a room full of fake ones, right? still, it hurts sometimes. but i'm learning to be content where i am, no matter how hard it is. to have friends, you must be a friend. and i wouldn't trade those two girls for anything.

so, a peek into the inner katie. again, big hugs and cookies for any who read this. sometimes, things become a bit clearer and make more sense when i write them out. hey, not everyone can say they have a superpower, right? 8D so, enough with my rambling. hope you all are having a glorious spring. can't wait for summer, right? sunny days, pool days, and friend days, here i come!

katie.