http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:zandila&section=today deviantART RSS for by:zandila en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:35:29 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/8877281/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/8877281/ Thu, 25 May 2006 19:13:40 PDT so...i got straight a's in school last semester, yay. this semester i will be taking college bio w/lab, math for the liberal arts, and computer sciences. a full twelve credits, none of them being classes i actually WANT to take, but good to get them over with during the short semester i suppose.
i talked to kimi for a long time on the phone today. it was the first time i've talked to her in years. she has two kids now, and is apparently engaged to this guy who...well, never mind, its not my place. i don't really know what to say about her...i miss her...she just leaves my head in this really weird place. we were so close, and we're the same age, but we are at such radically opposing places in our lives and while i can logically see how that happened, my heart refuses to believe it. she even said herself, that if she had applied herself, she could've done something great. ok, i'm going to stop there.
but talking to her reminded me of jake, since they still talk to each other. i went back and read all those journal entries he wrote when all *that* happened, like i am wont to do about once or twice a year. jeez, how did things get so fucked up? and what the hell kind of person was i then? i read the things he says i said to him, and i REMEMBER saying them, but it feels like i'm hearing things secondhand, things that came out of a strangers mouth. a stranger i probably wouldn't even like.
i let caleb read my first diary a few days ago, from when i was twelve to thirteen. god, have i always been fucked up? cause i certainly was then, i certainly have been at so many points during my life. nick, corin, what i did to jake and to justin, and god to kevin? (poor little femme boy) (not to mention the people i've hurt that i wasn't romantically entangled with) i feel like i've changed though. i really want to believe it. i REALLY want to believe i won't end up doing something equally bastrdized to caleb, this wonderful gem of a man...so i'm going to hold onto that belief, hold on to my love, and hope that someday, maybe, i can at least make up karmically for the way i've treated people. i'll never be that person again...after all, once you hit bottom, the only direction is up. (or around in annoying little circles calling for that rat of a dog...) ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/8640615/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/8640615/ Mon, 01 May 2006 11:36:53 PDT and haven...well, i still have your coats girly! i meant to come up in feb and here it is may already... i'll see about coming up after we get back. my classes this emester are only going to be on tues and thurs but i need to find some part time job to work, too. but all in all, things are going well. love you all! ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7975686/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7975686/ Wed, 22 Feb 2006 20:42:27 PST
mattman just moved in with us. its cool, i think. he's a good guy. i don't really care too much one way or another about him moving in, but it does give me someone as geeky as i am to chill with.

things are going divinely with caleb. i'm really happy being with him, though its a little bit hard to get used to being with someone who's not aiming to hurt me in some (or many) ways. its getting easier though. he helps me so much, you can't even imagine. i just hope i'm half as worth it to him as he is to me.

anyway, just a basic update,

love ya! ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7792908/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7792908/ Fri, 03 Feb 2006 17:58:38 PST i've been spending more time with my roommates, corin and marra. its been good. you know, i don't really care what ANYONE else says about him, corin is my friend. he is my good friend, he is my long term friend. he's good people, he has a good heart, he just has some problems translating that into real life sometimes, but who doesn't? i enjot living with him, and i enjoy living with marra, and any reservations i may have about the situation are far, FAR overshadowed by the happiness i get from it. OK!? ok. thats it. ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7584959/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7584959/ Thu, 12 Jan 2006 16:17:44 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7546388/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7546388/ Sun, 08 Jan 2006 18:38:03 PST

ahhhhh what a good weekend. spent with caleb of course. slept at his house on thursady, as usual. i think we watched some carnivale. (omg great show people!) then work on friday night, and after work went up to see my havenness with caleb. malis parents are bitches. -. we went out to coffee and grub and then went back to her place and watched this kinda crappy high school flick. oz woke up halfway through it, then we stayed up there until 630ish looking at an old yearbook and talking. caleb was so awesome, and he was just being himself, which makes it so much better. i'm really glad he FINALLY met one of my friends, and its weird that it was haven, who i have seen the least of in the past few years. on the way home we were fortunate enough to bear witness to a spectacular sunrise. it started out fairly dark with clouds over denver, and the barest tinges of the sun tinting the bottoms a deep magenta which got brighter and brighter as the morning progressed. its so difficult to describe natures beauty...it looked to me like angels flying across the sky, painting it with their wings. and it was freaking huge! the colrs spanned all around the car, almost every way you turned. aww...how romantic. we left at the perfect time to see it all. we went home and slept, and that night went to dinner at red lobster with sean and ginger, then came home and got whupped at scrabble. i love my weekend, its pretty much the only time i get to see caleb...and i'm so glad i got to see haven, it had been WAY too long. i keep trying to get in touch with KAMI, but we know how that goes...and i desperatley need to see mali...you hear me girly??? *sigh* ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7443314/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7443314/ Wed, 28 Dec 2005 20:33:52 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7435430/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7435430/ Tue, 27 Dec 2005 22:01:52 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7375675/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7375675/ Wed, 21 Dec 2005 17:56:44 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7357462/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7357462/ Mon, 19 Dec 2005 18:36:00 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7278923/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7278923/ Sun, 11 Dec 2005 01:23:39 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7274007/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7274007/ Sat, 10 Dec 2005 13:00:50 PST so i moved out of my parents house!!! yay!!! i got a really nice three bedroom apartment in a swank complex with corin and his girl tamara. its pretty cool. yesterday was my first night here, and caleb spent the night. no, not what you're thinking gutterheads. - he's really sweet. things are going really well with him. last night we went out on a real live date. got all dressed up and everything. he showed up at my door in a suit with a single blush rose in his hand. omg *swoon* i'll post a picture of us all dolled up as soon as i can get to a scanner. he cleans up real good. and we even matched, totally unintentional but we look *hot*. as for my new place, check this out:bay window, huge walk in closet, breakfast bar, microwave, dishwasher, washer/dryer, year round heated pool and hot tub, 24 hour gym, tanning bed (not that i'll use it, just cool), real stone tile in the kitchen, balcony, and a storage room on said balcony. damn! yeah i'm pretty happy. on a slight down note i *might* have lost my job at the movie store last night. i didn't think i was scheduled, then got a phone call to the contrary...but i was in the middle of my fabulous date so i told them i wasn't coming in. *shrug* its only like ten hours a week anyway, easy enough to make up one way or another. and i've been getting to see mali on a regular basis these last couple of weeks, which is great. hope that keeps up. i think its important, for both of us. ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7211392/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7211392/ Sat, 03 Dec 2005 11:20:22 PST skin away my friends, skin away! ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7159741/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7159741/ Sun, 27 Nov 2005 15:46:44 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7091852/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7091852/ Sat, 19 Nov 2005 20:47:10 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7020793/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/7020793/ Fri, 11 Nov 2005 18:11:11 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6715699/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6715699/ Sat, 08 Oct 2005 20:31:00 PDT ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6557977/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6557977/ Tue, 20 Sep 2005 19:18:00 PDT and my new favorite band is playing late next month, can't fucking wait! ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6478367/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6478367/ Sun, 11 Sep 2005 15:50:21 PDT ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6389791/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6389791/ Thu, 01 Sep 2005 16:37:03 PDT ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6358531/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6358531/ Mon, 29 Aug 2005 09:42:15 PDT ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6181085/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/6181085/ Tue, 09 Aug 2005 17:57:48 PDT - Unknown

what a long and weary road it has been. these past three months seem to stretch behind me longer than i would think possible. my soul is restless with being restless and i am eager to reconnect with something less tenuous than the asphalt of a distant city. the reality of the way my life was heading was finally imparted to me...about a week ago. i was laying on the floor of a hotel room shrunken into myself, crying, trying to disappear while the storm of alchohol raged above me, resplendent with the screams of a man half crazy before the bottle touched his lips. i was praying that i would be able to walk out, instead of being dragged out the next morning beaten and blue. it took all the courage i had to stand up and grab my bag but i am certain that if i had not...well... so i end this adventure where i started it, in the bosom of my parents hospitality. i don't regret a moment, but i wouldn't do it again, not if i have a choice. i left my travelling partner in california...who knows if he will follow me home. nothing in life is certain, that is the only certainty.
so hello again, and this time i should be sticking around for a while. ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/5722744/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/5722744/ Wed, 22 Jun 2005 11:04:58 PDT ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/5011119/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/5011119/ Tue, 05 Apr 2005 20:27:04 PDT ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4961190/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4961190/ Thu, 31 Mar 2005 13:20:54 PST but it was a fun time nonetheless. its hard to eat...and impossible to smoke from my pipe...but totally worth it ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4928094/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4928094/ Sun, 27 Mar 2005 19:42:26 PST dominique's back from california. i haven't seen her in almost a month...we do that to each other constantly, just totally drop off the earth, and neither one notices. i've thought about her lately, but never did the thought that she was in cali cross my mind. i don't think we're right for each other...even for a fling. fuck, i don't even think i could sleep with her again, after all thats happened.it would be weird...maybe...i don't know, so i'm not going to trip. my tarot and my horoscope are both telling me to let go of old things that i've been struggling with and move on to new things to bitch and moan over. damn good advice, its what i've been feeling myself. so i raise my cup to a new dawn, and fuck all the rest of it! ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4568935/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4568935/ Sun, 13 Feb 2005 10:55:28 PST ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4392246/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4392246/ Sun, 23 Jan 2005 09:11:41 PST dedicated to nickolas:
I'll just tell you now
Cuz I don't think you know
The things you tried to kill
I found a way to grow

I'll just tell you now
You may have made your mark
But I'm still here today
Knowing who you are

I'll just tell you now
I'll just tell you now
(Don't want to disappoint you)
You're not the City of God
(Or be one to annoy)
You can't strike me down
(But it won't go away now)
From your mountain top
(And here's the reasons why)
I'll just tell you now
(You took my intuition)
You're not the City of God
(My knowledge of the truth)
You can't shoot me down
(The love I had in this world)
From your mountain top
(I gave it all to you)
I'll just tell you now
I wanna tell you now...

I'll just tell you now
Cuz I don't think you know
The things you tried to kill
I found a way to grow

I'll just tell you now
(You took my intuition)
You're not the City of God
(My knowledge of the truth)
You can't shoot me down
(The love I had in this world)
From your mountain top
(I gave it all to you)

I wanna tell you now...

Say this one packs a fight
Just crazy, out of my mind
Say sorry, yeah it's all right
Just give me back what you took that night
I wanna tell you now
I say it full out
I wanna get up in your face
And tear your thoughts right out
I wanna tell you, tell you now
I'm gunna tell you, tell you how
You didn't change my mind
You didn't do a thing
'Cept made me hate myself
And made me fear everything
You thought I'd run and hide
And keep it all inside
How can you see me
And think it's all right?

I wanna tell you now...


'tell you now' le tigre ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4330556/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/4330556/ Sat, 15 Jan 2005 22:00:39 PST my job is going wonderfully. i actually kinda like going to work. maybe its the job, but maybe its me. i loved working at wolf in california, maybe its just changed my perspective. i am so different than i was and i like it so much better. i'm stronger, happier and more responsible. I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! ]]> ~zandila http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/3941682/ http://zandila.deviantart.com/journal/3941682/ Sun, 28 Nov 2004 17:48:01 PST well, i'm back, being warmed by a very fat and aging orange cat in my lap. i have been trying to get ahold of people but alas, connection slips through my fingers. call me goddammit! mali, did you know your ph number in the book sends me to somebodies office? i had my hopes all up and got this annoying answering machine instead. oh well, cest la vie. california was intense, and things got rather weird there at the end. i'm very antirelationship right now. i'm very ant romantic involvement at all. trying to figure out just who the hell i am and what i want after years of drowning in other peoples needs and desires. i need my family!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have many pictures to show you all. ooh, i think i'll go scan some right now.
hugs and kisses! ]]> ~zandila