http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:xxxMurphyxxx&section=today deviantART RSS for by:xxxMurphyxxx en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:23:22 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/21536095/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/21536095/ Mon, 17 Nov 2008 14:45:30 PST You push me away until I hate myself altogether then you ask me my ring size?
You take advantage of me then you tell me sex scares you, though we almost [[now never will]] go all the way?
Everyone loves you.
"He's such a sweet guy."
"They're perfect for eachother."
"He's so good to her."
It's all I can do not no scream, "shut the fuck up!"
Oh please, they don't know what they're talking about.
They don't see you whe it's just you and I.
They don't see what you do to me.
Not that anyone fuckin cares anyway.
I'll be stupidly honest, no one fully comprehends my personality.
I'd just rather people not so I'll purposly mis-explain myself.
So stop trying to be the one that "gets me" when I don't even want you in my life.
Wasn't it you that told me that if I was going to move then you weren't going to promise that we'd stay together because you didn't want to make a promise that you couldn't keep.
Then after less then a week of you saying that, why the hell would you think I'd want to marry you?
You've only torn my heart out a countless times without even trying. Or that's what you made it look like. You make everything about you by pretending to make it about everyone else.
You asked me if I'd say yes if you asked. I didn't know what to say so I said yes. What? I couldn't tear your world apart. Your heart seemed so set on it. I didn't want to hurt you the same way you've hurt me so... many.. times...
You know we're not meant to be together. I tried to tell you that last night but I can hardly handle my own devistations. Why make another heart suffer? A real smile hasn't crossed my face for over a year. I'm the biggest fake you'll ever know. If you haven't figured that out now then what makes you think that you'll be able to see it down the road.
I love you but this just can't work.
How do you expect to be with me when you can't see how I really feel.
I don't think you get it. I'm just waiting for you to screw up big just so I can break up with you. I'm sorry if you find that harsh but I'd rather be alone then be afraid of your reactionas 24-7. That's probably something else you don't see. Everytime I'm with you I'm in constent fear that you'll soon resent me for something or other. Case and point, when you and I hungout for the first time before we went out. I thought by the end of the day your intrests in me would be gone. My intent was to hangout with you, act retarded, then be on with my life because your couriousity wasn't intrigued anymore. But then you did something that threw me off big, you likeness for me increased. I didn't know how to handle that so I just went with the flow and turned into another stupid girl and fell for you... Hard.
Donnie, I love you more then anything but this isn't fun anymore. I'm always terrified and/or in pain when it comes to you. I'm going to hurt you now.

I want to break up... Forever.
[[Please Love Her]]

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/20177054/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/20177054/ Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:47:33 PDT

2. I really don't think I'm that pretty. I've been looking through a lot of pictures and there's really nothing to look at when they're not edited. Photoshop can make anyone look beautiful. I wish Photoshop worked in real life. I'd change everything about me. I also have a struggle with my weight. I know that sounds dumb but it's a very real problem to me. I can't go a month without crying because of it. I go on horrid diet, try to starve myself, or just almost completely OD on vitamins becuase they said "dietary suppliment." There was this one point in time where I could feel the pills tearing up my stomach and my gag reflex started acting up to get it out of my system but I made myself keep it down because I'd rather be tiny then healthy.


3. I feel like I'm falling away from God. I know all it takes is a chapter in the Bible a day and a normaly conversation with Him but my mind changes itself and says go do this instead. It feels like work just to pick up the Bible. And when I do all I'm thinking is, "I'm not going to learn anything today. I don't know where to go to get the answer for my current problem so why bother at all. I mean, it's either read something I already know or something that makes no sense whatsoever." I'll make the excuse before I even get out of bed. I hate it and I know it's hurting God but it's like I just don't care enough to get it. I hate it.


4. I don't have any me time anymore. I used to be able to do everything and then some with time always left over. Not anymore. I have work, school, church, friends, boyfriend, drama, bills, life. You always heard your parents and grandparents saying that you should enjoy life as a kid and not to grow up too quick. Live out your freedom and don't take it for granted. I'm now realizing what they meant about it. I hate it when I finally understand something but it's too late. And this is just the beggining of "life." I know it can be great if I make it out to be but it's going to feel like forever.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18916788/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18916788/ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 17:38:44 PDT

They say that "it could happen" to every person that comes into someone else's life. So, yes. They are right sometimes but at the sametime they were still wrong. They didn't "know." Their ego was just so far up their ass that they thought they knew.


But the worst part; when they meet someone knew and they're having crush trouble, that person is right there to tell them the wrong thing. The only reason why they listen is because they took credit for being "right" when two people that they knew got together. Even though they were wrong the other 99% of the time.


I'm currently in a relationship (with the most ahhmazing guy ever) and I'm going to be honest; I barely know what I'm doing. I'm far from the "relationship expert" level and that's fine with me. It just means I'm not a player, lolz. Either way, it's the point that I'm not pretending to be highly educated on something I've never dealt with.


I've read all the dating books out there and let me tell you; the books are nothing like the real thing. It's so much better. =] It's just mainly guidelings, which are great, but talking things through with your boyfriend/girlfriend is way better.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18875910/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18875910/ Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:56:19 PDT Secret #26 I randomly say your name out loud.
Secret #27 I think about naps a lot more now. =]
Secret #28 I love your fingers laced in mine.
Secret #29 When I feel your lips against mine my heart comes alive.
Secret #30 I'm still getting used to "us."
Secret #31 I wish I had met you sooner.
Secret #32 You're the only person I ever think about.
Secret #33 I wanted to say "I love you" sooner then I did.
Secret #34 I'm still really scared.
Secret #35 If this were to end I'd never love again.
Secret #36 We only have to part for a few seconds and I miss you.
Secret #37 I want to know what you think of me.
Secret #38 I should be doing work right now, lolz.
Secret #39 I'll lick my lips when I think about kissing you.
Secret #40 I've never felt so girly in my life.
Secret #41 I've never loved like this. [[Besides God]]
Secret #42 The fact that you want me makes me so happy I could cry.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18687480/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18687480/ Thu, 05 Jun 2008 20:53:52 PDT
[[Too bad you'll never see this]]






I love thee, I love but thee
With a love that shall not die
Till the sun grows cold
And the stars grow old.
~ by Willam Shakespeare ~

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18406355/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18406355/ Mon, 19 May 2008 20:24:38 PDT Secret #2. I need to hear I'm beautiful.
Secret #3. All I want is someone that will love me endlessly.
Secret #4. I'm scared.
Secret #5. I'd rather argue with you then kiss someone else.
Secret #6. I can't get enough of you.
Secret #7. I hope you stuble over this.
Secret #8. It's nice to have someone to hold because I've felt so alone.
Secret #9. Sometimes all I want to do is runaway.
Secret #10. Little things matter.
Secret #11. Some things you can't see with you eye, but with your heart.
Secret #12. I like it when you kiss my cheek.
Secret #13. People often ignore the ones who want us and crave the ones that don't.
Secret #14. I may say that I hate you, but I'd die without you.
Secret #15. I love that it's real.
Secret #16. Whenever I make a wish, it has something to do with you.
Secret #17. I'm slowly teaching myself to breath around you.
Secret #18. It's more then butterflies I feel when you're around.
Secret #19. I didn't ask to like you, I just did.
Secret #20. I want you to kiss me downtown, in the middle of the road, while it's pouring.
Secret #21. Happiness is the secret to all beauty.
Secret #22. It's not that I can't live without you. I just don't want to even try.
Secret #23. I make myself extra pretty when I know I'm going to see you.
Secret #24. I talked talked louder and laughed harder just so you'd look my way.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18153161/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/18153161/ Sat, 03 May 2008 18:03:57 PDT
So, i have to tell you something that's been on my mind-ish like alot. I don't want you to think that I'm like this with just anyone one, because I'm not. Actually I'm quite against it but lately I've been hating the way I set stanards for my life, and I may fall on my face but I just don't care anymore. Anyway, if it's not obviouse already, I really like you but don't think that the only reason I wanted to hang out with you is because of that reason. I mean, you're a really awesome friend to hang around, but yeah. To get to the point I'm deciding to make the first move that guys claim that's ohh so hard and if you don't want this to go anywhere then that's fine with me I'd just rather not go through life wondering what if or whatever. And I know that you're out of my league and all that jazz but holy crap you're ahhmazing. Ugh, I don't know. That's pretty much all I have to say but seriously don't treat me diffrent. I mean, I don't care what people think of me but I do care how they treat me. So, if you treat me any diffrent then I'll have to hurt you.... in a Christian way.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17739785/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17739785/ Mon, 07 Apr 2008 21:36:42 PDT I can't just watch anymore.
I can't pretend that I'm not into you.

I've tried lying to myself and the people around me.
It's not working!!
Every frickin time I see you my heart skips a beat.
I'm suprized I'm not dead yet.

You're awesome, okay?
I like you, and I know that a part of you
still likes me.

We prayed about it, yes.
But why would we get two diffrent answers?
I have to wait, I think.
Ohh, I don't even know anymore.
I like being single, but I want a relationship.

There I said it.
I want to be with someone.
I know it sounds weird coming from me
but can you blame me?
You're.... Wow.

I just want to cry because it's not happening.
Will it ever?
I hate this.
Just ask me!
I'll say yes in less then a heart beat.
But hurry I can only bare this
toture of nothing for a short time.

This isn't fun at all.
I wish everything was easier.
Scrapes as a child have never looked
more comforting.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17526256/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17526256/ Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:16:45 PDT I mean, if your having a bad day then I'll totally listen, but I don't have all the answers to your problems.
But if I do tell you how to deal with it and you don't do anything, then I don't want to hear it when everything goes wrong.
You were warned/told.
Plus, stop coming to me altogher if you just want to argue.
I'm tired of your shit and your frickin drama.
You don't like what I have to say then stop talking to me.
I'll be more then happy to ignore you right back.

Ohh, and another thing.
I'm not your last resort friend.
If you and one of your friends are fighting.
Don't call me up and hang out with me all the time,
then when you and your other friend are cool,
drop me like yesterdays news.
Believe it or not that's using someone.
I've had more then one person do that to
me and it pisses me right off.

I've come to the point where if it starts to
happen again I'm gonna call you out on
it and piss you the hell off.
Trust me I won't feel bad about it.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17292931/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17292931/ Tue, 11 Mar 2008 20:04:57 PDT
Better then acting like it doesn't matter.

The reaction of reacting is confusing.

Or is it the way I think that's confusing?

I'm lost at this point.

Should I continue to care?

It's not a choice if I do or not,
I just can't help it.

Ugh, I'm thinking too much.,
but it's my reaction.

You're my over-reaction.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17285242/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17285242/ Tue, 11 Mar 2008 11:46:00 PDT I can't stop listening to that song.
I mean, it's my favorite song and it's
the type of thing I'd listen to to fall asleep.
[[I can't sleep w/o music]]
But whenever I turn it on and off the lights
I can't go to sleep. It only reminds me of
him and that only keeps me away longer.

Ohh great, now I'm like all the other girls
in the world that write about the guy they like
all over the frickin internet.

Uhh... Head hurts.

I'm totally interested and on the brink of
liking but I won't let myself get to that point.

There was that point in time where I wasn't
into anyone. And I was all like, I don't want/need
a guy then God was all like, "Wanna bet?"

God why the heck would you give me feelings
for him if you're telling him that we're not supossed
to go out at all. Ugh, it never fails. Every time him and
I start to get close as friends again I fall for him.

I'm not kidding.
EVERY TIME!!!!

It's totally his fault.
He's such a charmer
and he's really nice
and he's on fire for God
and he's a cutie
and he's a musician
and...
Ahhh!!
Not again.

God why do I have feelings
for him everytime we're together.
I want to like him but then he bails on
me with this everytime.

Is there something in my life that I
have to work on before I'm ready
for something like this?

Maybe he's the one that needs to
work on something...

Lord I pray that whatever it is
you have planned that You
would work holy crap fast.

Like faster then tums on a sour stomach.

Okay. I think I'm done for now.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17273727/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17273727/ Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:37:42 PDT about a guy that you
can tell isn't
completely ready for
a relationship but still
wants one-ish.

I'm not going to hinder him
and I think that's one of the
thing that are going though
his head.

I'm not dissin him nor
am I mad. I'm mainly
disappointed that he
only waited two days
instead of the few weeks
like he said he to hear
Gods answer for what
we should do.

Just pray that will work
quickly with this. I'm
just so tired of guessing.

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17245218/ http://xxxMurphyxxx.deviantart.com/journal/17245218/ Sat, 08 Mar 2008 18:49:00 PST Hoping this isn't a dream like the one last night,
Pintching myself every five mintes,
Ohh it's finally real what I've been waiting for.

God I put it all in your hands for you know what's best
You've never let me down, never.
Even if we don't go out just the thought of it is beautiful
It has been awhile since I've had this feeling.

Better then the last, though I'm not comparing,
You're ahhmazing in every way and style,
Your heart for the Lord shines through your actions.
Evenything you do makes me what to know you more.

I'm probably getting my hopes up too high, I know.
I promise I'll work on that, I'll actually start now.
"I'd feel comfortable," were your very words,
Believe it or not I feel the exact same way.

These words will probably seem childish,
But then again can you blame me?
Going from wishes to dreams and now maybe reality,
Just proof that fairy tales can come true.

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself I think I'll stop.
Don't want too get excited just in case.
But I just want you to know...
I'm happy it's you.

[[God if this doesn't work out then that's okay, too.]]

]]> ~xxxMurphyxxx