http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:your-fantine&section=today deviantART RSS for by:your-fantine en-us Copyright 2010, deviantART.com Fri, 01 Jan 2010 09:20:06 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/11075931/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/11075931/ Fri, 15 Dec 2006 17:51:33 PST Damn it's been forever. Life's just been so crazy...well I guess that's no excuse...I watch myself decay every day and wonder why I'm here. What am I doing? I miss me...I miss me so much. When she asked me if I thought things would be wierd when you came back, I didn't realize, but reading your thing...well it seemed liek you might be yourself again...the self I used to know...and now I wonder where myself is...you know, the one you used to know...the one we both feel in love with...I dunno. I just dunno. I want you to know that that same girl is still here...I just haven't made tiem for her lately...I haven't written, I haven't played guitar, i haven't been around much lately...but this life is so overrated, and i need me to come back so I can get better....I'm in such bad condition right now...hopefully I can get back to normal by the 20th...um yeah. how crazy. well, I'm sur ethis doesn't make sense to anyone but inside my head....duh. ok.

]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/9247028/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/9247028/ Sun, 02 Jul 2006 00:03:06 PDT This is another exerpt from a letter I was writing someone...

"...I know...I know...sometimes I just get so frustrated with the way things are, and the way I feel stifled, and trapped, and like I can't just come out and be me...the person only a few people actually know. I feel like lately, I've been standing up for myself a little more, but I still feel like I get walked on, and that I am still trapped for two more years...and even after that...if things don't go as planned, and my parents end up helping me with college...then they have a say in my life still...they can still tell me that I am not being wise, and to forget my dreams to be in a position where I have material posessions...I mean, I know they just want my life to be better than theirs was, but what if I don't want to be like that? I appreciate it, I really do...but I'm the one who has to live with myself, and I just couldn't do it knowing that I've cheated myself out of my dreams, my life...
It's like this, in California, my family literally had nothing...we grew up in a terrible, terrible neighborhood where people got shot daily, and that's to say the least. There was all kinds of bad stuff. On top of that, my dad had a crap job, and my mom didn't work so that she could be with us...some Christmases, my parents bought us gifts from the Goodwill. But you know what? Going to a school where we learned absolutely nothing, living in the hood, and being totally strapped...all disappeared in the shadow of the happiness we shared. We were a family, and we had love to share...Now, since we moved here, everything's different. I may just have this glazed over view of the happiness there because I was so young that I missed out on the hard stuff, but it seems to me that there's been something missing in my family since I can remember. I look at others...and sometimes I see something really special...you know what I think was missing? The part where we were told to dream...and if my parents said that, it didn't feel like they meant it. Now, I dream, and my dreams build up inside...and I try to live them, but I never really quite get there...and so this is all building and building...and I end up a wreck, like now. I feel terrible, and yet every second of every day, my dreams and desires to fulfil them grow inside of me and make me miserable...I know this all sounds stupid...but I guess the point is that I am tortured by what's inside every day, and I'm lost as to what to do with it all...
See, I have this terrible secret...I think that in two years, I will leave, and try to run as far away as I can...pretending to never look back, hoping that they don't remember me. I don't want to hurt them, but I know that if I stay and tell them my secret, I will hurt them, and also if I go, and leave no trace and never see them again, it will hurt, too. Would they ever understand why I had to go? How could I hurt the people who have made me me, who have given me everything I am and have, who have loved me and cared for me and supported me, and...and...how could I do this to them? But I can't turn back now...I am bound...by choice, yet bound. Overdramatic enough yet?
I guess I just don't want to feel like this anymore...guilty, trapped, bitter, and angry. I don't want to sound selfish or like I'm not thankful, because that's not the case. I watch every day slip by, out of my grasp like grains of sand that I can't hold onto, but I don't know what to do. It hurts too bad to think about hurting them...and I don't know which would hurt worse, leaving them forever, or telling them what I really am...see this secret I've kept locked away...has been building and changing and evolving for years now...and it will change more until the day that it comes out of my mouth...but it has to do with telling people who I really am...that is bound to hurt, right? No matter how good I am or do, if there's one aspect about me or my life that they disagree with, I'm not good enough. Well, like I said before, I have to live with who I end up being, what I do, and what I make of my life...I have to do it how I want it, or I'll never be able to live with myself. That kills me that I have to hurt people in the process...I feel like in my life until now, I didn't know what I loved, but for a while, I have been figuring it out...and I know that I am not who they want me to be...I know that if I did exactly what they wanted me to do, I still wouldn't be the perfect fit, you know? I can't be perfect to them, but I can be perfect elsewhere, so shouldn't I at least try to make myself happy? I have such a beautiful future planned out for myself...I know it sounds selfish to think of myself. Could I ever be happy knowing I hurt someone to get there?..."

baby, the secret I speak of...you know it because you share it, but you have to understand that you are not the cause...it's my choice to be me...not a cookie cutter kid... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/9222018/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/9222018/ Thu, 29 Jun 2006 14:10:29 PDT This is an exerpt from a letter I was writing to someone, and I guess it's kind of what I wanted to say after reading your journal...

"...I don't want to be there in those halls alone again. It's so hard to explain...freshman year was so hard for me...life wasn't the same as it is now...and I...was unhappy. I had tons of friends and was solid....good grades...whatever...but none of that mattered...what made it all worthwhile was when I met my best friend. It was durning The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe...and we didn't really hit it off at first or anything like that...we were not the usual type...both of us had endured many hardships and had felt and thought very similarly about things...at first, she made me very uncomfortable...asking all kinds of questions that I didn't want to answer just yet...I wondered why she would care or what she would get out of knowing the answers, my life story, the poem that my words, thoughts, and feelings had become inside of my broken heart. We were timid and yet we got to know each other more and more each day...neither of us ate lunch...for our own reasons, so we walked together, through the halls, and talked for at least an hour each day. I soon realized that she was my reason to get out of bed in the morning...to actually want to go to school...to actually want to be alive...she gave me hope, made me feel loved, and although it was unthinkable yet, felt like my sister I never had. In no time at all, we were best friends and went everywhere together...we were attatched at the hip...unseperable. People envied our friendship because they could see it was something special...something they were lacking in their lives...yet they could only see a miniscule part of what was our friendship. This life...grew and grew into what it is now...very different from those early days. It is a good thing because we are more stable, more settled in our lives...both of us are on steadier ground...yet we both miss that initial time where we talked like we knew nothing about each other...the magic that was in those halls...the confident and timid comversations...I don't know where this letter is going...but I do know what I need to do about this feeling. I know we both miss those days...and although we cannot have them back...we have not lost what we had then. We will probably never have it like we did then...the way that it was...because we have grown together into different people...we have both changed a lot...whether or not it seems like it...but that doesn't mean that we can't have the same thing again...."

There's more...but the thing is that I just wanted you to know that I completely agree with what you said...I am hurt...you told me not to freak out, but I cannot help feeling like you are missing parts of this. I guess I'd have to go back a long way to be able to explain where I think this started. And I will do that, but first, I want you to know that I accept responsibility for everything...there has been so much recently that I have been thinking about...so many times my mind has doubted and trusted and believed and...such a jumble of things I have been in lately. I want you to understand all of it. What I think the problem is...is not necessarily with touch taking importance over talking...but with our (possibly only my) growing too bold. It is true...there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you...but being too bold is a problem for me. Let me explain...I believe that a while ago...I started to get bitter about the way I felt I was being treated unfairly by everyone...perhaps that is a feeling that was falsely assumed, but I felt it, and I believe I became bitter. I felt like everyone was overlooking me, what I do for them, how much I contribute to their lives every day, and what I feel like inside about these things. (etc). So I don't mean to insinuate that you didn't realize how much I did for you...because I think you do...or at least lots of it...and I also realize what you do for me, whether or not you think I do. But I think that my bitterness clouded my vision about how you were different from the rest. Although my mind continued to know that you were not like everyone else to me, my heart, growing bitter about this, evaded my mind and made me more outspoken about things, too bold, as I said before. Since I met you, I made up my mind to change who I had been known as...to change certain aspects of myself...and my reputation...to be who I wanted, to be who I wanted to be for you. I would be less outspoken, more patient, more gentle, etc. And I did well at first...in my mind, I continued to do this, but in hindsight, as I realize about my heart evading my mind, I was not who I wanted to be for you...who I really am. I don't want to be bitter anymore because I feel this bitterness has caused bitterness in other areas, that has poisoned parts of me...parts of our friendship...parts of us...like I said before, I acce... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/9092362/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/9092362/ Sat, 17 Jun 2006 00:47:41 PDT I have a song for you.

Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

I love you... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/8702935/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/8702935/ Sun, 07 May 2006 16:59:37 PDT It's been so long. Where do I begin? With the overwhelming feeling of compunction and sorrow in my heart, of loneliness, epochs of complaint, or telling of the excitement that gripped at my body today? Eating lunch at the kitchen table, looking out the sliding window, I heard a huge roll of roaring thunder. Then seconds later, another crashed down upon a seemingly fragile earth, followed by a downpour. I remembered in an instant my love for rain, the way I used to go out in it every chance I got and just stand, letting each drop hit me and roll down my skin until my eyeliner ran down my cheeks and my clothes stuck to my body. I remembered the peace and at the same time, the enthralling excitement. I remembered the way rain feels over my face and the overjoyed lightness that settles over my body lifting the burden of sorrow. I didn’t get to feel it on me today, but the memory suffices for now. I hope it rains again soon…next time we’re together, and we can get a load off together. I love you. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7952933/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7952933/ Mon, 20 Feb 2006 13:01:29 PST I am so sad. I have only been away from you for two days, but I am so lonely. I don't know what to do with myself...I feel so out of place when I am not in your arms. I am sure you are having lots of fun right now, kicking Trevor's butt.... But I'm lonely...and I'm scared of what happens when you go for a long time...I miss you. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7948236/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7948236/ Sun, 19 Feb 2006 23:23:03 PST I have been sitting here for hours...thinking of you. I can't help but wonder if you do the same...are you this obsessed with me? Is it even called obsession at this point? God, I've been away from you for about 12 hours...and it's killing me. I can't stand to be away from you...How will I survive for two years? How will I remain assured that you are only or still mine? I am so scared...so lost...I don't want you to go...and at the same time, I just want to take you and leave now. I am so impatient to start our forever...it's going to be so beautiful...god, I hope you never change your mind...I need you so much...forever. I love you...hope you do, too. I hope you're having fun at whoevers' house and lazertagging tomorrow...I miss you...it's gonna kill to roll over to an empty bed if I ever do get to sleep...I can't wait much longer...I need you...I love you. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7897635/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7897635/ Tue, 14 Feb 2006 16:07:13 PST Well, I have been working hard to write you something special and meaningful and riginal for Vday, but I had a lot of other stuff that popped up, and I didn't end up with anything good. However, there is this song that I have been wanting to share with you for quite a while now, and today, I let you hear it. I want you to read it now though because it's so true...so here goes. Hope for some new posts because I am so sick of this deadness...

I love the way you stand in my way
You won't move 'til you get a kiss
And how you tell me that my name
Tastes so sweet on your lips
I love the way you hold me with your eyes
Hold me so tight that I can't move
It's like everything I've ever known is a lie
And you're the simple truth
Is it a dream
Or is it real
All I know is
You make me feel so
Beautiful (beautiful, beautiful)
Beautiful (beautiful, beautiful)
Beautiful (beautiful, beautiful)
You make me feel so
Beautiful (feel like I could fly)
Beautiful (across the clear blue sky)
Beautiful (baby I could cry)
You make me feel so
Beautiful
I love how soft you touch my skin
Like you're touching the wings of a butterfly
I wish we could just lock ourselves away in a room
Where there was no such thing as time
I've never let anyone get this close
I've always been afraid
But you break down every wall and yet I feel so safe
Every part of who I am
Is so in love cause what I have is
Beautiful (beautiful, beautiful)
Beautiful (beautiful, beautiful)
Beautiful (beautiful, beautiful)
You make me feel so
Beautiful (feel like I could fly)
Beautiful (across the clear blue sky)
Beautiful (baby I could cry)
You make me feel so
Beautiful
Beautiful (beautiful, beautiful)
Beautiful (beautiful, beautiful)
Beautiful (beautiful, beautiful)
You make me feel so
Beautiful (feel like I could fly)
Beautiful (across the clear blue sky)
Beautiful (baby I could cry)
You make me feel so
Beautiful

Well that's it and I love you...forever...more than I can say or keep inside...I hope you hold true to your promise and stick with me...I love you. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7674501/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7674501/ Sun, 22 Jan 2006 09:52:23 PST This is a song I found a couple years ago, but I just recently found it again...you know that night we watched City of Angels with all the blankets...yeah, that's when I found it (still inside of me)...so here it is...it's all for you.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

I love you forever, darling. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7674379/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7674379/ Sun, 22 Jan 2006 09:35:55 PST Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colours on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds and violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colours changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artists' loving hand

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They're not listening still
Perhaps they never will...


Isn't this just a kick ass song? well I think so, and it reminds me of my poem, Here's To Life. Anyhow, enjoy. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7622497/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7622497/ Mon, 16 Jan 2006 16:32:50 PST Perhaps I have made my father sound worse than he is, perhaps not. I guess that is up to you to decide...but now, I have grown weary of his hurtfulness and it no longer affects me the same way. His words no longer sting to me or draw tears from the deep, dark corners of my sensitivity. Perhaps my sensitivity has grown insensitive to him. Yet I am still such a sensitive soul. His words no longer hurt the same way, they only push me farther from him to seclusion from this family. Perhaps he is part of the reason why they are so scared I will turn away from teh family liek Kelsey did... perhaps I already have, and perhaps he is the reason. Perhaps his words mean nothing now; perhaps his actions don't scare me anymore; perhaps the threats are empty; and perhaps the silence that once hurt worst of all is now dull and apathetic. Perhaps I am just tired of it, and perhaps I won't take it anymore. I know he doesn't understand me and how I work and what hurts me and all those little things, and that he doesn't have a right to treat me this way or say things like he does, but I don't want him to try to understand me or anything either. I just want to get through the next two years as gracefully as possible and with as little involvement in anybody but myself and my Angel as possible. I don't want to let myself get distracted. I want to do my best at school so I can go somewhere with life. I want to continue work at running and drama and music, all those things which I won't let go of once out of high school. But most of all, I want to make sure I keep up with my Angel and her needs. I refuse to let go of the one thing that's ever mattered to me and the only thing that ever will matter. So please Angel, don't let go of me either? I am so scared that when I am not there to remind you of my love, you will change your mind about whether or not you want it. I am so scared that you'll find someone who you think might fit you...but the truth is: I am the only one. I am perfect for you and you are perfect for me. Please remain strong for me and stay focused likewise so that nothing unworthy of you will distract you from your dreams and your future. I know that it gets hard...family life, school stuff, etc., but it will be worth it in two years when you are able to be free and live and let live and make your own choices, and you won't have to hide. These tow years will fly. But I beg of you, please don't lose sight of anything, especially not me. I am scared and in need of some assurance. I am sorry. I must seem so needy, but really, I just...I need you...please tell me...in some way...please?!? ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7547542/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7547542/ Sun, 08 Jan 2006 18:05:46 PST Mood: Scared, too.
Listening to: Schism-TOOL

Dear Angel,
I know it’s not just one simple thing. I know it’s everything all at once. I understand that it’s really hard, and I’m trying to understand why everything is the way it is…I understand, and I care.
Sometimes it’s so hard to not just blow up at your family…obviously they don’t understand or care or want to, and I think that’s ridiculous. But what can I do. And as much as I do not try to justify them, for they are wrong in doing this, and as much as I am angry that they treat you the way they do and that they don’t try to understand or care…it…is hard for them as well. I mean, moving is not something easy whether you want to or not. Even for your parents, it is hard. For your mom, it’s difficult to let go of the stuff. For your dad, I’m sure it’s hard to let go of things too. Perhaps your brothers don’t realize that it is drawing near to the end that they never expected. I mean, you guys all thought you’d be here forever…this is your home. Nobody thought you were going to up and leave. I bet that your brothers all carry loads of regret now just realizing that they only have so long to try to make the wrongs right. The way they treated you, the way they neglected you, or didn’t tell you they loved you…all those things in your life that make you…all those things, they share with you…and maybe they never thought about there being a time when you wouldn’t be right there with them. Do you get what I’m lamely trying to get at? It’s hard in a way for all of you…And although that doesn’t justify the way that things are and will be for the next few months, it’s the bare truth of the situation. Your mom hurts too. Your dad…your brothers…and you. We all hurt about this. And nothing I say is going to make the situation right, but I want you to know that although they are wrong, you are the better person, so try to be gracious, even when they don’t nearly deserve it.
God, I don’t know what I’m saying…I guess it’s just that you…well…it might make it a little easier for the next while if…God, I don’t know. I’m trying so hard…just to make this even a little bit better for you. But I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I guess I just wanted you to know that I understand and I care…and no matter how bad it gets, I’m here. Always.
I try to understand your mother, and it only works sometimes…times like sending you to your room for being angry…well, I don’t get that. Although I know you couldn’t and wouldn’t say those things to her, I almost think it would do her some good…and I know she’s said worse to you before. It’s not right what’s happening, but I know that neither you nor I can change it at this point. Unless your grandpa dies like tomorrow, you guys aren’t going to stay. And as much as it hurts to even accept that as fact, I have to in order to move on to another day…in order to be able to enjoy these next few months with you. And my hope will keep me going for those two years separate from you. Hope for a reunion, hope for a better day, hope to take you away, like I promised I would someday…hope. It’s not an easy thing. I hope, though. I know it sounds corny, but I believe in you I believe that you will be strong. I believe that you will do your best. I believe that you will continue to take pride in yourself and your accomplishments. I believe in you. Moreover, I need you to be strong. I need to be assured by the time when I have to say goodbye for a while, that you will be okay…that you will be waiting for me, that I will still be at least part of your reason, that you will get up every day and think of me, that I will not be forgotten or faded away, that your love for me will never change. I need to know because I am so scared, and it’s hard to be strong when I am this scared.
I wish I could take all your hurt away now, but I think that you know the importance of waiting a few more years. These two years will breeze right by us both. I beg you to remain focused on the important things…school, etc. I beg you not to let drama get to you. I beg you to guard yourself from hurt when I can’t be close to take it away. I beg you to be loyal to me. I beg you to love me. I beg of you this.
I know it’s hard. I know. I wish I could make it easy. But it doesn’t seem that anything I do would make it easy on you…this is a very hard situation. But no matter what, I’ll be here to help, to listen, to be with you, to hold your hand, to understand, to care, to be yours, to make it better if I can, to be your angel…always. I know you are tired. So am I. If I could, I would take you away today to that place that we both want. I’m so sorry, baby. I will do everything and anything that I can. But you mustn’t lose yourself in this battle. You must remain strong, for yourself and for... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7535898/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7535898/ Sat, 07 Jan 2006 13:26:48 PST Mood: Desperate to help.
Listening to: Sometimes I Dream-GEOZAREEE

Dear Angel,
I sat there on the floor, too weak to make it to my bed, tears streaming down my face for you. I had so much to say, but I was so scared. I felt like I couldn’t help you even with as much as I wanted to. I wanted to hold you in my arms and kiss you. I wanted to tell you it’d be okay, but it sounded so cliché. I wanted to tell you that you really hadn’t messed anything up. I wanted to tell you that I understood that you were tense. I wanted to tell you so much, but I felt so useless. I know I’m not, though. You have told me that, so now I will try one more time to tell you what I need to say.
I know it seems as if every little thing in life centers around the fact that you’re going to be gone soon. And to your parents, it’s much different than it is to you. But honestly, it doesn’t have to be like that for you…your life would not center around this move if it were up to you. I know that. I know that you’d live every day as if it’d be the last, leaving nothing un-said., no hurt or hard feelings between the people you love and care for and yourself, no place un-visited, nothing bitter, but everything sweet. That sweet person you are is not gone, not nearly. Baby, it may sound cliché, but stress does things like this. And I know you will view that as a lousy excuse, so don’t let it be one. Be the sweet girl you miss. Make these last few months full and rich and happy, so that when the time comes, you will have no regrets. It will not make leaving easy, but you will be on good terms with those who must stay. Your friends hurt with you about this. None of us want you to leave. It will be such a hard time without you for all of us. But I refuse to let my life for the next six months or less center around sadness or pain. I know it’s hard for you…especially when everyone keeps bringing up a bitter reality…but think about it. You have six whole months to live here with us…how do you want those to go? I know you want better than we’ve had…and it’s been hard, but I am here with outstretched hand to help you. It couldn’t possibly be harder for anyone but you and me to deal with this. Being taken from a best friend is hard…but you and I know the strength of our love and our friendship and that even time couldn’t break this bond. Do not become discouraged. I am still here with you. I don’t think you are being a bad person or messing up. I am not ashamed to say that every day, even the hard ones like Thursday and Friday, I fall more in love with you…and even when you live across the country, nothing will change about my love. Do not doubt me. Trust me and my strength. I can be the strongest person alive, and I will help you, I will always be here for you, I will always be the one you can come to, I will always hold you and kiss you and love you. Always. That is my promise to you…ALWAYS.
If you do not like how you have been, change it. Be who you want to be…not just for the next few months, but for life. Be you. Those who disapprove can just leave, but I love who you are…and I know I am not alone. Times are really hard right now…people are getting really stressed, but like you used to tell me…take it one step at a time, and I will be right here with you taking the same steps. You have dreams, you have plans, you have loves…don’t ever lose sight of these because of the pressure of life. I’m sorry if this doesn’t help you…I want to so bad. I love you so much…SO, SO much. Please never forget that. And know that I am always here…my greatest desire is to be always here for you, always helping you, always loving you, always holding you, always. I will always love you, more than words offer me.

]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7519704/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7519704/ Thu, 05 Jan 2006 17:15:55 PST Mood: Lost
Listening to: Forever-AS I LAY DYING

Dear Angel,
I tried to write you last night. I tried to write you because I miss you so much. I tried to write you to explain to you my thoughts...I hope you still want to know. I am so lost. Where do things like this come from. One day I'm doing fine...and the next day, I'm overwhelmed by doubt and fear and shame and insecurity and everything else I have just been learning to drop. It feels like being sick...only not a physical sickness...one of a supressed soul. I'm SO tired of being here. I'm trapped. I refuse to let go of the one love of my life in order to kiss ass because no matter how much I kiss ass, I will never be good enough. Besides, nothing could make me let go of you. I wonder...how am I going to survive two and a half more years...I beg the stars and the sun and the moon and the sky and the water and the wind and everything just to get away for a second. I beg for a second with you where I can breathe and not have to hide or anything. I do not have to be ashamed...I do not have to hear the stupid lectures or harsh words telling me I will never be anything...never be good enough...never do anything right. I'm tired of feeling silent beatings. I am tired of stepping on eggshells for no apparent reason. I am tired of being a doormat to the most perfect two people on the face of the planet. But you know what? I'm tired, and I refuse to kiss ass the same way anymore. I refuse to be a doormat to people I don't think are perfect. I'm tired. I refuse to just lay down in submission anymore. I am not a ragdoll, and I refuse to be treated like one. I am not worthless, and I'm tired of feeling like I am. I am not ugly or fat, and I'm tired of being told that I am. I am not going to be a nobody forever. I am tired of them shattering my dreams on the floor and telling me that I'd neverbe anything. I'm so tired. Perhaps my life really is perfect, and I am just a dilusional waste of skin and air...but I refuse to believe that anymore. No, they don't ask much of me...simple expectations, but I never gave them a hard life either. I am not a bad kid. I do all my chores, I don't complain, I have okay grades, I am not way fat, I'm not a horrible disgrace, nor do I ever talk back or disrespect. It isn't theirs to say anymore. I am fed up, and I will not take this bullshit up the ass anymore. Emotionally, I am shattered...a wreck. Physically, I will never be as good as my mom. Intellectually, I will never compare to my sister orr my mom. Yet, I can't even follow a bad example and get kicked out of the house. I've tried. I'VE TRIED! I am fed up with myself now too because now my expectations for myself are set higher than I actually desire to achieve. I think I can do anyhting that I want to, but I don't care about these things anymore. I don't care about my stupid childhood. I don't care about California. I don't care about my education. I don't care about being a little sprinter. I don't care about pleasing them anymore. It's never going to happen, and day after day, I will dissapoint myself. I am becoming discouraged. Today, I hardly said 20 words to anyone. I just hurt so bad. Perhaps I am only over-reacting. I am angry at myself that you got in trouble, whether it was my fault or not. I am angry that I don't seem to be doing much right lately. I am angry that I can't let out the beauty inside of me. I am angry that I cannot ever please my family. I am angry that I cannot love you openly the way that I do. I am angry. I am exhausted. I love you. As I write this, tears beg me to let them fall...but I cannot cry...I would if I could. Maybe it would feel good...let out some of the pressure...but I can't. I just feel so silently, calmly, angry. I feel as if I could just let the knife slip. I feel as if I could just fall. I feel as if I am made out to be an act. I feel as if everything that I have put away...not the big things, but the little things...are coming back to mind. This place reminds me. This place shackles me. This place crushes me. This place...this place. What the hell am I talking about? I don't even remember what it feels like to be angry because I hvae not et myself feel it for so long. I could go and murder all the people I have wanted to tonight and never think twice about doing it. Is that anger? I could be so quiet, so reserved, so cruel, and cry for myself for being that way. Is that anger? I can't remember. It has been so long since my anger has wanted action rather than just thinking. Could this possibly be a good thing?
I wrote this to give you just a hint of the organized mayhem going on in my thoughts right now...you wanted to know what was wrong, and I couldn't tell you...because I guess I'm not sure. No, these occurrances are not just everyday things for... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7427657/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7427657/ Tue, 27 Dec 2005 00:57:38 PST Well, here I am again, trying desperately to find words to say something...I don't even know what I want to say. I guess I'm sorry. I waited all day to hear just a few words from you and be at peace. But then, because I've become so worn thin, I started to get a little tired and you got mad. You said it wasn't mad at me, that it was mad cuz you're life is stupid and you want it to end...but you have to understnad how hard it is to read those words? I am so in love with you...and I can't bear to even consider that you won't stick around for me. You promised me and I'm trying notto worry anymore. It becomes hard not to at times like these. I just wish there was something I could do to make you realize my love for you...to make you feel as perfect as you really are...to make you know that life, despite it's stupidity is worth it...to teach you the things you taught me. Did I ever tell you that you've saved my life? Did I ever tell you that I found religion when I found you? Did I ever say that you're the most stunning, perfect, gorgeous, girl I've ever seen in my life? And did I ever tell you that I love your soul too? Did I ever tell you that I love to lay in your arms? Did I tell you that I love your heartbeat, and that it matches mine? Did I ever mention that I am so in love that nothing could tear me from you? Did I ever tell you that I am yours forever? Did I ever say I'm sorry because I'm notperfect and I seem to screw up a lot? Did I ever tell you? I love you. I am sorry because it seems like yet again, I have screwed up, unintentionally, just trying to find my sanity....begging to depend on you...do you want me to? Please just tell me straight. I'm sorry for always dragging you down, for complaining all the time, for not being the best I could be for you sometimes, for not telling you the things that are really important enough, for every time I hurt you, for every time I said soemthing wrong, for every time I forgot to tell you I love you, or was too scared, for all the times I fucked up. You asked why we bother if we always fight...and I don't agree at all...one of the very few things we disagree on at all. I don't think we fight a lot...and I think that it's worth it even if we did. I love you so much that anything in the world is worth it. And I wonder if it happened because you and I are both tired and I'm sick and I pissed you off...and you saw that movie that really got to you...given the circumstances, I think it's pretty well explained, but if that's not all that's behind this, then I need to know. I'm sorry for hurting you, or for making you mad, or for making your night more difficult. I'm sorry about the disturbing images and the cold feeling you have...I'm sorry that my hoodie doesn't help...I'm sorry that I can't be there to rock you to sleep and hold you so you get good rest (if you'd want me to) and I'm sorry that I can't kiss you goodmorning...but if you still want it, I promised you forever...and I won't break that promise...I'd die first...because without you, and am nothing...without you...I would die of a broken heart...without you...please don't make me find out. I'm sorry for everything, although you insist that I've done nothing...I'm sorry. I love you...forever...I hope you do too... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7418978/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7418978/ Mon, 26 Dec 2005 00:15:30 PST Please hear me out...I need you. I need to talk to you...I need to be close to you...I need to feel your warmth because I know it's still there...please...listen to me...I need you to be okay...I NEED YOU! I'm sorry I fucked up...please..just listen to me...I need you...all of you...I can't seem to say it enough right now... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7360101/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7360101/ Tue, 20 Dec 2005 02:35:14 PST Besides one tiny little aspect of today, the part where I got to se you...it was horrible. I felt like a burden to have to get dumped on you at your house...and Danica and the rest of the family blamed me for it...how dumb. It was her fucking deal anyhow...I was just dragged along...hmmm. I'm so so sorry. And then on top of that, I made you really mad and sick...I really didn't mean to. I feel like I fucked up everything...but you told me it's not my fault...I'm trying to listen to you. Please just don't be mad at me or anyone else...I'm sorry for what I've done...please just get better...for me. I love you so much...forever...I'm sorry... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7341601/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7341601/ Sun, 18 Dec 2005 00:52:07 PST Thank you, because you made me feel better for a while...but then while you were away, I started thinking again...and read some old stuff of yours...well, to say the least, I am sad again...I am drowning in the regrets now...tears fall to my fingers as they write a pitiful apology. I am begging for someone to tell me it's not so...it can't be real...I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH! Show me more, pour out your soul for me...I need to see...I need to know every little detail and feel it inside myself. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I can't stand it...how the hell could I be so.... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7341003/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7341003/ Sat, 17 Dec 2005 22:42:42 PST Every day, I realize more and more how in love I am...and it furthers it when you say things like..."darling... I'm gonna marry you and wake up every morning next to you for the rest of your life. And I'm gonna cook with you by my side, and slip my arms around you from behind just because I like to hold you. And I'm gonna love you forever, and kiss you forever, and talk to you forever..... and every day I'll say "I love you, beautiful."" And although I never seem to have quite the right words to say, or ones with quite enough magic, I hope they still mean something to you...I love you...so much. There's no doubt in my mind that I will want you only forever. I'm forever yours. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7310888/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7310888/ Wed, 14 Dec 2005 15:20:51 PST Such consanguinity could never be forgotten or forsaken. Yet inclement separation should rip apart, bit by bit, my heart until the only thing that keeps it beating is the hope for your forever to be mine. I ache with longing. Eternity seems so distant, yet time races by too fast for our comfort. We must spend every last second before it fades away into the memory of you, the memory that will keep me going for two more years…hope and remembrance. So I will prevail. I will not let you turn away from me. I will not let the distance, the separation pull you from me…and not a single soul shall be given the opportunity to feel the love you have let me feel. Perhaps, this is my chance to finally be selfish with you. You told me you wanted me to, and I do, too. Two years is a harsh eternity, yet not too long that I have lost faith or trust or hope or love. I still feel the same. And each day it grows so much stronger. I refuse. I refuse to let you go, let you walk away from me forever. My life is new because of you, and I will not give up everything just because of two years. No, no, my love, I refuse to let the plans of our perfect future slip away from between our clasped hands. I will not let go. I will fear with everything I am. I will beg and hope and pray just for constancy. I beg of you not to leave me. I beg of you, don’t let all the insubstantial shit get to you…let me have you. Let me have all of you forever. Be mine. I will take you far, far away, to a better place, where we can live and let live. We can… ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7224568/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7224568/ Sun, 04 Dec 2005 21:49:00 PST What have I done? What could I have possibly done to make you say that? Did you mean for it to hurt me as it did? Or am I being overly-sensitive? Do I often tell you no? Do I tell you that you can't? Do I hinder you? Do I say you aren't allowed? Do I tell you that you're incapable? Do I stifle you? Do I squash your dreams? Do I tell you not to reach for dreams? Do I tell you not to want? Do I tell you not to dream? Do I tell you not to achieve? Do I make you feel guilty? Do I say that you can't have what I can't have? Do I not try to give the best to you? Do I not always want what would make you happy? Do I say you can't do something that would hurt me or make me sad? Do I control your decisions? Do I stop you? Do I? What have I done? What could I have possibly have done? ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7213125/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/7213125/ Sat, 03 Dec 2005 15:19:32 PST I can already see a transformation...why is this? Is it only hopeful thinking on my part? Or will I really be able to do it this time? I want to be better...It is because of you, my Angel. I want to be better, stronger, smarter...etc. I want to be more...I want to be perfect for you...and although you tell me I am perfect now and I don't doubt you anymore...I know that I want to take better care of you...and never let you down and never say things wrong, like I did last night. I was trying to tell you that I am happy when you are...and so to do what would make you happy, but it came out as telling you that you wouldn't do as well with both...that's not at all how I meant it. I hope you understand that sometimes it's so hard for me to just say things how they are in my head...and this was one of these times...I wanted so much to tell you to do what you want and what would make you happiest without ruining it by bringing into it the subject of my unhappiness...and in doing so, I made you snap at me and I said something exactly the opposite of how I wanted to say it...things like these shouldn't happen to you, my love. I never want to mess up or make you mad. I never want to be without you...I never want to hinder you or bring you down. I never want the words, "I love you." to get old or empty to you...I want your love to grow everyday...and bloom more and more through me. I want to be all of this and so much more for you...can I? Would these little things that make me smile to think about make a difference in your life? Would they be like bonus points on a test? I want to be so much for you...to give you all that you deserve...all that you want. I want....the words 'I love you' aren't enough, baby. The passion I express is not enough, baby. This world does not allow me to love you with all that I want to love you with...but soon, my love...soon we will be able to love and live as if they meant the same thing. I love you so much...I cannot even express. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6945196/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6945196/ Thu, 03 Nov 2005 13:56:39 PST Happy Birthday, gorgeous! I love you. I'm sorry I never told you before. I love you so much. I want to go somewhere with you and hold your hand...tell the whole world I'm proud to be your sister. The world looks and finds the bad in everything, but I see deeper than that...to the beauty and perfection that lies below. Under the surface is brilliance beyond comprehension, I just wish you'd see. Do not listen to the world when they tell you you aren't good enough. You're better than that...much better. You are so talented, so beautiful, so smart...don't let the world tell you otherwise, but even more, don't ever tell yourself otherwise. I am here for you forever, WB. Love you,
Beautiful.

P.S. A poem for you is on it's way...sorry I don't have time right now to post it. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6849827/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6849827/ Sun, 23 Oct 2005 21:12:45 PDT I have to admit today was kind of sad. We were both happy, but I lost it when I found out you were moving for sure. I...am so lost, and I know you are too. I hope I am able to help...although I know that I can't do anything to change their minds, maybe I can at least make it easier on you. I guess it's just hard when I know you doubt me now...when I know you doubt us. I don't want you to doubt...I want our love to be so strong again that you don't even consider another option. I really can't understand why you doubt in the first place...is it that you don't love me the same now? Is it that you love someone else more? What is it? Please help me to understand. I'm starting to slip, but I told you...just you watch. I can too be strong for myself...and for you...for us? Is there even an us? I am so scared you don't want me anymore...please...please just let me know. I am sorry because I knwo I only add to the problem, but I really do want what's best for you. However...I love you so much...I just can't let it go...I refuse. I love you...more than words allow me to say. I wonder...have you forgotten? Have you forgotten the strength in our friendship, in our sisterhood? Have you forgotten all our memories, good and bad, happy and sad? Have you forgotten all the sacrifice? All the time and effort? All the love? All the struggling words I tried to say...all those times I tried to say I love you? All I've done? But even worse...have you forgotten the rest of the story? THe end of the dream? The untouched world? Do all these things mean nothing to you now? Or do they...do I...still hold that place in your heart? Have you pushed away me and all we have together in fear...in apprehension? Have you? I don't know...please let me in...please let me see...please let me help...let me carry some of the burden. No matter what, above all, I am your friend, your sister, and I am here, right beside you to help you along...to share...to give...to take...to love...to be loved? ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6839092/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6839092/ Sat, 22 Oct 2005 17:51:01 PDT I'd have to agree that things have been very stressful lately and school's not helping. All I really want is to spend some time with you and catch up on what I feel we've gotten a bit behind on. I know it's been hard, Angel, and I'm sorry because I certainly didn't help anything...I know you're really stressed, and I wish there was something I could do to let you know that you're doing a great job, and to just chill...you're doing great...but it's hard right now, especially with our new issues for this summer...I'm so scared, and I know you are too. I...am just so lost. I wish I had soemthing to offer...to either of us...lost, scared, confused, upset, wishing...empty. But it's all good...everything will be okay. I still need you, Angel...I hope I still make you happy and take care of you and you still need me, too. Geez, I don't even know what to say...I wish I had something...anything...ugh...don't know what to do...so in love...so scared...so lost...utterly lost. But we have to make it through...we're perfect...we fit...nothing's better...tell me what you think? ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6751254/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6751254/ Wed, 12 Oct 2005 18:26:15 PDT Wow, it is yet another night reflecting on these past days...weary of the life that seems to have become so mechanical, without choice, option, or opinion. Does that make sense to you? We spoke today of the simple choices both of us make that only make life more difficult. I'm sorry. I knew all along what I should take caution with, what was touchy...yet my own selfish desire led me to ignore all logic, what I still know to be true, and follow false intuition. However, I'm growing weary, not only in body, but also in mind, heart, and spirit...I know something must be done, or changed, in order to have any better result...any optimistic flow in this life. I know the ways to make it simple, and by all means, they are easy to obtain...so I have chosen now to stop this foolish disobedience...or more of defiance...in order to attempt to find a simpler, easier life or time for either one of us. I love you...I'm so sorry for my foolish and stubborn pride...I know better than that. We both do. Take my hand, and let's walk through all these things we know better than to do...let us be wise, and although it may seem fake and indeed be difficult to maintain, it is far more than worth it to me, and if that is the case for you as well, I encourage you to take this step with me. It won't be nearly as hard as we make it out to be...a little sacrifice for everlasting redemption...would you agree? Let us take some of the pressure off of ourselves, since it is inevitably unnecessary...each issue is inexorably connected to the next, and the dealing with one will lead to an easier solution to the next, and so on and so forth.
But not only have we realized a simple way to simplify our lives, but on top of that, I have realized the cause of such inner turmoil for myself. I have began to heal from my dark past...sucide no longer has such haevy grips on me, and all of my other bad habits are fading fast...only thanks to you...However, in the process of beginning to heal, I somehow missed something very important. That is the re-gaining of my feeling. I didn't feel before, but now I do...yet in losing my feeling, I lost so much more than my emotion. I lost everything that made me alive...in theory, anyways. So I guess that the point is that I forgot how to feel emotion, but equally importantly, I forgot how to feel art and music and words and thoughts...running around in circles in my mind, but never getting anywhere; having brilliant ideas and thoughts, but never being able to capture or display them; hearing indescribable music conducted and composed in my mind, but never being able to let it out for others to share...such brilliance I hold within my mind, let alone my heart and soul and the things I don't realize I have...I only need to remember how it is to let them out...or if I never knew before, now is the time to learn how...show me the way, Angel. Be once again my guiding light...the hand in the darkness that shows me a path I never saw before...show me...my way out...my release...show me me. ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6730611/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6730611/ Mon, 10 Oct 2005 13:34:38 PDT Well, to say the least, I'm frustrated with myself. Maybe Danica's right when she says I'm contradicting myself...is it true? I'm a mess, and it won't do any good to deny it. I haven't been able to write or draw or paint or sing or anything...nothing will come out...and all the nothingness is building up inside of me...the other night I watched you do your pastels...it was absolutely amazing...and I was ready to give up art forever because I realized once again that I will never be able to do that...never. I hate my art...if you could even call it that. I know that if I could only let it out....how it is in my head...I would be brilliant...but can't everyone say that? I have so much nothing inside...and I'm tired of it...can't you see? ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6661417/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6661417/ Sun, 02 Oct 2005 16:21:42 PDT Here I am, once again, at a loss for the right words. I wish I had the power to take your pain away...in whatever way you'd want. I wish I could be like Echo, and dance for you. You'd sit in awe, and as I danced, I'd see your past, and everything that you have hidden, good and bad...happiness and good memories, pain and hurt...beatings...tears you never cried, beauty you never show...all of it. I wish I could be like Echo's mom and heal with a touch or a word or a breath or even by looking at you. I wish I could be everything you need and more, like you are for me. I wish...I wish I could make you feel as beautiful and perfect as you are. My Angel, you are beyond worthy...yet, I am still unworthy of you. You are beyond perfect...flawless...a god I will worship for eternity. Like I said before, when I found you, I found religion...I found a reason, a purpose...love...I found understanding...I found everything I was without before. But most of all, I found you. One love...forever and always. I will never walk away, never change my mind, never find a thing about you that I don't love...and I love you more and more each day. I only wish I could be better for you...I wish I had the right words...I wish I could sing you a lullaby...I wish I could recite my perfect love poems to you...I wish I could be a safe-haven, a place where you come to cry or laugh or talk or whatever you want...I wish I could swallow all your tears deep inside of me, and take with them all of your pain and hurt and hatred...all of it. I know you don't want to hurt me, but it wouldn't, baby...can't you see? It would be only good...for the both of us. Please, Angel, give it to me...let me have it. Don't hold back...give it all here...I will be so careful with your heart...and everything else you let me have...so please...trust me...and give it here. I love you, baby...so much. Hold on... ]]> ~your-fantine http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6647031/ http://your-fantine.deviantart.com/journal/6647031/ Fri, 30 Sep 2005 23:45:53 PDT I have come here to start over. I am tired...tired of my laziness and lacking creativity. I have been such a mess for so long, but I'm tired. I know you are, too. I haven't told you about the other DA accounts I have had this whole time.
I just started this one tonight...in order to attempt to give myself one more opportunity to succeed. I hope I am not disappointed once again. I truly am disappointed in myself at least 1/2 of the time because I know I can do better, but as we both already know, I've never had to try at anything. However, I'm tired...and I despise my laziness and apathy. I really do care. I hate how everything is stuck inside of me, and I can never ever get anything out...if I do, it is only yet another lame and unsuccessful attempt to release the beauty that hides within me. There is so much...words, pictures, music...so much...all so beautiful and perfect...things I have always wanted to say...pictures I have always wanted to paint...songs I have always wanted to sing or play...just so much, and I'm tired of it building up inside. What is the purpose of it if it's stuck inside? Absolutely nothing, but this time, the problem is not a lack of creativity, originality, inspiration, motivation...or whatever...I have so much beauty inside...waiting, begging to be created and destroyed and distorted...or whatever my mind so desires, but I can't seem to get it out. Subsequently, I have been frustrated to no end about this and some choice other things for a long time now...too long...so this is yet another attempt to fix that...for good. I hope that this new account on DA will provide me with an opportunity to break out of this slump...and free from all that has held me captive for so long now. I am ready to let go, move on, and begin my life. In three years, it will finally be my time to shine...to fly away and begin life for real...I can only hope and pray that you will be ther with me, and we will go to our untouched world. Well, I am beginning to draw this out longer than I had hoped...so I guess the point I was trying to get across is that when or if you ever get to this page, I desire you to understand me and why. I might not deserve another chance to prove myself, especially since I might fail again, but I really want to do it right this time...no slackage, no lame work...I want this to be real, sincere, and good...I know I have enough good stuff inside...ideas, inspiration, motivation, beauty, talent, etc...to do this right, and I really want to do it right this time. I...really want to this time...everything's so stuck inside. ]]> ~your-fantine