His eyes are lowered. She's hyperventilating.
Her hands rise and fall repeatedly, because she
can't decide what to do with them. Her head
shakes back and forth with her eyes closed,
rejecting everything he's just told her."No
no no no no no no no." He grabs her hands
that are once again in the air. "I'm so sorry"
She takes notice to every crack in his voice,
but refuses to see his eyes. 'I don't want the
last time I feel his hands to be like this.' So
she jerks them away, shoving them into her
stomach, nauseas to her core.
"Please look at me" he begs. 'I can't...I
can't...I can't face what I might find'. She's
looking at her feet shuffling in the grass,
pleading for explanations. "How?" Her voice is
low, and his responses shallow. "It just
happened." "Why?" He sighs, "I don't know
how to explain." She swallowed back the
stinging built in her throat "Do you love
her?" The lack of hesitation was painful. "Yes."
"Do you love me?" His eyes scanned her stance,
every bit of her reflected the hurt he was
putting her through, but he couldn't lie. "I
thought I did..."
She moved forward, and pressed her forehead
against his shirt. With every breath in she
could smell his scent, sweet and warm. "I don't
want to be without this smell," she whimpers.
Her palms hit his chest weakly, and she feels
like a child throwing a tantrum. "How is this
fair? Maybe you think you love her, like you
thought you love me! Stay...stay with me." Her
fingers grab the fabric against her cheek. He
can't bring himself to respond..."Be with me like
I was with you..." As she's choking out memories in
hope of sparking what she always believed was
there he takes her shoulders gently and repeats,
"I am so truly sorry".
This reality is a hammer slamming into every
meaning her life has had. It's as though she's
watching from a distance, seeing things shatter
Her hands rake over her scalp, and she shrieks
angrily at herself. She's squeezing her eyelids
closed tightly feeling as though she's going to
fall over. Instead she brings herself upright and
forces herself to look at him. The silence is
It's broken by her crying out. For the first
time tears push over the dams she'd built, and
began to flood her cheeks. She feels as though her
body is draining. Every piece of her is falling away.
The shaking ceased. The fear had overtaken her.
She was so scared of seeing the love his eyes held
for her fading away...terrified of the guilt and
betrayal in its place.
What she saw instead confirmed every small voice
whispering over her shoulder "worthless...worthless"
His eyes were the same hazel with a tint of green.
Normality etched over his face with only a trace
of exasperation. Once the tears emptied the very last
drop she deeply inhaled, letting the air out with an
expression of pity...over all that they'd lost.
She was stabilizing herself, just enough to walk away.