http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:xxl&section=today deviantART RSS for by:xxl en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 07 Dec 2009 11:21:32 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/24154916/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/24154916/ Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:00:39 PDT in garbage; nobody can hear you scream.
transatlantic no-bodies taste rubber, and the side of my wrist

imprints, weakness. nice-to-know-you. finger my sore side

left umbrella, personal stare.
cancer friends, perfect strangers.

I left my soul in my other pants, which were stolen.

pecan gravy, with espresso beans.
I grew up in hell, or starbucks. Hitler, my barista.

I find this offensive. my sensibilities, rent sometimes.
bile takes a fever.

cold umbrella, shapely tent, painless toy music.

wet friend, shake your hair, whistle to my sympathy.
I could use someone like you, and then I would regret it.{no I couldn't, and yes I would...if I could. but I couldn't, can't, [wouldn't]}

sensibilities! another piercing hole. rent silk
with no lights on.

nobody can hear you, because you're too
damned
quiet.

{[OH!] my sensibilities, {{carry my umbrella. [pain for johnee's whispers.]}}}

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/17009950/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/17009950/ Fri, 22 Feb 2008 13:53:46 PST but to break, but to breathe, and not to find the rebel.

autofeedback on emancipation

to deliver or to not receive
a shock with a quiver, throw the dice
make yourself jump
to deceive

you'll slip on broken walkways, disassemble broken chairs
and fall down icy carriers, make your way up marble stairs

not a time to dissolute the readily-dissolved
but time to flow again and readily-assemble what just could not be
resolved again

broken flow and a wonder toward what-we-came-to-be-here
as I spin-in-a-chair, and
as I look-over-my-shoulder, and
as I go back to the air.

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/16444632/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/16444632/ Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:57:44 PST
this office.
taking 100mg gabapentin because I haven't had it today. I don't want it, I feel fine! writing this down in case i get

despondent and forgetful.

10:54 - Is reading about Koan meditation a form of Koan meditation in itself?
I'm going to have some tea. white tea w/ pomegranate. haven't had caffeine in a week or so.

10:56 - getting the tea ready and ' perpetual change ' starts to play in my head, as I'm thinking about how time spent thinking

seems always to feel better than busywork.
especially busywork at an elementary school...ei, ei, ei. tea is turning that hibiscus color. hooray! it will be tart, and

full of tasty antioxidants.

10:59 - tea is finished brewing. now it begins resting, if only for the sake of my very-burnable tongue. drinking tea is not

supposed to induce pain and profane language, so I'll let it cool
until I can drink it peacefully.

11:00 - tea time!

11:01 - that hurt a little bit! but not too much. this requires sipping! my mind ponders the words 'minimal thermal exchange'

11:02 - and now I'm brought back to my imagined or real dilemma. it is a dilemma, that just by being a dilemma IS a dilemma.

tea is nice,
but is it a sensory pleasure? my mind wanders to the debate of the struggle against all things temporal. is tea-drinking

sensual? I like the cognitive changes.
are those changes temporary? illusion? should a man be able to walk without crutches, even if he feels like he's got gimp

legs?

11:06 - I've still only had a few sips of tea. I wonder why I resist positive change, positive experience. perhaps it is that

I simply resist experience.
perhaps I make all too many misguided efforts toward realization, and like a fool wonder why my unchanging efforts do not

change me.

11:08 - My mind is getting a bit quicker. Just a little, but it's enough. I look around and I feel less pressure in my head.
I've got a cold, maybe the pressure is from that? arguably not! a fever makes your body sweat. what makes the mind sweat?

11:10 - I feel well! as usual, due to my efforts I cannot tell if this is from the sandwich I ate earlier, the reading I've

been doing, the gabapentin I just took, the tea that I am now drinking, or if I feel a sense of peace. is it biochemical

peace? or real peace? am I such a materialist that I cannot tell the difference?

11:13 - I keep forgetting that I'm not supposed to be editing this as I write. timestamps are there for a reason! I hit

myself over the head with a mental hammer, an imagined blow to an imagined ego, to maybe keep myself in check. a note of

caution about using imaginary blunt instruments to discipline yourself: be wary of imagined contentedness!

11:16 - a tiny bit of jitteriness. I almost just want to say 'jittering'. yeah. a tiny bit of jittering. I'd go back and

rewrite this part but I remembered I'm not supposed to be editing!

11:18 - *note: 11:18 was spent trying to decide what to write in 11:18.

11:23 - got off the phone, explaining to a teacher here that when a message comes up saying "run chkdsk /f on volume c:"
that you just need to hit start->run and type in 'chkdsk c: /f'
I feel helpful, and not as sarcastic as usual! though 'not as' and 'not at all' are different situations.

11:26 - my nose is running, and I'm jittery. how would I feel if I didn't know that word?

11:30 - looking back, I see I didn't explain what my dilemma is, only that there is a dilemma (perceived or otherwise). I

guess this will explain to some degree: drugs are a heavy issue to me. on that I ponder, 'is it MY heavy issue, or just a

heavy issue that I'm involved in such an issue, despite feeling the real or imagined 'heaviness' of it?' sometimes

drug use feels like a long drawn-out process of hopping from one lily-pad to another. it's all going fine until someone calls

you a frog.

11:35 - ' perpetual change ' is still playing in my head. now it's on a great guitar solo. hooray for music!

11:37 - come to think of it, I probably don't know as much about 'hardness' and 'softness' as would be philosophically

beneficial for me to know. seems I let my information-gathering method limit my capacity to gather information sometimes.

11:38 - *note: 11:38 was spent thinking about the film THX 1138, as it usually is.

11:40 - I'm done writing for now. this is quite a bit of... ]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/16049049/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/16049049/ Sat, 22 Dec 2007 19:43:32 PST and it's full of holiday cheer, and also heart-clogging cholesterol.

girl to the right, chewing gum
ignore the flirt, how obvious!

paper ticketeer, trying hard to arrest your good time
try harder, ticketeer, you won't be able to.

second-story soldiers, climbing up a cursed ladder
looking for the paper gold, and finding a dusty attic

birmingham remorse, and a bit of gravy soup with cumin?

toasted jam, only a bit congealed.
only for you, my tangerine queen.

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/15869971/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/15869971/ Sun, 09 Dec 2007 22:02:45 PST she's the girl you never wanted,
right at your own front door.

fibrous entanglement
on a small, leather-clad backseat.
she knows what to do here.

letter envelopment.
she has the taste to walk away,
and I have my sweet tooth.

under an umbrella,
in the driest part of your town,
she tries to hold a sneeze.

waking up from her sleep,
she can't remember how to yawn,
so she nods right back in.

now she waits and wonders.
now she watches her own paint peel.
now she lifts up her head.

here is where she wanders.
here is where she walks herself home.
here is where I have dreamed.

there is no escaping
the good change that rings in your ears.
there is not a reason.

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/15791946/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/15791946/ Tue, 04 Dec 2007 11:04:47 PST Those who cannot teach, learn.
Those who cannot learn, finance.

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/15433575/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/15433575/ Fri, 09 Nov 2007 11:53:17 PST
]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/15375711/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/15375711/ Mon, 05 Nov 2007 11:54:46 PST


]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14771553/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14771553/ Mon, 24 Sep 2007 12:00:03 PDT clap and clamor
can't remand to understand the ever-chatter,
clutter, clutter, cluttering away
into inhibition and a rather
rabid sort of cluster strings,
wrapped up,
reticent,
and hard to pull apart.



on the empty ending stretches of a flagrant false start

Admired by many,
admired by few.
Admired for its falsitude;
admired, for it's falsitude.
Admired for its emptiness;
admired, for it's emptiness.

taken by the splendor of life
in life itself,
one wonders if the splendor is indeed
for them, for their own
or for everybody
or for anybody
or for nobody
or if, indeed, the splendor even IS
{insomuch as one can understand, and experience, and not infer, and not control "splendor"

[insomuch as one can understand "understanding splendor"]}

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14771426/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14771426/ Mon, 24 Sep 2007 11:49:58 PDT "me no likey fluroescent lighty"

but seriously. SERIOUSLY. I mean...seriously.
gotta have something better to say than that.

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14573924/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14573924/ Mon, 10 Sep 2007 11:06:46 PDT
]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14500671/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14500671/ Wed, 05 Sep 2007 10:52:06 PDT
]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14211074/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/14211074/ Fri, 17 Aug 2007 12:26:40 PDT Who has strife? Who has complaints?
Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes?

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10658188/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10658188/ Wed, 08 Nov 2006 12:03:49 PST sweet.
tangy.
savory.
delectable.
yummy.
darned good.

Translation:
Orange
Flavored
Chicken.

A Panda
Express
original.

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10561155/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10561155/ Mon, 30 Oct 2006 15:40:39 PST you want no ice. Maybe you want your
top securely fastened, or maybe you
want to go topless. Hmmm?

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10286842/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10286842/ Sat, 07 Oct 2006 22:40:53 PDT YOU HEAR ME?


TOO MANY

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10270726/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10270726/ Tue, 03 Oct 2006 12:13:37 PDT
]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10269728/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10269728/ Tue, 03 Oct 2006 10:19:20 PDT
]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10195163/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10195163/ Tue, 26 Sep 2006 16:35:13 PDT cock salad masterplanner bold and bloated, overnoted, cored-out, hollow and deep.

mother-fucker salad dressing drip drip dripping on the floor, the floor, THE PAVEMENT.

classed salad masturbated locked and keyed and notched into the big bright yellow-lit wall-ball.

past salad, slippery and slick. moist and juicy just right for jane, the vegetarian.

asshole, combustible, finger-fucked, wife-battered, deep-fried salad,
FUCK YOU.

lettuce listen, walrus talk. we have lost the forest, but found the trees.
now, we've all got wood, but all I really wanted was a salad.

]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10180821/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/10180821/ Mon, 25 Sep 2006 09:31:00 PDT
]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9889610/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9889610/ Mon, 28 Aug 2006 20:35:43 PDT ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9751244/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9751244/ Wed, 16 Aug 2006 17:18:10 PDT holiday for the summer, if you squint just right.
lank around and gimp afoot, you get a suspicious look. pay it no attention.
i've got no attention, and no plans for change.
can you tell me where to find the weight room? I may have lost my roommate.

dilemma for you, just who does the quarter belong to when it's on public property?
dilemma for somebody else, am I gonna keep the baby?
dilemma for me, is there cheese in this?

three plans tanned, so that's right and good.
taken care of
anyway.

it's not quite too late to turn down the blue pill, but it's just so little and blue and I have work in the morning.

"copper tongue beam me up"

-

damn it
fuck

an empty day again
and I am a maniac
who does not suffer

hardly got a grin beside you
hardly got a wave into you
hardly got away from this close cold disaster
and it would've been so warm.

melted and yellow, dripping with the steel, at least I had a fire
even if I went out
with the smoke.

-

clean-torrential valentine, I'd like to drape you over a chair
and keep you where I want you, when and how you'd like to be.
gritting and grinning and slightly adrift, fabric somebody has a use for.
somebody, anybody, not me.

if clocks still ticked i'd be hearing them ticking,
it's the whirring and beeping that have me all twitching.
but I won't get too involved.

there's a spider full of malice and he's dancing around my dreams, flossing my teeth and plucking the strings that drum up the things that keep me malevolent. it's the sticky shit that keeps the volume down, while the gutter gets the entrails.

it's time for things to get going by longer,
your weak-wristed grip is losing all its sand.

all I have is malevolent shit to say today, today, as in this moment right now, at 9:59.
I could have told you all about something 25 minutes ago.
I really could have.
but at 10 I can't. ]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9652223/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9652223/ Tue, 08 Aug 2006 17:12:09 PDT coils hissing, skin ablaze, I have my pupils set to stare in wonder.
white and brown, you're back from town and I am in the machine.
the sisters, the brothers, they talk about it. whispers only, rumors and suppositions.
the great white light, the glowing red coil-demons. yes, they have seen it, and those that have survived it live renewed,
reborn, jellied, buttered, glorified! the rumors seem less significant; the room is getting warmer.
I see the coils.
the stories are true, the fantasy revealed, I am glowing in golden resplendence!
I am glowing,
I am glowing,
I am glowing,
I am glowing.



I AM GLOWING.

I AM TURNING BLACK
I AM TURNING BLACK
I AM TURNING BLACK
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
"shit!" I hear nearby, before suddenly the machine is grasped and flipped quickly upside-down, wrestling me free from the coil-demons' fire.
"what?" I hear another person.
"burnt the fucking toast again" ]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9581651/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9581651/ Wed, 02 Aug 2006 21:10:05 PDT ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9463207/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9463207/ Sat, 22 Jul 2006 22:54:23 PDT -
sky-killer walmart

chicken fried chicken
salad.

hot steamy date
with french dressing,
and american undressing.

tablecloth napkin
feed the shoveler
or he will choke.

lady in the martini glass,
reflected disposition,
distorted or I'm drunk.

hammer with a screwgun,
point your fumes in a different
direction.
don't chamber
the last round for
the night.

young and restless, need some
thorazine? I know a guy
who knows a guy.

deux
-
lettuce or a salad
my kingdom for a horse,
but I'll take ketchup if you've
got it on-hand.

letter-writing to a recipient
who doesn't know how to read.
what a waste of valuable wrist energy!

snapple!!!
lemon mango
salsa dancer, chip your tooth
on the pavement, if you're going down
anyway.

are you going down? why so blue?
are you choking on success? or steak?
tell me, man!

waiter there's a dead man in my
soup. well _I_ don't know,
I thought I ordered cornbread
anyway. just take care of it.
and don't expect a tip.

trois
-
twice baked promenade
delighting nouveau-riche
entrepeneurs with all the lovely
artificial life.

plants and pavement, discovery!
actually, subject to a thorough
investigation. don't breathe in
the cancer tapestry!

let yourself lose your hearing,
the judge was crooked anyway,
but the elevator music
was totally relaxing.

it's a bad idea to get syphilis.

I fell over, from all the ataxia
loosening my spine. lucky for my
hands, I didn't lose my balance book.

oh good, I have work
tomorrow. I was starting to
feel a little bit too OK.
now where did I put that
laundry soap? /sigh

quatre
-
die, vanilla-binding olfactory
bulb, bulb, bulb, bulb.

Creative

sometimes feels
like a poor excuse,
invented by poor-minded people.

well, I guess as long as
there is a slot, there is
a participant willing to be
pushed into it. sometimes
coercion is necessary, other
times you just need to
search the yellow pages.
it's easy to find the loosest
slots in town, they advertise!

I'm going to go watch star trek. ]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9181322/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/9181322/ Sun, 25 Jun 2006 17:50:22 PDT slip loose your grip
'fore it gets you wasted.


take me out from this old place.
if the time is right,
go for the silver
while the gold-runner
is distracted.

noodles.
just thought I'd bring that up.
you forgot about them, didn't you?
now you won't, for several
seconds, at least.

don't say I never tried to
make something
of myself.
that's for the lawyers
to decide? I'm not even
sure they have the right.

so wrong, it feels sometimes.
hard to even say, or remember.
actually, too fucking easy to
express and to remember, in
excruciating, perpetual detail.
[it kills]



but whatever doesn't kill you,
likely only leaves you weakened
and scared shitless, at least insofar
as it is admitted. but who does any of that these days?
"I admit, I ate two Big Macs. Lord have mercy on my flabby soul."

we are starting to find,
the dunce cap doesn't fit so
well anymore, and it mucks up
your stylish hair. we should
all just elevate ourselves and
pretend to understand the
ridiculous bullshit we belch
incessantly.
(realpolitik, yay!)

more bacon, please. ]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8575566/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8575566/ Mon, 24 Apr 2006 20:44:26 PDT For aeons he lay. Gathered. collected.
Poised, brooding, loathing. Feeling no pain.
He procured a mighty axe.
With a roar and might reserved
by most men
for vengeance and divine service,
He cleaved the world in two.
So much fear and anger; now, dust.
Reflecting upon his work, he grinned.
Proclaimed for all to hear, he yelled,
"I am the life-giver.
I reclaim what you have squandered
in vain self-servitude."
For a moment, he gave pause.
Had anyone heard him?
He lay his axe to rest. ]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8556233/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8556233/ Sat, 22 Apr 2006 23:51:51 PDT chew the fat,
render experience.

quoted often,
something creamy
dyes your hair another day.

i will listen
if you ask me
not to say i would.

it's really

just

a big


fucking game.

every second, every minute,
feed the flesh, rend the spirit,
tie the ribbon, cross the bow.
calculate objectivity, find me with the mammals.

the last place you looked,
was the place you stopped looking. ]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8423663/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8423663/ Mon, 10 Apr 2006 02:50:04 PDT ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8379654/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8379654/ Thu, 06 Apr 2006 00:28:46 PDT that's why i'm dressed in all this sorrow
i'm doing you in tomorrow
i'll burn before i mellow ]]> ~xxl http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8309239/ http://xxl.deviantart.com/journal/8309239/ Wed, 29 Mar 2006 21:20:07 PST ~xxl